[dramatic musical sting]
- hello?
Erwin?
[ominous music]
oh, god.
Uh, I can see you.
Get out of there. - [breathing heavily]
- hey, I'm running late for after-school pickup,
so let's hurry this up. - Bring me to the antichrist.
- Honey, I gotta bring myself to the antichrist, all right?
So what's your thing?
You need her blood for eternal life?
Gonna use her as a vessel
to rule your shitty realm, what?
- Burn her skin and eat her bones for ultimate power!
[chuckles] - okay, sure.
- [screeches]
you shall die by my hands, puny mortal!
Antichrist body will be mine!
[laughing]
[sizzling] [roars]
[groans]
[squelching] - [laura grunting]
fuck!
I forgot about this coupon. Ugh.
[dark dramatic music]
♪ ♪
[gasps] chrissy. God damn it, laura.
- Oh, mother, you are alive. Laura: Hey.
Chrissy: Wow. - Hey, I was about
to come get you.
Finally got groceries. You hungry?
- No, I ate with amanda. She made a salad
with something called an heirloom tomato.
- Who the hell is amanda?
- She's a cool mom who drove me home
because my actual mom was nowhere to be found again.
- Isn't amanda a fucking peach? Chrissy: She is.
She knows the nutrients you're missing
based on the color of your aura.
She's, like, literally a witch.
- No, I'm literally a witch.
- Anyway, I'm in a rush.
- For what? - Back to school night.
- That's for parents, right?
Why didn't you remind me? - Oh, is that my job,
to remind you of things
any moderately-invested parent would know?
You want me to do your taxes too?
Apply for a loan? - Okay. Okay, jesus.
- Anyway, you hate that stuff,
parents ogling over their kids' art projects.
- Yeah, I'd rather jam a knife up my asshole.
Chrissy: You're off the hook then.
Plus, amanda said she'd cover for you.
- She did, huh?
You know what? I'm gonna come.
- 'cause you're threatened by amanda?
- No, because I'm your mother,
and I should be there to support you.
[soft tense music]
- fine.
Just promise you won't make a scene.
Laura: Uh, hello? - And just be chill, okay?
- I'm chill, baby.
Chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chilly-chill, chill.
- You have ground beef in your hair.
♪ ♪
gossy: Hiya, miss. I'm gossy the gopher.
Welcome to back to school-- - [grunts]
- [gossy yells] - if you ever touch me again,
I turn you into a true crime doc series,
understand? - Mom!
Gossy: [laughing nervously] okay, quite a grip.
- I'm gonna age ten years tonight because of you.
I can feel it in my bones. - Honey, look,
that lady's feeding her child like a baby bird.
Chrissy: That's amanda, and it's called nature bonding.
If you watched anything other than top deer hunter,
maybe you'd have heard of it. Laura: Well, I can't wait
to meet this headband with a smile.
- Hey there, chrissy babe.
You must be laura. - Oh, my god, I am. Hi.
And you must be amanda. Amanda: Uh, yes.
- Chrissy babe won't stop talking about you.
It's like she has a defect.
[both laughing]
- she is the best. Laura: Yeah.
- All of her teachers think so too.
- Oh, you're-you're discussing my daughter with her teachers.
How thoughtful of you.
- As a pta president, I make sure to communicate
with the teachers and children.
I--wh-what can I say? I love helping.
- Oh, I'm glad you have all the time in the world to help,
what with me having to work full-time.
[laughs] amanda: Oh, hon, we all work.
But as mothers, our real job is taking care
of our kids, right?
- You should come to a pta meeting sometime.
- We've sent you multiple messages about joining.
- I'll be there with bells on when I'm done
protecting my daughter from the dark forces
that threaten her and all of human existence.
- Girl, it's so great
that you feel like you're doing a good job,
but chrissy here,
and I do feel like I have to speak for her,
she wants some normalcy. Mom 1: Okay?
Mom 2: I say that all the time. - Mom, don't.
- Look at the painting she made.
It's clearly a cry for help.
[person screaming]
amanda: Have you considered getting chrissy therapy?
- Oh, fuck you! [all gasp]
fuck all of you. I'm not listening
to a bunch of participation trophy moms telling me
that my kid needs therapy because she can't paint!
News flash: They all suck at it!
None of this matters. [all gasp]
gossy: [clears throat] ma'am, let's chill
in front of the students-- [groans]
mom 3: Oh, god. Mom 4: No, not gossy.
- You're unstable. - I don't give a shit
what you and these other moms think.
Suck on my clit!
[all gasp] mom 5: Language.
Satan in cadaver: Reverse ribbed condoms
for his pleasure. - [speaks language]
- cologne that smells like a wet dog.
[chuckles] - [speaks language]
- a cadaver so juiced
it'd make joe rogan cream his pants.
- [sighs] [speaks language]
- and I'm ready for another one of baka's bachelor parties
where we murder dumb humans just for kicks.
- [sighs]
- don't give me that look.
Every week it's dad this, dad that.
What about the boys?
Baka's badass.
This is his tenth marriage, you know.
- These guys are my actual friends
who I haven't seen in centuries,
so don't embarrass me with your weird snake shit.
- Bro! - Baka!
[grunts]
oh, yeah. [both laughing]
looking sharp, baby.
- Oh, man, I missed you.
- Yo, mabel, had some work done, huh?
- Peeled off a supermodel's face.
Now it's my mask.
Satan: And bogey, you're still--
- [giggles] unmedicated and ready to mingle.
- Where'd you get that human skin suit,
the micro-penis men's warehouse?
- Yeah. I used your employee discount.
[laughter]
sitcom style banter. Mabel: ♪ micro-penis ♪
- and how about this son of a bitch?
Tenth time's charm, am I right?
- Come on.
You know I'm gonna eat her. [chuckling]
- of course you're gonna eat her.
- I'm gonna eat my wife.
Satan: Munching. - [baka growling]
- whoo, whoo! [laughter]
- you finally did it.
You birthed the antichrist,
you old son of a bitch. Satan: That's right.
Straight shooter right here, baby.
Mabel: Strong little spermies.
- Better not get soft on us now.
- Hell no, you dumb asshole.
Would a softy do this?
- [speaks language] [laughter]
- I hit my own driver.
That's pretty wacky, right?
I'm unhinged.
- Good, because when maximus dawnus begins,
you boys know what that means, right?
- Doing badass shit forever. - My mom's boyfriend will see
that I'm really not a fuck-up! - Yeah! Back on top, baby.
- Like I was with your moms last night.
[laughter] - you dirty dog.
Laura: Oh, my god. Apologize?
She accused me of being a bad parent.
- You ever think she might be right?
- Are you fucking kidding me? - You forget to pick me up.
First time you come to a school event,
you beat up our mascot.
- That asshole needs to learn
how to respect personal boundaries.
- You're incapable of putting my needs
ahead of your insane ego.
- You have no idea how much I do for you.
- Amanda does much more in her day for her kids
than you've ever done for me. - What?
- And you'll never be a normal mom if you keep...
- [laura yells] - flying off the handle
at inappropriate times.
I'm done. I'm out.
- Fine. Fine. Be out.
I'm gonna--I'm gonna stop being angry
and prove to you I can be a more normal mom than amanda
or any of those assholes.
- You're off to a great start.
Normal mom throwing a normal glass of whiskey
at the normal wall after being asked
to leave school grounds. - Yeah. Yeah, that's me.
Mrs. Normal. Normal, normal--
these are anger leeches, darlene.
Instead of blood, they suck out rage.
I'm gonna beat those mothers at their own game
and make chrissy happy I'm her mom.
- I'm not sure if out-momming is the thing
to win over a teenager's heart.
I always found listening to be--
- all right, shut up. Tell me a story.
- Really? Okay. Gosh. Where do I start? Okay.
I was talking to my friend darlene.
Long story. I was at a speed dating thing,
and I was like, "wait, your name is darlene too?"
and she was like, "hell yeah, bitch!"
[laughs] so keep that in mind for later.
- Get to the fucking point! - Oh, yeah.
My chiropractor, seong-mi darlene--
in korean, it's also darlene. - [groans, sighs]
- so there we were, three darlenes in a bar--
[laughs] that's the start of a joke.
Wow. That shit really works.
[leech squelching]
so anyways, I found out my chiropractor was
in the magic mike prequel,
magic michelangelo. [leech squelching]
[laughter and chatter]
jenny: And so I told her, it's called lexapro
not lexa-rookie for a reason.
[chuckles] chrissy: Hey, everyone.
What's, uh--what's going on?
- Oh, hi, sweetie.
I asked amanda and the other moms over
so I could...Apologize. [leech squelching]
my behavior last night was inexcusable.
- Uh-huh.
- Your mom told us you vocalized
your need for her to be better.
It was your strength, chrissy, that's shown her she can.
- My strength? She said that?
- I understand now that you more than anyone
have been affected the most by my behavior.
I trust you to make your own choices,
and I hope you will trust me to support them.
- Uh, okay.
Will you support my decision to buy
those jessica simpson ankle boots?
[dramatic musical sting] [leech squelching]
- [strained] here you are, chrissy.
[groans]
and I'd love to volunteer for the pta,
that is, if the offer's still on the table.
- Of course it is. - Sure.
- Oh, I'm here for this moment, ladies.
I haven't seen this much personal growth
since ruby went to rehab.
- [chuckling] I used to eat couch cushions.
[laughter]
erwin: Hmm.
She's pouring rosé, volunteering her time.
Something weird's going on here.
- Oh, for sure.
But it's working out for me. - [grunts]
[clanging]
- [gasps]
hello?
Harold?
Still polishing our blood diamonds
at this hour?
Ah!
[panting]
[screams]
bogey: Oh, it burns so good. [moans]
- is this an "eat the rich" thing?
Are you aoc?
[eerie music]
- hi. - [screams]
- [cackling]
- [gurgling]
[laughter]
- [wheezing] - check this shit out.
[mimicking harold] oh, dear, wine and cheese.
Tax havens.
Okey dokey, artichokey.
- My turn, fuckers.
Time to get inside of some meat sacks.
- Oh, this is what it's all about.
- I'm tent-poling already. - [moaning]
satan in grandma: Hey, look at me.
I'm bad grandma.
I have loose hips.
I'm ready to fill up this hole.
[gurgling]
[laughter]
now let's shake things up.
[rumbling, rattling]
- [screaming]
[rumbling]
[glass shatters]
[crying]
- the fuck, dude?
- An incidental death doesn't count.
We all know that. - Yeah, that's true, but--
- you guys keep going.
I'm gonna go outside and bury it, uh, a-alive.
[ominous music]
what the hell are you looking at?
You never seen a guy stuff a live girl in a trunk before?
- I'm saving it for later.
Are you gonna yap my ear off all night?
[laughter]
- you say anything, I'll turn you
into a pair of snakeskin boots. Snake with arms: Yeesh.
- That was fucking awesome, bak!
Baka: Yeah! Mabel: On to the next stop.
Frat house! Baka: Yeah!
Bogey: Whoo-hoo! Mabel: Murder. Torture.
- Let's binge-butcher some homo sapiens.
- Butts. Delicious. Baka: Murder. Torture.
- Hey. Yeah, right. [laughs nervously]
baka: Let's do this, baby! Mabel: Tight frat butts!
- ♪ doo, doo, doo-doo-doo, doo, doo, doo ♪
oh, don't mind if I do.
[crunching]
[water running] ♪ oh, I'm in the shower ♪
♪ I'm showering after eating a cookie ♪
♪ and then-- ♪ [pipes rattle, water stops]
huh?
Erwin: Chrissy! - [yelps]
ah, sorry, erwin.
I didn't know you were doing, uh...
Whatever you were doing.
- Apologizes, chrissy feinberg.
I was just having my biannual bath
when the water went out.
- Yeah. I know. Did my mom forget
to pay the utility bill or something?
- [chuckling]
your mother's been off the grid for years.
She runs things her own way.
- Ah. Okay.
So how do I get the water back on, then?
- [laughing]
to replenish the water supply,
descend into the haunted well...
- Whoo! Erwin: Place rod in dirt,
then ingest wet, scaled vertebrate.
- Sorry, buddy. Erwin: Don't worry.
Frat boys do it all the time.
- [gags] terra lacrimae!
[water bubbling]
it worked! Yeah, motherfucker!
[chuckles] oh!
[whimpers] - [roars]
- [screams]
[growls]
[gasping]
- [humming] excuse me.
[gulps, sighs]
- whoa. That was a lot.
At least the water's back.
- [erwin chuckles]
your mother's been distracted as of late,
so you might have to take care of her other chores.
- Oh. Was this in your ass?
- That list is more or less the recurring responsibilities
with which I've seen her preoccupied.
- And why are you tracking my mom like that?
- For when I escape.
[intense music]
♪ ♪
ooh, sprinklers! [chuckling]
- well, if she can do this day in and day out, so can I.
- [laughing] I'm being watered!
- Oh, amanda, you have chosen
the exact perfect grouping of vegetables.
- I know. - Holy dick! Look!
[all gasp]
- laura, this is beyond.
When did you ever find the time?
- We're moms.
When do we find time for anything?
Am I right? [all agreeing]
jenny: Yas, queen. Yas.
Ginger: I don't keep clocks in my house.
- Come on, us moms are passing out condoms
at the make-out point, or as the kids call it,
penelope michael's house.
- Okay. I'll be right behind you.
Just gotta clean up.
Jenny: What is retrograde?
[leeches squelching]
erwin: Trimming the garden is essential.
- [yelps] you dick.
Erwin: Use hedge shears to trim plants.
- [yelling]
erwin: Also use hedge shears to stay alive.
[warbles]
- [chrissy yelling]
erwin: Once you've gripped the raiju,
you must act fast-- they eat flesh.
Grab the current clamps and place them on each nipple,
and voilà.
Electricity.
[current buzzing]
[cheering] [music thumping]
frat bro: Who wants to see my dick?
- All right, boys, highest body count wins starting...
Frat bro 2: We're gonna be alive forever!
- Now! - [screams]
[all screaming]
- I'd like to pledge...
To kill every last one of you.
- Oh, shit, let's make 'em chug their own blood.
- Come on, saty, do that
organ reorganizing trick you used to do.
- Give 'em butthole mouths.
- Oh, right, right, right, right.
One ass mouth coming up.
Mabel: Run, boys, run.
[dramatic music]
- oh, no, you don't.
All right, here we go.
Here we go.
Come on. Come on. Do it.
Do it. Do it. Do it.
Poke it. Just poke through it.
Poke through it. Just poke it, motherfucker.
[groaning]
[glass shatters] I can't do it.
I can't even kill some soon-to-be
linkedin thirst trap.
Mabel: Chug, chug, chug, chug. - Chug! Drink that shit!
Whoo! Mabel: Deep throat.
Deep throat. Deep throat.
- Fucknabbit.
- Yo, is this a prank, bro?
- Didn't I tell you to shut the fuck up?
- Look, the devil doesn't get twisties.
He twisties the necks of worthless flesh bags
with his cool, sociopathic friends.
- Oh, we got snakey fucking freud over here.
- Oh, I should get massively loaded.
That'll help. [laughter]
- whoo! - I set a new record, dog.
Where were you?
- Uh, I wa--I was doing normal shit.
Murder, et cetera, et cetera.
- Murder et cetera?
My man! - Hey,
there's an orphanage up the block.
Bogey: Yeah! - Whoo-hoo!
Baka: Yeah! Bogey: Let's fucking rip
some kids' hearts out. Mabel: Slice 'em up!
Here we go!
- I love a white wine I can see through.
- Cheers to us.
- Yes, to us.
Amanda: Cheers, ladies.
Next week, we should really organize a protest
for organic lunches at the school.
- Ooh! A can drive for can-do attitudes.
- Yes. - Ladies, ladies,
I polled the kids around school,
and they said what they'd want most
is to go to school without fear.
So I made them adrenal gland calming stickers.
Jenny: Laura's a goddamn genius.
Ruby: What did we do before you?
Ginger: I just came.
- [chrissy retching]
[sighs]
kid 1: Yeah! Kid 2: Whoo!
[bells dinging] [laughter]
- enjoy it! Youth doesn't last forever!
- She must be going through a lot of stuff.
[quirky music]
- [screams] - kill antichrist.
- Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
Whoa!
- Huh. Checkmate.
Chrissy: Fucking get--
- ah, monster of the week.
Check.
- [screaming] [monster growling]
[shouting unintelligibly]
[shrieking]
mom! Mom, help!
- Aw, my little chrissy wissy poo's
fighting her own monster.
I wish I could help, but I have to prepare for the potluck.
Tear out his heart, honey.
Kill him and whatnot.
[monster snarls]
- [yelling]
[gasping]
mom, what the fuck is going on, and where are you?
I could have died a million times today.
I should be out playing.
I'm 13, and I had to feed toenails to a goblin
to get the gas back-- [gasps]
[screams] [leeches squelching]
what is happening?
- Oops.
Should have locked the door, sweetie.
It's ocupado. Chrissy: What the hell is--
[laughter]
[indistinct chatter]
- you go, girl.
- [laura screams]
guy 1: What's happening? Are they gonna kill us?
Girl 1: Jesus, mary, and joseph.
- You gonna just stand there and watch?
Your whole bit is that you got arms.
Fucking help me.
[indistinct chatter]
baka: What's the haps, satan? Satan: Huh? Oh.
- Holy fuck. Sweet air. Sweet air.
- Hey, that's the nun you said you were about to disembowel.
- Uh, yeah. Yeah, I wa--I was, uh--
- and that's the teen from before.
Teen: Hi. - You didn't bury her alive.
- Did you save her life?
- Ah, fuck it. I don't care anymore.
Yeah, I didn't kill her. - Ha! I knew it.
The rumors about the realm of realms were true.
Satan's turned into a soft, little baby.
[fake crying] - I'm not soft.
I don't enjoy this shit anymore.
Destroying realms is epic.
These murder games are just dumb.
And so are all of you.
I figured that out all by myself.
- You really called it, baka.
Satan is a huge wussy, flabby pussy.
- If you guys knew I was lame, why did you invite me out?
- Because, dumbass, you're our meal ticket.
You thought we'd been hanging out with you
all these centuries because we like you?
Hell no!
- But if our meal ticket is expired...
- Then it looks like we're gonna
have to find another way to eat.
[roars]
agh!
- [hisses] - aah!
Oh, fuck.
To perish by the very means I live by.
Oh, the irony!
A true ouroboros.
[muffled] no!
[dramatic music]
- [screeches]
[yells]
- how's that for soft, bitches? Baka: Oh, it burns.
- Let's get the fuck out of here.
Baka: What a horrible way to go!
- Me drive? How come?
Baka: I'm being digested...
- [whimpers] - oh, right.
Right, right. Baka: By a fucking snake!
- Oh, that smells delicious.
- Guys, you need to go.
My mom is--something is wrong.
- What exactly do you think is wrong with her?
And do you mind if I record this?
Let's get her canceled. I mean help.
- I don't care about the stupid potluck,
and my mom shouldn't either, and that's why I'm--
laura: Hello, ladies.
[eerie music]
[all gasp]
jenny: Oh, my god. - Jesus christ.
- This is the grossest shit I've ever seen.
- All of you look gorge, per usual.
- What are those things?
Why are they all over you?
- These are my anger leeches.
We are all one. We love anger.
Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, anger.
- Mom, you have to take them off of you.
- But we are here for you, child.
Your mother has given us the gift of her anger.
In turn, we have given her the gift of freedom
from her pain, her body.
Moms: Aww. - Not aww!
This shit stops right now.
- What the-- amanda: Ha!
This is how you've been one-upping me, huh?
You see this, ladies?
She's a cheater.
- You cannot hurt us, child,
unless you wish to hurt your mommy.
Do you really want to hurt her more than you already have?
- Chrissy, your mom loves you.
Everything she does is for you, including cheating.
- Fuck you, amanda. [all gasp]
please, snap out of it and be a bitch again.
You are so much better than all of these shitty moms.
- If by better, you mean she has
a mind-altering substance abuse issue,
then sure, she's better.
You know what? Fuck you! Fuck your mom!
You have no idea how I have to take it up the tailpipe
day in and day out.
I do everything for every one of my goddamn family!
Your mom isn't better than us.
She's got it easy, and I'd fucking kill
to be in her shoes right now.
[leeches squelching]
- well, I heard your husband's thinking about leaving you,
so you might get your wish soon enough,
at least that's what jenny said.
- You shitting me?
After I bought you that rose jade quartz roller?
- I didn't ask for it. - You fucking needed it!
- You make your son eat out of the palm of your hand
because he's the only thing you can control.
- Oh, fuck you, jenny! - Oh, fuck you, amanda!
[both grunting]
[leeches squelching]
- [sighs]
chrissy, why are these cunts in my house?
- Oh, shit. You're coming back.
What else pisses you off?
Let's hear it!
- My life is not my own!
Someone slap me so I can feel something!
[leeches squelching]
♪ ♪
- I'm tired of having to hide my anger
because it puts people off!
- Just because you breastfed your kid until he was four
doesn't make you a better mother than me!
- I haven't slept more than four hours in years!
- I don't even have a kid.
I just love groups!
- I killed the family cat.
- I look at myself in the mirror, and I punch it!
Ruby: A pumpkin is the most basic, lazy,
Halloween costume for a baby.
Ginger: I want to break shit!
- Mom, help.
There's too many.
- Chrissy?
I feel hungry...
For kicking some ass.
- Thank god, cause this shit really sucks.
Get it? Ha! Not the time.
[leeches screeching]
- I'm sorry about all of this, chrissy.
I bet you wish I was still nice.
- Fuck nice. I'd take the psycho
real version of you over the nice one any day.
I need you.
[leeches chittering]
- [chanting]
- die, mothersuckers!
[glass shatters]
[all sigh]
- oh, that was really something.
- Okay, everyone, please get the fuck out of my house.
- At least you said please.
- [sighs] can I ask you something?
- [speaks language]
- we spent all night beating up on you,
giving you noogies, pissing in your hat,
and you still saved me.
How come?
- Shit.
I friend.
- Are you quoting paula?
You tacky son of a bitch.
You're ribbing me, you cheesy fuck.
[both laugh]
- [baka groaning]
- your mind's in the gutter.
Where it should be, if you're a snake.
[both laugh] - [baka groaning]
paula: ♪ I take two steps forward ♪
bruce: ♪ I take two steps back ♪
both: ♪ we come together 'cause opposites attract ♪
♪ and you know it ain't fiction ♪
bruce: ♪ just a natural fact ♪
both: ♪ we come together 'cause opposites attract ♪
paula: ♪ who'd-a thought ♪