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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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‎NETFLIX 原創喜劇特輯

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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‎（傑瑞史菲德呈現）

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‎史菲德先生，你今晚要表演對吧？

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‎對啊

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‎他們說現在交通太擁擠不能降落

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‎-你要我怎麼辦？
‎-沒關係

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‎讓我在這裡下就好

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‎謝謝！

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‎非常感謝！

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‎天哪

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‎好偉大的時刻

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‎好強烈的感受，這種成就感…

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‎你們才感受得到

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‎你們這種感受

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‎出門、對付…

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‎應付人生的天然障礙

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‎應付難搞的人、安排、籌劃

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‎應付煩人的朋友
‎你們身邊可能就坐了幾位

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‎這些人不知道為什麼

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‎毫無必要來來回回搞得超複雜

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‎溝通說：“誰要去？”

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‎“什麼時候出門？”
‎和“我們要怎麼去？”

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‎“你幹嘛不來接我？”
‎“我何不來接你？”

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‎“上路了”
‎“在反方向啦”

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‎“開我的車”
‎“開你的車”

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‎“一輛車就好”
‎“兩輛啦”

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‎“我們要去哪裡吃飯？
‎你吃了嗎？我還沒吃”

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‎“你要吃飯嗎？我好餓”
‎“我好飽”

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‎“我整天都在吃水果糖
‎我要吃能飽足的食物”

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‎“門票怎麼辦？誰買門票？

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‎你有門票嗎？”

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‎你今天聽人說“門票”幾次？

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‎“別忘了門票”

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‎“你有門票嗎？”
‎“有，我有門票！”

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‎“你有他們的門票嗎？”
‎“我沒替他們買門票

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‎他們得自己買票

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‎我上次替他們買門票
‎他們沒給我錢”

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‎你朋友為什麼這麼討厭？

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‎你選擇要一生相處的對象耶

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‎真沒道理

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‎你會不眨眼就甩掉他們

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‎只是甩掉他們會更麻煩

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‎要找新人當朋友
‎瞭解他們煩人的問題

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‎這些問題他們卻不去處理

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‎換你手機裡的姓名和號碼

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‎刪除舊的通訊錄

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‎“算了啦，我就跟這些白痴同車好了

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‎反正都是一樣的餐點、節慶和電影

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‎我跟誰交朋友又有什麼差別？”

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‎“只想出門”
‎你們這就不就出門了

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‎大家都說著要出門

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‎“我們該出門，我們出門吧
‎我們都不出門”

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‎呃…

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‎你們已經出門了

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‎出門的好處是，不用出門太久

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‎只要有接下來的感覺就夠久了
‎你們都會感受到的

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‎這種感覺就是“我要回家”

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‎你們這麼努力

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‎把自己拖出家門到這裡之後

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‎你們這場夢魘現在才完成一半

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‎不管你們現在處於人生哪個境界

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‎你都得滾出那境界

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‎你去上班，就會想回家

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‎你在家則想：“我工作一個禮拜了
‎我要出去”

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‎你出了門，天色晚了
‎“我要回家”

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‎“我要起床”
‎“我要去機場”

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‎“我們何時上飛機？”
‎飛機起飛了

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‎“飛機何時著陸？”
‎飛機著陸了

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‎“他們幹嘛不開機門讓我們出去？”

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‎沒人想待在任何地方

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‎沒人喜歡任何東西

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‎我們愛鬧脾氣、很煩躁

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‎我們的調適方法就是一直換地點

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‎所以呢

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‎我們想出表演這種事
‎我們現在參與的這項表演

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‎這是場虛構人為沒必要的假活動

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‎就是這樣

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‎這是很多人非常努力編出來的

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‎好讓我們能殺時間

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‎所以我才在這裡，對了，我也沒事幹

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‎我可以告訴你
‎你們都懂我的，你和我…

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‎拜託，你和我算是瞭解彼此

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‎雖然可能是在電子媒體上

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‎你我到現在已經算認識很多年了

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‎我們一起體驗人生，真美好

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‎你們都知道我做過什麼

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‎都知道我做過什麼
‎都知道我的生活型態

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‎你們都知道…

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‎我現在明明能去世上任何地點的

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‎你們老實說，你們要是我

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‎你們還會拖著老骨頭
‎上台表演另一場特輯嗎？

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‎也許…或也許不會

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‎雖然如此，我還是很高興來這裡

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‎我很喜歡這裡

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‎這裡可能是我世上最愛的地點

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‎可能就是此時此刻

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‎我們愛你！

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‎謝謝，甜心，我也愛妳

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‎這就是我最愛的親密關係

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‎我愛你、你愛我，我們永遠不會見面

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‎這些就是我們騙自己

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‎我們人生並不爛的鬼話

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‎這也算另一個體驗，你明天會說

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‎“我的人生並不爛
‎我看了1990年代拍過電視的諧星

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‎在紐約市百老匯上的燈塔劇院表演”

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‎你人生就算還是很爛也沒關係

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‎我知道的
‎因為我知道大家的人生都很爛

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‎你的人生很爛，我的人生也很爛

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‎也許沒你們的人生爛

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‎不過，就人生這麼爛的程度看來

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‎大家的人生都很爛，沒關係啦

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‎別因為你人生爛就不開心

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‎你在人生能學到最寶貴的一課

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‎“爛”和“棒”只有一線之隔

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‎這兩者沒差很多

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‎我們住在紐約這裡

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‎我在這裡聽膩什麼很棒的餐廳了

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‎“傑瑞，我們昨晚去了家很棒的餐廳

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‎超棒的，你會喜歡的

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‎他會喜歡的，對吧？你會喜歡的”

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‎“你”
‎記得你朋友怎麼只說你嗎？

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‎“你，他會喜歡對吧？

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‎他會很喜歡那裡的”

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‎“你喜歡嗎？”
‎“我不重要，但是你呢…”

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‎我不喜歡很棒的餐廳
‎我不喜歡什麼很棒的東西

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‎我喜歡還好：“那裡食物怎樣？”
‎“還好”

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‎“聽起來真棒，我們去那裡試就對了”

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‎“想聽特點嗎？”
‎“不用，特點要是這麼特別

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‎那就直接放上菜單

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‎我對想應徵上團隊的食物沒興趣”

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‎我不懂你在說什麼

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‎“我們要用煎的、我們要用香料包覆

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‎我們要用其他東西
‎收汁的東西來灑醬”

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‎別灑醬了，我們受不了灑醬了！

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‎灑太多醬了！

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‎你要是不收汁這麼兇
‎也許就不用灑醬了！

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‎這道菜要吃兩個半鐘頭

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‎你吃到後來坐得屁股好痛
‎食物也沒比

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‎一碗彩虹穀片加百事可樂好吃

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‎帳單總在那夾本裡、帳單的小故事

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‎對，那個故事

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‎有一次你點了肋排，就是這個故事

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‎然後你跟朋友在街上

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‎“我覺得那道餐不…好吃嗎？”
‎大家都說“好棒”

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‎“對，我覺得沒那麼好吃
‎你覺得呢？”

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‎“很難吃對吧？那裡很爛”

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‎很多很棒的地方都很爛！

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‎然後你去看棒球吃了熱狗

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‎熱狗很冰冷

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‎麵包沒烤過

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‎賣的人是工作外出制度的前科犯

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‎你每次都愛點這種熱狗

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‎爛嗎？爛

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‎棒嗎？棒

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‎爛和棒就是這麼接近！

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‎“爛”和“棒”是現代人

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‎唯一剩下的兩個評價

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‎“我們去看那齣新電影，聽說很棒”

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‎“真的嗎？我聽說很爛”

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‎“為什麼爛？明明就應該很棒”

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‎“我聽說開頭很棒，但之後就很爛”

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‎“好爛喔”
‎“我知道，不然就很棒了”

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‎我認為“爛”和“棒”一模一樣

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‎你拿著甜筒冰淇淋走在街上

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‎冰淇淋掉在甜筒上

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‎掉在地上，爛

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‎結果你說什麼？
‎“太棒了”

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‎食物是好主題，我們來著墨一下

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‎因為我們幾個月前才去了賭城

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‎大家都說：“傑瑞，你得去自助餐

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‎他們有自助餐

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‎拜託，你在自助餐什麼都能吃”

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‎自助餐是什麼概念？

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‎“事情已經很糟了

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‎我們要怎麼把事情變更糟？

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‎我們何不把

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‎已經控制不了食量的人

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‎放進某種放蕩狂歡般的

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‎無止盡的人類消費？

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‎我們在入口裝巧克力糖漿滑水道”

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‎自助餐像帶狗去寵物店

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‎卻讓狗自己購物

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‎你在停車場把自己的皮包交給狗說

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‎“你何不進去看想買多少

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‎你想吃的狗食份量？

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‎用你的狗判斷力

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‎我在車裡等

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‎開點車窗讓我呼吸”

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‎人在沒人控管的飲食環境會不受控制

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‎沒人會進餐廳點：“我要吃優格百匯

193
00:11:06,248 --> 00:11:09,418
‎肋排、肉派、蟹腿
‎四塊餅乾和蛋白蛋餅”

194
00:11:11,921 --> 00:11:15,716
‎大家像在用這些盤子

195
00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:17,051
‎疊出死囚的最後一餐

196
00:11:18,552 --> 00:11:22,306
‎像他們所有情緒問題

197
00:11:22,390 --> 00:11:24,141
‎和個人困境的工作模型

198
00:11:24,350 --> 00:11:26,352
‎他們拖著盤子走動說

199
00:11:26,435 --> 00:11:28,104
‎“這就是我的問題

200
00:11:30,022 --> 00:11:32,316
‎沙拉上頭有一球冰淇淋

201
00:11:33,317 --> 00:11:34,985
‎我在自助餐要處理

202
00:11:35,069 --> 00:11:37,405
‎解決不了的問題”

203
00:11:39,615 --> 00:11:40,908
‎開始對陌生人搭話

204
00:11:40,991 --> 00:11:43,786
‎“不好意思，你這在哪裡拿的？
‎這是什麼？我沒看到

205
00:11:43,869 --> 00:11:46,205
‎這是什麼？焦糖雞腿？

206
00:11:46,288 --> 00:11:48,457
‎我想吃，給我，反正你知道在哪裡

207
00:11:48,541 --> 00:11:50,042
‎你可以去拿更多，來嘛！”

208
00:11:54,630 --> 00:11:55,464
‎我們…

209
00:11:56,215 --> 00:11:57,258
‎拜託

210
00:11:57,842 --> 00:12:00,344
‎請儘量跟緊大家

211
00:12:02,012 --> 00:12:03,889
‎我們還要遍覽各證物

212
00:12:03,973 --> 00:12:05,599
‎我不想接散客

213
00:12:09,228 --> 00:12:10,479
‎但我小時候

214
00:12:11,355 --> 00:12:13,649
‎我遇過最大的食物事件

215
00:12:13,733 --> 00:12:15,359
‎是他們發明果漿吐司餅乾那時

216
00:12:15,526 --> 00:12:18,195
‎我腦袋整個爆炸

217
00:12:20,156 --> 00:12:22,283
‎我們理解不了果漿吐司餅乾！

218
00:12:23,284 --> 00:12:24,660
‎太先進了啦！

219
00:12:26,704 --> 00:12:29,373
‎我們在超市看到果漿吐司餅乾
‎跟幽浮一樣

220
00:12:29,457 --> 00:12:33,043
‎我們則像在土裡玩木棍的猴群一樣

221
00:12:35,463 --> 00:12:37,131
‎吼叫、用手指著

222
00:12:37,214 --> 00:12:39,175
‎“果漿吐司餅乾來也”

223
00:12:41,886 --> 00:12:44,680
‎你得回想果漿吐司餅乾
‎是1960年代出現的

224
00:12:44,764 --> 00:12:46,390
‎我們那時只有吐司！

225
00:12:48,934 --> 00:12:51,729
‎我們只有預冰幾十年的橘子汁

226
00:12:51,812 --> 00:12:54,273
‎得用刀子砍！

227
00:12:56,525 --> 00:12:57,735
‎早餐根本像

228
00:12:57,818 --> 00:13:00,529
‎僅能榨出幾滴汁液的謀殺案

229
00:13:01,739 --> 00:13:02,990
‎我們那時只有磨碎小麥

230
00:13:03,073 --> 00:13:05,367
‎跟用碎木機磨嘴唇一樣

231
00:13:07,161 --> 00:13:08,037
‎吃完早餐後

232
00:13:08,120 --> 00:13:11,707
‎得花兩天等傷勢復原才能說話

233
00:13:12,708 --> 00:13:14,919
‎我媽媽做了麥粉粥，她卻對食譜不熟

234
00:13:15,002 --> 00:13:18,380
‎“媽，這道粥的水量很重要

235
00:13:20,549 --> 00:13:23,093
‎妳煮太濃了！

236
00:13:25,429 --> 00:13:27,973
‎我的兒童湯匙在碗裡攪拌不了！

237
00:13:30,184 --> 00:13:33,771
‎我七歲，感覺像在划希臘奴隸船

238
00:13:42,029 --> 00:13:43,197
‎這算早餐？”

239
00:13:44,657 --> 00:13:46,951
‎在這黑暗無助的時刻

240
00:13:47,409 --> 00:13:50,996
‎家樂氏果漿吐司餅乾
‎突然在密西根巴特溪出現

241
00:13:51,080 --> 00:13:52,832
‎你們這些穀片迷都知道

242
00:13:52,915 --> 00:13:55,000
‎這是家樂氏的總部所在地

243
00:13:55,084 --> 00:13:57,253
‎也是我總想造訪的城鎮

244
00:13:58,128 --> 00:14:00,756
‎因為那裡像穀片矽谷

245
00:14:01,757 --> 00:14:03,676
‎滿是早餐的超級科學家

246
00:14:04,009 --> 00:14:06,929
‎設計出有糖霜裝滿果醬
‎又能加熱的長方狀食品

247
00:14:07,012 --> 00:14:09,223
‎跟包裝的形狀一樣

248
00:14:09,849 --> 00:14:12,893
‎營養價值也跟包裝一樣

249
00:14:14,353 --> 00:14:15,604
‎這是最困難的部分

250
00:14:16,146 --> 00:14:19,483
‎我不知道他們花了多久發明
‎但他們出實驗室後

251
00:14:19,567 --> 00:14:21,902
‎一定很像摩西拿著十誡那兩塊石板

252
00:14:29,869 --> 00:14:31,412
‎“果漿吐司餅乾來也！

253
00:14:33,247 --> 00:14:34,748
‎包裝裡有兩塊！

254
00:14:37,418 --> 00:14:39,420
‎吐司機也有兩個槽！

255
00:14:41,839 --> 00:14:43,799
‎看你還能怎麼搞砸

256
00:14:45,843 --> 00:14:48,596
‎為什麼兩個？一個不夠，三個又太多

257
00:14:49,305 --> 00:14:52,558
‎也不會走味，因為本來就不新鮮”

258
00:14:59,565 --> 00:15:01,942
‎世上除了一切，還有什麼也很討厭？

259
00:15:03,527 --> 00:15:05,863
‎來談談你的獨裁裝置

260
00:15:05,946 --> 00:15:09,408
‎害你臣服畏懼的手機吧

261
00:15:09,491 --> 00:15:11,702
‎“我的手機！我手機在哪裡？
‎我找不到手機

262
00:15:11,785 --> 00:15:14,538
‎喔，在這裡，找到了
‎我手機在這裡”

263
00:15:14,622 --> 00:15:17,499
‎我沒…我從這個口袋換到那個口袋了

264
00:15:17,917 --> 00:15:19,793
‎我有一秒不知道手機跑哪去了

265
00:15:19,877 --> 00:15:21,545
‎我沒事了，好可怕

266
00:15:23,297 --> 00:15:27,968
‎你被手機催眠了，你把手機拿給人

267
00:15:28,052 --> 00:15:29,386
‎讓他們看東西

268
00:15:29,470 --> 00:15:30,804
‎你兩秒後就說

269
00:15:31,055 --> 00:15:33,474
‎“好，還給我

270
00:15:33,933 --> 00:15:36,310
‎你看完了，就這樣，還我

271
00:15:36,685 --> 00:15:39,188
‎我們手機就像斷電了”

272
00:15:41,440 --> 00:15:43,025
‎電量要是變低

273
00:15:43,651 --> 00:15:46,737
‎你就會覺得全身沒電了，對吧？

274
00:15:46,946 --> 00:15:50,532
‎手機電量要是只剩10或5%，我就好累

275
00:15:50,616 --> 00:15:51,659
‎我連走都走不動

276
00:15:52,868 --> 00:15:55,788
‎“你們先走吧，我得找充電器”

277
00:15:58,707 --> 00:16:00,000
‎電話打來說：“聽著

278
00:16:00,084 --> 00:16:02,461
‎我不知道自己剩下多少時間

279
00:16:03,837 --> 00:16:06,674
‎真希望我能收回自己說過的話

280
00:16:08,050 --> 00:16:09,468
‎我要是在街頭斷電

281
00:16:09,551 --> 00:16:12,554
‎告訴大家，我明天再跟大家說話”

282
00:16:22,731 --> 00:16:24,900
‎“我得跟人保持聯絡，傑瑞

283
00:16:24,984 --> 00:16:26,986
‎所以手機對我才這麼重要

284
00:16:27,319 --> 00:16:29,279
‎人也很重要，你知道的”

285
00:16:29,822 --> 00:16:31,323
‎真的嗎？人看起來沒那麼重要

286
00:16:31,407 --> 00:16:33,867
‎你在手機通訊錄裡瀏覽他們的名字

287
00:16:33,951 --> 00:16:35,536
‎就跟同性戀法國國王一樣

288
00:16:40,499 --> 00:16:42,918
‎“誰今天能取悅我？

289
00:16:46,005 --> 00:16:47,423
‎我今天要臨幸誰？

290
00:16:47,506 --> 00:16:49,591
‎我該刪除誰？”

291
00:16:54,096 --> 00:16:57,016
‎我們跟手機分不開

292
00:16:57,099 --> 00:16:58,976
‎手機是我們的一部分

293
00:16:59,309 --> 00:17:01,603
‎誰沒有手機啊？

294
00:17:01,687 --> 00:17:04,189
‎那你能有什麼知識？

295
00:17:04,606 --> 00:17:06,108
‎只有你記得住的東西啊

296
00:17:08,527 --> 00:17:13,365
‎你沒有相片怎麼辦？
‎你要描述自己看過的東西嗎？

297
00:17:15,951 --> 00:17:18,662
‎這樣不適合我們

298
00:17:19,496 --> 00:17:23,000
‎我們不想跟沒手機的人說話

299
00:17:23,667 --> 00:17:25,127
‎所以這才叫iPhone

300
00:17:25,210 --> 00:17:27,129
‎一半是我，一半是手機

301
00:17:27,254 --> 00:17:28,881
‎這樣才算完整的人

302
00:17:31,300 --> 00:17:33,469
‎我不懂人類有沒有存在的必要了

303
00:17:33,552 --> 00:17:35,220
‎我認為人類唯一存在的理由

304
00:17:35,304 --> 00:17:37,806
‎是因為手機需要口袋趴趴走

305
00:17:39,600 --> 00:17:42,227
‎我本來以為優步在我手機上
‎是要讓我趴趴走

306
00:17:42,311 --> 00:17:44,438
‎然後我開始想，也許手機上有優步

307
00:17:44,521 --> 00:17:45,981
‎是因為這樣能讓我帶著手機

308
00:17:46,065 --> 00:17:48,317
‎因為手機在利用我趴趴走

309
00:17:49,318 --> 00:17:52,488
‎這整個賣淫圈的優步是誰？

310
00:17:53,614 --> 00:17:55,699
‎我是拿著手機跑的小馬夫

311
00:17:57,993 --> 00:17:59,078
‎車輛是妓女

312
00:17:59,161 --> 00:18:01,497
‎整晚在路上接客

313
00:18:01,830 --> 00:18:03,665
‎手機才是皮條客

314
00:18:03,749 --> 00:18:05,876
‎告訴駕駛說：“我叫你接誰，你就接

315
00:18:05,959 --> 00:18:07,211
‎錢我來處理”

316
00:18:13,133 --> 00:18:15,761
‎我們叫這手機，卻不把手機當電話用

317
00:18:15,844 --> 00:18:18,305
‎沒人用手機講電話了

318
00:18:19,515 --> 00:18:20,891
‎他們一給你選擇

319
00:18:20,974 --> 00:18:22,851
‎說話或打字，說話就在那天終結了

320
00:18:22,935 --> 00:18:24,019
‎結束了

321
00:18:24,728 --> 00:18:26,939
‎說話過時了

322
00:18:27,022 --> 00:18:30,567
‎老實說，我在台上有時自覺像個鐵匠

323
00:18:31,443 --> 00:18:34,696
‎我這套特輯能用簡訊傳給你們
‎我們走吧

324
00:18:39,284 --> 00:18:42,246
‎我要是能從乾淨的螢幕上獲得資訊

325
00:18:42,329 --> 00:18:44,206
‎那我幹嘛看臉找資訊？

326
00:18:44,540 --> 00:18:46,917
‎你們不覺得不自在嗎？臉龐衝著你說

327
00:18:47,000 --> 00:18:49,670
‎“我就告訴我，我覺得你該怎麼做”

328
00:18:50,003 --> 00:18:52,965
‎他們的嘴唇和牙齒和牙齦和…

329
00:18:53,549 --> 00:18:56,802
‎他們有沒刮到的胡渣
‎有片渣、有點黏稠物

330
00:18:56,885 --> 00:18:59,221
‎他們齒間還有午餐的殘渣

331
00:18:59,304 --> 00:19:01,348
‎“寄電子郵件給我就好，好嗎？

332
00:19:01,431 --> 00:19:02,808
‎我受不了了

333
00:19:04,518 --> 00:19:07,062
‎你的臉是我今天看過最糟的新聞”

334
00:19:10,315 --> 00:19:12,943
‎我們只想傳簡訊！

335
00:19:14,361 --> 00:19:17,698
‎我們喜歡這個詞“傳簡訊！”
‎說出來好有趣，有種…

336
00:19:18,323 --> 00:19:20,951
‎簡短、俐落、還有個重音和穿透力

337
00:19:21,034 --> 00:19:23,328
‎“傳簡訊！簡訊！”

338
00:19:23,704 --> 00:19:25,622
‎“別…我不知道在哪裡

339
00:19:26,081 --> 00:19:28,709
‎別用說的！用傳簡訊的！別說！”

340
00:19:31,628 --> 00:19:33,422
‎你們記得第一次收到簡訊嗎？

341
00:19:34,798 --> 00:19:36,884
‎不太記得吧

342
00:19:37,467 --> 00:19:38,594
‎我也不記得

343
00:19:38,677 --> 00:19:40,345
‎我們只知道自己會傳簡訊

344
00:19:40,971 --> 00:19:42,806
‎我知道原本沒有簡訊

345
00:19:43,599 --> 00:19:46,143
‎我不知道怎麼開始傳簡訊的
‎我不記得…

346
00:19:46,935 --> 00:19:49,354
‎他們有說我們會收到簡訊嗎？這…

347
00:19:50,105 --> 00:19:52,482
‎有公告說我們會收到簡訊嗎？

348
00:19:53,984 --> 00:19:56,695
‎沒有廣告，我不記得看過廣告

349
00:19:57,321 --> 00:20:00,574
‎“想要有人際接觸，但又受夠了嗎？

350
00:20:00,657 --> 00:20:01,783
‎那就傳簡訊吧

351
00:20:03,243 --> 00:20:04,995
‎想告訴別人資訊

352
00:20:05,078 --> 00:20:08,040
‎但不想聽他們愚蠢的聲音回覆嗎？

353
00:20:09,625 --> 00:20:11,251
‎你就該利用簡訊”

354
00:20:13,128 --> 00:20:14,796
‎我們喜歡簡訊，又快又有效率

355
00:20:15,214 --> 00:20:17,132
‎不過對某些人而言不夠快

356
00:20:17,216 --> 00:20:20,594
‎有些人不打“OK”，他們只打“K”

357
00:20:20,969 --> 00:20:21,970
‎連“O”都不用了

358
00:20:22,054 --> 00:20:26,058
‎什麼？你省了幾毫秒啊？

359
00:20:27,517 --> 00:20:28,560
‎你以為這樣有效率？

360
00:20:28,644 --> 00:20:29,686
‎這樣省下多少時間？

361
00:20:29,770 --> 00:20:31,730
‎一天兩分鐘

362
00:20:31,813 --> 00:20:33,941
‎讓你有時間看YouTube影片的

363
00:20:34,024 --> 00:20:35,734
‎滑板人士蛋蛋撞上欄杆？

364
00:20:37,778 --> 00:20:41,531
‎某天有人傳簡訊“謝”給我
‎而不是“謝謝你”

365
00:20:41,615 --> 00:20:43,992
‎我要把你的蛋蛋撞上欄杆，“謝”先生

366
00:20:44,952 --> 00:20:46,453
‎這可不是“謝謝你”喔

367
00:20:48,330 --> 00:20:49,915
‎我們急著想看到下一則簡訊

368
00:20:49,998 --> 00:20:51,708
‎他們設計了那三顆鬼點

369
00:20:51,792 --> 00:20:52,751
‎預告下一則要來了

370
00:20:52,834 --> 00:20:55,837
‎“喔，我們準備了好玩的，等著看吧

371
00:20:57,130 --> 00:20:59,967
‎你猜不到這傢伙會說什麼的”

372
00:21:01,885 --> 00:21:03,387
‎我還不能讓你看

373
00:21:03,470 --> 00:21:05,931
‎我們的簡訊機器還在努力

374
00:21:06,014 --> 00:21:07,683
‎但這則簡訊會很棒的

375
00:21:07,766 --> 00:21:09,559
‎你看得到活塞在運作了

376
00:21:12,604 --> 00:21:15,274
‎有時候會看到鬼點，但沒下一則簡訊

377
00:21:15,357 --> 00:21:16,483
‎發生什麼事了？

378
00:21:18,986 --> 00:21:20,487
‎我想知道那則簡訊是什麼

379
00:21:20,821 --> 00:21:23,031
‎是不是像某人走向你這樣說

380
00:21:23,532 --> 00:21:24,408
‎“算了”

381
00:21:36,420 --> 00:21:38,130
‎手機越變越聰明

382
00:21:39,506 --> 00:21:40,424
‎人為何沒變聰明？

383
00:21:42,217 --> 00:21:45,679
‎語音信箱的人
‎為什麼還是叫我等嗶聲？

384
00:21:46,346 --> 00:21:48,473
‎現在是天殺的21世紀了

385
00:21:49,224 --> 00:21:51,601
‎我們清楚嗶聲該怎麼用了

386
00:21:52,644 --> 00:21:56,898
‎非洲平原的馬賽族也懂嗶聲

387
00:21:57,232 --> 00:21:58,942
‎他們不會急著留語音，要等聽到…

388
00:22:03,697 --> 00:22:07,617
‎為什麼語音信箱
‎還是要叫我留姓名電話？

389
00:22:07,701 --> 00:22:10,120
‎誰需要這種指示嗎？

390
00:22:10,203 --> 00:22:13,749
‎有人會接過語音說
‎“我是女的，再見”嗎？

391
00:22:21,590 --> 00:22:23,884
‎或：“他死了，回電給我”
‎“那是誰？”

392
00:22:29,431 --> 00:22:31,975
‎那手機的相機呢？

393
00:22:32,059 --> 00:22:34,895
‎我總納悶…他們做這種東西前

394
00:22:34,978 --> 00:22:36,104
‎他們有沒有站著說

395
00:22:36,188 --> 00:22:38,607
‎“喂，你確定這是好主意嗎？

396
00:22:39,274 --> 00:22:40,984
‎你不認為這個功能

397
00:22:41,068 --> 00:22:43,195
‎會造成很多相片

398
00:22:43,278 --> 00:22:45,405
‎影片、張貼、評論、和回嗆

399
00:22:45,489 --> 00:22:48,575
‎整個人類的生命力

400
00:22:48,658 --> 00:22:51,036
‎就會跟路邊的尿一樣流失嗎？

401
00:22:57,250 --> 00:23:00,087
‎你不認為這功能會造成這堆事？”

402
00:23:00,837 --> 00:23:01,755
‎“不會

403
00:23:02,464 --> 00:23:06,176
‎我也猜不到餐廳晚餐都會淪落到
‎有個照片惡霸說

404
00:23:06,259 --> 00:23:08,095
‎好，各位，拍照時間到

405
00:23:08,678 --> 00:23:09,888
‎快點

406
00:23:10,764 --> 00:23:12,432
‎大家來拍照”

407
00:23:13,975 --> 00:23:16,728
‎“為什麼？我們又不開心
‎我又不想記住”

408
00:23:18,146 --> 00:23:20,941
‎記得找這整個區域對手機最不熟的人

409
00:23:21,024 --> 00:23:22,818
‎來拍照

410
00:23:23,193 --> 00:23:26,488
‎年老緊張笨拙混亂或很傻的人

411
00:23:27,489 --> 00:23:30,909
‎拿不住東西、看不到
‎瞄準不了、不會按東西的人

412
00:23:31,743 --> 00:23:33,829
‎一拿到手機

413
00:23:33,912 --> 00:23:36,790
‎就會按到其他模式
‎又回不了照相模式的人

414
00:23:38,583 --> 00:23:41,420
‎“我不知道，有沒有人…我不…

415
00:23:42,462 --> 00:23:43,797
‎誰知道怎麼…”

416
00:23:44,631 --> 00:23:47,259
‎我們找這個人，好讓我們站更久

417
00:23:47,342 --> 00:23:49,678
‎帶著凍僵的假微笑，手臂繞著

418
00:23:49,761 --> 00:23:52,347
‎其他社交活動永遠不會碰的人

419
00:23:54,433 --> 00:23:55,767
‎我們都照片中毒了

420
00:23:57,102 --> 00:24:00,147
‎這股癮頭擋不了
‎我有時候真想回到折疊手機

421
00:24:00,230 --> 00:24:03,316
‎我在電視上看過那種老人專用手機

422
00:24:03,400 --> 00:24:05,652
‎有跟壁磚一樣大的按鈕

423
00:24:05,735 --> 00:24:07,028
‎你們有看過那支廣告嗎？

424
00:24:07,737 --> 00:24:11,199
‎老人專用機只有兩個按鈕
‎你的孩子和救護車

425
00:24:11,283 --> 00:24:12,117
‎就這樣

426
00:24:14,578 --> 00:24:16,997
‎不用號碼了，你不需要號碼

427
00:24:21,251 --> 00:24:23,879
‎我們何不更新科技界

428
00:24:23,962 --> 00:24:25,755
‎使用的這些詞彙，例如“電子郵件”

429
00:24:25,839 --> 00:24:29,134
‎“電子郵件”詞裡為什麼有“郵件”？

430
00:24:29,301 --> 00:24:31,094
‎電子郵件和

431
00:24:31,178 --> 00:24:34,139
‎郵政服務的鬼東西有相似處嗎？

432
00:24:35,140 --> 00:24:38,143
‎一個是數位光纖高速網路

433
00:24:38,226 --> 00:24:40,020
‎另一個癡呆又混亂

434
00:24:40,103 --> 00:24:42,856
‎像幼童軍的遠支出遊

435
00:24:45,150 --> 00:24:48,111
‎穿著超糗短褲笨手笨腳逛大街

436
00:24:48,195 --> 00:24:51,406
‎掛著無意義徽章和勝利勳章的夾克

437
00:24:55,911 --> 00:24:58,497
‎開車時速6公里，一次開6公里

438
00:24:58,580 --> 00:25:01,208
‎智障吉普車開錯邊

439
00:25:02,667 --> 00:25:04,002
‎每三年半總是有

440
00:25:04,085 --> 00:25:06,588
‎情緒化的財務危機

441
00:25:06,671 --> 00:25:10,592
‎他們從1630年的商業模式不再奏效

442
00:25:12,928 --> 00:25:14,971
‎“我們要怎麼跟得上？”

443
00:25:16,556 --> 00:25:20,310
‎我不懂21世紀的資訊系統

444
00:25:20,393 --> 00:25:23,230
‎基礎竟會是舔郵票、走路

445
00:25:23,939 --> 00:25:26,107
‎和隨機數量的一分錢硬幣

446
00:25:26,399 --> 00:25:28,985
‎根本競爭不了

447
00:25:31,029 --> 00:25:35,116
‎他們總把郵政局長逼上電視解釋困境

448
00:25:35,200 --> 00:25:37,410
‎他六神無主，還有黑眼圈

449
00:25:37,494 --> 00:25:39,371
‎沒刮鬍子，整晚沒睡

450
00:25:39,829 --> 00:25:42,123
‎“我們經營不下去了

451
00:25:43,708 --> 00:25:46,127
‎看來我們的郵票

452
00:25:46,211 --> 00:25:47,254
‎得增加一分錢了！”

453
00:25:52,968 --> 00:25:54,594
‎我們都坐著說：“不，老兄，放鬆

454
00:25:54,678 --> 00:25:57,013
‎我們反正也不清楚郵票多少錢

455
00:25:58,890 --> 00:26:02,811
‎48、53、61…一塊錢好了
‎反正也會漲得上去

456
00:26:04,479 --> 00:26:06,439
‎你要是有錢剩下

457
00:26:06,523 --> 00:26:08,608
‎替自己買幾件褲子和真正的車子吧”

458
00:26:11,152 --> 00:26:13,655
‎我想對郵政服務說

459
00:26:14,322 --> 00:26:17,284
‎“你們要是真的想幫忙

460
00:26:17,492 --> 00:26:18,910
‎就打開郵件

461
00:26:19,119 --> 00:26:22,330
‎讀郵件、然後把
‎內容用電子郵件寄給寄件對象！

462
00:26:31,840 --> 00:26:34,050
‎你每做一次，我們就給你一分錢

463
00:26:35,135 --> 00:26:38,763
‎因為一分錢
‎在你的世界好像值很多錢”

464
00:26:41,766 --> 00:26:43,018
‎但我們都是人類

465
00:26:44,894 --> 00:26:45,770
‎人類

466
00:26:47,105 --> 00:26:50,191
‎我們看得出來，人類是社交動物

467
00:26:51,067 --> 00:26:52,652
‎我們喜歡群聚

468
00:26:53,153 --> 00:26:56,656
‎群集、並參與

469
00:26:57,616 --> 00:26:59,159
‎我們都住在紐約市

470
00:26:59,826 --> 00:27:01,286
‎這沒有道理

471
00:27:02,412 --> 00:27:04,539
‎你要是把飛機開離紐約市

472
00:27:04,623 --> 00:27:06,625
‎往下看紐約

473
00:27:06,708 --> 00:27:09,210
‎你看到城周邊有什麼？

474
00:27:09,628 --> 00:27:12,631
‎只有空曠美麗的綿延土地

475
00:27:13,214 --> 00:27:14,507
‎根本沒有人！

476
00:27:15,467 --> 00:27:17,552
‎“我們都擠在一起吧！”

477
00:27:18,678 --> 00:27:22,098
‎很不自在地堆疊在一起
‎交通、擁擠！

478
00:27:23,141 --> 00:27:24,643
‎我們就喜歡這樣！

479
00:27:26,144 --> 00:27:28,605
‎人類喜歡聚在一起

480
00:27:28,855 --> 00:27:32,484
‎因為我們這樣比較容易批評

481
00:27:34,778 --> 00:27:38,156
‎大家的個性和人類的活動

482
00:27:38,406 --> 00:27:42,494
‎我們喜歡提出想法、評論、和意見

483
00:27:42,661 --> 00:27:44,663
‎我們有時候也會把意見用光光

484
00:27:44,788 --> 00:27:45,830
‎我們會編造意見

485
00:27:47,123 --> 00:27:48,166
‎“這就是這樣啊”

486
00:27:48,249 --> 00:27:52,003
‎現在很多人愛這樣說

487
00:27:52,087 --> 00:27:54,673
‎一定有哪個白癡今天這樣對你說過

488
00:27:55,340 --> 00:27:57,550
‎每天一定都有人說

489
00:27:57,634 --> 00:28:00,053
‎“這就是這樣啊”

490
00:28:01,471 --> 00:28:04,349
‎你為什麼還活著？

491
00:28:07,310 --> 00:28:12,273
‎用無意義聲音的空字句填滿空間？

492
00:28:13,149 --> 00:28:16,528
‎我寧願某人對我臉吹氣

493
00:28:16,611 --> 00:28:19,406
‎也不要對方再說一次：
‎“這就是這樣啊”

494
00:28:19,864 --> 00:28:21,282
‎對我說

495
00:28:25,161 --> 00:28:27,205
‎因為吹氣也有一樣的資訊！

496
00:28:29,249 --> 00:28:31,418
‎現在大家很愛說：“這就是這樣啊”

497
00:28:31,501 --> 00:28:34,379
‎你要是句子裡把字眼重複兩次

498
00:28:34,462 --> 00:28:36,089
‎你就能很有自信地說出口

499
00:28:36,172 --> 00:28:37,716
‎“公事公辦”

500
00:28:39,426 --> 00:28:40,635
‎“規距就是規矩”

501
00:28:42,929 --> 00:28:43,930
‎“說好就說好了”

502
00:28:44,931 --> 00:28:45,849
‎“等我們進去

503
00:28:45,932 --> 00:28:48,184
‎只要我們知道什麼是什麼，誰是誰

504
00:28:48,685 --> 00:28:51,146
‎該發生的總會發生
‎這就是這樣啊”

505
00:29:02,449 --> 00:29:05,368
‎我們也愛說安撫自己的話

506
00:29:06,161 --> 00:29:08,913
‎“起碼他死時做著熱愛的事”

507
00:29:10,123 --> 00:29:11,416
‎對，好…

508
00:29:12,333 --> 00:29:14,127
‎但他不能繼續做了

509
00:29:16,838 --> 00:29:20,091
‎也不清楚他是不是還會熱愛這件事

510
00:29:21,509 --> 00:29:23,511
‎因為結果很負面

511
00:29:25,180 --> 00:29:27,098
‎我寧願做痛恨的事時死掉

512
00:29:27,182 --> 00:29:29,559
‎像是清理一整排戶外流動廁所

513
00:29:31,519 --> 00:29:34,439
‎胸口一緊、丟掉馬桶刷
‎倒下去然後死掉

514
00:29:34,564 --> 00:29:36,691
‎“太棒了，起碼我不用再清了”

515
00:29:45,074 --> 00:29:46,701
‎你要是有機會

516
00:29:46,785 --> 00:29:50,997
‎使用這種塑膠戶外的公用流動廁所

517
00:29:51,080 --> 00:29:54,918
‎這跟你這輩子去過的地方都不一樣

518
00:29:55,001 --> 00:29:57,629
‎你出來之後也會有點不一樣

519
00:29:58,379 --> 00:30:00,590
‎你會被震撼到，像個戰鬥退伍軍人

520
00:30:00,673 --> 00:30:02,759
‎或在創傷中心工作的人

521
00:30:03,635 --> 00:30:05,595
‎“你還好嗎？”
‎“對，不，我沒事

522
00:30:07,013 --> 00:30:09,098
‎我只需要一點時間，我會沒事的

523
00:30:10,225 --> 00:30:11,351
‎我要走一走

524
00:30:11,434 --> 00:30:13,770
‎我要想想…我的人生

525
00:30:13,853 --> 00:30:17,273
‎我的人生好像沒照預想的方向走”

526
00:30:18,733 --> 00:30:22,654
‎對了，別跟從流動廁所出來說

527
00:30:22,987 --> 00:30:25,031
‎“裡面沒那麼糟”的人結婚

528
00:30:29,244 --> 00:30:30,954
‎別跟這種人結婚

529
00:30:31,746 --> 00:30:33,623
‎你有很多很棒的特質

530
00:30:33,706 --> 00:30:35,500
‎你會遇到某人的

531
00:30:35,792 --> 00:30:38,378
‎別將就這種程度的人

532
00:30:40,421 --> 00:30:42,507
‎因為這些廁所很常用到

533
00:30:42,590 --> 00:30:45,885
‎我總認為這種廁所門的彈簧緊度

534
00:30:46,094 --> 00:30:49,138
‎比我想像得還要鬆

535
00:30:50,139 --> 00:30:52,392
‎門很好打開，很歡迎人

536
00:30:52,475 --> 00:30:54,561
‎“請進，我們有東西要給你”

537
00:30:55,770 --> 00:30:58,982
‎這裡能讓你解放，但交換條件是

538
00:30:59,065 --> 00:31:01,025
‎會讓你接下來一年半每一晚

539
00:31:01,109 --> 00:31:03,069
‎都會因創傷後壓力症候群

540
00:31:04,237 --> 00:31:05,697
‎在夢裡抽搐的心理畫面

541
00:31:07,031 --> 00:31:09,868
‎流動廁所彈簧門

542
00:31:12,120 --> 00:31:14,747
‎我不知道這怎麼算廁所

543
00:31:14,831 --> 00:31:15,748
‎這又不是廁…

544
00:31:15,832 --> 00:31:18,501
‎你只是蹲在有箱子的洞上面拉屎

545
00:31:19,419 --> 00:31:20,670
‎好像野獸！

546
00:31:21,838 --> 00:31:23,298
‎跟鬣狗一樣！

547
00:31:24,507 --> 00:31:27,510
‎你知道你的狗在草地上拉屎後

548
00:31:27,594 --> 00:31:29,262
‎牠們會做的那個動作嗎？

549
00:31:30,054 --> 00:31:32,849
‎你用了流動廁所後也會想這樣做

550
00:31:34,058 --> 00:31:35,059
‎“你幹嘛這樣做？”

551
00:31:35,143 --> 00:31:38,354
‎“我只想忘掉剛剛那幾分鐘，就這樣”

552
00:31:40,899 --> 00:31:43,026
‎你們這群觀眾真棒，我很開心

553
00:31:43,109 --> 00:31:45,111
‎感謝大家到場

554
00:31:48,156 --> 00:31:49,866
‎-傑瑞！
‎-老兄

555
00:31:52,410 --> 00:31:53,244
‎好

556
00:31:53,328 --> 00:31:56,915
‎我們這個美好時光現在要換檔一下

557
00:31:57,332 --> 00:32:00,293
‎剛剛那些是我在外頭看到的東西

558
00:32:00,376 --> 00:32:03,212
‎我現在要帶大家進入傑瑞的小世界

559
00:32:03,588 --> 00:32:08,968
‎讓大家看看我個人生活有什麼

560
00:32:09,052 --> 00:32:12,472
‎首先，我要給大家基本數字
‎人人都愛數字

561
00:32:12,555 --> 00:32:14,724
‎我65歲了

562
00:32:14,807 --> 00:32:17,936
‎我對這個數字的

563
00:32:18,311 --> 00:32:19,479
‎驚嚇值道歉

564
00:32:19,562 --> 00:32:22,148
‎我結婚19年了

565
00:32:22,231 --> 00:32:23,650
‎我有三個孩子

566
00:32:23,942 --> 00:32:26,569
‎我的老大是女兒，我有兩個兒子

567
00:32:26,653 --> 00:32:28,655
‎我很愛自己60多歲的生活

568
00:32:28,738 --> 00:32:31,491
‎這是我目前為止最愛的
‎人類生活十年精華

569
00:32:31,574 --> 00:32:34,369
‎你60多歲時，大家要你做什麼

570
00:32:34,452 --> 00:32:35,578
‎你可以直接拒絕

571
00:32:40,375 --> 00:32:43,169
‎沒有理由、沒有藉口、不用解釋

572
00:32:44,379 --> 00:32:47,131
‎我等不及變70多歲了
‎我連答都不會答

573
00:32:50,426 --> 00:32:53,471
‎我看過這種人
‎你70多歲只要揮手就好

574
00:32:53,805 --> 00:32:56,224
‎“喂，你想去跳蚤市場嗎？”

575
00:33:06,484 --> 00:33:08,027
‎我喜歡這段時光

576
00:33:08,945 --> 00:33:09,988
‎很放鬆

577
00:33:10,530 --> 00:33:14,242
‎我不想長大、我不想改變
‎我不想改進

578
00:33:14,325 --> 00:33:16,703
‎我不想增進自己的興趣

579
00:33:16,786 --> 00:33:19,998
‎我不想認識新人、或學不知道的東西

580
00:33:22,375 --> 00:33:24,460
‎我在餐廳也不說謊了

581
00:33:24,544 --> 00:33:26,754
‎“食物怎樣？”
‎“我不喜歡這裡”

582
00:33:31,300 --> 00:33:33,261
‎“你要帳單嗎？”
‎“我要起訴你

583
00:33:33,344 --> 00:33:34,387
‎太爛了”

584
00:33:37,640 --> 00:33:41,310
‎我不喜歡轉身，我要是在街上走

585
00:33:41,394 --> 00:33:43,187
‎“傑瑞，你看看，你得看看這個”

586
00:33:43,271 --> 00:33:45,523
‎我不喜歡做這個動作了

587
00:33:45,606 --> 00:33:46,899
‎我不想這樣做

588
00:33:46,983 --> 00:33:47,984
‎“你得看看這個”

589
00:33:48,067 --> 00:33:49,068
‎“我不同意”

590
00:33:50,903 --> 00:33:52,822
‎我不覺得老、也不覺得累

591
00:33:52,905 --> 00:33:54,657
‎我只是見識過太多事了

592
00:33:55,283 --> 00:33:57,368
‎等我走回來，我就可以正面看到

593
00:33:57,452 --> 00:33:58,286
‎這樣可以吧？

594
00:33:59,537 --> 00:34:00,496
‎或是我就不看

595
00:34:00,580 --> 00:34:01,456
‎我可以上網查

596
00:34:01,539 --> 00:34:02,457
‎或我也可以假定

597
00:34:02,540 --> 00:34:05,293
‎這跟我看過的東西很像

598
00:34:08,171 --> 00:34:10,006
‎我這年紀很多人愛列生前待辦清單

599
00:34:10,089 --> 00:34:11,090
‎我列了生前待辦清單

600
00:34:11,174 --> 00:34:13,634
‎我改說生前“不”辦清單
‎這樣也可以

601
00:34:19,849 --> 00:34:21,851
‎我只希望你有這個選擇

602
00:34:22,351 --> 00:34:24,729
‎你可以做清單上所有的事

603
00:34:24,979 --> 00:34:26,606
‎或是改個字

604
00:34:26,689 --> 00:34:28,399
‎你就能坐在沙發上看球賽

605
00:34:31,110 --> 00:34:34,614
‎我很晚婚，我那時45歲
‎因為我有點問題

606
00:34:36,282 --> 00:34:39,035
‎我記得那時很喜歡那些問題

607
00:34:40,578 --> 00:34:43,956
‎我單身時有已婚朋友
‎我不去他們家的

608
00:34:44,749 --> 00:34:47,627
‎我認為已婚人士的人生可悲又壓抑

609
00:34:48,544 --> 00:34:50,797
‎我婚後就沒有單身朋友了

610
00:34:51,380 --> 00:34:54,509
‎我認為他們的人生既無意義又瑣碎

611
00:34:55,009 --> 00:34:57,220
‎我認為我這兩階段的觀點都沒錯

612
00:34:59,013 --> 00:35:01,057
‎不管你結婚了沒有

613
00:35:01,140 --> 00:35:03,601
‎你都不懂另一國的人在幹嘛

614
00:35:04,102 --> 00:35:05,520
‎我沒辦法跟單身男出遊

615
00:35:05,603 --> 00:35:07,855
‎你們沒有太太，我們沒什麼好談的

616
00:35:08,106 --> 00:35:10,817
‎你有女朋友？這等於是威浮球，朋友

617
00:35:12,527 --> 00:35:13,986
‎你打的是漆彈仗

618
00:35:14,070 --> 00:35:16,405
‎我則是在阿富汗真槍實彈

619
00:35:20,868 --> 00:35:24,455
‎已婚男子都用真槍實彈的

620
00:35:26,290 --> 00:35:27,708
‎這可不是演習

621
00:35:29,836 --> 00:35:33,089
‎單身男騎旋轉木馬吹風車

622
00:35:34,799 --> 00:35:37,552
‎我則開著載滿
‎硝化甘油的卡車上泥巴路

623
00:35:45,101 --> 00:35:46,769
‎今晚單身的男子，看著我說

624
00:35:46,853 --> 00:35:49,147
‎“喂，傑瑞，我要是
‎想跟你一樣結婚要怎麼做？

625
00:35:49,230 --> 00:35:51,649
‎我想要結婚要有什麼？”

626
00:35:52,024 --> 00:35:54,610
‎告訴你，你最好要備好答案

627
00:35:55,444 --> 00:35:57,697
‎你最好要有能應付那位女士的答案

628
00:35:58,531 --> 00:36:00,616
‎女人有很多問題的

629
00:36:01,617 --> 00:36:03,035
‎她們的腦袋很厲害

630
00:36:03,327 --> 00:36:05,621
‎她們的腦袋很活躍又時時保持警戒

631
00:36:07,039 --> 00:36:08,749
‎你在睡覺，她就在做研究

632
00:36:15,798 --> 00:36:18,134
‎女性的腦袋時刻都在運作

633
00:36:20,344 --> 00:36:22,180
‎女性的腦袋是生物界

634
00:36:22,263 --> 00:36:24,974
‎最能幹、最有能力的器官

635
00:36:25,057 --> 00:36:26,058
‎女性力量

636
00:36:28,519 --> 00:36:29,812
‎天殺的沒錯

637
00:36:30,146 --> 00:36:32,690
‎女性的腦袋什麼都辦得到

638
00:36:33,107 --> 00:36:36,485
‎女性的腦袋能解決世上

639
00:36:36,569 --> 00:36:37,945
‎和生物界所有問題

640
00:36:38,029 --> 00:36:39,614
‎因為什麼都解決了

641
00:36:39,697 --> 00:36:41,532
‎女性腦袋就會切換到假設層面

642
00:36:50,249 --> 00:36:52,251
‎理論上的狀況

643
00:36:53,252 --> 00:36:55,129
‎可能會或不會發生的狀況

644
00:36:58,341 --> 00:37:03,429
‎女性需要知道你可能怎麼回應

645
00:37:07,433 --> 00:37:10,353
‎“你要是裝死被我知道

646
00:37:10,436 --> 00:37:12,188
‎你會說什麼？”

647
00:37:18,110 --> 00:37:19,779
‎“你在說什麼？”

648
00:37:22,240 --> 00:37:25,201
‎“我昨晚夢到這整件事，別否認”

649
00:37:29,622 --> 00:37:31,332
‎結婚就跟上遊戲節目一樣

650
00:37:31,415 --> 00:37:33,167
‎每次都是搶答回合

651
00:37:34,710 --> 00:37:37,964
‎我去買了遊戲節目講台立在客廳

652
00:37:38,047 --> 00:37:40,925
‎我早上醒來站在講台後

653
00:37:41,050 --> 00:37:44,553
‎想回答太太所有問題
‎再開啟忙碌的一天

654
00:37:46,847 --> 00:37:48,349
‎我有個手動按鈕

655
00:37:48,808 --> 00:37:51,686
‎“我要答200分
‎‘我們好像一起看過的電影’項目”

656
00:37:54,605 --> 00:37:57,775
‎當然了，我太太是上週回籠冠軍

657
00:37:58,818 --> 00:38:00,861
‎她說：“我要答‘我們八年前凌晨3點

658
00:38:00,945 --> 00:38:03,489
‎十分鐘對話細節’項目

659
00:38:08,536 --> 00:38:11,455
‎我要賭上全部的分數，主持人

660
00:38:14,417 --> 00:38:16,127
‎我會賭贏的”

661
00:38:17,336 --> 00:38:19,046
‎丈夫當然一點頭緒也沒有

662
00:38:19,130 --> 00:38:22,383
‎“抱歉，先生，你沒贏週末做愛套餐

663
00:38:23,634 --> 00:38:26,220
‎或無罪惡感電視運動

664
00:38:27,471 --> 00:38:30,766
‎感謝您的參與，你有在聽我說嗎？

665
00:38:32,268 --> 00:38:34,103
‎你出門別忘了

666
00:38:34,186 --> 00:38:35,229
‎把那袋垃圾帶出去

667
00:38:35,813 --> 00:38:36,939
‎這間攝影棚”

668
00:38:46,324 --> 00:38:49,702
‎我婚前不知道一件事

669
00:38:49,785 --> 00:38:51,495
‎我要到婚後才知道

670
00:38:51,579 --> 00:38:53,247
‎我婚後每天的生活

671
00:38:53,331 --> 00:38:55,875
‎我都得討論自己的音調

672
00:38:58,919 --> 00:39:00,713
‎我單身時並不清楚

673
00:39:00,796 --> 00:39:04,592
‎自己常用不正確的音調說話

674
00:39:07,136 --> 00:39:09,889
‎我以為自己踏入了婚姻
‎結果是場音樂劇

675
00:39:12,016 --> 00:39:15,061
‎我在家裡帶著
‎《歡樂合唱團》那種笛子

676
00:39:17,772 --> 00:39:18,856
‎這個音調怎樣？

677
00:39:23,944 --> 00:39:25,529
‎接近了嗎？

678
00:39:27,740 --> 00:39:29,742
‎“問題在你音調”“我音調？”
‎“對，你音調”

679
00:39:29,825 --> 00:39:33,871
‎“我音調怎麼了？”
‎“我不喜歡你的音調”

680
00:39:35,664 --> 00:39:38,042
‎“妳要我怎麼…？”
‎“你最好改變你的音調！”

681
00:39:40,711 --> 00:39:41,587
‎你們聽過嗎？

682
00:39:42,671 --> 00:39:44,799
‎女性說對了，她們總是對的

683
00:39:45,549 --> 00:39:50,388
‎男性的音調在兩性關係中會逐期改變

684
00:39:50,471 --> 00:39:53,474
‎一開始男性追女性時

685
00:39:53,808 --> 00:39:56,685
‎在追求或調情階段時

686
00:39:56,769 --> 00:39:58,604
‎男人會高兩個八度

687
00:39:58,687 --> 00:40:00,523
‎男人會提高兩個八度聲音

688
00:40:00,606 --> 00:40:02,483
‎男人一開始會這樣說話

689
00:40:04,443 --> 00:40:06,737
‎因為中菜或義大利菜很棒

690
00:40:10,324 --> 00:40:12,535
‎也許我們能開車或散步

691
00:40:15,413 --> 00:40:19,083
‎我現在對你們

692
00:40:19,375 --> 00:40:21,335
‎溝通的聲音

693
00:40:21,419 --> 00:40:24,380
‎在我家並不受歡迎

694
00:40:27,133 --> 00:40:29,176
‎所以我才出門跟你們說話

695
00:40:38,144 --> 00:40:40,187
‎你們認為我在家裡

696
00:40:40,646 --> 00:40:43,065
‎有這種威嚴這樣說話嗎？

697
00:40:46,527 --> 00:40:50,448
‎我的銳利聲？
‎你們以爲我在家裡也這樣說話？

698
00:40:52,158 --> 00:40:53,033
‎才怪

699
00:40:54,743 --> 00:40:57,037
‎我一走進家門

700
00:40:57,121 --> 00:41:00,958
‎對了，我家是我買的
‎這是無關，但我只想提一下

701
00:41:04,962 --> 00:41:06,922
‎我要是這樣說話

702
00:41:07,006 --> 00:41:08,007
‎我要是說

703
00:41:08,799 --> 00:41:10,426
‎“我要吃點東西！”

704
00:41:12,595 --> 00:41:15,764
‎我要是這樣說
‎首先，我認識的男人都會說

705
00:41:16,182 --> 00:41:19,018
‎“你想吃什麼就吃吧，我才不在乎”

706
00:41:19,727 --> 00:41:22,771
‎任何女人都會說：‘“你幹嘛吼我？”

707
00:41:25,316 --> 00:41:26,692
‎“我沒有吼！

708
00:41:27,985 --> 00:41:29,236
‎我只是餓了”

709
00:41:30,613 --> 00:41:31,864
‎然後就開始吵

710
00:41:31,947 --> 00:41:34,492
‎等一開始吵，就像湍流划獨木舟一樣

711
00:41:34,575 --> 00:41:37,536
‎你戴了塑膠安全帽
‎你翻了船，然後再翻回水面

712
00:41:37,620 --> 00:41:38,704
‎繼續划船就對了

713
00:41:43,125 --> 00:41:45,044
‎女性的音調就在這時候改變

714
00:41:45,127 --> 00:41:46,795
‎對，女性也有一份

715
00:41:46,879 --> 00:41:49,965
‎所有女人要是跟男人吵

716
00:41:50,049 --> 00:41:52,760
‎都會有模仿男人聲音的時候

717
00:41:53,135 --> 00:41:56,180
‎女性這種厲害的組織系統裡

718
00:41:56,263 --> 00:41:59,725
‎她們總會想出一樣的模仿技巧

719
00:41:59,808 --> 00:42:02,311
‎“你每次都說：
‎‘喔，不，我不能做這種事

720
00:42:02,394 --> 00:42:04,230
‎我又沒說我要這樣做’

721
00:42:04,313 --> 00:42:06,524
‎你說：‘我可能會去’
‎你說：‘絕對會去’

722
00:42:06,607 --> 00:42:09,568
‎‘喔，我好像會不自在’

723
00:42:09,652 --> 00:42:12,363
‎你說：‘跟你朋友
‎我們要跟你朋友去’

724
00:42:12,446 --> 00:42:14,406
‎我朋友就不一樣
‎要是我朋友，你就會說

725
00:42:14,490 --> 00:42:16,158
‎‘喔，我好像不能…’”

726
00:42:17,409 --> 00:42:18,994
‎這男的是誰？

727
00:42:21,622 --> 00:42:23,040
‎妳在哪看到這男的？

728
00:42:25,209 --> 00:42:27,044
‎我沒聽過人這樣講話

729
00:42:28,128 --> 00:42:31,715
‎“因為你聽不到自己的聲音
‎你該聽聽自己的聲音

730
00:42:31,799 --> 00:42:34,218
‎你會說：‘喔，我不…你知道的’”

731
00:42:36,220 --> 00:42:38,722
‎讓我想到棒棒糖公會的人

732
00:42:38,806 --> 00:42:42,476
‎喔，我們代表棒棒糖公會

733
00:42:51,819 --> 00:42:53,529
‎因為重點在聆聽

734
00:42:54,488 --> 00:42:55,823
‎你們想要婚姻建議嗎？

735
00:42:56,365 --> 00:42:57,700
‎那你們最好聽清楚了

736
00:42:59,827 --> 00:43:03,080
‎很多太太抱怨丈夫不聆聽

737
00:43:04,290 --> 00:43:06,875
‎我沒聽過我太太這樣說
‎她可能是有說過

738
00:43:09,378 --> 00:43:10,671
‎我並不清楚，可是…

739
00:43:11,922 --> 00:43:14,258
‎我倒是知道以下這點

740
00:43:16,010 --> 00:43:19,179
‎女士們，妳們的丈夫想讓妳們幸福

741
00:43:20,264 --> 00:43:21,932
‎他在努力了！

742
00:43:23,851 --> 00:43:24,810
‎他在計畫了

743
00:43:25,436 --> 00:43:27,271
‎他每秒都在想

744
00:43:28,731 --> 00:43:29,940
‎他就是辦不到

745
00:43:31,650 --> 00:43:32,943
‎他就是辦不到

746
00:43:34,320 --> 00:43:36,739
‎他不知道要怎麼做

747
00:43:38,365 --> 00:43:39,825
‎有時候，我們會去做

748
00:43:40,534 --> 00:43:42,077
‎我們不知道自己怎麼做到的

749
00:43:44,747 --> 00:43:47,207
‎我們不能問：“我怎麼做的？”

750
00:43:48,667 --> 00:43:51,086
‎這樣看起來像不清楚自己在做什麼

751
00:43:52,921 --> 00:43:54,214
‎什麼都不能做

752
00:43:54,923 --> 00:43:57,301
‎女性說：“我不敢相信你這樣做了”

753
00:43:57,885 --> 00:43:59,219
‎男性說：“做什麼？”

754
00:44:00,638 --> 00:44:01,805
‎女性就開始哭

755
00:44:03,223 --> 00:44:04,933
‎男性說：“我什麼都沒做”

756
00:44:06,060 --> 00:44:07,269
‎女性說：“就是這樣”

757
00:44:10,939 --> 00:44:12,733
‎真像下西洋棋，對吧？

758
00:44:13,317 --> 00:44:15,361
‎只是棋盤是流水

759
00:44:16,945 --> 00:44:18,822
‎而所有的棋子

760
00:44:19,156 --> 00:44:20,324
‎都是煙霧做的

761
00:44:34,463 --> 00:44:37,341
‎你並不孤單，婚姻中別忘了這點

762
00:44:37,424 --> 00:44:39,885
‎甚至是社會、文化、科技

763
00:44:39,968 --> 00:44:43,055
‎都想幫你踏上婚姻的旅程

764
00:44:43,138 --> 00:44:44,640
‎比方說，你的車裡

765
00:44:44,723 --> 00:44:47,726
‎雙區循環各有分隔按鈕

766
00:44:48,268 --> 00:44:50,354
‎都有氣溫控制系統

767
00:44:50,813 --> 00:44:53,982
‎天哪，不清楚
‎是不是已婚人士想出來的

768
00:44:56,068 --> 00:44:58,904
‎想：“嘿，這對法律上

769
00:44:59,446 --> 00:45:01,657
‎必須一輩子在一起的人

770
00:45:01,740 --> 00:45:03,033
‎要是想讓對方閉嘴

771
00:45:03,325 --> 00:45:05,411
‎這系統可能會很有效”

772
00:45:07,121 --> 00:45:09,498
‎“我冷死了、我熱死了、我好熱

773
00:45:11,333 --> 00:45:12,710
‎風吹在我身上”

774
00:45:14,670 --> 00:45:17,131
‎我太太一說：“冷氣吹在我身上”

775
00:45:17,297 --> 00:45:21,385
‎跟正常人說“我身上有隻熊”
‎是一樣的危急

776
00:45:24,054 --> 00:45:25,681
‎緊急程度有這麼高

777
00:45:27,349 --> 00:45:29,143
‎我也用這種程度回覆

778
00:45:29,768 --> 00:45:31,645
‎“天哪，敵方通風口一陣邪惡微風

779
00:45:31,729 --> 00:45:33,397
‎攻擊我的好友兼人生伴侶

780
00:45:33,480 --> 00:45:35,941
‎她沒用麻醉劑就替我生下三位子嗣

781
00:45:36,024 --> 00:45:38,610
‎要是沒人環伺，她大概還能自己接生

782
00:45:38,694 --> 00:45:40,279
‎但她承受不住一陣輕風

783
00:45:40,362 --> 00:45:42,906
‎我要調低三度最佳期望溫度”

784
00:45:49,455 --> 00:45:53,542
‎我確定這個蠢雙區空調也真的有用

785
00:45:53,625 --> 00:45:55,961
‎讓不同溫度的空氣分子

786
00:45:56,044 --> 00:45:57,379
‎不會在91公分寬

787
00:45:58,338 --> 00:46:02,551
‎車內的密閉隔間混合

788
00:46:02,634 --> 00:46:04,511
‎因為我早上去買咖啡時

789
00:46:04,595 --> 00:46:07,848
‎都會喜歡把咖啡放在杯裡左邊

790
00:46:07,931 --> 00:46:09,641
‎奶精和糖加在杯裡右邊

791
00:46:11,810 --> 00:46:12,936
‎這樣又沒問題

792
00:46:14,104 --> 00:46:15,314
‎你要是去豪華餐廳

793
00:46:15,397 --> 00:46:17,649
‎他們有時候會說：
‎“你要普通水還是氣泡水？”

794
00:46:17,733 --> 00:46:19,985
‎我說：“都要
‎請倒在同一個玻璃杯，別混合

795
00:46:20,068 --> 00:46:22,070
‎我在車裡也都這樣做”

796
00:46:26,241 --> 00:46:28,368
‎以下是個真實的婚姻場景

797
00:46:29,578 --> 00:46:32,456
‎丈夫在車裡，太太在人行道上

798
00:46:32,539 --> 00:46:34,583
‎他下班後接她

799
00:46:35,626 --> 00:46:39,880
‎他沒把車完全停止！

800
00:46:41,465 --> 00:46:42,841
‎她把車門打開

801
00:46:42,925 --> 00:46:46,386
‎她一腳在人行道上跳著

802
00:46:48,347 --> 00:46:52,267
‎想用扶手當槓桿

803
00:46:53,227 --> 00:46:56,480
‎人只能一腳踏進移動中的車

804
00:46:58,023 --> 00:47:02,736
‎我只能想像車裡回家一路上

805
00:47:03,946 --> 00:47:07,032
‎他們的討論會有多激烈

806
00:47:09,034 --> 00:47:10,452
‎但婚姻就是這樣

807
00:47:10,661 --> 00:47:11,829
‎兩個人

808
00:47:12,579 --> 00:47:16,291
‎儘量想避免說“我恨你”
‎然後待在一起

809
00:47:19,711 --> 00:47:22,172
‎大家都不准說這句話，懂嗎？

810
00:47:22,798 --> 00:47:24,174
‎不能說這句話

811
00:47:25,551 --> 00:47:26,802
‎你是感覺得到

812
00:47:28,929 --> 00:47:29,847
‎這樣是沒關係

813
00:47:30,764 --> 00:47:33,100
‎但別說出口

814
00:47:34,017 --> 00:47:35,519
‎說其他的話，什麼都可以

815
00:47:35,602 --> 00:47:38,981
‎“天殺的
‎家裡怎麼都沒有透明膠帶？”

816
00:47:41,650 --> 00:47:44,528
‎“透明”是“我”，“膠帶”是“恨”
‎“家裡”是“你”

817
00:47:46,321 --> 00:47:47,406
‎但這樣說好多了

818
00:47:48,448 --> 00:47:50,617
‎不能說：“我真想殺了你”

819
00:47:51,910 --> 00:47:54,162
‎你可以說：“你有時候真好笑”

820
00:47:59,710 --> 00:48:03,297
‎“傑瑞，我們想瞭解你怎麼辦到的

821
00:48:03,589 --> 00:48:05,299
‎更多細節

822
00:48:05,382 --> 00:48:09,052
‎因為我們看到你當個常規單身漢

823
00:48:09,136 --> 00:48:11,179
‎整整45年

824
00:48:11,263 --> 00:48:14,016
‎突然間你就轉性了

825
00:48:14,099 --> 00:48:16,810
‎進入婚姻、太太、小孩、家庭
‎你是怎麼辦到的？

826
00:48:17,185 --> 00:48:18,228
‎你怎麼適應的？

827
00:48:18,312 --> 00:48:21,064
‎你怎麼繁殖同居

828
00:48:21,315 --> 00:48:22,774
‎學會駕馭

829
00:48:23,233 --> 00:48:25,235
‎又不讓情況加劇？”

830
00:48:26,778 --> 00:48:28,113
‎好問題

831
00:48:28,739 --> 00:48:30,908
‎因為已婚男子要是沒有

832
00:48:31,450 --> 00:48:34,369
‎從腦部到嘴巴間那道堅固的

833
00:48:34,453 --> 00:48:37,331
‎閘門透析系統就活不了

834
00:48:39,124 --> 00:48:41,209
‎你在婚姻裡不能想說就說！

835
00:48:42,669 --> 00:48:43,545
‎風險太大了

836
00:48:45,672 --> 00:48:48,008
‎我跟我很鍾愛的太太在一起時

837
00:48:48,592 --> 00:48:50,260
‎我要是想到什麼

838
00:48:50,844 --> 00:48:54,681
‎我第一個想的是：
‎“我知道我不能這樣說”

839
00:49:01,104 --> 00:49:03,482
‎也許我能說，我是聽到別人說的

840
00:49:06,026 --> 00:49:08,946
‎然後她和我可以共享溫馨時刻

841
00:49:09,029 --> 00:49:11,740
‎同意那個人真是白痴

842
00:49:14,826 --> 00:49:16,203
‎我們就能好好相處

843
00:49:18,038 --> 00:49:19,581
‎我說過，我們有三個孩子

844
00:49:19,665 --> 00:49:21,917
‎我們從開心的家庭旅遊回家

845
00:49:22,000 --> 00:49:23,168
‎我也稱之為

846
00:49:23,251 --> 00:49:26,004
‎“我們花大錢去飯店吵架”

847
00:49:29,925 --> 00:49:32,219
‎我不知道我們還做了什麼

848
00:49:33,887 --> 00:49:35,138
‎我們騎單車吵架

849
00:49:38,350 --> 00:49:40,811
‎“我要殺了妳”
‎“我更想殺了你”

850
00:49:42,854 --> 00:49:46,233
‎我們在純淨的白沙灘上罵髒話

851
00:49:48,819 --> 00:49:52,280
‎我們吵其他人的孩子有多乖

852
00:49:53,615 --> 00:49:56,243
‎不知道他們昨晚有沒有在飯店陽台上

853
00:49:56,326 --> 00:49:58,328
‎用一包12美元的小冰箱腰果

854
00:49:58,412 --> 00:50:00,163
‎丟在其他賓客頭上

855
00:50:09,172 --> 00:50:10,799
‎我女兒是老大

856
00:50:10,882 --> 00:50:14,219
‎她18歲了，她剛上完高中去大學

857
00:50:14,302 --> 00:50:18,056
‎你要是當父母，這可算大成就

858
00:50:19,016 --> 00:50:19,933
‎謝謝大家

859
00:50:21,435 --> 00:50:22,602
‎我們當父母很優秀

860
00:50:22,686 --> 00:50:24,104
‎讓她讀完高中了

861
00:50:26,064 --> 00:50:28,150
‎很多人…大家都問我

862
00:50:28,233 --> 00:50:31,194
‎“最大的孩子要離家了
‎你覺得怎樣，傑瑞？”

863
00:50:31,278 --> 00:50:32,112
‎我說我很好

864
00:50:32,195 --> 00:50:34,573
‎我沒事

865
00:50:34,656 --> 00:50:37,701
‎我認為這就像找到小小鱷魚

866
00:50:38,035 --> 00:50:40,620
‎你放進浴缸裡，大家會說

867
00:50:40,704 --> 00:50:43,040
‎“你們看看，我找到一隻小鱷魚

868
00:50:43,123 --> 00:50:45,083
‎看，把手指放進牠嘴裡
‎有摸到牙齒嗎？

869
00:50:45,167 --> 00:50:47,419
‎小牙齒會咬人喔”

870
00:50:48,211 --> 00:50:50,839
‎然後時間一久，你就說

871
00:50:51,298 --> 00:50:53,967
‎“我們得把這隻鱷魚弄出家門

872
00:50:56,928 --> 00:50:57,804
‎這…

873
00:50:58,555 --> 00:51:00,307
‎這隻鱷魚在這裡越來越怪

874
00:51:00,390 --> 00:51:03,185
‎這東西…很可怕

875
00:51:03,268 --> 00:51:05,479
‎這東西得出門

876
00:51:05,562 --> 00:51:08,982
‎殘殺吞噬其他生物

877
00:51:10,233 --> 00:51:12,027
‎這是這隻動物的本能”

878
00:51:14,738 --> 00:51:16,948
‎但我很愛當爸爸，她出生時我人在場

879
00:51:17,032 --> 00:51:19,618
‎這當然是人生最戲劇性的經驗

880
00:51:19,701 --> 00:51:22,537
‎要是兩人進房，三人走出來

881
00:51:23,872 --> 00:51:26,374
‎那房裡一定發生過什麼大事

882
00:51:27,793 --> 00:51:31,338
‎人生結尾時，我們進同一間房

883
00:51:31,755 --> 00:51:33,757
‎同一張床、同樣的東西

884
00:51:33,924 --> 00:51:37,427
‎然後不同數量人走出房間

885
00:51:37,511 --> 00:51:39,012
‎然後再進去

886
00:51:39,096 --> 00:51:41,723
‎但是人生就是這樣

887
00:51:42,099 --> 00:51:44,726
‎我們得週轉存貨、囤新鮮的產品

888
00:51:44,810 --> 00:51:46,686
‎維持供應鏈生生不息

889
00:51:47,979 --> 00:51:51,566
‎我們要把人送進去、把人弄出來
‎這就是醫院的職責

890
00:51:52,400 --> 00:51:54,027
‎休息、乾淨

891
00:51:54,111 --> 00:51:56,321
‎要是沒用，我們就幫你移動

892
00:51:56,988 --> 00:52:00,909
‎你走進去時，招牌是“醫院”
‎但寫“床組衛浴多更多”家居店也一樣

893
00:52:07,916 --> 00:52:10,460
‎因為嬰兒一直出生，嬰兒才不在乎

894
00:52:10,544 --> 00:52:12,712
‎你以為嬰兒在乎世界一團亂

895
00:52:12,796 --> 00:52:13,839
‎你有問題嗎？

896
00:52:13,922 --> 00:52:14,965
‎“我們還是要進來！

897
00:52:16,133 --> 00:52:17,592
‎我們想進來！”

898
00:52:17,926 --> 00:52:19,719
‎嬰兒跟一架架新鮮甜甜圈一樣

899
00:52:19,803 --> 00:52:22,973
‎更多嬰兒

900
00:52:24,057 --> 00:52:24,975
‎嬰兒幹嘛出現？

901
00:52:26,268 --> 00:52:27,978
‎嬰兒是要來取代我們的

902
00:52:29,020 --> 00:52:30,147
‎這就是嬰兒的任務

903
00:52:30,897 --> 00:52:33,984
‎你們看不出來嗎？

904
00:52:35,485 --> 00:52:36,945
‎嬰兒要趕我們走

905
00:52:37,904 --> 00:52:40,323
‎他們第一個詞語是“媽媽”和“爸爸”

906
00:52:40,407 --> 00:52:41,366
‎和“掰掰”

907
00:52:45,829 --> 00:52:49,124
‎“等結束後，看穿尿布的是誰”

908
00:52:52,669 --> 00:52:54,546
‎嬰兒都有這種思考模式

909
00:52:56,131 --> 00:52:59,009
‎但父親就是跟不上

910
00:52:59,092 --> 00:53:03,680
‎在座的母親們
‎我們想當妳們心目中的模範

911
00:53:03,763 --> 00:53:05,182
‎但我們就是辦不到！

912
00:53:06,641 --> 00:53:07,976
‎我們想努力

913
00:53:09,144 --> 00:53:11,730
‎嬰兒出生，我記得…那時刻很棒

914
00:53:11,813 --> 00:53:14,357
‎女性的母性本能就會出現

915
00:53:15,442 --> 00:53:17,861
‎男性的本能卻沒變

916
00:53:20,405 --> 00:53:22,365
‎男性沒兩樣，站在那裡

917
00:53:27,412 --> 00:53:30,457
‎我孩子們出生後好幾年，我看到他們

918
00:53:30,540 --> 00:53:32,709
‎從房間另一邊看著我，好像想過來說

919
00:53:33,126 --> 00:53:34,961
‎“不好意思，你需要幫忙嗎？

920
00:53:40,175 --> 00:53:43,261
‎媽，當馬的那傢伙又來了
‎我們需要什麼嗎？”

921
00:53:45,805 --> 00:53:49,184
‎迴避是男性本能

922
00:53:49,267 --> 00:53:52,103
‎高爾夫球是終極的迴避活動

923
00:53:52,187 --> 00:53:53,939
‎這種運動難到不可思議

924
00:53:54,022 --> 00:53:56,149
‎沒意義、不理性、又花時間

925
00:53:56,233 --> 00:53:59,027
‎“高爾夫球”只可能有一個意義

926
00:53:59,110 --> 00:54:00,904
‎“高興，家裡不過爾爾
‎老夫出門打球”

927
00:54:03,323 --> 00:54:06,159
‎我有很多朋友打高爾夫球
‎他們超愛打的

928
00:54:06,243 --> 00:54:07,786
‎“傑瑞，你會喜歡打高爾夫的

929
00:54:09,454 --> 00:54:11,289
‎這項運動很難喔”

930
00:54:12,540 --> 00:54:14,209
‎“對，我猜也是

931
00:54:14,626 --> 00:54:18,838
‎從91公尺外
‎把薄荷糖丟進鞋盒也很難”

932
00:54:23,510 --> 00:54:26,972
‎高爾夫球老爸的幻想是，他一回家

933
00:54:27,055 --> 00:54:28,890
‎全家人會跑出來

934
00:54:29,307 --> 00:54:33,103
‎聽著他訴說高爾夫球冒險的刺激故事

935
00:54:34,396 --> 00:54:38,775
‎事實上，沒人知道他出來或回家了

936
00:54:41,027 --> 00:54:45,907
‎誰知道他去了他花了八個半鐘頭
‎在沙地和草地上用球竿狂砍

937
00:54:45,991 --> 00:54:49,035
‎一邊在假公園裡喝醉開著小丑車

938
00:54:55,375 --> 00:54:57,794
‎但父親還是很驕傲

939
00:54:59,879 --> 00:55:04,009
‎週末在家裡穿著怪異的服飾

940
00:55:05,010 --> 00:55:06,636
‎所有父親都穿著

941
00:55:06,720 --> 00:55:09,931
‎他們人生精華最後那幾年會穿的衣服

942
00:55:11,349 --> 00:55:15,103
‎不管男性結婚時期穿哪種衣服

943
00:55:15,186 --> 00:55:17,314
‎他的服裝風格就會停擺

944
00:55:18,023 --> 00:55:21,568
‎他下半輩子只會穿一樣的衣服了

945
00:55:25,739 --> 00:55:29,826
‎你們在街上會看到當爸爸的
‎2005年、1991年、1983年風格

946
00:55:33,121 --> 00:55:35,081
‎我有天帶孩子們去看電影

947
00:55:35,165 --> 00:55:37,834
‎我在電影院聽到從沒聽過的公告

948
00:55:37,917 --> 00:55:42,130
‎“觀影後請把椅邊垃圾帶走”

949
00:55:42,464 --> 00:55:43,673
‎“喔，好

950
00:55:45,008 --> 00:55:49,137
‎那我也穿橘色囚犯衣
‎帶著有根釘子的木棍好了

951
00:55:51,639 --> 00:55:54,976
‎也許我看完演職員字幕後
‎也一邊清理高速公路吧”

952
00:55:57,771 --> 00:55:59,397
‎我才不要撿垃圾！

953
00:56:00,690 --> 00:56:02,400
‎垃圾是我丟的

954
00:56:04,819 --> 00:56:07,614
‎我和電影院的人可是有協議的

955
00:56:07,697 --> 00:56:09,949
‎協議就是你們在騙我們的錢

956
00:56:11,493 --> 00:56:13,912
‎我被騙夠後，等我做完任何事

957
00:56:13,995 --> 00:56:15,497
‎我只顧張開手掌放掉就好

958
00:56:20,168 --> 00:56:22,253
‎讓東西滾下前八排

959
00:56:23,338 --> 00:56:26,466
‎我才不要把手臂深入可怕的黑洞

960
00:56:28,051 --> 00:56:31,012
‎橇出從《刺激1995》開演時

961
00:56:31,096 --> 00:56:32,722
‎就焊在那裡的巧克力花生包裝

962
00:56:34,724 --> 00:56:36,059
‎電影院替我們做過什麼？

963
00:56:36,142 --> 00:56:39,687
‎什麼？你給我們杯架？
‎這算豪華特色？

964
00:56:39,771 --> 00:56:43,483
‎裝自動爆米花槍每五秒發射

965
00:56:43,942 --> 00:56:46,236
‎增勝這種跟屍體沒兩樣的體驗吧

966
00:56:51,991 --> 00:56:54,702
‎杯架定義了我們的文化

967
00:56:54,786 --> 00:56:56,329
‎“我們才不要用手拿杯子！

968
00:56:57,622 --> 00:56:58,706
‎我們不用手握東西！”

969
00:57:00,667 --> 00:57:01,668
‎免提式

970
00:57:03,336 --> 00:57:05,296
‎給我兩側各有一罐啤酒

971
00:57:05,380 --> 00:57:06,965
‎和一條餵食管的牛仔帽

972
00:57:08,633 --> 00:57:10,760
‎給我捲了額外長度的狗牽繩

973
00:57:10,844 --> 00:57:12,470
‎以防狗狗一拉，我一按按鈕

974
00:57:12,554 --> 00:57:14,639
‎狗就跟隻旗魚一樣，牽繩無限延伸

975
00:57:16,641 --> 00:57:17,809
‎我去上公廁

976
00:57:17,892 --> 00:57:21,521
‎總期望馬桶、洗手台
‎和小便池有動態感應器

977
00:57:21,604 --> 00:57:23,022
‎我什麼都不碰

978
00:57:25,859 --> 00:57:28,153
‎洗手台為什麼
‎不跟馬桶一樣能偵測動態？

979
00:57:28,236 --> 00:57:30,363
‎你總得跟大衛魔術師一樣揮舞

980
00:57:30,447 --> 00:57:31,322
‎洗手台才會出水

981
00:57:40,039 --> 00:57:43,793
‎是誰設計下盤露光光的廁所隔間的？

982
00:57:46,045 --> 00:57:49,174
‎讓大家看到這雙無氣息的倒塌褲腿

983
00:57:49,257 --> 00:57:53,303
‎和稍微從軟塌無助的皮帶下

984
00:57:53,845 --> 00:57:57,098
‎跑出來的悲慘小鞋頭

985
00:57:58,725 --> 00:58:02,896
‎這道牆再延伸個30公分是要多少錢？

986
00:58:04,147 --> 00:58:07,066
‎這是世上最便宜的牆

987
00:58:07,817 --> 00:58:08,818
‎這只是片金屬板

988
00:58:08,902 --> 00:58:12,780
‎連金屬板交接處都不吻合！

989
00:58:14,866 --> 00:58:16,367
‎為什麼不能收緊一點？

990
00:58:17,660 --> 00:58:18,828
‎有時候你人走過去

991
00:58:18,912 --> 00:58:21,080
‎會看到一顆驚恐的人眼

992
00:58:26,461 --> 00:58:29,088
‎你看過那空間眼白一閃而過嗎？

993
00:58:29,172 --> 00:58:30,048
‎只看到瞳孔嗎？

994
00:58:31,925 --> 00:58:34,093
‎我們幹嘛這樣對待人？

995
00:58:35,428 --> 00:58:37,889
‎我又不是馬，我不想待在隔間裡

996
00:58:38,598 --> 00:58:40,725
‎這要是隔間
‎我的頭為什麼伸不出前門？

997
00:58:40,808 --> 00:58:42,143
‎馬不都這樣？

998
00:58:44,270 --> 00:58:46,648
‎我的同事應該認得出我的鞋子

999
00:58:46,731 --> 00:58:48,525
‎也讓他們看看我的臉好了

1000
00:58:51,277 --> 00:58:52,779
‎“嘿，鮑伯，你好嗎？

1001
00:58:54,656 --> 00:58:57,534
‎對，所以我那場重要會議
‎才得半途跑掉

1002
00:58:58,785 --> 00:59:02,121
‎我需要做點自己的小簡報”

1003
00:59:02,664 --> 00:59:05,041
‎感謝你們，紐約市，你們真棒

1004
00:59:05,375 --> 00:59:06,668
‎我愛大家！

1005
00:59:07,627 --> 00:59:09,504
‎你們造就了我，我很感激

1006
00:59:10,255 --> 00:59:12,465
‎感謝大家來看我們表演

1007
00:59:12,966 --> 00:59:14,175
‎希望大家還喜歡

1008
00:59:15,552 --> 00:59:16,386
‎晚安

1009
00:59:43,413 --> 00:59:45,665
‎你在直升機裡要這樣

1010
00:59:46,124 --> 00:59:48,668
‎稍微往前一點再推出去

1011
00:59:48,751 --> 00:59:51,212
‎-那這個呢？
‎-這是你在門邊

1012
00:59:55,300 --> 00:59:56,718
‎-嘿！
‎-嘿，好嗎？

1013
01:00:08,771 --> 01:00:09,897
‎好耶！

1014
01:00:17,155 --> 01:00:18,656
‎-很好
‎-謝謝

1015
01:00:19,115 --> 01:00:22,452
‎字幕翻譯：陳婷君