Happy New Year!
[man 1] I've not had any drugs.
This man has definitely had a bag of drugs.
Shots, shots!
We're working and you're doing shots?
-No, as if. -The wedding’s off.
We’ll have to think of a different way
I can stay in the country.
You know, he’s got a bench with her name on it.
Shit, Wendy, we've done something bad!
-Oh! -Fuck!
Maybe, don’t rush into anything with anyone new.
[funky music playing]
[Woman] I've got a guy in a coma.
I told you we should have stayed.
-It doesn’t look good. -[siren wailing]
[crowd chanting]
-[ball bouncing] -[grunting]
Oh, love football man.
I almost went pro, you know, I had trials and everything.
I used to go to football all the time. I loved it.
The crowd, the chanting, wanker, wanker, wanker!
Yo, what are you doing, you know mad thing, don’t do that?
I can’t help it. That’s why I had to stop going to Forest.
I should be in there, man. The boys need me,
I’m just here missing all the action.
Action? At Palace, I doubt it.
You're shit, you're shit, you're shit, you're shit!
Wendy, do you want to get bottled fem? Stop doing that.
-[laughing] -It’s not funny.
Come on, Palace!
-[ball bounces on cab's roof] -[Wendy] Oh!
-It was Wendy. -It wasn’t me!
Come back here, oh, you coward.
You're going home in Wendy’s ambulance.
[opening theme music plays]
[music plays from the radio]
[chair scraping on the floor]
Flight’s booked, mail redirected,
horse riding lessons canceled.
It’s really happening. We're both moving to Australia.
Unless you don’t get your visa.
That’s not gonna happen.
-[both laughs] -[cellphone dings]
Oh, got an e-mail. Thirty percent off at Gap.
Oh, no!
But you love Gap?
-I didn’t get my visa. -No!
Oh, it’s great about Gap though.
Yeah, it’s a really good discount.
Yeah, I mean 25 percent is generous
but 30 percent, that’s a steal.
Heart breaking about the visa though.
[crowd chanting]
I called into the hospital about Jack,
you know, the lad from New Years.
Still no change.
Look, I don’t wanna talk about that.
Well, I do.
We’re under investigation.
For what? For doing our jobs?
It’s hard enough this shit we have to put up with
and now we're being investigated
for doing nothing wrong. Low it.
We missed a heart attack and now a patient’s in a coma.
Look, Wendy, the whole point of us signing up for today
was a distraction, right?
I don’t wanna think about that stuff.
Well, it’s all I can think about.
I keep replaying it over and over.
Well, fast forward to the bit where they say,
we did nothing wrong, Maleek is a genuine hero
and we're gonna put him on the...
the London Ambulance buff thing calendar.
Oh, not the calendar again.
Whoa, why do firemen just get calendars?
We deserve one.
Look, if there’s anything you want to say
about what happened,
anything that could come back at us
anything that you regret doing or taking?
Wendy!
Read my lips. I don’t want to talk about it.
[crowd cheering in a distant]
I should be in there where the action is, man.
Do you know what, bang this, we're getting in.
How?
Look, just stick with me and... And be cool.
I said be cool.
[music from the radio playing]
Since when did Jo let people have the radio on?
Oh, Jo’s not been in since New Year.
I think she’s avoiding the depot since I ruined everything.
[sighs] Well that sounds like you're catastrophizing.
I’m sure whatever happened wasn’t that bad.
At New Year’s Jo kissed me and I didn’t kiss her back.
I just froze and stood there with my mouth shut
while she kept on kissing me.
-Shit. -I wasn’t expecting it.
Now, I don't know, she’s probably feeling...
Humiliated, depressed,
spiraling in a mix of shame and self-recrimination.
I was gonna say bad.
Yeah, bad, she is probably feeling bad.
I had no idea she was interested in me in that way.
Really, no idea?
You'd have thought she’d have given off some sort of signal.
And after what you said,
well, I didn’t wanna hurt her, you know.
Yeah, I can see where what I said
might have, uh... Okay, shit.
I really need to talk to her.
Hmm, she’s not picking up her phone.
She didn’t even reply to my text when I told her that tennis
was a more physically demanding sport than rugby.
[sighs]
It just totally scrambled my brain.
The idea that Jo is into me.
It’s like finding a whole new room in your house
that you didn’t know was there.
A door hidden behind a fog of grief leading to a hallway
of mirrors and reflections and memories.
You know.
[clears throat]
-[upbeat music playing] -[siren wailing]
[dog barking in a distance]
Gawd, when are people gonna learn? Exercise kills.
[panting]
Yeah, that looks pretty dislocated.
We're gonna have to take you in.
Not you. I want a British doctor.
Whoa. [chuckles]
Yeah, and I want a patient who isn’t a racist prick.
But it looks like we both missed out.
Kareshma and I are both British
and we're not doctors, we're paramedics.
Well, technically,
I’m a paramedic and she’s a technician.
'Cause when you start out as a trainee--
It’s alright Gary, you can treat him.
Yeah, you give him that good British medicine.
I’m gonna go get us some coffees with your tax money.
Ooh!
[upbeat music playing]
[Lawrence] I just have no idea
that she had these feelings for me.
I don't know why she’s so difficult to read.
Like an ancient language or braille.
Bro.
Now she probably thinks I don’t care about her at all.
-But what was I supposed to do? -[machine whirring]
It’s like she’s been wearing a mask.
[machine continues whirring]
Maybe we all are.
Maybe all of life is just one big masquerade,
each of us trapped, trapped behind our shield. Too afra...
-[crowd cheers in a distance] -[Maleek] Yes, my brudda.
What’s good, you good, yeah, everything yeah, oh, right.
look, we need to get in there.
Where’s your pass?
You know the ambulance is the pass.
Oh, come on, bruv. I’m not your bruv.
Chill, man, what if there’s an emergency in there?
No. I don’t come to the front door where you live
and say, "Oh, oh, let me in."
You don’t live here. You don’t where I live.
Well, I know you don’t live in Selhurst Park.
Hey, hey, hey, so you want to know where I live,
so you can come and arrest my people?
-No! -No, we're not the police.
-That’s what police will say. -Why you being such a jobsworth?
You think cause you're wearing that dead high viz
you're some kind of bad man?
Right, you need to move away, now!
Okay, now! Move away or arrest me, hey.
I told you already, we're not the flipping police.
Got to take this guy in. You two take our spots,
corner of the home cell and Arthur Wait.
-Take your spot, yeah? -Yeah.
Take your spot? Oh, oh, oh, my gee!
[chuckles]
-A while bitch. -Man, get up.
Close the gates!
Close the gates.
[upbeat music playing]
I've got him on the stretcher.
I’m sorry I didn’t stand up for you more.
[Gary] I should have done something.
What are you doing?
I’m taking the knee in support.
Oh, thanks, Gary.
Thank you, I really, really appreciate that.
Oh, my God, BBC News say racism’s just ended.
They don’t know what’s done it
but do you think you taking the knee has...
I just want to help.
You shouldn’t have to put up with this.
No. I shouldn’t, but I do, Gary, a lot.
Yeah, and it’s not just patients,
it’s hospital staff, nurses, colleagues.
I think it’s amazing that you turn the other cheek.
No, I always get revenge.
Yeah, I key their cars or spit in their tea
or find out where their girlfriend works,
take their girlfriend out for a drink, date their girlfriend
get their girlfriend into Scientology.
We should refuse to treat him.
Why?
Oh, is that to make... To make you feel better?
[upbeat music playing]
Sorry, you, Angela speaking.
I’m on edge here Angela.
Angela, he hasn’t blinked for ages,
that’s how you know he’s getting really wound up.
My colleague here is a citizen
that any country would be lucky to have.
Oh, well, his criminal record disqualifies him from a visa.
Oh, no, um, I didn’t write it down cause I--
I didn’t think you’d know.
Yeah, we still know.
We’re the government, we have these things called files.
You've got a criminal record?
Yeah.
[crowd cheering]
Come on, Palace!
Excuse me, somebody’s fallen, can you come with me?
Come on, Maleek.
[crowd chanting and cheering]
Just when we got a free kick as well, man.
He looks bad.
Let me check him.
You better check yourself. I take the lead.
Well, you know, it might not be such a bad idea if I did
while we're under investigation.
It wouldn’t be a bad idea
if you stopped undermining me at my job.
I did everything right. Now step off.
Fine, Maleek’s just gonna check you over ducky.
Oh, he doesn’t look very well.
Anything I can do at all?
Wendy, you speak old white person,
please get this man out of here?
Can you please just step back, Sir?
I thought you might like a hand.
What is this, question Maleek day or something?
Big man, I know what I’m doing. You see these hands?
These are healing hands.
Now unless you're some sort of brain surgeon
or something, you need to move.
So, no, I am actually a brain surgeon.
Alistair McBeal, senior clinical fellow in neurosurgery at Kings.
Oh.
Oh, well, right, well, um, well, please step in.
Wendy, why are you letting this ghost-looking man
look after our patient?
'Cause he’s better qualified than us.
The last time this brother looked at medicine
was in the war.
Look, he’s probably gonna put leeches on our guy.
[laughing]
That’s very funny.
Uh, no, I am actually extremely competent at my job.
Oh, it sounds like something’s happened.
Oh, why don’t you go and watch the game
and let me and Alistair deal with this?
Okay, cool.
Man’s gonna do that.
But it’s not because of the football,
I’m just gonna prove to you that you can’t do this
without calling for my help.
So...
Anything you need, doctor?
Should be fine.
[upbeat music playing]
We need to talk.
[sighs]
Fine, but no therapying me.
-Beer? -I’m a recovering alcoholic.
Well, it’s only four percent, it’s not Stella or anything.
Do you have anything non-alcoholic?
Sure. Great.
Oh, milk, great, thanks.
Okay.
So, George.
I know what happened at New Year’s
-and full disclosure. -Yep.
I may have advised Lawrence
not to rush into anything with you.
And I feel really terrible about it.
It was bitchy and spiteful but I just...
I needed you to know.
Please don’t hit me.
[Jo grunts]
Ow!
You snakey cow.
Alright, yes, it was underhanded and petty.
But that’s why I’m here, Jo.
I’m so sorry.
It’s not all your fault I guess.
He chose to reject me. He’s the prick here.
You’re just a bit less of a prick, but still a prick.
Thanks.
You can see yourself out, George.
Your sofa’s like a rock by the way.
Yeah, it’s, uh, sort of a bench.
For Karen who loved this spot. Who’s Karen?
Lawrence’s dead wife.
Not as insane as it seems, George, um, yeah.
I just stole it cause, uh, she was cockblocking me
from the grave. It actually does sound insane.
Wendy helped.
[sighs] You were never gonna tell me
that you've got a criminal record?
-I didn’t think it mattered. -You didn’t think it mattered
that our entire relationship is built on a hill of lies?
I was embarrassed.
I was done for indecent exposure.
You're a flasher?
No. It was years ago.
I was seeing this girl and we was out
and one thing led to another,
I wanted to take things to the next level
-if you know what I mean? -Yeah.
No.
We wanted to have sex.
Oh!
But we didn’t really have anywhere to go,
so we kind of did our business in the park
and got caught by the police.
You can’t ban a man from a country for that!
Getting your cock out in public’s frowned upon.
We live in strange times.
-[upbeat music playing] -[engine revving]
[music continue to play]
Why is it still here?
Ah, I forgot, to be honest.
Ah, I don’t have people over, so no one’s sat on it.
No biggie.
-You stole a memorial bench. -Yeah.
-To get back at a dead woman -Yeah.
For cock-blocking you.
God.
Oh, God, I am mental, aren’t I?
Is that why you're here, am I being sanctioned?
The outside of the big net.
You're not mental, you're not being sanctioned,
don’t use big net,
but you do see that having this bench is not rational?
I know it’s not rational but it’s Loz.
Rational goes out the window
when I’m staring into that beautiful mustache.
I just think,
why can’t you sag off your dead wife and see me?
Okay, you need to stop focusing on Lawrence,
he’s holding you back. You need to focus on Jo.
-Who’s he? -You.
Oh, [gasps].
Now, you've got loads of good things in your life, right?
-You’ve got a good job. -True.
I am bloody good at my job.
Yes, you are.
[upbeat music playing]
[engine revving]
[metal clanking]
Ow, careful, ow.
Ow! Careful!
It hurts when you bang it.
Can you understand what I’m saying, love?
Right, I’m sorry, but I've had it.
You are not speaking to my colleague like that.
She is a great medic.
Well, a good one.
And she deserves respect and civility at the very least.
So, you are going to apologise or we are going nowhere.
[whistles]
-Piss off ginger. -Okay.
[clears throat]
Gary, don’t worry. It’s fine.
No, it’s not.
You shouldn’t have to put up with that.
Wait.
[keys rattling]
Why don’t you drive?
-[happy music playing] -[car horn honking]
Sorry, I’m not used to the roads in this country.
-[tires screeching] -[patient screams]
Woman drivers hey, what are we like?
-[screams] -[tires screeching]
[screaming]
-[loud bump] -[music continue to play]
[Kareshma] Speed bump!
[crowd cheering and chanting]
Some worrying focal neurological signs,
so I want to check on arrival for a cerebra-spinal leak.
He’s amazing.
[running footsteps approaching]
Quick, emergency. One of the players are injured.
Oh, looks like someone needs a real hero.
What do you think about that, old man?
[laughs]
I’m gonna meet a player.
Hey, do you reckon it’s Zaha?
We’ll proper get along, you know,
me and Wilf’s got that proper south London
bad man ting going on, you get me.
Changing room’s through here.
[door opens]
[Security laughing]
[door closes]
What the hell?
[laughing]
I told you you cannot come in.
Who’s blowing kisses now, officer?
That’s not even how you blow kisses you mug.
Then phone the police. Stupid man.
[laughing]
[crowd cheering]
[grunts]
I miss her.
I've not felt that since Karen.
Jo’s just always been there.
Sure, maybe I've taken her for granted a little bit.
Like onions.
You don’t really notice onions
but take them away and what can you cook?
-[soda can pops] -Nothing.
Nothing without onions.
[objects cracking]
I’m back, okay? I’m in charge.
Has anyone got a problem with that?
Jo, how are you?
It’s boss, not Jo, and I’m busy.
Hi, boss.
[upbeat music playing]
[indistinct chatter]
Heyo, you missed an amazing game.
Five four and a red card.
I got so excited I flashed a boob.
I don’t think anyone noticed.
Did you get to treat the player?
Yeah, I sorted him, man.
I even showed him some of my skills
because obviously he was like, "You need to turn pro"
but I don’t really wanna talk about that.
I’m done with football, man.
-I've got you a nice hotdog. -Oh, thank you.
[Wendy groans]
Oh.
I love football hotdogs.
Even if they are mostly anus.
[gags]
Disgusting.
[rock music playing]
Yeah, it’s a shit show.
Don’t worry, I’m back now.
No, not a holiday person.
Go on holiday when you're dead.
Costa del Grave. Cheers, mate.
You know, I feel like we really got somewhere today, Jo.
Maybe we could try a fresh start?
No, you still tried to shaft me over Lawrence, George.
There’s a name for people like you in the army. Twats.
Well, he’ll think twice
before racially abusing a paramedic again,
I’ll tell you that.
I can’t believe he cried.
Look, I just wish you can work without having to face this.
It’s sweet that you care.
But you're making all this about you.
It’s a bit white saviour complex,
so I’m sorry but you're actually being racist.
I am so sorry.
Alright, up. Come on, up you get.
[grunts]
Done with football, man.
Well, at least it took our minds off the investigation.
Right, bellends,
just got an e-mail with a date for your investigation.
A week next Friday.
They're gonna want to know everything,
so make sure you've got everything straight.
Don’t worry, also do,
because it could be a career ender. But stay calm.
Laters.
[closing theme music plays]