- ♪ Now as our poor young lungs deflate ♪
♪ I'll admit I've gotten older ♪
♪ Mellowed out, chatting up those I used to hate ♪
♪ ♪
♪ The feeling that we're lost will always fade ♪
♪ I present no explanations ♪
♪ Can't expect our tired patience ♪
♪ To satiate for long ♪
♪ Therein lies a truth we can sip when we want ♪
♪ Disciples of the flow, we can float anywhere ♪
♪ ♪
[lively music playing]
- Okay, adios.
Buenas noches.
Vamos a la playa.
Dinner was bueno.
- Babe, you don't need to speak Spanish.
These people are from New Jersey, honey.
- Well, you know I like to soak in the experience.
- Okay, assholes...
- [gasps] - Give me your money.
- Hey, you're messing with the wrong guy.
I'm a grade school gym teacher,
so I'm in my top physical condition.
- Actually, I targeted you 'cause you just
stuffed your face with nachos for half an hour.
In the mugging community,
you're what we call an easy target.
- Okay, okay, tone it down. - Oh, my God!
Honey, stop him! - He got a gun.
- No, no, no, it's a piece of salami.
But it hurts if I slap you with it.
- Ow. Hey, man. - Yeah.
- Stop. - No, I'm not gonna stop.
- Baby, fight back. - Ow.
- He's robbing us with a salami.
- Normally I would fight back,
but I'm wearing my good shirt.
- I like that shirt, by the way.
Hand it over. - Okay, take the shirt.
- Oh, my God. - Pants too,
so I've got the full outfit.
- Honey, don't give him your pants!
- He said he need a full outfit.
Don't argue with the guy.
- All right, you guys have a great night.
And thanks for being such a pussy.
It makes the whole exchange so much easier.
[school bell rings]
- Kids, I'm gonna tell it to you straight:
The world is a rough place,
and if you don't know how to fight,
some maniac is gonna slap you with a salami
in front of your wife. - Strange start to gym class.
- So today we're learning self-defense.
Let's start with the four A's of tae kwon do:
"Always attack any asshole."
- I'm Korean, and I'm pretty sure that's not accurate.
- Yes, it is. Tom, you look like a victim.
So come up and participate in a real-life mugging simulation.
- Mugging simulation? No. Who am I simulating with?
[door bangs open] - Okay, you little weirdos.
Who wants to wrestle? - Oh, no.
I'm not--I'm not fighting the janitor.
- Come on, Tom. - Do it.
- Yeah, Tom, do it.
- Jacob, play the tae kwon do music.
- You got it, boss.
[rock music playing] - ♪ Tae kwon do ♪
- There's no such thing as tae kwon do music.
- Hey, I'm gonna tae kwon do the heck outta you.
- All right, come on. He's way too big.
Let me fight Dakota instead.
- It's gonna be a no. Sorry.
- I'm not fighting a drunk janitor.
- Tom, stop making excuses. - Is this happening?
- You afraid of me? - Of course I'm afraid.
I'm a ten-year-old kid. Come on.
Stop it. Someone call the principal.
- In the real world, there are no principals.
Just grown men slapping you with a salami.
- [grunting] Gotcha! You been tae kwon do'd!
- You don't use a mop in tae kwon do.
There's no mop in tae kwon do.
I did not come across looking good, did I?
- Everybody think you weak now, Tom.
- I'm not in that guy's weight class.
I shouldn't be fighting grown janitors.
It's not fair. - The world's not fair.
You know what you gotta do?
You gotta tap into your inner rage.
- Inner rage? I don't have any inner rage.
- Everybody got inner rage. You just gotta manifest it.
What would you do if somebody stole your backpack?
- Stole my backpack? I'd kick their ass.
- That's what I'm talking about right there.
What would you do if somebody stole your mom?
- Do people do things like that?
- Yeah. - I feel angry
just thinking about it.
- That's the rage I wanna see right there.
- All right, if it ever happens again,
at least now I know. - Ooh.
Yummy, string cheese.
Don't mind if I do.
- Always attack any asshole. Tae kwon do!
- Ahh!
- I have nothing to do with this.
- What the hell? - [groaning]
- Why's everyone looking at me? I'm doing what I was taught.
- Tom, that was for self-defense,
not a kid nibbling on a string cheese.
God. - Come on. He attacked me.
He attacked the cheese. both: What?
- He assaulted my string cheese.
- No, Randy said, "Yummy, string cheese,"
and you kick him in the face? - [groaning]
- Did he say, "Yummy, string cheese"?
- He said, "Yummy, string cheese," Tom.
- [groaning] - Huh.
- "Huh" is right.
[dramatic music]
- I can explain. It was self-defense.
- Tom... - Yeah?
- I just don't know how
to get it through to some of you kids,
and I know this is highly frowned upon,
but I thought it through, Tom,
and I'm going to do a closed-door spanking.
- No, no, plea-- oh, is that what this is?
- Yes. I'm gonna spank the violence out of you.
- Oh, for your sake, don't. It's--it's a career-ender.
- That's why I'm asking you to sign this release
that says you're okay with some mild spanking.
- I'm not signing that. - Lay down on my desk,
and let's get this over with. - Oh, my God.
- Tom, come here. - No. I'm not doing it.
- Tom, stop walking. You're not going anywhere.
- Get away. - Tom, come here.
- Get off. Oh, my God. - It's gonna make it worse.
Have you ever seen those cop things?
- Principal, Randy's-- - Tom!
- Oh, my God, stop!
What is happening in this school?
- Okay, it's not what it looks like.
- Okay, 'cause it looks like
you're spanking a student behind closed doors.
- Yeah, I think it is what it looks like.
There's not a lot of ways to interpret this.
[mic feedback screeching] - Hi, everybody.
Due to recent events where I...
uh, "spanked the shit out of Tom,"
I'm now being told that we need
more female leadership, so here's the nurse.
She's gonna say a few words.
There we go. That'll fix everything.
- Thank you, freak.
Jacob, can I get some gentle music, please?
[soft music playing] Listen, kids.
We all get angry...[chuckles]
But what if every time you got mad,
you channeled that energy into a hug?
The world might be a better place.
all: Aww.
- Let's try it.
Everyone stand up--come on--
and hug the person to your left.
- Aww, that was nice.
- That's beautiful.
Now hug the person to your right.
Oh, amazing, everyone.
- What the hell?
- What--what's wrong? What happened?
- Tom just shoved his face
between my boobs.
- Boobs? No, we were hugging.
- You motorboated me.
- Motorboat? What does that mean?
- Tom, did you or did you not
motorboat the lunch lady?
- I don't know what the expression means.
- I'm taking the rest of the day off,
because this is-- this is too much.
- If a little kid hugs a grown-up,
you're gonna touch some part of someone's boob.
- Tom, you really packed a lot into one day at school.
- Once you fight a janitor,
the whole day can get away from you.
- Hey, Tom, how's it hanging, my bro?
- How's it hanging? Not great.
I keep getting in trouble. - We know.
We're so impressed. - Oh, it's a good thing.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. We were thinking, um,
why don't you come sit in the back of the bus?
- You think I'm cool enough for the back of the bus?
- Tom, you motorboated the lunch lady.
If that's not the pinnacle of cool,
then frankly, I don't know what is.
- All right, let's take it for a spin.
Nelson, let's do it. We're gonna move to the back.
- Listen, buddy.
We gotta pump the brakes on the Nelson of it all.
- There ain't no pumpin' no brakes on me.
Just to be clear, I'm the cool one in this duo.
- Yeah, he is. - By a wide margin.
You know what a margin is? - Are you?
I--you wear a monogrammed belt buckle,
and I heard your burner phone is actually
part of your mom's cell phone plan.
- You been lying to me this whole time?
- That's a lie. Don't listen to them, Tom.
- Oh, man, this is a tough decision.
- You actually gonna leave me?
- Well, I think I'm gonna do this.
It's a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
- I don't know how to feel about this.
- There's no rules back there, Tom.
It's every man for himself.
- It sounds exciting. Whole new adventure.
All right, Nelson, I'll call you later.
We'll play wiffle ball. - Tom!
Don't talk to people in the front of the bus.
It defeats the whole purpose. - All right.
- Wow, Bus Driver,
what are we gonna talk about now that Tom's gone?
- Well, Nelson, it's time for some hard truths.
Without Tom, you and I have nothing to talk about.
- This is fun. What do we do?
Just hang out behind T.J. Maxx all day?
- Uh, nah, we mostly do crazy shit
and post it to our YouTube channel.
- Why don't we shoot one right now?
Mike, bear hug Tom until he passes out.
- What? No. - And we are rolling.
- Oh, can't--can't breathe!
- Tom, look right at the camera.
- I can't see! - Yeah, because your eyes
are rolling back in your head.
Focus up, dude.
- He's out. - Oh, he's out!
- [laughing] He's out, dude.
- This one's called "Idiot in Dryer,"
and just have fun with it. - All right.
I'm not getting in the dryer, though,
so how are we gonna shoot this? - Tom, you're getting
in the dryer, dude. - Oh, no. Stop.
Stop. Hey, hey, hey! Ahh!
I think we got what we need. We got what we need, guys.
Cut it. - You know what's funny?
When he's in there, he looks like a bunch of wet socks.
- A bunch of wet socks. - That hurts.
- People are going nuts for your videos.
- Really? - They're loving it.
- But we do have one note. - Okay.
- You gotta get crazier. - Crazier?
- We want to shoot a video called,
"Imbecile Humps Mannequin Then Gets Tased."
- What would happen exactly?
- Hump a mannequin, then get tased.
I feel like these are pretty self-explanatory.
- Like this? Is this humping?
- [chuckling] Oh, my God. - Whoa!
Not on my watch, pal!
- No! - Tase!
- Ahh! - Taser!
- [grunting] - Tom, I don't know
how to say this, but you're doing too good.
[knocking on door]
- Thomas... - Oh, this can't be good.
- We need to talk. - Something wrong?
- I was online trolling Tina the Masseuse,
and I came across some vids.
- Oh. - "Moron Puts Head in Toilet."
- Don't look at those.
- "Dipshit Puts Squirrel Down Pants."
- Oh, no. Am I in trouble? - Trouble? No.
I was trying to have, like, a stern tone to trick you.
You're famous, Tom!
- Oh. Oh, this is a good thing?
- Yes, boy, this is a great thing.
How much money are you guys making?
- How much money? That's Phil's department.
But I think it's, like, upwards of five Gs a month.
- Tom, you know that's more than I make, right?
- It seems like you don't make a lot, yeah.
- Tell me if this is hasty, but um...
I'm thinking what if you drop out of school
and start pursuing this full-time?
- I don't think they let you drop out when you're ten.
- This could be very lucrative.
If you do more asinine stuff,
add a little danger into the mix,
Tom, you could be retired by the time you're 11.
- All right. Been a crazy day.
One minute, you're sticking your head in a toilet,
the next, you're done with your education.
- You're dropping out? - That's right, baby.
- That is beyond cool.
- My mom was really upset, and I said,
"Hey, old lady, I'm dropping out."
- Damn, dude, I love talking back to my parents.
Or parent. - Listen.
You need to do something epic on your last day.
Phil, you thinking what I'm thinking?
both: "Nimrod Farts in Bus Driver's Face."
- Didn't see that coming, but hey, I like it.
- Yeah, I mean, me and Tom still cool, you know.
He haven't been to wiffle ball in a while.
He don't answer my calls, but--oh, what's up, Tom?
You back, baby, I-- - Shh.
- Did you just shush me? - Nelson, we're filming.
Can you close your mouth? - Wow. Tom, you've changed.
- Nelson, you gotta stop talking.
We're trying to get the establishing shot.
- Been a while since you've been up front, huh?
Wait, what the heck is going-- - Just drive the bus.
- Hey, you're trying to fart in my face, aren't you?
- Toot at him, Tom. - Blow him away!
Show him what you got!
- I can't fart on command, guys.
It's too much pressure.
- This is too dangerous, Tom! Not while I drive the bus!
- Tom, stop! - Oh, my God.
We're all gonna die. - We're gonna crash!
[all screaming]
[crashing]
Oh, great. Now I farted.
[siren wailing] - Hi, Tom.
Hey, just wanna let you know we got ahold of your mom,
and she is on her way down just as soon as she can
"upload the fart video to all social platforms."
- Oh, okay. Yeah, I know what that means.
- You feel good about that information?
'Cause it didn't make any sense to us.
- That does make sense, yeah. - Good, good, good.
Well, you won't be lonely, though.
You have some visitors.
Looks like all your friends are here.
Come on in, guys. - What's up, playboy?
- Hi, Tom. - Hello, Thomas.
- That's a weird group.
- Tom, this ain't a friendly visit.
It's a intervention. - Oh, why?
'Cause we crashed the bus?
I'm sorry I farted in your face.
- Yeah, the bus got crashed, Tom.
We're concerned about you.
- No, sounds like you guys are jealous.
The videos are doing great.
I'm the coolest kid in school these days.
- Well, yeah, that's exactly the problem.
You're too damn cool.
When we were your age, we were cool too.
- But cool kids grow up to be losers.
You know what I'm saying? - No, come on.
You're not losers. You guys are killing it.
- Tom, I'm an unlicensed bus driver.
- You don't have a license? - No.
Glenn works at a pretzel place.
- And I'm not even allowed to touch the pretzels.
You know what I'm saying? They keep me in the back
like some kind of freak. - They do?
- Yep. They call me Pretzel Freak.
- Pretzel Freak?
This is a really depressing conversation.
- Point is, these guys, they peaked in grade school,
and we don't want that to happen to you.
- You know what? You guys might be right.
So what do I do?
- You gotta do a positive video, Tom.
- So what, just make videos about listening to your parents
and cleaning up? - Yeah.
Like you feeding a squirrel or teaching a bird how to fly.
- That's a great idea. Those are all wack ideas.
- All right, great. Thanks for swinging by.
Why don't you just bring it in, give me a hug, and...
- No, I heard some weird things about your hugs.
So that's gonna be a hard pass for me.
[school bell rings]
- Oh, guys, thanks again for doing this.
- You're looking good. Skin glowing.
You ready to do this? - Yeah.
This is the real Tom. Let's do it.
- Hell yeah.
[soft music playing]
- All right, we're rolling. Action.
- Hi, there. This is Tom.
You may know me from such classic videos as
"Imbecile Slaps Himself Silly" or "Moron Eats Garbage,"
but I'm here to tell you there's another way to be cool.
That's why I'm here cleaning up litter at my school.
- Whoa, cut the camera.
- I'm sorry. Hey, we're filming here.
- What the eff are you doing?
- Just trying to make a difference.
Cleaning up this filthy schoolyard.
- That garbage belongs to me.
Put it back, or I'm gonna tae kwon do you again.
[grunts] - I'm not fighting you.
I'm making a video about being a good citizen.
- Hiyah! [grunting] - Wait.
What the hell is going on outside?
- [grunting] - All right. Hate to do this.
Here it comes. Tae kwon do! [grunts]
- [groaning] - Oh, that doesn't look good.
I gotta get out of here. See you later.
- Did Tom just throw garbage all over the school,
then kick the janitor in the balls?
- I mean, the guy's a legend.
- Greatest of all time.
[rock music]
- ♪ Tae kwon do ♪
♪ ♪
[soft orchestral music playing]
♪ ♪
- Hey, Mr. B? - Oh, dear God.
- Sorry to interrupt. I got great news.
I did some soul searching,
and I realized how much I miss you guys.
Tom's back on bassoon, baby. Let's play.
[playing funky music]
♪ ♪
- Yay?
What's the appropriate response here?
- How ironic.
Tom has come groveling back like a worm.
- Like a worm? I thought
this would be a much more emotional reunion.
- Let me ask you a question, Tom.
- Oh, God. Yeah?
- Does the world really need
another subpar bassoonist?
- I mean, based on your tone, I'm guessing no, we don't.
- If you wish to rejoin band,
it'll have to be on a less desirable instrument,
like the triangle or maracas.
- A lot of maracas in Stravinsky songs?
- Not a lot, Tom, no.
- Oh, Nelson, I've got a dilemma.
- What's going on?
- I need to pick a new instrument,
and I think I'm gonna go with triangle.
- Tom, if you play triangle,
you will never date a girl as long as you live.
- Why not? - Have you ever seen a movie
where a girl says, "That triangle player is so hot"?
- Doesn't sound like great dialogue.
- And can you imagine, "Mom, I'm having a baby."
"Who's the father?" "The triangle player." No.
- No, let's get another opinion here.
Dakota, can I ask you a question?
- Yeah. Hit me.
- If we were older,
do you think you'd be attracted to me
if I was a triangle player?
- Uh, no.
- Just no? - Mm-mm.
- Because of me or the triangle?
- I think it's the combo.
- Yasmine, you wanna weigh in? - Um...
- You don't wanna hear what she has to say about this.
- All right, you know, this is not a conclusive poll.
This is really very unscientific.
- Okay, you need to aim higher, Tom.
- Well, I'm being told I stink, so...
- Who's filling your head with that junk?
- Oh, you know, Mr. B.
He just said I'm the worst musician
in the tristate area.
- Don't listen to Mr. B.
Mr. B can suck a D. - Mr. B can suck a what?
- I have a friend who teaches piano.
He will hook you up, Tom.
- Tickling with Troy? What's that supposed to mean?
- It's a play on "tickling the ivories."
He's not literally gonna tickle you during the lessons, Tom.
Come on.
- He must--I mean, a grown man printing flyers,
he must know what he's doing.
[piano chords playing]
- Ooh, that's wonderful. - That's good?
- Beethoven's got nothing on this guy.
[piano chords playing] - How's that?
- You're making Strauss look like an idiot.
You're a natural. - Oh, my God.
I'm not used to this much positive reinforcement.
- Well, Tom, you're doing great.
And you know what that means.
- What?
What is this?
What are you doing? - What?
What do you mean? - Why are you tickling me?
- Uh, it's called positive reinforcement.
- I was promised there'd be no tickling.
- Wow.
What kind of maniac
would show up to Tickling with Troy
and then get weird when there's frickin' tickling?
- I thought it was a play
on the phrase "tickling the ivories."
- I've never heard that expression in my entire life.
- You've never heard it? - Never.
- Let's just do it. Let's just get back into it.
Let's not tickle. Let's not giggle.
I got a big audition tomorrow, and I only know three chords.
[piano chords playing] - I'll tell you what, Tom.
How about you walk your ass out of my studio?
- Oh, no. - I've devoted my entire life
to teaching kids... - Oh, my God.
- Through dedication and tickling.
I ought to tickle you to death!
[door slams]
- Just for the record, he's literally gonna tickle you.
Just be aware of that. - Yeah, they know.
You don't have to tell them.
[dramatic music]
[doorbell ringing]
- Tom. What are you doing here?
- Listen, it's a bit of an emergency.
You're my only friend with a piano.
I just need to come in and practice
for a couple hours. - Uh, we're kinda
in the middle of dinner. - No, it really kind of needs
to happen--I'm coming in. - I'm sorry. No.
- I'm coming in. - I love you, but no.
- I'm coming in. - You can't come in.
- I'm gonna let myself in. - Tom!
- Come on. - What are you doing?
- You're gonna love it; it'll be pleasant background music.
- You're out of control, Tom.
- If you have any requests, I know the chords C, G, and E.
[piano music playing]
- If I blew my head off right now,
I wouldn't be sad.
Brad, you have to say something.
- Just let the kid play.
- Are you scared of a little kid?
- No, I'm not afraid of a little--I'm a man.
- [laughing] You're a big man now.
A big man.
- I have hair down there. - Oh, my God.
- Stop being such a wuss,
and tell him to stop!
- Fine.
The combination of his music and your voice
is an assault on my ears.
A wuss wouldn't say that. [laughs]
- As a family, we really need to work
on our dinner conversation.
- I know, and you know what?
Tonight, I'm gonna ask God to help us.
♪ ♪
- Hey, Tom, what are you working on?
- Uh, I got my audition tomorrow,
and I only know three chords.
- That's all you need. - What?
- A lot of great songs only use three chords.
Like my song "My Wife Just Doesn't Get It."
[playing piano] A, C, G.
- You serious? - "Why Does My Wife Insist
On Belittling Me In Public"? E, C, D.
- Oh, I know three chords.
All right. I guess I'm all set. Thanks.
- But if you really want to impress your teacher,
you need to write originals.
- No, I'm not creative.
- Tom, in the world of creativity,
everyone just borrows and steals.
- What do you mean, I can just steal someone's song?
- How do you think Michael Jackson
became Michael Jackson
or Juice Newton became Juice Newton?
- Juice Newton was just stealing songs?
- Just make a few tweaks
and call it "inspiration."
- I love it. That sounds easy.
- Here. Here's my old keyboard
and a free CD of my wife songs.
- "Dakota's Dad Loathes His Wife."
That's a weird title for an album.
Oh, wow, you really have, like, thousands of them, don't you?
- Let's just say I greatly overestimated the demand.
♪ ♪
- ♪ Hey, look at that squirrel ♪
♪ Reminds me of my Uncle Bill ♪
♪ He's so chubby ♪
- Hey, there, Tom. - Oh, hey there, Big Rick.
- What's going on? No more bassoon?
- Oh, no, I'm playing piano now.
I'm banging out original songs.
- Whoa, whoa, wait, wait. You wrote original songs?
- I wrote a whole album, yeah. It's called "The Tom Album."
- Like what? What do you got?
- I got "I'm Sittin' on the Bus."
- Uh-huh. - I got one called
"I Need to Pee." - Mm-hmm.
- I got "Autumn With My Bassoon."
- So there's some bassoon--
you're still doing some of the bassoon stuff?
- Yeah, singing about bassoons on the piano.
- This doesn't feel like an album's worth of stuff,
to be honest, right now.
- I got a song called "I Love Cookies."
- Wait, what? What's it called?
- Wanna hear "I Love Cookies"?
- Yes, I do wanna hear that. - All right.
It goes a little something like, uh...
♪ I don't like tucking in my shirt ♪
♪ And I don't like cleaning my bassoon ♪
♪ There's only one thing I love ♪
♪ I love cookies ♪
- Tom, that is very impressive.
- You like the cookie one? - Like? I love it.
My agency is doing a Super Bowl commercial
for Pepperidge Farm...
- Stop. - And we need a catchy song.
Would you like to license me the rights to "I Love Cookies"?
- You would actually use my song?
- Absolutely. Not only that, it's a great backstory.
The human interest.
"Pepperidge Farm bought a song from a little tiny kid."
- This is exciting.
I can't wait to tell my bandmates.
- Tom. - Yeah?
- You're in the big leagues now.
It's time to leave those losers behind.
- Leave the losers behind? Why?
- You're Super Bowl Tom.
Start acting like it.
[hip-hop music]
- ♪ Super Bowl Tom ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Super Bowl Tom ♪
♪ ♪
- Dakota, watch your fingering.
- Hey, Mr. B.
Do you mind hitting pause on whatever
silly nonsense you got going on there?
- Uh, yes, Tom, I do mind hitting pause.
You can wait,
and your audition can wait with you.
- Listen, I'm not here to audition.
I'm here to actually quit.
- I'm not sure you're aware of this,
but you can't quit something that you don't belong to.
- Oh, yeah? Watch me. I'm just gonna say it.
In the words of a, uh, very wise bus driver,
"Mr. B can suck a D."
- [gasps] - Oh! Tom!
- What? Does D mean something bad?
- You can't say that to an adult.
- Super Bowl Tom can say whatever he wants.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna moonwalk my way outta here.
- Wow.
God, that was a good moonwalk.
[electronic dance music]
- Okay, guys, I'm making my grand entrance.
Get it up there. High fives all around.
- Yeah! - Tommy!
Who knew he had it in him? - Whoo-hoo!
- Way to go, Tom.
- How cool is this guy? Tommy!
- Hey, I'm proud of you, Tom.
- Whoa, Tom, man, you guys
really went all out for this Super Bowl party.
- Hey, you know what Super Bowl Tom says, right?
Go big or go home.
- Proud of you, Tom.
You're finally not an embarrassment to the family.
- That's a weird compliment, but thanks, Grandma.
- Okay, hey, everyone shut up.
Close your dumb mouths right now.
Tom's Pepperidge Farm commercial
is coming on right after kickoff.
Tom, honey, say a few words.
- I just wanna say thank you to all the little people
who helped me achieve my dreams.
Rick, Dakota's dad,
the bus driver,
the Lord,
the band The Donkey Dick
who rerecorded my song.
Great job, guys.
- Thanks a lot, Super Bowl Tom.
We appreciate you.
- I couldn't have done it without you all.
All right. Sit back and enjoy.
- And what a start to the Super Bowl!
We'll be right back after this break.
- ♪ I don't like tucking in my shirt ♪
♪ I don't like cleaning my bassoon ♪
♪ There's only one thing I love ♪
♪ I love cookies ♪
- Tom, this is the best commercial I've ever seen.
I'm so proud of you.
- ♪ Pepperidge Farm cookies ♪
- Oh, my God.
[all groaning] - What the hell?
- That little shit stole my song!
- Little shit--what's this?
- That was the title track for my wife CD.
- You told me it's okay to borrow.
- Borrow? You copied it note for note.
There were no tweaks!
♪ I love hanging out with my bros ♪
♪ I love strumming on my guitar ♪
♪ There's only one thing I loathe ♪
♪ I loathe my wife ♪
- Damn, Tom, you really did copy it note for note.
- There are similarities. I'm not gonna deny that.
- You mean how it's the same damn song
except for one word?
- Oh, come on, I changed "wife" to "cookies" and...
both: "Loathe" to "love."
- Now it's my song, right?
- The hell it is your song.
- I mean, I heard the music business was shady,
but this is--this is low.
- Damn right, it's low.
I'm gonna tell everyone in town
just what kind of rat you are, Tom.
- Come on. Have some guacamole.
- Take your guacamole and shove it up your ass!
[door slams] - Oh, God.
- I've never hosted a party before.
Are they always this depressing?
- Careful, honey.
If he stole a song from Dakota's dad,
he might try to steal our baby.
- Keep walking, sinner.
We don't need your kind here.
[somber music]
- Thanks for ruining cookies, Tom.
I'll never eat Pepperidge Farm again.
- Feels like a bit much.
♪ ♪
[horn honking] - Hey, little man.
- Not a good time.
- You look abnormally depressed.
- I messed up big time.
My life is over. - What happened?
Pubes not coming in in a timely fashion?
- Nothing to do with pubes.
I stole someone's song and sold it to Pepperidge Farm.
- Hmm. - I insulted my bandmates.
- Uh-huh. - I told Mr. B to suck a D.
It turns out D means penis. No one told me that.
- It does. D means peen. - Oh, it's a disaster.
- You know what? Go easy on yourself.
We all do messed-up things. - What do you mean?
You've done stuff like that? - Yes.
I shortchange kids all the time
if I think they can't count. - That's awful.
- I abandoned by fiancée at the altar.
- I remember that. - Oh, yeah.
And I've nailed about half the moms on this block.
- You've nailed half the moms? - Yeah.
That doesn't make me a bad person.
- Kind of. A little bit. - Not if you say you're sorry.
- That's it? You just say sorry?
- Mm-hmm. Magic words.
- Just say sorry. That's amazing.
You know, thank you, ice cream man.
You're a--you're actually a pretty good guy.
- I'm really not, but I'm glad I could help.
- Wait, have you been shortchanging me?
I have a bad feeling you've been shortchanging me.
- Never. I would never do that. - Never.
- Nor would I nail your mom.
[dramatic music]
♪ ♪
- Hey, Tom, what's up, man? What you doing here?
I thought you was banned from the band.
- I am. Listen. I'm gonna storm the stage
and do a Kanye-style mic grab. - Now?
- Yeah. I need to say sorry to everyone.
- Okay, okay, that's great. What are you gonna say?
- "Sorry, everyone." - What? That's it?
You gonna storm the stage, say sorry to everyone,
and then sit back down?
- I didn't really think it through. Yeah.
- Tom, you need to run this stuff by me first.
Public apologies are a art form these days.
- Oh, well, let's write something quickly.
I gotta go up in three minutes.
- Here we go. "Heartfelt apologies."
3 million results. - Oh, wow.
That does sound better than just saying sorry.
- You're welcome. - What are you doing here,
by the way? - Oh.
Man, I bootleg the performances
and sell 'em back to the parents for $9.
- Not your best side hustle.
- I know, I know, Tom, but I gotta keep busy.
- You know, when I asked your children
what they wanted to play, they all said, and in unison,
"Igor Stravinsky."
Now--oh. - Mr. B, listen.
I'm gonna let you finish. I just want to say a few words.
- Dear Lord. This can't be happening.
- I'd like to issue a formal apology.
Dakota, new bassoon kid,
can you give me something gentle to talk over?
[soft music playing]
That's nice. Thank you.
Friends, teachers, janitor,
I'll spend the rest of my life trying to earn back trust
and apologize to people.
I'm definitely embarrassed.
Listen, that was the last time I won the Tour de France--
- Wait, are you reading Lance Armstrong's apology?
- No, I don't believe so.
- Then why are you talking about the Tour de France?
- Oh, you know what? That was the wrong one.
All right, here we go. Here's what I wrote.
I wish I had the chance to live those few moments again,
but I have told Rihanna countless times--
- No, that's Chris Brown's apology.
- Chris who? What? - That's not yours.
Why are you apologizing to Rihanna?
- I don't know. That's what's on the phone.
- Oh, now you're just ripping off apology speeches?
The nerve of this kid! [crowd booing]
- No, no, don't boo. - Get off the stage!
- Band, let us play Tom off
with "Don Juan's Descent Into Hell."
- No, let's keep it snappy. Let's keep it upbeat.
All right, Nelson, stop filming.
No one wants to see this. - This gon' be good.
I might have to charge $12 for this one.
- ♪ Remember there's more road ♪
♪ And places to go ♪
♪ Patterns to contemplate ♪
♪ More people to fornicate ♪
♪ And remember there's a lot of good omens ♪
♪ Supplying the proof ♪
♪ That our life is the best joke ever told ♪
♪ Remember it's a joke and leave it alone ♪
♪ Let go and try to be always abiding ♪
♪ Remember if there's one good reason for dying ♪
♪ The sweet silver lining ♪
♪ Through you she lives on ♪
♪ And therein lies a truth we can sip when we want ♪
♪ Disciples of the flow, we can float anywhere ♪
♪ If ever there's a drought ♪
♪ I've listed the puddles ♪