Chrissy: [gasps] - hungry?
Chrissy: I really needed you, and you didn't show.
You and mom both fucking suck.
Satan: Where are you going? - To bennigan's.
I know he hates me right now,
but he may at least mildly give a shit about me.
Hello? Anybody home?
- [muffled groan] - bennigan!
Oh, my god, what-- - we meet again.
- Are you fucking kidding me? It never stops.
- It does now.
[laughs evilly]
- [whimpers]
- it is time to kill you,
not because you're the disgusting spawn of satan
or that the entirety of the universe
will rot simply due to your presence,
not even because you're a woman,
but for the sole reason
you are why I got my dick shot off.
Prepare to die.
- Then just fucking do it.
- Wait, what?
- Every damn day, I fuck something else up.
I destroyed half this town, humiliated my best friend.
Apparently, I got this uggo's dick shot off.
So do it. I'm done being the antichrist.
I don't care. - Chrissy--
- well, I mean, you have to care a little.
- Nope. - I was expecting
a bit of a fight. - Oh, were you?
- My journey's been epic and--
- shut up and just kill me, you little bitch!
- Fine! Whatever!
Laser. [whirring]
- chrissy!
- [laughing evilly]
[zapping]
oh, this--oh, it burns!
My metal dick's conductive.
Ugh!
Boot smash! [thump]
- and who the hell are you?
- We...
Are your siblings.
[ominous music]
♪ ♪
- half siblings, to be exact, on the paternal side.
- Does this mean we could share clothes?
Because that cape is really nice.
- Satan has tried for eons to produce an heir
capable of maximus dawnus.
And he finally found what he wanted
when you made that hole in the sky.
- So none of you shed first blood?
- Not in the way you mean,
though my moon cycle has always been heavy.
- But why me?
- That we don't know. Dia: Vanessa.
We must get home before he catches our scent.
- Come with us to the realm where all your siblings live,
where you belong.
[whooshing]
siblings, we March.
- Wait, chrissy, stop.
Do you really think the world would be
better off without you?
- You, of all people, should know that.
- Chrissy, you can't be...
...Serious.
- Dang. Been there, bro.
[whooshing] - wait, where are you--
I have so many questions.
Chew: Happy to answer them along the way.
Name's chew, chuggie pilot, and satan's spawn number 143,
conceived on the slomdom mountains.
- Dia, number 13,
conceived under the arboral realm's muck-tree.
- Chrissy, number 69.
No interest in knowing how I was conceived.
Bleep, blop, bloop.
- We've been watching you for a while now...
..Keeping our distance,
staying in the shadows.
[squawk]
we were just waiting for the right time
to make ourselves known.
- Cool, cool.
So I go with you, and then you reveal your secret plan
to feed my kidneys to a leviathan, yeah?
Gift my eyes to your icey dragon king?
- [chuckles] we don't want anything from you,
dear sister. - Then why?
What do you-- - because we're family.
- You're probably lying, but fuck it.
I got nothing to lose.
Vanessa: You're gonna want to hang on here.
- Wanda ain't as lubed as she used to be.
[wanda growls] - sorry, wanda.
- [moaning]
- yeehaw!
Giddyup! Giiiidyup!
Look at her go!
- Whew. - One wheelbarrow of ash down.
A few thousand more to go.
- I'll add you to the pile
if you don't shut up and get useful.
- Cool. Yeah, I'll just move this pile of splintered wood
over to that pile of splintered wood.
- [phone rings] erwin: Fucking idiot.
- Bennigan, let's do it this way.
If I ever do watch "seventh heaven"
and want to talk about it, I'll call you.
I don't--wait, what?
What? What!
- All right, where's my rejeculates?
- You're too late, asshole. They took chrissy.
- Technically, she followed them through a portal,
no hesitation.
- Aw, fuck, I gotta move fast.
My litter'll corrupt her more than I ever could.
- Your litter? Oh, jesus.
How many of your shit kids are there?
- I don't know, hundreds, thousands.
I've been spreading my seed
since I was farted into existence.
- God, you're relentless.
Just show me where they took her.
- Those bastards hide out in the far ends of the demicorp.
Needle in a haystack.
The only way to track 'em down
is the labyrinth of stercus urino.
Makes the minoan labyrinth look like a corn maze.
If you can reach the center, it'll tell you any truth,
including where to find chrissy.
- Like a magical ask jeeves?
- Who's this generic brand van helsing?
- The loser we taught a lesson to at the taco chateau.
- The what? - A-are you serious?
You were inside of a chicken.
People were shooting their dicks off.
- Oh, yeah, the chicken, yeah, that was--that was fun stuff.
Anyway, when we get to the center of the maze,
we're gonna need a soul sacrifice.
- [whimpering] oh, no, no, no.
[whoosh]
chew: Yee-haw!
Vanessa: Welcome to the realm of primum flatus,
a place forgotten by time, and more importantly, him.
Bystander: Oh, look, someone's here.
- [groans/moans] ahh...
- Guess who's getting extra bat clit stew tonight?
- [gasps]
[dramatic music]
♪ ♪
are you telling me everyone here...
- Was sired by our father, yes.
- Wow, so that guy does not like condoms, huh?
- Hey, ho! Vanessa's back!
- And she brought our sister! Ha ha!
- Hiya, chrissy.
I'm millipede number 323, gwaelod realm,
conceived at a mud pit key party.
- This is klibguck 583 from wadkin,
richard kind from earth, yorke from ruddy-oh--
- ow! Sploogel, you stepped on my foot.
What's the matter with you? - That was entirely my fault.
I was excited to see our sister.
My b, brother richard.
- Not a problem, brother sploogel.
Arm in arm together.
- Arm in arm, together.
- Getting some real "wild, wild country" vibes here.
- I don't blame you for being skeptical.
Our father invented deception.
His poison once infected all of us.
But over time, we found and healed each other,
learned to live in harmony, and built this,
the village of the found,
the true anarchistic socialist utopia.
Unlike that libertarian asshole, we mean it.
- What's this?
Vanessa: The pile of stuff.
Here, we place our most cherished possessions.
Aw, brother yorke's first violin
and booties we made for millipede to keep him warm
his first winter here.
And that's my golden turd.
- Ah, this is...Something.
- This pile reminds us, although it took us time,
in this village, we found our place, our home.
- Hm, home.
[siren blaring] - furries are attacking!
To the west! - Chrissy, close to me.
Townsperson: They are coming! They are near!
- Furries, like yiff stuff? No judgment.
- No, they're ancient destructive creatures
who ravage our lands and have slain many of our brethren.
- All right, so what do you want me to do, explode them,
set them on fire? Vanessa: No, chrissy.
Our most important rule-- we don't kill here.
Selfishness, cruelty-- that's our father's way.
All we ask is you comply with our rules while you're here.
- I'm real sick of rules,
but no killing's okay, I guess.
[exciting music]
♪ ♪
[overlapping shouting]
[furries growling, snarling]
- uh, are you sure you don't want to kill these guys?
- Non-lethal force only. Let's go.
Ugh!
- Ugh!
Chew: [grunts]
rock wall!
- Wow.
Chew: Secrete that secretion! Yeah!
Chrissy: Go, yorke!
♪ ♪
- [snarling]
- this one's stubborn. - Perfect.
This is our chance. Bonds!
[chains rattling]
- [growling]
townsperson: Oh, no! Vanessa! - [snarling, growling]
chew: Watch out!
- Someone order some divine bonds, extra spicy?
Yorke: Oh, I love that pun!
- Chrissy, we've been trying to capture a furry for decades
but never had enough power to keep one chained,
no matter how many people had hands on it.
- Nor how many hands people had.
Yorke: Chrissy finally did it!
Three cheers for chrissy!
All: [chanting] kerple kerple kwa! Kerple kerple kwa!
Kerple kerple kwa!
- Uh, ha ha, okay, yeah. Kerple, baby.
- Oh, somebody just kill me, please.
- Not yet. Come on, fuckhead.
Stop dicking around.
Unshaven man: I cannot dick around!
- Oh, jesus, what the--
satan: Labyrinth rules-- no tools, no magic.
Only got our strength and our wits to get us through.
- God, well, it would have been nice to know that
before I swallowed a pile of bones.
Luduan: [deep, gravelly voice] behold me, the luduan,
spirit of this labyrinth.
Reveal to me your truth, and I shall show you mine.
- Fuck this. Left or right?
- Yeah, riddles are bullshit.
- Witness me in all my uselessness.
[cracking]
laura: Oh, holy fuck.
[speaking latin, voice echoes]
- and you always said I never listen.
- [growls]
satan: Fuck, he's s fast!
- It's my fault we're in this mess.
What kind of mom alienates her daughter
over a stupid dirty dish?
- Well, actually, we're in this mess
because I made chrissy go on a lethal rumspringa.
- Oh, you always have to one-up me.
[footsteps thudding]
- [growls]
- hey, asshole, I've seen bigger horns on pygmy goats,
you overgrown housecat.
- [growls]
[birds chirping]
- uh, ah! [thud]
- sick moves back there, baby.
- Never been an ancient maze
that could keep laura feinberg from the center,
no matter how convoluted.
- Insert g-spot joke here.
- Ugh. - [laughs]
- aaaaah!
[fireworks popping]
- then I said, break a leg? Which one?
[laughter]
- a toast to chrissy.
- A true de-light fer lighting up them bonds.
- [laughter] - vanessa: Double!
- You guys were so awesome, I pissed myself.
Dia, your giant fists, like, boom!
Millipede's fluid trap-- outta control!
- What can I tell you? I love secreting.
- We had to learn our strengths the hard way,
even though our father called us worthless duds
for lacking the power of the antichrist.
- He punished us for it.
Chew: He done rip my mama in two
once he figured I wasn't no antichrist.
Millipede: He abandoned me in a realm of poisonous vipers.
In order to survive, I ate every single one.
- [whimpers]
- I was a toddler and a vegetarian.
- We don't want anyone to suffer as we have.
- So that's why you won't kill those testes with teeth?
Dia: We passively battled them for decades, kept them at bay.
- But now that we've finally detained one,
we have a new goal-- rehabilitation.
- You really think you can rehab that?
Vanessa: We believe every creature is capable of change.
We were all, at one point, considered monsters.
- With you supercharging our divine bonds,
we can peacefully detain and reform them all.
- [growling]
- oh, uh, by the way, I made you something, chrissy.
- Whoa, you made this for me?
- Of course! You're family.
D what says family more than a doll likeness of yourself?
- Yeah, this could go on the pile.
Yorke: ♪ oh... ♪ dia: Yorke's singing!
Yorke: ♪ sit down, I'll tell a tale so foul ♪
♪ and fair and full of fervor ♪
♪ 'tis one you've never before ♪
♪ and one to look no further ♪
♪ I found myself beyond the path ♪
♪ beyond the realm of pwerkle ♪
♪ and that is where I first met her ♪
♪ the creature known as glerpo ♪
all: ♪ glerpo, glerpo, glerpo, yo ♪
♪ glerpo, glerpo, dah! ♪
[song echoes, fades]
- [humming glerpo song]
he-hey, mopo, how's it hanging?
- High and tight, chrissy.
- Soil's looking fertile, richard.
- Ah, thanks, chrissy. Dope harvest ahead.
- [speaking gibberish]
- [speaking gibberish] ooh!
- [chuckles] meow!
Looking good, little chrissy.
Vanessa: And so its fluoroantimonic
projection rate's down to 10.38 acidic discharge per etra.
And its public masturbation has halted.
You hear that, chrissy? A significant change.
- Last week, that thing was yanking it ten times a day.
Maybe rehabilitation is possible.
- Whoo! - Yeah!
- Tonight we can roll out the divine bond motherlode
to wrangle all the furries for rehabilitation
and at long last put an end to this war.
- All of them, here? [chuckles] tonight?
- Tonight, the war ends.
Kerple!
- Um, just throwing this out there, but, uh,
does anyone else think that summoning
a horde of acid-spewing scrotum monsters
to our home is a bit...Hasty?
- With your charge and our will,
we can accomplish anything, arm in arm together.
- [growls softly] - arm in arm together.
Right.
- Oh, hi, randall. How's tanya?
Did you tell her you got laid off?
- Dinner. Satan: How's it looking?
- Stay clear of zone 12.
Crow scouts reporting luduan movements there.
And zone 43 is all dead ends.
- I rescoped zone 80.
There's a path we haven't tried, a right past lava lake.
- Can't forget that left past lava lake.
- Puddin' brain over here fell into a pit
of carnivorous slugs.
Both: The slime! The teeth!
- What about when he shit his pants in the carcass room?
Remember that? - Stop making fun of me,
mom and dad. Satan: [laughing]
- all right, well, listen.
Maybe we should try your lead then.
Maybe this is it.
- We're going to get her back.
- [chewing]
if I got to listen to this fucking guy
chew with his mouth open one more time,
I'm finding a new soul sacrifice.
And I mean it this time!
- What are those?
- Found them this morning on the frumble trail.
Been looking for something to keep me regular,
and let me tell you, these are doing it.
- You fucking idiot! Those are lobanda nuts.
They give off the scent of young urlorooloos,
which are the main food source of--
- [growls] laura: Ah!
Oh, my god, I knew it.
- [growls]
darlene: I'm all for big romantic gestures, benny,
boom boxes outside of windows, kissing upside down,
a wet ryan gosling.
But listen, if laura hasn't found chrissy for weeks,
how do you expect to find chrissy?
I mean, look at that body.
- I have not and will not look at miss feinberg's naked body.
And I have to do this.
I haven't been able to stop thinking about how chrissy
felt like she had no one left.
Maybe I ignored her for too long.
I was hurt, but I didn't want to send her to her own doom
in some demonic timbuktu.
She's my friend. I have to set this right.
- I ever tell you you're incredibly self-examined
for a 13-year-old?
- I'm going to do my best and probably die trying.
Wish me luck.
You sure this is exactly how laura did it?
- Sure as sure can be sure.
[squawk]
- detrahet mi magicae terra!
- Oh, I just remembered laura uses her left hand
to slice the chicken.
Ah, I'm sure magic's ambidextrous.
- From my personal experience with criss angel, uh, yeah.
- Ooh, criss angel, wrap me up in your dirty hair.
I'd let him go ambidextrous on me all night.
[laughter]
how about a drink, huh?
- You don't have to ask me twice.
- Ho-ly
shiiiit! [echoing]
hello?
Chrissy? Miss feinberg?
Mr. Satan? Anyone?
- [eerie, guttural muttering]
- [screams]
the furries come ♪
- are you ready, richard?
- I was born ready, big sis!
[yorke singing in background]
chew: You got this, chrissy.
Chew: Oh, ho, ho! Way to go, chrissy!
- Yorke!
♪
- [snarling, growling]
satan: Shit! Wrong right!
That's the dark matter end!
We fall in. We cease to exist.
Luduan: There is no way to find truth
but through that which you seek.
[all screaming]
laura: Oh!
Uh, fuck.
Oh, my god. Holy shit.
Is this actually it?
- Look, I've had a hell of a life.
I've slayed an insane amount of poon,
like cosmically large amount of poon.
- God, point, get to the point!
- The point is, out of all of it,
the time we spent together was the least bad.
- Maybe that time wasn't the absolute worst
for me too, okay?
- My mission to kill the demon child was misguided.
I am not my genitalia.
A life can't be built around revenge,
especially against a girl
whose home life is so clearly dysfunctional.
- Yeah, we don't need him anymore.
- I'm kicking him the fuck off. - No--
laura: [screams]
whoa, whoa.
Luduan: Wow, just in the nick of time.
Congrats, you beat the labyrinth.
- What the fuck was that?
- I told you at the start,
reveal your truth to me, and I'll reveal mine to you.
- What you getting at? - Was it the poon thing? No.
[all growling]
- [yells] ah!
Yes, yes, yes.
[chains rattling]
- the plan is working.
Just keep him off richard, and we win this.
- [snarling]
- they're breaking through the line!
- The stage where yorke taught me chop suey!
Vanessa: Focus on the mission! Their numbers are thinning.
- Chew!
- Don't you fret! I got another.
- There's too many. We're losing.
They're never going to stop. - Snap out of it.
We almost have them. - We're losing our home.
[boom]
- not the pile. No!
- Chrissy, we need you here--
now!
- [grumbling]
- get away! Stop!
- [snarling, grumbling]
- I said stop!
Chew: Wait, no! Vanessa: Sister, stop!
This is not our way!
Chrissy: There was one over here.
- [screams]
chrissy: Richard!
Richard: Oh, no, the motherlode!
- [all screaming] - [growls]
resident: Ah! Help me!
Richard: What are you doing? Vanessa: Chrissy, no, please!
All we've tried to teach you, all we stand for.
- I have no choice.
The motherlode is gone.
If we don't destroy them, they will destroy us.
Richard: She's killing them! - Uh, no, no.
Please stop!
[dark music]
wait, chrissy.
Chrissy, wait!
- [muttering]
[thud]
- millipede! - What did you do, milly?
- Why? Why?
- Arm in arm...Together.
Ugh.
- What did you do? - I didn't mean to.
- I'll kill her! - No, come on, richard.
- Do you realize who she just killed?
- He jumped in front of me. - I'll rip her apart.
- No, richard! This is not who we are.
- I want to kill her. I want to rip her throat out.
- Brethren, please, we cannot let her
ego and violence taint our family
any more than it already has. - What?
No, I was just trying to save us.
The town was burning, and I had to do something.
- Our plan was working.
But now our siblings are dead, one by your hands.
You've ruined us more than the furries ever could.
We should have never brought you here.
You're just what satan designed you to be, a destroyer.
- No.
I know who I am.
I make my own choices, live for myself,
unlike all of you living your whole lives
as victims of our father.
And neither of my parents would have blown a fucking whistle
inviting monsters to tear our home
and family limb from limb.
- Please, just go.
[somber music]
♪ ♪
- [purring] - [paws thumping]
[bell ringing]
- okay, what truth do you want to know?
- Are you fucking kidding me? Satan: All that for this?
Don't we need to sacrifice this guy?
- What? Nah.
That's not part of this thing at all.
- I didn't know shit about this maze.
- Where's my daughter?
- At the residence of darlene garrity
in middletown, delaware.
- [laughs] that's where our bodies are.
Fuck, I love irony.
- She's listening to darlene tell a story
about how her bras are smelling different lately.
- She came back?
Unshaven man: Woo-hoo!
This really all worked out, huh, gang?
- Sure you don't need us to kill him?
Angel: Mm, bennigan aquino, [chuckles] second child
of dante and amalia, loves painting,
and movies where protagonists reveal
they were wearing bulletproof vests the entire time.
Hm?
- Oh, my goodness, are you...A fairy?
- Man, do I look like--
[chuckles] no, guess again,
a little bigger, a little holier.
- [gasps] an angel?
- [laughs] you're quick-witted.
I like that.
And that's exactly why we have chosen you
for a very specific job. - A job?
- Boss man wants you to be his little warrior.
- Me? A warrior?
[thud]
e underwire 'cause that was poking me.
- Chrissy?
Hey, sweetie.
I am so incredibly sorry.
- [sniffs] ugh, holy shit, you smell like rot.
Come on, give it back to me.
- Uh, okay, you smell like a hippie commune burnt down
and got washed away with vinegar?
Oh.
- The whole family's back together,
classic us, yucking it up.
- Get out now. Don't fucking look at me.
- So you need a little space?
- Outside, so you don't stain darlene's carpet.
- Leney, babe, ready for round 12?
I'll wear the ribbed morphsuit you--
- uh...
- Shit, well, cat's out of the bag.
We're fucking!
- Wanna come back with me for a bit,
unpack the journey we had? - Fuck you.
Satan: What? Come on. - Bend your head down
so I can make this quick.
- I thought the maze, you know, brought us closer.
- Uh-huh. What I said in the labyrinth doesn't count.
I don't think straight when I'm starving, you know.
- If you're still starving, I got something that could--
[schwing]
- not at all, snakey.
Closer to the top than ever before.
And I got a new angle to get chrissy--
through her mom.
- There's a fine line between love and hate, my friend.
[ominous music]
- no test tomorrow or any morrow.
Be free! Bennigan: Ha!
Well, that, uh, trip with your siblings
sure did change you, huh?
- Everyone wants me to be who they think I should be.
F that noise.
You can't straitjacket chrissy feinberg anymore.
I'm a little bit of everything.
I'm gonna be me, baby.
[chuckles] by the way, thanks for being cool and putting
everything behind us, yeah?
- Oh, uh, right, right, of course.
[chuckles awkwardly] hmm. [dog barks]
- [echoing] bennigan... I'm watching you.
I'm just a dog. Woof, woof.
- [laughing]
yorke: ♪ whoa, sit down, I'll tell a tale so foul ♪
♪ and bare and full of fervor ♪
♪ 'tis one you've never heard before ♪
♪ and one to look no further ♪
♪ I found myself beyond the path ♪
♪ beyond the realm of pwerkle ♪
♪ and that is where I first met her ♪
♪ the creature known as glerpo ♪
♪ oh, glerpo, glerpo, glerpo, yo ♪
♪ glerpo, glerpo, dah! ♪
unshaven man: Ah, a new home in middletown,
a new lease on life.
Now it's time to put my past in the rearview
and become something new, an average joe--
a former mercenary for the vatican
turned child killer, now just a regular guy.
You might see me around town filling a prescription,
buying loafers, or shopping for bakeware.
Who knows where and how often I might appear?
But I know one thing, those feinbergs
are going to keep getting into horrifying situations.
And if they need my assistance, I'm just around the corner,
as long as they don't try and sacrifice my soul again.
[chuckling] uh, it's an inside joke, and I deserved it.
Okay, where do I sign?