- Oh, it's a snake. - Spaghetti and meatballs.
- A kitten. - The inside of a clock.
- Did you hear me say kitten?
- Uh, Vin Diesel.
- Stop what you're doing!
Your afternoon just got a whole lot better.
Nice lawn mower. - Thank you.
- What's with the outfit?
- I'm starting my own self-defense school
based off my experience as a crossing guard.
I call it Jag-Jitsu.
Jag-hiya!
That--that lamp was a threat.
You're welcome.
- Well, thanks for stopping by. - Not so fast!
I'm gonna give you kids the opportunity
to be my first students, where you--
- Let me stop you there. We're gonna pass.
Bye-bye.
- You're gonna come crawling back.
Jag-Jitsu out!
[door closes]
- So should we clean up the broken lamp or--
- Nah, leave it.
We'll just have to remember to wear shoes from now on.
- Dad?
- Why didn't you just use the door?
- I didn't want Jaget to see me.
He isn't here, is he? - Oh, no.
He broke the lamp and left.
- Is he trying to get you to sign up for Jag-Jitsu, too?
- No, but that's why I wanted to speak to you kids privately.
No one's signing up for his class,
and I'm worried he's going to be crushed.
That's why I want you three to enroll.
- Sounds great. We're gonna pass.
- We'll see about that.
[cell phones chiming]
- Hey, uh, we just got a KidDING from you
hiring us to join Jag-Jitsu.
- That's right. I know how to use a smartphone.
- Your flashlight is on.
- Gosh dang it.
Class starts this afternoon in the school gym.
You only get the KidDING money
if Jaget passes you from his class.
- [sighs] Fine. We'll give it a shot.
- If you don't pass, I'll get you jobs at school
to pay off my boat that you exploded.
- [groans]
- We need help cleaning up vomit
from the students in health class.
You know, we really should stop showing
those "Surgery Gone Wrong" videos.
- ♪ Bread, turkey, cheese, mayo, and mustard ♪
♪ That's how Alan makes a sandwich ♪
Hey, Tedward!
What a pleasant surprise.
I was just singing my sandwich song.
- Hey, Alan.
Nice chess set.
- Is that what this is?
I thought my wife bought
a bunch of salt and pepper shakers.
- [laughs] You're funny.
Let me know if you ever want to play.
- I would love to...
because I'm a chess player, too.
We can chess it up whenever you want.
- All right, then, let's do it tomorrow.
I'll see you then.
- [screaming]
It's happening!
Fisher! It's an emergency!
- Dad, in my defense,
I didn't realize I hacked into the French treasury.
- What are you talking about?
- Tedward invited me to play chess,
but I don't know how.
- I can teach you to play, no problem.
Let's go up to my room.
- One second.
[screams]
I had one more to get out.
[upbeat music]
- Maybe this won't be as bad as we think.
I'm excited to learn Jag-Jitsu so I can defend myself
when Jaget does Jag-Jitsu on me.
- You know, I wouldn't mind learning how to fight.
I have eight siblings and one bathroom.
You do the math.
- Yeah, you're right. Maybe this will be fun.
- It's Jag-Jitsu time!
- Maybe not.
- Well, well, well,
look who signed up for my class.
I knew you would come crawling back.
- I wouldn't say we've crawled back.
- If you want to be in this class,
you're gonna have to.
Now crawl to your sensei.
Guess what.
I'm your sensei.
- Do we really have to-- - Do it!
- ♪ I got, you got me ♪
♪ We got this ♪
♪ I like the odds when we're side by side ♪
♪ I like the sound of that ♪
♪ Oh, we're taking off, gonna do this right ♪
♪ I like the sound of that ♪
♪ And when things go up in flames, we're on it ♪
♪ 'Cause I got you, got me, we got this ♪
- And then after yellow belt, you get argyle belt,
and then you get plaid belt--
- Jaget.
You have been talking about belts
for half an hour.
- And before that, you talked about shoes.
- Not shoes! Jag-Jit-shoes!
- Okay, when are we gonna learn some real moves?
- Are you the sensei? - No.
- Then don't sen-say anything.
On your feet.
Time for you to learn the ancient art of Jag-Jitsu.
- You just came up with this two weeks ago.
- I said "ancient."
Lucky for you, we're gonna listen
to the Jag-Jitsu song I recorded.
[upbeat music playing]
♪ Since the dawn of man ♪
♪ There's an ancient plan ♪
♪ You must learn Jag-Jitsu ♪
♪ If you want to guess how to be the best ♪
♪ I tell you what you must do ♪
♪ Jag-Jitsu's the greatest, greatest ♪
♪ The greatest of all time ♪
♪ Jag-Jitsu's the greatest, greatest ♪
♪ And guess what-- I'm something, I am... ♪
♪ I'm Jaget ♪
Move number one--
"Stop, pedestrian."
all: Stop, pedestrian.
♪ ♪
- ♪ I'm Jaget ♪
Move number two--
"Move along, citizen."
all: Move along, citizen.
- Is that clockwise or counterclockwise?
- It's Jaget-wise,
because I'm Jaget and I'm wise.
♪ I'm Jaget ♪
Move number three-- "Look both ways."
Right, left. Right, left.
Up. - Up?
- Do you want a helicopter to land on your head?
Look up!
♪ ♪
- Well, this was a waste of time.
[car horn blares]
- Oh, no, she's here.
- What's up, losers?
- Well, well, well, it's Crash the bus driver.
- Hey, Jaget, I got a question for you.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because even chickens
don't listen to crossing guards!
Boom!
- What is going on?
- Her name is Crash.
She's the reason I started Jag-Jitsu in the first place.
She started her own dojo with kids from her bus route--
bad kids,
kids with no respect for pedestrian safety.
She and her students have been terrorizing
my crosswalk ever since.
- Beat it!
It's time for me to teach my students Bus-Kwon-Do.
Now get back to your crosswalk.
[mockingly] Oh, and remember to look both ways.
- Don't tell me how to look! I'll look wherever I want.
Or maybe I won't look at all.
And now I'm gonna look, but not because you told me to.
- I guess class is over?
- Okay, we've been practicing for a few hours,
so let's try playing a game.
I'll go first.
- I'm all-in.
- There's no way you'll be ready to play Tedward tomorrow.
- But this is my chance to trick my best friend
into spending time with me!
- Speaking of trick,
there might be a way to trick Tedward
into thinking that you know how to play.
- Please say "holograms." Please say "holograms."
- Close. Robots.
- Ooh. I'm listening.
- I'm working on a robot arm
that can mimic what my arm does.
I can try to modify it so I can control your arm.
That way, we can make it look
like you know how to play chess.
- That sounds like cheating.
Let's do it.
- How long did Jaget say we have to hold these signs?
- He said we could stop
when the sun dips below the horizon.
- Come on, guys, we need to do this.
If Jaget doesn't pass us, then Tedward won't pay us,
and if Tedward doesn't pay us,
we can't pay him back for the boat we blew up,
and if we don't pay him, he'll make us clean up vomit,
and I can't hold up this sign any longer!
- Good news, my students.
- Oh, we've earned our argyle belts?
- You're years away from argyle.
I've arranged for you to fight Bus-Kwon-Do
in a competition.
- We're gonna be in an actual fight?
All we've done so far is hold signs
and make traffic signals.
- Yes, you'll fight, and you'll win.
And Crash will finally respect my stop sign.
- Are these Bus-Kwon-Do kids any good?
all: Round and round and round and round
and round and round
and round and round and stop!
- Time's up, Jaget.
all: Go! Stop!
Go, go, stop!
Go! Stop!
Go, go!
Hwah!
Ah!
- These are the kids we're competing against?
- Yeah, but you can take them.
- What makes you think that?
- Part of Jag-Jitsu is irrational confidence.
- Uh, yeah, I'm not doing this.
- Of course you're doing it. Tell her, Munchy.
- I'm with Presley on this one. [loud thud]
That kid just punched through a brick wall!
- You're gonna fight these bus kids
and crush my nemesis.
- Oh, no, we're not.
- Yeah, we don't want these bus kids to beat us up.
- They're not gonna beat you up.
You know Jag-Jitsu. - Jag-Jitsu is useless.
- Yeah, we can't go through with this.
- We quit. - Sorry, bro.
- I taught you how to break a board,
not break my heart.
- You actually never taught us how to break a board.
- I was getting to it!
- I don't know about you guys,
but even though we're not gonna get paid
and we're probably gonna have to clean up vomit,
I am really happy we quit Jag-Jitsu.
- Yes, now we can focus on more productive things
like not getting punched.
- Jaget! [door closes]
Hey...
- I have nothing to say to you.
- Did you prerecord what you were going to say to us
so you didn't actually have to talk to us?
- I'm just here to collect your stop signs.
- They're right there.
- I said give them to me!
- Uh, we--
- Stop crying.
You're embarrassing yourselves.
- I think you misinterpreted
how this conversation was gonna go.
- Thank you. These are new shoes.
Hold on, I have other options.
Potential superhero name-- The Jaguar.
Dang it!
- What's this I hear about you kids quitting?
We had a deal.
No, no, I paid you to take Jaget's class.
Jaget! [chuckles]
Wait a second. This isn't our house.
- Daddy, you broke my heart.
You all did.
Jag-Jitsu out!
- You know, maybe next time, you could say,
"Hey, Jaget's here."
- Jaget looked pretty upset.
I'm starting to feel bad for quitting.
- But he wanted us to fight Crash
and the Bus-Kwon-Dos,
which sounds like a band, but it's not.
- Yeah, they're real fighters.
I don't want to hand-strucked or foot-kicked.
- Didn't you learn Jag-Jitsu?
- Jag-Jitsu isn't real.
Jaget just taught us stupid stuff
like, "Stop, pedestrian."
- Yeah, so I'm gonna fight somebody
by putting my hand out
and yelling, "Stop, pedestrian"!
- [gasps]
You just Jag-Jitsu'd this post!
- Wow, you really did some damage to that.
- Move along, citizen!
Oh, my gosh. That was all instinct.
Tedward, are you okay?
- More impressed than in pain.
Actually, now I'm starting to feel the pain.
Wait. I have an idea.
Munchy, left!
[intense electronic music]
Right!
Helicopter!
♪ ♪
- Whoa.
I know Jag-Jitsu.
- I think Jaget actually taught us something.
- Good.
Now go un-quit and make this right.
- I think we should.
I mean, we did break Jaget's heart.
- Guys, am I crazy,
or do we want to fight these Bus-Kwon-Do kids?
- I'm in. - If Munchy's in, I'm in.
- If Lex is in, I'm in.
- If Presley's in, I'm in.
- You already said you were in. - I know, I wanted to go last.
- And powering up the robot arm.
[mechanical hum]
Our right arms and hands are synced,
so what I do, you do, too.
[arms whirring]
- Wow! So cool!
- Look, you're slapping yourself.
- I am, and I love it!
- Okay, now I can watch your chess game with Tedward
and make the moves for you.
[knock at door] - He's here.
- I'll be watching from my room.
Just relax, and I'll do all the work.
[arm whirring]
- Come on in, Tedward.
- What's with your arm?
- Oh, I sprained it working out too hard.
I bench-pressed 40 pounds, so I was asking for it.
Have a seat.
- Should we get started?
- Of course.
- Oh, no. My calibration is off.
- Got it!
- Okay, just have to set it down gently.
- Do you need some help?
- No, no, no, let me just pick that up.
Feels like I'm getting close.
- Because Team Jag-Jitsu is a no-show,
I will hereby declare Team Bus-Kwon-Do victorious
after a dramatic countdown from three.
Three...
two...
- We're here!
- Where's your sensei? In his crosswalk?
- Where's your brain? In your toes?
- What? - I was trying to sound tough,
but it isn't working.
Anyways, where is Jaget? - I don't know.
All I see are those Bus-Kwon-Do kids
and our school mascot, Luna the Tuna.
I guess he didn't show up because we hurt his feelings.
- Jaget quit?
Maybe you should change your name
to Jag-Quit-Su. - [gasps]
She's trash-talking us.
And she's really good at it. What do we do?
- Ooh, oh, okay, I've got a good line.
We're not going anywhere, so get ready,
'cause we're gonna crosswalk all over you.
- Whoa! - Dang, girl! Okay!
- That's how you do it.
- Alan, you are giving me a run for my money.
- What can I say?
Chess just flows through me. [chuckles]
[arm whirring]
- Okay, I finally got this thing dialed in.
Bet you didn't see that one coming.
- I did not see that one coming.
I think you're about to win.
- We're totally about to win.
And now to celebrate with some sparkling water.
[electronic buzzing]
Oh, no! My arm's shorting out!
It's out of control!
- What's going on? - Just studying the board.
- I think I know what's going on here.
- I can explain!
- You were about to win, and you messed up the game
so you wouldn't hurt my feelings.
- What? I mean, yes.
I mean, what?
- I'm clearly not good enough to keep up with you.
- No! I want to hang out more!
I'm not really good!
I cheated.
- I appreciate you trying not to hurt my feelings.
You're a good guy, Alan. Thanks for the game.
[door closes]
- Fisher?
Big news.
Tedward thinks I'm a good guy!
- Hey, Dad, uh, sorry my mechanical arm shorted out.
- That's okay.
- You know, I really enjoyed cheating with you.
- Me too, Dad.
- Let's get this match started.
Best of three matches wins.
Here we go!
[cheers and applause]
- If Jaget can't be here, at least his music can.
Hit it, Luna the Tuna!
[upbeat music playing]
- Begin!
- ♪ Since the dawn of man... ♪
- Oh, no, no, no, no! [yells]
- Presley! Use "stop, pedestrian"!
- Stop, pedestrian!
♪ ♪
- Point, Jag-Jitsu!
[cheers and applause]
- ♪ Jag-Jitsu's the greatest... ♪
- We can't let Jaget's crosswalk kids win.
Finish her!
- Begin!
- Ha! Hiyah!
♪ ♪
[audience gasps]
[scattered applause]
- Yeah, I know I lost, but that was kind of fun.
- Point, Bus-Kwon-Do.
♪ ♪
The score is tied one to one.
The winner of this next match wins it all!
[cheers and applause]
- [yells]
- Excuse me a moment.
I can't do this! That guy is huge!
- Munchy, you can do this.
- I just don't have the irrational confidence I need.
I wish Jaget was here. - I've always been here.
- [gasps] Jaget?
- You were in the Luna the Tuna costume this whole time?
- Yep. All part of my plan.
- What plan? We quit.
- And I knew you would regret it and end up fighting.
After all, Jag-Jitsu is a guilt-based system.
- It's time to fight.
- Get in there, Munchy.
He may be taller, stronger, faster,
more violent, better trained--
- Where are you going with this?
- You have two things he doesn't.
Jag-Jitsu and a brother who cares about you.
- I actually have a brother. We're super tight.
- Don't let him talk to you like that!
Go get him!
- You got this! - Go, Munchy!
- Begin!
- Look both ways!
[dramatic music]
♪ ♪
- That man is in your crosswalk!
Get him out!
[soft uplifting music]
♪ ♪
- Move along, citizen!
♪ ♪
- And the winner
of this transportation-themed martial-arts competition is...
Jag-Jitsu!
[all cheering]
- Good job, Munchy! We did it.
- No, we did it.
- That's what I was just--
Uh, you're right, Jaget. We did it.
- I can't believe it.
We got beat by a bunch of losers and a tuna.
- This group of losers made this tuna proud today.
That's why you have successfully passed my class.
- Yes! - Yes!
Let's celebrate, Jag-Jitsu-style.
Hit the music.
- ♪ Since the dawn of man, there's an ancient plan ♪
♪ You must learn Jag-Jitsu ♪
♪ If you want to guess how to be the best ♪
♪ I tell you what you must do ♪
♪ Jag-Jitsu ♪