[somber music playing]
Welcome home. We missed you.
[whimsical music playing]
♪ We're wicked happy that you're back ♪
♪ We're what's left of the human race ♪
♪ D.C. has changed since the attack ♪
Did I do that?
♪ But we know You're gonna like this place! ♪
What are we doing? A song?
♪ This here's LaMarr and he's my VEEP ♪
♪ Yup, two white men are still in charge ♪
♪ These corpses scream While we're asleep ♪
♪ Here in D.C., we're living large ♪
♪ We planted lots of seeds To meet your eating needs ♪
♪ Yum-yum, I hope we grow an orange ♪
Seriously, "orange"? No. You're out of the song. Go!
♪ That's how we know You're gonna like this place! ♪
-When did you all practice this? -[Matty] Big finish!
♪ We hope you realize ♪
♪ We're really neato guys ♪
♪ We know you'll understand ♪
♪ How great it is on land ♪
-♪ The feral kids are nice ♪ -[shouting]
♪ But they will give you lice ♪
♪ So take it from our face ♪
♪ We know you're gonna like this place! ♪
[all panting]
Yeah, I think we're good on the boat. Thanks for the song, though.
No, dude, we're saving you.
Okay, cool, have fun!
-[party music playing] -[indistinct chatter]
[theme music playing]
Those boat pricks think they're better than us?
That's, like, my least favorite thing for someone to think they are than me.
Look, I know you've been dealing with a lot of rejection lately--
Who, Lucy? Pfft. She only got to dump me, and Jeremy,
'cause I un-dumped her first.
Honestly, I feel bad for her.
Okay. I just don't want emotion to cloud your judgment.
I don't know, it usually does.
When the Sox traded Nomar, I set myself on fire.
Well, see here, D.C. is a very liberal city.
The basketball team is named the Wizards. Like a witch's husband.
But people who take cruises are our kind of voters.
So if we don't get those folks on that boat repatriated…
Go Pats.
…we might just find ourselves out of a job one of these here days.
Seriously? No, I can't not be president. I mean, what does an ex-president even do?
I don't wanna draw dogs or build houses for poor people.
Or get turned into a statue.
That's why we gotta get these folks off that boat.
-[whimsical music playing] -[cheering in the distance]
Look, just because people have a boat does not mean they're better than us.
"No shoes, no problem"?! No! Problem!
Totally. But I've decided we need them to come be Americans.
I just don't get why they'd wanna stay on that boat.
I went on a cruise once and the best part
was when it caught fire and we got a free flight home.
They're probably delirious.
Those poor souls have been adrift for months!
They need to squirm up to our national teat
like little piggy-wiggies and suckle at the erect, milky nipple of freedom.
Look, I don't always have a plan when I start talking.
Am I the only one who sees how fascinating this is?
-Ugh, you excited sucks. -Your voice gets so high.
[in high-pitched voice] That ship was totally on its own for months at sea!
They built their society in complete isolation from ours.
It's like when you put half your ants in one ant farm and half in another
and just let the fricking magic happen.
You know, I once played Gladys Knight on a Celebrity Cruise for senile folks.
Oh, we had some fun.
♪ The shrimp was all-you-can-eat ♪
Yeah. The folks on the boat do seem to be having a pretty good time.
Is it possible that they're actually doing better than we are here on land?
-[Grimes] Come back! We're married now! -[raccoon trilling]
Better? You might as well mix vinegar with baby shampoo and pig degreaser
'cause that is hogwash.
Yeah, we're doing awesome. Watch this. Wall flip!
[screams]
This is what I wanted!
And what are you even doing here? You're not First Lady anymore.
You're more like last lady.
Well, even if I'm not pretending to be your girlfriend anymore,
I can still be useful.
No way. You wanted to be all "independent" and "doing stuff for yourself"?
Well, you got it. I'm kicking her out. Preemptive!
Wow. You did it.
You made me forget about how I watched her dump you with my own two eyes.
More like four. Glasses.
Actually, sir, Ms. Suwan might be able to help our cause.
You know, we won the Cold War by showing how attractive our way of life could be.
It was called blue jeans diplomacy.
And who better than Miss America to be an ambassador for life on land?
I was a brand ambassador for the Reno tourism board.
"Reno: 'Cause Vegas Is Farther Depending On Where You're Coming From!"
Executive order: fine!
But Lucy, you bet--
[laughs] Ow.
What? There's something in the wall.
-It tickles! [laughs] -[chitters]
Stop! Grimes, control your man!
[whimsical music plays]
-[boy 1] Boom! -Hey, kids.
-Hey. -General.
Hey, I'm just here 'cause I miss my own kids so much.
They're estranged. Because of my drinking.
Uh-huh.
Mom, have you found TOD yet?
Oh, I'm sure he just killed himself like all the other TODs.
-No. -[boys sobbing]
He's our friend.
[both] Yay!
[upbeat music playing]
-Awesome! -[boys chuckling]
[grunting]
-Wait, when did you fight Mole People? -You have to find him.
Or I'll shoot a missile at you.
No, you don't have to worry about TOD-209, because I… I just got a new brain.
-[boys gasp] -Yeah.
It squirted out of that guy Marty when the ship crushed him.
And I'm gonna use it to build you kids an even better TOD.
-TOD-210! -[whirs]
[bubbling]
[screeches]
[microwave whirs]
[explodes]
-[all scream] -Mommy!
Oh boy, I'm gonna get an earful about this from my mommy group.
[gasps] Oh, no, they're all dead.
Mom, please, just find real TOD.
Okay. I'll try.
You promise?
[sighs]
I promise.
[all scream]
-Jesus Christ! -Mommy!
[laughing, cheering]
[passenger] She can throw them back, lemme tell ya.
-Greetings from land, everybody. -[Sheila] You decide to join us, hon?
Anyone's welcome here on the Thirsty Princess.
As long as you're ready to party.
Actually, I was sent by the president to show you guys what you're missing out on.
This is called spelt. And I brought blue jeans.
[laughs]
Sweetie, no one here wears pants. And we got all the food we need.
Oh, uh, it's just kinda my job to show you how great land is.
"Land, just try drowning on here."
Your "job"? This is a cruise, hon. We are here to forget about our jobs.
Good riddance, tiger sanctuary.
Boy, it sure seems like you guys have fun.
In spite of, you know, "Pew! Crash! My eyeballs! Help me, Lucy! Help… me!"
Hell yeah, we have fun.
'Cause all that stuff, folks getting melted, alimony,
toilet gators, that's for land.
Everyone here just does what makes them feel good.
[sighs]
That's what I'm supposed to be doing. Thinking about what I want for once.
But here you are, working for the man with his spelt and his leg prisons.
Baby, this is a crizzuise!
Now come on and have a good time, or else I'll have to call the Fun Police.
[imitates police siren]
[laughs]
Hi. Professor Simon Prioleau…
All right, fine, Associate Professor!
And I was never gonna make tenure because I once called my department head "Mommy"!
Are you happy?
Whoa. No judgment. Happy to have you. I love your hat.
Yeah, you're right. It's stupid.
-I'll just take it off. -No, I'm serious.
You look like Darius Rucker.
So come on, unwindulax and get your cruise on!
Cool hat, sexy!
[sips]
Mr. Zhao, the president and I need your help with this whole boat situation.
Ugh, I hate that thing.
Everyone's talking about the boat instead of The Love Choice season two.
-Guys, I can explain. -[raccoons trilling]
This is a battle for hearts and minds, gentlemen.
It's all about messaging.
You mean like, "You up? Eggplant, why you such a prude? Don't tell my mom"?
More like a big presidential speech. Something TV-friendly.
-Sweet. Shirt or no shirt? -Well, let's go shirt.
Ooh, it'll be like the Gipper at the Berlin Wall!
We'll do it in front of the boat,
and you'll be all, "Mr. Gorbaboat tear down this boat."
And Zhao News will cover it across all our platforms.
If we stack them on top of each other, you'll look really tall.
I am tall, but great.
-[dramatic music plays] -[indistinct chatter]
Bang-bang, I'm a gavel.
We still haven't heard from General Axatrax.
What is causing this delay?
Prime Minister, there are two possible explanations.
One, he defeated the Earthlings and is now partying like it's 24632.
Or he somehow lost to a bunch of creatures with bones.
[all laughing]
And is either dead or afraid to contact us
because he knows what punishment awaits his failure.
[roars]
[applauding]
Wait, why are we speaking English? Is this a dream? Dammit, Axatrax!
[gasps, groans]
What a horrible dream.
-You! -Ready for some more punishment?
[dramatic music plays]
[gasps, groans]
-[suspenseful music plays] -[sharp sting]
[Matty grunts]
And it looks like the president has taken stage.
My fellow land-based Americans,
I stand here in front of this boat to remind the whole world
how fun things are here on land.
Remember the party I threw?
Or what about the time I saved us from the Mole People?
[grunting]
Hey, you weren't there.
And I know because…
I am Urgmel, King of the Mole People!
-Ha-ha! -[crowd gasps]
I mean, his opinion.
My point is the boat stinks and land rules!
Jeez-a, the boat looks-a pretty fun to me. They got a slide-a d'acqua.
Oh, pfft! That's nothing.
We've got escaped zoo animals and regular Alfred Yankovic, and, um…
Hey, quit partying so loud! I'm trying to explain how fun land is!
-We can't hear ourselves think. -Who wants to think? Bummer alert.
I hate thinking!
That's when I remember I wrote and directed the movie Dolittle.
Why did I do that?
You know what? Don't sit there listening to these stuffed shirts with their ties.
-He made me wear it. -Come join the par-tay!
Every y'all's welcome on the Thirsty Princess!
Don't have to ask me twice. I got rid of three husbands on cruises.
♪ The Bahamian Police were happy not to investigate ♪
Aw, no, Wanda, you can't go on the boat. We're trying to get them to come here.
[woman] Oh please.
But I want-a to play in the acqua with acqua fusilli!
[whimsical music playing]
What, y'all working, handsome? [scoffs] Come on, put that thing away.
Why, am I making you clip-bored?
[laughs]
You are fun!
Now come on, hot tub with us!
"Benny and the Jets"? More like Simon and the jets.
Like hot tub jets. I'm Simon.
[laughs]
Don't let the Fun Police see you being a wallflower.
You look like my ex Travis after he lost our car in a wet shorts contest.
No, I'm having fun.
Just taking a load off.
[sighs] Heels, am I right?
When I was a hostess at T.G.I. Fridays, they made us wear 'em.
[chuckles] I mean, I get it. It's Fridays, it's all about sex.
But now I haven't worn heels in months! Kick 'em off, girl!
Oh.
Uh, I don't know, Joy. I've been wearing high heels since I was four.
-It's a requirement at Reno preschools. -Ha!
Well, you're on the Princess now. You're the only one wearing shoes.
[dramatic music playing]
[grunts]
Uh, oh, toes are separate little beans.
So we gonna dance or what?
Totally. But I can't get up. Why is everything so sticky?
Hey, spillin' is part of chillin'!
-Wow, that's really clever. -Thanks.
I always wanted to write for t-shirts, but it's all who you know.
[cheering]
[Axatrax groans]
There you are. I think something is wrong with me.
Yesterday, while I was drinking all that wine, I felt amazing.
But now my head feels like it was smashed with a hammer by a Gallagher.
-Do you have Gallaghers on Earth? -We had two. But you're just hungover.
Alcohol causes vasodilation and dehydration,
so you wake up in the morning feeling like you got kicked in the head
by a carriage horse.
Then you remember that Neil deGrasse Tyson dropped you in the shower.
Well, I just need you to give me the antidote.
[chuckles] No, there is no antidote.
All you can do is drink water and pray
it's not too late to cancel the realistic male comfort torso
you ordered on Amazon at 3:00 A.M.
You humans are so stupid.
Yeah, yeah, we know about hangovers, but we drink anyway.
We also scratch mosquito bites and get bangs.
With your face shape?
But no, you're stupid because you stop drinking.
If you never stopped, then you'd feel good forever.
That's basically what those morons on the cruise ship are doing.
Oh.
[thuds]
Dammit!
You know, another unpleasant side effect of drinking
is having kids who guilt you into making promises you can't keep.
Do you want help smashing your children? You helped me smash mine, so--
No! No smashing. I love my kids.
But they want me to find TOD-209.
Even if he weren't 1000% dead,
it's not like I have a radio transmitter
powerful enough to ping his tracking beacon.
Well, I know the cruise ship has a working radio…
Uh, not because I have a radio. But I can sense them. Aliens are weird.
Ugh, I wish you hadn't told me that.
Now I have to go get contact drunk on that G-D cruise ship.
Hey, pal! Someone here order a realistic male comfort torso?
They told me the delivery would be discreet.
This is bad. America's gonna boatulate, and then what's left to be president of?
This?
I don't wanna be president of this. I hate it!
Okay, that is a quality mug.
If everyone leaves, how do I get rich?
And don't tell me to learn how to code. [groans]
I miss all my stuff.
I had so many watches and a basketball signed by Michael B. Jordan. Under duress.
Gentlemen, I have not yet exhausted my bag of tricks--
-Where? Is there a bunny? -Show us! I wanna see the bunny.
It's metaphorical, fellas.
See, we didn't win the Cold War
just by making speeches and giving out blue jeans.
Our greatest weapon was American culture itself.
We secretly funded Top Gun, Rocky IV, Red Dawn.
I personally directed a Chuck Norris movie for the Russian market.
[upbeat action music playing]
[in Russian] Take that, turkey!
[in English] Yes! We should do a movie. I'm just like Chuck Norris
'cause people don't think I'm good at karate 'cause I'm white.
Exactly.
A movie that shows how much better life on land is than at sea.
And we'll call it, like, Super Gun 8: The Legend of Jack Landgood.
"This summer, we don't like boats."
Ooh! I can produce. I made a bunch of movies in Hong Kong
with Arnold Schwarzenegger in only one scene,
but then he's the whole trailer.
That fools me every time. In The Dragon Burglar,
he just sells them the train ticket at the beginning.
-We shot that in his kitchen. -You could tell.
-[conga music playing] -[cheering]
Wow, someone works out.
I sued Lucille Roberts so I could go to a gym without fear of bullying.
-Lucy! -Simon!
I am having the time of my life.
These cruise people like the real me.
Pudgy, balding, allergic to my own glasses.
I feel the same way. I mean, not those specifics,
but no one here expects me to be some perfect pageant princess.
I love it here. I wanna marry the boat! Too far. No one heard that, right?
How did I end up in a conga line? I just need to use the radio.
Sweetheart, this is a party. Someone get the Fun Police.
[imitates police siren]
Oh, the Fun Police is real. Blech!
And that's tequila.
It's not. I make it out of boat fuel and pineapple juice. Old Navy trick.
Now don't you let us catch you not-partying again.
-Ho! [chuckles] -And you're drunk again. Neat.
No, on the rocks.
[all laughing]
I am going to stay drunk forever.
Well, that'll make you the first alien ever to go to Dartmouth.
You people suck.
Do not be a buzzkill, Farrah.
I am just here to forget my troubles. Troubles like human bosses.
-[lady] We hate bosses! -[man] Human bosses suck!
Not to mention how much air there is in potato chip bags.
[cheering]
Hey!
[all chanting] Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
[pigeon coos]
Now go. Fly to Lucy.
Don't read it. It's not for you.
Matty? What are you doing down there?
Looking for you.
Me and LaMarr and Johnny Zhao are making a movie.
-We'll act it out on that stage there. -So it's a play?
What? Gross. No, I just said it's a movie.
It's gonna make land look awesome.
So you gotta get everyone on the boat to watch, okay?
No. I won't. You're not my boss.
Yes, I am. I'm everybody's boss. Like Tony Danza. And you're Angela.
Angela hired him. She's the boss.
I mean, maybe at the advertising agency, but--
Whatever. Fine. You're my boss?
Well, I quit.
-So I'm not coming back to land-- -You're fired. Preemptive.
-I did it first. My decision. -No, she quit first. We all saw it.
Axatrax? No. You get back down here.
You are my unlikely friend.
Sorry, I'm all about boat life now. It's drinking o'clock somewhere.
-Yeah, it is! -[man] I love drinking!
Seriously? You're cheering him? That thing killed your families.
And our secret families that were starting to ask questions.
Buggy here is the reason we get to be on a cruise forever!
-Whoo-hoo! -Ho!
I'm staying on the boat too.
No one cares, nerd! You're a nerd!
Not up here, man. Not. Up. Here.
[pigeon coos]
[cheering]
Lucy, that was awesome.
You told him to take that job and shove it.
I know. And he did. He shoved it.
Good riddance.
Me, I signed up for this cruise after Travis shot my boss with a crossbow.
It's Friday's, of course we're gonna sleep together.
But now you and me, we're free.
Finally! Matty is such a child.
He wasted a ton of food trying to play Hungry Hungry Hippos at the zoo.
No! No, you're supposed to wait till your guy presses you.
Not my problem anymore. #cruiselife, #paidad.
For real. I haven't thought about Travis once since we've been here.
Not his sweet-ass frosted tips or his sweet-ass calf implants,
or walking on the beach just holding his hand… gun.
[sobbing] We would shoot jellyfish together.
[crying]
What's going on over here, ladies? Are you crying?
On the Thirsty Princess?
Uh-oh, it's the Fun Police. Get ready for your fun-ishment, Joy.
No, I'm having fun!
I'm crying because I'm laughing so hard. [chuckles]
"Fun-ishment." [laughs forcefully]
Your story doesn't add up, Joy.
You were crying before she made that amazing joke.
-Let's go. -Please!
I'll be good. I wanna party. I wanna laugh.
[cheering]
[indistinct chatter]
[in feminine voice] Oh, Mr. President, secret agent Jack Landgood is here.
That's good.
Land good. Eh?
Because we must defeat the sea. It is inferior to land in every way.
-You can't sleep on water. -What about a waterbed?
-Or build a house on water. -What about a houseboat?
[chuckles nervously]
Get… Get in here, Jack.
Why? This movie's pointless.
Okay, Johnny,
this is why you paid Thomas Middleditch 40 million dollars to teach you improv.
Yes, and?
The boat people aren't even watching.
Lucy lives with them now, everyone likes it better. Who even cares?
This is the worst play I've ever seen.
And I went to a Hebrew School production of Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark.
It's a movie!
And you can't talk to a movie, so shut up! Everybody shut up!
[indistinct chatter]
Maybe we should skip to the president and Ms. Dirtwell's big romantic song.
[in feminine voice] I really should be going, Mr. President.
Come on, honey, let's go check out the cruise.
No way. This is not happening again. I dump you. Preemptive.
As president, I hereby order all you choads to get on that cruise ship.
I'm-a gonna win the limbo contest.
Good. Obey your president 'cause I'm the boss.
And don't even try to come back.
You two are useless.
I'm gonna go party on that boat. And everyone's gonna be like,
"Wow, good partying. You're so good at this."
Johnny, don't go. Think of your business.
What business?
Because of you, all my customers are leaving.
Who will go to the amusement park I wanna build?
It's called Zhao World. It was gonna be so expensive!
Good. Everyone get on the boat. This is a win for me.
Well, I'll… [grunts]
[grumbles]
My decision. Preemptive.
All right, no goddamn adults! We can say whatever we want.
But why?
How is that subversive?
[groans, mumbles]
Stupid boat.
Huh?
Oh, farts. I thought you'd all left.
Everyone else did,
but you'll never catch me on some stupid boat.
Ugh, non-yacht boats are horrid.
They're great when you're trying to send convicts to an island full of spiders,
but then sometimes people come back from Australia.
They're gone. All our citizens. What am I gonna fill our prisons with?
[Jeremy] If it's any comfort,
we English know what it's like to have America turn its back on you.
And for what?
Delaware?
How did they beat us?
They're too drunk to hit a toilet, but somehow built a dad-gummed utopia.
Was I wrong?
About everything?
Who cares? I don't wanna be president of a mug.
Don't bother taking down the flag, Your Highness.
America survived a civil war,
two Catholic presidents, and an alien invasion.
But now it's over.
Y'all can have it back.
Oh, capital! And now that this is England, the official sport is football.
Real football. Play for me.
[whimsical music playing]
[Matty grunts]
-[LaMarr grunts] -[Jeremy chuckles]
-Yes. -[Matty grunts]
-[LaMarr groans] -Oh, wonderful.
-[upbeat music playing] -[cheering]
Hey, boat lady, did you guys ever run into any other boats out there?
Because an Australian stole my yacht, and I miss all my stuff.
Sorry. The only ship we saw these last few months was friend-ship.
But you can't put a price on that.
I've never had this much fun on a boat.
And I once went on a whale-watch with all four grandparents.
Cowabunga! Or should I say moose-abunga!
[cheering]
[button chimes]
Ma'am, you've been warned about non-partying.
How do you still have power?
I assume you generate electricity in motion,
but how many watt-hours--
-[grunts] -[dramatic sting]
Oh, no. Neil, you dropped me.
[Lucy laughs]
Uh-oh. Looks like someone's been having a little too much fun.
Some folks just can't handle their Torpedo Juice.
That's what we called it in the Navy. And at Old Navy, where I also worked.
Dishonorably discharged from both.
Too funny. [laughs]
Anyway, have you seen Joy?
She was really down about Travis. I wanna make sure she's okay.
Now who's had too much boat fuel to drink, Lucy?
There's no one named Joy on this ship.
So how about you shut that pretty mouth of yours
unless you're using it to boot and rally or yell "Whoo!"?
[dramatic music playing]
[cheering]
Come on, guys. No jewelry in the pool.
That's, like, the only rule. Besides have fun all the time.
[party music playing faintly]
[indistinct chatter and laughter]
"To Johnny, my most daughter-like son. Love, your disappointed father."
She lied.
They did find my yacht.
Okay, oh boy.
-How low can she go? -I'm-a gonna win.
How low, indeed.
-[cheering] -[dramatic music playing]
[party music playing]
[song ends]