- Blinded by passion, Antony and Cleopatra embarked
on an affair so scandalous it rained chaos
and destruction upon all in their wake.
- One minute to sweet, sweet freedom.
- Wanna come to the arcade with us?
- I'll actually already be there with my dad.
We're having some father-son time.
- Zip it!
- So today's Teacher Appreciation Day,
and ironically enough, it is awesome.
It's a half day. And best of all,
no demon-boy, Randy.
- Hey, booger breath.
- Gah! - Nate!
- Randy kicked-- - Zip it!
- [groans]
Randy is P.S. 38's resident jerk
and the turd in my personal punch bowl.
He's been a total whack job since kindergarten,
but I've never once seen him get in trouble.
Not once! It's super annoying.
Ah!
[school bell rings]
* It's a half day *
* They can't make us stay*
* Get to go and play *
* The arcade's gonna be cray cray *
Ah!
- Did you have a nice trip, loser?
- Nate Wright! - What?
I--I didn't do anything.
- To Principal Nichols' office now!
- [chuckling] - You too, young man.
- I didn't do anything.
Ah!
- [groans] Way to go, Randy.
Now you blew up your own afternoon too.
You happy? - I wasn't gonna
do anything anyway.
- [chomping]
[all chomping]
[upbeat music]
- * Don't want to go to school today *
* The sun is red hot and I wanna play *
* But if I get caught they'll make me pay *
* Detention again *
- * Big Nate, Big Nate *
- * Math and social studies just ain't my thing *
- * Big Nate, Big Nate *
- * Rocking with my band is where I'm king *
* Stealing the teacher's teeth or bailing on a test *
- * Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh *
* Big Nate *
[loud clang]
[loud crash]
- [panting]
- Dad, you look like a dog waiting for the mailman.
What's up? - Nate will be home
any minute for father-son bonding day!
Ooh, you wanna join?
Father-spawn bonding day would be even more
"copasetic" as the kids say.
- Hard pass. - I get it.
You're growing up.
You don't wanna hang with your old dad anymore.
You have a life.
- Maybe it's time for you to have a life too.
Have you ever thought about, you know, starting to date?
- I--well--yeah, I mean, I've tried.
Ooh, I love how full of compliments you are.
Are you up for meeting in real life?
- [incoherent garbling]
- Uh, wait a sec. Are you catfishing me?
- [incoherent garbling]
- So did you grow up in Maine?
- Uh, sor--sorry. What?
- Hey, hey. My eyes are up here.
Stop staring at my chest foot.
- Ah!
[cell phone ringing]
- Hey there, Principal Nichols.
Whatever Nate did, I'm sure it was an accident.
- [incoherent speech] - I'll be right there.
- [groans] - Don't worry, bud.
I'm sure this is all a misunderstanding.
- Marty, always a pleasure.
No sign of Randy's mom, Barbara, eh?
- Well, guess she's not coming.
Oh, well. - Sit tight.
Randy's mom probably just got stuck in traffic or something.
- Nah, she's always late.
She doesn't believe in time.
- * Ooh, I like it like that *
- [gasps]
- Oh, I am so sorry. I'm sorry.
Randy's armadillo had an iffy tummy
so I had to stop for fresh termite kibble.
[laughs] Here I go rambling on
about the trials of single parenthood.
Surely a handsome guy like you is happily married
and wouldn't understand.
- I'm not happy or married.
Did you say handsome? Nate, please tell Randy
you're sorry for your part in this little kerfuffle.
- Wait, what?
[groans]
[sarcastically] I am so sorry, Randy.
- Good enough. Got to run.
Party in the teacher's lounge.
- Now on to the arcade.
- Ah, Nate, you can head to detention now.
- Wait, wh--what?
How was this not the punishment?
- Surely there's some leeway?
- Marty, at P.S. 38, rules must be followed.
Which reminds me. Spit out that gum.
- Sorry.
- Oh, all better now, love nugget?
- Almost. I'd be really better
if I could go to the arcade.
- [growling]
- Of course, my lil' dumpling.
You've had a hard day.
Here's some pizza money.
- [growling]
- No big deal. I'm sure we've got...
[choking up]
Many years of father-son time ahead, right?
- [groans]
Sure, whatever.
- Say, Martin, just 'cause Sonny Boy's not available
doesn't mean Daddy can't have fun.
- Uh, when you say "Daddy" you mean me, right?
[romantic music]
* *
- [giggling]
* *
- [chomping]
- [laughing]
Why, Martin, who is this gorgeous creature?
- Barbara, this is my daughter, Ellen.
- My dear, you are breathtaking.
I'm stunned.
- I'm sorry. Who are you again?
- [laughs] I'm Barbara.
I'm dating your father.
both: You are? - Ellen, you and I must
have a girls' day sometime soon.
Maybe hit the spa, have a mani-pedi?
- For real? I've never been to a spa
or had a professional mani-pedi.
My dad says stuff like that is a waste of money so--
- Money, shmoney. Stick with me, honey.
both: [sigh]
- Hey, loser. Have fun in detention?
[laughing]
The arcade was dope.
- [growling] - Too bad you couldn't go.
I got mad swag.
- Oh, cool. I had toys like that
when I was a baby.
- They aren't babyish.
I stole them!
- Ah! - Listen up, scrub.
Dad has a date over. - Oh!
- Mess this up and I will bury you in the backyard
with that hamster that you had in second grade.
- He had a name, Ellen.
It was Sir Gnaws-A-Lot.
And I don't believe for a second that dad had a--
[laughter]
- Oh, Martin. You're the funny one.
- You're the funny one. - You're the funny one.
- [baby voice] You're the funny one.
- Ugh. - Hi there, darlin'.
I was just telling your dad how I'd love
to take our two families out to dinner.
I'm sure Randy would love it.
- Ah! - Oh, yeah.
I would love that.
- [screaming]
- [grunting]
[snails squealing]
- Oh! I didn't order escargot.
both: Mmm. [kissing noises]
both: Can I be excused?
Never mind.
- Go ahead. You two should bond.
I have a feeling that you boys
will be spending a lot more time together.
[both grumbling]
- It's so exciting to eat food that's not expired.
Oh, sugary sweets. Can we get dessert?
- Oh, honey, Barbara's already spent
a small fortune on dinner.
- Oh, honey, get the dessert.
Worrying about money is no way to live.
- Haha! Preacher meet choir.
You know, I still don't know
what you do for a living, Barbara.
- Funny you should ask, because I was just thinking
you're the kind of guy who might be interested
in joining my business venture.
- You have your own business?
That is so cool. What is it?
- Gluten-free water.
- Gluten-free stuff is so huge right now,
and so is water!
- Oh, I don't know much about water
or gluten
or business.
- Oh, my God. It's so easy.
You just buy $1,000 worth of product upfront.
- Hey, is anyone else's back sweaty?
- [chuckles]
I like you.
[lightning crashes]
- Count me in.
- Huh?
- You coming, dork?
- I don't think we're supposed to be in here.
- Who cares?
- Ugh.
- [chuckling]
Don't flinch!
- Dude, come on. We're gonna get busted.
- You're with me, wuss bag.
I never get in trouble.
- Hey, did you lick this one?
- Nah.
- Hmm.
- Just kidding. I licked it!
- [screams]
- [humming]
- [chuckles]
Oopsie daisy. Silly me, I forgot my wallet.
What? [laughs]
Mom brain, am I right?
- Haha, totally. Uh, it's okay.
My dad will pay. Like you said, he'll be rolling
in the gluten-free dough in no time, right?
- Y--yeah--yes.
Yes. That--that's true.
[groans]
[wincing]
- Hmph. These children were in our closet consuming copious
culinary confections and creating chaos.
- Aw, put the damages on our tab.
- Wait, what? - A small price to pay
for the boys getting along, right?
- [laughs nervously] Yes. Yes, I--
I suppose the boys bonding is the most important thing.
- [growling]
Hmph.
- [laughs] - Whoa, hold the phone.
So as long as I'm bonding with Randy,
I can do whatever I want?
Uh, game changer.
- What are you doing to my car?
- Oh, we're combining our hobbies.
Mine's art, Randy's is vandalism.
I thought you wanted us to bond.
- Oh, that's right.
Yeah, well just keep doing what you're doing.
both: Cheese ball pit!
- You're destroying the carpet.
both: Bonding.
- Oh, well sorry to interrupt.
Carry on.
- You'll have to get rid of most of your clothes, Martin.
They remind me of my loser ex-husbands.
Too Patrick. Too Larry.
Ugh! Too Ichabod.
- You had a husband named Ichabod?
- Oh, this needs to change.
Ah, much better.
[both laughing]
- Nate. Nate, keep calm.
Randy is behind you and he's got a weapon.
- No, no, no. He's cool. Um, I invited him.
- Were you guys playing baseball?
- Nah, we just like whacking stuff.
Show 'em, Nate dawg.
- [grunting]
[both scream]
[glass shattering]
- Oops. Ah, sorry.
I didn't see that there.
- It's cool, at least it was in the giveaway pile.
We're donating stuff my uncle doesn't want anymore...
- Ooh! - To orphans.
- Dibs on the eyes.
[growls and laughs]
[all scream]
What? I collect eyes.
- Of course, you do.
- May we have a word, please?
- Hey, I know your parents are dating,
but you shouldn't hang out with Randy on purpose.
I'm starting to think he might be a serial butthead.
- You don't get it. He never gets in trouble.
He's, like, totally untouchable.
And as long as I'm with him, so am I.
- Who cares? As long as you're with him,
people will think you're a butthead too.
- Nah, they'll think I'm awesome 2.0.
both: Wah! - We'll just go
chill somewhere else.
Hey, Randy, let's get out of here and--
all: Ah!
- Check this out.
- [screams]
- Yeah, you got to leave, man.
Don't have to go home, but you can't stay here.
- Whatever. Come on, Nate.
Let's just go to my place.
I'll let you pet my roadkill collection.
- Yeah, no. I think I'm gonna stay here.
- [grunts] Whatever. You guys are bogus.
I only came here to be polite.
Randy out.
Whoo-hoo!
- Sorry. Yeah, yeah, you're right.
Randy's a few slices short of a loaf.
I don't think he has any friends that aren't in jail.
- Hey, what are you gonna do if he and his mom
move in with you or something?
- Pfft. [laughs]
Come on. That's not gonna happen.
- [incoherent garbling]
- Hey, champ. Make sure you're home tomorrow night.
I'm planning a very special dinner.
[chuckling]
- Oh, let me guess. Randy's coming.
- Yep, and you better get used to it.
I found a ring on Dad's dresser.
He's gonna propose! [squeals]
We're gonna have a new mom and brother.
- No!
- Look who's come crawling back
for another spoonful of Rand sauce.
My dad--proposing-- probably tonight.
We have to stop this or we'll be stuck together forever!
- Ah! I can't be stuck with you!
You smell like butt.
- Randy, there's no time.
We need a plan to drive our parents apart.
- Like botched plastic surgery?
- What's wrong with you?
- If you really wanna know, I have it written down.
- Wh--no.
Look, we just have to make them see
that they're wrong for each other.
Uh, quick. What food does your mom hate?
- Bone marrow, organ meat, yams.
- Perfect. I'll tell my dad
to make his signature yam burgers tonight.
- Okay. Ah! And I'll--I'll fart
at the table and pretend it was my mom.
- Yeah. Yeah, you--you do you, man.
- A little bird told me you're crazy about yams.
- Oh, I actually loathe yams.
[both giggling]
Because I've never had them prepared
so magnificently.
This is the best dish I've ever had,
my lil' cheffy-weffy.
- [farts]
Ew, Mom.
- How rude.
- Ew, Nate, gross.
- It wasn't me.
- [farts] [chuckles]
- Nate, excuse yourself and use the restroom.
- Ah, it wasn't-- ugh!
Excuse me.
Hey, what other kind of stuff makes your mom totally cringe?
- Weak and fearful men.
- Oh, easy. I know just how to bring my dad to his knees.
Come on, follow me.
- So Chloe was hanging out with this guy, Preston,
but then she met this other guy, Xander...
- Ah! - And he was so like--
- Ooh!
- Ah, gnarly.
This one has teeth.
- Dude, get your hand out of my mouth.
- Ah, the sweet sounds of raccoon mating season.
- So it turns out that Preston and Xander are twins
and Chloe had no idea and everyone was, like,
so mad, but now she's seeing this guy--
[screams]
- Ahh! Ahh!
[screaming continues]
- [screaming]
- Something about killing little creatures
makes me feel so bold,
so powerful, so--
[growls]
[laughs]
- Barbara, that was incredible.
- I am going to go shower.
Nobody flush.
- You're my hero.
[romantic music]
both: Mmm. [kissing noises]
- [yelling]
Their love is like a zombified corpse.
Every time we try to kill it, it just comes back stronger.
What'll we do?
- Is that your circuit breaker?
[whack] [electricity crackles]
- Uh, dude, what's that supposed to do?
- Ah, the dark is scary.
Duh.
- Yeah, well they don't look very scared.
- I swear I paid the electric bill.
- Candlelight is so romantic.
What a perfect evening, Martin.
- I must say I'm never happier than when I'm with you.
both: Mmm.
- Uh, hey, Dad,
can Randy and I go for a walk?
You know, to bond?
- Sure, champ, but a quick one, okay?
It's a very important night.
[chuckles]
[growling]
- [giggling]
- I'm thinking we bulldoze your house.
My cousin knows a guy.
- You really are horrible, aren't you?
Like, like, it's not an act.
You really are, like, a legit awful human being.
- Why are you being nice to me?
- [groans] Oh!
My life blows.
But my dad's never been happier.
If we break up my dad and your mom,
he'll be just destroyed
and I'll go to prison for something you did--
bulldozing my house.
- Dude, I was kidding.
Bulldozing houses is for toddlers.
I wanna do something nuc-ular.
- [groans]
[sobbing] Why is this happening to me?
- Hm.
[grunting]
- You're shaky.
Are you okay?
- This is a very special night,
and I just want to keep my mojo going.
I-I need you kids by my side,
but Nate and Randy sure are taking forever on their walk.
- Okay, well maybe try to put a little mood music on.
You know, try to relax.
- Great idea.
[cell phone dings]
- Hm? Dad, where's the pic of Nate and me on your phone?
- Oh, uh, Barbara likes that pic better.
[folk music playing]
- [humming]
* *
- [laughing]
This music is a joke, right?
- Huh? But this is my favorite album,
"Organic Eggplant" by Todd & the Peapods.
Don't you like folk? - Are you kidding?
I'd rather stick forks in my eyes.
It's nothing but smooth jazz for me.
Everything else is garbage.
- Smooth jazz. Smooth jazz?
No one listens to smooth jazz on purpose.
It's something you're forced to listen to
when you're at the dentist or on hold with the IRS.
- Well, only losers and hippies listen to folk music.
Are you a loser, Martin?
'Cause you don't have enough hair to be a hippie.
- Don't talk that way to my dad.
So what if he's old and-- and he's bald--
- Ing. Balding. And no one said I was old.
- But he is not a loser.
He is a great guy.
- Oh, honey, come on. We girls got to stick together.
Ah! Look at this poor shell of a man.
You deserve better. - Well, I don't want better!
- Not sure that came out as intended,
sweetheart, but thank you.
- [growling]
Fine. Fine.
I can see I made a mistake.
- Actually, Barbara, the mistake was clearly mine.
You should go.
- My pleasure. Oh, and P.S.,
your yam burgers taste like goat poop.
Also, bald men give me the--
[gags] Dry heaves!
Ugh! Barbara out!
Yeah!
- Ugh, I can't believe we're gonna be brothers.
- It's worse for you, so I don't care.
- Ugh!
Wait, how's it worse for me?
- You got to live with someone you hate.
- Um, hello? You hate me too, remember?
You're always messing with me.
- I only mess with people
who don't like me, so it's your fault.
- Yeah, well, maybe if you stop messing with people,
they'll like you.
- Hmm. Nah.
- [groans]
- Ugh, come on, love bug, we're leaving.
- Ooh! Oh, yeah! Trouble in paradise.
Smell you later, pant load.
[laughing]
[car horns honking] [indistinct yelling]
- * I thought I loved a woman *
* I thought that she loved me *
* But I guess our love wasn't meant to be *
* So Barbara you do you *
* But I gotta do me *
* Ooh, I just realized all water *
* Is gluten-free *
* Ooh *
- Dad, what happened? Are you okay?
- Yep. I dodged a bullet.
Hey, what do you say we do
our father-son bonding day tomorrow?
- Oh, uh,
yeah, I already made plans with Dee Dee and Teddy.
I've been a pretty bad friend lately so I shouldn't bail.
- I get it.
* My boy's growing up *
* Wants to hang out with the guys *
* So I'll stay home alone *
* Eating chicken pot pies *
- I'm free tomorrow.
Are you up for a little father-daughter time?
- Really? We can go anywhere you want.
It's totally up to you.
- It's gonna be copasetic
- [laughs] I'm so excited.
[laughter]
- Why so slow, Dee Dee? You got a flat?
- You should talk, bruh. Just lapped you again.
Booyah! - Look what I got.
- Uh. Let me guess. You stole 'em.
- Nuh-uh, I earned these guys.
- Oh. Okay, well, congrats.
- Here, Teddy, for your uncle's charity thing.
Peace out, losers.
- Seriously, man? Huh. Thanks.
- Uh, Randy, hey.
That was, um-- that was pretty awesome of you.
Hey, you know what? You wanna race with us?
Maybe you can take down Teddy. You know, he's a beast.
- Nah, I got to go.
My mom wants me to meet her new boyfriend.
Oh, and for the record,
I wouldn't have minded being your brother.
- Really?
- No!
[laughing] Sucker!
See ya around, turdler.
[kids screaming]
- See ya around, Randy.
- * I thought I loved a woman *
* I thought that she loved me *
* But I guess our love wasn't meant to be *
* So Barbara you do you *
* But I gotta do me *
* I just realized all water *
* Is gluten-free *