- All right, line 'em up.
- Cell phones.
None of us had them. None of us understood them.
But if there was one thing
we kids at P.S. 38 knew about cell phones,
it was that eighth graders were obsessed with them.
- Oh, my gosh. You look so cute.
- I don't know. I think my eyes look--
um, do you mind?
You're fogging up my screen.
- Sorry.
- Anyway, did you see Chelsea's selfie this morning?
Huh? - [chuckles]
Ahh! [thuds]
- It's creative expression day today,
a chance to let your creative minds run wild.
Uh... [phones clicking]
- [chuckles] [quirky noises]
- I mean, what could be more important
than artistic self-expression?
Well, I had to find out.
[upbeat music]
- * Don't want to go to school today *
* The sun is red hot and I wanna play *
* But if I get caught they'll make me pay *
* Detention again * - * Big Nate, Big Nate *
- * Math and social studies just ain't my thing *
- * Rocking with my band is where I'm king *
* Stealing the teacher's teeth or bailing on a test *
- * Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh *
* Big Nate *
[loud clang]
[crash]
[upbeat music]
- Hey. Did you guys hear?
Randy got a cell phone.
[phone rings]
[monkey sounds]
- What? Who does he even have to call?
His probation officer?
- [scoffs] He probably uses it to take pictures of his butt.
[sighs]
I never get to take pictures of my butt.
[groans]
- [whistles]
- Hey, Francis? - Huh?
- You've been awfully quiet today.
What's up? - Me? Quiet?
No, no.
I was just thinking.
What do we need cell phones for?
We're kids.
We talk to each other and our moms and dads.
Plus, you know what's really cool?
The mail. both: Hmm.
[buzzing]
- Uh, did you guys hear that?
- No. I mean, it was nothing.
[buzzing]
- [gasps] Francis has a phone!
[both gasp] - OK. Fine.
Yes, I have a cell phone, but my parents
gave it to me strictly for emergency use only.
- Francis, my man, my hombre.
This is an emergency.
- Yeah, you know, Teddy's right.
I mean, what's the point of having a cell phone
if you can't make poor decisions with it?
[dramatic tone] - Whoa.
Hey, leave my best friend Francis alone.
What's the pixel count on the camera?
I need new headshots.
- Guys, I'm serious.
The phone only unlocks when it detects my heart rate soar
over 150 beats per minute.
My parents are very concerned when it comes to my safety,
and they have a point.
You'd be surprised at the situations
I find myself in.
Somebody do something!
Ahh!
When I'm in my highest state of panic,
this ankle sensor will turn red and flashing,
thereby unlocking my phone and--
oh, no.
I've said too much, haven't I?
You can only imagine what happened next.
- [evil laughter]
Not gonna work, Teddy.
Got over my clown phobia months ago.
- [crying]
[scoffs, chuckles]
Psst, Zora, it's Francis's birthday today.
- Oh, his birthday?
Then I will prepare him some brains.
[chuckling]
[squish, plop]
- [laughs] Eat up, my friend.
It's good for you.
- Nice try, Nate, but I learned to appreciate
cow brain when I sojourned with my parents in Morocco.
[slurps] Mmm.
Love a good frontal lobe.
- [grumbles]
- [gasps]
The zombie apocalypse, it's here!
It's here, Francis!
Oh, no. [gasps]
I think I've been bitten!
- [loud chewing]
- By the acting bug? Yes.
By a zombie? No.
- Aw, man.
- Well? - It's hopeless.
If I can't scare Francis with my amazing acting chops,
no one can.
- Do you guys even hear yourselves?
As today has proven,
this phone brings out the worst in people.
The only thing to do
is to destroy it once and for all.
all: [in slow motion] No!
[dramatic music]
[shatters]
[buzzes] - Phone unlocked.
all: It's mine!
[grunting]
- What have I done?
And that's how my friends became
insatiable phone goblins.
- I'm sorry. What?
- [groans]
[upbeat music] - [giggling]
* *
[fart noise]
[fart sounds set to techno music]
[laughter]
[phone buzzes]
- [laughs]
Mondays.
Very funny and relatable.
[mischievous chuckle]
Huh?
[texts dinging] Wh--wait, no.
[stammers]
Ahh!
Gah!
[laughter]
- That was good, wasn't it?
- I'm Dr. Lagaze.
I think I know acting
and have a doctorate in stinky produce.
Bleh. [laughter]
- OK, guess who I am.
I'm Mr. Galvin,
and I'm so old, I poop dust.
Oops. I just dusted in my pants.
[laughter]
Francis, you do Coach John.
- You guys are playing with fire.
You could get busted.
You could end up in detention.
- Dude, I have my own desk in detention.
- I am Coach John,
and I have a flower on my head.
[scats] Flower on my head.
- Hah. Sick burn, buddy.
- OK, OK, OK.
My turn. My turn.
I'm creature teacher, Mrs. Godfrey.
I hate everybody except Gina.
I love Gina.
[scoffs] [laughter]
Think fast, Francis.
- [grunts] Ugh.
[laughter]
[dramatic music]
[tense electronic music]
* *
[dramatic music]
[laughter]
[jazzy music]
- There he is. [laughter]
- Why is everyone staring at us?
- Oh, that?
Yeah, it's just the cell phone effect.
Yep, we're in another class of cool now, Francis.
- That's the dude.
- Yeah, I'm not feeling coolness vibes.
- Yeah, and they're not staring at us.
They're staring at you, Nate.
- Well, yeah. I mean, duh.
I'm awesome. - [laughter]
Nate and Gina sitting in a tree.
K-I-S-S-I-S-S-I-P-P-I.
[laughs]
[thuds] [grunts]
- What in the walking nightmare is he talking about?
[laughter]
- Hey, guys, what's so funny?
- You mean you haven't seen it?
- I looove Gina.
I looove Gina.
[dramatic music]
I looove Gina. [laughter]
I looove Gina.
[laughter]
* *
[SCREAMS]
- Dee Dee, over here!
This'll keep him quiet.
- [screams]
Francis, how could you let this happen?
- Me? - It's your phone.
- Hey, I warned you.
I told you the phone was just for emergencies.
- Yeah, well that's what this is, Einstein.
I have to set the record straight, and fast.
- Three words for you Nate.
Vi. Ral. Video.
[upbeat electronic music] [chaotic noises]
* *
- [grunts]
Look, we already did that,
and look how that turned out. - Exactly.
We have to out viral the old viral with a new viral.
- Ahh!
- Hmm. All set.
And action.
- [clear throat] I, Nate Wright,
definitely do not love Gina Hemphill-Toms.
In fact, I hate her guts.
I think she's a butt brain,
and her breath smells like dragon farts.
[farting sounds]
- Very convincing, Nate.
- Yeah. It's probably because
I really hate Gina's guts.
I'm method.
You got all that, Dee Dee? - Yup.
Just sent it out into the great wide web.
What happens next is out of our hands.
[tense electronic music]
* *
[upbeat dance music] - I love Gina Hemphill-Toms.
I love her guts.
I love her brain, and she's a love dragon!
That is not what I said.
Francis, how could you let this happen?
- Oh, for the love of--
- Why?
Phone, why?
- You have to admit that the song is super catchy.
- Do I, Kim Cressley, have a crush on Nate Wright?
- Yeah, that wasn't the question at all.
- Crush doesn't even begin to do my feelings justice.
[sultry jazz music]
Nate and Kim's tongues intertwined like two snakes
forming an ouroboros of prepubescent passion
as they moved--
- Huh.
Why are my gym socks always disappearing?
- Mmm. [chuckles]
[sniffs, sighs]
* *
I do.
I do too, my darling.
If anyone has any objections, speak now.
[door clangs open]
Stop the wedding.
[dramatic music]
[groans]
Pleasant dreams. [crunching]
* *
- I swear it's a true story.
- Ugh!
- Come out of there, Nate.
It's not all that bad. - No!
- Come on. Who knows?
Maybe you'll find out that you do love Gina.
- [groans]
- Nate, you've got company.
[locker creaks] - Hey.
- [gasps]
[dramatic music]
Oh. Hey, Kim.
- You, me, Gina, after school.
- Huh.
What do you think she meant by that?
- Oh, yeah. She's gonna murder you guys after school.
I thought she was pretty clear. - Wait, wait.
What? - Better warn Gina.
- No. Are you crazy?
I can't face Gina right now.
- Think about it, Nate.
If you two are gone,
it'll destroy the delicate balance that is PS 38.
Who will suck up to Mrs. Godfrey if not Gina?
Whose crazy ideas will we follow if not yours?
- We can always follow mine.
I've written most of them down on my thighs.
- Dee Dee's right.
I gotta find Gina before school lets out.
- She usually spends her free sixth period
tutoring students in Mrs. Godfrey's room.
- Lame.
- As do I.
- Right.
Yeah. [chuckles]
So sorry. - Whoa!
- [panting] Come on.
We're almost there.
[dramatic music]
- Nate Wright.
This room is reserved for A, gifted tutors,
B, hard-working students who want to improve their grades.
You are C, none of the above.
- Oh, please, Mrs. Godfrey.
I really need to speak to Gina.
- I saw the video.
Gina is too good for you, maggot.
- Oh, hey.
I think I see a kid misbehaving.
- What? What? Where?
Where's my bat?
Nate Wright!
- Oh. - ...is equal to X.
- Gina! - Huh?
- [panting] Ahh!
- What do you want, jerk face?
- I know this is gonna sound crazy,
but if you don't leave with me now,
you could get hurt.
- You want me to run away with you, Nate Wright?
That's, uh, so--
stupid.
[school bell rings] [door knob rattles]
- Nate Wright! - Ahh!
- [sniffs, blows]
[dramatic music]
- Look, we-- we don't have much time.
Can you just trust me?
- And why should I trust you?
- Would I be spending my time talking to you
right now if something wasn't terribly wrong?
- Point taken.
- OK. Let's go. - Ahh!
- When you finally open this door--
Wait!
Nate Wright will drag you down into the mud of mediocrity!
* *
- Wait, you got a bike?
- Far too dangerous. I carpool.
- [sighs] I'm guessing you don't have
a helmet then, either.
- Of course I do.
I have to protect my big brain.
- [scoffs] Yeah, more like butt brain.
Hop on. - Hmm.
[yelps]
Ahh! [energetic rock music]
[scooter engine revs]
* *
What does she want?
- She has a huge crush on me,
and she thinks I'm in love with you.
- That's crazy. Oh!
- Yeah, I know.
- Ahh!
* *
[button beeps]
Ahh!
- * Not a dime, I can't pay my rent *
* I can barely make it through the day *
- Good afternoon, Mr. Andopolis.
- Ahh!
- Come by later, Nate, and I'll save you a dog.
Whoa.
- * I'm always working, saving, everyday *
* Got to get a break *
- Spitsy! I told you once, I told you--
Ahh!
- You never saw me.
- Mmph. - Hey.
- * This is what I'd say *
* Don't need nothing but a good time *
- She's still behind us. - Hold on.
I'm gonna make a tight turn here.
- * How can I resist? *
* Ain't looking for nothing * [Gina screams]
* But a good time *
- Let's go in there! - No, no, no, no.
They don't have a back door. Trust me.
I get chased a lot.
[Gina screams]
- * They say I spend my money on women and wine *
* But I couldn't tell you where I spent last night *
* I'm real sorry about the shape I'm in *
* *
- Facing certain doom again, little bro?
- [chuckles] Always.
- *I'm always working, saving every day *
* Got to get a break from the same old, same old *
* I need a chance just to get away *
- [laughs] I think we lost her.
- Hey. both: Ahh!
- * Don't need nothing but a good time *
[both scream]
- See, kids?
This is why you wear a helmet.
Oof!
[dramatic music]
- So why does Kim think you're in love with me?
- Wait, wait, wait.
You didn't see those humiliating videos of me?
- Oh, I stay away from cell phones.
They've been shown to have a ravaging
effect on middle schoolers' developing brains.
- You know, that checks out.
- Hey.
[both scream]
- When we hadn't heard from Nate in a while,
we started to worry.
[squirrel chatters]
If we're going to find Nate and Gina,
we have to get into the mind of Kim.
- Or we could read her blog.
It's fascinating stuff.
- [laughs]
Ugh. [groans]
- All right. Here's the most recent post.
"I've made all the necessary arrangements.
"Yes, today promises to be a day
"that Nate and Gina will never forget.
Not only will I have my cake, I'll eat it too."
[screaming]
- Oh man, oh man. They are so dead!
Kim's probably filling their lifeless husk
with b-b-buttercream right now!
- OK. OK. Don't panic.
When I played obsessed Dr. Prudence Jenkins
in the play "Love Me Deadly,"
Prudence always brought her victims to the basement.
That's probably where Kim's keeping Nate and Gina.
We have got to save them before she turns them into cake.
- Mmm, cake.
[phone beeps]
- [gasps] Battery's down to 13%?
OK, no more messing around.
From now on, my phone is just for emergencies.
- Unfortunately, I had gotten addicted to a phone game
called "Ice Cream Headache 2."
[chaotic dinging]
[jazzy music]
[tablet beeps, alarm blares]
- Mr. Pope, something strange is going on
with Francis' phone.
- Now, now, now,
it's not time to freak out just yet, Mrs. Pope.
We'll just monitor him closely like we always do.
- I was about to reach the Malt Shop Migraine level
when-- [phone beeps]
[flat line beeps]
all: Ahh!
- What does this mean, Mr. Pope?
Our baby. Is he--
- If anybody's hurt our boy, so help me,
Mrs. Pope, I'll just show the world a side of me
it's never seen.
- Mr. Pope, your rugged man musk is very intoxicating,
but I can't afford to get distracted right now.
I'm calling the police. [line rings]
[ominous music]
- Any last words?
- Yes. [clears throat]
Mrs. Speaker, Mrs. President, Mrs. Vice President,
fellow citizens-- - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm sorry I asked.
- Hey. [both scream]
We need to talk.
- You're not going to kill us?
- I'm not a violent person, usually.
I just want an honest answer
about what's going on between you two.
- Well, I don't like Gina.
I hate her guts!
- Nate and I are sworn enemies.
My greatest wish in life is that he gets condemned
to detention for all eternity! [laughs]
- Good.
Now that that's been cleared up,
it's time for a tea slash dance party.
[upbeat music]
- * I wear tight clothing, high-heeled shoes *
- Let the music feed your souls.
Tonight we feast!
[rumbling] [Nate and Gina scream]
- Oh, hear that?
She's a killer and a cannibal.
[laughter]
- Where did you find such an amazing selection of tea?
[laughter]
- Finally, a real emergency and my phone's dead.
I don't understand.
None of us have been using it.
- [whistles]
- Oh, God.
[hyperventilates]
- Look at me, Francis.
Buddy, relax.
We're not dead yet.
- Here. Breathe into this.
Sorry if it smells like baloney.
- [hyperventilating] It does smell like baloney.
* *
- Guys, you have to see this.
* *
- * Why, oh, why *
- Hey. - [all shout]
I know you came for the imaginary tea and cake,
but I hope you'll stay for the friendship.
Earl Gray or cherry blossom?
- Uh, cherry blossom.
- Very good choice.
It's a beguiling blend of sweet and savory.
[imitates pouring]
Don't burn your tongue.
- * Don't be so shallow *
* Free your mind and the rest will follow *
[laughter]
- Whoo-hoo!
Hey, come on, everybody.
It's cool. Friends for stuffed animals.
These guys are great.
- Good tea. Nice party.
- * Cash *
* It really doesn't mean that all my credit's bad *
[laughter]
- Everybody freeze!
Which one of you is Francis?
- Oh, good.
More guests.
Afternoon tea?
- Now I've seen it all.
- Francis.
- Our baby's alive.
We were so worried.
- I've only been missing for an hour.
- You all have some 'splaining to do.
[dramatic jazzy music]
- This is all Nate Wright's fault.
Trouble follows him wherever he goes.
- Please. I can't have this
on my permanent record.
I'll never get into medical school.
I didn't even want a cell phone!
- OK, I admit it.
I'm a sick, sick man.
I need help.
Lock me up and never let me play
"Ice Cream Headache 2" again.
- Gram was right.
New technology is the devil's work.
- I can reach my seven devoted followers on the computer.
What would I need a cell phone for?
- Have the tabloids been tipped off to this story?
What? There's no such thing as bad publicity in show biz.
- Please.
You gotta let me go, man.
I've learned my lesson, all right?
I'm not mature enough to have a cell phone.
- [chuckles]
Relax, kid.
You're not in trouble.
That Francis kid's parents insisted
we get the full story.
Man, those people are intense.
- Wait, so I'm free?
- Well, you were never not free, so--
- I'm free. Whoo-hoo!
Take that!
Johnny Law's got nothing on me.
- Again, you could have left whenever you wanted.
- Oh, no.
You can try to bring me down as much as you want,
but justice always prevails.
Freedom!
- Well Francis, I promise to keep my paws
off your cell phone. - Me too.
- Me three.
- Uh, nah.
I don't make promises I can't keep.
- It's OK, Teddy.
My parents and I actually decided
that I don't need a cell phone.
- Instead we're getting a chip implanted
right into our son's brain.
- That way we can be more hands-off, you know?
- You know, I could use some real friends in my life.
I've ripped the heads off most of my imaginary ones.
- I know what you mean.
We could have another tea slash dance party
or if you want to go really extreme,
a tea slash dance party slash sleepover.
- I'd like that.
[upbeat electronic music]
* *
- Cool.
* *
[scooter engine revs]
- Oh, no, no, no, no.
- We better give you two some space.
- No, no, no, no, no, no. Don't leave me.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Please don't.
Argh.
Hi, butt brain.
- Hey, jerk breath.
Look, I promise I'll make sure people at school
know you don't like me.
- Hey, you know what?
Let them think what they think.
All that matters is that you and I
know how we really feel about each other.
You're a grade-A suck up!
- And you're a brain dead loser!
both: Until next time.
[fart sounds set to techno music]
* *