1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:03,845 - ♪ Now as our poor young lungs deflate ♪ 2 00:00:03,943 --> 00:00:07,882 ♪ I'll admit I've gotten older ♪ 3 00:00:07,981 --> 00:00:13,488 ♪ Mellowed out, chatting up those I used to hate ♪ 4 00:00:13,587 --> 00:00:16,090 ♪ ♪ 5 00:00:16,189 --> 00:00:20,462 ♪ The feeling that we're lost will always fade ♪ 6 00:00:20,560 --> 00:00:24,666 ♪ I present no explanations ♪ 7 00:00:24,764 --> 00:00:28,270 ♪ Can't expect our tired patience ♪ 8 00:00:28,369 --> 00:00:32,441 ♪ To satiate for long ♪ 9 00:00:32,538 --> 00:00:36,278 ♪ Therein lies a truth we can sip when we want ♪ 10 00:00:36,376 --> 00:00:40,515 ♪ Disciples of the flow, we can float anywhere ♪ 11 00:00:40,614 --> 00:00:42,784 ♪ ♪ 12 00:00:42,883 --> 00:00:44,953 [school bell rings] - Hi, kids. 13 00:00:45,052 --> 00:00:46,821 I hope you're having a large day. 14 00:00:46,920 --> 00:00:49,057 Listen, I have some very exciting news. 15 00:00:49,156 --> 00:00:50,725 Just like most stadiums, 16 00:00:50,824 --> 00:00:53,395 we've sold the naming rights to our school, 17 00:00:53,494 --> 00:00:55,063 so starting today, 18 00:00:55,161 --> 00:00:57,932 we're no longer Shady Oaks Elementary, 19 00:00:58,031 --> 00:01:01,069 but rather Henderson Consulting Elementary. 20 00:01:01,168 --> 00:01:03,805 And our mascot is no longer the Squirrels... 21 00:01:03,904 --> 00:01:05,774 - What? - But the Consultants. 22 00:01:05,873 --> 00:01:07,676 So go, Consultants. 23 00:01:07,774 --> 00:01:09,778 - What the fuck is this? 24 00:01:09,876 --> 00:01:11,441 - Okay, kids, let's get some 25 00:01:11,545 --> 00:01:14,516 Henderson Consulting energy out here. 26 00:01:14,615 --> 00:01:16,050 Tom, I-I need a word. - Oh. 27 00:01:16,149 --> 00:01:17,886 - Come here. - Hey, what's up, Coach? 28 00:01:17,985 --> 00:01:21,022 - Listen, Tom, a rep from Henderson Consulting is here, 29 00:01:21,120 --> 00:01:23,592 and he wants to speak with you. - A rep? Why me? 30 00:01:23,690 --> 00:01:25,093 - Listen, I don't know. I mean, he said, 31 00:01:25,191 --> 00:01:26,728 "I need to speak with the goofy-looking idiot," 32 00:01:26,826 --> 00:01:28,062 and I assumed it was you. 33 00:01:28,161 --> 00:01:29,531 - Sounds like someone else, though. 34 00:01:29,629 --> 00:01:30,932 - Okay, Tom, look alive. Here he is. 35 00:01:31,031 --> 00:01:33,668 Hank, this is Tom, the--the goofy idiot. 36 00:01:33,767 --> 00:01:35,236 - Hey, I'm Tom. - You're Tom. 37 00:01:35,330 --> 00:01:37,972 T-O-M or T-H-O-M? - [stammers] 38 00:01:38,071 --> 00:01:40,041 - How do you spell it, Tom? How do you spell your name? 39 00:01:40,140 --> 00:01:42,043 - T-O-M, T-O-M. - Tom, I'm Hank. 40 00:01:42,143 --> 00:01:43,812 H-A-N-K. - Okay. 41 00:01:43,910 --> 00:01:45,780 Listen, we've been watching you in gym class, 42 00:01:45,879 --> 00:01:48,650 and we're a little concerned. - Concerned. Why? 43 00:01:48,748 --> 00:01:50,419 - Tom, when Henderson Consulting 44 00:01:50,518 --> 00:01:52,253 bought this gym, your childhood ended. 45 00:01:52,353 --> 00:01:53,588 - Doesn't sound fun. 46 00:01:53,687 --> 00:01:55,056 - When you step onto that gym floor, 47 00:01:55,154 --> 00:01:57,191 it's a reflection on our brand. - Oh. 48 00:01:57,290 --> 00:01:59,661 - It's not just "ha ha ha, heh heh heh" anymore, okay? 49 00:01:59,759 --> 00:02:01,663 - Okay. - We need you to embody 50 00:02:01,761 --> 00:02:03,465 our corporate values-- 51 00:02:03,563 --> 00:02:05,133 confidence, strength, integrity. 52 00:02:05,231 --> 00:02:07,201 - All right, I'll just, uh, dial up the, uh, confidence 53 00:02:07,301 --> 00:02:08,537 and try to be strong. 54 00:02:08,635 --> 00:02:09,904 - That sounds like lip service to me. 55 00:02:10,003 --> 00:02:11,906 Trying to end this conversation, Tom? 56 00:02:12,000 --> 00:02:14,208 - I just want to play kickball. - Just try to step it up, okay? 57 00:02:14,307 --> 00:02:15,977 Or we're gonna need to downsize you from the gym. 58 00:02:16,076 --> 00:02:17,612 - You're gonna fire me from gym? 59 00:02:17,711 --> 00:02:19,180 - We don't call it that, but, yes. 60 00:02:19,279 --> 00:02:21,816 In effect, we'd be canning you from gym. 61 00:02:21,915 --> 00:02:23,918 - Nelson, could I ask you a question? 62 00:02:24,017 --> 00:02:25,954 - Sure, buddy, anything. - Do you think I exude 63 00:02:26,052 --> 00:02:27,856 confidence, strength, and integrity? 64 00:02:27,954 --> 00:02:29,223 - Nope. - Just nope? 65 00:02:29,322 --> 00:02:31,560 Flat-out nope? - Yeah. Absolutely not. 66 00:02:31,659 --> 00:02:33,428 - Yeah, I agree with Nelson on this one. 67 00:02:33,527 --> 00:02:34,729 - Wait. What? 68 00:02:34,828 --> 00:02:36,298 - Yeah, I'd say you exude weakness... 69 00:02:36,397 --> 00:02:37,766 - No. - Fear... 70 00:02:37,864 --> 00:02:40,001 - No one asked about-- - And a feebleness. 71 00:02:40,100 --> 00:02:41,503 - We didn't solicit your opinion. 72 00:02:41,602 --> 00:02:43,037 - Tom, I'm sorry. I have to barge in. 73 00:02:43,137 --> 00:02:44,306 - No. Not now. 74 00:02:44,403 --> 00:02:46,107 - Trust me. You're gonna want to hear this. 75 00:02:46,206 --> 00:02:48,777 If you want to act like a confident businessperson, 76 00:02:48,876 --> 00:02:50,812 you got to spend time around them. 77 00:02:50,910 --> 00:02:52,542 - How? My uncle's an unemployed ball boy, 78 00:02:52,646 --> 00:02:53,815 and I have no idea what my mom does. 79 00:02:53,913 --> 00:02:55,384 - Look, don't tell anybody this, 80 00:02:55,483 --> 00:02:58,453 but I drive a Hertz shuttle in the afternoons. 81 00:02:58,551 --> 00:03:00,489 - Wait. You have another job? You're not just the bus driver? 82 00:03:00,587 --> 00:03:01,756 - Yes, that's right, Tom. 83 00:03:01,855 --> 00:03:03,392 I drive a lot of large vehicles. 84 00:03:03,491 --> 00:03:04,926 - Major breach of your contract. 85 00:03:05,025 --> 00:03:06,595 - Guess who's in the Hertz shuttle. 86 00:03:06,693 --> 00:03:07,896 Confident businesspeople. 87 00:03:07,995 --> 00:03:09,264 - You're just saying I can go watch 88 00:03:09,363 --> 00:03:10,999 businesspeople on the Hertz shuttle? 89 00:03:11,098 --> 00:03:12,601 - That's exactly what I'm saying. 90 00:03:12,699 --> 00:03:14,803 You're gonna be swimming in businesspeople. 91 00:03:14,901 --> 00:03:16,471 - Swimming in businesspeople? That sounds amazing. 92 00:03:16,570 --> 00:03:17,839 Nelson, you want to, uh, tag along? 93 00:03:17,937 --> 00:03:19,308 - Uh, as far as invites go, 94 00:03:19,405 --> 00:03:22,076 that's not exactly a "hot one" for me, but sure. 95 00:03:22,175 --> 00:03:23,712 What's the worst that could happen? 96 00:03:23,810 --> 00:03:25,380 [soft jazz music] 97 00:03:25,479 --> 00:03:26,848 - Wow. This is amazing. 98 00:03:26,946 --> 00:03:28,149 Look at all these confident businesspeople. 99 00:03:28,248 --> 00:03:30,018 - Yeah, Tom, just watch and learn. 100 00:03:30,116 --> 00:03:32,821 These Gold Club members really know how to talk business. 101 00:03:32,919 --> 00:03:34,389 - Hey, jackass, where have you been? 102 00:03:34,487 --> 00:03:37,025 My flight leaves in 40 minutes. - Uh, sorry. Yeah. 103 00:03:37,124 --> 00:03:41,262 - And turn up the AC, dipshit. It's 1,000 degrees in here. 104 00:03:41,360 --> 00:03:43,898 - Turning it up. I guess I should've mentioned-- 105 00:03:43,997 --> 00:03:46,735 in this environment, I don't possess the same 106 00:03:46,833 --> 00:03:49,738 god-like status as I do on the school bus. 107 00:03:49,837 --> 00:03:51,540 - Yeah, this a whole other persona. 108 00:03:51,638 --> 00:03:52,941 - But did you see 109 00:03:53,040 --> 00:03:54,376 how confidently they asserted themselves? 110 00:03:54,475 --> 00:03:56,678 Learn from them, guys. - Hey, there, Bill. 111 00:03:56,777 --> 00:03:58,547 As per our last conversation, 112 00:03:58,645 --> 00:04:00,415 I wanted to circle back with you. 113 00:04:00,514 --> 00:04:01,783 - "As per"? I love that. 114 00:04:01,882 --> 00:04:03,652 - We have got to move the needle, guys. 115 00:04:03,750 --> 00:04:05,487 Move the goddamn needle. 116 00:04:05,580 --> 00:04:07,055 - Ooh, I like that. Write that down. 117 00:04:07,153 --> 00:04:09,558 - Okay, do not forget-- my door is always open. 118 00:04:09,656 --> 00:04:10,959 - "My door is always open"? 119 00:04:11,058 --> 00:04:12,494 This is like a whole new way of talking. 120 00:04:12,593 --> 00:04:15,330 - Come on, people, synergy is the name of the game-- 121 00:04:15,429 --> 00:04:16,931 corporate synergy, baby. 122 00:04:17,030 --> 00:04:19,301 - That's a great business word. Synergy--I love it. 123 00:04:19,400 --> 00:04:21,135 - There's a Y in that. - Oh, yeah? 124 00:04:21,235 --> 00:04:22,203 - Yeah. 125 00:04:22,303 --> 00:04:23,838 - How's this? - There you go. 126 00:04:23,937 --> 00:04:25,774 - Wow. This opens up a whole new world for me. 127 00:04:25,873 --> 00:04:27,309 Bus driver, I got to say, thank you so much. 128 00:04:27,408 --> 00:04:29,010 This is a huge help. - Anytime, Tom. 129 00:04:29,109 --> 00:04:31,346 You see, life is a lot like driving a shuttle. 130 00:04:31,445 --> 00:04:33,615 - You just drove past United Airlines 131 00:04:33,714 --> 00:04:35,717 four times now, Captain Idiot. 132 00:04:35,815 --> 00:04:37,686 - Sorry, I-I was a little distracted. 133 00:04:37,785 --> 00:04:39,288 - Wow. I used to look up to you, 134 00:04:39,385 --> 00:04:41,590 but you're a real jackass in this environment. 135 00:04:41,688 --> 00:04:43,091 [whistle blows] 136 00:04:43,189 --> 00:04:45,494 - Okay, kids, look alive out there! I love it! 137 00:04:45,592 --> 00:04:48,196 - Coach, this new mascot outfit is not fun at all. 138 00:04:48,294 --> 00:04:50,799 I can't work with this. - Why can't you work with it? 139 00:04:50,892 --> 00:04:53,001 - How's anybody even going to know I'm a consultant? 140 00:04:53,099 --> 00:04:55,236 - This company is paying a lot of money, Randy. 141 00:04:55,335 --> 00:04:58,373 Just find your inner consultant and let it shine. 142 00:04:58,472 --> 00:05:02,877 - I know next to nothing about consultants. 143 00:05:02,976 --> 00:05:05,246 - Randy, your squirrel days are done. 144 00:05:05,344 --> 00:05:08,483 Take the squirrel energy and make it consultant energy. 145 00:05:08,582 --> 00:05:11,320 - So you just want me to do my squirrel jumps 146 00:05:11,419 --> 00:05:12,621 as the consultant? 147 00:05:12,720 --> 00:05:14,956 Okay, sure, that reads. 148 00:05:15,055 --> 00:05:18,327 - Shut up and get out there and move on. 149 00:05:18,425 --> 00:05:20,028 - Fine! 150 00:05:20,127 --> 00:05:22,163 - Hey, what's up, big guy? Working hard or hardly working? 151 00:05:22,262 --> 00:05:23,998 - What? "Big guy"? - Mondays, am I right? 152 00:05:24,097 --> 00:05:25,734 - Mond--hold on a second. - Look at this crazy guy. 153 00:05:25,832 --> 00:05:27,001 Give me a shake. Put it there, pal. 154 00:05:27,100 --> 00:05:28,370 - What's wrong with you? - You know what? 155 00:05:28,468 --> 00:05:29,971 Let's put a pin in this conversation. 156 00:05:30,071 --> 00:05:31,406 Let's circle back. 157 00:05:31,505 --> 00:05:33,041 Listen, gang, I'm gonna do a quick huddle. 158 00:05:33,139 --> 00:05:34,704 Let's just get on the same page over here. 159 00:05:34,808 --> 00:05:36,811 You know what I want to see on the kickball field today? 160 00:05:36,910 --> 00:05:38,079 Synergy. - I'm sorry, what? 161 00:05:38,177 --> 00:05:39,614 I want you to think outside the box. 162 00:05:39,713 --> 00:05:41,283 I want to see you guys move the goddamn needle. 163 00:05:41,382 --> 00:05:43,151 - I'm not following. - My door's always open. 164 00:05:43,250 --> 00:05:44,619 - What door? - My proverbial door. 165 00:05:44,718 --> 00:05:46,288 - What are you talking about? 166 00:05:46,385 --> 00:05:48,156 - Hector, when it's your turn to talk, I'll call on you. 167 00:05:48,256 --> 00:05:49,658 Okay? [clicks tongue] 168 00:05:49,757 --> 00:05:51,159 - Why are you talking like a tool? 169 00:05:51,258 --> 00:05:53,161 You don't usually talk like a tool. 170 00:05:53,259 --> 00:05:55,430 - The only tools that this squad should be concerned with 171 00:05:55,529 --> 00:05:56,698 are tools for success. 172 00:05:56,796 --> 00:05:58,867 Now, go, Consultants. All right. 173 00:05:58,966 --> 00:06:02,337 - Are we playing kickball? What's happening? 174 00:06:02,436 --> 00:06:04,573 - Excuse me, but could I work for you? 175 00:06:04,672 --> 00:06:05,907 - Oh, hey, Hank. 176 00:06:06,006 --> 00:06:07,776 - Tom, that was quite a turnaround. 177 00:06:07,874 --> 00:06:09,311 Are you the same kid 178 00:06:09,409 --> 00:06:11,012 who was moping around like a loser two days ago? 179 00:06:11,110 --> 00:06:12,581 - I wouldn't say that, but, yeah. 180 00:06:12,679 --> 00:06:14,316 You know, I've been learning the corporate values. 181 00:06:14,414 --> 00:06:16,385 - Listen, Tom, we're looking for a kid 182 00:06:16,483 --> 00:06:19,087 to appear in our logo and marketing materials. 183 00:06:19,187 --> 00:06:21,723 You could be perfect. - Really? 184 00:06:21,822 --> 00:06:23,753 - Your whole demeanor screams, 185 00:06:23,852 --> 00:06:25,827 "I'm young but with a mind for business." 186 00:06:25,926 --> 00:06:28,262 - That's amazing. Would I get paid, or how does that work? 187 00:06:28,362 --> 00:06:30,164 - You're gonna get paid out the wazoo. 188 00:06:30,263 --> 00:06:33,001 - It's tempting. I'm not sure what a wazoo is, but, uh... 189 00:06:33,099 --> 00:06:34,403 - It's a butthole, Tom. - Oh. 190 00:06:34,501 --> 00:06:35,704 - A wazoo is a butthole. 191 00:06:35,803 --> 00:06:37,339 - Okay. - Just ask your mom. 192 00:06:37,436 --> 00:06:39,341 When we get the green light, I'm gonna present you 193 00:06:39,440 --> 00:06:40,942 at the shareholder's meeting. - Trust me. 194 00:06:41,041 --> 00:06:42,877 if I've got money coming out of my butthole, 195 00:06:42,977 --> 00:06:44,646 she'll be fine with it. 196 00:06:44,744 --> 00:06:47,449 - ♪ Henderson Consulting, Henderson Consulting ♪ 197 00:06:47,548 --> 00:06:50,385 ♪ We're consulting to the top ♪ 198 00:06:50,484 --> 00:06:53,955 - Wow, wow, wow. This is incredible, buddy. 199 00:06:54,054 --> 00:06:56,190 - Ah, it feels good being a corporate tool. 200 00:06:56,289 --> 00:06:58,760 I really--I like this. I like the whole persona. 201 00:06:58,858 --> 00:07:00,194 - It looks good on you, kid. 202 00:07:00,294 --> 00:07:02,297 - Hello. You must be Tom's mother. 203 00:07:02,396 --> 00:07:03,932 - Yep. - How do you spell your name? 204 00:07:04,030 --> 00:07:07,436 - Uh, T-O-M'S. - I love it. 205 00:07:07,534 --> 00:07:09,003 Okay, Tom, here's how it's gonna go. 206 00:07:09,102 --> 00:07:11,105 - M-O-M. - The CEO will finish his talk. 207 00:07:11,204 --> 00:07:12,941 Then when I give you the signal, 208 00:07:13,039 --> 00:07:15,410 I want you to jump in the air and scream, 209 00:07:15,509 --> 00:07:18,179 "I'm a Henderson Consulting kid, whoo-hoo!" 210 00:07:18,278 --> 00:07:19,381 - Okay. Do I have to say "whoo-hoo," though? 211 00:07:19,480 --> 00:07:20,982 It feels a little out of character. 212 00:07:21,081 --> 00:07:22,183 - Tom, we're paying you a lot of money. 213 00:07:22,283 --> 00:07:23,813 When we ask you to say whoo-hoo, 214 00:07:23,917 --> 00:07:25,954 you need to fucking say whoo-hoo--pardon the language. 215 00:07:26,052 --> 00:07:27,456 - Hey, with what you guys are paying us, 216 00:07:27,554 --> 00:07:29,924 you can curse in front of this little cocksucker 217 00:07:30,023 --> 00:07:31,259 all you want. - That's the attitude. 218 00:07:31,359 --> 00:07:33,061 All right, I'll see you guys in a few. 219 00:07:33,160 --> 00:07:35,196 Hey, and remember... - Yeah. 220 00:07:35,295 --> 00:07:37,299 - Really land that whoo-hoo. 221 00:07:37,398 --> 00:07:38,900 - Uh, yeah, I think you made your point clear. 222 00:07:39,000 --> 00:07:40,234 - Good afternoon, gang. 223 00:07:40,334 --> 00:07:42,170 Great to be in front of all of you. 224 00:07:42,263 --> 00:07:46,575 We're here to talk about the future of Henderson Consulting. 225 00:07:46,673 --> 00:07:49,010 Now, I know you've seen all the headlines, 226 00:07:49,110 --> 00:07:50,745 all the scandal. 227 00:07:50,844 --> 00:07:52,414 Listen, put it behind you, 228 00:07:52,513 --> 00:07:55,784 because today we're talking about building 229 00:07:55,883 --> 00:07:58,920 a brighter future for our kids, right? 230 00:07:59,020 --> 00:08:00,955 - Yep, that's right. 231 00:08:01,054 --> 00:08:04,258 - Sure, we consulted on the BP oil spill, 232 00:08:04,358 --> 00:08:06,495 but we're not about oil spills. 233 00:08:06,593 --> 00:08:08,129 We're about families. 234 00:08:08,227 --> 00:08:09,798 - Wait. What? - What did he just say? 235 00:08:09,897 --> 00:08:11,300 - And, yeah, we helped orchestrate 236 00:08:11,398 --> 00:08:13,602 numerous political assassinations, 237 00:08:13,700 --> 00:08:17,839 but we're not about murdering people for political gain. 238 00:08:17,932 --> 00:08:20,442 We're about communities. - They do murders? 239 00:08:20,541 --> 00:08:22,311 - Why are they just announcing it? 240 00:08:22,408 --> 00:08:26,548 - And, yeah, we do have strong ties to the 9/11 attackers 241 00:08:26,646 --> 00:08:28,850 as consultants. 242 00:08:28,948 --> 00:08:30,852 We didn't do any of these things. 243 00:08:30,952 --> 00:08:32,554 We consulted. 244 00:08:32,652 --> 00:08:34,323 - Wait. Did he for real just say 9/11? 245 00:08:34,421 --> 00:08:36,591 - Consult on 9/11-- what does that even mean? 246 00:08:36,690 --> 00:08:39,794 - We're here to help families and communities. 247 00:08:39,888 --> 00:08:42,196 Now, as a special treat, here's the boy 248 00:08:42,295 --> 00:08:44,733 who's featured in our new marketing campaign, 249 00:08:44,832 --> 00:08:47,469 "Because We Care!" 250 00:08:47,562 --> 00:08:49,438 Come on out here, Tom! 251 00:08:49,535 --> 00:08:51,773 - You can't go out there, dude. These people are evil, Tom. 252 00:08:51,872 --> 00:08:53,207 - They're paying me. 253 00:08:53,306 --> 00:08:54,809 I have to say I'm a Henderson Consulting kid. 254 00:08:54,908 --> 00:08:57,907 - Tom, our family's all about morals and integrity. 255 00:08:58,011 --> 00:08:59,213 - Since when? - You know what? 256 00:08:59,313 --> 00:09:00,882 When you said "since when" just now, 257 00:09:00,980 --> 00:09:03,852 I was literally trying to think of a date, and I can't. 258 00:09:03,950 --> 00:09:05,554 - All right, how about this? 259 00:09:05,652 --> 00:09:07,356 I'll say the line, but I won't say whoo-hoo--is that fair? 260 00:09:07,454 --> 00:09:09,123 - Yeah, that sounds like a good in-between. 261 00:09:09,222 --> 00:09:11,159 - I'll say the line but in a droll, 262 00:09:11,258 --> 00:09:12,694 unenthusiastic manner. 263 00:09:12,793 --> 00:09:15,129 - I'm proud of you, Tom. I'm proud of you right now. 264 00:09:15,228 --> 00:09:19,067 - Look at this kid! Anything you want to say? 265 00:09:19,166 --> 00:09:21,736 - Um, I'm a Henderson Consulting kid, 266 00:09:21,835 --> 00:09:25,674 but on moral grounds, I refuse to say whoo-hoo. 267 00:09:25,773 --> 00:09:27,175 - What? 268 00:09:27,274 --> 00:09:29,811 - This kid sucks. - Oh, gosh. 269 00:09:29,910 --> 00:09:32,614 - You just shit the bed, kid. 270 00:09:33,647 --> 00:09:35,684 - Tom, get in here. - What happened? 271 00:09:35,782 --> 00:09:37,652 - What happened? Hank from Henderson Consulting 272 00:09:37,751 --> 00:09:39,888 just tore me a new A-hole. - Sorry to hear that. 273 00:09:39,987 --> 00:09:41,290 - Well, he's threatening to pull the deal. 274 00:09:41,389 --> 00:09:43,157 They think you're disloyal. - I am disloyal. 275 00:09:43,257 --> 00:09:44,893 That company seems very shady. 276 00:09:44,991 --> 00:09:47,496 - Tom, all companies are shady. 277 00:09:47,594 --> 00:09:49,230 - All companies are shady? - Yes. 278 00:09:49,330 --> 00:09:50,799 Even the school's shady. - What? 279 00:09:50,897 --> 00:09:53,001 - Do you know how much corrupt stuff I do each day 280 00:09:53,099 --> 00:09:54,903 to help you kids? - Really? What do you do? 281 00:09:54,996 --> 00:09:57,138 - I steal from the lunch lady's tip jar. 282 00:09:57,238 --> 00:09:58,507 - That's awful. - I blackmail 283 00:09:58,605 --> 00:10:00,141 the superintendent of other schools... 284 00:10:00,240 --> 00:10:02,110 - That's terrible. - I embezzle money 285 00:10:02,203 --> 00:10:04,546 from emergency funds, and it's all for you kids. 286 00:10:04,644 --> 00:10:07,449 - So you have to do bad stuff to make good stuff happen? 287 00:10:07,547 --> 00:10:10,118 - Exactly. Now you get it. 288 00:10:10,217 --> 00:10:12,521 Listen, these people want loyalty. 289 00:10:12,619 --> 00:10:15,390 Let's give them loyalty. - How would I do that? 290 00:10:15,489 --> 00:10:17,058 - I was hoping you might consider... 291 00:10:17,157 --> 00:10:19,561 - I'm listening. - Getting a tattoo that says 292 00:10:19,659 --> 00:10:22,697 "Henderson Consulting, because integrity matters." 293 00:10:22,796 --> 00:10:24,599 - I'm sorry. It sounds like you said "tattoo." 294 00:10:24,698 --> 00:10:26,401 - 'Cause I did. - Have you lost your mind? 295 00:10:26,500 --> 00:10:28,903 - It can be so discrete. It can be on your rear end. 296 00:10:29,003 --> 00:10:30,104 - That's your sales pitch. 297 00:10:30,204 --> 00:10:31,440 You can get it on your rear end? 298 00:10:31,538 --> 00:10:32,841 - Tom, if we don't get their funding, 299 00:10:32,940 --> 00:10:34,509 this whole school goes bankrupt. 300 00:10:34,607 --> 00:10:37,111 - You're telling me either I get a tattoo on my rear end, 301 00:10:37,210 --> 00:10:38,880 or the school goes bankrupt. - Pretty much. 302 00:10:38,979 --> 00:10:42,183 - I can't imagine how we arrived at this situation. 303 00:10:42,282 --> 00:10:44,185 - Tom, are you sure you want to do this? 304 00:10:44,285 --> 00:10:45,787 - I'm being told it's the only way out. 305 00:10:45,886 --> 00:10:48,189 - So you're gonna have a Henderson Consulting tattoo 306 00:10:48,287 --> 00:10:49,658 on your butt for the rest of your life? 307 00:10:49,756 --> 00:10:51,760 - That's the downside. That's the downside. 308 00:10:51,858 --> 00:10:54,496 But, I mean, how many people actually see my rear end? 309 00:10:54,595 --> 00:10:56,197 Half a dozen a year, if that. 310 00:10:56,296 --> 00:10:58,027 - That's a lot of people. 311 00:10:58,132 --> 00:10:59,701 - I mean, my mom, the doctor, 312 00:10:59,800 --> 00:11:01,403 randomly people pull my pants down. 313 00:11:01,502 --> 00:11:02,671 - Okay, you're right. You're right. 314 00:11:02,769 --> 00:11:05,374 Other than that, it's a low traffic area. 315 00:11:05,471 --> 00:11:08,209 - Yeah, this tattoo is gonna be, uh, very nice. 316 00:11:08,302 --> 00:11:11,179 - Hey, are you the tattoo guy? - I'm the tattoo artist. 317 00:11:11,279 --> 00:11:13,582 - Oh, hey, I'm, uh, Tom. I'm your 3:00. 318 00:11:13,681 --> 00:11:16,651 - Uh-huh. You're my 3:00. I'm not giving a kid a tattoo. 319 00:11:16,750 --> 00:11:19,120 - He's ten, but he's technically, like, 20 320 00:11:19,219 --> 00:11:20,622 'cause he went through puberty at nine. 321 00:11:20,715 --> 00:11:21,823 - I'm a very old ten. 322 00:11:21,922 --> 00:11:23,558 - You see the disappointment in his eyes. 323 00:11:23,657 --> 00:11:25,494 This guy's lived a full life. - It's true. 324 00:11:25,592 --> 00:11:27,128 - Yeah, all right, I need the money. 325 00:11:27,227 --> 00:11:28,597 Whatever. All right, what are we doing? 326 00:11:28,695 --> 00:11:30,732 - I just want a small tattoo that says, 327 00:11:30,830 --> 00:11:33,402 "Henderson Consulting, because integrity matters," 328 00:11:33,500 --> 00:11:35,737 and I'd like it on my rear end. - Wow. 329 00:11:35,835 --> 00:11:37,906 - What's wrong? - Would you ask Rembrandt 330 00:11:38,004 --> 00:11:40,409 to paint "The Night Watch" on someone's butt? 331 00:11:40,507 --> 00:11:42,811 - Rembrandt? No. Probably not. - Would you ask Monet 332 00:11:42,910 --> 00:11:45,514 to paint "Water Lilies" on someone's asshole? 333 00:11:45,612 --> 00:11:47,076 - Doesn't sound like a great painting, no. 334 00:11:47,180 --> 00:11:48,383 - So don't ask me to do rear-end tattoos. 335 00:11:48,482 --> 00:11:49,984 Just show a little respect. 336 00:11:50,083 --> 00:11:51,820 - So what do you have in mind? What would you rather do? 337 00:11:51,918 --> 00:11:54,589 - What if we did something artistic on your upper back? 338 00:11:54,688 --> 00:11:56,224 - Upper back? - Like a serpent. 339 00:11:56,322 --> 00:11:58,960 - No, relax. - Or a dragon breathing fire. 340 00:11:59,059 --> 00:12:02,664 And we can have the flames spell out Henderson Consulting. 341 00:12:02,763 --> 00:12:05,267 - I'm not gonna lie, I kind of love that. 342 00:12:05,365 --> 00:12:06,901 - You are good. 343 00:12:07,000 --> 00:12:09,170 I'm glad we rode our bikes six hours to Staten Island. 344 00:12:09,270 --> 00:12:11,172 [indistinct chatter] 345 00:12:11,271 --> 00:12:12,741 [knock on door] 346 00:12:12,839 --> 00:12:14,409 - Hey, Hank-a-roo. Can I have a word? 347 00:12:14,508 --> 00:12:15,977 - Tom, what are you doing here? 348 00:12:16,075 --> 00:12:18,012 - Listen, I know I embarrassed you guys at the meeting, 349 00:12:18,111 --> 00:12:20,682 but I wanted to show how committed I am to the brand. 350 00:12:20,780 --> 00:12:23,552 So I went out, and I got a tattoo of a dragon 351 00:12:23,650 --> 00:12:26,855 breathing fire onto a bunch of villagers, and it says, 352 00:12:26,953 --> 00:12:30,258 "Henderson Consulting, because integrity matters." 353 00:12:30,357 --> 00:12:32,093 And then there's a bunch of dead eels 354 00:12:32,193 --> 00:12:33,662 and serpents in the background. 355 00:12:33,760 --> 00:12:36,164 - What, now? You got a tattoo. - Yeah. 356 00:12:36,263 --> 00:12:38,533 - Tom, I don't know how to say this. 357 00:12:38,632 --> 00:12:40,535 There's no more Henderson Consulting. 358 00:12:40,634 --> 00:12:42,737 - Excuse me? - We were dissolved. 359 00:12:42,836 --> 00:12:46,275 And we've been eaten alive by PricewaterhouseCoopers, 360 00:12:46,373 --> 00:12:48,137 so we are now part of their company. 361 00:12:48,241 --> 00:12:50,139 - Oh, so I did all this for nothing? 362 00:12:50,244 --> 00:12:51,513 - Pretty much, yeah, but, hey, 363 00:12:51,611 --> 00:12:53,515 walk out of here with your head high. 364 00:12:53,614 --> 00:12:55,083 You had a good run. - Did I? 365 00:12:55,182 --> 00:12:56,551 I bombed at a meeting, 366 00:12:56,650 --> 00:12:58,453 and now I have a dragon tattooed on my back. 367 00:12:58,552 --> 00:13:01,356 - Welcome to the world of business. 368 00:13:01,455 --> 00:13:04,359 [upbeat music] 369 00:13:04,458 --> 00:13:06,695 ♪ ♪ 370 00:13:06,793 --> 00:13:09,230 [doorbell rings] - This is so weird. 371 00:13:09,329 --> 00:13:11,099 Why did Dakota's mom invite us to dinner? 372 00:13:11,198 --> 00:13:12,534 Are you guys even friends? 373 00:13:12,633 --> 00:13:14,303 - I'm friends with anyone who offers me free food. 374 00:13:14,401 --> 00:13:15,704 You should know that by now. 375 00:13:15,803 --> 00:13:17,539 - I thought you call her mom "The Witch." 376 00:13:17,637 --> 00:13:19,374 - Yeah, we're having dinner at The Witch's house. 377 00:13:19,473 --> 00:13:20,642 [door opens] - Oh, hi. 378 00:13:20,740 --> 00:13:22,644 - Hey, Dakota's mom. - Hey, Tom. 379 00:13:22,743 --> 00:13:24,446 Tom's mom. - Brad, shut up. 380 00:13:24,545 --> 00:13:26,515 - Sorry. - I'm so glad you made it. 381 00:13:26,613 --> 00:13:27,916 - We brought a little something. 382 00:13:28,015 --> 00:13:30,118 - You know, in this house, we have a policy. 383 00:13:30,217 --> 00:13:31,953 Life is too short to drink cheap wine. 384 00:13:32,052 --> 00:13:33,655 [laughs] 385 00:13:33,753 --> 00:13:36,458 Oh, my gosh, you know what? I haven't laughed in so long. 386 00:13:36,557 --> 00:13:40,362 I love to laugh. [laughing] 387 00:13:40,461 --> 00:13:42,297 - What's the joke? That we're poor? 388 00:13:42,396 --> 00:13:43,665 - Anyway, we just remodeled, 389 00:13:43,763 --> 00:13:45,567 and I have to give you the grand tour, 390 00:13:45,666 --> 00:13:47,235 but please take off your shoes. 391 00:13:47,333 --> 00:13:49,304 You know, I don't want you tracking mud through the house 392 00:13:49,403 --> 00:13:50,772 like, you know, a bunch of wild animals. 393 00:13:50,871 --> 00:13:53,475 [laughing] Oh, I love to laugh. 394 00:13:53,574 --> 00:13:55,710 - Jokes really aren't landing, are they? 395 00:13:55,810 --> 00:13:57,206 - No. 396 00:13:57,311 --> 00:13:58,813 - This is little Dakota's room. 397 00:13:58,912 --> 00:14:01,650 Dakota, tell them how much your desk cost. 398 00:14:01,748 --> 00:14:04,252 - Rather not. Feels rude. - Oh, come on. 399 00:14:04,352 --> 00:14:05,754 We got to talk in wine terms here, 400 00:14:05,853 --> 00:14:07,422 so you can figure out what's going on. 401 00:14:07,521 --> 00:14:09,991 It cost about ten cases of that wine. 402 00:14:10,090 --> 00:14:12,126 - Oh, wow. You don't see a lot of in-house pillars. 403 00:14:12,226 --> 00:14:13,462 - I know. You've never seen 404 00:14:13,560 --> 00:14:16,498 baroque pillars in suburbia, right? 405 00:14:16,597 --> 00:14:20,469 The toilet alone cost more than 100 bottles of wine 406 00:14:20,567 --> 00:14:22,271 from that shitty vineyard that you brought. 407 00:14:22,369 --> 00:14:23,672 - We understand what money's worth. 408 00:14:23,771 --> 00:14:25,073 You don't have to compare it to the wine. 409 00:14:25,173 --> 00:14:26,341 Nice attic. 410 00:14:26,440 --> 00:14:27,509 - I mean, I'm starting to wonder, 411 00:14:27,607 --> 00:14:30,078 am I in a hell dream? - Ta-da! 412 00:14:30,176 --> 00:14:31,813 - We don't need to see the hot-water heater. 413 00:14:31,906 --> 00:14:33,448 - It cost a buttload. 414 00:14:33,547 --> 00:14:34,516 - You know what? Why don't we... 415 00:14:34,614 --> 00:14:35,984 - Yeah, I'm starving. 416 00:14:36,082 --> 00:14:39,688 - Honestly, I am so exhausted from the tour. 417 00:14:39,786 --> 00:14:41,723 Can we do dinner some other time? 418 00:14:41,821 --> 00:14:43,458 - No food? - Goodbye, Tom. 419 00:14:43,557 --> 00:14:46,495 - This was so much fun. It really was. 420 00:14:46,593 --> 00:14:47,762 Bye-bye. - Goodbye. 421 00:14:47,861 --> 00:14:50,432 - Thank you. - Where's the food? 422 00:14:51,532 --> 00:14:53,201 - Ugh, that woman is a monster. 423 00:14:53,300 --> 00:14:54,936 - That was awful. 424 00:14:55,035 --> 00:14:57,138 - I'm tired of being the poor family in town, so guess what. 425 00:14:57,237 --> 00:14:59,708 - We're gonna finally move some place affordable? 426 00:14:59,806 --> 00:15:01,776 - Don't say dumb things. We're buying a hot tub. 427 00:15:01,875 --> 00:15:03,678 - Mom, we can't afford a hot tub. 428 00:15:03,777 --> 00:15:06,815 - On layaway, you can afford anything, baby. 429 00:15:06,913 --> 00:15:08,278 - Layaway? - Yeah, you just go, 430 00:15:08,382 --> 00:15:09,684 "Ah, I'll pay for it later." 431 00:15:09,783 --> 00:15:11,553 - So you just assume we'll get wealthy later? 432 00:15:11,652 --> 00:15:12,887 - You just keep it. 433 00:15:12,986 --> 00:15:14,689 It's not about getting wealthy later. 434 00:15:14,788 --> 00:15:16,458 [knock on door] Uh-oh, there's the plumber. 435 00:15:16,557 --> 00:15:18,126 - Oh, this is happening? He's here now? 436 00:15:18,224 --> 00:15:20,629 - Yep. I need you to talk to him, and you know the drill. 437 00:15:20,727 --> 00:15:22,464 - What is this-- things to say to plumbers? 438 00:15:22,563 --> 00:15:25,700 - Yeah, literally. Look at the title of the note. 439 00:15:25,799 --> 00:15:27,235 - Hi, kid. Is your mom home? 440 00:15:27,329 --> 00:15:29,003 - Oh, no. She doesn't talk to plumbers. 441 00:15:29,102 --> 00:15:32,741 Remember, my dad was a plumber. - Yes, I remember this house. 442 00:15:32,839 --> 00:15:34,304 - Yeah, she doesn't like the profession. 443 00:15:34,408 --> 00:15:35,877 - Right. - Weasels and can't be trusted. 444 00:15:35,975 --> 00:15:38,780 - Yes, I recall. - Anyway, she said to tell you, 445 00:15:38,879 --> 00:15:41,249 "Give us the classiest hot tub you've got 446 00:15:41,349 --> 00:15:42,917 "and install it in the front yard, 447 00:15:43,016 --> 00:15:45,654 where the smug B-holes can all see it." 448 00:15:45,752 --> 00:15:47,822 - No, can do. That's actually against city code. 449 00:15:47,921 --> 00:15:49,758 - Oh, no. You have to do it. - I don't have to do anything. 450 00:15:49,856 --> 00:15:51,293 That's why I chose this job, 451 00:15:51,392 --> 00:15:52,527 so no one could tell me what to do. 452 00:15:52,626 --> 00:15:53,862 - Well, plumbers more or less 453 00:15:53,961 --> 00:15:55,630 have to do what needs to be fixed. 454 00:15:55,729 --> 00:15:58,600 - Mm, no. - There have got to be laws 455 00:15:58,698 --> 00:16:00,302 applying to plumbers, I imagine. 456 00:16:00,400 --> 00:16:02,871 - I mean, the same laws as everybody in society has 457 00:16:02,970 --> 00:16:04,606 we have to follow, but there's no, like, 458 00:16:04,705 --> 00:16:06,875 "special laws" for plumbers. - All right, listen. 459 00:16:06,973 --> 00:16:08,977 It says here in the paper, "If the plumber gives you any lip, 460 00:16:09,076 --> 00:16:11,713 tell him to shut his pie hole and just install the thing." 461 00:16:11,812 --> 00:16:13,147 - Um, can I see the paper? - Yeah. 462 00:16:13,246 --> 00:16:15,249 It's got a whole list of responses, yeah. 463 00:16:15,348 --> 00:16:16,851 - All right, well, fair enough. I just need your signature. 464 00:16:16,950 --> 00:16:18,620 And I'll get started. - Great. 465 00:16:18,718 --> 00:16:21,490 I'm glad you gave in and you're doing what you're told. 466 00:16:21,588 --> 00:16:24,092 - I didn't "gave in." I-I'm choosing to do it. 467 00:16:24,186 --> 00:16:26,895 - All right. Agree to disagree. 468 00:16:26,994 --> 00:16:30,499 [rock music] 469 00:16:30,597 --> 00:16:32,567 [door opens] Hey, how's it going out here? 470 00:16:32,666 --> 00:16:33,935 - Kid, I'm gonna be here a while. 471 00:16:34,033 --> 00:16:35,837 Can I use your bathroom really quick? 472 00:16:35,936 --> 00:16:38,573 - Oh, no, we have a strict "no plumbers in the house" rule. 473 00:16:38,672 --> 00:16:39,674 - I can't even use your bathroom? 474 00:16:39,773 --> 00:16:40,975 - No. Not if you're a plumber. 475 00:16:41,074 --> 00:16:42,477 Not if you're a licensed plumber. 476 00:16:42,576 --> 00:16:44,746 - What--I--so you're gonna make me 477 00:16:44,845 --> 00:16:46,448 defecate in my own van? 478 00:16:46,547 --> 00:16:48,249 - Van. What? No. I never said that. 479 00:16:48,348 --> 00:16:50,018 - You said I can't go in. Where am I supposed to go? 480 00:16:50,116 --> 00:16:53,121 - Anywhere-- Starbucks, gas station, 481 00:16:53,221 --> 00:16:54,384 behind a 7-Eleven. 482 00:16:54,488 --> 00:16:56,691 - I can't believe this is happening. 483 00:16:56,790 --> 00:16:58,126 - What are you doing? - As a plumber, 484 00:16:58,224 --> 00:16:59,928 this goes against everything I believe in. 485 00:17:00,027 --> 00:17:04,466 Defecating without the use of modern plumbing? 486 00:17:04,565 --> 00:17:06,501 [flatulence] - This is awkward. 487 00:17:06,600 --> 00:17:07,736 - Are you talking out there? 488 00:17:07,834 --> 00:17:09,538 - Oh, my God. [flatulence] 489 00:17:09,636 --> 00:17:11,540 We should have a policy against this. 490 00:17:11,638 --> 00:17:12,841 - I hope you're happy, kid. 491 00:17:12,939 --> 00:17:15,610 You just humiliated a grown man. 492 00:17:15,709 --> 00:17:17,779 I'm sorry, Ma! Your boy's a failure! 493 00:17:17,877 --> 00:17:20,349 I just took a dump in Dad's van! 494 00:17:20,447 --> 00:17:22,717 [sighs and cries] 495 00:17:22,816 --> 00:17:25,854 - Um, listen, I have a baseball game to go to. 496 00:17:25,953 --> 00:17:28,323 If you could just finish crying, install the tub, 497 00:17:28,421 --> 00:17:30,892 and get out of here, that'd be--that'd be great. 498 00:17:30,990 --> 00:17:33,795 - What the hell did I just do? [cries] 499 00:17:33,894 --> 00:17:36,931 - Wow. This is an emotional plumbing visit. 500 00:17:37,030 --> 00:17:38,867 - Go for third, Tom! Way to hustle! 501 00:17:38,965 --> 00:17:42,170 - Whoo! Yes, Tom. A triple. [laughs] 502 00:17:42,269 --> 00:17:46,107 Reminds me of the triple jets in my front-yard hot tub. 503 00:17:46,207 --> 00:17:47,709 - Uh, what? 504 00:17:47,808 --> 00:17:49,711 - I guess probably you couldn't afford one of those. 505 00:17:49,809 --> 00:17:51,546 You just have a standard hot tub 506 00:17:51,645 --> 00:17:53,147 like a bunch of peasants. 507 00:17:53,246 --> 00:17:56,084 - I-I've never heard of a hot tub in the front yard. 508 00:17:56,182 --> 00:17:57,719 - I mean, I don't know what to tell you. 509 00:17:57,817 --> 00:17:59,554 I guess, the only advice I would have 510 00:17:59,653 --> 00:18:01,823 would be to read classier magazines, bitch. 511 00:18:01,922 --> 00:18:05,594 [laughing] I love to laugh. 512 00:18:05,692 --> 00:18:07,161 - Well, first of all, don't call me bitch. 513 00:18:07,260 --> 00:18:10,164 But, you know, I just find it funny that a gaggle 514 00:18:10,263 --> 00:18:12,634 of disgusting people like yourselves 515 00:18:12,732 --> 00:18:15,103 would get something right. - I'm so confused. 516 00:18:15,202 --> 00:18:17,539 Are you two friends, or what's going on here? 517 00:18:17,637 --> 00:18:19,908 - Yeah, we're like "Sex and the City." 518 00:18:20,002 --> 00:18:21,943 ♪ ♪ 519 00:18:22,043 --> 00:18:23,177 - Mom, wait. 520 00:18:23,276 --> 00:18:25,079 You invited everyone over to see our hot tub? 521 00:18:25,178 --> 00:18:27,849 - Tom, remember the golden rule of life. 522 00:18:27,947 --> 00:18:29,851 The reason you buy classy things 523 00:18:29,950 --> 00:18:31,853 is so you can rub them in people's faces. 524 00:18:31,951 --> 00:18:34,389 - Oh, no. Is that the plumber and my school nurse? 525 00:18:34,488 --> 00:18:36,090 [tires screech] 526 00:18:36,190 --> 00:18:37,659 [rap music] 527 00:18:37,758 --> 00:18:39,489 - Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo. 528 00:18:39,593 --> 00:18:41,396 - Hey, what's happening out here? 529 00:18:41,495 --> 00:18:43,493 - Oh, hey. You're home early. 530 00:18:43,597 --> 00:18:44,866 - Tom, what are you doing here? 531 00:18:44,964 --> 00:18:45,934 - What am I doing here? This is my house. 532 00:18:46,033 --> 00:18:47,436 - Wait, this is your house? 533 00:18:47,535 --> 00:18:48,437 No one told me this is your house. 534 00:18:48,535 --> 00:18:49,738 - Wait, wait, wait. 535 00:18:49,837 --> 00:18:51,373 Are you two having sex right now? 536 00:18:51,471 --> 00:18:54,776 - No. What makes you think we're having sex right now? 537 00:18:54,875 --> 00:18:56,177 - [grunts] - What's happening? 538 00:18:56,276 --> 00:18:58,112 - Tom, do not look in the plumber's eyes. 539 00:18:58,212 --> 00:18:59,748 - What's he doing? [car door opens] 540 00:18:59,846 --> 00:19:01,616 - No, no, no. No, no. Everybody, beat it. 541 00:19:01,715 --> 00:19:03,084 There's nothing to see here. 542 00:19:03,182 --> 00:19:06,187 - Oh, for the love of God. Look away, Dakota! 543 00:19:06,286 --> 00:19:07,756 - Yeah, don't look at this, children. 544 00:19:07,854 --> 00:19:09,424 - Plumber, you need to leave right now. 545 00:19:09,523 --> 00:19:10,925 - I actually don't. 546 00:19:11,024 --> 00:19:12,861 Your son signed a contract that I can do this. 547 00:19:12,959 --> 00:19:15,497 - "Until fully paid off, plumber owns 50% 548 00:19:15,595 --> 00:19:17,832 "of hot tub and can nail women in it 549 00:19:17,931 --> 00:19:19,701 whenever he damn well pleases"? 550 00:19:19,800 --> 00:19:20,769 What? I signed this? 551 00:19:20,867 --> 00:19:22,036 - Tom. - I'm sorry, Mom. 552 00:19:22,135 --> 00:19:23,972 I should've read the fine print. 553 00:19:24,070 --> 00:19:27,376 - Wow. Tom's mom is running a brothel. 554 00:19:27,474 --> 00:19:29,010 - A suburban brothel? 555 00:19:29,109 --> 00:19:31,112 Now I've seen it all. This is just disgusting. 556 00:19:31,212 --> 00:19:32,347 - In our defense, 557 00:19:32,446 --> 00:19:35,049 technically, he's being paid for plumbing. 558 00:19:36,884 --> 00:19:38,587 - Tom-bo. - Oh, hey, Rick. 559 00:19:38,686 --> 00:19:39,921 Not a good time. - I haven't seen your mom 560 00:19:40,019 --> 00:19:41,290 in a while-- is everything good? 561 00:19:41,388 --> 00:19:43,024 - She's gonna live indoors for a few weeks. 562 00:19:43,123 --> 00:19:45,494 She's kind of embarrassed. - Really? Why? 563 00:19:45,592 --> 00:19:47,128 - We tried to look wealthy, 564 00:19:47,227 --> 00:19:48,863 and now people think we're running a brothel. 565 00:19:48,962 --> 00:19:50,198 The hot tub just didn't work. 566 00:19:50,297 --> 00:19:52,133 - Hey, Tommy, hop up on my knee. 567 00:19:52,233 --> 00:19:53,067 - I'd rather not. 568 00:19:53,167 --> 00:19:54,536 - It's worth it. - All right. 569 00:19:54,634 --> 00:19:56,170 - If you want to impress people, 570 00:19:56,269 --> 00:19:58,640 a hot tub is not the answer. - Oh, really? 571 00:19:58,739 --> 00:20:00,041 We were told it's a sign of wealth. 572 00:20:00,141 --> 00:20:01,142 - Who said that? 573 00:20:01,241 --> 00:20:02,811 - Various pamphlets and brochures. 574 00:20:02,909 --> 00:20:04,479 - Right. Hillbilly stuff. 575 00:20:04,573 --> 00:20:05,947 If you want to flaunt your wealth, 576 00:20:06,046 --> 00:20:08,116 you come to my boat, you invite your friends, 577 00:20:08,214 --> 00:20:09,951 and then you just tell them, "I co-own this boat." 578 00:20:10,050 --> 00:20:12,721 - Really? You'd do that for me? - We are neighbors. 579 00:20:12,819 --> 00:20:14,923 And like a good neighbor, Rick is there. 580 00:20:15,022 --> 00:20:16,658 I just came up with that. - I got to say-- 581 00:20:16,751 --> 00:20:19,828 underneath the slick hair and the weird personality 582 00:20:19,926 --> 00:20:21,330 and the license plate that says "BNG CH1X," 583 00:20:21,428 --> 00:20:22,631 you're a sweet guy. 584 00:20:22,730 --> 00:20:24,032 - That was my second-choice plate. 585 00:20:24,131 --> 00:20:25,700 You want to know what the first one was, Tom? 586 00:20:25,800 --> 00:20:27,168 "Dem Titties." 587 00:20:27,266 --> 00:20:29,504 - Oh, that's good, too. Yeah, two solid options. 588 00:20:29,603 --> 00:20:31,205 [boat horn honks] 589 00:20:31,304 --> 00:20:33,975 Okay, everyone, feast your eyes on Tom's yacht. 590 00:20:34,073 --> 00:20:36,144 - Wow. This is yours? - There she is. 591 00:20:36,242 --> 00:20:38,680 - In all these years, how did you never mention 592 00:20:38,779 --> 00:20:42,050 that you own a boat named "Dem Titties"? 593 00:20:42,148 --> 00:20:43,918 - You know, we're humble, wealthy people, 594 00:20:44,017 --> 00:20:45,387 and I don't like to flaunt it. 595 00:20:45,485 --> 00:20:47,789 - This would've gone a long way with my mom 596 00:20:47,887 --> 00:20:49,958 if she knew you owned a yacht. [boat horn honks] 597 00:20:50,057 --> 00:20:51,293 - Whoo! - Oh, no. 598 00:20:51,392 --> 00:20:52,622 Don't touch that, Nelson. [boat horn honks] 599 00:20:52,726 --> 00:20:53,828 - [laughs] Yacht. 600 00:20:53,927 --> 00:20:55,625 - Come on, guys, let's relax. 601 00:20:55,729 --> 00:20:57,332 - Tommy! - Oh, no. 602 00:20:57,426 --> 00:20:58,800 - Oh, God, now, this is life. 603 00:20:58,898 --> 00:21:00,369 Is this what it's always like in New Jersey? 604 00:21:00,467 --> 00:21:01,836 [laughs] - Uncle Bill? 605 00:21:01,935 --> 00:21:03,137 - Yeah, you crazy son of a bitch. 606 00:21:03,237 --> 00:21:04,806 Give me a hug. - Oh, no, no, no. 607 00:21:04,905 --> 00:21:06,207 Uncle Bill, stop. - [grunts] 608 00:21:06,305 --> 00:21:07,909 - You came down from Boston for this? 609 00:21:08,008 --> 00:21:10,244 - I didn't just come down. I moved down. 610 00:21:10,344 --> 00:21:11,613 - You moved here just for this trip. 611 00:21:11,712 --> 00:21:13,582 - Yeah, I told those Red Sox, 612 00:21:13,675 --> 00:21:15,584 "You find a new ball boy, you assholes. 613 00:21:15,683 --> 00:21:17,586 My nephew owns a boat." [laughs] 614 00:21:17,685 --> 00:21:19,521 - Oh, no. Please, too much. Too much. 615 00:21:19,620 --> 00:21:20,955 [boat horn honks] 616 00:21:21,054 --> 00:21:22,391 - Let's go. - All right, everyone, relax. 617 00:21:22,489 --> 00:21:24,726 We just need to wait for a guy named Rick. 618 00:21:24,825 --> 00:21:26,260 - Wait? Boat owners don't wait. 619 00:21:26,359 --> 00:21:28,029 As Tom Hanks once said, "I'm the captain now." 620 00:21:28,127 --> 00:21:29,764 - No, Uncle Bill, put the keys down. 621 00:21:29,863 --> 00:21:31,766 - Actually, Tom Hanks never said that--it was the hijacker. 622 00:21:31,865 --> 00:21:33,502 - All right, listen, I never saw the movie. 623 00:21:33,600 --> 00:21:35,337 I never saw the movie. I don't know what I'm talking about. 624 00:21:35,435 --> 00:21:36,971 - You're not the captain now. - Tom, quick question-- 625 00:21:37,070 --> 00:21:38,239 is this safe? - Shut up! 626 00:21:38,338 --> 00:21:40,609 - Uncle Bill, you got to untie the ropes. 627 00:21:40,708 --> 00:21:43,244 - Just enjoy yourselves. - Oh, no. Please. 628 00:21:45,112 --> 00:21:46,214 - Whoo! - Whoo-hoo! 629 00:21:46,308 --> 00:21:47,482 - What do you think? 630 00:21:47,581 --> 00:21:50,118 You guys enjoying a taste of the Tom lifestyle? 631 00:21:50,216 --> 00:21:52,220 - Yo, you know how to live, baby. 632 00:21:52,319 --> 00:21:54,889 - Hi, Mom. Hey, say hi to the guys. 633 00:21:54,988 --> 00:21:57,459 all: Hey. - Mom, I'm so jealous 634 00:21:57,558 --> 00:21:59,193 'cause Tom owns a boat. 635 00:21:59,292 --> 00:22:00,662 - You never told me Tom owns a boat. 636 00:22:00,761 --> 00:22:02,264 Put him on. - Whoo. 637 00:22:02,362 --> 00:22:04,694 - Yeah, yeah, Tom, my mom wants to talk to you. Say hi. 638 00:22:04,798 --> 00:22:06,368 - Hey, how's it going, Dakota's mom? 639 00:22:06,465 --> 00:22:08,970 - I need to know what the hell is going on here. 640 00:22:09,069 --> 00:22:12,106 - What's going on? Just standard yacht behavior. 641 00:22:12,205 --> 00:22:13,942 We're just nibbling on hors d'oeuvres, 642 00:22:14,041 --> 00:22:16,110 enjoying the fresh breeze in our hair. 643 00:22:16,209 --> 00:22:19,180 - I'm the king of the world. Where my New Jersey bitches at? 644 00:22:19,279 --> 00:22:21,015 - Uncle Bill, please. - Wait, who was that? 645 00:22:21,114 --> 00:22:23,117 - Oh, it's Tom's uncle. He's our chaperone. 646 00:22:23,217 --> 00:22:24,586 - He's the chaperone? 647 00:22:24,679 --> 00:22:25,887 - Oh, yeah, we're in good hands. 648 00:22:25,986 --> 00:22:27,856 - Hey, ladies, take off your tops. 649 00:22:27,955 --> 00:22:29,924 - We got the juice box, bitches. 650 00:22:30,023 --> 00:22:32,527 - Nelson, I'm FaceTiming with my mom--language! 651 00:22:32,626 --> 00:22:34,028 - Put him on. Put him on with me right now. 652 00:22:34,127 --> 00:22:35,397 - You don't need to talk to Uncle Bill. 653 00:22:35,495 --> 00:22:37,031 - Give me the phone. Give me the phone. 654 00:22:37,130 --> 00:22:38,700 How's it going, toots? - Don't say "toots." 655 00:22:38,793 --> 00:22:40,469 - You listen here, you Neanderthal. 656 00:22:40,568 --> 00:22:42,003 - Oh, lady, lady, lady. Lady. 657 00:22:42,102 --> 00:22:43,472 - If anything happens to my daughter... 658 00:22:43,570 --> 00:22:45,206 - You sound very uptight. That's no way to live. 659 00:22:45,305 --> 00:22:46,841 Let me help you. Get over here. 660 00:22:46,940 --> 00:22:48,443 We'll butt-chug a few beers together, huh? 661 00:22:48,542 --> 00:22:49,778 - What on earth is butt-chugging? 662 00:22:49,876 --> 00:22:51,346 - He's kidding. No. 663 00:22:51,444 --> 00:22:53,743 - It's where you drink your beer through your anus. 664 00:22:53,847 --> 00:22:55,149 It was popular in frat parties, 665 00:22:55,248 --> 00:22:56,418 but I incorporate in my everyday life. 666 00:22:56,511 --> 00:22:57,819 - Yeah, that's very common. 667 00:22:57,917 --> 00:22:59,688 Very commonplace among wealthy boat owners. 668 00:22:59,786 --> 00:23:02,457 - You turn that boat around now, 'cause my daughter 669 00:23:02,555 --> 00:23:05,460 does not have permission to be there, so this is kidnapping. 670 00:23:05,559 --> 00:23:07,929 - I did not move to New Jersey to listen to this. 671 00:23:08,029 --> 00:23:09,564 Bye. [water splashes] 672 00:23:09,663 --> 00:23:12,000 - Tom, did your uncle just throw my phone in the water? 673 00:23:12,098 --> 00:23:13,402 - Listen, my family's very wealthy. 674 00:23:13,500 --> 00:23:14,803 We'll get you a new one. 675 00:23:14,902 --> 00:23:16,338 - And get your butt-chugging tug boat 676 00:23:16,437 --> 00:23:18,006 and bring her back to the shore. 677 00:23:18,104 --> 00:23:20,409 - [vocalizes] - Whoo-hoo! 678 00:23:20,507 --> 00:23:21,676 - Oh. Ladies! 679 00:23:21,775 --> 00:23:22,977 - Uncle Bill, we've got to talk. 680 00:23:23,077 --> 00:23:24,479 - Tommy! - Hey, Tom. 681 00:23:24,578 --> 00:23:25,980 - You've really got to take it down a notch. 682 00:23:26,079 --> 00:23:27,482 I'm trying to impress my friends here. 683 00:23:27,581 --> 00:23:29,951 - Tommy, sit on my lap. - Lap? Why is everyone-- 684 00:23:30,049 --> 00:23:31,320 Wait. What are you doing? 685 00:23:31,418 --> 00:23:33,822 - Shh. Life is not a competition. 686 00:23:33,921 --> 00:23:35,056 - It's not? - You should never try 687 00:23:35,156 --> 00:23:36,558 to impress people. - Oh. 688 00:23:36,657 --> 00:23:38,960 - When you learn to be yourself and have fun, 689 00:23:39,059 --> 00:23:42,163 that's when you will feel truly rich. 690 00:23:42,261 --> 00:23:44,966 - Huh, that's great advice. - That's right. 691 00:23:45,064 --> 00:23:46,735 - You've really got life figured out, don't you? 692 00:23:46,833 --> 00:23:48,169 - I do? - You're not concerned 693 00:23:48,268 --> 00:23:50,238 with your appearance or having a job or... 694 00:23:50,338 --> 00:23:52,040 - What's wrong with my appearance? 695 00:23:52,139 --> 00:23:54,208 - Kidnapping in progress. All units respond. 696 00:23:54,307 --> 00:23:56,411 Suspect is a large man in a speedboat, 697 00:23:56,509 --> 00:23:58,808 possibly drinking beer through his rear end. 698 00:23:58,912 --> 00:24:01,049 Go, go, go! - Hang on, kids. 699 00:24:01,148 --> 00:24:03,285 - [screams] - Hey! 700 00:24:03,378 --> 00:24:05,153 [siren wailing] 701 00:24:05,251 --> 00:24:07,055 - I got to say, I'm loving New Jersey. 702 00:24:07,154 --> 00:24:08,818 Ah! [boat horn honks] 703 00:24:08,922 --> 00:24:10,292 all: Whoa. - Oh, my God. 704 00:24:10,389 --> 00:24:12,794 - Uncle Bill, man, if you were ten years old, 705 00:24:12,893 --> 00:24:14,195 I think we would be great friends. 706 00:24:14,294 --> 00:24:15,630 - I feel the same way, kid. 707 00:24:15,729 --> 00:24:17,198 - We the yacht boys. 708 00:24:17,296 --> 00:24:18,828 - Don't encourage him, Nelson. We got to head back. 709 00:24:18,932 --> 00:24:21,436 Uncle Bill, you're gonna be in, like, serious trouble. 710 00:24:21,535 --> 00:24:23,872 - Tom, let me impart some wisdom to you, okay? 711 00:24:23,971 --> 00:24:25,274 - That's enough wisdom. - On the water, 712 00:24:25,372 --> 00:24:27,576 the laws of our country don't apply. 713 00:24:27,674 --> 00:24:30,044 [kids groan] - What do we keep hitting? 714 00:24:30,143 --> 00:24:31,946 - So we can curse, we can pound beers, 715 00:24:32,045 --> 00:24:34,283 and we can operate a boat without a license 716 00:24:34,381 --> 00:24:36,651 with no legal repercussions. 717 00:24:36,750 --> 00:24:39,888 It's called maritime law. [boat engine stops] 718 00:24:39,987 --> 00:24:42,657 - Um, that's for international waters. 719 00:24:42,756 --> 00:24:43,853 - What now? 720 00:24:43,957 --> 00:24:45,794 - Here, on a lake in New Jersey, 721 00:24:45,893 --> 00:24:47,762 we are very much under U.S. law. 722 00:24:47,861 --> 00:24:49,898 - [groans] I never should've dropped 723 00:24:49,996 --> 00:24:51,366 out of college to become a ball boy. 724 00:24:51,465 --> 00:24:53,368 Worst mistake of my life. [siren wailing] 725 00:24:53,467 --> 00:24:55,103 I'm out of here. - Out of here? 726 00:24:55,201 --> 00:24:57,506 - Uh, you can't leave. You're the only adult. 727 00:24:57,604 --> 00:24:59,508 - I can't get arrested my first day in New Jersey. 728 00:24:59,607 --> 00:25:01,042 I'm supposed to start a new life here. 729 00:25:01,141 --> 00:25:02,076 - You can't leave little kids on a boat. 730 00:25:02,176 --> 00:25:03,312 [water splashes] Bill. 731 00:25:03,410 --> 00:25:04,874 [engine rumbles] - Take care, kids. 732 00:25:04,978 --> 00:25:07,148 Hey, lady, how are you? [siren wails] 733 00:25:07,246 --> 00:25:09,851 - We are boarding the vessel. - Oh, no, please, don't. 734 00:25:09,950 --> 00:25:12,882 - Shut up. This is a forced boarding. 735 00:25:12,986 --> 00:25:14,589 - All right, who is the legal owner 736 00:25:14,688 --> 00:25:16,558 of Dem Titties, the boat? 737 00:25:16,657 --> 00:25:17,926 both: Tom. - Tom. 738 00:25:18,024 --> 00:25:20,194 - Me? Oh, no. I don't own it. - What? 739 00:25:20,293 --> 00:25:22,397 - Did I give the impression that I owned the boat? 740 00:25:22,496 --> 00:25:25,967 - Yes. The invite said "Welcome to Tom's Yacht, 741 00:25:26,067 --> 00:25:27,702 an afternoon of pure luxury." 742 00:25:27,801 --> 00:25:28,970 - Oh, no, that should've said 743 00:25:29,068 --> 00:25:30,739 "I live near a guy who owns a boat." 744 00:25:30,837 --> 00:25:33,775 - I don't like saying this, Tom, but I'm starting to see 745 00:25:33,874 --> 00:25:36,378 why my mom doesn't like me to hang out with you. 746 00:25:38,712 --> 00:25:39,948 - What a disaster. 747 00:25:40,046 --> 00:25:41,516 I'm sorry, Mom. - Why are you sorry? 748 00:25:41,615 --> 00:25:43,585 - I made us look like the biggest losers in town. 749 00:25:43,678 --> 00:25:45,387 - The second-biggest losers. 750 00:25:45,486 --> 00:25:47,121 Rick got kicked out of the marina, 751 00:25:47,220 --> 00:25:49,190 so he has a crappy boat in his front yard. 752 00:25:49,289 --> 00:25:50,659 - Hey, Rick, thanks again for the invite. 753 00:25:50,757 --> 00:25:52,861 Friends had a blast. - Shut your mouth, Tom. 754 00:25:52,960 --> 00:25:54,228 Just shut up. - He's just jealous. 755 00:25:54,327 --> 00:25:55,664 He doesn't have a front-yard hot tub. 756 00:25:55,762 --> 00:25:59,634 - Oh, yeah. That Rick is a pathetic loser. 757 00:25:59,734 --> 00:26:01,102 [laughs] 758 00:26:01,200 --> 00:26:02,604 Now, if you excuse me for one moment, 759 00:26:02,703 --> 00:26:06,207 I have to go take a poop in my van. 760 00:26:06,306 --> 00:26:08,242 - I'm the king of the world! 761 00:26:08,341 --> 00:26:10,379 - ♪ Remember there's more road ♪ 762 00:26:10,478 --> 00:26:12,447 ♪ And places to go ♪ 763 00:26:12,546 --> 00:26:14,248 ♪ Patterns to contemplate ♪ 764 00:26:14,348 --> 00:26:16,017 ♪ More people to fornicate ♪ 765 00:26:16,116 --> 00:26:19,220 ♪ And remember there's a lot of good omens ♪ 766 00:26:19,320 --> 00:26:20,855 ♪ Supplying the proof ♪ 767 00:26:20,954 --> 00:26:24,593 ♪ That our life is the best joke ever told ♪ 768 00:26:24,692 --> 00:26:28,897 ♪ Remember it's a joke and leave it alone ♪ 769 00:26:28,995 --> 00:26:33,034 ♪ Let go and try to be always abiding ♪ 770 00:26:33,132 --> 00:26:37,005 ♪ Remember if there's one good reason for dying ♪ 771 00:26:37,103 --> 00:26:39,240 ♪ The sweet silver lining ♪ 772 00:26:39,340 --> 00:26:41,643 ♪ Through you she lives on ♪ 773 00:26:41,741 --> 00:26:45,447 ♪ And therein lies a truth we can sip when we want ♪ 774 00:26:45,545 --> 00:26:49,718 ♪ Disciples of the flow, we can float anywhere ♪ 775 00:26:49,817 --> 00:26:52,287 ♪ ♪