[laid-back music]
LAURA: The steak was dry, but that bellboy was looking moist.
CHRISSY: Yeah, I never knew 12-packs were a real thing.
Ay, Chihuahua. [laughter]
Wow, we really needed this vacay, huh?
- Ah, yeah, I just still feel really bad about our fight.
- Hey, what did we say? Not going to talk about it.
- Ah, Feinberg women forgive and forget.
- Definitely the forget part. [laughter]
[spooky shout]
[laid-back music turns dark]
- Oh, fuck!
Tsunami!
We got to move!
[dramatic music]
Hold on, Chrissy. - [struggling]
- Chrissy, no! - You did this.
- What? - This is your fault, Mom.
- Chrissy, no.
- I knew you would turn on me
and leave me drowning in a tsunami.
- No!
[upbeat music]
- Daddy to the rescue!
LAURA: Chrissy! - Thanks, Dad. You're the best.
Mom, you suck!
- Chrissy!
[distorted voice] Chrissy. Chrissy.
No!
Ah! [sighs]
Subconscious, you little bitch.
I'm getting Chrissy back.
[suspenseful music]
♪♪ ♪♪
[device ringing]
- Laur? What the-- Oh, no.
Did the carbon monoxide detector go off?
Been meaning to take the batteries out of that thing.
- Uh, I made a huge mistake. Chrissy can't stay with Satan.
There a chicken farm around here?
- Uh-uh. Laura, you cannot go get Chrissy.
24 hours ago, you tried to murder each other.
- Okay, okay. Then I'll just call her.
DARLENE: No! I gave you the keys to my beach house
so you could have some peace--
lay on the beach, sun your taint, you know?
Get your ass up to the sun.
There's no better feeling in the whole world.
Chrissy said she needed space.
- [chanting gibberish]
- And you need a break more than anyone.
And if you don't respect her boundaries just this once,
you could lose her forever.
- Ah, fuck. Fine.
DARLENE: Walk your sand in the--in--
walk your feet in the sand.
See how many footprints are left or whatever.
- [chanting gibberish]
DARLENE: What the fuck was that?
- There, now I can't text or call Chrissy for 24 hours.
And if I try, my heart explodes,
and my soul gets trapped in this spider forever.
DARLENE: If you became a little spider gal,
I'd treat you just the same.
Have you met my cousins yet? They're a hoot and a half.
- Uh, yep. Apples don't fall far
from the Darlene family tree, that's for sure.
DARLENE: One time at Patty's Shrimp Hut,
we got so wasted off their cocktail-sauce martinis,
we set the place ablaze just to see the hot firemen.
- What is that?
DARLENE: Anyway, see ya!
- Hey, there, neighbor! - Ah, shit!
What are you doing out here so early, Dorlene?
- It's the only time I could get my jog in
without these seagulls picking at my eczema.
Listen, I heard all about your mother-daughter blowout,
BT-dubs--yikes.
- Yeah, yikes.
- I had a daughter once, so I totally get it.
Anyhoo, got to rake in those steps.
Oh, oh, and if you're game,
we do a bonfire every Friday night on the beach.
Bonfire Balaban we call it, after Bob Balaban.
Love Little Man Tate.
- Ha ha. Okay, great.
I'd rather hang myself by my labia.
DORLENE: Sounds good.
- [sighs]
- Woo-hoo-hoo!
Holy shit!
[creature screeches, Chrissy shouts]
I am Khaleesi!
Ha ha!
Look at me now, Mom! I'm on a mother-jumping dragon!
- [squawks] - Oh, sorry, Frances--
cockatrice.
I'm on a mother-jumping cockatrice!
Whoo!
Cockatrice, ya bish! [Frances screeches]
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
- Little better than a pony ride.
- Goddamn that was awesome, Daddy-o.
[old-timey voice] Hey, Snakey, mix me up something sweet.
Surprise me, honey.
- Copo Copo Canyon's got cameras set up
like an amusement park.
I saved a couple of my faves. Check them out.
[Chrissy laughs]
Freedom looks good on you, girl.
- Ah, never felt so alive--
no dishes to deal with,
no dictator breathing down my neck.
- It's all chill here. Do whatevs you want.
- Sweet. I'm going to take a nap on a pile of slugs.
- Take a lame-ass nap?
Come on, you spent your whole life on Earth with Pussolini.
Get back out there.
Meet some creatures your own age.
You got the whole M realm at your fingy-tips.
[snaps fingers] Blammo. [spooky shout]
This is iSatan.
In case you get lost, some losers try to mess with you,
you fall in a toilet, just push, and, poof,
I, Satan, will appear. - Whoa.
And I can go anywhere? - Anywhere.
- Nothing's off-limits? - Not a thing.
- Not even GunsandMethlandia Plaza?
- I wouldn't start with that one, but the sky's the limit.
Now get out of here.
- Come on, Frances, little girl.
Ya!
Catch ya later, Pop!
- Damn, I just got a major FOMO attack.
Snakey, grab that box of drugs I found on the corpse
of that goblin DJ.
Let's get queasy.
[indistinct chatter]
PERSON: Oh, come on.
Tessa doesn't belong on reality TV.
- [groans] Are we really doing this, Laura?
[chatter continues]
Okay.
- Well, I think Rita is using Kenneth for his heliport
because he's been sleeping with Tessa since season five.
- Two episodes ago, her son got divorced.
She doesn't care about no heliport right now.
- Oh, my God, you made it. Grab a chair.
Oh, this is Laura, Darlene's friend.
This is Durlawn, Dirlane, and Dave.
- Hey. - Welcome, hon.
We're talking about Shit Wives of Myrtle Beach.
- That reality show?
Didn't that get banned
for the insane amount of drunk driving?
- That and incest, and only in a few states.
- Laura's here for a little R&R.
- Ah, you know who else apparently needed some R&R?
Heather Dombaco.
She lost her shit when she found out her husband
was getting his butt fingered at the gym,
and no one's seen her since.
- Wow, Shit Wives of Myrtle Beach gets wild.
- That wasn't on Shit Wives.
Heather's from around here.
She went missing a couple of weeks ago.
Some think she went on a bender.
But if you ask me...
I know it was the sea hag.
- Jesus Christ. - It was only a matter of time.
- Here she goes again with the goddamn sea hag.
- Sea hag-- is that what you call
some old lady on the beach who stole your husband?
- Oh, no. Ethel and I are friends now.
Sea hag's a true beast from the sea.
She roams the beach searching for bodies to devour.
The sadder they are, the more likely to be eaten.
She feeds on loneliness and human flesh--
a horrid, repulsive creature.
- [yawns]
DURLAWN: Fishermen have gone missing, pets, children.
I've been hunting her for years,
but she always escapes me.
One day, just wait.
One day, just you wait.
Wait day one. Just wait one day, one--
- Durlawn's been using sea hag as an excuse
for why no one wants to stay at her inn for the past 20 years.
DAVE: That's true. - Shut the fuck up, will you?
- Hey, hey, hey.
- Well, actually, I did see something feeding
out on the jetty today,
but it was probably a seal or something.
- I told you she's back.
The fucking sea hag's back. [spear gun fires]
DORLENE: Give me the spear gun, honey.
DIRLANE: Who saw that coming? DAVE: A mess.
- Well, I'm gonna go get incredibly high
and take a stroll-- good luck with all that.
Good night now. - Watch out out there!
Sea hag's gonna eat you. She eats babies, I tell ya!
[device rings]
[sinister laughter, flatulence]
- Are you--That fucking asshole is letting her--
Oh, God, and he ruined my high.
Fuck it. I'm reversing this spell.
- Whew, let's take a quick break here.
You need a number one, number two?
It all comes out of one place for birds, right?
That's cray.
Damn, girl, I am lost.
- You lost?
- Uh... [clears throat] Me? No.
Exactly where I'm supposed to be.
Just taking a breather. Been going hard all day.
You know how us rebel teens are, you know.
- [slurps] You're cute.
- Uh, do you know anything fun to do?
[chuckles] I mean, anything else in the metaphysical realm?
- Raponga, it's the hottest club in the Fringe.
Me and the Moth Boys are headed there now.
- Whoa, cool. Uh, yeah, I mean, maybe I'll check it out
if I'm not too, uh, busy.
[chuckles] You dig, cowgirl?
You're nailing this, Chrissy.
- Whoa.
Whoa, lighty.
[chuckles] Thanks, bro.
Classic us, right?
- See you there, maybe.
- Uh, yeah, yeah, maybe. [tires squealing]
Maybe not. Maybe, maybe. Ha ha!
Raponga, here we come.
[dramatic music]
- [chanting gibberish]
♪♪ ♪♪
[shouting]
♪♪ ♪♪
[continues chanting gibberish]
Come on, strike me!
Strike me!
I said strike--
♪♪ ♪♪
[waves lapping, seagulls crying]
- [groans] - [screams]
W-what is that?
Get away from me. - Calm down.
- If you try to eat me, I swear to God I will fucking--
- Calm down. - Ah! Ow.
- It burns for a second. - Ah! [grunts]
[huffs]
SEA HAG: You're lucky you're not dead.
- Yeah, why am I not dead? Why didn't you eat me?
- I'm talking about you hitting your head and drowning, moron,
plus whining at the sky... [Laura coughing]
- "Oh, strike me.
Strike me, please, daddy lightning."
- You mean you saw me command the fuck out of lightning,
you baby-eating bitch.
- I ate one baby one time on a dare.
And I was fucking with you. Jesus.
You put up a good fight, though.
That was kind of cool.
- I'm sure you say that
to all the humans you're gonna swallow.
- Keep talking shit, and I just might.
You dropped this.
Daughter? Niece?
- No. - Student?
- No, and none of your goddamn business.
- If you say lover, I will eat you.
- Why don't you fuck back off to the ocean
where you belong, please?
- Oh, I'm going but mainly because of them.
- There she is. - Holy shit!
Durlawn was right! - My worldview has crumbled.
- Hey. - What?
- You want to come?
- Why the fuck would I go with you?
- Well, from where I'm standing,
you seem fucking miserable on land.
DURLAWN: Careful, she eats babies.
SEA HAG: Up to you, but I'm leaving either way.
- Fuck it. I got 24 hours, and that's it.
[soft music]
♪♪ ♪♪
You're making me a fish?
What's next? I feed you a hard-boiled egg or something?
- I gave you the ability to speak underwater,
and I could take it right back. [Laura chuckles]
Where are we going? - Deeper.
Much deeper.
[whistles]
[Sierra Farrell's "Far Away Across the Sea"]
♪♪ ♪♪
SINGER: ♪♪ Far away across the sea ♪♪
♪♪ My true love, he don't think of me.
♪♪ I still remember on my fingers, in my skin ♪♪
♪♪ Yes, far away across the sea ♪♪
♪♪ My true love, he don't think of me ♪♪
♪♪ I send him letters, but they return back to my door ♪♪
♪♪ ♪♪
- [speaking native language]
- Who the fuck are these sea dogs?
- Vodyanorwens, pirates of the abyss.
- Ooh, scary.
- [shouts]
- You thinking what I'm thinking?
- Only if you, too, are a complete psychopath.
[dramatic music]
SEA HAG: Hey, pissy bitch!
- Hey, why don't you pick on some titties
your own size, huh?
Want me to squeeze those things?
SEA HAG: Let's motorboat.
[Laura grunts]
SINGER: ♪♪ The bigger the boom, the bigger the bang
♪♪ The bigger the boom... ♪♪
- Yeah, yeah, get in there, huh?
SINGER: ♪♪ The bigger the boom, the bigger the bang ♪♪
♪♪ You go, hey, he, ho, make some noise, boy ♪♪
♪♪ Grab your joint ♪♪
♪♪ Jump in the party stat, boy ♪♪
♪♪ Budda the big, budda the bang ♪♪
♪♪ Party over here ♪♪
♪♪ Honeys on the floor ♪♪
[music fades]
- Thank you. - Wow.
- Still hot and unfiltered.
- Hey, that's the name of my stand-up special.
- Oh. Ugh. - Come on.
CREATURE: Do you know if they have a cover?
- Be a good girl. I love you.
CREATURE: Oh, you got to try the wings here.
They're wonderful.
- Sorry, little girls ain't allowed.
[Chrissy roars]
Oh, snap, I underestimated you due to your stature
and probably gender.
I've done this to my daughter.
She brought it to my attention multiple times.
I'm trying. Come right in.
CREATURE: Making so many bad decisions tonight.
CREATURE 2: Hey, pour it down me gope hole.
Pour it down me gope hole. CREATURE 3: Hey, no offense,
but I want to eat your testicles--is that cool?
- Wow, what is this place?
- Your best worst nightmare. - [gasps]
- [laughs]
Hey, would you like a Brain Bleed?
It's actually just elf tongue, oat milk, and gasoline.
It's super tasty.
You're good?
All right, have a good one, then.
[indistinct chatter, dance music playing]
CREATURE: I've got fucking cum coming out of my ear holes.
♪♪ ♪♪
- Care to dance?
- Ah, I think we're just dancing as a group,
like a group thing, you know?
- Oh, a group thing. Yes, of course.
I'll be on my way.
♪♪ ♪♪
[chatter continues]
[ominous music]
♪♪ ♪♪
- Ah!
- Looking for something?
- Oh, hi.
Uh, I thought this was, uh, the bathroom.
But, uh, there was, like, uh, this girl I met--
red hair, fairy-like, and--
- You mean Red?
- Oh, yeah, that would make sense.
- She's in here. Come inside.
♪♪ ♪♪
[creatures munching wildly]
- Sounds like an ASMR video in here.
[door slams]
[gasps] - Hungry?
[laughing]
- Then I handed him the gas nozzle,
and I said, "Well, if you're not pushing,
start sucking, buddy."
- [laughs] - I mean, it was--
- Cheers. - Cheers.
[soft music playing]
- You okay?
- Um... [sighs] Yeah.
Yeah, I honestly haven't felt this alive in--
I don't even know how long.
- Then what's up?
- Ah, that picture you asked me about, my daughter, I--
I just really messed things up with her and--
- Ah, and now you don't deserve any happiness, right?
It's just better to stick with self-torment?
- Look, from the time she was born,
I've fucked up over and over and over again as her mom.
Maybe I just don't deserve happiness.
- That's how I felt after my first litter hatched
a few thousand years ago.
I didn't know how to raise jack shit.
While they were home alone, I was out fooling around
with the Midgard Serpent and the Wolf Fenrir.
Then they found out about each other, and, boom, Ragnarok.
- No way. Seriously? - Yeah.
Helen of Troy does not have shit on me.
- Oh.
- Anyway, I started feeling guilty
about my choices as a mom, and that feeling spread,
and I began using that guilt and that shame
as a compass through life.
And you know what that did?
It just made me a worse fucking mom.
I wish I'd been nicer to myself,
given myself a break.
Give yourself a fucking break.
[tender music]
- Today was the nicest thing
anyone's done for me in a long time.
- Yeah, it feels nice, huh, being taken care of?
♪♪ ♪♪
- Take me. - Take me first.
LAURA: Come on, serve me up on a platter.
SEA HAG: Now shut up.
[creature groans]
- Ow!
What the... [voice distorts] Fuck, dude?
[slurring] What the fuck?
- I don't know about you boys,
but I still got room for dessert.
- My tum-tum's always got room for dessert.
- [gasping]
[ominous music]
Ah!
Dad, where the fuck are you? [device shouting]
- Oh, my God.
I've tasted a lot of floors,
but this is the best I've ever tasted.
Next drug!
- [grunts] Run.
Go.
- [laughing]
Ugh, my balls. My mothballs!
Get her!
[suspenseful music]
- Please help. I--
[grunting]
CREATURE: I'll have what she's having.
CREATURE 2: Uh, excuse me. I need a drink.
- Damn it. Only because it's my last resort.
Mom, come on, pick up.
[Laura and Sea Hag moaning, objects thudding, rattling]
Are you shitting me? MOTH BOY: Hurry!
Get that demon shit. - Okay, bye-bye.
Have fun, kids. Don't get into too much trouble.
[Sea Hag inhales and exhales deeply]
- Oof. Damn.
Thought for a sec I was going to lose my larynx back there.
- [chuckles] Oh, mermaid, huh?
LAURA: Yeah.
- No judgment.
LAURA: Oh, okay.
SEA HAG: I thought it was hilarious at the time.
- Yeah, I bet.
[soft music]
Look, I got to-- I got to go.
- Yeah. Yeah. - Yeah.
- I'll, uh--I'll take you.
[Laura gasps] I fucking missed her call.
Shit. Fuck.
I can't believe I did that. - Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Where is that goddamn spider? - One sec. Stop.
- Do you see a spider? - Stop for one second.
- What? - Hear me out.
Don't go. - What?
No. What if she's in trouble?
- What if you need to put your guilt aside just once?
Ask yourself why this
is the best you've felt in a long time.
- Look, you may live in a fantasy world
where you get to consume sea pirates
and drop squid ink all day,
but I have responsibilities that I can't walk away from.
- I'm not saying forever.
- I have to do what's best for my daughter.
Why don't you go find your fucking litter and--
- Yeah, maybe this is what's best for her. What about--
- No, this is selfish, and so are you.
- I'm actually more mammal than a crus--
Oh, honestly, thought you said "shellfish."
It's kind of funny.
So, uh, this is it I guess.
- Yes.
[creature grunting] [Chrissy panting]
[upbeat dance music playing]
♪♪ ♪♪
[Moth Boys laughing]
MOTH BOY: Yum, yum.
- Leave me alone. MOTH BOY: Okay.
Yeah, let's stop, guys.
Just fucking kidding. That was sarcasm.
You're not cut out for this world, sweetie.
So we're going to take you out of it.
- I'm going to eat you like a cashmere sweater.
- I'm going to scarf you down like you're a fucking scarf.
MOTH BOY: Oh, yeah, she's...
MOTH BOY 2: Oh. MOTH BOY 3: Lighty.
MOTH BOY: Whoa.
SERVER: [echoing] Elf tongue, oat milk, and gasoline.
It's super tasty.
- You motherfuckers!
Whoosh! - Oh, oh!
MOTH BOY 2: Oh, God, he's on fire!
[Chrissy shouting]
I'll take care of it myself!
[grunting]
DURLAWN: We got her! DAVE: We got the sea hag!
SEA HAG: Let me go, you ugly yokels!
- Fucking stupid fucking cousins.
- Hold still, hag. - Ooh-hoo!
- Does she smell. - Just hold still.
- We caught her. We finally caught her.
- Let her go, guys.
- I think maybe you need to put down that weapon, hon.
- You don't want to kill her.
Sure, some of the rumors about her are true,
but the real issue is you're scared she may be right
about what you need for yourself.
And that's why this decision is one of the hardest
you've ever had to make.
- She lost it. - I think she has a point.
- Almost sounds more about her than us.
- Tough tits, gal. We're doing this for Heather.
It's what Tessa did in the third episode last season
for Jeanette-- - Ugh, more Shit Wives stuff?
Come on.
- That's not why Tessa shot Jeanette's husband.
She did it because he bankrolled
his ex-wife for her new Gemini beauty line.
- You watch Shit Wives of Myrtle Beach?
- Watch it? Hell, I swim down there and have dinner
with them every other month.
And if you want the goss--
DORLENE: Ooh, dish, baby.
DURLAWN: What's Jessica Junior like?
- Ugh, the literal worst, and I dated a basilisk.
- Bye, fish lady.
- Yeah, next Sunday it is, and I'll bring the net.
[laughing] I don't trust you anymore.
- Wow, it's good to see you making friends.
- I think it'll take a while
to, like, let them know I did eat Heather.
[chuckles]
I thought you didn't want to see me again.
- I couldn't let you get captured.
I don't want to say we'll never see each other again.
- Hey, give me your arm.
[shell whooshes]
[tender music]
If you decide to leave your life behind
or you want to see me,
you can press this tattoo and call my name five times.
- Huh, kind of like Candyman.
- Just like Candyman.
♪♪ ♪♪
[Frances squawks] - [crying]
- [mutters]
- Ah, what? What?
Don't strong-arm me, Snakey. [Frances screeches]
Chrissy, you're back.
How'd it go out there?
Have a little Rumspringa?
- I called you, and you didn't come.
That's what happened. - Oh, shit.
Sorry, hon.
Snake started pushing his drug stash on everyone
like some kind of methed-out ice cream man.
I think he's got a genuine problem.
- I really needed you, and you didn't show.
You and mom both fucking suck.
- Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Where are you going? - To Bennigan's.
I know he hates me right now,
but he may at least mildly give a shit about me.
Don't follow me. - No, I-I-I--
Aw, shit. Aw, shit.
Aw, shit. Aw, shit! [objects clatter]
This is all your fault.
What are you, my sponsor?
Oh, yeah. Okay.
Thank you.
[engine revs, stops]
- Laur, you made it back in one piece, huh?
A little R&R didn't kill you. - Almost.
But, yeah, you were right. I-I needed that.
Thanks for letting me stay.
- Sure did make a big splash with my cousins.
Now they're going to make sea hag T-shirts,
sea hag bags, sea hag necklaces.
And they're opening up a gift shop to sell novelty items.
- It's all about perspective, right?
- I guess. What are you doing here anyway?
I thought you'd be going to find Chrissy by now.
- Yeah, you know, I-I just figure,
when Chrissy's ready, she'll come home.
Right?
As soon as I rebuild it. - Mm-hmm.
If you need a good contractor, Dorlene is excellent.
She charges way too much,
but give her a bag of Bugles, she'll take 10% off the top.
[tender music]
- Yeah, she'll come around when she's ready.
[doorbell rings]
- Huh. They know I'm coming.
♪♪ ♪♪
Hello?
Anybody home?
[ominous music]
[muffled shouting]
Bennigan, oh, my God. What--
[shouting continues, Bennigan gasps]
- We meet again.
- What? Who the hell are you?
- Who the hell am I? Uh, your archnemesis.
- Archnemesis? I don't even know you.
- You don't even-- - Fuck.
Did you do this because of me? - Yes!
- Are you fucking kidding me? It never stops.
- It does now.
♪♪ ♪♪