1 00:00:01,112 --> 00:00:04,285 [suspenseful music] 2 00:00:04,318 --> 00:00:05,622 [thunder rumbling] 3 00:00:05,655 --> 00:00:06,724 LAURA: Oh, my God. 4 00:00:06,757 --> 00:00:09,796 ♪ ♪ 5 00:00:09,830 --> 00:00:11,032 Oh, my God. 6 00:00:11,065 --> 00:00:14,038 [panting] 7 00:00:15,808 --> 00:00:18,179 [screams] 8 00:00:18,213 --> 00:00:20,585 [groaning] 9 00:00:20,618 --> 00:00:24,258 ♪ ♪ 10 00:00:24,292 --> 00:00:28,066 [screaming] 11 00:00:29,368 --> 00:00:31,439 By the power of Hephzibah, 12 00:00:31,472 --> 00:00:34,478 I compel you to oblivion! 13 00:00:34,513 --> 00:00:38,053 [groaning] 14 00:00:38,086 --> 00:00:38,821 [plops wetly] 15 00:00:38,854 --> 00:00:40,457 [grunts] 16 00:00:40,491 --> 00:00:43,564 [baby crying] 17 00:00:43,598 --> 00:00:46,804 Oh, a girl. 18 00:00:50,110 --> 00:00:53,083 [dramatic music] 19 00:00:53,116 --> 00:00:57,458 ♪ ♪ 20 00:01:00,097 --> 00:01:01,567 You'll need a needle for that one, Christina. 21 00:01:01,600 --> 00:01:03,470 That's cystic. - You're cystic. 22 00:01:03,504 --> 00:01:04,840 How do you know what I need? 23 00:01:04,873 --> 00:01:06,543 - Because I'm your mother, and mothers know best. 24 00:01:06,577 --> 00:01:08,681 - Oh, you're right, Mother. You do know best. 25 00:01:08,714 --> 00:01:10,484 I'm so glad you moved us to a new town 26 00:01:10,518 --> 00:01:11,654 in the middle of a school year 27 00:01:11,687 --> 00:01:13,390 so I get to restart seventh grade 28 00:01:13,423 --> 00:01:14,726 with a whole new group of kids. 29 00:01:14,760 --> 00:01:16,329 - Look, I know it's not ideal, 30 00:01:16,362 --> 00:01:18,300 but--but don't blame me for the economy, okay? 31 00:01:18,333 --> 00:01:19,870 I got to go where the work is. - Mom! 32 00:01:19,903 --> 00:01:21,339 [tires screeching] - [gasps] 33 00:01:21,372 --> 00:01:24,145 - Use the crosswalk, you little gremlin! 34 00:01:24,178 --> 00:01:25,682 Whew, you're lucky your mom's got the reflexes 35 00:01:25,715 --> 00:01:26,884 of a goddamn cheetah. 36 00:01:26,917 --> 00:01:28,420 - I'm walking the rest of the way. 37 00:01:28,453 --> 00:01:29,723 I can't stand another minute with you. 38 00:01:29,756 --> 00:01:30,792 [locks clicking] 39 00:01:30,825 --> 00:01:32,194 - Are you sure you're okay? 40 00:01:32,227 --> 00:01:33,731 - Yeah, I'm fine. LAURA: What's going on? 41 00:01:33,764 --> 00:01:35,400 You feeling fussy? CHRISSY: What? 42 00:01:35,434 --> 00:01:36,436 - Your little rosebuds tender? 43 00:01:36,469 --> 00:01:37,438 Tell me. - Stop it! 44 00:01:37,471 --> 00:01:38,541 Ew, Mom! - Let me feel. 45 00:01:38,574 --> 00:01:39,676 - Get off of me! - Let me feel them! 46 00:01:39,710 --> 00:01:41,245 Hey, does this hurt? - Goodbye! 47 00:01:41,279 --> 00:01:43,216 - And don't forget new school rules! 48 00:01:43,249 --> 00:01:46,790 Assume everyone is a murderer until proven otherwise! 49 00:01:46,824 --> 00:01:48,293 Christina? [school bell ringing] 50 00:01:48,326 --> 00:01:49,730 ["Magic" by The Linda Lindas] 51 00:01:49,763 --> 00:01:52,736 STUDENT 1: All of my favorite actors got cancelled. 52 00:01:52,769 --> 00:01:54,472 STUDENT 2: And I was like, "Yes, Mom, 53 00:01:54,506 --> 00:01:56,175 I do love my followers more than you." 54 00:01:56,209 --> 00:01:56,877 STUDENT 3: Is that a new girl? 55 00:01:56,910 --> 00:01:58,514 [laughs] 56 00:01:58,547 --> 00:01:59,816 SINGER: ♪ No one would judge me ♪ 57 00:01:59,850 --> 00:02:01,419 - Ooh. 58 00:02:01,452 --> 00:02:02,522 SINGER: ♪ For wanting to be by myself ♪ 59 00:02:02,555 --> 00:02:06,329 ♪ But I'm already invisible enough ♪ 60 00:02:06,362 --> 00:02:09,101 ♪ Without anybody else's help ♪ 61 00:02:10,772 --> 00:02:12,174 - Hey, guy. 62 00:02:12,207 --> 00:02:14,746 Mind if I share this locker with you? 63 00:02:14,780 --> 00:02:16,182 STUDENT: Hey, heads up! 64 00:02:16,215 --> 00:02:17,786 Bye, you motherfucker! - [whimpers] 65 00:02:17,819 --> 00:02:19,890 - Gotcha, little one. [chuckles] 66 00:02:19,923 --> 00:02:22,294 Um, hi. - Hi. 67 00:02:22,328 --> 00:02:25,434 - I believe this 30-legged friendly centipede is yours. 68 00:02:25,467 --> 00:02:27,304 - Oh! Oh, yeah, thanks. BEN: Yeah. 69 00:02:27,338 --> 00:02:28,741 You're new here, right? CHRISSY: Uh-huh. 70 00:02:28,774 --> 00:02:31,379 - I'm Bennigan, resident self-appointed school greeter. 71 00:02:31,412 --> 00:02:32,749 - Oh, hi. [chuckles] 72 00:02:32,782 --> 00:02:34,586 I'm Chrissy. - Hi. 73 00:02:34,619 --> 00:02:36,657 - Did you know the technical name of the house centipede 74 00:02:36,690 --> 00:02:38,393 is Scutigera... BOTH: Coleoptrata. 75 00:02:38,426 --> 00:02:39,796 - Yeah. CHRISSY: Oh, you knew! 76 00:02:39,830 --> 00:02:42,167 - I totally knew. [awkward laughter] 77 00:02:42,201 --> 00:02:44,171 STUDENT: Nerds! 78 00:02:44,205 --> 00:02:46,442 - So there's, like, this party tonight 79 00:02:46,476 --> 00:02:49,348 at the abandoned Taco Chateau on Concord Pike. 80 00:02:49,382 --> 00:02:51,319 You should go. And I'll go. 81 00:02:51,352 --> 00:02:53,591 And then, that way, we're kind of going together. 82 00:02:53,624 --> 00:02:54,659 - Uh-- [groans] 83 00:02:54,693 --> 00:02:56,597 - Huh? - Uh, okay. 84 00:02:56,630 --> 00:02:58,400 I have to bathroom now. 85 00:02:58,433 --> 00:02:59,669 - Oh. - Oh, my God. 86 00:02:59,703 --> 00:03:00,838 Please forget I just said that. 87 00:03:00,872 --> 00:03:02,776 - Oh, yeah, yeah. - [laughing awkwardly] 88 00:03:02,809 --> 00:03:05,748 - Don't worry, I flushed it from my memory, so... 89 00:03:05,782 --> 00:03:08,754 [ominous music] 90 00:03:08,788 --> 00:03:10,925 ♪ ♪ 91 00:03:10,958 --> 00:03:12,595 - Probably shouldn't have eaten that block of cheese 92 00:03:12,629 --> 00:03:13,898 last night. 93 00:03:13,931 --> 00:03:16,335 [groans] What the hell? 94 00:03:16,369 --> 00:03:17,605 [gasps] 95 00:03:17,639 --> 00:03:19,208 No, no, no, no, no, no, no. 96 00:03:19,241 --> 00:03:20,477 Not today. [door opens] 97 00:03:20,511 --> 00:03:21,547 STUDENT 1: Come on, get in here. 98 00:03:21,580 --> 00:03:22,782 BEN: May I suggest the boys' room? 99 00:03:22,816 --> 00:03:24,686 Men have taken so much from women already. 100 00:03:24,720 --> 00:03:26,322 STUDENT 1: Girls don't poo-poo, dumbass. 101 00:03:26,355 --> 00:03:27,424 God, I hate nerds. - [gasps] 102 00:03:27,458 --> 00:03:28,594 Bennigan. STUDENT 2: Me too. 103 00:03:28,627 --> 00:03:31,365 My mom left my awesome dad for a nerd. 104 00:03:31,399 --> 00:03:34,539 Now instead of football games, we visit historical bridges. 105 00:03:34,573 --> 00:03:35,908 - Bridges? Gross! 106 00:03:35,942 --> 00:03:37,746 STUDENT 2: Now let's get you on my livestream 107 00:03:37,779 --> 00:03:40,952 so everyone can watch you bleed. 108 00:03:40,985 --> 00:03:44,225 - Ah, this feels like a big escalation from swirlies, man. 109 00:03:44,258 --> 00:03:47,565 But we graduate this year, and so should our violence. 110 00:03:47,599 --> 00:03:48,567 [dripping] - [gasps] 111 00:03:48,601 --> 00:03:49,970 STUDENT 2: Hey, shh. 112 00:03:50,003 --> 00:03:51,439 You hear that drippy drip? 113 00:03:51,472 --> 00:03:52,776 - That ain't no leaky faucet. 114 00:03:52,809 --> 00:03:58,019 ♪ ♪ 115 00:03:58,052 --> 00:04:00,357 - Ah! - Oh, it's a freaky new girl. 116 00:04:00,390 --> 00:04:01,392 [laughing] STUDENT 1: Guess I was wrong 117 00:04:01,426 --> 00:04:02,562 about them not poo-pooing. 118 00:04:02,595 --> 00:04:04,298 - Nah, dude. That's no dookie. 119 00:04:04,331 --> 00:04:07,705 Freaky new girl's blossomed into freaky new woman. 120 00:04:07,739 --> 00:04:08,941 - Please don't. 121 00:04:08,974 --> 00:04:11,747 - Say hi to the world, Bloody Mary. 122 00:04:11,780 --> 00:04:13,784 [laughter and voices echoing] 123 00:04:13,818 --> 00:04:14,920 STUDENT 1: You hear what I said? 124 00:04:14,953 --> 00:04:15,988 STUDENT 2: You called her Bloody Mary 125 00:04:16,022 --> 00:04:17,592 'cause she's got her period stain. 126 00:04:19,963 --> 00:04:22,936 [sinister music] 127 00:04:22,969 --> 00:04:23,971 [glass shatters] 128 00:04:24,004 --> 00:04:27,545 - [breathes raspingly] 129 00:04:27,579 --> 00:04:29,583 - [gasps] 130 00:04:29,616 --> 00:04:30,852 - [growling] 131 00:04:30,885 --> 00:04:32,020 - [screaming] 132 00:04:32,054 --> 00:04:33,456 BEN: Aah, his legs! 133 00:04:33,491 --> 00:04:35,427 [both yelling] 134 00:04:35,460 --> 00:04:37,665 [music swells] 135 00:04:37,699 --> 00:04:38,701 - [snarls] 136 00:04:38,734 --> 00:04:39,870 - [screams] 137 00:04:41,339 --> 00:04:43,443 [squelching] 138 00:04:43,476 --> 00:04:44,613 BEN: Whoa. 139 00:04:44,646 --> 00:04:47,017 I'm not a proponent of violence, 140 00:04:47,050 --> 00:04:50,758 but that was irrefutably cathartic. 141 00:04:50,792 --> 00:04:53,697 - [howling] 142 00:04:59,643 --> 00:05:00,812 [both pant] 143 00:05:00,845 --> 00:05:03,349 - So-- - So... 144 00:05:03,383 --> 00:05:06,757 So about that party, is that invite still-- 145 00:05:06,790 --> 00:05:07,892 - Yes! - Oh! 146 00:05:07,926 --> 00:05:09,061 - Yes. - Sweet. 147 00:05:09,094 --> 00:05:10,498 - Great. - That's great. 148 00:05:10,531 --> 00:05:11,767 See you at there then. - Cool. 149 00:05:11,800 --> 00:05:13,504 - [chuckles awkwardly] 150 00:05:15,675 --> 00:05:16,977 [splatting] 151 00:05:17,010 --> 00:05:19,816 - Exit the building in an orderly fashion! 152 00:05:19,850 --> 00:05:22,722 [screaming] I said orderly! 153 00:05:22,755 --> 00:05:24,493 - [panting] [horn honks] 154 00:05:24,526 --> 00:05:25,528 [tires screeching] 155 00:05:25,561 --> 00:05:26,630 Mom? 156 00:05:26,663 --> 00:05:27,866 - Get in now. Come on. 157 00:05:27,899 --> 00:05:29,468 Here, here. 158 00:05:29,503 --> 00:05:30,838 Salt your hair and burn this photo of yourself. 159 00:05:30,872 --> 00:05:32,976 - What? Why? What's happening? 160 00:05:33,009 --> 00:05:34,679 LAURA: Look, I'm sorry for putting this off. 161 00:05:34,713 --> 00:05:36,349 Your dad is the Devil, 162 00:05:36,382 --> 00:05:37,886 and you're his mortal conduit to Earth, 163 00:05:37,919 --> 00:05:39,756 known to Bible-y types as the Antichrist. 164 00:05:39,789 --> 00:05:41,927 - What the fuck? 165 00:05:41,960 --> 00:05:44,398 - You got your period and made that hole in the sky, 166 00:05:44,431 --> 00:05:46,402 and now your dad knows where to find you, so we got to go. 167 00:05:46,435 --> 00:05:47,939 - But you said my dad was dead. 168 00:05:47,972 --> 00:05:50,611 - I said not alive. Fasten your seatbelt, honey. 169 00:05:50,645 --> 00:05:52,515 And if you have any questions about feminine hygiene, 170 00:05:52,549 --> 00:05:54,485 there's a pamphlet in the glovebox right under the gun. 171 00:05:54,519 --> 00:05:55,487 - Gun? 172 00:06:00,965 --> 00:06:02,134 - That's one brave parakeet. 173 00:06:02,167 --> 00:06:03,704 - Hope he stays off Twitter. - [groans] 174 00:06:03,737 --> 00:06:06,042 In other news, the sky over a local junior high 175 00:06:06,075 --> 00:06:07,712 has torn open, 176 00:06:07,745 --> 00:06:10,450 leaving a cosmic black void over Middletown. 177 00:06:10,483 --> 00:06:11,920 REPORTER 1: Authorities have no details 178 00:06:11,954 --> 00:06:13,924 about the black hole's origin or purpose. 179 00:06:13,958 --> 00:06:15,026 REPORTER 2: But whatever it wants, 180 00:06:15,060 --> 00:06:16,697 you can bet it won't 181 00:06:16,730 --> 00:06:18,099 be keeping us from Shayla Rosenblatt's 182 00:06:18,132 --> 00:06:19,603 birthday after-party 183 00:06:19,636 --> 00:06:22,474 at the abandoned Taco Chateau on Concord Pike. 184 00:06:22,508 --> 00:06:23,877 Access Hollywood is next. 185 00:06:23,911 --> 00:06:26,048 [dialing] 186 00:06:26,082 --> 00:06:28,554 [dramatic music] 187 00:06:28,587 --> 00:06:30,190 CHIEF: Put him on. 188 00:06:30,223 --> 00:06:31,994 The Pope. 189 00:06:32,027 --> 00:06:33,497 You goofy rascal. 190 00:06:33,530 --> 00:06:35,033 You answer your own phone? 191 00:06:35,066 --> 00:06:37,605 The black hole has arrived. 192 00:06:37,639 --> 00:06:41,012 The time has come for me to thwart Satan's fiendish plan 193 00:06:41,045 --> 00:06:43,851 by killing his spawn, the Antichrist. 194 00:06:43,884 --> 00:06:47,926 My forces assemble in Middletown as we speak, and-- 195 00:06:47,959 --> 00:06:49,562 someone's beeping in? 196 00:06:49,596 --> 00:06:51,198 Oh, no. Please grab it. 197 00:06:51,232 --> 00:06:53,971 I'll call you when the child is dead. 198 00:06:56,610 --> 00:06:58,514 - Take it all! [screams] 199 00:06:58,547 --> 00:07:00,083 - I liked things the way they were. 200 00:07:00,116 --> 00:07:02,889 - I'm supposed to accept that you had sex with Satan, 201 00:07:02,922 --> 00:07:03,991 or anyone? 202 00:07:04,024 --> 00:07:05,595 - Ha, tight burn! 203 00:07:05,628 --> 00:07:07,699 Fact, Chrissy, all women were girls. 204 00:07:07,732 --> 00:07:09,769 All girls make choices, and half of those are bad. 205 00:07:09,803 --> 00:07:13,042 - So--so moving 14 times in eight years wasn't for work? 206 00:07:13,076 --> 00:07:15,146 - No, it was so your dad couldn't track us, 207 00:07:15,180 --> 00:07:16,617 except when we left Vermont. 208 00:07:16,650 --> 00:07:17,919 I cannot deal with those fucking hippies. 209 00:07:17,952 --> 00:07:19,623 Look, I was trying to give you 210 00:07:19,656 --> 00:07:21,493 some glimmer of a normal childhood. 211 00:07:21,526 --> 00:07:22,862 Okay? - Normal? 212 00:07:22,895 --> 00:07:25,000 Nothing's normal about my life! Are you mental? 213 00:07:25,033 --> 00:07:28,106 I have no friends, and I just exploded two bullies! 214 00:07:28,139 --> 00:07:29,909 - Bullies? Did they hurt you, Christina? 215 00:07:29,943 --> 00:07:30,945 Because if they did, I swear to God-- 216 00:07:30,978 --> 00:07:31,947 - They're dead! 217 00:07:31,980 --> 00:07:33,483 [glass shattering] 218 00:07:33,517 --> 00:07:35,153 [tires skidding] 219 00:07:35,186 --> 00:07:36,990 - Okay, they're dead, yes, 220 00:07:37,024 --> 00:07:38,961 but in this family, we don't dwell on the past. 221 00:07:38,994 --> 00:07:40,731 We look to the future, and in our future, 222 00:07:40,765 --> 00:07:42,902 there's an Inuit fishing village in Alaska 223 00:07:42,935 --> 00:07:45,808 that's so remote, it'll make that ghost town in Wyoming 224 00:07:45,841 --> 00:07:48,479 look like Shanghai. - No, no, not this time. 225 00:07:48,514 --> 00:07:50,951 No, I made my first friend, and he's a boy, 226 00:07:50,985 --> 00:07:53,089 and he invited me to my first party. 227 00:07:53,122 --> 00:07:54,559 - And your vagina just became 228 00:07:54,592 --> 00:07:56,062 a homing device for the Prince of Darkness. 229 00:07:56,095 --> 00:07:58,266 - My dad's not the one who's been gaslighting me 230 00:07:58,299 --> 00:07:59,769 my entire life. 231 00:07:59,803 --> 00:08:01,606 Maybe I want him to find me. 232 00:08:01,640 --> 00:08:03,276 - Oh, you better choose your next words carefully. 233 00:08:03,309 --> 00:08:05,280 - Come and get me, Satan! 234 00:08:05,313 --> 00:08:08,821 - Oh, that is what I didn't want you to say! 235 00:08:08,854 --> 00:08:10,591 We're packing, then leaving. - Get off of me. 236 00:08:10,624 --> 00:08:12,962 - Oh, hey, Laur, I left your sugar in the mailbox. 237 00:08:12,996 --> 00:08:15,133 Oh, God, what do you make of this thing, huh? 238 00:08:15,166 --> 00:08:16,703 Biblical or the media? 239 00:08:16,737 --> 00:08:18,106 - You never know these days, Darlene. 240 00:08:18,139 --> 00:08:20,276 DARLENE: Yeah, you never do know, do you? 241 00:08:20,310 --> 00:08:21,245 You don't know anything... CHRISSY: Let go of me! 242 00:08:21,278 --> 00:08:22,180 DARLENE: Until you know it. - Get off of me! 243 00:08:22,214 --> 00:08:23,784 DARLENE: And then you don't-- - Come on! 244 00:08:23,817 --> 00:08:24,753 CHRISSY: Ah! LAURA: Come on. 245 00:08:24,786 --> 00:08:25,988 CHRISSY: No! - Come on. 246 00:08:26,022 --> 00:08:29,094 - God! Everything you ever told me is a lie. 247 00:08:29,128 --> 00:08:31,298 - I lied to protect you, and I don't regret it for a second. 248 00:08:31,332 --> 00:08:33,302 - The only thing I need protection from is you. 249 00:08:33,336 --> 00:08:35,073 - Oh, you wouldn't last a day in the real world without me. 250 00:08:35,106 --> 00:08:36,242 - You're a bitch! 251 00:08:36,275 --> 00:08:37,678 - And you're an ungrateful asshole. 252 00:08:37,712 --> 00:08:39,181 - [screams] - [gasps] 253 00:08:39,214 --> 00:08:40,918 Touché. 254 00:08:40,951 --> 00:08:42,287 Now change your pants, sweetheart. 255 00:08:43,657 --> 00:08:46,530 [wind whooshing] 256 00:08:46,563 --> 00:08:47,932 - You banged the Devil 257 00:08:47,965 --> 00:08:50,771 'cause he's the only one who would actually go there. 258 00:08:50,805 --> 00:08:52,642 Damn, that's what I should have said to her. 259 00:08:52,675 --> 00:08:53,811 [gasps] 260 00:08:53,844 --> 00:08:55,881 - We can take you away from here. 261 00:08:55,915 --> 00:08:59,589 - First, you must agree to see your father. 262 00:08:59,622 --> 00:09:01,760 - Oh, my dad sent you? 263 00:09:01,793 --> 00:09:03,797 If I agree to do that, can I get a ride 264 00:09:03,831 --> 00:09:05,668 to the abandoned Taco Chateau on Concord Pike? 265 00:09:05,701 --> 00:09:07,204 - That would not be an issue. 266 00:09:07,237 --> 00:09:09,041 - Actually, we are not authorized 267 00:09:09,074 --> 00:09:10,678 to make that promise, 268 00:09:10,711 --> 00:09:12,615 but nothing is off the table. 269 00:09:12,648 --> 00:09:15,921 Your father is well able to provide. 270 00:09:15,955 --> 00:09:18,594 - Okay. I agree to see my father. 271 00:09:21,265 --> 00:09:23,670 [distant screaming] 272 00:09:25,941 --> 00:09:27,010 Whoa! LAURA: I will not learn 273 00:09:27,043 --> 00:09:28,881 their names, but you can bring one-- 274 00:09:28,914 --> 00:09:32,120 [gunfire] 275 00:09:32,154 --> 00:09:33,222 - Finished? 276 00:09:33,256 --> 00:09:36,061 - Almost. Last one's silver. 277 00:09:36,095 --> 00:09:38,299 - [screams] 278 00:09:38,332 --> 00:09:39,301 - No! [thudding] 279 00:09:39,334 --> 00:09:40,638 Damn it! 280 00:09:40,671 --> 00:09:42,675 [sucks teeth] Ugh. 281 00:09:42,708 --> 00:09:43,944 [cows moo, plop] 282 00:09:43,977 --> 00:09:47,718 [grunting] 283 00:09:47,752 --> 00:09:50,356 Aah-- 284 00:09:50,390 --> 00:09:52,795 no! 285 00:09:52,829 --> 00:09:55,634 You're not smashing me until you look at me. 286 00:09:55,668 --> 00:09:56,703 Look at me! 287 00:09:56,736 --> 00:09:57,972 Piece of shit. 288 00:09:58,005 --> 00:09:59,709 You poser, Wiccan slut. 289 00:09:59,742 --> 00:10:02,380 Now raise your hand if you fucked the Devil. 290 00:10:02,414 --> 00:10:06,355 Now keep your hand up if you knew this day was coming. 291 00:10:06,388 --> 00:10:09,963 Now let's go smash some shit that makes a difference. 292 00:10:09,996 --> 00:10:12,969 [epic music] 293 00:10:13,002 --> 00:10:18,714 ♪ ♪ 294 00:10:18,747 --> 00:10:20,718 [mice squeaking] 295 00:10:20,751 --> 00:10:22,855 IRWIN: Good luck. LAURA: Shut up, Irwin. 296 00:10:22,889 --> 00:10:24,291 [dramatic music plays] 297 00:10:24,324 --> 00:10:27,197 - It appears the black hole has stopped sucking. 298 00:10:27,230 --> 00:10:28,700 - Some fact-thumping scientist said 299 00:10:28,734 --> 00:10:29,936 that this hole will suck forever. 300 00:10:29,969 --> 00:10:31,071 What a fucking joke. 301 00:10:31,105 --> 00:10:32,775 Now let's rock it out tonight 302 00:10:32,809 --> 00:10:34,979 at Shayla Rosenblatt's birthday after-party! 303 00:10:35,013 --> 00:10:36,415 [cheering] 304 00:10:36,448 --> 00:10:38,921 - Real estate inspector. How about yourself? 305 00:10:38,954 --> 00:10:41,025 - I purge the world of demonic forces 306 00:10:41,058 --> 00:10:43,764 for the supreme pontiff of the universal church. 307 00:10:43,797 --> 00:10:45,233 - Business trip? Pleasure? 308 00:10:45,266 --> 00:10:47,170 - They say do what you love. [chuckles] 309 00:10:47,204 --> 00:10:49,274 And I love nothing more than cutting out the heart 310 00:10:49,308 --> 00:10:51,880 of an adolescent girl for monetary gain. 311 00:10:51,913 --> 00:10:54,384 - Swap girl with drywall and heart with mold damage, 312 00:10:54,418 --> 00:10:56,121 and we basically have the same job. 313 00:10:56,155 --> 00:10:57,925 [laughter] 314 00:10:57,959 --> 00:11:01,098 [suspenseful music] 315 00:11:01,131 --> 00:11:03,002 - I think her mother killed him. 316 00:11:03,035 --> 00:11:05,708 - He was the best of us, but we must move on. 317 00:11:05,741 --> 00:11:08,246 It's what [shriek] would have wanted. 318 00:11:08,279 --> 00:11:10,283 - And she says, "I lied to protect you." 319 00:11:10,316 --> 00:11:12,053 - She sounds like a bitch. - That's what I said. 320 00:11:12,087 --> 00:11:13,422 [dramatic chord] 321 00:11:13,456 --> 00:11:14,726 Huh? 322 00:11:14,759 --> 00:11:16,830 DEVIL: It's been prophesized 323 00:11:16,863 --> 00:11:18,767 since time began. ALL: Whoo! 324 00:11:18,800 --> 00:11:21,071 DEVIL: And now, they are finally united, 325 00:11:21,105 --> 00:11:22,975 the dastardly duo 326 00:11:23,009 --> 00:11:26,181 who will alter the universe for the rest of time. 327 00:11:26,215 --> 00:11:28,352 [engine revving, tires screeching] 328 00:11:28,386 --> 00:11:31,458 Come to your father, Damien. 329 00:11:33,229 --> 00:11:35,300 Not getting a Damien vibe. 330 00:11:36,736 --> 00:11:38,439 Huh, you're a girl. 331 00:11:38,472 --> 00:11:40,844 The future is female! 332 00:11:40,878 --> 00:11:42,480 I support and believe you. 333 00:11:42,515 --> 00:11:45,220 Wait, hold on, you'll like this man suit better. 334 00:11:47,190 --> 00:11:49,729 Congrats on shedding first blood! 335 00:11:49,762 --> 00:11:52,434 - Ew! Can everyone please stop talking about my period? 336 00:11:52,467 --> 00:11:54,371 - Oh, God. No, gross. 337 00:11:54,404 --> 00:11:55,975 Did your mom tell you that? [glass breaking] 338 00:11:56,008 --> 00:11:57,878 I'm talking about the teens you murdered. 339 00:11:57,912 --> 00:11:59,515 - I didn't mean to. - Don't let other people's 340 00:11:59,549 --> 00:12:02,788 moral laws make you think what you did was wrong. 341 00:12:02,822 --> 00:12:05,995 Together, you and I can create a future without rules, 342 00:12:06,028 --> 00:12:07,965 where you can call your own shots, 343 00:12:07,999 --> 00:12:10,169 live the life you want to live. 344 00:12:10,203 --> 00:12:11,973 Thoughts? - Yeah, I've got thoughts. 345 00:12:12,007 --> 00:12:13,476 Where have you been my whole life? 346 00:12:13,510 --> 00:12:15,413 And what do I have that you suddenly want? 347 00:12:15,446 --> 00:12:18,052 - Baby, I'm not a deadbeat dad. You were stolen. 348 00:12:18,085 --> 00:12:20,758 And I couldn't find you until you came into your powers. 349 00:12:20,791 --> 00:12:23,997 There are these fucking cosmic laws I can't break. 350 00:12:24,031 --> 00:12:25,366 That's why I'm not in hell. 351 00:12:25,400 --> 00:12:27,805 - Wait, this isn't hell? - Shit, no. 352 00:12:27,838 --> 00:12:30,109 This is the metaphysical realm. 353 00:12:30,143 --> 00:12:31,780 CHRISSY: Hmm, fancy. [swing music playing] 354 00:12:31,813 --> 00:12:33,884 DEVIL: Hipsters call it the Fringe, 355 00:12:33,917 --> 00:12:36,055 which makes me want to punch a hole in my face. 356 00:12:36,088 --> 00:12:39,094 It's like the central hub for all unearthly realms. 357 00:12:39,127 --> 00:12:40,463 Think port authority, 358 00:12:40,497 --> 00:12:43,169 but with much, much, much more urine 359 00:12:43,202 --> 00:12:44,806 and fewer bomb threats. 360 00:12:44,839 --> 00:12:46,275 - So if I call the shots, 361 00:12:46,308 --> 00:12:47,945 does that mean I don't have to listen to anyone? 362 00:12:47,979 --> 00:12:49,281 - Look at that guy. 363 00:12:49,314 --> 00:12:51,418 He's got a bird head, and he craps bubbles. 364 00:12:51,452 --> 00:12:53,055 I thought that was pretty cool. 365 00:12:53,089 --> 00:12:54,257 What's your name, by the way? 366 00:12:54,291 --> 00:12:55,928 - Christina. 367 00:12:55,961 --> 00:12:57,230 - Course she named you that. 368 00:12:57,263 --> 00:12:59,401 - And I'm like, "Oh, okay, Rhonda, 369 00:12:59,434 --> 00:13:01,405 "so you're saying a black hole's the reason 370 00:13:01,438 --> 00:13:03,543 your husband's been cheating on you for three years?" 371 00:13:03,577 --> 00:13:05,113 Oh, hey, did you get in touch 372 00:13:05,146 --> 00:13:06,983 with that guy I told you about, Eric? 373 00:13:07,017 --> 00:13:09,889 He's sweet and rich and a geropsychologist. 374 00:13:09,922 --> 00:13:11,125 - Yeah, I'd rather fist a dog 375 00:13:11,158 --> 00:13:12,895 than be in a relationship, Darlene. 376 00:13:12,928 --> 00:13:14,464 DARLENE: Lambskin? What are you, a druid? 377 00:13:14,499 --> 00:13:15,968 You're so retro. 378 00:13:16,001 --> 00:13:17,404 Oh, but that should come in handy tonight 379 00:13:17,437 --> 00:13:19,308 for Shayla Rosenblatt's birthday after-party. 380 00:13:19,341 --> 00:13:20,811 I'm bringing frosé. 381 00:13:20,844 --> 00:13:22,515 Whoo, you're jacked! 382 00:13:22,548 --> 00:13:25,219 Seriously, you got the body of a convict. 383 00:13:25,253 --> 00:13:26,589 Oh, and you use it for storage. 384 00:13:26,623 --> 00:13:28,392 - I'm going into the metaphysical realm 385 00:13:28,426 --> 00:13:30,029 to kill the Devil and get my daughter, 386 00:13:30,063 --> 00:13:31,966 and I need you to watch my body while I'm gone. 387 00:13:32,000 --> 00:13:33,603 If this works... DARLENE: Oh, wow. 388 00:13:33,637 --> 00:13:35,273 - I'm gonna look like I'm dead, okay? 389 00:13:35,306 --> 00:13:36,943 But technically, I won't be. 390 00:13:36,976 --> 00:13:39,181 If it doesn't work, I will just look and be dead. 391 00:13:39,214 --> 00:13:40,918 - Jesus. Do you know what you're doing? 392 00:13:40,951 --> 00:13:43,222 - [shouting incantation] 393 00:13:43,255 --> 00:13:45,059 - Okay, but when are you coming back? 394 00:13:45,093 --> 00:13:47,097 Okay. All right. I'll just wait here. 395 00:13:50,303 --> 00:13:51,906 [distant screeching] 396 00:13:51,940 --> 00:13:53,409 - Ah--[farts] - [laughs] 397 00:13:57,384 --> 00:13:59,021 - [chuckles] 398 00:13:59,054 --> 00:14:01,291 - [groaning] 399 00:14:01,325 --> 00:14:03,597 [Laura screaming] 400 00:14:03,630 --> 00:14:05,099 [gasps] 401 00:14:05,133 --> 00:14:06,503 Holy shit, that was painful. 402 00:14:06,536 --> 00:14:08,907 - [speaking language] 403 00:14:08,940 --> 00:14:10,443 [epic music] 404 00:14:10,476 --> 00:14:11,445 - [coughs] 405 00:14:11,478 --> 00:14:18,527 ♪ ♪ 406 00:14:19,261 --> 00:14:20,531 [gunshot] - [screeches] 407 00:14:23,469 --> 00:14:26,442 [action music] 408 00:14:26,475 --> 00:14:33,422 ♪ ♪ 409 00:14:36,095 --> 00:14:37,498 [creature snarls] 410 00:14:37,531 --> 00:14:39,067 [roars] 411 00:14:44,111 --> 00:14:46,983 - Hey, everybody. This is my daughter. 412 00:14:47,016 --> 00:14:49,020 Kiss her ass, or I'll slaughter your children. 413 00:14:49,054 --> 00:14:51,626 - Proud of you! - Hey, let's have a drink. 414 00:14:51,659 --> 00:14:52,928 I know, now you're thinking, 415 00:14:52,962 --> 00:14:54,966 is he a dad or just a cool friend? 416 00:14:54,999 --> 00:14:56,536 - I was thinking that you're trying too hard. 417 00:14:56,569 --> 00:14:58,205 Is that track lighting? 418 00:14:58,239 --> 00:15:00,076 - We're still-- it's a work in progress. 419 00:15:00,109 --> 00:15:02,414 Snake with Arms, a round of something spicy. 420 00:15:02,447 --> 00:15:04,151 Speaking of spicy, how's your mom? 421 00:15:04,184 --> 00:15:05,954 Is she still an alcoholic? - Huh? 422 00:15:05,988 --> 00:15:07,958 - She fucked a lamp once. - I'm not interested-- 423 00:15:07,992 --> 00:15:09,394 wait, what? - Look, she doesn't get you. 424 00:15:09,428 --> 00:15:11,365 I do. You're a teen. 425 00:15:11,398 --> 00:15:13,135 You shouldn't be living on the lam. 426 00:15:13,169 --> 00:15:16,442 You should be planting roots, doing normal teen things. 427 00:15:16,475 --> 00:15:18,680 - Really? Cool, because the beast guys 428 00:15:18,713 --> 00:15:19,982 you sent said you'd be down 429 00:15:20,016 --> 00:15:21,118 to give me a ride to the abandoned-- 430 00:15:21,151 --> 00:15:23,255 - The abandoned Taco Chateau? Blam-o! 431 00:15:29,267 --> 00:15:31,238 - Wow, you're actually kind of okay. 432 00:15:31,271 --> 00:15:33,242 - A toast before you head out. 433 00:15:33,275 --> 00:15:35,313 To my frickin' amazing daughter. 434 00:15:35,346 --> 00:15:37,450 - Oh, well, thanks, Dad. 435 00:15:37,484 --> 00:15:38,687 - To your future, 436 00:15:38,720 --> 00:15:41,458 and to consenting to join as sire and seed, 437 00:15:41,493 --> 00:15:43,195 reclaiming the infernal sovereign-- 438 00:15:43,229 --> 00:15:44,699 - Ah, there it is. - What? 439 00:15:44,732 --> 00:15:47,003 - Your lame attempt to trap me in your binding agreement. 440 00:15:47,036 --> 00:15:49,742 - Oh, no, no. It's not lame at all. 441 00:15:49,775 --> 00:15:52,147 It's called Maximus Dawnus. 442 00:15:52,180 --> 00:15:54,217 And when we carry it out together, 443 00:15:54,251 --> 00:15:56,054 it'll let us fold all the realms 444 00:15:56,088 --> 00:15:59,529 into one big, way more powerful, lawless universe. 445 00:15:59,562 --> 00:16:03,469 It'll be like an anarchistic socialist utopia. 446 00:16:03,503 --> 00:16:05,707 That sounds cool, right? - Uh-huh. 447 00:16:05,741 --> 00:16:06,743 [roars] 448 00:16:06,776 --> 00:16:09,047 [dramatic music] 449 00:16:09,080 --> 00:16:10,082 Mom? 450 00:16:10,116 --> 00:16:12,688 ♪ ♪ 451 00:16:12,721 --> 00:16:14,291 [growls] 452 00:16:14,324 --> 00:16:16,361 - Remember me, motherfucker? 453 00:16:16,395 --> 00:16:18,165 - How could I forget? - Mom, how did you-- 454 00:16:18,199 --> 00:16:21,238 - You bulked up-- in a good way, in a good way. 455 00:16:21,271 --> 00:16:23,175 - 13 years preparing for the day 456 00:16:23,209 --> 00:16:26,448 this rotting chode would make his play and bridge our worlds. 457 00:16:26,481 --> 00:16:28,352 - You're welcome for giving you a higher calling 458 00:16:28,385 --> 00:16:30,757 than robotripping in tequila-soaked tampons. 459 00:16:30,791 --> 00:16:32,227 - Coming from a guy who pretended 460 00:16:32,260 --> 00:16:34,699 to be someone else for six goddamn months. 461 00:16:34,732 --> 00:16:37,437 You gaslit the wrong bitch. [grunts] 462 00:16:37,470 --> 00:16:39,575 [gunfire] 463 00:16:39,609 --> 00:16:40,577 Brain shot. 464 00:16:40,611 --> 00:16:41,613 - Get it, girl. 465 00:16:41,646 --> 00:16:44,384 [both grunting] 466 00:16:44,417 --> 00:16:45,453 Head smash. - Oh, my God. 467 00:16:45,486 --> 00:16:46,488 Who are you? 468 00:16:46,523 --> 00:16:49,261 - [growls] - Fuck you. 469 00:16:49,294 --> 00:16:51,331 DEVIL: What do you think you're gonna do, kill me? 470 00:16:51,365 --> 00:16:54,605 I'm not Dracula. I'm the goddamn Devil. 471 00:16:54,639 --> 00:16:57,410 You got about as much chance of laying a finger on me as-- 472 00:16:57,443 --> 00:16:59,414 - [grunts] - Ow! What was that? 473 00:16:59,447 --> 00:17:00,751 - Oil of Abramelin 474 00:17:00,784 --> 00:17:03,088 blessed by an uncircumcised Kabbalist rabbi. 475 00:17:03,122 --> 00:17:04,090 - What? - Mom! 476 00:17:04,124 --> 00:17:05,059 - And if he thought that hurt, 477 00:17:05,092 --> 00:17:06,461 he's gonna love this 478 00:17:06,496 --> 00:17:07,463 goat's horn shoved up his dick! 479 00:17:07,498 --> 00:17:09,735 - Help! Kill her! 480 00:17:09,769 --> 00:17:13,209 - [moans weakly] 481 00:17:13,242 --> 00:17:15,479 - Oh, what a fucking woman. 482 00:17:15,514 --> 00:17:17,083 Weren't you about to shove something up my dick? 483 00:17:17,116 --> 00:17:18,385 - No one tells Mama what to do. 484 00:17:18,419 --> 00:17:19,655 - Ugh. 485 00:17:19,689 --> 00:17:21,492 [both grunt] 486 00:17:21,526 --> 00:17:23,563 - You're a washed-up, desperate con artist 487 00:17:23,597 --> 00:17:25,399 begging for a little girl to sign his stupid pact 488 00:17:25,433 --> 00:17:26,636 to make him feel big again. 489 00:17:26,669 --> 00:17:28,305 - No, no, no, no, no. No dick hole. 490 00:17:28,339 --> 00:17:30,811 You want to talk about desperation? 491 00:17:30,844 --> 00:17:33,850 Don't let the job of mother go to your head. 492 00:17:33,883 --> 00:17:37,825 You left your whole life behind to raise my spawn. 493 00:17:37,858 --> 00:17:40,363 - Dad, stop! - You're nothing special. 494 00:17:40,396 --> 00:17:42,100 You're just a vessel. CHRISSY: Hello? 495 00:17:42,133 --> 00:17:43,435 Does anyone even hear me? 496 00:17:43,469 --> 00:17:45,106 - You think I felt special? 497 00:17:45,139 --> 00:17:47,410 [speaking language] 498 00:17:47,443 --> 00:17:50,383 Your magic jizz ruined my life. You're lucky I didn't kill it. 499 00:17:50,416 --> 00:17:52,120 DEVIL: You're lucky it didn't kill itself, 500 00:17:52,153 --> 00:17:53,389 being shackled to you 501 00:17:53,422 --> 00:17:55,159 for 13 years. CHRISSY: Fuck this. 502 00:17:55,192 --> 00:17:56,395 LAURA: Well, once she gets to know you, 503 00:17:56,428 --> 00:17:57,665 I'm sure she'll jump at the chance 504 00:17:57,698 --> 00:17:58,800 to slit your wrists. 505 00:17:58,833 --> 00:18:00,804 - I don't bleed, bitch. 506 00:18:00,837 --> 00:18:03,543 - Gross-ass parents. They don't care about me. 507 00:18:03,576 --> 00:18:05,847 Well, I don't care about them. 508 00:18:05,881 --> 00:18:08,419 Actually, I don't care about anything. 509 00:18:08,452 --> 00:18:10,423 [upbeat music playing] 510 00:18:10,456 --> 00:18:14,865 A toast to my parents for fucking me up, huh? 511 00:18:14,899 --> 00:18:16,603 [gulps, burps] 512 00:18:16,636 --> 00:18:17,671 PARTY GUEST 1: That slaps. 513 00:18:17,705 --> 00:18:19,140 - [burps] 514 00:18:19,174 --> 00:18:21,613 - New girl is spicing this party up. 515 00:18:21,646 --> 00:18:23,883 We love that you don't care what anyone thinks. 516 00:18:23,917 --> 00:18:25,621 - Slay, honey. [trills] 517 00:18:25,654 --> 00:18:28,292 - Slay I shall. 518 00:18:28,325 --> 00:18:30,296 Benny! Bennigan, hey! 519 00:18:30,329 --> 00:18:32,300 - Chrissy! Wow, you made it. 520 00:18:32,333 --> 00:18:33,435 - Ha! - You left so quickly 521 00:18:33,469 --> 00:18:34,572 after you murdered those two bullies, 522 00:18:34,605 --> 00:18:35,841 I never got a chance to thank you. 523 00:18:35,874 --> 00:18:37,845 So thank you. - Pssh, no thanks necessary. 524 00:18:37,878 --> 00:18:39,447 Totes my pleash. [Ben chuckles] 525 00:18:39,481 --> 00:18:42,855 - I hope the rest of your day was less explosive. 526 00:18:42,888 --> 00:18:44,925 - [laughs] 527 00:18:44,959 --> 00:18:48,165 Yep, it was, unless you count the explosion of flavor 528 00:18:48,198 --> 00:18:50,436 in my homemade muffins. CHRISSY: Oh! 529 00:18:50,469 --> 00:18:51,706 - But in a more literal sense, 530 00:18:51,739 --> 00:18:53,242 no, it was just that one explosion. 531 00:18:53,275 --> 00:18:54,645 You? - Some ups, some downs. 532 00:18:54,679 --> 00:18:57,450 You know, I just found out my dad's not really dead. 533 00:18:57,483 --> 00:18:59,354 My mom doesn't give two shits about me. 534 00:18:59,387 --> 00:19:00,857 The last 13 years of my life, 535 00:19:00,891 --> 00:19:03,195 I've been a pawn in their fucked-up relationship. 536 00:19:03,228 --> 00:19:04,732 I rode on a carriage 537 00:19:04,765 --> 00:19:07,871 made from the flesh of two mutated krakens to get here, 538 00:19:07,905 --> 00:19:09,775 and I wish I was never born. 539 00:19:09,809 --> 00:19:12,648 But otherwise, a great day. 540 00:19:12,681 --> 00:19:15,654 - Well, if I had a wish, I'd cancel your wish 541 00:19:15,687 --> 00:19:17,791 because I think it's pretty great you were born. 542 00:19:17,825 --> 00:19:20,396 - Aw. Thanks, Bennigan. 543 00:19:20,429 --> 00:19:22,467 - You feeling better? - Better than better. 544 00:19:22,501 --> 00:19:24,672 I'm the motherfucking Antichrist! 545 00:19:24,705 --> 00:19:26,843 [cheering] 546 00:19:28,947 --> 00:19:32,220 - Listen carefully, do not leave your trash in this van. 547 00:19:32,253 --> 00:19:33,489 It is a rental. 548 00:19:33,523 --> 00:19:34,892 Now, let's gut this child 549 00:19:34,925 --> 00:19:37,931 and wear her entrails as a scarf. 550 00:19:37,965 --> 00:19:39,769 - I should have chosen your whore sister. 551 00:19:39,802 --> 00:19:41,238 - [peeps] 552 00:19:41,271 --> 00:19:42,841 - Oh, fuck. 553 00:19:42,875 --> 00:19:44,244 Hold up. Time out. 554 00:19:44,277 --> 00:19:45,647 Look. 555 00:19:45,680 --> 00:19:47,518 - How did Chrissy get back to Earth? 556 00:19:47,551 --> 00:19:49,454 - That's not the problem. This is. 557 00:19:49,487 --> 00:19:52,928 These asshats are mercenaries hired to dispose of demons. 558 00:19:52,961 --> 00:19:54,899 They're gonna kill Chrissy if we don't stop them. 559 00:19:54,932 --> 00:19:55,934 - "We"? Fuck you. 560 00:19:55,967 --> 00:19:57,403 - Let's stop measuring dicks 561 00:19:57,437 --> 00:19:58,439 for our daughter's sake. 562 00:19:58,472 --> 00:20:00,409 I need a cadaver, but fresh, 563 00:20:00,443 --> 00:20:01,979 like between a finger twitch and a bowel release. 564 00:20:02,013 --> 00:20:03,516 - Wait a minute, when we dated, 565 00:20:03,550 --> 00:20:04,919 were you inside someone's corpse? 566 00:20:04,952 --> 00:20:06,789 - And you had an unfinished dolphin tattoo. 567 00:20:06,823 --> 00:20:08,793 Don't be a snob. - [gags] 568 00:20:08,827 --> 00:20:10,262 - Gerald's gonna be at that party, 569 00:20:10,296 --> 00:20:11,699 and I don't care if he just had knee surgery 570 00:20:11,733 --> 00:20:13,001 'cause I'm about to hit that! 571 00:20:13,035 --> 00:20:15,741 - [screams] - Oh, my gosh! 572 00:20:15,774 --> 00:20:17,544 Well, welcome back. You should take a shower. 573 00:20:17,578 --> 00:20:18,980 You smell like rot. - [sighs] 574 00:20:19,013 --> 00:20:20,584 Where the hell am I gonna find a cadaver? 575 00:20:20,617 --> 00:20:22,554 - There's only so far I'll go for you, Laura. 576 00:20:22,588 --> 00:20:23,857 I'll see you at the party. 577 00:20:23,890 --> 00:20:25,727 Okay, he better have health insurance too 578 00:20:25,761 --> 00:20:27,397 'cause I'm gonna tear that back up. 579 00:20:27,430 --> 00:20:30,837 [ominous music] 580 00:20:30,871 --> 00:20:33,409 [upbeat music playing] 581 00:20:33,442 --> 00:20:34,612 [music stops] 582 00:20:34,645 --> 00:20:36,281 PARTY GUEST 1: Oh, God, watch out! 583 00:20:36,314 --> 00:20:37,718 PARTY GUEST 2: Is it, like, cloak season or something? 584 00:20:37,751 --> 00:20:38,820 PARTY GUEST 3: Push your way to the front. 585 00:20:38,853 --> 00:20:41,826 CHIEF: At last we meet, vile beast. 586 00:20:41,859 --> 00:20:43,830 I've waited my entire career 587 00:20:43,863 --> 00:20:46,702 to watch the life drain from your hideous eyes 588 00:20:46,736 --> 00:20:48,573 and put an end to your father's plan. 589 00:20:48,606 --> 00:20:50,710 PARTY GUEST 1: Get a real job! - I am well paid! 590 00:20:50,744 --> 00:20:53,449 - I don't think you know who you're dealing with, Chief. 591 00:20:53,482 --> 00:20:55,386 Piss quick. Your pants are on fire. 592 00:20:55,419 --> 00:20:57,490 - Oh, oh, oh! [cheering] 593 00:20:57,524 --> 00:20:59,962 - Smoke if you got 'em. 594 00:20:59,995 --> 00:21:02,366 Here you go, Sparky. 595 00:21:02,400 --> 00:21:03,903 Fire it up, baby! 596 00:21:03,937 --> 00:21:05,507 [ominous music] 597 00:21:05,540 --> 00:21:07,443 What the hell? [grunts] 598 00:21:07,477 --> 00:21:08,847 What is this? 599 00:21:08,880 --> 00:21:11,853 - And now, the real suffering begins. 600 00:21:11,886 --> 00:21:13,990 - Leave her alone! - Bennigan. 601 00:21:14,023 --> 00:21:16,461 - I have a gut feeling I'll be okay. 602 00:21:16,496 --> 00:21:18,365 PARTY GUEST 4: This party just got lame. 603 00:21:18,398 --> 00:21:20,469 - Deceiver, dark one, 604 00:21:20,504 --> 00:21:23,075 thou shall be cast into... 605 00:21:23,108 --> 00:21:25,479 [emotionally] Wow, sorry. 606 00:21:25,514 --> 00:21:27,016 It's like, you stand here 607 00:21:27,049 --> 00:21:29,354 holding the ceremonial knife with this Antichrist-- 608 00:21:29,387 --> 00:21:30,022 PARTY GUEST 5: Who gives a shit? 609 00:21:30,055 --> 00:21:31,626 - I do. 610 00:21:31,659 --> 00:21:34,632 And I am your final judgment. 611 00:21:34,665 --> 00:21:35,600 [gunshot] [crowd gasping] 612 00:21:35,634 --> 00:21:36,602 - [moaning] 613 00:21:36,636 --> 00:21:37,905 Why? 614 00:21:37,938 --> 00:21:40,610 DEVIL: Comedy. [gunshot] 615 00:21:40,644 --> 00:21:42,881 - Get your hands off my daughter. 616 00:21:42,915 --> 00:21:44,785 DEVIL: Our daughter. - Oh, great. 617 00:21:44,819 --> 00:21:46,021 My parents are here. 618 00:21:46,054 --> 00:21:49,495 - Hi, honey. I'm a chicken now. 619 00:21:49,528 --> 00:21:50,764 [clucking] 620 00:21:50,797 --> 00:21:53,770 [sinister music] 621 00:21:53,803 --> 00:21:54,772 ♪ ♪ 622 00:21:54,805 --> 00:21:55,907 [gunshot] 623 00:21:55,941 --> 00:21:57,511 ♪ ♪ 624 00:21:57,544 --> 00:21:59,515 [gunshot] HENCHMAN 1: [groans] 625 00:21:59,548 --> 00:22:00,717 [gunshot] HENCHMAN 2: Ow! 626 00:22:00,750 --> 00:22:02,420 [gunshot] HENCHMAN 3: Aah! 627 00:22:02,453 --> 00:22:04,658 [gunshot] HENCHMAN 4: Oh! 628 00:22:04,692 --> 00:22:05,627 HENCHMAN 5: I'm bleeding, I'm bleeding. 629 00:22:05,660 --> 00:22:07,063 [gunshots] 630 00:22:09,568 --> 00:22:10,837 - Really, that's all you got? 631 00:22:10,871 --> 00:22:12,774 - I made a dozen guys shoot their dicks off. 632 00:22:12,808 --> 00:22:14,712 PARTY GUEST 6: And one vagina! 633 00:22:14,745 --> 00:22:15,714 - [grunts] 634 00:22:15,747 --> 00:22:16,983 [laughs] Whoo! 635 00:22:17,016 --> 00:22:18,520 Now, we're having fun. 636 00:22:18,553 --> 00:22:20,590 - We're like The Incredibles but gross. 637 00:22:20,624 --> 00:22:24,532 - With my last breath, let-- - [grunt] 638 00:22:24,565 --> 00:22:28,071 - I will get my revenge. You shall pay! 639 00:22:28,105 --> 00:22:30,544 Has anyone seen the tip of my dick? 640 00:22:30,577 --> 00:22:32,079 PARTY GUEST: If my parents ever show up to a party, 641 00:22:32,113 --> 00:22:34,117 murder me with a knife. 642 00:22:34,150 --> 00:22:35,820 - What is middle school 643 00:22:35,854 --> 00:22:38,560 but Sisyphus pretending to love the boulder? 644 00:22:38,593 --> 00:22:39,929 See you at the bottom of the hill tomorrow, new girl. 645 00:22:39,962 --> 00:22:42,568 - That was so deep. - My sister had Sisyphus. 646 00:22:42,601 --> 00:22:43,703 - See you tomorrow! 647 00:22:43,736 --> 00:22:45,472 Boy, did we have a meet-weird, right? 648 00:22:45,507 --> 00:22:46,943 Like it was a meet-cute, 649 00:22:46,976 --> 00:22:49,113 but it was weird 'cause of all the carnage! 650 00:22:49,147 --> 00:22:50,550 - Chrissy, are you hurt? 651 00:22:50,584 --> 00:22:51,852 - Don't worry. Daddy's here. 652 00:22:51,886 --> 00:22:53,455 - Oh, I'll show you what I do to Daddy. 653 00:22:53,488 --> 00:22:54,825 - Just fucking stop it! 654 00:22:54,858 --> 00:22:56,629 This was the worst day of my life, 655 00:22:56,662 --> 00:22:59,568 and it was because of you two self-centered assholes. 656 00:22:59,602 --> 00:23:01,973 If you want your sire and seed or whatever 657 00:23:02,006 --> 00:23:03,509 and you actually want a daughter, 658 00:23:03,543 --> 00:23:05,479 know that I'm calling the shots now. 659 00:23:05,513 --> 00:23:07,116 Got it? Got it? 660 00:23:07,149 --> 00:23:08,586 - Yeah, got it. Cool your jets. - Yeah, fine. We got it. 661 00:23:08,620 --> 00:23:10,155 - Mom, I'm going to school tomorrow. 662 00:23:10,189 --> 00:23:11,458 No more running. 663 00:23:11,492 --> 00:23:13,428 And, Dad, I don't trust you, 664 00:23:13,462 --> 00:23:15,500 but I want to get to know you, but slowly, 665 00:23:15,533 --> 00:23:17,103 like every other weekend. 666 00:23:17,136 --> 00:23:19,508 - Every other? That's a little weak. 667 00:23:19,541 --> 00:23:20,577 - God damn it! 668 00:23:20,610 --> 00:23:22,614 - We got time to negotiate. 669 00:23:22,648 --> 00:23:24,852 Now, who wants pancakes? 670 00:23:24,885 --> 00:23:26,121 [gunshot] [clucks] 671 00:23:26,154 --> 00:23:30,162 [air hissing] 672 00:23:30,195 --> 00:23:32,968 - Well, now you've met your father. 673 00:23:41,686 --> 00:23:42,888 DEVIL: No, not yet. 674 00:23:42,921 --> 00:23:44,625 Her mother's stronger than I thought. 675 00:23:44,658 --> 00:23:46,495 But hey, who cares? 676 00:23:46,529 --> 00:23:48,465 My daughter's gonna join me soon, 677 00:23:48,499 --> 00:23:51,505 and then I'll be top shit for eternity. 678 00:23:51,539 --> 00:23:54,010 But I just got to be patient, you know? 679 00:23:54,043 --> 00:23:55,747 And I'm a patient guy. 680 00:23:55,780 --> 00:23:57,618 I wrote the book on patience. 681 00:23:57,651 --> 00:23:59,755 Got all the time in the world. 682 00:23:59,788 --> 00:24:01,993 [dramatic musical sting] 683 00:24:06,702 --> 00:24:09,541 [eerie musical sting] 684 00:24:09,575 --> 00:24:12,648 - Just wanted to let you know that I left some sanitary pads 685 00:24:12,681 --> 00:24:15,052 near where the bathroom sink used to be. 686 00:24:15,085 --> 00:24:16,822 [clears throat] 687 00:24:16,856 --> 00:24:20,597 Oh, and hey, that thing I said about my life being ruined, 688 00:24:20,630 --> 00:24:22,033 I was a mess before I had you. 689 00:24:22,066 --> 00:24:24,170 That's sort of how I had you, 690 00:24:24,203 --> 00:24:27,644 so yeah, you didn't ruin anything. 691 00:24:27,678 --> 00:24:30,950 You made me better, okay? 692 00:24:30,984 --> 00:24:34,090 I love you. Night. 693 00:24:34,123 --> 00:24:35,192 - [scoffs] 694 00:24:35,225 --> 00:24:38,198 [ominous music] 695 00:24:38,231 --> 00:24:43,509 ♪ ♪ 696 00:24:46,816 --> 00:24:49,187 LAURA: My little baby girl is all grown up. 697 00:24:49,220 --> 00:24:51,826 Time for Mama to grow up too. 698 00:24:51,859 --> 00:24:52,928 No more running. 699 00:24:52,961 --> 00:24:54,030 IRWIN: I never thought I'd hear 700 00:24:54,063 --> 00:24:56,569 the Laura Feinberg say those words. 701 00:24:56,602 --> 00:24:58,038 - Oh, it is creepy when you come out 702 00:24:58,071 --> 00:24:59,541 of the shadows like that, Irwin. 703 00:24:59,575 --> 00:25:01,111 - I don't control the lighting in here. 704 00:25:01,144 --> 00:25:02,547 You do. LAURA: You know, 705 00:25:02,581 --> 00:25:04,718 maybe Mama wasn't running from the Devil. 706 00:25:04,752 --> 00:25:08,125 Maybe Mama was running from being a real mama. 707 00:25:08,158 --> 00:25:10,964 - Uh, okay. 708 00:25:10,997 --> 00:25:14,237 So if Mama's not running, what's next on the docket? 709 00:25:14,270 --> 00:25:15,707 LAURA: I don't know. 710 00:25:15,740 --> 00:25:18,211 What do people do in the suburbs anyway, huh? 711 00:25:18,245 --> 00:25:21,217 Rake leaves? Start book clubs? 712 00:25:21,251 --> 00:25:23,121 Walk into the ocean and drown themselves? 713 00:25:23,155 --> 00:25:25,125 I mean... 714 00:25:25,159 --> 00:25:27,564 - Hey. You want to watch Con Air? 715 00:25:27,597 --> 00:25:29,702 - You read Mama's mind. 716 00:25:29,735 --> 00:25:31,806 ["Be Thankful You're You" by Fern Jones] 717 00:25:31,839 --> 00:25:33,676 SINGER: ♪ And know that ♪ 718 00:25:33,710 --> 00:25:38,886 ♪ Your talents are few ♪ 719 00:25:38,920 --> 00:25:42,828 ♪ Just use the one talent ♪ 720 00:25:42,861 --> 00:25:46,301 ♪ On you he bestowed ♪ 721 00:25:46,334 --> 00:25:48,773 ♪ Be thankful ♪ 722 00:25:48,806 --> 00:25:51,746 ♪ Be thankful you're you ♪