[♪♪♪]
[Dog barking in distant]
Brody?
[Sighs]
[♪♪♪]
[Gasping]
[Taking deep breaths]
[Screaming]
[♪♪♪]
[Chuckles]
[Sighs]
[♪♪♪]
[Screams]
[♪♪♪]
[Taking deep breaths]
♪The first Noel, the angel did say ♪
♪ Was to certain poor shepherds in fields as they lay ♪
♪ In fields where they lay keeping their sheep ♪
♪ On a cold winter's night that was so deep ♪
♪ Noel, Noel, Noel, Noel ♪
Goodnight, bat.
[Chuckles]
[♪♪♪]
JEN: You don't have a job.
I have a job.
I'm a novelist.
JEN: And how's that working out?
That sounded mean.
I know.
But Mom would've wanted you to build a life for yourself
in the cabin, you know?
Not rot away in it.
I'm your sister.
I have a right to be worried about you.
Build a life?
Like what your life?
Squirt out a million kids before I'm 30?
JEN: Three kids.
I have three beautiful kids.
And they're your family, too.
Believe or not,
they're actually missing their thia.
JEN: Are you still there?
Gotta go.
[♪♪♪]
[Hissing]
[♪♪♪]
[Taking deep breaths]
[Screams]
Whoa! Whoa!
It's okay.
Julius King, private investigator.
JULIUS: Uh, I'm sorry, ma'am, for scaring you.
You okay?
Um, yeah, I'm sorry I-- I've been jumpy all morning.
I didn't get much sleep.
What can I do for you?
JULIUS: You know, it's okay.
-I'll come back another-- -No, no, it's okay.
Um, I'm fine.
Come in, please.
-Are you sure? -Yeah.
Thank you.
Thank you, Ms. Romo.
Olivia.
Oooh, peppermint.
Mhmm.
Uh, you said you're a cop?
Not actually, no, I'm a-- a private investigator.
I'm working for some folks out of Reno.
Oh, I-- I don't anybody in Reno.
But maybe you could help me anyway.
You see I've been going around knocking on doors
for the last few days.
And it seems that everybody's away because of the holidays.
And then I saw the lights on in your house, and I thought,
"“Well, hey, maybe somebody's home there
and I'll go over and check and see--"”
Sorry. What is this about?
Oh, I'm sorry, I'm rambling a little, aren't I?
I'm actually looking for someone.
Well, three someones.
What, like criminals?
Um, you could say that.
JULIUS: Would you uh, take a look at these photos
and tell me if you recognize any of the people.
See I've been tracking them for quite a long time.
And uh, they seem to move around only at night using back roads.
I got quite close to one of them, but uh, he slipped
through my fingers.
Are-- are they dangerous?
[Julius sighs]
I don't want to scare you or upset you,
but yes, they are very dangerous.
JULIUS: That one?
He's more dangerous than the other two combined.
What's his name?
Luke.
[Taking deep breaths]
Have you seen him?
I um-- no.
No, I'm afraid I haven't.
Are you sure, Ms. Romo?
Yeah, like you said with everyone gone
for the holidays, it's--
it's been pretty quiet.
[Chuckles]
What was that?
Oh, uh, that's just my cat.
Your cat?
Yeah, he likes to go in the garage sometimes.
I think he likes to sniff around all the old boxes
and stuff in there.
I don't know, cats are weird.
Is there anyone else staying here with you
apart from your cat?
No, just me and Buster.
Do you like vampires, Ms. Romo?
What?
Vampires, you know.
Dracula, Nosferatu, Twilight.
No, not really.
Why?
Oh, I don't know.
I just noticed that you have a vampire book
on the coffee table and uh, vampire ornaments
on your tree.
I just figured maybe you like vampires.
Why not?
JULIUS: Lots of people do.
I mean they think they're-- aw, they're really cool
and they're so sexy.
Huh?
JULIUS: But they're not.
You know, I've seen a gang of vamps rip a man's head off,
then kick it round in a circle like a hacky sack.
Just for fun.
But vampires aren't real.
Oh yes, they are and you know they are,
don't you, Ms. Romo?
[Laughing]
I had you there, didn't I?
I had you there.
Yeah, you did.
That was just a joke.
I'm just playing with you.
That's good.
Oh dear, I guess I should go.
Yeah.
Oh, by the way, um, getting serious here,
if you see any of the three
that were in those photographs anywhere, please call me.
Don't worry about the local police,
they're just aren't up to handling this.
And don't even think about 9-1-1.
Huh, the Severon Group?
JULIUS [OS/ON]: That's the detective agency I work for.
Little bit theatrical if you ask me,
but they're a lot of nice folk.
Thank you, Ms. Romo, for the tea.
It was very refreshing.
What's that?
Oh, a bat flew against the window last night.
A bat?
Yeah, I thought it was dead, but uh, maybe it flew off.
Do you see a lot of bats flying around here
in the winter?
Not really, no.
You know why that is, right?
All the bugs, flying insects, and things that uh,
bats feed on, they all hide when it gets cold.
Bats, they either hibernate or they fly south
where it's warmer.
Huh.
If you see a bat flying around in the winter,
have to ask yourself one question,
"“What's it eating?"”
[♪♪♪]
Hey Simon, it's me.
I'm in a little town outside of Tahoe.
I think I'm close to nailing one of the subjects.
I winged him pretty good last night.
He'd probably die on his own.
[Chuckles]
Wanna make sure.
[♪♪♪]
I'm coming in, okay?
Don't be afraid.
[♪♪♪]
[Screams]
Luke!
I um-- I brought you some clothes.
Uh, sorry, I-- I don't have any men's clothes.
Those are my mum's old things.
I didn't know what to do with them.
So I shoved them in all boxes and now I'm glad I did.
I'm sure there's something you could wear
for the time being, so you're not you know,
uh naked and freezing.
OLIVIA: Uh, feel free to rip stuff up if you need like a tourniquet
for that huge hole on your side.
Uh, I can get you something more appropriate um,
if you tell me your sizes what you like to wear,
that sort of thing.
Oh, I'm Olivia, by the way.
Blood.
OLIVIA: What?
I need blood.
Oh blood, right.
OLIVIA: Because, a vampire.
Yeah, um, I'm fresh out at the moment,
but you know what I-- I can um--
I think I know a place that has them.
Yeah.
Um, so I'll just get you some shirts, sweaters,
and a few pints of blood.
Maybe a pair of pants,
I'm thinking of like a size 32 waist, am I close?
No pants.
Blood.
Okay, gotcha.
Save the pants for later, focus on the blood.
I'm gonna go right now, okay.
[♪♪♪]
[Chuckles]
Could I have a half pound of the lean ground beef
and uh, half pound of the-- the skirt steak?
Oh yeah, and um, do you sell blood?
[♪♪♪]
Oh, um good, you found something to wear.
Uh, blood?
[Gulps]
[Coughs]
What is this?
Pig's blood.
They were practically giving it away at the butcher shop.
OLIVIA: Who knew?
Pig's blood.
Uh, I could take it back if you don't--
No, it's fine.
[Gulping]
More, please.
More.
Uh, more?
No.
I need sleep.
Uh, I got a sleeping bag if you want.
OLIVIA: I-- I thought you might be up.
Wow, you look different.
Feel different.
Feel a lot better actually.
Can I come in?
It's your house.
Can I help you with something?
Oh, uh, well okay.
You're a vampire obviously, right.
Right.
So I write about vampires
and I read about them a lot
and I've seen a lot of vampire movies.
I mean a lot, a lot.
Okay.
OLIVIA: But-- but I never actually met one.
Like in-- in the flesh.
[Laughs]
I-- I didn't even know they were real until today.
So this is kind of a big deal for me.
[Takes deep breath]
What do you want to know?
Oh, um, okay.
Well, oh God, there's so much I-- I wanna know.
Oh, okay, I got it.
Um, let-- let's start with the rules.
What rules?
OLIVIA: You know, the rules.
Like how in some vampire stories uh, crosses and holy water
are deadly to you.
In others, it's like God and the Bible have nothing to do
with vampires, so it's useless against them.
Things like that.
For example, you can turn into a bat.
See?
That-- that's a curveball for me.
That's like old school.
Um, I mean I like it, don't get me wrong.
Ooh, can you turn into a bat right now?
Maybe some other time.
Right, because you're still healing.
Uh, so let's start with the basics.
A stake through the heart.
Will that kill you?
I imagine a stake to the heart would kill pretty much anything.
What about crosses?
Can you look at them?
Prefer not to.
Garlic?
Gives me hives.
Holy water?
Depends on the priest who blessed it.
Meaning?
Meaning if he diddled kids, I'll probably be fine.
Gross.
Yeah. But this?
Crossbow bolt dipped in holy water.
The real deal.
No shit.
And what about sunlight?
What about it?
Do you burn up if you go outside during the day?
I wouldn't burn up,
but it wouldn't feel very good either.
What does it feel like?
Being in the sun?
Yeah.
Feels like being kicked in the balls.
Over and over again.
Oh, and what does getting kicked in the balls feel like?
OLIVIA: Oh silver?
Or is that just for werewolves?
Wait, are werewolves real, too?
Was somebody here earlier?
OLIVIA: Huh?
Guy in a big coat?
Oh, you mean Julius King.
You know his name!
Whoa, it's okay.
I didn't tell him anything.
What's the big deal?
Who do you think gave me this?
Fucker shot me with a crossbow last night.
Nearly killed me.
Look, he doesn't know you're here.
I-- I swear.
He was going door to door looking for you.
Somebody's outside.
OLIVIA: There's nobody out there.
Somebody is outside right now!
Are you sure?
Yes, go check.
-Luke-- -LUKE: I'm weak.
I can't fight back if somebody comes for me.
-But Luke, if-- -Go!
[♪♪♪]
There's nobody out there.
You sure?
Yes.
Positive?
Well, why don't you go and check for yourself?
[Scoffs]
So, what's your deal anyway?
My deal?
LUKE: Who the hell are you?
Why are you helping me?
Well, like I said, my name is Olivia
and I'm helping you, because I want to get to know
a real-life vampire.
Which probably sounds like a real stupid reason to you.
You think?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Close it!
LUKE: Please close it!
Olivia, close it.
Please, Olivia, I'm begging you, close it.
Look, if you don't want my help, there's the door.
I'm sorry, okay.
I didn't mean to upset you.
Listen, Olivia, I'm not strong enough
to go out there yet.
Okay?
Just please close it before somebody sees me.
[♪♪♪]
Look, whatever that man told you,
I'm not a bad guy.
No, you never ripped someone's head off and kicked it around
like a hacky sack?
What?
No.
Is that really what he told you?
But still, you're a vampire.
You kill people to live.
I drink people's blood.
I don't kill them.
[Chuckles]
You expect me to believe that?
If I was leaving dried-up corpses
up and down the Stateline,
don't you think somebody would have noticed?
Well, maybe because you're turning them all
into vampires?
Doesn't work like that.
Then how does it work?
You can only turn someone if you were born a vampire.
I'm not making this shit up!
Well, if you're such a great guy,
why are people trying to kill you?
People aren't trying to kill me.
The Severon Group is trying to kill me.
Whatever.
Hey, the Severon Group is not whatever.
They're a bunch of jack-booted fascist thugs
and they will kill anything that doesn't fit
into their narrow-minded view of the world.
They've already wiped out unicorns, and shape-shifters,
and-- and candy elves.
Candy elves?
They're as cool as they fucking sound
and you'll never get to meet a candy elf,
because the Severon Group killed every last one of '‘em.
And as for vampires,
it's down to just me and a few others out there.
I mean, for all I know, they're all dead already.
You might be looking at the last fucking
samurai over here, Olivia.
Look, you're all I've got.
If I can crash here just for a few more nights,
just until I get my strength back--
Okay.
Okay?
I, um, it's been a long day for me.
I'm gonna go to bed.
I'll see you tomorrow.
Olivia?
Do I still need to be locked up in the garage?
Until I know I can trust you?
Yeah.
Can I at least have a magazine or something to read?
I'm gonna be bored out of my mind
in here all night.
You can read this if you want.
Touched by a Vampire?
[Exhaling]
[♪♪♪]
[Gasping]
[Takes deep breaths]
[♪♪♪]
LUKE: Let me guess.
Pig's blood.
[Sighs]
Oh, it's Count Orlok.
From Nosferatu?
Yeah, I know what it's from.
Do-- do you not like Nosferatu?
No, I don't.
In fact most vampires find it a deeply offensive portrayal
of our people.
Wait, really?
It's like our Birth of a Nation.
Oh God, I'm-- I'm so sorry.
I didn't mean to offend or--
I'm just fucking with you.
Oh.
[Chuckles]
[Slurps, gulps]
Does it really taste that different?
I mean pig's blood versus.
I don't mean to sound ungrateful but it's like the difference
between a craft beer and warm piss?
Well, did you know that you can actually drink
your own pee.
It's true and in fact, did you know that
there is actually less bacteria in urine
than there is in tap water?
What?
[♪♪♪]
[Grunts]
I think this is starting to heal up.
It was slow going at first, but I guess it just needed time.
Oh.
I didn't really get a chance to--
It's fine.
It's good so far.
Really.
Forget it. It's-- it's stupid.
I'm just gonna go inside and make some breakfast.
Human breakfast.
[Sighs]
I'll be moving in now.
SIMON: You sure he's in there?
Yeah.
Alert the disposal team.
There'll probably be a casualty.
Human.
SIMON: Human?
The bitch has been keeping him alive.
[♪♪♪]
[Gasps & grunts]
Where is the vampire, you whore of Satan?
Hey.
Tell me where you've hidden him
or I swear I will snap your fucking neck like a twig.
Right here, right now.
Luke!
[Grunting]
[Laughs]
[Grunting]
Oh, I've waited a long time.
[Screaming]
How does that feel?
Is that good?
[Indiscernible speech]
[Grunting]
Okay.
We need to figure out--
[Screaming]
Holy shit!
[Taking deep breaths]
[♪♪♪]
LUKE: Olivia?
Olivia, can we talk?
It was him or me, Olivia, you know that.
Look, I know you must be upset right now,
but just say something, will you?
JEN: Hi, this is Jen.
Leave a message.
Hey, hermana, um,
just calling because it's almost Christmas
and I really miss you right now.
Um, you know what, I am being stupid.
You don't have to return this call.
[♪♪♪]
LUKE: Olivia!
Olivia, is that you?
Who else would it be?
LUKE: Listen, I read your manuscript.
And?
LUKE: I liked it.
Yeah, right.
LUKE: I'm serious!
You have a really good voice.
Well, if that was true, I'd be published by now.
LUKE: Yeah, well, about that?
I think I have some notes for you that could help.
Just a little feedback.
Maybe a real vampire's perspective could help you
with your next draft.
Punch it up a little.
What do you say?
[♪♪♪]
Can you get to the other side of the room please?
LUKE: Uh yeah, sure.
Is there still blood all over the place?
LUKE: No, I mopped it up with the cleaning stuff
that I found in here.
It looks nice, I swear.
OLIVIA: Uh, it is clean in here.
Where did you put the body?
Oh God!
[Gasps]
Oh yeah, sorry about that.
It's cold enough in here that the body should keep
for a few days.
So when I'm strong enough, I'll take it with me
and bury it somewhere.
We could talk out in the living room?
I like your place.
Cosy.
Thanks.
Do you ski?
Snowboard?
No, I--
You live in Tahoe.
Thought you might ski is all.
My mom skied.
This was her place.
She um, died last year.
Ovarian cancer.
I'm sorry.
Thanks.
My mom left me this place in her will.
My sister was already married off at that point
and mom probably figured I wouldn't be able to pay rent
on my apartment for much longer.
She was right, as usual.
How long have you been writing?
Oh, I don't know.
Since I was a little kid.
As far back as I can remember.
Anne Rice or Stephenie Meyer?
Huh?
LUKE: Anne Rice or Stephenie Meyer?
Who do you wanna be?
I wanna be me.
You said you had some notes on my book?
[Clears throat]
Yeah.
Let me start with the stuff that I liked.
The prose is really clean and confident.
It's not too flowery with a bunch of fifty-cent words
stuck in there.
LUKE: And the Anna character is gr--
Skip to the stuff you hate.
I can take it.
Okay.
In that case, let's talk about the setting.
Romania?
Yeah.
I chose Romania, 'cause it's got like this gothic
sort of Bram Stoker sort of--
Yeah, I know why you chose it.
But you need to change it.
Vamps aren't moping around in dusty old castles
in eastern Europe, okay?
They go to cool places.
Cool as in cold?
Cool as in fun.
Tokyo, London, Tahoe.
I mean have you ever been to Romania?
It fucking sucks.
There is nothing to do there.
Okay, I get it.
I'll consider changing the setting.
What else?
LUKE: The characters.
So you have Anna the human and Vladimir the vampire
she falls in love with, right?
OLIVIA: Right.
Like I said the Anna character is great.
I like her a lot.
But Vladimir...
[Blows raspberry]
What's wrong with Vladimir?
Let's start with his name.
No self-respecting vampire would ever call himself,
"Vladimir".
You might as well have called him "Dildo".
You need to pick something stylish.
Something with a little pizzaz.
Something like...
...Zach.
Zach.
Zach's a great vampire name.
You want him to blend into society, don't you?
How about Ethan?
Ethan works, too.
Yeah, I like Ethan.
Zach, Ethan whatever.
There are bigger problems here than just his name.
I mean, this guy is a piece of shit.
Meanwhile, Anna, she's smart, she's successful,
she owns her own tile and linoleum flooring company.
I don't believe for a second that she would go for this guy.
Why not?
For starters, he's a creepy guy named Vladimir that lives
in a moldy old castle in Romania.
But you're gonna change all that.
Maybe.
The biggest issue is that I want him in the driver's seat.
I want him to take control.
I mean he's whining like a little bitch
up until page 250.
And by that point, the book's nearly over.
He's a vampire, Olivia.
Being a vampire isn't sad.
It's awesome.
You live forever.
Every day is a party.
You don't have to pay taxes or wait in line in the DMV
or worry about your fucking cholesterol.
Vladimir-- Ethan is sad because his old life is gone.
Don't you get that?
Every single person he knew and loved
before he was a vampire has grown old and died.
I mean don't you miss your old life?
What you mean when I was human?
No.
Not even a little bit?
You wanna know something crazy?
I don't even remember my life before I became a vampire.
That can't be true.
It is.
I've heard it's like this amnesia thing that happens
when you change.
Huh.
Maybe it's a defense mechanism to help you cope
with the transition?
That could be interesting to explore.
[Chuckles]
Could be interesting.
Like he's trying to remember his old human life
by following the clues.
Oh, and Anna could help him.
They'd be like solving the mysteries
of his past together and fall in love.
That could be good.
Could be very good.
[♪♪♪]
I'm not ready.
I need more time.
[♪♪♪]
Shit!
Is it Christmas already?
Uh, Christmas Eve.
My mom would always let my sister and me open one gift
the night before.
But I didn't get you anything.
Well, yeah, because you live in my garage.
Open it.
[Chuckles]
I figured you'd be sick of wearing my mum's old clothes,
is all.
Thank you, Olivia.
For everything.
Um, well, I'll-- I'll let you get dressed.
When you're done, you can uh, come inside.
I've got a surprise for you.
♪ Up on the housetop...
Sit, please.
♪ Out jumped little Santa Claus ♪
♪ Down through the chimney without... ♪
You did all this for me?
♪ All for the little ones
Couldn't have you spending Christmas Eve in my garage.
♪ Oh, ho, ho, ho
♪ Who wouldn't go
♪ Oh, ho, ho, ho
Well then, would you please pass the blood?
Well, cheers.
[Indistinct conversation]
SCROOGE [ON TV]: All of you.
Hey boy, hey, Merry Christmas.
It is Christmas day, isn't it?
Why, of course.
SCROOGE [ON TV]: Oh, I knew I hadn't missed it.
Uh, the spirits have done it all in one night.
Hey!
Do you know the person at the corner of street?
[Indiscernible speech]
BOY [ON TV]: I hope I did.
SCROOGE [ON TV]: I mean delicate boy, you're a wonderful boy.
♪ ...Angelic host proclaim
♪ "Christ is born in Bethlehem" ♪
♪ Hark! The herald angels sing ♪
♪ "Glory to the newborn King!"
Mmm.
What did I miss?
Scrooge beat the crippled kid to death with his own crutches.
He did not.
I'm gonna turn in.
Aren't you--
Aren't I what?
Aren't you gonna lock me in the garage?
You can sleep in the guest room if you want.
[Taking deep breaths]
[♪♪♪]
Lose something?
Well, aren't you gonna say hello?
Hello, Jackie.
Brock.
You look ridiculous.
She pick that outfit for you?
It was a Christmas present.
She's up there, isn't she?
I can hear that hot little heart beating.
Must drive you wild.
She risked her life to save mine.
Last time I saw you, you were running away.
Julius King had just nailed you with a crossbow.
What were we supposed to do?
Wait for our turn.
Julius King is dead.
Bullshit.
I killed him.
With little help from my new friend.
If he's dead, where's his body?
In the garage.
Show me.
I'm not asking.
Take me to him.
Fine.
Come in.
He's this way.
Olivia!
[Gasps]
Season's bleedings, little bunny.
I'm Jackie.
What's your name?
JACKIE: Oh, what's the matter?
Cat got your tongue.
Must be pretty comfortable up here.
Sleeping with the door unlocked.
No crosses, no stakes, just you all alone
in your little nighty.
He must have made you feel real safe, huh?
Aww, sweet little bunny.
You don't know Luke like I know Luke.
We've had a lot of fun times together.
And not just in the ways you're thinking about.
We've hunted together.
Killed together.
Drained the blood from hundreds of tasty little bunnies
just like you.
You're lying.
[Screams]
[Laughing]
[Taking deep breaths]
[Gasps]
Luke, make her stop.
Yeah, Luke, make me stop.
[Chuckles]
Does he look like he's the boss?
No.
JACKIE: He's too soft to be in-charge.
Look at him now.
All torn up over one little bunny.
Let her go!
This house?
It's my house now.
That car in the driveway?
My car.
All your shit?
Mine.
And in exchange, I'll let you hop, hop, hop out the front door
with the clothes on your back.
She'll freeze to death out there.
Maybe.
Maybe not.
So what do you say?
You're just-- you're just gonna let me go?
Did I say that?
[Chuckles]
No.
You can go out the front door,
but you're gonna have to run, girl.
JACKIE: Faster than you're ever run before.
How about I give you a 10-second head start?
Just to make things interesting.
10, 9, 8...
[Laughing]
[Screams]
[♪♪♪]
[Screams]
[Laughs]
She got away, didn't she?
She'll be back.
They always come back.
And when she does...
[Grunts]
She's mine.
I'm bored, let's go kill something.
[Inhales, coughing]
[♪♪♪]
[Grunts]
Anyways I'm never fucking skiing with that money again with her.
That's so fucking bullshit, dude.
You say that every time and you just go back again.
[Overlapping speech]
This time--
This time it's different. This time--
Whoa.
Evening, boys.
Hey, what's up?
Hi.
You wanna go to a party with me?
[Taking deep breaths]
So like where's this party?
Not far.
[♪♪♪]
Hey, how much further?
We're here.
[Growls]
[Screams]
[Gasping]
[♪♪♪]
Severon Group.
This is Simon.
SIMON: Hello?
I got this number from Julius King.
He's dead now.
I'm listening.
Before I tell you anything else,
I need to know if I can trust you.
I'm not sure I follow.
Did the Severon Group really kill off all the candy elves?
What the fuck is a candy elf?
[♪♪♪]
I don't know what to do.
They kicked me out of my own home.
If I go back, they'll--
Could you send someone?
Another vampire hunter?
Like-- like Julius?
I'm afraid, we don't have anyone like uh, Julius King.
SIMON: He was the best of us.
He would always bring me back gifts from his travels.
He meant a great deal to me.
But to answer your question, yes, I imagine we could find
someone to send over and solve your problem.
Oh, thank God.
How fast can they get here?
Well, let's see, uh...
Tomorrow's Christmas, New Year's around the corner,
I think we could pencil you in around June.
June?
SIMON: Does that work for you?
The last three vampires in the world
have taken over my home
and you are saying you can't spare anybody
until June?
First of all, they're not the last three vampires
in the world.
There's fucking thousands of them.
Did a vampire tell you that, too?
No.
Secondly, we're not exactly Doctors Without Borders
over here.
We have limited staff, limited resources.
This is all my fault.
I saved him.
None of this would have happened if...
[Takes deep breath]
I have to take responsibility.
Ma'am?
OLIVIA: Tell you what, Simon.
I've got a car full of stakes, and garlic, and holy water,
and a big ass cross-bow.
What are you saying?
I'll wait until morning.
Then I'll kill them all.
I would strongly advise against attempting anything
even remotely like that.
Hello?
[♪♪♪]
[Grunting]
[Screaming]
Who's there?
[Grunting]
[Laughing]
[Taking deep breaths]
You missed.
[♪♪♪]
[Panting]
[Gasps]
Bet you thought I'd burn in the sun, huh?
But no!
It just hurts really, really bad.
[Grunting]
Kind of like this.
[Groaning]
[Coughing & grunting]
[♪♪♪]
Morning, bunny!
[Screams]
[Screaming]
Mmm, what have we here?
And where do you think you're going?
[Grunting]
Let's see.
Garlic, cross.
More garlic.
Holy water.
Didn't Luke tell you this stuff is pretty hit or miss
these days?
[Olivia grunting]
How do you like your stake?
[Laughing]
Jackie!
Get away from her.
Well, this is an interesting development.
Stop right there.
Or what?
You'll kill me.
Yes.
Nah, you'd miss me too much.
You'd miss all the hunting, and the killing,
and the fucking.
Drop the stake.
You may have tricked little bunny into thinking
you're as sweet as Count Chocula,
but I know you better.
You don't know me.
Whatever.
[Screams]
You really suck now, you know that.
You used to be so fucking cool.
A few days with a baby-sitter,
and I don't even recognize you anymore.
The power of Christ compels you!
[Laughs]
The power of Christ compels you!
Oh, stay with me, Luke.
You're gonna wanna see this next part.
[Laughing]
[Chuckles]
Simon & Schuster.
JACKIE: Wow, bunny.
You should have tried self-publishing.
Now nobody gets to read your shitty book.
Aw. Is little bunny hurt?
Let Miss Jackie take the pain away.
[Grunts]
[Grunting]
Merry Christmas, you undead bitch!
[♪♪♪]
[Takes deep breaths]
Olivia...
I was chased half-naked into the freezing cold.
I had to spend Christmas Eve in the backseat
of a dead guy's car.
I nearly got myself killed by your psycho vampire friends
and one of them was like your wife or something?
She wasn't my--
Christmas is supposed to be about spending time
with the people you care about.
It's supposed to be about opening up presents,
and listening to Christmas music,
and eating, and drinking too much.
It is not, I repeat not about killing fucking vampires.
But you wouldn't know it from looking at my Christmas,
would you?
Please.
You lied to me.
About killing people.
OLIVIA: About who you are.
You lied to me about candy elves which is a really weird thing
to lie about by the way.
OLIVIA: Where did you even come up with that?
I'm gonna ask you some questions now.
And you're gonna tell me the truth.
And only the truth.
Or I swear to God I'll shoot you in the heart with this crossbow
and send you straight to hell.
She bit me.
Am I going to turn into a vampire now?
No.
You swear.
She wasn't born a vampire.
She was turned.
Like me.
She couldn't change you if she wanted to.
Okay.
Did you ever care about me?
Was any of it real?
Yeah.
And you really liked my book?
[Chuckles]
Yeah.
Except for Vladimir.
Is that the sweater I gave you?
Uh...
[♪♪♪]
Hello?
JEN: Merry Christmas, hermana.
Merry Christmas, Jen.
JEN: Hang on, there's a few other people who wanna say hi.
Hold on.
[Indiscernible speech]
Say Merry Christmas to your Aunt Olivia.
JEN'S KIDS [Together]: Merry Christmas, Aunt Olivia!
Merry Christmas, kiddos.
[Indiscernible lyrics]
[♪♪♪]
Thank you.
[Indistinct chatter in background]
Make it out to Simon.
SIMON: You seem to know a lot about killing vampires, Ms. Romo.
Perhaps we can work on something together in the future?
Thanks.
But I prefer writing about them.
[Indistinct chatter in background]
What's your name?
Elizabeth.
[♪♪♪]
The signing in L.A. went well.
Great turnout.
Even better than San Francisco.
Blood...
Every one kept asking when the next book
is coming out.
I told them the truth.
Well, most of the truth.
Blood...
I said I'd done a few drafts,
but I still need to hear feedback from my muse.
How are your notes coming along, by the way?
May I?
Blood!
OLIVIA: Okay, no need to yell.
[♪♪♪]
Huh?
Well, this isn't very constructive, is it?
Did you even read my newest draft?
Blood.
[♪♪♪]
[Taking deep breaths]
[♪♪♪]