1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 3 00:00:33,409 --> 00:00:35,494 - Ladies and gentlemen, the star of Tremors 6, 4 00:00:35,536 --> 00:00:38,330 please make some noise for Mr. Jamie Kennedy. 5 00:00:57,725 --> 00:00:58,684 Wow. 6 00:01:01,395 --> 00:01:03,773 You guys, I gotta tell you somethin'. 7 00:01:03,814 --> 00:01:05,816 I have starred in movies. 8 00:01:07,026 --> 00:01:09,445 I have had my own television show. 9 00:01:09,487 --> 00:01:13,866 I have played 5,000 people in London, 10 00:01:15,493 --> 00:01:18,954 but tonight, I'm playing the back of a bowling alley 11 00:01:21,123 --> 00:01:22,666 in Huntington Beach. 12 00:01:24,794 --> 00:01:25,628 Woo! 13 00:01:28,964 --> 00:01:29,799 Yeah! 14 00:01:32,718 --> 00:01:34,512 Career's going great. 15 00:01:39,099 --> 00:01:42,228 Agent's got me at a fucking smoothie stand next week. 16 00:01:45,773 --> 00:01:47,066 How many people came here tonight 17 00:01:47,107 --> 00:01:50,236 'cause they got my blast on Facebook? 18 00:01:53,364 --> 00:01:54,490 Well, that was. 19 00:01:57,785 --> 00:01:59,620 That was incredible, that was. 20 00:02:02,206 --> 00:02:04,291 Two and a half people, that is. 21 00:02:05,876 --> 00:02:10,631 Wow, this is starting great so far, this special, this is. 22 00:02:12,675 --> 00:02:15,094 I'll be at a rolling skating rink next week. 23 00:02:22,309 --> 00:02:25,104 I have 183,000 friends, okay, I have. 24 00:02:27,523 --> 00:02:29,108 Just have two here, 25 00:02:31,151 --> 00:02:32,152 in Huntington, Jesus, 26 00:02:35,573 --> 00:02:36,782 but I've done a lot of, how many people came 27 00:02:36,824 --> 00:02:38,534 'cause they heard me on the radio? 28 00:02:42,246 --> 00:02:44,498 The marketing at this bowling alley is incredible. 29 00:02:44,540 --> 00:02:45,624 This is. 30 00:02:48,878 --> 00:02:50,838 How many people were just returning their shoes 31 00:02:50,880 --> 00:02:52,047 and happened to see I was in the back 32 00:02:52,089 --> 00:02:53,340 and just were? 33 00:03:02,141 --> 00:03:04,351 Wait, this isn't like a Groupon show, is it? 34 00:03:11,692 --> 00:03:12,735 I hate those. 35 00:03:14,194 --> 00:03:14,987 I've done those. 36 00:03:15,029 --> 00:03:17,323 60% off Jamie Kennedy, 37 00:03:19,575 --> 00:03:21,327 with some teeth whitening. 38 00:03:29,627 --> 00:03:34,131 You heard it though, they said I was the star of Tremors 6, 39 00:03:36,133 --> 00:03:37,509 my latest credit. 40 00:03:37,551 --> 00:03:39,178 How many people didn't know there was a Tremors 5? 41 00:03:43,390 --> 00:03:46,101 That was a lot of clap, that was. 42 00:03:47,311 --> 00:03:48,562 They're reviving everything, right? 43 00:03:48,604 --> 00:03:51,941 Like they want me to do another Tremors. 44 00:03:51,982 --> 00:03:54,318 I'm gonna do Tremors 'til I'm 80, 45 00:03:55,945 --> 00:03:57,947 'til I have actual tremors. 46 00:03:59,573 --> 00:04:01,909 This Soup is Hot. 47 00:04:04,620 --> 00:04:06,914 Shittin' In a Bag. 48 00:04:10,751 --> 00:04:11,877 Malibu! 49 00:04:11,919 --> 00:04:13,712 Malibu, thank you sir. 50 00:04:14,713 --> 00:04:16,507 Thank you, Malibu, Malibu. 51 00:04:22,721 --> 00:04:24,264 I remember that job. 52 00:04:26,433 --> 00:04:28,394 I love when people shout out old jobs. 53 00:04:29,269 --> 00:04:30,521 Imagine if I did that to people. 54 00:04:30,562 --> 00:04:32,064 Bed, Bath, and Beyond! 55 00:04:34,650 --> 00:04:36,151 Chick-Fil-A! 56 00:04:38,654 --> 00:04:40,114 DMV in the house. 57 00:04:48,580 --> 00:04:52,543 I appreciate you guys recognize me, thank you, 58 00:04:54,503 --> 00:04:57,256 'cause I never know my level of fame, you know what I mean. 59 00:04:58,215 --> 00:04:59,466 I know, was that a mouse? 60 00:05:06,098 --> 00:05:08,475 I never know my level of fame, you know what I mean. 61 00:05:08,517 --> 00:05:11,228 Famous people, we're like animals. 62 00:05:11,270 --> 00:05:13,647 You see one of 'em, it's like being on a safari. 63 00:05:14,732 --> 00:05:16,191 All right, your girlfriend's out there, 64 00:05:16,233 --> 00:05:19,153 she's like honey, honey, look, look, look, look. 65 00:05:23,657 --> 00:05:26,785 I think that's a George Clooney. 66 00:05:26,827 --> 00:05:28,954 He's eating an apple. 67 00:05:28,996 --> 00:05:32,458 Hold on. 68 00:05:34,001 --> 00:05:37,546 Here, Georgie, Georgie, Georgie. 69 00:05:38,839 --> 00:05:40,299 I want him to eat out of my hand. 70 00:05:43,177 --> 00:05:45,637 You see George Clooney, that's like seeing 71 00:05:45,679 --> 00:05:48,140 a rare albino giraffe. 72 00:05:50,559 --> 00:05:53,145 People see me, I'm more like a pigeon, 73 00:05:57,357 --> 00:05:59,610 and I got yell directly in my face type of fame, 74 00:05:59,651 --> 00:06:03,781 like people have no problems interrupting me at all. 75 00:06:03,822 --> 00:06:06,033 People are always like, yeah, yeah, yeah! 76 00:06:07,701 --> 00:06:09,036 Yeah, Jamie Kennedy, dude. 77 00:06:11,663 --> 00:06:13,540 Hey, what are you doing in Olive Garden, dude? 78 00:06:16,376 --> 00:06:17,836 Are you broke or? 79 00:06:22,299 --> 00:06:23,842 I did that joke in Reseda, people are like, 80 00:06:23,884 --> 00:06:25,385 what's wrong with Olive Garden? 81 00:06:29,765 --> 00:06:31,433 I did that joke in Victorville, they go, 82 00:06:31,475 --> 00:06:32,601 we have an Olive Garden? 83 00:06:36,980 --> 00:06:38,899 I got recognized the other day, right. 84 00:06:40,150 --> 00:06:41,110 I'm at the airport. 85 00:06:42,528 --> 00:06:44,655 TSA lady, she took my license, she looked at it, 86 00:06:44,696 --> 00:06:46,698 she's like, I'm Shannon. 87 00:06:49,743 --> 00:06:52,162 I'm with Jamie Kennedy, okay. 88 00:06:54,248 --> 00:06:57,000 Ooh, I used to love your ass back in the day. 89 00:07:03,715 --> 00:07:06,260 I'm like, the day is still here. 90 00:07:10,389 --> 00:07:13,475 It's Jamie Kenne-DAY, it's not. 91 00:07:14,935 --> 00:07:17,437 It's not dusk, it's like 3:30. 92 00:07:23,735 --> 00:07:25,571 I appreciate you letting me do that character, 93 00:07:25,612 --> 00:07:28,574 'cause that was a black woman, 94 00:07:35,497 --> 00:07:37,207 but it's, she lives inside of me. 95 00:07:37,249 --> 00:07:39,001 Inside, I feel, 96 00:07:40,252 --> 00:07:42,588 as a black woman, you know what I mean? 97 00:07:42,629 --> 00:07:43,547 I think it's 'cause I watched 98 00:07:43,589 --> 00:07:45,090 a lot of Angela Bassett movies 99 00:07:46,800 --> 00:07:47,843 as a child. 100 00:07:48,969 --> 00:07:50,888 I love Angela Bassett, right, that chick. 101 00:07:50,929 --> 00:07:55,934 Even her littlest moments in her movies, she's so dramatic. 102 00:07:56,393 --> 00:07:57,227 She's so good. 103 00:07:58,437 --> 00:08:00,063 Little kid's like, little kid's like, 104 00:08:00,105 --> 00:08:01,857 hey mom, can you pass the salt? 105 00:08:01,899 --> 00:08:04,443 What I tell you about the goddamn salt? 106 00:08:07,821 --> 00:08:11,491 Boy, your blood pressure's through the roof! 107 00:08:12,826 --> 00:08:15,245 Your great-granddaddy Alonzo. 108 00:08:16,663 --> 00:08:18,916 Black lady's laughing, white people don't know if they can. 109 00:08:21,001 --> 00:08:22,628 It's okay, guys, it's Black-approved. 110 00:08:22,669 --> 00:08:25,964 She is, Black lady approval. 111 00:08:26,840 --> 00:08:28,133 Thank God you're here. 112 00:08:30,260 --> 00:08:32,846 Thank God you are here, boo-boo. 113 00:08:36,350 --> 00:08:37,559 Before I saw you, I thought 114 00:08:37,601 --> 00:08:40,145 I was playing in Huntington Bleach. 115 00:08:41,021 --> 00:08:44,858 Oh, oh, oh, oh. 116 00:08:47,819 --> 00:08:49,988 I read something about myself recently that said this. 117 00:08:50,030 --> 00:08:52,658 It said, Jamie Kennedy looks as if 118 00:08:52,699 --> 00:08:57,371 Matthew McConaughey raped Bradley Cooper, 119 00:09:01,083 --> 00:09:03,252 and my first question is, why does it gotta be a rape? 120 00:09:08,048 --> 00:09:09,007 Why can't it just be a nice evening 121 00:09:09,049 --> 00:09:10,509 with a couple of gentlemen? 122 00:09:13,262 --> 00:09:15,514 Plate of Brie, right, why does it have to be? 123 00:09:19,393 --> 00:09:21,228 I mean, I guess that's a compliment, right? 124 00:09:21,270 --> 00:09:24,523 I mean, they're both good looking, Oscar-nominated. 125 00:09:24,564 --> 00:09:26,650 I always wanted to work with Matthew and Bradley, 126 00:09:30,862 --> 00:09:33,156 even it was a rape scene, I mean. 127 00:09:35,367 --> 00:09:37,411 I think it'd be good for my career, actually. 128 00:09:38,620 --> 00:09:40,872 I think it'd be bigger than Tremors 6, right? 129 00:09:42,749 --> 00:09:45,460 Ass-Blasters Come Home. 130 00:09:47,379 --> 00:09:48,797 Tremors fans get that joke. 131 00:09:50,757 --> 00:09:53,343 That's a scene I wouldn't do with McConaughey though. 132 00:09:53,385 --> 00:09:56,513 He's a, that's the one actor I wouldn't want to do that with 133 00:09:56,555 --> 00:09:59,641 'cause he's, he's massive, all right, 134 00:10:01,768 --> 00:10:04,396 all right, he's committed. 135 00:10:04,438 --> 00:10:06,565 He lost 42 pounds and won an Oscar, 136 00:10:06,606 --> 00:10:08,608 and he might just do it. 137 00:10:14,489 --> 00:10:16,700 He might just, he's charming. 138 00:10:16,742 --> 00:10:18,410 How you gonna stop him, right? 139 00:10:23,415 --> 00:10:25,876 Just come out and be like, all right. 140 00:10:28,503 --> 00:10:31,214 All right, all right, all right. 141 00:10:33,258 --> 00:10:34,843 I say, now Bradley. 142 00:10:37,763 --> 00:10:39,723 Now I'm gonna do you. 143 00:10:43,352 --> 00:10:44,770 I'm gonna do you, 144 00:10:47,564 --> 00:10:50,067 I'm gonna do you high, I'm gonna do you hard. 145 00:10:54,654 --> 00:10:57,949 I'm gonna do you long, I'm gonna do you strong. 146 00:11:02,162 --> 00:11:04,206 I'm gonna do you in the pooper, Cooper. 147 00:11:12,506 --> 00:11:15,217 Ain't a dang thing you can do about it. 148 00:11:18,387 --> 00:11:23,308 We gonna do it all in the back of a Lincoln Continental. 149 00:11:32,234 --> 00:11:34,694 You guys see that commercial? 150 00:11:36,029 --> 00:11:37,697 I auditioned. 151 00:11:42,119 --> 00:11:43,787 Didn't get a callback on that. 152 00:11:46,164 --> 00:11:48,125 Jesus God, these skinny jeans. 153 00:11:55,549 --> 00:12:00,095 I'm not married yet, you know, and people think it's weird, 154 00:12:01,763 --> 00:12:03,014 'cause I just turned 40, 155 00:12:04,683 --> 00:12:05,517 six. 156 00:12:11,231 --> 00:12:12,399 I'm waiting for the right time. 157 00:12:12,441 --> 00:12:14,943 These things kinda, you gotta make, 158 00:12:14,985 --> 00:12:16,361 it's a big decision in life. 159 00:12:17,737 --> 00:12:19,406 I don't know if I'm ready to be married yet. 160 00:12:19,448 --> 00:12:20,615 I grew up in the '80s. 161 00:12:20,657 --> 00:12:22,993 I still feel like I'm 16. 162 00:12:23,034 --> 00:12:25,203 I was part of a break dance crew. 163 00:12:27,914 --> 00:12:29,958 When you're into break dance and people challenge you 164 00:12:30,000 --> 00:12:31,418 to do something, you battle, 165 00:12:33,003 --> 00:12:34,212 when they make you do something you don't wanna do, 166 00:12:34,254 --> 00:12:36,381 so like, isn't that marriage every night? 167 00:12:38,258 --> 00:12:40,427 My wife would be like, your night to do the dishes, 168 00:12:40,469 --> 00:12:41,845 I'm like, nuh uh. 169 00:12:51,521 --> 00:12:52,647 You scrub. 170 00:12:57,110 --> 00:12:58,153 Take out the trash. 171 00:12:58,195 --> 00:12:59,738 Nuh uh. 172 00:13:03,909 --> 00:13:05,035 It always. 173 00:13:08,455 --> 00:13:12,125 I mean, I used to have a girlfriend and she was very tall. 174 00:13:13,710 --> 00:13:15,295 I used to call her the chainsaw. 175 00:13:17,714 --> 00:13:18,632 I mean, she come at me man, she be like, 176 00:13:38,443 --> 00:13:40,820 We're going to Jersey Mike's. 177 00:13:45,992 --> 00:13:48,328 I don't need a chainsaw as a girlfriend, okay. 178 00:13:51,289 --> 00:13:54,125 I'd like to have an oscillating fan, that'd be. 179 00:13:55,752 --> 00:13:57,546 That'd be so cool, some woman who's just like, 180 00:13:57,587 --> 00:14:00,340 Jah, 181 00:14:03,677 --> 00:14:04,511 mie. 182 00:14:11,726 --> 00:14:16,731 Someone who's quiet and who will gently blow me. 183 00:14:19,651 --> 00:14:23,154 Ooh, it was scary to do that joke. 184 00:14:23,196 --> 00:14:24,656 I'm glad you laughed, okay. 185 00:14:27,742 --> 00:14:29,494 People say I can't do jokes like that anymore. 186 00:14:29,536 --> 00:14:32,372 People, lady groups get mad. 187 00:14:35,125 --> 00:14:37,002 I did that joke in New York, some lady stood up, 188 00:14:37,043 --> 00:14:39,254 she goes, suck it yourself! 189 00:14:42,882 --> 00:14:45,468 I wanted to tell her, if I could suck it myself, I would, 190 00:14:49,139 --> 00:14:51,308 and I would swallow every goddamn drop. 191 00:14:55,061 --> 00:14:56,896 I will finish the job. 192 00:14:59,024 --> 00:15:01,276 I would take me down to a raisin. 193 00:15:09,075 --> 00:15:10,327 That was weird. 194 00:15:12,495 --> 00:15:14,497 I sound like Batman there. 195 00:15:16,499 --> 00:15:17,292 Who are you? 196 00:15:17,334 --> 00:15:18,668 I'm Batman. 197 00:15:20,170 --> 00:15:21,963 I'm here to empty your bag. 198 00:15:25,050 --> 00:15:25,884 I'm Bagman. 199 00:15:29,638 --> 00:15:33,058 You can't, by the way you can't say blowjob anymore. 200 00:15:33,099 --> 00:15:35,018 I don't use that word, women get mad. 201 00:15:36,603 --> 00:15:37,771 I use codewords. 202 00:15:37,812 --> 00:15:39,064 I was out with this girl the other night. 203 00:15:39,105 --> 00:15:40,357 The end of the date, I was just like, 204 00:15:40,398 --> 00:15:45,111 hey girl, what's up with that breezejob? 205 00:15:54,371 --> 00:15:56,998 I caught myself standing like this like a freak, I was like. 206 00:15:59,292 --> 00:16:01,086 I automatically led with that, 207 00:16:01,127 --> 00:16:03,171 but yeah, I was just like a creep. 208 00:16:06,299 --> 00:16:08,176 Windchill factor's kinda low. 209 00:16:12,097 --> 00:16:13,473 I had a friend who's a girl. 210 00:16:15,392 --> 00:16:18,520 You laugh, but it's very hard to have a friend who's a girl 211 00:16:19,813 --> 00:16:21,398 'cause of sexual tension, 212 00:16:23,233 --> 00:16:26,111 and if you don't believe that, you're a girl. 213 00:16:31,282 --> 00:16:33,535 Girls are like, we're just friends, what, no. 214 00:16:35,495 --> 00:16:37,330 He doesn't want to have sex. 215 00:16:38,498 --> 00:16:40,041 He likes my brains. 216 00:16:43,670 --> 00:16:44,754 Did you ask him? 217 00:16:47,799 --> 00:16:49,134 Dudes will linger, right. 218 00:16:49,175 --> 00:16:50,635 We'll linger, we're just waiting for you. 219 00:16:50,677 --> 00:16:52,721 We'll just wait and wait and wait, 220 00:16:54,264 --> 00:16:56,307 until you're just ready to be like, this bra's too tight. 221 00:17:00,812 --> 00:17:02,230 Is it time? 222 00:17:02,272 --> 00:17:03,815 Yeah. 223 00:17:04,941 --> 00:17:05,859 Is it time? 224 00:17:14,617 --> 00:17:15,952 It's only been a couple years. 225 00:17:15,994 --> 00:17:17,912 I had this girl, right, she was really hot. 226 00:17:17,954 --> 00:17:19,456 She always used me, I think she was using me 227 00:17:19,497 --> 00:17:20,874 when she wanted errands done. 228 00:17:22,333 --> 00:17:23,710 I couldn't take it anymore. 229 00:17:24,544 --> 00:17:25,795 I'm like, okay Heidi. 230 00:17:25,837 --> 00:17:29,132 I went shopping, I went to Petco, 231 00:17:30,675 --> 00:17:34,763 I fixed all your fuckin' dog food, you need anything else? 232 00:17:34,804 --> 00:17:36,806 She's like, well my birdfeeder's broken. 233 00:17:37,724 --> 00:17:39,601 Could you maybe fix that? 234 00:17:39,642 --> 00:17:41,895 And I said okay, I say, you know what, Heidi? 235 00:17:43,062 --> 00:17:45,023 I think it's time for us to have sex. 236 00:17:48,485 --> 00:17:50,069 That job has a tariff, okay. 237 00:17:52,030 --> 00:17:54,491 That's a boyfriend job, all right, 238 00:17:54,532 --> 00:17:56,868 and she goes, uh, I think that sex 239 00:17:56,910 --> 00:17:59,204 would get in the way of our friendship, 240 00:17:59,245 --> 00:18:01,456 and I'm like, uh, I think our friendship 241 00:18:01,498 --> 00:18:03,416 is getting in the way of our sex. 242 00:18:11,424 --> 00:18:12,926 I get jealous, though, of people. 243 00:18:12,967 --> 00:18:14,552 People, probably a lot of couples here tonight, 244 00:18:14,594 --> 00:18:16,304 people who are married, right, 245 00:18:17,597 --> 00:18:20,558 got girlfriend or boyfriend or you're married. 246 00:18:20,600 --> 00:18:23,561 I gotta go out, I gotta look for girls. 247 00:18:23,603 --> 00:18:26,064 Okay, that sounded weird, I'm sorry. 248 00:18:27,774 --> 00:18:30,109 I gotta go out, I gotta hunt for women. 249 00:18:32,320 --> 00:18:33,947 I gotta see what's out there. 250 00:18:36,282 --> 00:18:39,077 Gotta see what's out here in the beach. 251 00:18:40,954 --> 00:18:43,414 No, but to date somebody properly, 252 00:18:43,456 --> 00:18:45,416 to have a girlfriend or a boyfriend, 253 00:18:45,458 --> 00:18:47,919 courtship takes time, all right. 254 00:18:47,961 --> 00:18:49,629 That could be like a job. 255 00:18:51,089 --> 00:18:52,757 I bet there's some people here tonight 256 00:18:52,799 --> 00:18:55,009 who are on the clock. 257 00:18:58,054 --> 00:19:01,808 All right, I took this girl on an eight-hour date. 258 00:19:03,393 --> 00:19:05,270 Yeah, that's like a full shift. 259 00:19:08,106 --> 00:19:09,607 I didn't even get a smoke break. 260 00:19:13,194 --> 00:19:14,654 This girl wanted to go out. 261 00:19:14,696 --> 00:19:16,114 She's like, I want to go, she wanted to go to museums. 262 00:19:16,155 --> 00:19:19,200 She's like, I wanna go out, I'd like to see a Monet. 263 00:19:19,242 --> 00:19:22,537 I'm like, I like to stay in and save my MO-NEY. 264 00:19:25,707 --> 00:19:27,792 So I take this girl out, we have a nice lunch 265 00:19:27,834 --> 00:19:30,295 and we went to a museum for four fuckin' hours. 266 00:19:33,089 --> 00:19:35,174 Going to a museum is like, futile. 267 00:19:35,216 --> 00:19:38,303 You gotta look at a bunch of stuff you don't buy. 268 00:19:40,388 --> 00:19:42,515 You can't buy it, and at the end of the date she goes, 269 00:19:42,557 --> 00:19:44,017 okay, all right, thank you, 270 00:19:45,435 --> 00:19:47,812 and she's like, bye. 271 00:19:49,105 --> 00:19:51,649 She went, 272 00:19:52,984 --> 00:19:54,777 Fucking peck, fucking . 273 00:19:59,532 --> 00:20:00,700 Fucking bird, right. 274 00:20:03,369 --> 00:20:05,830 I'm all depressed, I was walking away like, 275 00:20:05,872 --> 00:20:06,706 all right, I'll see ya. 276 00:20:09,876 --> 00:20:11,002 Then she turns around and she's like, 277 00:20:11,044 --> 00:20:13,630 you know, I'm kinda hungry again, 278 00:20:16,424 --> 00:20:18,593 and I'm thinking, oh shit, right. 279 00:20:22,388 --> 00:20:24,474 I'm thinking like, bird wants the worm, right, 280 00:20:34,776 --> 00:20:36,861 and then she's like, she starts going, 281 00:20:36,903 --> 00:20:39,030 so where do you want to eat, and she kept asking, 282 00:20:39,072 --> 00:20:42,408 and I just realize, she just actually wanted food, 283 00:20:45,286 --> 00:20:47,121 and I looked at her and I'm like, oh shit, 284 00:20:47,163 --> 00:20:49,374 I know what she's trying to do, all right. 285 00:20:49,415 --> 00:20:51,376 She's trying to hit me for a second meal. 286 00:20:53,419 --> 00:20:54,921 She's trying to two-for-one me. 287 00:20:57,131 --> 00:20:59,509 She's trying to eat around the feeding schedule. 288 00:21:01,427 --> 00:21:03,137 She's trying to Groupon me. 289 00:21:08,768 --> 00:21:10,436 I knew she was doing it too, 'cause she did that thing 290 00:21:10,478 --> 00:21:12,355 that women do sometimes when they ask you for something, 291 00:21:12,397 --> 00:21:14,607 but they're all scared and sheepish, 292 00:21:14,649 --> 00:21:16,401 and they start sounding like Marge Simpson. 293 00:21:16,442 --> 00:21:21,364 You know, um, I could eat something. 294 00:21:22,240 --> 00:21:23,449 I'm saying, if you wanted 295 00:21:23,491 --> 00:21:24,867 to eat something, I probably could. 296 00:21:24,909 --> 00:21:28,496 I'm saying I'm not that hungry, but if you ate something 297 00:21:28,538 --> 00:21:30,790 I could probably eat it with you. 298 00:21:33,292 --> 00:21:35,128 What food, 299 00:21:37,588 --> 00:21:39,007 but she was hot, you know what I'm saying. 300 00:21:39,048 --> 00:21:40,967 I had to stuff her, right. 301 00:21:44,679 --> 00:21:45,930 You gotta stuff a hottie. 302 00:21:47,849 --> 00:21:49,475 I hate it when you take a hot girl out 303 00:21:49,517 --> 00:21:50,768 and they don't eat anything. 304 00:21:50,810 --> 00:21:52,895 They're like, ooh, I'm gonna have this kale. 305 00:21:55,648 --> 00:21:57,025 I hate that, 'cause at the end of the night 306 00:21:57,066 --> 00:21:57,984 they're all light, 307 00:22:01,154 --> 00:22:02,280 and they can just run away, 308 00:22:05,825 --> 00:22:07,035 like a gazelle. 309 00:22:07,076 --> 00:22:08,786 Okay, bye. 310 00:22:14,375 --> 00:22:16,127 Shit, the freeway already? 311 00:22:21,299 --> 00:22:23,676 That's why I like to carb my hotties up, man. 312 00:22:26,012 --> 00:22:28,139 I carb 'em up so at the end of the night, 313 00:22:28,181 --> 00:22:29,640 they're like a sloth. 314 00:22:35,354 --> 00:22:36,981 They get to my house and they're just like, 315 00:22:37,023 --> 00:22:40,610 oh, God. 316 00:22:42,695 --> 00:22:44,781 Hold on, let's just wait here, okay baby? 317 00:22:47,450 --> 00:22:48,951 Maybe I could sleep here. 318 00:22:56,918 --> 00:22:58,836 Jesus Christ, why am I so hot? 319 00:23:02,215 --> 00:23:04,217 Do you have any Doritos? 320 00:23:12,892 --> 00:23:15,603 'Cause it's all backwards, right? 321 00:23:15,645 --> 00:23:20,483 These guys are out there, these guys who drug women. 322 00:23:20,525 --> 00:23:23,486 That's terrible, I would never do that. 323 00:23:23,528 --> 00:23:25,530 I just hit 'em with the loaf. 324 00:23:28,032 --> 00:23:30,993 You hit 'em with a glu-ton bomb, right. 325 00:23:34,789 --> 00:23:37,625 Puts 'em down, right, that slows you. 326 00:23:39,585 --> 00:23:42,046 Seriously, the dating rituals are backward. 327 00:23:42,088 --> 00:23:43,172 Do you agree with this? 328 00:23:43,214 --> 00:23:46,134 We go out, we have a big meal, 329 00:23:48,511 --> 00:23:51,097 and then we go home and we try to have sex. 330 00:23:52,598 --> 00:23:54,642 Right, like yeah, my first question 331 00:23:54,684 --> 00:23:57,311 is why do we eat before we skeet? 332 00:24:00,398 --> 00:24:02,233 I don't know about you, but nothing makes me feel 333 00:24:02,275 --> 00:24:06,904 less sexy than a big ol' bowl of pasta primavera, 334 00:24:11,367 --> 00:24:15,955 with four cutlets and two pieces of key lime pie. 335 00:24:19,500 --> 00:24:21,919 Okay, that's like a 3,000 calorie roofie, all right. 336 00:24:23,588 --> 00:24:26,174 I'm out by, like, 8:15, 337 00:24:29,468 --> 00:24:31,053 but we do it 'cause you're supposed to, right. 338 00:24:31,095 --> 00:24:33,806 We're romantic, but here's what guys' brains are navigating 339 00:24:33,848 --> 00:24:36,475 in their brain, they're like, hey girl. 340 00:24:36,517 --> 00:24:39,312 Well, why don't we just have a big ol' bowl of primavera 341 00:24:41,314 --> 00:24:44,275 in the bottom of the breadbasket, that's right, 342 00:24:44,317 --> 00:24:45,651 bottom of the breadbasket. 343 00:24:47,612 --> 00:24:49,697 Two bottles of Malbec, that's right, baby. 344 00:24:52,700 --> 00:24:54,952 Well, you know how I'm feeling right now, baby. 345 00:24:54,994 --> 00:24:56,037 That's right. 346 00:24:57,663 --> 00:24:59,457 Uncomfortably full. 347 00:25:01,876 --> 00:25:04,670 Yeah baby, but tonight I'm gonna, 348 00:25:04,712 --> 00:25:07,423 I'm gonna take you back to my place, that's right, 349 00:25:09,258 --> 00:25:13,221 because your place has one of those low-flow toilets, 350 00:25:18,851 --> 00:25:20,686 and that ain't gonna cut it tonight. 351 00:25:23,689 --> 00:25:26,025 There's not enough water pressure, baby. 352 00:25:28,569 --> 00:25:31,697 Yeah baby, you're gonna get me naked. 353 00:25:33,115 --> 00:25:37,828 I'm gonna squeeze, I'm gonna squeeze me a two, that's right, 354 00:25:39,789 --> 00:25:43,042 and I'm gonna try to hold in that fart, 355 00:25:44,293 --> 00:25:46,379 and I hope you hold in your fart too, 356 00:25:48,464 --> 00:25:50,841 'cause I saw you eat a lot of mozzarella sticks, 357 00:25:53,719 --> 00:25:55,680 and I know you're lactose intolerant. 358 00:25:59,350 --> 00:26:02,728 That's right, baby, you want it, my baby. 359 00:26:05,815 --> 00:26:08,818 Baby, let me put my food baby on your baby. 360 00:26:11,070 --> 00:26:14,323 Ooh baby, feel daddy's food baby, baby. 361 00:26:15,574 --> 00:26:17,368 Ooh, food baby on baby. 362 00:26:40,850 --> 00:26:42,101 I'm sorry, baby. 363 00:26:45,271 --> 00:26:46,772 Daddy's catching a nap. 364 00:26:50,818 --> 00:26:51,652 Right? 365 00:26:52,737 --> 00:26:54,363 These damn skinny jeans. 366 00:27:02,455 --> 00:27:04,749 So anyway, I'm back on the, I'm sitting on the couch 367 00:27:04,790 --> 00:27:07,626 with my beautiful sloth. 368 00:27:12,089 --> 00:27:16,427 I'm giving her a little pita bread, I'm giving her a little. 369 00:27:16,469 --> 00:27:19,388 Food is sexual, right, so I'm trying to get her in the mood 370 00:27:19,430 --> 00:27:22,016 with a little, some carbs, you know, just a little, 371 00:27:23,267 --> 00:27:25,978 num num, , num num, , 372 00:27:28,105 --> 00:27:32,193 and she's a bigger, she's a bigger, she's thick. 373 00:27:33,277 --> 00:27:34,653 Am I allowed to say that? 374 00:27:34,695 --> 00:27:37,114 She's T-H-I-C-C-C. 375 00:27:39,033 --> 00:27:40,951 We start kissin' a little bit, , 376 00:27:42,745 --> 00:27:45,956 a little intimate, and I reach over, 377 00:27:45,998 --> 00:27:48,084 and I try to get a little tit. 378 00:27:50,419 --> 00:27:55,424 I'm in my 40s, I'm trying to get tit. 379 00:28:03,474 --> 00:28:05,684 I own multiple properties. 380 00:28:08,187 --> 00:28:09,897 I am trying to get tit. 381 00:28:12,483 --> 00:28:14,735 I'm in negotiations for Tremors 7. 382 00:28:18,864 --> 00:28:19,698 Tit! 383 00:28:21,409 --> 00:28:23,327 I'm the firstborn son of two of Hollywood's 384 00:28:23,369 --> 00:28:24,870 most gorgeous men. 385 00:28:29,875 --> 00:28:31,502 That took you a minute for that joke, you were, 386 00:28:34,296 --> 00:28:35,714 and then she goes like this, 387 00:28:35,756 --> 00:28:38,050 she goes hey hey hey, whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa. 388 00:28:39,593 --> 00:28:41,178 She goes, I don't know you that well. 389 00:28:42,096 --> 00:28:44,723 I was like, you got Google? 390 00:28:48,060 --> 00:28:49,520 Type it in, I'll wait. 391 00:28:49,562 --> 00:28:50,396 What the? 392 00:28:54,817 --> 00:28:56,444 Then she's like, I don't even know your middle name. 393 00:28:56,485 --> 00:28:59,155 I'm like, Alexa! 394 00:29:02,783 --> 00:29:04,201 Tell her everything. 395 00:29:12,668 --> 00:29:16,172 Women can't use that excuse anymore, right. 396 00:29:16,213 --> 00:29:17,214 I don't know you that well. 397 00:29:17,256 --> 00:29:18,174 Oh really? 398 00:29:18,215 --> 00:29:19,633 The internet does, there! 399 00:29:22,261 --> 00:29:23,387 Now take your top off. 400 00:29:25,890 --> 00:29:26,765 Okay, okay. 401 00:29:28,726 --> 00:29:30,186 Might cut that one out, 402 00:29:36,192 --> 00:29:37,359 and then she goes like this, this is weird. 403 00:29:37,401 --> 00:29:39,153 She had a sweater on, beautiful breasts, 404 00:29:39,195 --> 00:29:41,280 little bit of cleavage, and she pushed it together, 405 00:29:42,281 --> 00:29:43,782 and she goes, you want these? 406 00:29:48,787 --> 00:29:51,290 I said, of course I want those, what the? 407 00:29:51,332 --> 00:29:52,833 Why do you think my pantry's empty? 408 00:29:52,875 --> 00:29:54,919 What are you talking about? 409 00:29:55,920 --> 00:29:57,338 I got to go to Trader Joe's. 410 00:29:59,465 --> 00:30:01,884 That's a weird thing to do, right? 411 00:30:03,093 --> 00:30:04,929 Do that, what sort of a guy did that? 412 00:30:04,970 --> 00:30:07,556 Hey, you want these? 413 00:30:16,815 --> 00:30:21,195 I'd be arrested so fast in this climate. 414 00:30:22,321 --> 00:30:23,572 I'd be on TMZ. 415 00:30:23,614 --> 00:30:28,452 We've got Jamie Kennedy down in a bowling alley 416 00:30:28,494 --> 00:30:33,499 in Huntington Beach, walking around touching his nuts, 417 00:30:36,502 --> 00:30:38,629 asking people, where's the nearest Panera? 418 00:30:42,174 --> 00:30:44,176 You go, Jamie Kennedy. 419 00:30:47,930 --> 00:30:49,765 I'd be fuckin' cooked, 420 00:30:54,019 --> 00:30:56,897 but then she's like, she goes like this. 421 00:30:56,939 --> 00:30:57,773 She goes no! 422 00:31:00,192 --> 00:31:02,194 No, you're gonna have to earn it. 423 00:31:03,362 --> 00:31:04,780 Earn it? 424 00:31:04,822 --> 00:31:06,448 Like it was currency, 425 00:31:08,826 --> 00:31:10,327 like it was Titcoin. 426 00:31:17,209 --> 00:31:18,586 That's why men and women have issues, 427 00:31:18,627 --> 00:31:19,962 'cause we're so different. 428 00:31:20,004 --> 00:31:21,422 Guys don't think like that. 429 00:31:21,463 --> 00:31:24,133 If you touch a guy, if a guy's got a raging hard-on, 430 00:31:26,218 --> 00:31:28,971 and you reach over and grab it, no guy's gonna be like, hey! 431 00:31:36,729 --> 00:31:39,315 You get your Goddamn hands off me. 432 00:31:48,073 --> 00:31:50,951 I don't even know your middle name. 433 00:31:54,496 --> 00:31:56,165 I just met you eight hours ago. 434 00:31:56,206 --> 00:31:59,877 You think this would feel good in your mouth? 435 00:31:59,918 --> 00:32:00,753 No! 436 00:32:03,589 --> 00:32:04,882 I'm gonna have to earn it. 437 00:32:08,093 --> 00:32:08,927 I bless you. 438 00:32:12,181 --> 00:32:13,015 No, right. 439 00:32:14,141 --> 00:32:15,976 No, dudes are like, free tasting! 440 00:32:18,771 --> 00:32:20,272 New coupon day! 441 00:32:23,275 --> 00:32:25,277 Friends and family plan! 442 00:32:27,237 --> 00:32:29,865 Giant liquidation sale! 443 00:32:32,034 --> 00:32:33,619 Everything must go! 444 00:32:37,581 --> 00:32:39,625 Clearing the Goddamn shelves. 445 00:32:48,759 --> 00:32:50,427 Guys, I told you this date was eight hours. 446 00:32:50,469 --> 00:32:51,303 So is this joke. 447 00:33:02,731 --> 00:33:05,109 It's not even remotely done. 448 00:33:08,278 --> 00:33:09,613 So I'm sittin' with her, right. 449 00:33:09,655 --> 00:33:11,699 I'm like, well, 450 00:33:13,200 --> 00:33:14,993 what do you wanna do? 451 00:33:15,035 --> 00:33:17,538 She's like, well I like to get to know you. 452 00:33:18,747 --> 00:33:19,790 Right, right? 453 00:33:20,999 --> 00:33:21,959 I'm like, how you wanna do that. 454 00:33:22,000 --> 00:33:23,919 She's like, I like to talk. 455 00:33:27,297 --> 00:33:28,340 Oh, fuck. 456 00:33:30,551 --> 00:33:32,177 She's trying to talk-block me. 457 00:33:32,219 --> 00:33:37,224 Right, fuckin' 2:30 a.m. and she wants to have orientation. 458 00:33:44,773 --> 00:33:47,109 Talk, talk should be like an infomercial product. 459 00:33:47,151 --> 00:33:51,864 If you want to take a guy's raging boner down, talk. 460 00:33:54,867 --> 00:33:57,035 Take the, should be an infomercial product 461 00:33:57,077 --> 00:34:00,706 that you don't need, so essentially an infomercial, so. 462 00:34:02,875 --> 00:34:05,586 It should be, just some woman's out there, hey ladies. 463 00:34:06,628 --> 00:34:08,589 Tired of that pesky hard-on? 464 00:34:10,382 --> 00:34:11,884 Well, hard-on be gone! 465 00:34:14,094 --> 00:34:16,096 Spray a can of Talk at it, that's right. 466 00:34:17,556 --> 00:34:20,559 Tell him your hopes, blah blah, your dreams, blah blah, 467 00:34:20,601 --> 00:34:23,395 your rescue cat's name, blah blah blah. 468 00:34:25,481 --> 00:34:27,483 Take that erection into a different direction. 469 00:34:32,613 --> 00:34:34,948 Make him shrivel with that drivel. 470 00:34:37,284 --> 00:34:38,494 The only thing he'll be getting 471 00:34:38,535 --> 00:34:40,329 deep tonight is conversation. 472 00:34:43,874 --> 00:34:45,042 Brought to you from the makers 473 00:34:45,083 --> 00:34:47,127 of Not Tonight, I Have a Headache, 474 00:34:50,798 --> 00:34:53,425 but she wanted to talk so it's like, I gotta listen. 475 00:34:54,760 --> 00:34:55,761 I gotta listen. 476 00:34:57,596 --> 00:35:01,141 So I was like, okay, so she starts talking. 477 00:35:03,727 --> 00:35:06,855 It's 2:30 a.m. and she starts talking a lot. 478 00:35:06,897 --> 00:35:09,525 You have that nervous energy like the sack's energy 479 00:35:09,566 --> 00:35:11,109 turned into the talk energy. 480 00:35:12,402 --> 00:35:14,112 Now she's like, well then, 481 00:35:14,154 --> 00:35:15,989 my father bought a Prius and my mother became a lesbian 482 00:35:16,031 --> 00:35:18,450 and my dog became a cat and then I realized I had celiac 483 00:35:18,492 --> 00:35:22,788 and, and then she starts fuckin', just keeps goin'. 484 00:35:22,830 --> 00:35:27,793 You gotta, 485 00:35:36,009 --> 00:35:38,303 She did, she turned into the fucking bird I met, 486 00:35:40,138 --> 00:35:44,434 and I'm like hey, hey, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. 487 00:35:44,476 --> 00:35:46,144 I go, I don't know you that well. 488 00:35:58,365 --> 00:36:01,952 I said, you can't tell me all this. 489 00:36:01,994 --> 00:36:05,455 She goes, well, how 'bout you listen? 490 00:36:09,668 --> 00:36:10,586 I'm like, you do? 491 00:36:10,627 --> 00:36:12,838 She's like, yeah! 492 00:36:12,880 --> 00:36:16,925 And I realized at that moment my ears were valuable. 493 00:36:18,218 --> 00:36:19,344 My ears were like tits, 494 00:36:22,806 --> 00:36:24,641 and I was like, unh unh. 495 00:36:24,683 --> 00:36:26,101 You gotta earn it. 496 00:36:38,614 --> 00:36:40,532 I understand women have to hold it back. 497 00:36:40,574 --> 00:36:42,826 You have to hold back the coochie. 498 00:36:45,037 --> 00:36:48,040 Women hold back the coochie 'cause they don't want 499 00:36:48,081 --> 00:36:50,959 to make it all about the coochie, 500 00:36:53,170 --> 00:36:56,048 but by holding back the coochie, 501 00:36:57,507 --> 00:37:00,510 aren't you making it all about the coochie? 502 00:37:03,680 --> 00:37:06,224 Isn't that like pumpkin spice latte season? 503 00:37:06,266 --> 00:37:07,392 We know it's coming. 504 00:37:09,728 --> 00:37:11,229 We can't wait for it. 505 00:37:15,567 --> 00:37:16,944 A lot of women say, I can't have sex 506 00:37:16,985 --> 00:37:18,528 with somebody the first night. 507 00:37:18,570 --> 00:37:20,906 I can't have sex with a guy on the first night. 508 00:37:23,200 --> 00:37:24,826 He'll never call me again. 509 00:37:25,994 --> 00:37:27,204 Like, who told you that? 510 00:37:28,413 --> 00:37:29,873 Another woman? 511 00:37:33,585 --> 00:37:38,590 If a guy, if you go to Vegas and a guy plays a slot machine, 512 00:37:39,758 --> 00:37:41,134 and he pulls a lever and he hits, 513 00:37:43,095 --> 00:37:45,222 he's gonna go back to that slot. 514 00:37:48,392 --> 00:37:50,102 That's a lucky slot. 515 00:37:53,522 --> 00:37:55,232 Mike, edit that part out, 516 00:38:01,613 --> 00:38:05,242 but guys never go, oh my God, we went out one night. 517 00:38:05,283 --> 00:38:07,035 No guy, what guy do you know that's like, 518 00:38:07,077 --> 00:38:08,870 oh my God, we had a wonderful date. 519 00:38:08,912 --> 00:38:13,125 We had a big dinner, we went out and had great conversation, 520 00:38:14,459 --> 00:38:15,669 we fucked all night. 521 00:38:17,421 --> 00:38:19,089 I hate the bitch! 522 00:38:20,924 --> 00:38:23,093 She made it so easy, what a bitch! 523 00:38:28,140 --> 00:38:30,475 Technology's ruining romance, though, right? 524 00:38:31,727 --> 00:38:32,728 You agree with that? 525 00:38:34,146 --> 00:38:37,983 Like right now, if a guy is remotely interested in a woman, 526 00:38:39,151 --> 00:38:40,193 one of the first things a guy does 527 00:38:40,235 --> 00:38:42,863 is he sends the girl a dick pic. 528 00:38:44,489 --> 00:38:46,867 Like, dick pics are the new roses. 529 00:38:49,536 --> 00:38:51,872 Guys are out there sending a dozen fresh dicks. 530 00:38:54,833 --> 00:38:56,793 Do they even think the women like that? 531 00:38:58,336 --> 00:38:59,212 Do they think the women are like, 532 00:38:59,254 --> 00:39:00,922 oh my God, that is so sweet? 533 00:39:04,176 --> 00:39:06,219 It's a shame they're not long-stem, but. 534 00:39:10,265 --> 00:39:11,641 Guys are so desperate. 535 00:39:12,934 --> 00:39:14,478 We're desperate animals. 536 00:39:14,519 --> 00:39:18,106 We're so desperate that we put our dick in the phone. 537 00:39:19,691 --> 00:39:21,318 Put our dick in the telephone. 538 00:39:21,359 --> 00:39:23,195 You think Alexander Graham Bell, 539 00:39:26,948 --> 00:39:29,409 do you think when he invented this thing, 540 00:39:29,451 --> 00:39:31,369 you think he had any idea, 541 00:39:32,621 --> 00:39:34,498 it was gonna be used for this? 542 00:39:36,666 --> 00:39:38,001 You think he tested it for that? 543 00:39:38,043 --> 00:39:39,628 He was like, he's with Mr. Watson. 544 00:39:39,669 --> 00:39:40,462 Mr. Bell? 545 00:39:40,504 --> 00:39:42,089 Yes, this is Mr. Watson. 546 00:39:42,130 --> 00:39:44,174 This is the first phone call in the history of mankind. 547 00:39:44,216 --> 00:39:47,511 We can talk to anyone, call tribes in Timbuktu. 548 00:39:47,552 --> 00:39:49,012 That's excellent, Mr. Watson. 549 00:39:49,054 --> 00:39:51,056 Yes, yes I can hear you, chap. 550 00:39:53,725 --> 00:39:55,102 Clarity is fine, yeah. 551 00:39:56,520 --> 00:40:00,899 Just one question, how do I fit my dick through this thing? 552 00:40:07,489 --> 00:40:09,825 We must make the base wider. 553 00:40:13,787 --> 00:40:16,790 I think guys were so desperate they were sending 554 00:40:16,832 --> 00:40:19,084 dick pics before the phone. 555 00:40:20,502 --> 00:40:22,546 I think they were probably sending dick telegrams. 556 00:40:23,755 --> 00:40:26,383 Guys are out there talking in Morse chode. 557 00:40:29,302 --> 00:40:30,595 We're getting a telegram, sir. 558 00:40:30,637 --> 00:40:31,555 What does it say? 559 00:40:31,596 --> 00:40:33,890 Dick. 560 00:40:36,768 --> 00:40:39,104 End of telegram, sir. 561 00:40:39,146 --> 00:40:42,023 I bet guys were doing it before that though, seriously. 562 00:40:42,065 --> 00:40:44,693 Don't you think guys were probably sending dick paintings? 563 00:40:47,445 --> 00:40:50,157 Like in the 1300s, the Renaissance. 564 00:40:50,198 --> 00:40:52,284 Some English guy's out there with his little assistant, 565 00:40:52,325 --> 00:40:53,660 his little serf, he's doing a painting. 566 00:40:53,702 --> 00:40:57,914 It's like, look at the beautiful shaft, yes. 567 00:40:59,249 --> 00:41:03,795 Look at the color, yes, and look at the texture. 568 00:41:05,547 --> 00:41:07,299 Look at the size of the cap. 569 00:41:11,094 --> 00:41:13,763 That is most excellent work, sire, yes. 570 00:41:15,015 --> 00:41:17,976 Who on Earth do you intend this for? 571 00:41:19,227 --> 00:41:21,563 I am going to give it to Princess Stephanie. 572 00:41:23,815 --> 00:41:26,318 I shall leave it outside her window at two a.m. 573 00:41:29,821 --> 00:41:31,990 I call it You Up? 574 00:41:42,292 --> 00:41:43,585 And then you got these fairy tales and they're like 575 00:41:43,627 --> 00:41:47,422 emotional porn for women. 576 00:41:48,924 --> 00:41:50,508 Fairy tales, right. 577 00:41:51,968 --> 00:41:54,262 Fairy tales teach women that guys are different, like me. 578 00:41:55,764 --> 00:41:58,058 I think a lot of women just think of guys as like, 579 00:41:58,099 --> 00:41:59,559 a perfect porn for a woman in her eyes 580 00:41:59,601 --> 00:42:00,727 would just be a guy who's all built, 581 00:42:00,769 --> 00:42:03,772 and is like, all right, skimmed your pool. 582 00:42:06,191 --> 00:42:08,652 How 'bout those hedges, need those trimmed? 583 00:42:13,490 --> 00:42:15,492 And the woman's just like, nanananana. 584 00:42:17,202 --> 00:42:19,454 You worked so hard today, you're all sweaty. 585 00:42:22,207 --> 00:42:25,293 Plus, my husband's not even here and I have no way to pay. 586 00:42:37,430 --> 00:42:39,099 I'm just stretching. 587 00:42:41,893 --> 00:42:45,939 I'm in my 40s, my back. 588 00:42:49,484 --> 00:42:52,237 Women think the guy's gonna be like, oh you wanna pay me? 589 00:42:52,279 --> 00:42:53,738 Oh yeah, I'll show you how you can pay me, all right, yeah. 590 00:42:56,241 --> 00:42:59,035 You can pay me by sitting down right there 591 00:42:59,077 --> 00:43:02,455 and you can start telling me all about your day. 592 00:43:16,511 --> 00:43:19,723 Oh, you had two returns at Nordstrom's? 593 00:43:21,016 --> 00:43:23,059 That's so fucking hot. 594 00:43:24,561 --> 00:43:27,605 Someone took your parking space at Whole Foods? 595 00:43:30,108 --> 00:43:31,109 Keep going, baby, 596 00:43:38,950 --> 00:43:42,078 and fairy tales, they teach you to find Prince Charming. 597 00:43:42,120 --> 00:43:44,164 You get this guy, right, Prince Charming. 598 00:43:44,205 --> 00:43:46,750 Prince Charming, he's the perfect man, he's got 599 00:43:46,791 --> 00:43:51,087 the perfect hair, perfect smile, the perfect shirt. 600 00:43:52,255 --> 00:43:53,923 Like, Prince Charming's a little too perfect. 601 00:43:53,965 --> 00:43:55,550 I'm not saying he doesn't exist. 602 00:43:55,592 --> 00:44:00,597 He does, but he is not looking for you, 603 00:44:05,101 --> 00:44:08,229 'cause he is out there looking for his own Prince Charming. 604 00:44:10,607 --> 00:44:14,110 Prince Charming's as gay as a bag of Skittles, am I right? 605 00:44:18,531 --> 00:44:20,909 He sucks the rainbow, all right? 606 00:44:23,578 --> 00:44:26,122 Go and test my theory if you don't believe me. 607 00:44:26,164 --> 00:44:27,540 All right, like Cinderella's a story about a guy, 608 00:44:27,582 --> 00:44:30,460 Prince Charming, who chases a girl for three days 609 00:44:30,502 --> 00:44:32,796 to give her a shoe. 610 00:44:35,507 --> 00:44:36,966 That's gay. 611 00:44:39,260 --> 00:44:41,179 Call your boyfriend the next time you lose a shoe. 612 00:44:41,221 --> 00:44:42,138 Test my theory. 613 00:44:42,180 --> 00:44:44,015 Boyfriend is gonna be like, hey. 614 00:44:44,057 --> 00:44:45,183 What up babe, huh? 615 00:44:46,017 --> 00:44:47,894 You lost your shoe? 616 00:44:50,271 --> 00:44:51,606 It was a Jimmy Choo? 617 00:44:53,191 --> 00:44:54,025 Who? 618 00:44:55,693 --> 00:44:57,654 Jimmy Choo's a shoe? 619 00:45:00,532 --> 00:45:02,700 Well, just go to Target, get two for $8, what? 620 00:45:06,371 --> 00:45:08,164 Go to Sears, they're bankrupt. 621 00:45:08,206 --> 00:45:09,332 Get four for $8, what? 622 00:45:11,668 --> 00:45:12,794 Babe, don't make me come over there. 623 00:45:12,836 --> 00:45:14,921 I just had a burrito and I. 624 00:45:17,132 --> 00:45:18,550 I'm feelin' gaseous. 625 00:45:23,721 --> 00:45:26,516 I bet if you lost your shoe in front of your gay friend 626 00:45:26,558 --> 00:45:27,600 he'd be like, what! 627 00:45:30,812 --> 00:45:31,688 Hold on. 628 00:45:31,729 --> 00:45:33,523 Daniel, Jeffrey, get the van, 629 00:45:35,942 --> 00:45:39,028 and get the CSI swab kit and the magnifying glass. 630 00:45:39,070 --> 00:45:40,113 Where? 631 00:45:42,490 --> 00:45:44,200 We'll be there in five. 632 00:45:46,369 --> 00:45:47,454 We're gonna find this shoe 633 00:45:47,495 --> 00:45:49,372 before the next episode of The Bachelor. 634 00:45:52,083 --> 00:45:54,210 I love hip hop man, it raised me. 635 00:45:55,587 --> 00:45:57,380 I can't listen to rap music anymore. 636 00:45:57,422 --> 00:45:59,007 It's got too many N-words in it. 637 00:46:00,049 --> 00:46:02,218 See how uncomfortable that's like? 638 00:46:04,471 --> 00:46:06,389 Nair wants to know where this is going. 639 00:46:08,433 --> 00:46:10,268 I do, any other white guy does 640 00:46:10,310 --> 00:46:12,479 that part of the song comes on. 641 00:46:13,438 --> 00:46:14,606 I shut my mouth immediately. 642 00:46:15,857 --> 00:46:16,816 You know what I'm saying? 643 00:46:16,858 --> 00:46:18,109 Right, you're in the shower, bro. 644 00:46:18,151 --> 00:46:20,069 You got Biggie on Spotify, 645 00:46:20,111 --> 00:46:22,780 and that one part of the song comes on. 646 00:46:30,038 --> 00:46:31,623 I ain't saying shit! 647 00:46:33,500 --> 00:46:35,418 There could be a camera in the loofah. 648 00:46:39,297 --> 00:46:42,592 I wanna find replacement words for that part of the song. 649 00:46:56,314 --> 00:46:57,899 See, nickel got a little weird, right. 650 00:46:57,941 --> 00:47:00,944 Nair is like, where you going with this, baby? 651 00:47:09,619 --> 00:47:12,330 Rappers never die of natural causes. 652 00:47:16,000 --> 00:47:17,585 Isn't that twisted? 653 00:47:19,754 --> 00:47:20,672 They don't, right. 654 00:47:22,715 --> 00:47:24,801 They get killed, right. 655 00:47:24,842 --> 00:47:26,469 That doesn't happen in other forms of music. 656 00:47:26,511 --> 00:47:28,680 That doesn't happen in folk music. 657 00:47:30,431 --> 00:47:34,018 No members of Mumford & Sons is suddenly gonna get got. 658 00:47:40,233 --> 00:47:41,025 Not gonna, 659 00:47:43,695 --> 00:47:44,904 what'd I tell you? 660 00:47:44,946 --> 00:47:46,656 Oh, it's on, ya dirty leprechaun. 661 00:47:48,199 --> 00:47:50,201 Fuck you, ya piece of shite! 662 00:47:51,703 --> 00:47:53,830 You stole me shillelagh. 663 00:47:55,957 --> 00:47:58,293 Rappers get killed, all right. 664 00:47:58,334 --> 00:48:02,130 Biggie got shot, Tupac got shot. 665 00:48:02,171 --> 00:48:03,756 They never die of natural causes. 666 00:48:06,301 --> 00:48:08,261 You never see on the news, 667 00:48:08,303 --> 00:48:10,888 and in news today, rapper Gucci Mane died today 668 00:48:12,557 --> 00:48:15,018 after a lengthy battle with heart disease. 669 00:48:17,604 --> 00:48:18,771 He was 74. 670 00:48:20,732 --> 00:48:22,483 He is survived by all his . 671 00:48:31,576 --> 00:48:34,287 I, I appreciate you guys letting me do some jokes 672 00:48:34,329 --> 00:48:35,580 and not be offended. 673 00:48:37,415 --> 00:48:41,169 People get offended at jokes now. 674 00:48:41,210 --> 00:48:43,087 People say I can't do certain jokes no more. 675 00:48:44,589 --> 00:48:46,883 I'm a white male in my 40s, it's not a good time for us. 676 00:48:51,387 --> 00:48:53,973 Look at this guy shaking his head, poor bastard. 677 00:48:55,141 --> 00:48:56,434 We had a good run, though. 678 00:48:56,476 --> 00:48:57,894 We had a nice run. 679 00:48:59,604 --> 00:49:01,272 I'll see you at the box, you know, 680 00:49:03,691 --> 00:49:07,236 but people get all hurt about jokes. 681 00:49:07,278 --> 00:49:10,907 I just wanna say, any minority, any person of color, 682 00:49:10,948 --> 00:49:13,868 any person who feels marginalized at all, 683 00:49:13,910 --> 00:49:15,328 that's what I say, should have the right 684 00:49:15,370 --> 00:49:17,747 to go up to any white person at any time and just go, 685 00:49:17,789 --> 00:49:21,084 Hey, fuck you! 686 00:49:23,419 --> 00:49:24,587 And if the white person is cool, 687 00:49:24,629 --> 00:49:26,255 they'll be like yeah, sorry about that. 688 00:49:29,634 --> 00:49:30,551 I'm sorry, I'm sorry. 689 00:49:30,593 --> 00:49:31,427 I am, though, 690 00:49:33,304 --> 00:49:35,264 but people say offensive stuff all the time. 691 00:49:35,306 --> 00:49:37,642 We all say offensive stuff and get away with it. 692 00:49:37,684 --> 00:49:39,602 A couple of years ago, if a black guy 693 00:49:39,644 --> 00:49:42,897 wanted to give another black guy a compliment, 694 00:49:42,939 --> 00:49:45,358 and he didn't want people to think they were gay, 695 00:49:45,400 --> 00:49:48,361 they always ended the phrase with, no homo, 696 00:49:52,407 --> 00:49:53,616 at the end. 697 00:49:53,658 --> 00:49:54,784 Dude be like, yo, man, you workin' out, man? 698 00:49:54,826 --> 00:49:56,994 Yeah, yo homes looking kinda big, man. 699 00:49:58,246 --> 00:49:59,414 Could wrap a motherfucker up at night, 700 00:49:59,455 --> 00:50:02,625 make sure those bedbugs don't bite. 701 00:50:04,544 --> 00:50:08,965 No homo, know what I'm sayin', no homo. 702 00:50:09,006 --> 00:50:10,133 What you usin' on your skin, man? 703 00:50:10,174 --> 00:50:12,802 That shit looks smooth, man. 704 00:50:12,844 --> 00:50:14,095 Looks like Rihanna's buttcheeks and shit, 705 00:50:14,137 --> 00:50:15,555 know what I'm sayin'? 706 00:50:16,848 --> 00:50:19,767 Smell tropical too, know what I'm sayin'? 707 00:50:19,809 --> 00:50:21,811 No homo, you know what I'm sayin'? 708 00:50:24,105 --> 00:50:26,482 I'm not gay or nothin', I'm just saying you're looking good, 709 00:50:26,524 --> 00:50:28,526 you know what I'm sayin'? 710 00:50:28,568 --> 00:50:31,279 Your lips is looking juicy, son, you know what I'm sayin'? 711 00:50:32,822 --> 00:50:34,073 Dude, you watch that Matthew McConaughey-Bradley Cooper 712 00:50:34,115 --> 00:50:35,700 rape movie last night? 713 00:50:38,161 --> 00:50:39,495 No homo, know what I'm sayin'? 714 00:50:39,537 --> 00:50:40,371 I'm just sayin'. 715 00:50:41,914 --> 00:50:43,458 I'm saying if you wanna reenact that shit, we could. 716 00:50:43,499 --> 00:50:45,251 I'm just sayin'. 717 00:50:46,335 --> 00:50:47,170 No homo, 718 00:50:49,130 --> 00:50:52,091 but that is offensive, no homo is offensive. 719 00:50:52,133 --> 00:50:54,427 That's offensive to our gay friends. 720 00:50:54,469 --> 00:50:56,095 Why does that phrase get a pass? 721 00:50:56,137 --> 00:50:59,098 Imagine if I did that, what if I had a weird phrase? 722 00:50:59,140 --> 00:51:02,185 I was just out like, yo, I just said 18 cents 723 00:51:02,226 --> 00:51:04,270 on a cup of coffee, no Hebro. 724 00:51:07,732 --> 00:51:10,276 Hey, today I did my own gardening, no Pedro. 725 00:51:13,404 --> 00:51:15,907 Hey girl, let me get that BJ, no teeth-though. 726 00:51:29,003 --> 00:51:30,213 I think gays should take the phrase back 727 00:51:30,254 --> 00:51:31,506 and make it their own. 728 00:51:31,547 --> 00:51:32,965 Just be like, hi waitress, can I have 729 00:51:33,007 --> 00:51:34,842 a Diet Coke with a pink straw? 730 00:51:34,884 --> 00:51:36,385 So homo. 731 00:51:40,264 --> 00:51:42,225 There's Vincent, yo homo! 732 00:51:45,311 --> 00:51:46,395 Guys, I think I'm missing out. 733 00:51:46,437 --> 00:51:47,939 I think I wanna try pussy. 734 00:51:47,980 --> 00:51:49,232 No homo! 735 00:51:53,569 --> 00:51:54,403 No homo. 736 00:51:58,574 --> 00:52:01,786 Now you go home, homo, and you blowjob. 737 00:52:06,082 --> 00:52:06,916 I'm kidding, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. 738 00:52:12,505 --> 00:52:17,468 People worry about like, racism, classism, sexism. 739 00:52:18,845 --> 00:52:20,638 I understand, we've gotta work on all that stuff, right, 740 00:52:20,680 --> 00:52:23,140 but I don't think people talk about, enough, 741 00:52:23,182 --> 00:52:25,226 I don't think people talk enough about the real problem 742 00:52:25,268 --> 00:52:28,938 which is coming, which is roboticism. 743 00:52:36,612 --> 00:52:38,239 Robots are coming, all right. 744 00:52:38,281 --> 00:52:40,616 I mean, fuck, robots are already here. 745 00:52:42,910 --> 00:52:44,537 I'm sorry, Uber drivers. 746 00:52:46,998 --> 00:52:49,667 Robots have a way better sense of direction, 747 00:52:49,709 --> 00:52:51,168 and they won't talk to me awkwardly 748 00:52:51,210 --> 00:52:53,462 about their families back in Armenia. 749 00:52:56,716 --> 00:52:58,718 My friend, where do you go? 750 00:53:00,344 --> 00:53:01,721 Shut the fuck app. 751 00:53:04,015 --> 00:53:05,850 That's what I tell 'em. 752 00:53:05,892 --> 00:53:06,809 I'm sorry, doctors. 753 00:53:06,851 --> 00:53:09,020 Robots are coming for you too. 754 00:53:09,061 --> 00:53:11,856 Who do you think I'd rather have my balls held by, 755 00:53:16,193 --> 00:53:18,112 an old Jewish guy who holds 10 pairs a day 756 00:53:18,154 --> 00:53:19,488 for the last 30 years, 757 00:53:20,990 --> 00:53:21,866 and likes to make small talk 758 00:53:21,908 --> 00:53:23,951 as he's looking for my prostate. 759 00:53:25,453 --> 00:53:26,454 Hey, what are you doing? 760 00:53:26,495 --> 00:53:27,663 What have you been up to? 761 00:53:27,705 --> 00:53:28,623 Haven't seen you in a while, what are you, 762 00:53:28,664 --> 00:53:30,082 in that new movie Tremors? 763 00:53:32,043 --> 00:53:33,711 Something about giant worms or something? 764 00:53:34,754 --> 00:53:36,547 I'm like, Graboids. 765 00:53:36,589 --> 00:53:37,798 Graboids? 766 00:53:37,840 --> 00:53:39,508 I gotta Graboid your balls, come here. 767 00:53:41,844 --> 00:53:42,678 Breathe. 768 00:53:43,930 --> 00:53:45,181 You think I'd rather have that, 769 00:53:45,222 --> 00:53:48,225 or the smooth, silky hand of an android, 770 00:53:50,061 --> 00:53:52,188 all right, with automatic ball warmers? 771 00:53:54,982 --> 00:53:58,945 Dick, James. 772 00:54:04,742 --> 00:54:06,911 Your balls are clear. 773 00:54:11,624 --> 00:54:13,709 I gotta go with Skynet on that one. 774 00:54:20,633 --> 00:54:23,135 Robots are coming, man, and one good thing is 775 00:54:23,177 --> 00:54:25,012 is this is going to be very efficient 776 00:54:26,472 --> 00:54:28,140 and I also think that robots are gonna bring us together 777 00:54:28,182 --> 00:54:30,309 as humans because all of us 778 00:54:30,351 --> 00:54:33,729 are banding together, all races and sexualities, 779 00:54:34,855 --> 00:54:37,441 and they're gonna be the new racist targets. 780 00:54:39,902 --> 00:54:42,738 Right, you see truck drivers, I saw these truck drivers 781 00:54:42,780 --> 00:54:44,657 looking at a driverless truck, right. 782 00:54:44,699 --> 00:54:46,075 I watched them, I was looking at it, 783 00:54:46,117 --> 00:54:47,284 and they were just talking, 784 00:54:47,326 --> 00:54:48,244 I imagine what they were saying, just like, 785 00:54:48,285 --> 00:54:50,746 look at this Goddamn rustback. 786 00:54:54,917 --> 00:54:56,502 I say we take 'em apart and ship him back 787 00:54:56,544 --> 00:54:58,337 to the factory they came from! 788 00:55:00,339 --> 00:55:02,717 You're made in China, you go work in China! 789 00:55:04,927 --> 00:55:07,304 Flesh and bone before chrome! 790 00:55:11,308 --> 00:55:12,977 I went to IHOP the other day. 791 00:55:13,019 --> 00:55:16,105 Half the menu's in English, the other half's in binary code. 792 00:55:19,859 --> 00:55:20,985 You hear about Valerie? 793 00:55:21,027 --> 00:55:23,070 Her little daughter's dating a robot. 794 00:55:24,989 --> 00:55:26,532 Gonna have some kids. 795 00:55:26,574 --> 00:55:28,784 Probably have a bunch of metal-lattos. 796 00:55:32,621 --> 00:55:34,040 The other thing is that women, 797 00:55:34,081 --> 00:55:35,583 you guys have known about this for a long time. 798 00:55:35,624 --> 00:55:38,044 You're smarter than men, you're well thought out. 799 00:55:38,085 --> 00:55:39,503 All right, you plan. 800 00:55:39,545 --> 00:55:43,924 You've known about this robotic invasion for years, 801 00:55:43,966 --> 00:55:48,012 'cause every woman in this room, in her top dresser drawer, 802 00:55:51,807 --> 00:55:56,062 is a little, vibrating, shiny, wiggly robot. 803 00:55:57,563 --> 00:56:01,025 It lights up, swivels, 804 00:56:03,903 --> 00:56:05,821 and it may or may not have Wi-Fi. 805 00:56:09,366 --> 00:56:12,203 You give it cute little names like Matthew McCumaghey, 806 00:56:13,788 --> 00:56:17,917 Robert Downlow, Jr., Drake. 807 00:56:20,377 --> 00:56:21,962 That thing has been doing men's jobs 808 00:56:22,004 --> 00:56:23,631 for decades, you agree with that? 809 00:56:26,050 --> 00:56:27,635 Ma'am, could you look more disinterested? 810 00:56:27,676 --> 00:56:28,803 Thank you. 811 00:56:30,888 --> 00:56:31,680 So, what the hell? 812 00:56:31,722 --> 00:56:32,973 Please cut to her face. 813 00:56:39,146 --> 00:56:41,190 Every woman has a robot in her drawer. 814 00:56:44,401 --> 00:56:47,446 Mine need batteries. 815 00:56:50,825 --> 00:56:53,619 No, but robots. 816 00:56:59,708 --> 00:57:00,876 Hey, you ever think one of those 817 00:57:00,918 --> 00:57:03,796 wiggly, vibrating robots that women have. 818 00:57:05,256 --> 00:57:07,967 If you were out at the fucking mall and your bag 819 00:57:08,008 --> 00:57:09,844 and it fell out on the ground and you're like, 820 00:57:12,304 --> 00:57:13,139 ooh, sorry about that. 821 00:57:14,265 --> 00:57:15,683 My husband's out of town. 822 00:57:17,810 --> 00:57:20,604 Tommy Travel-a-lot, you know. 823 00:57:20,646 --> 00:57:22,731 I gotta get mine, right. 824 00:57:22,773 --> 00:57:25,484 Other women in society just go, oh yeah, you go girl. 825 00:57:25,526 --> 00:57:26,360 You get it. 826 00:57:27,820 --> 00:57:32,366 Mmm, right, but if I would had a backpack, 827 00:57:36,078 --> 00:57:38,414 and some pocket pussy fell out and I was like, 828 00:57:40,457 --> 00:57:43,419 sorry about that, that was actually a whole woman but, 829 00:57:45,254 --> 00:57:48,632 I couldn't fit her in my bag so I just cut that area out, 830 00:57:50,134 --> 00:57:52,094 and I'm just gonna use this to jam on my dick later 831 00:57:54,513 --> 00:57:55,931 in the gas station bathroom 832 00:57:55,973 --> 00:57:58,184 and twist it like a fuckin' orange, 833 00:58:02,897 --> 00:58:04,899 I would be destroyed! 834 00:58:13,490 --> 00:58:14,450 So when you leave here tonight, 835 00:58:14,491 --> 00:58:16,118 may sure you tip your waitresses. 836 00:58:17,620 --> 00:58:21,165 When they're walking by, give 'em a little smack on the ass, 837 00:58:24,335 --> 00:58:26,587 'cause in three years, that thing's gonna be metal. 838 00:58:28,964 --> 00:58:30,507 I'm sorry, Chanley, I'm sorry. 839 00:58:32,509 --> 00:58:34,178 Shoulda went to college. 840 00:58:36,931 --> 00:58:39,391 I hate student loan debt, by the way. 841 00:58:42,019 --> 00:58:42,978 Fuck that shit. 842 00:58:44,730 --> 00:58:47,107 I hate student loan debt commercials even more. 843 00:58:48,525 --> 00:58:49,777 Is student loan debt ruining your life? 844 00:58:49,818 --> 00:58:52,112 Is student loan debt ruining your credit? 845 00:58:52,154 --> 00:58:56,492 Yes, and it's also ruining this episode of Maury. 846 00:59:02,957 --> 00:59:06,168 I have a foolproof way we can stop this bleeding, okay. 847 00:59:06,210 --> 00:59:09,213 Maybe not everybody needs to go to college. 848 00:59:13,550 --> 00:59:15,552 The average cost of college in America 849 00:59:15,594 --> 00:59:20,599 on the low end is $23,000, so for four years that is. 850 00:59:26,605 --> 00:59:31,277 I don't know, but I have a phone 851 00:59:31,318 --> 00:59:33,529 with a calculator who will tell me. 852 00:59:36,615 --> 00:59:38,534 It's $92,000, I figured it out, 92. 853 00:59:38,575 --> 00:59:41,036 $92,000, that's a lot of money. 854 00:59:41,078 --> 00:59:42,871 Let's say you want to go to college. 855 00:59:42,913 --> 00:59:44,123 Let's say you want to go to college 856 00:59:44,164 --> 00:59:45,916 and want to get a degree in business. 857 00:59:47,334 --> 00:59:51,005 Why not spend $2,000 on books on how to start a business, 858 00:59:51,046 --> 00:59:55,718 watch a bunch of YouTube videos on how to start a business, 859 00:59:57,094 --> 01:00:00,806 and use the $90,000 to start an actual business? 860 01:00:08,772 --> 01:00:09,940 Let's say you want to go to college 861 01:00:09,982 --> 01:00:11,900 and you want to take women's studies. 862 01:00:16,238 --> 01:00:21,118 You know how much you can learn about women with $92,000? 863 01:00:21,827 --> 01:00:23,537 Give a woman $92,000. 864 01:00:24,747 --> 01:00:26,874 You'll get a degree real quick. 865 01:00:28,167 --> 01:00:33,047 You can get a Ph.D., an M.D., STD, you can get. 866 01:00:36,008 --> 01:00:37,468 You don't have to spend all that money. 867 01:00:37,509 --> 01:00:39,928 You can just take her to a couple dinners for $500. 868 01:00:39,970 --> 01:00:44,975 You'll learn all the women's issues you ever wanted to hear. 869 01:00:47,895 --> 01:00:50,439 All right, but seriously though, do we need college? 870 01:00:50,481 --> 01:00:53,776 I mean, do we really need another history teacher? 871 01:00:56,987 --> 01:00:57,863 Why oh? 872 01:00:57,905 --> 01:00:59,698 I have one, her name is Siri. 873 01:01:01,533 --> 01:01:02,368 She's great. 874 01:01:03,619 --> 01:01:05,120 She's, that's a lot of bullshit. 875 01:01:05,162 --> 01:01:06,622 I'm not saying not everybody shouldn't go to college. 876 01:01:06,663 --> 01:01:08,290 I mean, I don't want to walk in my doctor's office 877 01:01:08,332 --> 01:01:10,918 and see, Proctology by DeVry. 878 01:01:13,796 --> 01:01:15,798 ITT Technical Institute. 879 01:01:19,051 --> 01:01:20,928 There's a lot of bullshit degrees out there, though. 880 01:01:20,969 --> 01:01:22,930 Listen to this one. 881 01:01:22,971 --> 01:01:24,640 University of Indiana, 882 01:01:24,681 --> 01:01:28,685 they had a degree in bowling management. 883 01:01:31,438 --> 01:01:33,107 Anybody here go to Indiana? 884 01:01:35,150 --> 01:01:38,779 Bowling management, that means some poor guy learned, 885 01:01:38,821 --> 01:01:40,656 poor guy had to pay almost $100,000 886 01:01:40,697 --> 01:01:44,076 to learn how to deodorize shoes and make nachos, 887 01:01:47,121 --> 01:01:48,122 and was like, bro, don't bother me right now. 888 01:01:48,163 --> 01:01:50,457 I got my ball waxing final. 889 01:01:54,253 --> 01:01:56,004 Left-right, right-left? 890 01:01:57,673 --> 01:02:01,427 University of Connecticut, they have a degree in puppetry. 891 01:02:03,387 --> 01:02:04,638 Puppetry! 892 01:02:04,680 --> 01:02:06,473 Let me ask all the fathers out there. 893 01:02:06,515 --> 01:02:09,810 Right now, would you be more depressed if your daughter 894 01:02:09,852 --> 01:02:13,897 became a stripper or your son became a puppeteer? 895 01:02:17,443 --> 01:02:20,737 Weigh those on the scales of disappointment in life. 896 01:02:27,744 --> 01:02:29,872 You know that's a real scenario out there. 897 01:02:31,373 --> 01:02:32,624 Some guy's talking to his friends. 898 01:02:32,666 --> 01:02:33,959 Hey, Phil, how's the kids? 899 01:02:34,001 --> 01:02:35,544 Aren't they grown? 900 01:02:35,586 --> 01:02:37,796 Oh yeah, my young daughter's doing great. 901 01:02:39,256 --> 01:02:41,967 She's now dancing the main stage during peak hours, 902 01:02:43,760 --> 01:02:45,762 down here at the Golden Cheetah. 903 01:02:46,847 --> 01:02:48,891 She even give a handjob 904 01:02:50,142 --> 01:02:51,894 to a professional football player, 905 01:02:59,026 --> 01:03:00,194 in the champagne room. 906 01:03:00,235 --> 01:03:02,154 My little Cinnamon's making it rain! 907 01:03:04,781 --> 01:03:06,200 How about your son, Phil Jr.? 908 01:03:06,241 --> 01:03:07,242 Isn't he a puppeteer? 909 01:03:07,284 --> 01:03:08,869 Yeah, we don't talk about him. 910 01:03:12,122 --> 01:03:13,123 He's dead to us. 911 01:03:16,043 --> 01:03:17,252 Puppeteer, man. 912 01:03:17,294 --> 01:03:19,796 A poor guy paid almost $100,000 for him 913 01:03:19,838 --> 01:03:22,049 to have his hand up a Fraggle's ass. 914 01:03:23,258 --> 01:03:24,384 Fraggle Rock. 915 01:03:24,426 --> 01:03:26,762 Hey Pop, you got a lot of debt. 916 01:03:33,060 --> 01:03:34,895 I'm not saying not everybody shouldn't go to college. 917 01:03:34,937 --> 01:03:36,355 I'm just sayin', I just don't think 918 01:03:36,396 --> 01:03:38,065 you have to go to college if you're successful. 919 01:03:38,106 --> 01:03:39,274 You agree with that? 920 01:03:40,567 --> 01:03:41,401 Look at all the people who didn't. 921 01:03:43,403 --> 01:03:47,866 We got Thomas Edison, Mark Zuckerberg, 922 01:03:48,825 --> 01:03:53,163 Steve Jobs, Oprah, me. 923 01:03:57,000 --> 01:03:58,377 Look how good I'm doin'. 924 01:04:00,003 --> 01:04:03,632 I'm 46, I'm trying to get tit, 925 01:04:05,509 --> 01:04:07,177 hangin' in a bowling alley. 926 01:04:13,642 --> 01:04:15,018 You guys, that's it. 927 01:04:19,815 --> 01:04:22,734 Thank you, thank you. 928 01:04:22,776 --> 01:04:23,986 Stop it. 929 01:04:25,195 --> 01:04:26,029 Stop it. 930 01:04:28,073 --> 01:04:29,283 Thank you. 931 01:04:35,747 --> 01:04:37,040 Appreciate you.