There she is!
You excited for the show?
Don't be nervous. You're gonna do great.
You make a perfect Statue of Liberty.
Daddy and I are very proud of you.
And after the show,
I have something very important that I need to talk to you about.
Big changes are happening.
All good things. All--
Hello?
Carlos?
Nope. Sorry, it's just me, not Carlos.
What are you doing here? What is going on?
We said that we would meet at the school.
Yeah, and you also said that her costume would be in her bag.
There was the toga. There was the crown, but there's no torch. No torch.
- I-- What? - Mommy?
Hi, sweetie. Oh, my goodness. You so excited for the show?
No.
Don't be nervous. You're gonna do great.
You make a perfect Statue of Liberty.
Not without my torch.
Jesus Christ. The undercarriage of this couch is absolutely disturbing.
When was the last time you just--
Maya, hey, come on. Can you go look in your room, please?
She's not gonna find it in there
because I packed her entire costume in the bag that she took to your house.
All you had to do was not lose it, Danny.
Damn it, we don't have any time.
- This is a mess. - Yeah, the pressure's on, Sheila.
I've already sweat through one sport coat. Want me to ruin a second one?
I want you to stop fucking up every single thing that you come into contact with.
I want you to stop fucking everyone too, including my assistant.
Wow. Okay, well, I'm trying to help Maya right now,
and you're the one that's making it about something else.
But I could ask you what you believe this revolving door of lovers
- that you're subjecting-- - I found it!
My farm animal set.
Maya, we thought you had found the torch.
No, that's not here.
Well, we don't know that. Not yet.
Can I have a snack?
Sweetie, I don't think we have time for a snack before the show.
But I'm hungry.
Okay, well, maybe I can quickly make you something.
What sounds yummy, sweetheart?
Mommy doesn't really keep yummy stuff in her house, sweetheart,
so maybe try to think of something not yummy.
How about Daddy makes you a snack?
Does that sound good, sweetie?
All right.
It's a big change, for sure.
But that's what life is all about, is changes and challenges...
No. Oh, no. No! How?
No one sees that. It's not even there.
It's not even finished. You don't have time to make it right.
You already did this.
Now end it.
I've got an idea.
How about we perform torchless?
You know, we just mime it. Just play pretend.
I mean, that's what plays really are.
Come on, don't bullshit her.
Danny, could you please not swear so much in front of Maya?
Yeah, no, that's the most damaging thing going on around here.
Can I talk to you for a second?
Okay.
What?
I don't appreciate these passive-aggressive accusations that you--
Look, I have a right to look after Maya's well-being.
It is breathtaking how delusional you are.
No, no, you don't get to throw that shit at me anymore, okay?
Not after the sacrifices that I have made.
What have you ever denied yourself?
I would love an itemized list of the sacrifices you have made for your family.
- Then I will fucking make a list for you! - Daddy!
- Do you have a fucking pen? - Stop screaming! You're scaring her!
I am? I'm scaring her? Me?
- Yes, you! - Mommy!
I am so fucking tired of you blaming me for every goddamn thing
that happens in this family or in this world.
Do you know what? Yes, I might misplace a torch or two once in a while,
but I'm not a bad person!
- The insa-- - Grown-ups!
Maya, take that out of your mouth right now, please.
Maya, this isn't funny. Take that out. Sheila?
Honey, spit it out.
- Spit it out. - I can't. I swallowed her.
This is serious, Maya. You have to spit this out of your mouth right now.
- Stop it! You're scaring her. You're okay. - Well, she's scaring me!
- She's okay. - We're going to the hospital right now.
- No, we are not. - No! No hospital!
You don't get a vote. You've just put something very dangerous in your body.
You're panicking. Calm down.
Yeah, of course, I'm panicking! And for good reason! Follow my lead!
Just take a second, please.
Hold on a second while my daughter dies of toxic levels of piggy plastic?
Okay. You know what, sweetie?
Please stay here. I'm just gonna talk to Daddy for a second.
Come with me.
God! Would you stop manhandling me?
- Jesus Christ. - You need to pull it together.
We don't fucking know what that pig is even made out of.
It could be lead or mercury or barium!
We don't know that.
I have high hopes for Maya's death, okay?
I would like her to be in her 90s.
I would like her to be surrounded by friends and family.
Not six years old, surrounded by fucking toxic farm animals.
- So, yes, I'm scared, okay? - Okay. I get it.
You're taking this seriously because it's serious.
Yes. And I would like that out of her ASAP.
We're on the same team here. We just--
- Take a breath with me, okay? - What?
Inhale through the nose. Exhale...
through the mouth. Inhale.
Take a beat.
Do we still have the encyclopedia set that your dad made me buy?
We do.
Okay. On-the-fives tummy check. How's your tummy feeling now, Maya?
Same. Fine.
Okay, and you'll tell us if it's any different, won't you?
Okay, barium, what have you got for us? Okay. "Ingestion can lead to
organ failure and developmental problems."
Okay, well, we don't know that it contains barium.
And also, it has a higher risk in children because of their more rapid metabolism,
and barium can also spontaneously combust. That's fun.
I hate this country. I actually hate all countries.
Would you take this back to Maya's room, please?
I just think that if we could find out where we got the toy,
then we could get the brand and find the box and read the label,
and then I could feel-- we could feel less scared.
I think it was a gift.
I really don't think I would have bought her a farm-themed toy.
Grandma Lolli!
Grandma Lolli bought me a farm set for my birthday.
Really? Are you sure, sweetie?
She said, "Your mommy would never buy you this."
That sounds exactly like Grandma Lolli.
Very good. Great job, Maya. Okay.
I can call. I don't have the baggage.
I'm good.
Okay.
Daddy, come here!
Yes, he's here right now.
They're talking about you.
Because he's still her father, and I--
Maybe it is confusing for her. I don't know. I--
Mother, can we not?
I just need you to remember where you purchased the set because--
because Maya loves it so much,
and I was planning on giving one to her friend for her birthday.
Which friend? Jenny S.? Jenny G.? Jenny--
Don't interrupt Mommy when she's lying to Lolli, okay?
Tummy check?
I feel a little like going.
Okay, that's potty time. That's all I need to hear.
All aboard.
I really--
I don't understand why it's insu--
Wait, what are you getting?
Please, Mother, don't. Please, don't get off the phone.
This is ten dollars.
It's a lot of money.
And all of it is yours if you just go to the bathroom, okay?
It's gonna be right here waiting for you, all right?
Hey, any intel from Cruella?
- A lot, actually. - Okay.
She found the check that she bought the toy with.
That's impressive.
So she called Clemson's Toys,
- which is, of course, closed. - Less impressive.
But she knows Mrs. Clemson from her garden club,
- so she called their house. - Okay.
And she got on the line with Mr. Clemson himself.
Keystone Collectibles Farm and Barnyard Set.
Grandma Lolli coming through.
- Sorry. - No.
- Great. Great, good. Yeah. - That's fine. Yeah, no.
What are you doing?
I'm gonna go call the old ladies at the reference desk at the library,
so wish me luck.
- But it's nine o'clock. - They're there.
They'll be there all night.
Hey.
How are you doing?
Well, when my daughter is finally off of the can,
the entire family is coming down there.
Sweet treats for the ladies at the reference desk, I'll tell you that.
Okay, Joyce. Thank you. Bye.
Oh, my God. I don't care what anyone says, the library is fucking cool as shit.
Okay. Good news?
- Great news. They looked up the toy set. - Yeah?
They looked up every single material listed. Nothing toxic.
- Okay! No barium? - No barium!
And just like that,
I love this goddamn country again.
- Oh, man. - Oh, my God.
I don't know what happened with that kiss thing.
I think I just forgot for a second what my life actually was.
It was nothing.
I'm just grateful that we figured this out.
- Together. - Yeah.
I want you to know that.
Yeah, me too.
Because, you know, it just--
- And you will take over? - Okay. Yes.
- You be the head of the poop patrol. - Okay. Uh-huh.
And I'm gonna go ahead and head home.
And just give me a call when it emerges. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah, that makes sense.
I'm not going to sleep anyway, so you should go.
- Get some rest. Yeah. - Yeah. Yeah.
I'm not pooping without Daddy.
Well, that's very sweet, but--
I want a whole-family pizza party or no poop!
Hey. Come on in. You don't have to wait out there.
That'll be 8.50.
Wow. Really?
Well, I hope some of that is trickling down to you and your ilk.
Oh, shit. Shit. No. No, no.
I thought I had cash in here, but I don't.
No one here has 8.50?
Yes, shut up. Sorry. Yes, people here do have 8.50.
My ex-wife is here.
And she has lots of 8.50 'cause she's rich.
I am just Danny.
Tell you what I would like to not have to do
is go ask my ex-wife,
in front of my daughter who's also here...
for 8.50 to pay for this pizza, okay?
Can you help me out here? Can you save my life?
Are you familiar with the French luxury brand Hermès?
This is not available. This is my mom's.
Well, no, it's my wife's.
Ex-wife. Jesus Christ.
Fuck. It's been a day.
What is going on right now?
Do you smoke? Because I have grass. I can pay you in gra--
Just take the pizza.
- I can have it? - Yeah.
Oh, my God. Trent. Trent, thank you. You saved me.
- End this hug, or I'll take it back. - Yes.
You're right. That's fair.
Oh, my God.
I don't know if you care or whatever, but this was knocked over outside.
Or, like, hidden maybe, in the bushes.
Anyway, it might have been ran over. It might have been by me.
Cheap pizza.
It will destroy me, but I accept my fate.
Like Scoots.
- How dare you? God. - What's Scoots?
- It's a restaurant on Catalina... - A human rights violation.
...which is an island.
Which is where your mom and I went for our honeymoon.
And a honeymoon is a vacation that you take after you get married.
- I know about honeymoons. - Okay.
So, one afternoon during our honeymoon,
your daddy rented a sailboat
to take us out,
and look at the sunset and sip champagne and--
- Kiss and stuff? - Exactly.
But before we got on the boat, we went to this restaurant, Scoots.
And then everything changed.
Yeah. But not right away.
We went out on the boat first, and, you know, it was a truly beautiful day.
It was. Pink skies, perfect weather.
That's when the pooping started.
Did the boat have a potty?
Yeah, well, let's just say at the beginning of the trip,
the boat did have a potty,
and by the end...
Daddy broke the potty.
TV on the toilet. The American dream.
I bet Reagan's doing the same thing as we speak.
You want a drink? Like a glass of wine, beer?
No, no, I'm good.
Well, yeah. Yeah, of course, I do.
I don't know why I said that just now.
What kind of wine are you pouring these days?
I don't wanna get into this right now.
- I'm really tired. And I just-- - Yeah. All right.
Were you gonna tell me, or were you just gonna wait until I found out?
Of course, I was gonna tell you. We have to work out the logistics.
Didn't think I would care? Like I wouldn't have feelings about it?
I know you do. But your feelings aren't--
aren't my job anymore.
Is it him?
Are you moving in with your boyfriend?
I don't have to tell you that.
Carlos and I broke up.
I bought a place at the beach.
At-- Not the--
The place that we've talked about and looked at?
In LA. Santa Monica.
Sheila, you hate LA.
We moved to San Diego because you hate LA.
I'm starting over. Clean slate.
Sure. Bought and paid for by John Breem.
Bought and paid for by me. Fuck you.
We were just saying goodbye that night.
Not that I owe you an explanation for that.
While you were sleeping with my assistant.
What do you mean s-- "goodbye?"
He's gone to be a fundamentalist with his wife and family.
And how are you doing with that?
Do you really care?
Yes. Always.
I'm angry, and I'm jealous.
Yeah, me too.
Not of her, of him.
Having something so solid to return to.
Yeah, that sounds pretty great.
I think it's coming out!
Well, does anybody wanna say anything?
Hey, you know what? Why don't you do the honors?
You've earned it.
I love you, a bushel and a peck
I love you with a hug around the neck
I love you, my big girl.
Love you, Maya. Never change.
I love you, Mommy.
And I forgive you, Daddy.
You didn't mean to drive scary. Night night.
And I'm sorry.
- I don't care. No. - Do you?
No, I don't care.
I made a mistake. I am sorry.
It isn't something...
and go on and on and on about.
I'm not...
You know, in retrospect, I'm glad we never got a dog.
Me too, I guess.
Just one too many things to keep alive.
So that's why she was a mouse.
Yeah. I feel like shit about it.
Well, what's that gonna change?
Nothing.
Mattaes Healy, you ever talked to Maya about him?
You're that desperate to change the subject?
Yeah, clearly.
No. God, no. Why would I?
'Cause he's part of your life story.
You know, I took his Stoics lecture out of pure spite.
I don't think he cared or noticed.
I was so infuriated that he got to-- that he proposed to you, and you said yes.
I never went through with it.
And you were seeing someone else too.
Ellen from Fresno.
Another student, not a department chair.
But all I wanted was you.
Don't do this.
You don't ever do that?
You don't ever look back and just kinda think about that time?
I try not to. I'm moving forward.
That's the whole point. This is why I need a fresh start, just to--
You try not to. So that means that sometimes you--
- I don't pine over our college-- - Affair.
That's what it was. You and me. That's how we started.
Our clandestine affair.
I know what it was. I don't think about it.
Well, I don't believe you.
To this day, I have never seen you happier than you were then.
We were children. Children are happy. We were playacting.
We were in love, and we were making love.
And we were 20. We were hardly children.
It wasn't real life.
You liked it.
Don't tell me what I like.
You don't know what I like anymore. I have other things now.
- My work. - Back then.
And besides, I've been lying to people about my feelings my whole life.
I'm very good at it. I always have been.
Don't do that.
Don't minimize what we had in our little bubble.
I knew you to your marrow back then.
And it was special.
We're over, Danny.
Yeah, I know. Believe me.
I'm just talking about being grateful, okay?
And I bet John Breem was grateful too for whatever bubble you had with him.
You wanna fight? Is that it?
No, I don't. I just--
I want you to admit that then was real and good.
Fine. Back then was good.
Maybe a bubble is the only place that's good for me.
Is that what you're saying?
No, I don't think so.
I should go.
You drunk enough to drive?
That's witty.
I've overstayed my welcome.
No.
On the contrary, I feel like you're finally making sense.
An affair is the best that I could hope for in my love life.
Compartmentalized, sexy but shameful, temporary, destined to fail.
The only thing I can really ever be married to is my work, right?
So I should move to LA, where everybody's terrible, like me.
Don't say that.
I am terrible. I'm a terrible fucking person.
Let me show you.
No, come. Come with me.
Let me show you.
You know, Carlos is a good person, or so you said.
And you chose him. So that should mean something.
Yeah, he is. Yeah. But not me.
That's me, Lady Liberty. A big fucking liar.
- Mystery solved. Yeah. - Yeah.
I forgot that I hadn't finished it,
and I forgot that I didn't put it in the bag,
so I buried it.
Good people don't do this to their daughters.
Good people don't exist. Okay?
It's purely a myth. Everyone is mostly terrible.
Here. Case in point. Look at this.
- I was in here earlier, and I-- - Just snooping around my room?
Yes, I was snooping around your room,
and it really meant something to me that you held on to this,
that it meant something to you, even though my mother gave it to you,
and you didn't even like her. For good reason.
But I kept it. I slipped it into my pocket.
Terrible me.
Your mom didn't give me that.
That's from my cousin Judy when I was a bridesmaid at her wedding.
No. No, my mother gave this to you when you were a bride in our wedding.
Well, I have no memory of that because I'm a terrible person.
- No, you're not. - Goddamn it!
Danny, please just stop thinking that you know me because you don't, okay?
- Nobody does. - God, fuck!
Goddamn it!
I'm gonna make you a bed on the couch.
This lack of sleep is going to show on your skin tomorrow.
You don't want him to come in here.
You don't want him to.
You don't.
It's over. Go to sleep.
Hey.
- Hey. - Yeah?
I should probably go to my room, you know, for Maya.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
Yeah. We don't want her to get the wrong impression.
- My breath probably smells terrible. - No, it's fine. Mine is--
Yeah.
Mine is pretty terrible.
Hey, did you--
Did you really mean what you said, that I don't really know you?
There it is again. That need.
You don't have to give him this. You don't owe him a thing.
Danny, you know me as well as anyone.
Yeah.