1 00:00:25,944 --> 00:00:28,238 -Action. -Design. 2 00:01:08,069 --> 00:01:10,363 - Another one? 3 00:01:10,363 --> 00:01:14,367 Well, I'm still vertical, so I'd like to change that. 4 00:01:23,376 --> 00:01:25,628 Ho, ho. 5 00:01:27,130 --> 00:01:29,382 Bitter. Pint. 6 00:01:30,383 --> 00:01:32,177 You just get off? 7 00:01:37,265 --> 00:01:39,184 I'm taking a break. 8 00:01:39,184 --> 00:01:41,353 Between shifts, I guess you could say. 9 00:01:41,353 --> 00:01:42,937 - Hmm. - You ain't driving, are you? 10 00:01:42,937 --> 00:01:45,982 I steer a little, but the reindeer do most of the work. 11 00:01:48,902 --> 00:01:50,320 Mm-hmm. 12 00:01:50,320 --> 00:01:52,530 This is my, uh, fourth year as a Santa. 13 00:01:52,530 --> 00:01:53,823 Ah. 14 00:01:53,823 --> 00:01:55,075 How about you? 15 00:01:55,075 --> 00:01:57,160 Lost count. 16 00:01:57,160 --> 00:02:00,330 I forget why I started doing it in the first place. 17 00:02:00,330 --> 00:02:03,625 Same reason anybody does anything. 18 00:02:03,625 --> 00:02:05,418 The money. 19 00:02:05,418 --> 00:02:08,088 Money. Money. 20 00:02:08,088 --> 00:02:10,090 This whole planet runs on greed. 21 00:02:14,761 --> 00:02:17,222 It's the look on the kiddies' faces, innit? 22 00:02:17,222 --> 00:02:18,848 That's what does it for me. 23 00:02:18,848 --> 00:02:22,519 - Ah, the look. Yeah, that look. 24 00:02:22,519 --> 00:02:24,729 Lasts about two seconds. 25 00:02:24,729 --> 00:02:27,148 As soon as they're finished unwrapping, 26 00:02:27,148 --> 00:02:29,609 they want the next present, 27 00:02:29,609 --> 00:02:32,362 they want the next cool thing. 28 00:02:32,362 --> 00:02:34,364 That's how this world works. 29 00:02:34,364 --> 00:02:36,408 And kids-- what kids have become. 30 00:02:36,408 --> 00:02:40,578 They're just like little junkies. 31 00:02:40,578 --> 00:02:43,248 They're little shits. They just demand. 32 00:02:43,248 --> 00:02:44,791 They don't believe. 33 00:02:44,791 --> 00:02:48,503 They just want, crave, consume. 34 00:02:53,508 --> 00:02:56,010 Maybe this is my last year. 35 00:02:58,096 --> 00:03:00,265 The last Christmas. 36 00:03:03,726 --> 00:03:07,355 Well, I can't stand seeing another Santa in distress. 37 00:03:08,523 --> 00:03:10,150 Put his drinks on my tab. 38 00:03:10,150 --> 00:03:11,609 - Okay? - Yeah. 39 00:03:11,609 --> 00:03:14,237 Oh, very merry of you. Okay. 40 00:03:14,237 --> 00:03:16,656 I better get going. 41 00:03:16,656 --> 00:03:18,867 Presents aren't gonna deliver themselves. 42 00:03:20,034 --> 00:03:21,911 Oh, uh... 43 00:03:21,911 --> 00:03:23,788 For your grandson. Save me a trip. 44 00:03:23,788 --> 00:03:25,832 It's, uh, that new video game. 45 00:03:25,832 --> 00:03:28,543 It's Astro Blaster, Blaster Astro. 46 00:03:28,543 --> 00:03:30,545 I-I don't know. 47 00:03:30,545 --> 00:03:31,921 Merry Christmas. 48 00:03:31,921 --> 00:03:34,424 How'd he know my grandson's name? 49 00:03:34,424 --> 00:03:37,635 - How'd he know I have a grandson? - 50 00:03:37,635 --> 00:03:41,931 Oi! That door leads to the roof. 51 00:03:41,931 --> 00:03:43,266 Piss head. 52 00:03:43,266 --> 00:03:45,810 Go easy on him. It's Christmas. 53 00:03:47,979 --> 00:03:51,357 Hey! You can't be up here. 54 00:03:51,357 --> 00:03:55,028 If you break your neck, I'm the one... 55 00:04:14,881 --> 00:04:17,300 My God. 56 00:04:22,305 --> 00:04:24,140 It's... 57 00:04:26,184 --> 00:04:27,644 ...beauti... 58 00:05:14,482 --> 00:05:16,693 Hi. Hi, hi, hi. 59 00:05:16,693 --> 00:05:19,028 There she is. Hello, muffin. 60 00:05:20,071 --> 00:05:22,365 Let's go see Grandma. 61 00:05:24,117 --> 00:05:25,535 Ooh. 62 00:05:25,535 --> 00:05:27,787 Merry Christmas. 63 00:05:30,123 --> 00:05:31,708 Merry Christmas, Trudy. 64 00:05:31,708 --> 00:05:32,792 Merry... 65 00:05:32,792 --> 00:05:34,544 Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah! 66 00:05:34,544 --> 00:05:37,964 Merry Christmas, Daddy, ya filthy animal. 67 00:05:39,382 --> 00:05:41,551 She got to stay up late and watch Home Alone. 68 00:05:41,551 --> 00:05:42,635 Uh-huh. 69 00:05:42,635 --> 00:05:45,555 It was so funny. 70 00:05:45,555 --> 00:05:48,016 - Yep. - That... that hurts. 71 00:05:48,016 --> 00:05:49,559 - All morning. - Okay, um... 72 00:05:49,559 --> 00:05:51,603 Thank you. 73 00:05:52,520 --> 00:05:54,522 For doing this. 74 00:05:54,522 --> 00:05:56,733 I'm not doing it for you. 75 00:05:58,401 --> 00:06:00,528 - It's Christmas! - Yeah! 76 00:06:19,756 --> 00:06:21,424 Merry Christmas, Al. 77 00:06:21,424 --> 00:06:23,259 Hi, Linda. Merry Christmas. 78 00:06:23,259 --> 00:06:25,303 - Mr. Lightstone. - Hey, Al. 79 00:06:25,303 --> 00:06:26,679 Hey, you back there, Tru? 80 00:06:26,679 --> 00:06:28,431 Yeah, I bet you're excited for Christmas. 81 00:06:28,431 --> 00:06:30,141 What did you ask Santa for? 82 00:06:30,141 --> 00:06:31,893 - Not to work on Christmas Eve. 83 00:06:31,893 --> 00:06:33,478 Must've been naughty this year, 84 00:06:33,478 --> 00:06:35,104 -'cause here I am. - Mm-hmm. 85 00:06:35,104 --> 00:06:37,106 Just make sure you let Santa through the gates later, Al. 86 00:06:37,106 --> 00:06:38,650 - Yeah. - Have a merry one, now. 87 00:06:38,650 --> 00:06:40,652 - Merry Christmas. - Merry Christmas, Al. 88 00:06:40,652 --> 00:06:42,695 Merry Christmas, Tru. 89 00:06:42,695 --> 00:06:44,238 -Thank you, Al. - Yeah. 90 00:07:07,053 --> 00:07:09,806 I can't remember where the second one is. 91 00:07:12,850 --> 00:07:14,977 Ho, ho, ho, ho. 92 00:07:14,977 --> 00:07:16,729 Merry Christmas. 93 00:07:16,729 --> 00:07:18,815 Hope you're on the nice list. 94 00:07:18,815 --> 00:07:21,567 That doesn't go over there. 95 00:07:29,325 --> 00:07:30,952 Excuse me. 96 00:07:35,164 --> 00:07:36,999 What the hell is this? 97 00:07:36,999 --> 00:07:39,377 You are the worst catering company on the planet. 98 00:07:39,377 --> 00:07:41,379 It's lengthwise, not width. 99 00:07:41,379 --> 00:07:43,256 Unbelievable. 100 00:07:59,689 --> 00:08:00,857 Okay. 101 00:08:00,857 --> 00:08:03,067 Hi. Hi, guys. Merry Christmas. 102 00:08:03,067 --> 00:08:05,027 - Hi. - I'm fine. Thank you so much. 103 00:08:07,613 --> 00:08:11,617 I'll never get over the fact that you grew up like this. 104 00:08:12,744 --> 00:08:15,204 My therapist says I'll never get over it, either. 105 00:08:16,205 --> 00:08:17,415 I need a drink. 106 00:08:21,961 --> 00:08:25,214 - Hey, look at that. 107 00:08:34,182 --> 00:08:35,975 Hi, Linda. 108 00:08:35,975 --> 00:08:38,019 - Hey. - How's it going, Alva? 109 00:08:38,019 --> 00:08:39,937 Mm-hmm. You gained weight. 110 00:08:39,937 --> 00:08:42,815 - Looks good on you, though. 111 00:08:42,815 --> 00:08:44,734 - Thank you. - Mm-hmm. 112 00:08:44,734 --> 00:08:46,444 'Sup, limp dick? 113 00:08:47,904 --> 00:08:49,572 I got great feelings about this Christmas. 114 00:08:49,572 --> 00:08:51,741 - You want to know why? - Yeah. 115 00:08:51,741 --> 00:08:53,743 'Cause I think this is the year 116 00:08:53,743 --> 00:08:55,536 that Mom's gonna kick herself upstairs 117 00:08:55,536 --> 00:08:58,247 and choose one of us to start running the show. 118 00:08:58,247 --> 00:09:02,752 And I got to tell you, Jason, that I'm gunning for your ass. 119 00:09:04,170 --> 00:09:05,963 What would a Lightstone family Christmas be 120 00:09:05,963 --> 00:09:07,757 without groveling and infighting? 121 00:09:09,091 --> 00:09:10,802 Your rosé, ma'am. 122 00:09:10,802 --> 00:09:13,554 Honey, smile. It's Christmas. 123 00:09:13,554 --> 00:09:14,680 Mm. 124 00:09:14,680 --> 00:09:16,265 Good. Good girl. 125 00:09:18,643 --> 00:09:21,771 I am sorry about my sister. 126 00:09:27,151 --> 00:09:29,612 It is really nice to see you. 127 00:09:31,447 --> 00:09:33,741 To have you here. 128 00:09:36,994 --> 00:09:40,456 Okay, I'm behind. Catch me up on all the hot goss. 129 00:09:40,456 --> 00:09:42,291 Hot goss. Okay. 130 00:09:42,291 --> 00:09:46,087 Um, well, you remember Bert, my sister's pride and joy. 131 00:09:46,087 --> 00:09:49,924 Yo, yo, yo. This is the Bert Locker 132 00:09:49,924 --> 00:09:53,803 living that bling life on Christmas Eve. 133 00:09:55,388 --> 00:09:56,806 Hashtag "blessed." 134 00:09:56,806 --> 00:09:59,350 He just got what I can only assume 135 00:09:59,350 --> 00:10:02,645 will be his first of many sexual harassment accusations. 136 00:10:02,645 --> 00:10:04,313 Mom paid off the school, 137 00:10:04,313 --> 00:10:06,482 and now the gymnasium is named after us. 138 00:10:06,482 --> 00:10:08,484 Of course she did. 139 00:10:08,484 --> 00:10:09,610 What about Tragic Mike? 140 00:10:09,610 --> 00:10:11,404 All I'm saying is, 141 00:10:11,404 --> 00:10:13,072 if I was on one of those planes, 142 00:10:13,072 --> 00:10:15,074 9/11 would've ended with a bunch of terrorists 143 00:10:15,074 --> 00:10:18,828 skydiving over Connecticut without their parachutes. 144 00:10:18,828 --> 00:10:20,872 -Yeah. You like that? - Yes. Yes. 145 00:10:20,872 --> 00:10:23,082 - Yeah, I do like it. - Ooh. 146 00:10:23,082 --> 00:10:25,501 - Kiss me in front of my son. - Now, huh? 147 00:10:25,501 --> 00:10:28,045 - Mm... 148 00:10:28,045 --> 00:10:30,089 He might actually be a decent actor. 149 00:10:30,089 --> 00:10:32,174 - Hmm. -He's been doing an Oscar-worthy job 150 00:10:32,174 --> 00:10:34,760 - of pretending to find my sister appealing. - 151 00:10:34,760 --> 00:10:37,263 Now he wants Mom to fund a film for him. 152 00:10:40,182 --> 00:10:42,184 - It's Gertrude! - It's Mom. 153 00:10:42,184 --> 00:10:44,228 - Okay, let's do this. - Okay, okay. Come on. 154 00:10:44,228 --> 00:10:45,938 - Come on. Bert, get over here. - No. Mom. Mom! 155 00:10:45,938 --> 00:10:47,189 - Positions. - Game time, buddy. 156 00:10:47,189 --> 00:10:49,025 - Okay. Okay. - This is my good side. 157 00:10:49,025 --> 00:10:50,818 We've gone over this! Come on! 158 00:10:50,818 --> 00:10:51,944 Gosh. Okay. 159 00:10:51,944 --> 00:10:53,112 Bert, get in the middle. 160 00:10:53,112 --> 00:10:54,363 So it begins. 161 00:10:54,363 --> 00:10:56,490 Seriously, come. You know what that means. 162 00:10:56,490 --> 00:10:58,576 Shall we jockey forward? 163 00:10:58,576 --> 00:11:00,328 No. 164 00:11:01,495 --> 00:11:04,081 No, we can hang back. 165 00:11:04,081 --> 00:11:05,541 Yeah. 166 00:11:05,541 --> 00:11:07,168 Trudy, honey? 167 00:11:08,878 --> 00:11:10,129 Come on over here. 168 00:11:11,589 --> 00:11:13,758 Just, like... 169 00:11:13,758 --> 00:11:15,551 Threaten 'em or bribe 'em. 170 00:11:15,551 --> 00:11:16,844 This isn't rocket science. 171 00:11:16,844 --> 00:11:18,387 Same shit we always do. 172 00:11:19,889 --> 00:11:21,223 That's what? 173 00:11:21,223 --> 00:11:23,684 That's the best you can do? 174 00:11:23,684 --> 00:11:25,561 Excited to see your grandma? 175 00:11:25,561 --> 00:11:26,896 Listen, you cocksucker. 176 00:11:26,896 --> 00:11:28,856 It's Christmas, so why don't you take 177 00:11:28,856 --> 00:11:30,775 your best offer, gift wrap it, 178 00:11:30,775 --> 00:11:33,736 and ram it up your fucking box. 179 00:11:35,071 --> 00:11:37,406 Maybe you don't realize who I am. 180 00:11:37,406 --> 00:11:38,991 Those were Grandma words. You know, forget them. 181 00:11:38,991 --> 00:11:40,826 Oh, boy. Look at Mr. Cool back here. 182 00:11:40,826 --> 00:11:43,079 Yeah, what's your angle, man? Hmm? 183 00:11:43,079 --> 00:11:45,706 No angle. I'm not doing anything. 184 00:11:45,706 --> 00:11:47,166 Oh, yeah. 185 00:11:47,166 --> 00:11:48,751 No, no, no. No, no, no, no, no. No! 186 00:11:48,751 --> 00:11:51,796 Don't shit in my mouth and tell me it's chocolate cake. 187 00:11:51,796 --> 00:11:53,089 Grandma's cool. 188 00:11:53,089 --> 00:11:55,383 I can make that story go away... 189 00:11:55,383 --> 00:11:57,093 I think your brother's up to something. 190 00:11:57,093 --> 00:11:58,886 No, I just decided to let you guys 191 00:11:58,886 --> 00:12:00,763 have all the fun sucking up to Mom today. 192 00:12:00,763 --> 00:12:03,557 Please. You are King Suck-up. 193 00:12:03,557 --> 00:12:05,601 You named your kid Gertrude. 194 00:12:06,978 --> 00:12:09,271 Alva, you named your son Bertrude. 195 00:12:09,271 --> 00:12:11,273 Okay. 196 00:12:11,273 --> 00:12:12,984 Sorry, Bert, but that's not a real name. 197 00:12:12,984 --> 00:12:15,820 Sorry, Linda. We can't all be lucky enough to have daughters. 198 00:12:15,820 --> 00:12:17,822 Mom, I can hear you. 199 00:12:18,948 --> 00:12:21,534 You know something we don't. What is it? 200 00:12:21,534 --> 00:12:22,994 No, I don't. I don't. 201 00:12:22,994 --> 00:12:24,245 I got it. Bingo. 202 00:12:24,245 --> 00:12:25,663 I'm onto you, man. Come on! 203 00:12:25,663 --> 00:12:27,289 - We were just... - Come on, 204 00:12:27,289 --> 00:12:28,541 come on, come on, come on. 205 00:12:28,541 --> 00:12:30,835 - You big sack of shit. - Ooh. 206 00:12:30,835 --> 00:12:32,670 No wonder your husband left you. 207 00:12:32,670 --> 00:12:34,922 Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. 208 00:12:35,965 --> 00:12:38,300 Merry Christmas to you, too, Senator. 209 00:12:39,135 --> 00:12:40,928 - Merry Christmas, Mommy. - Merry Christmas. 210 00:12:42,263 --> 00:12:43,806 Merry Christmas. 211 00:12:43,806 --> 00:12:46,559 Why in the hell are you standing all the way back there? 212 00:12:47,643 --> 00:12:49,395 Merry Christmas, Grandma! 213 00:12:49,395 --> 00:12:51,480 - Aw. - Little bitch. 214 00:12:51,480 --> 00:12:54,025 Little Gertrude. And how is my favorite granddaughter? 215 00:12:54,025 --> 00:12:56,569 Everybody calls me Trudy now. 216 00:12:56,569 --> 00:12:58,237 Trudy? 217 00:12:59,572 --> 00:13:01,699 - Well, that makes her sound like a whore. -Okay. 218 00:13:01,699 --> 00:13:04,452 Oh, she doesn't even know the meaning of the word. 219 00:13:04,452 --> 00:13:06,787 I'm starving. Let's eat. 220 00:13:06,787 --> 00:13:08,247 Great. 221 00:13:08,247 --> 00:13:10,750 And, Mom, I think Gertrude is a beautiful name. 222 00:13:10,750 --> 00:13:13,044 Mm-hmm. I only call her Gertrude. 223 00:13:13,044 --> 00:13:14,336 - Merry Christmas, Gertrude. - Come on, Bertrude. 224 00:14:19,235 --> 00:14:22,071 Another fucking Christmas. 225 00:14:25,407 --> 00:14:27,159 I made these all by myself. 226 00:14:27,159 --> 00:14:28,744 - No way. - Mm-hmm. 227 00:14:28,744 --> 00:14:30,913 I even made one that looks exactly like Santa. 228 00:14:30,913 --> 00:14:33,415 - Exactly. - Yeah. 229 00:14:34,250 --> 00:14:35,793 Santa gets a candy cane, too? 230 00:14:35,793 --> 00:14:37,044 Yeah. 231 00:14:37,044 --> 00:14:38,546 Mm, okay. 232 00:14:39,922 --> 00:14:41,590 It's perfect. 233 00:14:41,590 --> 00:14:43,259 No peeking. 234 00:14:43,259 --> 00:14:45,719 This house has so many chimneys. 235 00:14:47,221 --> 00:14:49,265 How will Santa know which one to come down? 236 00:14:49,265 --> 00:14:51,142 Oh, Santa just knows. 237 00:14:51,142 --> 00:14:52,935 Christmas magic. 238 00:14:55,896 --> 00:14:57,606 Honey, what's wrong? 239 00:14:57,606 --> 00:15:01,110 Daddy never took me to see Santa at the mall this year. 240 00:15:01,902 --> 00:15:04,113 He didn't. 241 00:15:06,490 --> 00:15:08,492 I am so sorry. 242 00:15:10,286 --> 00:15:12,246 This year has been weird. 243 00:15:12,246 --> 00:15:15,958 I never got to tell Santa what I wanted for Christmas. 244 00:15:15,958 --> 00:15:18,460 Oh, honey. Come here. 245 00:15:22,131 --> 00:15:24,758 You know what? 246 00:15:24,758 --> 00:15:28,971 You go put your pj's on, 247 00:15:28,971 --> 00:15:32,057 and I will be two minutes. 248 00:15:37,855 --> 00:15:40,149 Yes! 249 00:15:41,609 --> 00:15:44,028 Okay... 250 00:15:51,952 --> 00:15:53,662 Yes. 251 00:15:57,499 --> 00:15:59,335 Yes! 252 00:16:00,794 --> 00:16:05,216 Because you have been so good to me and Mommy this year, 253 00:16:05,216 --> 00:16:09,178 we decided that you could have one gift... 254 00:16:09,178 --> 00:16:11,055 early! 255 00:16:11,055 --> 00:16:13,515 - Really? 256 00:16:17,561 --> 00:16:19,647 What is it? 257 00:16:21,565 --> 00:16:25,152 That is a very special walkie-talkie. 258 00:16:25,152 --> 00:16:26,695 It's magic. 259 00:16:26,695 --> 00:16:27,988 - Magic? - Mm-hmm. 260 00:16:27,988 --> 00:16:30,199 What you got right there 261 00:16:30,199 --> 00:16:32,576 is a direct hotline to Santa Claus himself. 262 00:16:32,576 --> 00:16:35,329 - I can talk to Santa? - Oh, yeah. 263 00:16:35,329 --> 00:16:39,166 It's just like writing him a letter... but better. 264 00:16:39,166 --> 00:16:40,292 Mm-hmm. 265 00:16:40,292 --> 00:16:43,087 Now, the only thing is, 266 00:16:43,087 --> 00:16:45,464 he might not have time to answer you. 267 00:16:45,464 --> 00:16:47,508 He's delivering a lot of presents tonight. 268 00:16:47,508 --> 00:16:48,842 Mm-hmm. 269 00:16:48,842 --> 00:16:51,428 But he'll hear everything you want to say to him. 270 00:16:57,893 --> 00:16:59,728 Hello, Santa? 271 00:16:59,728 --> 00:17:03,190 This is Trudy Lightstone. 272 00:17:03,190 --> 00:17:05,234 I hope you're having a nice night. 273 00:17:05,234 --> 00:17:07,403 Mm. 274 00:17:07,403 --> 00:17:12,157 It's really cold tonight, so don't forget your mittens. 275 00:17:12,992 --> 00:17:16,287 So, I wanted to tell you, Santa, 276 00:17:16,287 --> 00:17:18,080 I was extra good this year, 277 00:17:18,080 --> 00:17:22,251 so I wrote a big list for you with all the stuff I wanted. 278 00:17:23,585 --> 00:17:25,462 But then... 279 00:17:25,462 --> 00:17:28,882 then I realized I don't need any of that. 280 00:17:29,800 --> 00:17:33,512 I really only want one present for Christmas. 281 00:17:35,180 --> 00:17:38,851 I want Mommy and Daddy to make up 282 00:17:38,851 --> 00:17:41,270 so we can be a family again. 283 00:17:42,479 --> 00:17:44,148 Okay. 284 00:17:44,148 --> 00:17:46,317 Good night, Santa. 285 00:17:47,484 --> 00:17:49,611 Good night, Mr. Bunny. 286 00:18:02,041 --> 00:18:03,792 Which one of you did that? 287 00:18:05,127 --> 00:18:06,462 You can't go two seconds without 288 00:18:06,462 --> 00:18:08,297 crapping on the roof like a bunch of pigeons? 289 00:18:10,007 --> 00:18:13,135 So unprofessional. 290 00:18:15,721 --> 00:18:18,432 You know, Rudolph will never do this crap. 291 00:18:31,653 --> 00:18:33,322 Hmm. 292 00:18:37,618 --> 00:18:39,411 Mmm. 293 00:18:46,085 --> 00:18:48,337 Mmm, mmm. 294 00:18:49,338 --> 00:18:51,673 Homemade. 295 00:18:51,673 --> 00:18:53,050 Mmm. 296 00:18:56,887 --> 00:18:58,889 Ugh. 297 00:18:58,889 --> 00:19:00,474 Skim. 298 00:19:10,734 --> 00:19:12,319 Oh, yeah. 299 00:19:12,319 --> 00:19:14,446 That's the stuff. 300 00:19:18,867 --> 00:19:20,786 Mmm. 301 00:19:21,787 --> 00:19:23,539 DuBoi... 302 00:19:23,539 --> 00:19:26,542 - On some prewar shit right there. - 303 00:19:26,542 --> 00:19:28,961 - Good shit. 304 00:19:40,556 --> 00:19:42,224 Mmm. 305 00:19:42,224 --> 00:19:43,892 That pairs well. 306 00:19:43,892 --> 00:19:46,562 What do we have here? 307 00:20:02,786 --> 00:20:04,496 Oh, yeah. 308 00:20:04,496 --> 00:20:06,582 That's the stuff. 309 00:20:15,507 --> 00:20:18,594 - You know, uh... 310 00:20:18,594 --> 00:20:21,597 Christmas is all right, 311 00:20:21,597 --> 00:20:25,267 but you Americans don't celebrate my favorite holiday. 312 00:20:26,101 --> 00:20:27,936 Oh, yeah? What? 313 00:20:27,936 --> 00:20:29,563 Boxing Day. 314 00:21:02,804 --> 00:21:04,473 Yo, yo. B. Lightstone here, 315 00:21:04,473 --> 00:21:06,266 live streaming the dream, you know. 316 00:21:06,266 --> 00:21:08,810 They say the richest man... 317 00:21:09,978 --> 00:21:11,605 Say goodbye. 318 00:21:11,605 --> 00:21:13,565 And if you... 319 00:21:14,733 --> 00:21:17,736 Grandma! Your Wi-Fi sucks dick. 320 00:21:17,736 --> 00:21:19,404 Damn it! 321 00:21:19,404 --> 00:21:21,990 When he was small, I begged you to beat him. 322 00:21:39,466 --> 00:21:41,468 Hey. Merry Christmas. 323 00:21:41,468 --> 00:21:43,136 Or should I say "happy holidays" now? 324 00:21:43,136 --> 00:21:45,180 Right? I mean, it's like, people, make up your minds. 325 00:21:45,180 --> 00:21:47,432 - You know what I'm saying? - Can I help you? 326 00:21:47,432 --> 00:21:49,393 Oh, yeah. I sure hope so. See, uh, 327 00:21:49,393 --> 00:21:51,019 my car broke down a little ways... 328 00:21:51,019 --> 00:21:52,854 Out here? This is a private road. 329 00:21:52,854 --> 00:21:54,856 You're telling me. 330 00:21:54,856 --> 00:21:57,150 It's the first place I've seen for miles. 331 00:21:57,150 --> 00:21:58,443 I think I got frostbite. 332 00:21:58,443 --> 00:21:59,778 Where the hell am I, anyway? 333 00:21:59,778 --> 00:22:01,530 G.T. Lightstone family compound. 334 00:22:01,530 --> 00:22:03,365 I'll call you a tow. 335 00:22:12,416 --> 00:22:14,418 All right, revelers. 336 00:22:14,418 --> 00:22:16,211 Time to steal Christmas. 337 00:22:16,211 --> 00:22:17,462 Sound off. 338 00:22:17,462 --> 00:22:19,047 Jingle. Check. 339 00:22:19,047 --> 00:22:20,632 Peppermint. Check. 340 00:22:20,632 --> 00:22:22,217 Sugarplum. Check. 341 00:22:22,217 --> 00:22:25,178 Krampus. Ready to fuck shit up. 342 00:22:25,178 --> 00:22:26,972 Candy Cane. Check. 343 00:22:26,972 --> 00:22:29,600 - Go for Frosty. - Go for Tinsel. 344 00:22:29,600 --> 00:22:31,310 Go for Gingerbread. 345 00:22:31,310 --> 00:22:34,271 Are we gonna use these stupid code names all night? 346 00:22:34,271 --> 00:22:35,772 'Tis the season. 347 00:22:35,772 --> 00:22:39,568 Welcome to your worst Christmas ever. 348 00:22:39,568 --> 00:22:42,946 Trudy loves seeing Santa at the mall. 349 00:22:43,780 --> 00:22:45,574 She loves going with her father. 350 00:22:45,574 --> 00:22:47,242 And you should've taken her yesterday, 351 00:22:47,242 --> 00:22:48,619 like you do every Christmas, 352 00:22:48,619 --> 00:22:50,329 but we didn't even hear from you. 353 00:22:50,329 --> 00:22:51,663 Mom put me on a special project. 354 00:22:51,663 --> 00:22:53,081 - It's complicated. - But it's not, 355 00:22:53,081 --> 00:22:55,167 because it keeps happening over and over. 356 00:22:55,167 --> 00:22:57,753 - Your mother forcing herself between us. -You're right. 357 00:23:02,341 --> 00:23:04,718 What if we could give Trudy her Christmas wish? 358 00:23:04,718 --> 00:23:06,803 You're trying to win me back 359 00:23:06,803 --> 00:23:09,473 with a romantic weekend at your mother's? 360 00:23:09,473 --> 00:23:12,809 What if things really changed this time? 361 00:23:14,561 --> 00:23:17,022 We got out from under my mother's thumb. 362 00:23:17,022 --> 00:23:18,815 We'll walk away. 363 00:23:18,815 --> 00:23:21,526 From the company, the family. 364 00:23:24,237 --> 00:23:25,864 Tonight. 365 00:23:26,657 --> 00:23:28,200 What are you up to? 366 00:24:13,495 --> 00:24:14,788 Let's go. 367 00:24:14,788 --> 00:24:17,290 We need to get you out of here. 368 00:24:17,290 --> 00:24:19,042 Mommy, where are you going? 369 00:24:19,042 --> 00:24:20,836 - She's going for the panic room! - What? 370 00:24:20,836 --> 00:24:22,170 - Yes. Go, Bertrude. - Without us? 371 00:24:28,135 --> 00:24:30,178 Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. 372 00:24:51,867 --> 00:24:53,827 There isn't room for all of us. 373 00:24:53,827 --> 00:24:55,579 She can fit at least two of us. Mom, take me. 374 00:24:55,579 --> 00:24:57,539 - Mom! - Oh. Yeah. 375 00:24:57,539 --> 00:24:59,166 M-Mom, can Bert come, too? 376 00:25:01,835 --> 00:25:03,086 Okay. Move it or lose it, son. 377 00:25:03,086 --> 00:25:04,796 - Move it! - Whoa, whoa, whoa. 378 00:25:04,796 --> 00:25:06,923 You're supposed to protect us. 379 00:25:06,923 --> 00:25:08,592 We protect the primary asset. 380 00:25:12,554 --> 00:25:13,764 Who the hell are you? 381 00:25:13,764 --> 00:25:16,725 You can call me Mr. Scrooge. 382 00:25:17,476 --> 00:25:18,894 Hilarious. 383 00:25:18,894 --> 00:25:20,228 Get him. 384 00:25:28,779 --> 00:25:31,198 Bah humbug, motherfucker. 385 00:25:40,582 --> 00:25:42,834 Hey. Step aside. 386 00:25:44,085 --> 00:25:46,588 Tinsel, Peppermint, sweep upstairs. 387 00:25:46,588 --> 00:25:48,799 I want all the Lightstones together. 388 00:25:49,591 --> 00:25:51,301 Kill anybody else you find. 389 00:26:01,478 --> 00:26:04,272 Fuck. Fuck, fuck. 390 00:26:05,106 --> 00:26:07,651 Trudy, honey, we got to go. 391 00:26:08,610 --> 00:26:10,153 Wake up, honey. Wake up. 392 00:26:10,153 --> 00:26:12,948 Maybe we can get out the back by the servants' stairs. 393 00:26:19,788 --> 00:26:22,290 Oh, come on. Not now. Not now. 394 00:26:23,416 --> 00:26:25,418 Fuck! Fuck! 395 00:26:25,418 --> 00:26:26,962 Mistletoe, gingerbread. 396 00:26:51,152 --> 00:26:52,237 Hey! 397 00:26:55,073 --> 00:26:56,324 Oh. Oh. 398 00:26:56,324 --> 00:26:57,784 Hi. 399 00:26:57,784 --> 00:27:00,245 You got me. 400 00:27:00,245 --> 00:27:02,831 I don't want any trouble, okay? 401 00:27:02,831 --> 00:27:04,541 Downstairs. Now. 402 00:27:04,541 --> 00:27:08,211 Look, mister, I don't want to get involved. 403 00:27:08,211 --> 00:27:10,630 I just... I just have a job to do. 404 00:27:10,630 --> 00:27:12,007 Okay? That's it. 405 00:27:12,007 --> 00:27:14,509 I'm just gonna take my bag, 406 00:27:14,509 --> 00:27:17,345 and I'm just gonna scooch up that chimney. 407 00:27:18,847 --> 00:27:20,724 Enough talk. Let's go. 408 00:27:21,516 --> 00:27:23,268 You don't want to do this. 409 00:27:23,268 --> 00:27:24,477 What? This? 410 00:27:26,187 --> 00:27:27,522 Now, move! 411 00:27:27,522 --> 00:27:29,524 - Are you deaf? 412 00:27:29,524 --> 00:27:31,526 Fucking move! 413 00:27:42,329 --> 00:27:44,205 No, no, no. 414 00:27:44,205 --> 00:27:47,375 No! Wait! 415 00:27:47,375 --> 00:27:48,710 Wait. 416 00:27:48,710 --> 00:27:50,378 Wait! Don't go! 417 00:27:50,378 --> 00:27:52,255 Come back! 418 00:29:07,330 --> 00:29:09,082 Oh, fuck! 419 00:29:33,189 --> 00:29:34,691 Oh, shit. 420 00:29:56,004 --> 00:29:59,841 Damn chickenshit reindeer leave me here to die. 421 00:30:21,821 --> 00:30:23,198 Cute. 422 00:30:23,198 --> 00:30:26,326 Do you have any idea who you're fucking with? 423 00:30:29,662 --> 00:30:32,540 I know exactly who I'm fucking with. 424 00:30:32,540 --> 00:30:34,667 Oh, wait, wait. Did you actually think 425 00:30:34,667 --> 00:30:36,211 that I spent months 426 00:30:36,211 --> 00:30:38,880 planning a complex break-in to the most secure 427 00:30:38,880 --> 00:30:40,507 private residence in the country 428 00:30:40,507 --> 00:30:42,258 and I didn't know who lived here? 429 00:30:42,258 --> 00:30:43,843 Well, you're wrong. 430 00:30:43,843 --> 00:30:46,805 'Cause your staff are dead. 431 00:30:46,805 --> 00:30:48,932 - Your security are dead. 432 00:30:48,932 --> 00:30:52,227 Now, sit down and shut the fuck up! 433 00:31:20,338 --> 00:31:22,382 Oh, fuck. 434 00:31:25,260 --> 00:31:26,594 We planned it. It's all right. 435 00:31:26,594 --> 00:31:28,221 It'll be solved in a couple minutes. 436 00:31:28,221 --> 00:31:29,764 Better be solved. 437 00:31:29,764 --> 00:31:32,142 So much like a scene from my movie Dark Ransom. 438 00:31:32,142 --> 00:31:33,601 Oh, my God. 439 00:31:34,769 --> 00:31:36,271 If they didn't have guns, 440 00:31:36,271 --> 00:31:38,314 I could take out three, maybe four of them. 441 00:31:38,314 --> 00:31:40,441 Try all of them. 442 00:31:40,441 --> 00:31:43,069 Ew, Mom. Yuck. 443 00:31:43,069 --> 00:31:44,863 If you'd really done your research, you'd know 444 00:31:44,863 --> 00:31:47,657 that my brother Rory was kidnapped in the '70s. 445 00:31:48,533 --> 00:31:51,161 But my father never called the police. 446 00:31:51,161 --> 00:31:53,663 Dad sent in our own private extraction team, 447 00:31:53,663 --> 00:31:57,250 and Rory was home safe and sound a week later. 448 00:31:57,250 --> 00:32:00,920 And the kidnappers were never found. 449 00:32:00,920 --> 00:32:03,006 If you get me. 450 00:32:04,549 --> 00:32:06,050 I know. 451 00:32:06,050 --> 00:32:08,761 I know all about your extraction team 452 00:32:08,761 --> 00:32:10,847 that you affectionately call "the Kill Squad" 453 00:32:10,847 --> 00:32:12,640 behind closed doors. 454 00:32:12,640 --> 00:32:14,559 I also know that they're on their way 455 00:32:14,559 --> 00:32:16,561 and how long it's gonna take 'em to get here. 456 00:32:16,561 --> 00:32:19,480 I even know their credit ratings and their dick sizes. 457 00:32:19,480 --> 00:32:21,149 If you get me. 458 00:32:21,149 --> 00:32:23,318 Then you should also know you're already dead. 459 00:32:23,318 --> 00:32:25,153 We don't do ransoms. 460 00:32:25,153 --> 00:32:27,780 Again, I know. I know. 461 00:32:27,780 --> 00:32:29,782 See, I know a lot, Gertrude. 462 00:32:29,782 --> 00:32:31,534 I really do. 463 00:32:31,534 --> 00:32:34,621 Like the fact that you have 300 million in U.S. dollars 464 00:32:34,621 --> 00:32:36,748 sitting in your personal vault downstairs. 465 00:32:36,748 --> 00:32:39,000 - The fuck? - That's right. 466 00:32:39,000 --> 00:32:41,753 300 million that the U.S. government 467 00:32:41,753 --> 00:32:45,215 gave Lightstone to quietly distribute in the Middle East 468 00:32:45,215 --> 00:32:46,883 to all the worst people, 469 00:32:46,883 --> 00:32:51,054 to grease the wheels and keep that sweet oil flowing. 470 00:32:51,054 --> 00:32:55,642 300 million that-- oops-- disappeared in the fog of war. 471 00:32:55,642 --> 00:32:58,853 Except it didn't really disappear, did it, Gerty? 472 00:32:58,853 --> 00:33:00,188 'Cause you stole it. 473 00:33:00,188 --> 00:33:01,773 Did you know about this? 474 00:33:01,773 --> 00:33:03,233 Man, this family. 475 00:33:03,233 --> 00:33:06,402 This moneygrubbing family. 476 00:33:06,402 --> 00:33:08,279 Clinging desperately to your wealth, 477 00:33:08,279 --> 00:33:10,698 when your poor employees don't even have enough coal 478 00:33:10,698 --> 00:33:12,575 to keep Tiny Tim warm. 479 00:33:12,575 --> 00:33:15,745 What is it with you and all this Christmas shit? 480 00:33:15,745 --> 00:33:17,538 Talk all you want. 481 00:33:17,538 --> 00:33:19,374 You'll never get in the vault. 482 00:33:19,374 --> 00:33:22,877 Oh, oh, oh, because when you-you hit the panic button, 483 00:33:22,877 --> 00:33:24,545 it reset the combination? 484 00:33:24,545 --> 00:33:28,216 I keep telling you, I know. 485 00:33:33,012 --> 00:33:35,890 This is what breaking into a vault has turned into? 486 00:33:35,890 --> 00:33:40,561 Remember when you just had to drill holes and blow shit up? 487 00:33:40,561 --> 00:33:42,230 I don't know, maybe I'm getting old, 488 00:33:42,230 --> 00:33:43,731 but there was something romantic about that. 489 00:33:43,731 --> 00:33:45,984 Boss, you copy? 490 00:33:45,984 --> 00:33:47,944 I'm kind of busy here. 491 00:33:47,944 --> 00:33:50,405 You're gonna want to see this. 492 00:33:59,747 --> 00:34:01,416 Maybe he fell. 493 00:34:01,416 --> 00:34:02,834 You rappel down buildings with him. 494 00:34:02,834 --> 00:34:05,253 You gonna tell me he just fell out a window? 495 00:34:06,087 --> 00:34:08,089 All right, look lively, gang. 496 00:34:08,089 --> 00:34:09,841 We got a gopher. 497 00:34:25,273 --> 00:34:26,774 You know what? 498 00:34:26,774 --> 00:34:30,945 Um, I think Mr. Bunny wants to go to sleep. 499 00:34:30,945 --> 00:34:32,947 So, let's tuck him in. 500 00:34:32,947 --> 00:34:34,574 Okay? 501 00:34:35,742 --> 00:34:37,452 It's gonna be okay. 502 00:34:51,341 --> 00:34:53,885 Hello? Santa? 503 00:34:53,885 --> 00:34:55,845 Are you there? 504 00:35:01,684 --> 00:35:03,436 Shit. 505 00:35:07,565 --> 00:35:10,193 This is Candy Cane at checkpoint three. 506 00:35:10,193 --> 00:35:11,903 Oh, shit. 507 00:35:11,903 --> 00:35:13,696 Shit. Shit. Shit. 508 00:35:16,866 --> 00:35:18,785 Video game. 509 00:35:19,952 --> 00:35:21,287 Video game. 510 00:35:21,287 --> 00:35:23,498 Didn't anybody ask for a bat or a sword 511 00:35:23,498 --> 00:35:26,626 - or Molotov cocktails? 512 00:35:35,134 --> 00:35:36,844 Wait. 513 00:35:51,609 --> 00:35:53,277 Mommy, I love you. 514 00:35:54,821 --> 00:35:56,697 Poetry book. 515 00:35:56,697 --> 00:35:59,158 Die Hard on Blu-ray. Fuck! 516 00:36:13,297 --> 00:36:15,258 Safety's on, dipshit. 517 00:36:26,060 --> 00:36:28,020 Wait. Hang on. Hang on. 518 00:36:29,397 --> 00:36:31,983 Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Look. 519 00:36:31,983 --> 00:36:33,401 I don't want to kill you. 520 00:36:37,363 --> 00:36:41,159 Wow, a big fat guy, gray beard. 521 00:36:41,159 --> 00:36:43,244 Eh? 522 00:36:43,786 --> 00:36:45,830 Santa... 523 00:36:45,830 --> 00:36:47,874 I'm gonna rip your fucking balls off. 524 00:37:01,345 --> 00:37:03,264 Oh, shit. 525 00:38:48,077 --> 00:38:50,413 Ah, God. 526 00:38:50,413 --> 00:38:52,123 Whew. 527 00:38:53,165 --> 00:38:56,127 Whew. Whew. 528 00:38:56,127 --> 00:38:58,212 This is Candy Cane checking in. 529 00:38:58,212 --> 00:38:59,922 Compound is clear and secured. 530 00:39:02,049 --> 00:39:04,135 Copy. What's the status on the Kill Squad? 531 00:39:05,803 --> 00:39:07,555 Kill Squad won't be here for two hours. 532 00:39:07,555 --> 00:39:10,433 So we're doing good. The outer seal's already been breached. 533 00:39:10,433 --> 00:39:13,060 Is there a 911 thing on here? 534 00:39:13,060 --> 00:39:15,563 My... 535 00:39:15,563 --> 00:39:17,523 Am I doing that correct? 536 00:39:17,523 --> 00:39:18,858 Hello? 537 00:39:18,858 --> 00:39:20,818 Hello, can anybody hear me? 538 00:39:20,818 --> 00:39:23,404 Can you hear me, Santa? 539 00:39:25,239 --> 00:39:26,490 Hello? 540 00:39:26,490 --> 00:39:28,075 Santa? 541 00:39:31,245 --> 00:39:32,997 Yeah, this is Santa. 542 00:39:35,750 --> 00:39:38,419 I hope I'm not bothering you. 543 00:39:39,795 --> 00:39:42,673 Daddy said you were very busy tonight. 544 00:39:44,425 --> 00:39:46,344 I'm... 545 00:39:46,344 --> 00:39:48,554 I'm on a break. 546 00:39:48,554 --> 00:39:50,765 Who-who am I speaking to? 547 00:39:53,184 --> 00:39:55,061 My name is Trudy Lightstone, 548 00:39:55,061 --> 00:39:58,522 and I've been very good this year. 549 00:39:58,522 --> 00:40:00,441 Trudy... 550 00:40:02,652 --> 00:40:04,779 Trudy Lightstone. 551 00:40:13,621 --> 00:40:15,831 Yeah, Trudy. 552 00:40:15,831 --> 00:40:18,209 You're on my nice list. 553 00:40:18,209 --> 00:40:20,753 You've been a very good girl this year. 554 00:40:22,296 --> 00:40:24,507 Where are you now, Trudy? 555 00:40:25,758 --> 00:40:28,594 I'm in a big room with all my relatives. 556 00:40:28,594 --> 00:40:31,972 There's two bad men with guns watching us. 557 00:40:34,558 --> 00:40:36,268 Oh, no. Six left. 558 00:40:36,268 --> 00:40:38,604 Are you gonna help us, Santa? 559 00:40:39,730 --> 00:40:41,732 Yeah. Of course I'm gonna help you. 560 00:40:41,732 --> 00:40:44,443 I'm gonna... I'm gonna get you out of there. 561 00:40:44,443 --> 00:40:48,030 Take all these bad guys on my naughty list... 562 00:40:48,906 --> 00:40:51,409 I'm gonna take a lump of coal, 563 00:40:51,409 --> 00:40:55,371 each and every one of them, and shove it straight up... 564 00:40:55,371 --> 00:40:56,664 The ass. 565 00:40:59,500 --> 00:41:01,043 Well, I mean, come on, sweetie. 566 00:41:01,043 --> 00:41:04,004 We want to keep you on the nice list, you know. 567 00:41:05,339 --> 00:41:07,925 Sorry. Can I say "butthole," then? 568 00:41:08,718 --> 00:41:10,219 I mean, it's borderline. 569 00:41:10,219 --> 00:41:11,846 How about "anus"? 570 00:41:11,846 --> 00:41:16,183 Technically, yes, uh, "anus" is the tech... 571 00:41:16,183 --> 00:41:18,018 Okay, look, uh, Tru... uh, Trudy. 572 00:41:18,018 --> 00:41:20,771 I got to call for help, and the phone lines are down. 573 00:41:20,771 --> 00:41:23,441 You probably know this house better than anybody. 574 00:41:23,441 --> 00:41:25,359 You got any suggestions? 575 00:41:25,359 --> 00:41:26,986 I have an idea. 576 00:41:29,238 --> 00:41:31,824 All right, you're telling me there's a goddamn Santa Claus 577 00:41:31,824 --> 00:41:33,743 running around here? 578 00:41:36,912 --> 00:41:38,956 Okay, well, he looks jolly as fuck, 579 00:41:38,956 --> 00:41:40,499 but who the hell is he? 580 00:41:40,499 --> 00:41:42,710 There's no Santa listed on the employee manifest. 581 00:41:42,710 --> 00:41:44,044 Yeah, there's more. 582 00:41:44,044 --> 00:41:45,755 Frosty hasn't checked in. I can't reach him. 583 00:41:45,755 --> 00:41:47,715 All right, keep trying. 584 00:41:50,384 --> 00:41:51,927 All right, it's official. 585 00:41:51,927 --> 00:41:53,846 We got a gopher on the loose, and he's dangerous. 586 00:41:53,846 --> 00:41:55,264 Watch your backs. 587 00:42:00,227 --> 00:42:02,980 Al? Al? 588 00:42:09,195 --> 00:42:11,071 Oh, shit. 589 00:42:18,746 --> 00:42:20,414 Oh, shit! 590 00:42:20,414 --> 00:42:23,751 Frosty, what's your status? 591 00:42:27,213 --> 00:42:29,256 Frosty, sound off. 592 00:42:30,257 --> 00:42:33,135 Uh, Frosty? 593 00:42:34,428 --> 00:42:35,888 Is-is that, uh... 594 00:42:35,888 --> 00:42:37,807 is that the naughty guy I met in the basement? 595 00:42:37,807 --> 00:42:39,517 Your-your friend is dead. 596 00:42:39,517 --> 00:42:42,770 Uh, he got a star in his face, then his head caught on fire. 597 00:42:42,770 --> 00:42:44,688 It's a long story. 598 00:42:44,688 --> 00:42:47,525 Oh. 599 00:42:47,525 --> 00:42:49,693 Is this... is this our Santy? 600 00:42:49,693 --> 00:42:52,613 Is this our... our Santy Claus? 601 00:42:52,613 --> 00:42:54,198 Yeah, it is. 602 00:42:54,990 --> 00:42:56,909 To whom am I speaking? 603 00:42:56,909 --> 00:42:58,911 Well, for tonight, I'm Mr. Scrooge. 604 00:42:58,911 --> 00:43:02,832 Now, what is it that you want exactly, Santa? 605 00:43:02,832 --> 00:43:05,376 I want you to put down your weapons, 606 00:43:05,376 --> 00:43:08,295 I want you to let this family go, 607 00:43:08,295 --> 00:43:10,172 and then I want to find my reindeer, 608 00:43:10,172 --> 00:43:12,675 and I want to continue delivering my presents. 609 00:43:15,427 --> 00:43:16,971 Are you fucking with me? 610 00:43:16,971 --> 00:43:19,265 All right, who the hell are you really, huh? 611 00:43:19,265 --> 00:43:21,892 Some security guard who's watched too many action flicks? 612 00:43:21,892 --> 00:43:24,353 Some loser ex-cop stuck in a mall 613 00:43:24,353 --> 00:43:26,605 playing dress-up with fat kids pissing on your lap? 614 00:43:26,605 --> 00:43:28,023 Stop me when I get it right. 615 00:43:28,023 --> 00:43:30,317 It's a little more complicated than that. 616 00:43:30,317 --> 00:43:31,944 Not to me, it's not. 617 00:43:31,944 --> 00:43:33,946 'Cause I want to make it my personal mission, 618 00:43:33,946 --> 00:43:38,284 my holiday to-do list, to find you and to end you 619 00:43:38,284 --> 00:43:41,954 and to wipe my ass with you and this whole fucking holiday. 620 00:43:41,954 --> 00:43:44,498 That's what I want for Christmas, Santa. 621 00:43:44,498 --> 00:43:48,627 That is a terrible thing to want for Christmas. 622 00:43:48,627 --> 00:43:52,381 But maybe you and I should discuss that in person. 623 00:43:53,674 --> 00:43:56,343 Santa Claus is coming to town. 624 00:44:07,730 --> 00:44:09,189 Shit. 625 00:44:19,033 --> 00:44:20,367 All right, who did you hire 626 00:44:20,367 --> 00:44:23,037 to play Santa at your Christmas party, huh? 627 00:44:23,037 --> 00:44:25,080 - I said, who's playing Santa 628 00:44:25,080 --> 00:44:26,540 at your fucked-up Christmas party? 629 00:44:26,540 --> 00:44:29,460 I didn't hire a Santa. 630 00:44:29,460 --> 00:44:32,421 I never have a Santa. It's tacky. 631 00:44:32,421 --> 00:44:33,797 So, who is he? 632 00:44:36,634 --> 00:44:39,511 Huh? Who is he? 633 00:44:39,511 --> 00:44:41,055 Somebody better start talking, 634 00:44:41,055 --> 00:44:44,141 or I'm gonna bash her brains in with this... 635 00:44:44,141 --> 00:44:48,729 Damn, Gertrude. You really got a thing for nutcrackers, huh? 636 00:44:49,897 --> 00:44:53,776 So, I'm gonna torture everyone in your family 637 00:44:53,776 --> 00:44:56,862 until you tell me who's running around your mansion 638 00:44:56,862 --> 00:44:59,615 playing Santa and fucking with my shit. 639 00:44:59,615 --> 00:45:01,617 And who should I pick first? 640 00:45:01,617 --> 00:45:03,035 Should I go by age? 641 00:45:03,035 --> 00:45:04,703 - Shh. 642 00:45:04,703 --> 00:45:06,372 Or should I go by IQ? 643 00:45:06,372 --> 00:45:09,833 Pick Jason. He's my mom's favorite. 644 00:45:09,833 --> 00:45:11,877 - Yep. Him. - The one in the sweater. 645 00:45:11,877 --> 00:45:14,254 All right. Jason Lightstone it is. 646 00:45:14,254 --> 00:45:15,506 - The number one son. - No. 647 00:45:15,506 --> 00:45:17,007 Wait, wait, wait. No, we don't need... 648 00:45:17,007 --> 00:45:18,425 We don't need to do that. No, it's okay. 649 00:45:18,425 --> 00:45:20,594 No. No, no, no. We don't need to do this. 650 00:45:20,594 --> 00:45:21,804 No. No, no, no, no. 651 00:45:21,804 --> 00:45:23,305 Don't, don't, don't. 652 00:45:23,305 --> 00:45:25,599 - No, don't... Put it... Don't... No. - 653 00:45:25,599 --> 00:45:27,810 - No, no, no, no. No, no. - Give me this fucking... 654 00:45:36,819 --> 00:45:39,530 I'm telling you, no one hired a Santa. 655 00:45:39,530 --> 00:45:41,156 All right, all right, all right. You're right. 656 00:45:41,156 --> 00:45:42,199 You're right. Let's stop it. Let's stop it. 657 00:45:42,199 --> 00:45:44,326 What are we doing here? Come on. 658 00:45:44,326 --> 00:45:47,413 What are we, amateurs? We're half-assing this. 659 00:45:47,413 --> 00:45:50,541 Come on. It's not called a finger cracker. 660 00:45:51,750 --> 00:45:53,711 Okay, Candy Cane. 661 00:45:53,711 --> 00:45:55,087 Stick one of his bozaks in there. 662 00:45:55,087 --> 00:45:56,296 I'm not touching his balls. 663 00:45:56,296 --> 00:45:58,007 What, are you a princess all of a sudden? 664 00:45:58,007 --> 00:45:59,633 I've seen you scoop out brains before. 665 00:45:59,633 --> 00:46:01,093 You want me to scoop his brains out, 666 00:46:01,093 --> 00:46:02,636 I'll scoop his brains out right now, 667 00:46:02,636 --> 00:46:03,804 but I'm not touching his junk. 668 00:46:03,804 --> 00:46:05,222 I don't care who does it. 669 00:46:05,222 --> 00:46:06,807 I better be looking at flat balls, 670 00:46:06,807 --> 00:46:08,058 like, in three seconds. 671 00:46:08,058 --> 00:46:10,644 I'll do it. 672 00:46:10,644 --> 00:46:11,937 Krampus. Perfect. 673 00:46:11,937 --> 00:46:13,313 Oh, not that guy. Not that guy. 674 00:46:13,313 --> 00:46:14,815 That's what I love about sociopaths. 675 00:46:14,815 --> 00:46:16,108 Always up for trying new things. 676 00:46:16,108 --> 00:46:17,443 You don't need to do this, okay? 677 00:46:17,443 --> 00:46:19,361 No, it's all right. Um... Oh, no. 678 00:46:19,361 --> 00:46:21,905 No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. 679 00:46:21,905 --> 00:46:24,450 Oh, God. Oh, my God. 680 00:46:25,993 --> 00:46:27,619 Put your nuts in. 681 00:46:27,619 --> 00:46:28,996 Yummy, yummy. 682 00:46:28,996 --> 00:46:31,749 Stop hurting my daddy... 683 00:46:31,749 --> 00:46:34,168 or Santa will get mad. 684 00:46:35,002 --> 00:46:37,212 Ah, what a cutie. 685 00:46:37,212 --> 00:46:39,298 So, what do we know about Santa, little one? 686 00:46:39,298 --> 00:46:41,216 She doesn't know anything about Santa. 687 00:46:42,092 --> 00:46:43,844 He wasn't asking you. 688 00:46:43,844 --> 00:46:46,263 She's playing make-believe. 689 00:46:46,263 --> 00:46:48,515 She's pretending to talk to Santa. 690 00:46:48,515 --> 00:46:50,517 It's not pretend. Santa's my friend, 691 00:46:50,517 --> 00:46:52,436 and he said he's going to save us. 692 00:46:52,436 --> 00:46:53,520 No. 693 00:46:53,520 --> 00:46:55,773 - And beat you up. - Oh, is he? 694 00:46:55,773 --> 00:46:58,317 I bet he'd come out of hiding if you asked him to, huh? 695 00:46:58,317 --> 00:46:59,902 What do you say you come with me 696 00:46:59,902 --> 00:47:02,154 - and we play a little game with him, huh? -No, no, no. 697 00:47:02,154 --> 00:47:03,530 Trudy, come on. Tell him the truth now. 698 00:47:03,530 --> 00:47:05,365 - You aren't talking to Santa. - Yes, I am. 699 00:47:05,365 --> 00:47:06,700 No, you're not. Come on, now. 700 00:47:06,700 --> 00:47:09,536 - Yes, I am. -Damn it, Trudy, Santa isn't real! 701 00:47:17,753 --> 00:47:19,546 I'm sorry, honey. 702 00:47:20,506 --> 00:47:22,716 Santa's just a thing adults tell kids 703 00:47:22,716 --> 00:47:24,927 to make them feel better, okay? 704 00:47:26,929 --> 00:47:29,056 Your mommy and I give you the presents, 705 00:47:29,056 --> 00:47:31,058 and we say they're from Santa. 706 00:47:32,226 --> 00:47:33,811 He's not coming to save us. 707 00:47:33,811 --> 00:47:36,021 He doesn't exist. 708 00:47:36,021 --> 00:47:38,440 It's all made-up. 709 00:47:39,983 --> 00:47:41,777 - Really? - Aw. 710 00:47:41,777 --> 00:47:44,613 What a way to find out that there's no Santa. 711 00:47:44,613 --> 00:47:46,657 Hey, let's come back Easter and ruin the Easter Bunny 712 00:47:46,657 --> 00:47:48,826 - for her, too, huh? 713 00:47:48,826 --> 00:47:50,244 - Trudy! - Come back here! 714 00:47:50,244 --> 00:47:51,703 - Stop her! - Trudy! -Hey! 715 00:47:51,703 --> 00:47:53,205 You idiots, stay at your posts. 716 00:47:53,205 --> 00:47:54,665 Trudy! 717 00:47:54,665 --> 00:47:57,000 I'll find this little brat. 718 00:49:03,108 --> 00:49:04,526 Okay. 719 00:49:33,138 --> 00:49:36,141 Santa. Santa. 720 00:49:36,141 --> 00:49:38,018 - Santa! 721 00:49:39,686 --> 00:49:41,521 This is Trudy. 722 00:49:42,356 --> 00:49:45,525 - Are you okay, Santa? 723 00:49:47,611 --> 00:49:49,029 Hi. Hey. 724 00:49:49,029 --> 00:49:50,864 Are you okay? 725 00:49:50,864 --> 00:49:52,699 I'm good. Uh... 726 00:49:52,699 --> 00:49:55,077 I was just wrapping something up. 727 00:49:55,077 --> 00:49:57,287 I ran away and hid in the attic. 728 00:49:57,287 --> 00:50:00,540 Okay. If you're safe... 729 00:50:00,540 --> 00:50:03,543 uh, just stay there and, uh, stay quiet, all right? 730 00:50:03,543 --> 00:50:08,382 Okay. I can set up booby traps, like in Home Alone. 731 00:50:08,382 --> 00:50:10,050 Okay, I don't know what that means, 732 00:50:10,050 --> 00:50:11,760 but, uh, yeah, do that. 733 00:50:11,760 --> 00:50:13,679 Just do it quietly. 734 00:50:15,055 --> 00:50:17,057 Are you really Santa? 735 00:50:20,894 --> 00:50:22,896 Of course I am, sweetheart. 736 00:50:23,772 --> 00:50:26,650 My daddy says there isn't any Santa. 737 00:50:28,068 --> 00:50:31,280 He says parents just tell their kids that Santa's real 738 00:50:31,280 --> 00:50:32,990 to make them feel better. 739 00:50:32,990 --> 00:50:35,867 He said they give us presents 740 00:50:35,867 --> 00:50:38,161 and say they're from Santa. 741 00:50:38,161 --> 00:50:40,289 Yeah. 742 00:50:40,289 --> 00:50:42,541 Yeah, a lot of parents say that. 743 00:50:42,541 --> 00:50:46,586 But I still bring presents to kids that need me. 744 00:50:47,879 --> 00:50:50,173 Kids who really believe. 745 00:50:51,425 --> 00:50:54,344 How do you know who really needs you? 746 00:50:54,344 --> 00:50:56,555 Christmas magic. 747 00:50:56,555 --> 00:50:58,849 I'm not really sure how it works. 748 00:51:06,648 --> 00:51:08,942 But, uh... 749 00:51:11,111 --> 00:51:14,239 I remember, um... 750 00:51:14,239 --> 00:51:16,158 when Trudy Lightstone wrote to me. 751 00:51:16,158 --> 00:51:18,577 She must have been about six years old, 752 00:51:18,577 --> 00:51:22,414 and she said that she felt lonely sometimes. 753 00:51:22,414 --> 00:51:24,833 She missed having a best friend. 754 00:51:24,833 --> 00:51:26,168 And so I brought her 755 00:51:26,168 --> 00:51:28,045 a beautiful little stuffed rabbit. 756 00:51:28,045 --> 00:51:29,421 Mr. Bunny. 757 00:51:29,421 --> 00:51:31,381 And then I remember the next year, 758 00:51:31,381 --> 00:51:33,508 and you said you had this amazing dream 759 00:51:33,508 --> 00:51:37,554 and that, afterwards, all you wanted to do was... 760 00:51:37,554 --> 00:51:38,805 To fly! 761 00:51:38,805 --> 00:51:41,224 To fly. To fly. 762 00:51:42,476 --> 00:51:46,938 I mean, Santa might have some magic, but... 763 00:51:46,938 --> 00:51:50,650 making a little girl fly? 764 00:51:52,819 --> 00:51:56,907 But giving you a kite, 765 00:51:56,907 --> 00:52:00,369 floating just beneath the clouds, 766 00:52:00,369 --> 00:52:03,205 well, it's about as good as it gets. 767 00:52:03,205 --> 00:52:05,082 I knew it. 768 00:52:05,082 --> 00:52:07,459 I knew you were real, Santa. 769 00:52:10,003 --> 00:52:13,173 Don't be too hard on your parents, all right? 770 00:52:14,925 --> 00:52:17,761 Grown-ups have a hard time believing things. 771 00:52:18,595 --> 00:52:20,889 Can you use your Christmas magic 772 00:52:20,889 --> 00:52:23,225 to make them love each other again? 773 00:52:23,225 --> 00:52:25,769 I wish I had that kind of power. 774 00:52:26,561 --> 00:52:30,315 Mrs. Claus and I have been going on year, uh, 775 00:52:30,315 --> 00:52:32,609 1,100, and... 776 00:52:33,485 --> 00:52:36,321 Grown-up relationships are complicated. 777 00:52:37,155 --> 00:52:39,366 It takes work. 778 00:52:39,366 --> 00:52:41,493 A lot of work. 779 00:52:43,620 --> 00:52:46,039 Do you still love her? 780 00:52:46,039 --> 00:52:47,874 Yeah, I do. 781 00:52:48,834 --> 00:52:52,379 And sometimes, even if you want to make somebody happy... 782 00:52:53,588 --> 00:52:55,882 ...the magic just goes away. 783 00:52:57,926 --> 00:53:00,262 Hey. 784 00:53:00,262 --> 00:53:02,055 I've got an idea. 785 00:53:02,055 --> 00:53:03,682 This will be fun. 786 00:53:04,724 --> 00:53:07,978 Why don't you guys open your presents? 787 00:53:07,978 --> 00:53:12,274 I want to see what you rich assholes get each other. 788 00:53:12,274 --> 00:53:18,238 And some of you might not make it till tomorrow morning, 789 00:53:18,238 --> 00:53:21,241 so this could be your only chance. 790 00:53:22,075 --> 00:53:23,535 Come on. 791 00:53:23,535 --> 00:53:26,288 Where's the Christmas spirit? 792 00:53:27,831 --> 00:53:29,916 Uh... 793 00:53:30,792 --> 00:53:35,213 Gertrude, uh, I got you something pretty special. 794 00:53:35,213 --> 00:53:36,548 Did you hear that, Gertrude? 795 00:53:36,548 --> 00:53:38,508 He got you something amazing. 796 00:53:38,508 --> 00:53:41,428 Oh, what could it be? 797 00:53:41,428 --> 00:53:43,847 Oh, my God, this is exciting. 798 00:53:43,847 --> 00:53:46,057 Mom. 799 00:53:46,057 --> 00:53:47,767 Can I call you Mom? 800 00:53:48,977 --> 00:53:50,604 Mrs. Lightstone. 801 00:53:52,439 --> 00:53:55,817 Okay, so in the business, they call this... 802 00:53:56,818 --> 00:53:58,278 ...a pitch deck. 803 00:53:59,196 --> 00:54:00,280 - Pitch deck. - Yeah. 804 00:54:00,280 --> 00:54:02,073 It's called Explosive Force. 805 00:54:02,073 --> 00:54:03,617 Starring me. 806 00:54:03,617 --> 00:54:05,368 And if you look in the back, 807 00:54:05,368 --> 00:54:08,830 there are the financial numbers. 808 00:54:08,830 --> 00:54:12,375 I'm kind of a big deal in Asia. 809 00:54:13,627 --> 00:54:15,795 Parts of Asia, at least. 810 00:54:15,795 --> 00:54:17,881 We were in parts of Asia once, and, like, 811 00:54:17,881 --> 00:54:19,633 we couldn't even go to a restaurant. 812 00:54:19,633 --> 00:54:23,136 Ah, what is there a better gift than... 813 00:54:23,136 --> 00:54:26,473 gift of a golden opportunity? 814 00:54:27,807 --> 00:54:30,060 Oh, no. 815 00:54:31,311 --> 00:54:33,772 Granny doesn't like it. 816 00:54:33,772 --> 00:54:36,399 Mother, I got you something really special. 817 00:54:42,656 --> 00:54:45,325 It's a sentimental photo of the day I was born. 818 00:54:45,325 --> 00:54:47,369 I remember. 819 00:54:47,369 --> 00:54:48,745 I was there. 820 00:54:48,745 --> 00:54:50,997 She doesn't give a shit. 821 00:54:53,458 --> 00:54:55,168 - Swing and miss again! 822 00:54:55,168 --> 00:54:56,461 This is so fun. 823 00:54:56,461 --> 00:54:57,671 Mommy, how about another one? 824 00:54:57,671 --> 00:54:59,381 I got you a lot of good things. 825 00:54:59,381 --> 00:55:01,424 - I'll grab one. - Alva, Alva, sit down. 826 00:55:01,424 --> 00:55:03,176 You've already given me one. It's... 827 00:55:03,176 --> 00:55:04,427 It's Jason's turn. 828 00:55:04,427 --> 00:55:05,845 Uh... 829 00:55:05,845 --> 00:55:09,307 I th... I-I think I left it in the car. 830 00:55:09,307 --> 00:55:11,560 No, I-I saw you put one under the tree earlier. 831 00:55:11,560 --> 00:55:13,937 - No. It's in the... - Yeah, I did. 832 00:55:13,937 --> 00:55:17,023 I could've sworn. You know what, it's, uh... 833 00:55:17,023 --> 00:55:19,109 Y-You don't... you don't... you don't... you... 834 00:55:19,109 --> 00:55:21,736 It's this one, right? Yeah, I got you, bro. 835 00:55:21,736 --> 00:55:23,196 Come on. 836 00:55:24,948 --> 00:55:26,992 Thank you. 837 00:55:28,034 --> 00:55:30,245 It's my favorite whiskey. 838 00:55:30,245 --> 00:55:32,914 You can skip the note. 839 00:55:56,271 --> 00:55:58,023 Thank you, Jason. 840 00:56:03,403 --> 00:56:05,739 What's the card say? 841 00:56:05,739 --> 00:56:08,658 I think I'll just keep that between Jason and I. 842 00:56:08,658 --> 00:56:12,787 No one really needs to know. Right, Jason? 843 00:56:15,248 --> 00:56:16,958 Right. 844 00:56:17,917 --> 00:56:20,295 Did you ever have a mommy and daddy? 845 00:56:22,088 --> 00:56:24,132 Yeah, of course I had a mommy and daddy. 846 00:56:24,132 --> 00:56:27,802 I wasn't... I wasn't always Santa Claus. 847 00:56:28,637 --> 00:56:30,930 I had a life before this. 848 00:56:31,848 --> 00:56:34,601 A long, long, long time ago. 849 00:56:38,772 --> 00:56:41,900 They used to call me, uh... 850 00:56:41,900 --> 00:56:43,818 Nicomund. 851 00:56:47,572 --> 00:56:49,199 Nicomund the Red. 852 00:56:50,784 --> 00:56:53,536 You had a different job then? 853 00:56:53,536 --> 00:56:56,289 Yeah, you could say that. 854 00:56:56,289 --> 00:56:58,166 I was a warrior. 855 00:56:58,166 --> 00:57:00,251 A raider. A thief. 856 00:57:00,251 --> 00:57:04,047 - And if somebody got in my way, 857 00:57:04,047 --> 00:57:05,799 me and Skullcrusher would... 858 00:57:05,799 --> 00:57:07,467 Who's Skullcrusher? 859 00:57:08,301 --> 00:57:11,429 Skullcrusher's my, uh... 860 00:57:11,429 --> 00:57:14,140 my hammer. 861 00:57:14,140 --> 00:57:16,393 My favorite hammer. 862 00:57:16,393 --> 00:57:18,770 I was a surgeon with that thing. 863 00:57:18,770 --> 00:57:21,231 Used to be able to take three heads, line 'em up... 864 00:57:22,816 --> 00:57:25,402 But why? 865 00:57:25,402 --> 00:57:26,861 What? 866 00:57:26,861 --> 00:57:29,489 Why'd you do those things? 867 00:57:31,449 --> 00:57:33,535 Because I was mean. 868 00:57:34,703 --> 00:57:36,830 And I was greedy. 869 00:57:38,665 --> 00:57:41,459 And I wanted gold, jewels. 870 00:57:41,459 --> 00:57:44,170 Yeah, I mean, if there was a naughty list back then, 871 00:57:44,170 --> 00:57:46,172 I'd be top dog. 872 00:57:47,757 --> 00:57:49,884 Well, maybe... 873 00:57:50,885 --> 00:57:52,095 What? 874 00:57:52,095 --> 00:57:54,222 Maybe all those bad things you used to do... 875 00:57:55,306 --> 00:57:58,601 ...maybe you can use them to do good things instead. 876 00:57:59,394 --> 00:58:01,688 To help. 877 00:58:01,688 --> 00:58:03,606 What do you mean? 878 00:58:03,606 --> 00:58:07,986 Mr. Bunny, he wasn't just a toy. 879 00:58:07,986 --> 00:58:11,406 That night, you gave me what I wished for. 880 00:58:11,406 --> 00:58:13,283 A best friend. 881 00:58:14,325 --> 00:58:16,953 'Cause you're good and kind. 882 00:58:16,953 --> 00:58:20,540 And you mean more than just the presents you bring. 883 00:58:20,540 --> 00:58:23,209 That's why I believe in you, Santa. 884 00:58:23,209 --> 00:58:25,628 That's why I believe. 885 00:58:31,217 --> 00:58:32,886 Thank you. 886 00:58:34,721 --> 00:58:38,683 You stay hidden, Trudy, till I come get you. 887 00:58:38,683 --> 00:58:40,602 Stay safe. 888 00:58:41,561 --> 00:58:44,481 All right, we got satellite confirmation. 889 00:58:44,481 --> 00:58:46,608 Extraction team's on the go. 890 00:58:46,608 --> 00:58:48,902 30 minutes. 891 00:58:48,902 --> 00:58:50,570 We're on schedule. 892 00:58:50,570 --> 00:58:51,988 Everything's good. 893 00:58:51,988 --> 00:58:53,573 - All right, fellas. 894 00:58:53,573 --> 00:58:54,991 Look alive, look alive. 895 00:58:54,991 --> 00:58:56,910 You all know the plan, 896 00:58:56,910 --> 00:59:00,288 and I like my operations 897 00:59:00,288 --> 00:59:03,082 hard and fast with minimal cleanup. 898 00:59:03,082 --> 00:59:07,629 Now, some idiot gets in your way, what do you do? 899 00:59:07,629 --> 00:59:09,714 Fuck their shit up right! 900 00:59:09,714 --> 00:59:11,382 Damn right. 901 00:59:12,175 --> 00:59:14,886 - Time to lube up. 902 00:59:16,012 --> 00:59:18,723 Let's go, motherfuckers! Let's go! 903 00:59:24,646 --> 00:59:26,898 This fucking family. 904 00:59:46,167 --> 00:59:48,419 Ho, ho, ho, ho. 905 00:59:48,419 --> 00:59:50,213 - Merry Christmas. 906 00:59:50,213 --> 00:59:51,464 Happy holidays. 907 00:59:51,464 --> 00:59:52,590 Traitor. 908 00:59:54,050 --> 00:59:56,052 I got him in the east wing. 909 00:59:56,052 --> 00:59:58,513 All right, we're on our way. Hold him. 910 01:00:11,818 --> 01:00:13,820 Step aside. 911 01:00:27,333 --> 01:00:30,128 Now, how did this tired, old, 912 01:00:30,128 --> 01:00:32,797 fat piece of shit get the drop on us? 913 01:00:32,797 --> 01:00:34,257 I don't know. 914 01:00:34,257 --> 01:00:36,259 He's not even armed. 915 01:00:36,259 --> 01:00:38,678 This bag is the only thing he had on him. 916 01:00:38,678 --> 01:00:40,096 What's in there? 917 01:00:40,847 --> 01:00:42,891 Can't see anything. 918 01:00:46,978 --> 01:00:48,438 Here, give it to me. 919 01:00:59,532 --> 01:01:02,035 What kind of moron... 920 01:01:02,035 --> 01:01:04,287 carries a chess set with him? 921 01:01:07,916 --> 01:01:09,459 What the fuck? 922 01:01:09,459 --> 01:01:12,003 Doesn't make any sense. Look at all this shit. 923 01:01:19,218 --> 01:01:22,221 So, you're gonna tell us what's the gimmick with the bag? 924 01:01:22,221 --> 01:01:23,890 It's magic. 925 01:01:23,890 --> 01:01:26,809 You put your hand in, out comes a present. 926 01:01:28,394 --> 01:01:31,147 I don't really understand how it works, either. 927 01:01:32,523 --> 01:01:35,568 So, you're Mr. Scrooge. 928 01:01:35,568 --> 01:01:37,570 That's right. 929 01:01:37,570 --> 01:01:39,364 But who are you? 930 01:01:39,364 --> 01:01:41,407 Weihnachtsmann. 931 01:01:42,784 --> 01:01:44,744 Julenissen. 932 01:01:45,620 --> 01:01:47,538 Shèngdàn Laorén. 933 01:01:48,373 --> 01:01:51,584 Babbo Natale, Père Noel, Kris Kringle. 934 01:01:51,584 --> 01:01:54,087 Jolly old Saint Nick. 935 01:01:54,087 --> 01:01:57,131 People call me a lot of things. 936 01:01:57,966 --> 01:02:00,593 Ha, ha, ha. Very funny. 937 01:02:00,593 --> 01:02:02,971 Or should I say, "Ho, ho, ho"? 938 01:02:02,971 --> 01:02:06,557 If you're Santa, where's your reindeer? 939 01:02:06,557 --> 01:02:08,393 They were on the roof 940 01:02:08,393 --> 01:02:11,020 until that guy I turned into an ice kebab just... 941 01:02:13,648 --> 01:02:15,274 You don't believe me? 942 01:02:15,274 --> 01:02:16,401 Go check. 943 01:02:16,401 --> 01:02:19,153 Prancer left a tasty log up there. 944 01:02:19,153 --> 01:02:20,989 This fucking guy. 945 01:02:20,989 --> 01:02:22,699 You don't think... 946 01:02:22,699 --> 01:02:25,868 Now, I know you're an idiot, but don't be an idiot out loud. 947 01:02:25,868 --> 01:02:27,954 Come on, he's just in Santy Claus 948 01:02:27,954 --> 01:02:29,956 with a fucking trick bag. 949 01:02:29,956 --> 01:02:31,958 Oh, no! 950 01:02:31,958 --> 01:02:33,793 That bag was full of kids' dreams! 951 01:02:33,793 --> 01:02:35,586 Oh, come on. 952 01:02:35,586 --> 01:02:37,880 Everybody knows that Christmas dreams are bullshit. 953 01:02:38,673 --> 01:02:41,300 My father used to make a big deal out of it 954 01:02:41,300 --> 01:02:43,094 every Christmas. 955 01:02:43,094 --> 01:02:45,263 Every freaking Christmas with the presents 956 01:02:45,263 --> 01:02:47,473 and the candy and the decorations 957 01:02:47,473 --> 01:02:51,269 and the Christmas caroling and all that bullshit. 958 01:02:52,645 --> 01:02:54,939 And then when I was... 959 01:02:54,939 --> 01:02:58,359 I don't know, ten, 11, 960 01:02:58,359 --> 01:03:00,319 he got laid off, and that Christmas, 961 01:03:00,319 --> 01:03:01,821 couldn't even afford a tree. 962 01:03:01,821 --> 01:03:03,364 No Christmas dinner, no gifts. 963 01:03:03,364 --> 01:03:05,992 Nothing, nada, culo, dick. 964 01:03:06,784 --> 01:03:08,161 But our neighbors... 965 01:03:08,161 --> 01:03:10,038 our neighbors, oh, they had it all. 966 01:03:10,038 --> 01:03:11,831 I could see all that yuletide cheer 967 01:03:11,831 --> 01:03:14,375 through their window mocking me. 968 01:03:14,375 --> 01:03:18,296 So Christmas Eve rolls around, and... 969 01:03:18,296 --> 01:03:21,340 I waited for everybody to go to bed. 970 01:03:21,340 --> 01:03:24,677 And then I snuck in there to take it all. 971 01:03:25,678 --> 01:03:28,222 Only problem was that the gramps got up to take a piss 972 01:03:28,222 --> 01:03:30,641 and the two of us scared the shit out of each other. 973 01:03:30,641 --> 01:03:33,686 And, um, he fell down the stairs 974 01:03:33,686 --> 01:03:38,232 and-and broke his neck, and he died in the hospital. 975 01:03:38,232 --> 01:03:39,859 Everybody thought that I did it, 976 01:03:39,859 --> 01:03:41,360 and every time I tried to tell them, 977 01:03:41,360 --> 01:03:43,863 I tried to tell them that... 978 01:03:45,323 --> 01:03:47,700 Anyway, maybe I did do it. 979 01:03:47,700 --> 01:03:49,744 Maybe I did push him. 980 01:03:49,744 --> 01:03:51,537 Poor old fucker. 981 01:03:51,537 --> 01:03:55,041 So, you see, Christmas ruined my life. 982 01:03:55,041 --> 01:03:56,709 Okay? But you know what? 983 01:03:56,709 --> 01:03:58,044 It set me on the path 984 01:03:58,044 --> 01:04:00,088 and made me the great man that I am today. 985 01:04:00,088 --> 01:04:02,131 I'm sorry, Jimmy. 986 01:04:02,924 --> 01:04:04,467 I really am. 987 01:04:05,301 --> 01:04:07,345 But I do gifts. I do Christmas cheer. 988 01:04:07,345 --> 01:04:09,555 I don't get involved in people's lives. 989 01:04:09,555 --> 01:04:13,434 Oh, yeah? Yeah, well, maybe you fucking should! 990 01:04:17,939 --> 01:04:21,109 Um, how did he know your name? 991 01:04:21,109 --> 01:04:22,819 Oh, Bjorn. 992 01:04:22,819 --> 01:04:24,946 What's your excuse? 993 01:04:24,946 --> 01:04:26,531 Huh? 994 01:04:26,531 --> 01:04:29,867 Didn't I get you that Huffy bike you wanted back in '82? 995 01:04:29,867 --> 01:04:33,079 One you wrote me 50 times about! 996 01:04:33,079 --> 01:04:34,580 What about you, Kira? 997 01:04:34,580 --> 01:04:37,750 Well, you made your brother eat worms. 998 01:04:37,750 --> 01:04:39,252 That's naughty! 999 01:04:39,252 --> 01:04:41,170 Okay, how does he know about my bike? 1000 01:04:41,170 --> 01:04:44,590 "Hey, do you like big tits?" 1001 01:04:44,590 --> 01:04:46,801 Come on, every kid wants a fucking bike. 1002 01:04:46,801 --> 01:04:49,929 - You're gonna tell me who you work for... -Oh, Christ. No. 1003 01:04:49,929 --> 01:04:53,224 ...then you've got five seconds to tell me who you really are. 1004 01:04:53,224 --> 01:04:56,060 Five, four, three, two... 1005 01:04:56,060 --> 01:04:57,770 I'm Santa Claus! 1006 01:04:57,770 --> 01:05:00,064 Well, not anymore. 1007 01:05:24,964 --> 01:05:26,799 Is it snowing? 1008 01:05:26,799 --> 01:05:30,219 Is he doing this with Santa magic? 1009 01:05:36,726 --> 01:05:39,103 Let it snow! 1010 01:05:50,823 --> 01:05:52,825 It's not snow. 1011 01:05:52,825 --> 01:05:54,160 It's Styrofoam. 1012 01:05:54,160 --> 01:05:56,412 I told you this guy's a big phony. 1013 01:06:10,843 --> 01:06:12,720 Where'd he go? 1014 01:06:12,720 --> 01:06:14,347 He went up the chimney. 1015 01:06:14,347 --> 01:06:16,015 - I saw it. - I don't know, 1016 01:06:16,015 --> 01:06:17,850 he had a rig or some pulley system 1017 01:06:17,850 --> 01:06:19,852 - that just yanked him up. - You can't fit up there. 1018 01:06:19,852 --> 01:06:21,562 - It's impossible. - Oh, you see one weird thing, 1019 01:06:21,562 --> 01:06:23,898 and then you think you're in a fairy tale? 1020 01:06:23,898 --> 01:06:25,191 Incoming. 1021 01:06:25,191 --> 01:06:26,067 We've got sleigh bells approaching. 1022 01:06:26,067 --> 01:06:27,860 Oh, my God. 1023 01:06:27,860 --> 01:06:29,737 It's his reindeer. 1024 01:06:31,364 --> 01:06:33,366 - It's the extraction team. 1025 01:06:33,366 --> 01:06:35,576 Pull yourselves together! 1026 01:06:50,508 --> 01:06:54,804 And that is the sound of my Kill Squad. 1027 01:06:56,264 --> 01:06:58,349 Oh, you're fizzity-fucked now. 1028 01:06:58,349 --> 01:07:00,559 Huh? What are you gonna do? You little elf bitch. 1029 01:07:00,559 --> 01:07:02,019 Fu... 1030 01:07:02,019 --> 01:07:03,187 Bertie. 1031 01:07:03,187 --> 01:07:04,730 Hashtag "blessed." 1032 01:07:07,775 --> 01:07:10,403 Yeah! 1033 01:07:10,403 --> 01:07:11,404 Parkour. 1034 01:07:11,404 --> 01:07:12,571 Kill him, babe! 1035 01:07:12,571 --> 01:07:15,241 -Oh! 1036 01:07:16,117 --> 01:07:17,743 Morgan's gonna save us. 1037 01:07:19,495 --> 01:07:23,249 Jean-Claude Van Dipshit just ditched us, sweetie. 1038 01:07:30,256 --> 01:07:32,258 Hold your fire. 1039 01:07:32,258 --> 01:07:33,884 Barrel roll! 1040 01:07:35,594 --> 01:07:36,887 Easy, easy. 1041 01:07:36,887 --> 01:07:38,806 -Yeah! - Easy. 1042 01:07:38,806 --> 01:07:40,099 Identify yourself. 1043 01:07:40,099 --> 01:07:42,476 I'm one of the hostages. 1044 01:07:42,476 --> 01:07:45,604 Morgan Steel, the actor. 1045 01:07:45,604 --> 01:07:48,607 Played a lot of soldiers in my career. 1046 01:07:48,607 --> 01:07:52,194 Can I just say, thank you for your service. Semper fi. 1047 01:07:53,029 --> 01:07:54,947 What's the situation inside? 1048 01:07:54,947 --> 01:07:57,366 Bunch of ex-military guys, 1049 01:07:57,366 --> 01:07:59,368 but I got to warn you, they know you're coming. 1050 01:07:59,368 --> 01:08:01,037 I think they're ready for you. 1051 01:08:01,037 --> 01:08:02,872 They better be. 1052 01:08:02,872 --> 01:08:04,957 We're on a tight schedule. 1053 01:08:04,957 --> 01:08:06,792 Shit. 1054 01:08:10,129 --> 01:08:12,256 Oh, f... 1055 01:08:12,256 --> 01:08:15,551 - All right, let's move out. - Let's move out. 1056 01:08:19,722 --> 01:08:21,349 Come on. 1057 01:08:21,349 --> 01:08:23,559 You got to be kidding me. 1058 01:08:23,559 --> 01:08:25,269 Hey, Thorp, you're ten minutes late. 1059 01:08:25,269 --> 01:08:26,645 What kept you? 1060 01:08:26,645 --> 01:08:28,981 Looks to me like your net's got a hole in it. 1061 01:08:28,981 --> 01:08:31,442 Or are you just letting your hostages out for some exercise? 1062 01:08:31,442 --> 01:08:33,694 No, no, no. We got a wild gopher running around 1063 01:08:33,694 --> 01:08:36,280 complicating shit and causing problems. 1064 01:08:36,280 --> 01:08:37,865 Who? Lightstone security? 1065 01:08:37,865 --> 01:08:39,450 Nah, I don't think so. Some intruder dressed as Santa. 1066 01:08:39,450 --> 01:08:40,868 But I'm telling you, I'm telling you, 1067 01:08:40,868 --> 01:08:43,079 there's something weird about him. 1068 01:08:43,079 --> 01:08:44,705 Might be the real Santa. 1069 01:08:44,705 --> 01:08:47,166 - The fuck did she just say? - Nothing, nothing. 1070 01:08:47,166 --> 01:08:48,250 She's joking. 1071 01:08:48,250 --> 01:08:50,753 My squad will take care of it. 1072 01:08:53,130 --> 01:08:55,841 Beta Team, go find this asshole. 1073 01:08:55,841 --> 01:08:57,843 Go. 1074 01:08:57,843 --> 01:09:02,181 Now, let's unwrap our present, shall we? 1075 01:09:02,181 --> 01:09:04,433 All right, you heard the man. 1076 01:09:04,433 --> 01:09:07,061 Time to kill Santa. 1077 01:09:07,061 --> 01:09:09,522 I've got him. He's on the roof. 1078 01:09:09,522 --> 01:09:11,816 Roger that. I got eyes on him. 1079 01:09:29,208 --> 01:09:31,210 Right, Sugarplum. Hit that button. 1080 01:09:38,175 --> 01:09:40,052 Here we go. 1081 01:09:40,052 --> 01:09:41,429 Our skeleton key. 1082 01:09:41,429 --> 01:09:43,305 The "open" magic stick. 1083 01:09:43,305 --> 01:09:45,015 This better fucking work. 1084 01:09:45,015 --> 01:09:47,685 I'm flushing my career for this, my reputation. 1085 01:09:47,685 --> 01:09:50,479 Yeah, well, then you can buy yourself a new rep. 1086 01:09:59,405 --> 01:10:00,906 As a kid, I loved 1087 01:10:00,906 --> 01:10:02,950 unwrapping Christmas presents so much 1088 01:10:02,950 --> 01:10:05,911 that my mom would wrap empty boxes for me. 1089 01:10:06,829 --> 01:10:09,248 I didn't care that nothing was inside. 1090 01:10:21,218 --> 01:10:23,804 Is this a fucking joke? 1091 01:10:23,804 --> 01:10:25,014 No. 1092 01:10:26,390 --> 01:10:28,309 You said it would fucking be here! 1093 01:10:28,309 --> 01:10:31,937 I'm telling you, my intel was rock solid. 1094 01:10:31,937 --> 01:10:34,231 I had guys on the inside. 1095 01:10:35,274 --> 01:10:38,986 300 million in cash was delivered here yesterday 1096 01:10:38,986 --> 01:10:41,280 to this fucking mansion. 1097 01:10:46,285 --> 01:10:48,954 Somebody must've intercepted it. 1098 01:10:52,958 --> 01:10:55,002 Son of a bitch. 1099 01:11:17,399 --> 01:11:18,943 Oh, shit. 1100 01:11:18,943 --> 01:11:21,487 Santa, you okay? 1101 01:11:21,487 --> 01:11:23,072 Santa. 1102 01:11:23,072 --> 01:11:25,366 A bunch of new bad guys showed up. 1103 01:11:25,366 --> 01:11:27,159 They're on the naughty list. 1104 01:11:27,159 --> 01:11:30,162 They got their gadgets and their gizmos on them. 1105 01:11:30,996 --> 01:11:33,582 I'm sorry. I think this is it, kid. 1106 01:11:33,582 --> 01:11:35,376 No, no, don't say that. 1107 01:11:35,376 --> 01:11:37,378 The naughty list... 1108 01:11:37,378 --> 01:11:39,797 just grows and grows. 1109 01:11:48,514 --> 01:11:52,351 He's in that structure. Body cams on. 1110 01:11:52,351 --> 01:11:54,436 Don't give up. 1111 01:11:54,436 --> 01:11:57,022 You make a wish this time, Santa. 1112 01:11:57,022 --> 01:11:58,649 Just this once. 1113 01:11:58,649 --> 01:12:01,569 If you could have anything in this world, 1114 01:12:01,569 --> 01:12:03,821 what would it be? 1115 01:12:09,535 --> 01:12:12,580 I wish I could see Mrs. Claus again, 1116 01:12:12,580 --> 01:12:15,708 tell her how much I love her. 1117 01:12:15,708 --> 01:12:18,544 Then you make that wish come true. 1118 01:12:18,544 --> 01:12:20,713 - Oh, shit. 1119 01:12:20,713 --> 01:12:23,048 No, no, no, no. No, no. 1120 01:12:24,800 --> 01:12:26,218 Oh, God. 1121 01:12:26,218 --> 01:12:29,054 No. 1122 01:12:41,442 --> 01:12:44,445 You said these guys, they're naughty. 1123 01:12:44,445 --> 01:12:47,406 And what do you do to the naughty ones? 1124 01:12:47,406 --> 01:12:49,283 I give them a lump of coal. 1125 01:12:49,283 --> 01:12:51,535 Yeah. Give them their lumps. 1126 01:12:52,745 --> 01:12:55,039 Take that coal and shove it straight up their... 1127 01:12:55,039 --> 01:12:57,291 - Anuses. - Yeah! 1128 01:13:03,255 --> 01:13:04,923 They're right outside. 1129 01:13:19,104 --> 01:13:21,607 Santa's gonna eat through these guys 1130 01:13:21,607 --> 01:13:23,734 like a plate full of cookies. 1131 01:13:28,280 --> 01:13:29,657 Move, move. 1132 01:13:33,327 --> 01:13:35,120 Hey, lock it up. 1133 01:13:37,039 --> 01:13:38,874 Lights down. 1134 01:13:40,042 --> 01:13:41,960 Stay at my back. 1135 01:13:41,960 --> 01:13:44,088 All right, we got this, boys. 1136 01:14:02,940 --> 01:14:05,317 All right, where the fuck is my money?! 1137 01:14:05,317 --> 01:14:07,695 Where's the money?! 1138 01:14:18,330 --> 01:14:21,250 All right, I've been a sweetheart up to now. 1139 01:14:21,250 --> 01:14:22,710 But that's all over. 1140 01:14:22,710 --> 01:14:24,503 No more fucking games! 1141 01:14:24,503 --> 01:14:26,004 Where's the money? 1142 01:14:26,004 --> 01:14:29,049 Or I will shoot every last one of you and enjoy it. 1143 01:14:33,178 --> 01:14:35,931 - It's in the vault. - I just looked in the vault. 1144 01:14:35,931 --> 01:14:37,349 Had the money been in there, 1145 01:14:37,349 --> 01:14:39,184 I'd have a different expression on my face. 1146 01:14:39,184 --> 01:14:40,561 Impossible. 1147 01:14:40,561 --> 01:14:42,646 Takes days to get into that thing. 1148 01:14:42,646 --> 01:14:46,150 Not if we have the key, Mrs. Lightstone. 1149 01:14:47,526 --> 01:14:49,570 Thorp. 1150 01:14:50,946 --> 01:14:53,532 You can't trust anyone these days. 1151 01:14:53,532 --> 01:14:55,701 I'm not sure how, but you 1152 01:14:55,701 --> 01:14:58,579 or one of your shithead kids moved the money. 1153 01:14:58,579 --> 01:15:00,456 And this upsets me. 1154 01:15:00,456 --> 01:15:02,291 It upsets me 1155 01:15:02,291 --> 01:15:06,295 in a way that makes me want to just randomly shoot at people. 1156 01:15:07,296 --> 01:15:09,506 Hold on. Just... Sorry. 1157 01:15:09,506 --> 01:15:10,924 - Um... - What? What? 1158 01:15:10,924 --> 01:15:12,301 Uh, what if you randomly shoot 1159 01:15:12,301 --> 01:15:14,887 the only person who knows where it is? 1160 01:15:15,888 --> 01:15:18,223 Oh, fuck you people! 1161 01:15:52,883 --> 01:15:54,468 Suck on this. 1162 01:16:19,451 --> 01:16:20,953 I need some feedback, guys. 1163 01:16:22,538 --> 01:16:24,498 Guys, what the hell is going on? 1164 01:17:09,501 --> 01:17:10,919 - What's that? - Huh? 1165 01:17:49,917 --> 01:17:52,044 Jesus Christ. 1166 01:17:52,794 --> 01:17:55,213 Nope. Just jolly old Saint Nick. 1167 01:18:07,768 --> 01:18:10,520 -Oh, God! - There you go. 1168 01:18:10,520 --> 01:18:12,230 A little stocking stuffer. 1169 01:18:13,023 --> 01:18:16,610 Where is it? Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. 1170 01:18:16,610 --> 01:18:19,071 Fuck, fuck, fuck. 1171 01:18:19,071 --> 01:18:21,782 - I got to watch. - Fuck! 1172 01:18:22,908 --> 01:18:25,118 Ho-Ho-Holy shit. 1173 01:18:27,412 --> 01:18:30,123 Gertrude would never trust anybody 1174 01:18:30,123 --> 01:18:32,584 who wasn't blood with this kind of info. 1175 01:18:32,584 --> 01:18:34,294 So... 1176 01:18:34,294 --> 01:18:37,923 the in-laws wouldn't know shit, 1177 01:18:37,923 --> 01:18:40,467 which means that I can shoot her... 1178 01:18:42,010 --> 01:18:44,012 ...unless you tell me where the fucking money is. 1179 01:18:44,012 --> 01:18:46,264 Please don't, okay? It's Christmas. 1180 01:18:46,264 --> 01:18:48,100 Shut up! 1181 01:18:48,976 --> 01:18:50,394 I swear, I'll blow her brains out 1182 01:18:50,394 --> 01:18:51,812 unless you tell me where the money went. 1183 01:18:51,812 --> 01:18:54,022 I did it! 1184 01:18:54,022 --> 01:18:56,441 - What? - Okay. Yeah, I did it. 1185 01:18:56,441 --> 01:18:58,360 - I moved the money. - No, d-don't-don't be an idiot. 1186 01:18:58,360 --> 01:19:00,112 - What? - The money's our only leverage. 1187 01:19:00,112 --> 01:19:01,697 Well, my wife has a fucking gun to her head, so... 1188 01:19:01,697 --> 01:19:03,782 Yeah, how did you find out that we were coming, huh? 1189 01:19:03,782 --> 01:19:05,450 I didn't. I was stealing it. 1190 01:19:06,618 --> 01:19:08,078 - Yeah, coincidence. - Oh, my God. 1191 01:19:08,078 --> 01:19:09,454 I was planning to take the money 1192 01:19:09,454 --> 01:19:12,624 and leave with my wife and daughter tonight 1193 01:19:12,624 --> 01:19:14,626 and never come back here. 1194 01:19:14,626 --> 01:19:18,005 Oh, and then my mom would, uh, 1195 01:19:18,005 --> 01:19:20,007 read the note with her whiskey in the morning 1196 01:19:20,007 --> 01:19:21,800 and know what I had done. 1197 01:19:21,800 --> 01:19:24,094 For years, I have been telling you 1198 01:19:24,094 --> 01:19:26,471 to stop caring about your mother's fucking money! 1199 01:19:26,471 --> 01:19:29,725 And you think the solution was to steal a bunch of it. 1200 01:19:30,517 --> 01:19:32,728 Well, it... yeah, it does sound stupid 1201 01:19:32,728 --> 01:19:34,229 when you say it like that. 1202 01:19:34,229 --> 01:19:36,231 How can you do this right now? 1203 01:19:36,231 --> 01:19:38,316 It's disgusting. After all that Mother has given us? 1204 01:19:38,316 --> 01:19:40,527 Come on, Alva. Everything she ever gave you, 1205 01:19:40,527 --> 01:19:41,820 she made damn sure we knew 1206 01:19:41,820 --> 01:19:43,071 she had the power to take right back. 1207 01:19:43,071 --> 01:19:46,950 I have spent years groveling to you. 1208 01:19:46,950 --> 01:19:49,745 In the meanwhile, I was destroying 1209 01:19:49,745 --> 01:19:51,788 the only good thing in my life. 1210 01:19:51,788 --> 01:19:53,165 What are we doing here, huh? 1211 01:19:53,165 --> 01:19:55,792 Family therapy or doing a heist? 1212 01:19:55,792 --> 01:19:59,046 - Yeah, enough of this sharing bullshit. - 1213 01:19:59,046 --> 01:20:01,006 All right. Where'd you put it? 1214 01:20:07,179 --> 01:20:09,848 Look at this little idiot. 1215 01:20:13,560 --> 01:20:14,936 Oh, no. 1216 01:20:14,936 --> 01:20:16,772 What? 1217 01:20:16,772 --> 01:20:18,690 - The bad guys found me. - Okay. 1218 01:20:18,690 --> 01:20:20,525 I'm coming. 1219 01:20:27,115 --> 01:20:31,036 You know, booby traps don't work unless you hide them. 1220 01:20:33,705 --> 01:20:35,207 You little moron. 1221 01:20:38,251 --> 01:20:40,587 - Jesus! Shit! 1222 01:20:44,466 --> 01:20:46,635 Help me! Help me! Help! 1223 01:20:48,053 --> 01:20:50,180 You'll be f... You'll be fine. 1224 01:20:50,180 --> 01:20:52,349 Sit tight. I'll be back in a sec. 1225 01:20:55,227 --> 01:20:57,562 Right after I kill this little piece of shit! 1226 01:21:00,315 --> 01:21:02,734 You little fucking brat. 1227 01:21:51,158 --> 01:21:52,951 You're dead! 1228 01:21:52,951 --> 01:21:55,453 You're so fucking dead! 1229 01:22:02,627 --> 01:22:05,088 Fucking piece of shit. 1230 01:22:10,135 --> 01:22:12,971 You little... 1231 01:22:30,238 --> 01:22:32,282 - Incoming! 1232 01:22:51,009 --> 01:22:52,844 Son of a fucking... 1233 01:23:02,896 --> 01:23:04,856 Fuck. 1234 01:23:04,856 --> 01:23:06,650 I got you now, kid. 1235 01:23:06,650 --> 01:23:08,318 Yeah? Heads up. 1236 01:23:10,445 --> 01:23:12,072 That's all you got? You fucking... 1237 01:23:14,908 --> 01:23:17,452 Enough of this shit. 1238 01:23:43,019 --> 01:23:44,229 Santa! 1239 01:23:54,155 --> 01:23:56,408 Hi, Trudy. Hi. 1240 01:23:56,408 --> 01:23:59,244 I made booby traps like in the movie. It was so funny. 1241 01:23:59,244 --> 01:24:01,871 Ho, ho, ho. 1242 01:24:07,752 --> 01:24:11,673 Trudy, I want you to, uh... just do me a favor. 1243 01:24:12,507 --> 01:24:15,427 Just turn around and close your eyes. 1244 01:24:15,427 --> 01:24:18,263 Maybe put your fingers in your ears and, uh, 1245 01:24:18,263 --> 01:24:21,308 sing "Jingle Bells" as loud as you can. 1246 01:24:27,856 --> 01:24:30,817 You were about to murder an innocent child. 1247 01:24:32,152 --> 01:24:33,778 Innocent? 1248 01:24:33,778 --> 01:24:35,780 - It's naughty. 1249 01:24:35,780 --> 01:24:37,240 Naughty. 1250 01:24:37,991 --> 01:24:39,451 - Naughty! 1251 01:24:39,451 --> 01:24:41,161 It's part of the Lightstone legacy. 1252 01:24:41,161 --> 01:24:42,787 We're horrible people. 1253 01:24:42,787 --> 01:24:44,664 So I get why you did what you did. 1254 01:24:44,664 --> 01:24:46,750 When your grandfather told me I'd never run the company 1255 01:24:46,750 --> 01:24:49,169 because a girl doesn't have what it takes, 1256 01:24:49,169 --> 01:24:51,171 I had to snatch the reins away from him. 1257 01:24:51,171 --> 01:24:52,630 But the point is, 1258 01:24:52,630 --> 01:24:54,382 a Lightstone takes what's theirs. 1259 01:24:54,382 --> 01:24:56,051 I'm proud of you, son. 1260 01:24:56,051 --> 01:24:57,510 All right, where the hell is it? 1261 01:24:59,846 --> 01:25:01,765 The money's hidden inside. 1262 01:25:02,932 --> 01:25:06,061 And the Three Wise Men presented him with gifts 1263 01:25:06,061 --> 01:25:08,897 of frankincense, myrrh... 1264 01:25:11,024 --> 01:25:14,110 ...and cold hard cash. 1265 01:25:14,110 --> 01:25:15,570 Load it up, boys. 1266 01:25:15,570 --> 01:25:17,822 All right, we're securing the money. 1267 01:25:17,822 --> 01:25:19,908 Kill the hostages and meet us outside. 1268 01:25:19,908 --> 01:25:21,701 What? 1269 01:25:21,701 --> 01:25:23,703 No. 1270 01:25:25,497 --> 01:25:26,956 Mom. 1271 01:25:26,956 --> 01:25:28,333 It's fine, Bert. 1272 01:25:28,333 --> 01:25:29,834 Everything's fine. 1273 01:25:29,834 --> 01:25:31,920 Okay. 1274 01:25:31,920 --> 01:25:33,838 Everybody, get up. 1275 01:25:33,838 --> 01:25:38,343 It's time for a murder. 1276 01:25:38,343 --> 01:25:40,929 Come on. Come on. You don't want to kill us. 1277 01:25:40,929 --> 01:25:42,263 You really don't. 1278 01:25:42,263 --> 01:25:44,432 Oh, yes, I do. 1279 01:25:44,432 --> 01:25:47,519 I really, really, really do. 1280 01:25:47,519 --> 01:25:49,229 And I'm gonna start with you. 1281 01:25:49,229 --> 01:25:50,563 No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. 1282 01:25:50,563 --> 01:25:51,856 Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. 1283 01:25:53,566 --> 01:25:55,276 You got to kill Aunt Linda first. 1284 01:25:55,276 --> 01:25:57,028 What the hell, Bert? 1285 01:25:57,028 --> 01:25:59,114 You want to squeeze in being a little shit 1286 01:25:59,114 --> 01:26:00,657 before you die, Bertrude? 1287 01:26:00,657 --> 01:26:02,283 - I say shoot him first. - What? 1288 01:26:02,283 --> 01:26:04,369 Wait. No, no, no. Don't shoot him. 1289 01:26:04,369 --> 01:26:06,413 Don't shoot him first. And don't you call him 1290 01:26:06,413 --> 01:26:08,123 a little shit, you gold-digging bitch. 1291 01:26:08,123 --> 01:26:09,833 Okay. I changed my mind. 1292 01:26:09,833 --> 01:26:11,793 - Shoot the alcoholic bitch first. -Don't call my mom 1293 01:26:11,793 --> 01:26:13,878 - an alcoholic bitch. - Your mom's an alcoholic. 1294 01:26:13,878 --> 01:26:15,713 - I'm sorry. - You're a gold-digging bitch. 1295 01:26:15,713 --> 01:26:17,882 Oh, I'm a gold-digger, when I have a whole-ass career? 1296 01:26:17,882 --> 01:26:19,551 You're not even part of the fucking family. 1297 01:26:19,551 --> 01:26:22,303 - She's an engineer. - You know goddamn well... 1298 01:26:22,303 --> 01:26:23,680 Shut up! 1299 01:26:27,392 --> 01:26:31,479 Just like rats in a barrel. 1300 01:26:32,272 --> 01:26:34,441 Why don't you die with some dignity? 1301 01:26:39,487 --> 01:26:41,406 Get off of me! 1302 01:26:41,406 --> 01:26:43,158 Okay, okay. 1303 01:26:43,158 --> 01:26:44,409 Fuck you! 1304 01:26:44,409 --> 01:26:46,995 This is for yelling at my child! 1305 01:26:46,995 --> 01:26:48,413 Creep! 1306 01:26:48,413 --> 01:26:49,956 That's for slapping me, motherfucker! 1307 01:26:49,956 --> 01:26:52,041 This is for your dumb fucking hat! 1308 01:27:01,676 --> 01:27:03,344 Is he... 1309 01:27:03,344 --> 01:27:04,888 Is he dead? 1310 01:27:08,766 --> 01:27:10,643 Yeah. 1311 01:27:11,436 --> 01:27:13,062 Thanks, Linda. 1312 01:27:13,062 --> 01:27:16,274 Well, it's nice to do something as a family for a change. 1313 01:27:17,442 --> 01:27:19,152 --Oh, shit! 1314 01:27:19,152 --> 01:27:21,029 I'm gonna... 1315 01:27:25,116 --> 01:27:26,659 That was for Morgan. 1316 01:27:26,659 --> 01:27:31,664 He may have been stupid, but he was very, very hot. 1317 01:27:33,041 --> 01:27:35,418 Oh. Trudy! 1318 01:27:35,418 --> 01:27:37,837 - Mommy! 1319 01:27:37,837 --> 01:27:39,464 Thank God, baby. 1320 01:27:39,464 --> 01:27:41,382 Are you okay? 1321 01:27:41,382 --> 01:27:43,134 I'm okay, Mommy. 1322 01:27:43,134 --> 01:27:44,302 Okay. 1323 01:27:44,302 --> 01:27:46,804 This is my friend, Santa. 1324 01:27:51,226 --> 01:27:53,311 What the fuck? 1325 01:27:53,311 --> 01:27:55,146 I can't thank you enough, Mister... 1326 01:27:55,146 --> 01:27:57,482 Claus. But please call me Santa. 1327 01:27:57,482 --> 01:27:58,858 Mm-hmm. 1328 01:27:58,858 --> 01:28:00,985 You guys should get out of here. 1329 01:28:00,985 --> 01:28:02,445 It's dangerous. 1330 01:28:02,445 --> 01:28:04,781 They took my husband and her grandmother. 1331 01:28:06,616 --> 01:28:08,243 Anybody know how to work these gizmos? 1332 01:28:08,243 --> 01:28:09,577 I think so. 1333 01:28:09,577 --> 01:28:11,329 I used to hunt with my dad. 1334 01:28:11,329 --> 01:28:12,497 Ow. 1335 01:28:12,497 --> 01:28:14,165 Copy that. How's that looking? 1336 01:28:14,165 --> 01:28:17,001 - Yeah, I got it on lockdown. - Heads on a swivel, boys. 1337 01:28:18,336 --> 01:28:19,963 - Incoming! - Heads up! 1338 01:28:21,172 --> 01:28:22,674 - Oh, oh! Who's shooting? 1339 01:28:22,674 --> 01:28:24,342 - Who's... 1340 01:28:24,342 --> 01:28:27,512 - Cap, get down! - Watch it! Watch it! 1341 01:28:32,600 --> 01:28:34,978 Gun 'em down. Mow them all down. 1342 01:28:50,827 --> 01:28:53,663 - All right, let's get the fuck out of here. -Let's go. 1343 01:28:53,663 --> 01:28:56,165 - Go where? - Come on, move, you old bat. 1344 01:28:56,916 --> 01:28:58,876 Get your fucking hands off of me. 1345 01:29:09,012 --> 01:29:11,347 Oh! Oh, shit. 1346 01:29:11,347 --> 01:29:14,726 My balls! My fucking balls! 1347 01:29:31,367 --> 01:29:34,203 Ow, my balls! Why did you shoot me in the ball... 1348 01:29:38,041 --> 01:29:40,418 Oh, Jesus. 1349 01:29:40,418 --> 01:29:42,086 Sorry. 1350 01:29:43,921 --> 01:29:46,591 Don't worry about us, Mr. Claus. We got this. 1351 01:29:46,591 --> 01:29:48,843 Who is that guy? 1352 01:29:48,843 --> 01:29:51,471 He said he was Mr. Claus. 1353 01:29:53,264 --> 01:29:55,308 - Fuck. Trudy. - No, no. 1354 01:29:55,308 --> 01:29:56,934 She's in the house. She's okay. 1355 01:29:56,934 --> 01:29:58,311 She's safe. 1356 01:29:58,311 --> 01:30:00,438 - Oh, thank God. - Yeah. 1357 01:30:21,167 --> 01:30:22,627 No, no. 1358 01:30:22,627 --> 01:30:25,296 - Oh... go, go, go, go, go. - No, no, no. Wait, wait. 1359 01:31:11,134 --> 01:31:13,553 Oh, shit! 1360 01:31:15,805 --> 01:31:18,599 - Ho, ho! 1361 01:31:20,309 --> 01:31:21,519 Fuck! 1362 01:32:05,104 --> 01:32:07,774 - Fucking die. 1363 01:33:00,952 --> 01:33:02,829 Come on. Come on. Come on. 1364 01:33:02,829 --> 01:33:06,123 Yeah, over here. Over here. 1365 01:33:06,123 --> 01:33:07,375 Santa! 1366 01:33:08,334 --> 01:33:10,169 Come on! 1367 01:33:10,169 --> 01:33:11,629 Yeah. 1368 01:33:55,423 --> 01:33:56,674 Fuck. 1369 01:34:20,364 --> 01:34:22,408 You're real? 1370 01:34:23,784 --> 01:34:26,203 You're... him. 1371 01:34:29,206 --> 01:34:30,458 You're you. 1372 01:34:30,458 --> 01:34:33,169 That's what I've been trying to tell you. 1373 01:34:33,169 --> 01:34:36,547 The real goddamn Santa Claus. 1374 01:34:36,547 --> 01:34:39,008 This is not your night, pal. 1375 01:34:39,008 --> 01:34:42,136 Oh, I don't know. I think you're wrong. 1376 01:34:42,136 --> 01:34:45,556 I think my whole shitty life's built up to this moment. 1377 01:34:45,556 --> 01:34:46,933 Because when I kill you, 1378 01:34:46,933 --> 01:34:50,227 this whole goddamn holiday finally ends. 1379 01:34:51,979 --> 01:34:53,898 Whatever it takes... 1380 01:34:55,650 --> 01:34:57,735 ...Christmas dies tonight. 1381 01:35:49,954 --> 01:35:51,622 Whoa! 1382 01:37:16,874 --> 01:37:19,460 The last Christmas. 1383 01:37:29,303 --> 01:37:31,931 Not if you still believe. 1384 01:37:33,724 --> 01:37:35,726 No! 1385 01:38:03,754 --> 01:38:07,424 I have no idea what the fuck is going on here. 1386 01:38:09,802 --> 01:38:11,929 But this ends now. 1387 01:38:16,851 --> 01:38:18,644 Damn right it does. 1388 01:38:27,820 --> 01:38:29,989 Trudy, be careful. 1389 01:38:33,701 --> 01:38:35,619 Santa! 1390 01:38:35,619 --> 01:38:38,122 Oh, no. Santa. 1391 01:38:39,582 --> 01:38:41,125 Oh, no. 1392 01:38:47,923 --> 01:38:50,092 You saved my daughter. 1393 01:38:50,885 --> 01:38:52,428 No. 1394 01:38:53,220 --> 01:38:54,805 She saved me. 1395 01:38:54,805 --> 01:38:57,558 Help him. Please help him. 1396 01:38:57,558 --> 01:39:00,060 Honey, I don't think there's anything we can do. 1397 01:39:00,060 --> 01:39:01,312 It's okay. It's okay. 1398 01:39:01,312 --> 01:39:03,647 It's too late for that. 1399 01:39:03,647 --> 01:39:05,983 Too late. 1400 01:39:06,775 --> 01:39:09,445 I'm cold. 1401 01:39:09,445 --> 01:39:11,697 I haven't felt cold in years. 1402 01:39:11,697 --> 01:39:13,741 We need to keep him warm. 1403 01:39:14,575 --> 01:39:16,994 All of the fires are going out. 1404 01:39:16,994 --> 01:39:19,288 We need to find something to burn. 1405 01:39:20,623 --> 01:39:22,166 I got an idea. 1406 01:39:25,085 --> 01:39:27,046 Whoa. 1407 01:39:28,589 --> 01:39:30,007 No. 1408 01:39:30,007 --> 01:39:32,176 No, no, no, no. No, Jason, no. 1409 01:39:32,176 --> 01:39:33,302 Please, Santa. 1410 01:39:33,302 --> 01:39:36,305 I don't want you to die. 1411 01:39:39,391 --> 01:39:41,101 Jason, let's slow this down. 1412 01:39:41,101 --> 01:39:42,603 What are you doing? 1413 01:39:42,603 --> 01:39:45,898 I've lived longer than any man should ever live. 1414 01:39:45,898 --> 01:39:48,609 He's pretty much dead. What the hell is happening? 1415 01:39:48,609 --> 01:39:50,694 - You don't need to burn money. - Okay. More. Yeah. 1416 01:39:50,694 --> 01:39:54,156 You can't die, Santa. You have to get up. 1417 01:39:54,156 --> 01:39:56,700 I think I used up all my Christmas magic. 1418 01:39:57,701 --> 01:39:59,328 Sorry. 1419 01:40:01,372 --> 01:40:05,125 I'm s... I'm sorry I can't give you what you asked for. 1420 01:40:06,710 --> 01:40:09,004 Take that. Take that. 1421 01:40:09,004 --> 01:40:10,547 But you did. 1422 01:40:13,300 --> 01:40:15,636 Santa, please don't die. 1423 01:40:15,636 --> 01:40:18,180 Wake up. Wake up. 1424 01:40:18,180 --> 01:40:20,849 We need to get him close to the fire. 1425 01:40:20,849 --> 01:40:22,726 Jason. 1426 01:40:23,477 --> 01:40:25,437 Just wake up. 1427 01:40:26,480 --> 01:40:27,856 Please. 1428 01:40:27,856 --> 01:40:29,733 No. 1429 01:40:34,071 --> 01:40:37,324 Oh, I am so, so sorry. 1430 01:40:42,246 --> 01:40:44,957 - This man... 1431 01:40:45,791 --> 01:40:49,628 This brave, brave man, whoever he was... 1432 01:40:49,628 --> 01:40:50,921 He's Santa. 1433 01:40:50,921 --> 01:40:53,173 The real Santa. He is. 1434 01:40:53,173 --> 01:40:56,260 And I still believe in him. 1435 01:40:57,094 --> 01:40:59,763 I'll always believe in you, Santa. 1436 01:41:04,393 --> 01:41:06,353 I believe in him, too. 1437 01:41:09,356 --> 01:41:12,192 He saved Trudy. 1438 01:41:12,192 --> 01:41:14,445 He saved our family. 1439 01:41:16,405 --> 01:41:18,741 What's realer than that? 1440 01:41:22,703 --> 01:41:24,496 Then maybe... 1441 01:41:26,999 --> 01:41:29,126 I believe in him, too. 1442 01:41:29,960 --> 01:41:31,503 So do I. 1443 01:41:32,546 --> 01:41:35,883 Oh, shit. 1444 01:41:35,883 --> 01:41:38,010 I guess... 1445 01:41:38,010 --> 01:41:40,095 I guess I do, too. 1446 01:41:40,095 --> 01:41:41,930 Fuck me. 1447 01:41:41,930 --> 01:41:43,724 I believe, too. 1448 01:41:54,151 --> 01:41:55,694 Oh, my God. 1449 01:41:55,694 --> 01:41:56,862 Santa! 1450 01:42:01,867 --> 01:42:03,410 You... 1451 01:42:05,162 --> 01:42:07,206 You were dead. 1452 01:42:07,998 --> 01:42:10,584 Christmas magic. 1453 01:42:10,584 --> 01:42:13,212 I still don't really understand... 1454 01:42:13,212 --> 01:42:15,172 how it works. 1455 01:42:20,803 --> 01:42:22,721 Thank you. 1456 01:42:22,721 --> 01:42:24,765 I don't know how we can ever repay you. 1457 01:42:24,765 --> 01:42:26,934 Well, you brought me back from the dead, 1458 01:42:26,934 --> 01:42:28,519 so we'll call it even. 1459 01:42:29,686 --> 01:42:30,896 Even? 1460 01:42:30,896 --> 01:42:33,565 We just burned half a million dollars. 1461 01:42:34,400 --> 01:42:36,026 - Look, Santa! - Hmm? 1462 01:42:36,026 --> 01:42:37,403 Look who came. 1463 01:42:44,576 --> 01:42:48,122 Now you show up, huh? 1464 01:42:48,122 --> 01:42:49,581 You leave me here to die, 1465 01:42:49,581 --> 01:42:51,834 come back after all the work's done, huh? 1466 01:42:51,834 --> 01:42:54,586 You know what? I should make you guys into a stew 1467 01:42:54,586 --> 01:42:56,839 and feed you to the elves! 1468 01:42:58,799 --> 01:43:03,554 Yes, Blitzen! Yes, I'm talking to you! 1469 01:43:03,554 --> 01:43:05,681 You, too, Prancer. 1470 01:43:11,061 --> 01:43:13,105 You got my sack. 1471 01:43:13,105 --> 01:43:17,401 My spare... You went home and you got my spare sack? 1472 01:43:19,278 --> 01:43:22,030 Oh, God, I can't stay mad at you guys. 1473 01:43:22,030 --> 01:43:23,615 I... 1474 01:43:23,615 --> 01:43:27,995 Aw. I can't. I can't. 1475 01:43:27,995 --> 01:43:30,747 Aw. 1476 01:43:31,790 --> 01:43:33,917 Aw. 1477 01:43:44,803 --> 01:43:46,346 Hello, beautiful. 1478 01:43:46,346 --> 01:43:48,265 Skullcrusher! 1479 01:44:01,278 --> 01:44:02,946 Guess this is goodbye. 1480 01:44:02,946 --> 01:44:04,406 I got to go. 1481 01:44:05,282 --> 01:44:07,409 Do you have to? 1482 01:44:10,704 --> 01:44:12,873 It's Christmas Eve, and there's a lot of... 1483 01:44:12,873 --> 01:44:14,583 boys and girls on the nice list 1484 01:44:14,583 --> 01:44:17,002 that want their presents, you know? 1485 01:44:19,129 --> 01:44:20,797 Thank you. 1486 01:44:21,798 --> 01:44:23,383 For what? 1487 01:44:23,383 --> 01:44:25,052 For believing in me. 1488 01:44:25,052 --> 01:44:28,388 For reminding me that Christmas still matters. 1489 01:44:29,973 --> 01:44:32,434 And that I still... 1490 01:44:32,434 --> 01:44:34,811 matter. 1491 01:44:36,355 --> 01:44:38,524 You gave me my "ho, ho, ho" back. 1492 01:44:48,408 --> 01:44:50,744 All right. Get out of here. 1493 01:44:54,456 --> 01:44:57,376 Merry Christmas! 1494 01:44:59,920 --> 01:45:01,171 Hyah! 1495 01:45:01,171 --> 01:45:04,550 Now, Dasher! Now, Dancer! 1496 01:45:04,550 --> 01:45:06,677 Now, Prancer and Vixen! 1497 01:45:06,677 --> 01:45:10,180 On, Comet! On, Cupid! 1498 01:45:10,180 --> 01:45:13,183 On, Donner and Blitzen! 1499 01:45:13,183 --> 01:45:16,770 Come on, you beautiful bastards! 1500 01:45:16,770 --> 01:45:20,148 We've got some work to do! 1501 01:45:20,148 --> 01:45:23,193 Hyah! 1502 01:45:23,193 --> 01:45:25,904 Ho, ho, ho! 1503 01:45:25,904 --> 01:45:29,116 Merry Christmas! 1504 01:46:57,412 --> 01:46:59,581 Hey, yo! What's Gucci, squad fam? 1505 01:46:59,581 --> 01:47:02,668 It's the Bert Locker, living the dream. 1506 01:47:02,668 --> 01:47:04,753 You know what? See this guy? Dead as hell. 1507 01:47:04,753 --> 01:47:06,546 Santa's real, all right? 1508 01:47:06,546 --> 01:47:08,423 Don't end up on the naughty list. 1509 01:47:08,423 --> 01:47:09,675 Do better. 1510 01:47:09,675 --> 01:47:11,802 Bert Lightstone out.