When I think back on my college experience,
my fondest memories are...
Damn.
Where'd they all go?
Ah, I've got it.
Hold on, one quick second.
Hang tight.
Yeah. There they are.
They always just come flooding back.
Alright.
When I think back on my college experience,
my fondest memories are...
Go! Go! Go! Go!
Four years of tailgating,
serial dating, hookups,
breakup sex, makeup sex.
And then there's this guy.
Four years of endless parties, no parents, no bills, no jobs...
...best friends and bitter rivals.
Any sane person that ever graduated from an institute of higher learning
will tell you that college was hands down the best years of their lives.
Okay, try and keep your eyes open. Jeez. Okay.
My name is Molly Singer and in college, I had it all figured out.
But now?
Well...
Mm.
Oh, Jesse.
I thought you were Michael B. Jordan.
Oh, Jesus! Mrs. Zimmerman.
- What are you doing in my apartment? - You gave me a key.
For emergencies.
Yes, well, I thought you might be in distress, or dead.
- You need something. - Yeah, I need something.
Could you be a dollface and drive me to the market?
I tried to get a car on Lyft, but apparently my, uh...
"My account is blocked."
No, no. No air quotes.
No, you have a shockingly high number of one-star ratings.
Oh, and it's my fault that they all drive like Tijuana kamikazes?
Mm. My God, the racism.
I'm sorry, what was that?
I think I need to get some breakfast first.
Kiddo, it's 9:30. I think...
- What? - ...brunch would be more in order.
- We can have brunch while we're out. - Huh?
- Kill two birds with one stone, right? - Oh, I... Uh...
You might wanna drag a comb across that head.
- Yeah... - Come on, baby. Let's go.
Oh, God, no. I didn't want to go to work.
Good morning, everybody. We've got a ton of stuff to get through today.
So let's get...
Nelson, I swear to God.
Are you curing cancer on that fucking phone?
Is that your last life?
Um...
I have, um, one life left.
Okay, why don't you go finish that up at your desk?
Now?
Right fucking now.
Oh.
Whose nephew is that? Can we please find that out?
Thank you for joining us, Miss Singer.
Yeah, I, uh, I've been here a while actually.
Really? 'Cause it looks like you're coming back
from getting your pupils dilated.
Oh, the glasses. Yeah. Transitions.
I don't know.
Not working.
So do you need a little bit of nap time or something? Because I can--
I can give the Pebblebrook case to one of your colleagues.
Perhaps someone with aspirations of becoming partner here one day.
Realistic aspirations.
Ah, no, no. I'm...
I'm-- I'm great.
Joe, how are you?
Oh, God.
What the hell was that back there?
Oh, uh... Yeah, I think I just got,
like, the flu bug or something.
Really? Breakfast of champions, I see.
Yeah, I'm just gonna be really honest with you.
The Pebblebrook motion is giving me an aneurysm
and I, I went out last night for a little stress relief.
Think I just overdid it a little. You know?
You think?
Yeah.
Oh, Miss Singer.
You intrigue me.
You are smart.
You bill a ton of hours. You exude a charming
yet ignorant amount of confidence,
that for some ungodly reason your clients seem to love.
But if you think for one second that this firm needs you more than you need it,
you are sadly mistaken.
I've got it all under control.
You're gonna throw up, aren't you?
Yes, I am. Yeah.
You screw up this hearing, you will never work in this city again.
Am I clear?
Yes, ma'am.
Oh, that is sour.
Oh, piss off, Nelson.
Oh, hey, Paulie. How was your night last night?
Oh, it was great. I hooked up with my Uber driver.
He was really hot.
You don't care 'cause you're not listening.
Okay. Just...
Hey!
Watch it.
Okay, you know what? This is bumming me out.
When you invited me to a work dinner,
you didn't say there was gonna be work at the dinner.
- Hmm. - So do you see me working?
Well, I'm sure they've got
a few cans of mixed vegetables
you could crack open for them in the back.
Whatever. At least I like my job.
Oh, you do not like your job and you know it.
I love my job. I get to work with kids and teach them about nutrition and shit.
What? You work at a cafeteria.
What kind of nutritional benefits are you teaching them?
The difference between chocolate and 2% milk?
Mm. Joke's on you. We have oat milk now.
- No, shit? Very fancy. - Yeah. So fancy.
- What, are there a lot of white kids? - A lot of white kids.
- Okay. - So many white kids.
You know, I think that you should go back.
Go back to school for the semester.
Get your parents to unlock your trust fund.
Mol, can you just drop it. We've had this conversation.
- Why wouldn't you do it? - It's complicated.
It's your foolish pride
and I am telling you that is gonna get in the-- Oh, shit.
- Look away. Look away. Quickly. - What?
- Look away. Look away. - What?
Molly Singer?
Poles! Wow!
Poles, yeah.
Good to see you.
- Hiya. - Hey, oh. Okay.
- Poles? - Yeah. Mm-hmm. Poles.
It was my pledge name at Barnett.
- Oh. What does it mean? - Yeah.
Well, uh, we were on this ski trip and Handy Moore over here--
It was a nickname. It was just like a semi-truthful nickname.
- Oh, okay. - Mm.
Yeah, she was just always in the hotel room, you know?
Practicing her form with two very big ski poles, firm grip.
So, like, kind of like this, like...
- Ooh. Look out. - Yup.
- We're going down a black diamond? - - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Totally getting it. That's it.
- I was just thinking. - Yeah.
- I thought you might be here
- with your husband, but... - Um...
Aw, it's just Paulie.
But you guys are married...
- Yeah. - ...so that's cool.
- Very cool. - Four amazing years
- with my Charles here. - Wow.
White picket fence, two-year-old daughter, yeast rising on another.
I guess the icing on the cake is I was just made full partner at my firm.
Yeah. She's my rock star. I'm a stay-at-home dad.
- Well, you know what they say. - Yeah.
When you find love, you gotta hold onto it tight! Right?
- Grab it! Never let go. - Really tight.
It's just the two of you. Mm? Yeah, just like always.
Well, have a good dinner. See you, guys.
- Great to see you. - Yeah.
Nice pearl necklace, by the way.
- Thank you. I like to coordinate. - I bought it for her.
- What a fucking asshole.
So you liked the poles in your hands?
- I don't understand. - Shut up, Charles.
Alright. Alright, you got this.
Confidence. Come on. Come on.
Shirt looks good. Shark tooth, that's sick.
Hair's good.
Come on. You know this, let's go.
Let's do it, come on.
Badass, badass, badass, badass, badass.
TikTok MMA style, motherfucker. Let's go.
- Hey! - Aah!
That was so great.
So great up until that, you know, the end,
but great form.
Haven't you heard of knocking?
I'm trying to perfect my TikTok game.
Okay. Well, I don't even know what that means.
But, um, I have a really great surprise for you tonight.
No, no. I don't like surprises.
They give me anxiety.
Mm-hmm.
Elliot, honey.
You sit up here in your room all day.
All you do is this TikTok thing and, and play video games.
You don't show up for your friends.
You don't show up for me, for dinner.
We always used to go out to dinner as a family together
the night before you'd go to camp,
and this is so much bigger than that, honey.
It's college.
So can you please just humor your mother this one time?
'Cause there's a really great buffet
that I keep hearing about.
I wanna take you to it, so...
You do love buffets.
Mm-hmm.
I do. Alright.
That's right, don't forget
to tip your cocktail waitress.
And coming up to the stage to light it up
for you fellas right now is Passion!
Do your thang, girl.
So you form the S-corp,
and the club hires you as a vendor.
The tax break was great, but it stopped you
from getting all your deductions.
It'd still cover shoes, though, right?
Well, as long as you can claim they're a costume for work
and, you know, not functional in your day-to-day life.
Oh, yeah, girl, those are deductible.
Oh. Is this great or what?
Yeah, it's just-- it's kinda hard to breathe.
Oh, it's all part of the experience, son.
I know this would have been more of your dad's territory,
but I think it's kind of cool.
Great music, scampi.
Hey, give it a little spanky spank.
I-- I don't wanna spanky spank.
No better time than the present. TikTok.
No, that's not even what TikTok is!
- Just tap it. Just a little tap. - No! No, stop. Stop.
Be a man!
- Oh. - Oh, I'm sorry.
And that, son,
is an important lesson in consent.
From kissing to coitus,
- what are we gonna do? - Ask?
You're goddamn right we are and you're not gonna listen
to PJ, Tobin, and Squee.
Who?
- Thanks, ladies. Nice work. - No problem.
- Judge Stanton says hi. - Oh, I'm sure he does.
Well, see you ladies at gym class. Let's go.
What the fuck just happened?
I cannot believe we ran into Poles.
Are we still talking about this?
I might as well been holding a Daniel Steele novel
and a bag of kitty litter for my seven fucking cats waiting for me at home.
You're slipping, Mol. I would have lead with the fact we caught her
giving two handies at that ski trip.
No, we are too old to be slut-shaming, don't you think?
Not if it's Poles. She's the worst.
- Seriously. - Oh.
Oh!
- Back of the line. - Oh, I'm with her, so...
That is terrific.
Back of the line. Both of you.
- What just happened? - Oh, my God.
He can smell the loser on me.
That's the dumbest fucking thing I've ever heard.
No, no, no, no, she's actually right. She reeks of it.
It's cutting through all the Armenian guys' cologne.
So can you please make my job easier and get to the back?
- Thank you. - Okay, that was a sign.
I have Pebblebrook tomorrow. I need to go home and get some rest.
You can't go home dry-docking.
- You'll be in hell all night. - Yeah--
Hey. Okay. We're not gonna end the night like this.
Not on my watch. Okay?
- Just give me a sec. - I'm not standing-- Okay.
Give me a sec.
Hello, gentlemen.
Uh...
I'm the manager, and, uh...
What? What did you say?
You're Carly Rae Jepsen, I'm your manager.
- Just go with it. - Who?
I really question our friendship sometimes.
Hello.
What? No.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
Want some pancakes, Mol?
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck me!
Selfish. Selfish.
Guess not.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
I left the car at the club!
Fuck!
El?
- Yeah. - Wow.
I thought I was gonna have to blackmail you
to get you out of bed this morning.
You gonna take that bag?
Yeah, it's the one that Dad gave me.
Yeah, I know, I know he did.
And you know, when you were little,
it was so cute when you-- you could fit inside of it
and we'd joke around that we were gonna save money on tickets
'cause we could fly you cargo, but this is, um...
I mean, don't you think now this is a little tacky?
You know, Mom, I-I've been thinking,
um, about what you said last night,
and you're right.
You know, ever since Dad passed, I've just been...
Well...
Nothing really, I suppose.
Um...
But what I do know is that...
Dad was all about showing up.
So that's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna show up.
Okay, you can keep the frigging bag.
I will get you a matching set for Hanukkah.
Um, you're still in your robes, Mom.
Right. Oh. Damn it. Um, 20 minutes, 20 minutes.
Mr. Pebblebrook, your counsel has till I get through the sports section.
Shit!
Shit.
Damn.
Coming through! Excuse me!
Oh, sorry.
Sorry. Sorry.
- Objection. - Shit.
- Manolo Blahnik or...? - What?
Ooh, say...
They say you snort the gel inside here,
you can fucking fly to the moon and back.
I don't know what you're talking about. You can have those.
- Oh, no, you-- - They're all yours, buddy.
That's it.
Sorry, I know I'm late. I know.
Sorry, Mr. Pebblebrook.
Based on absence of oral argument by the moving party,
the motion for summary judgment is denied...
...with prejudice.
I'm here! I'm here! Wait!
Huh?
Oh...
Now that the leg is fully healed,
are you taking us to the national championship game?
Uh, with God's determination and his healing hands,
that's the plan, no doubt.
And you surpassed over a thousand yards last year.
You plan to surpass that this year?
Oh, yeah, most definitely. I mean, you know,
this is what I do, so...
So the dorms are great.
Even though your room's the size of my shoe closet.
Well, I don't think it's that bad.
I mean, your shoe closet is pretty big.
And the girl-to-guy ratio is really playing in your favor.
Mom. No. Don't.
I'm just saying from a numbers perspective.
Don't you have to go to work or something?
Anything other than talking about girl-to-guy ratios?
This is gonna be the best four years of your life, I promise.
You are gonna do great things, Elliot Steiner.
Come on.
Mm. All that's left is the body snatcher.
You wanna get in it one last time for old time's sake?
Mom, people can hear you. Please.
Sorry.
Dammit, I told her not to bother me on my last day with you.
This is...
Maybe it's an emergency.
The office better be burning to the fucking ground.
She did what?!
Do you think you're gonna break your record from last year?
- Oh. Oh... - Look out!
Too many questions. Too many questions now.
By the way it's going, I might not get tacked all year.
Whoa!
- Where does it hurt? - Fuck, man! I think I broke my ankle!
- Which ankle is it? - This one!
Do you think you can play this season?
What? I don't know. I just broke my ankle.
Hey, it was him!
- Let's fucking get him! - What?
You better run! Get him!
- Get him! - Come here, man!
Well, Peter, a world record.
While normally reserved for professional athletes,
this week's Daily Upper Decker Award
goes to none other than college freshman,
Elliot Steiner,
who single-handedly wrecked the MVP run
of potential first-round draft pick, Demetrius Moss.
Whoa!
Where does it hurt?
Time to get the fuck out of dodge, kid.
...fucking get him!
Wait till I catch you!
Hey, you're dead, man!
Singer!
Do you have any idea how fucked this is?!
Pebblebrook is threatening to sue us for mishandling his case.
You not only lost me money, you are costing me money.
- Brenda, I can fix this. - Yeah, you can, by packing your shit
- and getting the fuck out of my office.
- Mrs. Steiner? - What?!
- Y-your son is on line one. - Move.
Hey, my love, how's your first day going?
- I'm coming home. - What?
- What happened? - Check your text messages.
...Elliot Steiner,
who single-handedly wrecked the MVP run
of potential first-round draft pick,
- Demetrius Moss. - Oh.
Well, I mean, it's--
I'm sure it's not that bad.
It'll blow over.
I'm literally packing my bags right now.
Oh, come on, honey. Steiners are not quitters. We're fighters.
I'm not a fighter. I'm a Daily Upper Decker.
I don't even know what that means.
It's shit, Ma! It's shit. Okay?
It's when you take a-- a shit in the tank of a toilet
and then when you flush it, it's just shit.
It's perpetual continuous shit.
Honey, your father wanted you to go to his alma mater.
Give me that. Sit down.
Sit down!
What do you wanna hear?
Yeah,
you were dealt the shitty hand. So was I.
But it's where you go from here that determines
what kind of a man you become, son.
Are you an Upper Decker?
Or are you my brave number two?
You realize in this scenario, I'm a piece of shit either way.
Yeah, I'm just realizing that.
It's not-- not my best analogy.
But I have a feeling that, um...
everything's gonna work out.
Can you trust me?
Yeah.
You went to undergrad at Barnett University, right?
Uh, y-yes, ma'am.
And you were president of your sorority
and I'm sure you were popular with all the guys, right?
I mean, yeah, a little... Look at you.
Um...
- My son, Elliot... - Mm.
...is just starting his freshman year at Barnett
and he's had a little bit of a, a misstep.
- Yeah, the Upper Decker video? - What?
Yeah, Nelson showed it to us earlier.
Fucking moron.
- Mm. - Um...
The thing is, my son...
My son is a really good kid, but he, um...
He's a recluse.
Oh.
So it's gonna take somebody else
to help him come out of his shell.
Yeah.
And that someone is you.
Me?
Yeah, see, the way I see it is,
I want my son to be happy
and you need a job.
Oh, so I'm not fired?
Oh, no, you're definitely still fired.
No, uh, I'm saying that I would like to hire you
to go back to Barnett as a student,
but obviously with a different last name.
I'll have the art and tech department hook you up,
get you a new student ID, transcripts, everything you need.
I just don't-- I don't think that they--
No, that's the problem. You don't think.
Otherwise, you would still have your fucking job, so...
- Ah... - I just-- I, I--
I want you to take him under your wing.
You know, help him-- help him meet some friends.
- His father was Ki Mu. - Oh.
So he's a legacy. Help him get into the frat.
Yeah, I mean, I-- I just don't know anything about--
You have until Homecoming weekend,
which is exactly two months from now.
In exchange, I will pay you half of your salary.
- What? - And if you succeed,
we can talk about you coming back to the firm.
You wanna pay me to go back to Barnett?
Yeah.
Oh...
Hey, there's my Becky.
Thank you.
You just had to give out that second fruit cup, huh?
Why'd I do it, Walter? Do you know?
'Cause you're a fucking kiss-ass.
Oh, fuck you. It's 'cause...
...little Becky there's got a soccer game this afternoon
and she needs the extra fuel. Isn't that right, Becky?
Yeah! How many goals you scoring today?
I'm the goalie.
Yeah, you are! Goal!
Get your cooties away from my station. What'd I tell you?
Oh, I'm sorry, was it one workstation
- behind you? - Yes. Jesus.
Paulie!
It is time to retire your hairnet,
pack up your sh-- stuff.
Hi, children. We're going back to Barnett.
- What are you talking about? - Okay, so here's the update.
Got to court, a little bit late...
Look, you know, I'm really sorry about that.
- Ooh! Ooh! - Ooh.
Get back to your station and don't fucking touch me.
Paulie.
My apologies. Uh...
That's on me. Juice boxes for everybody.
Okay, I don't think you're getting it. I really, really don't.
I'm getting paid to go back to college. Okay?
- And you're gonna come with me. - Hard pass, Mol.
Walter's got me on management track.
Paulie, I need you. Seriously, we can go back,
have a great time, party like we used to.
You can finish your degree, finally.
And then when you unlock your trust,
you could just buy the whole cafeteria,
have it named after you.
Maybe even...
...fire Walter.
- Fire Walter? - Why not?
- Okay, I really wanna go. - Okay. We're getting you out.
- Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, we got it. We got it.
Alright.
Oh, I wanna fire Walter!
- Yeah! - Fuck you!
See ya, kids!
Fuck you.
Sorry, no housing available.
Huh?
What do you mean there's no housing available?
Record enrollment.
Did you not read your freshman orientation packet?
Because if you had, you'd know that the dorms need to be secured
- two months in advance. - Oh, okay.
- Barnett... - Well, what about private housing?
- Oh, yeah. - Oh. Record enrollment.
- Oh, boy. - What is up with people
that have the ability to hear? Yet nobody ever listens.
- I hate that. - Okay, campus Barbie, listen.
- I-- - Look, here's the deal.
We've just been traveling so much the last few years,
dedicating our lives to helping children in need
on a grassroots level for little to no pay.
And now...
We need to come back and finish school
so we can take our local efforts to the global stage,
and I'm talking Malawi, Namibia, Darfur.
- I'll tell you what I can do. Okay? - Okay.
Not a fucking thing. America first.
Student Housing. This is Amy.
- Did she just say "America first"? - - Oh, yes, absolutely.
- She said, "America first."
Okay...
Huh.
What the hell was I thinking? Stupid, stupid Darfur.
Yeah, she feels like someone who would run over protesters if given the chance.
I can't believe we already fucked this up.
"We"? Okay. Maybe it's for the best.
I mean, this is the dumbest fucking idea
since we both tried anal bleaching.
Yeah, but if we don't do it, then we both go to living
on the streets.
- So... - Okay. Nope. Uh...
My skin won't last a day in these streets,
so we gotta figure something out.
I know all about the skin...
Hold up. Hold up.
Excuse me. Hi. Hi.
Can I borrow you for a sec?
Why? No, no, no, no. What the fuck?
Goddammit.
So you're the Upper Decker, huh?
I'm Lindsay. Looks like we're neighbors.
So should I just call you "Upper" for short or...?
Uh, I-I'm Elliot. Sorry.
Hmm. Joe "Daddy" Stevenson.
Uh, you know MMA?
Hell, yeah. Well, I mean, I didn't start getting into it
till Rousey started fighting but...
Oh, that's, that's-- that's dank.
Yeah. It's super dank.
Uh, well, I will take these as I see them.
The danglies are all yours though.
"Dank"? What the fuck, dude?
Oh, look, it's the International Man of Mystery.
Oh, Amy.
You passed.
Passed what?
The test to see if you are one of us.
Can't be too careful in a college campus nowadays,
what with the deep state liberal agenda.
You-- you follow the Q?
Do I follow the...
Is George Soros the head of a major pedophile ring
being run out of metro area pizza places?
I know you said housing was full to the brim,
but I think you and I both know it's up to people like us
to make the silent majority not so silent!
In places like this.
And my girl Molly Sutter,
she's down for the cause too. She is. So...
if you can find it in your heart,
maybe even consider it your patriotic duty,
to put a roof over our heads.
What do you say?
What are we doing?
Oh, yeah, you dirty little snowflake.
I'm gonna assimilate you like a docile minority population.
Uh, uh... assimilate me, you filthy little whore.
Hey, don't be a misogynist.
Oh, that's where you draw the line?
I talk, you fuck.
Mm-hmm. Yup.
So are we doing this or what?
Yeah, just getting it queued up.
Yup.
Yeah, okay.
Oh, Michael B. Jordan. Michael B. Jordan. Michael B. Jordan.
Oh, God.
Molly, I could fucking kill you.
You like that?
Don Lemon!
This place isn't officially affiliated with the university,
but they do offer student discounts on rent, so...
Amy, your country thanks you.
Come back to be fucked by a real American patriot any day,
you commie Antifa bitch.
No, not if I...
storm their capitol first.
Oh, dear God.
Okay, yeah. Just talk to her. Just go in.
Hey. Hey, how are you?
I didn't see you there. Uh, maybe you wanted to go on a walk?
Okay, maybe you wanna go on a n-nature hike alone with me?
What am I? Yogi fucking Bear?
I-I like-- I like MMA. I like fighting.
I mean, I know you do too.
Maybe, why don't we just, like, spar or something?
No, what? Spar.
Just do it. Alright. One, two, three. Okay.
Hey, I was in the neighborhood and I just wanted to see...
Oh! Uh, uh...
What the fuck, Chach!
Get the fuck outta here, bro!
- Aah! - Get the fuck outta here!
Yup.
Always... always knock, knock, knock.
Fucking idiot.
- Huh. - Is this it?
Yeah, this is it.
I think I'm good sleeping in your car.
Ow! Ow! Fuck!
Mother fuck! Mother fuck!
Is that Scott Perkins?
I think it is.
Didn't he set fire to the art building senior year?
For sure.
- Okay. - Oh, Can't Sing Singer.
- Scotty. - Paulie.
- Yeah. - No freaking way.
- Yeah. - I haven't seen you guys in years.
Yeah!
- Yeah. - Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's good to see you. Yes.
- Yeah. - Uh...
Wow. So you work here?
Oh, I don't fucking work here.
I own the whole freaking building.
- Whoa. - Oh, wow.
Yeah, I just, uh, couldn't leave,
- you know, like, after graduation. - - Mm.
Like who does that?
- Everybody. Everybody does that. - Yeah, well...
- We did it. - So I was doing my art
and like sort of squatting here,
and then my grandpa died.
- Oh, my God. Hmm. - Yeah. Yeah.
No, it's okay. He was an asshole.
- Hmm. - But like a really rich asshole.
- Mm-mmm. - Which is how I got this place.
And how's that working for you?
Oh, fucking terrible, man. Really bad. Um...
Like the first day I got the keys, there was a black mold scare.
- Oh. - And then there was the incident
where a student may or may not...
have died after sliding down the pole.
"Pole"?
Holy mother of fuck pads!
Oh, my God, air hockey!
Ha!
Oh, my God, the pole.
- Yeah, be careful. - The pole. That's what just--
The pole!
- Get it! Yes. - Yeah.
- RIP, ladies. - Uh-huh.
Got a little arcade action.
Alright. Okay. Okay.
- Wow. - Bowling bowl.
- Mm-hmm. - Yeah, Grandpa's.
- Ah! - Scott, this is perfect.
So, uh, how many months are we talking about?
Because I'm really behind on my payments.
I was supposed to have a sorority sign a lease here,
but they pussied out when they heard that somebody may or may not have died here.
Oh, Scott. I get that someone died here. You don't need to be vague.
Allegedly.
So you're telling me no one's even had sex in this hot tub?
Unfortunately, not a single sperm
has entered that chlorinated water.
Okay, so, um, how far behind on payments are you
before the bank initiates foreclosure?
Uh, 20 grand-ish.
Okay.
Yeah. Um...
I think we can help you out.
- Great. Just don't put it in my name.
Hmm.
...Elliot Steiner has single-handedly wrecked the MVP run
of potential first-round draft pick...
Elliot Steiner has single-handedly...
- What are you doing? - Trying not to blow our cover.
With a newspaper? No.
Most of these kids don't even know what that is.
Just put it down. Act cool.
Get your phone. Just relax.
The Upper Decker kid.
Okay. That's the guy who took out
- Demetrius Moss. - Yes.
He'll be lucky if he gets out of this semester alive.
Okay, we do not have until the semester ends.
We have until Homecoming to get this kid from zero to hero.
Did you just quote Cool as Ice ?
Hmm. Paraphrased, but, yes.
- Well, how do you suppose we do that? - - With...
this.
Oh, my God.
- Holy shit. Is that Demetrius? - It is. Yeah.
- Is he? - He is.
- How, dude? - Well, in-house investigator.
Dude could dig up dirt on Jesus if we asked him to.
Mm.
Oh.
Uh-oh.
Who's the girl?
Okay.
- Oh, oh, oh, oh. - He's coming this way.
- He's coming this way! - Yeah. Yep, yep, yep, yep. Okay.
Just, uh...
Whoa.
Oh, uh, hey. Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Hey, hey. Excuse me! Excuse me! Hi.
- Sorry, you forgot your book. - Oh, uh, thanks.
Benazir Bhutto: A Biography.
Yeah, the world's first female Muslim prime minister.
- Yeah, she's great. - You must be...
what, like a poli-sci major or something?
I'm undeclared actually.
- Oh, me too. - Same. Same, same.
- Yeah. This is Paulie and I'm Molly. - Yup, yup, yup.
- Uh... - And you are?
Elliot. Elliot Steiner.
- Cool. - Steiner. I hardly know her.
Okay, well, um,
we're actually thinking about going to Stillwaters in like an hour.
- Would you-- You should come with us. - Oh, yeah.
- You think I'm an idiot? - What?
Excuse me. Hi. Hello. No. No, no, no. No. What?
Some old dude and, and a random lady just happen to run into me
right after I become a meme.
Whatever you have planned, I'm not falling for it.
Look, okay, yes. We... we do know who you are.
But this isn't a trap or anything like that.
- No, no. - It's just we know our way around here.
- Yes. - And, and we've all got a past
- that we wished we could forget. - Ugh.
Paulie here got so drunk freshman year...
- Oh! - ...that he passed out in McConnell Hall
and shit his pants in his sleep.
- Remember that? - Yeah, that was you.
- That was you. - Details. Anyway the point is,
we all deserve a second chance at a first impression.
I mean, I-I don't-- I don't even drink, so...
Or, you know, we could, um, convince the girl to come with us.
- Oh, yeah. - What girl?
The girl. The girl you're making googly eyes at while you were eating.
Yeah.
Steiner? Hello?
- Okay. - Okay.
Uh, I don't have any plans.
- No plans. There you go. - That's great. Okay, cool.
Okay, so I think we have one thing to do before we go and that is...
- Shave his balls. - Pretty Woman montage.
- It's gonna be fun.
It's a little cowboy for me.
It's like a Brokeback chic, but not so chic.
- Oh, my God! - Yeah!
Next.
Yeah!
No. He looks like a K-Pop video just took a shit on him.
In a good way.
Ma'am, I think you should just get rid of that outfit altogether.
It needs to not be in the store.
- The power of Christ compels you. - Yes, awful.
Yeah!
- Wow, I love this one. - Yeah.
Done and done.
You know what I'm saying? You look great.
Alright. Here you go.
Sure Baby Face Nelson there is 21?
Absolutely.
You've seen us in here before.
A hundred times.
Oh, right, Ben, was it?
God, great to see you.
- Cheers, you guys. - Yeah.
Mr. Franklin.
Here you are.
So do you guys bring
underaged boys here often?
Look, that is the least illegal thing going on around here.
Stillwaters is owned by the Dabrowski family.
You mean the mob guys?
Polish mob.
Why do you think they have 1997 prices?
It's all a front to launder money. Anything goes.
"You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy."
So, uh, when's Lindsay getting here?
Who?
Oh, the girl.
- Oh, uh... - Yes. Lindsay's not coming.
Well, it would have been super weird of us to just go up to an underage stranger
and ask them to a bar.
That's exactly what you guys did...
- Whoa. - - What is fucking happening?
I'm not sure.
- Is he powering down? What's going on? - Yo, Punxsutawney Phil,
- get back up here, please. - Yeah.
Upper Decker!
Showing your face in my bar.
Everything okay, fellas?
Yeah, it's cool.
Just a little, uh, crowded in here.
About one freshman asshole over capacity.
- Do your thing, Mol. - You know,
I'd love to speak with you in private for a second.
- Huge fan. - Oh, yeah, sure.
Pretty sure you gonna be alone with me for more than a second though.
Yeah, yeah, I don't doubt that.
Hey, if he tries to run, sit on him.
You like IPAs?
Wow. That's just rude.
Awesome.
Everyone! Hello. Please listen up.
Uh, Demetrius here has an announcement.
Alright. So, uh, everyone, uh,
I would like to speak on the events that have occurred and, um...
Man, fuck this. Alright, the shit that happened last week wasn't your fault.
Yeah, I think if I'm hearing this correctly,
Demetrius is going on the record to say
that his broken ankle isn't Elliott Steiner's fault.
Am I right about that, Demetrius?
- Correct. - Whose fault is it?
Barnett University and its failure to create
distinctive riding and walking paths on campus.
And Demetrius here will be suing the university for upwards of, um...
Twenty million dollars.
Whoa!
Uh, yeah, sure. Shoot for the moon.
So, uh, we good, little man.
Hey, yo. I'm gonna be rich, bitches!
Shots on me.
Whoo!
Shot! Shot! Shot!
So I just move that there.
Oh, no, no, no, no, that's cheating.
No, it's not. Why can't I go up the slide?
You cannot climb the slide. That's not how it works.
You climb the ladder and then you go down the slide.
- That's how-- Okay, my turn. - But you keep-- Oh, fine.
- Three. Ha-ha. - Okay.
Three. One, two, three.
Oh, see? Ladder.
Climb.
Van Singer, party liaison.
Are you fucking kidding me?
Uh...
I am paying you to help my son get adjusted to college,
not ruin his goddamn life.
I'm not sure what you're talking about
because I've been here for two days.
The Demetrius Moss situation is fixed.
We are taking him to a rush event later today and...
minimized the MMA-themed wardrobe by at least 35%.
Tell me you're a freshman in college
without telling me you're a freshman in college. I'll go first.
Okay, I can see
by the looks of this video--
I don't even feel it! I don't--
- I don't even feel it! - Oh, my God!
And that video as well,
it may appear that I'm not in control here, but I can assure you--
I should have known this was gonna be a fucking shit show.
You know what? Just forget it.
Forget the whole thing. Forget your job. You're done.
In one day, I've taken your kid
from wanting to run home with his tail tucked between his chinos
to wanting to get the fucking Badger fight song
tattooed on his forehead Post Malone style.
What do you think is gonna happen if I ghost him now?
Let me get him through rush.
And I promise you, the freshman tradition
of buying Christmas presents
entirely from the university bookstore
will be well intact.
Okay, keep him off the Tok.
And if you ruin his chances of a future Senate race,
I swear to God I will eat you alive
and bury you in the goddamn desert.
Thanks so much.
- Everything good? - Yeah.
- Refill? - Yes, please.
- I saw you cheat, by the way. - No, I didn't.
So officially, we are absolutely not able to haze you little bitches
in any way shape or form.
But unofficially, you little douche canoes
better get ready for the suck.
We're gonna have to suck your, like...
What? No.
The suck. Like from Jarhead.
- Uh... - Oh, Jesus fucking Christ.
Why don't you guys just go play some cornhole or something.
I just don't think I'm really frat material.
Oh, you're not a fan of relay races with marshmallows up your butt?
No, no, not at all.
Uh, well, you know, there's a whole brotherhood hoorah thing.
Formals are fun.
And there are certain other advantages.
Ooh, not ready yet.
Yeah. Two more semesters.
Three, if your parents are religious.
- What? - Hm?
Nothing. Nothing. Just that, enjoy the party.
Remind me to check Grindr later.
Oh, hey!
Oh, hey, Elliot.
Steiner, how you holding up?
Uh...
Wait, you all know each other?
Oh, yeah. We met Elliot
at Stillwaters last night.
Stillwaters.
- Yeah. - Wow, how'd you get in there?
- I... - Oh, he just walked right in
like he owned the place. They didn't even question him.
Mm. Cool.
Very cool. Very cool.
- Um, okay. - Um...
Uh, should we get some refills? We'll surprise you guys.
- Refills for us. Paulie. - We'll be back.
- Guys. - So...
So...
Hey, um, I'm really sorry about Stu the other day.
I just started dating him.
He's sweet, but can be a little intense sometimes.
No, I'm-- I'm sorry. I should have knocked.
I didn't see anything, so don't-- don't worry.
You didn't accidentally sneak a peek?
God, no, no, no, I wouldn't do that.
I, I-- No, I meant-- I meant they're great.
You're-- you're great.
You're-- you're pretty.
Good crop this year.
With a few fucking weeds.
What are you doin' here, perving Peeping Tom next door?
Oh, wait. Babe, be cool. This is Elliot.
He was just coming by to apologize for walking in on us.
Dude, I'm-- I'm so sorry. I--
It was a mistake. I-I didn't mean...
Dude, don't even fucking worry about it, bro.
You ain't the first chode to hallway jerk it to me and my girl getting it on.
- You won't be the last. - "Hallway jerk"? I didn't jerk. I don't--
- Say, you like Jaeger? - Uh, yeah, I guess.
- Who doesn't? Let's get some. - Okay.
- I'll introduce you to the brothers. - Oh, great.
Time to get a drink, man.
Alright. Hey, listen, this is Elliot.
Alright. Chaz, drinks, go.
Go, go, go.
Looks like the boys are coming around.
Something's off. This guy's got a real
"my dad's lawyer got me probation
for roofing girls" kind of vibe.
That's a very specific vibe, Mol.
Mm. It's what I'm getting.
Oh, Lindsay. Hey, girl.
Alright, my brothers and my brothers' ladies, listen up.
I wanna dedicate this shot
to my boy Elliot here.
Takes a giant set of boss level balls
to show his face around here after what he did to Dem.
- Am I right? - Yeah!
- Am I right?! - Yeah!
So, let's give him a big Mu welcome!
On three.
One... two... three...
Jesus!
Uh...
That's a huge dick!
Elliot!
What a fucking loser, dude. Fuck that guy.
- Wow, you are not very bright, are you? - Yeah.
You just did that kid a huge favor.
I think I did his parents the favor.
Probably saved them 50 grand in tuition money.
You just showed everyone the massive secret weapon he's been hiding.
I mean, it wa-- it wasn't that massive.
- I've had a few dicks. It's big. - Big.
Yeah, well, too bad he won't step foot in here again.
- Hmm. - My house, my rules.
Care to make a wager on that, William Cosby?
Mr. Pudding Pop?
Okay, first off, my name's Stu, Stuart Gable.
- And second-- - Second, I don't give a fuck.
Are you man enough to wager or not?
- Hm? - What's the wager?
Wager. Wager is...
- Booze-catholon. - Booze-catholon.
Saturday. Our place.
If we win, Elliot gets a bid.
And if I win?
Or, let me rephrase that.
When I win.
I fuck you.
- What the fuck? - Or...
Another option would be...
- How about... - Oh, there you go.
Keys?
Yes, the whole car, moron.
- Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. - The car.
You're on. You are fucking on!
Yeah! A fucking car, dude.
So much dudebro-ness.
Better get your pussy ready.
- My what? - Your pussy.
See you Saturday, Stu.
Steiner, open the door. It's me, Molly.
- Go away. - Oh, come on. It's not that bad.
Look, we've all been there.
We have? When was the last time that you had your wang exposed
to 100 strangers?
Did you just say "wang"?
Oh, my God. Molly, just go away.
Okay, seriously, Elliot,
- we will figure this out. Hm? - Excuse me.
It's quiet hours. So we need you to wrap it up.
Oh. You know what? It's so great you're here.
Because I'm a dummy and I just-- I locked myself out of my room.
Uh, well, this is the freshman dorm.
Um, the grad school dorm is on north campus.
First of all, that is very hurtful.
- Well... - Secondly, I just wanna say,
the two of you are doing one hell of a job.
No, I'm serious.
You're goddamn saints. Let me tell you,
all these drunk, horny freshmen running around here
like uncaged animals in heat.
All the-- the vomit and the foot odor and the one weird foreign kid
who insists on cooking his own meals in the communal kitchen.
- Always gets in my nose. - How do you handle that?
How do you do it?
- Whoa. - Hey, are you okay?
It's okay.
They're such assholes.
I know. I know.
- They're monsters. - I know. I know.
You're all monsters!
Wow, so much for quiet time.
They never trained us for this.
Oh, everything's fine.
Everything's good. Okay.
- You're alright. - Pull it together.
I know it is tough out there, but right now...
I need your help. I do.
I need to do a welfare check on Steiner in there.
I met him at a counseling center a week ago
and he has been sending me some very alarming text messages
this evening.
- Like what? - Alarming like...?
Oh, oh.
- Okay, okay, okay. - Blood. Everywhere.
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Yeah, get us in there. Come on.
Whoa. What the hell!
Steiner! Thank God you're okay.
Oh, I was worried sick.
You look great. Perfect.
Alright, you two.
You have no idea what difference you just made in this kid's life.
- We matter. - Okay, now it's time to go.
- Oh, yeah. - Yeah.
Oh, yeah. Um, by the way, it's...
- It's still fucking quiet hours, so... - Oh, yes.
- Cool. - Shh.
- Phew. - Are you just trying
to ruin my life? Is that it, or...?
No. What? No, just the opposite.
I'm trying to get you to, you know, grab life by the tits and embrace it.
Come on, college is supposed to be like the greatest time in your life.
It is not the greatest time of my life.
Everyone wants it to be. You, my mom.
But it-- it isn't and it never will because...
Because you're a virgin? Look, we can fix that.
- Okay, we-- - No, no, because it just feels like
that it's not even my fucking life anymore.
And it's just a reminder of the absence of my dad.
Like I'm his fucking Avatar .
Hm, well, that is a great movie.
- Who the fuck says that?! - Sorry.
I don't know why I said that. That's not...
I just-- I don't, I don't even know what I wanna do with my life,
let alone what I'm gonna do here. Like I-I...
I just-- I know I just don't wanna be sad all the time anymore.
Hmm...
Wow. Yeah.
Look, I-I have no idea what it must feel like to lose your dad.
But I do know what it's like to have no idea what you wanna do in your life.
Hey, at least you care, you know?
You're not all numb to it and fucked up on antidepressants
in a career that most people would dream of,
but you're just so damn unhappy
working every day with people at their worst
fighting over who's gonna get to keep the fucking smart toaster.
Sorry, yeah, that's just an example of someone completely random
who is definitely more lost than you are.
Listen.
Give me one more chance.
And if I can't prove to you by tomorrow
that the best is yet to come,
then Paulie and I will go.
We will vanish into the night.
Why do you wanna help me so much?
Just think of me as your little Jiminy Cricket
on your shoulder hanging out,
trying to convince you to be young and have fun.
And to get fucked up.
Alright. Gotta get the party feng shui here.
- Where do you want this? - Oh, that's a good spot for it.
Just back up a little bit.
No. Go towards Steiner. Go towards Steiner.
A little bit more. Nope, nope, nope.
Hey, Mol. "Jews will not replace us.
- Jews will not replace us." - Uh-uh. No, absolutely not.
Yep, out of bounds. I felt that almost immediately.
- Wait. - No, no. No.
Steiner, you come back now. Yeah, we're just trying to even that out.
Oh, wait, stop. Yeah, that's perfect.
- Is it? You sure? - Yeah, that's good.
Maybe just a little bit over here.
Are you guys sure about this?
Oh, absolutely, Steiner.
This vitamin drip will keep us sober
- well into the later rounds. - Yeah, it's the same shit
they give to Armstrong for Tour de France.
- What? - Relax, I'm joking. Geez.
Why am I cold?
Oh, yeah, just let that happen.
- Mm-hmm. - Let it happen.
This is your party, sir. Take it all in
because you are the coolest guy in the room.
- I don't know about that. - Oh, yeah, you are.
Come on. Seriously.
No. Patience, young Padawan. Patience.
Singer is gonna get her to come to you.
Who's Singer?
Molly. I call her "Singer" sometimes because she loves karaoke.
But she can't sing.
Just shut the fuck up and just pay attention.
Goddamn.
This party is sick.
Yeah, how does a student afford a place like this?
I heard the Asian dude's a movie star.
Chaz. Beer.
Fuck off. Now.
You seem tense.
No, I'm good. There's ice in these pipes, baby.
IPAs.
Even their beer thinks it's better than me.
Well, hello, Miss Lindsay and a whole bunch of dudes.
How are we doing tonight?
- We were just conversing. - Oh.
How does a student afford a place like this?
Oh, well, um, you know how Imelda Marcos has like a lot of shoes?
Well, Paulie's mom has more.
Who the fuck is Imelda Marcos?
Yeah, I'm just saying that they're rich.
- Really fucking rich. - Okay.
Uh, is this your team?
Yep. And I assume it's you,
Kung Flu, and Home Phone over there?
Okay, first off, racist.
Second, it's, uh, Phone Home.
But, um, anyway, our fourth had to drop out unexpectedly
and I was hoping Lindsay could step in.
- Lindsay? - Me?
Yeah.
Yeah, that's not gonna happen.
W-wait. Why are you speaking for me?
Because you're here with me.
What, you just think I'm just gonna let you run off--
You don't have to let me do anything. It's my decision.
- I'm in. - Oh, yeah. Get it, girl.
Okay.
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to the first annual Firehouse Booze-catholon!
Yes.
Presented to you by my man, the one, the only,
Mr. Upper Decker with huge lower decker!
He has a huge dick!
It's Elliot Steiner!
Yeah!
Now, this will be a test of will and endurance
- between the forces of Ki Mu... - Mu!
...and myself, those two--
We-- we don't really have a team name,
but you know, you get the, uh, point there.
So if we win, Elliot gets a bid into Ki Mu,
but if we lose... Ho-ho-ho.
If we lose, Stuart Gable gets to drive off with my baby Beamer--
No!
- Big boo! Big boo! - Mine.
Alright. You are all witnesses as well as judges.
Let the games begin!
Whoo!
In what once would have taken place
on the sands of the Roman Colosseum,
this is the Booze-Catholon.
Five events that could only have been conceived
at a liberal arts college near you.
First up, King's Cup.
Ladies of the night.
Mmm.
Nine. It's a rhyme.
- Stack. - Molly testing...
- Um, Black. - ...the short-term memory
- of these binge-drinkers with a rhyme. - Tack.
Jacked.
- Black! - - I can smell the student loans
not being paid back by this Chaz kid.
How hard is it to fucking rhyme, Chaz?
Johnny pays homage to the crowd
as does young Steiner.
Oh!
That pitcher is filling up faster than these kids' bladders.
And that seals it, folks.
The last king goes to Greg from Ki Mu.
Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug.
Greg's showing the chugging ability
of a toddler enjoying his sippy cup.
Having a drinking contest without Beer Pong
is like an orgy without a pivot person.
Beer Pong consists of-- Ugh. You know what? No. No.
If you don't know what Beer Pong is,
you need to focus more on the fucking rock
that you've been living under.
Let's just see where this goes.
Gable lining up this last shot with the same blind confidence
that allowed him to walk out of the door with that shirt on tonight.
Bang!
And the boys from Ki Mu
draw even with Team Molly.
Congratulations, you won the McDonald's of fucking drinking games.
Basic bro.
Steiner drops the thumb on the table
and once again Chaz proved to be as sharp as a goddamn bowling ball.
The Mu's Johnny fails to remove the Invisible Man
and will be downing the remainder of his brew.
Stu Gable drops the last card. What is this?
I want your shorts on your head, please.
No word if he's going commando,
though as white as those shorts are, I would hope to God not.
The pile is getting thick and the natives are getting restless.
Pop off that shirt.
Mm? Excuse me?
Stu, what are you doing? You won.
No, she made me wear my shorts as a hat.
Now, I'm the king. You're the asshole.
Pop off that fucking shirt.
Alright, yeah. He's right.
And you are the king after all, so...
Shirt's coming off.
Holy shit, Peter, look out!
It's a trap.
Put your shirt back on.
It is a little stuffy. I think I'll just keep it off.
Put your shirt back on.
I don't know, I'm feeling good like this.
You know that's not true.
- Tell her. - A victory for Ki Mu
turns into a moral defeat for Gable...
- Please. - ...and his cable.
Ki Mu really testing their lung capacity and IQs
as they try and blow the perfect smoke ring.
Meanwhile, Paulie, the prince, gives Ki Mu his resting O face
as he blows three perfect rings,
and we are tied going into the final event.
Alright. Fucking hands off.
Yeah! Attaboy!
You know what?
And then there were two.
What are you doing?
Letting you handle it.
- Hey. Whoa, Elliot. - Or maybe one.
Where are you going?
Why did you do that? We could have had him.
Okay. Whoa, whoa, we do still have him.
- You have him. - No, we don't.
I mean, have you seen that guy?
You're not fighting in the fucking octagon.
This is a game of skill.
- Yes, he is. - What?
Elliot, this your octagon.
It's Sarah versus Carter, UFC 31.
Yeah. Yes. Sierra Mist versus Aaron Carter, or...
Look, okay, no.
This is a defining moment.
Now what's it gonna be?
Hm?
Yeah! Alright!
Yo, look who's back.
It's not over yet, folks,
as it appears that Steiner is ready to re-engage.
What, did you grow some balls out there or something?
Yeah.
I doubt that.
Dynamite back and forth
between two wordsmiths.
- Come on. Nice and easy. - Chaz, do not touch.
The steady hand of the third-year senior raises up.
Whammo!
Gable gambles and wins
and Steiner has a cricket's cock of a chance of winning this.
Here's the pour.
Holy shit, he did it!
- Hey! - Nice!
Alright, man. Breathe. Breathe.
I'm fucking breathing.
Skadoosh! It's over!
The Upper Decker meets redemption.
Stu Gable meets rejection
and there is a fat guy in the corner puking.
It's like I'm watching Rudy for the first fucking time.
I can't believe you did that.
Oh, my God. I'm scared.
Jump.
Aah!
Wait. Wait, wait, wait.
I have to ask you a very important question.
What?
How far are the dorms?
Oh, pfft... Not even that far.
Yeah, that's like really fucking far.
Oh, rats.
Ooh!
Oh, my God. Look at his abs.
They look like the bottom of a carton of eggs.
He's called you, like, seven times.
You should probably call him back.
I mean, I don't think you'd like him when he's angry.
Are you trying to say that I'm dating the Hulk?
Well, I mean, I don't know if he has the charm of the Hulk,
but I mean...
he's got the abs, so kinda.
No, seriously you should probably call him back.
I mean, he is your guy.
Elliot Steiner...
I think that you are my guy.
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey, wait! You two! Right there.
No, no, no. No whoopee in the amphitheater and you know it.
Get on back to the dorms now.
It's not a rabbit hutch.
Sorry, sir!
- Hey. - Hey.
Sorry. I didn't know if I should have left.
I didn't really feel right about leaving you alone, so...
I don't mind.
Pretty chivalrous actually.
Come here.
I really wanna kiss you right now,
but it feels like a cat peed in my mouth.
That's so tempting. I might just risk it.
Oh, you might risk it?
- I think so. Yeah. - Mm, you do?
- Oh, God. Okay, that was-- that was bad. - Fucker.
What were you watching?
Just an old show called The Pit.
Why do you like fighting so much?
Um...
A couple of years ago, when my dad got sick,
uh, he just got really, really depressed. And...
uh, we were watching TV one night.
Um, we were just surfing the channels
and I stopped on this show about this MMA fighter
who was diagnosed with leukemia.
I think seeing two guys, one in a similar situation to his
just beat the living shit out of each other
really fired him up to beat his own disease.
And did he?
For another year.
Oh, he sounds like a really great guy.
Yeah, he was.
You're a pretty good guy too, you know?
Are you just trying to butter me up for another cat pee kiss?
Actually, I was trying to butter you up for some coffee.
- Oh, okay. Well, I'll get some. - No, come here.
I can't believe it's already Homecoming.
It feels like we just got here.
Anyway, after the game, I was thinking...
Uh, Paulie, what is going on with all this action?
I've got a test tomorrow and my memory is not what it used to be.
So if I just write it over and over, maybe I'll remember.
No, no, no. I was talking more global, like, what's with all the action?
All the books and stuff.
Okay. So a few weeks ago,
I saw this cute TA walk into the psych building.
- Mm-hmm. - So I followed him.
- Naturally. - Right.
Didn't matter 'cause the minute I walked in, I lost him.
Fricking six-foot-three gazelle. I don't know how.
But it turns out, I wandered into one of the lecture halls.
Saucy.
Sat down, listened for a minute,
and it was a lecture on early adolescent psychology.
- Hot. - Tsk. You can stop.
- Oh, yeah, right. - Long story short,
I like what I heard, so I went to another one.
What?
- I know. - Paulie!
And another one.
- Wow. - Yeah.
Oh, my God. You're like a... student here.
I think I am.
That's great.
I'm really happy for you.
- You are? - Mm-hmm.
So happy you'll leave me alone so I can study?
Yeah, I'll leave you alone
- so you can study. - Yeah. Alright.
- You know what? Steiner. - Alright.
- Get me a burrito or something? - Oh, yeah.
- Thank you. - You want that brain burrito?
- Yes, please. Yes, please. - Okay. Good for you.
- Love ya. - Bye. Love you.
- Hey, Steiner. Ugh. Wait up. - Hey.
- What you up to? - I'm just headed to class.
- Oh, my God, it's spreading. - What?
Ah, no. Not important.
I just, um, you know, I haven't seen you in a while.
Wanted to make sure everything's okay.
Yeah, yeah, I just, um, I've been busy
with the other pledges and Lindsay, and it's just...
Ah, trading us in for a younger model.
What? No, no, no, no, not at all. I, I...
I'm just fucking with you, Steiner. It's all good.
I think it's great.
Lindsay's great.
But, hey, I'm still gonna see you at Tequila Sunrise, right?
- Yeah, of course. - Okay. Well, then I'll--
I'll just let you get to class.
Where are you off to?
I, uh, I have a little homework situation myself.
- Oh, well, I'll catch you later. - Okay.
Oh.
Mm. I know we're coming down this weekend with Mom and Dad,
but when I found out my little baby brother was in the city...
I just knew I had to get some real food in ya.
Well, you are really digging into that.
I guess they don't have
any rib eyes on campus, huh?
I mean, dining hall's pretty much a Hometown Buffet, so...
Gross. Oh, anyhoo, how was the interview?
Ugh, I know Dad is so excited to have you interning at the firm this summer.
It was great. A lot of talent over there, though. I'll tell you what.
It'll be a good summer for the Stu man, if you know what I'm saying.
Oh, yeah, I get that.
- Goddammit. - Ugh. I know.
The service here is abysmal.
- Excuse me. - No, no, no, no, no, no.
Just a bitch I go to school with.
I'm just not sure I like you actually using that--
That bitch?
Molly Singer.
No, Molly Sutter.
- Singer. - No. Sutter.
- Singer! - Sutter!
That girl sitting at the bar right now is Molly Singer.
I went to school with her. She made my life a living hell.
That girl right there is Molly Sutter.
I go to school with her.
She's friends with this asshole Asian,
shows up at every single fucking frat party I have.
- Must think he's-- - Paulie.
Come on. We're leaving.
Something smells rotten here.
And it is not the fish.
Wait a minute. Can I just finish my steak?
Stuart!
Oh, gotta admit, you really changed my opinion of you, Molly.
Really?
Yeah.
We lost so much money on Pebblebrook,
I had to lay people off.
Jesus.
Yeah, well, it was just Nelson.
Oh, well, that I could see.
So, Elliot. Tell me everything.
Every little detail gets you closer to being rehired.
Oh, uh, Elliot.
Well, he's nice as hell. A little too nice.
We've been working on that.
And he, uh, overanalyzes everything.
But when he takes a leap on something, he really commits.
You know, and I feel like he's walking this perfect tightrope
of having the world chew him up and spit him out
or single-handedly changing it for the better.
That was Carl.
You know, I used to think naivete was a-- a flaw.
I saw it in Elliot.
I think that's why I acted like such as tiger mom on steroids.
I just wanted to protect him from it all, you know?
Well, take it from someone who has met and dated
every shithead this planet has to offer.
He's a really good kid.
And you should be proud.
You both should.
Anyway, um, I was thinking after Homecoming this weekend,
you could come back and, you know, start generating some billable hours.
I've got a really messy divorce with a 200-page prenup
that's got your name all over it.
- Oh... - So...
- To Molly Singer. - Okay.
I hope your second time around was fun.
And welcome back to reality.
Are you sure we can trust these guys?
Yes, these are my boys.
- We're gonna fuck shit up. Right, guys? - Right.
- Yeah. Yup. - Yeah.
Does anyone have to make before we leave?
- No, we're good. Let's go. - Okay.
Goddammit, Chaz.
Yo, yo.
- Yo. - Oh, sweet. Beers.
- Yeah, I got you. - Perfect.
A little, uh, memory lane action? What brings these out?
I, uh, went to the old apartment in town today.
Ah. Got me feeling a little nostalgic, I guess.
Well, how very Homecoming of you.
Mm.
So as someone who has done it all over again,
how's it going?
Mm. I don't know. Kind of the same.
I guess I just have a lot of, uh,
you know, questions and no answers.
You wanna know what I learned this time around?
Mm. What?
Pride is a double-edged sword.
Right? You're always on my case about that foolish pride of mine.
Well, Miss Nostalgia, let's talk about pride, pride.
Remember that first parade we went to?
Oh, that weekend. I think we murdered a few good brain cells.
Oh, yeah. That's what pride's all about. Right?
It's about celebrating your authentic self
and twinks in Speedos and the rainbow floats
and dikes on bikes.
And that's fun to do, like, one weekend a year,
but then there are those queens who do it all the time.
It's not about the celebration anymore. It's about chasing the high
and they forget what pride was for in the first place.
And the next thing you know, you're 52,
you got skin of leather, you're addicted to meth,
you're sitting at a bus stop with your jock strap all hanging out
and you're talking to some imaginary friend.
I'm sorry, is this story going somewhere?
Yeah. Just...
Don't be the old queen, Molly.
Just don't lose sight of the road ahead.
Mm.
Speaking of which, what's up with the kid?
What do you mean?
The longer this thing goes on,
the worse it's gonna be when he finds out.
I was kind of just hoping I could disappear
and not mention the whole Brenda hiring me thing.
Should I just give you the meth dealer's number now, or...
Hey, I love you, kid.
I do.
Love you.
I will see you in a few hours.
I'm gonna go to bed with this guy.
Mm. Nice guy.
Good night.
Five, six, seven, eight.
One, two, three, four.
- Go Condors! Go! - Go!
Five.
Win!
Go, five, win!
Yes!
Nice! Great work, guys.
Heather, way to stick that landing.
Sully, I need you sliding in a little sooner, okay?
Guys, get some rest. The bus leaves at 10 a.m. tomorrow.
Awesome job! Great job.
- Jeff, do not be late. - Bye, guys.
Hey, guys, a little help with the, uh...
Okay. Fuck me, I guess, right?
Goddammit.
Goddammit!
Hello?
What the fuck?
What's with the masks, guys?
Oh, fuck.
Whoo!
Whoa!
Oh.
Try that shit on me, bitch.
What the fuck was that?
Thought these wings were just for show, huh? Whoo!
Oh, shit.
Ow! Ow.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
What the fuck did you do?
Grab him! Get him. Come on!
Just grab him! Get him!
Get him, get him, get him! Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Ow!
Fuck. Did we kill him?
What do you mean "we"? You.
Where the fuck did you get a golf club anyway?
It was in the back of the car.
Alright, you guys grab his legs, I got his beak. Let's go.
I got the arm.
- Chaz, get a hold of him. - I got him. I got him.
You better pray this fucking asshat wakes up. Come on!
- You guys go first. Let's go. - Alright.
He smells like death.
Yeah, well, look where I'm standing.
Oh, you've got it bad, huh?
- She's pretty amazing, huh? - Yeah.
Listen, um, I wanted to tell you something
- for a while. - What?
Uh, I just wanted to say thank you.
Meeting you and Paulie has been...
the best thing that's ever happened to me.
- It means the world. Thank you. - Mm.
Yeah, you know, um...
Elliot, I, uh...
I just-- I think you're...
You're a good egg.
One of the best.
Why don't you get out there? She's waiting on you.
- Alright. - Yeah, get to dancing.
See you flip out of that, bird bitch.
Look, I don't know what you want.
If this is for ransom, my parents aren't rich.
If-- if this is for some furry fetish thing,
at least give me some drugs so I don't remember.
- What is this? - Do your job, Stu--
Elliot.
"Oh, man, I can't believe we got away with this, Molly Singer."
"I know it, Elliot Steiner."
Why are you using your full names?
We're Scientologist. Okay. Like I said, "Elliott Steiner.
This will totally show those Hill--"
"...Hell-hurst assholes
that you and your Ki Mu brothers rule campus."
- Go Badgers! - Go Badgers!
Wait, this-- this is a Homecoming prank?
What is this? 1969?
I'm gonna sue the shit out of you, uh, Elliot Steiner, and, and--
- What-- what's your name? - Molly Singer. Molly Singer.
- Her name's Molly Singer. - Molly Singer.
- Molly Singer! Fuck off! - You have a good day, sir.
I'm gonna fucking kill you!
You're both so screwed!
- Hey, hey, hey, Stu! - Go, go, go! Go, come on!
Guys, I think Paulie was line dancing when we left.
Hello?
Wait. Where are you?
Okay, uh, no, it-- it's fine. I'll be right there.
I gotta go. My roommate got locked out again
and the RAs refused to let her in because she keeps losing her key.
- Do you want me to go with you? - No, it's fine.
I'm gonna crash for a couple hours anyways,
but we should walk over to the game together.
Sounds good to me.
- I had a really good time. - Me too.
- See you, Mol. - Later, Linds.
Whoo-hoo-hoo.
Steiner, smooth looks good on you.
What the fuck?
Hello?
Uh...
Hello?
Get me the fuck out of here!
Right here, I'm right here.
What's that smell?
It's me, okay, asshole!
I had four Gatorades and I've been locked in this suit all night.
Well, I'm just gonna grab that head, okay?
- Coming in. - Yup. Easy.
Easy. Easy with--
- My ear! - Sorry!
I'm gonna sue you!
And you too. Are you fucking insane? We're not even good at sports!
- My-- my dad's brother. - Your uncle?
Yes. My uncle. He's a fucking lawyer.
Hmm.
He's gonna eat your assholes for breakfast.
- Okay. - All up in there.
I think we should, uh, get you out of here.
- I'm just gonna, uh... Okay. - Analingus.
Undo you.
- What the... - What is going on here?
Hey, hey, hey, hey! Freeze, freeze, freeze!
- Elliot Steiner. - Me?
- Molly Singer? - Yes?
That's Molly Singer. That's the psychopath that kidnapped me.
Wait, what?
Who's Molly Singer?
Are you ever gonna talk to me again?
Okay, fair enough. I deserve that.
You gonna eat that sandwich they give you?
I didn't get a sandwich.
Oh, you will. You will.
- And when you do... - Yeah, yeah, it's all yours.
Fuck, yeah! You're my guy.
You meet the nicest people in jail.
Ooh, yeah. Oh, oh...
Were you ever gonna tell me
that you're working for my mom?
Honestly, I... I don't know. I had no...
No exit strategy.
I just thought I'd-- I'd meet you, pump a few beers in you and--
Beers? Hey, now we're talking.
- Oh, I-- I'm just gonna... - You like beer?
I had an IPA the other day called a Crunchy Rooster.
My entire blueprint for this whole plan was like weird science,
for Christ's sake, but I didn't...
But?
But...
I didn't realize how much I'd like you
and-- and what great friends we'd be, you know?
Friends? Friends.
- Yeah. - Okay.
Steiner, Elliot M.
- Oh. - That's me.
You made bail. Let's go.
Hey, that's great, right?
You know, I thought we'd be friends too.
Steiner, come on-- Okay, I guess I didn't make bail.
You can't make bail till Monday.
You're a lawyer. You should know that.
What about him?
Looks like he had a better lawyer than you.
Oh, thank God. Finally. Are you okay?
Hey, Elliot, where are you going?
Goddammit. This is not a walk away scenario.
Stop it! I don't have the shoes to chase you.
What do you want from me?
No. Uh-uh.
You do not get to have an attitude with me.
I am not the one that went out and got drunk at five in the morning
and then went and kidnapped a goddamn eagle.
It was a condor.
Who the fuck cares what it was?!
You literally hired some chick from your office to infiltrate my school,
pretend to be my best friend and spy on me.
That is an excellent point.
- Jesus Christ. - But--
Where are you going?
To my dorm room.
That is until they expel me.
Damn it.
What do you think?
Too veiny or not veiny enough?
I mean, some people like a veiny ding-dong.
Alright, Dick-casso. I'm gonna need you, like, five feet over there.
Alright, Singer, you just made bail.
Thank you for bailing me out.
Oh, thank your platinum card. So now what?
Well, I have to get dressed for court this morning
to defend myself in a kidnapping charge
and I need you to help figure out who the hell set us up.
Hmm. That's a tough one, Singer.
Whose cornflakes have we been squatting into all semester?
Fucking Stu.
- There she is. - Huh.
Hi. Hello. Hi.
- I'm gonna fucking kill you. - Yeah, we didn't do anything.
Oh, you think I don't know that?
Doesn't matter. You can't prove any of it.
You got my son in this frigging mess.
Yeah, I know. I'm gonna just...
All rise.
The Honorable Raymond Palmer presiding.
Be seated.
Look at this good-looking group.
Alright. What do we have this morning?
Mr. Elliott Steiner and Miss Molly Singer, are you present today?
- Yes, Your Honor. - Yes, Your Honor.
Good start. Okay.
You two are accused of kidnapping
one Mr. Sully Moran, a human being,
and it says here, the Fighting Condor mascot
from Hillhurst University. Are you kidding me?
Mike.
- Yes, Judge. - Yeah. Can we call the law clerk,
make sure these are not the type of cases
- we start a Monday with? - Okay.
Yeah. It really feels like, uh,
mascot kidnapping is a Tuesday afternoon sort of case.
- Okay. - Great.
How do you two plead?
Your Honor, may I make a brief statement?
For the sake of throwing all points of law out the window? No.
- What are you doing? - Ooh, here she comes.
Your Honor, I realize this is just a plea hearing, but I plead with you.
Please listen to me for a moment.
Though I can categorically deny any involvement
in the kidnapping of a stuffed condor, I implore you,
Mr. Steiner had absolutely nothing to do with it.
Any punishment should be directed solely on myself as I was acting as his guardian,
and any actions taken by him would have been done under my direction.
So I moved that all charges be dropped for Mr. Steiner and directed to me.
Myself.
I.
Wow, Mike.
Ay-ay-ay, Miss Singer, that was certainly a gallant gesture on your part.
Thank you, Your Honor.
And absolutely devoid
of literally any semblance of legal merit.
So... I'm sorry,
do we have something to add from the gallery?
Uh, no, I'm sorry, Your Judge, or, I mean, Your Honor.
I'm sorry.
Great. That being said, Mr. Steiner, how do you plead?
Not guilty, Your Honor.
Ms. Singer?
- Not guilty. - Great.
Mr. Steiner, I see that you have counsel present.
Um, Miss Singer, where's your counsel?
I will be representing myself, Your Honor.
Ms. Steiner, would you be interested in a two-for-one?
Oh, no, no, I'm not.
Great. Then may I suggest
you take your shoe and toss it out in the hallway?
And maybe you can clock another lawyer
that can help you with your case.
We're gonna take an hour recess and press on.
All rise.
I know he's not at the Ki Mu house because the asshole is here
and he's with Poles.
Yes. I'm telling you, these two are in it together.
Oh, my God. She's walking up to me. Right now would be a really good time
to find something, Paulie. Gotta go.
Uh, Poles, what the hell are you doing here?
- I have a case downstairs. - Oh.
Mm. But I heard about this and...
- Well, I had to see for myself. - Yeah.
- And-- - And Stu, how did you two meet?
At a hate group convention or is he just one of your hand job pals?
Hand job pals.
Oh, I guess you couldn't even be bothered to even remember my maiden name.
Even though we were in the same pledge class. I'll wait.
Gable?
And when I found out you were making my little brother's life
- as miserable as you made mine... - Hmm.
I knew I had to stop you.
So I'm gonna be there when they march you into prison.
How do you like those hand jobs?
It was worth the carpal tunnel.
Oh, come on, Paulie.
Oh, God. Okay.
Think, Paulie. There's gotta be something.
If somebody else died here, I'm so screwed.
- Relax, no one's dead. Okay? - Cool.
Some prick kidnapped the Hillhurst mascot and is trying to frame Molly
and that Steiner kid we've been hanging out with.
Ugh. Classic college bully move.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure. So I need something,
anything to keep my best friend out of jail.
Oh, uh... Ugh.
Should I tell him? Should I...
If, if I show you something,
you promise to keep it top secret? Shh!
- Maybe. - Walk this way.
Okay.
Where are you taking me? I don't have time for this.
I need to find some evidence that will...
- Trust me. It's worth it. - ...break the case.
- Okay. But what are we doing here? - If I told you...
- I'm waiting. - I'm waiting too.
Oh, come on.
Voila.
What the actual fuck?
What am I looking at here, Scott?
Okay, okay. Before you think that I'm a total creepy perv,
it's just a mustache and some cameras.
So after the pole incident, I got really paranoid.
So it started off with one camera
and now we're looking at, uh, six of these big boys.
You sick Sliver watching motherfucker!
Please tell me these things record.
- Fuck, yeah, they do. - Sweet!
Again, not a perv. Just paranoid.
- Most of the time. - Okay.
I occasionally come in here and whack it.
Not often though.
Can I sit?
Yeah, go ahead.
Alright.
So, how's Lindsay?
- She's good. - Good.
You know, no matter how much I-- I do wanna hate you,
I do realize that I would have never had the courage to talk to her again.
Really, the courage to do anything.
So whether you were paid or not to do it, thank you.
Well, I think I should be the one thanking you
'cause without you, I never would have realized
that my best years are yet to come.
Not just in my rearview.
But I'm really sorry I didn't say anything.
We're gonna go to fucking jail, aren't we?
No. No, we are not, not going to jail.
Got my best guy on it.
Molly Singer!
I swear to God, I didn't know that was gonna happen.
Singer! Molly!
- Paulie? - Got it!
- Hmm. I guess you got something.
- Yeah. - Some information we need or something?
Are you okay?
Not okay.
And wheezing a lot.
Uh...
Alright, so what am I looking at here?
Your Honor, new evidence has come to light that clears my client and Miss Singer.
You didn't think to lead with it?
Well, it just became available to us a few minutes ago, Your Honor.
Good.
"Oh, man, I can't believe we got away with this, Molly Singer."
"I know it, Elliot Steiner."
Why are you using your full names?
Is that the jackhole that was laughing in my courtroom this morning?
- Elliot Steiner... - Stuart Gable.
He's a fraternity brother of Mr. Steiner's
and was trying to get him kicked out of school.
"...that you and your Ki Mu brothers rule campus."
And-- and who's this Meryl Streep over here?
- Go Badgers! - Trina Delgado.
She's trying a case downstairs as we speak.
Uh, she's a lawyer as well?
Yes, Your Honor.
You know, what is going on with law school?
Are they just letting anybody in these days?
Is it the new math? Is that it?
Participation law degrees? You know what?
Just save it, don't wanna hear it. Case dismissed. Mike!
Yes, Judge.
I need you to round up some more idiots.
Okay.
Thank you, sir.
You, sir, have no idea what you're doing!
I will have all of your jobs, do you hear me?!
- Do you know who I am? - Fine. Just call Dad, alright?
- Just call Dad! - What about this clit, Molly!?
- Just call Dad... - Hey, Poles,
how you like them hand jobs?
I hope someone rollerblades over your vagina, Molly!
- What? - What?
It's an interesting crowd you two hang out with.
Yeah.
Uh...
Not bad.
I guess I'll see you around.
Yeah. See you later, Steiner.
- Bye. - Bye.
Oh. There you are.
Yep, I'm here. Oh, God.
Uh, didn't you just drive here?
I could have in hindsight.
- I, I could have. - I...
- So you ran. - You're right. I...
I didn't have to. But I did.
- Let's get you some water. - Okay.
I know a lot of people think if they had the chance
to do it all over again, they would.
Well, I'm here to tell you, when it comes to your life,
it's all about living your present.
Constantly looking back will just give you a neck ache.
Elliot certainly got what he wanted.
President of his pledge class
and completely reshaped Ki Mu from the ground up.
Paulie finished first in his ed psych class,
graduated with honors,
won back his family's respect.
And now he's shooting for his master's degree in education.
Trust fund!
You know, for the kids and shit.
And me...
I finally realized what I liked doing.
Helping those shy caterpillars become full motherfucking butterflies.
Everybody says that college is the best four to seven,
maybe nine years of your life.
I used to be a firm believer in that axiom
until a really good friend showed me
life does get better as we get older.
It just takes longer for some of us to realize.
Uh, Amy, here's the thing.
We've been traveling the past few years
dedicating our lives to helping children in need.
I'm sorry.
You know, I'm sorry. The--
So, sorry--
Really sorry about that.
This is the same shit they give to Armstrong
- for the Tour de France. - What?
Relax. I'm just joking.
Fuck, what did you want me to say?
If we win,
Elliot gets a bid into Ki Mu, but if we...
Hold on. Let me try again.
Oh, you got it on the other side.
Good.
Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson.
Oh. Mayor Pete. Mayor Pete. Mayor Pete. Mayor Pete. Mayor Pete...
Hey, I don't know if you-- oh!
- Get the fuck out of here, bro! - Aah! I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
- Shit. - So like this? Like...
- Mm. - Yeah, yeah, you're totally getting it.
Or was it cross-country like...
Mrs. Zimmerman, I know I'm late on last month's rent,
but I did finally get to your groceries.
- Ah! Oh, my God. Whoa. - Oh, Molly. What a treat.
You do love buffets.
Yeah, we are going downtown.
Oh, oh!
Goddammit.
Scott, I'm gonna need you to give me the-- the footage. Okay?
I'm gonna need you to remove your pants, in which case footage is yours.
That is no. Give me the fucking footage
and get me out of fucking Freddy's Nightmares.
Fuck you, Elliot Steinberg!
- Steiner. - Steinerstein.
- Steiner. - Steinman.
What-- what are you doing?
Trying not to blow our cover.
What? Most of these kids-- Oh, fuck.
Fucked it. Fucked it up.
Okay, go back to one...
I want your undies on your head, please.
- I'm mic-ed up though. - Stu!
Okay.
Alright. Um...
And now...
Yeah, okay.
I'm crying. Okay. Okay. Maybe I'll just back it up a second.
Okay. No, no.
No, no, I can do it. I can do it. Um...
It's Michael, take two.
You like beer? I had an IPA the other day called, uh, Gnarly Beaver.
I had an IPA the other day called Swollen Frog.
Beers, huh? I had you pegged for more of a skinny Margarita girl.
Oh, yeah, I do love those.
You know what? I take it back.
Not gonna fuck you. Swipe left.
Fuck you.