[upbeat music]
- All right, who's ready to learn
how to truly hurt a bad guy?
- Always. - Already know, ready to show.
- Absolutely love learning!
- Sticks and stones, they'll break his bones.
[all yelling excitedly] - Stop!
Anybody can hurt a bad guy with weapons.
- That's kind of the point. - That's why we have them.
- Or with shooting lightning out of your hands
or super screaming
or teleporting them into a volcano
or brain-lifting a Swellview city bus
onto their face.
- We're literally the only ones that can do that.
- Yeah. - Watch.
- Ah, quit it!
Ow!
Watch the hair! - [laughs]
- Now, the superior hero wins the battle
before the first punch is even thrown
by hurting a bad guy's feelings.
- Boo! Why do you always--? [all groaning]
- Observe.
The Burnometer.
Sicker the burn, the higher it goes,
because if you can attack a bad guy's insecurities,
you can destroy them from the inside out.
- Oh, so, if you were a bad guy, I'd say something like--
- No, we're not doing me.
- Ray, do you just skip leg day,
or do you have a religious exemption from it?
[laughter]
[bell dings] - Nice!
- Hilarious.
You're supposed to be roasting the dummy.
- Uh, I think she just did.
- Oh! [bell dings]
[laughter]
- Nice! - No, no.
Talk to the dummy.
- Okay.
Hey, dummy, how does it feel
knowing you and Ray Manchester have the same number
of adult friends?
- Oh. [bell dings]
- [laughs]
You literally have no shirt,
but somehow it's still bigger than the ones Ray wears.
[bell dings] - Ooh.
- Yes! - I wear normal-size shirts.
So... - Yeah, normal for a doll.
[bell dings] - [laughs]
- This shirt is a European L.
- Uh, does the L stand for "little too small"?
[laughter, bell dings]
- No, it stands for "leave me alone," okay?
- Like Henry does, every time you text him?
[bell dings, laughter]
- Okay, the reception in Dystopia is terrible.
And since when can you talk?
- These roasts gave me the spark of life.
- Thank you. [excited chatter]
- Aah! - Oh, my--
- Deuce Van Nuys is on his way to the Man's Nest.
- [gasps] - Who's Deuce Van Nuys?
- Oh, he's this big jerky film producer who tricked Ray
and the kids into driving a fake movie to Hollywood.
- No reaction to the fact this dummy's suddenly alive?
- I sold Deuce a pitch for a vampire movie
set at a college and starring Ryan Reynolds.
I'm about to get paid!
- Oh, no, you're not!
[bell dings]
both: What?
- Deuce said the deal is deadsies.
- But it can't be deadsies.
It was about to start filming next month.
- He said Ryan Reynolds has been canceled
for being too handsome, too smart, and too funny.
- Mm. - He is all of the above.
- Kind of brought it on himself when you think about it.
- Why am I just finding out about this now?
- I don't know.
He said he's been leaving messages
with someone in the Man's Nest for weeks.
[dramatic music]
- Did I not tell you about those calls?
- [groans]
- Well, uh, Deuce Van Nuys called.
He said your movie fell through and he's coming in two weeks
to hear more ideas.
But that was two weeks ago, so...
- How many days are in a week?
- Eight. - No.
- Oh, my God, Deuce is coming today.
- But I already spent my movie money
on the dress I was gonna wear at the premiere.
[dreamlike harp music]
Should I pop the tag?
We like it? This is it? This is the one?
[enthusiastic cheering] - It looks great!
- Should I pop it? - It looks amazing!
It's worth every penny. Now just pop the tag!
[all cheer]
[upbeat music plays]
- No regrets!
Yeah!
- You should not have popped the tag.
[indistinct chatter]
- Right? No, she don't listen.
She does this at home all the time.
- Oh, I can't return that dress.
What am I gonna do if this movie falls through?
- Well, if I know my sister,
she's got, like, a million movie ideas.
So, come on, hit us with a good one.
- Okay. [laughs]
[clears throat] It's about this dog
who's also a cat and an astronaut
and, you guys, I got nothin'.
[beeping] - Deuce Van Nuys is upstairs.
- [squeals] Okay, go upstairs and stall him
while I think of another idea.
- But I'm Schwoz from work.
I can't go talk to him as Schwoz, or he'll know me.
- Then have our agent, Lefty Schwartz,
go upstairs and stall him.
- And people do like Lefty Schwartz.
- Mm, great, now go and tell
that long, boring story about your life.
- Once upon a time, there was a baby Schwoz--
- Tell it to Deuce! - Okay!
- [pants] You guys, what am I gonna pitch him?
- Relax. We're gonna help you, right?
- Yeah, I got a couple ideas. - Sure.
- You guys would do that for me?
- Of course we would.
- As long as I'm also getting paid.
- I just really want to go back to Hollywood.
Everyone is so honest and nice there.
- I got an idea.
How about a movie about a superhero
with normal-sized shirts who only occasionally skips leg day
who runs a school
for incredibly ungrateful children?
[all imitate buzzer]
- Sounds more like a TV show.
- Yeah, and does the world really need
a new superhero movie?
- [sighs] I blame the studio system
that relies on established properties
instead of original content.
- Okay, so what have you got?
- A buddy-cop movie.
[siren wailing, upbeat music]
It's about a burnt-out detective
one week from retirement.
- [groans] Boy, am I burnt out.
[groans] Chief Screamy, you wanted to see me?
- I know you're only one week away from retirement, Burtaugh,
but the vice mayor's all over me
about crime being too crime-y.
About to give me a god-dang ulcer.
So I'm giving you a psychotic partner.
- I feel like I've seen this movie.
- Wait, I'm getting to the good part--
the psycho partner.
- Officer Wingnut, get in here!
- [Australian accent] I live in a solitary trailer
on a private California beach, which seems bad,
but in real life, it costs at least $20 million.
- This guy can't be my partner. He's crazy!
- [Australian accent] You won't like each other
at first-- - He's got the accent.
- [normal voice] You won't like each other at first.
But as you work together to take down a common enemy,
you'll develop a begrudging respect.
- [sighs] You want to go take down a bad guy?
- Only if we break every rule in the book.
- Wait, wait, wait.
I've definitely seen this before.
- Like, 1,000 times.
- I was loving the chief.
- Why can't the buddy cops be girls?
- Yes.
And because they're girls,
they're, like, smarter. - Yeah.
So they solve the case, like, super fast.
- The bad guy's the chief.
- [Australian accent] Let's take him down.
Put your hands where I can see 'em.
- Wait, wait. Hold up. Wait. Stop, stop, stop.
Why's the chief's shirt got to be so small?
- We didn't say it was small.
I think everyone just sort of imagined it that way.
- Plus, I thought you said your shirts were normal size?
- Yeah. - They are normal size!
- If they were normal, then why are we seeing--
[all shouting]
[upbeat music]
- Yeah, I'm sorry.
Miss ShoutOut is running late. She's in a meeting.
- But our meeting is scheduled for right now.
And everybody knows in show business,
we always start exactly on time.
- While we wait, you mind if I pitch you a movie?
- [sarcastically] Oh, yeah, sure.
That's my favorite thing in the whole world.
- Okay. - [normal voice] What?
- Once upon a time, there was a baby Schwozie.
- Wait-- - Eh--
- So who plays this Schwoz?
- [scoffs] Bradley Cooper.
- [laughs] I love B. Coops.
But if we don't get him...
both: Hugh Jackman, yeah!
- All right, keep going. Keep going, man.
- Okay, eh, it's December.
- Mm-hmm. - And Baby Schwozie is born
in a stable because there's no more room at the inn.
- Biblical, epic--I love it. - Yeah. Okay.
- It's a tailored shirt, okay? [all shouting]
- Okay, okay!
Everybody, shut up! - [mouths word]
- Deuce isn't gonna buy a buddy-cop movie!
Those are tired!
I need something edgier
if I'm gonna pay for that dress!
- I got something edgier. - Yeah, let's hear it.
- Please, tell me! I need ideas.
- Get out. - Okay.
- Get out. Get out. - Okay. Okay!
- It's about this game... - Uh-huh.
- Played by... - Yes?
- Kids. [all gasp]
♪ ♪
Whoever wins the games gets candy.
Whoever loses the games, something bad happens.
[all gasp]
- What happens to 'em?
- The guys in the blue onesies--
- Oh, wait, wait, wait.
This is really scary. I got to pee.
- It's scary?
- Wow! - Are you serious?
- How is it scary?
- Your narrator is awful. - Nothing even--
- No! I am loving this idea.
I got to hear what happens next.
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry, okay?
C-can we just take a quick bathroom break?
- Fine.
Go. Take a bathroom break.
Okay.
While we wait, I'll tell you
about the nation's fastest wireless network.
- I'm just gonna grab a snack. - Sounds like a commercial.
[door closes]
- Do you want to hear
about the nation's fastest wireless network?
- No.
- It all just kind of happened.
[overlapping chatter]
You get all that?
- ♪ Danger ♪
[vocalizing]
♪ ♪
♪ Danger! One, two, three, Force! ♪
- We look amazing.
- You've been posing for hours.
[all shouting at once]
- That's right, keep walking, Schwoz.
Keep walking.
[upbeat music]
- It's been two whole minutes. Where's Bose?
- He's still peeing. Just start pitching again.
Deuce is upstairs.
He's looking for an idea,
and mama needs that sweet, sweet dress money!
- Okay, so...
- Sorry it took me so long.
I-I got stage fright.
- Can I please get back to my pitch?
- Yeah, yeah, so the kids play the games.
If they lose, the attractive guy
in the blue onesie does what? - Whichever kid loses...
dies. - Wow.
- Uh, this doesn't sound like a movie for kids.
- It's not, but kids will still watch it.
- No one can die.
- Yeah, instead of a giant boulder,
can't they just get hit in the face with a pie?
- Okay, stop, stop, stop.
This sounds like a rip-off of "Squid Game."
- Yeah. - Totally.
- It's the same idea.
Same exact idea. - I've never even heard
of "Squid Game." - Oh, come on.
- It's about people who play kid games.
- Yeah, yeah, the players wear green track suits,
and the bad guys wear red ones.
Now can I please just get back to what I was saying?
- Oh, I though you said you haven't heard of it.
- It's a parody. - Next!
- Parody now. - We're gonna have
different-colored track suits.
- Uh, can I go now?
- And please hurry up.
Deuce is waiting.
- Okay.
So you know how everyone loves squirrels, right?
- No. - Get to the pitch!
- It's about four squirrels who go on a bachelorette weekend
that will change their entire lives
and their friendship forever.
♪ ♪
The squirrels all went to college together
but then went their separate ways.
One of them is a lawyer.
One is a big-shot nut broker.
Another is a surgeon.
And another one just got out of a bad breakup
and is looking for love.
- This is surprisingly good.
- What happens next?
- That's when the aliens invade.
- Wait. Why are there aliens?
- They've come to Earth with an army of zombies
to steal our chocolate...
and to sing.
- Wait, it's a musical now?
- Why do the aliens have zombies?
- Yeah, that kind of went off the rails there.
- Was it ever on the rails?
- I mean, it started off with squirrels
at a bachelorette party.
That's relatable.
- Please, somebody, have a good idea!
- Okay.
I'll go.
- Anybody else!
Literally anybody. Uh, Tiny Ray?
- [high-pitched voice] Okay, so America loves chefs, right?
- I guess? - Sure.
- My idea was better. - What's a chef?
- And America loves tiny dudes.
So this movie's called...
"Tiny Chef."
♪ ♪
This doofus is the number-one chef in the world.
But he's got a little secret
hidden in his hat.
- Ooh! He's bald.
- Hey, man, I didn't interrupt your pitch!
- I'm sorry. Please continue.
- There's a little dude.
And he's controlling the big guy,
doing all the cheffing.
- Use the saffron.
Put it in there, come on!
Whisk it! Whisk it good!
No, I said simmer, not boil.
Faster, baby, faster! - What do you want?
- I hope Schwoz is doing a better job at stalling
than we are coming up with movie ideas.
- And then some ladies are like,
"You see this cat Schwoz is a bad"--
- Shut your mouth.
- I'm talking about Schwoz. - I can dig it.
- Schwoz is a complicated man.
And no one understands him
but his shape-shifting robot companion...
- Played by...
[both gasp] Benedict Cumberbatch.
[laughter] Okay!
♪ ♪
- And then in the middle of exam week
at Cooking College--
- Okay, where is this going?
- It's exam week.
And Big Chef is suddenly exposed as a fraud
when Tiny Chef falls out of his hat.
- [grunting]
- [laughing] Busted.
- So he gets fired and disgraced?
- No, stupid!
Because all the other big chefs got tiny chefs
inside their hats, too.
- [high-pitched voice] I said a pinch of salt!
- [high-pitched voice] Tenderize the meat.
Don't bludgeon it.
- [high-pitched voice] Restaurant industry
has been corrupted by the fast-food economy.
- [high-pitched voice] Whew, cheffing is hard work.
[silly jazz music]
- This movie is amazing.
Did it really happen?
- No, but we can just say it's "based on true events."
That kind of lie wins Oscars.
Boom. [chuckles]
No! No!
Aah! [muffled shouting] - There.
And that's enough from Tiny Ray.
- [screams]
- Hey, shut up.
Okay, you guys want to hear a really good pitch?
- Yes! - Obviously.
- Okay. - Ooh!
I bet Chest Monster's got some great ones.
- Yes! - Yeah.
- No, I meant from me. - I'll be right back.
- Okay, while they're gone,
I'll give you just a little taste of my idea. So--
[screams] Get off my foot, you stupid box!
[groans] - Miles tells me
you're looking for movie ideas.
- Yeah. - Yes, it would be amazing.
- You heard from the rest.
Now hear from the Chest.
- [laughs] I am already impressed.
- Okay, this movie stars Chapa.
- [gasps] I love it.
- She's a girl who's been wronged.
- Ooh.
[rock music]
- The bad guys killed the only thing she loved.
- Her family? - Her friends?
- Her dog?
- Worse. Her cell phone.
[all gasp]
♪ ♪
- Ding-dong.
- You're just pitching "John Wick."
- Oh, I've never even seen that Keanu Reeves movie.
- Oh, really? - Seriously?
- Get this guy out of here.
- No, no. I got more.
These two guys who say "Whoa" a lot
need to finish their history project.
both: Whoa.
- Luckily, they have a time-traveling phone booth.
- That's just "Bill & Ted." - We'll get sued.
- Nah, dog, it's a parody-- totally legal.
- Next. - A group of sky-diving surfers
dress up like ex-presidents and rob banks.
♪ ♪
- This is "Point Break."
- You're just pitching us Keanu Reeves movies!
- No!
- Do you have any original ideas?
- Hold up, hold up. I got another one.
- Is it "The Matrix"?
- Okay, I got a different one.
[all grumbling] - He's on a bus
that can't slow down.
[phone beeps]
- [sighs]
Schwoz says he's dying up there.
He can't stall Deuce much longer.
We got to get up there now. - Okay, um...
[all phones chiming] - Emergency call.
- Just ignore it. - What?
- Ignore it. We don't have time.
- Wait. We can't just ignore it.
- Yeah. It's an emergency call.
♪ ♪
- This is what we do! - It's an emergency call.
- Just ignore the call. I do it all the time.
- Oh, my God, really?
- If they're still using their phone,
how much of an emergency could it be?
- Thank you. - Wow.
[indistinct shouting] - [screams]
- Hey, did everybody see that we got an emergency call?
- Yeah. all: We know!
- I'm taking it.
- Oh. - Great.
- Hello, Danger Force.
This is ShoutOut. What's your emergency?
- [sobbing]
- Okay, ma'am,
you're gonna have to stop crying.
- I'm not a ma'am.
This is Mitch Bilsky, richest guy in Swellview.
- What's your emergency?
- Well, my brother, he climbed up a tree,
and I can't get him down.
- His brother? - Does he mean Jeff?
- I'm Jeff!
- He means Jeff.
- You guys got to come here
and get my brother out of this tree.
- No, Mitch, just microwave a burrito
and put it underneath the tree,
and eventually Jeff will get hungry and come down.
- Just like he did when you called us yesterday.
- [chuckles] Oh, yeah.
I forgot.
Boy, being rich sure does make you forget things.
- [laughs] Right?
- Today I want carne asada! [phone beeps]
- Bye, Mitch.
- Oh, wait, wait! Um...
could you guys bring me a carne asada burrito?
I'd buy one myself, but all my cash is tied up
in DudeCoin.
- Goodbye, Mitch.
- But my brother is family.
- Just got this text from Schwoz.
"Still stalling Deuce.
"Running out of ideas for the movie about my life
"that I'm pitching him.
About to start the K-pop section."
- I don't know what that is.
[pop music playing]
- Which is why BTS
really stands for "By The Schwoz"!
- I can dig it.
♪ ♪
- Okay, here's my idea.
- Family. - What?
- Mitch Bilsky saying "family" just gave me an idea
for the greatest movie of all time.
- Seriously, that's all you needed?
- Yep, and this movie-- it's got everything.
- Does it have Keanu Reeves?
- Oh, my God, how'd you even get up here?
- I ran. Now tell us your idea.
- Okay.
Okay. [exhales sharply]
I'm glad everyone has a seat.
But you'll only need the edge of it.
both: Ooh. - Good opener.
- We open up on a battle scene--
two warriors fight in space!
[dramatic music]
- You're not my father.
- I know.
I'm your son.
[both gasp]
- Go on.
- Next, we're in a school for wizards.
- Wizards.
- I know I have wizard powers inside of me.
But my teacher...
he's so mean.
- I'm a wizard teacher.
And I'm mean.
- Loving it. Keep going.
- The wizards meet an archeologist
who makes an amazing discovery.
- [grunting]
[sweeping music]
♪ ♪
Why, these are my own bones...
and my own bracelet.
♪ ♪
- Just got goose bumps. - Whoa.
- What? - [laughs]
But there's no time to explain
because everyone's on a high-speed bike chase!
The bridge is out!
[dramatic music]
What are we gonna do?
- Don't need a bridge 'cause we've got family!
both: Chapa-nic, no!
♪ ♪
- So what happens to him?
- I'll tell you what happens.
His sister delivers
the greatest Oscar-bait monologue
in movie history!
[somber music]
His bones are in the ground now.
But his spirit lives on in all of us.
And maybe, just maybe...
the treasure was the friends we made along the way.
[swords humming]
Now fight!
♪ ♪
- That was amazing.
- Only thing missing was Keanu Reeves.
all: Oh, my God. Shut up, Chest Monster!
- Aw, why you got to do Chest Monster like that?
- We got to go upstairs and pitch this idea
to Deuce Van Nuys right now!
[upbeat music]
♪ ♪
- I love it, I love it. Just one question, though--
who's gonna play the muscle-bound narcissist
with the, uh, baby-sized shirts?
- Keanu Reeves, of course.
- Yes! [laughs]
- Wait, wait, wait, wait. You got to hear ShoutOut's pitch.
- Yeah, it's really good! - Someone dies.
- Too late.
Dummy pitched after me and sold a movie.
- Starring Keanu Reeves.
- Bye, dummies!
- [laughs]
both: Down the tube.
- I told you to pitch him a movie with Keanu Reeves.
- Schwoz, please ready the Man Cannon.
- Okay.
- Man Cannon? That sounds like something Chest--
Oh!
Why you got to do Chest Monster like that?
- ♪ Always on the scene in the nick of time ♪
♪ The second I see trouble, I know I'll be fine ♪
♪ I'm okay ♪
♪ I'm okay! ♪
♪ Danger ♪
[vocalizing]
♪ ♪
♪ Danger! One, two, three, Force! ♪