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Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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[crowd cheering, applauding]
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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[whistling]
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-[whooping]
-How you doing?
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No shit.
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Thank you, thank you.
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How you guys doing? All right.
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Thank you very much.
It's great to be in Austin, Texas.
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-Um...
-[crowd cheers]
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Yeah.
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When I do the road,
I leave a wife and two small kids,
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and, uh, she's...
she's pretty attached, you know.
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-Um...
-[crowd laughing]
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She cries when I leave.
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[laughs] Like...
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[crowd laughing]
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...all the time.
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Yeah, she does.
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I leave, and she's like... [tearfully]
"It's gonna be hard when you're gone."
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And then I have to do, like,
an acting exercise, and I'm like...
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[tearfully] "It's gonna be hard
for me, too." You know?
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It's not hard. [laughs]
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It's fun.
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I just did it backstage on the phone,
like five minutes ago.
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She's like...
[tearfully] "I'm all alone at the house."
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And I was like... [tearfully]
"I'm all alone out here." You know?
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No, I'm not.
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Yeah.
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She's great. She's great. I love her.
I love the kids more, but I do love her.
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Well, it's a different love, you know?
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Like, I don't want to fuck the kids.
So there's a start.
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"That's good, Tom." So...
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It is beyond your capacity to explain
how much you end up loving your kids.
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It is.
And, like, now I'm on that side of it,
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so I get to be amused
by people who don't have kids
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who swear that they get it.
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That's my favorite.
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Like, to hang out with a friend
who doesn't have any kids, and he's like,
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"Yeah, man, I see that you love your kids.
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I totally know what you're feeling
because...
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I love my dog."
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And I'm like, "Yeah."
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No.
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I'm not diminishing pet love.
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Pet love is real.
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-[woman] Yes!
-Absolutely.
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I've had pets my entire life.
It's the best.
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I've rescued animals.
I encourage you to do it.
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I have a dog that I adore.
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But here is the difference
between my love for that dog and my kids.
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If that dog were to hurt one of my kids,
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immediately and without question...
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I would drown that dog, right?
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And I mean, through yelps like...
[yelping]
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I'd go... [grunts] Like that.
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And then I would give it to my son.
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I'd be like, "Remember when that hurt you?
I killed it."
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He'd be like, "What the fuck...
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am I supposed to do with this dead dog?"
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And I'd go, "I don't know.
Maybe learn to stand up for yourself
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so I don't have to do shit like that,
all right?"
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I know.
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It's a very divisive joke. It has been...
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the entire tour. Um...
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I think it sets up the audience
into two camps, you know?
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People who are like, "Don't do the yelp."
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[yelps]
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"It makes it real."
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Then other people who are like,
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"Do the yelp.
That's my favorite shit, man." And...
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you know who you are.
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Yeah.
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Dude, having kids makes you do crazy shit.
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I'm not even proud of some
of the things I've done, all right?
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Last year was the first time
I ever had somebody bully one of my kids.
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I didn't respond well.
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This is what...
I took my older son to a park.
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He was two and a half.
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The cutest little fucking kid.
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And he walks into the park,
and he walks up to a playground set.
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And, as he walks up to it, he steps on it,
and an older kid...
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Meaning four.
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He goes,
"You can't play with that. That's mine."
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And I go,
"I'll kick your chest through your back."
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And he goes, "What?"
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And I go, "I'll stomp you out right now!"
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So he's crying. I'm laughing.
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Everybody's gathered around, right?
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You can't do that.
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You can't do anything to a shitty kid.
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You can curse a lot around them.
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Not to them.
That's an important distinction.
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Around them,
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and then you fantasize
about them repeating it at home
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and getting in trouble,
and that's very satisfying, all right?
97
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But, you know, you gotta put rhythm to it,
or they won't remember,
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'cause they're just dumb fucking kids.
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So you've got to be like,
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♪ Shit, piss, motherfucker
Cunt, my balls ♪
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♪ Lick my dick, eat my ass ♪
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And the kid'll be like...
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"What's that?"
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I'd be like, "Go tell your mom.
That's what that is."
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As they walk by,
you can get in one accidental hit.
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I've tried it, but it's got to...
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As they're passing, you know.
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Like that, and then they'll be like...
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[tearfully] ♪ Shit, piss
Motherfucker, cunt, my... ♪
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You ever meet somebody,
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and they're so boring,
you feel like they poisoned you? Like...
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you're talking to them, and you're like,
"I feel like I'm dying right now.
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And I think you did it."
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This guy's name is Craig.
I met him... [laughs]
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I made sure to get it.
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I was like, "I'm gonna remember you
for the rest of my life, man."
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He-- I met him at the bank.
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Is he a bank teller?
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No.
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Is he a security guard?
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Nope.
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What's his job?
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I don't know. Whatever they call that guy
that stands in the lobby...
124
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of banks now. Where you walk in,
and you're like, "Do you work here?"
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And he's like, "I think so." That guy.
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The lobby liaison.
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Well, I saw him. We made eye contact.
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I don't know how you work.
For me, if we make eye contact...
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During the day. Not at night.
130
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But during the day...
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[laughs]
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...out of human decency,
I acknowledge you.
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So that's what I did.
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We made eye contact, and I go,
"How you doing?" And he went...
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And I was like, "Okay, so..."
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Then I get to the second set of doors
to walk in.
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And, as I reach for that door,
I hear, uh, "You going to the bank?"
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I go, "Is this still a bank?"
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He goes, "Yeah."
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I go, "I'd like to."
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And he goes, "Go for it."
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And I was like...
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"Okay.
144
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Thanks."
145
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And then I reach back...
146
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and he goes,
"I'm going to Virginia next week."
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"Are you telling me that?"
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He goes, "You said, 'How you doing?'
when you got here.
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I had to think about it.
150
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That's what I'm doing."
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I go, "That's the craziest shit
I've ever heard anybody say.
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And also not how that question works,
but all right."
153
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And now I reach back, and now he goes,
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"Yeah, my sister lives there,"
and I'm like...
155
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"How long has she lived there?"
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Now I'm roped in.
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He goes, "Fifteen years."
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And I go, "You've never been?"
And he goes, "Uh-uh."
159
00:08:02,231 --> 00:08:05,985
Now I'm starting to look at him like,
"Hey, man, do you drive to work or...
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does somebody drop you off?"
You know what I mean?
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I think he... [laughs]
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Yeah.
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I think he could see it in my face...
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because, out of nowhere,
he goes, "I drive."
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I was like, "That's cool, man.
That's cool.
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I drive, too. That's crazy. Uh...
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I gotta get in here."
168
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He goes, "Yeah, we're gonna check out DC,
and we're gonna see some monuments."
169
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I go, "I would love to hear about it,
but I have to make a deposit."
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He goes, "I'll be here when you walk out."
I go, "You motherfucker."
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Fuck that guy.
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And fuck everybody like him.
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If you have the audacity
to tell people how you're doing
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when they say, "How you doing?"
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that shit is rude and selfish, all right?
176
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I'm serious.
177
00:09:01,958 --> 00:09:04,835
There are two acceptable answers
to "How you doing?"
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"Fine" and "great."
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And if you're miserable, you say, "Fine."
180
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You don't burden people
with your real-world problems
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00:09:13,678 --> 00:09:15,471
during a courteous exchange.
182
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Yeah.
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It's true.
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You know why?
185
00:09:24,063 --> 00:09:26,774
Because nobody
wants to hear your problems.
186
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Your problems make my dick soft,
187
00:09:28,985 --> 00:09:32,238
and I am trying to stay hard out here.
188
00:09:32,321 --> 00:09:33,155
Now...
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00:09:38,744 --> 00:09:41,706
You know who's got a good system going on?
190
00:09:41,789 --> 00:09:45,251
Rodrigo Duterte,
the president of the Philippines.
191
00:09:46,669 --> 00:09:48,713
[laughs] Yeah, well, if you're not aware,
192
00:09:48,796 --> 00:09:52,883
the president of the Philippines
is a super cool guy, and...
193
00:09:53,843 --> 00:09:55,970
he has a lot of fun ideas. [laughs]
194
00:09:56,721 --> 00:10:01,934
One of them is that he employs
motorcycle murder squads...
195
00:10:02,935 --> 00:10:06,606
to go out and kill people on sight.
196
00:10:07,148 --> 00:10:09,400
No arrest, no trial.
197
00:10:09,483 --> 00:10:10,651
Who does he do it to?
198
00:10:10,735 --> 00:10:15,489
Drug dealers and suspected drug users.
199
00:10:16,907 --> 00:10:17,825
"Suspected."
200
00:10:18,326 --> 00:10:21,662
Do you know how many tired people die
every day in Manila?
201
00:10:22,913 --> 00:10:24,165
Isn't that crazy to you?
202
00:10:24,248 --> 00:10:27,835
You can walk out of your house
at five in the morning, like, "Oh, shit."
203
00:10:28,044 --> 00:10:29,879
And then you hear... [revving]
You're like, "Oh.
204
00:10:35,009 --> 00:10:35,843
I'm up!"
205
00:10:37,470 --> 00:10:40,014
They roll up next to you, "You high?"
You're like, "I just got up."
206
00:10:40,097 --> 00:10:42,433
They're like, "Mm, you're high."
Pow. Kill you.
207
00:10:44,143 --> 00:10:45,645
It's horrific.
208
00:10:45,728 --> 00:10:47,355
It's reprehensible.
209
00:10:47,438 --> 00:10:49,231
And I hope that we adopt it here.
210
00:10:49,315 --> 00:10:50,149
Not...
211
00:10:52,068 --> 00:10:54,028
Not for drug usage, obviously.
212
00:10:54,111 --> 00:10:59,200
I think we should reserve it for people
who have public speakerphone conversations
213
00:10:59,283 --> 00:11:01,786
with their phones in front of their face
like this.
214
00:11:01,869 --> 00:11:04,038
-[crowd cheering]
-You know? Yeah.
215
00:11:06,374 --> 00:11:10,711
Who are these people just walking around,
oblivious to the world around them?
216
00:11:10,795 --> 00:11:12,421
You're waiting in line to buy a coffee,
217
00:11:12,505 --> 00:11:15,966
you have to hear a fascinating,
two-way tale amplified.
218
00:11:16,634 --> 00:11:19,762
It's always like... [in distorted voice]
"Where were you last night? [gibbering]
219
00:11:21,263 --> 00:11:23,265
[continues gibbering]
220
00:11:26,894 --> 00:11:29,689
[retches]
Slice their fucking throat, right in line.
221
00:11:30,064 --> 00:11:32,400
Kick the the body.
"Can I have a coffee?" So...
222
00:11:33,734 --> 00:11:35,528
Too violent? I get it. So...
223
00:11:36,654 --> 00:11:40,116
You know whose balls
I'd love to slam in a mailbox...
224
00:11:41,450 --> 00:11:42,952
for 20 minutes straight?
225
00:11:44,036 --> 00:11:50,418
Grown men who board 6:00 a.m. flights
who have never seen clouds before.
226
00:11:50,501 --> 00:11:51,460
I don't know...
227
00:11:53,462 --> 00:11:54,296
if...
228
00:11:55,047 --> 00:11:59,885
you've ever had the good fortune
of boarding an early morning flight
229
00:11:59,969 --> 00:12:04,223
where there's an unspoken agreement,
"We're gonna keep it nice and dark
230
00:12:04,306 --> 00:12:06,767
so we can rest along the journey."
231
00:12:06,851 --> 00:12:10,187
But there's always some TikTok in 16C...
232
00:12:10,271 --> 00:12:11,731
[crowd cheering]
233
00:12:12,565 --> 00:12:13,399
Yeah.
234
00:12:15,443 --> 00:12:19,780
One guy who's sitting there, who's like,
"I've never seen a cloud like that.
235
00:12:27,496 --> 00:12:29,540
Oh! There's another one right there."
236
00:12:31,584 --> 00:12:33,085
"Are you fucking four?
237
00:12:34,420 --> 00:12:37,256
Shut the shade, tit-slap.
We're trying to get some rest."
238
00:12:39,008 --> 00:12:43,304
And people who put stick figures
and the names of their family members
239
00:12:43,387 --> 00:12:45,848
on the rear windshields of their car.
240
00:12:49,518 --> 00:12:52,605
They should be publicly executed...
241
00:12:53,773 --> 00:12:56,650
in their car so we can keep score
on the window, you know.
242
00:12:59,612 --> 00:13:01,280
Isn't that insane to you?
243
00:13:01,363 --> 00:13:03,824
Don't you have any protective instincts?
244
00:13:03,908 --> 00:13:06,660
I mean, it's crazy.
You pull up at a random red light,
245
00:13:06,744 --> 00:13:10,623
and the car in front of you is like,
"It's funny that you didn't ask, but...
246
00:13:12,708 --> 00:13:15,669
inside are Mommy and Daddy...
247
00:13:17,296 --> 00:13:19,006
and Brian and Marissa.
248
00:13:20,549 --> 00:13:22,676
And there's a soccer ball next to Brian...
249
00:13:23,969 --> 00:13:25,805
because Brian loves soccer."
250
00:13:27,598 --> 00:13:28,474
Oh.
251
00:13:29,225 --> 00:13:31,852
Does Brian love getting molested?
Because...
252
00:13:34,021 --> 00:13:39,443
you put his name and favorite thing
out there as bait to society.
253
00:13:39,527 --> 00:13:42,238
Are you out of your goddamn mind?
254
00:13:43,739 --> 00:13:46,951
Why don't you put your home address
and his daily schedule
255
00:13:47,034 --> 00:13:48,285
right fucking next to it?
256
00:13:48,911 --> 00:13:52,915
"Brian's up at six, home at one,
bath at seven. [giggles]
257
00:13:54,333 --> 00:13:56,210
Come over if you want to join us."
258
00:13:56,919 --> 00:13:57,753
It's not okay.
259
00:13:59,338 --> 00:14:00,256
[sighs]
260
00:14:00,339 --> 00:14:01,173
Guys...
261
00:14:03,050 --> 00:14:05,594
have you ever thought
about how many times
262
00:14:05,678 --> 00:14:08,389
you may have slept
with your significant other?
263
00:14:08,472 --> 00:14:11,517
You shouldn't know the answer.
So let me just start there. All right?
264
00:14:11,600 --> 00:14:14,103
If you do, that's terrifying, and...
265
00:14:14,812 --> 00:14:15,980
we'd like you to leave.
266
00:14:16,897 --> 00:14:19,859
Yeah. If you're sitting here like,
"Finally, somebody asked.
267
00:14:21,819 --> 00:14:23,153
It's 926!"
268
00:14:24,947 --> 00:14:26,782
There's the exit. What I'm saying...
269
00:14:27,658 --> 00:14:31,662
I'm saying, as a concept,
it is reasonable to assume,
270
00:14:31,745 --> 00:14:36,208
if you've been with somebody three years,
you have a healthy thing going on,
271
00:14:36,292 --> 00:14:39,086
you may have slept together
a few hundred times.
272
00:14:39,169 --> 00:14:40,379
Right? Right.
273
00:14:40,880 --> 00:14:45,384
Now, I want you to think about
how many times your dad...
274
00:14:47,970 --> 00:14:49,889
has finished inside of your mom.
275
00:14:53,100 --> 00:14:54,518
So many times!
276
00:14:55,686 --> 00:14:59,356
[in Southern accent]
"Tom, why would you say that?"
277
00:15:02,651 --> 00:15:05,779
Well, basically, I think all of our moms
278
00:15:05,863 --> 00:15:08,115
are a bunch of cum dumpsters,
you know, but...
279
00:15:09,617 --> 00:15:11,493
Your mom more than my mom. Now...
280
00:15:14,663 --> 00:15:16,248
Ew, I know, it's a tough image
281
00:15:16,332 --> 00:15:19,001
to get out of your head
once I've planted it, right?
282
00:15:19,084 --> 00:15:21,462
You're like,
"Goddamn it, my mom's dripping?"
283
00:15:21,545 --> 00:15:22,796
Probably, yeah.
284
00:15:24,924 --> 00:15:26,383
Soaking wet. Look...
285
00:15:28,385 --> 00:15:31,847
your mom has done some nasty shit.
286
00:15:32,723 --> 00:15:33,974
Let's talk about it.
287
00:15:34,058 --> 00:15:35,142
[laughs]
288
00:15:40,189 --> 00:15:42,024
She really has. And, uh...
289
00:15:42,566 --> 00:15:44,818
Look, I'm here to defend her, all right?
290
00:15:45,402 --> 00:15:46,528
It is not her fault.
291
00:15:47,529 --> 00:15:49,198
It's your dad's fault, for sure.
292
00:15:49,823 --> 00:15:53,535
Your dad, with all due respect,
is kind of a piece of shit. A little bit!
293
00:15:53,827 --> 00:15:55,621
And if you're like, "Not my dad.
294
00:15:56,664 --> 00:15:57,581
He's good..."
295
00:15:57,665 --> 00:15:58,499
Yeah, to you.
296
00:15:59,667 --> 00:16:01,585
He's not always like that to your mom.
297
00:16:01,877 --> 00:16:04,171
If they've been together three decades,
298
00:16:04,254 --> 00:16:07,132
you don't think he says
some off-colored shit...
299
00:16:08,342 --> 00:16:10,344
every now and then? Of course he does.
300
00:16:10,427 --> 00:16:11,637
They're laying in bed.
301
00:16:11,720 --> 00:16:15,349
Your dad's tossing and turning.
He can't sleep. [grunting]
302
00:16:15,432 --> 00:16:18,185
And your poor mother,
"Is everything all right, dear?"
303
00:16:19,311 --> 00:16:20,145
"It's fine."
304
00:16:21,522 --> 00:16:22,606
"Was supper good?"
305
00:16:22,690 --> 00:16:24,608
"Yeah. Shut up, I'm trying to sleep."
306
00:16:26,694 --> 00:16:28,153
"Can I do anything to help?"
307
00:16:28,237 --> 00:16:30,489
"Yeah. You can lick my balls, all right?"
308
00:16:31,407 --> 00:16:32,574
You want to know something?
309
00:16:32,658 --> 00:16:35,244
Your poor mother, she does it,
all right? She...
310
00:16:35,995 --> 00:16:39,081
Because she's a ball hog.
So your mom gets down there...
311
00:16:40,874 --> 00:16:41,834
[weeps]
312
00:16:47,423 --> 00:16:48,340
[weeps]
313
00:16:50,050 --> 00:16:52,011
And she goes, "I like my life."
314
00:16:52,094 --> 00:16:53,095
[weeping]
315
00:16:55,639 --> 00:16:57,766
Oh, your mom. Now...
316
00:16:59,852 --> 00:17:00,686
Your grandma.
317
00:17:00,769 --> 00:17:03,230
Think about some of the things
that she's done.
318
00:17:04,647 --> 00:17:07,568
On the railroad tracks
or wherever she used to fuck around.
319
00:17:09,153 --> 00:17:11,446
[laughs] El Paso. I don't know. Uh...
320
00:17:14,407 --> 00:17:17,327
You're like,
"Why are you saying this stuff, Tom?"
321
00:17:17,411 --> 00:17:18,537
'Cause I'm having fun.
322
00:17:18,619 --> 00:17:19,704
[laughs]
323
00:17:20,247 --> 00:17:22,165
Because I enjoy upsetting people.
324
00:17:22,249 --> 00:17:25,711
[laughs] Yeah. I don't know
what it says about me psychologically,
325
00:17:25,794 --> 00:17:28,756
but there is... I don't know,
there's, like, a marching band
326
00:17:28,839 --> 00:17:31,467
inside of me right now,
going, "Good job, good job."
327
00:17:32,718 --> 00:17:33,552
Yeah.
328
00:17:33,635 --> 00:17:37,931
'Cause, internally, I picture somebody
out there going like, "I was having fun...
329
00:17:39,558 --> 00:17:41,935
until he talked about my slut mom."
330
00:17:43,645 --> 00:17:45,522
And it makes me happy. I don't know.
331
00:17:46,732 --> 00:17:48,984
It'll upset somebody,
and they'll try to tell me.
332
00:17:50,110 --> 00:17:51,278
I say they'll try to tell me
333
00:17:51,361 --> 00:17:54,323
'cause they'll send me a message
that I'll never read and...
334
00:17:54,740 --> 00:17:56,909
No, no, I used to.
I used to read them all.
335
00:17:56,992 --> 00:18:00,788
And it took me a long time to figure out
you shouldn't read every message.
336
00:18:00,871 --> 00:18:05,042
I don't think any performer
should digest everything sent their way.
337
00:18:05,125 --> 00:18:07,753
And I didn't know that for a long time,
you know,
338
00:18:07,836 --> 00:18:10,631
and I wish I had known that
'cause it kind of gets to you, you know?
339
00:18:10,839 --> 00:18:13,717
The first time I actually got in trouble
for saying something
340
00:18:13,801 --> 00:18:15,344
was about five years ago.
341
00:18:15,427 --> 00:18:18,472
I got in trouble for saying "Gypsy"
on television.
342
00:18:19,139 --> 00:18:22,392
Yeah. I didn't say anything nice
about them, so let me...
343
00:18:23,268 --> 00:18:24,937
rephrase it. [laughs]
344
00:18:25,020 --> 00:18:28,148
I was just like... I was on a show.
I was like, "Who doesn't hate Gypsies?"
345
00:18:28,232 --> 00:18:29,066
And then...
346
00:18:29,775 --> 00:18:32,528
everybody on the show was like,
"We're with you," but...
347
00:18:33,737 --> 00:18:35,781
afterwards, they found out.
348
00:18:36,824 --> 00:18:38,033
And they reached out.
349
00:18:38,117 --> 00:18:40,285
Like the president of the Gypsies...
350
00:18:41,620 --> 00:18:42,704
sent me a message.
351
00:18:42,788 --> 00:18:45,916
I guess she stole someone's phone.
So she sent me this message.
352
00:18:45,999 --> 00:18:48,001
[crowd laughing, applauding]
353
00:18:51,380 --> 00:18:53,841
We can tell who travels. So, uh...
354
00:18:54,466 --> 00:18:55,509
she sent me this message.
355
00:18:55,592 --> 00:18:59,555
She was like, "You said the G-word
on tele--" I was like, "Huh?
356
00:19:00,389 --> 00:19:01,598
The G-word?"
357
00:19:02,432 --> 00:19:06,562
I'm a grown man. And this is over e-mail.
She's being a real B-word. And so...
358
00:19:08,147 --> 00:19:11,483
I didn't want to push her,
make her a C-word. You know what I mean?
359
00:19:11,900 --> 00:19:14,111
Where my N-words at?
All right, well, look...
360
00:19:15,028 --> 00:19:15,863
Hey, man...
361
00:19:16,363 --> 00:19:19,032
it's modern comedy, get with the program.
Now...
362
00:19:20,242 --> 00:19:21,118
Then she went on.
363
00:19:21,201 --> 00:19:25,789
She goes, "Well, just so you know,
we're very proud of our ethnicity."
364
00:19:25,873 --> 00:19:29,793
And I was like, "Yeah, you should be.
I mean, you have nothing else. [laughs]
365
00:19:31,587 --> 00:19:33,755
I hope you're good at camping." [laughs]
366
00:19:35,299 --> 00:19:37,384
Hey, I was giving her a compliment.
367
00:19:38,427 --> 00:19:42,514
I was saying, "I enjoy your ethnic pride,
because you've earned it."
368
00:19:42,598 --> 00:19:45,350
And frankly, I don't think everybody has.
All right?
369
00:19:45,434 --> 00:19:48,103
Every group's like, "We're the best."
No, you're not.
370
00:19:48,562 --> 00:19:50,814
It's impossible
for everybody to be the best.
371
00:19:50,898 --> 00:19:54,109
I'm serious. Every group, they're like...
[gibbering]
372
00:19:55,360 --> 00:19:58,906
No. I mean, just as an example, okay,
just to, like, lay this out:
373
00:19:58,989 --> 00:20:02,201
How many people in the room,
let's say, are Italian for instance?
374
00:20:02,284 --> 00:20:03,869
-[crowd cheers]
-Okay.
375
00:20:04,328 --> 00:20:09,750
Now, aren't the rest of you a little sick
of hearing from them? Like... Right?
376
00:20:10,751 --> 00:20:13,170
"Hey, we're the best! Fucking pasta!"
377
00:20:13,253 --> 00:20:14,838
You're like, "All right." So...
378
00:20:15,964 --> 00:20:18,425
Pasta's Chinese. Calm down. Now...
379
00:20:19,384 --> 00:20:21,303
Anyways, after that,
I kept reading messages.
380
00:20:21,386 --> 00:20:22,763
Reading, reading, reading.
381
00:20:22,846 --> 00:20:28,060
And then a little while ago,
I got, in one six-week period,
382
00:20:28,143 --> 00:20:34,775
200,000 e-mails and messages
just from the state of Louisiana,
383
00:20:34,858 --> 00:20:38,528
over jokes that I had told in a special.
Now...
384
00:20:39,738 --> 00:20:43,992
if you don't know,
I had a joke in a previous special...
385
00:20:44,493 --> 00:20:45,744
-and...
-[crowd cheering]
386
00:20:45,827 --> 00:20:46,870
Yeah, it's fine.
387
00:20:50,958 --> 00:20:53,335
It was a very silly joke.
388
00:20:53,418 --> 00:20:55,921
The joke essentially was I said,
"You know what?
389
00:20:56,004 --> 00:20:57,798
We should build a wall in this country,
390
00:20:57,881 --> 00:21:00,300
but we should build it
around that dumb fucking state."
391
00:21:00,384 --> 00:21:01,802
That was my joke. Now...
392
00:21:02,427 --> 00:21:06,181
Look, I'm so dumb, I was like,
"Everybody will like that joke."
393
00:21:06,265 --> 00:21:07,140
No, they don't.
394
00:21:08,600 --> 00:21:10,269
Not the people you made it about.
395
00:21:11,270 --> 00:21:15,315
I got so many misspelled death threats
and, uh...
396
00:21:18,694 --> 00:21:21,780
I was like, "Is this Creole?
What the hell are they trying to tell me?"
397
00:21:25,826 --> 00:21:29,538
I got asked about it so much,
I was on the news about it...
398
00:21:30,038 --> 00:21:32,207
that I just volunteer it now, okay?
399
00:21:32,291 --> 00:21:33,583
So here's the truth.
400
00:21:33,667 --> 00:21:37,045
I never would have shit on them
as hard as I did
401
00:21:37,129 --> 00:21:40,507
if I had been to Arkansas,
which I now have.
402
00:21:40,590 --> 00:21:42,884
What? What!
403
00:21:46,346 --> 00:21:47,556
What...
404
00:21:48,557 --> 00:21:51,226
a fucking dump that place is.
405
00:21:52,102 --> 00:21:55,272
I think, when people flush their toilets
in Louisiana,
406
00:21:55,355 --> 00:21:57,316
it all comes up in Arkansas. It...
407
00:21:59,026 --> 00:22:02,904
It smells like broken dreams
and buttholes and...
408
00:22:03,613 --> 00:22:05,324
a little bit of barbecue, but...
409
00:22:06,366 --> 00:22:07,743
Here's what's fascinating.
410
00:22:07,826 --> 00:22:10,287
Most of you will never experience this,
411
00:22:10,370 --> 00:22:14,541
but if you ever offend
a large group of people,
412
00:22:14,624 --> 00:22:17,294
like, let's say, an entire state...
413
00:22:18,754 --> 00:22:21,381
you end up learning a lot about them.
414
00:22:22,174 --> 00:22:23,133
You don't want to.
415
00:22:23,592 --> 00:22:25,469
But they insist, so...
416
00:22:26,636 --> 00:22:30,932
Yeah. I know everything
about Louisiana now. It's the worst.
417
00:22:31,016 --> 00:22:36,146
I'm like an unofficial historian
on the place I least want to go to.
418
00:22:37,439 --> 00:22:40,317
I mean, their state motto
runs through my head
419
00:22:40,400 --> 00:22:44,071
like it's the Dow Jones ticker,
all day, every day.
420
00:22:44,154 --> 00:22:48,408
It's, "Louisiana, where people smoke
in their cars with their babies." And...
421
00:22:49,993 --> 00:22:51,661
[mumbling]
422
00:22:54,831 --> 00:22:58,168
Arkansas's is,
"You done with that baby?" So...
423
00:22:58,251 --> 00:22:59,211
Hmm?
424
00:23:02,422 --> 00:23:05,509
"What are you gonna do with it?"
"We're gonna eat it. What do you mean?
425
00:23:06,301 --> 00:23:07,844
Sooey!"
426
00:23:07,928 --> 00:23:08,762
Now...
427
00:23:12,224 --> 00:23:17,813
I also got a lot of messages
from the Down syndrome community.
428
00:23:21,650 --> 00:23:22,567
That was fun.
429
00:23:23,443 --> 00:23:24,861
Here's the truth about that.
430
00:23:24,945 --> 00:23:26,905
People with Down syndrome
431
00:23:26,988 --> 00:23:31,660
write much more coherently
than people from Louisiana. So...
432
00:23:37,416 --> 00:23:40,043
We were able to have a dialogue. [laughs]
433
00:23:41,211 --> 00:23:45,632
And I think I've grown and matured
since then. I'm serious. I think I have.
434
00:23:45,715 --> 00:23:48,510
I think, for instance, right now, today,
435
00:23:48,593 --> 00:23:54,933
I think it is both lazy and antiquated
to say, "Are you fucking R-worded?"
436
00:23:56,309 --> 00:23:58,478
R-E-T-A-R... You get it.
437
00:23:59,438 --> 00:24:00,397
And here's why.
438
00:24:00,480 --> 00:24:03,733
I think, when I say that, what I'm trying
to say is, "Are you an idiot?
439
00:24:03,817 --> 00:24:06,069
Are you an imbecile? Are you stupid?"
440
00:24:06,153 --> 00:24:08,155
And that is not the right word for that.
441
00:24:08,238 --> 00:24:10,449
The right word for that is "Cajun."
442
00:24:10,532 --> 00:24:12,534
So that's what I'm gonna start saying...
443
00:24:13,243 --> 00:24:14,202
from now on.
444
00:24:14,953 --> 00:24:16,288
So fuck you again.
445
00:24:16,371 --> 00:24:17,914
That's my point. Now...
446
00:24:17,998 --> 00:24:19,624
[crowd cheering, whistling]
447
00:24:19,708 --> 00:24:20,542
Yeah.
448
00:24:25,714 --> 00:24:28,049
But I'll tell you this.
I want you to know something.
449
00:24:28,133 --> 00:24:30,051
I am not one of these comedians who goes,
450
00:24:30,135 --> 00:24:34,347
"I don't understand
why people ever get upset about anything."
451
00:24:34,681 --> 00:24:35,682
[gibbering]
452
00:24:36,766 --> 00:24:39,436
Like the dumbest perspective you can have.
453
00:24:39,936 --> 00:24:41,021
I totally understand.
454
00:24:41,104 --> 00:24:46,401
I think you have a right to be offended
by whatever offends you,
455
00:24:46,485 --> 00:24:49,529
and I think you have a right
to express it.
456
00:24:49,613 --> 00:24:51,281
I do not think, however,
457
00:24:51,364 --> 00:24:55,368
that you have a right
to expect anyone to do anything about it.
458
00:24:55,744 --> 00:24:57,412
-[crowd cheering]
-Yeah.
459
00:25:01,917 --> 00:25:05,086
Just like if you express
any of your other feelings.
460
00:25:05,170 --> 00:25:08,131
Like if you're like,
"I'm horny. I'm hungry. I'm tired."
461
00:25:08,215 --> 00:25:10,383
I'd be like,
"Wow, you got a lot of shit going on.
462
00:25:11,760 --> 00:25:15,347
Sounds like you need to jerk off,
eat a sandwich, and take a nap. And...
463
00:25:16,056 --> 00:25:16,890
that's on you.
464
00:25:16,973 --> 00:25:19,392
I mean, I'll give you a little tug
to get you started, but...
465
00:25:20,143 --> 00:25:21,269
I'm not gonna finish."
466
00:25:22,812 --> 00:25:26,358
And I also think I should have the right
to respond, you know?
467
00:25:26,441 --> 00:25:27,692
Yeah, that's how it should work.
468
00:25:27,776 --> 00:25:29,945
I say something, you say something,
I say something,
469
00:25:30,028 --> 00:25:31,363
and it continues.
470
00:25:31,446 --> 00:25:36,993
So I'll say this. I am not put out
by outraged culture, okay?
471
00:25:37,077 --> 00:25:38,745
I'm serious. Doesn't affect me.
472
00:25:38,828 --> 00:25:42,415
Because I deal with
emotionally fragile people every day.
473
00:25:42,499 --> 00:25:44,876
See, I have two kids, and...
474
00:25:46,044 --> 00:25:49,172
they bring me their problems.
They do. And I speak to them about them.
475
00:25:49,256 --> 00:25:51,883
I speak to them differently
than I would normally speak to you.
476
00:25:51,967 --> 00:25:55,887
You know, they'll come up to me,
and my older one will be like... [whining]
477
00:25:57,222 --> 00:25:58,181
"It's loud...
478
00:26:00,267 --> 00:26:01,101
over there."
479
00:26:02,310 --> 00:26:04,312
And I'll be like... "Is it?
480
00:26:05,939 --> 00:26:07,607
Well, then don't go over there."
481
00:26:11,319 --> 00:26:12,571
He goes, "Okay."
482
00:26:13,822 --> 00:26:15,073
And I go, "Okay."
483
00:26:15,949 --> 00:26:19,035
And then I go, "Mwah,"
and I kiss him on the head.
484
00:26:19,119 --> 00:26:21,162
And that's how I'm gonna start
speaking to adults
485
00:26:21,246 --> 00:26:25,125
who tell me they're offended by jokes
during comedy shows. So...
486
00:26:25,208 --> 00:26:26,459
-[crowd cheering]
-Yeah.
487
00:26:30,255 --> 00:26:32,674
The best part
is that you don't have to agree.
488
00:26:32,757 --> 00:26:34,759
That's the great thing
about living in this country.
489
00:26:34,843 --> 00:26:37,178
You don't have to agree,
but you'll know where I stand.
490
00:26:37,262 --> 00:26:38,847
So if you come up to me, and you're like,
491
00:26:38,930 --> 00:26:44,102
"I was deeply hurt by what you said
during your ha-ha show..."
492
00:26:46,021 --> 00:26:47,439
I'll be like, "Oh, were you?
493
00:26:47,522 --> 00:26:50,025
Well, you should never hear things
you don't like,
494
00:26:50,108 --> 00:26:51,860
so you stay home now. Mwah."
495
00:26:51,943 --> 00:26:53,445
And I'll kiss you on the head.
496
00:26:59,451 --> 00:27:03,538
That being said, do you ever wonder what
kind of slave owner you would have been?
497
00:27:03,622 --> 00:27:04,497
Now...
498
00:27:06,708 --> 00:27:07,626
Not now!
499
00:27:08,668 --> 00:27:12,505
I mean, it's 1831, you're white,
you live...
500
00:27:12,589 --> 00:27:14,466
exactly where you live right now.
501
00:27:19,554 --> 00:27:22,724
You guys are like, "We don't want to play
this game." All right, well...
502
00:27:24,017 --> 00:27:25,644
Fuck it, I'll play. Uh...
503
00:27:26,811 --> 00:27:29,856
I know how I would have been.
I mean, I love buying cars now.
504
00:27:33,234 --> 00:27:35,528
"I know we have three,
but look at this fucking guy!"
505
00:27:35,612 --> 00:27:36,529
All right, well...
506
00:27:37,530 --> 00:27:39,616
Hey, if you didn't like that joke...
[clicks tongue]
507
00:27:39,699 --> 00:27:41,326
...don't think about it. Now...
508
00:27:43,870 --> 00:27:45,372
Women. [laughs]
509
00:27:47,207 --> 00:27:49,459
Do you feel like
you're almost equal citizens?
510
00:27:49,542 --> 00:27:52,796
Because you are not. Now...
511
00:27:55,423 --> 00:27:56,424
I'm on your side.
512
00:27:57,384 --> 00:28:01,262
I didn't say you shouldn't be.
I said you're not, because I have eyes.
513
00:28:02,555 --> 00:28:06,267
You're not. You don't sense
the great imbalance that we live with?
514
00:28:06,351 --> 00:28:09,813
Men get paid more
to do the same work that you do.
515
00:28:09,896 --> 00:28:11,314
Advantage, men.
516
00:28:11,815 --> 00:28:15,193
Women get mad at us
for things we do in their dreams.
517
00:28:15,276 --> 00:28:16,611
Advantage, women.
518
00:28:18,780 --> 00:28:19,864
Isn't that some shit?
519
00:28:20,740 --> 00:28:24,369
When you're at breakfast and you're like,
"Why is she looking at me like that?"
520
00:28:27,872 --> 00:28:30,625
She's like, "You were a dick
in my dream last night."
521
00:28:31,334 --> 00:28:33,169
And you're like, "Okay, all right.
522
00:28:35,839 --> 00:28:36,673
Are you serious?
523
00:28:38,633 --> 00:28:40,719
I would like to apologize...
524
00:28:43,054 --> 00:28:45,598
for what I did in your dream last night."
525
00:28:46,349 --> 00:28:48,685
She's like, "Thank you."
And you're like,
526
00:28:48,768 --> 00:28:50,645
"All right, I'm gonna get
the fuck out of here."
527
00:28:51,479 --> 00:28:55,066
See, I think the power dynamic
that we live with was set by a man.
528
00:28:55,150 --> 00:28:56,067
Obviously.
529
00:28:56,151 --> 00:28:58,862
I think he was gonna make it equal.
I really believe that.
530
00:28:58,945 --> 00:29:01,197
And I think
the day he was going to set it up,
531
00:29:01,281 --> 00:29:05,660
he was leaving his house, and his wife
stopped him at the door. And she was like,
532
00:29:05,744 --> 00:29:09,164
"You know, you were titty fucking
a brunette in my dream last night."
533
00:29:10,582 --> 00:29:12,250
And he was like, "You know what?
534
00:29:13,334 --> 00:29:14,169
No.
535
00:29:16,629 --> 00:29:17,839
You're gonna answer the phones.
536
00:29:17,922 --> 00:29:20,091
That's what you're gonna do."
And he walked away.
537
00:29:20,425 --> 00:29:21,801
[laughing] Okay.
538
00:29:22,844 --> 00:29:26,181
Don't accurately joke about our culture.
All right.
539
00:29:29,642 --> 00:29:31,352
[laughs] Really?
540
00:29:31,853 --> 00:29:34,689
That's not funny either? You don't think
there's a couple people in here
541
00:29:34,773 --> 00:29:37,817
who are like, "I do answer the phones."
Like, is that funny to you?
542
00:29:39,903 --> 00:29:42,155
[laughs] On Monday, she'll be like,
"Hi, thank you for...
543
00:29:42,238 --> 00:29:44,157
Oh, fuck him. Fuck that guy." Right?
544
00:29:45,950 --> 00:29:51,247
Sometimes, you witness the power imbalance
play out in front of you
545
00:29:51,331 --> 00:29:54,501
between the genders
in a grotesque fashion.
546
00:29:54,584 --> 00:29:56,669
Of course, when I say "the genders,"
547
00:29:56,753 --> 00:30:00,882
I am only speaking of two
of the several hundred that now exist.
548
00:30:02,675 --> 00:30:05,178
I would like it to be clear where I stand.
549
00:30:05,261 --> 00:30:09,891
I have no problem calling anybody
anything they wish to be called.
550
00:30:09,974 --> 00:30:11,935
It is no burden on me.
551
00:30:12,018 --> 00:30:14,938
You can identify as a shoelace
if you want to.
552
00:30:15,647 --> 00:30:19,025
And I will call you Zippedy Zim-zir
if you ask me to.
553
00:30:20,026 --> 00:30:22,612
Do I think it's a little silly?
554
00:30:22,695 --> 00:30:25,657
Yeah. But so is badminton,
and that's an Olympic event.
555
00:30:25,740 --> 00:30:26,741
You know? So...
556
00:30:30,703 --> 00:30:34,290
Here's what happened.
I was shooting a movie a few months back,
557
00:30:34,374 --> 00:30:37,377
and one day, we wrapped up kind of early
from filmmaking.
558
00:30:37,460 --> 00:30:38,753
It was late afternoon.
559
00:30:38,837 --> 00:30:42,090
And I walk off set, and I notice
there's a bar across the street.
560
00:30:42,173 --> 00:30:45,844
I go, "I'm gonna walk into this bar,
have a drink, go back to the hotel."
561
00:30:46,010 --> 00:30:47,011
Simple enough, right?
562
00:30:47,095 --> 00:30:51,099
I walk in,
I see a woman seated at the bar,
563
00:30:51,182 --> 00:30:55,186
doing what I can only describe
as weird shit.
564
00:30:56,896 --> 00:30:58,898
If you're like, "What do you mean, Tom?"
565
00:30:58,982 --> 00:31:02,193
Well, I think
there's a normal spectrum of behavior
566
00:31:02,277 --> 00:31:04,821
that you see from one seated at a bar.
567
00:31:04,904 --> 00:31:07,991
You know, if you see them seated there,
you might see them go like this,
568
00:31:08,074 --> 00:31:09,617
or, like, "Hey,"
569
00:31:09,701 --> 00:31:10,785
or maybe even...
570
00:31:10,869 --> 00:31:12,161
[imitating laughter]
571
00:31:13,705 --> 00:31:17,000
This lady is seated at the bar,
and she's going...
572
00:31:23,047 --> 00:31:26,217
I'm like, "Is she making fudge?
What is she doing over there?"
573
00:31:27,719 --> 00:31:29,596
I also noticed it late.
574
00:31:29,679 --> 00:31:32,724
Like, I noticed it as I'm walking past it.
That happens sometimes, right?
575
00:31:32,807 --> 00:31:35,143
Like you walk,
you see something as you're passing it.
576
00:31:35,226 --> 00:31:37,812
You're like, "That's some crazy shit,"
and you keep walking.
577
00:31:37,896 --> 00:31:40,023
And then you're like,
"I need to see that again.
578
00:31:40,899 --> 00:31:42,984
I don't know how I'm gonna see it again."
579
00:31:50,116 --> 00:31:51,200
Now I'm dead center,
580
00:31:51,284 --> 00:31:57,624
and I see that a woman, to be clear,
is in public, 4:30 in the afternoon,
581
00:31:57,874 --> 00:31:59,918
and she is sitting there fucking...
582
00:32:03,254 --> 00:32:05,632
Peeling her potato. I don't know. Um...
583
00:32:06,758 --> 00:32:09,260
Playing with her pussy.
You know what I'm trying to say.
584
00:32:09,719 --> 00:32:12,138
And she is not hot, if you're wondering.
585
00:32:13,431 --> 00:32:15,934
If you're like, "Was she super hot?"
586
00:32:16,017 --> 00:32:17,769
No, she wasn't.
587
00:32:17,852 --> 00:32:20,980
And because of that,
I tattletaled immediately.
588
00:32:22,148 --> 00:32:23,942
You know what's up. So...
589
00:32:25,652 --> 00:32:28,363
I go to the bouncer. I go, "Excuse me.
590
00:32:30,823 --> 00:32:33,076
That not-model over there...
591
00:32:34,744 --> 00:32:37,038
is diddling herself at the bar."
592
00:32:37,622 --> 00:32:40,792
And this big, yoked dude looked,
and he goes...
593
00:32:40,875 --> 00:32:41,960
[babbling]
594
00:32:44,963 --> 00:32:47,674
I go, "Yeah, talk to her."
And he goes, "Mm-mm."
595
00:32:50,843 --> 00:32:52,136
I'm like, "Excuse me?"
596
00:32:52,679 --> 00:32:55,056
He goes, "I don't want
anything to do with that shit."
597
00:32:56,474 --> 00:32:57,976
I'm like, "I don't think anybody does.
598
00:32:58,726 --> 00:33:00,979
There's a woman masturbating at the bar."
599
00:33:01,854 --> 00:33:02,772
He's like... [groans]
600
00:33:02,855 --> 00:33:06,943
Like he's put out
by my outrageous request.
601
00:33:07,026 --> 00:33:09,153
He's like, "All right, man, Jesus Christ."
602
00:33:10,238 --> 00:33:14,117
So he gets up, he walks,
like, halfway there, turns around,
603
00:33:14,200 --> 00:33:15,702
he goes, "Yeah, I couldn't do it, man."
604
00:33:18,538 --> 00:33:19,789
I go, "You have to."
605
00:33:20,540 --> 00:33:22,041
So he calls over the hostess.
606
00:33:22,125 --> 00:33:25,086
This cute little 22-year-old
that's like, "What's up, guys?"
607
00:33:26,421 --> 00:33:27,630
He goes, "Handle that."
608
00:33:27,714 --> 00:33:28,673
She's like, "Okay."
609
00:33:29,924 --> 00:33:33,886
She goes over there, super polite,
which is fucked up...
610
00:33:35,096 --> 00:33:36,931
considering the circumstances.
611
00:33:37,015 --> 00:33:39,892
I can't hear her,
but I can read her body language.
612
00:33:40,226 --> 00:33:41,769
She's like, "Hi."
613
00:33:43,438 --> 00:33:45,606
And she's like, "Everybody can see you."
614
00:33:49,944 --> 00:33:51,404
And then she goes, "Stop it.
615
00:33:53,865 --> 00:33:54,699
Stop."
616
00:33:55,324 --> 00:33:57,201
And she goes, "You promise?" [laughs]
617
00:33:58,244 --> 00:33:59,912
Then she goes, "Thank you."
618
00:34:01,039 --> 00:34:03,541
And she comes back,
and she goes, "She's stopped."
619
00:34:04,751 --> 00:34:06,836
I'm like, "She finished, or she stopped?"
620
00:34:09,422 --> 00:34:10,715
She goes, "She stopped."
621
00:34:10,797 --> 00:34:13,967
And I go. "Okay."
I'm like, "Wait, is she allowed to stay?"
622
00:34:14,719 --> 00:34:15,887
And she goes, "Yeah."
623
00:34:17,138 --> 00:34:18,222
I go, "Why?"
624
00:34:19,181 --> 00:34:21,016
And she goes, "Because she stopped."
625
00:34:21,768 --> 00:34:24,562
I go, "I'm sorry,
would I be allowed to stay...
626
00:34:25,730 --> 00:34:29,400
if I was just sitting at your bar,
just kind of toying with the top?
627
00:34:29,484 --> 00:34:30,359
You know, like...
628
00:34:38,076 --> 00:34:40,911
Would you tap me on the shoulder
and be like, 'Excuse me.
629
00:34:41,829 --> 00:34:44,998
Will you put your leaky dick
back in your pants?
630
00:34:46,208 --> 00:34:49,420
Thanks. You want some chicken fingers
or a Sprite or something?'"
631
00:34:50,129 --> 00:34:54,675
I say, "You'd call the SWAT team,
and they would rappel into the building.
632
00:34:54,759 --> 00:34:58,471
Someone would crack my fucking head
on the side of the bar,
633
00:34:58,554 --> 00:35:01,724
and you'd have a parade
as my corpse was carried out."
634
00:35:02,308 --> 00:35:04,393
And she goes, "You're right about that."
635
00:35:07,522 --> 00:35:09,857
[sighs] Maybe I'm overreacting.
I don't know.
636
00:35:10,733 --> 00:35:11,984
I don't jerk off in bars.
637
00:35:13,528 --> 00:35:16,823
Years ago, I wouldn't find it necessary
to make that statement,
638
00:35:16,906 --> 00:35:21,911
but in light of all the recent scandals,
I don't jerk off in bars. Now...
639
00:35:22,912 --> 00:35:25,331
It's another reason
I stopped reading messages from people.
640
00:35:25,414 --> 00:35:28,835
I keep getting messages all the time.
People were like, "Hi, big fan.
641
00:35:28,918 --> 00:35:31,838
Uh, don't sexually assault anyone
642
00:35:31,921 --> 00:35:34,215
so I can still be your fan."
643
00:35:35,049 --> 00:35:35,967
Huh?
644
00:35:37,218 --> 00:35:39,846
First of all, ride or die, bitch.
645
00:35:39,929 --> 00:35:42,223
[crowd laughing, cheering]
646
00:35:42,306 --> 00:35:43,141
Yeah.
647
00:35:49,105 --> 00:35:51,941
I don't want no half-steppers in my crew.
648
00:35:52,024 --> 00:35:52,859
Secondly...
649
00:35:54,443 --> 00:35:57,321
what am I supposed to write back?
"Good looking out, bro.
650
00:35:59,907 --> 00:36:03,077
I was about to
until I read your e-mail, Kyle."
651
00:36:05,329 --> 00:36:06,330
Fuck you, Kyle.
652
00:36:08,457 --> 00:36:11,919
You don't have to worry about me.
I don't jerk off in public. [laughs]
653
00:36:12,420 --> 00:36:13,588
It's not what I'm into.
654
00:36:14,130 --> 00:36:15,464
I'm into something else.
655
00:36:16,424 --> 00:36:17,425
Here's what it is.
656
00:36:17,508 --> 00:36:18,342
Uh...
657
00:36:20,303 --> 00:36:21,220
[laughs]
658
00:36:21,554 --> 00:36:23,264
-You guys are like, "Okay..."
-[woman] Yeah!
659
00:36:23,347 --> 00:36:24,599
-All right, yeah.
-[woman] Yeah!
660
00:36:24,932 --> 00:36:26,893
If you ever want to hear me masturbate...
661
00:36:28,186 --> 00:36:31,647
all you have to do is call me and tell me
662
00:36:31,731 --> 00:36:34,358
you can't make it to our dinner plans.
663
00:36:35,776 --> 00:36:37,987
I'll start stroking right then and there.
664
00:36:39,906 --> 00:36:42,366
I am not social. I fucking love that call.
665
00:36:42,992 --> 00:36:44,744
That is my favorite call. I lo--
666
00:36:44,827 --> 00:36:46,996
Especially if it's
as I'm leaving the house,
667
00:36:47,079 --> 00:36:49,123
I'm gonna have multiple orgasms, okay?
668
00:36:49,957 --> 00:36:51,834
When I'm walking out of the house,
and I'm like,
669
00:36:51,918 --> 00:36:53,544
"I don't want to fucking
go out with them,"
670
00:36:53,628 --> 00:36:55,755
and then they call and they're like,
"We can't make it,"
671
00:36:55,838 --> 00:36:57,757
I'm like, "Keep talking.
672
00:36:59,759 --> 00:37:01,636
Why, why, why, why, why, why, why?"
673
00:37:03,137 --> 00:37:04,847
"Well, we were in a car accident."
674
00:37:04,931 --> 00:37:05,890
I'm like, "Oh.
675
00:37:08,601 --> 00:37:09,518
Are you okay?
676
00:37:09,602 --> 00:37:13,064
You are, but you're still not coming
to dinner. Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay."
677
00:37:15,483 --> 00:37:18,110
"All right, clean it up, Tom."
You got it. So...
678
00:37:19,237 --> 00:37:20,821
So I'm a dad. [snickering]
679
00:37:20,905 --> 00:37:21,781
And, uh...
680
00:37:24,825 --> 00:37:26,994
I, um... I've changed some.
681
00:37:27,787 --> 00:37:29,872
Not too much.
You have to change a little bit.
682
00:37:29,956 --> 00:37:32,750
You know, there's an expression,
"Having kids changes you."
683
00:37:32,833 --> 00:37:35,127
I think...
Personally, I think it should be modified
684
00:37:35,211 --> 00:37:37,505
to, "Having kids should change you."
685
00:37:38,089 --> 00:37:41,133
It's a big-time red flag
when you meet somebody who's like,
686
00:37:41,217 --> 00:37:43,219
"Yeah, I've had four kids.
I haven't changed at all."
687
00:37:43,302 --> 00:37:45,805
You're like, "You're super unstable.
That's good to know."
688
00:37:46,681 --> 00:37:48,182
They don't have to be huge changes.
689
00:37:48,266 --> 00:37:51,477
But, you know,
you kind of evaluate your life
690
00:37:51,560 --> 00:37:52,895
and you make a change.
691
00:37:52,979 --> 00:37:55,690
Me, personally,
I'm very proud of what I changed.
692
00:37:55,773 --> 00:38:00,027
I realized when I had kids,
I had no time, no energy.
693
00:38:00,111 --> 00:38:03,239
I need to edit something out of my life.
You know what I edited out of my life?
694
00:38:03,322 --> 00:38:05,116
Arguing with everyone.
695
00:38:05,199 --> 00:38:08,160
Every friend, every family member.
I just don't engage.
696
00:38:08,244 --> 00:38:10,830
As soon as it starts,
I flip it on them, okay?
697
00:38:10,913 --> 00:38:12,373
As soon as I'm arguing with somebody,
698
00:38:12,456 --> 00:38:14,583
and they're like,
"Yeah, I don't really agree with you,"
699
00:38:14,667 --> 00:38:16,294
I go, "Yep. I'm on your side now."
700
00:38:17,586 --> 00:38:18,546
They're like, "What?"
701
00:38:18,629 --> 00:38:22,008
I go, "As soon as you spoke,
I came around and joined you.
702
00:38:22,842 --> 00:38:24,927
That's how little I want to talk to you."
703
00:38:26,429 --> 00:38:28,389
And I'm free. It feels great. Now...
704
00:38:30,016 --> 00:38:33,644
Not everybody likes it.
I'll tell you, my own mother is not a fan.
705
00:38:33,728 --> 00:38:34,645
[laughs]
706
00:38:34,937 --> 00:38:36,605
She lives for arguing.
707
00:38:36,689 --> 00:38:38,774
There are some people built like that.
708
00:38:38,858 --> 00:38:40,985
She lives for, you know, combative things.
709
00:38:41,068 --> 00:38:44,697
She wants to just fucking stab
and twist, turn. She loves it.
710
00:38:46,240 --> 00:38:48,326
She's also a dream crusher, which is...
711
00:38:49,368 --> 00:38:52,204
my least favorite quality
in a human being.
712
00:38:52,288 --> 00:38:53,372
You know a dream crusher?
713
00:38:53,456 --> 00:38:58,336
The person who, no matter what you say
you want to do or try, they're like,
714
00:38:58,419 --> 00:38:59,337
"Mm-mm.
715
00:39:00,171 --> 00:39:01,047
Not you."
716
00:39:01,130 --> 00:39:03,549
And you're like,
"It's good to have you around," you know?
717
00:39:04,258 --> 00:39:05,801
Those stay with you. Right?
718
00:39:05,885 --> 00:39:09,138
I bet you me just bringing it up
brings them to your own memory.
719
00:39:09,221 --> 00:39:11,390
That's how powerful they are.
I remember...
720
00:39:11,474 --> 00:39:13,976
I do remember telling her,
"I'm going to LA to do stand-up."
721
00:39:14,060 --> 00:39:17,146
This is years ago. I say it to her.
"I'm going to LA to do stand-up."
722
00:39:17,229 --> 00:39:20,941
Her response was... [in Spanish accent]
"You should go to the post office."
723
00:39:23,819 --> 00:39:27,448
I was so naive. I was like, "They do
stand-up shows at the post office?"
724
00:39:28,115 --> 00:39:29,992
She goes...
[in Spanish accent] "No, to work."
725
00:39:30,076 --> 00:39:32,495
I was like,
"Oh, no, stand-up would be the work."
726
00:39:32,578 --> 00:39:34,622
And she goes...
[in Spanish accent] "I understand."
727
00:39:34,705 --> 00:39:37,375
I was like, "Wait a minute.
Am I telling you my dream,
728
00:39:37,458 --> 00:39:39,752
and then you're saying,
'Go be a mailman'?"
729
00:39:40,544 --> 00:39:42,338
And she was like...
[in Spanish accent] "Yes."
730
00:39:43,089 --> 00:39:44,340
Okay. Now I do all right.
731
00:39:44,423 --> 00:39:46,384
You know, I make a good living.
She knows about it.
732
00:39:46,467 --> 00:39:49,303
Obviously. She hits me up for shit
constantly, but...
733
00:39:50,304 --> 00:39:51,680
I still get to have some fun.
734
00:39:51,764 --> 00:39:54,892
Like, do you know what I sent my mother
just a few weeks ago
735
00:39:54,975 --> 00:39:57,061
for her 75th birthday?
736
00:39:57,144 --> 00:40:00,147
A book of fucking stamps. And...
737
00:40:01,649 --> 00:40:04,527
I put a little note in there.
"I got these at work today."
738
00:40:04,610 --> 00:40:05,653
[imitating laughter]
739
00:40:05,736 --> 00:40:07,071
-Like that.
-[crowd cheers]
740
00:40:07,154 --> 00:40:07,988
Yeah.
741
00:40:13,119 --> 00:40:15,454
Don't feel badly.
She gets hooked up. So...
742
00:40:16,872 --> 00:40:18,457
Yeah, she's such a dick, but...
743
00:40:20,334 --> 00:40:21,585
[laughing] She is.
744
00:40:21,669 --> 00:40:23,963
I don't like that dream-crushing shit.
I really don't.
745
00:40:24,046 --> 00:40:25,089
I'm the opposite.
746
00:40:25,172 --> 00:40:26,841
I'm a dream encourager.
747
00:40:26,924 --> 00:40:31,262
If you come to me with a crazy idea,
then I'll really celebrate, okay?
748
00:40:31,345 --> 00:40:35,224
I love people
who have just outrageous dreams.
749
00:40:35,307 --> 00:40:37,935
I've put that out there now.
Now people walk up to me all the time,
750
00:40:38,018 --> 00:40:41,147
like, "I want to open a hot dog stand
where you can buy boots."
751
00:40:41,230 --> 00:40:43,357
I'm like,
"All right, let's figure it out."
752
00:40:45,234 --> 00:40:48,863
I like it, and I'll tell you this,
I want you to have crazy dreams.
753
00:40:48,946 --> 00:40:50,448
I'm serious. I really do.
754
00:40:50,531 --> 00:40:53,826
I'll give you the best advice, sincerely,
not a joke,
755
00:40:53,909 --> 00:40:56,036
that I ever got about pursuing a dream.
756
00:40:56,120 --> 00:40:58,372
And I hope it applies to all of you, okay?
757
00:40:58,456 --> 00:41:01,083
Here's the truth. I think-- This is true.
758
00:41:01,167 --> 00:41:07,173
As long as you accept that your dream
might not go exactly as you plan,
759
00:41:07,256 --> 00:41:10,718
you will still feel fulfilled
by the pursuit of your dream.
760
00:41:10,801 --> 00:41:12,720
So always go after
whatever you want to do.
761
00:41:12,803 --> 00:41:15,222
Otherwise, what's the point in living,
right?
762
00:41:15,306 --> 00:41:16,140
Yeah.
763
00:41:19,852 --> 00:41:23,522
Now, to further that point,
I'll tell you this.
764
00:41:23,606 --> 00:41:26,442
I remember, two years ago,
I'm sitting at a café
765
00:41:26,525 --> 00:41:28,068
in Los Angeles for lunch.
766
00:41:28,152 --> 00:41:29,153
I sit down.
767
00:41:29,236 --> 00:41:30,321
As I sit down,
768
00:41:30,404 --> 00:41:33,532
my friend, I can hear her audibly say,
"I can't believe I'm thinking that."
769
00:41:33,616 --> 00:41:36,076
And I go, "Thinking what?"
And she goes, "Oh, nothing."
770
00:41:36,160 --> 00:41:38,078
I go, "What is it?"
She goes, "It's embarrassing."
771
00:41:38,162 --> 00:41:41,749
And I go, "Just tell me." She goes,
"If I tell you, you'll make fun of me."
772
00:41:41,832 --> 00:41:43,876
And I go,
"I always make fun of you. Just say it."
773
00:41:44,460 --> 00:41:46,504
She goes, "It's just something
I want to keep inside."
774
00:41:46,587 --> 00:41:49,507
I go, "You said you want to do it.
So say it, then you can make it happen."
775
00:41:49,590 --> 00:41:52,510
She goes, "I don't want to." I go,
"If you don't put it out in the universe,
776
00:41:52,593 --> 00:41:54,845
it'll never happen.
You've gotta say it. What is it?"
777
00:41:54,929 --> 00:41:56,096
And she goes, "Okay.
778
00:41:56,180 --> 00:41:58,891
I want to blow somebody
in the Wu-Tang Clan."
779
00:42:06,065 --> 00:42:08,609
Now, I immediately think...
780
00:42:09,360 --> 00:42:11,195
"What would my mom say?" You know?
781
00:42:11,820 --> 00:42:13,989
And I tell myself, "Don't be like Mom.
782
00:42:15,032 --> 00:42:16,408
This is this girl's dream."
783
00:42:22,039 --> 00:42:23,874
So I look her dead in her eyes...
784
00:42:24,542 --> 00:42:26,293
and I go, "You should try.
785
00:42:28,546 --> 00:42:31,215
There's a bunch of them."
That's what I said. Now...
786
00:42:34,718 --> 00:42:36,262
Three months later...
787
00:42:37,012 --> 00:42:38,931
she got on their tour bus...
788
00:42:39,431 --> 00:42:42,101
and she told them, and guess what?
789
00:42:42,184 --> 00:42:44,603
They all accepted.
790
00:42:49,149 --> 00:42:51,360
If you are not familiar,
791
00:42:51,443 --> 00:42:54,154
there are nine guys...
792
00:42:55,030 --> 00:42:56,490
in the Wu-Tang Clan.
793
00:42:56,574 --> 00:42:57,616
Nine.
794
00:42:58,284 --> 00:42:59,577
[laughing] So many guys.
795
00:43:01,328 --> 00:43:02,288
That's so many--
796
00:43:02,371 --> 00:43:04,582
Can we park for a moment...
797
00:43:05,249 --> 00:43:07,084
at how many dicks nine is?
798
00:43:08,919 --> 00:43:11,880
I don't even understand how anyone's
sitting in their seat right now.
799
00:43:13,132 --> 00:43:16,218
There's people out here like, "Hmm,
what else you got?" Are you shitting me?
800
00:43:17,720 --> 00:43:18,596
That's not a lot?
801
00:43:18,679 --> 00:43:19,638
Close your eyes...
802
00:43:21,223 --> 00:43:22,933
and picture nine dicks.
803
00:43:24,101 --> 00:43:25,603
You're like, "God, they're everywhere."
804
00:43:25,686 --> 00:43:27,605
Yeah, 'cause there's nine of them.
That's why.
805
00:43:30,149 --> 00:43:31,609
I'm not slut-shaming.
806
00:43:31,692 --> 00:43:36,196
I'm saying, objectively,
nine is a lot of anything.
807
00:43:37,197 --> 00:43:39,992
Like, if I was like,
"I had cinnamon rolls today."
808
00:43:41,118 --> 00:43:43,203
And you're like, "How many did you have?"
809
00:43:44,330 --> 00:43:45,372
"I had nine."
810
00:43:51,629 --> 00:43:54,256
"You need me to take you
to the emergency room or...?
811
00:43:55,424 --> 00:43:58,218
You're gonna lose a foot by the morning.
We should go."
812
00:43:58,969 --> 00:44:00,346
Nine dicks?
813
00:44:00,429 --> 00:44:02,264
Are you fucking shitting me?
814
00:44:02,848 --> 00:44:06,101
Some of you,
it took you 15 years to get to nine dicks.
815
00:44:06,185 --> 00:44:08,312
This was a Thursday for this young lady.
816
00:44:13,692 --> 00:44:15,569
Try to imagine
817
00:44:15,653 --> 00:44:18,614
the physical labor involved...
818
00:44:19,323 --> 00:44:23,786
with blowing nine
probably not small dicks.
819
00:44:26,330 --> 00:44:31,085
If you're not aware, the Wu-Tang fellas
don't look like me, all right?
820
00:44:33,629 --> 00:44:36,173
That is some CrossFit shit at that level.
821
00:44:37,091 --> 00:44:39,134
If you think burpees are rough, try...
822
00:44:41,637 --> 00:44:43,263
"Am I doing good?
823
00:44:45,015 --> 00:44:46,558
Do you like me now?"
824
00:44:49,228 --> 00:44:53,357
After how many do you think she was like,
"Let's take a little break for a second.
825
00:44:55,150 --> 00:44:56,902
[whimpering]
826
00:44:58,445 --> 00:45:00,114
What the fuck am I doing?
827
00:45:02,741 --> 00:45:05,077
Why are they so mean about it?
[laughs]
828
00:45:08,247 --> 00:45:09,289
How many is that?
829
00:45:09,373 --> 00:45:10,708
Four! Fuck!
830
00:45:13,544 --> 00:45:14,545
Am I done?"
831
00:45:14,628 --> 00:45:16,672
And they're like, "No, you're not done!
832
00:45:17,047 --> 00:45:20,426
U-God, RZA, Rae, Ghost, Meth.
No, you're not done!"
833
00:45:25,222 --> 00:45:27,933
She's like, "But my neck hurts."
834
00:45:28,016 --> 00:45:31,729
And they're like, "You've got to protect
ya neck. Don't you listen to our music?"
835
00:45:32,104 --> 00:45:33,480
[crowd cheering]
836
00:45:38,777 --> 00:45:40,696
Yes. Yes.
837
00:45:40,779 --> 00:45:44,241
That is a top-shelf Wu-Tang blowjob joke.
Now...
838
00:45:45,784 --> 00:45:47,786
[sighs] She was a real animal, you know.
839
00:45:48,370 --> 00:45:51,165
I asked her one time, I was like,
"If you could go back to that day
840
00:45:51,248 --> 00:45:53,959
and do anything differently,
what would you have done?"
841
00:45:54,042 --> 00:45:56,670
And she said, "I'd have skipped lunch."
So...
842
00:45:56,754 --> 00:45:58,088
[crowd groaning, laughing]
843
00:45:58,172 --> 00:45:59,089
Yeah.
844
00:46:01,383 --> 00:46:03,469
Philly girl, what are you gonna do?
Now...
845
00:46:04,386 --> 00:46:05,763
[laughs]
846
00:46:06,138 --> 00:46:09,266
What were we talking about before?
Oh, yeah, my mom. So...
847
00:46:11,393 --> 00:46:13,771
[laughs] Here's how
I stopped arguing with her.
848
00:46:13,854 --> 00:46:17,399
I hope, if you're in a similar situation
with a parent,
849
00:46:17,483 --> 00:46:19,610
you have an epiphany the way I did.
850
00:46:19,693 --> 00:46:22,863
Here's the circumstance, right?
She calls me, late last year.
851
00:46:22,946 --> 00:46:26,033
There were fires in LA. And she goes...
[in Spanish accent] "Tommy..."
852
00:46:26,116 --> 00:46:28,410
She's not local, if you don't know yet.
853
00:46:29,369 --> 00:46:32,331
If you're like, "Why does she
talk so fucking weird?" Uh...
854
00:46:32,706 --> 00:46:33,957
She's from South America.
855
00:46:34,041 --> 00:46:35,626
Peru, to be specific. Okay.
856
00:46:35,709 --> 00:46:36,835
[crowd cheers]
857
00:46:36,919 --> 00:46:40,088
So she calls me, and she goes, "Tommy..."
858
00:46:40,172 --> 00:46:43,592
And I go, "Yeah?"
She goes, "The fires, they are bad?"
859
00:46:43,675 --> 00:46:44,968
And I go, "Yeah.
860
00:46:46,678 --> 00:46:49,014
Usually they're good,
but this is a bad one."
861
00:46:52,976 --> 00:46:55,103
And she goes, "People are dying?"
862
00:46:55,187 --> 00:46:57,022
I go, "If they're in the fire, yeah.
863
00:46:58,524 --> 00:46:59,358
It's fire."
864
00:47:00,609 --> 00:47:02,611
And she lives in Florida, so she goes,
865
00:47:02,694 --> 00:47:06,073
"You have fires, we have hurricanes.
866
00:47:08,158 --> 00:47:09,910
People are dying everywhere."
867
00:47:10,410 --> 00:47:12,120
And I go, "Sounds like
you have the news on.
868
00:47:12,204 --> 00:47:13,997
Is there anything else
you want to report?"
869
00:47:15,499 --> 00:47:18,001
And she goes,
"I think it's happening for a reason."
870
00:47:18,085 --> 00:47:20,671
And I go,
"It is. They're called weather patterns."
871
00:47:21,547 --> 00:47:22,589
And she goes, "No.
872
00:47:23,215 --> 00:47:26,468
I think God is trying to send us...
873
00:47:26,969 --> 00:47:28,011
a message."
874
00:47:29,721 --> 00:47:31,431
That's what I do. I go... [laughs]
875
00:47:33,016 --> 00:47:34,059
I go, "What's the message?"
876
00:47:34,142 --> 00:47:37,938
She goes, "I think he's trying to tell us
to be better people."
877
00:47:38,480 --> 00:47:43,527
You know when somebody says something,
and you can feel with certainty
878
00:47:43,610 --> 00:47:45,362
that you're gonna argue with them?
879
00:47:46,321 --> 00:47:48,866
Like, as words leave their lips,
880
00:47:48,949 --> 00:47:51,118
you're like,
"I'm gonna light you up pretty hard."
881
00:47:54,371 --> 00:47:57,457
I could feel seething anger growing,
882
00:47:57,541 --> 00:48:01,712
and I could hear my own argument
in my head. I could hear my own voice say,
883
00:48:01,795 --> 00:48:06,800
"You mean to tell me that our all-knowing
and all-loving and all-present God
884
00:48:06,884 --> 00:48:09,177
is setting people on fire...
885
00:48:09,845 --> 00:48:13,307
and drowning them in hurricanes
so that we hug more?
886
00:48:13,390 --> 00:48:16,560
This is the stupidest shit
I have ever heard in my entire life."
887
00:48:16,643 --> 00:48:18,645
[crowd cheering, applauding]
888
00:48:21,899 --> 00:48:22,733
But...
889
00:48:23,233 --> 00:48:25,944
right before I said it, I had that moment.
890
00:48:26,028 --> 00:48:28,530
I had that thought where I go,
"What is the point?
891
00:48:28,614 --> 00:48:31,158
Why argue with this demon woman?"
892
00:48:31,241 --> 00:48:32,075
You know?
893
00:48:32,743 --> 00:48:36,038
"Just let Lucifer's sister have her way.
894
00:48:37,539 --> 00:48:39,249
You're not gonna change her mind."
895
00:48:39,333 --> 00:48:42,169
So, for the first time in my life,
I took a deep breath,
896
00:48:42,252 --> 00:48:44,171
and I just went, "Yeah.
897
00:48:45,047 --> 00:48:47,257
I can see why he would do that.
898
00:48:48,175 --> 00:48:50,344
[sighs] Hope he stops killing us."
899
00:48:50,427 --> 00:48:51,637
[forced laughter]
900
00:48:52,554 --> 00:48:54,598
And she knew. She goes, "What?"
901
00:48:58,060 --> 00:49:01,104
I go, "You make a good point,"
and she goes, "Why are you doing this?"
902
00:49:03,523 --> 00:49:06,693
Why are you...
Meaning, "Why aren't you arguing with me?"
903
00:49:06,777 --> 00:49:11,323
I go, "Mom, I don't know. Who cares?
You're right. I'm wrong. So what?"
904
00:49:11,406 --> 00:49:13,617
And she goes, "Tommy, do you know what?"
905
00:49:13,700 --> 00:49:14,868
I go, "What?"
906
00:49:14,952 --> 00:49:17,788
She goes, "I always knew
you were a little bitch, Tommy."
907
00:49:21,959 --> 00:49:23,460
And I go, "What?"
908
00:49:24,127 --> 00:49:26,922
And she goes, "Chao, puto,"
and she hung up the phone.
909
00:49:32,552 --> 00:49:33,679
That's my mother.
910
00:49:35,430 --> 00:49:37,933
Okay, here's how I got her back.
It's pretty fun. Uh...
911
00:49:38,725 --> 00:49:39,893
I never curse her out.
912
00:49:39,977 --> 00:49:42,312
As much as I say crazy things,
I never curse...
913
00:49:42,396 --> 00:49:45,732
Even if I'm really mad, I can't do like,
"Fuck you!" I can't do it.
914
00:49:46,233 --> 00:49:50,070
It doesn't sit right.
I prefer psychological warfare, you know?
915
00:49:50,570 --> 00:49:54,116
Yeah. I like knowing
that I can ask my mother a question,
916
00:49:54,199 --> 00:49:56,743
and the mere mention of that question
917
00:49:56,827 --> 00:49:59,788
might terrorize her mind
for years to come.
918
00:50:00,622 --> 00:50:03,792
So I decided I would ruin one of her days.
919
00:50:03,875 --> 00:50:05,043
So I chose Christmas.
920
00:50:05,127 --> 00:50:06,503
So here's what I did, okay?
921
00:50:07,713 --> 00:50:08,839
[laughing]
922
00:50:09,381 --> 00:50:15,846
Christmas morning, my parents
and their five dogs are at my house.
923
00:50:15,929 --> 00:50:19,266
My mother is in a fantastic mood, okay?
924
00:50:19,349 --> 00:50:22,894
She is a Latina woman
on Christmas morning.
925
00:50:23,729 --> 00:50:26,440
You don't understand
this type of joy, all right?
926
00:50:26,523 --> 00:50:28,316
She's, like, cooking and dancing.
She's like...
927
00:50:28,400 --> 00:50:30,402
[vocalizing]
928
00:50:31,486 --> 00:50:33,989
♪ Baby Jesús is here today ♪
929
00:50:35,240 --> 00:50:37,534
Just doing her spic shit, you know, so...
930
00:50:41,455 --> 00:50:42,372
It's my mom.
931
00:50:42,456 --> 00:50:43,331
Okay, so...
932
00:50:44,750 --> 00:50:45,834
I see her.
933
00:50:46,585 --> 00:50:48,336
[laughing]
934
00:50:49,921 --> 00:50:53,133
Yeah. I go, "Mom."
935
00:50:53,216 --> 00:50:55,260
And she goes, "Yes?"
936
00:50:56,136 --> 00:50:59,222
Like, I could feel the joy coming off her,
937
00:50:59,306 --> 00:51:01,224
and I'm like, "Now's a good time."
938
00:51:02,934 --> 00:51:04,895
I go, "Mom, have you ever thought about
939
00:51:04,978 --> 00:51:07,647
how you're gonna have to bury
each one of those dogs?"
940
00:51:07,731 --> 00:51:09,483
[crowd gasps]
941
00:51:12,402 --> 00:51:14,154
She goes, "Why would you say that?"
942
00:51:15,739 --> 00:51:17,199
And I go, "I don't know."
943
00:51:20,035 --> 00:51:21,411
I go, "Do you ever think about
944
00:51:21,495 --> 00:51:25,165
-what you'll do if Dad dies before you?"
-[woman] Oh, my God!
945
00:51:28,460 --> 00:51:29,878
She goes... [tearfully] "No.
946
00:51:30,587 --> 00:51:32,255
I've never thought about this."
947
00:51:33,131 --> 00:51:35,133
And I go, "Well, I'm asking you, so...
948
00:51:35,717 --> 00:51:36,551
think about it."
949
00:51:38,720 --> 00:51:40,305
And she goes, "I will pray...
950
00:51:40,931 --> 00:51:44,059
and I will hope to die the same day."
951
00:51:45,102 --> 00:51:46,770
I go,
"That'd actually be super convenient.
952
00:51:46,853 --> 00:51:48,021
Like as far as...
953
00:51:48,522 --> 00:51:51,149
planning the funerals
and going over the wills.
954
00:51:51,233 --> 00:51:53,902
If you can pull it off,
I think we'd all be on board."
955
00:51:55,821 --> 00:51:58,073
She goes...
[sobbing] "Merry Christmas, Tom."
956
00:52:00,408 --> 00:52:02,536
I go, "Merry Christmas to you too." And...
957
00:52:03,245 --> 00:52:05,539
my dad is sitting two feet away.
958
00:52:06,248 --> 00:52:09,209
He hasn't heard
one word of the conversation.
959
00:52:09,751 --> 00:52:13,213
He's just in dad mode, checked out,
staring at ceiling lights.
960
00:52:13,296 --> 00:52:14,172
You know, like...
961
00:52:18,135 --> 00:52:20,846
You call his attention,
it just snaps him out of a flashback.
962
00:52:20,929 --> 00:52:22,430
I'm like, "Hey, Dad--" "Yeah!"
963
00:52:23,932 --> 00:52:24,766
Jesus.
964
00:52:29,437 --> 00:52:30,772
I asked him the same thing.
965
00:52:30,856 --> 00:52:31,690
I go, "Hey, man,
966
00:52:31,773 --> 00:52:35,193
have you ever thought about what you'd do
if Mom dies before you?"
967
00:52:35,277 --> 00:52:37,946
He goes, "I like blondes,
and I like big tits, buddy."
968
00:52:43,618 --> 00:52:46,496
"Sounds like you've been
thinking about that quite a bit."
969
00:52:47,372 --> 00:52:48,957
And he goes, "Every night, pal.
970
00:52:49,499 --> 00:52:50,458
Every night."
971
00:52:50,542 --> 00:52:53,920
I'm just like... [laughs]
"You guys have different dreams, I guess."
972
00:52:54,296 --> 00:52:56,006
That guy. Oh, my God.
973
00:52:56,798 --> 00:52:59,384
Nothing like men in their 70s, right?
[groans]
974
00:53:00,135 --> 00:53:02,762
My dad's at that really cool place
in his life
975
00:53:02,846 --> 00:53:07,767
where he says things that are true
that provide relief to no one.
976
00:53:09,352 --> 00:53:12,731
Like, this week I call him up,
and I'm like, "What's up?"
977
00:53:12,814 --> 00:53:15,775
He goes, "You know, gays don't bother me."
And I was like...
978
00:53:17,444 --> 00:53:18,278
"That's good."
979
00:53:19,404 --> 00:53:22,115
He goes, "They're just living their life.
Why would I get upset?"
980
00:53:22,199 --> 00:53:23,700
And I'm like, "I don't know."
981
00:53:27,454 --> 00:53:31,208
And then it's just quiet on the phone.
I'm like, "Are we done talking right now?"
982
00:53:33,043 --> 00:53:36,296
He's like, "No, I'm just thinking."
"Oh, it's fun to listen to...
983
00:53:37,839 --> 00:53:39,341
as you breathe into the..."
984
00:53:39,424 --> 00:53:40,800
[breathing heavily]
985
00:53:42,510 --> 00:53:44,721
And he goes,
"Your mother and I are going on a cruise."
986
00:53:44,804 --> 00:53:46,389
And I go, "Okay, have fun."
987
00:53:46,890 --> 00:53:50,018
And I ask him, I go, "Which cruise line?"
And he goes, "Carnival."
988
00:53:50,101 --> 00:53:52,938
And I'm like, "Wait,
isn't that, like, the party cruise?"
989
00:53:53,146 --> 00:53:54,564
And my dad's response...
990
00:53:55,273 --> 00:53:57,901
I swear on my children...
991
00:53:58,610 --> 00:53:59,819
was, "Buddy,
992
00:53:59,903 --> 00:54:01,571
there's no other way to say it.
993
00:54:02,155 --> 00:54:04,741
I love watching black people have fun."
994
00:54:11,039 --> 00:54:11,873
What?
995
00:54:14,125 --> 00:54:17,671
I mean, we all do, but to say it out loud?
996
00:54:18,713 --> 00:54:19,965
It's fucking crazy.
997
00:54:22,050 --> 00:54:26,680
Can you picture my dad on the aftdeck
of a Carnival cruise, just like...
998
00:54:32,018 --> 00:54:35,188
"Those blacks are having fun.
Let's get some food. This is fun."
999
00:54:36,940 --> 00:54:37,857
[laughs]
1000
00:54:39,651 --> 00:54:41,111
All right, let's get serious.
1001
00:54:42,862 --> 00:54:45,156
Guys, I think it's time
1002
00:54:45,240 --> 00:54:48,451
we have to start taking better care
of the environment.
1003
00:54:49,119 --> 00:54:50,495
All right? Yeah.
1004
00:54:50,578 --> 00:54:51,496
[crowd cheering]
1005
00:54:51,579 --> 00:54:52,414
Absolutely.
1006
00:54:52,998 --> 00:54:57,669
And I think that responsibility
falls on the poor. And here's why.
1007
00:54:59,045 --> 00:55:00,547
You're already in my trash.
1008
00:55:00,630 --> 00:55:02,924
How about you separate
the glass from the plastic?
1009
00:55:03,008 --> 00:55:05,427
[crowd laughing, whistling]
1010
00:55:05,510 --> 00:55:06,469
Yeah.
1011
00:55:07,095 --> 00:55:09,556
It sounds like there's some poor people
over here.
1012
00:55:10,515 --> 00:55:12,642
And that's fucking disgusting. Now...
1013
00:55:15,103 --> 00:55:16,563
Here's what I know for sure.
1014
00:55:17,063 --> 00:55:19,190
Poor people love the Bible, okay?
1015
00:55:21,318 --> 00:55:23,570
And they love it
because it's the only book
1016
00:55:23,653 --> 00:55:25,155
you get for free. Now...
1017
00:55:28,992 --> 00:55:30,702
Try getting another book for free.
1018
00:55:31,202 --> 00:55:32,871
Let me know how that shit goes.
1019
00:55:33,747 --> 00:55:36,374
Can you imagine being so dumb...
1020
00:55:42,464 --> 00:55:45,008
that you're superstitious?
1021
00:55:48,261 --> 00:55:51,348
Imagine being so impossibly stupid.
1022
00:55:51,431 --> 00:55:56,561
Personally, I have nothing but contempt
for all superstitions
1023
00:55:56,644 --> 00:55:58,396
and all superstitious people.
1024
00:55:58,480 --> 00:55:59,481
I hate all of them.
1025
00:55:59,564 --> 00:56:02,400
I hate riding in the car with someone
who's like,
1026
00:56:02,484 --> 00:56:04,694
"We're about to drive over a bridge."
1027
00:56:04,944 --> 00:56:06,363
[gasps, grunting]
1028
00:56:10,867 --> 00:56:13,703
Like, "I'm gonna get out of the car,
and I hope you drive off this bridge.
1029
00:56:13,787 --> 00:56:14,621
I really do."
1030
00:56:15,914 --> 00:56:18,666
They're all dumb. "It's 11:11."
1031
00:56:18,958 --> 00:56:19,959
[imitating laughter]
1032
00:56:21,503 --> 00:56:22,420
"Make a wish."
1033
00:56:22,504 --> 00:56:26,174
I wish you would drink
a smoothie of cyanide and broken rocks.
1034
00:56:26,257 --> 00:56:27,217
That's what I wish.
1035
00:56:30,136 --> 00:56:31,262
They should all upset you,
1036
00:56:31,346 --> 00:56:34,391
but there's one that should make you
march in the streets. I'm serious.
1037
00:56:34,474 --> 00:56:36,559
I cannot believe that we live
1038
00:56:36,643 --> 00:56:40,271
in this incredibly wealthy,
developed nation,
1039
00:56:40,355 --> 00:56:43,233
and, collectively, we all just accept
1040
00:56:43,316 --> 00:56:48,988
that hotels, even some office buildings,
just don't have to have a 13th floor.
1041
00:56:49,072 --> 00:56:50,990
Like, do you understand...
1042
00:56:51,574 --> 00:56:54,661
that we're throwing away
sequential numbers
1043
00:56:54,744 --> 00:56:57,414
because people are like... [muttering]
1044
00:56:59,749 --> 00:57:02,877
You can go to a nice hotel,
the fucking Four Seasons,
1045
00:57:02,961 --> 00:57:05,797
it'll go 12th floor, 14th floor.
1046
00:57:05,880 --> 00:57:08,842
And if you go, "I'm sorry,
why isn't there a 13th floor?"
1047
00:57:08,925 --> 00:57:10,844
"Well, that's a spooky number.
1048
00:57:13,638 --> 00:57:17,559
And if we had it,
there'd be ghosts and goblins up there.
1049
00:57:21,855 --> 00:57:23,356
So we took it away,
1050
00:57:24,149 --> 00:57:25,650
and now it's not so scary."
1051
00:57:27,068 --> 00:57:28,903
And you're like, "Are you fucking Cajun?
1052
00:57:28,987 --> 00:57:31,114
Is that really what we're doing
right now?"
1053
00:57:31,197 --> 00:57:32,740
[crowd cheering]
1054
00:57:33,533 --> 00:57:34,367
I don't know.
1055
00:57:35,285 --> 00:57:36,119
Yeah.
1056
00:57:37,537 --> 00:57:39,581
You guys like that one,
but that Bible one...
1057
00:57:39,664 --> 00:57:40,582
[grunts]
1058
00:57:42,041 --> 00:57:44,878
You pulled back on that.
You guys were like... [grunting]
1059
00:57:50,091 --> 00:57:51,551
"He listens to every show."
1060
00:57:51,634 --> 00:57:52,927
[shushing]
1061
00:57:55,472 --> 00:57:57,098
It's cool.
I talked to him before the show.
1062
00:57:57,182 --> 00:57:59,642
He said it was a good angle.
Don't worry about it. Now...
1063
00:58:00,477 --> 00:58:02,020
[laughing]
1064
00:58:05,064 --> 00:58:08,234
I'm not calling you stupid
if you're religious, okay?
1065
00:58:08,318 --> 00:58:09,194
That's a cheap shot.
1066
00:58:09,277 --> 00:58:11,905
If religion gives you comfort,
I think that's great.
1067
00:58:11,988 --> 00:58:13,865
I would not call you stupid for that.
1068
00:58:13,948 --> 00:58:16,910
I would only call you stupid
if you read your horoscope.
1069
00:58:16,993 --> 00:58:18,536
[laughs] And, uh...
1070
00:58:21,331 --> 00:58:25,502
you make life decisions based on...
1071
00:58:25,585 --> 00:58:27,003
[gibbering]
1072
00:58:28,755 --> 00:58:30,757
...what the planets are doing. [laughs]
1073
00:58:31,132 --> 00:58:35,136
I don't know if you've ever spent time
with one of these non-contributors, but...
1074
00:58:36,221 --> 00:58:38,181
they're usually sharing their wisdom,
1075
00:58:38,264 --> 00:58:41,017
like, "You've got to go for it,
'cause you're a Pisces."
1076
00:58:41,100 --> 00:58:42,227
[gibbering]
1077
00:58:44,270 --> 00:58:45,355
Thanks, Doc.
1078
00:58:45,939 --> 00:58:48,441
Those are the same people
that think it's a miracle
1079
00:58:48,525 --> 00:58:50,527
to share a birthday with someone.
1080
00:58:51,110 --> 00:58:52,695
Like that's a noteworthy event.
1081
00:58:53,530 --> 00:58:55,949
And then you get to explain
how that's not weird.
1082
00:58:56,032 --> 00:58:58,201
"Well, there's a lot of us and...
1083
00:58:59,452 --> 00:59:01,913
not that many options.
It's gonna happen all the time."
1084
00:59:02,539 --> 00:59:04,415
Those people... [groans]
1085
00:59:04,499 --> 00:59:09,629
But the ones who make me
immediately homicidal are...
1086
00:59:10,213 --> 00:59:14,759
people who get excited
about a close-to-each-other birthday.
1087
00:59:15,843 --> 00:59:18,972
As if that is worth wasting a breath on.
1088
00:59:19,931 --> 00:59:21,891
I get this in hotels once a month.
1089
00:59:21,975 --> 00:59:23,393
I check into a hotel,
1090
00:59:23,476 --> 00:59:25,687
the guy will take my ID,
and he'll be like...
1091
00:59:25,770 --> 00:59:26,896
[chuckling]
1092
00:59:28,189 --> 00:59:29,315
"You're April 16th?
1093
00:59:29,816 --> 00:59:30,900
I'm April 3rd."
1094
00:59:37,031 --> 00:59:40,660
I go, "Hold on a second!
1095
00:59:43,037 --> 00:59:44,289
You mean to tell me...
1096
00:59:45,665 --> 00:59:47,041
two weeks...
1097
00:59:47,917 --> 00:59:49,335
before I was born...
1098
00:59:50,378 --> 00:59:51,337
you were born?
1099
00:59:53,673 --> 00:59:55,675
-[moans]
-[crowd cheering, screaming]
1100
00:59:59,220 --> 01:00:00,179
[man howls]
1101
01:00:00,513 --> 01:00:02,432
-[crowd whistling]
-[grunting]
1102
01:00:07,353 --> 01:00:10,440
Yeah. I've got panty pudding now."
1103
01:00:13,234 --> 01:00:14,819
Panty pudding?
1104
01:00:15,445 --> 01:00:16,696
[groaning]
1105
01:00:16,779 --> 01:00:17,739
Gross.
1106
01:00:19,115 --> 01:00:21,409
I remember the girl who said it. It was...
1107
01:00:22,327 --> 01:00:24,329
2002 and...
1108
01:00:25,288 --> 01:00:27,165
a lot of you will not like this.
1109
01:00:29,000 --> 01:00:34,172
But that year, Ohio State won
the national championship in football.
1110
01:00:34,255 --> 01:00:35,965
[crowd cheering, booing]
1111
01:00:36,716 --> 01:00:41,387
Whoa. It's almost like you care more
about football than the Bible.
1112
01:00:41,471 --> 01:00:42,388
But anyway...
1113
01:00:42,472 --> 01:00:44,724
[crowd cheering, applauding]
1114
01:00:47,393 --> 01:00:48,227
I know.
1115
01:00:48,311 --> 01:00:50,188
Boo, history. Anyway...
1116
01:00:51,272 --> 01:00:52,398
I was with this girl.
1117
01:00:52,482 --> 01:00:54,359
I met her the day after the game.
1118
01:00:54,442 --> 01:00:57,320
She was from Columbus,
where the school is located.
1119
01:00:57,403 --> 01:00:59,530
I said something casually. I just said it.
1120
01:00:59,614 --> 01:01:03,576
I was like, "Oh, you're from Columbus?
You guys won the title. Are you excited?"
1121
01:01:03,660 --> 01:01:07,914
And she goes, "Excited?
I've got panty pudding."
1122
01:01:09,207 --> 01:01:10,375
And I was like...
1123
01:01:10,667 --> 01:01:11,668
[groans]
1124
01:01:13,628 --> 01:01:16,255
And then I fucked her because...
1125
01:01:17,340 --> 01:01:19,592
she was a dirty girl, all right?
1126
01:01:19,676 --> 01:01:21,761
And she was not lying.
1127
01:01:21,844 --> 01:01:24,472
That shit was like tapioca.
You had to scoop it out.
1128
01:01:25,556 --> 01:01:26,766
Over your shoulder.
1129
01:01:28,559 --> 01:01:30,770
Do you think Cosby still eats pudding?
1130
01:01:34,315 --> 01:01:40,947
I often wonder if he has maintained
his sense of humor on the inside.
1131
01:01:41,030 --> 01:01:44,784
Do you think he teases the fellas
on the way to the shower?
1132
01:01:45,535 --> 01:01:49,288
Do you think he's like, "Hey, don't put
your pudding pop in my raisin cake."
1133
01:01:55,378 --> 01:01:56,212
Like that?
1134
01:02:00,925 --> 01:02:03,386
And they're like,
"Man, Bill's crazy as shit, huh?
1135
01:02:04,137 --> 01:02:06,472
Let me get a cigarette, Bill!"
All right, so...
1136
01:02:07,598 --> 01:02:08,433
[laughs]
1137
01:02:10,393 --> 01:02:11,602
You can tell I like you.
1138
01:02:13,104 --> 01:02:14,105
Yeah. You know why?
1139
01:02:14,188 --> 01:02:16,858
'Cause I told you an old sex story
from my life.
1140
01:02:16,941 --> 01:02:18,901
I think, 100% of the time
when that happens,
1141
01:02:18,985 --> 01:02:22,363
when somebody tells you an old story
like that from their life,
1142
01:02:22,447 --> 01:02:25,158
it's because they like you
and they seek your approval.
1143
01:02:25,700 --> 01:02:27,410
-[crowd cheering]
-Yeah. Absolutely. Dude...
1144
01:02:28,619 --> 01:02:30,455
Who tells you the best stories?
1145
01:02:30,538 --> 01:02:32,790
It's always people newish to your life.
1146
01:02:32,874 --> 01:02:35,585
Why? Because they're giving you
the best they've got.
1147
01:02:35,668 --> 01:02:37,170
They want to impress you.
1148
01:02:37,253 --> 01:02:40,590
Who tells you the worst stories?
Your best friends.
1149
01:02:42,383 --> 01:02:44,844
They know you're not going anywhere.
Your best friends are like,
1150
01:02:44,927 --> 01:02:47,388
"I fucked my wife,"
and you're like, "Shut up.
1151
01:02:49,140 --> 01:02:51,851
We're about to eat. I know her.
Shut the fuck up, man."
1152
01:02:52,852 --> 01:02:54,353
Then they're like, "It's a good story."
1153
01:02:54,437 --> 01:02:56,731
"Okay, what?"
"Well, she didn't really want to do it."
1154
01:02:57,732 --> 01:03:00,985
[sighs] "But I kept bothering her
and bothering her.
1155
01:03:02,153 --> 01:03:03,696
And she finally broke down.
1156
01:03:04,614 --> 01:03:06,032
She really just laid still."
1157
01:03:06,115 --> 01:03:08,868
You're like, "What are you? Ted Bundy?
This is a terrible story."
1158
01:03:10,745 --> 01:03:12,872
I'll tell you a fun story, all right?
1159
01:03:12,955 --> 01:03:17,627
When I first got to LA, many years ago,
I met a girl in a bar.
1160
01:03:17,710 --> 01:03:19,253
She took me back to her place.
1161
01:03:19,337 --> 01:03:22,089
We started messing around.
I signed the consent forms.
1162
01:03:23,549 --> 01:03:24,884
We start messing around.
1163
01:03:24,967 --> 01:03:27,762
As we're doing it, she reaches around,
1164
01:03:27,845 --> 01:03:29,931
she puts a finger in me, and I go...
1165
01:03:30,014 --> 01:03:30,932
[gasps]
1166
01:03:31,849 --> 01:03:33,684
And she goes, "Mmm?"
1167
01:03:34,894 --> 01:03:36,813
And I go, "Oh, yeah."
1168
01:03:40,024 --> 01:03:42,276
That's it. That's the end of the story.
Right.
1169
01:03:46,030 --> 01:03:47,532
Go for your dreams. [laughs]
1170
01:03:48,741 --> 01:03:52,495
I do mean that. I know it sounds cheesy,
but I don't mean it to. I just...
1171
01:03:52,578 --> 01:03:53,996
Here's why I think about it so much.
1172
01:03:54,080 --> 01:03:57,083
I meet so many people. Okay?
I meet way more people than you.
1173
01:03:57,542 --> 01:03:58,459
Um...
1174
01:03:58,751 --> 01:04:00,127
It's not even close. So...
1175
01:04:01,212 --> 01:04:03,297
Here's the thing.
People usually say nice things to me.
1176
01:04:03,381 --> 01:04:05,633
They're like, "Thanks for coming.
I had a good time."
1177
01:04:05,716 --> 01:04:09,595
Conversations naturally will turn,
and I'll ask somebody, "What do you do?"
1178
01:04:09,679 --> 01:04:11,639
Do you know what I hear
like 98% of the time?
1179
01:04:11,722 --> 01:04:14,058
They'll be like,
"It fucking sucks. I hate it."
1180
01:04:14,642 --> 01:04:16,352
Then I go,
"Why don't you do something else?"
1181
01:04:16,435 --> 01:04:19,689
They go, "It's too late. My life's fucked.
Good to meet you, man" and they walk away.
1182
01:04:20,314 --> 01:04:21,858
Yeah, that sits in my head.
1183
01:04:22,441 --> 01:04:23,442
So I think about it.
1184
01:04:23,526 --> 01:04:26,863
But I have advice. This is the advice
that I hope you'll leave with, all right?
1185
01:04:26,946 --> 01:04:30,157
This is it. You just need to learn
to do one thing really well.
1186
01:04:30,241 --> 01:04:31,075
And it's this.
1187
01:04:31,158 --> 01:04:34,412
You need to learn
to manage your expectations.
1188
01:04:34,495 --> 01:04:37,290
It's not an innate thing you're born with.
It's a skill.
1189
01:04:37,373 --> 01:04:39,542
If you work at it, you'll get good at it.
1190
01:04:39,625 --> 01:04:43,254
The more you manage your expectations,
you'll feel more fulfilled,
1191
01:04:43,337 --> 01:04:45,923
less depressed, happier overall.
1192
01:04:46,549 --> 01:04:49,218
I'll share with you
my life's greatest disappointment,
1193
01:04:49,302 --> 01:04:51,345
which, in retrospect, is my fault.
1194
01:04:51,429 --> 01:04:53,389
I didn't know it at the time. I do now.
1195
01:04:53,472 --> 01:04:56,267
And I'm gonna tell you
it's gonna be upsetting to some people.
1196
01:04:56,851 --> 01:05:00,354
But hopefully, we can use it
as a learning tool, so...
1197
01:05:01,314 --> 01:05:03,232
Here's what it is, all right? [groans]
1198
01:05:03,316 --> 01:05:07,945
I think that sixty-nining is overrated,
and it sucks.
1199
01:05:08,404 --> 01:05:10,072
[crowd cheering, applauding]
1200
01:05:10,656 --> 01:05:12,992
Yeah. Yeah, you see that?
Some people clap.
1201
01:05:13,075 --> 01:05:15,661
Some people are like, "Arrest this man."
But listen.
1202
01:05:16,913 --> 01:05:19,123
The story of why is more important.
1203
01:05:19,206 --> 01:05:21,334
Do you remember
when you first heard about it? I do.
1204
01:05:21,417 --> 01:05:24,170
I was in third grade.
And that's too young. All right?
1205
01:05:25,338 --> 01:05:27,965
One of the older kids told me,
and I was like, "What?
1206
01:05:29,342 --> 01:05:30,676
At the same time?"
1207
01:05:32,303 --> 01:05:34,847
I almost had a seizure.
I didn't know what he was saying.
1208
01:05:35,306 --> 01:05:38,184
I didn't even have references
so I could pretend like I understood.
1209
01:05:38,267 --> 01:05:41,187
I was like, "That's like eating
a cheeseburger covered in ice cream
1210
01:05:41,270 --> 01:05:43,356
while you're taking a shit or something."
1211
01:05:45,107 --> 01:05:47,526
And he was like,
"That's exactly what it's like."
1212
01:05:48,903 --> 01:05:50,363
From that day on, I was hooked.
1213
01:05:50,446 --> 01:05:54,408
When I tell you I was obsessed,
I was obsessed.
1214
01:05:54,492 --> 01:05:56,202
I'm not saying it for a story.
1215
01:05:56,285 --> 01:05:58,913
It is all I talked about, thought about,
dreamt about,
1216
01:05:58,996 --> 01:06:01,499
sung about, joked about,
"Sixty-nine, sixty-nine, sixty-nine..."
1217
01:06:01,582 --> 01:06:04,669
Every notebook in school, I was like,
"Sixty-nine, sixty-nine, sixty-nine..."
1218
01:06:04,877 --> 01:06:07,630
Every sports team I was on,
I was like, "I'm number 69!"
1219
01:06:09,006 --> 01:06:10,883
They were like,
"This is fifth grade basketball.
1220
01:06:10,967 --> 01:06:12,593
Why don't you chill out, buddy?"
1221
01:06:13,928 --> 01:06:16,180
Every birthday, Christmas,
my dad'd go, "What do you want?"
1222
01:06:16,263 --> 01:06:19,767
I'd go, "I want a sixty-nine."
He'd go, "Shut up and stop saying that!"
1223
01:06:20,184 --> 01:06:22,144
And I was like, "No!" Defiant. "No!"
1224
01:06:22,770 --> 01:06:26,107
"Sixty-nine, sixty-nine. It's gonna be
the best. Be the best. Sixty-nine.
1225
01:06:26,190 --> 01:06:29,276
It'll be like smoking meth
out of God's dick. I want to do it."
1226
01:06:30,695 --> 01:06:33,531
And I built it up, and I built it up,
and I built it up,
1227
01:06:33,614 --> 01:06:36,492
and when I finally got to do it,
I finally got to do it,
1228
01:06:36,575 --> 01:06:39,787
you know what the first thing I said was?
"Get off me. All right?"
1229
01:06:40,955 --> 01:06:41,998
My neck hurts.
1230
01:06:42,498 --> 01:06:44,417
I can't get my nose out of the way.
1231
01:06:45,918 --> 01:06:47,837
Does it feel good?
It feels like I'm working.
1232
01:06:47,920 --> 01:06:51,340
All right, it'd feel better
if you flipped over and polished me off,
1233
01:06:51,424 --> 01:06:52,675
and then I'll do you.
1234
01:06:52,758 --> 01:06:55,428
Why's it got to be at the same time?
1235
01:06:55,636 --> 01:06:57,304
Are we late for something?
1236
01:07:02,018 --> 01:07:02,935
Uh...
1237
01:07:04,353 --> 01:07:07,940
Is the youth pastor coming back
in a few minutes?
1238
01:07:09,275 --> 01:07:13,362
Let's take turns,
like we learned in kindergarten.
1239
01:07:14,447 --> 01:07:17,199
What type of maniac sixty-nines
as an adult?
1240
01:07:17,283 --> 01:07:18,492
I mean, if you're a guy,
1241
01:07:18,576 --> 01:07:20,911
I hope you're at least
a gentleman about it
1242
01:07:20,995 --> 01:07:22,371
and you lay on your back
1243
01:07:22,455 --> 01:07:26,500
and you're not one of these savage
fucking pigs...
1244
01:07:28,627 --> 01:07:31,005
who's like, "I prefer this angle.
1245
01:07:32,256 --> 01:07:35,468
And then you can hear the fight to live
underneath you."
1246
01:07:37,511 --> 01:07:39,513
[gagging]
1247
01:07:40,514 --> 01:07:44,185
And you're like, "Yeah, that feels good."
I bet it fucking does feel good.
1248
01:07:44,852 --> 01:07:47,938
As you're throating that poor lady
underneath you.
1249
01:07:48,439 --> 01:07:52,276
I don't think there's
a more horrific picture I can paint...
1250
01:07:53,319 --> 01:07:56,197
than that of a woman, a lovely woman...
1251
01:07:56,280 --> 01:07:59,325
Like, picture your mom
laying on her back...
1252
01:08:00,826 --> 01:08:04,622
in anticipation of sixty-nining
from the bottom.
1253
01:08:05,456 --> 01:08:07,500
And she's like, "What the fuck?"
1254
01:08:08,542 --> 01:08:10,503
And she's got that look on her face,
1255
01:08:10,586 --> 01:08:13,506
like, "Is the search party
gonna find me here?"
1256
01:08:14,423 --> 01:08:17,093
And then a man, a disgusting man...
1257
01:08:19,136 --> 01:08:21,889
like me, is like,
"Well, saddle up. Here we go."
1258
01:08:23,849 --> 01:08:25,975
There's dingleberries and lint.
1259
01:08:26,935 --> 01:08:29,939
And here's your mom, and I'm like...
[grunting]
1260
01:08:30,314 --> 01:08:31,148
[laughs]
1261
01:08:31,232 --> 01:08:34,693
And then, if I do that,
I hear, "What's on my forehead?"
1262
01:08:36,529 --> 01:08:38,029
And I'm like, "That's my gut.
1263
01:08:38,113 --> 01:08:39,115
[laughs]
1264
01:08:40,116 --> 01:08:42,493
That's Daddy's wet trash bag gut."
1265
01:08:43,577 --> 01:08:45,996
Austin, you were a blast.
Thanks for coming out tonight.
1266
01:08:46,080 --> 01:08:48,332
-Appreciate it very much.
-[crowd cheering]
1267
01:08:48,415 --> 01:08:50,792
See you next time. Good night.
See you, buddy.
1268
01:08:51,417 --> 01:08:53,587
["Protect Ya Neck"
by Wu-Tang Clan playing]
1269
01:08:53,671 --> 01:08:54,964
♪ You best protect ya neck ♪
1270
01:08:55,046 --> 01:08:56,465
♪ Wu-Tang Clan comin' at you ♪
1271
01:08:56,549 --> 01:08:58,551
♪ Watch your step, kid
Watch your step, kid ♪
1272
01:08:58,634 --> 01:09:00,553
♪ Watch your step, kid
Watch your step, kid ♪
1273
01:09:00,636 --> 01:09:03,389
-♪ Watch your step, kid ♪
-♪ The Inspectah Deck ♪
1274
01:09:03,471 --> 01:09:05,599
♪ I smoke on the mic
Like Smokin' Joe Frazier ♪
1275
01:09:05,683 --> 01:09:08,310
♪ The hell-raiser
Raising hell with the flavor ♪
1276
01:09:08,394 --> 01:09:10,563
♪ Terrorize the jam
Like troops in Pakistan ♪
1277
01:09:10,645 --> 01:09:13,189
♪ Swinging through your town
Like your neighborhood Spider-Man ♪
1278
01:09:13,274 --> 01:09:15,192
♪ So, uh, ticktock and keep ticking ♪
1279
01:09:15,276 --> 01:09:17,569
♪ While I get you flipping
Off the sh** I'm kicking ♪
1280
01:09:17,653 --> 01:09:20,072
♪ The Lone Ranger, code red, danger ♪
1281
01:09:20,156 --> 01:09:22,867
♪ Deep in the dark with the art
To rip the charts apart ♪
1282
01:09:22,950 --> 01:09:24,577
♪ The vandal, too hot to handle ♪
1283
01:09:24,660 --> 01:09:27,162
♪ You battle, you're saying goodbye
Like Tevin Campbell ♪
1284
01:09:27,246 --> 01:09:29,290
♪ Roughneck, Inspectah Deck's on the set ♪
1285
01:09:29,372 --> 01:09:31,667
♪ The rebel, I make more noise
Than heavy metal ♪
1286
01:09:31,750 --> 01:09:33,460
♪ The way I make the crowd go wild ♪
1287
01:09:33,544 --> 01:09:35,337
♪ Sit back, relax, won't smile ♪
1288
01:09:35,421 --> 01:09:39,049
♪ Rae got it going on, pal
Call me the rap assassinator ♪
1289
01:09:39,133 --> 01:09:41,343
♪ Rhymes rugged
And built like Schwarzenegger ♪
1290
01:09:41,426 --> 01:09:43,470
♪ And I'mma get mad deep like a threat ♪
1291
01:09:43,554 --> 01:09:46,640
♪ Blow up your project
Then take all your assets ♪
1292
01:09:46,724 --> 01:09:48,767
♪ 'Cause I came to shake
The frame in half ♪
1293
01:09:48,850 --> 01:09:50,895
♪ With the thoughts
That bomb shit like math ♪
1294
01:09:50,978 --> 01:09:53,439
♪ So if you wanna try to flip
Go flip on the next man ♪
1295
01:09:53,522 --> 01:09:55,191
♪ 'Cause I grab the clip and ♪
1296
01:09:55,274 --> 01:09:57,568
♪ Hit you with 16 shots and more, I got ♪
1297
01:09:57,651 --> 01:09:59,945
♪ Going to war with the melting pot, hot ♪
1298
01:10:00,029 --> 01:10:02,281
♪ It's the Method Man
For short "Mr. Meth" ♪
1299
01:10:02,364 --> 01:10:04,575
♪ Moving on your left, ah ♪