MUSIC: Left Hand Free by alt-J
# Ain't shady, baby I'm hot like the prodigal son
# Well, your left hand's free And your right's in grip
# With another left hand... #
Hey! Here he is.
Hey!Man of the moment.
How was it?
Erm, yeah, good.
Er, great. Bang-on, actually.
So, what did you say?
Oh, you know, sort of, questions about jobs.
The job. Er, answers from me.
Er, a bit of back and forth.
Yeah, you didn't go, did you? No, n-not entirely. No.
Oh, Stew. Look, I lined you up for that one.
Oh, I'm sorry. Just...
I don't think that local planning officer
is a natural career step for me.
You're a junior local planning officer.
Yeah, junior - and I like that.
You know, there's no pressure or politics,
or your big meetings upstairs.
Look, it's normal to fear change. I don't fear change.
Right, what are you having?
Just the usual.
Actually, do you know what?
I will go for a Scrumpy Pumpy, please.
Yeah? For a change.
Are you sure? It's 8%.
I'll just go with the mild.Yeah.
HE CHUCKLES
Right, then. Come on.What?
She might still be there.
No, but I don't want... HE SIGHS
I don't want the bloody job.
Come on!Robbie!
It's more money. Yeah, it's more hassle.
You know, can't we just grab some tins, go over to the castle?
No, we're not 15 years old any more.
Look, you've got to start doing something with your life.I know.
I will. But just not right now.
When, then? What?
I don't know. I'll just see what happens.
This is Clitheroe, Stew.
Nothing happens.
LOUD EXPLOSION, SCREAMING
WHIRRING
What the fu...?!
HE GASPS
HE BREATHES HEAVILY
HE SIGHS
HE EXHALES HEAVILY
ON TV:..And with China finally surrendering,
all nations on Earth are now formally under alien control.
..and an enlarged cranium,
suggesting superior intelligence and...
I just think we are where we are, and everyone just needs
to stop moaning and get on with it.
The time has come to make peace with a new reality,
a new regime here in Great Britain.
Territory 78.
..is of course leading on from the rumours
that our Gu'un leaders may want to govern from outside of London.
Most digital signals remain blocked.
We continue to broadcast on the old analogue network.
Time to lay down our weapons,
dry our eyes, and get back to our lives.
TV SWITCHES OFF
LOUD WHIRRING
ELECTRICITY BUZZES Argh!
ALARM BLARES IN DISTANCE
MUSIC: Human by The Killers
# I did my best to notice
ELECTRICITY BUZZES Ah, shit!
# When the call came down the line
# Up to the platform of surrender
# I was brought but I was kind
# And sometimes I get nervous
# When I see an open door
# Close your eyes Clear your heart
# And cut the cord
# Are we human
# Or are we dancer?
# My sign is vital
# My hands are cold
# And I'm on my knees looking for the answer
# Are we human
# Or are we dancer? #
Freeze!
How is this a door?!
And how do you slow down a Nissan?
LOUD EXPLOSION Ah!
Clitter-oh-ee.Clitter-oh-ee.
Clitheroe.
Hm.Yeah.
Look, you can't run the country from here. It's too...
Why have YOU got your hands up?
Why have you got YOUR hands up?
So you don't shoot me.
Oh, I thought it was a greeting.
Oh. THEY CHUCKLE
No, it's all right. We're not going to shoot you.
He's right. That did it.
Ah! Well, thank you.
Look, you can't run the country from here.
There's no motorways, the Internet is crap, parking is a nightmare...
He's very whiny. Can't we just shoot him a bit?
The thing is, Clithero...oo...
Clitheroe.
..is the geographical centre of the landmass.
I mean, you can't run an island territory from down in one corner.
I mean, imagine how disenfranchised the people over in, erm, er...
No.No. Well, you take my point.
Which is why we're moving Central Command from Lon-don...
Lon-don...to, well...
..here.
Here.
Can you eat this?
I wouldn't.
Is that a no?
You run the country from the capital -
that's just how it works. Understood.
Make a note - Clitheroe is now the capital.
What? No, t-that's not what I mean. Er...
He's right.
It's almost too spicy.
Is there anything else we should know?
ELEVATOR BELL DINGS
..just stopped going to the office, really,
or, you know, they took up drink, or drugs, or both, actually.
A lot went up to the hills. Erm...
I do wish you'd all stop acting so surprised.
Surprised?! You invaded our planet! Arrived.
We arrived at your planet.
And to be fair, we were invited. No, you weren't.
You were sending out radio signals.
And then, there was that probe... Voyager.
Yes, I mean, literally had a map of how to get here on the side.
So, you know, we pop round,
and next thing, you start firing things at us.
You blew up New Zealand. Only the edges.
That's where all the people were. Oh!Greetings!
Oh, hello.
Er, hi, June.
It's OK. They're just...
There's been a change in management.
All right?
LOUD THUD Ow!
Yep. There we go. Yeah, I've seen it,
but I think it's just another finger.
No, no, no. I'm telling you...
HE GRUNTS ..it's the penis.
Then why was it pointing at me?
Huh?
There you go. Done.
Do you know what the round bits are for?
I heard if you give them a gentle squeeze...
Ah... HE CHUCKLES
SHE CHUCKLES
Do we draw lots?
Yep, or there's always, I don't know...
..rank.
Military rank, or...?
I think Earth rank... now we're here.
Hm.Hm.
You could still get your own territory, you know,
if you'd just learn a little diplomacy.
SHOUTS:Fuck... THEY GASP
..diplomacy!
And there's the issue.
Morning.
You know the species.
Is there any way to make large numbers of them
immediately like you?
HE EXHALES Erm...
Tea.Oh.
Thank you.
Tea?Oh.
Thank you.
Tea!
Tea.
Th-Thank you.
So, the sun is going to explode.
HE SPLUTTERS What?
Oh, not now. In about eight billion years.
But it will eventually expand into a super-heated red giant
that will consume the Earth in a gas-fuelled inferno
of competing nuclear reactions.
Jesus.Yes, it's very upsetting.
And we know that, because that's what happened to our planet, Gu'ua,
which is why we've spent several decades searching
other galaxies for a planet with a breathable atmosphere,
and having finally found one,
well, long story short, we're not going anywhere.
So, we're stuck with you.
Well, we could have just vaporised you all.
Oh, well, let's not... That got my vote.
The message is, "We come in peace."
Look, and we really do want to rub along with you guys as best we can.
The problem is that as a species, you're so...
Simple...complicated.
Yes, very, very basic,
but at the same time, utterly baffling.Are we?
Well, you're all terrified of death,
yet your favoured mode of transport literally pumps out poison.
So, to help you,
we dis-incentivised the use of internal combustion engines...
The electric shocks?
And somehow we're the bad guys?! THEY CHUCKLE
People have got to get about.
Yes, that's it right there.
You're so desperate to live your lives
that you're prepared to die to do so.
Free country.
It's fascinating.
No concept of collective responsibility.
Or he might just be thick.
No, no. I believe this is how they think, and he's just saying it.
They didn't do that in Lon-don.
I can hear you.
I'd like to offer you a job as a consultant
to help us understand the indigenous population.
No, no. What you need is someone from London, or upstairs.
Or upstairs in London. No, no. We've tried that.
We've had quite enough of experts.
What we need is the common-sense outlook of the man on the street,
just while we find our feet.
I really appreciate it,
but I just want to do my hours, get my head down...
The paper! The paper!
Would you like the colourful paper? No, it's not a...
Christ, that's a lot.
Erm, it's not about the money.
It's... It's about...
A dwelling, then.
We could give you a dwelling.
Since we arrived, some lovely domiciles have been, erm...vacated.
You mean like a house? To keep?
To keep. And for just a few weeks' work.
A couple of quick wins human-relations-wise,
and you can go back to doing... well, whatever it is you do.
Can I think about it?Of course.
To thinking about it.
Er, yeah. To...thinking about it.
The milk is off! The milk is so off!
There you go.
Oh, cheers.
Thanks.
What's that?
I found it. Out there.
It was Robbie's.
Are you sure?
Yeah, I bought him that belt.
Oh, shit.
Erm, OK, well, I mean, shouldn't...? Maybe you should keep a hold of it.
No, no, no. That's ancient history now.
He'd want you to have it.
Would he?
Well, I know he'd rather not have been crushed to death
by a giant ball, but here we are.
They offered me a job.
Who?The Blue Man Group.
I mean, after everything they've done? No way.
Stewart...
Stewart, we all work for them now, right?
But we don't all get to make a difference.
What would he say?
COUPLE ARGUE NEXT DOOR
HE EXHALES
Hello...! Oh!
Oh, s-sugar! Sorry. I didn't know it did pictures.
CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING
Got you, you bastard.
Was there something you wanted?
Er, yeah... CREAKING
I'm in.
HE EXHALES
HE CHUCKLES
HORN HONKS OUTSIDE
Actually, could I drive?
I think I'm getting the hang of it.
HORN AND ALARM BLARE
HE GROANS
I know what I did that time.
Yeah.
Hm, what to have, what to have?
It all just sounds so awful.
Bap'n'brew. WOMAN:What?
Bap'n'brew.
Just four bacon butties and four teas to go, please.
Thank you.
Greetings.
Hm.
Well, this is nice.
Er...s-sorry, can you tell...?
Actually, I don't know any of your names.
Ah, yes. Well, we tend not to use our names down here on Earth.
I mean, there's an issue, you see.
The resonant frequency of our native tongue,
combined with the atmospheric pressure of your planet means that
if we say our Gu'un names out loud,
you'd, erm...well...
You'd shit yourself.
Sorry?Physically.
You would void your bowels, violently and comprehensively.
But you may refer to us by rank.
Sector Premier, Sector Sub-commander,
underling, third-class.
Right.
Erm, it's just that, you know, if you guys want to fit in,
maybe you should get something a bit more normal.
You know, human.
Yes! Wonderful idea.
Humans, tell me, what names do you go by?
Tracy.
Peter.Hm.
What lovely noises.
Tracy and Peter.
Tracy, Peter, Trace, Peter, Tra, Peter, Tra...
Trater. I shall be Trater. That...that has another meaning.
Oh, thank you.
You! HE GASPS
Name.
Gordon.
I...am Gordan!
OK. Yeah, great. And then, you can be, erm...
Greggs.
Great. Yeah. Greg.
Erm, Greg...Greggs.
It's not...it's not really a name.
It is.
I've seen it everywhere.
OK. Right. Yeah, so, erm, Greggs, Trater...Mm-hm.
..and Gordon.
Gor-dan.
WOMAN:Four baps to go.Ah.
GREGGS:I'm quite full, actually.
Oh, dear. Cheers. Thank you.
Oh, after you, Gordan.
No, no. You first, Trater.Trater!
THEY CHUCKLE
HE LAUGHS
Erm, not their real names. Their real names are...
FLATULENCE AND SQUELCHING, PEOPLE SHOUT AND GROAN
You all right?Yep.
Yeah. I'm fine.
Another one?
Would you like a purple one?
See? You all love it.
Money? Of course we do.
Exactly!
So, let's just print loads of it, give everyone lots and lots.
Everybody loves us,
and we all live together in peace and harmony.
And that's lunch.
Wait. Er, wait.
I don't know what it is, but there's some reason...
I think I read somewhere or I saw something about
why that doesn't work.
I think you always have to take money from somewhere else.
You can't just...make it?
Er?
Well, where do you get it from?
I think there's, like, a...a pot.
A pot?
Do you know who you should talk to? The...
What's his name? The Chancellor.
Ah.
Erm... HE CHUCKLES
..he's, erm...
Unavailable.
Hm.
Oh, the numbers. Didn't we find some numbers?
There. The numbers.
So, what do you think?
Me? I don't know. I'm not an accountant.
Well, speaking as our man on the street, I mean,
if we have to get this money from somewhere,
what here don't you need?
Oh, that's a big number. What's "nhssss"?
NHS - not that. What about that one? That's huge.
Wrong column. That's national debt.Hm.
That feels like a problem. Er, oh.
Well, I suppose now you lot are in charge of everywhere,
there's always a...
Right. That should do it.
So, Internet's back on?
Oh, is it? Well done.
You mean what I was doing? InTRAnet - completely different.
I've basically patched their servers into ours,
so you can talk to the other Smurfs.
Right, budge up.
Now, for video calls,
you need to keep an eye on the Wi-Fi,
cos our routers are horseshit.
There's no signal down there,
none in that corner, and none down there.
SHE GRUNTS
I've been trying to get high-speed fibre in here for years,
but there's never the budget.
Well, we'll see what we can do.
SHE SNORTS Yeah, good luck with that.
Well, we're in charge now, so... Heard it all before.
No, we literally run the entire world.
If you say so, hon'.
Now you're connected. Try not to break it.
We're having trouble fully charging our pulse weapons.
We can only get about 240V. That's all there is.
You're not on Krypton any more, dude.
Er, she does know we're in charge, yes?
Yeah. She just...she works in IT.
INCOMING CALL ALERT PLAYS
SHE CLEARS THROAT
RUSSIAN ACCENT:Strozvicha. Oh, hey, guys!
Good to see you.Hello!
Oh, sorry. That's a local greeting. It's not.
Hey, how's things over there in 88? 78. Territory 78.
Purely in terms of landmass, which I do wonder,
is that really the best way to structure the hierarchy of...?
Hey, I mean, it keeps things simple. It's numbers. Just numbers.
Right. Yes.
It's just, there was some talk here
of some kind of a special relationship.
Hadn't heard that.
Oh, well, I mean, it's probably just... Ah!
So, what do you want talk about?
Well, in a word, missiles. Did you find one of these things?
You know, we did.
Where the hell did I put it? Da, for the nuclears...
Cory? Thank you.
That's what's in there? You gave him that?
It's only nuclear.
It's not like it's a particle disrupter.
THEY LAUGH
Whoa!Oh! THEY LAUGH
Thanks, buddy. Look at that.
Yes, I think there is still a few left in barrel.
Yes. These missile things cost an awful lot of the colourful paper.
What?! For this?! But are...are just nuclears.
Well, paper we could all be spending elsewhere.
So, I was thinking,
since we collectively run the whole planet now,
do we really need them, nuclear missiles?
Yes, good point. You know, that's a great point.
I don't know that we do. So, we could just get rid of them?
Absolutely.Hey, why not?
What you say you guys get rid of yours,
and then, once that's done, we'll get rid of ours.
Yes. And then us.
Yeah! Or you two first, and then, us.
It doesn't matter.
You know, whoever first, and then whoever next,
and then, you know, us.
Yeah, we'll hammer out the details.
Great. Well, good to talk to you.
See you later, alligator.
Cory taught me that.
Well, I'd say this calls for a celebration.
Teas all around? Or something stronger.
I'll leave out the bovine mammary excretion.
Oh, is that what that was?
Sorry, what are we celebrating? The colourful paper.
Did you not hear? Yeah, but nothing was decided.
They just sort of, like, fobbed you off. There's still no money.
Where's the money?
Well, you tell us.
It was your idea.
No, it was her idea. I just tried to make it work.
Well, if there are other ideas...
Yes, you wanted the job.
No, I didn't.
Well, you've taken the house and the colourful paper,
so I'd say you're very much part of the team.
It's only one little thing, Stewart.
We just want all humans to like us.
So, come on.
What's your big idea?
OK, OK.
We've all had a really long day,
and I think we all need to shed our skins,
so let's pick this up in the morning
when I'm sure Stewart here will be brimming with inspiration.
Of course. Of course.
Very open to that idea.Ah.
Wide open...
..like my airlock door.
Sleep well.
HE SIGHS
THUD OF FOOTSTEPS
DOOR OPENS
Ah!Argh!Argh!Argh! What's wrong?
What are you...? What are you doing?
What are you doing in my house?
Gordan told me to keep an eye... keep you company.
So...
Yay!
Housemates.
HE SIGHS
What's that?Leave it.
Subtitles by Red Bee Media