1 00:00:01,814 --> 00:00:04,318 - I was friends with one of the snakes on Medusa's head. 2 00:00:04,385 --> 00:00:06,456 I ghost wrote a novel for Herman Melville. 3 00:00:06,524 --> 00:00:09,195 I own a Valentino the Bear Beanie Baby. 4 00:00:09,262 --> 00:00:11,065 - The lie is ghost wrote a novel for Melville. 5 00:00:11,132 --> 00:00:13,336 - Wrong. Never owned a Valentino, 6 00:00:13,403 --> 00:00:14,907 but I wish I jumped on that craze 7 00:00:14,973 --> 00:00:16,175 early on like my cousin. 8 00:00:16,242 --> 00:00:17,812 Now, he owns a farm in Gloucestershire. 9 00:00:17,879 --> 00:00:18,781 - Hey. - Hey. 10 00:00:18,848 --> 00:00:20,217 - How was school? 11 00:00:20,284 --> 00:00:21,921 - I got a B-plus on my "Call of the Wild" essay. 12 00:00:21,987 --> 00:00:24,993 Ms. Rainy says I have "wild dog" in me, like Spitz, 13 00:00:25,060 --> 00:00:26,664 but I know I'm more of a Buck babe. 14 00:00:26,730 --> 00:00:28,033 - Oh, Ms. Rainy's back. 15 00:00:28,099 --> 00:00:29,235 Well, proves my point. 16 00:00:29,302 --> 00:00:30,738 This country is cool with lady pedos. 17 00:00:30,805 --> 00:00:33,243 - How was work? - Bill Jr. is getting a divorce. 18 00:00:33,310 --> 00:00:34,913 - The guy with a giant head? - Mm-hmm. 19 00:00:34,980 --> 00:00:36,850 - It's like his ears are in different time zones. 20 00:00:36,917 --> 00:00:38,353 - Ugh, it's enormous. 21 00:00:38,420 --> 00:00:39,890 It's like the defense budget, but a head. 22 00:00:39,957 --> 00:00:41,125 - [chuckles] - Tacos for dinner? 23 00:00:41,192 --> 00:00:42,428 - Tacos are fine. 24 00:00:42,495 --> 00:00:44,600 - Herman wanted the line to be "Ishmael's my name, 25 00:00:44,666 --> 00:00:45,602 don't wear it out." 26 00:00:45,668 --> 00:00:48,206 I was like "You're a fucking dumbass." 27 00:00:48,273 --> 00:00:49,342 - Chrissy, come on. 28 00:00:49,408 --> 00:00:51,112 What'd I say about dirty dishes? 29 00:00:51,179 --> 00:00:52,181 - Not to leave them in the sink. 30 00:00:52,248 --> 00:00:54,018 - Yeah, well, what's this? - Not mine. 31 00:00:54,085 --> 00:00:55,688 - Erwin? - Oh, no, no, no. 32 00:00:55,755 --> 00:00:57,258 I've been as clean as a house cat. 33 00:00:57,324 --> 00:00:59,295 Besides, no way I'm losing potty privileges again. 34 00:00:59,362 --> 00:01:00,598 - I didn't even use a dish today. 35 00:01:00,665 --> 00:01:02,434 Had a bowl of Coco Poofties for brekkie. 36 00:01:02,502 --> 00:01:03,771 You had eggs. It could be yours. 37 00:01:03,838 --> 00:01:05,742 - Well, I'm not the one who drops turkey slices 38 00:01:05,808 --> 00:01:07,679 behind her bed and doesn't notice until the cockroaches 39 00:01:07,746 --> 00:01:08,547 move in, so-- 40 00:01:08,614 --> 00:01:10,718 - Um, you leave ogre intestines 41 00:01:10,785 --> 00:01:11,921 hanging in the garage. 42 00:01:11,987 --> 00:01:12,956 The rats love that stuff. 43 00:01:13,023 --> 00:01:14,425 - The smell wards off creatures 44 00:01:14,493 --> 00:01:16,329 who are trying to kill my daughter. 45 00:01:16,396 --> 00:01:17,766 Use a dish, wash it after. 46 00:01:17,832 --> 00:01:18,868 - It's really not my dish. 47 00:01:18,935 --> 00:01:20,571 - I'm gonna have to get this place fumigated 48 00:01:20,638 --> 00:01:22,041 for the third time this month. - We got an ETA on the tacos? 49 00:01:22,107 --> 00:01:24,880 - Isn't it kinda weird that an anarchist who rewires 50 00:01:24,947 --> 00:01:27,284 street meters because she doesn't believe in paying 51 00:01:27,351 --> 00:01:29,656 for parking is obsessed with house rules? 52 00:01:29,723 --> 00:01:31,125 - Obsessed? 53 00:01:31,192 --> 00:01:32,662 Sweetie, look around. Do I have a choice? 54 00:01:32,729 --> 00:01:35,334 - It's just like, at Dad's, we don't even use dishes. 55 00:01:35,400 --> 00:01:37,237 We eat raw plankton out of skulls. 56 00:01:37,304 --> 00:01:39,308 - Okay. Well, we live in suburgatory. 57 00:01:39,375 --> 00:01:40,612 Your choice, not mine. 58 00:01:40,678 --> 00:01:41,981 And here, we take out the trash. 59 00:01:42,047 --> 00:01:43,483 We do laundry. We clean dishes. 60 00:01:43,551 --> 00:01:45,722 - Maybe you fixate on things like dishes, 61 00:01:45,788 --> 00:01:48,159 because you have no life outside of me and this house, 62 00:01:48,226 --> 00:01:49,362 you know? - All right. 63 00:01:49,428 --> 00:01:50,898 Well, we've all made some great points. 64 00:01:50,965 --> 00:01:52,902 - Um, no life? Okay. 65 00:01:52,969 --> 00:01:54,305 - Yeah. Loosen up. 66 00:01:54,372 --> 00:01:55,508 Find a hobby. - Well, you know what? 67 00:01:55,575 --> 00:01:56,944 I could take up cross-stitch 68 00:01:57,011 --> 00:01:59,315 if you weren't out taking Kraken carriage joy rides 69 00:01:59,382 --> 00:02:00,885 and destroying realms. 70 00:02:00,952 --> 00:02:02,154 - What's that supposed to mean? 71 00:02:02,221 --> 00:02:04,191 - Contribute to the normal life you wanted 72 00:02:04,258 --> 00:02:05,828 or accept that you're not cut out for it. 73 00:02:05,895 --> 00:02:09,736 Because you are becoming more like the devil every day. 74 00:02:09,803 --> 00:02:11,205 - I'd rather be like him. 75 00:02:11,272 --> 00:02:13,476 He enjoys life, embraces mess. 76 00:02:13,544 --> 00:02:15,280 He's not bitter all the time. 77 00:02:15,347 --> 00:02:18,286 Maybe if you were more like him, I'd like you more. 78 00:02:20,692 --> 00:02:21,694 - Huh. 79 00:02:21,760 --> 00:02:22,829 - I-I ever tell you guys about the time 80 00:02:22,896 --> 00:02:25,400 I pooped myself at an equinox? - Okay. 81 00:02:25,467 --> 00:02:26,603 Don't clean the dish. - Great. 82 00:02:26,670 --> 00:02:27,605 Thank God. 83 00:02:27,672 --> 00:02:28,708 - It was in Zumba during "Despacito." 84 00:02:28,774 --> 00:02:29,643 - You know what? 85 00:02:29,710 --> 00:02:30,678 Fuck dishes altogether, right? 86 00:02:30,745 --> 00:02:31,780 - Come on. - Yeah, no, no, no. 87 00:02:31,847 --> 00:02:33,283 Fuck the laundry. 88 00:02:33,350 --> 00:02:35,722 Let's get a little down and dirty, huh? 89 00:02:35,788 --> 00:02:37,959 - I had to take a shower with my clothes on. 90 00:02:38,026 --> 00:02:40,698 - So you're gonna act like a teen in a John Hughes movie 91 00:02:40,765 --> 00:02:42,869 because I hurt your big mommy feelings? 92 00:02:42,936 --> 00:02:45,307 - Hey, I'm just taking a page from the Devil's handbook, baby. 93 00:02:45,374 --> 00:02:48,346 That's what you wanted, right? 94 00:02:48,413 --> 00:02:49,516 Where are you going? 95 00:02:49,583 --> 00:02:51,419 - To eat Coco Poofties in my room, 96 00:02:51,486 --> 00:02:53,456 away from the psycho bitch. 97 00:02:53,524 --> 00:02:55,628 - Wouldn't a more fitting meal for a gross, messy demon 98 00:02:55,695 --> 00:02:57,665 be these high-protein roaches? 99 00:02:57,732 --> 00:03:01,673 You and your dad eat them fried or à la mode? 100 00:03:01,740 --> 00:03:02,675 - Fine. Okay. 101 00:03:02,742 --> 00:03:04,211 We're doing this. ERWIN: We don't have to. 102 00:03:04,278 --> 00:03:05,414 - You wanna know how we do it at Dad's, 103 00:03:05,480 --> 00:03:07,084 good old-fashioned demon style? 104 00:03:07,151 --> 00:03:08,754 - I'd fucking love to. [glass shatters] 105 00:03:08,821 --> 00:03:10,323 - We throw pickles on the floor. ERWIN: I just bought those 106 00:03:10,390 --> 00:03:11,860 pickles. - Then we lick it up 107 00:03:11,927 --> 00:03:13,129 with our lizard tongues. 108 00:03:13,196 --> 00:03:14,566 [otherworldly warbling] 109 00:03:14,633 --> 00:03:16,503 - Oh, honey, you seem upset. 110 00:03:16,570 --> 00:03:17,806 Isn't this what you wanted? 111 00:03:17,872 --> 00:03:20,077 Or should I go back to sacrificing my happiness 112 00:03:20,143 --> 00:03:21,780 for your selfish needs? - Oh, no. 113 00:03:21,847 --> 00:03:22,949 I love this change. 114 00:03:23,016 --> 00:03:24,986 In fact, I'll make you dinner. 115 00:03:25,053 --> 00:03:26,355 How's about rat? 116 00:03:26,422 --> 00:03:28,561 They're diseased, rabid, and hate-filled, like you. 117 00:03:28,627 --> 00:03:30,898 - Oh, that's funny, because roaches are like you. 118 00:03:30,965 --> 00:03:32,802 You know, they eat human flesh? ERWIN: Really? 119 00:03:32,869 --> 00:03:34,539 - Even if you feed them, care for them, 120 00:03:34,606 --> 00:03:36,008 they'll chew right through you. 121 00:03:36,075 --> 00:03:38,079 How 'bout we eat buffet style? 122 00:03:38,146 --> 00:03:39,115 Yeah! 123 00:03:39,181 --> 00:03:41,018 [spellcasting] 124 00:03:41,085 --> 00:03:42,889 - Oh, I love a buffet. 125 00:03:42,956 --> 00:03:45,093 ERWIN: Buffets are cesspools for--oh, oh, God. 126 00:03:45,160 --> 00:03:47,398 Whoa. 127 00:03:47,464 --> 00:03:49,503 DARLENE: Hey, Laura, I have an insane hangover. 128 00:03:49,569 --> 00:03:50,738 Do you have any pickles? 129 00:03:50,805 --> 00:03:52,274 Oh. They're on the floor. Okay. 130 00:03:52,341 --> 00:03:53,577 - Oh, hey, Darlene, 131 00:03:53,644 --> 00:03:55,648 have you met the chill new fuhrer in town? 132 00:03:55,715 --> 00:03:57,685 - Say hi to the demon that lives in my house. 133 00:03:57,752 --> 00:03:59,321 - Oh, jeez, I haven't felt this uneasy 134 00:03:59,388 --> 00:04:00,625 since my divorce attorney 135 00:04:00,691 --> 00:04:01,894 asked me to read her screenplay. 136 00:04:01,960 --> 00:04:03,731 - Darlene, get out of here. Chrissy: Uh, no. 137 00:04:03,798 --> 00:04:05,367 You can do whatever you want, Darlene. 138 00:04:05,434 --> 00:04:06,537 ERWIN: Go. Definitely go. 139 00:04:06,603 --> 00:04:08,006 - You're like a roided out toddler. 140 00:04:08,072 --> 00:04:10,477 The only thing you're good at is breaking shit. 141 00:04:10,545 --> 00:04:12,481 - I'm the destroyer? Right, right. 142 00:04:12,549 --> 00:04:13,617 After what you did to your friend? 143 00:04:13,684 --> 00:04:15,788 - Don't you fucking go there. 144 00:04:15,855 --> 00:04:16,924 - Oh, what? 145 00:04:16,990 --> 00:04:18,226 Don't talk about how you turned your best friend 146 00:04:18,293 --> 00:04:20,397 into a fucking blob monster? 147 00:04:20,464 --> 00:04:21,533 - You asshole! 148 00:04:21,600 --> 00:04:23,537 - Oh, God! Ladies! - Okay. 149 00:04:23,604 --> 00:04:25,140 You wanna be a full-blown demon? 150 00:04:25,207 --> 00:04:26,442 I'll treat you like one! 151 00:04:26,510 --> 00:04:27,779 - Bring it on, bitch! 152 00:04:27,846 --> 00:04:28,981 This is war! 153 00:04:29,048 --> 00:04:30,651 - [spellcasting] 154 00:04:30,718 --> 00:04:32,221 - Oh, I think I just wet myself. 155 00:04:32,287 --> 00:04:33,657 - Equinox all over again. 156 00:04:33,724 --> 00:04:39,468 [dramatic orchestral music] 157 00:04:42,709 --> 00:04:43,744 - So then, I said "Lighten up. 158 00:04:43,811 --> 00:04:45,280 What is this, a fricking funeral?" 159 00:04:45,347 --> 00:04:47,819 It was, but still. 160 00:04:47,886 --> 00:04:49,856 - Whoa. Cool. 161 00:04:49,923 --> 00:04:51,827 - And that's why I'm signing this bill to 162 00:04:51,894 --> 00:04:54,064 shut down Italian restaurants that have lied to me 163 00:04:54,131 --> 00:04:56,202 about their wait time. 164 00:04:56,269 --> 00:04:57,371 Oh, shit! 165 00:04:57,437 --> 00:04:58,306 I gotta see what they're feeding on. 166 00:04:58,373 --> 00:05:03,651 [dramatic music] 167 00:05:03,717 --> 00:05:05,420 CHRISSY: Bite her. Bite her. 168 00:05:05,487 --> 00:05:06,723 - Ladies, please. 169 00:05:06,790 --> 00:05:08,561 Please, let's just take a breath, 170 00:05:08,627 --> 00:05:09,896 with a gas mask or something, 171 00:05:09,963 --> 00:05:11,132 'cause it smells like shit in here. 172 00:05:11,199 --> 00:05:12,367 - Stay out of this, Darlene. 173 00:05:12,434 --> 00:05:14,071 [spellcasting] 174 00:05:14,138 --> 00:05:17,277 - [shouting] Hey! Watch where you're poking me! 175 00:05:17,344 --> 00:05:19,950 CHRISSY: My roaches are gonna eat your rats' heart out. 176 00:05:20,016 --> 00:05:23,924 - And my rats are going to rain hellfire on your roaches. 177 00:05:23,991 --> 00:05:26,997 Rats, turn her room into a fucking poop palace. 178 00:05:27,064 --> 00:05:29,536 - No! Roaches, to our room. 179 00:05:29,603 --> 00:05:32,040 If they touch my stuff, I'll torch your weed. 180 00:05:32,107 --> 00:05:33,109 - You don't know where it all is. 181 00:05:33,176 --> 00:05:34,646 - Don't rest easy, old woman. 182 00:05:34,713 --> 00:05:35,915 This shit ain't done. 183 00:05:35,982 --> 00:05:37,050 - It's only just begun. 184 00:05:37,117 --> 00:05:38,554 - Oh, don't you fucking rhyme with me. 185 00:05:38,621 --> 00:05:39,789 - Well, then bend the knee. 186 00:05:39,856 --> 00:05:41,392 Or would you rather flee? - Ahh! 187 00:05:41,459 --> 00:05:42,461 - Climb a tree. CHRISSY: Ahh! 188 00:05:42,529 --> 00:05:43,531 - I hope you don't have to pee. 189 00:05:43,597 --> 00:05:45,233 - She'll tire herself out. 190 00:05:45,300 --> 00:05:47,437 Roaches, kill every rat on site. 191 00:05:47,505 --> 00:05:50,076 Protect my stuffies! - ...to Mackamagee? 192 00:05:50,143 --> 00:05:52,515 - Hot dogs. Get your hot dogs. 193 00:05:52,582 --> 00:05:53,784 - I should call my husband. 194 00:05:53,851 --> 00:05:54,786 He loves mother-daughter fights. 195 00:05:54,853 --> 00:05:55,922 - Hey, 20 bucks on the kid? 196 00:05:55,988 --> 00:05:57,357 - We've got six grand on the mom. 197 00:05:57,424 --> 00:05:58,694 - She's a cold-blooded psychopath. 198 00:05:58,761 --> 00:06:00,631 - Oh, God. Thanks for coming so quick. 199 00:06:00,698 --> 00:06:02,401 I know you're still torn up about Chrissy 200 00:06:02,467 --> 00:06:04,238 turning you into a conjoined Stay Puft man. 201 00:06:04,305 --> 00:06:05,641 - Yeah. 202 00:06:05,708 --> 00:06:06,877 At first, I was gonna ignore your text. 203 00:06:06,944 --> 00:06:08,547 But then, I woke up in the fetal position 204 00:06:08,614 --> 00:06:09,950 with an intense pang of guilt. 205 00:06:10,016 --> 00:06:12,120 So I came here. What's happening now? 206 00:06:12,187 --> 00:06:14,258 - Laura and Chrissy both retreated to separate parts 207 00:06:14,325 --> 00:06:15,327 of the house where they're working on 208 00:06:15,393 --> 00:06:16,663 their next plans of attack. 209 00:06:16,730 --> 00:06:18,366 So we gotta talk them off the ledge 210 00:06:18,433 --> 00:06:19,636 before things go any further. 211 00:06:19,703 --> 00:06:20,705 - We do? 212 00:06:20,771 --> 00:06:22,174 If they walk themselves to the ledge, 213 00:06:22,241 --> 00:06:24,144 don't you think they should find their own way down? 214 00:06:24,211 --> 00:06:25,514 - No way. As their friends, 215 00:06:25,581 --> 00:06:27,050 it's our job to be waiting below 216 00:06:27,117 --> 00:06:29,723 with a giant trampoline so they bounce when they fall, 217 00:06:29,789 --> 00:06:32,327 instead of explode into a bloody mess. 218 00:06:32,394 --> 00:06:33,564 - Okay. 219 00:06:33,631 --> 00:06:35,433 But let's not jump to conclusions. 220 00:06:35,501 --> 00:06:36,937 It might not be as serious as you-- 221 00:06:37,004 --> 00:06:39,008 - [shrieking] 222 00:06:39,074 --> 00:06:42,649 - Soldiers, I've gathered you all here today for a purpose. 223 00:06:42,715 --> 00:06:45,655 No longer shall I live under the hand of a tyrant. 224 00:06:45,721 --> 00:06:47,558 She may be a stone-cold bitch 225 00:06:47,625 --> 00:06:49,629 with a seemingly unbreakable shell, 226 00:06:49,696 --> 00:06:52,134 but even that devil dog, Spitz, in "Call of the Wild" 227 00:06:52,200 --> 00:06:53,403 had his weak spot. 228 00:06:53,469 --> 00:06:57,745 He had no imagination, no cunning, like Buck, the hero. 229 00:06:57,812 --> 00:06:59,749 We will psychologically break her. 230 00:06:59,816 --> 00:07:02,154 We will bite down on her leg. 231 00:07:02,220 --> 00:07:03,824 She will beg for mercy. 232 00:07:03,891 --> 00:07:06,429 And we will give her none! 233 00:07:06,496 --> 00:07:07,765 We are Buck! 234 00:07:07,832 --> 00:07:11,405 And we will defeat her! 235 00:07:11,472 --> 00:07:13,510 ♪♪ ♪♪ 236 00:07:44,939 --> 00:07:46,510 LAURA: My estimation, she takes a bowel movement 237 00:07:46,576 --> 00:07:47,779 every three hours. 238 00:07:47,845 --> 00:07:49,582 Let's lock off the bathroom, people. 239 00:07:51,452 --> 00:07:53,624 Ah, yes. 240 00:07:53,691 --> 00:07:56,128 Prima, Hilda, you've done well. 241 00:07:56,195 --> 00:07:57,130 - You're the adult-- 242 00:07:57,197 --> 00:07:58,901 shouldn't you take the high road? 243 00:07:58,967 --> 00:08:00,705 - If I allow her to bulldoze me, 244 00:08:00,771 --> 00:08:02,942 the little power I have over her will vanish. 245 00:08:03,009 --> 00:08:05,681 I'll become nothing more than a limp, wet chode. 246 00:08:05,748 --> 00:08:09,321 She must-- she will bend the knee. 247 00:08:09,388 --> 00:08:12,829 - I hate to admit it, but I am rock hard right now. 248 00:08:12,895 --> 00:08:14,632 CHRISSY: Where the fuck is my phone? 249 00:08:14,699 --> 00:08:16,603 - Back down, Chrissy Feinberg, 250 00:08:16,670 --> 00:08:18,540 or I delete your Shitsta account. 251 00:08:18,607 --> 00:08:20,611 CHRISSY: I'll never back down, hag! 252 00:08:20,678 --> 00:08:21,546 [phone chimes] LAURA: Deleted! 253 00:08:21,613 --> 00:08:22,515 CHRISSY: [shrieks] 254 00:08:22,582 --> 00:08:23,884 You bitch! 255 00:08:23,951 --> 00:08:25,487 Say goodbye to your weed! [crowd cheering] 256 00:08:25,554 --> 00:08:26,990 MAN: I'm gonna fuck this weed! 257 00:08:27,057 --> 00:08:28,026 - That's it! 258 00:08:28,092 --> 00:08:30,430 Your phone's gonna see you in hell. 259 00:08:30,498 --> 00:08:31,900 [gunshot] 260 00:08:31,967 --> 00:08:34,271 - Her mom is stone cold, and I respect and love it. 261 00:08:34,338 --> 00:08:36,576 - Gut-wrenchingly iconic. - We love a bitch. 262 00:08:36,643 --> 00:08:37,712 - I stand corrected. 263 00:08:37,779 --> 00:08:39,381 Things are sufficiently heated up. 264 00:08:39,448 --> 00:08:40,851 - Time for action. 265 00:08:40,918 --> 00:08:43,022 Ooh, since inside's a germ-riddled kill zone, 266 00:08:43,089 --> 00:08:45,528 we're gonna mediate the situation from out here. 267 00:08:45,594 --> 00:08:47,064 - I did get high school guidance counselor 268 00:08:47,130 --> 00:08:48,466 on an online career quiz. 269 00:08:48,534 --> 00:08:50,838 - We just need to wait for the rest of our party to get here. 270 00:08:50,905 --> 00:08:52,207 - The rest of our-- - Boom shakalaka, 271 00:08:52,274 --> 00:08:53,610 you trick-ass hoes. 272 00:08:53,677 --> 00:08:55,080 Daddy's here. - No. 273 00:08:55,146 --> 00:08:57,719 You called him to help? - Desperate times, hun. 274 00:08:57,785 --> 00:08:59,522 - But he always has ulterior motives. 275 00:08:59,589 --> 00:09:00,624 I learned my lesson with him. 276 00:09:00,691 --> 00:09:02,294 - Ha! You sure did. 277 00:09:02,360 --> 00:09:04,966 And once Chrissy offs her mom, which, by the looks of it, 278 00:09:05,033 --> 00:09:07,905 she will, nothing's standing in the way 279 00:09:07,972 --> 00:09:10,443 of good old Maximus Dawnus. 280 00:09:10,511 --> 00:09:12,214 I'm just gonna make sure it's a lock. 281 00:09:12,280 --> 00:09:13,784 Toodle-oo, double dongs. 282 00:09:13,851 --> 00:09:15,821 - Okay, Mr. Mephistopheles isn't helping. 283 00:09:15,888 --> 00:09:18,059 But no sweat, because this is gonna be easier than-- 284 00:09:18,126 --> 00:09:20,965 CHRISSY: Hey, fuckwad! check out V-Bone. 285 00:09:24,839 --> 00:09:26,843 Guess you can't drive away from this problem! 286 00:09:26,910 --> 00:09:28,279 MAN: Skidang! WOMAN: Girls got puns. 287 00:09:28,346 --> 00:09:30,818 - Well, good luck getting anywhere now, freeloader. 288 00:09:30,885 --> 00:09:33,089 I'm gonna burn all your stuffies, starting with Maude! 289 00:09:33,156 --> 00:09:35,895 CHRISSY: You touch her, I'll torch your Tempur-Pedic! 290 00:09:35,961 --> 00:09:38,700 [uplifting rock music] 291 00:09:38,767 --> 00:09:43,409 ♪♪ ♪♪ 292 00:09:43,476 --> 00:09:44,913 - What the fuck do you want? 293 00:09:44,979 --> 00:09:46,983 - [sighs] Okay. Cool. Uh, we got their attention. 294 00:09:47,050 --> 00:09:48,152 So we could just-- [feedback blares] 295 00:09:48,219 --> 00:09:49,321 Um, hi. 296 00:09:49,388 --> 00:09:50,290 It's me, Bennigan. 297 00:09:50,356 --> 00:09:51,425 LAURA: Yes, we know. 298 00:09:51,493 --> 00:09:52,528 - Right. [chuckles] 299 00:09:52,595 --> 00:09:53,997 Hi, Chrissy. 300 00:09:54,064 --> 00:09:54,999 - Hey, Bennigan. 301 00:09:55,066 --> 00:09:56,102 - Um, okay. 302 00:09:56,168 --> 00:09:58,139 First things first, are you injured? 303 00:09:58,206 --> 00:10:00,376 BOTH: No. - You're doing great, sweetie. 304 00:10:00,443 --> 00:10:02,815 - Um, well, I'm still mad at you, Chrissy, 305 00:10:02,882 --> 00:10:04,485 for obvious reasons. 306 00:10:04,552 --> 00:10:06,422 But I don't want you to get hurt. 307 00:10:06,489 --> 00:10:08,025 I--I think that'd suck. 308 00:10:08,092 --> 00:10:08,994 [crowd awws] 309 00:10:09,061 --> 00:10:10,631 MAN: Short speech, but effective! 310 00:10:10,698 --> 00:10:12,835 - Yeah. Hi, gals. Darlene here. 311 00:10:12,902 --> 00:10:14,471 So you wanna rip each other's heads off. 312 00:10:14,539 --> 00:10:15,875 It's what happens with family. 313 00:10:15,941 --> 00:10:17,912 I mean, one time my eldest son Trevor 314 00:10:17,979 --> 00:10:20,083 got so mad after I told him he couldn't watch 315 00:10:20,150 --> 00:10:22,354 "Sex, Lies, and Videotape" that he ran away 316 00:10:22,420 --> 00:10:24,893 and I found him playing craps with Duncan Sheik-- 317 00:10:24,959 --> 00:10:28,166 - The point is, it's difficult between you two right now, 318 00:10:28,232 --> 00:10:29,936 but you love each other. 319 00:10:30,003 --> 00:10:31,540 Remember that time you helped your mom 320 00:10:31,606 --> 00:10:33,109 get all those leeches off of her? 321 00:10:33,176 --> 00:10:36,650 - After she purposely used them to infiltrate the PTA moms? 322 00:10:36,716 --> 00:10:38,821 Yep! She says she puts me first? 323 00:10:38,887 --> 00:10:41,058 Bullshit! She's Hitler with boobs. 324 00:10:41,125 --> 00:10:41,893 She's Titler! 325 00:10:41,960 --> 00:10:43,095 - And now you're putting down 326 00:10:43,162 --> 00:10:44,999 your Jewish heritage? So cool of you. 327 00:10:45,066 --> 00:10:46,335 CHRISSY: What heritage? 328 00:10:46,402 --> 00:10:48,740 You said Elijah was a waste of good wine. 329 00:10:48,807 --> 00:10:50,076 LAURA: I stand by that. 330 00:11:34,064 --> 00:11:36,870 SATAN: Time for the escalator to escalate. 331 00:11:36,937 --> 00:11:38,472 Hey, dipshit. It's Satan. 332 00:11:38,540 --> 00:11:40,844 Tell me where I can find the worst shit on Laura, 333 00:11:40,911 --> 00:11:43,015 something that'll make Chrissy go fucking nuts, 334 00:11:43,082 --> 00:11:45,286 or I'll crawl into your brain and rewire it, 335 00:11:45,353 --> 00:11:47,224 so every time you touch your butthole, 336 00:11:47,290 --> 00:11:49,461 it feels like you're covered in lava. 337 00:11:49,529 --> 00:11:51,131 - Ah, fuck. 338 00:11:54,505 --> 00:11:55,541 - Ladies, look. I have two daughters, 339 00:11:55,608 --> 00:11:56,710 two wives, a mother, 340 00:11:56,776 --> 00:11:58,246 and multiple close female friends. 341 00:11:58,312 --> 00:12:01,252 So how about you both stop torturing yourselves 342 00:12:01,318 --> 00:12:02,588 and eat something? 343 00:12:02,655 --> 00:12:04,424 - Why don't you remember the time that you peed your pants 344 00:12:04,492 --> 00:12:05,426 in front of the whole town? 345 00:12:05,494 --> 00:12:06,529 CHRISSY: Shut up, old man! 346 00:12:06,596 --> 00:12:08,800 - Uh, thank you, Mayor. MAN: He's a genius. 347 00:12:08,867 --> 00:12:11,238 - Come on, you're being too hard on each other. 348 00:12:11,305 --> 00:12:13,009 Chrissy, I know your mom cares about you 349 00:12:13,075 --> 00:12:14,779 more than anything in the world. 350 00:12:14,846 --> 00:12:16,549 She infiltrated the PTA 351 00:12:16,616 --> 00:12:18,954 to show you those moms didn't have doodoo on her. 352 00:12:19,021 --> 00:12:20,624 - And Laura, Chrissy cares about you 353 00:12:20,691 --> 00:12:22,093 more than you realize. 354 00:12:22,160 --> 00:12:23,764 She's a teenage Antichrist. 355 00:12:23,830 --> 00:12:27,070 Every day she chooses to fight her nature and stay with you. 356 00:12:27,137 --> 00:12:29,107 - Look, Chrissy, Darlene is right about the PTA moms. 357 00:12:29,174 --> 00:12:31,178 I did that for you, mostly. 358 00:12:31,245 --> 00:12:33,750 I always put you first. - Okay, you put me first once. 359 00:12:33,817 --> 00:12:34,819 Great. 360 00:12:34,886 --> 00:12:36,021 But don't get a big head about it. 361 00:12:36,088 --> 00:12:38,292 - A big head, like Bill head, big fucking-- 362 00:12:38,359 --> 00:12:39,361 big head--big bitch? 363 00:12:39,428 --> 00:12:41,231 - [laughs, snorts] That wasn't a laugh. 364 00:12:41,298 --> 00:12:43,035 That wasn't a fucking laugh. Don't look at me. 365 00:12:43,102 --> 00:12:44,304 - Now, we're getting somewhere. 366 00:12:44,371 --> 00:12:46,843 Time to hit 'em them some 'roke to clinch them. 367 00:12:46,910 --> 00:12:48,079 ["Islands in the Stream" playing] 368 00:12:48,145 --> 00:12:50,383 Oh, classic. ♪♪ Islands in the stream ♪♪ 369 00:12:50,450 --> 00:12:51,987 - Listen up, cucarachas. 370 00:12:52,053 --> 00:12:54,324 Sounds like we're a song away from a mother-daughter 371 00:12:54,391 --> 00:12:55,728 "Shallow" duet, 372 00:12:55,794 --> 00:12:57,197 so we don't have much time. 373 00:12:57,263 --> 00:12:59,234 We're entering the lair of the wicked witch 374 00:12:59,301 --> 00:13:00,938 to obtain a heavily-guarded weapon 375 00:13:01,005 --> 00:13:02,975 of mass emotional destruction. 376 00:13:03,042 --> 00:13:06,215 So get your thoraxes in gear so we can end this war 377 00:13:06,281 --> 00:13:08,654 in your disease-riddled favor. 378 00:13:08,720 --> 00:13:10,691 All right, get in there, guys. 379 00:13:10,758 --> 00:13:13,830 [dramatic music] 380 00:13:16,736 --> 00:13:18,105 SATAN: Second wave! 381 00:13:19,709 --> 00:13:21,412 SATAN: Ignore the dead! 382 00:13:21,478 --> 00:13:24,719 ♪♪ ♪♪ 383 00:13:24,786 --> 00:13:27,257 SATAN: Bring it home, boys! 384 00:13:27,324 --> 00:13:34,237 ♪♪ ♪♪ 385 00:13:38,479 --> 00:13:40,049 - What's this? 386 00:13:42,120 --> 00:13:44,726 "I think I've found a way to solve all my problems." 387 00:13:44,792 --> 00:13:47,698 [ominous music] 388 00:13:47,765 --> 00:13:51,305 ♪♪ ♪♪ 389 00:13:51,372 --> 00:13:52,541 CHRISSY: Laura? 390 00:13:52,608 --> 00:13:53,510 Laura, where are you? 391 00:13:53,577 --> 00:13:54,579 LAURA: I'm here. 392 00:13:54,645 --> 00:13:55,848 I'm right here. 393 00:13:55,914 --> 00:13:57,183 Look, things got out of hand, okay? 394 00:13:57,250 --> 00:13:59,354 But I'm ready to call it quits if you are. 395 00:13:59,421 --> 00:14:01,559 - "Got the two pounds of Sphinx flesh, check. 396 00:14:01,626 --> 00:14:03,162 Baryonic matter, check." 397 00:14:03,229 --> 00:14:04,431 - Wha--where did you get-- 398 00:14:04,499 --> 00:14:06,268 - "With this Posterum spell, I can go back 399 00:14:06,335 --> 00:14:08,573 "and forget I ever met that sick bastard, 400 00:14:08,640 --> 00:14:09,776 forget I ever had a kid." 401 00:14:09,842 --> 00:14:10,978 - Okay, let me explain. 402 00:14:11,045 --> 00:14:12,347 - "Forget I ever had a kid"? 403 00:14:12,414 --> 00:14:14,451 What is this? - That? What is that? 404 00:14:14,519 --> 00:14:15,954 That is just my journal from when 405 00:14:16,021 --> 00:14:17,323 I was in a very dark place, 406 00:14:17,390 --> 00:14:19,027 drinking lots of tequila. None of it's real. 407 00:14:19,094 --> 00:14:21,265 - Tell me about this Posterum spell, now. 408 00:14:21,331 --> 00:14:23,102 - It was just some silly spell this old which sold me 409 00:14:23,169 --> 00:14:24,706 when you were four and we were on the ferry 410 00:14:24,772 --> 00:14:25,841 from Thunder Bay to Waukesha. 411 00:14:25,908 --> 00:14:27,545 I'm sure you're too young to even remember. 412 00:14:27,611 --> 00:14:29,014 - And the spell? 413 00:14:29,081 --> 00:14:31,185 - It--you know, it was supposed to reverse time 414 00:14:31,251 --> 00:14:33,990 and take me back to before I ever met your father. 415 00:14:34,057 --> 00:14:36,128 - And before you ever had me. 416 00:14:36,195 --> 00:14:37,932 - Well, technically, yeah, but-- 417 00:14:37,998 --> 00:14:39,602 - Erase me from your life 418 00:14:39,669 --> 00:14:42,107 so you could start a new life without me. 419 00:14:42,173 --> 00:14:43,142 That's putting me first? 420 00:14:43,209 --> 00:14:44,478 - At the time, I thought I was doing 421 00:14:44,545 --> 00:14:46,081 what was best for the both of us. 422 00:14:46,148 --> 00:14:47,317 We'd been on the run for years, 423 00:14:47,383 --> 00:14:49,421 living off of beans and food scraps. 424 00:14:49,488 --> 00:14:50,490 You were starving. 425 00:14:50,557 --> 00:14:52,327 - Jesus fuck. - But the spell didn't work. 426 00:14:52,394 --> 00:14:54,064 So yay. And--and I regret-- 427 00:14:54,131 --> 00:14:56,201 - You actually tried? 428 00:14:56,268 --> 00:14:58,640 Why would you even try, 429 00:14:58,707 --> 00:15:00,443 on your own fucking daughter? 430 00:15:00,511 --> 00:15:01,579 - I-- - Why? 431 00:15:01,646 --> 00:15:02,648 - I-- - Why? 432 00:15:02,715 --> 00:15:05,386 - Because your birth felt like my death. 433 00:15:06,589 --> 00:15:07,958 I mean, no. 434 00:15:08,025 --> 00:15:09,495 I didn't--I didn't mean that. 435 00:15:09,562 --> 00:15:12,535 - You evil fucking cunt! 436 00:15:12,601 --> 00:15:15,507 [exciting music] 437 00:15:15,574 --> 00:15:17,343 ♪♪ ♪♪ 438 00:15:20,984 --> 00:15:22,454 SATAN: Incoming. 439 00:15:22,521 --> 00:15:24,725 This is what I'm talking about, baby. 440 00:15:24,792 --> 00:15:27,498 [growling] 441 00:15:27,565 --> 00:15:28,900 I feel alive! 442 00:15:28,967 --> 00:15:30,637 Ow! 443 00:15:30,704 --> 00:15:33,242 Here comes daddy. 444 00:15:33,309 --> 00:15:34,679 WOMAN: Oh, my God! WOMAN: Shit! 445 00:15:34,745 --> 00:15:36,616 - So this is how it ends, 446 00:15:36,683 --> 00:15:38,587 with a bang, not a whimper. 447 00:15:38,653 --> 00:15:40,089 - Huh, TS Eliot was wrong. 448 00:15:40,156 --> 00:15:41,960 - Well, at least he was good in "Road House." 449 00:15:44,832 --> 00:15:47,771 [dramatic music] 450 00:15:47,838 --> 00:15:51,011 ♪♪ ♪♪ 451 00:15:51,078 --> 00:15:54,184 - [shrieking] 452 00:16:30,724 --> 00:16:33,395 - Fuck you! 453 00:16:33,462 --> 00:16:36,268 You robbed me of a childhood and fucked me for life. 454 00:16:36,335 --> 00:16:37,872 You did it out of spite. 455 00:16:37,938 --> 00:16:39,274 I hate you! 456 00:16:39,341 --> 00:16:40,511 [shrieks] 457 00:16:43,583 --> 00:16:47,625 [eerie music] 458 00:16:47,691 --> 00:16:52,568 [ethereal laughter] 459 00:16:54,505 --> 00:16:55,439 - Wait. 460 00:16:55,507 --> 00:16:57,343 I don't--how does this-- SATAN: [chuckles] 461 00:16:57,410 --> 00:16:59,481 Nothing a little divine intervention couldn't fix. 462 00:16:59,549 --> 00:17:01,118 - I told you. I told you it was a bad idea 463 00:17:01,184 --> 00:17:02,120 to invite him. - Listen, 464 00:17:02,186 --> 00:17:03,723 I was giving him a shot. 465 00:17:03,790 --> 00:17:04,692 Everyone has layers. 466 00:17:04,759 --> 00:17:05,827 - I don't. 467 00:17:05,894 --> 00:17:08,032 Later, losers. 468 00:17:08,098 --> 00:17:09,635 - This family keeps showing us who they are 469 00:17:09,702 --> 00:17:12,040 and somehow we keep expecting something different from them. 470 00:17:12,106 --> 00:17:13,475 - People can change, Benny. 471 00:17:13,543 --> 00:17:15,246 - Clearly, this family can't. 472 00:17:15,313 --> 00:17:16,783 And ever since they moved here, 473 00:17:16,849 --> 00:17:18,687 it feels like I've been living in service of their lives. 474 00:17:18,753 --> 00:17:20,356 Even when we have our own thing going on, 475 00:17:20,423 --> 00:17:23,429 they find a way to make it about them. 476 00:17:23,496 --> 00:17:25,199 - You know what? You're right. 477 00:17:25,266 --> 00:17:26,636 Screw this. Hey. 478 00:17:26,703 --> 00:17:28,673 How about we go enact our independence 479 00:17:28,740 --> 00:17:30,844 on the karaoke machine at Gumbo Sheena's? 480 00:17:30,911 --> 00:17:32,080 - [chuckles] Sold. 481 00:17:32,146 --> 00:17:33,148 But dibs on "Total Eclipse." 482 00:17:33,215 --> 00:17:35,486 Bonnie Tyler's my girl. 483 00:17:35,554 --> 00:17:36,488 [both chuckle] - That's fine. 484 00:17:36,556 --> 00:17:38,660 I prefer "Holding Out For a Hero." 485 00:17:38,727 --> 00:17:40,764 [ominous music] 486 00:17:40,831 --> 00:17:43,536 [ethereal chuckle] 487 00:17:43,603 --> 00:17:44,572 - Chrissy? 488 00:17:44,639 --> 00:17:45,707 Come out and let's talk. 489 00:17:45,774 --> 00:17:47,043 Okay? 490 00:17:47,110 --> 00:17:49,481 The spell was a moment of desperation. 491 00:17:49,548 --> 00:17:50,584 It was stupid. 492 00:17:50,651 --> 00:17:52,588 I honestly thought it was the only way out. 493 00:17:52,655 --> 00:17:54,324 I was so young and rash, 494 00:17:54,391 --> 00:17:56,395 but I worked my ass off to help us survive 495 00:17:56,461 --> 00:17:59,067 and be your protector. 496 00:17:59,134 --> 00:18:01,739 CHRISSY: Wow. How selfless of you. 497 00:18:01,806 --> 00:18:04,010 Mind mess 'em ups! 498 00:18:04,077 --> 00:18:05,012 Laura. 499 00:18:05,079 --> 00:18:07,383 - [grunts] 500 00:18:13,530 --> 00:18:15,934 So I haven't been the perfect mom, but I'm trying. 501 00:18:16,001 --> 00:18:17,370 CHRISSY: "I'm twying." 502 00:18:17,437 --> 00:18:19,040 - I chose this life with you every day. 503 00:18:19,107 --> 00:18:20,109 I chose to sacrifice-- 504 00:18:20,176 --> 00:18:21,512 CHRISSY: Sacrifice? 505 00:18:21,579 --> 00:18:23,382 What did you sacrifice exactly, 506 00:18:23,449 --> 00:18:25,353 an internship at a slaughterhouse? 507 00:18:25,419 --> 00:18:26,723 - Slaughterhouse? No. 508 00:18:26,789 --> 00:18:28,526 Oh, but I was an apprentice at a kill shelter. 509 00:18:28,593 --> 00:18:30,296 CHRISSY: Your life was going nowhere. 510 00:18:30,363 --> 00:18:31,465 - Chrissy, please. 511 00:18:31,532 --> 00:18:34,605 - If anything, I define you. 512 00:18:36,542 --> 00:18:38,112 And you hate me for it. 513 00:18:38,178 --> 00:18:41,686 - No. No! - Admit it! 514 00:18:41,753 --> 00:18:43,590 - I hate myself, okay? 515 00:18:43,657 --> 00:18:46,696 For being resentful and unhappy with my life when I shouldn't. 516 00:18:46,763 --> 00:18:49,535 I'm a shit person. I failed us. 517 00:18:49,602 --> 00:18:51,973 I failed you. 518 00:18:52,040 --> 00:18:54,311 I've been trying to fake my way through motherhood, 519 00:18:54,377 --> 00:18:56,148 but the truth is I'm not cut out for it. 520 00:18:56,214 --> 00:18:57,785 And I'm afraid I never will be. 521 00:18:57,851 --> 00:19:00,824 [sobbing] 522 00:19:08,272 --> 00:19:11,713 CHRISSY: [sobbing] 523 00:19:11,779 --> 00:19:13,248 [wood creaking] 524 00:19:30,884 --> 00:19:36,128 - [groaning] 525 00:19:36,194 --> 00:19:39,100 [hopeful music] 526 00:19:39,167 --> 00:19:46,314 ♪♪ ♪♪ 527 00:20:04,719 --> 00:20:05,821 - [sighs] 528 00:20:25,727 --> 00:20:27,296 MAN: All right, everyone, pack it up. 529 00:20:27,363 --> 00:20:30,236 [indistinct chatter] 530 00:20:31,973 --> 00:20:36,181 - Um, I think I'm gonna head to Dad's for a bit. 531 00:20:36,248 --> 00:20:37,651 - Yeah, cool. 532 00:20:37,718 --> 00:20:39,220 - Cool. 533 00:20:55,119 --> 00:20:56,856 - Oh. No, don't worry about me. 534 00:20:56,923 --> 00:21:00,029 I just dug myself out, for fuck's sake! 535 00:21:00,096 --> 00:21:02,968 [calm instrumental music] 536 00:21:03,035 --> 00:21:09,949 ♪♪ ♪♪ 537 00:21:20,804 --> 00:21:23,075 - I was cruel to my wife. I admit it. 538 00:21:23,142 --> 00:21:26,014 I used to think because I could throw things farther, 539 00:21:26,081 --> 00:21:27,718 grow hair in more places, 540 00:21:27,784 --> 00:21:29,855 I deserved to climax and she didn't. 541 00:21:29,922 --> 00:21:33,061 Now, I know my hatred of her and all women 542 00:21:33,128 --> 00:21:35,099 came from a fear of rejection, 543 00:21:35,166 --> 00:21:37,504 as a man and a sexual performer. 544 00:21:37,571 --> 00:21:39,642 Born out of, not to sound cliche, 545 00:21:39,708 --> 00:21:42,413 a toxic relationship with my mother. 546 00:21:42,480 --> 00:21:43,917 And I can say this across the table 547 00:21:43,983 --> 00:21:46,121 to a woman I've just met, because, recently, 548 00:21:46,188 --> 00:21:48,726 I was liberated from my hatred of all women, 549 00:21:48,793 --> 00:21:51,799 my ire distilled into a singular object, 550 00:21:51,866 --> 00:21:54,638 the little girl who got my dick shot off. 551 00:21:54,705 --> 00:21:57,310 Decimating her soul is my life's purpose. 552 00:21:57,376 --> 00:21:58,880 And yes, I don't have a dick, 553 00:21:58,947 --> 00:22:00,951 but if we choose to take things further, 554 00:22:01,017 --> 00:22:04,758 I believe my metal replacement won't disappoint. 555 00:22:04,825 --> 00:22:06,696 How would you feel about dessert? 556 00:22:06,762 --> 00:22:08,733 Eh, it's her loss, really. 557 00:22:08,800 --> 00:22:11,973 Not everybody's ready for a man who's so set on his goals. 558 00:22:12,039 --> 00:22:13,041 Still, glad I went. 559 00:22:13,108 --> 00:22:15,246 You miss 100% of the shots you don't take, 560 00:22:15,312 --> 00:22:17,450 and I'm done not taking shots. 561 00:22:19,588 --> 00:22:23,128 After all, as Lil John and LMFAO said 562 00:22:23,195 --> 00:22:25,767 "Shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots."