[trumpet plays]
[upbeat music plays]
- Ow.
[laughing] Stop.
Ow. Ow.
Ow! My body part!
[laughs] - Step right up.
Who's next for human piñata?
- Ooh, me, me, me, me! - I'm not a piñata!
I'm a Jeff!
- Shut up, Jeff!
- Ow! Ow!
Agh!
My pocket candy!
I worked really hard to steal that!
[groans] - My turn!
My turn, my turn, my turn.
- What are you doing here?
- I got a mariachi message
that kids were smacking the ñata in the gym,
so I threw on a teen disguise.
Now I'm ready for smashies.
- Why do all grown-ups think that kids wear
a sideways hat and a bone glove?
No kid looks like that.
- Hey, kid. You new?
Schwoz? I never would have known.
- [snickers]
♪ ♪
- Uh-- - Ow!
Ow! - Does Schwoz have a kid
that goes to this school?
- Yeah, sure. He does.
- Cool.
Hey, you know who would love this?
- My birth dad. - Captain Man.
- Right, also Captain Man.
- Uh--[chuckles]
He loves candy. He loves mariachi music.
He loves stagehands.
And he loves when Jeff feels pain.
- [crying] I'm Jeff, and I'm in pain!
- Let's call Cap! - Yeah.
- All right, sure. I'm on it.
- Hey, teen. Nice sideways hat.
- Oh, nice bone glove, fellow teen.
- I give up.
- Ow!
- Hey, get down here, dummy.
We got Jeff in pain,
a beatin' stick, pocket candy,
and the "Dale, Dale, Dale" song.
- Ugh, man, I would love to beat me some Jeff,
but I am on a date right now.
- Dude, you gotta stop calling it a date when we hang out.
- Well, we're grabbing lunch. What would you call it?
- Call it "grabbing lunch."
- Like I said, I'm on a date with Henry,
and I will be unreachable.
[tires squeal] [car honks]
- Did you just throw away your phone?
- I always like to keep a spare.
Mm! Guess I'm just built different.
- Ah, speaking of being built different,
I got a girlfriend, and she--
- Oh, dude! I got a girlfriend too!
- Oh, sick, sick, sick.
I kind of want to talk about mine though--
- You remember Lil' Dynomite?
- Okay, I guess we're talking about yours.
- You remember Lil' Dynomite?
- Little superhero, hates you?
- Well, he's bigger now, and he likes me.
Get this--I'm dating his mom.
- [chuckles] - Yeah, and I love her.
Oh, man, she's great.
We have such a great relationship
built on trust and honesty and integrity.
- Does she know you're Captain Man?
- Nah, I've been lying to her.
- Does Lil' Dynomite know you're Captain Man?
- Oh, yeah, he knows.
Man, we've been having such a good time
just keeping secrets and fighting crime.
- Cool, cool, cool, cool. Sounds like a TV show.
Anyway, I've been dating this girl.
- Credenza's pretty!
- I've been dating this girl!
And her name is Melanie,
and man, I'm really into her,
but get this-- her ex once bought her
a $9,000 handbag, so now I feel like
I gotta buy her a-- both: $10,000 handbag.
- Yes. - Yeah, dude,
same thing happened with Credenza.
- No. - I'm telling you.
I'm gonna have Schwoz break in the evidence locker
at the local precinct. [phone rings]
Just grab whatever he can find. - Hang on.
It's Melanie. - Who's Melanie?
- My girlfriend. - You got a girlfriend?
- Oh, my God. - That's awesome, dude.
[phone rings] Oh, hey, it's my doll calling.
She's probably like, "Where's my handbag, Ray?"
- Right? - You know what I'm saying?
- I do. - The ol' ball and chain,
right? [both chuckle]
both: Hey, babe.
- Hey, I just wanted to make sure
that you understand you don't have to buy me
a $10,000 handbag.
In fact, I'd prefer you didn't.
- You see, you say that,
but I think I know women,
and I don't believe you.
- No, Henry, I really mean it.
My love language isn't expensive gifts.
It's quality time.
So actually, if I were upset about anything,
which I'm not,
it'd be because you left town to work.
- Yeah, but the whole reason I work so hard
is so I can buy you things.
- I don't need you to buy me things.
I just need you.
I'm picking up on you loud and clear.
both: You'll have the bag by Friday.
Bye, babe. - Click.
- Sounds like you and me need to make a little scratch,
some cash, a little chedda' cheese.
- We do, indeed.
- Luckily, I happen to have-- [grunts]
two ski masks on me,
so if the gentleman will pull up to yon bank,
we shall make a "withdrawal."
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, tight, tight.
Let's call the bank robbery plan B though.
- B as in bank--smart.
- No, because the reason I'm in town
is I got a little freelance job lined up.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah, yeah.
So, uh, you care to join me?
- I believe you know that I do, good sir.
- We'll knock out this job, get that bag,
and give that bag to our ladies.
- [snaps finger] No notes.
Man, I'm loving where this date is headed.
- It's not a date. - Ha ha.
You wanna get some ice cream?
- Well, yeah, I always wanna get ice cream.
- There's this great ice cream place by the beach.
We can watch the sunset together.
- Is there any other place we can get ice cream?
- It's a date!
[car honks] [tires squeal]
[heroic music]
- Stop it!
No, that's not candy!
That's my blood pressure medicine!
Give me back my Sklerdentra!
- Oh, thank you for saving me from that monster.
- Excuse me?
- Well, he was trying to steal mine ponytail.
I assumed that's why you thrashed him so.
- Nah, man, just thrashing to thrash.
- Yeah, it's Jeff, dude.
It's on sight.
- Why would Jeff want your ponytail?
- Yeah, was it made of candy
or blood pressure medicine?
- No, silly boy.
Mine pony is much more valuable
than candy or life-saving medicine.
- Uh, last one's pretty valuable.
- His name is Patrice.
[giggles] [smooches]
And my devious uncle
is trying to steal him for his own,
hence my current state of exile
from the majestic hills of Rivalton
to the plebeian flats of Smellview.
[cackles]
- [laughs sarcastically]
I wanna punch him.
- Mm, not yet.
I think little Lord Fauntleroy here's uncle
is Archduke Fernando.
[all spit]
- Impressive powers of deduction.
- Thanks. - Someday, I may
make you my queen. - Absolutely not.
Proceed thee with punching.
- Wait! I have money,
and a proposal.
- Ha, gonna be a no from me, dog.
- It's not a marriage proposal. It's a job offer.
- Yeah, we'll see.
- My uncle recently lost his ponytail for good.
Now he wants mine.
So if you can keep me and Patrice from his clutches,
I shall reward you for such engagement.
- See, "engagement"? Not interested.
- How much?
- Come on, ShoutOut, you can do better than him.
- Yeah, how much money are we talking?
- Don't settle. You're a prize.
- Hey, buddy.
How 'bout you take this lollipop on a walk?
- I like purples.
- So pay--how much?
- I've got two tickets to Paradise...
Nevada.
I leave in three days.
Keep me safe until then,
and I shall give you $50,000.
- You walk while we talk, yeah?
- Wh--hey!
- I'm in. - I do what she does.
- I don't bend the knee to the almighty dollar,
but for 50 grand? I can tell myself
I'm protecting the innocent or whatever.
- Mm... - [groans]
- Okay, I want money too,
but Henry's in town, so Ray is useless.
What if we have to fight crime?
- Well, we could ask Lil' Dynomite
to fight crime for us.
- Who said that?
- Me. [all scream]
- How did you know what we were talking about?
- Do you really care, or do you wanna move on
from that very valid question and get them fat stacks?
- I want the stacks. - I do what she does.
- Team Stacks!
- Mm... [all groan]
Oh, my God, I'm kidding!
Of course I want the stacks.
We got you, kid, three days.
We'll watch you in shifts. - Easy money.
- Don't be so cocky, my little doodle-doos.
Archduke Fernando... [all spit]
Will send more minions.
Why, I suspect he's hiring more moronic buffoons
as we speak.
- I'll pay you $10,000 for the ponytail,
$40,000 if you bring my nephew to me,
so that I may cut off Patrice myself.
- Hey, pal. I ain't 'nappin' no kid.
- Neither am I. - $50,000?
- Sold. - No notes.
♪ ♪
It all just kind of happened.
[overlapping chatter]
Get that?
- ♪ Danger ♪
[vocalizing]
♪ ♪
♪ Danger! One, two, three, Force! ♪
- We look amazing.
- You've been posing for hours.
[all shouting at once]
- That's right, keep walking, Schwoz.
Keep walking.
[heroic rock music]
- Almost there. Almost there.
- Hey, Ray, just leaving you a voicemail,
'cause...you're old.
We got a line on a little dough-ray-mee
for protecting Archduke Fernando's nephew,
Duke Wellington.
He's currently sucking
on what appears to be rock snot.
- Oh, fresh oysters,
goo of the gods!
[slurps]
- Anyway, I guess the archduke wants to steal his ponytail.
But I had the brilliant idea
of giving Lil' Dukey a special whistle to blow
if he's ever in danger. - [blows duck whistle]
Trash Boy, Come hither!
- But now he just blows it constantly
and calls me Trash Boy, so...
not my best idea.
Oh, of course.
[camera shutter clicking]
Anywhoodle, hope your date with Henry's going well.
Write back. Your pal,
Brainstorm.
[sighs] That was nice.
- [blowing duck whistle]
Trash Boy, do flush these down the toilet
so they may return to their pelagic winter wanderings.
- Okay.
- Five seconds to freedom! - Please, no.
all: Four, three... - I summon the goddess
of academia to open that door! all: Two, one--
No! - Yes!
[laughs giddily]
I mean... [chuckles]
Darn! Right?
Do we still say "darn"?
- [German accent] ♪ Yo, I'm Mr. Learning ♪
♪ And I'm here to say ♪
♪ You kids ain't getting no free day! ♪
♪ And this right here is Dr. Science ♪
- Dude, we nixed the rap. - [normally] Oh, what?
I didn't agree to that. - It was nixed. It was nixed.
- [German accent] Anywhoodle, I am Mr. Learning,
and this is Dr. Science,
and together, we are your co-substitute teachers!
- Dude, we nixed the pose. - [normally] OK, you know what?
I was told there'd be a pose and a rap--
- You know, I don't know where you're getting any of this.
- Well, what are we even here for then?
- We're supposed to get that kid and dip--
the ponytail kid. - Oh, yeah.
[German accent] Nap time!
Heads down, ponytails up!
- Nap time? We're teens.
- Yeah, I don't take naps.
I hand them out.
Let's go! - [chuckles]
- I've never heard of co-substitute teachers before.
- Oh, let me guess,
you are the "smart one"?
Ever so proud of your huge, pulsating brain.
I bet you are the one who says "yes,"
when you find you do not have day off school.
- No, I said "darn," and everybody loved it.
- Well, as a man who got his doctor degree in science
by writing a thesis called, "Teens Who Don't Nap...
Die"...
- Kid's still got it. - I say we all
turn off the lights, close our eyes,
and not pay attention to the sounds around you.
- [grunting]
Unhand me!
- Someone's trying to kidnap the archduke!
- Danger Force, help!
- Get in the sack, kid! - Dude, that's me.
- Well, I'm sorry.
[heroic music]
Ow!
- Okay--
- [screams]
- Oof! Ah!
- D'ah! - I got you, man.
Okay, you should be safe here.
- Shut up, dudes. We're chessing.
- Schwoz bet Tiny Ray he could beat him in chess.
It's not going well.
- I can't believe I'm down eight large to Tiny Ray.
- [high-pitched] My body's tiny,
but my brain is huge!
- If my chess instincts are right,
and they always are,
Schwoz has Tiny Ray right where he wants him.
- Checkmate! - Aye!
- [laughing]
- [grunts]
- Guess I'm just built different.
- Well, I'm sorry to say this, Mr. Jeff,
but I gotta go take you to jail.
- What? - Hold up.
How'd you get arrested twice in two days?
- Guess I'm just built different.
- Let's go.
- Uh, hey, for real,
does anyone have any blood pressure medication?
[heroic rock music]
[duck whistle blowing] [all grunting]
- I'm okay. - Wait a minute.
Give-- - [grunts]
- [shouts] Ray?
- Henry!
- Hey, how's it going? - What are you guys doing?
- Oh, relax!
We're just trying to kidnap a kid.
- What? - I mean, is that against
the law now? all: Yes!
- It's a crime? Oh, okay.
Look, we're just trying to get a little extra skrilla
so we can buy a cuppa purses.
- Handbags. - Handbags for our dolls.
- Girlfriends. - Duh, Mika.
- Oh, you don't get to "duh" me on that.
- Oh, yes, I duh. - Oh, no, you duh-n't.
[overlapping shouting]
- Hey!
You guys can't kidnap Duke Wellington.
- Uh, why not?
- Uh, 'cause he's paying us mad guap to protect him.
- And we're also getting money.
- Oh, looks like we're at a bit of an impasse here.
- Yeah, you see, Archduke Fernando...
[all spit]
Hired us to bring him back to Rivalton.
- Yeah, we're not about to let four little kids stop us.
- 'Cause we need to buy handbags.
- For our girlfriends.
[laughter]
Why is that funny? - I don't get what's so funny.
[laughter] - What's funny about that?
- What are we laughing at?
- We're laughing at two geezers
who think they can kidnap someone we're protecting.
- Oh, ha ha, that is funny.
- Okay, first of all, we are in our 20s.
- We? - Henry, please.
Second of all, we were doing this
before all y'all lil' kiddies even got your dumb powers.
- I've seen things.
Ya dig?
- And we will see who's laughing
when we get that kid and that fetti.
- [laughs] - I did that on purpose.
[overlapping chatter]
That's a thing we do! I do that to his face.
He loves it. It's his favorite. - Dude, stop! Dude, stop!
We're gonna get that kid.
- Yeah. - Okay?
- We gon' get that kid. - We gon' get that kid.
[both groan]
- What are we gonna do? We're never gonna get that kid.
- Yes, we are. Yes, we are.
I just need you to, uh--
you need to massage my head. - What?
- Just put your hand on my head and massage my head.
- I'm not gonna massage your-- - Just do it--trust me!
OK, we get the blood flowing.
The idea juices will start flowing.
- What are you talking about? Don't be weird, man.
- Hey, it's only weird if you make it weird.
Why are you making it weird? - You're making it weird.
- Oh, I'm making it weird? - You're making it weird.
- That's weird? - Yeah.
- You know what, dude? We are two superheroes
in our early 20s,
and if we can't get past four little kids,
you know what?
Maybe we don't even deserve purses.
- Handbags.
- Maybe we don't even deserve girlfriends.
[soft dramatic music]
Yeah.
Let's remember why we're doing this, okay?
Come on. You got a picture of your doll?
- I got it. - Well, shoot, man.
Let me see her.
- What? - Your girlfriend,
let me see her. - No, no, no, no, no.
I got an idea. I got an idea.
- Well, shoot, man. Let me hear it.
- Okay, okay, here we go.
All right, we need some chocolate milk.
- Mm-hmm. - Um, a mink coat.
- Yeah. - Couple of those straw
boater hats. - Oh, I gotta write this down.
- Oh, a Stankee candle. - Hold on.
I gotta write this down. - A turbine engine.
- Will you slow down?
- A voodoo doll. - Mm-hmm.
- The Goo Goo Dolls. - Yup.
- Extra virgin olive oil. - Mm-hmm, love it.
- Wait, wait. [buzzing]
Do you hear buzzing?
- I do hear something,
but I'm pretty sure
it's just the idea juices flowing, baby.
- Yeah, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.
- Keep going, keep going. - Okay, okay, okay, uh, um,
how quickly can you learn the lyrics
to "Running Up That Hill" by Kate Bush?
- Mm, two, maybe three hours.
- Make it 1.5, this might just work.
- Tell me you don't miss this.
[laughs]
First things first--
I gotta make water.
- Yeah, good call. Those idea juices
went right through me. - I'm telling you.
[sneaky music]
This thing's stuck or something.
- Open the door, dude. - I'm trying.
- Just open it up. - I'm trying.
What do you think I'm doing? - I gotta pee,
so just open it up. - It's not my first door.
- Let me just--let me just-- - Not my first door.
- Let me try, dude. Just let me try.
- There's another door around here. Find it.
[knocking]
- Hey, old guys.
- Don't answer. Otherwise, it means we're old.
- Is that Chapa?
- I hope you like this van,
'cause I just welded all the doors shut.
See ya never, seniors.
- What, nah, nah. - Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah.
- Hey, hey, Chapa? - Chapa?
- Chapa, I gotta pee!
Chapa!
Ah, I will have my revenge!
Revenge will be mine!
- Need a ride back? - Yeah.
- Oh, I gotta pee! Chapa!
[heroic rock music]
[buzzing]
- Do you even know how to play chess?
- Nope, nobody does.
- Oh, hey, buddy. - Hey.
- Oh, thanks so much, pal.
- Yeah, no problem. You guys still have to tinkle?
- No, not anymore. - No, I'm dry...
now.
- Okay.
Now, listen, uh-- [clears throat]
You both clearly need some help,
and I need money.
- Tiny Ray beat you in chess again, huh?
- [groans] I'm down big.
- Who's Tiny Ray?
- [sighs] Plus, my girlfriend's ex
bought her a $9,000 handbag--
- [sighs] - Been there.
- Currently there. Who is Tiny Ray though?
- Okay, listen. If I helps you
get Dukey Wellington from Danger Force,
will you guys give me a taste of that sweet,
sweet reward money?
- I don't see why not. - Shoot, yeah, brother.
[overlapping chatter]
- Okay, now, listen. I have a plan
I think you both will love. - Okay.
- Yeah. - Now, first thing--
eh, do either of you know the lyrics
to "Running Up that Hill" by Kate Bush?
[phones ding]
- Hold, please. - Hang on one second.
- "I just teleported you guys on top of a mountain.
Sincerely, Miles."
What could that mean?
- It's gotta be some kind of code.
- Yeah, definitely a code.
Schwoz, can you decode codes?
- Mm, yeah, let me just tinkle first.
[door slides open]
[screams]
[all scream]
♪ ♪
- "Good night, Knife.
"Good night, Plates.
Good night, Napkin."
- Do the voices.
- I don't do voices.
- Well, Patrice can't sleep unless you do the voices.
Now, be a napkin!
An Australian napkin.
- [sighs]
[Australian accent] I'm a napkin.
- No monsters under here, boss.
No sign of my birth dad either, but...
- Here's your warm milk.
- Here are your night oysters.
- Ooh! Calloo callay!
But first, I must make like a smart kid and whiz.
Which lucky Lucy shall protect me?
Potty time is when I'm at my most vulnerable.
- The Mets are having a great season.
- Get a new ceiling?
- The Warriors are doing even better.
- I'll do it.
- Ooh, d'ah!
Trash Boy eyeing a promotion, I see.
Very good.
- [Australian accent] I don't like Duke Wellington.
- You do voices now?
- A little bit. - Oh.
- Now, avert thine eyes while I christen the soil, peasant.
♪ ♪
- Aha! - What ho!
Ruffians!
- Nice job, buddy.
- Hey, little dude, what's this rag smell like?
- [inhales deeply]
Well, a note of lavender,
wet clay, and--
falling down.
- Yeah.
- It's more of an R sound. - "Noo"?
- Yeah, close, but more like "nar."
- R--"nar." - Nar? Oh, my God.
This is stupid. I know how to say "no."
I don't need to do it in an accent.
I know how to say "no." - No monsters under here, boss.
No sign of my birth dad either, but...
- Who are you?
- Bose? - Then who just took
the Dukey out to tinkle?
- Crikey.
- Okay, that face-swapping tech is pretty dope.
- Right? Ray made me invent it
so he could turn his face into Channing Tatum.
- What, no I didn't. Shut up, Schwoz.
Come on, let's go. Let's go, let's go, let's go.
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go.
♪ ♪
- Oh, good. He's dead.
- What? No, he's just asleep.
- Oh...yes.
Uh, much better.
- Just give us our money, you freak.
- Yeah, man! Give us the money!
both: Hey, hey, hey, hey.
[overlapping chatter]
- Okay, don't embarrass us like that.
[overlapping chatter]
- D'ah! Mine heart.
[overlapping shouting]
Ah! Too much yelling!
[overlapping shouting]
- You're going down, old men!
- My royal ears! Reduce your volumes.
- Give him back!
- No!
- ♪ If I only could ♪
♪ I'd make a deal with God ♪
♪ And I'd get him to swap our places ♪
- That statue of you high-fiving yourself
doesn't even look like you!
- Oh, yeah? Well, neither does yours,
'cause you don't have one.
[overlapping shouting]
["Running Up That Hill" by Kate Bush playing]
♪ ♪
- Thank you.
- Hey!
- What the heck, man?
[overlapping shouting]
- I made the mistake of playing Tiny Ray in chess
for money.
all: Oh... - Who is Tiny Ray?
- I'm down ten large to that guy.
Also, I found out my girlfriend's ex bought her
a $9,000 handbag.
[overlapping agreement]
- You have a good day, man. - Go on, man.
It's all good, buddy. - See ya.
[overlapping goodbyes]
♪ ♪
[heroic rock music]
- Guess I'm just built different.
- Oh, that's Tiny Ray.
- Man, how are we gonna get those purses for our skirtses?
- You still got those ski masks, my guy?
- Aw, man, I'm not sure if I d--
[screams] [sighs]
both: Plan B?
♪ ♪
- Down the tube!
- ♪ Always on the scene in the nick of time ♪
♪ The second I see trouble I know I'll be fine ♪
♪ I'm okay ♪
♪ I'm okay! ♪
♪ Danger ♪
[vocalizing]
♪ ♪
♪ Danger! One, two, three, Force! ♪