Are you joking?
Have you not got anything smaller, Stewart?
No.
HE SIGHS
You know, for a bloke with a wallet full of 50s,
you don't seem too happy. You don't want to talk to him.
He's thrown in with that lot. Bloody collaborator!
I will speak to who I want, Steven Parry.
I should have just said no, kept my head down.
Now this lot think I'm a scab and the other lot think I'm useless.
Well, you are.
Well, yeah, but I've never really had a species look down on me
as a whole, you know?
It doesn't feel great.
Sorry, mate.
Just ignore him.
They're just bored
because they can't bury their heads in Instagram.
PATRONS GROAN AND GRUMBLE
Of course.
Thank you.
What?I'm going to buy you a drink.
I'm going to get everyone a drink. Ah! Get lost, scab!
Your money is no good here!
Shithouse!
Three pints of bitter and six bags of Wotsits.
And some chilli peanuts.
We blow up the internet.
I love it. Let's go.
No, I mean, not literally blow it up.Oh.
I mean, we post a video...No.
..across social media...No.
..on the internet.No.
No, no, no, no. We are not turning that back on.
Why?
Because you have to control the flow of information.
Yeah, but you're not.
There's gossip and radio, and most of the telly is back on.
Now, look...Let him speak. Let him speak.
Look, you turn the internet back on and you can use it
to get your message out there.
You could have your own channel, or personal accounts, you know,
show people what you're really like.
You could have one, you could have one.
He could have a YouTube channel.
ELECTRICITY CRACKLES
OK, you get the idea.
But trust me, people miss the web. You know, really.
Just switching it back on makes you look good, you know?
And plus, it's free. You can do it today.
You wanted an easy win - this is it.
Hmm!
I would like to go on the record as saying this is a terrible idea.
OK.
But the record is just becoming you saying that about things.
Hmm.
What?Nothing. Nothing.
Think I was just expecting something a bit more high-tech.
Ah. No.
We like to keep the interface simple.
That does all the hard work.
If you say so.
Sorry?
Well, it's not exactly high-spec.
Well, it's about ten times more powerful
than computers on Earth,
and I mean ALL computers on Earth combined, so...
Will it run Call Of Duty? Of course it won't run Call Of Duty.
It's not designed to run Call Of Duty.
What's Call Of Duty?
It's a first-person warfare simulation game.
Well, these helped us take over your planet,
so we won an actual war, an interplanetary war, using this.
Just saying. The graphics card's not great.
So, flick of a switch
and we're going to have something up in the socials in no time.
Gordan, authenticate the order.
COMPUTER WHIRS
BEEPING, COMPUTER POWERS DOWN
What the...?
Problem?
Password?
Oh, yeah. I set you up with network logins, for security.
Security?
Our login is our DNA.
Exactly.
You just needed something a bit more secure.
Ah, Trater.
So, your password is capital J, seven, four...
You should write this down.
..ampersand, nine, underscore...
Was that an upper case i or a lowercase L?
How did you get to the moon?
PHONE CHIMES
WOMAN MOANS PLEASURABLY
Oh, yeah! MAN GRUNTS
HE LAUGHS
NAIL GUN CLACKS
What is that?
OK, can I get some levels?
Just say some words.
CHATTER IN BACKGROUND Um, violin.
All right.Cat. Bermuda.
NAIL GUN CLACKS Argh!Marmalade.
Ah!Oh, mate...
Argh!Argh!Ah! CLATTERING
Argh!
GROANING
Hermit crab.I'm OK.
HE GROANS My foot!Jesus.
Is he all right?
Yes, knowing our luck.
OK, so, are we good to go?
I mean, once we've, you know...
Yeah, I think we're, um... ..tidied all this up.
..good when you are.
CAMERA BEEPS
So, whilst the low-orbit super weapon
is still in a constant state of readiness
and trained on all of you all of the time,
we want you to think of us as your friends.
And that, for now, is that.
For now.
So, it's goodnight from all of us at Central Command,
or, as we say on my planet...
Ah, well, they've already translated it.
So, goodnight.
CAMERA BEEPS
Well, I think that broadly worked. It worked. Disseminate it.
Yeah. Yeah. Or...was it not just a bit long?
And again, the thing with the hands...
Disseminate it.Yeah.
It's my mother's birthday today. Hmm.
How old is she? One and a half aeons.
1.5. That's a good innings.
Bloody black spots.
Is she celebrating at all, or...? Good grief, no.
Hey! It's uploading.
Now we just, um, wait.
Well, a good day, I'd say, all in all.
Well done, Stewart.
The drinks got on me, as I believe you say.
Thank you. Um...
Actually, you haven't got anything smaller?
A tenner for two drinks. One is for you.
Keep the change.Oh, you seem jolly.
Yeah, a better day. A bit better, I think.
I saw the video.Yeah.
Didn't go exactly to plan, but... SHE LAUGHS
It didn't look planned.
No. No.
But, you know, if it gets the message out there,
then that's really what it's about. Behind that, were you?
Uh, yeah.
But not...not...
Brilliant.
Seriously, just brilliant.
Yeah.
Yeah. Thanks. Great.
Man of the moment, eh?
Yeah, I'm a pretty big deal.
Well, then maybe I should be buying you a drink.
Seriously?What?
Well, it's just that I've been coming here for nine years -
five if you're the police -
and you've never once given me a free beer.
Well, maybe I'm starting to see you in a different light...
..Stewart Connelly.
Are you coming up?
I don't know. You've had a drink. Maybe I shouldn't.
All right, I'll put this another way, right?
You're coming up.
OK, yeah. Great.Yeah? Yeah, great.Yeah. Come on, then.
Fuck.Stewart!
Sorry. Sorry!
Come here.
Let me just... I've always liked you, Elodie.
Yeah.Even in primary school.
Yeah.Um...
THEY GROAN IN DISGUST
What the hell is going on?
INDISTINCT MURMURING
We'd like a word with you, Stew.
Sorry.
The AAA.
"Yay, yay, yay"?
No, the AAA - Anti-Alien Alliance.
What's that?
It's our logo.
It's like an alien but it's also got three As on it.
There's only two.No, no.
There's a little one where the big ones intersect.
I don't think it work...It works!
Christ!
Anyway, sorry about all the cloak-and-dagger stuff,
but we had to get you alone.
So, what, you were just pretending to drink?No.
You just have a very low tolerance.
She's just a concerned human. We all are.
OTHERS MURMUR IN AGREEMENT
Those bastards killed a lot of people.
They blew up my country.
They murdered my nan.
My nan's sister.
Your great-aunt?
No!
Why do people keep saying that?
Right, my great-grandmother is my nan's mum,
so why would her sister be my great-aunt?
THEY ALL ANSWER AT ONCE
No, just shut up!
Christ!
The point is, we're fighting back.
And we need a man on the inside. Or a woman. Or a woman.
But it just so happens you're a man...
..as we saw. THEY LAUGH
Though, to be clear, we are an equal-opportunities militia.
Look, I'm sure you're a great resistance,
doing some great resisting,
um, but I just don't want to get involved.
No, no.
You already are, mate.
No, the job is temporary. I was blackmailed.
Well, I wasn't blackmailed. Uh...
I mean the video.
You already struck the first blow. HE LAUGHS
That bit when the light came down, I pissed myself.
THEY LAUGH What?
Yeah.So good.
GREGGS SCREAMS, CLATTERING
THEY LAUGH
Fuck.
Fuck. I've uploaded the wrong file.
Shit. I've got to go. I've got to go.
Can someone give me a lift?
OK.
Yeah, here's fine. Yeah.
Here's fine. I'll just get off. Yeah. Here's fine.
Yeah, thanks. Thank you. Yeah.
We'll be in touch.
Uh, don't. There's no point, so...
Uh, yeah. No, thank you. Psycho.
Hey, come on. That's it. You've got this.
HE STRAINS There we are.
HE SHRIEKS
Greggs!
There's been...
I think I'm going to take a break,
you know, for a bit, just get away for a few...
We'd like to have a word with you.
INAUDIBLE SPEECH
It's all very well saying... whatever it is you are saying,
but you have humiliated us,
and we really can't have that, can we?
What is he saying? INAUDIBLE SPEECH
I think he's saying "accident".
Or "excellent".
I don't think he'd be saying "excellent".
He is, like all of them, saying whatever he thinks
will stop me pressing "eject", which is futile.
You played us for fools, Stewart.
This cannot stand.
What?
Right.
Let's do this, shall we?
Are we absolutely sure about this?
I mean, it's just, up to this point,
Stewart seems to have been a pretty standout specimen.
INAUDIBLE SPEECH I like you, too.
He's undermined your command. We must be emphatic in our response.
Yes, true.
INAUDIBLE SPEECH
I might just turn around, though.
Oh, yeah.
Likes. INAUDIBLE SPEECH
HE CHUCKLES
Oh. Oh! Um...
What?
I think people like it.
"TBH, they seem like a bit of a laugh, LOL."
"Perhaps they not all W-@-nkers."
"Nkers"? Look, the numbers are going up.
Why would anyone like this? INAUDIBLE SPEECH
They're mostly stupid, the people,
and this makes us look stupid,
so maybe it somehow helps us seem more human.
INAUDIBLE SPEECH
Perhaps...
Perhaps he's still useful after all.
LOUD THUD
HE RETCHES
Does anybody want that, or...?
Is there a way to have the frothy one
without anything issued from the teat of a living mammal?
Oat milk.Oat. Yes, please.
Ooh, and a bap.
Um...
Tell me about stil-ton.
What is wrong with them?
SHE CLEARS THROAT
Morning.
You look a bit peaky. Yeah. Got a hangover, so...Mm.
Also, someone tried to flush me into space.
Different trousers?
Yeah.
Someone tried to flush me into space.
ELEVATOR CHIMES
Ah, there you are.
It would appear we have gone "viral".
That's TikTok, Insta, Facebook, top trend on Twitter.
YouTube's at 18.9 and counting. So, that's good?
Well, it's no Gangnam Style, but a solid Charlie Bit My Finger.
It's good.
Your Majesty.
Um, OK.
Someone from ITV.
Is that...? Is that good?
Bits of it.
UPBEAT MUSIC, AUDIENCE CHEERS
We are live, ladies and gentlemen!
That's right, we are back,
and tonight we have our first guest from an entirely different species.
AUDIENCE CHEERS
Well, at least since Nicolas Cage came on the show.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
So...have you travelled far?
Right. We all good in here?
Everyone knows the running order, yeah?
Your lot, are they OK?I'm not...
We're not...
No, we're fine. Thank you.
Oh, actually, can I just check?
Am I right in thinking I'm on
after Wet Pocket Feat EZ Rydas?
Uh, you?Mm-hm.
Look, the booking was only for the one actually in the video.
Yes, that's me.
No, the other one.
Oh.
HE SIGHS
Surely it's still good for PR.
Have you even met him? No, we're not the enemy.
Right. We're rulers.Yes.
Well, no, we're in charge. Not... Not rulers.
I mean, we're not overlords.
Well, we are, but it's a partnership.
Right.
Yeah. Equal partners. Well, not equal.
We've got the big gun.
But don't mention the gun.Right.
I think underline... Now, you listen to me.
You screw this up... ..and a fresh approach...
..I'll make you wish you'd never been hatched.
I don't care.....to all the things they do that are so stupid.
But don't say "stupid". Don't call them stupid.
..through a black hole, time itself will be sucked... Maybe unevolved.
..out of your anus... No. Backward. Oh, no.
..inside out, again and again... Focus on progress.
I think you should just be yourself, you know?
They're just...people.
Just picture everyone naked. I think that's what they say.
TRATER AND GORDAN CONTINUE TALKING OVER EACH OTHER
OK, we're three minutes out,
so if you could all just leave him to make-up.
Yeah.
Thank you.
Uh...
You got this, mate.
Thanks...
..mate.
So, it's safe to say you've had a very interesting week,
have you not?
Yes.
Uh, no.
Have I not?
No, I have.
COUGHING IN AUDIENCE
Can you repeat the question?
I'm just saying that your face has been everywhere this week
with that incredible clip.
Ladies and gentlemen, have you seen the video?
AUDIENCE:Yeah! THEY CLAP
What we all want to know is, how did that come about?
I shot myself in the foot.
LAUGHTER
What are the chances?
Well, I've shot a lot of things before,
but never me.
LAUGHTER
Mainly people. AUDIENCE GASP
When we arrived, I shot quite a lot of people.
AUDIENCE EXCLAIM, WHISPERING
Right.
Yeah, about that,
do you think the video has changed public perceptions
of you as a species?
I suppose it's made us seem less scary and more stupid.
Not stupid.
No. No, we can be stupid. We shouldn't call you stupid.
You're backward. AUDIENCE EXCLAIM
You should be naked.
Can I see you naked?
SHE GASPS
I've got a gun.
Don't mention the gun. Shit. Left it on my desk.
That's all we have time for, ladies and gentlemen.
Let's all give it up for Greggs...here.
Yeah. SCATTERED APPLAUSE
Is that your real name?
Uh, no. No.
Actually, my real name is...
BOTH:No!
FLATULENCE AND SQUELCHING, AUDIENCE SCREAM
OVER VIDEO CALL: I mean, what the hell?!
I know, I know. It was... It was non-ideal.
You made us look like big bag of cocks.
SHE SPEAKS ANGRILY
Yes, I know.
It reflects on us all, and it has been dealt with.
But it keeps happening!
Well, I mean, we felt that... I mean, what we thought...
Um, what we felt, um, PR...
I think what Premier Trater is trying to say
is we greatly regret this sorry episode
and are placing tighter controls on the dissemination of information
and, well, everything.
SHE SPEAKS ANGRILY
Well, starting...
Um, now! SHE CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY
Right now.
It wasn't his fault.
I know, but we can't look weak.
Where there is weakness, there will be people to exploit it.
But we've already won, remember?
Have we?
What's that?
Is that...? Is that two As?
I'm not sure, but it's everywhere.
Best guess, rebels.
But what do they want? To take back control.
Oh!
Jesus Christ!
How did you get in? Back window. It was open.
THEY ALL SPEAK AT ONCE No, it wasn't.It wasn't.Hey? I broke in. Sorry.Oh, right.
Apparently, we smashed the window. Oh.
THEY ALL SPEAK AT ONCE Hey?I broke a vase.
Oh.
And we broke a vase.
I did say we should wait in the van.
What do you want?Information.
Rumour has it you've been to the mothership.
Yeah, they were going to throw me out of it,
if that's what you mean. Yeah, but you've seen the inside.
Yeah, only of an airlock. They'll have plans.
Oh, what did you say, pantsuit?
Uh, they'll have floor plans to the mothership
saved in the system.
He has access to the system.
I recognise you.
Were you in Line Of Duty?
I...
I was the Minister for Defence.
That's right. In Line Of Duty.
In the government.
Yeah, well, not any more.
You're just here to observe, so pipe down.
But, yeah, you will need to get us those plans.
How?
Why?
Because if we can get a complete technical readout of the ship,
we may be able to find a weakness... and exploit it.
There may be a small thermal exhaust port
that leads directly to the reactor core.
A precise strike could start a chain reaction.
Isn't that the plan from Star Wars? Uh, I don't think so.
It sounds really similar. It definitely is.
Well, I-I haven't seen Star Wars, so it can't be.
All I know is we've got to show these blue bastards
that they can't just waltz in here and make themselves at home!
Hello. Don't mind me. Just going to my room.
Oh!
What a day, Stewart. Honestly. It dragged and dragged.
Hi.
Hi. Hi.
Hi.
It's not... It's not what it looks like.
They moved... They moved him in, so I didn't have a choice.
Sorry. HE CHUCKLES
Me again. Hello. Um, Stewart, sorry.
Who's this?
This is...
These are mates.
Mates? Cool!
Hello. I'm... I'm Greggs.
I'm... I'm Stewart's mate.
Wade. Wayne! No, no. Dan. Dan. Yeah, Dan.
OTHERS:Dan.Danny.Daniel.Daniel.
Anyway, we should be heading... No, don't be daft.
No. No, no, no, no. Stay! Stay! No, really...
No, no, no, no. You must... You must have a drink.
We're all... We're all mates here.
I think I've got a bottle of Arcalien still somewhere.
No, really, we should be... Oh, no. Shush.
No, really... We should be...Sh.
No, no, no, no, no!
He's living in the bloody house!
Don't. Don't.
Oh, no.Honestly, we need to be... We...
Oh, come on.No, no...Just one.
Ooh!
We like one each.
Yeah.Really?No, no. Honestly...
Honestly... Trust me.
One each.
Stew? Stewart?No.Your funeral.
Uh, no. I'm not...OK. Oh, OK.
Well, right, to mates.To mates.
Eugh!Eugh!
That's...Eugh!Oh, no, that's absolutel...
DANCE MUSIC PLAYS # I like it a lot... #
Argh! Hoo-hoo!
IN SLOW MOTION: What did you do?
HE LAUGHS
DANCE MUSIC PLAYS
DANCE MUSIC STOPS
There's no music.Ah!
What is this stuff? I'm not talking to you.
Why? Cos of your stiffy?
No. Because you lied.
I did what I had to do. The world's changed, Stewart.
We've been invaded by aliens.
Oh, I didn't spot that.
It's just, they're trying to live alongside us peacefully.
So why are they in charge, then? I don't know.
But we are where we are, and there's no point crying about it.
We're not crying about it.
We're fighting back. Well, leave me out of it.
I don't want to take sides. It's not about taking sides.
It's about standing up for what's right,
and if you can't see that,
then I have to wonder who's side you're on.
I wouldn't...
I own a pub, Stewart. I think I can handle it.
SHE COUGHS
Whoo!
Come on, dance with me!
There's no music.Dance with me! There isn't any music.
Come dance with me! There isn't any music.
Oh, fine.
I think she wants to be mates -
not mates like we're mates, but, like, mate-mates.
She wants you to spray her eggs...
All right. Yeah, yeah.
Is this stuff OK for humans to drink?
What?
Oh... Ah!
Can you please put that somewhere safe?
Yes, I know...Gordan.
Overreaction.
Ah!
Jesus, relax, man. Relax.
It's all good. Forget what I said before.
Forget it. Forget all about it.
You know... Pff! Gone.
Oh, really?Yeah.Oh, good.
Thank God...
..until tomorrow, when you're going to give me those plans!
Your little blue friend there is
going to learn all about the sort of people
that you like to pwarty... party with.
"Pwarty with"?Party with. Party with. Party with!
But not for now. Not for now.
No, no, no, no, no. Enjoy the night.
Have a drink. Go crazy. All right?
I don't think I'm going to have a drink.
You should really try some of that alien shit.
Really messes with your concept of time.
HE LAUGHS
Oh, fuck.
MUSIC: Where's Your Head At by Basement Jaxx
CHEERING AND LAUGHTER
Whoa!
Am I already here?
Yeah.
LAUGHTER AND CHATTER
When did we get chips?
CHEERING AND LAUGHTER
DISTANT AND DISTORTED CHEERING
# Don't let the walls cave in on you
# We can live on Live on without you
# Don't let the walls cave in on you... #
HE LAUGHS What are you doing here?!
LAUGHTER BECOMES DISTORTED
# We can live on Live on without you... #
HE WHIMPERS
Argh! Argh!
We should get chips!
CHEERING
# You turn the world away from you... #
ALL:Surprise!
# Where's your head at?
Where's your head at? #
MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY
PHONE VIBRATES
Oh!
Right. My turn.
OVER LOUDSPEAKER: This is a Territory 78 announcement.
Entry only given by DNA...
Halt. Who goes there?
"Who goes there"?That is what they say. That is what they say. Never heard one say that.
Oh...Sorry, what's going on here?
New security protocols. Gordan's orders.
There's a list and everything.
What, seriously?Yeah. No, it's all been tightened up.
He's got us on double shifts. No-one's happy about it.
We wanted to go to Cromer today. I really want to see a crab.
Yeah.But why?
Well, I heard that they walk sideways
and they've got these snippy little fingers that they use...No.
No. Why all this?
This is a bit awkward, eh? You're not cleared.
I can't... I can't tell you.
I'm adviser to the Premier.
Yeah, well, according to this, your security clearance is green.
So...Red.What?He's red.
No, that's what I pointed at. There.
That's red.That is green.
Look at it.Are you colour-blind? Well, I just...
How are you seeing green? Do you know...?
Yeah. Can I just...? Can I just...?
Yeah, sorry. Sorry. I'll just squeeze past you.
OK. All right. Look, I'm picking... Right, what is that? What is that?
See that there? What colour is that? The one in the middle?
Yeah, the middle. Yeah. What colour is that?
Red. HE LAUGHS
Wow!
Actual wow.
I'm worried about you, I'm actually worried about you.
Worry about yourself.What?
You've got two problems - your eyesight and your attitude.
Morning!
What's going on?
Well, thanks to your disastrous foray into live television,
the Sector Premier has finally seen sense.
Territory 78 will henceforth be ruled with an iron fist -
my iron fist -
and I am very much looking forward to doing a lot of iron fisting.
That doesn't mean what I think you think it means.
Silence, Earthling!Yeah.
You're playing in my sandpit now,
and you can forget your social media, your free speech.
There will be a single broadcast channel
to disseminate state-approved information -
approved by me...
TRATER CLEARS THROAT
..and our glorious leader.
OK. Yeah, I get it.
You're... You're pissed off.
But this isn't how you get folk on your side.
They won't take this from you.
You're so right.
They won't take it...
..from me.
Your first broadcast will be tomorrow.
I've taken the liberty of preparing your script.
Feel free to scroll through.Jesus!
I look forward to ignoring your thoughts.
No way. I won't do it. Let me put it another way.
It's my way or the die way.
That's...
That's not a phrase.
It is now.
HE EXHALES