Chrissy: Are you sure we should do our project on a whale?
What about all the cooler unsolved mysteries,
like people who jog for fun?
- This isn't just any whale. This is 52.
He spent his life calling out at 52 hertz,
which is too high a frequency for other whales to hear.
- Sounds like his life's a beach.
Hey-oh! Ha. Still workshopping that one.
- Well, maybe the song isn't for other whales.
You know, it's just for himself.
- It's like when I sing stevie nicks while
eating a sub at hamboni's--
it's for me, and everyone else can--
both: Stand back.
- Wait, you sing at the hamboni's?
- Yeah, man, their subs are ridick.
Amalia: Dinner's ready!
Chrissy, benny has told us so much about you.
Did you pass your algebra test retake?
- Mom. - Oh, my god, yeah, wow.
[chuckles] I did. - Oh--sorry.
I tell my parents everything. - Nah, that's ok.
- Congrats.
Miss kim can be cold-blooded when grading,
but I guess all lizard people are like that.
- Ay, no.
[laughter]
don't worry about eating too much.
We have plenty left over.
So if you want seconds, or third, or fourths--
- our mom likes to have us all split our pants.
It's the filipino way.
- It's the amalia way. [laughter]
- oh, you two. - I love this.
It's like I'm in an abc sitcom.
[sinister music and chortling]
- you better not go for a second helping, fat boy.
You think chrissy wants a boy with a paunch like that?
Even if you sucked it in you'd just push out your man boobs.
[sinister laugh]
- no boobs! - Say what?
- I mean, no boos, only yays
because this meal was a-plus, mom.
[chuckles] and it was so great, I'm done.
May I please be excused to feed otis?
- I gotta be honest, between the fresh food
and the reusable plates,
I feel like I'm in a five-star restaurant.
- Is everything ok at home?
- No.
I'm just kidding. Ha ha! Sort of.
May I be excused to help bennigan feed otis?
- Of course.
Get some gloves though. He snaps.
Otis, not bennigan.
Bennigan: [coughing]
no more.
I've done enough. I'm done.
[toilet flushes]
oh, chrissy, hi. Hello.
- Hey, I was coming to help you with otis.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, let's feed that reptilian fiend. Ha.
- Uh...You ok?
- As ok as the classic and underperformed
rodgers and hammerstein musical.
[both chuckle awkwardly]
amalia: You sure you don't want anything else?
Some soda cans? A popcorn machine?
Iggy, give the girl our fruit bowl.
- No, no, I'm fine. Thank you for having me over.
Now I won't have to scrounge for food at the 7-eleven
for a whole other week.
Ha, ha, ha, just joshing, kind of.
Thanks again.
[eerie music]
hmm.
[whoosh]
- [hums]
chrissy as lizard: Whoa, that can't be.
Bennigan: A self-portrait-- no better way
to face the truth about yourself
and try to change who you are.
Chrissy as lizard: Damn.
- Could use a couple more inches of fat gut.
Chrissy as lizard: I gotta help him.
Holy shit, do lizards have two penises?
[dramatic music]
♪ ♪
[crickets chirping]
[knife scraping] - hey, mom, I have a question.
Let's say I have a friend who may or may not have a problem.
- A friend, huh?
You don't have to speak in code, honey.
Masturbation is perfectly natural.
And girls can do it too. - What? Eew! No!
- It's a necessary destressor, and you can do it anywhere--
- jesus. Never mind. Forget it. - --In bed, in the school
bathroom, before a test.
- Hey, snake with arms, my dad around?
I got this friend I want to help and thought maybe
there was a power that--
- wait, that's not-- what is everyone's obsession with--
- come on, don't you want to chew your yeti bone
or fetch your gorgon balls?
Snake with arms, I told you to leave me alone.
- Flicking the bean already?
God damn it, I can't deal with this shit right now.
She-she can't see me like this.
Tell her to go to my study.
She'll find what she needs there.
It ain't me, but it's the next best thing.
- My dad journals?
[door slams]
[suspenseful music]
♪ ♪
- hello, satan.
Which of your glorious musings would you like
to revisit today, hot stuff?
- How do I, um, change--
- I heard change.
I have 2,503,859 volumes on changing--
changing the game,
a new way to fart without sound.
I think I changed the past and fucked everything up--
wait, no.
I just don't remember that chair there.
- Let me finish.
How do I change the way someone thinks about themselves?
- How to change the way someone
thinks about themselves.
Closest match--
changing minds, a satanic discovery
on manipulation and how to make soft-brained losers
give you shit.
- Well, I guess that's the closest I'll get.
[rumbling]
[clink, ching]
chrissy and satan: "735 bc, mercury phase."
satan: Rolling hard at king midas's
when I come across this golden toilet,
most beautiful thing I've ever seen.
Fucker wouldn't give it to me.
So I used a new trick to convince him
that everything he touches is gold.
Ha, what a ding dong.
He's so busy thinking he's turning things into gold,
he gave me this solid gold shitter.
I think I'll call this new trick mind mess-em-ups.
- Bingo.
[whimpers]
- [sighs]
I guess I knew this day was coming.
- Never show weakness.
The only pain that matters is the pain you inflict,
varsity blues.
Hey, snakey, uh, I, uh...
Shut up and fuck off.
[whimpers]
- all right, I'll call her.
- Ok, chrissy, you got this. Let's do it.
Let's save our best friend. [doorbell rings]
bennigan: I'll get it.
Satan: First, you want to square your hips
to establish dominance.
- Chrissy, to what do I owe the pleasure?
- I got you the latest issue of your favorite comic,
the roo-stars, to remind you that you're not alone.
- Chrissy, that's so clucking nice of you.
- I do have one more thing for you.
Satan: Rapid burp their name three times.
- [burping] bennigan, bennigan, bennigan.
Satan: Then stare into their eyes and yell with authority.
Chrissy and satan: Mind mess 'em ups!
Satan: Next, recite mantra that summarizes
what you want them to experience.
For example, you will see blades of grass
as little dicks. [chuckles]
- you will see the beauty in everything.
- [humming]
- oh, family sculpture time.
[singsong] now let's see what benny sees.
Yes. Ha ha.
- In the mind of every artist, there is a masterpiece.
- [humming]
ugh.
I knew nothing good ever comes from flossing.
- I'll give you something to floss with.
- I'm hanging up. - Just wait, you shrill cow.
It's important.
Bark woofalo is dying.
- Wait, what? He must have died years ago.
What are you talking about? - He didn't.
His soul's been living in the body of a hellhound
for the past 13 years.
- Fucking god-- you body swapped our dog?
- I was in need of companionship
because some psycho bitch kidnapped my newborn daughter.
- King of revisionist history over here.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Anyway, hellhounds are eternal.
But earthly dog souls aren't.
They're too pure to live in a corporeal body for too long,
and it's time for woofalo to move on.
But the dog won't fucking die, ok?
And I think--
I think he's holding out because he wants to see you.
- Oh, yeah, sure, sure, sure.
Yeah, our dog, in a hellhound, wants to see me.
- See? Here he is, ok?
- Oh, that could be any hellhound.
- Look, I don't give a shit.
I prefer you don't come anyway.
- Wait, hold on.
Wait, you and satan had a dog together?
That's a massive reveal.
- Bark woofalo was a puppy we found together.
We were high on reindeer urine. We had just watched zodiac,
and mark ruffalo was so damn good in it--
doesn't matter-- this is a trap
to lure me into and kill me.
- What if it's not?
This could be your chance to say goodbye
to the puppy you left behind.
- What do you know, erwin?
I've seen you eat a slice of tomato
that fell onto the floor of a dollar store bathroom.
- I guess some people have never
heard of the five second rule.
But all right, you can kiss my ass.
[cheerful music]
- good day, santa, other santa.
Ooh, thank you, santa.
[squeaking] tiny santas.
[bennigan gags, vomits]
chrissy as rat: Oh, no.
- [coughing, vomiting]
[evil laughter]
evil bennigan: Do you think that purging after eating
two full trays of crap-a-teria food
is going to work, fat boy?
Bennigan: Why don't you shut the hell up?
- What is going on?
- I'll shut up when you grow up, piggy.
You know you'll never look like your brother.
- Stop! Why can't I cancel you?
- Well, you could put down the fork every once in a while,
tubs, but we both know you won't.
So I'd say you'd need a miracle.
And I don't see kurt russell acting as a coach
to a group of hotheaded college all-star hockey players,
[voice deepens] so you're stuck with me forever.
[evil laughter]
I gotta be honest. I didn't like that movie.
- Miracle? Oh, I actually really liked it.
I'm a sucker for patricia clarkson.
Evil bennigan: Well, she's her generation's joan fontaine.
- [roaring]
all right, bitch, it ends today.
Huh. Guess this wasn't a ruse.
[knife clatters] who did I just kill?
- The veterinarian.
- Hey, boy.
- [whimpers]
- the last toy I gave him, mixologist mike.
- Ok, reunion's over. Let's go.
- Go? Go where?
- The isle of wepwawet where all dog souls come into being.
And if they're on the beaches of wepwawet when they die,
their soul particles get recycled
into new dog souls on earth.
- Oh, you're into recycling now,
the guy who jacks off to oil spills?
- Are you coming or not?
- There's always a twist with you.
- [whimpering]
- what the hell did I do wrong?
Bennigan, hey, hi.
I was just studying hard or hardly studying.
- Chrissy, the other day I lied.
- Oh, about what? You don't like the way
I roll my rs when I say "burrito"?
- When I said I was ok as the famed
pulitzer and tony award-winning musical, I wasn't.
My life right now feels like a slapstick tragedy,
a much lesser known broadway musical.
- I haven't heard of any of these, so I--
- I don't like the way I look.
And sometimes I make myself retch.
And then I feel worse about myself,
and it's an unending spiral.
You're the first person I told.
- I'm so sorry, benny.
You haven't told your family?
They're so sweet. - No, they are.
It's just-- it's hard for them to accept
that things aren't the ideal.
You know what's weird?
Everything in the world has felt oddly beautiful lately.
I assumed the chemical plant
dumped waste into the reservoir again,
but whatever toxins we're drinking,
it's only made me feel worse about myself.
- I wish I could do something to change that.
- Not unless you can change the fact
that my brother can cut diamonds with his glutes
and I never will. - Benny, that's not true.
When I look at you, I see a really awesome--
- nah, nah, don't worry about it.
- [whimpering]
- so you come here often?
- Announcement, everybody--
this impotent old man is accosting me.
- All right, all right, don't come to me the next time
you need a jar opened.
Announcer: Next stop, isle of wepwawet.
Isle of wepwawet next stop.
[distant barking]
- look, when pugs fly.
[peaceful music]
♪ ♪
reminds me of when we took bark apple picking.
That was the first time we beat the shit out
of somebody together.
- The guy tried to steal that autumn crisp
right out of my basket.
- So you busted his lip.
- And then you broke his ribs.
- Didn't you also key his car? - Oh, yeah.
Satan: [chuckles] fuck him.
- [small laugh]
you realize how unfair this is, don't you,
making me relive the trauma of losing my dog all over again?
- Lose? You didn't lose him.
You abandoned him.
- Oh, the absentee father is going to lecture me
about abandonment-- that's rich.
- My daughter was stolen from me.
- You know, what is the real reason
you needed me to come with you?
Oh, shit, you didn't have the guts to watch
bark woofalo die alone.
- Oh, this coming from a woman who
spent her entire life literally running from her emotions.
- Says the guy who had his tear ducts removed
because he was terrified of crying.
- You got a real holier-than-thou attitude
for a shitty mom who's only screwed up her kid.
- Oh, fuck you.
- Fuck you right back.
[both grunting]
[screams]
- why didn't that work?
Satan: Caveat on this reality warping--
if their shit is already warped,
you could make it worse.
- Now you tell me.
Ok, there has to be a way around this.
Let's find him a miracle.
Chrissy and satan: "some banging broad name charybdis--"
satan: --Was looking to get stronger,
to help her daddy poseidon in a war against her uncle zeus.
Who am I not to intervene in some domestic disputes,
especially with two dipshits I've been wanting
to take out for centuries?
I worked my magic to discover a way to change
the form of things around me.
Now I can level her shit up so she'll destroy zeus for me.
I call it matter move aroundsy.
Ain't nothing bad happening from this.
- Oh, hell, yeah.
You may be an unreliable support system in my life,
but damn, these powers are useful.
Bennigan: I'll get it.
Oh, hey, chrissy.
- [burping] bennigan, bennigan, bennigan.
[shouting] matter move aroundsy!
[grunting] oh, arms, oh, yeah, that's a delt.
Six-pack!
♪ ♪
yeah, buns of steel.
[sighs] oh, ho, ho, ho!
All right, let's try this again.
Bennigan: I'll get it.
Oh, hey, chrissy! Wow, I just got hit
with some hardcore deja vu.
- Hey, you been working out recently?
- Whoa, I've never noticed that muscle before.
- How about around of mini golf?
- Putter late than never. - Ha!
- [laughs]
- [grunting]
- [barking]
[arf!] [splash]
- barky woof. - [howling]
- oh, shit, he's headed toward bad pussy falls.
This is all your fault.
- I'm not doing this with you right now, ok?
We have to save bark.
[bark whimpering]
wait, you're the stronger climber.
I'm the stronger swimmer.
I'll get bark woofalo.
You throw me a tree vine.
- That's weirdly rational.
Don't tell me you're post-menopausal already.
[suspenseful music]
- [whimpers]
♪ ♪
- hold on, woofie!
[distant meow]
[both coughing]
[bark sighs]
[distant barking]
- wanna wrestle again? - Shut up.
[doorbell ding]
announcer: Welcome to spike's family fun zone.
For your safety, you may be randomly
selected for a cavity search.
- Whoa, the security's insane in this place.
- Spike, the owner, is ex-military.
When a bunch of raccoons on mescaline
destroyed this place five years ago,
he swore on his fallen soldiers he would
never let it happen again.
- I have five follow-up questions.
Singers: ♪ sports, hey, hey ♪
♪ let's play some sports ♪
- yeah! - ♪ hey, hey, hey ♪
- yah! [ding]
singers: ♪ sports, hey, hey ♪
♪ let's play some sports ♪
- I gotcha, I gotcha! Yah!
Yeah!
Singers: ♪ let your hair down and play some ♪
♪ today ♪
- [wolf whistle]
[giggling]
- [sighs]
[eerie music]
evil bennigan: Why don't you just give up, plumpy dumper?
You should do the world a favor and choke
to death on chicken nuggies like the scrubby fuck you are.
- Stop, just stop.
You're being a dick.
- I'm not just a dick.
I am a sick, unlovable blob just like you.
- [moaning]
♪ ♪
[moaning, groaning]
[screaming]
is this really happening?
Evil bennigan: Uh, yeah, yeah.
Our body is eating everything in sight.
- Kobe.
[crashing] [commotion, screaming]
- [roaring]
- oh, crap.
Satan: Much to my chagrin, her body
couldn't sustain demonic aura, and she
kind of became a huge vacuum butthole with teeth.
[chuckles] pretty fucking wacky.
- Dang it, I really got to read to the end of these.
- [screams]
hey, buddy, I know it seems like people
are running away from you like you're a monster,
but they're not. You're great.
You're a-- - monster!
- [groans]
[crowd screaming]
- my life's work!
- Ok, I can fix this.
Focus, chrissy, focus.
No, stop.
I'm so sorry, bennigan. This is my fault.
- You do this to me?
- I just wanted to help fix the way you saw yourself.
- Fix me? Fix me?
Because you think I'm disgusting too?
- No, no. That's not it.
- [groans] - [chuckling]
- another head? The monster's got a double head now.
- You can all see it too?
- I don't blame them for screaming.
You were already terrifying and hideous.
And now look at you.
[sinister laugh]
- unleash hell.
- [roaring]
spike: Pyramids of giza,
christ the redeemer.
Fire! Hit him with a fastball.
- Bennigan, stop, or they'll kill you.
How is this legal?
- Thanks for saving our dog and acknowledging that I'm
actually good at something.
- You're...Welcome.
And I think we need to chill on trying to kill
each other every time we meet.
It puts the things we love in danger.
- [whimpers]
- I think it's time.
[gentle music]
♪ ♪
goodbye, buddy.
I'm going to see you on the face of every puppy.
I know a piece of your soul will be in all of them.
- I think some puppy pom got in my eye or something.
[mysterious sounds]
- [howling]
[all howling]
[somber music]
♪ ♪
[ghostly echoing cries]
♪ ♪
laura: Nope.
- Stop hurting him. Please listen to me.
This is all my fault. He's only this way because of me.
- I rebuilt once. I won't do it again.
Let's end this. - Ok, I can do something.
What can I do? What can I do?
Satan: The only way to stop the corruption
is for another subject to absorb the matter themselves.
That's a no for me, dog.
- [burping] chrissy, chrissy, chrissy.
Absorb-sy warbsy!
- You haven't seen the last of me.
- Ok, call off the scud missiles.
- Don't look at me.
- Bennigan, wait.
Mom: I told you, honey, mini golf's for freaks.
It was pathetic.
You should have seen it, snakey.
[thud]
- [moaning] please help me.
- Is that bill the behemoth?
If so, I definitely don't know where your
nymphs gone wild dvds went.
- Matter move aroundsy.
- Oh, ha ha, shit, chrissy?
You got deep into my journals.
Fun stuff, huh?
- Can you please--
- yeah, chill. I got you.
Thank you very much.
Oh yeah, bill exploded.
I keep forgetting.
Snakey, fire up them dvds.
- Hey. - Hey.
- I know you probably don't want to talk to me right now,
but, um--
oh, ha.
Um, I was hoping you'd stop me there.
- It seems like you want to tell me something,
so I'm listening.
- I-- I shouldn't have inserted myself
into your life like that.
I violated your body and your trust
by trying to change things, and I'm so sorry.
But, hey, on the bright side, it all worked out, kinda.
So are we cool?
- Chrissy, you're my best friend.
But after I told you my secret at school, you didn't stop.
Now everyone knows my private--
never mind.
- I know, and I feel so awful.
But maybe my dad could help me fix it.
- I finished our project, by the way.
Have a good night, chrissy.
52 calls out year after year to no response.
There's no reason he would do that
unless no other whales could understand him.
He really must be
the loneliest animal on the planet.
[whooshing]
[rumbling]
[quiet music]
♪ ♪
- excuse me, I'm looking for
a 1/8th diameter spear tip drill bit,
and I can't seem to find it.
Cheaper brand's fine too.
My budget's a little low these days.
I had money stored up for emergencies
and was given a severance pay from the pope,
so most of my funds are going towards this sort of stuff.
I'm ok, though.
I'm not telling you that to make you feel better.
It's just an instinctive reaction when I see someone
confused or pitying me.
I'm now heavily medicated to maintain the pain
of the loss of my dick.
And even though it's affecting the filters in my brain,
like oversharing, I can still pick up on social cues.
But yeah, I'm making a laser to kill a little girl.
- The drill bits are behind you.
- Ah! What do you know?
This is perfect.