Well, come on. It's your go.
Where's me pony?
I want to put my pony down, make it do the jump thing.
I don't know.
All right, Dodge? You got a penny for me?
I wish I did, love. I can't even afford it myself.
Lean pickings today.
A lot of hard work for nothing.
It's a shame loot don't fall out the sky.
I wouldn't be sitting here if it did.
Give me my pony back. I ain't got it. Yes, you have.
Come on.
HE SIGHS
I knew it.
It's all wet now! Oh!
Secret door. It's open.
Someone's broke in.
Can't do that. Can't push it.
Well, you can't put it in your mouth.
Trouble! What kind of trouble?
Someone's broken in.
What? To our gaff?
Nobody knows where it is apart from us.
Come on!
Well, go on, then.
Come on!
Cowards.
Typical. Still no grub in the cupboards.
I'm so hungry, I could eat a stove if it were buttered.
Oi! That's Fagin's chair.
I know.
I nicked it for him.
Nancy?
Hello, Fagin.
Who are we meeting then, sir? What's with the secrecy?
Sh! Just keep watch and you'll see.
Ah, here they are. Come.
I do love the secret assignation at short notice.
Your Majesty. If this meeting is regarding the juvenile assassin...
No, this is a different matter.
Have you heard of the Burmese Star?
Oh, yes, of course, it's one of your finest jewels.
I have some concerns about its security.
We seem to have a thief in the palace.
We already let one servant go that we suspected,
but it keeps happening.
We can't trust anyone.
It's most likely one of the riff-raff who works downstairs.
I fear they have their sights set on my Burmese beauty.
Well, might I suggest that I put two of my men on the case,
install them in the palace undercover?
We shall set up a special operation.
Perhaps you can leave the palace for a few days under some excuse,
and my men can keep an eye on your staff?
These men of yours, they must be beyond reproach.
Oh, indeed! Nothing but the best for you, Your Majesties.
I will put my two finest men on the case.
Blathers... Sir!
Fetch Thompson and Taggart.
Sir, erm...
How have they broken their legs?
What were they doing on the roof of Suffolk Cathedral?
A cat?
Never mind. Your Majesty, I will put my second best men on the case.
Blathers, fetch Dixon and Lewis.
Oh, sir...
In hospital? How?
Who fell on them?
Taggart and Thompson, yes.
Never mind. Who is available?
Oh, well, sir... HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
Erm...
Leave this with me, Your Majesty.
Ah! Squirrel! Gah!
Oh! DUFF YELLS
Where is it? Eurgh! I don't like them!
Training exercise. YELLING
You, er... You look, er...
..bonnie.
Shame I can't say the same about you.
Yeah, well, being betrayed does that to a mush.
Oh, come on, Fagin, I hardly betrayed you.
Huh! I just grew up, moved on.
Are these your little dippers?
Nice to meet ya, I'm Dodger.
No? It ain't, is it?
Little Tommy?
I go by Tom now. I done a stretch, as it goes.
Oh, yeah? Last time I saw you, you were still wetting the bed.
He's not still doing that, is he? Sometimes.
CHILDREN LAUGH I do not!
Well, this place ain't changed. Still a dump.
But I suppose I got too used to the palace.
The palace? What palace?
Well, the Queen's palace, of course.
Is that where you've come from? Yeah.
She having us on? No, God's honest.
I was a royal chambermaid.
See? Girl like me working for the palace. Not bad, eh?
We need to talk.
Oh, Nanny, there is something I must tell you.
We're leaving for Windsor this afternoon.
That's rather unexpected, ma'am.
Yes, well, it's all part of a ploy.
You mustn't say, I am bound to secrecy.
There's a thief in the palace and we've got secret agents inside
to find the guilty party. Oh!
Darling, you heard what the Police Commissioner said.
Well, Nanny's all right.
She's not like the others, are you, Nanny?
Oh, thank you, ma'am.
The Queen can't have a grown woman brushing her hair.
She's a grown woman herself.
I shall take over the royal grooming duties.
Bertie's right, Nanny.
But Your Highness, I have brushed your hair every day
since you had hair to brush. Exactly.
Now it's time for me to do it.
No!
Give it to me. No! Ja!
Give it to me!
Give him the brush, Nanny.
Ma'am.
Sir.
You've such wonderful hair, darling.
Swindles! Yes, Your Majesty.
Prepare the royal coach, we are leaving for Windsor this afternoon.
Certainly, Your Majesty.
A letter would have been nice. Well, I can't write and you can't read,
so what would have been the point in that?
Granted.
And even if I could write, the Queen's royal staff read
everything that goes in and out.
Your life ain't your own, it's like living in a prison
but with better pillows.
And anyway, I couldn't be seen mixing with criminals, could I?
What you come back for, then? It's not to ask after my health, is it?
I'm in the pink, thank you very much for asking, not that you did.
I got sacked for nicking things from the palace.
That's my girl. What you nick? Nothing!
For once. But they still pinned it on me, didn't they,
just cos I'm from the gutter.
Six years scrubbing that royal chamber pot, and for what?
Well, do you know what? I'm not going to let it lie, Fagin.
That's why I've come here. I want revenge.
Do you, now?
I've thought of a way to get rich and even,
but I need your kids to do it. For what?
We're going to steal the Queen's favourite rock.
The Burmese Star.
FAGIN LAUGHS OUT LOUD
Nancy, you're home.
When I stare into it, Bertie... Hm.
..it's like I can see into another world.
I'm the queen of there as well.
I'm the queen of nearly everywhere.
Australia, Bermuda, Canada.
There's one for nearly every letter of the alphabet,
including some places I don't even know where they are,
like Zanzibar and Papua New Guinea.
You have such a big empire.
And I will protect it.
There.
Oh, Bertie, you're so clever.
You're always thinking about bridges and drains and concert halls.
And now this.
How does it work?
It's so complicated.
I can only explain it in German.
Wenn jemand das Juwel vom Samtkissen hebt, hebt sich das Kissen und
klopft an diesen Hebel, der an einer Schnur zieht, die unter dem Boden
und durch die Wande verlauft, um sie an dem Netz von Riemenscheiben
zu befestigen, das eine Reihe von glocken im glockenraum lautet.
Dies wird jeden im Haushalt darauf aufmerksam machen,
dass das Juwel gestohlen wurde!
Die Diener werden sofort alle Ausgange blockieren und der
Dieb wird gefasst!
Clever, Bertie.
KNOCK ON DOOR Come.
Your Majesty, some visitors to see you.
Officer Blathers and Duff reporting for duty, Your Majesty.
We have announced to the staff that we're leaving
for Windsor this evening. You will have a week to catch the sneak.
You can count on us, ma'am. Your Majesty.
So I know the palace like the back of my hand,
what time the guards change, where Queen Victoria keeps her jewel.
And I've also got a man on the inside.
Yes, Your Majesty?
All we've got to do is wait for the Queen to be out of the way,
nip in, nick it, nip out, nip home and we'll all be rich.
Are you having a laugh?
So you think we're going to strut into Buckingham Palace,
walk straight through the front door, nick the Queen's biggest jewel
and then leave scot-free? You're stupid.
Back door, actually.
And, yeah, it is that easy.
You see, there's a way to move about inside the palace
without anybody seeing you. How?
The chimneys.
Do you know how many kids die in them chimneys?
They're like tombs in the sky.
These aren't ordinary kids, are they, Fagin?
These are your kids
trained to be the best. Right?
It'll be worth it, Fagin, for a jewel that size.
And think of all the respect we'd get from the other crims, eh?
Right, we are in.
Now, all we need is the old chimney sweeps to disappear
and this lot to take their place.
Disappear?
Well, you know me, Nancy, I don't do violence.
But I do know somebody who does.
Bullseye! Bullseye! Quiet!
BANGING ON DOOR
Bullseye... Sh!
What do you want?
Nancy. All right, Bill?
Ugly as ever.
DOG BARKS
Eurgh! Sorry about that.
Bullseye had some bad gammon.
Bless him!
Welcome to my gaff. It ain't much, but, you know...
Yeah, I've been meaning to decorate the walls with
whatever you decorate walls with. Pictures.
Really? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
And not only that, I've got a plan, move some things around.
I was thinking about moving this table, right, from here...
..to here. Nice.
Do you want to have a sit down?
You, er, you hungry? Do you want a wittle?
Erm... I've got some pie.
Well, there was pie. I've eaten most of it.
It was either me or the rats.
Only joking, there's only a couple.
Apple? Oh. Oh, well, sorry.
It's all right, Bill.
Thanks anyway.
Here you are, Bullseye.
It's been a long time.
What can I do you for?
Fagin said if I needed anybody sorting out, I was to come to you.
Who? The Royal Chimney Sweep.
How much damage can I do?
No damage. Oh, come on.
Not even a brain wallop or a rib dig? No.
All we need to do is put him out of action for a few hours,
nab his brushes. Shame.
Read all about it. Shut up!
Oi, mush.
I'm looking for Chubby Cruttons, the chimney sweep.
I heard his gaff's around here somewhere.
Well, it'll cost you.
How about a pound?
A fist?
If you don't tell me where he is now.
No.
I don't do business with bullies, pick on someone your own size.
I've tried.
There ain't no-one my size.
No, I mean it. All I get is horrible people like you asking me for this,
asking me for that.
When's anyone going to think about me for a change?
Sometimes I think about my life,
and I say to myself, what do we do it for?
You're born, you beg, you sweep, you die.
What's the point, eh?
I mean, knowing my luck,
I'll be sweeping the streets of heaven, if I get there.
Which I won't, cos...
..I lie and...
..I accidentally trod on a snail once, which makes me a murderer.
Are you finished? Yeah. Sorry, I had to get it off my chest.
You know, having one of them days.
Oh, look, what a coincidence, that's him coming now.
Mr Cruttens? Who's asking? Me.
Ouch! I'm taking that.
Here, I got something for you. This will perk you up.
Have a nice new brush, eh?
Cor, it's a beauty. Ain't it just?
BILL LAUGHS
Ta-ta.
CRUNCH
Only gone and trod on another snail.
Right, look, fourth chimney along, that's the one we need to go down
to get into the Queen's bedroom. That's where she keeps the sapphire.
The chimney is the only way in because the doors will be locked
and there's always footmen patrolling the corridor.
Who's going up the chimneys? Can't all go.
She's the smallest. Me?
Her lungs ain't up to scratch.
She's not actually sweeping it.
Look, all you've got to do is climb up it.
Can't be any worse than you had down Tottenham Court Road.
What about the rest of us?
Dodger and Tom, you're going in with Tang.
We need the palace to think you're all pukka sweeps. Girls,
you'll come with me.
Now let's go before we're seen.
I'm not scared of a chimney, honest.
Come on.
Oh! Just stop fidgeting.
Oh, God. Duff, Duff!
What? Stop fidgeting.
I can't help it. I've got dodgy lugholes.
Stop shouting!
Ah, I can't hear buttons.
Ssh. Be quiet. What?
Stop shouting.
I've got something in my... water in my ear.
You two, come with me. Yes, sire.
What did he say?
Go.
Get upstairs.
HE CLAPS HANDS Come!
Footman number one.
That's you.
You will patrol the roof and footman number two,
you will watch the bell.
You.
Do not take your eyes off it, not for one instant.
If you have to blink,
do it quickly.
If the bell rings, that means the jewel has been lifted,
which means you raise merry hell!
Very well. Ja?
HE MUTTERS
Oh, not fair.
Why have I got a boring job staring at a bell?
I want to be in the rooms with all the gold stuff.
That's what I'm trained to do. That is a good job
and that is an important job.
All right? Now, I'm going up on the roof, but you watch
the bell, all right?
And, Duff, Duff, Duff!
Duff. Duff!
Duff! Duff!
Duff! Duff! Duff!
Don't take your eye off that bell.
All right?
Those are my morning dresses.
Those are my afternoon dresses, that's for my collection of pipes,
those are my evening dresses and those are my dresses
for parties and dancing. Hmm.
What is this trunk for?
I don't know. And I don't care.
I just like the look of it.
So are you ready to leave now?
Just waiting for Nanny.
We're not taking her with us, are we?
She goes everywhere with me.
She thinks she owns you.
It's not healthy.
You don't need a nanny any more.
Nanny is part of the furniture.
She certainly is.
And like a piece of old furniture, she needs to be got rid of.
It's either me or her.
Oh, very well, Bertie.
You win, you're always right.
I'm ready, ma'am.
I do love a trip to Windsor.
Why is she wearing her outer garments?
She's not coming with us. Ma'am?
Sorry, Nanny.
Bertie and I would like some time alone.
Swindles!
Is our carriage ready?
Yes, Your Majesty.
Good. Now when I come back, I want to see this place spotless, cleaned
from top to bottom.
Of course, Your Majesty, I will personally ensure
that it is completely cleaned out.
You can trust me, Your Majesty.
Daffodils? Leafy things.
Hello, sir.
Fancy a posy for your buttonhole?
I do.
Got the sweeps sorted.
The Queen is leaving for Windsor tonight.
Got to move fast.
That is lovely, sir.
Yellow's your colour.
We're on. Flower, miss? Flowers? Flowers?
Minnie, pour us a drink.
None of that watered down stuff.
I know your game. What are you talking about?
If you've come to mess Fagin over, you'll have me to answer to.
I'm quaking in my boots.
What are you going to do, brain me with your tankard?
I saw the way he was when you ran off.
What do you mean? He weren't right for months.
He thought some 'arm had come to you.
We all know what he went through years back.
We all know why he's the way he is.
Aw, and why do you care? You got a soft spot for him?
Oh! Husband number three, is it, eh?
I'm just thinking about my pocket.
When he's moping around, he ain't working. I like getting my rent.
If he suffers, I suffer.
I've known you a long time, Nancy girl, and a leopard
don't change its dots.
I'll get a drink somewhere else, shall I? Yeah.
BANGING
Wakey-wakey, rise and shiney.
You've got a palace to rob this morning.
No time to waste.
Get suited up, get going.
Heh, heh, hey-hey. Ya!
You Nancy's pals?
Yeah.
Hurry up. Clock's ticking.
I hope you know what you're doing, because I'm not pulling you
out that chimney, dead or alive.
He seems nice.
Come on.
Stay off that marble.
Watch it!
All right, start with this fireplace.
Little one, you get up in there, go on.
Don't be scared, you know what to do.
Mr Swindles! Are these your usual chimney sweeps?
Oh, no, Mr Cruttens and his lads usually do the chimneys. Ah.
Where is Mr Cruttens? Holiday.
Sick. Dead. Accident.
Yes. He had an accident and took a holiday to recover... In France.
Yes, in France, where he... Got sick. And died.
Yes.
So he won't be coming back.
His was a hard life.
God rest his soul.
I'm warning you, don't be pilfering anything.
You'll be searched thoroughly on your way out.
As you were.
Yes, Your Majesty.
That was the police. What?
Yeah, he's right.
He showed up with another fellow, gormless-looking,
stocky thing, is he plod too? Yeah.
Oh, they're spying on us.
All right, he's in the bell room.
I'll keep him busy.
Get up that chimney!
Go on, steal that jewel!
All right, all right, hurry.
You know what to do. Go up the chimney.
Get on the roof. Fourth chimney along.
Climb down. Get the jewel. Get out.
I don't like it, it's really dark.
You heard what Swindles said, now get up there.
I'll be right behind you.
Go on. Hurry up.
Excuse me, sir.
DOOR BANGS
PANTING
COUGHING
Help. Help, Dodger. Help!
It's OK, Tang.
Dodger, I'm stuck. I'm coming after you.
Dodger, help! Help!
Dodger, help!
Get me out. Get me out.
I'm coming, Tang.
Don't panic.
Help.
HE GROANS
Don't move!
Help, Dodger, help!
I'm coming. I've got you.
Keep coming.
COUGHING AND SPLUTTERING
All right, listen, listen. Go back up there, all right?
I'm not going up again. That copper bloke smells a rat
and he's going to be down here to check our chimney work.
So get up there! You can't make me. Yes, I can!
Stop!
I'll go. You're too big.
You'll get stuck there, and I ain't pulling your skellington out.
You won't have to.
I'm the Artful Dodger, and I can dodge a bit of chimney dust.
DRAMATIC MUSIC
HE SIGHS
HE GRUNTS
I don't see why we have to come back so soon.
Windsor is boring.
Anyway, I want to see if they've caught the thief.
But the police have not had long enough.
Nonsense.
They've got their best men on it.
HE SIGHS
Phew.
DODGER COUGHS
Did you get it?
Not yet. What are you waiting for?
The police, they're on the roof!
I'm telling you they know something, we need to get out.
We need to call the whole thing off. No!
We won't get this chance again.
This has taken months of planning.
Me and Nance had it all sewn up.
Now don't muck it up and get up that chimney!
It's the only way to do it.
All right.
Fourth one along...
COUGHING
Your Majesty, you're back.
It looks like it, doesn't it?
What are you doing?
We, we haven't, we haven't finished the...the cleaning.
I don't care.
You can clean around me, I'm going to my room.
But it's...it's not ready yet.
Your Highness.
Get out of my way.
Awful man, you should get rid of him.
What are we going to do? Dodger!
Dodger, can you hear us! Dodger!
Dodger! Dodger. You stay 'ere.
If Dodger gets caught, we're in serious trouble.
DOOR OPENS
Hm, everything seems to be in order.
Hmm. My jewel's still safe.
Whoa, light the fire, would you, Bertie?
Oh, ahh.
I need a kiss, Bertie.
No, no.
SHE GIGGLES
Remember, if you get stuck up a chimney and they light a fire,
if in doubt, pee it out.
THEY GIGGLE
Come on, please.
LIQUID TRICKLES
Ohhhh!
Oh, you oaf, Bertie, you didn't light it properly.
Oh, let me check.
That's strange.
It's wet and damp.
What's that smell?
Smells like sauerkraut.
Let's go somewhere warmer.
We can find another room.
There are 40 to choose from.
So exciting, let's go.
I'm so tired, can't keep my eyes open.
Three?
Here, miss, would you like a flower?
What's taking him so long?
BELL RINGS
RINGING REVERBERATES
Oh, my bell! That's my bell! Oh!
My bell is ringing!
Someone is trying to steal the Burmese Star!
RINGING
That weren't meant to happen, come on!
SNORING
Schnell, you incompetent fool! Quick!
RINGING CONTINUES
Don't hurt me!
Please, don't hurt me!
Oh, put the vase down! Never!
I came for the jewel and I'm leaving with it.
Aaaargh!
HE GROANS
Help me, help me.
There he is.
My trap, it worked!
HE LAUGHS
No, it didn't, look!
The Burmese Star is gone!
Right, get ready, girls.
Come on, Dodger.
I got it. I got it!
I'll look after that.
Well, what did he look like?
Tall man, six foot.
A giant!
Fat! I don't know how he got in.
All right, leave it with me. I'm in fact an officer of the law.
I'm undercover.
What way did he go? He went that way. That way?
DOOR SLAMS
COUGHING
I did it.
A six foot giant can't hide.
Because he's a giant. A giant.
Six foot high.
Oi!
Not so fast.
What's in your pockets?
I ain't got no pockets.
What's in your hat, then?
Nothing.
All right.
What's in your pockets?
I haven't got any.
What's this? Eh? It's a cheese sandwich.
I saved it for later.
No ham? No. Just cheese? Just cheese.
What's in your pocket?
I don't have any.
Just because you're little doesn't mean that you can't do crime.
I'm not that little.
What's in your 'at?
Nothing. Nothing.
All right.
Well, be on your way then.
Ah, cor, your chimneys are filthy.
Yeah.
Yeah, last lot that did them were terrible. Terrible, terrible.
Yeah, bad, really bad.
Ha, yeah, well, thank you for your service.
Yeah. Yeah. Best be off.
I'll show them out. All right.
Bye-bye.
COUGHING
Sorry.
Open the gates.
We seem to have a thief in the palace.
You can't trust anyone.
Where is Mr Cruttens? Holiday. Sick. Dead. Accident.
The chimney sweeps!
It's the chimney sweeps!
Close those gates!
Go, go, go!
Close the gates!
Watch out.
They're getting away!
Stop!
ALL TALK AT ONCE
Get out of the way!
Come on, come on, sir.
Read all about it, child criminal known as Dodger
steals jewel from Buckingham Palace,
and newspaper seller knocks off early.
We did it. What?
We DID IT!
You robbed the palace?
I knew you were well taught,
but that is the pinnacle of pinnacles.
This will go down in history books.
It's a shame you can't read them.
Oh, well, wasn't that hard.
Well, come on then.
Who's got the sparkler?
Nancy.
Nancy?
Look at that.
Let me feel the weight. Uh-uh.
I don't trust you.
Your pathetic little helpers nearly messed up the whole thing.
I've never seen such a scraggy bunch of pickpockets.
You said you was well-connected in the criminal world.
I am.
So you better watch it.
Always bragging about all these professionals you know.
I didn't think you was going to hook me up with that lot.
They looked like they'd blown in on a workhouse wind. We were lucky
we all got away with it.
Could train a sock to do a better job than them.
I'd love to see the face of this Fagin fella
you've been banging on about when he realises what you've done.
His kind deserve all they get.
Swindles.
What?
GRUNTS AND SHOUTS
Aaaaaaah!
DOOR SHUTS
Scraggy little pickpockets, eh?
I knew we shouldn't have trusted her!
Hello, Nancy. Sorry, I'm late.
Just a little bit of business to sort out. Oh!
Are you ready?
Wait for it.
Look at that.
EVERYONE GASPS
What do you think? Give it here.
Fagin.
What are you doing?
EVERYONE SCREAMS
What...? What have you done?
It's a fake!
It ain't worth a fart.
Waste of my time!
You mean I went up that
dirty chimney just to steal a bit of glass?
Well, at least for a few minutes, we knew what it felt like
to be rich, eh?
Oi, Charley, I got something for ya.
Something special.
Cheese sandwich, thanks.
Don't eat it!
Why not?
There's something inside.
Oh! I told you, have a look.
I saw it and I nicked it just for you. I thought it'd really suit ya,
instead of that necklace thing you got on.
Anyway, it looks lovely, doesn't it?
It's all buttery, but thanks.
Hang on a second, Jack.
It's probably fake, like everything else in that palace.
Oh, yeah!
Never mind.
Fat lot of good you did.
I don't know what to say, Your Majesty. I don't know
how this could have happened.
Out, out, get out.
I never want to see you again.
Oh.
Your jewel.
Fear not, Bertie.
I have a secret.
There are two Burmese Stars and it's the fake
that thief has stolen.
As if I would leave my shining star out
in the open like an ordinary star up in the sky
where everyone can see it.
Ha, ha!
No, I keep the real one right here.
Oh! It's gone.
Who on earth could have taken it?
FAGIN SIGHS
Suppose you're going to do your disappearing act again.
Might do. Might not.
Well, if you do, just let me know,
so I don't spend days dredging rivers for ya.
The thing is, Fagin,
now I've got nowhere else to go.
Oh, right.
You going to toe the line? Yeah.
Will ya sleep in the kennel?
Yeah.
It's nice to have you back.
Huh.
Duff!
Duff! Duff!
What have I missed?