1
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有人嗎?

2
00:00:15,473 --> 00:00:16,391
{\an8}歐文

3
00:00:19,769 --> 00:00:23,148
天,聽著,我能看到你,趕緊滾出來

4
00:00:23,481 --> 00:00:25,233
我接孩子放學已經遲到了

5
00:00:25,358 --> 00:00:26,359
別給我磨蹭

6
00:00:26,484 --> 00:00:28,194
帶我去見敵基督

7
00:00:28,528 --> 00:00:30,697
親愛的,我自己還得去見敵基督呢

8
00:00:30,905 --> 00:00:33,491
你有何貴幹,要喝她的血獲得永生

9
00:00:33,783 --> 00:00:36,369
把她當作統治你那破王國的法器
還是想怎樣?

10
00:00:36,703 --> 00:00:39,748
燒掉她的皮,吃掉她的骨頭
獲得至高力量

11
00:00:40,165 --> 00:00:41,249
行吧

12
00:00:43,710 --> 00:00:46,755
卑微的凡人,妳會死在我手裡

13
00:00:47,047 --> 00:00:49,966
敵基督的軀體終將屬於我!

14
00:00:59,350 --> 00:01:02,771
媽的,我忘了這張優惠券

15
00:01:03,563 --> 00:01:06,441
惡魔女孩

16
00:01:11,988 --> 00:01:13,615
要接克莉絲,蘿拉,妳真該死

17
00:01:13,782 --> 00:01:18,036
{\an8}-親愛的媽媽,妳還活著,太好了
-妳回來了,我正要去接妳

18
00:01:18,328 --> 00:01:19,913
{\an8}我終於把菜買回來了,妳餓嗎?

19
00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:21,206
{\an8}不餓,我跟艾曼達吃過了

20
00:01:21,456 --> 00:01:23,583
{\an8}她用一種叫原種番茄的東西做了沙拉

21
00:01:23,792 --> 00:01:25,251
艾曼達到底是誰啊?

22
00:01:25,335 --> 00:01:28,213
{\an8}她是開車送我回家的酷炫老媽
因為我的親生母親

23
00:01:28,213 --> 00:01:31,132
{\an8}-再一次不見蹤影
-這個艾曼達可真他媽好心啊

24
00:01:31,341 --> 00:01:32,717
{\an8}當然了,她能通過氣場的顏色

25
00:01:32,842 --> 00:01:35,720
{\an8}判斷出你缺少什麼營養元素
她就像個貨真價實的女巫

26
00:01:35,887 --> 00:01:38,681
{\an8}-我才是貨真價實的女巫
-隨便了,我趕時間

27
00:01:38,807 --> 00:01:40,308
{\an8}-去幹什麼?
-返校之夜

28
00:01:40,725 --> 00:01:42,602
那不是要家長參加的嗎?
妳為什麼不提醒我?

29
00:01:42,769 --> 00:01:44,604
{\an8}怎麼,我還要負責提醒妳

30
00:01:44,604 --> 00:01:46,815
{\an8}任何稍微用點心的家長
都知道的事嗎?

31
00:01:46,815 --> 00:01:49,234
{\an8}-我是不是還要幫妳報稅?
-行了,老天爺

32
00:01:49,442 --> 00:01:51,152
{\an8}幫妳申請貸款?反正妳討厭那種事

33
00:01:51,277 --> 00:01:53,196
{\an8}一群家長裝模做樣地誇孩子們的畫作

34
00:01:53,196 --> 00:01:54,864
{\an8}是啊,我寧願拿把刀捅自己屁眼

35
00:01:54,989 --> 00:01:57,408
那妳就別去了
反正艾曼達說她會替妳帶我去

36
00:01:59,077 --> 00:02:00,411
她是這麼說的嗎?

37
00:02:01,621 --> 00:02:04,332
-妳猜怎麼著?我要去
-因為妳覺得艾曼達威脅到了妳?

38
00:02:04,332 --> 00:02:07,085
不是,因為我是妳媽
我應該去現場支持妳

39
00:02:10,672 --> 00:02:13,633
行吧,答應我妳別大吵大鬧就行
要保持冷靜,好嗎?

40
00:02:13,633 --> 00:02:18,138
怎麼,妳看我多冷靜啊
我滿臉都寫著冷靜

41
00:02:18,346 --> 00:02:19,764
妳頭髮裡有碎牛肉

42
00:02:22,016 --> 00:02:23,810
{\an8}(歡迎各位家長)

43
00:02:23,810 --> 00:02:25,311
{\an8}(歡迎各位同學)

44
00:02:26,020 --> 00:02:29,566
{\an8}妳好呀,小姐,我是地鼠小碎嘴
歡迎光臨返校...

45
00:02:29,732 --> 00:02:31,484
{\an8}聽好了,你再敢碰我一下

46
00:02:31,651 --> 00:02:34,028
{\an8}我就把你變成
真實犯罪紀錄片的主角,懂了嗎?

47
00:02:34,154 --> 00:02:36,406
{\an8}-媽
-好吧,手勁真大啊

48
00:02:36,573 --> 00:02:38,074
妳今天會害得我一晚上老十歲

49
00:02:38,199 --> 00:02:39,534
我從骨子裡都能感覺到

50
00:02:39,659 --> 00:02:41,828
{\an8}親愛的,妳看
那位女士像餵雛鳥一樣喂孩子

51
00:02:42,036 --> 00:02:44,080
{\an8}那就是艾曼達,這叫自然餵食法

52
00:02:44,622 --> 00:02:46,332
{\an8}要不是妳只看《頂級獵鹿人》

53
00:02:46,541 --> 00:02:47,917
{\an8}妳也許會聽說過這個

54
00:02:48,042 --> 00:02:50,170
{\an8}我真想見識一下這位會笑的頭巾大姐

55
00:02:50,378 --> 00:02:52,839
{\an8}妳好啊,克莉絲寶貝
妳一定是蘿拉吧

56
00:02:53,006 --> 00:02:56,259
{\an8}老天爺啊,確實是我
妳好,妳一定是艾曼達

57
00:02:56,259 --> 00:02:57,260
{\an8}沒錯

58
00:02:57,427 --> 00:03:00,930
{\an8}克莉絲寶貝一直說起妳
就好像她腦子出了毛病一樣

59
00:03:03,892 --> 00:03:05,476
{\an8}-她最棒了
-可不是嘛

60
00:03:05,602 --> 00:03:06,853
{\an8}她的所有老師也都這麼想

61
00:03:07,103 --> 00:03:10,231
{\an8}這樣啊,妳跟我女兒的老師聊起過她

62
00:03:10,356 --> 00:03:11,399
真有心

63
00:03:11,399 --> 00:03:13,693
身為家長會的會長,我一定會

64
00:03:13,693 --> 00:03:17,280
跟所有老師和學生溝通
我能說什麼呢,我樂於助人

65
00:03:17,488 --> 00:03:19,282
真不錯啊,妳有大把時間幫助他人

66
00:03:19,449 --> 00:03:22,660
-而我必須全職上班...
-親愛的,我們都要上班

67
00:03:22,827 --> 00:03:26,206
不過身為母親,我們真正的工作
就是好好照顧孩子,對吧?

68
00:03:26,706 --> 00:03:29,083
妳也應該抽空參加家長會的聚會

69
00:03:29,292 --> 00:03:31,085
我們給妳發過很多次邀請函

70
00:03:31,252 --> 00:03:33,713
等我保護好我女兒
不受威脅她和全人類生存的

71
00:03:33,880 --> 00:03:36,424
黑暗力量侵害,我就會去參加聚會

72
00:03:36,591 --> 00:03:39,469
姐妹,妳覺得自己做得不錯
這心態挺好的

73
00:03:39,469 --> 00:03:42,513
可是克莉絲
我覺得我必須替她說句公道話

74
00:03:42,764 --> 00:03:43,973
她想過的是正常的生活

75
00:03:44,599 --> 00:03:45,683
媽,別發火

76
00:03:45,892 --> 00:03:49,145
妳看她畫的畫,明顯就是在大聲呼救

77
00:03:51,606 --> 00:03:53,149
妳考慮過讓克莉絲接受治療嗎?

78
00:03:53,316 --> 00:03:55,318
去死吧,你們全都去死吧

79
00:03:55,443 --> 00:03:58,071
我才不會聽一群
閒得沒事幹的花瓶媽媽

80
00:03:58,279 --> 00:04:00,615
教訓我說我女兒需要治療
就因為她畫畫太難看

81
00:04:00,949 --> 00:04:04,285
聽好了,這群孩子都是廢物
全都畫得稀巴爛!

82
00:04:05,828 --> 00:04:07,247
女士,妳要不要出去冷靜...

83
00:04:07,497 --> 00:04:09,290
-不
-別打小碎嘴啊

84
00:04:09,540 --> 00:04:11,668
-妳情緒不穩
-我他媽才不管

85
00:04:11,793 --> 00:04:14,379
妳跟這群媽媽想些什麼鬼
舔我的襠去吧

86
00:04:14,921 --> 00:04:15,880
居然說髒話

87
00:04:18,174 --> 00:04:20,426
讓男士愉悅的內層螺紋避孕套

88
00:04:20,551 --> 00:04:22,762
{\an8}-有
-味道像落水狗的古龍水

89
00:04:22,762 --> 00:04:23,888
{\an8}有

90
00:04:24,097 --> 00:04:27,392
充滿汁水,能讓喜劇演員喬羅根
當場射一褲襠的屍體

91
00:04:28,059 --> 00:04:29,143
{\an8}有

92
00:04:29,269 --> 00:04:32,230
{\an8}看來我已經準備好
參加巴卡的又一場單身派對了

93
00:04:32,397 --> 00:04:34,857
我們會到處獵殺愚蠢的人類
就是為了好玩

94
00:04:35,984 --> 00:04:39,070
別這麼看著我
每週都是:「爸爸這樣,爸爸那樣」

95
00:04:39,195 --> 00:04:43,074
兄弟們就不能找點樂子嗎?
巴卡超猛的,這是他第十次結婚

96
00:04:43,074 --> 00:04:45,326
{\an8}巴卡只關心他自己

97
00:04:45,410 --> 00:04:47,120
{\an8}他把每一任老婆都吃掉了

98
00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:49,789
{\an8}這群人是我真正的朋友
我們都有好幾百年沒見了

99
00:04:49,914 --> 00:04:52,250
別拿你那些蛇言蛇語搞得我丟人現眼

100
00:04:53,918 --> 00:04:56,087
-哥們
-巴卡

101
00:04:56,296 --> 00:04:59,716
巴卡,太讚了,你今天真是帥到家了

102
00:04:59,841 --> 00:05:00,967
天啊,我想死你了

103
00:05:01,092 --> 00:05:03,094
馬貝爾,妳整容了嗎?

104
00:05:03,219 --> 00:05:05,638
我把一個超模的臉皮剝了下來
現在成了我的面具

105
00:05:05,805 --> 00:05:10,601
-還有波吉,你還是...
-從來不吃藥,隨時準備鬧

106
00:05:10,727 --> 00:05:13,938
你在哪買的這人模人樣的西裝
迷你雞雞男大賣場?

107
00:05:14,022 --> 00:05:16,232
是啊,我用了你的員工折扣

108
00:05:17,859 --> 00:05:19,193
-迷你雞雞
-情境喜劇段子

109
00:05:19,694 --> 00:05:23,239
你這老雜種混得也不錯啊
第十次一定會成功的,是吧?

110
00:05:23,323 --> 00:05:24,907
行了吧,你知道我遲早會吃了她

111
00:05:25,825 --> 00:05:27,577
-你當然會吃了她
-我要吃了我老婆

112
00:05:27,577 --> 00:05:28,745
把她嚼個粉碎

113
00:05:31,164 --> 00:05:32,373
你終於做到了

114
00:05:32,665 --> 00:05:34,959
你這個老混蛋終於生下了敵基督

115
00:05:35,168 --> 00:05:37,503
沒錯,我可是一發命中,寶貝們

116
00:05:37,670 --> 00:05:39,922
-我的精子超能幹
-你這次可別再心軟耍我們了

117
00:05:40,131 --> 00:05:43,176
當然不會了,蠢貨
要是心軟,我會這麼做嗎?

118
00:05:44,552 --> 00:05:48,639
我打了我自己的司機
是不是很詭異,我已經精神失常了

119
00:05:48,806 --> 00:05:51,392
很好,因為等到終極天劫開啟

120
00:05:51,559 --> 00:05:54,437
-你們懂我的意思吧?
-可以永遠做壞事了

121
00:05:54,562 --> 00:05:56,356
我媽的男朋友將會看到我不是個傻子

122
00:05:56,481 --> 00:06:00,026
-沒錯,重回巔峰,寶貝
-就像我昨晚騎在你媽身上那樣

123
00:06:00,735 --> 00:06:01,652
你這個壞小子

124
00:06:02,278 --> 00:06:06,699
天啊,讓我道歉?她說我是個壞家長

125
00:06:06,866 --> 00:06:07,909
妳有沒有想過她說得沒錯

126
00:06:08,159 --> 00:06:10,620
-妳他媽跟我開什麼玩笑?
-妳忘了接我放學

127
00:06:10,828 --> 00:06:13,247
妳第一次來參加學校活動
就揍了我們的吉祥物

128
00:06:13,456 --> 00:06:15,792
那個混蛋需要學學怎麼尊重個人邊界

129
00:06:15,917 --> 00:06:18,503
妳從來不考慮我的需求
只最在乎妳那神經質的自尊

130
00:06:18,836 --> 00:06:20,797
妳根本想像不到我為妳都做了些什麼

131
00:06:20,922 --> 00:06:22,924
艾曼達一天之內為孩子們做的事

132
00:06:23,132 --> 00:06:25,176
-比妳這輩子加起來的都多
-什麼

133
00:06:25,301 --> 00:06:26,803
如果妳總是在不恰當的場合發飆

134
00:06:27,261 --> 00:06:30,348
妳就永遠不會成為一個正常的媽媽

135
00:06:30,807 --> 00:06:34,185
-我說完了,我走了
-行啊,妳走吧,我要...

136
00:06:34,310 --> 00:06:37,563
我再也不會生氣了
我要向妳證明我能當一個

137
00:06:37,647 --> 00:06:40,400
比艾曼達或是其他混蛋更正常的媽媽

138
00:06:40,608 --> 00:06:43,653
妳開了個好頭,一個正常的媽媽
把一杯正常的威士忌

139
00:06:43,861 --> 00:06:45,780
扔到一面正常的牆上
因為她被請出學校...

140
00:06:45,780 --> 00:06:48,950
沒錯,那就是我,「正常太太」
正常到不能再正常

141
00:06:49,659 --> 00:06:52,620
達琳,這些是息怒水蛭
它們吸的不是血,而是怒火

142
00:06:53,121 --> 00:06:54,497
我要用那群媽媽的遊戲規則打敗她們

143
00:06:54,747 --> 00:06:56,249
讓克莉絲因為我才是她媽倍感驕傲

144
00:06:56,499 --> 00:06:58,459
我覺得跟那群媽媽搞「雌競」

145
00:06:58,543 --> 00:07:01,212
也許不是贏得女兒喜愛的好辦法
我一直認為傾聽才是...

146
00:07:01,462 --> 00:07:02,630
行了,閉嘴,跟我講個故事

147
00:07:02,839 --> 00:07:04,841
真的?天啊,我該從哪開始,好吧

148
00:07:04,966 --> 00:07:08,302
我在跟我朋友達琳聊天...
這故事很長,我參加了一個閃電約會

149
00:07:08,511 --> 00:07:11,013
我說:「等下,妳也叫達琳?」

150
00:07:11,097 --> 00:07:14,183
她說:「可不是嘛,小賤人」
記住這個,等下接著說...

151
00:07:14,559 --> 00:07:17,311
-趕緊他媽的說重點!
-對了,我的脊柱按摩師

152
00:07:17,437 --> 00:07:20,648
她叫成美達琳,用韓語說也是達琳

153
00:07:20,773 --> 00:07:22,650
所以我們三個達琳在酒吧裡排排坐

154
00:07:22,775 --> 00:07:24,360
這就是這個段子的開頭

155
00:07:25,278 --> 00:07:27,071
天啊,那東西確實管用

156
00:07:32,368 --> 00:07:36,289
話說回來,我發現我的脊柱按摩師
演過《舞棍俱樂部》前傳

157
00:07:36,289 --> 00:07:37,832
《魔力米開朗基羅》...

158
00:07:39,208 --> 00:07:40,334
微量用藥大有幫助

159
00:07:40,626 --> 00:07:42,086
我從他三歲起一直給他微量用藥

160
00:07:42,211 --> 00:07:44,505
我跟她說:「所以這叫專業處方藥
不叫新手傻瓜藥」

161
00:07:44,881 --> 00:07:47,717
大家好啊,這是...這是怎麼回事

162
00:07:48,092 --> 00:07:51,554
妳好啊,親愛的
我邀請艾曼達和其他媽媽到家裡來

163
00:07:51,762 --> 00:07:54,849
這樣我就能道歉了

164
00:07:55,558 --> 00:07:59,520
我昨晚的行為不可原諒

165
00:08:01,063 --> 00:08:03,441
妳媽媽告訴我們
妳向她表達了妳希望她能變得更好

166
00:08:03,566 --> 00:08:06,694
克莉絲,是妳的力量讓她知道她能行

167
00:08:06,903 --> 00:08:08,571
我的力量?她是這麼說的?

168
00:08:08,738 --> 00:08:11,407
我現在明白了在所有人之中

169
00:08:11,616 --> 00:08:14,118
我的行為對妳的影響是最大的

170
00:08:14,368 --> 00:08:16,245
我相信妳能做出自己的選擇

171
00:08:16,370 --> 00:08:18,915
我也希望妳能相信我會支持妳的選擇

172
00:08:19,874 --> 00:08:25,004
好啊,妳會支持我買那雙
潔西卡辛普森短靴的選擇嗎?

173
00:08:29,634 --> 00:08:34,222
給妳買鞋的錢,克莉絲

174
00:08:36,224 --> 00:08:39,852
我也想為家長會義務服務

175
00:08:39,977 --> 00:08:42,647
如果妳們還願意接受我的話

176
00:08:42,813 --> 00:08:45,900
-當然願意
-我就是為了這個來的,女士們

177
00:08:46,275 --> 00:08:49,028
魯比去戒斷治療之後
好久沒見過這麼驚人的個人成長了

178
00:08:49,820 --> 00:08:51,906
我以前經常吃沙發墊子

179
00:08:54,492 --> 00:08:56,953
她給她們倒桃紅葡萄酒
自願奉獻她的時間

180
00:08:56,953 --> 00:08:58,538
怕是出了什麼怪事

181
00:08:58,746 --> 00:09:01,791
那是肯定的,不過對我有好處

182
00:09:14,428 --> 00:09:15,513
有人嗎?

183
00:09:16,222 --> 00:09:17,348
哈樂德

184
00:09:17,890 --> 00:09:20,810
這麼晚了還在擦我們的血鑽嗎?

185
00:09:23,104 --> 00:09:25,064
{\an8}(你的肉好吃嗎?)

186
00:09:28,734 --> 00:09:32,863
-哦,疼得好爽啊
-這是什麼「吃掉富人」的把戲嗎?

187
00:09:33,489 --> 00:09:35,283
你是科爾特斯議員嗎?

188
00:09:37,410 --> 00:09:39,078
-把它吸乾,寶貝
-妳好呀

189
00:09:46,168 --> 00:09:47,295
看看這招

190
00:09:47,420 --> 00:09:52,383
「親愛的,紅酒配乳酪
避稅天堂,放心吧,可愛的小洋薊」

191
00:09:52,633 --> 00:09:55,803
輪到我了,老混蛋們
該鑽進人肉口袋裡好好耍一耍了

192
00:09:55,970 --> 00:09:58,347
-我等的就是這個
-我褲襠裡已經搭好「帳篷」了

193
00:09:59,599 --> 00:10:02,018
「快看我啊,我是壞奶奶」

194
00:10:02,143 --> 00:10:05,605
「我翹臀不再,我要大吐四方」

195
00:10:08,024 --> 00:10:09,400
「我們來玩個痛快吧」

196
00:10:25,833 --> 00:10:26,792
哥兒們,搞什麼鬼?

197
00:10:29,670 --> 00:10:32,256
意外身亡不算數,這道理我們都懂

198
00:10:32,381 --> 00:10:34,216
-確實如此,但是...
-你們繼續

199
00:10:34,383 --> 00:10:36,469
我把這傢伙拉出去活埋了

200
00:10:39,138 --> 00:10:40,306
{\an8}(《伺候惡魔老闆》)

201
00:10:40,431 --> 00:10:42,350
{\an8}看什麼看,你之前沒見過哪個男的

202
00:10:42,350 --> 00:10:43,768
把活的小女孩塞進後備箱嗎?

203
00:10:43,893 --> 00:10:45,561
{\an8}怎麼不把這人殺了

204
00:10:45,853 --> 00:10:48,189
我留著等下再殺
你難道要衝我嘮叨一晚上嗎?

205
00:10:48,314 --> 00:10:50,775
{\an8}我就是問一句嘛,真是的

206
00:10:51,692 --> 00:10:52,818
(布萊克利莊園)

207
00:10:53,235 --> 00:10:56,072
再給我多說一句廢話
我就把你做成蛇皮靴子

208
00:10:56,864 --> 00:10:59,158
-你他媽的太讚了,巴卡
-可不是嘛

209
00:10:59,283 --> 00:11:02,411
-前往下一站,兄弟會
-殺人、折磨、絞爛他們的屁股

210
00:11:02,536 --> 00:11:04,747
來吧,我們去狂砍人類,不眠不休!

211
00:11:04,914 --> 00:11:06,248
殺人、折磨、肆意胡鬧,寶貝!

212
00:11:06,374 --> 00:11:07,917
-熱辣美味的兄弟會翹臀
-嗯,是啊

213
00:11:11,212 --> 00:11:12,838
{\an8}(去開家長會了
給妳做了餅乾,媽媽愛妳)

214
00:11:13,047 --> 00:11:14,131
那我就不客氣了

215
00:11:18,344 --> 00:11:20,846
我在浴室裡洗澡

216
00:11:21,138 --> 00:11:23,182
剛才還吃了餅乾

217
00:11:27,061 --> 00:11:29,271
-克莉絲
-抱歉,歐文,我不知道

218
00:11:29,397 --> 00:11:31,607
你在這裡忙...你自己的事

219
00:11:31,774 --> 00:11:33,275
我向妳道歉,克莉絲芬柏格

220
00:11:33,442 --> 00:11:36,320
我正在洗我半年一度的澡
結果突然就沒水了

221
00:11:36,487 --> 00:11:39,073
這我知道,我媽是不是
忘了交水費還是什麼的

222
00:11:40,366 --> 00:11:43,994
妳老媽這麼多年就沒用過自來水
她有她自己的辦法

223
00:11:44,662 --> 00:11:47,498
行吧,那我要怎麼恢復供水?

224
00:11:50,501 --> 00:11:54,004
要恢復供水,妳要爬到鬧鬼井的底部

225
00:11:54,714 --> 00:11:57,883
把木棍插進土裡,然後吞下一個
濕漉漉的有鱗片脊椎動物

226
00:11:58,467 --> 00:11:59,385
抱歉了,小傢伙

227
00:11:59,510 --> 00:12:01,345
別擔心,兄弟會那幫傢伙一直這麼做

228
00:12:02,513 --> 00:12:04,515
土地出水!

229
00:12:06,183 --> 00:12:08,269
管用了!真他媽讚啊!

230
00:12:24,410 --> 00:12:25,494
借過一下

231
00:12:28,664 --> 00:12:31,417
真費勁,不過至少又有水了

232
00:12:33,043 --> 00:12:34,837
妳媽最近一直在忙別的事

233
00:12:34,962 --> 00:12:37,089
所以妳也許要替她把其他家務也做了

234
00:12:37,298 --> 00:12:38,674
這是從你屁眼裡拿出來的嗎?

235
00:12:38,841 --> 00:12:40,801
清單上列的都是我看妳媽

236
00:12:40,968 --> 00:12:42,553
每天要完成的任務

237
00:12:42,762 --> 00:12:44,346
你為什麼要這麼關注我媽?

238
00:12:45,139 --> 00:12:47,224
為了逃出去的那天做準備

239
00:12:51,645 --> 00:12:52,563
灑水器開了

240
00:12:54,148 --> 00:12:57,109
如果她每天都能這麼幹,那我也能

241
00:12:57,777 --> 00:12:59,403
它在給我澆水

242
00:13:01,781 --> 00:13:05,451
艾曼達,妳選的蔬菜組合太完美了

243
00:13:05,618 --> 00:13:07,536
-對吧
-我的媽呀,快看

244
00:13:07,703 --> 00:13:08,621
好有格調

245
00:13:08,746 --> 00:13:10,122
(蘿拉芬柏格讀書角)

246
00:13:10,206 --> 00:13:13,042
蘿拉,這也太讚了吧
妳哪來的時間弄這些?

247
00:13:13,292 --> 00:13:17,421
我們都當上媽媽了
當然幹什麼都有時間了,對不對?

248
00:13:17,546 --> 00:13:18,798
-對啊
-說得太對了,陛下

249
00:13:18,964 --> 00:13:20,049
(艾曼達的奇妙書架)

250
00:13:20,174 --> 00:13:21,550
我家裡甚至不放鐘

251
00:13:21,801 --> 00:13:23,844
走吧,各位老媽
我們去幽會小屋發安全套

252
00:13:24,011 --> 00:13:26,555
按孩子們的話來說
那地方就是潘娜洛普邁克的家

253
00:13:26,680 --> 00:13:28,891
好的,我馬上就到
我先把這裡收拾乾淨

254
00:13:29,058 --> 00:13:30,559
逆行是什麼意思?

255
00:13:35,606 --> 00:13:37,733
修剪花園是必做家務

256
00:13:38,192 --> 00:13:39,318
混蛋

257
00:13:39,443 --> 00:13:41,278
妳需要用籬笆剪修剪植物

258
00:13:43,197 --> 00:13:44,657
也要用它來保命

259
00:13:44,824 --> 00:13:47,451
(修剪查理,讓雷獸重新連網發電)

260
00:13:47,660 --> 00:13:51,163
抓住雷獸之後
妳必須迅速行動,因為牠們吃人肉

261
00:13:51,497 --> 00:13:54,583
把電流鉗分別夾在牠們的乳頭上
然後這就好了

262
00:13:54,708 --> 00:13:56,377
有電了

263
00:14:00,840 --> 00:14:02,091
(怪物老師大聯歡)

264
00:14:02,216 --> 00:14:03,425
誰想看看老子的老二

265
00:14:03,884 --> 00:14:07,221
好了,孩子們,誰殺得最多就是贏家
現在...開始

266
00:14:07,221 --> 00:14:08,556
我將會永生

267
00:14:12,685 --> 00:14:15,896
我對天發誓我會殺光你們所有人

268
00:14:15,980 --> 00:14:17,898
媽的,讓他們自己吸自己的血吧

269
00:14:18,315 --> 00:14:21,443
動手吧,小撒
秀一下你以前老用的器官重塑那招

270
00:14:21,527 --> 00:14:23,946
-讓他們嘴巴長在屁眼上
-好吧

271
00:14:24,238 --> 00:14:27,992
-屁眼嘴巴馬上就來
-撒腿跑吧,臭小子

272
00:14:29,201 --> 00:14:34,123
跑不掉了吧,好了,該動手了

273
00:14:34,415 --> 00:14:36,792
快動手啊,動手,刺進去

274
00:14:37,418 --> 00:14:40,754
刺進去,刺穿了就行了,老混蛋

275
00:14:42,840 --> 00:14:47,136
我做不到,我甚至殺不了
這個馬上要在網上找工作的廢柴

276
00:14:47,344 --> 00:14:50,180
-大嚼特嚼,喝乾他們的血!
-大嚼特嚼!

277
00:14:50,264 --> 00:14:52,182
深喉!

278
00:14:52,933 --> 00:14:55,895
-去他媽的吧
-喂,這是在惡搞嗎,哥們?

279
00:14:56,937 --> 00:14:58,063
{\an8}又來?

280
00:14:58,230 --> 00:14:59,523
{\an8}我不是叫你少廢話嗎?

281
00:14:59,648 --> 00:15:01,942
{\an8}你心理扭曲了
像西蒙拜爾絲斯那樣僵住了

282
00:15:02,067 --> 00:15:03,819
{\an8}聽好了,惡魔才不會心理扭曲

283
00:15:03,944 --> 00:15:06,363
他只會跟那些酷炫的反社會朋友

284
00:15:06,572 --> 00:15:08,866
一起扭斷無能人類的脖子

285
00:15:09,199 --> 00:15:12,077
{\an8}可你現在老了,還生了個人類孩子

286
00:15:12,161 --> 00:15:14,455
{\an8}天啊,這有個蛇形佛洛德
給你做心理分析

287
00:15:14,663 --> 00:15:16,415
{\an8}小孩子都看得出來

288
00:15:16,415 --> 00:15:18,375
{\an8}對了,我應該喝個酩酊大醉
這樣肯定能行

289
00:15:20,044 --> 00:15:21,921
我創造了新紀錄,狗兄
你死哪去了?

290
00:15:22,129 --> 00:15:25,633
我就還是老樣子,濫殺無辜什麼的

291
00:15:26,675 --> 00:15:29,345
「濫殺無辜什麼的」?好哥們

292
00:15:29,637 --> 00:15:31,221
你們看,街區那一頭有個孤兒院

293
00:15:31,347 --> 00:15:33,557
讚啊,我們去把小屁孩的心挖出來吧

294
00:15:33,849 --> 00:15:35,684
走著,把他們撕成碎片,上啊

295
00:15:36,352 --> 00:15:39,438
-我喜歡能透光的白葡萄酒
-敬我們自己一杯吧

296
00:15:39,438 --> 00:15:42,983
-好啊,敬我們
-女士們乾杯,下週

297
00:15:43,067 --> 00:15:47,112
我們真的應該組織一場
針對學校提供有機午餐的抗議

298
00:15:47,655 --> 00:15:49,698
-有志者事竟成
-可不是嘛

299
00:15:49,907 --> 00:15:52,451
女士們,我在學校裡做了調查

300
00:15:52,451 --> 00:15:55,746
孩子們說他們最希望
能不用擔驚受怕地上學

301
00:15:55,746 --> 00:15:58,499
所以我給他們做了腎上腺鎮定貼紙

302
00:15:58,666 --> 00:16:00,626
-蘿拉真是天才
-天啊,我們之前都在瞎忙什麼?

303
00:16:00,793 --> 00:16:01,752
我剛剛高潮了

304
00:16:11,971 --> 00:16:13,806
(把襲擊者的屍骸拿去做堆肥)

305
00:16:14,264 --> 00:16:16,266
-讚啊
-真棒,當心...

306
00:16:16,558 --> 00:16:18,936
好好玩吧,你們早晚會變老

307
00:16:20,062 --> 00:16:21,438
她怕是吃了不少苦

308
00:16:25,943 --> 00:16:27,903
殺死敵基督

309
00:16:28,570 --> 00:16:29,613
媽的...媽的

310
00:16:32,282 --> 00:16:33,283
將軍

311
00:16:34,076 --> 00:16:35,202
去你媽的

312
00:16:36,328 --> 00:16:38,330
每週一怪物,這週的有了

313
00:16:40,124 --> 00:16:41,583
放手

314
00:16:44,086 --> 00:16:46,714
媽!救命!

315
00:16:47,047 --> 00:16:50,968
我的克莉絲小可愛
正在跟她的怪物打架呢

316
00:16:51,176 --> 00:16:54,138
我真想幫她,但我要去準備聚餐了

317
00:16:54,304 --> 00:16:57,141
寶貝,挖出他的心,殺了他就完事了

318
00:17:09,361 --> 00:17:11,822
媽,這他媽是怎麼回事,妳去哪了?

319
00:17:12,114 --> 00:17:15,784
我今天死裡逃生一百萬次
我應該在外面玩的,我才13歲啊

320
00:17:15,951 --> 00:17:18,495
我還得給一個小妖怪
餵腳趾甲才能恢復燃氣...

321
00:17:21,373 --> 00:17:23,459
這是怎麼回事?

322
00:17:23,834 --> 00:17:27,296
壞了,我應該關上門的
親愛的,這廁所有人在用

323
00:17:27,296 --> 00:17:28,338
這到底是怎麼...

324
00:17:31,008 --> 00:17:32,468
太讚了,姐妹

325
00:17:34,011 --> 00:17:36,722
-怎麼回事,你要殺了我們嗎?
-上帝啊,聖父和聖母啊

326
00:17:36,972 --> 00:17:38,557
你就這麼站旁邊幹看著嗎?

327
00:17:38,849 --> 00:17:41,518
你最大的優點就是你有手
趕緊滾過來幫我

328
00:17:41,602 --> 00:17:44,730
{\an8}你的車沒毛病,你腦子有病得治

329
00:17:48,442 --> 00:17:50,277
-撒旦,這是怎麼了?
-什麼?

330
00:17:51,403 --> 00:17:53,530
我的媽呀,有新鮮空氣了

331
00:17:53,739 --> 00:17:55,574
那不是你說要給她開膛破肚的修女嗎

332
00:17:55,699 --> 00:17:59,119
-嗯,是啊,我剛才...
-什麼,還有之前那個小女孩

333
00:17:59,411 --> 00:18:00,621
-嗨
-你沒有活埋她

334
00:18:00,829 --> 00:18:02,706
你是不是救了她的命?

335
00:18:03,540 --> 00:18:06,043
去他媽的吧,老子不在乎了
是啊,我沒殺她

336
00:18:06,376 --> 00:18:10,172
我就知道,國中之國的傳聞是真的

337
00:18:10,714 --> 00:18:14,551
撒旦變成了軟心腸的乖寶寶

338
00:18:14,760 --> 00:18:18,222
我沒有心軟
我就是不再喜歡做這些事了

339
00:18:18,472 --> 00:18:22,017
摧毀王國是史詩壯舉
這種濫殺無辜的遊戲實在太智障了

340
00:18:22,226 --> 00:18:24,520
你們這幫傢伙也都是智障
我自己全想明白了

341
00:18:24,728 --> 00:18:26,063
{\an8}你他媽是在逗我吧?

342
00:18:26,063 --> 00:18:29,066
巴卡,你說得沒錯
撒旦現在是個軟心腸超級乖寶寶

343
00:18:29,566 --> 00:18:31,819
你們要是覺得我這麼菜
為什麼還請我出來玩?

344
00:18:32,069 --> 00:18:34,363
蠢貨,因為你是我們的飯票

345
00:18:34,613 --> 00:18:36,406
你以為我們陪你玩了幾百年

346
00:18:36,615 --> 00:18:38,700
是因為我們喜歡你?見鬼去吧

347
00:18:38,951 --> 00:18:40,828
不過如果這張飯票已經沒用了...

348
00:18:40,994 --> 00:18:43,747
那看來我們需要換個吃法了

349
00:18:49,670 --> 00:18:55,342
媽的,我賴以生存的招式
現在要害死我自己了,這也太諷刺了

350
00:18:55,551 --> 00:18:58,303
名副其實的自我吞食啊,不

351
00:19:04,017 --> 00:19:07,729
這還叫心軟嗎,死賤人?
我們趕緊離開這鬼地方

352
00:19:07,938 --> 00:19:09,064
{\an8}你來開車?

353
00:19:09,231 --> 00:19:11,775
-為什麼要我來開?
-我要被消化了!

354
00:19:12,192 --> 00:19:14,403
-忘了這回事了
-我要被一條爛蛇消化了!

355
00:19:14,528 --> 00:19:15,529
-真好聞啊
-是呢

356
00:19:15,696 --> 00:19:18,198
各位媽媽,妳們該走了
我媽有點不正常

357
00:19:18,282 --> 00:19:19,533
妳覺得妳媽哪裡不正常?

358
00:19:19,533 --> 00:19:22,578
我可以錄下來嗎?
這樣就能抵制她,我是幫助她

359
00:19:22,703 --> 00:19:24,204
我才不在乎什麼白癡聚餐

360
00:19:24,371 --> 00:19:25,998
我媽本來也不在乎,所以我...

361
00:19:26,790 --> 00:19:27,833
女士們好啊

362
00:19:30,127 --> 00:19:31,670
-天啊
-我的上帝

363
00:19:31,670 --> 00:19:33,881
我從沒見過這麼噁心的東西

364
00:19:34,089 --> 00:19:36,133
妳們一如既往,豔光照人

365
00:19:36,383 --> 00:19:38,343
那是什麼東西,為什麼妳滿身都是?

366
00:19:39,136 --> 00:19:42,347
這是我的息怒水蛭
我們融為一體,我們熱愛憤怒

367
00:19:42,556 --> 00:19:43,682
真美味

368
00:19:44,266 --> 00:19:46,059
媽,妳得把這些東西弄下來

369
00:19:46,143 --> 00:19:47,603
可我們這麼做都是為了妳,孩子

370
00:19:47,769 --> 00:19:50,063
妳媽把她的怒火當作禮物送給我們

371
00:19:50,606 --> 00:19:53,692
我們回贈的禮物
就是讓她擺脫痛苦,擺脫身體束縛

372
00:19:54,067 --> 00:19:57,112
-真體貼
-「體貼」個鬼,馬上給我住手

373
00:19:58,530 --> 00:19:59,698
搞什麼?

374
00:20:00,490 --> 00:20:02,743
妳就是靠這東西戰勝我的嗎?

375
00:20:02,743 --> 00:20:05,579
女士們,妳們看見了嗎?她作弊

376
00:20:05,579 --> 00:20:08,832
孩子,妳傷害不了我們
除非妳想傷害妳媽

377
00:20:09,082 --> 00:20:11,210
妳真想在妳給她造成的傷口上
再撒一把鹽嗎?

378
00:20:11,585 --> 00:20:14,171
克莉絲,妳媽媽愛妳
她所做的一切都是為了妳

379
00:20:14,296 --> 00:20:16,465
-包括作弊
-去你媽的,艾曼達

380
00:20:16,882 --> 00:20:17,925
天啊

381
00:20:18,091 --> 00:20:19,092
求妳了,趕緊變回賤人吧

382
00:20:19,259 --> 00:20:21,303
妳比這群垃圾媽媽好太多了

383
00:20:21,553 --> 00:20:25,641
如果妳說的「好」指的是
她濫用藥物改變心智的話

384
00:20:25,807 --> 00:20:29,353
沒錯,她可是「好」太多了,去死吧

385
00:20:29,561 --> 00:20:32,981
妳媽也去死
妳根本不懂我每天要怎麼

386
00:20:33,065 --> 00:20:34,066
小心翼翼地生活

387
00:20:34,233 --> 00:20:36,068
我要為我操蛋的一家人操心一切

388
00:20:36,652 --> 00:20:38,904
妳媽不比我們「好」,她是運氣好

389
00:20:39,071 --> 00:20:41,698
要是能變成她這樣,讓我死了都行啊

390
00:20:46,119 --> 00:20:48,288
我聽說妳老公打算離開妳

391
00:20:48,538 --> 00:20:51,875
所以妳也許很快就會夢想成真了
至少珍妮是這麼說的

392
00:20:51,959 --> 00:20:55,837
妳他媽是在逗我吧
我還給妳買了玫瑰石英臉部按摩器

393
00:20:56,046 --> 00:20:58,340
-我又沒求著妳買
-妳那張老臉可太需要它了

394
00:20:58,590 --> 00:21:00,092
妳讓妳兒子吃妳手心裡的食物

395
00:21:00,217 --> 00:21:01,885
因為只有妳兒子聽妳的話

396
00:21:02,177 --> 00:21:04,429
-去你媽的,珍妮
-去你媽的,艾曼達

397
00:21:11,270 --> 00:21:13,480
克莉絲,這群婊子
為什麼會在我家裡?

398
00:21:13,689 --> 00:21:17,276
媽的,妳變回來了
還有什麼事讓妳們氣炸,都說出來吧

399
00:21:17,776 --> 00:21:21,321
我的生活不屬於我
誰來揍我一拳,給我來點感覺

400
00:21:25,617 --> 00:21:28,954
我受夠了為別人著想隱藏我的怒火了

401
00:21:29,204 --> 00:21:31,581
妳兒子直到四歲還在喝母乳

402
00:21:31,748 --> 00:21:33,083
不代表妳比我更擅長當媽

403
00:21:33,333 --> 00:21:36,211
我這麼多年每天只能睡四個小時

404
00:21:36,878 --> 00:21:39,840
我連孩子都沒有
我只是喜歡大家一起玩

405
00:21:39,965 --> 00:21:41,174
我殺了我家的貓

406
00:21:41,300 --> 00:21:43,260
我會揍鏡子裡的自己

407
00:21:43,385 --> 00:21:46,513
打扮成南瓜
是最差勁的寶寶萬聖節變裝

408
00:21:46,805 --> 00:21:48,265
我只想砸東西

409
00:21:49,433 --> 00:21:51,643
媽,幫個忙,這東西太多了

410
00:21:52,102 --> 00:21:55,564
克莉絲,我好餓,好想把誰暴打一頓

411
00:21:55,814 --> 00:21:59,443
謝天謝地,這堆東西太欠打了
聽懂了沒,算了現在不該開玩笑

412
00:22:01,778 --> 00:22:04,948
克莉絲,抱歉我全都搞砸了
妳大概還是希望我變成一個好人吧

413
00:22:05,073 --> 00:22:07,576
去他的好人,比起善良的妳

414
00:22:07,701 --> 00:22:10,078
我倒寧願接受那個真正變態的妳
我需要妳

415
00:22:16,126 --> 00:22:17,669
去死吧,吸血的怪物!

416
00:22:22,841 --> 00:22:24,301
天啊,真是厲害

417
00:22:24,593 --> 00:22:26,845
行了,請妳們滾出我家

418
00:22:26,845 --> 00:22:28,221
至少妳還說了「請」

419
00:22:32,601 --> 00:22:33,894
我能問你件事嗎?

420
00:22:35,103 --> 00:22:38,357
我們這一晚上老是打你,敲你的腦門

421
00:22:38,523 --> 00:22:41,109
在你帽子裡撒尿,可你還是救了我

422
00:22:41,985 --> 00:22:43,070
為什麼呢?

423
00:22:44,446 --> 00:22:46,531
你是我的朋友

424
00:22:46,656 --> 00:22:48,784
媽的,我是你的朋友

425
00:22:49,284 --> 00:22:52,704
{\an8}有個智者說過
「我喜歡安靜,你喜歡喧鬧」

426
00:22:52,829 --> 00:22:54,748
{\an8}「我們在一起,一切都美好」

427
00:22:54,956 --> 00:22:58,210
這不是寶拉阿巴杜的歌詞嗎?
你這個俗氣的小雜種

428
00:22:58,335 --> 00:23:00,462
你在嘲笑我,太他媽賤了

429
00:23:03,965 --> 00:23:07,469
是啊,你滿腦子齷齪事
不過你是條蛇嘛,就應該這樣

430
00:23:27,906 --> 00:23:29,908
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