- [heavy breathing]
- [grunts]
[screams] - [screams]
[grunts]
- As battle waged on into the night,
the valiant children of PS 38 were simply no match
for the Jefferson Knights.
- [screams] - [screaming]
- They were smaller.
- [slow-motion] Oh!
- [screaming]
- They were weaker.
- Oh!
- But while their fierce determination
may have been inspiring...
[both grunt]
PS 38 never stood a chance.
♪ ♪
- [growling] - [screaming]
[mic feedback]
all: Ow.
- Good morning, kiddos.
As many of you know, it's an exciting week here at PS 38.
- Whoo-hoo-hoo, yeah! We did it!
[raspy blowing]
- We didn't do anything yet, Chad.
Pump the brakes, son. - Okay.
I'll just put my trumpet away then.
- Not a trumpet. Just please sit down, Chad!
[clears throat] This week, PS 38,
led by Captain Nate Wright,
will compete against Jefferson Middle
in the annual Big Freeze snow sculpture contest,
and once again, the winner will be awarded...
[slow-motion] a brand new snack machine.
- ♪ Beardy Yum Yums, Beardy Yum Yums ♪
♪ Beardy Yum Yums ♪
Snack machine.
We gotta win that contest.
Jefferson is already up to their earlobes
in state-of-the-art snack machines.
[elevator music]
♪ ♪
- Sweet.
♪ ♪
- Us? We've got Old Hank.
- Oh man, I got loose seaweed again!
- If we're gonna pull this off,
we need a leader delusional enough
to think we can beat Jefferson.
- [chuckles] He means me.
[upbeat music]
- ♪ Don't want to go to school today ♪
♪ The sun is red hot and I wanna play ♪
♪ But if I get caught they'll make me pay ♪
♪ Detention again ♪
- ♪ Big Nate, Big Nate ♪
- ♪ Math and social studies just ain't my thing ♪
- ♪ Big Nate, Big Nate ♪
- ♪ Rocking with my band is where I'm king ♪
♪ Stealing the teacher's teeth or bailing on a test ♪
- ♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪
♪ Big Nate ♪
[loud clang]
[loud crash]
[Europe's "The Final Countdown" plays]
[cheering]
- And now, introducing Jefferson's sculpture brigade's
team captain, who needs no introduction,
my boyfriend, Nolan Vaughn!
[cheering]
- Oh! Ah! Oh!
What up, Jefferson?
[cheering]
All right, thanks for the intro, Dina.
- [giggles]
- So, you all know we win this thing every year.
And as your new sixth-grade captain, I pledge allegiance
to myself that I will fight pretty much to the death
to make sure we win again this year.
[cheering] - Marry me, Nolan!
- Ha, sorry, pal. I'm taken.
But I can do you one better.
As Jefferson's very own artistic prodigy,
I promise to bring home our 16th consecutive
snack machine!
[cheering]
- [screams]
- Winner gets a new snack machine.
Pretty sweet, eh, amigo?
- Nate's practically been dreaming of this opportunity
his entire life.
- [sighs] It's finally time
to say farewell to Old Hank.
- Hmm?
[whimpers]
[screams]
- Oh, I can almost taste
those tasty, non-expired snacks already!
[all scream] - Hopefully, the new machine
will have better stuff in it, like Glucklich Rentier Knochel!
Caramel on the outside,
reindeer knuckles on the inside.
- Mmm.
- May cause constipation, diarrhea, dry mouth,
and, in extreme cases, cornea explosion.
- They're pretty popular.
- Anyway...
It's gonna feel pretty good
to be able to bring this school what it so desperately needs--
nay, what it deserves!
No offense, Hank.
- [hoarse hissing]
- Hey, don't worry, guys.
You're in good hands.
Whoever we're up against pales in comparison
to the slayer of knights, causer of gingivitis,
bringer of joy and cavities,
king of the snacks--
- [yells] Nate Wright?
He's the captain of their Big Freeze team?
- Who cares? Do you even know this boy?
- Uh, hello? - He's my artistic rival,
my archnemesis!
- Nolan Vaughn? Why him?
- [groans] I cannot believe we're competing
against the buttiest butt brain of all butt brains!
- Who is this Nolan kid anyway?
- Uh, hello? He's my artistic rival,
my archnemesis. [yells]
both: Ooh, how I hate him.
[somber violin plays]
- Back in kindergarten, Nate and I were best buds.
We did everything together.
But he always had to be better than me.
He had to build a better sand castle.
He had to score the winning goal.
- Hey, look over there! - Ow!
But one day, he just up and decided
he didn't wanna be friends with me anymore.
Guess he just couldn't stand the thought of someone
who was just as talented as he was.
It was too much for his fragile little ego.
After that, my family moved to a new neighborhood.
Our friendship was over! [both laugh]
He's dead to me now!
- Back in kindergarten, Nolan and I were best buds.
But he took credit for everything I did.
I'd build a sand castle, and he'd take the credit.
In sports, he did whatever it took to beat me,
even when we were on the same team.
And worst of all, he stole all my cartoon ideas
and made it look like Iwas copying him!
I decided then and there to do the unthinkable.
I told the teacher. [all gasp]
- Blasphemy! - His parents were all,
"Ooh, our precious Nolan would never cheat."
They thought I was a bad influence,
so they pulled him out of school.
Ever since then, we've been archnemesiseseseses--
well, you get the point.
both: Now's my chance to finally prove
I'm better than him.
He will be defeated, and I will make sure
he and his slimy, arrogant friends
never get their hands on that snack machine ever!
- All right, Team Awesome!
I thought these getups might help with team spirit.
Ooh, I love teamwork and spirit
and tie-dye-- somebody pinch me!
- Pinch, pinch, pinch... - No touchy!
- Uh, are these nightgowns?
- Nightgown man, I'm nightgown man,
I'm nightgown man! - I used my dad's shirts.
- [screams] - He's a large man.
- Yeah, okay. Thanks, Dee Dee.
- Says here in the Big Freeze handbook,
"The only rule is to work together as a team
to build a snow sculpture entirely out of snow."
Ha, seems simply enough.
- Hey, um, could I see that for a second?
[rock music]
♪ ♪
[eagle burps] - [groans] My sternum!
Can somebody help me, please?
- Ah, rules are for contractors and debutantes.
Fortunately, I came prepared. I call this
"Nate's Awesome Book of Genius Snow Sculpture Ideas."
Feast your eyeholes on this:
a dragon that breathes fire,
or a flying horse that breathes fire,
or a llama...
that, obviously, breathes fire.
[llama baas]
- You really got a thing for fire-breathing animals,
don't you? - It's a passion.
The point is, somewhere in this book is PS 38's winning idea,
and this face is gonna look great
squashing Nolan on live TV.
- Nate, don't pose like that. You have weird knees.
- What? Naw, I don't have weird knees.
- It's no big deal. It's your thing!
- Chad, back me up here. Do I have weird knees?
- Um, yes, no. Carry the four.
[screams]
[sneezing] - I'm just gonna assume
that isn't asbestos. - I'll take that bet!
- All right, guys-- back to the task at hand.
What if we go old-school with our sculpture,
like the original PS 38 mascot from the 1930s?
- Field Marshall Potato?
- Flarbity boo! [farts]
Flar. - A potato?
Yeah, I might have to veto that one.
- What if we supercharge the potato and give him a cape?
- Oh, ah! - Okay, let me explain
what "veto" means. - Ooh, ooh, now we're talking!
Ooh, maybe some dinosaur spikes too?
I mean, if we're gonna go with imaginary animals.
- Uh, you do know dinosaurs were real.
- [laughs] - [laughs]
- Right, and next you're gonna tell me
that the Earth is round. [laughing]
Oh, good one, bro.
- [screams]
We'll rename her the PS 38 Super Potatosaur!
[monster voice] Potatosaur!
all: Potato rawr!
[all make animal sounds]
- Guys, potatoes don't win snack machines
or make any sounds! Need I remind you
we're up against Nolan Vaughn here?
The guy's a scuzzball, but he's got moxie!
You know he's working on something right now!
- Flarbity boo!
- [grunts]
- Babe, I promise I'll plan something amazing
for our three-week anniversary. But this is a big deal!
I've always been a better artist than Nate,
and now's my chance to prove it!
- Nolan, you haven't stopped talking about Nate Wright
in days. - Ah, psh.
I talk-- I talk about other stuff--
all the time, actually.
[rock music]
Nate Wright's such a loser, right?
What'cha guys talkin' about? Let me guess:
ways to beat Nate Wright?
What is...Nate Wright?
Sure, okay, okay. I see a pattern--
a pattern of determination by me
to see Nate Wright go down in flames.
- Hey Nolan. Look at me.
I came as fast as I could, huh?
Word on the street is that Nate Wright
is cookin' up something incredible at PS 38.
[slurps]
- Not if I can help it!
- [grunts]
- Snowman wipe.
- Ooh, great first day, team.
Tell your parents I'm sorry I kept you.
[spy music]
♪ ♪
[rooster crows]
[tires squeal] - [grunts]
- And back to work we--
go... - [screams]
Nate, how are we supposed to win with that?
- Principal Nichols, that is not the snow sculpture
we started. I, uh--
- I need you all to get serious!
I'm counting on that raise
to get a couple of bill collectors off my back,
and of course a new snack machine for you kiddos.
What happened here?
- Nolan happened. He always had a weird thing
for fingers. We can't let him win.
We must rebuild...
[all sigh]
I think you're gonna be excited
about this one, Principal Nichols.
The word "masterpiece" comes to mind.
Masterpiece? [laughs]
I'm so excited! - [laughs]
- Okay! And... look!
[all scream]
- Nolan!
- Sweet baby back ribs! We're gonna lose,
and at this rate, I'll be fired!
[somber music]
- Attention! Soldiers, if we're going to win
this thing, we have to be strong,
ruthless, cold as ice! [all chattering]
Look, I get it, guys.
But we can't just go home, or sleep,
or pay attention to personal hygiene.
We have to beat Nolan!
All right, now, come on. Come on.
Look at me. Watch, watch.
Look at my speed. Look at my form.
You see my form? You see how I'm doing this?
It's all in the wrist.
And...there we go. Ha, see?
[coughing] [screams]
- W-w-what was that noise?
Sweet pepperoni mustache, what is that?
Ugh, okay. So over the course
of this entire week,
under the excellent leadership of Nate Wright,
Team Awesome has made zero progress?
[cell phone rings] Hello?
Wha--no! You cannot repossess
my memory foam toilet seat! I forbid it!
[cries] - Uh...
[stammers] Don't worry!
I got another idea. - Nate.
We don't wanna do this anymore.
This rivalry between you and Nolan--it's too much!
- Yeah, we haven't seen our parents in days!
all: We quit.
- And so does Chad.
- Ah, fine. I'll do it myself.
[groans] Some friends I have.
I'm the only one who--
- I remember your place being a teardown, but still, yeesh!
[dog barks]
- [groans] What do you want, Nolan?
- Wanna get in the car? I've got the heat going.
- Yeah, it's gonna be a "no" from me, dog.
My dad always taught me that
not having heat builds character.
- I've always liked you, Nate.
You and me--we're cut from the same sandwich.
- No, we're not, because your sandwich
is clearly made from butt. It's a butt sandwich.
- Sure you don't wanna come in? I've got a snack machine.
- In the car? I mean, come on, man--
wait, really?
[Backstreet Boys' "I'll Never Break Your Heart" plays]
- ♪ The first day that I saw ♪
- Beardy Yum Yum?
Have you ever wondered what it would feel like
to be a part of a winning school?
- Pfft, yeah. But I'm gonna find out
soon enough, after I clobber you and your Jefferson lackies.
[hollers like a whale]
If it's unclear, those are whale noises.
- I find everything you're doing very triggering.
[exhales] But...
I didn't come here to argue.
I came here to make a confession.
You're better than I am, Nate.
- Oh, yeah? Well, you're--wait.
What? - I'm serious.
I'm the only one who truly appreciates your talents.
You know, I cheated off you when we were kids.
- Yeah, that's not exactly a news flash, dude.
You were a total weasel.
- Well, I'm sorry, and I'm also sorry I lied to you
about the Moon being made out of queso.
- You're a little late with the apology.
I dreamed of dipping my chips in zero gravity!
- See? Right there!
That's the Nate Wright I remember.
Come on, let's win this thing together!
I miss you, man!
[moans] Oh, yeah.
That's the stuff.
Listen, it's time we let bygones be bygones.
We could both be winners.
You'll be treated with respect and dignity,
praised for your artistic genius.
Don't you want that? - Okay, okay.
Let's say I did decide to come to Jefferson.
How would I get in?
[spy music]
♪ ♪
Hmm.
- Nate Wright, a Jefferson Knight.
- Think we'll ever see him again?
- Nah, kids never see each other
after transferring schools.
Parents say we will, but... [scoffs] it's all lies.
- [cries] Nate, don't leave me with them!
- I can't believe it.
Best friends since kindergarten.
- Francis, you're the captain of Team Awesome now.
- You're captain now?
That means we can do Super Potatosaur!
[school bell rings]
- So head on in here,
and we'll get you hooked up with a retinal scan
for snack machine access.
- Did you say "retinal scan?" - Yeah, of course.
How do you guys access your snack machines at PS 30-lame?
- [grunting]
[screams]
- [burps]
- Brigade meets in an hour at the soccer field
to get our build on. Wow, look at us,
reunited at last.
- So your solution to ending this
was bringing Nate even more into your life?
- Dina... Deen!
My little Deengleberry, don't you see?
Now that Nate goes to Jefferson,
he's no longer a threat. I've already won!
Best part is, Nate has no idea.
But he will soon...
[ominous music]
- Hello? Hello?
Huh, according to the map, the field should be right here.
[spy music]
What? They're just laying around.
Wait a minute. This isn't the soccer field!
[screams]
That slimy malt-worm is icing me out,
literally and metaphorically!
[rock music]
[both grunt] [horn blares]
- Yeah! Up top, guys!
Whoa!
Wha-wh-whoa!
- Well played, Nolan.
The places I had to pry those frozen leeches from
I will never speak of again.
- I don't know what you're talking about, Nate.
We missed you at sculpture-building hour.
- Oh, shut your whale hole, Nolan!
You recruited me to Jefferson so you'd have no competition.
But guess what. You still have to design
and build an original snow sculpture, which we all know
you're not creative enough to do.
So, ha! - Oh, you poor thing.
We aren't gonna build a sculpture.
- Uh, what do you mean?
- Eh, I guess it doesn't matter if you know at this point.
[whispers indistinctly]
- Seriously? - Pretty genius, right?
Judges will never figure it out.
Anybody craving Beardy Yum Yums?
- [growls]
- Well, it's the day we've all been waiting for, folks:
the Big Freeze.
Hello, I'm Wink Summers, former chief meteorologist
for "Channel 12 Action News,"
pretending not to be devastated by my recent demotion
to covering human interest stories like this one.
Kick it to the curb, youngster.
- Make way for PS 38!
- [scatting]
- Remember, kids, smile through the tears.
Smile through the tears. Happy faces.
Judges love happy. Happy, happy, happy.
- Introducing Jefferson Middle!
- Wow. all: Whoa.
- Everyone, shush!
Jefferson Middle will now reveal our amazing sculpture.
Presenting the Jefferson Knight!
[glorious music]
[all gasp]
[cheers]
[all gasp]
♪ ♪
- A near-perfect score for Jefferson.
Gonna be tough to beat.
- Okay, guys. We did our best,
which probably was woefully insufficient.
But if we go down, which-- let's be honest with ourselves,
we probably will-- we go down as a team!
- Dude, worst pep talk ever. - What are we?
all: Team Awesome!
[all scream]
- It looks like a squashed ham. - A circle cheese, I think.
- It's a basketball! Right?
Is it? It is. [chuckles nervously]
[baby cries]
- Super Potatosaur.
You are uglier than I ever imagined.
- The judges are indiscernibly deliberating,
but we have a pretty good idea of the winner here.
[horn blares] - Jefferson wins!
PS 38 loses! I win!
New snack machine! Booyah!
[cheering]
- Hold on. It appears that PS 38
is lining up in some kind of formation.
- Potato rawr! Potato rawr!
Now!
[rock music]
- Ah, a snowball ambush! [screams]
- Zeff, the knight-- get the knight!
Come on, man!
- [slow-motion] No!
[all gasp in slow-motion]
- I know what you're thinkin'.
What in pearl's mother is happening?
Please enjoy this expositional flashback.
It should clear some things up a bit.
[somber music]
- Hey, guys.
- Nate, what are you doing here?
- [sighs] I messed up really bad.
I shouldn't have let beating Nolan become more important
than my best friends, and hey, I'm really sorry.
- Thanks, Nate, That means a lot.
We know how much you hate apologizing.
- It's true. I do.
- You comin' back, Nate? - I am, Chad.
But I need all of your help first.
all: Mm-hmm.
- Someone's got a plan.
[all screaming]
- It's the statue from outside of Jefferson Middle School!
They cheated!
- The hashtag #JeffersonHoax
is unfolding right before our very eyes!
Jefferson cheated! They cheated,
they cheated, they cheated! I'm a real reporter!
[all jeering]
- The champion of this year's Big Freeze is...
PS 38!
[all cheering]
- [chuckles] You did it, kids!
[cheering]
- Nate! [screams]
- My mom was right. Men never change.
Bye-bye, Nolan.
I'm taking my eight-foot wingspan
and my awe-inspiring basketball skills
to a school where I'll be appreciated:
PS 38.
- You know what to do.
[spy music]
♪ ♪
- Whoa, watch out, guys.
Looks like Nolan had a backup plan!
- Let me at 'em! Let me at 'em!
- Charge!
[yelling]
- And so, what began as a friendly competition
escalated into something far greater.
- [whimpering]
[panting] [slow-motion] Oh!
- Oh!
- And while our heroes were weaker, smaller,
and, let's face it, kind of pathetic...
- [yelling]
- They had far better senses of humor
than those entitled little brats at Jefferson.
- [laughing]
- And certainly more heart.
- That was awesome! - Nate!
You ruined everything!
[rock music]
[groans]
[both scream]
- Let's go get 'em!
all: Potato rawr!
[rock music]
♪ ♪