1 00:00:07,507 --> 00:00:09,175 (keys jingle) 2 00:00:11,261 --> 00:00:12,387 (dramatic musical sting) 3 00:00:12,387 --> 00:00:13,513 Hello? 4 00:00:15,390 --> 00:00:16,808 {\an8}Erwin? 5 00:00:17,976 --> 00:00:19,519 (ominous music) 6 00:00:19,519 --> 00:00:22,230 Oh, God. Uh, I can see you. 7 00:00:22,230 --> 00:00:24,024 - Get out of there. -(breathing heavily) 8 00:00:24,024 --> 00:00:25,316 Hey, I'm running late for after-school pickup, 9 00:00:25,400 --> 00:00:28,403 - so let's hurry this up. - Bring me to the Antichrist. 10 00:00:28,403 --> 00:00:30,697 Honey, I gotta bring myself to the Antichrist, all right? 11 00:00:30,697 --> 00:00:31,781 So what's your thing? 12 00:00:31,865 --> 00:00:33,575 You need her blood for eternal life? 13 00:00:33,575 --> 00:00:34,826 Gonna use her as a vessel 14 00:00:34,826 --> 00:00:36,453 to rule your shitty realm, what? 15 00:00:36,453 --> 00:00:39,914 Burn her skin and eat her bones for ultimate power! 16 00:00:39,998 --> 00:00:41,249 -(chuckles) - Okay, sure. 17 00:00:41,249 --> 00:00:43,710 (screeches) 18 00:00:43,710 --> 00:00:46,796 You shall die by my hands, puny mortal! 19 00:00:46,880 --> 00:00:49,299 Antichrist body will be mine! 20 00:00:49,299 --> 00:00:50,425 (laughing) 21 00:00:50,425 --> 00:00:52,135 (sizzling) (roars) 22 00:00:54,471 --> 00:00:55,722 (groans) 23 00:00:57,932 --> 00:00:59,517 -(squelching) -(Laura grunting) 24 00:00:59,601 --> 00:01:01,019 Fuck! 25 00:01:01,019 --> 00:01:03,480 I forgot about this coupon. Ugh. 26 00:01:03,480 --> 00:01:06,483 (dark dramatic music) 27 00:01:06,483 --> 00:01:09,486 ♪ ♪ 28 00:01:11,738 --> 00:01:13,656 (gasps) Chrissy. God damn it, Laura. 29 00:01:13,740 --> 00:01:15,867 - Oh, mother, you are alive. - LAURA: Hey. 30 00:01:15,867 --> 00:01:17,077 {\an8}- CHRISSY: Wow. - Hey, I was about 31 00:01:17,077 --> 00:01:18,328 {\an8}to come get you. 32 00:01:18,328 --> 00:01:19,954 Finally got groceries. You hungry? 33 00:01:20,038 --> 00:01:21,873 {\an8}No, I ate with Amanda. She made a salad 34 00:01:21,873 --> 00:01:23,625 {\an8}with something called an heirloom tomato. 35 00:01:23,625 --> 00:01:25,168 Who the hell is Amanda? 36 00:01:25,168 --> 00:01:27,170 {\an8}She's a cool mom who drove me home 37 00:01:27,170 --> 00:01:29,631 {\an8}because my actual mom was nowhere to be found again. 38 00:01:29,631 --> 00:01:31,216 - Isn't Amanda a fucking peach? - CHRISSY: She is. 39 00:01:31,216 --> 00:01:32,884 {\an8}She knows the nutrients you're missing 40 00:01:32,884 --> 00:01:34,302 {\an8}based on the color of your aura. 41 00:01:34,302 --> 00:01:35,678 {\an8}She's, like, literally a witch. 42 00:01:35,762 --> 00:01:37,222 {\an8}No, I'm literally a witch. 43 00:01:37,222 --> 00:01:38,765 {\an8}Anyway, I'm in a rush. 44 00:01:38,765 --> 00:01:40,350 {\an8}- For what? - Back to School Night. 45 00:01:40,350 --> 00:01:41,768 That's for parents, right? 46 00:01:41,768 --> 00:01:43,603 {\an8}- Why didn't you remind me? - Oh, is that my job, 47 00:01:43,603 --> 00:01:44,854 {\an8}to remind you of things 48 00:01:44,938 --> 00:01:46,981 {\an8}any moderately invested parent would know? 49 00:01:47,065 --> 00:01:48,441 {\an8}You want me to do your taxes too? 50 00:01:48,525 --> 00:01:49,901 {\an8}- Apply for a loan? - Okay. Okay, Jesus. 51 00:01:49,901 --> 00:01:51,111 {\an8}Anyway, you hate that stuff, 52 00:01:51,111 --> 00:01:52,612 {\an8}parents ogling over their kids' art projects. 53 00:01:52,612 --> 00:01:54,531 {\an8}Yeah, I'd rather jam a knife up my asshole. 54 00:01:54,531 --> 00:01:55,782 {\an8}CHRISSY: You're off the hook then. 55 00:01:55,782 --> 00:01:57,534 Plus, Amanda said she'd cover for you. 56 00:01:58,868 --> 00:02:01,412 She did, huh? 57 00:02:01,496 --> 00:02:02,956 You know what? I'm gonna come. 58 00:02:02,956 --> 00:02:04,332 'Cause you're threatened by Amanda? 59 00:02:04,332 --> 00:02:05,875 No, because I'm your mother, 60 00:02:05,959 --> 00:02:07,252 and I should be there to support you. 61 00:02:07,252 --> 00:02:10,547 (soft tense music) 62 00:02:10,547 --> 00:02:11,673 Fine. 63 00:02:11,673 --> 00:02:13,133 Just promise you won't make a scene. 64 00:02:13,133 --> 00:02:14,801 - LAURA: Uh, hello? - And just be chill, okay? 65 00:02:14,801 --> 00:02:16,302 I'm chill, baby. 66 00:02:16,386 --> 00:02:18,221 Chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chilly-chill, chill. 67 00:02:18,221 --> 00:02:19,931 You have ground beef in your hair. 68 00:02:22,016 --> 00:02:25,979 {\an8}♪ ♪ 69 00:02:25,979 --> 00:02:28,398 {\an8}GOSSY: Hiya, miss. I'm Gossy the Gopher. 70 00:02:28,398 --> 00:02:30,066 {\an8}- Welcome to Back to School-- -(grunts) 71 00:02:30,150 --> 00:02:31,442 {\an8}-(Gossy yells) - If you ever touch me again, 72 00:02:31,526 --> 00:02:33,278 {\an8}I turn you into a true crime doc series, 73 00:02:33,278 --> 00:02:34,863 {\an8}- understand? - Mom! 74 00:02:34,863 --> 00:02:36,406 GOSSY: (laughing nervously) Okay, quite a grip. 75 00:02:36,406 --> 00:02:38,366 I'm gonna age ten years tonight because of you. 76 00:02:38,366 --> 00:02:39,659 - I can feel it in my bones. - Honey, look, 77 00:02:39,659 --> 00:02:41,911 {\an8}that lady's feeding her child like a baby bird. 78 00:02:41,995 --> 00:02:44,080 {\an8}CHRISSY: That's Amanda, and it's called nature bonding. 79 00:02:44,164 --> 00:02:46,457 {\an8}If you watched anything other than Top Deer Hunter, 80 00:02:46,541 --> 00:02:48,376 {\an8}- maybe you'd have heard of it. - LAURA: Well, I can't wait 81 00:02:48,376 --> 00:02:50,170 {\an8}to meet this headband with a smile. 82 00:02:50,170 --> 00:02:51,838 Hey there, Chrissy babe. 83 00:02:51,838 --> 00:02:54,591 {\an8}- You must be Laura. - Oh, my God, I am. Hi. 84 00:02:54,591 --> 00:02:56,718 {\an8}- And you must be Amanda. - AMANDA: Uh, yes. 85 00:02:56,718 --> 00:02:58,845 {\an8}Chrissy babe won't stop talking about you. 86 00:02:58,845 --> 00:03:00,763 {\an8}It's like she has a defect. 87 00:03:00,847 --> 00:03:03,766 {\an8}(both laughing) 88 00:03:03,850 --> 00:03:05,351 {\an8}- She is the best. - LAURA: Yeah. 89 00:03:05,435 --> 00:03:06,895 {\an8}All of her teachers think so too. 90 00:03:06,895 --> 00:03:10,231 {\an8}Oh, you're-you're discussing my daughter with her teachers. 91 00:03:10,315 --> 00:03:11,566 How thoughtful of you. 92 00:03:11,566 --> 00:03:13,651 As a PTA president, I make sure to communicate 93 00:03:13,735 --> 00:03:15,528 with the teachers and children. 94 00:03:15,612 --> 00:03:17,322 I--wh-what can I say? I love helping. 95 00:03:17,322 --> 00:03:19,407 Oh, I'm glad you have all the time in the world to help, 96 00:03:19,407 --> 00:03:20,950 what with me having to work full-time. 97 00:03:21,034 --> 00:03:22,702 -(laughs) - AMANDA: Oh, hon, we all work. 98 00:03:22,702 --> 00:03:24,746 But as mothers, our real job is taking care 99 00:03:24,746 --> 00:03:26,706 of our kids, right? 100 00:03:26,706 --> 00:03:28,625 You should come to a PTA meeting sometime. 101 00:03:28,625 --> 00:03:31,085 We've sent you multiple messages about joining. 102 00:03:31,169 --> 00:03:32,962 I'll be there with bells on when I'm done 103 00:03:33,046 --> 00:03:34,923 protecting my daughter from the dark forces 104 00:03:34,923 --> 00:03:36,507 that threaten her and all of human existence. 105 00:03:36,591 --> 00:03:37,675 Girl, it's so great 106 00:03:37,759 --> 00:03:39,385 that you feel like you're doing a good job, 107 00:03:39,469 --> 00:03:40,553 but Chrissy here, 108 00:03:40,637 --> 00:03:42,472 and I do feel like I have to speak for her, 109 00:03:42,472 --> 00:03:44,057 - she wants some normalcy. - MOM 1: Okay? 110 00:03:44,057 --> 00:03:45,892 - MOM 2: I say that all the time. - Mom, don't. 111 00:03:45,892 --> 00:03:47,477 Look at the painting she made. 112 00:03:47,477 --> 00:03:49,270 It's clearly a cry for help. 113 00:03:49,354 --> 00:03:51,439 (person screaming) 114 00:03:51,439 --> 00:03:53,191 AMANDA: Have you considered getting Chrissy therapy? 115 00:03:53,191 --> 00:03:54,525 - Oh, fuck you! -(all gasp) 116 00:03:54,609 --> 00:03:55,985 Fuck all of you. I'm not listening 117 00:03:56,069 --> 00:03:58,488 to a bunch of participation trophy moms telling me 118 00:03:58,488 --> 00:04:00,698 that my kid needs therapy because she can't paint! 119 00:04:00,782 --> 00:04:03,201 News flash: they all suck at it! 120 00:04:03,201 --> 00:04:05,119 - None of this matters. -(all gasp) 121 00:04:05,203 --> 00:04:06,412 GOSSY: (clears throat) Ma'am, let's chill 122 00:04:06,496 --> 00:04:07,705 in front of the students-- (groans) 123 00:04:07,789 --> 00:04:09,332 - MOM 3: Oh, God. - MOM 4: No, not Gossy. 124 00:04:09,332 --> 00:04:11,292 - You're unstable. - I don't give a shit 125 00:04:11,376 --> 00:04:13,002 what you and these other moms think. 126 00:04:13,086 --> 00:04:14,087 Suck on my clit! 127 00:04:14,087 --> 00:04:15,964 -(all gasp) - MOM 5: Language. 128 00:04:18,132 --> 00:04:19,467 SATAN IN CADAVER: Reverse ribbed condoms 129 00:04:19,467 --> 00:04:20,885 - for his pleasure. - Check. 130 00:04:20,969 --> 00:04:22,845 Cologne that smells like a wet dog. 131 00:04:22,929 --> 00:04:23,930 -(chuckles) - Check. 132 00:04:23,930 --> 00:04:25,265 A cadaver so juiced 133 00:04:25,265 --> 00:04:27,350 it'd make Joe Rogan cream his pants. 134 00:04:27,350 --> 00:04:28,768 (sighs) Check. 135 00:04:28,768 --> 00:04:32,105 And I'm ready for another one of Baka's bachelor parties 136 00:04:32,105 --> 00:04:34,691 where we murder dumb humans just for kicks. 137 00:04:34,691 --> 00:04:36,693 -(sighs) - Don't give me that look. 138 00:04:36,693 --> 00:04:39,195 Every week, it's Dad this, Dad that. 139 00:04:39,279 --> 00:04:40,405 What about the boys? 140 00:04:40,405 --> 00:04:41,864 Baka's badass. 141 00:04:41,948 --> 00:04:43,199 This is his tenth marriage, you know. 142 00:04:43,283 --> 00:04:46,244 Baka only care Baka. And he eat every wife. 143 00:04:46,244 --> 00:04:48,246 These guys are my actual friends 144 00:04:48,246 --> 00:04:49,831 who I haven't seen in centuries, 145 00:04:49,831 --> 00:04:52,166 so don't embarrass me with your weird snake shit. 146 00:04:53,918 --> 00:04:56,296 - Bro! - Baka! (grunts) 147 00:04:56,296 --> 00:04:58,464 - Oh, yeah. -(both laughing) 148 00:04:58,548 --> 00:04:59,841 Looking sharp, baby. 149 00:04:59,841 --> 00:05:01,009 Oh, man, I missed you. 150 00:05:01,009 --> 00:05:03,011 Yo, Mabel, had some work done, huh? 151 00:05:03,011 --> 00:05:04,512 Peeled off a supermodel's face. 152 00:05:04,512 --> 00:05:05,638 Now it's my mask. 153 00:05:05,722 --> 00:05:08,349 SATAN: And Bogey, you're still-- 154 00:05:08,433 --> 00:05:10,685 (giggles) Unmedicated and ready to mingle. 155 00:05:10,685 --> 00:05:12,270 Where'd you get that human skin suit, 156 00:05:12,270 --> 00:05:14,147 the Micro-Penis Men's Warehouse? 157 00:05:14,147 --> 00:05:16,190 Yeah. I used your employee discount. 158 00:05:16,274 --> 00:05:17,567 (laughter) 159 00:05:17,567 --> 00:05:19,527 - Sitcom style banter. - MABEL: ♪ Micro-penis ♪ 160 00:05:19,527 --> 00:05:21,487 And how about this son of a bitch? 161 00:05:21,571 --> 00:05:22,655 Tenth time's a charm, am I right? 162 00:05:22,739 --> 00:05:23,865 Come on. 163 00:05:23,865 --> 00:05:25,700 You know I'm gonna eat her. (chuckling) 164 00:05:25,700 --> 00:05:27,744 - Of course you're gonna eat her. - I'm gonna eat my wife. 165 00:05:27,744 --> 00:05:29,203 - SATAN: Munching. -(Baka growling) 166 00:05:29,287 --> 00:05:30,955 - Whoo, whoo! -(laughter) 167 00:05:31,039 --> 00:05:32,540 You finally did it. 168 00:05:32,540 --> 00:05:34,042 You birthed the Antichrist, 169 00:05:34,042 --> 00:05:35,335 - you old son of a bitch. - SATAN: That's right. 170 00:05:35,335 --> 00:05:37,086 Straight shooter right here, baby. 171 00:05:37,170 --> 00:05:38,129 MABEL: Strong little spermies. 172 00:05:38,129 --> 00:05:39,922 Better not get soft on us now. 173 00:05:40,006 --> 00:05:41,841 Hell no, you dumb asshole. 174 00:05:41,841 --> 00:05:43,217 Would a softy do this? 175 00:05:43,301 --> 00:05:44,427 -(speaks language) -(laughter) 176 00:05:44,427 --> 00:05:45,970 I hit my own driver. 177 00:05:46,054 --> 00:05:47,430 That's pretty wacky, right? 178 00:05:47,430 --> 00:05:48,639 I'm unhinged. 179 00:05:48,723 --> 00:05:51,392 Good, because when Maximus Dawnus begins, 180 00:05:51,476 --> 00:05:53,186 you boys know what that means, right? 181 00:05:53,186 --> 00:05:54,854 - Doing badass shit forever. - My mom's boyfriend will see 182 00:05:54,854 --> 00:05:57,273 - that I'm really not a fuck-up! - Yeah! Back on top, baby. 183 00:05:57,357 --> 00:05:59,317 Like I was with your moms last night. 184 00:05:59,317 --> 00:06:02,320 -(laughter) - You dirty dog. 185 00:06:02,320 --> 00:06:04,614 LAURA: Oh, my God. Apologize? 186 00:06:04,614 --> 00:06:06,741 She accused me of being a bad parent. 187 00:06:06,741 --> 00:06:07,909 You ever think she might be right? 188 00:06:07,909 --> 00:06:10,703 - Are you fucking kidding me? - You forget to pick me up. 189 00:06:10,787 --> 00:06:12,163 First time you come to a school event, 190 00:06:12,163 --> 00:06:13,247 you beat up our mascot. 191 00:06:13,331 --> 00:06:14,624 That asshole needs to learn 192 00:06:14,624 --> 00:06:15,792 how to respect personal boundaries. 193 00:06:15,792 --> 00:06:17,251 You're incapable of putting my needs 194 00:06:17,335 --> 00:06:18,669 ahead of your insane ego. 195 00:06:18,753 --> 00:06:20,713 You have no idea how much I do for you. 196 00:06:20,797 --> 00:06:23,007 Amanda does much more in her day for her kids 197 00:06:23,091 --> 00:06:25,218 - than you've ever done for me. - What? 198 00:06:25,218 --> 00:06:26,844 And you'll never be a normal mom if you keep... 199 00:06:26,928 --> 00:06:28,638 -(Laura yells) - Flying off the handle 200 00:06:28,638 --> 00:06:30,515 at inappropriate times. 201 00:06:30,515 --> 00:06:31,933 I'm done. I'm out. 202 00:06:31,933 --> 00:06:33,559 Fine. Fine. Be out. 203 00:06:33,643 --> 00:06:36,312 I'm gonna--I'm gonna stop being angry 204 00:06:36,396 --> 00:06:39,357 and prove to you I can be a more normal mom than Amanda 205 00:06:39,357 --> 00:06:40,525 or any of those assholes. 206 00:06:40,525 --> 00:06:41,734 You're off to a great start. 207 00:06:41,818 --> 00:06:43,653 Normal mom throwing a normal glass of whiskey 208 00:06:43,653 --> 00:06:45,071 at the normal wall after being asked 209 00:06:45,071 --> 00:06:46,989 - to leave school grounds. - Yeah. Yeah, that's me. 210 00:06:47,073 --> 00:06:49,700 Mrs. Normal. Normal, normal-- 211 00:06:49,784 --> 00:06:51,119 These are anger leeches, Darlene. 212 00:06:51,119 --> 00:06:52,703 Instead of blood, they suck out rage. 213 00:06:52,787 --> 00:06:54,580 I'm gonna beat those mothers at their own game 214 00:06:54,664 --> 00:06:56,290 and make Chrissy happy I'm her mom. 215 00:06:56,374 --> 00:06:58,418 I'm not sure if out-momming is the thing 216 00:06:58,418 --> 00:06:59,794 to win over a teenager's heart. 217 00:06:59,794 --> 00:07:01,337 I always found listening to be-- 218 00:07:01,421 --> 00:07:02,630 All right, shut up. Tell me a story. 219 00:07:02,630 --> 00:07:05,007 Really? Okay. Gosh. Where do I start? Okay. 220 00:07:05,091 --> 00:07:06,759 I was talking to my friend Darlene. 221 00:07:06,843 --> 00:07:08,511 Long story. I was at a speed dating thing, 222 00:07:08,511 --> 00:07:10,680 and I was like, "Wait, your name is Darlene too?" 223 00:07:10,680 --> 00:07:12,515 And she was like, "Hell yeah, bitch!" 224 00:07:12,515 --> 00:07:14,392 (laughs) So keep that in mind for later. 225 00:07:14,392 --> 00:07:16,102 - Get to the fucking point! - Oh, yeah. 226 00:07:16,102 --> 00:07:19,063 My chiropractor, Seong-Mi Darlene-- 227 00:07:19,147 --> 00:07:20,940 - in Korean, it's also Darlene. -(groans, sighs) 228 00:07:20,940 --> 00:07:23,025 So there we were, three Darlenes in a bar-- 229 00:07:23,109 --> 00:07:25,069 (laughs) That's the start of a joke. 230 00:07:25,153 --> 00:07:27,280 Wow. That shit really works. 231 00:07:27,280 --> 00:07:30,366 (leech squelching) 232 00:07:32,452 --> 00:07:34,579 So anyways, I found out my chiropractor was 233 00:07:34,579 --> 00:07:36,372 in the Magic Mike prequel, 234 00:07:36,456 --> 00:07:38,040 Magic Michelangelo. (leech squelching) 235 00:07:38,124 --> 00:07:40,626 (laughter and chatter) 236 00:07:40,710 --> 00:07:42,587 JENNY: And so I told her, it's called Lexapro 237 00:07:42,587 --> 00:07:44,213 not Lexa-rookie for a reason. 238 00:07:44,297 --> 00:07:45,548 -(chuckles) - CHRISSY: Hey, everyone. 239 00:07:45,548 --> 00:07:47,800 What's, uh--what's going on? 240 00:07:47,884 --> 00:07:48,968 Oh, hi, sweetie. 241 00:07:48,968 --> 00:07:51,721 I asked Amanda and the other moms over 242 00:07:51,721 --> 00:07:55,391 - so I could... apologize. -(leech squelching) 243 00:07:55,475 --> 00:07:59,562 My behavior last night was inexcusable. 244 00:07:59,562 --> 00:08:01,063 Uh-huh. 245 00:08:01,147 --> 00:08:02,440 Your mom told us you vocalized 246 00:08:02,440 --> 00:08:03,816 your need for her to be better. 247 00:08:03,900 --> 00:08:06,777 It was your strength, Chrissy, that's shown her she can. 248 00:08:06,861 --> 00:08:08,654 My strength? She said that? 249 00:08:08,738 --> 00:08:11,449 I understand now that you more than anyone 250 00:08:11,449 --> 00:08:14,243 have been affected the most by my behavior. 251 00:08:14,327 --> 00:08:16,204 I trust you to make your own choices, 252 00:08:16,204 --> 00:08:18,915 and I hope you will trust me to support them. 253 00:08:18,915 --> 00:08:21,542 Uh, okay. 254 00:08:21,626 --> 00:08:23,169 Will you support my decision to buy 255 00:08:23,169 --> 00:08:25,087 those Jessica Simpson ankle boots? 256 00:08:25,171 --> 00:08:28,174 -(dramatic musical sting) -(leech squelching) 257 00:08:29,759 --> 00:08:35,223 (strained) Here you are, Chrissy. 258 00:08:35,223 --> 00:08:36,724 (groans) 259 00:08:36,724 --> 00:08:40,102 And I'd love to volunteer for the PTA, 260 00:08:40,186 --> 00:08:42,730 that is, if the offer's still on the table. 261 00:08:42,730 --> 00:08:44,023 - Of course it is. - Sure. 262 00:08:44,023 --> 00:08:46,025 Oh, I'm here for this moment, ladies. 263 00:08:46,025 --> 00:08:47,735 I haven't seen this much personal growth 264 00:08:47,735 --> 00:08:49,070 since Ruby went to rehab. 265 00:08:49,070 --> 00:08:51,656 (chuckling) I used to eat couch cushions. 266 00:08:51,656 --> 00:08:53,241 (laughter) 267 00:08:53,241 --> 00:08:54,534 ERWIN: Hmm. 268 00:08:54,534 --> 00:08:56,911 She's pouring rosé, volunteering her time. 269 00:08:56,911 --> 00:08:58,663 Something weird's going on here. 270 00:08:58,663 --> 00:09:00,331 Oh, for sure. 271 00:09:00,331 --> 00:09:02,250 - But it's working out for me. -(grunts) 272 00:09:07,713 --> 00:09:11,175 (clanging) 273 00:09:11,259 --> 00:09:12,426 (gasps) 274 00:09:14,387 --> 00:09:15,805 Hello? 275 00:09:15,805 --> 00:09:17,974 Harold? 276 00:09:17,974 --> 00:09:19,392 Still polishing our blood diamonds 277 00:09:19,392 --> 00:09:20,851 at this hour? 278 00:09:20,935 --> 00:09:22,186 Ah! 279 00:09:22,270 --> 00:09:26,691 (panting) 280 00:09:26,691 --> 00:09:28,776 (screams) 281 00:09:28,776 --> 00:09:31,696 BOGEY: Oh, it burns so good. (moans) 282 00:09:31,696 --> 00:09:33,656 Is this an "eat the rich" thing? 283 00:09:33,656 --> 00:09:35,366 Are you AOC? 284 00:09:35,366 --> 00:09:37,994 (eerie music) 285 00:09:37,994 --> 00:09:39,287 - Hi. -(screams) 286 00:09:39,287 --> 00:09:40,580 (cackling) 287 00:09:40,580 --> 00:09:41,872 (gurgling) 288 00:09:41,956 --> 00:09:44,875 (laughter) 289 00:09:44,959 --> 00:09:47,295 -(wheezing) - Check this shit out. 290 00:09:47,295 --> 00:09:49,547 (mimicking Harold) Oh, dear, wine and cheese. 291 00:09:49,547 --> 00:09:50,756 Tax havens. 292 00:09:50,840 --> 00:09:52,550 Okey dokey, artichokey. 293 00:09:52,550 --> 00:09:53,968 My turn, fuckers. 294 00:09:53,968 --> 00:09:55,886 Time to get inside of some meat sacks. 295 00:09:55,970 --> 00:09:57,096 Oh, this is what it's all about. 296 00:09:57,096 --> 00:09:59,223 - I'm tent-poling already. -(moaning) 297 00:09:59,307 --> 00:10:00,641 SATAN IN GRANDMA: Hey, look at me. 298 00:10:00,725 --> 00:10:02,059 I'm bad grandma. 299 00:10:02,143 --> 00:10:03,644 I have loose hips. 300 00:10:03,728 --> 00:10:05,479 I'm ready to fill up this hole. 301 00:10:05,563 --> 00:10:06,522 (gurgling) 302 00:10:06,606 --> 00:10:08,065 (laughter) 303 00:10:08,149 --> 00:10:09,609 Now let's shake things up. 304 00:10:09,609 --> 00:10:12,028 (rumbling, rattling) 305 00:10:12,028 --> 00:10:13,988 (screaming) 306 00:10:13,988 --> 00:10:17,074 (rumbling) 307 00:10:21,787 --> 00:10:24,123 (glass shatters) 308 00:10:24,123 --> 00:10:25,958 (crying) 309 00:10:26,042 --> 00:10:27,251 The fuck, dude? 310 00:10:29,670 --> 00:10:31,505 An incidental death doesn't count. 311 00:10:31,589 --> 00:10:33,049 - We all know that. - Yeah, that's true, but-- 312 00:10:33,049 --> 00:10:34,300 You guys keep going. 313 00:10:34,300 --> 00:10:36,552 I'm gonna go outside and bury it, uh, a-alive. 314 00:10:36,636 --> 00:10:39,764 (ominous music) 315 00:10:39,764 --> 00:10:41,265 What the hell are you looking at? 316 00:10:41,349 --> 00:10:43,809 You never seen a guy stuff a live girl in a trunk before? 317 00:10:43,893 --> 00:10:45,770 Why not kill meatbag? 318 00:10:45,770 --> 00:10:46,937 I'm saving it for later. 319 00:10:47,021 --> 00:10:48,356 Are you gonna yap my ear off all night? 320 00:10:48,356 --> 00:10:50,775 Was just question. Sheesh. 321 00:10:50,775 --> 00:10:52,818 (laughter) 322 00:10:52,902 --> 00:10:54,528 You say anything, I'll turn you 323 00:10:54,612 --> 00:10:56,656 - into a pair of snakeskin boots. - SNAKE WITH ARMS: Yeesh. 324 00:10:56,656 --> 00:10:58,866 That was fucking awesome, Bak! 325 00:10:58,866 --> 00:11:00,242 - BAKA: Yeah! - MABEL: On to the next stop. 326 00:11:00,326 --> 00:11:01,494 - Frat house! - BAKA: Yeah! 327 00:11:01,494 --> 00:11:02,745 - BOGEY: Whoo-hoo! - MABEL: Murder. Torture. 328 00:11:02,745 --> 00:11:03,996 Let's binge-butcher some Homo sapiens. 329 00:11:04,080 --> 00:11:05,373 - Butts. Delicious. - BAKA: Murder. Torture. 330 00:11:05,373 --> 00:11:06,874 Hey. Yeah, right. (laughs nervously) 331 00:11:06,874 --> 00:11:08,459 - BAKA: Let's do this, baby! - MABEL: Tight frat butts! 332 00:11:09,168 --> 00:11:12,171 {\an8}♪ Doo, doo, doo-doo-doo, doo, doo, doo ♪ 333 00:11:12,171 --> 00:11:13,923 {\an8}Oh, don't mind if I do. 334 00:11:14,965 --> 00:11:17,968 (crunching) 335 00:11:18,052 --> 00:11:19,387 -(water running) -♪ Oh, I'm in the shower ♪ 336 00:11:19,387 --> 00:11:23,015 ♪ I'm showering after eating a cookie ♪ 337 00:11:23,099 --> 00:11:24,975 -♪ And then-- ♪ -(pipes rattle, water stops) 338 00:11:25,059 --> 00:11:26,143 Huh? 339 00:11:26,894 --> 00:11:27,853 - ERWIN: Chrissy! -(yelps) 340 00:11:27,937 --> 00:11:29,313 Ah, sorry, Erwin. 341 00:11:29,397 --> 00:11:30,564 I didn't know you were doing, uh... 342 00:11:30,648 --> 00:11:31,607 whatever you were doing. 343 00:11:31,691 --> 00:11:33,526 Apologizes, Chrissy Feinberg. 344 00:11:33,526 --> 00:11:35,236 I was just having my biannual bath 345 00:11:35,236 --> 00:11:36,320 when the water went out. 346 00:11:36,404 --> 00:11:37,697 Yeah. I know. Did my mom forget 347 00:11:37,697 --> 00:11:39,115 to pay the utility bill or something? 348 00:11:39,115 --> 00:11:40,366 (chuckling) 349 00:11:40,366 --> 00:11:42,410 Your mother's been off the grid for years. 350 00:11:42,410 --> 00:11:45,538 - She runs things her own way. - Ah. Okay. 351 00:11:45,538 --> 00:11:47,289 So how do I get the water back on, then? 352 00:11:47,373 --> 00:11:50,084 (laughing) 353 00:11:50,084 --> 00:11:52,461 To replenish the water supply, 354 00:11:52,545 --> 00:11:53,963 descend into the haunted well... 355 00:11:53,963 --> 00:11:55,673 - Whoo! - ERWIN: Place rod in dirt, 356 00:11:55,673 --> 00:11:58,175 then ingest wet, scaled vertebrate. 357 00:11:58,259 --> 00:12:00,052 - Sorry, buddy. - ERWIN: Don't worry. 358 00:12:00,136 --> 00:12:01,387 Frat boys do it all the time. 359 00:12:01,387 --> 00:12:04,473 (gags) Terra Lacrimae! 360 00:12:04,557 --> 00:12:06,142 (water bubbling) 361 00:12:06,142 --> 00:12:08,102 It worked! Yeah, motherfucker! 362 00:12:08,102 --> 00:12:10,438 (chuckles) Oh! 363 00:12:11,439 --> 00:12:12,773 -(whimpers) -(roars) 364 00:12:12,857 --> 00:12:14,692 (screams) 365 00:12:16,444 --> 00:12:18,237 (growls) 366 00:12:20,740 --> 00:12:23,743 (gasping) 367 00:12:23,743 --> 00:12:25,578 (humming) Excuse me. 368 00:12:26,829 --> 00:12:27,788 (gulps, sighs) 369 00:12:27,872 --> 00:12:30,040 Whoa. That was a lot. 370 00:12:30,124 --> 00:12:31,542 At least the water's back. 371 00:12:31,542 --> 00:12:32,752 (Erwin chuckles) 372 00:12:32,752 --> 00:12:34,754 Your mother's been distracted as of late, 373 00:12:34,754 --> 00:12:36,756 so you might have to take care of her other chores. 374 00:12:36,756 --> 00:12:38,007 Oh. Was this in your ass? 375 00:12:38,007 --> 00:12:40,801 That list is more or less the recurring responsibilities 376 00:12:40,885 --> 00:12:42,636 with which I've seen her preoccupied. 377 00:12:42,720 --> 00:12:44,472 And why are you tracking my mom like that? 378 00:12:45,181 --> 00:12:47,391 For when I escape. 379 00:12:47,475 --> 00:12:50,394 (intense music) 380 00:12:50,478 --> 00:12:51,562 ♪ ♪ 381 00:12:51,562 --> 00:12:54,148 Ooh, sprinklers! (chuckling) 382 00:12:54,148 --> 00:12:57,151 Well, if she can do this day in and day out, so can I. 383 00:12:57,151 --> 00:13:00,196 (laughing) I'm being watered! 384 00:13:01,655 --> 00:13:03,324 Oh, Amanda, you have chosen 385 00:13:03,324 --> 00:13:05,576 the exact perfect grouping of vegetables. 386 00:13:05,576 --> 00:13:07,912 - I know. - Holy dick! Look! 387 00:13:07,912 --> 00:13:08,954 (all gasp) 388 00:13:09,038 --> 00:13:11,415 Laura, this is beyond. 389 00:13:11,499 --> 00:13:13,042 When did you ever find the time? 390 00:13:13,042 --> 00:13:14,251 We're moms. 391 00:13:14,335 --> 00:13:16,837 When do we find time for anything? 392 00:13:16,921 --> 00:13:17,880 - Am I right? -(all agreeing) 393 00:13:17,880 --> 00:13:19,507 JENNY: Yas, queen. Yas. 394 00:13:19,507 --> 00:13:20,883 GINGER: I don't keep clocks in my house. 395 00:13:20,883 --> 00:13:23,093 Come on, us moms are passing out condoms 396 00:13:23,177 --> 00:13:25,221 at the make-out point, or as the kids call it, 397 00:13:25,221 --> 00:13:26,555 Penelope Michael's house. 398 00:13:26,639 --> 00:13:28,224 Okay. I'll be right behind you. 399 00:13:28,224 --> 00:13:29,600 Just gotta clean up. 400 00:13:29,600 --> 00:13:31,560 JENNY: What is retrograde? 401 00:13:32,061 --> 00:13:34,647 (leeches squelching) 402 00:13:35,689 --> 00:13:37,483 ERWIN: Trimming the garden is essential. 403 00:13:37,483 --> 00:13:39,235 (yelps) You dick. 404 00:13:39,235 --> 00:13:41,445 ERWIN: Use hedge shears to trim plants. 405 00:13:41,529 --> 00:13:42,863 (yelling) 406 00:13:42,947 --> 00:13:44,740 ERWIN: Also use hedge shears to stay alive. 407 00:13:44,824 --> 00:13:46,075 (warbles) 408 00:13:46,075 --> 00:13:47,451 (Chrissy yelling) 409 00:13:47,535 --> 00:13:49,036 ERWIN: Once you've gripped the Raiju, 410 00:13:49,036 --> 00:13:51,539 you must act fast-- they eat flesh. 411 00:13:51,539 --> 00:13:53,582 Grab the current clamps and place them on each nipple, 412 00:13:53,666 --> 00:13:54,834 and voilà. 413 00:13:54,834 --> 00:13:56,168 Electricity. 414 00:13:56,252 --> 00:13:58,420 (current buzzing) 415 00:14:00,840 --> 00:14:02,007 -(cheering) -(music thumping) 416 00:14:02,091 --> 00:14:03,759 FRAT BRO: Who wants to see my dick? 417 00:14:03,843 --> 00:14:06,387 All right, boys, highest body count wins starting... 418 00:14:06,387 --> 00:14:07,763 FRAT BRO 2: We're gonna be alive forever! 419 00:14:07,847 --> 00:14:10,057 - Now! -(screams) 420 00:14:10,057 --> 00:14:12,768 (all screaming) 421 00:14:12,852 --> 00:14:14,144 I'd like to pledge... 422 00:14:14,228 --> 00:14:15,980 to kill every last one of you. 423 00:14:15,980 --> 00:14:18,023 Oh, shit, let's make 'em chug their own blood. 424 00:14:18,107 --> 00:14:19,441 Come on, Saty, do that 425 00:14:19,525 --> 00:14:21,360 organ reorganizing trick you used to do. 426 00:14:21,360 --> 00:14:22,653 Give 'em butthole mouths. 427 00:14:22,653 --> 00:14:24,029 Oh, right, right, right, right. 428 00:14:24,113 --> 00:14:25,739 One ass mouth coming up. 429 00:14:25,823 --> 00:14:27,616 MABEL: Run, boys, run. 430 00:14:27,700 --> 00:14:29,201 (dramatic music) 431 00:14:29,285 --> 00:14:31,745 Oh, no, you don't. 432 00:14:31,829 --> 00:14:34,164 All right, here we go. Here we go. 433 00:14:34,248 --> 00:14:35,332 Come on. Come on. Do it. 434 00:14:35,416 --> 00:14:36,375 Do it. Do it. Do it. 435 00:14:36,375 --> 00:14:38,252 Poke it. Just poke through it. 436 00:14:38,252 --> 00:14:40,838 Poke through it. Just poke it, motherfucker. 437 00:14:40,838 --> 00:14:42,172 (groaning) 438 00:14:42,256 --> 00:14:44,049 -(glass shatters) - I can't do it. 439 00:14:44,133 --> 00:14:45,718 I can't even kill some soon-to-be 440 00:14:45,718 --> 00:14:47,469 LinkedIn thirst trap. 441 00:14:47,553 --> 00:14:50,055 - MABEL: Chug, chug, chug, chug. - Chug! Drink that shit! 442 00:14:50,139 --> 00:14:51,140 - Whoo! - MABEL: Deep throat. 443 00:14:51,140 --> 00:14:52,808 Deep throat. Deep throat. 444 00:14:52,892 --> 00:14:53,893 Fucknabbit. 445 00:14:53,893 --> 00:14:56,228 Yo, is this a prank, bro? 446 00:14:57,104 --> 00:14:58,063 Again? 447 00:14:58,147 --> 00:14:59,565 Didn't I tell you to shut the fuck up? 448 00:14:59,565 --> 00:15:01,650 You get twisties, freeze like Simone Biles. 449 00:15:01,734 --> 00:15:03,777 Look, the devil doesn't get twisties. 450 00:15:03,861 --> 00:15:06,530 He twisties the necks of worthless flesh bags 451 00:15:06,614 --> 00:15:08,741 with his cool, sociopathic friends. 452 00:15:08,741 --> 00:15:11,952 You older now, have fleshbag child. 453 00:15:12,036 --> 00:15:14,622 Oh, we got Snakey Fucking Freud over here. 454 00:15:14,622 --> 00:15:15,789 A child could diagnose this. 455 00:15:15,873 --> 00:15:17,791 Oh, I should get massively loaded. 456 00:15:17,875 --> 00:15:19,543 - That'll help. -(laughter) 457 00:15:19,627 --> 00:15:20,961 - Whoo! - I set a new record, dog. 458 00:15:21,045 --> 00:15:22,296 Where were you? 459 00:15:22,296 --> 00:15:24,089 Uh, I wa--I was doing normal shit. 460 00:15:24,173 --> 00:15:26,008 Murder, et cetera, et cetera. 461 00:15:26,634 --> 00:15:28,761 Murder et cetera? 462 00:15:28,761 --> 00:15:30,137 - My man! - Hey, 463 00:15:30,137 --> 00:15:31,472 there's an orphanage up the block. 464 00:15:31,472 --> 00:15:32,806 - BOGEY: Yeah! - Whoo-hoo! 465 00:15:32,890 --> 00:15:34,058 - BAKA: Yeah! - BOGEY: Let's fucking rip 466 00:15:34,058 --> 00:15:35,100 - some kids' hearts out. - MABEL: Slice 'em up! 467 00:15:35,184 --> 00:15:36,268 Here we go! 468 00:15:36,352 --> 00:15:38,145 I love a white wine I can see through. 469 00:15:38,145 --> 00:15:39,188 Cheers to us. 470 00:15:39,188 --> 00:15:41,023 Yes, to us. 471 00:15:41,023 --> 00:15:42,358 AMANDA: Cheers, ladies. 472 00:15:42,358 --> 00:15:44,151 Next week, we should really organize 473 00:15:44,151 --> 00:15:47,029 a protest for organic lunches at the school. 474 00:15:47,029 --> 00:15:49,239 Ooh! A can drive for can-do attitudes. 475 00:15:49,323 --> 00:15:51,033 - Yes. - Ladies, ladies, 476 00:15:51,033 --> 00:15:52,660 I polled the kids around school, 477 00:15:52,660 --> 00:15:54,203 and they said what they'd want most 478 00:15:54,203 --> 00:15:55,829 is to go to school without fear. 479 00:15:55,913 --> 00:15:58,290 So I made them adrenal gland calming stickers. 480 00:15:58,374 --> 00:15:59,416 JENNY: Laura's a goddamn genius. 481 00:15:59,500 --> 00:16:00,459 RUBY: What did we do before you? 482 00:16:00,459 --> 00:16:01,502 GINGER: I just came. 483 00:16:04,588 --> 00:16:06,173 (flies buzzing) 484 00:16:06,173 --> 00:16:09,510 (Chrissy retching) 485 00:16:11,971 --> 00:16:12,930 (sighs) 486 00:16:12,930 --> 00:16:14,640 - KID 1: Yeah! - KID 2: Whoo! 487 00:16:14,640 --> 00:16:16,141 -(bells dinging) -(laughter) 488 00:16:16,225 --> 00:16:19,186 Enjoy it! Youth doesn't last forever! 489 00:16:20,104 --> 00:16:21,438 She must be going through a lot of stuff. 490 00:16:21,522 --> 00:16:24,525 (quirky music) 491 00:16:24,525 --> 00:16:25,693 ♪ ♪ 492 00:16:25,693 --> 00:16:28,404 -(screams) - Kill Antichrist. 493 00:16:28,404 --> 00:16:29,947 Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! 494 00:16:29,947 --> 00:16:31,532 Whoa! 495 00:16:32,282 --> 00:16:33,951 Huh. Checkmate. 496 00:16:33,951 --> 00:16:35,661 CHRISSY: Fucking get-- 497 00:16:35,661 --> 00:16:37,663 Ah, monster of the week. 498 00:16:37,663 --> 00:16:38,747 Check. 499 00:16:38,831 --> 00:16:40,374 -(screaming) -(monster growling) 500 00:16:40,374 --> 00:16:43,544 (shouting unintelligibly) 501 00:16:43,544 --> 00:16:45,295 (shrieking) 502 00:16:45,379 --> 00:16:47,047 Mom! Mom, help! 503 00:16:47,131 --> 00:16:49,341 Aw, my little Chrissy Wissy Poo's 504 00:16:49,425 --> 00:16:51,093 fighting her own monster. 505 00:16:51,093 --> 00:16:54,221 I wish I could help, but I have to prepare for the potluck. 506 00:16:54,221 --> 00:16:55,764 Tear out his heart, honey. 507 00:16:55,848 --> 00:16:57,349 Kill him and whatnot. 508 00:16:57,433 --> 00:16:58,726 (monster snarls) 509 00:16:58,726 --> 00:17:01,812 (yelling) 510 00:17:05,357 --> 00:17:09,361 (gasping) 511 00:17:09,445 --> 00:17:11,989 Mom, what the fuck is going on, and where are you? 512 00:17:11,989 --> 00:17:13,782 I could have died a million times today. 513 00:17:13,866 --> 00:17:15,117 I should be out playing. 514 00:17:15,117 --> 00:17:17,745 I'm 13, and I had to feed toenails to a goblin 515 00:17:17,745 --> 00:17:19,496 to get the gas back-- (gasps) 516 00:17:19,580 --> 00:17:21,415 -(screams) -(leeches squelching) 517 00:17:21,415 --> 00:17:23,667 What is happening? 518 00:17:23,751 --> 00:17:24,793 Oops. 519 00:17:24,877 --> 00:17:26,253 Should have locked the door, sweetie. 520 00:17:26,253 --> 00:17:28,338 - It's ocupado. - CHRISSY: What the hell is-- 521 00:17:28,422 --> 00:17:29,715 (laughter) 522 00:17:29,715 --> 00:17:31,091 (indistinct chatter) 523 00:17:31,175 --> 00:17:32,259 You go, girl. 524 00:17:32,259 --> 00:17:33,802 (Laura screams) 525 00:17:33,886 --> 00:17:35,095 GUY 1: What's happening? Are they gonna kill us? 526 00:17:35,179 --> 00:17:36,764 GIRL 1: Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. 527 00:17:36,764 --> 00:17:38,724 You gonna just stand there and watch? 528 00:17:38,724 --> 00:17:40,476 Your whole bit is that you got arms. 529 00:17:40,476 --> 00:17:41,518 Fucking help me. 530 00:17:41,602 --> 00:17:44,730 You need help, here. Not here. 531 00:17:45,731 --> 00:17:48,358 (indistinct chatter) 532 00:17:48,442 --> 00:17:50,694 - BAKA: What's the haps, Satan? - SATAN: Huh? Oh. 533 00:17:50,778 --> 00:17:52,821 Holy fuck. Sweet air. Sweet air. 534 00:17:52,905 --> 00:17:55,616 Hey, that's the nun you said you were about to disembowel. 535 00:17:55,616 --> 00:17:57,826 Uh, yeah. Yeah, I wa--I was, uh-- 536 00:17:57,910 --> 00:17:59,286 And that's the teen from before. 537 00:17:59,286 --> 00:18:00,746 - TEEN: Hi. - You didn't bury her alive. 538 00:18:00,746 --> 00:18:02,956 Did you save her life? 539 00:18:03,749 --> 00:18:05,167 Ah, fuck it. I don't care anymore. 540 00:18:05,167 --> 00:18:07,586 - Yeah, I didn't kill her. - Ha! I knew it. 541 00:18:07,586 --> 00:18:10,214 The rumors about the Realm of Realms were true. 542 00:18:10,214 --> 00:18:14,676 Satan's turned into a soft, little baby. 543 00:18:14,760 --> 00:18:16,553 -(fake crying) - I'm not soft. 544 00:18:16,637 --> 00:18:18,347 I don't enjoy this shit anymore. 545 00:18:18,347 --> 00:18:20,182 Destroying realms is epic. 546 00:18:20,182 --> 00:18:22,017 These murder games are just dumb. 547 00:18:22,101 --> 00:18:23,102 And so are all of you. 548 00:18:23,102 --> 00:18:24,603 I figured that out all by myself. 549 00:18:24,603 --> 00:18:25,646 Are you shit me? 550 00:18:25,646 --> 00:18:27,064 You really called it, Baka. 551 00:18:27,064 --> 00:18:29,108 Satan is a huge wussy, flabby pussy. 552 00:18:29,108 --> 00:18:31,944 If you guys knew I was lame, why did you invite me out? 553 00:18:31,944 --> 00:18:34,530 Because, dumbass, you're our meal ticket. 554 00:18:34,530 --> 00:18:35,906 You thought we'd been hanging out with you 555 00:18:35,906 --> 00:18:37,741 all these centuries because we like you? 556 00:18:37,825 --> 00:18:38,826 Hell no! 557 00:18:38,826 --> 00:18:40,994 But if our meal ticket is expired... 558 00:18:41,078 --> 00:18:42,121 Then it looks like we're gonna 559 00:18:42,121 --> 00:18:44,832 have to find another way to eat. 560 00:18:44,832 --> 00:18:46,375 (roars) 561 00:18:46,375 --> 00:18:47,668 Agh! 562 00:18:47,668 --> 00:18:49,586 -(hisses) - Aah! 563 00:18:49,670 --> 00:18:50,796 Oh, fuck. 564 00:18:50,796 --> 00:18:53,882 To perish by the very means I live by. 565 00:18:53,966 --> 00:18:55,467 Oh, the irony! 566 00:18:55,551 --> 00:18:57,302 A true ouroboros. 567 00:18:57,386 --> 00:18:58,846 (muffled) No! 568 00:18:58,846 --> 00:19:00,430 (dramatic music) 569 00:19:00,514 --> 00:19:02,599 (screeches) 570 00:19:02,683 --> 00:19:04,059 (yells) 571 00:19:04,143 --> 00:19:06,311 - How's that for soft, bitches? - BAKA: Oh, it burns. 572 00:19:06,395 --> 00:19:07,855 Let's get the fuck out of here. 573 00:19:07,855 --> 00:19:09,064 You drive? 574 00:19:09,148 --> 00:19:10,107 Me drive? How come? 575 00:19:10,107 --> 00:19:11,233 BAKA: I'm being digested... 576 00:19:11,233 --> 00:19:12,693 -(whimpers) - Oh, right. 577 00:19:12,693 --> 00:19:14,403 - Right, right. - BAKA: By a fucking snake! 578 00:19:14,403 --> 00:19:15,654 Oh, that smells delicious. 579 00:19:15,654 --> 00:19:16,780 Guys, you need to go. 580 00:19:16,864 --> 00:19:18,240 My mom is--something is wrong. 581 00:19:18,240 --> 00:19:19,783 What exactly do you think is wrong with her? 582 00:19:19,867 --> 00:19:21,076 And do you mind if I record this? 583 00:19:21,160 --> 00:19:22,619 Let's get her canceled. I mean help. 584 00:19:22,703 --> 00:19:24,204 I don't care about the stupid potluck, 585 00:19:24,288 --> 00:19:26,665 and my mom shouldn't either, and that's why I'm-- 586 00:19:26,665 --> 00:19:27,791 LAURA: Hello, ladies. 587 00:19:27,875 --> 00:19:29,334 (eerie music) 588 00:19:29,418 --> 00:19:30,460 (all gasp) 589 00:19:30,544 --> 00:19:31,712 - JENNY: Oh, my God. - Jesus Christ. 590 00:19:31,712 --> 00:19:33,964 This is the grossest shit I've ever seen. 591 00:19:33,964 --> 00:19:36,300 All of you look gorge, per usual. 592 00:19:36,300 --> 00:19:37,551 What are those things? 593 00:19:37,551 --> 00:19:39,094 Why are they all over you? 594 00:19:39,178 --> 00:19:40,888 These are my anger leeches. 595 00:19:40,888 --> 00:19:42,389 We are all one. We love anger. 596 00:19:42,389 --> 00:19:44,183 Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, anger. 597 00:19:44,183 --> 00:19:46,059 Mom, you have to take them off of you. 598 00:19:46,143 --> 00:19:47,644 But we are here for you, child. 599 00:19:47,728 --> 00:19:50,230 Your mother has given us the gift of her anger. 600 00:19:50,314 --> 00:19:52,691 In turn, we have given her the gift of freedom 601 00:19:52,691 --> 00:19:53,817 from her pain, her body. 602 00:19:53,901 --> 00:19:55,652 - MOMS: Aww. - Not aww! 603 00:19:55,736 --> 00:19:57,237 This shit stops right now. 604 00:19:59,198 --> 00:20:00,157 - What the-- - AMANDA: Ha! 605 00:20:00,157 --> 00:20:02,576 This is how you've been one-upping me, huh? 606 00:20:02,576 --> 00:20:04,286 You see this, ladies? 607 00:20:04,286 --> 00:20:05,579 She's a cheater. 608 00:20:05,579 --> 00:20:07,164 You cannot hurt us, child, 609 00:20:07,164 --> 00:20:09,124 unless you wish to hurt your mommy. 610 00:20:09,208 --> 00:20:11,293 Do you really want to hurt her more than you already have? 611 00:20:11,293 --> 00:20:12,836 Chrissy, your mom loves you. 612 00:20:12,920 --> 00:20:15,297 Everything she does is for you, including cheating. 613 00:20:15,297 --> 00:20:17,299 - Fuck you, Amanda. -(all gasp) 614 00:20:17,299 --> 00:20:19,092 Please, snap out of it and be a bitch again. 615 00:20:19,176 --> 00:20:21,345 You are so much better than all of these shitty moms. 616 00:20:21,345 --> 00:20:23,180 If by better, you mean she has 617 00:20:23,180 --> 00:20:25,807 a mind-altering substance abuse issue, 618 00:20:25,891 --> 00:20:27,851 then sure, she's better. 619 00:20:27,935 --> 00:20:30,520 You know what? Fuck you! Fuck your mom! 620 00:20:30,812 --> 00:20:32,898 You have no idea how I have to take it up the tailpipe 621 00:20:32,898 --> 00:20:34,316 day in and day out. 622 00:20:34,316 --> 00:20:36,193 I do everything for every one of my goddamn family! 623 00:20:36,193 --> 00:20:38,237 Your mom isn't better than us. 624 00:20:38,237 --> 00:20:40,489 She's got it easy, and I'd fucking kill 625 00:20:40,489 --> 00:20:42,074 to be in her shoes right now. 626 00:20:42,074 --> 00:20:46,078 (leeches squelching) 627 00:20:46,078 --> 00:20:48,455 Well, I heard your husband's thinking about leaving you, 628 00:20:48,455 --> 00:20:50,582 so you might get your wish soon enough, 629 00:20:50,666 --> 00:20:52,125 at least that's what Jenny said. 630 00:20:52,209 --> 00:20:53,460 You shitting me? 631 00:20:53,460 --> 00:20:55,879 After I bought you that rose jade quartz roller? 632 00:20:55,963 --> 00:20:58,131 - I didn't ask for it. - You fucking needed it! 633 00:20:58,548 --> 00:21:00,175 You make your son eat out of the palm of your hand 634 00:21:00,259 --> 00:21:01,927 because he's the only thing you can control. 635 00:21:01,927 --> 00:21:04,471 - Oh, fuck you, Jenny! - Oh, fuck you, Amanda! 636 00:21:04,471 --> 00:21:06,848 (both grunting) 637 00:21:06,932 --> 00:21:09,184 (leeches squelching) 638 00:21:09,268 --> 00:21:11,270 (sighs) 639 00:21:11,270 --> 00:21:13,522 Chrissy, why are these cunts in my house? 640 00:21:13,522 --> 00:21:15,148 Oh, shit. You're coming back. 641 00:21:15,232 --> 00:21:16,316 What else pisses you off? 642 00:21:16,400 --> 00:21:17,693 Let's hear it! 643 00:21:17,693 --> 00:21:19,319 My life is not my own! 644 00:21:19,403 --> 00:21:21,571 Someone slap me so I can feel something! 645 00:21:21,655 --> 00:21:23,323 (leeches squelching) 646 00:21:23,407 --> 00:21:25,617 ♪ ♪ 647 00:21:25,701 --> 00:21:27,494 I'm tired of having to hide my anger 648 00:21:27,494 --> 00:21:29,037 because it puts people off! 649 00:21:29,121 --> 00:21:31,581 Just because you breastfed your kid until he was four 650 00:21:31,665 --> 00:21:33,166 doesn't make you a better mother than me! 651 00:21:33,250 --> 00:21:36,378 I haven't slept more than four hours in years! 652 00:21:36,378 --> 00:21:38,046 I don't even have a kid. 653 00:21:38,130 --> 00:21:39,715 I just love groups! 654 00:21:39,715 --> 00:21:41,049 I killed the family cat. 655 00:21:41,133 --> 00:21:43,260 I look at myself in the mirror, and I punch it! 656 00:21:43,260 --> 00:21:45,429 RUBY: A pumpkin is the most basic, lazy, 657 00:21:45,429 --> 00:21:46,596 Halloween costume for a baby. 658 00:21:46,680 --> 00:21:48,223 GINGER: I want to break shit! 659 00:21:49,516 --> 00:21:50,726 Mom, help. 660 00:21:50,726 --> 00:21:51,768 There's too many. 661 00:21:51,852 --> 00:21:52,936 Chrissy? 662 00:21:53,020 --> 00:21:54,229 I feel hungry... 663 00:21:54,313 --> 00:21:55,689 for kicking some ass. 664 00:21:55,689 --> 00:21:57,649 Thank God, cause this shit really sucks. 665 00:21:57,733 --> 00:21:59,359 Get it? Ha! Not the time. 666 00:21:59,443 --> 00:22:01,361 (leeches screeching) 667 00:22:01,445 --> 00:22:03,322 I'm sorry about all of this, Chrissy. 668 00:22:03,322 --> 00:22:04,990 I bet you wish I was still nice. 669 00:22:04,990 --> 00:22:06,742 Fuck nice. I'd take the psycho 670 00:22:06,742 --> 00:22:08,910 real version of you over the nice one any day. 671 00:22:08,994 --> 00:22:10,203 I need you. 672 00:22:11,288 --> 00:22:12,956 (leeches chittering) 673 00:22:13,040 --> 00:22:15,834 (chanting) 674 00:22:15,834 --> 00:22:17,377 Die, mothersuckers! 675 00:22:18,337 --> 00:22:20,172 (glass shatters) 676 00:22:21,423 --> 00:22:22,716 (all sigh) 677 00:22:22,716 --> 00:22:24,509 Oh, that was really something. 678 00:22:24,593 --> 00:22:26,887 Okay, everyone, please get the fuck out of my house. 679 00:22:26,887 --> 00:22:28,013 At least you said please. 680 00:22:32,351 --> 00:22:33,894 (sighs) Can I ask you something? 681 00:22:33,894 --> 00:22:35,562 (speaks language) 682 00:22:35,562 --> 00:22:37,356 We spent all night beating up on you, 683 00:22:37,356 --> 00:22:40,067 giving you noogies, pissing in your hat, 684 00:22:40,067 --> 00:22:41,276 and you still saved me. 685 00:22:42,194 --> 00:22:43,320 How come? 686 00:22:46,198 --> 00:22:47,366 Shit. 687 00:22:47,991 --> 00:22:49,201 I friend. 688 00:22:54,831 --> 00:22:56,583 Are you quoting Paula? 689 00:22:56,583 --> 00:22:58,210 You tacky son of a bitch. 690 00:22:58,210 --> 00:23:00,587 You're ribbing me, you cheesy fuck. 691 00:23:00,587 --> 00:23:01,880 (both laugh) 692 00:23:01,880 --> 00:23:04,174 (Baka groaning) 693 00:23:04,174 --> 00:23:05,550 Your mind's in the gutter. 694 00:23:05,634 --> 00:23:07,219 Where it should be, if you're a snake. 695 00:23:07,219 --> 00:23:08,595 -(both laugh) -(Baka groaning) 696 00:23:08,595 --> 00:23:10,722 PAULA: ♪ I take two steps forward ♪ 697 00:23:10,806 --> 00:23:13,433 BRUCE: ♪ I take two steps back ♪ 698 00:23:13,517 --> 00:23:16,603 BOTH: ♪ We come together 'cause opposites attract ♪ 699 00:23:16,603 --> 00:23:18,855 ♪ And you know it ain't fiction ♪ 700 00:23:18,939 --> 00:23:21,566 BRUCE: ♪ Just a natural fact ♪ 701 00:23:21,650 --> 00:23:25,987 BOTH: ♪ We come together 'cause opposites attract ♪ 702 00:23:26,071 --> 00:23:27,531 PAULA: ♪ Who'd-a thought ♪ 703 00:23:27,531 --> 00:23:29,574 BRUCE: ♪ We could be lovers? ♪ 704 00:23:29,658 --> 00:23:31,326 ♪ She makes the bed ♪ 705 00:23:31,410 --> 00:23:34,037 PAULA: ♪ And he steals the covers ♪ 706 00:23:37,124 --> 00:23:39,793 Captioned by Captionmax