- ♪ Now as our poor young lungs deflate ♪
♪ I'll admit I've gotten older ♪
♪ Mellowed out, chatting up those I used to hate ♪
♪ ♪
♪ The feeling that we're lost will always fade ♪
♪ I present no explanations ♪
♪ Can't expect our tired patience ♪
♪ To satiate for long ♪
♪ Therein lies a truth we can sip when we want ♪
♪ Disciples of the flow, we can float anywhere ♪
♪ ♪
[school bell rings] - Hi, kids.
I hope you're having a large day.
Listen, I have some very exciting news.
Just like most stadiums,
we've sold the naming rights to our school,
so starting today,
we're no longer Shady Oaks Elementary,
but rather Henderson Consulting Elementary.
And our mascot is no longer the Squirrels...
- What? - But the Consultants.
So go, Consultants.
- What the fuck is this?
- Okay, kids, let's get some
Henderson Consulting energy out here.
Tom, I-I need a word. - Oh.
- Come here. - Hey, what's up, Coach?
- Listen, Tom, a rep from Henderson Consulting is here,
and he wants to speak with you. - A rep? Why me?
- Listen, I don't know. I mean, he said,
"I need to speak with the goofy-looking idiot,"
and I assumed it was you.
- Sounds like someone else, though.
- Okay, Tom, look alive. Here he is.
Hank, this is Tom, the--the goofy idiot.
- Hey, I'm Tom. - You're Tom.
T-O-M or T-H-O-M? - [stammers]
- How do you spell it, Tom? How do you spell your name?
- T-O-M, T-O-M. - Tom, I'm Hank.
H-A-N-K. - Okay.
Listen, we've been watching you in gym class,
and we're a little concerned. - Concerned. Why?
- Tom, when Henderson Consulting
bought this gym, your childhood ended.
- Doesn't sound fun.
- When you step onto that gym floor,
it's a reflection on our brand. - Oh.
- It's not just "ha ha ha, heh heh heh" anymore, okay?
- Okay. - We need you to embody
our corporate values--
confidence, strength, integrity.
- All right, I'll just, uh, dial up the, uh, confidence
and try to be strong.
- That sounds like lip service to me.
Trying to end this conversation, Tom?
- I just want to play kickball. - Just try to step it up, okay?
Or we're gonna need to downsize you from the gym.
- You're gonna fire me from gym?
- We don't call it that, but, yes.
In effect, we'd be canning you from gym.
- Nelson, could I ask you a question?
- Sure, buddy, anything. - Do you think I exude
confidence, strength, and integrity?
- Nope. - Just nope?
Flat-out nope? - Yeah. Absolutely not.
- Yeah, I agree with Nelson on this one.
- Wait. What?
- Yeah, I'd say you exude weakness...
- No. - Fear...
- No one asked about-- - And a feebleness.
- We didn't solicit your opinion.
- Tom, I'm sorry. I have to barge in.
- No. Not now.
- Trust me. You're gonna want to hear this.
If you want to act like a confident businessperson,
you got to spend time around them.
- How? My uncle's an unemployed ball boy,
and I have no idea what my mom does.
- Look, don't tell anybody this,
but I drive a Hertz shuttle in the afternoons.
- Wait. You have another job? You're not just the bus driver?
- Yes, that's right, Tom.
I drive a lot of large vehicles.
- Major breach of your contract.
- Guess who's in the Hertz shuttle.
Confident businesspeople.
- You're just saying I can go watch
businesspeople on the Hertz shuttle?
- That's exactly what I'm saying.
You're gonna be swimming in businesspeople.
- Swimming in businesspeople? That sounds amazing.
Nelson, you want to, uh, tag along?
- Uh, as far as invites go,
that's not exactly a "hot one" for me, but sure.
What's the worst that could happen?
[soft jazz music]
- Wow. This is amazing.
Look at all these confident businesspeople.
- Yeah, Tom, just watch and learn.
These Gold Club members really know how to talk business.
- Hey, jackass, where have you been?
My flight leaves in 40 minutes. - Uh, sorry. Yeah.
- And turn up the AC, dipshit. It's 1,000 degrees in here.
- Turning it up. I guess I should've mentioned--
in this environment, I don't possess the same
god-like status as I do on the school bus.
- Yeah, this a whole other persona.
- But did you see
how confidently they asserted themselves?
Learn from them, guys. - Hey, there, Bill.
As per our last conversation,
I wanted to circle back with you.
- "As per"? I love that.
- We have got to move the needle, guys.
Move the goddamn needle.
- Ooh, I like that. Write that down.
- Okay, do not forget-- my door is always open.
- "My door is always open"?
This is like a whole new way of talking.
- Come on, people, synergy is the name of the game--
corporate synergy, baby.
- That's a great business word. Synergy--I love it.
- There's a Y in that. - Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
- How's this? - There you go.
- Wow. This opens up a whole new world for me.
Bus driver, I got to say, thank you so much.
This is a huge help. - Anytime, Tom.
You see, life is a lot like driving a shuttle.
- You just drove past United Airlines
four times now, Captain Idiot.
- Sorry, I-I was a little distracted.
- Wow. I used to look up to you,
but you're a real jackass in this environment.
[whistle blows]
- Okay, kids, look alive out there! I love it!
- Coach, this new mascot outfit is not fun at all.
I can't work with this. - Why can't you work with it?
- How's anybody even going to know I'm a consultant?
- This company is paying a lot of money, Randy.
Just find your inner consultant and let it shine.
- I know next to nothing about consultants.
- Randy, your squirrel days are done.
Take the squirrel energy and make it consultant energy.
- So you just want me to do my squirrel jumps
as the consultant?
Okay, sure, that reads.
- Shut up and get out there and move on.
- Fine!
- Hey, what's up, big guy? Working hard or hardly working?
- What? "Big guy"? - Mondays, am I right?
- Mond--hold on a second. - Look at this crazy guy.
Give me a shake. Put it there, pal.
- What's wrong with you? - You know what?
Let's put a pin in this conversation.
Let's circle back.
Listen, gang, I'm gonna do a quick huddle.
Let's just get on the same page over here.
You know what I want to see on the kickball field today?
Synergy. - I'm sorry, what?
I want you to think outside the box.
I want to see you guys move the goddamn needle.
- I'm not following. - My door's always open.
- What door? - My proverbial door.
- What are you talking about?
- Hector, when it's your turn to talk, I'll call on you.
Okay? [clicks tongue]
- Why are you talking like a tool?
You don't usually talk like a tool.
- The only tools that this squad should be concerned with
are tools for success.
Now, go, Consultants. All right.
- Are we playing kickball? What's happening?
- Excuse me, but could I work for you?
- Oh, hey, Hank.
- Tom, that was quite a turnaround.
Are you the same kid
who was moping around like a loser two days ago?
- I wouldn't say that, but, yeah.
You know, I've been learning the corporate values.
- Listen, Tom, we're looking for a kid
to appear in our logo and marketing materials.
You could be perfect. - Really?
- Your whole demeanor screams,
"I'm young but with a mind for business."
- That's amazing. Would I get paid, or how does that work?
- You're gonna get paid out the wazoo.
- It's tempting. I'm not sure what a wazoo is, but, uh...
- It's a butthole, Tom. - Oh.
- A wazoo is a butthole.
- Okay. - Just ask your mom.
When we get the green light, I'm gonna present you
at the shareholder's meeting. - Trust me.
if I've got money coming out of my butthole,
she'll be fine with it.
- ♪ Henderson Consulting, Henderson Consulting ♪
♪ We're consulting to the top ♪
- Wow, wow, wow. This is incredible, buddy.
- Ah, it feels good being a corporate tool.
I really--I like this. I like the whole persona.
- It looks good on you, kid.
- Hello. You must be Tom's mother.
- Yep. - How do you spell your name?
- Uh, T-O-M'S. - I love it.
Okay, Tom, here's how it's gonna go.
- M-O-M. - The CEO will finish his talk.
Then when I give you the signal,
I want you to jump in the air and scream,
"I'm a Henderson Consulting kid, whoo-hoo!"
- Okay. Do I have to say "whoo-hoo," though?
It feels a little out of character.
- Tom, we're paying you a lot of money.
When we ask you to say whoo-hoo,
you need to fucking say whoo-hoo--pardon the language.
- Hey, with what you guys are paying us,
you can curse in front of this little cocksucker
all you want. - That's the attitude.
All right, I'll see you guys in a few.
Hey, and remember... - Yeah.
- Really land that whoo-hoo.
- Uh, yeah, I think you made your point clear.
- Good afternoon, gang.
Great to be in front of all of you.
We're here to talk about the future of Henderson Consulting.
Now, I know you've seen all the headlines,
all the scandal.
Listen, put it behind you,
because today we're talking about building
a brighter future for our kids, right?
- Yep, that's right.
- Sure, we consulted on the BP oil spill,
but we're not about oil spills.
We're about families.
- Wait. What? - What did he just say?
- And, yeah, we helped orchestrate
numerous political assassinations,
but we're not about murdering people for political gain.
We're about communities. - They do murders?
- Why are they just announcing it?
- And, yeah, we do have strong ties to the 9/11 attackers
as consultants.
We didn't do any of these things.
We consulted.
- Wait. Did he for real just say 9/11?
- Consult on 9/11-- what does that even mean?
- We're here to help families and communities.
Now, as a special treat, here's the boy
who's featured in our new marketing campaign,
"Because We Care!"
Come on out here, Tom!
- You can't go out there, dude. These people are evil, Tom.
- They're paying me.
I have to say I'm a Henderson Consulting kid.
- Tom, our family's all about morals and integrity.
- Since when? - You know what?
When you said "since when" just now,
I was literally trying to think of a date, and I can't.
- All right, how about this?
I'll say the line, but I won't say whoo-hoo--is that fair?
- Yeah, that sounds like a good in-between.
- I'll say the line but in a droll,
unenthusiastic manner.
- I'm proud of you, Tom. I'm proud of you right now.
- Look at this kid! Anything you want to say?
- Um, I'm a Henderson Consulting kid,
but on moral grounds, I refuse to say whoo-hoo.
- What?
- This kid sucks. - Oh, gosh.
- You just shit the bed, kid.
- Tom, get in here. - What happened?
Hank from Henderson Consulting
just tore me a new A-hole. - Sorry to hear that.
- Well, he's threatening to pull the deal.
They think you're disloyal. - I am disloyal.
That company seems very shady.
- Tom, all companies are shady.
- All companies are shady? - Yes.
Even the school's shady. - What?
- Do you know how much corrupt stuff I do each day
to help you kids? - Really? What do you do?
- I steal from the lunch lady's tip jar.
- That's awful. - I blackmail
the superintendent of other schools...
- That's terrible. - I embezzle money
from emergency funds, and it's all for you kids.
- So you have to do bad stuff to make good stuff happen?
- Exactly. Now you get it.
Listen, these people want loyalty.
Let's give them loyalty. - How would I do that?
- I was hoping you might consider...
- I'm listening. - Getting a tattoo that says
"Henderson Consulting, because integrity matters."
- I'm sorry. It sounds like you said "tattoo."
- 'Cause I did. - Have you lost your mind?
- It can be so discrete. It can be on your rear end.
- That's your sales pitch.
You can get it on your rear end?
- Tom, if we don't get their funding,
this whole school goes bankrupt.
- You're telling me either I get a tattoo on my rear end,
or the school goes bankrupt. - Pretty much.
- I can't imagine how we arrived at this situation.
- Tom, are you sure you want to do this?
- I'm being told it's the only way out.
- So you're gonna have a Henderson Consulting tattoo
on your butt for the rest of your life?
- That's the downside. That's the downside.
But, I mean, how many people actually see my rear end?
Half a dozen a year, if that.
- That's a lot of people.
- I mean, my mom, the doctor,
randomly people pull my pants down.
- Okay, you're right. You're right.
Other than that, it's a low traffic area.
- Yeah, this tattoo is gonna be, uh, very nice.
- Hey, are you the tattoo guy? - I'm the tattoo artist.
- Oh, hey, I'm, uh, Tom. I'm your 3:00.
- Uh-huh. You're my 3:00. I'm not giving a kid a tattoo.
- He's ten, but he's technically, like, 20
'cause he went through puberty at nine.
- I'm a very old ten.
- You see the disappointment in his eyes.
This guy's lived a full life. - It's true.
- Yeah, all right, I need the money.
Whatever. All right, what are we doing?
- I just want a small tattoo that says,
"Henderson Consulting, because integrity matters,"
and I'd like it on my rear end. - Wow.
- What's wrong? - Would you ask Rembrandt
to paint "The Night Watch" on someone's butt?
- Rembrandt? No. Probably not. - Would you ask Monet
to paint "Water Lilies" on someone's asshole?
- Doesn't sound like a great painting, no.
- So don't ask me to do rear-end tattoos.
Just show a little respect.
- So what do you have in mind? What would you rather do?
- What if we did something artistic on your upper back?
- Upper back? - Like a serpent.
- No, relax. - Or a dragon breathing fire.
And we can have the flames spell out Henderson Consulting.
- I'm not gonna lie, I kind of love that.
- You are good.
I'm glad we rode our bikes six hours to Staten Island.
[indistinct chatter]
[knock on door]
- Hey, Hank-a-roo. Can I have a word?
- Tom, what are you doing here?
- Listen, I know I embarrassed you guys at the meeting,
but I wanted to show how committed I am to the brand.
So I went out, and I got a tattoo of a dragon
breathing fire onto a bunch of villagers, and it says,
"Henderson Consulting, because integrity matters."
And then there's a bunch of dead eels
and serpents in the background.
- What, now? You got a tattoo. - Yeah.
- Tom, I don't know how to say this.
There's no more Henderson Consulting.
- Excuse me? - We were dissolved.
And we've been eaten alive by PricewaterhouseCoopers,
so we are now part of their company.
- Oh, so I did all this for nothing?
- Pretty much, yeah, but, hey,
walk out of here with your head high.
You had a good run. - Did I?
I bombed at a meeting,
and now I have a dragon tattooed on my back.
- Welcome to the world of business.
[upbeat music]
♪ ♪
[doorbell rings] - This is so weird.
Why did Dakota's mom invite us to dinner?
Are you guys even friends?
- I'm friends with anyone who offers me free food.
You should know that by now.
- I thought you call her mom "The Witch."
- Yeah, we're having dinner at The Witch's house.
[door opens] - Oh, hi.
- Hey, Dakota's mom. - Hey, Tom.
Tom's mom. - Brad, shut up.
- Sorry. - I'm so glad you made it.
- We brought a little something.
- You know, in this house, we have a policy.
Life is too short to drink cheap wine.
[laughs]
Oh, my gosh, you know what? I haven't laughed in so long.
I love to laugh. [laughing]
- What's the joke? That we're poor?
- Anyway, we just remodeled,
and I have to give you the grand tour,
but please take off your shoes.
You know, I don't want you tracking mud through the house
like, you know, a bunch of wild animals.
[laughing] Oh, I love to laugh.
- Jokes really aren't landing, are they?
- No.
- This is little Dakota's room.
Dakota, tell them how much your desk cost.
- Rather not. Feels rude. - Oh, come on.
We got to talk in wine terms here,
so you can figure out what's going on.
It cost about ten cases of that wine.
- Oh, wow. You don't see a lot of in-house pillars.
- I know. You've never seen
baroque pillars in suburbia, right?
The toilet alone cost more than 100 bottles of wine
from that shitty vineyard that you brought.
- We understand what money's worth.
You don't have to compare it to the wine.
Nice attic.
- I mean, I'm starting to wonder,
am I in a hell dream? - Ta-da!
- We don't need to see the hot-water heater.
- It cost a buttload.
- You know what? Why don't we...
- Yeah, I'm starving.
- Honestly, I am so exhausted from the tour.
Can we do dinner some other time?
- No food? - Goodbye, Tom.
- This was so much fun. It really was.
Bye-bye. - Goodbye.
- Thank you. - Where's the food?
- Ugh, that woman is a monster.
- That was awful.
- I'm tired of being the poor family in town, so guess what.
- We're gonna finally move some place affordable?
- Don't say dumb things. We're buying a hot tub.
- Mom, we can't afford a hot tub.
- On layaway, you can afford anything, baby.
- Layaway? - Yeah, you just go,
"Ah, I'll pay for it later."
- So you just assume we'll get wealthy later?
- You just keep it.
It's not about getting wealthy later.
[knock on door] Uh-oh, there's the plumber.
- Oh, this is happening? He's here now?
- Yep. I need you to talk to him, and you know the drill.
- What is this-- things to say to plumbers?
- Yeah, literally. Look at the title of the note.
- Hi, kid. Is your mom home?
- Oh, no. She doesn't talk to plumbers.
Remember, my dad was a plumber. - Yes, I remember this house.
- Yeah, she doesn't like the profession.
- Right. - Weasels and can't be trusted.
- Yes, I recall. - Anyway, she said to tell you,
"Give us the classiest hot tub you've got
"and install it in the front yard,
where the smug B-holes can all see it."
- No, can do. That's actually against city code.
- Oh, no. You have to do it. - I don't have to do anything.
That's why I chose this job,
so no one could tell me what to do.
- Well, plumbers more or less
have to do what needs to be fixed.
- Mm, no. - There have got to be laws
applying to plumbers, I imagine.
- I mean, the same laws as everybody in society has
we have to follow, but there's no, like,
"special laws" for plumbers. - All right, listen.
It says here in the paper, "If the plumber gives you any lip,
tell him to shut his pie hole and just install the thing."
- Um, can I see the paper? - Yeah.
It's got a whole list of responses, yeah.
- All right, well, fair enough. I just need your signature.
And I'll get started. - Great.
I'm glad you gave in and you're doing what you're told.
- I didn't "gave in." I-I'm choosing to do it.
- All right. Agree to disagree.
[rock music]
[door opens] Hey, how's it going out here?
- Kid, I'm gonna be here a while.
Can I use your bathroom really quick?
- Oh, no, we have a strict "no plumbers in the house" rule.
- I can't even use your bathroom?
- No. Not if you're a plumber.
Not if you're a licensed plumber.
- What--I--so you're gonna make me
defecate in my own van?
- Van. What? No. I never said that.
- You said I can't go in. Where am I supposed to go?
- Anywhere-- Starbucks, gas station,
behind a 7-Eleven.
- I can't believe this is happening.
- What are you doing? - As a plumber,
this goes against everything I believe in.
Defecating without the use of modern plumbing?
[flatulence] - This is awkward.
- Are you talking out there?
- Oh, my God. [flatulence]
We should have a policy against this.
- I hope you're happy, kid.
You just humiliated a grown man.
I'm sorry, Ma! Your boy's a failure!
I just took a dump in Dad's van!
[sighs and cries]
- Um, listen, I have a baseball game to go to.
If you could just finish crying, install the tub,
and get out of here, that'd be--that'd be great.
- What the hell did I just do? [cries]
- Wow. This is an emotional plumbing visit.
- Go for third, Tom! Way to hustle!
- Whoo! Yes, Tom. A triple. [laughs]
Reminds me of the triple jets in my front-yard hot tub.
- Uh, what?
- I guess probably you couldn't afford one of those.
You just have a standard hot tub
like a bunch of peasants.
- I-I've never heard of a hot tub in the front yard.
- I mean, I don't know what to tell you.
I guess, the only advice I would have
would be to read classier magazines, bitch.
[laughing] I love to laugh.
- Well, first of all, don't call me bitch.
But, you know, I just find it funny that a gaggle
of disgusting people like yourselves
would get something right. - I'm so confused.
Are you two friends, or what's going on here?
- Yeah, we're like "Sex and the City."
♪ ♪
- Mom, wait.
You invited everyone over to see our hot tub?
- Tom, remember the golden rule of life.
The reason you buy classy things
is so you can rub them in people's faces.
- Oh, no. Is that the plumber and my school nurse?
[tires screech]
[rap music]
- Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo.
- Hey, what's happening out here?
- Oh, hey. You're home early.
- Tom, what are you doing here?
- What am I doing here? This is my house.
- Wait, this is your house?
No one told me this is your house.
- Wait, wait, wait.
Are you two having sex right now?
- No. What makes you think we're having sex right now?
- [grunts] - What's happening?
- Tom, do not look in the plumber's eyes.
- What's he doing? [car door opens]
- No, no, no. No, no. Everybody, beat it.
There's nothing to see here.
- Oh, for the love of God. Look away, Dakota!
- Yeah, don't look at this, children.
- Plumber, you need to leave right now.
- I actually don't.
Your son signed a contract that I can do this.
- "Until fully paid off, plumber owns 50%
"of hot tub and can nail women in it
whenever he damn well pleases"?
What? I signed this?
- Tom. - I'm sorry, Mom.
I should've read the fine print.
- Wow. Tom's mom is running a brothel.
- A suburban brothel?
Now I've seen it all. This is just disgusting.
- In our defense,
technically, he's being paid for plumbing.
- Tom-bo. - Oh, hey, Rick.
Not a good time. - I haven't seen your mom
in a while-- is everything good?
- She's gonna live indoors for a few weeks.
She's kind of embarrassed. - Really? Why?
- We tried to look wealthy,
and now people think we're running a brothel.
The hot tub just didn't work.
- Hey, Tommy, hop up on my knee.
- I'd rather not.
- It's worth it. - All right.
- If you want to impress people,
a hot tub is not the answer. - Oh, really?
We were told it's a sign of wealth.
- Who said that?
- Various pamphlets and brochures.
- Right. Hillbilly stuff.
If you want to flaunt your wealth,
you come to my boat, you invite your friends,
and then you just tell them, "I co-own this boat."
- Really? You'd do that for me? - We are neighbors.
And like a good neighbor, Rick is there.
I just came up with that. - I got to say--
underneath the slick hair and the weird personality
and the license plate that says "BNG CH1X,"
you're a sweet guy.
- That was my second-choice plate.
You want to know what the first one was, Tom?
"Dem Titties."
- Oh, that's good, too. Yeah, two solid options.
[boat horn honks]
Okay, everyone, feast your eyes on Tom's yacht.
- Wow. This is yours? - There she is.
- In all these years, how did you never mention
that you own a boat named "Dem Titties"?
- You know, we're humble, wealthy people,
and I don't like to flaunt it.
- This would've gone a long way with my mom
if she knew you owned a yacht. [boat horn honks]
- Whoo! - Oh, no.
Don't touch that, Nelson. [boat horn honks]
- [laughs] Yacht.
- Come on, guys, let's relax.
- Tommy! - Oh, no.
- Oh, God, now, this is life.
Is this what it's always like in New Jersey?
[laughs] - Uncle Bill?
- Yeah, you crazy son of a bitch.
Give me a hug. - Oh, no, no, no.
Uncle Bill, stop. - [grunts]
- You came down from Boston for this?
- I didn't just come down. I moved down.
- You moved here just for this trip.
- Yeah, I told those Red Sox,
"You find a new ball boy, you assholes.
My nephew owns a boat." [laughs]
- Oh, no. Please, too much. Too much.
[boat horn honks]
- Let's go. - All right, everyone, relax.
We just need to wait for a guy named Rick.
- Wait? Boat owners don't wait.
As Tom Hanks once said, "I'm the captain now."
- No, Uncle Bill, put the keys down.
- Actually, Tom Hanks never said that--it was the hijacker.
- All right, listen, I never saw the movie.
I never saw the movie. I don't know what I'm talking about.
- You're not the captain now. - Tom, quick question--
is this safe? - Shut up!
- Uncle Bill, you got to untie the ropes.
- Just enjoy yourselves. - Oh, no. Please.
- Whoo! - Whoo-hoo!
- What do you think?
You guys enjoying a taste of the Tom lifestyle?
- Yo, you know how to live, baby.
- Hi, Mom. Hey, say hi to the guys.
all: Hey. - Mom, I'm so jealous
'cause Tom owns a boat.
- You never told me Tom owns a boat.
Put him on. - Whoo.
- Yeah, yeah, Tom, my mom wants to talk to you. Say hi.
- Hey, how's it going, Dakota's mom?
- I need to know what the hell is going on here.
- What's going on? Just standard yacht behavior.
We're just nibbling on hors d'oeuvres,
enjoying the fresh breeze in our hair.
- I'm the king of the world. Where my New Jersey bitches at?
- Uncle Bill, please. - Wait, who was that?
- Oh, it's Tom's uncle. He's our chaperone.
- He's the chaperone?
- Oh, yeah, we're in good hands.
- Hey, ladies, take off your tops.
- We got the juice box, bitches.
- Nelson, I'm FaceTiming with my mom--language!
- Put him on. Put him on with me right now.
- You don't need to talk to Uncle Bill.
- Give me the phone. Give me the phone.
How's it going, toots? - Don't say "toots."
- You listen here, you Neanderthal.
- Oh, lady, lady, lady. Lady.
- If anything happens to my daughter...
- You sound very uptight. That's no way to live.
Let me help you. Get over here.
We'll butt-chug a few beers together, huh?
- What on earth is butt-chugging?
- He's kidding. No.
- It's where you drink your beer through your anus.
It was popular in frat parties,
but I incorporate in my everyday life.
- Yeah, that's very common.
Very commonplace among wealthy boat owners.
- You turn that boat around now, 'cause my daughter
does not have permission to be there, so this is kidnapping.
- I did not move to New Jersey to listen to this.
Bye. [water splashes]
- Tom, did your uncle just throw my phone in the water?
- Listen, my family's very wealthy.
We'll get you a new one.
- And get your butt-chugging tug boat
and bring her back to the shore.
- [vocalizes] - Whoo-hoo!
- Oh. Ladies!
- Uncle Bill, we've got to talk.
- Tommy! - Hey, Tom.
- You've really got to take it down a notch.
I'm trying to impress my friends here.
- Tommy, sit on my lap. - Lap? Why is everyone--
Wait. What are you doing?
- Shh. Life is not a competition.
- It's not? - You should never try
to impress people. - Oh.
- When you learn to be yourself and have fun,
that's when you will feel truly rich.
- Huh, that's great advice. - That's right.
- You've really got life figured out, don't you?
- I do? - You're not concerned
with your appearance or having a job or...
- What's wrong with my appearance?
- Kidnapping in progress. All units respond.
Suspect is a large man in a speedboat,
possibly drinking beer through his rear end.
Go, go, go! - Hang on, kids.
- [screams] - Hey!
[siren wailing]
- I got to say, I'm loving New Jersey.
Ah! [boat horn honks]
all: Whoa. - Oh, my God.
- Uncle Bill, man, if you were ten years old,
I think we would be great friends.
- I feel the same way, kid.
- We the yacht boys.
- Don't encourage him, Nelson. We got to head back.
Uncle Bill, you're gonna be in, like, serious trouble.
- Tom, let me impart some wisdom to you, okay?
- That's enough wisdom. - On the water,
the laws of our country don't apply.
[kids groan] - What do we keep hitting?
- So we can curse, we can pound beers,
and we can operate a boat without a license
with no legal repercussions.
It's called maritime law. [boat engine stops]
- Um, that's for international waters.
- What now?
- Here, on a lake in New Jersey,
we are very much under U.S. law.
- [groans] I never should've dropped
out of college to become a ball boy.
Worst mistake of my life. [siren wailing]
I'm out of here. - Out of here?
- Uh, you can't leave. You're the only adult.
- I can't get arrested my first day in New Jersey.
I'm supposed to start a new life here.
- You can't leave little kids on a boat.
[water splashes] Bill.
[engine rumbles] - Take care, kids.
Hey, lady, how are you? [siren wails]
- We are boarding the vessel. - Oh, no, please, don't.
- Shut up. This is a forced boarding.
- All right, who is the legal owner
of Dem Titties, the boat?
both: Tom. - Tom.
- Me? Oh, no. I don't own it. - What?
- Did I give the impression that I owned the boat?
- Yes. The invite said "Welcome to Tom's Yacht,
an afternoon of pure luxury."
- Oh, no, that should've said
"I live near a guy who owns a boat."
- I don't like saying this, Tom, but I'm starting to see
why my mom doesn't like me to hang out with you.
- What a disaster.
I'm sorry, Mom. - Why are you sorry?
- I made us look like the biggest losers in town.
- The second-biggest losers.
Rick got kicked out of the marina,
so he has a crappy boat in his front yard.
- Hey, Rick, thanks again for the invite.
Friends had a blast. - Shut your mouth, Tom.
Just shut up. - He's just jealous.
He doesn't have a front-yard hot tub.
- Oh, yeah. That Rick is a pathetic loser.
[laughs]
Now, if you excuse me for one moment,
I have to go take a poop in my van.
- I'm the king of the world!
- ♪ Remember there's more road ♪
♪ And places to go ♪
♪ Patterns to contemplate ♪
♪ More people to fornicate ♪
♪ And remember there's a lot of good omens ♪
♪ Supplying the proof ♪
♪ That our life is the best joke ever told ♪
♪ Remember it's a joke and leave it alone ♪
♪ Let go and try to be always abiding ♪
♪ Remember if there's one good reason for dying ♪
♪ The sweet silver lining ♪
♪ Through you she lives on ♪
♪ And therein lies a truth we can sip when we want ♪
♪ Disciples of the flow, we can float anywhere ♪
♪ ♪