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[bell ringing]
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[horn honks]
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[audience cheering and applauding]
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[cheering and applause continues]
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[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome to the stage
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Michael McIntyre!
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[cheering and applause intensifies]
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[Michael] Bravo!
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Good evening, ladies and gentlemen!
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Welcome...
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[Michael laughs]
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...to my Netflix special!
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Let's do this!
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Thank you!
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[cheering and applause continues]
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If I'm honest with you,
I wanted to be in slightly better...
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physical condition
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-[laughing] for... f-for the special.
-[laughter]
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[laughs] I planned on it,
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but, you know, it's not really happened.
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I wouldn't have mentioned it,
it's just that this suit was cut
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bespokely for my body about a year ago,
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and it's not a body I have anymore,
unfortunately.
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It's got a little clingy, a bit tuggy.
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I've found I have to express myself,
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gesticulate, below this line.
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You'll see mostly
I'll need to express myself
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down here tonight,
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because, when I raise my arms beyond that,
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this has started.
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[laughter]
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Jacket boobs, ladies and gentlemen.
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[applause]
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An incredibly unfortunate side effect
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of the tight jacket.
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I've got a bit chubby cheek, chubby cheek.
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I've got the old chubby cheeks
going on at the moment.
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Um... [smacks lips]
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Unfortunately,
due to the chubby cheek situation,
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um, a few problems.
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I got a phone, um,
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I don't know when it was,
about a year ago.
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The new iPhone. It's got Face ID.
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When you first get it, you look at it,
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it maps your face,
and then it remembers you.
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Every time you look at it,
it becomes unlocked.
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Not from a code, just from your face.
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Well, now my phone no longer recognizes...
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-my fat face.
-[laughter]
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Just stares at me as if to say,
"Who's that fat thief?
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Have you stolen Michael's phone?"
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-[laughter]
-I can unlock it, but I have to do this.
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-Mmm. Mmm.
-[laughter]
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[chuckles]
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It's 'cause I'm getting older, you see.
My wife and I, we're the same age.
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Little things have started changing.
For years, everything was the same,
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but now we can feel it creeping in.
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It's not exactly old age,
but little... little differences.
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For example, we can't stay up at night.
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-We... We pass out.
-[laughter]
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Every single--
About 9:30 is a late one for us.
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-[laughter]
-We get so tired.
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You know when you click
on the Netflix thing
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and it goes "boom-boom"?
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That's the sound of my wife and I's head
hitting the pillow and passing out.
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We can't get beyond it.
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-[laughter and applause]
-[Michael chuckles]
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[cheering]
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Another thing
that's started happening now...
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which, I have to say,
I'm not proud of this.
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I'm actually very disappointed
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that this has happened
so young in my life.
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It's not happening every night.
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But I have started, occasionally,
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waking up in the middle of the night
needing a pee...
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[laughter]
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...which is a very depressing development.
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There's an elder gentleman
who applauded that.
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-What a... What a funny moment.
-[laughter]
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"I'm there with you, my friend."
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[laughter]
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[Michael laughs]
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My bladder used to be fine.
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Like many young bladders in this room,
I'd go to sleep at night.
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I'd be like, "Night, blad."
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My bladder would be like,
"Night, Mikey. Sleep well."
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"I will."
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[laughter]
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I'd wake up in the morning,
my bladder's like, "Look,
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we are full down here,
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but no cause for alarm.
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Next time you're passing the loo,
I will need emptying.
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But chill out, relax, no rush on this.
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Have some breakfast, have some juices.
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Have some smoothies.
Tea, coffee, whatever you want.
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Cereal, more milk, don't mind if you do.
I've got this...
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till at least noon."
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Well, not anymore.
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Now, when I'm deep asleep
in the middle of the night,
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my bladder sends messages to my brain
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to give me dreams that I'm pissing myself.
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-[laughter]
-This is how it wakes me up.
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[applause]
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I'm having a normal anxiety dream.
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I'm back at school. [laughs]
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I'm in an exam I haven't revised for.
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I'm just having a weird dream,
and then I look down...
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Oh, and I've peed my pants as well.
I wake up in a panic!
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Have I pissed my pants?
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I look down, my bladder's like, "Nearly!
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We've got to go now! Up!
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-Now!"
-[laughter]
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And you lie there,
"But I don't want to get up.
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It's three o'clock in the morning,
I don't want to."
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And you fight it,
but your bladder's insistent.
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"I'm afraid you have to wake up,
it's a very dangerous situation down here.
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I don't think I can handle it."
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So that involves getting out of the bed
and going around the bed,
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out of the door, into the bathroom,
which is over there, right?
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Round the bed because my wife is there,
she's closest to the door.
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That's her side.
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-[laughter]
-This is my side, that's her side.
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It's been that way for 20 years.
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It will never, ever change.
We all have our sides.
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Have you ever gone on to
your partner's side?
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It's the weirdest sensation!
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-[screams]
-[laughter]
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"It's the same room,
but it looks really weird from here!
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-[laughter]
-I don't like it!"
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[laughter]
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So I've got to go round the bed,
and I can't wake her up.
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I cannot wake my wife.
If my wife is awoken in the night,
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she won't get back to sleep,
she'll blame me, she'll be up.
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"Why'd you have to wake me up?
Why do you make so much noise?"
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So I have to make sure she stays asleep.
And also, if she wakes up in the night,
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she will inevitably go on her phone,
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which means she will inevitably buy shoes.
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-[laughter]
-She buys so many shoes
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on her phone on online shopping.
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She-- She buys shoes
when she's in the bath,
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she buys shoes at traffic lights,
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she bought a pair of shoes
on the way up a roller coaster.
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-She's addicted.
-[laughter]
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It's costing a fortune.
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Little bit of an insight
into how bad it is.
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The other night,
I was lying in bed on my laptop.
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She's next to me on her mobile phone.
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The children are both in the room as well,
they're both on iPads,
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and the television is on in front of us.
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It's a wonderful, modern family scene.
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[laughter]
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It's not like we don't chat as a family.
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Sometimes there's a WhatsApp ping
and we discuss whose phone it was.
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"Ping!" "Was that you? I think it was me."
"I think your phone just went."
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"Thank you, right you are."
And then we get back to our devices.
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[laughter]
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I was on internet banking at the time.
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I could see money
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-coming out of the account in real time.
-[laughter]
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Every time I refreshed it,
we had less money in the bank!
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[laughter]
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"You are doing this right now, darling?"
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"But these shoes are so beautiful,
darling! I just had to! I just had to!
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If it upsets you, stop refreshing."
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"Please, leave us something
for the morning!"
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[laughter]
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So I can't wake her up, can't wake her up.
It's gonna cost a fortune.
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So I've got to creep round,
get to the loo.
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That is easier said than done,
on account of the floorboards.
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I never realized we had creaky floorboards
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until I started creeping around on them
in the middle of the night.
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I've never noticed the floorboards
make a noise in the daytime.
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As soon as my foot...
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steps out of the bed
in the dead of night...
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[imitates creaking]
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[laughter]
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I can see my wife stirring in her sleep.
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Her arm is subconsciously reaching
for her mobile.
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"No!"
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[laughter]
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[imitates creaking]
I try and find a non-creaky...
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[imitates creaking]
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[laughter]
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[imitates creaking] "Fuck!"
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[laughter]
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After a while, I just leg it.
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[imitates rapid creaking]
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[laughter]
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Everything makes a noise in the night.
Everything.
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[cheering and applause]
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I didn't even know...
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we had an extractor fan
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-until I started peeing in the night.
-[laughter]
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I'll go into the loo,
you turn the lights on...
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[imitates loud humming sound]
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What are we extracting?
I haven't started yet.
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-[laughter]
-[imitates loud humming]
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It's the loudest thing in the world!
It's gonna wake my wife up!
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And there's not two switches.
There's not a switch...
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There's not a switch for light
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and a switch for...
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[loud humming] extraction.
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They're on the same circuit.
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So if you want the light on,
you have to go... [imitates loud humming]
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which will definitely wake my wife up.
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So it means peeing...
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in the darkness.
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-[laughter]
-Because it's all about sound,
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you have to be very sensitive to noise,
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'cause you're waiting for the splash.
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[laughter]
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But you can't pee into the water,
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that's too noisy.
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-[laughter]
-That will wake my wife up.
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00:08:48,520 --> 00:08:51,360
So you wait for the water,
and then immediately retreat...
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-[laughter]
-...to find the sweet spot of the bowl
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-surrounding the water.
-[applause]
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-Yes! This acknowledgment of night peeing!
-[cheering and applause]
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00:09:00,800 --> 00:09:02,760
Darkness urination.
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00:09:03,680 --> 00:09:07,440
And sometimes you're peeing and you hear
a different sound, you know, like, "Ooh,
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I think that's the floor.
I'm peeing on the floor.
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[laughter]
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I've overcompensated."
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[laughter]
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Then you put the light on.
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[imitates loud humming sound]
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"Yep, I've pissed on the floor."
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-[laughter]
-Then you have to get the loo roll out,
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you throw that down.
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You create a sort of foot mop situation,
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as you remove your own pee
from the bathroom floor.
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"How's your life going, Michael?"
"Well, I'm just foot-mopping piss
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-at 3:20 a.m.
-[laughter]
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Other than that, really, really happy."
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[laughter]
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Then it's back to bed.
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[imitates rapid creaking]
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[laughter]
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Soon as I get into the bedroom,
I can see my wife's face glowing.
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[laughter]
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The phone.
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Like a horror movie.
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[laughter]
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You can see shoes in her eyeballs.
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[laughter]
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00:10:01,880 --> 00:10:04,600
"Do you have to make
so much fucking noise, Michael?
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[laughter]
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00:10:05,880 --> 00:10:07,920
I've bought three pairs of shoes there."
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-[laughter]
-Damn!
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That piss cost me 600 quid!
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-Plus VAT!
-[laughter]
252
00:10:13,960 --> 00:10:16,800
I'm thinking about getting a catheter
just to save money.
253
00:10:16,880 --> 00:10:18,040
[laughter]
254
00:10:18,120 --> 00:10:19,320
[applause]
255
00:10:19,400 --> 00:10:20,240
I've...
256
00:10:21,040 --> 00:10:23,520
-I've actually started...
-[cheering and applause]
257
00:10:24,120 --> 00:10:25,800
And this is good advice for you.
258
00:10:25,880 --> 00:10:26,720
[laughter]
259
00:10:26,800 --> 00:10:29,880
I've started having a Berocca before bed,
260
00:10:29,960 --> 00:10:34,000
then I get glow-in-the-dark pee
and I can see exactly the situation.
261
00:10:34,080 --> 00:10:35,520
[laughter]
262
00:10:40,720 --> 00:10:43,680
But I know where... I'm starting
to actually learn where the creaks are.
263
00:10:43,760 --> 00:10:46,600
I actually... I get out of bed,
and I know where to avoid.
264
00:10:46,680 --> 00:10:48,080
I'm getting quite good at it.
265
00:10:48,160 --> 00:10:51,840
I think as I get older,
I'll get more and more brilliant at it.
266
00:10:51,920 --> 00:10:54,600
By the time I'm 80,
I'll be like Ninja Warrior.
267
00:10:54,680 --> 00:10:57,240
A sort of stealth-pissing pensioner
268
00:10:57,320 --> 00:10:58,880
-in the middle of the night.
-[laughter]
269
00:10:58,960 --> 00:11:02,880
[rapid whooshing]
270
00:11:02,960 --> 00:11:05,960
-[rapid whooshing continues]
-[laughter]
271
00:11:06,680 --> 00:11:09,080
Barely any piss will come out at that age.
[rapid whoosh]
272
00:11:09,160 --> 00:11:11,920
-[rapid whooshing]
-[laughter]
273
00:11:12,920 --> 00:11:15,560
Before realizing I've accidentally peed
in the spare room cupboard,
274
00:11:15,640 --> 00:11:18,560
but this is all to come,
ladies and gentlemen!
275
00:11:18,640 --> 00:11:20,240
[cheering and applause]
276
00:11:23,160 --> 00:11:24,400
But the good news is,
277
00:11:24,480 --> 00:11:27,400
the only positive to come out
278
00:11:27,840 --> 00:11:30,520
of getting up in the night to pee
[chuckles]
279
00:11:30,600 --> 00:11:32,880
is it does give me the opportunity,
while my wife is asleep,
280
00:11:32,960 --> 00:11:35,120
to readjust the temperature
281
00:11:35,680 --> 00:11:39,920
in the bedroom, because she likes
sleeping in Arctic conditions.
282
00:11:40,000 --> 00:11:41,760
She sleeps with the window open,
283
00:11:41,840 --> 00:11:43,960
and she calls it "room temperature."
284
00:11:44,040 --> 00:11:45,440
[laughter]
285
00:11:45,520 --> 00:11:49,280
I'm like, "Darling, that's not
room temperature if the window is open.
286
00:11:49,360 --> 00:11:51,840
That's garden temperature."
287
00:11:51,920 --> 00:11:52,880
[laughter]
288
00:11:52,960 --> 00:11:55,760
We might as well sleep in a tent outside.
289
00:11:55,840 --> 00:11:58,240
-It's freezing!
-[laughter]
290
00:11:58,320 --> 00:12:00,080
"Can we close the window,
put the heating on?"
291
00:12:00,160 --> 00:12:02,040
"No, we can't have the heating on
in the bedroom.
292
00:12:02,120 --> 00:12:03,720
You know we'll get sore throats."
293
00:12:03,800 --> 00:12:05,680
"Well, my throat is quite sore
294
00:12:05,760 --> 00:12:08,520
with the icicles forming in it!"
295
00:12:08,600 --> 00:12:10,000
[laughter]
296
00:12:10,080 --> 00:12:12,800
But I don't mind,
she can have what she likes, it's fine.
297
00:12:13,200 --> 00:12:14,760
We... We live together.
298
00:12:14,840 --> 00:12:16,960
If she wants it freezing,
I'll put another blanket on.
299
00:12:17,360 --> 00:12:20,080
It'll be fine. My issue with it is
300
00:12:20,160 --> 00:12:22,560
her relationship with temperature
makes no sense at all.
301
00:12:22,640 --> 00:12:26,800
Why does she want the bedroom
so absolutely freezing,
302
00:12:26,880 --> 00:12:30,600
but her bath is the hottest thing
303
00:12:30,680 --> 00:12:31,880
-known to man?
-[laughter]
304
00:12:32,600 --> 00:12:35,840
There's lava,
and then there's my wife's bath.
305
00:12:36,320 --> 00:12:40,120
When she's in the bath,
steam fills the house.
306
00:12:40,200 --> 00:12:43,360
People are driving down our road
with fog lights on going,
307
00:12:43,440 --> 00:12:45,280
"What's happened in that building?"
308
00:12:45,360 --> 00:12:46,520
[laughter]
309
00:12:46,600 --> 00:12:49,800
And often she calls out from the bath,
through the steam,
310
00:12:49,880 --> 00:12:52,920
"Michael, would you like this bath
after me?"
311
00:12:53,400 --> 00:12:55,520
"What, to cook pasta in?
312
00:12:55,600 --> 00:12:56,440
No."
313
00:12:56,520 --> 00:12:57,360
[laughter]
314
00:12:57,880 --> 00:12:58,840
Danger.
315
00:12:58,920 --> 00:13:00,640
[applause]
316
00:13:00,720 --> 00:13:01,920
'Cause we've all done that.
317
00:13:02,000 --> 00:13:04,320
[chuckling] We've all got into a bath
318
00:13:04,400 --> 00:13:05,640
that's too hot.
319
00:13:05,720 --> 00:13:09,000
And it's normally our own fault,
we don't have time to wait.
320
00:13:09,080 --> 00:13:11,200
When we run the hot tap,
and we run the cold,
321
00:13:11,280 --> 00:13:15,000
we don't have time to wait
for the full, proper temperature
322
00:13:15,080 --> 00:13:17,360
to reveal itself.
You just have a, "Should be fine."
323
00:13:17,440 --> 00:13:19,080
You go away, busy life, and you come back,
324
00:13:19,480 --> 00:13:21,480
and you normally know
as soon as your foot goes in.
325
00:13:21,560 --> 00:13:24,240
As soon it goes in, you normally go,
"Ooh! I've...
326
00:13:24,320 --> 00:13:26,440
-I've run that a bit too hot."
-[laughter]
327
00:13:26,520 --> 00:13:29,600
But often you don't realize it
until you're in already.
328
00:13:29,680 --> 00:13:31,920
You get in,
and you start lowering yourself,
329
00:13:32,000 --> 00:13:33,480
because it takes a while
330
00:13:33,920 --> 00:13:38,040
for the information
that your feet are burning...
331
00:13:38,120 --> 00:13:39,040
[laughter]
332
00:13:39,120 --> 00:13:41,200
...to reach your brain,
where the information has to go
333
00:13:41,280 --> 00:13:42,440
to tell you about it.
334
00:13:42,520 --> 00:13:46,080
Because it's really quite a long way
for the information to travel.
335
00:13:46,160 --> 00:13:47,840
So you start lowering yourself
and thinking,
336
00:13:47,920 --> 00:13:50,840
"Something doesn't feel
altogether right here."
337
00:13:50,920 --> 00:13:51,800
Then it just hits you.
338
00:13:51,880 --> 00:13:53,760
-[screams]
-[laughter]
339
00:13:53,840 --> 00:13:55,240
You have a split-second decision,
340
00:13:55,320 --> 00:13:57,920
-"Do I stay, or do I go?"
-[laughter]
341
00:13:58,000 --> 00:14:01,640
And many times you just go,
"I can't! Oh, my God, I can't!"
342
00:14:02,200 --> 00:14:04,480
And you end up standing naked
in your bathroom.
343
00:14:04,560 --> 00:14:10,600
You look down, you've got these
sort of red skin socks of pain. "Ow!
344
00:14:11,040 --> 00:14:12,640
Look what I did to myself!"
345
00:14:12,720 --> 00:14:14,000
[laughter]
346
00:14:14,080 --> 00:14:16,240
Then you have to empty the hot out
to put the cold in,
347
00:14:16,320 --> 00:14:18,280
which involves sacrificing your arm
348
00:14:18,360 --> 00:14:20,360
to plunge to the plug.
349
00:14:20,440 --> 00:14:22,880
Plug plunging, very dangerous.
350
00:14:23,520 --> 00:14:26,800
You look at your arm as if to say,
"This will hurt, I do apologize.
351
00:14:26,880 --> 00:14:27,840
Brace yourself."
352
00:14:28,240 --> 00:14:30,440
-[screams]
-[laughter]
353
00:14:30,520 --> 00:14:33,640
Sometimes you can't get a purchase.
You're like, "I could lose my arm!"
354
00:14:33,720 --> 00:14:35,000
[laughter]
355
00:14:35,560 --> 00:14:37,440
But the braver amongst us,
356
00:14:37,520 --> 00:14:40,960
there's many here tonight,
and I count myself amongst you,
357
00:14:42,040 --> 00:14:43,560
will hover paddle.
358
00:14:44,160 --> 00:14:46,160
This is where you get into the bath,
359
00:14:46,240 --> 00:14:47,720
even though it hurts,
360
00:14:48,120 --> 00:14:50,280
and you hover over the surface.
361
00:14:50,360 --> 00:14:51,560
You get the cold on,
362
00:14:51,640 --> 00:14:54,320
-and you start paddling like a maniac.
-[laughter]
363
00:14:54,400 --> 00:14:56,280
-"We can change this!
-[applause]
364
00:14:56,360 --> 00:14:59,080
-It's getting better all the time now!
-[cheering and applause]
365
00:14:59,160 --> 00:15:02,040
Be brave! Be brave!"
366
00:15:02,120 --> 00:15:03,320
Then you inherently know,
367
00:15:03,400 --> 00:15:05,840
"It's time to change direction now!
Come on!
368
00:15:06,200 --> 00:15:08,280
It's getting better, it's getting better!
Come on!"
369
00:15:08,360 --> 00:15:09,240
[laughter]
370
00:15:09,320 --> 00:15:11,520
And then you have to test it.
How is the water going?
371
00:15:11,600 --> 00:15:14,640
Is it ready to fully submerge?
372
00:15:15,080 --> 00:15:18,760
And you do this with your bottom,
you select your bottom,
373
00:15:19,480 --> 00:15:22,560
and the task of your bottom
is simply to dip in
374
00:15:22,640 --> 00:15:25,560
to see, is it ready? How's it going?
Is-- How's it going?
375
00:15:26,520 --> 00:15:30,240
This is where I forget,
unfortunately, that I have balls.
376
00:15:30,320 --> 00:15:32,240
[laughter]
377
00:15:33,480 --> 00:15:35,600
It's not so much that I forget.
378
00:15:35,680 --> 00:15:39,040
It's more the angle of dangle...
379
00:15:39,120 --> 00:15:39,960
[laughter]
380
00:15:40,040 --> 00:15:42,240
...means that my balls
are now the closest thing
381
00:15:42,320 --> 00:15:44,840
to the surface of the water,
not my bottom after all.
382
00:15:44,920 --> 00:15:45,760
[laughter]
383
00:15:45,840 --> 00:15:47,840
And it comes as a nasty surprise.
384
00:15:47,920 --> 00:15:48,840
[screams]
385
00:15:48,920 --> 00:15:49,760
[laughter]
386
00:15:49,840 --> 00:15:52,160
It's the most sensitive part
of the human body
387
00:15:52,240 --> 00:15:55,800
It's the last part of the human body,
let's be honest,
388
00:15:55,880 --> 00:15:57,720
that you would volunteer...
389
00:15:57,800 --> 00:15:59,360
-[laughter]
-...to test
390
00:15:59,440 --> 00:16:01,400
boiling water with.
391
00:16:01,480 --> 00:16:02,920
[laughter]
392
00:16:03,000 --> 00:16:06,200
No one's ever handed me a cup of tea
and said, "Michael...
393
00:16:06,280 --> 00:16:07,400
[blowing]
394
00:16:07,480 --> 00:16:10,240
This might be a little bit
on the hot side." [blows]
395
00:16:10,320 --> 00:16:13,200
"Well, we shall soon find out, my friend."
396
00:16:13,280 --> 00:16:14,680
[laughter]
397
00:16:18,560 --> 00:16:20,280
[applause]
398
00:16:20,360 --> 00:16:22,240
[cheering and applause]
399
00:16:24,640 --> 00:16:26,280
[Michael laughing]
400
00:16:27,320 --> 00:16:28,880
[screams]
401
00:16:28,960 --> 00:16:30,040
"Right you are,
402
00:16:30,120 --> 00:16:31,320
little bit more milk.
403
00:16:31,400 --> 00:16:33,040
-[laughter]
-Just a splash.
404
00:16:33,480 --> 00:16:37,000
Just tested it
with my hover-paddle hardened bollocks
405
00:16:37,080 --> 00:16:38,040
there, my friend."
406
00:16:38,120 --> 00:16:39,720
-[laughter]
-[Michael laughs]
407
00:16:42,520 --> 00:16:43,480
Thirsty work.
408
00:16:44,280 --> 00:16:45,480
Thirsty work here.
409
00:16:46,200 --> 00:16:47,720
This is, uh, bottled water.
410
00:16:47,800 --> 00:16:50,720
They've taken the label off it
because of advertising.
411
00:16:51,360 --> 00:16:54,240
Because they're worried
that people watching Netflix
412
00:16:54,320 --> 00:16:56,560
might want to, uh, look like me.
413
00:16:56,640 --> 00:16:58,320
[laughter]
414
00:16:59,800 --> 00:17:02,560
Can you imagine? "What does he drink?"
415
00:17:03,680 --> 00:17:04,520
[chuckles]
416
00:17:04,599 --> 00:17:06,520
It's, uh, Evian, of course. Uh...
417
00:17:06,599 --> 00:17:07,800
-[laughter]
-[chuckles]
418
00:17:07,880 --> 00:17:08,960
If you were wondering.
419
00:17:09,040 --> 00:17:10,960
[in French accent]
Evian. "Live young, Evian."
420
00:17:11,040 --> 00:17:12,240
[laughter]
421
00:17:12,319 --> 00:17:14,640
Middle class people love bottled water,
don't they?
422
00:17:14,720 --> 00:17:16,480
It's a colorless, odorless,
tasteless liquid
423
00:17:16,560 --> 00:17:18,599
and it tastes the same
no matter what brand you get.
424
00:17:18,680 --> 00:17:22,280
It's a miracle of branding and marketing
that people prefer different ones.
425
00:17:22,359 --> 00:17:24,560
"Oh, I like Voss." "I like Fiji."
"I like Buxton."
426
00:17:24,640 --> 00:17:26,280
"I'm a Highland Spring guy."
427
00:17:26,359 --> 00:17:28,200
-[laughter]
-It's the same... same water.
428
00:17:29,280 --> 00:17:31,800
And they get very offended,
you must have seen this in restaurants
429
00:17:31,880 --> 00:17:34,400
when the waiter comes over,
"Can I get you a drink?"
430
00:17:34,480 --> 00:17:37,680
"Uh, yes, can we just have water, please?
Still water, we're fine with still water."
431
00:17:37,760 --> 00:17:40,040
Sometimes the waiter goes, "Tap?"
432
00:17:40,120 --> 00:17:42,600
-[laughter]
-It's a horrible moment.
433
00:17:42,680 --> 00:17:45,240
-[laughter]
-It's like he's just said, "Puddle?
434
00:17:45,320 --> 00:17:46,320
[laughter]
435
00:17:46,400 --> 00:17:49,360
I could scoop some from the pavement?
It rained earlier."
436
00:17:49,440 --> 00:17:50,760
[laughter]
437
00:17:50,840 --> 00:17:52,320
And people are so offended.
438
00:17:52,400 --> 00:17:53,960
"Uh, excuse me, how dare you?
439
00:17:54,040 --> 00:17:55,760
Are you trying to poison
me and my children?
440
00:17:55,840 --> 00:17:58,760
Do you not have any respect?
Do you think I can't afford bottled water?
441
00:17:58,840 --> 00:18:00,680
We'll have Evian, please, or something.
442
00:18:00,760 --> 00:18:02,920
There's a mountain on the bottle,
we find it reassuring.
443
00:18:03,000 --> 00:18:04,760
We don't want your disgusting tap water.
444
00:18:04,840 --> 00:18:08,000
We don't know the condition of your taps
and your tanks and your pipes.
445
00:18:08,080 --> 00:18:10,840
How revolting. Your rat-infested tanks?
446
00:18:10,920 --> 00:18:14,160
Water that's been drained and flushed
for centuries?
447
00:18:14,240 --> 00:18:16,960
You're trying to give that to me?
How revolting.
448
00:18:17,040 --> 00:18:18,600
-[laughter]
-"Ice?"
449
00:18:18,680 --> 00:18:22,520
"Yes, could you freeze the shit water
and put it into the bottled water?
450
00:18:22,920 --> 00:18:25,560
Because we haven't thought this through
at all.
451
00:18:25,640 --> 00:18:28,480
-[cheering and applause]
-We'd like a slow death,
452
00:18:28,560 --> 00:18:34,160
a slow release of poisoned rat water
into the purity of Evian."
453
00:18:34,240 --> 00:18:35,640
[laughter]
454
00:18:38,200 --> 00:18:39,840
So this is a culmination
455
00:18:39,920 --> 00:18:42,240
of, um, a tour I've been doing
for a while,
456
00:18:42,320 --> 00:18:43,880
on and off, all around the world.
457
00:18:43,960 --> 00:18:45,520
It's a big world tour, a big world tour.
458
00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:47,840
[cheering]
459
00:18:47,920 --> 00:18:50,960
And I suppose it's amazingly exciting
to be home at the end of it
460
00:18:51,040 --> 00:18:54,680
because I've been far flung,
far flung places.
461
00:18:54,760 --> 00:18:58,200
Probably the furthest I've been
is the furthest anybody's been from here,
462
00:18:58,280 --> 00:19:00,480
which is New Zealand, New Zealand.
463
00:19:00,560 --> 00:19:02,800
-New Zealand is, um... [chuckles]
-[cheering]
464
00:19:02,880 --> 00:19:04,760
Yeah, New Zealand's amazing,
I love New Zealand.
465
00:19:04,840 --> 00:19:08,040
Um, but it takes 24 hours,
as you know, to get there from here
466
00:19:08,120 --> 00:19:10,600
and that's a day of your life gone,
just gone, it's insane.
467
00:19:10,680 --> 00:19:13,240
And the jetlag is monumental.
468
00:19:13,320 --> 00:19:15,560
So I landed in Auckland, New Zealand.
469
00:19:15,640 --> 00:19:18,280
I thought, I've got to get
onto the time zone as quickly as possible.
470
00:19:18,360 --> 00:19:20,480
So I pulled out the bezel of my watch,
471
00:19:20,560 --> 00:19:23,120
and I said to the stewardess,
"What's the time difference here?
472
00:19:23,200 --> 00:19:26,160
I just want to get onto the new time zone.
What's the time difference here?"
473
00:19:26,240 --> 00:19:27,920
[New Zealand accent] "It's 12 hours ahead.
474
00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:31,080
The time difference in New Zealand,
it's 12 hours ahead.
475
00:19:31,160 --> 00:19:32,880
We're 12 hours ahead in New Zealand."
476
00:19:33,440 --> 00:19:36,440
So I started to wind my watch 12 hours.
477
00:19:36,520 --> 00:19:38,480
[laughter]
478
00:19:38,560 --> 00:19:42,480
And I notice in my peripheral vision
she was looking at me like I was an idiot.
479
00:19:43,040 --> 00:19:45,640
I thought, "What's her problem?
She needs to jog on."
480
00:19:46,360 --> 00:19:48,480
I got to about eight hours in
and I realized,
481
00:19:48,560 --> 00:19:50,120
"Oh, right, I'm going to land
482
00:19:50,200 --> 00:19:52,600
in exactly the same place that I started."
483
00:19:52,680 --> 00:19:53,880
[laughter]
484
00:19:53,960 --> 00:19:55,040
[applause]
485
00:19:55,120 --> 00:19:58,280
So... So, rather than look a fool,
I wound it back.
486
00:19:58,360 --> 00:20:00,440
"Thank you, I'll be fine from here.
487
00:20:00,520 --> 00:20:01,800
Thank you for your help."
488
00:20:02,360 --> 00:20:03,720
They talk like that in New Zealand.
489
00:20:03,800 --> 00:20:06,080
[New Zealand accent] On the front
of their mouths like this.
490
00:20:06,160 --> 00:20:08,120
It's quite fast, it's quite pacey.
491
00:20:08,200 --> 00:20:09,760
And basically, they change the vowels,
492
00:20:09,840 --> 00:20:11,720
they have a strange relationship
with vowels.
493
00:20:11,800 --> 00:20:13,560
They get to a vowel
and they just pick another
494
00:20:13,640 --> 00:20:15,800
and go with that one instead.
It's a thing.
495
00:20:16,240 --> 00:20:19,200
'Cause Australia's a little bit different,
it's much slower in Australia.
496
00:20:19,280 --> 00:20:22,840
[Australian accent] They take their time.
They love the vowels.
497
00:20:22,920 --> 00:20:26,520
When they see a vowel, they're just like,
"We're gonna stay
498
00:20:26,600 --> 00:20:28,160
[drawn out] there.
499
00:20:28,240 --> 00:20:31,640
-[laughter]
-I see no reason...
500
00:20:33,320 --> 00:20:36,840
to rush this sentence, mate.
501
00:20:36,920 --> 00:20:39,600
We're gonna stay on the vowel."
502
00:20:40,000 --> 00:20:42,760
[New Zealand accent] But New Zealand,
it's all about changing the vowel.
503
00:20:43,440 --> 00:20:45,040
[normal voice] I had a bit of an incident
504
00:20:45,120 --> 00:20:47,160
on account
of this vowel changing situation,
505
00:20:47,240 --> 00:20:49,880
and I'm going to be honest and upfront.
It was quite rude.
506
00:20:49,960 --> 00:20:51,960
-Um, but it's funny. [chuckles]
-[laughter]
507
00:20:52,040 --> 00:20:54,840
When I was checking into the hotel
in Auckland, um,
508
00:20:54,920 --> 00:20:58,080
she wanted to tell me, the receptionist,
about this new swimming pool
509
00:20:58,160 --> 00:21:00,760
that they'd built on the sixth floor. Six.
510
00:21:00,840 --> 00:21:02,920
The six floor. Um...
511
00:21:03,000 --> 00:21:05,320
And surrounding the pool was a deck.
512
00:21:05,400 --> 00:21:06,800
-Uh, with an "E."
-[laughter]
513
00:21:06,880 --> 00:21:09,800
And it was known as "The Deck,"
514
00:21:09,880 --> 00:21:11,760
and in the lift it went, "The Deck."
515
00:21:11,840 --> 00:21:13,360
[chuckles] I was checking in, she said,
516
00:21:13,440 --> 00:21:15,280
[New Zealand accent]
"While you're staying here,
517
00:21:15,360 --> 00:21:17,560
are you gonna spend some time
sitting on the Deck?"
518
00:21:17,640 --> 00:21:19,360
[laughter]
519
00:21:22,760 --> 00:21:26,680
[normal voice] "That is an astonishing
assumption to make of me."
520
00:21:27,440 --> 00:21:30,440
She said, [New Zealand accent] "There's
a lovely big deck on the sixth floor."
521
00:21:30,960 --> 00:21:34,600
[normal voice] "There's a lovely big dick
on the sex floor?
522
00:21:34,680 --> 00:21:37,640
What kind of a place is this?"
523
00:21:38,400 --> 00:21:40,720
[New Zealand accent] She said,
"The deck is for hanging out."
524
00:21:40,800 --> 00:21:43,440
-[normal voice] "No, it isn't!"
-[laughter]
525
00:21:46,040 --> 00:21:49,560
[New Zealand accent] "Careful, it can get
a bit slippery up there, it's hardwood."
526
00:21:49,640 --> 00:21:51,400
[normal voice] "Oh, please, behave!"
527
00:21:51,480 --> 00:21:52,560
[laughter]
528
00:21:54,400 --> 00:21:57,800
And I went to Australia while I was there.
Obviously nipped over to Australia.
529
00:21:57,880 --> 00:22:00,320
It's beautiful. I love Australia,
I love Australians.
530
00:22:00,400 --> 00:22:01,720
-[cheering]
-Really nice people.
531
00:22:01,800 --> 00:22:04,160
We've got us some Australians over here.
Welcome, I love 'em.
532
00:22:04,240 --> 00:22:05,320
I love 'em. Really...
533
00:22:05,400 --> 00:22:07,600
Really full on, really happy.
534
00:22:07,680 --> 00:22:09,760
They love that you come over,
they're just so grateful.
535
00:22:09,840 --> 00:22:12,200
"Fucking hell, you came all the way!"
Just brilliant.
536
00:22:12,280 --> 00:22:14,320
And it's like a holiday destination,
it's beautiful.
537
00:22:14,400 --> 00:22:17,040
The beaches are beautiful,
the landscape's magnificent.
538
00:22:17,120 --> 00:22:20,200
The only problem, with all due respect,
is the, um...
539
00:22:20,280 --> 00:22:24,160
the sharks have decided
that that's where they should be.
540
00:22:24,240 --> 00:22:26,640
And the circle Australia,
541
00:22:26,720 --> 00:22:29,600
waiting for Australians
to get into the water.
542
00:22:29,680 --> 00:22:30,560
And guess what?
543
00:22:30,640 --> 00:22:33,320
Australians keep getting into the water.
544
00:22:33,400 --> 00:22:34,360
[laughter]
545
00:22:34,440 --> 00:22:36,360
I was-- I went to the beach
with some Australians.
546
00:22:36,440 --> 00:22:39,680
They're like, "You gonna come for a swim,
Mickey? Come and relax, cool off?
547
00:22:39,760 --> 00:22:41,680
Come for a swim,
it's lovely in the water today."
548
00:22:41,760 --> 00:22:44,080
"No, I don't think so.
I'll be-- I'll be fine."
549
00:22:44,160 --> 00:22:45,000
"Why not?
550
00:22:45,720 --> 00:22:46,760
Why not?"
551
00:22:47,360 --> 00:22:50,000
"Because there are sharks in there."
"Yeah.
552
00:22:50,080 --> 00:22:51,040
Not always."
553
00:22:51,120 --> 00:22:52,680
-[laughter]
-"I think...
554
00:22:52,760 --> 00:22:55,560
the fact that there's ever been one
is enough for me."
555
00:22:56,200 --> 00:22:58,920
"Ah, come on, Mickey.
You've gotta live your life."
556
00:22:59,000 --> 00:23:00,320
"Yes, until it ends.
557
00:23:00,400 --> 00:23:03,640
Maybe today, with a shark attack,
you see?"
558
00:23:04,360 --> 00:23:06,720
He said, "You've got more chance
of being hit by a car."
559
00:23:06,800 --> 00:23:09,960
"Not when I'm fucking swimming, I don't.
I'll be staying here on the beach."
560
00:23:10,040 --> 00:23:11,600
[laughter and applause]
561
00:23:11,680 --> 00:23:12,520
[cheering]
562
00:23:12,600 --> 00:23:13,760
"I'll be right here.
563
00:23:14,760 --> 00:23:17,800
I'll cool off another way."
564
00:23:18,160 --> 00:23:21,600
So while I was in Australia,
I did see, unfortunately, a gentleman...
565
00:23:21,680 --> 00:23:24,480
This isn't... This isn't funny.
But he was fine. He was fine.
566
00:23:24,560 --> 00:23:26,920
He was...
There was a shark attack incident,
567
00:23:27,000 --> 00:23:27,840
but he was fine.
568
00:23:27,920 --> 00:23:30,440
He'd just got bitten on the arm.
It wasn't great.
569
00:23:30,520 --> 00:23:31,720
Um... [chuckles]
570
00:23:31,800 --> 00:23:32,640
I shouldn't laugh.
571
00:23:33,040 --> 00:23:35,120
-[laughter]
-The point I'm trying to make
572
00:23:35,600 --> 00:23:38,280
is that I passionately believe
573
00:23:38,640 --> 00:23:41,960
that this shark attack
would not have happened
574
00:23:43,040 --> 00:23:45,600
if he hadn't have got into the water.
575
00:23:45,680 --> 00:23:47,200
[laughter]
576
00:23:48,000 --> 00:23:49,280
He's lying in his hospital bed
577
00:23:49,360 --> 00:23:52,120
being interviewed on the news.
There's a reporter on the end of his bed.
578
00:23:52,200 --> 00:23:54,680
He's got his arm up in a thing,
he's got his neck in a brace.
579
00:23:54,760 --> 00:23:56,880
She's like,
"So, just if you can, if it's all right,
580
00:23:56,960 --> 00:23:59,520
could you just talk us through,
talk us through, sir, what...
581
00:23:59,600 --> 00:24:00,440
what happened?
582
00:24:00,520 --> 00:24:03,560
He's like, "Yeah, well, I was...
I was just... I-I was just...
583
00:24:03,880 --> 00:24:06,320
[inhales] I was just surfing in the ocean,
584
00:24:07,040 --> 00:24:09,800
and then this shark literally...
585
00:24:10,480 --> 00:24:11,800
came out of nowhere."
586
00:24:11,880 --> 00:24:13,800
[laughter]
587
00:24:15,080 --> 00:24:16,240
Not exactly.
588
00:24:16,320 --> 00:24:20,120
-The shark was in its natural habitat.
-[laughter]
589
00:24:20,200 --> 00:24:23,000
You're the one who literally
came out of nowhere
590
00:24:23,080 --> 00:24:26,000
and offered yourself as a light snack.
591
00:24:26,080 --> 00:24:27,560
-[laughter]
-On a plate.
592
00:24:27,640 --> 00:24:31,440
Literally, on a long, thin platter.
593
00:24:31,520 --> 00:24:33,080
[cheering and applause]
594
00:24:35,280 --> 00:24:36,840
Get out of the water.
595
00:24:38,080 --> 00:24:40,920
It's not like he's being interviewed
in his hospital bed
596
00:24:41,000 --> 00:24:42,040
and he's like, "I was...
597
00:24:42,120 --> 00:24:45,320
I was on the fourth floor
of my Melbourne apartment...
598
00:24:45,400 --> 00:24:47,400
-[laughter]
-...unloading the dishwasher.
599
00:24:48,360 --> 00:24:51,240
I pulled out the top rack
to put my mug in,
600
00:24:51,320 --> 00:24:54,360
and this shark
literally came out of nowhere,
601
00:24:54,440 --> 00:24:56,280
-attacked me on the arm."
-[laughter]
602
00:24:57,880 --> 00:25:00,280
"I was an internal flight to Adelaide.
603
00:25:00,360 --> 00:25:03,880
I looked out the plane,
there's a fucking shark on the wing."
604
00:25:03,960 --> 00:25:05,480
[laughter]
605
00:25:06,320 --> 00:25:09,560
I will attempt an accent,
you've probably noticed I'll give it a go.
606
00:25:10,200 --> 00:25:13,280
Um, I like accents. It doesn't matter
where you go in the world,
607
00:25:13,360 --> 00:25:15,560
they've developed
their own little way of talking.
608
00:25:15,640 --> 00:25:18,040
[chuckles] I don't know how it starts.
609
00:25:18,120 --> 00:25:20,240
Nobody knows how it evolves.
610
00:25:20,320 --> 00:25:21,960
Beautiful ones, you've got Italy.
611
00:25:22,040 --> 00:25:24,680
[Italian accent] It's so beautiful
in Italy. They speak so beautiful.
612
00:25:24,760 --> 00:25:27,360
I don't know how it evolved,
but it is certainly the most sexy way
613
00:25:27,440 --> 00:25:28,880
of communication
614
00:25:29,360 --> 00:25:32,320
is to talk with an Italian accent,
it's so sexy.
615
00:25:32,400 --> 00:25:34,320
Everybody love the way I talking.
616
00:25:34,400 --> 00:25:36,320
-Yeah? You go to France...
-[laughter]
617
00:25:36,400 --> 00:25:39,400
[French accent] A little pissed off,
but still pretty cool, we talk like this.
618
00:25:39,480 --> 00:25:41,800
[normal voice]
Of all the accents in the world,
619
00:25:42,400 --> 00:25:45,240
the one I think
maybe they should ch-change,
620
00:25:45,320 --> 00:25:48,400
and I don't want to disrespect
anybody here who may be from there,
621
00:25:48,480 --> 00:25:51,760
but for me,
it's the Northern Irish accent.
622
00:25:51,840 --> 00:25:54,120
What on earth is going on there?
623
00:25:54,200 --> 00:25:56,040
It's not an easy one to do.
624
00:25:56,120 --> 00:25:58,440
[Northern Irish accent]
They've decided, in Northern Ireland,
625
00:25:58,520 --> 00:26:02,080
that the best... the best...
the best way to communicate
626
00:26:02,160 --> 00:26:05,480
is right... right at the back
of their throat, like that.
627
00:26:06,040 --> 00:26:09,560
Just making noises.
Nothing there. Absolutely nothing.
628
00:26:09,640 --> 00:26:11,600
[normal voice]
You don't know what they're saying.
629
00:26:11,680 --> 00:26:14,600
[Northern Irish accent] "We're gonna
make noises in a Northern Irish accent,
630
00:26:14,680 --> 00:26:16,840
just gonna... [mumbles]
What are you even doing here?"
631
00:26:16,920 --> 00:26:19,560
"I don't even know
what you're doing here myself."
632
00:26:19,640 --> 00:26:20,600
[laughter]
633
00:26:20,680 --> 00:26:23,240
[normal voice] How does it start?
Because babies are like...
634
00:26:23,320 --> 00:26:24,160
"Wah!"
635
00:26:24,240 --> 00:26:26,680
[Northern Irish accent]
"No, it's 'Aah!' All right?
636
00:26:26,760 --> 00:26:28,960
If you're going to stay here,
you've got to do the 'Aah.'"
637
00:26:29,040 --> 00:26:32,120
It's right in the back like that,
fucking right at the back. [mumbles]
638
00:26:32,200 --> 00:26:33,360
[laughter]
639
00:26:33,440 --> 00:26:36,240
[normal voice] The Northern Irish accent
is the only time I've ever heard
640
00:26:36,320 --> 00:26:37,760
somebody sneeze,
641
00:26:37,840 --> 00:26:40,560
[laughing] and I could tell
where they were from…
642
00:26:40,640 --> 00:26:42,680
-[laughter]
-...from the sneeze.
643
00:26:42,760 --> 00:26:46,760
I was in Dubai airport and this bloke
sitting next to me just went...
644
00:26:46,840 --> 00:26:49,240
[gasping and sniffling]
645
00:26:49,880 --> 00:26:54,520
[gasping and exhaling]
646
00:26:54,600 --> 00:26:55,600
"Achoo."
647
00:26:55,680 --> 00:26:57,720
Oh, for goodness sake.
648
00:26:57,800 --> 00:26:59,560
-[laughing and applause]
-[Michael chuckles]
649
00:26:59,640 --> 00:27:01,400
"Are you from, uh, Northern Ireland?"
650
00:27:01,480 --> 00:27:03,640
[Northern Irish accent]
"I am, I'm from Belfast."
651
00:27:04,520 --> 00:27:06,040
[normal voice] "Thought as much."
652
00:27:06,520 --> 00:27:08,240
It's fun though there.
It's nice, nice place.
653
00:27:08,320 --> 00:27:11,240
Did some good shows in Belfast.
Really good audience, up for it.
654
00:27:11,320 --> 00:27:13,360
Nice people, friendly, welcoming.
655
00:27:13,440 --> 00:27:15,440
Had some time to kill while I was there,
656
00:27:15,520 --> 00:27:17,760
so I went to what was, what is,
657
00:27:17,840 --> 00:27:21,280
the most successful tourism destination
they've ever had
658
00:27:21,360 --> 00:27:22,920
in the whole of Northern Ireland.
659
00:27:23,000 --> 00:27:25,360
It's called the Titanic Quarter.
660
00:27:25,440 --> 00:27:28,080
And it's all about
the building of the Titanic,
661
00:27:28,160 --> 00:27:29,600
that was built in Belfast,
662
00:27:29,680 --> 00:27:32,160
and it's something they're incredibly...
663
00:27:32,920 --> 00:27:34,120
proud of.
664
00:27:34,200 --> 00:27:35,920
[laughter]
665
00:27:36,360 --> 00:27:39,520
It's like they don't know
what happened to the Titanic.
666
00:27:39,600 --> 00:27:40,800
Where they built it.
667
00:27:40,880 --> 00:27:43,400
I went round this museum,
and I said to somebody working there,
668
00:27:43,480 --> 00:27:47,880
"I'm so sorry, but you do know
what happened to the Titanic?"
669
00:27:47,960 --> 00:27:50,400
[Northern Irish accent]
"It was fine when it left here."
670
00:27:50,480 --> 00:27:52,520
[normal voice]
I don't know if that's the point, mate.
671
00:27:52,600 --> 00:27:54,040
[laughter and applause]
672
00:27:56,160 --> 00:27:59,120
So while I was there,
I had these gigs in America coming up.
673
00:27:59,200 --> 00:28:01,120
Americans are, um...
674
00:28:01,200 --> 00:28:03,760
They're an amazing audience,
I've got to tell you. They're amazing.
675
00:28:03,840 --> 00:28:05,920
As an audience, they're so...
You can see them, just...
676
00:28:06,000 --> 00:28:08,200
-Ready, up for a good... yes!
-[laughter]
677
00:28:08,280 --> 00:28:09,200
Yes!
678
00:28:09,280 --> 00:28:11,120
They're wild. Wild.
679
00:28:11,200 --> 00:28:14,120
Because, with respect to British people,
and I want you to know, I am one,
680
00:28:14,200 --> 00:28:15,840
so I'm the same as you.
681
00:28:15,920 --> 00:28:17,440
When I went to America, they were...
682
00:28:17,520 --> 00:28:19,720
I did the show in America, they were wild,
683
00:28:19,800 --> 00:28:22,160
whooping, cheering,
laughing and everything.
684
00:28:22,240 --> 00:28:24,840
I went on social media after the show.
Everything was in capitals.
685
00:28:24,920 --> 00:28:26,760
[American accent]
"Michael McIntyre was awesome!
686
00:28:26,840 --> 00:28:28,120
He blew the roof off.
687
00:28:28,200 --> 00:28:30,320
-[excitedly] He was incredible!"
-[laughter]
688
00:28:30,400 --> 00:28:31,840
[normal voice] I don't get that here.
689
00:28:31,920 --> 00:28:33,920
-I'm going to be honest with you.
-[laughter]
690
00:28:34,000 --> 00:28:38,800
The best I get from British people is,
"He didn't disappoint."
691
00:28:38,880 --> 00:28:40,440
[laughter]
692
00:28:40,520 --> 00:28:41,440
[applause]
693
00:28:41,840 --> 00:28:43,680
Even when we're happy...
694
00:28:43,760 --> 00:28:46,120
-[cheering]
-...we have to reference
695
00:28:46,560 --> 00:28:49,920
our disappointing lives.
696
00:28:52,640 --> 00:28:55,120
The other one I get here is,
"Surprisingly good."
697
00:28:55,200 --> 00:28:57,120
Why are you so surprised?
698
00:28:57,200 --> 00:28:59,000
-You booked the tickets!
-[laughter]
699
00:28:59,080 --> 00:29:01,320
British people go out
with no expectations.
700
00:29:01,400 --> 00:29:03,280
"I'm not planning on much entertainment
701
00:29:03,360 --> 00:29:04,960
-this evening."
-[laughter]
702
00:29:05,040 --> 00:29:08,040
"Surprisingly good, wasn't it, Pam?"
703
00:29:09,080 --> 00:29:12,200
So, of all the places I went
on my tour round the world,
704
00:29:12,280 --> 00:29:14,960
I think my funnest one,
the most unexpectedly fun one,
705
00:29:15,880 --> 00:29:19,080
for me has to be, um,
when I did these shows in Asia.
706
00:29:19,160 --> 00:29:20,920
I had never gigged in Asia.
707
00:29:21,000 --> 00:29:23,000
I did Hong Kong and Singapore
back to back.
708
00:29:23,560 --> 00:29:25,960
And I've never even actually
been to Asia before.
709
00:29:26,040 --> 00:29:28,360
And this might come as a surprise
to many of you
710
00:29:28,440 --> 00:29:31,000
to find out that I'm not...
711
00:29:31,480 --> 00:29:32,720
[laughter]
712
00:29:33,960 --> 00:29:35,920
...an Asian person.
713
00:29:36,560 --> 00:29:38,840
I realize... [laughs]
714
00:29:38,920 --> 00:29:40,840
I look Asian.
715
00:29:40,920 --> 00:29:43,920
Especially when I smile,
I get more and more Asian.
716
00:29:44,000 --> 00:29:44,880
Now...
717
00:29:44,960 --> 00:29:47,760
[laughing]
718
00:29:48,760 --> 00:29:50,120
I've looked into this.
719
00:29:50,880 --> 00:29:52,560
My parents, not Asian.
720
00:29:52,640 --> 00:29:56,400
Everybody in my ancestry,
also not from Asia.
721
00:29:56,480 --> 00:30:01,200
My children in no way resemble
Asian people.
722
00:30:01,600 --> 00:30:04,440
-I am the sole Asian representative...
-[laughter]
723
00:30:04,520 --> 00:30:06,200
...of my house and family,
724
00:30:06,280 --> 00:30:09,360
and nobody understands
why that's happened.
725
00:30:09,840 --> 00:30:15,080
Even that I myself
mistook myself for an Asian gentleman
726
00:30:15,160 --> 00:30:18,240
in what was a very, very
depressing moment.
727
00:30:18,320 --> 00:30:19,560
I was coming off an airplane,
728
00:30:19,640 --> 00:30:22,800
and you know when they leave newspapers
there for you to grab on the way off?
729
00:30:22,880 --> 00:30:25,280
And I'm coming off in that funnel bit,
you know the funnel bit?
730
00:30:25,360 --> 00:30:29,000
Long-haul flight, not paying attention,
and I notice, in the corner of my eye,
731
00:30:29,080 --> 00:30:31,840
that I'm on the front page
of the Daily Mail.
732
00:30:31,920 --> 00:30:34,280
And my heart sunk. I thought... [gasps]
"What have I done?
733
00:30:34,360 --> 00:30:36,720
Oh, my God, something's happened,
something must have broken
734
00:30:36,800 --> 00:30:39,320
[gasps] while I was in the sky.
[gasps] Oh, my...
735
00:30:39,400 --> 00:30:42,040
What? Oh, my... What is it? Oh, my God."
736
00:30:43,600 --> 00:30:45,320
It was Kim Jong-un.
737
00:30:45,400 --> 00:30:46,440
[laughter]
738
00:30:47,080 --> 00:30:48,440
[applause]
739
00:30:50,560 --> 00:30:53,040
If there's a more depressing moment
740
00:30:53,440 --> 00:30:54,760
in my life,
741
00:30:55,200 --> 00:30:57,200
I'm yet to experience it.
742
00:30:58,720 --> 00:31:00,640
The sad truth
743
00:31:01,360 --> 00:31:05,440
is that I could probably
unlock Kim Jong-un's iPhone...
744
00:31:05,520 --> 00:31:07,160
[laughter]
745
00:31:07,240 --> 00:31:09,840
...with my fat Asian face.
746
00:31:09,920 --> 00:31:11,080
[laughter]
747
00:31:11,480 --> 00:31:15,560
Maybe the FBI will send me
into the Pyongyang palace
748
00:31:15,640 --> 00:31:18,680
to steal government secrets
in the dead of night.
749
00:31:18,760 --> 00:31:21,480
[chuckles] [American accent] "How are you
with creeping around bedrooms
750
00:31:21,560 --> 00:31:22,880
while people are trying to sleep?"
751
00:31:22,960 --> 00:31:25,760
[normal voice] "I practice that
nightly, sir. I'm your man.
752
00:31:26,240 --> 00:31:29,840
Just give me a schematic of all the creaks
on the floorboards and we'll be fine."
753
00:31:29,920 --> 00:31:31,480
[laughter]
754
00:31:32,560 --> 00:31:34,960
While I was in, uh, Asia, in Hong Kong,
755
00:31:35,040 --> 00:31:37,640
a very, very exciting development
occurred.
756
00:31:37,720 --> 00:31:38,720
Um... [smacks lips]
757
00:31:38,800 --> 00:31:40,000
This was very unexpected.
758
00:31:40,080 --> 00:31:44,600
Now, I should tell you that I'm married
to a beautiful woman.
759
00:31:44,680 --> 00:31:46,680
[inhales] She's out of my league.
760
00:31:46,760 --> 00:31:47,840
Um... [smacks lips]
761
00:31:47,920 --> 00:31:50,080
She's like properly... She's hot.
762
00:31:50,960 --> 00:31:54,640
And I know that she's out of my league
because everybody who meets us,
763
00:31:54,720 --> 00:31:55,880
and meets her,
764
00:31:56,200 --> 00:31:57,960
tells us immediately.
765
00:31:58,040 --> 00:31:59,440
They can't help it.
766
00:31:59,520 --> 00:32:01,040
They just look at us and go...
767
00:32:01,640 --> 00:32:02,480
"Why?"
768
00:32:02,560 --> 00:32:04,440
-[laughter]
-They don't understand.
769
00:32:04,520 --> 00:32:07,000
She is a ten. She's a ten.
770
00:32:07,080 --> 00:32:08,640
No doubt about it, she's a ten.
771
00:32:09,160 --> 00:32:10,920
I am like, well...
772
00:32:11,640 --> 00:32:14,240
maybe with a diet and a...
and a tan, and a...
773
00:32:14,320 --> 00:32:16,040
and a great... a great distance
774
00:32:16,120 --> 00:32:19,040
and a short-sighted affliction...
775
00:32:19,560 --> 00:32:22,400
and a low lighting, maybe a six.
776
00:32:22,480 --> 00:32:23,720
[laughter]
777
00:32:23,800 --> 00:32:24,720
Or a five.
778
00:32:24,800 --> 00:32:26,440
[laughter]
779
00:32:26,520 --> 00:32:28,720
I'm feeling it's a four
from this reaction.
780
00:32:28,800 --> 00:32:32,280
-[laughter]
-I'm fine, I'm fine with it, I don't care.
781
00:32:33,000 --> 00:32:34,520
Because in Hong Kong,
782
00:32:35,120 --> 00:32:36,600
I'm a fucking nine.
783
00:32:36,680 --> 00:32:38,440
-[laughter]
-I'm a nine.
784
00:32:39,160 --> 00:32:42,040
-[cheering and applause]
-This is the look
785
00:32:42,120 --> 00:32:43,480
they go for.
786
00:32:43,920 --> 00:32:47,840
'Cause I've got this sort of,
"Is he Asian, is he not Asian?"
787
00:32:47,920 --> 00:32:50,360
Cool, British,
James Bond-y thing going on.
788
00:32:50,880 --> 00:32:52,760
Soon as I got off the plane,
girls were giggling.
789
00:32:52,840 --> 00:32:54,360
[giggling] "Oh, my God!"
790
00:32:54,440 --> 00:32:55,320
[laughter]
791
00:32:55,400 --> 00:32:57,520
I was like, "What?"
I didn't know what had happened.
792
00:32:57,600 --> 00:32:59,560
No one had ever reacted to me like that.
793
00:32:59,640 --> 00:33:00,720
Girls were coming up to me,
794
00:33:00,800 --> 00:33:02,840
[Asian accent]
"Excuse me, oh, my God, where you from?
795
00:33:02,920 --> 00:33:04,680
You have such an interesting face.
796
00:33:05,600 --> 00:33:07,040
Oh, hello."
797
00:33:07,120 --> 00:33:09,440
-[laughter]
-[normal voice] I knew they fancied me
798
00:33:09,520 --> 00:33:12,600
because they were
lowering their face masks to flirt.
799
00:33:12,680 --> 00:33:14,120
[laughter]
800
00:33:20,080 --> 00:33:21,880
[Asian accent] "Hello, stranger.
801
00:33:22,480 --> 00:33:24,360
How you doin'?"
802
00:33:25,440 --> 00:33:28,160
[normal voice] This girl came over to me,
[Asian accent] "Excuse me...
803
00:33:30,360 --> 00:33:31,640
are you a model?"
804
00:33:31,720 --> 00:33:33,920
-[laughter]
-[normal voice] Am I a model?
805
00:33:34,000 --> 00:33:35,760
No, what are you talking about?"
806
00:33:36,200 --> 00:33:39,640
She said, "You look exactly like
the man from the Paco Rabanne adverts."
807
00:33:39,720 --> 00:33:42,680
There's an advertising campaign
in Hong Kong for Paco Rabanne.
808
00:33:42,760 --> 00:33:45,920
I look exactly like the guy in it.
If anything, I'm better looking.
809
00:33:46,000 --> 00:33:49,720
In Hong Kong, I'm a Paco Rabanne model.
810
00:33:49,800 --> 00:33:54,720
In this country, I've been offered
zero advertising work whatsoever.
811
00:33:54,800 --> 00:33:58,960
Unless Jacamo come out
with a new jacket boob range,
812
00:33:59,040 --> 00:34:01,760
I don't think that's gonna be changing...
813
00:34:01,840 --> 00:34:04,400
-[cheering and applause]
-...in the near future.
814
00:34:04,480 --> 00:34:08,360
"Shop at Jacamo,
with their new jacket boob range.
815
00:34:08,440 --> 00:34:10,360
Comes in all sizes of boobs."
816
00:34:10,440 --> 00:34:12,360
[laughter]
817
00:34:13,400 --> 00:34:14,719
[laughter]
818
00:34:14,800 --> 00:34:15,679
Not gonna happen.
819
00:34:16,280 --> 00:34:18,199
Doesn't matter. Hong Kong, gorgeous.
820
00:34:18,280 --> 00:34:19,120
[laughter]
821
00:34:19,199 --> 00:34:21,360
Unfortunately, this did lead
to a quite embarrassing, uh,
822
00:34:21,440 --> 00:34:22,639
[chuckles] situation.
823
00:34:23,560 --> 00:34:26,120
My wife's always trying to look after me.
She wasn't with me.
824
00:34:26,199 --> 00:34:28,320
Um, I was touring alone,
but I couldn't sleep,
825
00:34:28,400 --> 00:34:30,040
I kept whining about it, "I'm jetlagged,"
826
00:34:30,120 --> 00:34:33,320
so she booked me in for a massage
in the hotel spa.
827
00:34:33,400 --> 00:34:34,760
She said, "It's world-renowned.
828
00:34:34,840 --> 00:34:36,800
Have a massage, it'll help you sleep."
829
00:34:36,880 --> 00:34:39,719
So I go downstairs to the spa,
you know, lift doors open,
830
00:34:39,800 --> 00:34:41,360
there's candles and low music.
831
00:34:41,440 --> 00:34:43,960
There's a few girls on reception,
they're giggling as I walk over
832
00:34:44,040 --> 00:34:45,960
because I'm gorgeous,
but I'm used to it now.
833
00:34:46,040 --> 00:34:48,600
It's almost annoying. [Asian accent]
"He's coming over! Oh, my God!
834
00:34:48,679 --> 00:34:51,199
He's the guy from Paco Rabanne!
Oh, my God!"
835
00:34:51,280 --> 00:34:52,120
[laughter]
836
00:34:52,199 --> 00:34:55,239
[normal voice] This one girl lowered
her face mask and put red lipstick on.
837
00:34:55,320 --> 00:34:56,960
[Asian accent] "I can't believe it's him!"
838
00:34:57,040 --> 00:34:58,000
[laughter]
839
00:34:58,080 --> 00:35:01,240
[normal voice] Then she put the face mask
over her lips.
840
00:35:01,320 --> 00:35:04,640
It was seeping through the mask
by the time I got there.
841
00:35:04,720 --> 00:35:08,040
She looked like the Joker in Batman.
Not a good look!
842
00:35:08,840 --> 00:35:10,280
I said, "I'm here for my massage."
843
00:35:10,360 --> 00:35:13,720
She said, "Okay, what you want to do is
you want to go to the men's locker room,
844
00:35:13,800 --> 00:35:15,360
just down there on the right,
845
00:35:15,440 --> 00:35:18,000
and in there you'll find a locker, um...
846
00:35:18,080 --> 00:35:20,000
There's a robe in there,
and some slippers.
847
00:35:20,080 --> 00:35:23,600
Pop those on, and then go straight on
and your therapist will meet you. Enjoy."
848
00:35:23,680 --> 00:35:25,680
So I went through,
and sure enough I found a locker.
849
00:35:25,760 --> 00:35:28,720
There was a robe in there, some slippers,
just what I was expecting.
850
00:35:28,800 --> 00:35:30,720
But there was something
I wasn't expecting at all.
851
00:35:30,800 --> 00:35:35,040
A tiny packet of disposable...
852
00:35:35,520 --> 00:35:37,720
massage underwear.
853
00:35:37,800 --> 00:35:41,600
-[laughter]
-No man should be wearing these,
854
00:35:41,680 --> 00:35:42,680
let me tell you.
855
00:35:43,240 --> 00:35:46,040
There was a string
that went round one hip,
856
00:35:46,120 --> 00:35:48,480
a string that went round the other,
857
00:35:48,560 --> 00:35:52,840
and then barely any fabric at all
in the middle here.
858
00:35:52,920 --> 00:35:56,760
But, as I say, I'd never seen
these disposable massage pants before.
859
00:35:56,840 --> 00:36:00,280
I assumed it was a face mask for my face.
860
00:36:00,360 --> 00:36:02,080
[laughter]
861
00:36:02,160 --> 00:36:07,120
So the side stringy bits
I hooked onto my ears, like this.
862
00:36:07,200 --> 00:36:08,280
[laughter]
863
00:36:12,160 --> 00:36:15,760
And I put my face where my balls
were supposed to be housed.
864
00:36:16,440 --> 00:36:18,520
Put the robe on, and the slippers,
865
00:36:18,600 --> 00:36:21,560
and I start coming down the corridor
with these pants on my face.
866
00:36:21,640 --> 00:36:22,880
[laughter]
867
00:36:23,560 --> 00:36:25,640
I got into the massage room,
the girl was like...
868
00:36:25,720 --> 00:36:27,280
[laughing]
869
00:36:27,360 --> 00:36:29,400
[Asian accent]
The pants are on your face!"
870
00:36:29,480 --> 00:36:31,840
-[laughter]
-[normal voice] I took it off, she's like,
871
00:36:31,920 --> 00:36:34,200
[gasps] [Asian accent]
"It's the man from Paco Rabanne!"
872
00:36:34,280 --> 00:36:35,280
[laughter]
873
00:36:36,920 --> 00:36:38,280
[applause]
874
00:36:39,640 --> 00:36:41,320
[cheering and applause]
875
00:36:43,280 --> 00:36:45,880
[normal voice] Isn't it lovely,
ladies and gentlemen, isn't it nice,
876
00:36:45,960 --> 00:36:48,440
just... just for this... just for this...
877
00:36:48,520 --> 00:36:51,240
while we're doing this show,
to not be on our phones?
878
00:36:51,320 --> 00:36:52,480
But it's nice, isn't it?
879
00:36:52,560 --> 00:36:55,920
Look at all of us. It's such a rarity.
880
00:36:56,000 --> 00:36:57,880
Look at us all. No one...
881
00:36:57,960 --> 00:36:59,160
No one's on their phone.
882
00:36:59,640 --> 00:37:02,280
You probably used your phones
to book your tickets for tonight.
883
00:37:02,360 --> 00:37:04,880
It's very easy.
You go online, you go to the theater.
884
00:37:04,960 --> 00:37:06,040
You can pick your seats.
885
00:37:06,120 --> 00:37:09,280
It's all very easy to do
when you're booking things online.
886
00:37:09,360 --> 00:37:12,040
But there's a weird thing that's going on
when you're booking tickets.
887
00:37:12,120 --> 00:37:13,840
It doesn't always happen, and nobody knows
888
00:37:14,360 --> 00:37:16,720
what the hell it's all about.
889
00:37:17,320 --> 00:37:19,800
You're booking your tickets online,
and it suddenly just goes,
890
00:37:19,880 --> 00:37:21,080
"Are you a robot?"
891
00:37:21,160 --> 00:37:22,600
[laughter]
892
00:37:22,680 --> 00:37:24,760
Extraordinary question.
893
00:37:24,840 --> 00:37:29,480
No one's ever suspected
I'm anything other human.
894
00:37:30,120 --> 00:37:32,880
And you tick the box and you go,
"No, I'm not a robot.
895
00:37:32,960 --> 00:37:35,560
This is really weird, can we carry on?"
896
00:37:35,640 --> 00:37:38,200
And they go, "No." The computer goes,
"No, we can't carry on.
897
00:37:38,280 --> 00:37:40,240
We're going to have to run some tests
898
00:37:40,320 --> 00:37:43,240
to confirm that you are human
899
00:37:43,320 --> 00:37:44,440
and not a robot."
900
00:37:44,520 --> 00:37:47,800
And you think, "Well, this should be
the easiest test I've ever taken.
901
00:37:47,880 --> 00:37:49,640
I'm gonna ace this test.
902
00:37:49,720 --> 00:37:52,840
All I have to do is prove my humanity!
903
00:37:53,280 --> 00:37:56,240
I've br-- I've--
I've fathered other humans.
904
00:37:56,320 --> 00:37:59,320
I'm definitely not a robot.
Come on, anything you've got.
905
00:37:59,400 --> 00:38:01,400
This is such a waste of time.
906
00:38:01,480 --> 00:38:02,680
What are the questions?"
907
00:38:02,760 --> 00:38:04,840
"Okay, so, here are some boxes.
908
00:38:04,920 --> 00:38:07,440
Which one is a shopfront?"
909
00:38:07,520 --> 00:38:09,560
-[laughter]
-"Oh.
910
00:38:09,640 --> 00:38:10,920
Why is this so difficult?
911
00:38:11,000 --> 00:38:12,360
[laughter]
912
00:38:12,440 --> 00:38:15,920
Where are these creepy
middle-American shops, anyway?"
913
00:38:16,000 --> 00:38:16,960
[laughter]
914
00:38:17,040 --> 00:38:21,200
Sometimes the shop is bleeding
into more than one box.
915
00:38:21,280 --> 00:38:23,520
What are we supposed to do?
Do we just tick the main box
916
00:38:23,600 --> 00:38:27,880
or all the boxes around it?
What are the rules of this robot quiz?
917
00:38:27,960 --> 00:38:29,880
-[laughter]
-So you go, "That one, that one,
918
00:38:29,960 --> 00:38:32,040
and I'm just guessing that one."
919
00:38:32,120 --> 00:38:34,120
And you press send. It goes, "No.
920
00:38:34,200 --> 00:38:35,960
-You got that wrong.
-[laughter]
921
00:38:36,040 --> 00:38:39,040
We still suspect you might be a robot.
922
00:38:39,120 --> 00:38:40,760
How are you with bridges?"
923
00:38:40,840 --> 00:38:43,720
"I don't know.
I thought I was good at shops!"
924
00:38:43,800 --> 00:38:44,680
[laughter]
925
00:38:44,760 --> 00:38:46,800
Sometimes I get so many wrong in a row,
I'm like,
926
00:38:46,880 --> 00:38:49,720
"Darling, am I a robot?
You would tell me?"
927
00:38:49,800 --> 00:38:51,000
[laughter]
928
00:38:52,320 --> 00:38:54,400
My kids, I realized the other day,
929
00:38:54,480 --> 00:38:58,080
they don't even know of a time
when there was no internet.
930
00:38:58,160 --> 00:39:00,560
Their whole life, they've had internet.
931
00:39:00,640 --> 00:39:02,040
They can't fathom how--
932
00:39:02,120 --> 00:39:04,520
They ask the question,
"How did you survive?"
933
00:39:04,600 --> 00:39:06,360
-[laughter]
-And I have no answer.
934
00:39:06,440 --> 00:39:08,600
-"I don't really remember.
-[laughter]
935
00:39:08,680 --> 00:39:10,280
I don't really remember."
936
00:39:10,920 --> 00:39:13,920
But we can think back now
to the dawn of the internet.
937
00:39:14,000 --> 00:39:15,440
Remember those first few years,
938
00:39:15,520 --> 00:39:19,360
when we always said "www."
before every website?
939
00:39:19,920 --> 00:39:22,080
What a waste of time that was.
940
00:39:22,160 --> 00:39:24,920
Why did it take us three years
941
00:39:25,000 --> 00:39:29,680
to realize
all the websites start with www.?
942
00:39:29,760 --> 00:39:31,000
[laughter]
943
00:39:31,080 --> 00:39:35,240
"You can get us at our website,
www.amazon.com."
944
00:39:35,320 --> 00:39:38,080
"It's www.ebay.com."
945
00:39:38,480 --> 00:39:41,160
"www.tripadvisor.com."
946
00:39:41,720 --> 00:39:43,360
Some of them must be so painful.
947
00:39:43,440 --> 00:39:45,680
The World Wrestling Federation.
948
00:39:45,760 --> 00:39:50,120
"You can catch us on our website,
www.wwwf.com."
949
00:39:50,200 --> 00:39:52,720
-[laughter]
-Every day having to say that shit.
950
00:39:53,520 --> 00:39:54,840
The World Wildlife Fund.
951
00:39:54,920 --> 00:39:56,440
"Of course, don't forget to donate,
952
00:39:56,520 --> 00:39:59,480
at www.wwwf.com."
953
00:39:59,560 --> 00:40:00,400
[laughter]
954
00:40:02,040 --> 00:40:07,280
We must have wasted a fortnight
of our lives just going, "wwwwww..."
955
00:40:07,360 --> 00:40:08,760
[laughter]
956
00:40:08,840 --> 00:40:10,960
And think back, think back now,
957
00:40:11,400 --> 00:40:15,240
now that the internet is so much
a part of our lives,
958
00:40:15,320 --> 00:40:16,400
think back...
959
00:40:16,480 --> 00:40:19,560
think back to our first password,
960
00:40:19,640 --> 00:40:21,560
because our minds, our brains
961
00:40:21,640 --> 00:40:24,560
are so filled with passwords.
962
00:40:24,960 --> 00:40:28,960
It's such a struggle for us
to remember all the passwords.
963
00:40:29,040 --> 00:40:30,720
We go to businesses online
964
00:40:30,800 --> 00:40:32,400
and you go, "I can't remember.
965
00:40:32,480 --> 00:40:34,560
I can't remember my password."
966
00:40:34,640 --> 00:40:36,600
And you put it in.
Sometimes they lock you out,
967
00:40:36,680 --> 00:40:40,520
and they go, "No, you've got one more try
to remember your own password,
968
00:40:40,600 --> 00:40:41,680
you fucking idiot."
969
00:40:41,760 --> 00:40:43,400
-"Oh, God!"
-[laughter]
970
00:40:44,200 --> 00:40:45,400
Or you click "I forgot it,"
971
00:40:45,480 --> 00:40:47,200
and they ask you questions
about your life,
972
00:40:47,280 --> 00:40:48,880
and you don't even remember the answers.
973
00:40:48,960 --> 00:40:50,720
-They're about your own life!
-[laughter]
974
00:40:50,800 --> 00:40:54,360
"What is your favorite pet?"
"Oh, no, I can't believe I chose one."
975
00:40:54,440 --> 00:40:55,320
[laughter]
976
00:40:55,400 --> 00:40:57,680
The dog walks in,
"If it isn't me, I'm leaving.
977
00:40:57,760 --> 00:40:59,920
-I'm literally walking out the door."
-[laughter]
978
00:41:03,000 --> 00:41:04,480
"www."
979
00:41:04,560 --> 00:41:06,200
[applause]
980
00:41:06,280 --> 00:41:07,760
Oh, the passwords.
981
00:41:07,840 --> 00:41:10,920
And at the beginning,
we all had one password.
982
00:41:11,000 --> 00:41:13,320
It was our... It was our first password.
983
00:41:13,400 --> 00:41:15,000
We can nostalgically remember.
984
00:41:15,080 --> 00:41:18,200
And we used it for everything,
every time we joined another business.
985
00:41:18,280 --> 00:41:21,640
"Can I have your password?"
"Yes, you can, that is my special word."
986
00:41:21,720 --> 00:41:23,080
-[laughter]
-And then...
987
00:41:23,160 --> 00:41:25,240
companies started getting quite rude.
988
00:41:25,320 --> 00:41:28,040
You would put your password in,
and it would go, "Weak."
989
00:41:28,120 --> 00:41:31,280
-"Who are you to judge my special word?"
-[laughter]
990
00:41:31,360 --> 00:41:33,040
[laughter]
991
00:41:33,720 --> 00:41:36,120
They're like, "Sorry, but the internet
has become very popular,
992
00:41:36,200 --> 00:41:37,680
we need to strengthen your password."
993
00:41:37,760 --> 00:41:39,640
And businesses would insist,
994
00:41:39,720 --> 00:41:42,440
"We must have from you a capital letter.
995
00:41:42,520 --> 00:41:46,040
I'm sorry, we will not be
accepting passwords anymore
996
00:41:46,120 --> 00:41:50,320
unless it contains
at least one capital letter.
997
00:41:50,840 --> 00:41:54,200
And we all momentarily
considered our options
998
00:41:54,280 --> 00:41:59,360
before deciding to capitalize
the first letter of our password.
999
00:41:59,440 --> 00:42:00,880
[laughter]
1000
00:42:01,680 --> 00:42:03,840
And for a period of time, that was fine.
1001
00:42:04,280 --> 00:42:06,880
But the internet became even more popular,
1002
00:42:06,960 --> 00:42:10,720
and then businesses started saying,
"I'm afraid you cannot join
1003
00:42:10,800 --> 00:42:13,880
unless you have
at least one capital letter
1004
00:42:13,960 --> 00:42:16,560
and at least one number."
1005
00:42:17,080 --> 00:42:23,440
Again, less than half
a microsecond's consideration
1006
00:42:23,520 --> 00:42:25,640
before we collectively decided,
1007
00:42:25,720 --> 00:42:28,600
-"You shall be getting the number one...
-[laughter]
1008
00:42:28,680 --> 00:42:33,480
...and that will be at the end
of my now capitalized password."
1009
00:42:33,560 --> 00:42:34,600
[applause]
1010
00:42:34,680 --> 00:42:38,560
And, for a period of time,
this was acceptable,
1011
00:42:39,240 --> 00:42:43,160
until a whole new unexpected
1012
00:42:43,240 --> 00:42:46,320
and exciting dawn emerged.
1013
00:42:46,400 --> 00:42:50,440
A world of special characters.
1014
00:42:50,520 --> 00:42:53,280
-[laughter]
-We didn't even know what they were!
1015
00:42:53,880 --> 00:42:57,680
And businesses would say,
"We need a capital letter,
1016
00:42:57,760 --> 00:43:02,920
we need a number, but we will also
require a special character.
1017
00:43:03,000 --> 00:43:07,440
And we clicked on the button,
"Please, can I have some examples
1018
00:43:07,520 --> 00:43:11,080
of these special characters
which you now insist upon?"
1019
00:43:11,160 --> 00:43:13,320
And we perused them. "There they are.
1020
00:43:13,760 --> 00:43:17,760
I had no idea these characters
were so special."
1021
00:43:18,240 --> 00:43:20,520
Until all of our eyes
1022
00:43:20,600 --> 00:43:23,120
stopped upon...
1023
00:43:23,200 --> 00:43:25,120
the exclamation mark.
1024
00:43:25,200 --> 00:43:26,880
[laughter and applause]
1025
00:43:27,760 --> 00:43:29,120
"You're coming with me."
1026
00:43:29,200 --> 00:43:30,040
[cheering]
1027
00:43:30,120 --> 00:43:34,880
Which we then put at the end
of our now capitalized password,
1028
00:43:34,960 --> 00:43:36,440
just after the one.
1029
00:43:36,520 --> 00:43:37,360
[laughter]
1030
00:43:37,440 --> 00:43:39,120
And it's at this moment
1031
00:43:39,200 --> 00:43:42,960
that everybody at the London Palladium
is thinking,
1032
00:43:43,480 --> 00:43:47,040
"I should probably change my password.
I'm probably gonna do that tomorrow.
1033
00:43:47,120 --> 00:43:48,240
Do that now.
1034
00:43:48,320 --> 00:43:50,760
-[cheering and applause]
-Need to think of another special word.
1035
00:43:51,520 --> 00:43:53,560
Better get that changed."
1036
00:43:53,640 --> 00:43:55,760
[applause continues]
1037
00:43:55,840 --> 00:43:57,040
[Michael laughs]
1038
00:43:57,800 --> 00:43:59,840
But this is it,
this is what's happening, of course,
1039
00:43:59,920 --> 00:44:02,920
in the 20, in the 20s, 2020s,
in the 2020s.
1040
00:44:03,440 --> 00:44:07,840
Technology will only improve.
It's supposed to make our lives easier.
1041
00:44:07,920 --> 00:44:10,720
Sometimes, in my opinion,
a little bit too easy.
1042
00:44:10,800 --> 00:44:11,680
I just got a new car.
1043
00:44:11,760 --> 00:44:14,760
Everything is automated.
I don't do a thing for myself in this car.
1044
00:44:14,840 --> 00:44:16,320
It gets dark, the headlights come on
1045
00:44:16,400 --> 00:44:17,560
[pew] on their own.
1046
00:44:17,640 --> 00:44:21,040
It starts raining, the windscreen wipers
come on on their own.
1047
00:44:21,120 --> 00:44:23,960
But it means that you're physically
doing less in the car,
1048
00:44:24,040 --> 00:44:25,960
and, let's be honest, it all adds up.
1049
00:44:26,040 --> 00:44:28,760
It all adds up if you get lazy
and everything's done for you.
1050
00:44:29,360 --> 00:44:31,680
Like, there are young people here
who use the expression,
1051
00:44:31,760 --> 00:44:32,840
"Can you roll the window up?
1052
00:44:32,920 --> 00:44:34,960
Can you roll the window down?
Mum, roll the window up.
1053
00:44:35,040 --> 00:44:36,280
Roll the window down."
1054
00:44:36,360 --> 00:44:39,600
But their whole lives, they've been
pushing button like this. Pushing button.
1055
00:44:39,680 --> 00:44:41,080
They know nothing...
1056
00:44:41,160 --> 00:44:45,760
of the decades that we spent
physically doing this shit.
1057
00:44:45,840 --> 00:44:46,920
-[laughter]
-Not easy.
1058
00:44:47,000 --> 00:44:50,640
Often it would get stuck.
It was quite... [straining]
1059
00:44:50,720 --> 00:44:52,240
Good for your bicep.
1060
00:44:52,320 --> 00:44:54,680
Don't need to go to the gym,
just roll the window down.
1061
00:44:55,120 --> 00:44:57,840
Sometimes when the window was
all the way down, it would start raining.
1062
00:44:57,920 --> 00:45:00,960
It would be amazing, a super-fast wind-up.
1063
00:45:01,040 --> 00:45:02,840
[laughter]
1064
00:45:03,960 --> 00:45:06,320
The passenger one,
leaning over and doing that.
1065
00:45:06,400 --> 00:45:09,160
You could try them both at the same time
if you were feeling confident.
1066
00:45:09,240 --> 00:45:10,520
Don't go to the gym.
1067
00:45:11,160 --> 00:45:13,760
To move the seat in my new car,
it's all done by buttons.
1068
00:45:13,840 --> 00:45:16,160
There's a button next to the seat,
you move it to go forward.
1069
00:45:16,240 --> 00:45:17,560
You move it to go back. Errr.
1070
00:45:17,640 --> 00:45:19,640
The back rest. Err, err, err-err.
1071
00:45:19,720 --> 00:45:21,480
All pushing buttons.
1072
00:45:21,560 --> 00:45:23,480
That's all you're doing with your fingers.
1073
00:45:23,560 --> 00:45:26,360
Back in the day, of course,
there'd be a lever
1074
00:45:26,440 --> 00:45:27,720
between your legs.
1075
00:45:27,800 --> 00:45:30,200
You'd lift it up and it would shoot you...
1076
00:45:30,280 --> 00:45:31,200
[laughter]
1077
00:45:31,280 --> 00:45:33,880
...along rails
into the backseat of the car.
1078
00:45:33,960 --> 00:45:36,080
"Hello! I'm in the back now!"
1079
00:45:36,160 --> 00:45:40,360
You could see the rails in front of you
like a mini roller coaster in reverse.
1080
00:45:40,880 --> 00:45:43,040
Then you'd have to shag your way...
1081
00:45:43,120 --> 00:45:44,120
[laughter]
1082
00:45:44,200 --> 00:45:47,160
...to your favored driving position.
1083
00:45:47,760 --> 00:45:49,600
Very good for your core.
1084
00:45:49,680 --> 00:45:51,240
[applause]
1085
00:45:51,320 --> 00:45:53,240
Often you would over-shag.
1086
00:45:53,320 --> 00:45:56,440
You would over-shag
all the way, whoa, to the steering wheel,
1087
00:45:56,520 --> 00:45:58,000
then have to back-shag...
1088
00:45:58,080 --> 00:46:00,080
-[laughter]
-...with sensitivity.
1089
00:46:00,520 --> 00:46:02,440
Gentlemen of the '70s
were much better lovers.
1090
00:46:02,920 --> 00:46:06,200
They're always shagging up and down
in the Cortina for practice,
1091
00:46:06,280 --> 00:46:08,920
just to find
their favored driving position.
1092
00:46:10,360 --> 00:46:13,040
So I had a bit of a weird moment
in the car the other day with, um...
1093
00:46:13,120 --> 00:46:14,240
[clears throat] with my wife.
1094
00:46:14,640 --> 00:46:15,560
Now, look...
1095
00:46:16,240 --> 00:46:18,120
My relationship...
1096
00:46:19,080 --> 00:46:20,960
and I don't know
if I speak for all men here,
1097
00:46:21,040 --> 00:46:23,120
I feel like it's a never-ending quest
1098
00:46:23,200 --> 00:46:26,600
with my wife to find out
what I'm supposed to be doing.
1099
00:46:27,040 --> 00:46:30,520
I never quite know exactly
what I'm supposed to be doing.
1100
00:46:31,080 --> 00:46:34,600
So we're driving in the car,
and she's in the passenger seat.
1101
00:46:34,680 --> 00:46:36,000
Very odd, this was.
1102
00:46:37,000 --> 00:46:38,320
I go past a parking space,
1103
00:46:38,400 --> 00:46:40,880
I realize I've gone past it,
and I go, "Oh, I need to reverse."
1104
00:46:40,960 --> 00:46:42,640
So I do a classic move,
we've all seen this,
1105
00:46:42,720 --> 00:46:45,080
I put my arm around her,
sort of, you know, lean up like that.
1106
00:46:45,160 --> 00:46:46,160
You know, just sort of...
1107
00:46:46,240 --> 00:46:48,080
You know. And then reverse, quite fast.
1108
00:46:48,160 --> 00:46:50,000
[imitates sound of car reversing]
1109
00:46:50,080 --> 00:46:52,760
And then wind it into a space, nice.
1110
00:46:52,840 --> 00:46:54,480
Felt pretty good, decent maneuver.
1111
00:46:54,560 --> 00:46:56,320
Didn't think much of it,
didn't make a thing.
1112
00:46:57,240 --> 00:46:59,760
My wife looks at me and she goes, "Ooh.
1113
00:47:00,400 --> 00:47:02,160
"I find that really sexy."
1114
00:47:02,240 --> 00:47:03,080
[laughter]
1115
00:47:03,160 --> 00:47:04,880
I had no idea what she was talking about.
1116
00:47:04,960 --> 00:47:07,480
I'm looking outside the car,
"What? What happened? Did something--
1117
00:47:07,560 --> 00:47:08,640
What are you talking about?"
1118
00:47:08,720 --> 00:47:12,200
She said, "I've always found that
really sexy, when men do that."
1119
00:47:12,280 --> 00:47:14,600
"What men? What men are you talking about?
1120
00:47:14,680 --> 00:47:17,520
Who are these sexy men?
What are you talking about?"
1121
00:47:18,440 --> 00:47:20,120
She said,
"Just when you reverse like that,
1122
00:47:20,200 --> 00:47:23,040
I've always found that really sexy
and you don't normally do that."
1123
00:47:23,120 --> 00:47:26,240
"Do what? What are you...
What are you talking about?"
1124
00:47:26,320 --> 00:47:29,400
"Just when you put your arm around me
and then reverse really fast.
1125
00:47:29,800 --> 00:47:32,200
Ooh, I've always found that really sexy."
1126
00:47:32,280 --> 00:47:33,120
[laughter]
1127
00:47:33,200 --> 00:47:35,520
I'm sorry,
but I've been focusing mainly...
1128
00:47:35,600 --> 00:47:36,440
in the bedroom
1129
00:47:36,880 --> 00:47:40,760
for the last 20 years of our relationship
1130
00:47:41,160 --> 00:47:42,520
to arouse you.
1131
00:47:42,960 --> 00:47:45,960
It would have taken me a billion years
1132
00:47:46,040 --> 00:47:48,960
before I attempted maneuvers in the car...
1133
00:47:49,040 --> 00:47:50,960
-[laughter]
-...as part of foreplay.
1134
00:47:51,960 --> 00:47:53,280
"What's the plan for date night?
1135
00:47:53,360 --> 00:47:56,680
Shall we just drive around in reverse
and you tell me when you're up for it?"
1136
00:47:56,760 --> 00:47:59,480
I'm happy to do that now,
seeing as we're here.
1137
00:48:00,800 --> 00:48:04,480
She said, "Michael,
I can't help what I find sexy."
1138
00:48:04,960 --> 00:48:08,000
I said, "Well, is there anything else
really weird
1139
00:48:08,080 --> 00:48:10,320
that you find sexy
that I should know about?"
1140
00:48:10,400 --> 00:48:12,560
She said, "Let me have a think."
I said, "Please do."
1141
00:48:12,640 --> 00:48:15,360
She said, "Oh, there is one thing
that men do."
1142
00:48:15,440 --> 00:48:18,920
"Sorry, who are the men
which you speak of?"
1143
00:48:19,000 --> 00:48:20,200
[laughter]
1144
00:48:20,280 --> 00:48:22,920
"It's just that you don't do it, Michael."
"Do what?"
1145
00:48:23,520 --> 00:48:25,640
She said, "You know when men
take their sweater off,
1146
00:48:25,720 --> 00:48:27,960
take their jumper off,
and just reach behind their back,
1147
00:48:28,440 --> 00:48:29,800
and then... [whoosh]
1148
00:48:29,880 --> 00:48:32,400
just take it off in one go." She said,
1149
00:48:32,480 --> 00:48:34,400
"Oh. Ohh."
1150
00:48:34,480 --> 00:48:35,840
She starts moaning.
1151
00:48:35,920 --> 00:48:37,680
-"Ohh.
-[laughter]
1152
00:48:37,760 --> 00:48:40,560
I find that really sexy."
1153
00:48:40,640 --> 00:48:41,600
[laughter]
1154
00:48:41,680 --> 00:48:44,560
-"I'm sorry, what are you talking about?"
-[laughter]
1155
00:48:45,040 --> 00:48:47,320
"They just reach behind their back,
and then [whoosh]
1156
00:48:47,400 --> 00:48:49,000
just take their jumper off."
1157
00:48:51,440 --> 00:48:54,720
-"You don't find my way sexy?
-[laughter]
1158
00:48:54,800 --> 00:48:56,720
When I get the sleeves and I...
1159
00:48:56,800 --> 00:48:57,880
[laughter]
1160
00:48:57,960 --> 00:49:02,800
...slowly and expertly work my way up...
1161
00:49:02,880 --> 00:49:04,880
[laughter]
1162
00:49:08,800 --> 00:49:10,640
[cheering and applause]
1163
00:49:14,640 --> 00:49:16,480
And then you have to pull it off."
1164
00:49:16,560 --> 00:49:18,680
[whistling and applause]
1165
00:49:18,760 --> 00:49:21,200
She said, "As a matter of fact,
I do not...
1166
00:49:21,280 --> 00:49:23,360
-[laughter]
-[laughing] find that sexy."
1167
00:49:23,800 --> 00:49:26,760
So I thought, "Fine,
I'm gonna put this to the test."
1168
00:49:27,680 --> 00:49:29,360
Banked it, yeah?
1169
00:49:29,440 --> 00:49:31,400
Few weeks later, date night.
1170
00:49:31,480 --> 00:49:34,280
Went out, good night,
few drinks, nice meal.
1171
00:49:35,280 --> 00:49:38,320
Came home, kids are asleep,
happened to be in a sweater.
1172
00:49:38,760 --> 00:49:40,840
Thought, "I'm gonna bloody go for it."
1173
00:49:40,920 --> 00:49:42,680
I didn't realize it would be difficult.
1174
00:49:42,760 --> 00:49:45,640
I didn't realize
I had to practice this move.
1175
00:49:45,720 --> 00:49:48,640
Nor did I realize
it was one of the tighter necklines
1176
00:49:48,720 --> 00:49:50,200
in my wardrobe.
1177
00:49:50,880 --> 00:49:53,640
So I just reached behind my back
and I just went for it, I pulled
1178
00:49:53,720 --> 00:49:54,800
as hard as I could,
1179
00:49:54,880 --> 00:49:57,640
-and my head got stuck in the ring.
-[laughter]
1180
00:49:57,720 --> 00:50:00,080
It was like I was being born very slowly.
1181
00:50:00,160 --> 00:50:03,080
-[laughter]
-A definite forceps delivery.
1182
00:50:03,160 --> 00:50:05,720
Also, and I was w--
I was upset about this,
1183
00:50:05,800 --> 00:50:08,800
my shirt came up with the jumper,
1184
00:50:09,200 --> 00:50:12,440
so my tummy was just wobbling around
in the open.
1185
00:50:12,960 --> 00:50:15,440
And this was after dinner.
[imitates wobbling]
1186
00:50:15,520 --> 00:50:18,360
"Don't fill up on bread, Michael."
"But it's hot, it's warm."
1187
00:50:18,440 --> 00:50:19,760
[imitates wobbling]
1188
00:50:20,240 --> 00:50:24,400
"Are you gonna finish those potatoes?
They're so yummy, shame to go to waste."
1189
00:50:24,480 --> 00:50:26,120
[imitates wobbling]
1190
00:50:26,200 --> 00:50:29,000
"Shall we share a dessert?"
"Fuck that, I'll have my own."
1191
00:50:29,080 --> 00:50:31,000
-[imitates wobbling]
-[laughter]
1192
00:50:31,080 --> 00:50:32,920
"Petit fours? Don't mind if I do!"
1193
00:50:33,000 --> 00:50:34,480
-[imitates wobbling]
-[laughter]
1194
00:50:34,560 --> 00:50:36,920
And I was pulling it so hard
1195
00:50:37,000 --> 00:50:38,240
to keep it sexy.
1196
00:50:38,320 --> 00:50:41,760
It took a while,
and I finally popped out the top.
1197
00:50:41,840 --> 00:50:43,600
[laughter]
1198
00:50:46,200 --> 00:50:47,960
She wasn't there, she'd fucked off.
1199
00:50:48,040 --> 00:50:49,320
[laughter]
1200
00:50:49,400 --> 00:50:50,600
[applause]
1201
00:50:50,680 --> 00:50:51,640
"Babe?
1202
00:50:52,320 --> 00:50:54,360
I did the sexy jumper thing.
1203
00:50:55,000 --> 00:50:56,400
You missed it!
1204
00:50:57,320 --> 00:50:59,920
I thought we could
drive around in reverse for a bit
1205
00:51:00,000 --> 00:51:01,800
-and then maybe go to bed?"
-[laughter]
1206
00:51:06,520 --> 00:51:07,400
So here,
1207
00:51:08,000 --> 00:51:09,840
-ladies and gentlemen...
-[laughter]
1208
00:51:10,400 --> 00:51:12,280
...is a bit of an overshare.
1209
00:51:13,200 --> 00:51:14,080
Hashtag...
1210
00:51:14,960 --> 00:51:16,080
"Too much information."
1211
00:51:16,160 --> 00:51:17,600
[laughter]
1212
00:51:17,680 --> 00:51:21,600
I said to her after all this stuff,
I said, "Babe... Babe... Babe...
1213
00:51:21,680 --> 00:51:24,360
I'm tired of this trial and error
approach.
1214
00:51:24,760 --> 00:51:26,880
Why don't-- We should just communicate.
1215
00:51:26,960 --> 00:51:29,280
Why don't you just tell me,
after all these...
1216
00:51:29,360 --> 00:51:31,520
Let's just talk about it, just tell me,
1217
00:51:31,600 --> 00:51:34,160
what really turns you on.
1218
00:51:34,640 --> 00:51:36,800
She went, "What, really?"
1219
00:51:36,880 --> 00:51:38,080
I was like, "Ooh."
1220
00:51:38,160 --> 00:51:41,160
"Whatever that is, I wanna know!"
1221
00:51:41,240 --> 00:51:42,560
[laughter]
1222
00:51:42,640 --> 00:51:44,600
"What really turns you on?"
1223
00:51:44,680 --> 00:51:46,840
She went, "For real?" "Yes."
1224
00:51:46,920 --> 00:51:48,320
"You really wanna know?" "Yes.
1225
00:51:48,400 --> 00:51:50,520
"Seriously?" "Yes, just tell me."
1226
00:51:51,120 --> 00:51:53,320
"For real?" "Yes." She went...
1227
00:51:53,760 --> 00:51:54,720
"Black men."
1228
00:51:54,800 --> 00:51:57,000
[laughter]
1229
00:51:57,080 --> 00:51:58,680
[laughter and applause]
1230
00:52:02,440 --> 00:52:04,280
-[applause continues]
-[whistling]
1231
00:52:08,440 --> 00:52:12,520
"How exactly am I supposed to work that
into our anniversary, darling?"
1232
00:52:12,600 --> 00:52:14,080
[laughter]
1233
00:52:16,040 --> 00:52:18,120
Despite this, things are going well.
1234
00:52:18,200 --> 00:52:19,400
Um... [chuckles]
1235
00:52:19,480 --> 00:52:21,960
Still together. [chuckles]
Kids are growing up.
1236
00:52:22,040 --> 00:52:23,240
Um... [smacks lips]
1237
00:52:23,320 --> 00:52:25,960
Ozzy, my youngest, he's, uh...
he's still a kid, really.
1238
00:52:26,040 --> 00:52:29,320
I mean, my...
Lucas is 14 now, Ozzy's like 11.
1239
00:52:29,400 --> 00:52:30,840
So he's still a little boy.
1240
00:52:30,920 --> 00:52:32,920
And he's...
he's a very bright, amazing boy.
1241
00:52:33,000 --> 00:52:35,120
He needs to get off,
he needs to get of the Xbox.
1242
00:52:35,200 --> 00:52:36,760
He has to get off the Xbox.
1243
00:52:36,840 --> 00:52:39,960
Completely bloody addicted
to playing his bloody Xbox.
1244
00:52:40,040 --> 00:52:42,040
And I come in there all the time,
"Come on, off.
1245
00:52:42,120 --> 00:52:43,760
I said five minutes, it's been 45 minutes.
1246
00:52:43,840 --> 00:52:45,680
You were lucky
to get away with that. Off."
1247
00:52:45,760 --> 00:52:48,880
He's like, "I'm coming in a minute, Dad.
I'll be there in a..." [chuckles] Sorry.
1248
00:52:48,960 --> 00:52:51,880
That's not his voice,
I don't know who that was!
1249
00:52:51,960 --> 00:52:53,360
[laughter]
1250
00:52:53,440 --> 00:52:55,840
He is far more middle class than that,
let me tell you!
1251
00:52:55,920 --> 00:52:57,240
[laughs]
1252
00:52:57,320 --> 00:52:59,080
"I'll be there momentarily, Papa.
1253
00:52:59,160 --> 00:53:02,360
Just give me a few more minutes
and I'll... I'll be wrapping up shortly.
1254
00:53:02,440 --> 00:53:03,720
-[applause]
-Post-haste."
1255
00:53:04,520 --> 00:53:06,560
I don't know who that first kid was!
1256
00:53:07,280 --> 00:53:10,160
"'Ello, mate, I'm your son.
Does that come as a surprise?"
1257
00:53:10,240 --> 00:53:11,400
[laughter]
1258
00:53:11,480 --> 00:53:13,720
"I've been meaning to ask you, Dad,
[chuckles]
1259
00:53:13,800 --> 00:53:16,440
-how come I'm from the East End...
-[laughter]
1260
00:53:16,520 --> 00:53:17,960
...and you're Chinese?
1261
00:53:18,040 --> 00:53:19,920
I can't get my head around this.
1262
00:53:20,000 --> 00:53:23,200
-What kind of a family am I living in?
-[cheering and applause]
1263
00:53:24,080 --> 00:53:25,640
What kind of a family?
1264
00:53:26,840 --> 00:53:28,960
And I've just seen Mom
reversing down the road
1265
00:53:29,040 --> 00:53:30,520
with a black geezer. What's happening?
1266
00:53:30,600 --> 00:53:31,520
[laughter]
1267
00:53:31,600 --> 00:53:33,160
[applause]
1268
00:53:33,240 --> 00:53:36,960
I saw a sweater flung out the window.
She looked happy.
1269
00:53:37,040 --> 00:53:39,360
Happier than in a while, I gotta tell.
Big grin on her face."
1270
00:53:39,440 --> 00:53:40,680
[laughter]
1271
00:53:40,760 --> 00:53:42,280
Don't know who that is, sorry.
1272
00:53:43,120 --> 00:53:45,640
So he's always, "I'll get off
in a minute." Always "in a minute."
1273
00:53:45,720 --> 00:53:48,840
I don't think he knows what "in a minute"
means. It's one word, "inaminute".
1274
00:53:49,520 --> 00:53:51,840
"You'll come off now, all right?
Dinner's on the table."
1275
00:53:51,920 --> 00:53:54,760
"I'm coming, I can't...
In a minute, it's a really important game.
1276
00:53:54,840 --> 00:53:56,880
He plays this shooting game,
this Fortnite rubbish.
1277
00:53:56,960 --> 00:53:58,840
"It's a really important game, all right?"
1278
00:53:58,920 --> 00:54:01,600
"Pause it, then."
"I can't pause it, Dad. It won't pause.
1279
00:54:01,680 --> 00:54:03,200
You can't pause it. I can't..."
1280
00:54:03,280 --> 00:54:04,760
"You can pause it!
1281
00:54:04,840 --> 00:54:06,840
I'm putting my foot down!
You need to pause it."
1282
00:54:06,920 --> 00:54:10,080
"I can't pause it.
I'd-- I'd have to kill myself."
1283
00:54:10,520 --> 00:54:13,600
-[laughter]
-"Darling, it's not that serious."
1284
00:54:13,680 --> 00:54:15,160
-[laughter]
-"No, I mean on the game.
1285
00:54:15,240 --> 00:54:16,680
I'd have to kill myself on the game."
1286
00:54:16,760 --> 00:54:19,000
"Then kill yourself, I don't care!"
1287
00:54:19,080 --> 00:54:20,320
[laughter]
1288
00:54:20,400 --> 00:54:23,400
This is what happens now every night
in my house. I call up the stairs, "Ozzy!
1289
00:54:23,920 --> 00:54:25,560
Kill yourself, it's dinner!
1290
00:54:25,640 --> 00:54:26,480
[laughter]
1291
00:54:26,560 --> 00:54:30,160
Get your friend to shoot you!
It's Bolognese, getting cold."
1292
00:54:33,160 --> 00:54:35,200
Truth is, he doesn't respect me.
1293
00:54:35,280 --> 00:54:37,840
I have no control over him whatsoever.
He runs rings around me.
1294
00:54:37,920 --> 00:54:40,000
He only listens to his mother.
He laughs in my face.
1295
00:54:40,080 --> 00:54:42,600
Every time I raise my voice...
The other day I was like, "Come on,
1296
00:54:42,680 --> 00:54:44,720
it's bedtime now.
Have you brushed your teeth?"
1297
00:54:44,800 --> 00:54:47,880
He was like, "Dad, Dad,
there's no need to shout.
1298
00:54:47,960 --> 00:54:51,240
I'm standing right here. I can hear you.
1299
00:54:51,320 --> 00:54:52,560
Calm down."
1300
00:54:53,080 --> 00:54:56,000
He said to me, "Are you tired
or something? Are you tired?"
1301
00:54:56,080 --> 00:54:57,120
[laughter]
1302
00:54:57,200 --> 00:54:59,640
"I suppose a little bit,
I am a little bit tired."
1303
00:54:59,720 --> 00:55:01,640
-[laughter]
-The other day he said to me,
1304
00:55:02,040 --> 00:55:03,640
"Is your blood sugar level low?
1305
00:55:03,720 --> 00:55:05,600
-Do you need a snack?"
-[laughter]
1306
00:55:05,680 --> 00:55:07,600
"Yeah, I suppose.
I mean, I am a bit hungry."
1307
00:55:07,680 --> 00:55:08,520
[laughter]
1308
00:55:09,880 --> 00:55:12,120
He sent me to my room to lie down.
[mumbling]
1309
00:55:12,520 --> 00:55:14,520
[laughter]
1310
00:55:16,480 --> 00:55:18,720
The big news in our house is, uh...
1311
00:55:18,800 --> 00:55:20,560
Well, we've got... we've got a dog.
1312
00:55:20,640 --> 00:55:21,880
We've never had a dog before.
1313
00:55:21,960 --> 00:55:23,160
There's dog fans!
1314
00:55:23,240 --> 00:55:25,160
-[chuckles] Got a little fluffy...
-[cheering]
1315
00:55:25,240 --> 00:55:26,920
Got a little fluffy dog.
1316
00:55:27,000 --> 00:55:29,080
Little fluffy, lovely little fluffy dog.
1317
00:55:29,160 --> 00:55:30,440
Mr. McFluffintyre.
1318
00:55:30,520 --> 00:55:31,800
-He's a very nice...
-[laughter]
1319
00:55:31,880 --> 00:55:33,680
[laughing] fluffy,
1320
00:55:33,760 --> 00:55:35,120
fluffy dog. He's very loving.
1321
00:55:35,200 --> 00:55:37,960
You know why he's loving?
Because that's his nature.
1322
00:55:38,040 --> 00:55:40,320
Different breeds of dogs
have different natures. I went to--
1323
00:55:40,400 --> 00:55:43,440
It was like buying a car.
I went on this website, www. something...
1324
00:55:43,520 --> 00:55:44,400
-[laughter]
-[laughs]
1325
00:55:44,480 --> 00:55:46,560
www.whatkindofdog.com.
1326
00:55:47,000 --> 00:55:48,000
Uh...
1327
00:55:48,080 --> 00:55:50,560
It tells you about the different breeds,
all the characteristics,
1328
00:55:50,640 --> 00:55:53,360
and how much you need to walk them,
and how much exercise they need,
1329
00:55:53,440 --> 00:55:55,840
how much you feed them,
whether they molt and all this stuff.
1330
00:55:56,280 --> 00:55:58,560
And there was a category for love,
how loving are they?
1331
00:55:58,640 --> 00:56:00,120
How much do they love people?
1332
00:56:00,200 --> 00:56:02,160
And it was all rated out of five stars,
1333
00:56:02,240 --> 00:56:05,640
and I was only considering dogs
that got five stars for love.
1334
00:56:05,720 --> 00:56:08,200
Why would you bring an animal
into your home
1335
00:56:08,280 --> 00:56:11,120
-if it doesn't love you the fullest?
-[laughter]
1336
00:56:11,200 --> 00:56:14,000
And five-star love dogs,
there's, you know, golden retrievers,
1337
00:56:14,080 --> 00:56:17,160
Labradors, and my dog,
the little fluffy Norfolk terrier.
1338
00:56:17,240 --> 00:56:18,480
He's a five-star love dog.
1339
00:56:18,560 --> 00:56:21,440
And you can see it in his eyes
when he looks at me, it's unbelievable.
1340
00:56:21,520 --> 00:56:24,840
He's like, "I love you so much."
1341
00:56:24,920 --> 00:56:27,080
-[laughter]
-I'm gonna give him a Norfolk accent.
1342
00:56:27,160 --> 00:56:28,440
He's a Norfolk terrier.
1343
00:56:28,520 --> 00:56:30,240
I don't know how he speaks,
1344
00:56:30,320 --> 00:56:32,200
but I assume if he did, he would.
1345
00:56:32,280 --> 00:56:35,720
[Norfolk accent] "I love you so much.
Thank you so much for being my master.
1346
00:56:35,800 --> 00:56:38,360
Thank you so much
for letting me live in your house.
1347
00:56:38,440 --> 00:56:41,680
I love what you've done with the place,
it's magnificent. Absolutely beautiful.
1348
00:56:41,760 --> 00:56:44,560
You could be an interior designer
if you put your mind to it.
1349
00:56:44,640 --> 00:56:46,840
I think you could do anything
if you put your mind to it.
1350
00:56:46,920 --> 00:56:49,800
When I look at you, I feel the same way
as an Asian woman does
1351
00:56:49,880 --> 00:56:50,760
when she looks at you.
1352
00:56:50,840 --> 00:56:53,640
I'm absolutely obsessed with you.
I think you're amazing.
1353
00:56:53,720 --> 00:56:57,160
I love the way, when you reach up high,
your jacket squeezes up like boobs.
1354
00:56:57,240 --> 00:57:00,560
I love it when I hear you getting up
in the night and I listen for you peeing.
1355
00:57:00,640 --> 00:57:03,120
-'He's up again!' What a character!
-[laughter]
1356
00:57:03,200 --> 00:57:05,920
I love it when you come out the bath
and you've got two red feet,
1357
00:57:06,000 --> 00:57:07,640
one red arm and a couple of red balls.
1358
00:57:07,720 --> 00:57:08,800
I just love it.
1359
00:57:08,880 --> 00:57:09,800
[laughter]
1360
00:57:09,880 --> 00:57:11,160
I miss you when you're away.
1361
00:57:11,240 --> 00:57:14,280
I get worried about you getting bitten
by sharks in Australia.
1362
00:57:14,360 --> 00:57:17,360
I worry about you slipping
on that big dick on the sex floor.
1363
00:57:17,440 --> 00:57:18,400
[laughter]
1364
00:57:18,480 --> 00:57:19,600
I know you're not a robot.
1365
00:57:19,680 --> 00:57:22,840
You're one of the most genuine people
I've ever known in my entire life.
1366
00:57:22,920 --> 00:57:25,280
I love you. I'm obsessed.
You know when you go out the house?
1367
00:57:25,720 --> 00:57:28,800
I... I know it's irrational,
but I worry that you might be dead.
1368
00:57:28,880 --> 00:57:31,600
I get it in my head that he's only
gone and died, my master,
1369
00:57:31,680 --> 00:57:33,840
the true love of my life's
gone and died on me.
1370
00:57:33,920 --> 00:57:35,080
And then when you come home,
1371
00:57:35,160 --> 00:57:37,080
I'm the happiest dog
in the whole wide world
1372
00:57:37,160 --> 00:57:39,880
'cause I'm a five-star love dog!"
1373
00:57:39,960 --> 00:57:42,160
-[cheering and applause]
-[normal voice] That's my dog.
1374
00:57:42,760 --> 00:57:44,320
Five stars.
1375
00:57:44,920 --> 00:57:47,320
Very loving.
1376
00:57:48,640 --> 00:57:53,640
I went on the website to see dogs
that don't get five stars for love.
1377
00:57:53,720 --> 00:57:54,800
One star,
1378
00:57:54,880 --> 00:57:56,520
the chihuahua.
1379
00:57:56,600 --> 00:57:58,080
[laughter]
1380
00:57:58,160 --> 00:58:00,640
Those little Mexican dogs
with the googly eyes,
1381
00:58:00,720 --> 00:58:02,200
they don't like people.
1382
00:58:02,280 --> 00:58:03,120
[laughter]
1383
00:58:03,200 --> 00:58:05,000
'Cause you run
into different breeds of dogs,
1384
00:58:05,080 --> 00:58:06,880
because you take the dog,
dog owners know this,
1385
00:58:06,960 --> 00:58:09,960
you take them to the park
and they want to sniff around and stuff,
1386
00:58:10,040 --> 00:58:11,240
they want to meet other dogs.
1387
00:58:11,320 --> 00:58:13,520
And they see them.
It's amazing when they spot each other.
1388
00:58:13,600 --> 00:58:15,200
And basically, what they want to do,
1389
00:58:15,280 --> 00:58:16,480
well, what my dog wants to do,
1390
00:58:16,560 --> 00:58:19,200
is have a little, very brief encounter
with the other dog
1391
00:58:19,280 --> 00:58:22,680
which involves smelling each other's balls
and then carrying on.
1392
00:58:22,760 --> 00:58:24,120
It's very odd. He goes up to a dog,
1393
00:58:24,200 --> 00:58:26,680
"Excuse me, mate,
is it all right if I smell your balls?"
1394
00:58:26,760 --> 00:58:30,080
Then the other dog goes, "Yeah, whatever,"
and then they... [sniffing]
1395
00:58:30,160 --> 00:58:31,720
And then he's, "Have a go on mine."
1396
00:58:31,800 --> 00:58:34,440
And then they go, "Thanks for that,"
and then they just carry on.
1397
00:58:34,520 --> 00:58:35,520
[laughter]
1398
00:58:35,600 --> 00:58:37,200
And they spot each other from miles away.
1399
00:58:38,600 --> 00:58:39,720
[laughter]
1400
00:58:39,800 --> 00:58:41,400
And the other dog looks at him.
1401
00:58:41,480 --> 00:58:43,000
And then, sometimes, dogs are mean.
1402
00:58:43,080 --> 00:58:45,080
They don't want to smell,
'cause he's a little puppy.
1403
00:58:45,160 --> 00:58:48,080
Some German shepherd
will be coming along like this,
1404
00:58:48,160 --> 00:58:51,600
[German accent] "I'm the German shepherd.
I'm the German shepherd."
1405
00:58:51,680 --> 00:58:54,800
[normal voice] My dog goes, "Is it alright
if I have a quick sniff on the balls?"
1406
00:58:54,880 --> 00:58:57,440
[German accent]
"Absolutely not, you silly little puppy.
1407
00:58:57,520 --> 00:58:58,800
Look at the size of you.
1408
00:58:58,880 --> 00:59:02,040
You couldn't even get up
to my magnificent balls if you tried!
1409
00:59:02,120 --> 00:59:03,000
[laughter]
1410
00:59:03,080 --> 00:59:06,000
You think I'm going to stoop
to your mini balls?
1411
00:59:06,080 --> 00:59:09,600
Disgusting! Stay away from my balls!"
1412
00:59:09,680 --> 00:59:11,480
[laughter]
1413
00:59:11,560 --> 00:59:13,600
[normal voice]
Get a French poodle come along.
1414
00:59:15,200 --> 00:59:16,800
[French accent] "I'm the French poodle."
1415
00:59:16,880 --> 00:59:17,840
[laughter]
1416
00:59:17,920 --> 00:59:20,920
[normal voice] My dog comes. "Excuse me,
I was wondering if I could get a...
1417
00:59:21,000 --> 00:59:23,760
I just got quite badly treated
by a German shepherd.
1418
00:59:23,840 --> 00:59:26,120
I was wondering if I could get
a quick sniff on your balls?"
1419
00:59:26,200 --> 00:59:29,160
[French accent] "Before Brexit, it would
have been fine, but I'm not happy.
1420
00:59:29,240 --> 00:59:30,080
[laughter]
1421
00:59:30,160 --> 00:59:34,080
I don't think you made the right decision,
no. You have not made the right decision.
1422
00:59:34,440 --> 00:59:35,880
-You know?
-[applause]
1423
00:59:35,960 --> 00:59:37,640
Maybe before, but now I don't like it.
1424
00:59:37,720 --> 00:59:39,720
The way you vote
is very rude to the French people.
1425
00:59:39,800 --> 00:59:41,600
You're not part of this anymore, you know?
1426
00:59:41,680 --> 00:59:42,960
You want free movement of people?
1427
00:59:43,040 --> 00:59:45,960
Well, you don't get free movement
of your nose to my balls, not anymore.
1428
00:59:46,040 --> 00:59:47,400
[laughter]
1429
00:59:47,480 --> 00:59:48,680
Get away from the balls."
1430
00:59:48,760 --> 00:59:49,600
[laughter]
1431
00:59:49,680 --> 00:59:51,520
[normal voice] Afghan hound coming over.
1432
00:59:51,600 --> 00:59:55,160
[Afghan accent] "Please, don't touch my...
In normal circumstances I would,
1433
00:59:55,240 --> 00:59:57,000
but things very difficult in my country.
1434
00:59:57,080 --> 00:59:58,160
I have to go home.
1435
00:59:58,240 --> 01:00:01,200
Very many unrest in my region.
I must go watch CNN.
1436
01:00:01,280 --> 01:00:03,160
Please, balls are not available
right now."
1437
01:00:03,240 --> 01:00:04,080
[laughter]
1438
01:00:04,160 --> 01:00:06,120
[normal voice] Once in a while
you get lovely dogs,
1439
01:00:06,200 --> 01:00:08,120
like a little Scottish terrier
comes along.
1440
01:00:08,200 --> 01:00:11,920
[Scottish accent] "Ooh, hello!
Ah, fucking feast on those, pal!
1441
01:00:12,000 --> 01:00:13,120
[laughter]
1442
01:00:13,200 --> 01:00:14,760
Get your face right in!
1443
01:00:14,840 --> 01:00:17,480
Go on, I'm in no rush whatsoever!
1444
01:00:17,920 --> 01:00:20,840
I'll have a go on yours in a minute.
Just enjoy!
1445
01:00:20,920 --> 01:00:23,400
Get right the fuck in there, pal!"
1446
01:00:23,480 --> 01:00:24,880
[laughter]
1447
01:00:28,120 --> 01:00:29,360
[normal voice] But chihuahuas?
1448
01:00:29,440 --> 01:00:32,320
Oh, every time...
Every time you see a chihuahua,
1449
01:00:32,400 --> 01:00:35,640
the owner's like, "Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Careful!
1450
01:00:36,120 --> 01:00:37,640
He's a bit nippy."
1451
01:00:37,720 --> 01:00:38,840
[laughter]
1452
01:00:38,920 --> 01:00:41,080
And you can see it in his eyes.
I'd be like,
1453
01:00:41,160 --> 01:00:42,760
"Of course-- of course he's a bit nippy,
1454
01:00:42,840 --> 01:00:44,760
he's a one-star love dog.
1455
01:00:44,840 --> 01:00:45,880
Do your research."
1456
01:00:45,960 --> 01:00:48,120
See him going, [Mexican accent]
"I'm a one-star love dog,
1457
01:00:48,200 --> 01:00:50,080
I don't know why she bought me.
I don't like her.
1458
01:00:50,160 --> 01:00:53,640
-I don't like other people.
-[laughter]
1459
01:00:53,720 --> 01:00:57,240
Why she not do her research
on the internet?
1460
01:00:57,320 --> 01:00:58,160
[laughter]
1461
01:00:58,240 --> 01:01:00,560
When she tries to come close to me,
I try to bite her,
1462
01:01:00,640 --> 01:01:02,440
'cause I don't like her face,
1463
01:01:02,520 --> 01:01:05,800
I don't like her children, her husband.
1464
01:01:05,880 --> 01:01:07,240
-[biting]
-[laughter]
1465
01:01:08,320 --> 01:01:11,120
You know when she goes out of the house,
1466
01:01:11,200 --> 01:01:12,600
I hope she's dead.
1467
01:01:12,680 --> 01:01:15,080
I do, I pray for her death.
1468
01:01:15,160 --> 01:01:16,000
[laughter]
1469
01:01:16,080 --> 01:01:19,680
And get me out of your handbag,
you fucking witch!"
1470
01:01:19,760 --> 01:01:20,880
[laughter]
1471
01:01:20,960 --> 01:01:21,920
One star.
1472
01:01:22,200 --> 01:01:24,680
Ladies and gentlemen,
thank you so much for coming out
1473
01:01:24,760 --> 01:01:28,080
and sharing this super fun night with me!
1474
01:01:28,560 --> 01:01:30,480
Thank you very much! Goodnight! Bravo!
1475
01:01:30,560 --> 01:01:32,840
[cheering and applause]
1476
01:01:32,920 --> 01:01:35,360
Yay! Nice people!
1477
01:01:36,040 --> 01:01:37,120
Thank you!
1478
01:01:37,200 --> 01:01:38,600
Thank you at the top!
1479
01:01:38,680 --> 01:01:40,720
Thank you, lovely people!
1480
01:01:40,800 --> 01:01:42,480
[cheering and applause continues]
1481
01:01:45,080 --> 01:01:47,840
Thank you! Thank you all!
Goodnight! Bravo!
1482
01:01:49,600 --> 01:01:50,960
[Michael chuckles]
1483
01:01:51,040 --> 01:01:51,880
Woo-hoo!
1484
01:01:56,600 --> 01:01:58,640
[cheering and applause continues]