1 00:00:01,369 --> 00:00:03,786 - I was friends with one of the snakes on medusa's head. 2 00:00:03,871 --> 00:00:05,987 I ghost wrote a novel for herman melville. 3 00:00:06,090 --> 00:00:08,624 I own a valentino the bear beanie baby. 4 00:00:08,709 --> 00:00:10,509 - The lie is ghost wrote a novel for melville. 5 00:00:10,628 --> 00:00:12,828 - Wrong. Never owned a valentino, 6 00:00:12,930 --> 00:00:14,346 but I wish I jumped on that craze 7 00:00:14,465 --> 00:00:15,597 early on like my cousin. 8 00:00:15,683 --> 00:00:17,266 Now, he owns a farm in gloucestershire. 9 00:00:17,351 --> 00:00:18,267 - Hey. - Hey. 10 00:00:18,369 --> 00:00:19,601 - How was school? 11 00:00:19,704 --> 00:00:21,470 - I got a b-plus on my "call of the wild" essay. 12 00:00:21,572 --> 00:00:24,440 Ms. Rainy says I have "wild dog" in me, like spitz, 13 00:00:24,525 --> 00:00:26,108 but I know I'm more of a buck babe. 14 00:00:26,193 --> 00:00:27,559 - Oh, ms. Rainy's back. 15 00:00:27,645 --> 00:00:28,727 Well, proves my point. 16 00:00:28,846 --> 00:00:30,312 This country is cool with lady pedos. 17 00:00:30,414 --> 00:00:32,731 - How was work? - Bill jr. Is getting a divorce. 18 00:00:32,817 --> 00:00:34,483 - The guy with a giant head? - Mm-hmm. 19 00:00:34,568 --> 00:00:36,318 - It's like his ears are in different time zones. 20 00:00:36,404 --> 00:00:37,820 - Ugh, it's enormous. 21 00:00:37,905 --> 00:00:39,288 It's like the defense budget, but a head. 22 00:00:39,373 --> 00:00:40,689 - [chuckles] - tacos for dinner? 23 00:00:40,791 --> 00:00:41,907 - Tacos are fine. 24 00:00:41,992 --> 00:00:43,992 - Herman wanted the line to be "ishmael's my name, 25 00:00:44,078 --> 00:00:45,160 don't wear it out." 26 00:00:45,246 --> 00:00:47,713 I was like "you're a fucking dumbass." 27 00:00:47,832 --> 00:00:48,831 - chrissy, come on. 28 00:00:48,916 --> 00:00:50,532 What'd I say about dirty dishes? 29 00:00:50,634 --> 00:00:51,700 - Not to leave them in the sink. 30 00:00:51,802 --> 00:00:53,469 - Yeah, well, what's this? - Not mine. 31 00:00:53,554 --> 00:00:55,254 - Erwin? - Oh, no, no, no. 32 00:00:55,339 --> 00:00:56,638 I've been as clean as a house cat. 33 00:00:56,724 --> 00:00:58,807 Besides, no way I'm losing potty privileges again. 34 00:00:58,893 --> 00:01:00,142 - I didn't even use a dish today. 35 00:01:00,227 --> 00:01:01,977 Had a bowl of coco poofties for brekkie. 36 00:01:02,063 --> 00:01:03,312 You had eggs. It could be yours. 37 00:01:03,397 --> 00:01:05,264 - Well, I'm not the one who drops turkey slices 38 00:01:05,349 --> 00:01:07,149 behind her bed and doesn't notice until the cockroaches 39 00:01:07,234 --> 00:01:08,150 move in, so-- 40 00:01:08,235 --> 00:01:10,152 - um, you leave ogre intestines 41 00:01:10,237 --> 00:01:11,386 hanging in the garage. 42 00:01:11,489 --> 00:01:12,387 The rats love that stuff. 43 00:01:12,490 --> 00:01:13,906 - The smell wards off creatures 44 00:01:14,024 --> 00:01:15,891 who are trying to kill my daughter. 45 00:01:15,993 --> 00:01:17,159 Use a dish, wash it after. 46 00:01:17,244 --> 00:01:18,410 - It's really not my dish. 47 00:01:18,529 --> 00:01:19,995 - I'm gonna have to get this place fumigated 48 00:01:20,081 --> 00:01:21,580 for the third time this month. - We got an eta on the tacos? 49 00:01:21,699 --> 00:01:24,416 - Isn't it kinda weird that an anarchist who rewires 50 00:01:24,535 --> 00:01:26,702 street meters because she doesn't believe in paying 51 00:01:26,787 --> 00:01:29,070 for parking is obsessed with house rules? 52 00:01:29,173 --> 00:01:30,506 - Obsessed? 53 00:01:30,591 --> 00:01:32,174 Sweetie, look around. Do I have a choice? 54 00:01:32,259 --> 00:01:34,843 - It's just like, at dad's, we don't even use dishes. 55 00:01:34,929 --> 00:01:36,678 We eat raw plankton out of skulls. 56 00:01:36,764 --> 00:01:38,881 - Okay. Well, we live in suburgatory. 57 00:01:38,966 --> 00:01:40,215 Your choice, not mine. 58 00:01:40,301 --> 00:01:41,416 And here, we take out the trash. 59 00:01:41,519 --> 00:01:42,935 We do laundry. We clean dishes. 60 00:01:43,053 --> 00:01:45,253 - Maybe you fixate on things like dishes, 61 00:01:45,356 --> 00:01:47,606 because you have no life outside of me and this house, 62 00:01:47,725 --> 00:01:48,774 you know? - All right. 63 00:01:48,893 --> 00:01:50,359 Well, we've all made some great points. 64 00:01:50,444 --> 00:01:52,361 - Um, no life? Okay. 65 00:01:52,446 --> 00:01:53,762 - Yeah. Loosen up. 66 00:01:53,864 --> 00:01:55,096 Find a hobby. - Well, you know what? 67 00:01:55,199 --> 00:01:56,532 I could take up cross-stitch 68 00:01:56,617 --> 00:01:58,867 if you weren't out taking kraken carriage joy rides 69 00:01:58,969 --> 00:02:00,269 and destroying realms. 70 00:02:00,371 --> 00:02:01,537 - What's that supposed to mean? 71 00:02:01,639 --> 00:02:03,572 - Contribute to the normal life you wanted 72 00:02:03,657 --> 00:02:05,374 or accept that you're not cut out for it. 73 00:02:05,459 --> 00:02:09,161 Because you are becoming more like the devil every day. 74 00:02:09,246 --> 00:02:10,712 - I'd rather be like him. 75 00:02:10,798 --> 00:02:13,048 He enjoys life, embraces mess. 76 00:02:13,134 --> 00:02:14,633 He's not bitter all the time. 77 00:02:14,752 --> 00:02:17,753 Maybe if you were more like him, I'd like you more. 78 00:02:20,141 --> 00:02:21,256 - Huh. 79 00:02:21,342 --> 00:02:22,424 - I-I ever tell you guys about the time 80 00:02:22,510 --> 00:02:24,927 I pooped myself at an equinox? - Okay. 81 00:02:25,012 --> 00:02:25,978 Don't clean the dish. - Great. 82 00:02:26,096 --> 00:02:27,128 Thank god. 83 00:02:27,231 --> 00:02:28,129 - It was in zumba during "despacito." 84 00:02:28,232 --> 00:02:29,181 - you know what? 85 00:02:29,266 --> 00:02:30,232 Fuck dishes altogether, right? 86 00:02:30,317 --> 00:02:31,233 - Come on. - Yeah, no, no, no. 87 00:02:31,318 --> 00:02:32,684 Fuck the laundry. 88 00:02:32,770 --> 00:02:35,237 Let's get a little down and dirty, huh? 89 00:02:35,322 --> 00:02:37,472 - I had to take a shower with my clothes on. 90 00:02:37,575 --> 00:02:40,242 - So you're gonna act like a teen in a john hughes movie 91 00:02:40,327 --> 00:02:42,361 because I hurt your big mommy feelings? 92 00:02:42,446 --> 00:02:44,813 - Hey, I'm just taking a page from the devil's handbook, baby. 93 00:02:44,915 --> 00:02:47,916 That's what you wanted, right? 94 00:02:48,002 --> 00:02:49,001 Where are you going? 95 00:02:49,119 --> 00:02:50,953 - To eat coco poofties in my room, 96 00:02:51,038 --> 00:02:52,838 away from the psycho bitch. 97 00:02:52,957 --> 00:02:55,174 - Wouldn't a more fitting meal for a gross, messy demon 98 00:02:55,292 --> 00:02:57,125 be these high-protein roaches? 99 00:02:57,211 --> 00:03:01,046 You and your dad eat them fried or à la mode? 100 00:03:01,131 --> 00:03:02,163 - Fine. Okay. 101 00:03:02,266 --> 00:03:03,632 We're doing this. Erwin: We don't have to. 102 00:03:03,717 --> 00:03:04,933 - You wanna know how we do it at dad's, 103 00:03:05,019 --> 00:03:06,468 good old-fashioned demon style? 104 00:03:06,554 --> 00:03:08,220 - I'd fucking love to. [glass shatters] 105 00:03:08,305 --> 00:03:09,805 - we throw pickles on the floor. Erwin: I just bought those 106 00:03:09,890 --> 00:03:11,306 pickles. - Then we lick it up 107 00:03:11,392 --> 00:03:12,641 with our lizard tongues. 108 00:03:12,726 --> 00:03:14,142 [otherworldly warbling] 109 00:03:14,228 --> 00:03:16,028 - oh, honey, you seem upset. 110 00:03:16,146 --> 00:03:17,345 Isn't this what you wanted? 111 00:03:17,448 --> 00:03:19,481 Or should I go back to sacrificing my happiness 112 00:03:19,567 --> 00:03:21,182 for your selfish needs? - Oh, no. 113 00:03:21,285 --> 00:03:22,350 I love this change. 114 00:03:22,453 --> 00:03:24,486 In fact, I'll make you dinner. 115 00:03:24,572 --> 00:03:25,787 How's about rat? 116 00:03:25,873 --> 00:03:28,023 They're diseased, rabid, and hate-filled, like you. 117 00:03:28,125 --> 00:03:30,459 - Oh, that's funny, because roaches are like you. 118 00:03:30,544 --> 00:03:32,360 You know, they eat human flesh? Erwin: Really? 119 00:03:32,463 --> 00:03:34,079 - Even if you feed them, care for them, 120 00:03:34,164 --> 00:03:35,414 they'll chew right through you. 121 00:03:35,499 --> 00:03:37,583 How 'bout we eat buffet style? 122 00:03:37,668 --> 00:03:38,584 Yeah! 123 00:03:38,669 --> 00:03:40,469 [spellcasting] 124 00:03:40,554 --> 00:03:42,421 - oh, I love a buffet. 125 00:03:42,506 --> 00:03:44,673 Erwin: Buffets are cesspools for--oh, oh, god. 126 00:03:44,758 --> 00:03:46,842 Whoa. 127 00:03:46,927 --> 00:03:49,077 Darlene: Hey, laura, I have an insane hangover. 128 00:03:49,179 --> 00:03:50,345 Do you have any pickles? 129 00:03:50,431 --> 00:03:51,813 Oh. They're on the floor. Okay. 130 00:03:51,899 --> 00:03:53,048 - Oh, hey, darlene, 131 00:03:53,150 --> 00:03:55,150 have you met the chill new fuhrer in town? 132 00:03:55,236 --> 00:03:57,218 - Say hi to the demon that lives in my house. 133 00:03:57,321 --> 00:03:58,854 - Oh, jeez, I haven't felt this uneasy 134 00:03:58,939 --> 00:04:00,221 since my divorce attorney 135 00:04:00,324 --> 00:04:01,440 asked me to read her screenplay. 136 00:04:01,525 --> 00:04:03,275 - Darlene, get out of here. Chrissy: Uh, no. 137 00:04:03,360 --> 00:04:04,860 You can do whatever you want, darlene. 138 00:04:04,945 --> 00:04:06,028 Erwin: Go. Definitely go. 139 00:04:06,113 --> 00:04:07,562 - You're like a roided out toddler. 140 00:04:07,665 --> 00:04:09,948 The only thing you're good at is breaking shit. 141 00:04:10,034 --> 00:04:11,950 - I'm the destroyer? Right, right. 142 00:04:12,036 --> 00:04:13,168 After what you did to your friend? 143 00:04:13,254 --> 00:04:15,203 - Don't you fucking go there. 144 00:04:15,289 --> 00:04:16,455 - Oh, what? 145 00:04:16,540 --> 00:04:17,706 Don't talk about how you turned your best friend 146 00:04:17,791 --> 00:04:19,925 into a fucking blob monster? 147 00:04:20,044 --> 00:04:21,076 - You asshole! 148 00:04:21,178 --> 00:04:23,045 - Oh, god! Ladies! - Okay. 149 00:04:23,130 --> 00:04:24,596 You wanna be a full-blown demon? 150 00:04:24,715 --> 00:04:26,014 I'll treat you like one! 151 00:04:26,100 --> 00:04:27,215 - Bring it on, bitch! 152 00:04:27,301 --> 00:04:28,433 This is war! 153 00:04:28,552 --> 00:04:30,185 - [spellcasting] 154 00:04:30,271 --> 00:04:31,720 - oh, I think I just wet myself. 155 00:04:31,805 --> 00:04:33,221 - Equinox all over again. 156 00:04:33,307 --> 00:04:38,961 [dramatic orchestral music] 157 00:04:39,830 --> 00:04:40,862 so then, I said "lighten up. 158 00:04:40,965 --> 00:04:42,331 What is this, a fricking funeral?" 159 00:04:42,416 --> 00:04:44,800 it was, but still. 160 00:04:44,885 --> 00:04:46,969 - Whoa. Cool. 161 00:04:47,054 --> 00:04:48,870 - And that's why I'm signing this bill to 162 00:04:48,973 --> 00:04:51,056 shut down italian restaurants that have lied to me 163 00:04:51,175 --> 00:04:53,308 about their wait time. 164 00:04:53,394 --> 00:04:54,376 Oh, shit! 165 00:04:54,478 --> 00:04:55,394 I gotta see what they're feeding on. 166 00:04:55,512 --> 00:05:00,816 [dramatic music] 167 00:05:00,918 --> 00:05:02,550 chrissy: Bite her. Bite her. 168 00:05:02,653 --> 00:05:03,819 - Ladies, please. 169 00:05:03,904 --> 00:05:05,687 Please, let's just take a breath, 170 00:05:05,773 --> 00:05:07,022 with a gas mask or something, 171 00:05:07,107 --> 00:05:08,106 'cause it smells like shit in here. 172 00:05:08,192 --> 00:05:09,491 - Stay out of this, darlene. 173 00:05:09,576 --> 00:05:11,193 [spellcasting] 174 00:05:11,278 --> 00:05:14,396 - [shouting] hey! Watch where you're poking me! 175 00:05:14,498 --> 00:05:16,915 Chrissy: My roaches are gonna eat your rats' heart out. 176 00:05:17,034 --> 00:05:21,036 - And my rats are going to rain hellfire on your roaches. 177 00:05:21,121 --> 00:05:24,006 Rats, turn her room into a fucking poop palace. 178 00:05:24,091 --> 00:05:26,541 - No! Roaches, to our room. 179 00:05:26,627 --> 00:05:29,011 If they touch my stuff, I'll torch your weed. 180 00:05:29,096 --> 00:05:30,078 - You don't know where it all is. 181 00:05:30,180 --> 00:05:31,763 - Don't rest easy, old woman. 182 00:05:31,882 --> 00:05:32,881 This shit ain't done. 183 00:05:32,966 --> 00:05:34,216 - It's only just begun. 184 00:05:34,301 --> 00:05:35,634 - Oh, don't you fucking rhyme with me. 185 00:05:35,719 --> 00:05:36,918 - Well, then bend the knee. 186 00:05:37,021 --> 00:05:38,387 Or would you rather flee? - Ahh! 187 00:05:38,472 --> 00:05:39,521 - Climb a tree. Chrissy: Ahh! 188 00:05:39,606 --> 00:05:40,639 - I hope you don't have to pee. 189 00:05:40,724 --> 00:05:42,224 - She'll tire herself out. 190 00:05:42,309 --> 00:05:44,393 Roaches, kill every rat on site. 191 00:05:44,478 --> 00:05:47,062 Protect my stuffies! - ...To mackamagee? 192 00:05:47,147 --> 00:05:49,564 - Hot dogs. Get your hot dogs. 193 00:05:49,650 --> 00:05:50,866 - I should call my husband. 194 00:05:50,951 --> 00:05:51,900 He loves mother-daughter fights. 195 00:05:51,985 --> 00:05:53,035 - Hey, 20 bucks on the kid? 196 00:05:53,120 --> 00:05:54,286 - We've got six grand on the mom. 197 00:05:54,405 --> 00:05:55,770 - She's a cold-blooded psychopath. 198 00:05:55,873 --> 00:05:57,622 - Oh, god. Thanks for coming so quick. 199 00:05:57,741 --> 00:05:59,374 I know you're still torn up about chrissy 200 00:05:59,460 --> 00:06:01,376 turning you into a conjoined stay puft man. 201 00:06:01,462 --> 00:06:02,711 - Yeah. 202 00:06:02,796 --> 00:06:03,945 At first, I was gonna ignore your text. 203 00:06:04,048 --> 00:06:05,613 But then, I woke up in the fetal position 204 00:06:05,716 --> 00:06:07,049 with an intense pang of guilt. 205 00:06:07,134 --> 00:06:09,251 So I came here. What's happening now? 206 00:06:09,336 --> 00:06:11,253 - Laura and chrissy both retreated to separate parts 207 00:06:11,338 --> 00:06:12,337 of the house where they're working on 208 00:06:12,423 --> 00:06:13,672 their next plans of attack. 209 00:06:13,757 --> 00:06:15,424 So we gotta talk them off the ledge 210 00:06:15,509 --> 00:06:16,591 before things go any further. 211 00:06:16,677 --> 00:06:17,759 - We do? 212 00:06:17,845 --> 00:06:19,294 If they walk themselves to the ledge, 213 00:06:19,396 --> 00:06:21,129 don't you think they should find their own way down? 214 00:06:21,231 --> 00:06:22,481 - No way. As their friends, 215 00:06:22,599 --> 00:06:24,132 it's our job to be waiting below 216 00:06:24,234 --> 00:06:26,768 with a giant trampoline so they bounce when they fall, 217 00:06:26,854 --> 00:06:29,471 instead of explode into a bloody mess. 218 00:06:29,573 --> 00:06:30,605 - Okay. 219 00:06:30,691 --> 00:06:32,441 But let's not jump to conclusions. 220 00:06:32,526 --> 00:06:33,942 It might not be as serious as you-- 221 00:06:34,027 --> 00:06:36,078 - [shrieking] 222 00:06:36,163 --> 00:06:39,647 - soldiers, I've gathered you all here today for a purpose. 223 00:06:39,750 --> 00:06:42,784 No longer shall I live under the hand of a tyrant. 224 00:06:42,870 --> 00:06:44,586 She may be a stone-cold bitch 225 00:06:44,671 --> 00:06:46,621 with a seemingly unbreakable shell, 226 00:06:46,707 --> 00:06:49,124 but even that devil dog, spitz, in "call of the wild" 227 00:06:49,209 --> 00:06:50,492 had his weak spot. 228 00:06:50,594 --> 00:06:54,796 He had no imagination, no cunning, like buck, the hero. 229 00:06:54,882 --> 00:06:56,831 We will psychologically break her. 230 00:06:56,934 --> 00:06:59,134 We will bite down on her leg. 231 00:06:59,219 --> 00:07:00,969 She will beg for mercy. 232 00:07:01,054 --> 00:07:03,522 And we will give her none! 233 00:07:03,640 --> 00:07:04,940 We are buck! 234 00:07:05,025 --> 00:07:08,510 And we will defeat her! 235 00:07:08,612 --> 00:07:10,529 ♪ ♪ 236 00:07:42,012 --> 00:07:43,645 laura: My estimation, she takes a bowel movement 237 00:07:43,730 --> 00:07:44,846 every three hours. 238 00:07:44,932 --> 00:07:46,598 Let's lock off the bathroom, people. 239 00:07:48,602 --> 00:07:50,718 Ah, yes. 240 00:07:50,821 --> 00:07:53,071 Prima, hilda, you've done well. 241 00:07:53,190 --> 00:07:54,239 - You're the adult-- 242 00:07:54,358 --> 00:07:55,991 shouldn't you take the high road? 243 00:07:56,076 --> 00:07:57,725 - If I allow her to bulldoze me, 244 00:07:57,828 --> 00:07:59,995 the little power I have over her will vanish. 245 00:08:00,080 --> 00:08:02,730 I'll become nothing more than a limp, wet chode. 246 00:08:02,833 --> 00:08:06,401 She must-- she will bend the knee. 247 00:08:06,503 --> 00:08:09,904 - I hate to admit it, but I am rock hard right now. 248 00:08:10,007 --> 00:08:11,706 Chrissy: Where the fuck is my phone? 249 00:08:11,792 --> 00:08:13,625 - Back down, chrissy feinberg, 250 00:08:13,710 --> 00:08:15,544 or I delete your shitsta account. 251 00:08:15,629 --> 00:08:17,629 Chrissy: I'll never back down, hag! 252 00:08:17,714 --> 00:08:18,630 [phone chimes] laura: Deleted! 253 00:08:18,715 --> 00:08:19,631 Chrissy: [shrieks] 254 00:08:19,716 --> 00:08:20,966 you bitch! 255 00:08:21,051 --> 00:08:22,517 Say goodbye to your weed! [crowd cheering] 256 00:08:22,603 --> 00:08:23,935 man: I'm gonna fuck this weed! 257 00:08:24,054 --> 00:08:25,187 - That's it! 258 00:08:25,272 --> 00:08:27,522 Your phone's gonna see you in hell. 259 00:08:27,608 --> 00:08:28,923 [gunshot] 260 00:08:29,026 --> 00:08:31,426 - her mom is stone cold, and I respect and love it. 261 00:08:31,528 --> 00:08:33,612 - Gut-wrenchingly iconic. - We love a bitch. 262 00:08:33,730 --> 00:08:34,762 - I stand corrected. 263 00:08:34,865 --> 00:08:36,431 Things are sufficiently heated up. 264 00:08:36,533 --> 00:08:37,899 - Time for action. 265 00:08:37,985 --> 00:08:40,068 Ooh, since inside's a germ-riddled kill zone, 266 00:08:40,153 --> 00:08:42,454 we're gonna mediate the situation from out here. 267 00:08:42,573 --> 00:08:44,039 - I did get high school guidance counselor 268 00:08:44,124 --> 00:08:45,574 on an online career quiz. 269 00:08:45,659 --> 00:08:47,909 - We just need to wait for the rest of our party to get here. 270 00:08:47,995 --> 00:08:49,244 - The rest of our-- - boom shakalaka, 271 00:08:49,329 --> 00:08:50,712 you trick-ass hoes. 272 00:08:50,797 --> 00:08:52,130 Daddy's here. - No. 273 00:08:52,249 --> 00:08:54,782 You called him to help? - Desperate times, hun. 274 00:08:54,885 --> 00:08:56,551 - But he always has ulterior motives. 275 00:08:56,637 --> 00:08:57,719 I learned my lesson with him. 276 00:08:57,804 --> 00:08:59,387 - Ha! You sure did. 277 00:08:59,473 --> 00:09:02,057 And once chrissy offs her mom, which, by the looks of it, 278 00:09:02,142 --> 00:09:05,060 she will, nothing's standing in the way 279 00:09:05,145 --> 00:09:07,395 of good old maximus dawnus. 280 00:09:07,481 --> 00:09:09,180 I'm just gonna make sure it's a lock. 281 00:09:09,266 --> 00:09:10,798 Toodle-oo, double dongs. 282 00:09:10,901 --> 00:09:12,800 - Okay, mr. Mephistopheles isn't helping. 283 00:09:12,903 --> 00:09:15,136 But no sweat, because this is gonna be easier than-- 284 00:09:15,239 --> 00:09:18,073 chrissy: Hey, fuckwad! Check out v-bone. 285 00:09:21,862 --> 00:09:23,912 Guess you can't drive away from this problem! 286 00:09:23,997 --> 00:09:25,413 Man: Skidang! Woman: Girls got puns. 287 00:09:25,499 --> 00:09:27,782 - Well, good luck getting anywhere now, freeloader. 288 00:09:27,868 --> 00:09:30,151 I'm gonna burn all your stuffies, starting with maude! 289 00:09:30,254 --> 00:09:33,004 Chrissy: You touch her, I'll torch your tempur-pedic! 290 00:09:33,123 --> 00:09:35,823 [uplifting rock music] 291 00:09:35,926 --> 00:09:40,345 ♪ ♪ 292 00:09:40,464 --> 00:09:41,846 - what the fuck do you want? 293 00:09:41,965 --> 00:09:44,015 - [sighs] okay. Cool. Uh, we got their attention. 294 00:09:44,134 --> 00:09:45,166 So we could just-- [feedback blares] 295 00:09:45,269 --> 00:09:46,301 um, hi. 296 00:09:46,386 --> 00:09:47,302 It's me, bennigan. 297 00:09:47,387 --> 00:09:48,470 Laura: Yes, we know. 298 00:09:48,555 --> 00:09:49,671 - Right. [chuckles] 299 00:09:49,773 --> 00:09:50,972 hi, chrissy. 300 00:09:51,058 --> 00:09:52,006 - Hey, bennigan. 301 00:09:52,109 --> 00:09:53,191 - Um, okay. 302 00:09:53,310 --> 00:09:55,277 First things first, are you injured? 303 00:09:55,362 --> 00:09:57,512 Both: No. - You're doing great, sweetie. 304 00:09:57,614 --> 00:09:59,981 - Um, well, I'm still mad at you, chrissy, 305 00:10:00,067 --> 00:10:01,483 for obvious reasons. 306 00:10:01,568 --> 00:10:03,401 But I don't want you to get hurt. 307 00:10:03,487 --> 00:10:05,019 I--I think that'd suck. 308 00:10:05,122 --> 00:10:06,071 [crowd awws] 309 00:10:06,156 --> 00:10:07,689 man: Short speech, but effective! 310 00:10:07,791 --> 00:10:09,857 - Yeah. Hi, gals. Darlene here. 311 00:10:09,960 --> 00:10:11,459 So you wanna rip each other's heads off. 312 00:10:11,545 --> 00:10:12,911 It's what happens with family. 313 00:10:12,996 --> 00:10:14,913 I mean, one time my eldest son trevor 314 00:10:14,998 --> 00:10:17,165 got so mad after I told him he couldn't watch 315 00:10:17,250 --> 00:10:19,467 "sex, lies, and videotape" that he ran away 316 00:10:19,569 --> 00:10:21,836 and I found him playing craps with duncan sheik-- 317 00:10:21,922 --> 00:10:25,173 - the point is, it's difficult between you two right now, 318 00:10:25,258 --> 00:10:27,008 but you love each other. 319 00:10:27,094 --> 00:10:28,543 Remember that time you helped your mom 320 00:10:28,645 --> 00:10:30,061 get all those leeches off of her? 321 00:10:30,180 --> 00:10:33,682 - After she purposely used them to infiltrate the pta moms? 322 00:10:33,767 --> 00:10:35,883 Yep! She says she puts me first? 323 00:10:35,986 --> 00:10:38,019 Bullshit! She's hitler with boobs. 324 00:10:38,105 --> 00:10:39,020 She's titler! 325 00:10:39,106 --> 00:10:40,188 - And now you're putting down 326 00:10:40,273 --> 00:10:42,073 your jewish heritage? So cool of you. 327 00:10:42,192 --> 00:10:43,408 Chrissy: What heritage? 328 00:10:43,527 --> 00:10:45,744 You said elijah was a waste of good wine. 329 00:10:45,862 --> 00:10:47,195 Laura: I stand by that. 330 00:11:31,158 --> 00:11:33,941 Satan: Time for the escalator to escalate. 331 00:11:34,044 --> 00:11:35,610 Hey, dipshit. It's satan. 332 00:11:35,712 --> 00:11:37,796 Tell me where I can find the worst shit on laura, 333 00:11:37,914 --> 00:11:40,048 something that'll make chrissy go fucking nuts, 334 00:11:40,133 --> 00:11:42,450 or I'll crawl into your brain and rewire it, 335 00:11:42,552 --> 00:11:44,302 so every time you touch your butthole, 336 00:11:44,421 --> 00:11:46,471 it feels like you're covered in lava. 337 00:11:46,590 --> 00:11:48,223 - Ah, fuck. 338 00:11:49,459 --> 00:11:50,341 Ladies, look. I have two daughters, 339 00:11:50,460 --> 00:11:51,492 two wives, a mother, 340 00:11:51,595 --> 00:11:53,094 and multiple close female friends. 341 00:11:53,180 --> 00:11:55,997 So how about you both stop torturing yourselves 342 00:11:56,099 --> 00:11:57,498 and eat something? 343 00:11:57,601 --> 00:11:59,134 - Why don't you remember the time that you peed your pants 344 00:11:59,219 --> 00:12:00,218 in front of the whole town? 345 00:12:00,303 --> 00:12:01,502 Chrissy: Shut up, old man! 346 00:12:01,605 --> 00:12:03,605 - Uh, thank you, mayor. Man: He's a genius. 347 00:12:03,707 --> 00:12:06,174 - Come on, you're being too hard on each other. 348 00:12:06,276 --> 00:12:07,942 Chrissy, I know your mom cares about you 349 00:12:08,044 --> 00:12:09,677 more than anything in the world. 350 00:12:09,780 --> 00:12:11,479 She infiltrated the pta 351 00:12:11,565 --> 00:12:13,732 to show you those moms didn't have doodoo on her. 352 00:12:13,817 --> 00:12:15,483 - And laura, chrissy cares about you 353 00:12:15,569 --> 00:12:17,018 more than you realize. 354 00:12:17,120 --> 00:12:18,653 She's a teenage antichrist. 355 00:12:18,739 --> 00:12:21,856 Every day she chooses to fight her nature and stay with you. 356 00:12:21,958 --> 00:12:24,025 - Look, chrissy, darlene is right about the pta moms. 357 00:12:24,127 --> 00:12:25,994 I did that for you, mostly. 358 00:12:26,079 --> 00:12:28,663 I always put you first. - Okay, you put me first once. 359 00:12:28,749 --> 00:12:29,664 Great. 360 00:12:29,750 --> 00:12:30,832 But don't get a big head about it. 361 00:12:30,917 --> 00:12:33,034 - A big head, like bill head, big fucking-- 362 00:12:33,136 --> 00:12:34,202 big head--big bitch? 363 00:12:34,304 --> 00:12:36,137 - [laughs, snorts] that wasn't a laugh. 364 00:12:36,223 --> 00:12:37,889 That wasn't a fucking laugh. Don't look at me. 365 00:12:38,008 --> 00:12:39,207 - Now, we're getting somewhere. 366 00:12:39,309 --> 00:12:41,709 Time to hit 'em them some 'roke to clinch them. 367 00:12:41,812 --> 00:12:42,894 ["islands in the stream" playing] 368 00:12:43,013 --> 00:12:45,180 oh, classic. ♪ islands in the stream ♪ 369 00:12:45,265 --> 00:12:46,731 - listen up, cucarachas. 370 00:12:46,850 --> 00:12:49,067 Sounds like we're a song away from a mother-daughter 371 00:12:49,186 --> 00:12:50,518 "shallow" duet, 372 00:12:50,604 --> 00:12:52,053 so we don't have much time. 373 00:12:52,155 --> 00:12:54,155 We're entering the lair of the wicked witch 374 00:12:54,241 --> 00:12:55,824 to obtain a heavily-guarded weapon 375 00:12:55,909 --> 00:12:57,725 of mass emotional destruction. 376 00:12:57,828 --> 00:13:01,162 So get your thoraxes in gear so we can end this war 377 00:13:01,248 --> 00:13:03,397 in your disease-riddled favor. 378 00:13:03,500 --> 00:13:05,533 All right, get in there, guys. 379 00:13:05,619 --> 00:13:08,670 [dramatic music] 380 00:13:11,625 --> 00:13:13,007 satan: Second wave! 381 00:13:14,544 --> 00:13:16,244 Satan: Ignore the dead! 382 00:13:16,346 --> 00:13:19,514 ♪ ♪ 383 00:13:19,599 --> 00:13:22,016 satan: Bring it home, boys! 384 00:13:22,102 --> 00:13:29,140 ♪ ♪ 385 00:13:33,280 --> 00:13:34,896 - what's this? 386 00:13:36,900 --> 00:13:39,600 "I think I've found a way to solve all my problems." 387 00:13:39,703 --> 00:13:42,603 [ominous music] 388 00:13:42,706 --> 00:13:46,074 ♪ ♪ 389 00:13:46,159 --> 00:13:47,375 chrissy: Laura? 390 00:13:47,460 --> 00:13:48,376 Laura, where are you? 391 00:13:48,461 --> 00:13:49,443 Laura: I'm here. 392 00:13:49,546 --> 00:13:50,628 I'm right here. 393 00:13:50,747 --> 00:13:52,046 Look, things got out of hand, okay? 394 00:13:52,132 --> 00:13:54,249 But I'm ready to call it quits if you are. 395 00:13:54,334 --> 00:13:56,384 - "got the two pounds of sphinx flesh, check. 396 00:13:56,469 --> 00:13:58,119 Baryonic matter, check." 397 00:13:58,221 --> 00:13:59,337 - wha--where did you get-- 398 00:13:59,422 --> 00:14:01,122 - "with this posterum spell, I can go back 399 00:14:01,224 --> 00:14:03,391 "and forget I ever met that sick bastard, 400 00:14:03,476 --> 00:14:04,625 forget I ever had a kid." 401 00:14:04,728 --> 00:14:05,844 - okay, let me explain. 402 00:14:05,929 --> 00:14:07,178 - "forget I ever had a kid"? 403 00:14:07,264 --> 00:14:09,397 What is this? - That? What is that? 404 00:14:09,482 --> 00:14:10,798 That is just my journal from when 405 00:14:10,901 --> 00:14:12,183 I was in a very dark place, 406 00:14:12,269 --> 00:14:13,852 drinking lots of tequila. None of it's real. 407 00:14:13,937 --> 00:14:16,104 - Tell me about this posterum spell, now. 408 00:14:16,189 --> 00:14:17,972 - It was just some silly spell this old which sold me 409 00:14:18,074 --> 00:14:19,473 when you were four and we were on the ferry 410 00:14:19,576 --> 00:14:20,641 from thunder bay to waukesha. 411 00:14:20,744 --> 00:14:22,410 I'm sure you're too young to even remember. 412 00:14:22,495 --> 00:14:23,745 - And the spell? 413 00:14:23,830 --> 00:14:25,980 - It--you know, it was supposed to reverse time 414 00:14:26,082 --> 00:14:28,867 and take me back to before I ever met your father. 415 00:14:28,952 --> 00:14:31,035 - And before you ever had me. 416 00:14:31,121 --> 00:14:32,820 - Well, technically, yeah, but-- 417 00:14:32,923 --> 00:14:34,539 - erase me from your life 418 00:14:34,624 --> 00:14:36,991 so you could start a new life without me. 419 00:14:37,093 --> 00:14:38,126 That's putting me first? 420 00:14:38,211 --> 00:14:39,427 - At the time, I thought I was doing 421 00:14:39,512 --> 00:14:40,962 what was best for the both of us. 422 00:14:41,047 --> 00:14:42,180 We'd been on the run for years, 423 00:14:42,299 --> 00:14:44,165 living off of beans and food scraps. 424 00:14:44,267 --> 00:14:45,383 You were starving. 425 00:14:45,468 --> 00:14:47,185 - Jesus fuck. - But the spell didn't work. 426 00:14:47,304 --> 00:14:49,003 So yay. And--and I regret-- 427 00:14:49,105 --> 00:14:51,172 - you actually tried? 428 00:14:51,274 --> 00:14:53,441 Why would you even try, 429 00:14:53,526 --> 00:14:55,193 on your own fucking daughter? 430 00:14:55,312 --> 00:14:56,361 - I-- - why? 431 00:14:56,479 --> 00:14:57,612 - I-- - why? 432 00:14:57,697 --> 00:15:00,315 - Because your birth felt like my death. 433 00:15:01,451 --> 00:15:02,817 I mean, no. 434 00:15:02,903 --> 00:15:04,285 I didn't--I didn't mean that. 435 00:15:04,371 --> 00:15:07,322 - You evil fucking cunt! 436 00:15:07,407 --> 00:15:10,325 [exciting music] 437 00:15:10,410 --> 00:15:12,243 ♪ ♪ 438 00:15:15,916 --> 00:15:17,365 satan: Incoming. 439 00:15:17,467 --> 00:15:19,584 This is what I'm talking about, baby. 440 00:15:19,669 --> 00:15:22,253 [growling] 441 00:15:22,339 --> 00:15:23,871 I feel alive! 442 00:15:23,974 --> 00:15:25,506 Ow! 443 00:15:25,592 --> 00:15:28,142 Here comes daddy. 444 00:15:28,228 --> 00:15:29,510 Woman: Oh, my god! Woman: Shit! 445 00:15:29,596 --> 00:15:31,346 - So this is how it ends, 446 00:15:31,431 --> 00:15:33,314 with a bang, not a whimper. 447 00:15:33,400 --> 00:15:34,849 - Huh, ts eliot was wrong. 448 00:15:34,935 --> 00:15:36,734 - Well, at least he was good in "road house." 449 00:15:37,320 --> 00:15:40,238 matic music] 450 00:15:40,323 --> 00:15:43,458 ♪ ♪ 451 00:15:43,576 --> 00:15:46,577 - [shrieking] 452 00:16:23,166 --> 00:16:25,816 - fuck you! 453 00:16:25,919 --> 00:16:28,819 You robbed me of a childhood and fucked me for life. 454 00:16:28,922 --> 00:16:30,371 You did it out of spite. 455 00:16:30,457 --> 00:16:31,655 I hate you! 456 00:16:31,758 --> 00:16:33,041 [shrieks] 457 00:16:36,012 --> 00:16:39,997 [eerie music] 458 00:16:40,100 --> 00:16:45,136 [ethereal laughter] 459 00:16:46,890 --> 00:16:47,889 - wait. 460 00:16:47,974 --> 00:16:49,774 I don't--how does this-- satan: [chuckles] 461 00:16:49,859 --> 00:16:51,943 nothing a little divine intervention couldn't fix. 462 00:16:52,028 --> 00:16:53,611 - I told you. I told you it was a bad idea 463 00:16:53,697 --> 00:16:54,645 to invite him. - Listen, 464 00:16:54,731 --> 00:16:56,147 I was giving him a shot. 465 00:16:56,232 --> 00:16:57,148 Everyone has layers. 466 00:16:57,233 --> 00:16:58,316 - I don't. 467 00:16:58,401 --> 00:17:00,368 Later, losers. 468 00:17:00,487 --> 00:17:02,120 - This family keeps showing us who they are 469 00:17:02,205 --> 00:17:04,522 and somehow we keep expecting something different from them. 470 00:17:04,624 --> 00:17:06,023 - People can change, benny. 471 00:17:06,126 --> 00:17:07,709 - Clearly, this family can't. 472 00:17:07,827 --> 00:17:09,243 And ever since they moved here, 473 00:17:09,329 --> 00:17:11,245 it feels like I've been living in service of their lives. 474 00:17:11,331 --> 00:17:12,830 Even when we have our own thing going on, 475 00:17:12,916 --> 00:17:16,000 they find a way to make it about them. 476 00:17:16,086 --> 00:17:17,752 - You know what? You're right. 477 00:17:17,837 --> 00:17:19,137 Screw this. Hey. 478 00:17:19,222 --> 00:17:21,172 How about we go enact our independence 479 00:17:21,257 --> 00:17:23,307 on the karaoke machine at gumbo sheena's? 480 00:17:23,393 --> 00:17:24,509 - [chuckles] sold. 481 00:17:24,594 --> 00:17:25,593 But dibs on "total eclipse." 482 00:17:25,678 --> 00:17:28,012 bonnie tyler's my girl. 483 00:17:28,098 --> 00:17:29,013 [both chuckle] - that's fine. 484 00:17:29,099 --> 00:17:31,099 I prefer "holding out for a hero." 485 00:17:31,184 --> 00:17:33,184 [ominous music] 486 00:17:33,269 --> 00:17:35,937 [ethereal chuckle] 487 00:17:36,022 --> 00:17:36,938 - chrissy? 488 00:17:37,023 --> 00:17:38,156 Come out and let's talk. 489 00:17:38,241 --> 00:17:39,440 Okay? 490 00:17:39,526 --> 00:17:41,859 The spell was a moment of desperation. 491 00:17:41,945 --> 00:17:43,077 It was stupid. 492 00:17:43,196 --> 00:17:44,912 I honestly thought it was the only way out. 493 00:17:45,031 --> 00:17:46,730 I was so young and rash, 494 00:17:46,833 --> 00:17:48,916 but I worked my ass off to help us survive 495 00:17:49,035 --> 00:17:51,502 and be your protector. 496 00:17:51,588 --> 00:17:54,088 Chrissy: Wow. How selfless of you. 497 00:17:54,207 --> 00:17:56,507 Mind mess 'em ups! 498 00:17:56,593 --> 00:17:57,508 Laura. 499 00:17:57,594 --> 00:17:59,844 - [grunts] 500 00:18:05,969 --> 00:18:08,419 so I haven't been the perfect mom, but I'm trying. 501 00:18:08,521 --> 00:18:09,854 Chrissy: "I'm twying." 502 00:18:09,939 --> 00:18:11,522 - I chose this life with you every day. 503 00:18:11,608 --> 00:18:12,590 I chose to sacrifice-- 504 00:18:12,692 --> 00:18:14,058 chrissy: Sacrifice? 505 00:18:14,144 --> 00:18:15,860 What did you sacrifice exactly, 506 00:18:15,945 --> 00:18:17,895 an internship at a slaughterhouse? 507 00:18:17,981 --> 00:18:19,230 - Slaughterhouse? No. 508 00:18:19,315 --> 00:18:21,065 Oh, but I was an apprentice at a kill shelter. 509 00:18:21,151 --> 00:18:22,867 Chrissy: Your life was going nowhere. 510 00:18:22,952 --> 00:18:24,035 - Chrissy, please. 511 00:18:24,120 --> 00:18:27,121 - If anything, I define you. 512 00:18:29,125 --> 00:18:30,541 And you hate me for it. 513 00:18:30,627 --> 00:18:34,045 - No. No! - Admit it! 514 00:18:34,130 --> 00:18:35,946 - I hate myself, okay? 515 00:18:36,049 --> 00:18:39,250 For being resentful and unhappy with my life when I shouldn't. 516 00:18:39,335 --> 00:18:41,919 I'm a shit person. I failed us. 517 00:18:42,005 --> 00:18:44,472 I failed you. 518 00:18:44,591 --> 00:18:46,757 I've been trying to fake my way through motherhood, 519 00:18:46,843 --> 00:18:48,626 but the truth is I'm not cut out for it. 520 00:18:48,728 --> 00:18:50,261 And I'm afraid I never will be. 521 00:18:50,346 --> 00:18:53,397 [sobbing] 522 00:19:00,824 --> 00:19:04,075 chrissy: [sobbing] 523 00:19:04,160 --> 00:19:05,610 [wood creaking] 524 00:19:23,346 --> 00:19:28,599 - [groaning] 525 00:19:28,685 --> 00:19:31,602 [hopeful music] 526 00:19:31,688 --> 00:19:38,726 ♪ ♪ 527 00:19:57,163 --> 00:19:58,329 - [sighs] 528 00:20:18,234 --> 00:20:19,850 man: All right, everyone, pack it up. 529 00:20:19,936 --> 00:20:22,687 [indistinct chatter] 530 00:20:24,524 --> 00:20:28,693 - um, I think I'm gonna head to dad's for a bit. 531 00:20:28,778 --> 00:20:30,027 - Yeah, cool. 532 00:20:30,113 --> 00:20:31,612 - Cool. 533 00:20:47,513 --> 00:20:49,380 - Oh. No, don't worry about me. 534 00:20:49,465 --> 00:20:52,416 I just dug myself out, for fuck's sake! 535 00:20:52,518 --> 00:20:55,419 [calm instrumental music] 536 00:20:55,521 --> 00:21:02,560 ♪ ♪ 537 00:21:13,373 --> 00:21:15,606 - I was cruel to my wife. I admit it. 538 00:21:15,708 --> 00:21:18,409 I used to think because I could throw things farther, 539 00:21:18,494 --> 00:21:20,211 grow hair in more places, 540 00:21:20,296 --> 00:21:22,330 I deserved to climax and she didn't. 541 00:21:22,415 --> 00:21:25,449 Now, I know my hatred of her and all women 542 00:21:25,551 --> 00:21:27,551 came from a fear of rejection, 543 00:21:27,637 --> 00:21:29,953 as a man and a sexual performer. 544 00:21:30,056 --> 00:21:32,122 Born out of, not to sound cliche, 545 00:21:32,225 --> 00:21:34,892 a toxic relationship with my mother. 546 00:21:34,978 --> 00:21:36,427 And I can say this across the table 547 00:21:36,512 --> 00:21:38,679 to a woman I've just met, because, recently, 548 00:21:38,765 --> 00:21:41,182 I was liberated from my hatred of all women, 549 00:21:41,267 --> 00:21:44,301 my ire distilled into a singular object, 550 00:21:44,404 --> 00:21:47,071 the little girl who got my dick shot off. 551 00:21:47,156 --> 00:21:49,774 Decimating her soul is my life's purpose. 552 00:21:49,859 --> 00:21:51,325 And yes, I don't have a dick, 553 00:21:51,444 --> 00:21:53,477 but if we choose to take things further, 554 00:21:53,579 --> 00:21:57,248 I believe my metal replacement won't disappoint. 555 00:21:57,333 --> 00:21:59,250 How would you feel about dessert? 556 00:21:59,335 --> 00:22:01,151 Eh, it's her loss, really. 557 00:22:01,254 --> 00:22:04,338 Not everybody's ready for a man who's so set on his goals. 558 00:22:04,457 --> 00:22:05,623 Still, glad I went. 559 00:22:05,708 --> 00:22:07,658 You miss 100% of the shots you don't take, 560 00:22:07,760 --> 00:22:09,877 and I'm done not taking shots. 561 00:22:12,048 --> 00:22:15,666 After all, as lil john and lmfao said 562 00:22:15,768 --> 00:22:18,269 "shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots."