[patriotic music playing]
Yet again, I've written the headline for you.
[Vance] "Miss Shed"?
My first grade teacher?
She was mean. I don't like this.
It says "mission accomplished."
We beat the boat.
They wanted to eat us, but all they ate was my fist.
So they were disappointed because that wasn't enough food for them?
Uh, it was plenty of food for them.
So they won?
As if.
Those turds took the easy way out.
We could've eaten people, but day one, I said absolutely not.
So it's settled, we're having a parade for me and Lucy.
Um, all right, next order of business, what if we eat people?
-Oh, good Lord. -Stop suggesting that.
And I know people are wondering what's going on with me and Lucy.
Not really. We're mostly trying to deal with what happened on the boat.
I saw a lady throw up, and then the throw-up caught on fire,
and then the fire went up in her, and she exploded.
Well, we totally teamed up to save everyone.
But our relationship is purely professional.
Will it lead to something sexual? Good question.
Like with all great teammates, there's obviously something there.
I mean, you look at Brady and Gronk, right?
You don't have that kind of chemistry without ever crossing the line physically.
On the boat, I saw a guy poop out another guy.
Oh my God, still with that?
It's over. I'm a hero again! Mission accomplished!
-[loud explosion] -[Vance] Oh!
[man screams]
How am I still alive?
-Don't listen to him. This is in the past. -[continues screaming]
[theme music playing]
Wait, you built a radio?
So, what, you could call for another attack?
I knew I couldn't trust you.
Three times you've tried to kill me. The invasion, that rock--
Look, I'm in a real bind here, Farrah.
World's tiniest violin.
I've seen tinier.
And it's not like I wanted to make contact.
I had to.
It was my sworn duty…
Doody. [laughs]
…to follow the Code of Kragnorp.
Its ancient ways are what separate us from the Work Slugs and Jewz.
With a "z." It's different.
The Code is why we must spread our superior consciousness
to inferior worlds.
Sounds like an excuse
to go around the universe being murderous pricks.
[sighs] Look, I need that thing to find what's left of TOD
because my kids' closest friend is a murder cyborg.
Well, if you want to find TOD, you are going to need my help.
"Help"? Right. Maybe you can trick me into another mind-meld.
My dreams have been so weird since then.
[panting]
-Daddy. -[dramatic swell]
-[gasps] -Oh, that is messed up.
-Get out of my brain. -You think I want to be here?
That radio was built for a Cardibean by a Cardibean.
You know, FUBU.
Using it to track a signal
requires four arms and an elbow that does this.
Fine, then you're coming with me.
I'd be happy to.
Even though today is my turn to host book club.
I have other friends.
[whimsical music playing]
There you are. You missed my press conference.
Yeah, I just didn't feel like getting out of bed this morning.
My mom used to do that for, like, days. She was the best at it.
I think I'm depressed.
Wait, are you seriously sad?
Why? We saved everyone.
No, we didn't.
That woman Joy, she's soup now. We didn't save anyone from the boat.
Dude, they were cannibals.
Yeah, but they used to be just like us.
Does that mean we're all capable of that?
Are people just bad?
Um, okay, bye!
What's the point of any of it?
Aw, not you too!
Normally in this country, a boat disaster is an opportunity.
The Maine, the Lusitania, Pearl Harbor.
When a boat gets blowed up, we just go cuckoo bananas.
Next thing you know, the stock market has doubled, we own the Philippines,
and the ghettos are flooded with heroin.
But I… [sighs]
I just don't have it in me.
Well, that's what she said, but come on!
The people on that ship were my people.
Real Americans. And now they're dead.
All those votes, just gone.
Dude, they're dead 'cause we kicked their cannibal asses.
We should be celebrating that.
You know what? Parade.
Executive order.
You and Lucy are planning a victory parade today.
But not during book club.
Axatrax picked The Goldfinch, and it's, like, good.
[whimsical music playing]
I didn't know it was person! I ate person. Oh my God!
No, no, none of this.
Ugh, now you two?
Sir, we need a vehicle.
You're not here to bitch and moan about the cruise ship?
Why would I? Watching humans die while hanging with my best friends?
[chuckling] It was fun.
I need to track down TOD. He's a military asset, so the government--
-Wait, we've got a broken arrow?! -[cinematic music plays]
Travolta, Slater, Mulligan.
With Samantha Mathis, Delroy Lindo, Frank Whaley, Howie Long--
Mr. President, this is urgent.
-General Scarpaccio. -Present.
I want you to provide all of the resources for a hard-target retrieval search mission
with extreme prejudice.
Now, get off my plane.
Okay. Well, I've triangulated TOD's tracking beacon.
So he's alive? I'll bring my compass. I have a compass!
No, his location hasn't changed all morning,
which means he's definitely--
Taking a real long bath after soccer.
We tracked the signal to a shopping mall in Takoma Park, Maryland.
-The one with the Lego store? -You're the best our nation has to offer.
I'm entrusting you with this mission--
Wait! We need a cool name for the mission.
Okay, what's cool? Operation Zack Morris Cigarettes?
-Operation Glow-in-the-Dark Braces? -Operation Candlepin With Belichick.
Operation Midnight Bedtime.
Operation Dad Says "I Love You" at WrestleMania.
Operation Dodgeball Catch.
-Operation Mortal Kombat Pizza Party! -…Kombat Pizza Party!
[whooshing]
-Oh, you're welcome! -[patriotic music playing]
Here you go, pally.
No, you're my hero.
[glass shatters]
Disappointed!
-[whimsical music playing] -[sighs]
[groans]
You call that a parade?
A parade should have duck boats,
so many competing bagpipes that you can't hear anything,
and shirtless Gronk with his arm around Brady,
and you're like, "Is this gonna happen?"
-[Simon moans] -Now you?
No. You're my Urkel.
On the boat I was cool.
Like a sports guy.
But now it's over.
What?! Why are you all still moping?
Because some of us ate man.
Okay, Irstenkay,
eating human flesh and being sad about it isn't a personality.
-God. -Guys, snap out of it.
The alien attack was way worse than the boat,
and we got over that in, like, a day.
What in the name of God,
and I mean his full name, Godfrey von Mandaddy,
are you talking about?
The attack was months ago, and we're doing great now.
I'm president.
We're not over anything.
Everyone we loved is dead.
I don't know what I'd do if I hadn't taken Vanna White's course at UNLV
on smiling through agony.
The final exam was a 15-minute conversation with Pat Sajak.
-And you've caught me crying every day. -I thought that was from my sick burns.
Sir, I may have a stiff upper lip
because of lip death,
but I'm still mourning my dear friend Freddy
who made the best barbecue in D.C.
Freddy, I declare.
I love your barbecue almost as much as I love
your unique brand of homespun wisdom.
Why, our friendship might be the only pure thing in this dirty town.
What's my last name?
-[grunts] -[glass shatters]
Sir, if you think you're over anything, you are in denial.
Okay, look, in life, stuff happens.
If it's stuff you don't wanna think about, you just push it down.
That's the Mulligan way.
Except for… [scoffs]
…Uncle Billy.
Isn't anyone gonna talk about how they really feel?
Without Aunt Agnes--
Oh great, Billy wants to talk.
That'll bring her back to life.
[all laughing]
This is why I became a lighthouse keeper. To get away from you people.
Then go keep your freakin' lighthouse!
I will! I'll go keep it right now.
Okay, pally, see ya.
No, see ya!
[all continue laughing]
Now, that is repressed.
If only you'd done therapy as a child.
I'd recommend my guy, but he's probably dead now.
And he specialized in adult thumb-sucking.
I had my own therapy, thank you very much.
If I had feelings when I was a kid, like angry, or the crying one,
or the one where you go to visit your dad in prison
and they tell you he got let out three months ago,
I'd just get it out of my system by playing some Grand Theft Auto.
GTA 3 was set in a city that was basically just New York.
Including Yankee Stadium. And I would go to town on that thing.
Take that, Jeter.
Oh, you suck, Steinbrenner.
Rivera, you're a class act, I got nothing against you.
Uh, sir, other people wanna play.
Who are you calling "sir"?
Yeah, uh, that's not healthy.
Daddy once locked me in the root cellar for folding Sister's laundry.
You're the sick ones!
You're, like, obsessed with the past.
You should all follow my lead. Just bury your feelings and be happy.
Matty, if you need someone to talk to--
About what?
How my mom was a different lady one year, and no one ever mentioned it?
Like Aunt Viv on The Fresh Prince?
That means I was Will Smith.
It was a good thing.
[all groan]
[scoffs] You know what? This is a good day for me,
and I'm not letting you ruin it.
Get out of my office. And take her with you.
[groans]
A-sure. Drag Fabia out like a sack of delicious spaghetti.
I know I'm a joke to you, but I'm-a real to me.
[groans]
Well, at this rate,
we should reach TOD's dead brain in eight hours.
Unless you are leading us into a trap.
Exsqueeze me?
I'm asking you to express my flermp gland.
I don't have a free hand, and if it pops out… [retches]
[grunts, babbles]
Great, now that's out there.
Also, excuse me?
What makes you think I would lead you into a trap?
Well, lying to my face and then trying to kill me is kind of your deal.
Farrah, I am trying here. I didn't have to tell you about the radio.
Oh, yeah, one favor totally makes up for super-genocide.
I thought humans believed in second chances.
Even after Freddie Prinze Jr. admits to Rachael Leigh Cook
that it was all a bet.
Granted, she should've known. She was such a dog with glasses on.
I'm a scientist. I believe in data. Take TOD-209.
Two hundred and eight other TODs went insane and destroyed themselves,
so I know all that's waiting for us at the end of this journey
is a rotting brain inside a rusting robot
inside a mall where some teen girls once pushed me down an escalator.
I fell for 45 minutes.
-[recorder chimes] -Ow! Ugh! Ow!
-[men laughing] -Ah! Whoa!
Ow, Jesus. Is no one gonna help?
No! Ah, my pants.
Well, there it is. There it all is.
And I have enough data on you, Axatrax, to know that I can't trust you again.
That is cold.
Nope, it's called learning from past experience.
It's also why I won't touch a hot stove or do a pregnancy photo shoot at the zoo.
-I don't want to know-- -They had to put down a lion.
[patriotic music playing]
Sir, uh, we've been talking--
No! Your talking already ruined my parade.
You're not ruining this.
[sighs] Matty, I know we're not together, but you can find a real girl.
Pro-tip, put it in the microwave first.
This happens to be a model for my monument.
You save humanity twice, you get a monument.
New rule.
It's a little abstract for my taste.
I like a statue of a white man on a horse.
-A boy horse. -It's a work in progress.
For the final thing we'll get a pro like the lady who did
the Make Way for Ducklings statue in Boston.
The mother duck used to babysit me while my parents went to the dog track.
-That lady is definitely not alive. -And that's kind of why we're here.
We know you love Boston,
but you have to know it's, like, gone, right?
No, I don't.
Boston's survived a lot worse than some bug attack.
Remember the 1919 Molasses Flood?
Or Jack Nicholson's accent in The Departed?
So, yeah, Boston's probably fine.
Oh boy.
Matty, the first time I ever lost a pageant, I couldn't handle it.
How could the girl from Pahrump win Miss Teen Nevada?
I'm sorry, but if you're deaf, sign language isn't a talent.
If you're ever telling this story again, you can skip that observation.
So I refused to admit I'd lost.
I made my own sash and tiara and did my own mall openings.
This mall isn't open till Miss Teen Nevada says it is!
-[electric crackling] -[groans]
I'm just saying, if you don't accept the truth,
you're gonna snap.
You need to face facts, son. The aliens destroyed everything.
Including the farm that was in my family for generations.
Except for a couple of years after the Civil War.
Okay. We know you won't listen to us, so we need to show you something.
Is it how much you move your hips when you walk?
No, it's not!
[gong tolls]
[melodic drums beating]
No.
The aliens.
They blew it up!
[Lucy] This washed ashore a couple weeks ago.
We weren't gonna tell you. We thought you were going through enough.
But now that we know that you're going through nothing…
[Matty] The Green Monster was destroyed by green monsters.
How could they do this to one of their own?
I know it hurts, sir, but it's for your own good.
Boston is gone.
Of course it is!
They probably blew it up first.
It's a global hub of education and innovation.
With nightlife that in many ways is more vibrant than New York's.
Because the trains, they stop running at one,
but the bars stay open until two,
and then you have no way to get home, so you have to keep drinking!
-[crying] -Yes, that's good, Matty. Let it out.
My childhood was a freaking nightmare!
I went to free Catholic School in Charlestown,
where the nuns were actually armed robbers in nun masks.
And whenever my mom would go missing, my dad would say,
"Son, you're the woman of the house now."
And then he and my sisters would all laugh.
[continues crying]
And now they're dead,
and I have no one to blame for my problems.
So now it's my fault I rejected a baseball scholarship to B.C.
'cause I thought it was a cartoon about cavemen.
[crying]
And also, when I was a baby, my mom would leave me at the firehouse,
and the firemen would just dump me at other firehouses. [crying]
That's probably enough for one day.
Right, ma… maybe we should slip the cork back in this here bottle.
It's too late!
I'm feeling all the feelings!
And you did this to me.
Now I know how Uncle Billy felt.
This is why he ran away,
lied about his qualifications as a lighthouse keeper,
and caused, like, a bunch of shipwrecks.
Wait, where are you going?
[Matty] I'm running away!
And I never want to see you jags ever again.
[crying, grunts]
-Huh? -[dramatic music playing]
Nooooorm!
[Jayson] Your turn, Dr. B.
Ugh, fine.
I spy with my little eye
something that was incinerated by Axatrax
because of the noble Code of Meepmop or whatever.
Is it the kid-shaped pile of ash on that swing set?
Yes, it is.
[electronic beeping]
Wait. The signal is moving.
Does that mean TOD's moving? Like, he's alive?
Oh crap.
Stop the car.
[dramatic music playing]
What in God's full name,
Godzorp Von Aliendaddy, are you doing?
If TOD is alive, we have to kill him.
You put that really cool gun down right now,
so I can play with it.
Two hundred and eight TODs have killed themselves.
I was hoping this one had done it quickly because the ones who don't
tend to do a lot of damage first.
We've been covering it up for years.
The 2003 New York City blackout.
All those wildfires in California.
The envelope mix-up at the 2017 Oscars.
-[uplifting music playing] -[electronic whirring]
[crowd applauding]
So you're just going to blow him up? You're not even gonna give him a chance?
Two hundred and eight other--
You're a hypocrite!
I use the Code of Kragnorp as an excuse for doing bad things?
Well, data is your Code of Kragnorp.
-An excuse to take the easy way out. -[Dr. Braun sighs]
An excuse not to give people a second chance.
Because the numbers say you might get hurt.
Oh my God, TOD's just a robot.
No, you're the robot.
-Oh, snap. -Yeah, that felt pretty good.
And if you want to kill TOD, you'll have to go through us.
-Two highly decorated generals with-- Hey! -[Dr. Braun grunts]
Why is that your move every time?
-[grunting] -[Jayson screams]
[grunting] Whoa!
You'll never find him without my radio. And you can't use it without…
my arms.
Right. Okay.
Oh my gosh. Is Matty still not back?
No. And guess what I've done with all that unchecked power?
Squat!
Not even the fun diddly kind.
I'm kind of worried about him.
What about me?
I'm the last Republican on Earth. The party dies with me.
Along with the secret language that Mother and I communicate in.
Tippata. Deesamay pettapay. [kisses]
-I feel the same way. -Gah! I thought you was cushions!
I thought he was a dog eating a ham.
I can't stop thinking about how the aliens vaporized Robert Caro
just as he was writing,
"In conclusion, Lyndon Johnson was a…"
-A what? We'll never know! -[chair toots]
Well, at least Matty's not here so I don't have to waste ten minutes
trying to convince him that that was a chair.
Which it was. You believe me, right?
Remember the last time your chair did that?
-I order you to stop so I can smell it. -[all laughing]
The role of the executive branch is to carry out and enforce the law,
so you gotta let me.
Did you learn that just for fart reasons?
That meeting was depressing.
Dr. Braun was giving a presentation
on how drinking Dasani was ruining our genitals.
But we were laughing because of Matty.
He does have a way of lightening the mood with his antics.
And not to mention his tomfoolery and… Oh, and his monkeyshines.
I used to babysit a lot.
As a thank-you, the dads would buy me the same perfume as their wives.
And having Matty around is kind of like taking care of a baby.
You can't think about your problems
when keeping a kid from falling down the stairs.
Matty is exactly like that.
Dude, Happy New Year!
Sir, it's May.
Uh, then why am I dressed like this?
Whoa!
Oh no! [grunts] Why!
He distracts us from how truly awful life is now.
[mascot screaming] Oh no!
So that dunderhead is actually useful.
In spite of his head being all full-up with dunder.
Well, he was
until we broke him.
We've gotta find that boy and fix him up.
Like we did with Gerald Ford
after he tripped out of one helicopter into the blades of another helicopter.
[whimsical music playing]
[snorts]
-[suspenseful music playing] -[bear growls]
[pigeon coos]
[Dr. Braun] Gotcha.
[dramatic music playing]
[grunts]
[playing piano]
Oh boy! Cheese-tastic.
[TOD-209] You would not say that if you knew her.
Hello, Farrah.
Okay, this was not predicted by the data.
[TOD-209] TOD played piano.
TOD loved piano.
You haven't killed anyone or forced Apple to simultaneously release products
that use MagSafe, Lightning, and USB-C chargers?
Yeah, a TOD did that. And I have to live with it.
[TOD-209] TOD just exploring feelings through song.
TOD wrote this last night.
-♪ Moon, why are you? ♪ -[piano plays out of tune]
Oh my God.
♪ Star ♪
♪ Other star ♪
♪ Third star ♪
You're not destroying anything.
You're trying to create stuff. I'm the one trying to blow things up.
[TOD-209] Yes. What is anti-tank missile for?
Tanks.
[TOD-209] Sure. Tanks the worst.
TOD, can we start over?
[TOD-209] No. TOD happy here.
TOD have friends now. Fellow robots.
But you're not a robot.
You're a human being.
[sighs] More than I am.
So come home.
Don't listen to her, TOD. She never cared about the music.
Okay, how is that happening?
[whimsical music playing]
[TOD-209] TOD could use fresh brain tank fluid.
Yeah. It's pretty filthy in there, buddy.
Oh, is that a frog?
[TOD-209] Yeah. That Froggy. He cool.
So, what do you say?
[TOD-209] On one condition.
-TOD's band playing a show tonight. -[groans] Goddammit.
[TOD-209] Venue have two-drink minimum,
but patrons strongly encouraged to order food as well.
[sighs] And I'll be there.
[classical piano music plays]
[Lucy] Matty! We know you're in there!
How'd you turkeys find me?
We just figured you'd do what Uncle Billy did.
Since you said you were gonna do what Uncle Billy did.
You're not a complicated person.
Well, you know what else Uncle Billy did?
He never saw anyone from his past ever again.
Actually, he never saw anything ever again,
because he broke the only rule of lighthouse keeping,
don't look at the big light.
That rule also comes in handy if you ever die a little bit.
There's one way you're very different from Uncle Billy.
Uh, yeah, I'm not an uncle.
That I know of.
Um, no.
No one ever cared enough to go find Uncle Billy.
'Cause no one needed him like we need you.
I'm not crying.
It's eye sweat. I just did an eye workout.
You have to come back, sir.
Without your unique leadership, we're three little lost lambs.
Yeah, obviously. [sniffles] It's just, 'cause of you guys,
I'm feeling a lot of stuff that I've been keeping good and buried.
For example, my Aunt Mary became a nun because when I was six--
-Stop it! -I don't wanna hear.
Sir, I think we might have something
that can help you deal with those pesky emotions.
You've got Grand Theft Auto?
Oh, I believe we can do you a sight better than that, Mr. President.
Dude, if this works, we are so going to Friendly's after.
How did you know there was a missile silo under Dupont Circle?
Oh, in the '80s, we put nukes most everywhere.
The government started the Applebee's restaurant chain
just to hide missile silos.
The menu was designed to keep people away.
I mean, what kind of restaurant serves both fettuccine Alfredo
and broiled Cajun trout?
But folks showed up, and we were in a jam.
Sir, we're still waiting on our riblets.
But why do you want them? What do you think they are?
Wait, why were you dressed as a waitress?
For the tips.
Did you launch a nuclear missile?
Yeah, we're nuking Yankee Stadium. Take that, Jeter!
What is wrong with you people?
Well, Matty was sad.
And?
We were also sad.
Oh my God.
I leave for one day… Simon, were you part of this?
You had to see how sad we were.
Then we realized we need Matty. Maybe more than he needs us.
Yeah, I had a basically identical experience with TOD,
and somehow managed not to launch a nuclear weapon.
Oh, shut up. Here we go.
[whooshes]
Everyone's finally accounted for.
Goldman Sachs senior management all survived.
[cheering]
It sure was smart of us to collaborate with the aliens.
[loud explosion]
Ha-ha! Suck it, Bucky Dent!
And also Clemens and Boggs in the latter parts of their careers!
Okay, well, I'm glad everyone's all cheered up.
Because if the wind were blowing even two degrees to the south--
Cool, now we just gotta do the rest of the A.L. East--
No. You're all coming with me to TOD's band's first concert.
Aw, no fair. What'd we do?
♪ Happy birthday to child Chuck E. birthday to you ♪
[scattered applause]
Okay, this makes up for all the times I've tried to kill you.
[TOD-209] Thank you. This next song original.
[all groan]
-Oh my God. -Yes, TOD!
[TOD-209] ♪ Froggy ♪
♪ Pretty Froggy Now that you're gone, I miss you ♪
[ragtime music playing]
[ragtime singer] ♪ Froggy ♪
♪ Pretty Froggy Now that you're gone, I miss you ♪
♪ Froggy, hop away now, you hopped away ♪
♪ And you never said goodbye ♪
♪ But it's okay ♪
♪ Pretty Froggy Because you are wet and green and frog ♪
♪ And I know that "ribbit" means ♪
♪ "I love you" ♪
♪ Froggy ♪
♪ Pretty Froggy You laid eggs inside my brain ♪
♪ And it feels like they are Making me forget ♪
♪ How to blurm flurm blurm blurm flurm ♪
♪ Froggy, Froggy ♪
♪ Goodbye, frog ♪
[song ends]