Ladies and gents, it is time for the rat-bait!
Come on! You've all been waiting for this, haven't you?
In one corner, we have Bullseye! BULLSEYE BARKS
In the other, we got the dirtiest, nastiest rats in all o' London town!
Ah, this is more like it. Spit and sawdust.
Come on, Bullseye. Come on.
BELL RINGS
I've got money on him, Bill.
Well, so 'ave I!
A pint of your finest, please.
There you go.
Oi, Pol, watch the bar for me, would you? I'm too busy rattin'.
What's in it for me? A thick ear if you don't get a move on!
I've got a thirsty customer!
Come on, move it.
Had a rough day? Every day is a rough day where I work.
I had to get out, see some life.
Come on, Bullseye! Eat him! Gnash him!
The people I work for are about as much fun as a punch in the guts.
SHE CHUCKLES
To think you can have all that money and still not be happy.
No amount of cash could bring a missing boy back.
Scotch egg? It's on the 'ouse.
Ah. SHE CHUCKLES
CHEERING
Kill the rat! Bite it!
Mrs Greenwood, the Lady of the House,
she turned her back for one second and he was gone.
Brosie?
He just vanished? Well, that's the stuff of nightmares, innit?
Ambrose, where are you?
Six years it's been now.
She ain't left her bed nor laughed since.
They ain't got any other nippers other than little Brosie.
That was her pet name for him.
SHE SIGHS
Gone forever.
And all that inheritance
just sitting there...
..untouched.
Another Scotch egg?
You told me he could fight! I thought he could.
My nan could fight better than that!
I'm going to gnash these dirty hamsters myself. Show him!
CHEERING Come on!
Argh!
Ooh!
Got me on the peaches! Got me on the peaches! The peaches!
So, the Greenwoods are one of the richest families in London.
Mr Greenwood's Lord Chief Justice, whatever that means.
Every year, they'd put a notice in the paper.
They'd give £5 to whoever finds the boy.
Read all about it! Police raise reward for boy.
We could find that boy and get the reward money.
Looking for a lost kid in London?
That's too much manpower.
Cuckoo.
He's finally lost it. What's a cuckoo?
You're a country girl. Tell him what a cuckoo is.
A cuckoo tricks other birds to raise its chicks. Exactly.
Once the impostor chick has hatched, it takes over the nest
and eats all the other tits and finches, right?
For the benefit of the people round the table that might not understand
what you're talking about, and I don't mean me, what do you mean?
Use your noggin, Bill. Dodger could be the cuckoo.
He turns up at the house, gives it all the long lost boy act,
they take him in, when they're asleep,
he locks them in their bedrooms and then he opens the door for you lot
and you ransack the gaff. Oh!
Would it not be easier to just ask for the reward money?
No, no, they'll ask too many questions. Yeah.
Hang on, hang on. Don't you think it seems a bit cruel?
LAUGHTER
Cruel?! Yeah, you know, to the parents.
Dodger, sometimes you have to do bad things to make good things happen.
Yes. What if I don't even look like him?
It's been six years. Faces change.
I used to be really ugly.
What does he say about this boy?
Master Greenwood has green eyes, blonde hair and a birthmark
that looks like Malta on his right cheek.
He don't have any of those so what are we going to do about that?
Don't worry, you can leave that with me.
Right, I nicked this ink from the tattoo parlour.
I don't want a real tattoo!
It ain't real. It's only going to last a night.
Don't touch your face and, whatever you do, don't wash.
I hope you know what you're doing. HE SIGHS
I've had enough real ones done to know what I'm on about.
I had this one done when my mum died, this one done
when my dad died, this one when my big brother died,
this one done when my little brother died,
this one when my big sister died,
this one when my little sister died, this one when my baby brother died
and these two when the twins died.
I hope you don't have any more relatives
because you're going to run out of space.
I'm the only one left. I couldn't afford a tombstone, could I,
so here I am - a walking memorial.
Anyway, let's get on with it, shall we?
That'll do.
Right, that's his tat done. What are we going to do about his Barnet?
I had a whip round from the sailors.
It's what I use on my lovely blonde hair.
Add a dash of lemon, sprinkle of sunshine, job's done.
And don't it look lovely?
Oh, yeah. It's beautiful, that.
Yeah.
Dip your head in that for a few hours and you're laughing.
Here you go.
What do you mean, whip round from the sailors?
Use your imagination.
But don't gulp.
SHE CHUCKLES
What's she been doing with that boy's 'ead?
LAUGHTER
Looking good, my son. Ha-ha!
Come on, Bill, let's have it.
Now, listen, cos this is important.
From now on, Dodger ain't called Dodger no more.
He's called Brosie, yeah?
Get that through your skulls. Brosie!
Ain't that right, Dodger? Brosie.
Who?
You get the keys from the housekeeper
and lock them all in their bedrooms.
Then, dead on ten,
open the back door and let us in to raid the gaff.
We'll be waiting.
Remember, if they ask too many questions
and you ain't got an answer, do one simple thing.
Just faint.
What do you want?
I...am Ambrose Greenwood.
I was stolen by pirates...
..and now I am home.
GLASS SMASHES
Mr Greenwood!
Come on, don't be shy. Tell the Master what you told me.
I am Ambrose Greenwood.
I was snatched by pirates and taken to the coast of Spain.
Thank you, Mrs McCurdy. That'll be all.
You were captured by pirates, were you? Yes.
Terrible rotters, they were.
They stole gold by the shipload
and slit a man's throat, just like that.
One of them even had badger breath.
Where in Spain were you? I know the country well.
He estado alli muchas veces.
I've been there many times.
Er...er...
Cadiz?
Valencia? Barcelona?
Bilbao? DODGER WHIMPERS
I was blindfolded.
You were blindfolded?
They didn't want me to know where I was being taken, see, innit...
That's what pirates do. Don't play me for a fool, boy.
I run the law in this land. Lie to me and you'll regret it!
I'll give you sixpence and you can be on your way.
I don't want your money.
All I want you to do is tell Mama...
..that Brosie was here.
What did you call yourself?
Why, Brosie, of course.
Mama's special name for me.
You wouldn't think I'd forget about that, would you?
DODGER SOBS
It is you.
I know.
Brosie.
KNOCK ON DOOR
My dearest...
..there's someone here to see you.
No visitors, please, Pugnal.
I'm not strong enough. I need to rest.
Well, I think you'll want to see this visitor.
Brosie?
Hello, Mama.
SHE GASPS
SHE SHRIEKS
DODGER GRUNTS
SHRIEKING CONTINUES
I bet you'll be pleased to see all your lovely things again.
DODGER LAUGHS
My room. Ha!
All my...my things!
Oh... My rocking horse!
Ha-ha!
Ah!
I could get used to this.
Again.
Look at me. I look so la-di-da.
SHE LAUGHS You're funnier than you used to be.
You were a bit boring before, no offence.
Ah, that's better.
You resembled a nasty little pickpocket when you first walked in.
DODGER LAUGHS NERVOUSLY
Now, then, I bet you've missed this fine fellow.
DOG GROWLS
Call him to you.
By his name? Well, yes, obviously by his name.
DOG GROWLS
You want me to call my dog...
..by his name? By his name, yes.
DODGER EXHALES SHARPLY You know his name. Oh, yes.
It's just... There's just...
It's been such...such a long... long time.
You were the best of friends.
You spent every waking hour together.
If in doubt, faint.
I hope he don't get caught.
Of course he won't get caught.
Dodger would wiggle his way out of a pickle jar.
I don't know about that. He's in the house of the Lord Chief Justice.
He'll find it very tricky to get anything past them.
These legal fellas can smell a liar
just as good as we can smell a purse in a pocket.
Exactly, which is why you lot need to be on the street
at ten o'clock tonight, or we're in a very sticky situation.
Mrs Greenwood, what a beautiful day!
I want to get up. You don't have no strength.
You've been in bed for five long years.
Your legs are as weak as wool.
My Ambrose is home and I won't waste a second more in this gloomy room.
If Brosie can make his way home after being captured by pirates,
I can walk three footfalls across this rug.
Ooh.
I can stand.
Oh...! No, no, let me be.
I can do it.
Ooh.
SHE BREATHES HEAVILY
I'm doing it.
Come on, Mama. Nearly there, nearly there.
I'm really doing it. Yes.
Oh... Oh...!
Oh! Oh! Oh!
My dear little Ambrose has made me want to live again.
EXCITED LAUGHTER
Oh, oh, here, look, look, look.
LAUGHTER
I can walk.
Right, gang, time to get going if we want to be there dead on ten.
Good luck.
DOG GROWLS
Brosie.
Yes, Mama? I have a wonderful idea.
Why don't you sing for us?
I've so missed the sound of your beautiful voice,
as if angels sat in your throat.
You want me, erm...
..to sing now?
Yes. Sing our song.
Isn't it a bit late?
Nonsense! It's a marvellous idea.
Come on, Brosie.
# La
# La, la, la, la, la, la. #
Good song.
Erm, that wasn't a song, that was an arpeggio. Oh.
Mama, could you please remind me what our song is?
Largo al Factotum del Barbiere de Siviglia.
Oh, that one.
Yes.
# La, la, lalera
# La, la, la, la
# La, la, lalera
# La, la, la, la... #
Keep it down.
He better be there dead on ten or he'll be dead at ten.
# ..La... # HE SINGS OUT OF TUNE
# La, la-la, la-la... #
THEY CONTINUE SINGING
# La! LA!
# La, la, la! La, la, la, la!
# La, la, la! #
# LAAAAAAAA!
Is that Dodger? Is he singing?
# AHHHHHH! #
PIANO STOPS
Bravo!
Your voice sounded different.
Oh, it must be all the sea air.
It's made my pipes rusty. Hm. And you've lost your lisp.
It comes and goes.
You'll still be able to play the trumpet though, won't you, dear?
SHE GIGGLES
Come on, Ambrose, don't be shy.
If in doubt, faint.
He's overwhelmed, poor dear.
Goodnight, my sweet boy.
DOOR OPENS, CLOSES
HE EXHALES
Mama, what are you doing?
It's been so many years, I wish to stare at your angelic face
all night long.
All night? All night.
I will not take my eyes off you.
I ain't getting cold, I ain't getting caught, I'm off.
And just leave him?
Yes. Come on.
Chitling. Chitling. Chitling! I'm not waiting around for nothing.
HE GROANS
Before you fall asleep, I have a very special gift for you.
I had this locket made.
See? I am on one side and you are on the other.
And now we are together again.
I knew you'd return.
Everyone else told me to give up hope, but I never lost faith.
Shh.
Sleep now, dear boy.
You're home.
I ain't going nowhere.
I'll wait all night if I have to.
SHE GASPS What are you doing on there?
Get off!
Hairs everywhere!
Oh, there's me keys.
They must have got snagged when I carried you to beddy-byes.
HE SPITS Ah! Ooh!
I saw him through the window.
He was wearing one of those frilly nighties,
the type a princess might wear.
This wasn't part of the plan.
He was supposed to open the door. We need him to deliver, tonight.
You know what's happened, don't you?
He's got a new life.
He don't need us no more.
Got his feet under the table.
I knew this would happen.
I told you from day one, from the moment he nicked my bed!
He's making us all look like mugs! Are we going to take that, are we?!
Are you going to take that?
No! He's living the life and we've put him there,
with his servants and his meat on tap and his fireplaces
that actually have fire!
And what do we get, eh?
Nothing but bellyache. BULLSEYE BARKS
Bullseye, come on.
Come on. Get down there, Bill's on the rampage.
Quick! Gotcha.
Happy now?
Papa, can I play in the garden?
Er, yes. But I won't let you out of my sight.
Can't risk losing you again, dear.
Thanks!
HE CHUCKLES
Well, some best mate he turned out to be, eh?
Left you all alone.
But I bet you're used to that, ain't ya?
HE LAUGHS
Playful little scamp, isn't he? Yes.
Now Brosie's returned, we should get a new portrait painted.
Hmm. Good idea.
Aw, look at him.
HE CHUCKLES
Our boy is having fun. Yes.
Psst! What are you doing here?!
What are you playing at, Dodger?
I'm starving, we've not eaten in a week.
Who's he talking to?
Perhaps he's talking to himself.
He has a troubled mind, poor dear.
You've got to get out of here. You've got to go!
What's taking you so long?
I'll go and see to him.
Leave it out, will ya? I'm trying my best. Mother's having a really hard
time... She's not your mother, Dodger, she's just some woman.
I know. I know who me own mum is.
Actually, I don't, but... You've got a job to do, so do it.
What have you pinched so far?
Nothing. Nothing?!
Oh, you're useless! You've gone soft.
It's all those venison sandwiches and velvet bum cushions.
Everyone's turning against you.
Even your mate, Charley, that forest freak.
She don't even speak and we're lumbered with her.
What's that? Oh, no, give me that back!
That's not yours!
It's not yours either.
Look, them lot are dripping in diamonds.
They're not going to miss a locket.
Give me them slipper things.
Oh, but... Give me the slippers.
I like these.
SHE SNIFFS That's weird.
What? You've lost your pong.
Well...I've had a bubble bath.
Ooh!
A bubble what?
Ambrose.
Just get out here! Go! Go!
Ambrose? Oh, hello, Papa.
Who are you talking to?
Oh, just the bees.
Ah.
Ambrose, where are your shoes?
Oh, Papa, I do love to feel the grass under my tights.
Do you? Hm.
Try it. Erm...
Well, I suppose I...
Why not?
It's, erm... Yes.
Fresh. THEY LAUGH
Springy.
I like it. Me too.
Let's race back to the house. Erm, after you.
What a pair of plums.
What's the matter, Papa?
I have a...a feeling, in here.
Oh.
It must be all the trifle you gobbled down at lunch.
And the cheese.
I did rather overdo it, didn't I?
A gentleman never walks away from a cheese board.
No, it's...it's not indigestion.
I think...
I think it's love.
You know, I was not very interested in you
before you went missing, that is.
In fact, I thought you were awful, always squawking and red-faced,
not very fragrant, like a grub in a bonnet.
I never wanted children.
Couldn't see what all the fuss was about.
I wasn't a good father, Brosie.
Always busy, I never gave you enough time.
I owe you an apology.
But now you're back home,
I'm going to be the best daddy a boy ever had.
You will call me Daddy, won't you?
Papa sounds so formal.
Yes, Daddy.
Oh, here she is, finally.
Well, did you see Dodger, then? Did you pass on the message?
Yes, I did.
Did he mention me at all? No, he didn't.
And while I was there, I managed to nick some stuff.
I took these off his feet.
Look at them, they're soft as puppies.
What, is that it?
Who wants these? Me. I want them.
No, obviously, that's not it.
I also nicked this.
Hang on. There's a picture of some boy and his mum here.
Who wants to buy that?
Take the pictures out.
Now I can flog it.
Yeah, not without me you're not. Yeah, and me, with my new slippers.
I know that face from somewhere.
You don't remember me, do you? Master Greenwood.
I've painted you already,
before your...disappearance.
Lovely sitter you were.
Not at all fidgety.
But I never forget a face.
Especially not a face that I have studied
ever so, ever so carefully.
What's this for?
Just a prop.
To enhance the composition.
After all... DOORBELL RINGS
..this painting will join the many magnificent works in your...
..family's collection.
Ahem.
How do. Where's Mr Warburton?
He's got the trots, so they sent me instead.
But he's the only tuner allowed to touch our baby grand.
Well, what about the piano then?
You're leaning on it.
Oh! Yeah.
So I am.
Let's have a look-see.
HE BANGS KEYS
It don't have much welly, do it?
You know? I-I-I wouldn't...
Well, here's your problem - there's wood in it.
I don't think that's supposed to come out. And more. And more.
You've got a load of string in here as well.
I've seen this before.
Don't pull that bit! Don't pull that bit!
There we go.
I cannot work with this racket,
but I shall return...
..to finish you off.
Mind the orange. Ooh! Ooh!
What you done to your hair?
I'm, I'm just...trying something different.
You ain't the Dodger no more.
You're just a powdered pompom.
You was only supposed to stay one night.
Well, it's a big job, Bill.
You can't rush these things...
You're going to rip my ruff!
Oh, yeah?
Well, I'll make things very ROUGH for you indeed
if you don't let me in tonight, boy!
But not ruff like neck ruff, like rough!
Like, rough stuff! Rough! Ha-ha!
Do you get it? Yeah? Get it?!
I get it. Yeah.
You're going to let me in tonight or you're going to come with me now.
I promise. I'll do it tonight. OK.
How are you getting on?
Yeah, all finished. HE CHUCKLES
That should play beautiful.
All the songs. Every single one.
Shh! Very quiet now.
BUCKET CLATTERS
If he don't do it tonight, I'll kill him twice.
Why are you so angry all the time?
What did you say? "If Dodger don't do this, he'll be dead."
"If Dodger don't do that, he'll be dead." Why are you like this?
Why's everyone got to be dead all the time? Because I like it!
And if you keep prodding me and asking me stupid questions,
then I'll prod you.
I'll prod you in the neck until you're six feet under,
and then I'll keep prodding you until you're 12 feet under.
There you go again - kill, kill, kill. What is wrong with you?
Just be nicer.
NO!
He's coming down the stairs, I can hear him. Get ready.
Sorry, Ambrose.
I know what you've done.
She's not your mummy.
She's my mummy.
How can you live with yourself?
You're a bad, bad boy.
Oh, he's taking his time!
Come on!
Dodger! Dodger, you open this door.
I can't do it to them, Bill.
They're so kind to me.
Boy, I'll show you kind!
If you do not let us in now, I will take you to the local
taxidermist and I'll get you stuffed!
I'm sorry.
He's gone up the stairs. He's gone up the stairs.
He's gone up the stairs, he's gone...
He's taking the mickey out of us.
I'm going to tear that boy a new ear hole, and don't you start!
I've had enough. Give me that crowbar. I'll do it myself.
GROWLING
Come on.
Polly! Oh, it's you.
I told you not to come back here.
What are you doing?! What's it look like I'm doing?
If you won't rob the place, I will.
Put that back, that's expensive!
Shut up.
I'll shout. You wouldn't.
I mean it. You'd dob me in it?
Let go! No, you let go! No, you let go! No, you let go!
Fine! POTS CLATTER
Go, go, go, go! Who's there?
Master Ambrose? Brosie.
What on earth are you doing down here?
Hm?
I... Oh, he's sleepwalking.
Look, he thinks he's still with the pirates. Poor lamb.
I'll put you to bed. Oh! You need to rest.
Oh! Come on, my dear. Yes. Pirates!
Oh! Please, don't let me walk the plank!
Mama! Yes, darling.
WHIMPERING AND YELPING
Pat?
HEAVY THUD
Hello?
You never, ever get attached to the people you're robbing.
The moment you get that warm, fuzzy feeling, you're done.
Cos that warm, fuzzy feeling doesn't put food
in your belly, does it?
No man can live by fuzz alone.
It's the number one rule in the criminal rule book.
Can I see it?
Has it got gory pictures?
No, it ain't an actual book, Tang. Oh.
It's a code, a criminal code.
You learn it as you go along.
What's a criminal's worst enemy?
The police. Wrong. The judges?
Wrong. The hangman. Wrong!
Wrong, wrong, wrong!
A criminal's worst enemy is?
His conscience.
Exactly!
Now, Dodger has grown a conscience
and that is a very, very dangerous thing to do.
Brosie. Brosie, are you ready?
We have to go into town for an important engagement.
You look fatigued.
Yes, Mama. I am a little bit tired.
Where did you say we were going again?
It's a surprise.
Is this a police station?
Yes, that's right.
It's Whitehall Place, where the head of the police force works
with all his fine officers.
Fascinating.
But why are we here?
You need to tell the police what happened to you.
They may even let you have a peep in one of their cells.
You can tell them all about the bad people who took you away.
It's very important, Brosie.
It's time to be a big, brave boy.
Hurry. They're waiting for us.
No, no, no, no, no, no!
I don't want to go in. I don't want to go in.
If I go in, I'll never come out again.
Of course you will.
What are you talking about? They've got suspicious minds, coppers.
They have to see the bad in people.
That's their job.
They won't believe me.
You know I'm your son, but they'll just think
I'm after the reward.
How do you know about the reward?
I thought you'd been at sea.
Miss McCurdy told me.
Don't be absurd, Brosie.
Police officers are good people.
They'll put me in a room with no windows and shout at me
right up close, getting spit my eyes, and ask me questions
over and over again
till I don't even know that two and two make three,
and yelling, "You're a liar! You're a liar!"
And I won't be able to cope, I'll crack.
I'll say whatever they want, I'll say, "Yes, I am a liar.
"I'm the biggest liar that ever lived!"
Brosie, you're babbling!
If I step through the door of that police station,
you'll never get me back.
Never, ever.
Where are you going? Home.
I can't risk losing him for a second time.
How queer.
SHE HUMS Darling...
..does Brosie seem a little off to you?
Off? No.
He's just had a bad day, that's all.
Only to be expected with everything he's been through.
Who knows what those horrid pirates did to him.
Hm. Yes.
But there's something not quite right.
His voice changed today, did you notice?
His accent sounded quite common.
Yes, well, he has travelled rather a lot.
What are you saying?
Nothing.
I'm just tired.
I'm so happy we have our little Brosie back. So, so happy.
DOG GROWLS
Oh, do let us see it, Mr Loomis. I can barely contain my excitement.
With pleasure.
What is the meaning of this?
Where is Master Ambrose?
I cannot paint Master Ambrose,
because Master Ambrose is not here.
Brosie is before your very eyes, Mr Loomis.
This?
This is an impostor.
I do not wish to paint him.
Mr Loomis! Hear me out, madam.
Why do you keep lobbing oranges at me?
Did you notice in which hand the imp caught the orange?
His right. And Brosie, if I am not mistaken, is...
..left-handed.
I can prove it further.
Come here, you retch! Argh! No!
Get off me! I knew linseed oil would get it off.
This birthmark is a mere daub,
no doubt tattooed by some other master criminal!
Get off me! If you're not Brosie, then who are you?
Spit it out!
My name's Jack.
Jack Dawkins. Oh!
And, yes, I am here to rob you.
But it wasn't my idea.
Well, the thing is...
..you were so nice.
You didn't deserve to be tricked.
And I was proud to call you my mum and my dad,
even if it was for only a...couple of afternoons.
Oh.
Oh, my dear.
He's a liar and a cheat.
He should be hanged this very afternoon.
Oh! That would my pleasure.
Stop, all of you!
Or I'll...I'll flick this all over your priceless paintings.
No! You wouldn't dare! That's a van Dyck, it's worth thousands. Please.
Try me.
What about this one? No. Don't move!
I'm sorry.
Pat, attack!
Master Ambrose?
DOG BARKING
I still get paid, right?
Oh, you've come back, have you?
You think you can just walk in whenever you want?
Well, you can't. You're not welcome.
So get back in that dumb waiter and sling your hook.
I-I-I'm sorry... I don't want to hear it.
Take them fancy clothes off him. We can sell them.
Minnie says he's back. Where is he? Where's Do...?
Two nights I sat outside freezing my thumbs off!
Bill, he's not worth it.
You have let us down.
We can't trust you.
So get your hat, get your clothes, and go.
You're not worthy of being in this gang.
Go and join the mud larks or the beggars or something.
Go on! Get out of it!
Wait!
I know where the real Ambrose is.
He was here somewhere, I'm sure of it.
You did your card trick on him the first time we came.
There! Can you spare a penny? That's him!
Oi! Ambrose.
It is him!
Quick, come with us!
Oh, all right! I'm coming.
KNOCKING I'm coming!
What do you want?
Errand boys go round the back.
No. No!
Is it you? Master Ambrose!
Oh! Come here! Oh, our boy!
Oh, look at you.
Oh, Mrs Greenwood! Mrs Greenwood! Look. Look who it is.
Look.
Brosie? Mama. Mama!
SHE WHIMPERS What's all this racket?!
Oh, not again.