1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:03,902 - ♪ Now as our poor young lungs deflate ♪ 2 00:00:04,001 --> 00:00:07,939 ♪ I'll admit I've gotten older ♪ 3 00:00:08,038 --> 00:00:13,545 ♪ Mellowed out, chatting up those I used to hate ♪ 4 00:00:13,645 --> 00:00:16,147 ♪ ♪ 5 00:00:16,247 --> 00:00:20,520 ♪ The feeling that we're lost will always fade ♪ 6 00:00:20,618 --> 00:00:24,723 ♪ I present no explanations ♪ 7 00:00:24,822 --> 00:00:28,328 ♪ Can't expect our tired patience ♪ 8 00:00:28,427 --> 00:00:32,498 ♪ To satiate for long ♪ 9 00:00:32,596 --> 00:00:36,335 ♪ Therein lies a truth we can sip when we want ♪ 10 00:00:36,434 --> 00:00:41,006 ♪ Disciples of the flow, we can float anywhere ♪ 11 00:00:41,106 --> 00:00:42,741 ♪ ♪ 12 00:00:42,841 --> 00:00:45,277 [lively music playing] 13 00:00:45,377 --> 00:00:46,978 - Okay, adios. 14 00:00:47,079 --> 00:00:48,113 Buenas noches. 15 00:00:48,213 --> 00:00:49,377 Vamos a la playa. 16 00:00:49,481 --> 00:00:50,750 Dinner was bueno. 17 00:00:50,849 --> 00:00:52,752 - Babe, you don't need to speak Spanish. 18 00:00:52,850 --> 00:00:54,620 These people are from New Jersey, honey. 19 00:00:54,719 --> 00:00:56,555 - Well, you know I like to soak in the experience. 20 00:00:56,655 --> 00:00:57,756 - Okay, assholes... 21 00:00:57,855 --> 00:00:59,190 - [gasps] - Give me your money. 22 00:00:59,290 --> 00:01:00,726 - Hey, you're messing with the wrong guy. 23 00:01:00,825 --> 00:01:01,993 I'm a grade school gym teacher, 24 00:01:02,093 --> 00:01:03,862 so I'm in my top physical condition. 25 00:01:03,962 --> 00:01:05,564 - Actually, I targeted you 'cause you just 26 00:01:05,663 --> 00:01:07,533 stuffed your face with nachos for half an hour. 27 00:01:07,632 --> 00:01:08,867 In the mugging community, 28 00:01:08,967 --> 00:01:10,502 you're what we call an easy target. 29 00:01:10,602 --> 00:01:11,904 - Okay, okay, tone it down. - Oh, my God! 30 00:01:12,002 --> 00:01:14,005 Honey, stop him! - He got a gun. 31 00:01:14,105 --> 00:01:15,942 - No, no, no, it's a piece of salami. 32 00:01:16,040 --> 00:01:17,609 But it hurts if I slap you with it. 33 00:01:17,709 --> 00:01:19,011 - Ow. Hey, man. - Yeah. 34 00:01:19,110 --> 00:01:20,579 - Stop. - No, I'm not gonna stop. 35 00:01:20,678 --> 00:01:21,947 - Baby, fight back. - Ow. 36 00:01:22,047 --> 00:01:23,616 - He's robbing us with a salami. 37 00:01:23,715 --> 00:01:25,317 - Normally I would fight back, 38 00:01:25,416 --> 00:01:26,618 but I'm wearing my good shirt. 39 00:01:26,718 --> 00:01:27,986 - I like that shirt, by the way. 40 00:01:28,085 --> 00:01:29,355 Hand it over. - Okay, take the shirt. 41 00:01:29,454 --> 00:01:30,489 - Oh, my God. - Pants too, 42 00:01:30,588 --> 00:01:31,823 so I've got the full outfit. 43 00:01:31,923 --> 00:01:33,659 - Honey, don't give him your pants! 44 00:01:33,759 --> 00:01:34,694 - He said he need a full outfit. 45 00:01:34,792 --> 00:01:36,094 Don't argue with the guy. 46 00:01:36,193 --> 00:01:37,596 - All right, you guys have a great night. 47 00:01:37,695 --> 00:01:39,265 And thanks for being such a pussy. 48 00:01:39,363 --> 00:01:41,734 It makes the whole exchange so much easier. 49 00:01:41,833 --> 00:01:43,102 [school bell rings] 50 00:01:43,201 --> 00:01:45,338 - Kids, I'm gonna tell it to you straight: 51 00:01:45,437 --> 00:01:46,839 The world is a rough place, 52 00:01:46,938 --> 00:01:48,508 and if you don't know how to fight, 53 00:01:48,601 --> 00:01:51,010 some maniac is gonna slap you with a salami 54 00:01:51,109 --> 00:01:53,513 in front of your wife. - Strange start to gym class. 55 00:01:53,612 --> 00:01:55,014 - So today we're learning self-defense. 56 00:01:55,113 --> 00:01:57,484 Let's start with the four A's of tae kwon do: 57 00:01:57,582 --> 00:02:00,787 "Always attack any asshole." 58 00:02:00,885 --> 00:02:02,955 - I'm Korean, and I'm pretty sure that's not accurate. 59 00:02:03,054 --> 00:02:05,592 - Yes, it is. Tom, you look like a victim. 60 00:02:05,690 --> 00:02:09,161 So come up and participate in a real-life mugging simulation. 61 00:02:09,260 --> 00:02:11,231 - Mugging simulation? No. Who am I simulating with? 62 00:02:11,329 --> 00:02:13,533 [door bangs open] - Okay, you little weirdos. 63 00:02:13,632 --> 00:02:14,834 Who wants to wrestle? - Oh, no. 64 00:02:14,933 --> 00:02:15,902 I'm not--I'm not fighting the janitor. 65 00:02:16,001 --> 00:02:17,103 - Come on, Tom. - Do it. 66 00:02:17,202 --> 00:02:18,371 - Yeah, Tom, do it. 67 00:02:18,470 --> 00:02:20,206 - Jacob, play the tae kwon do music. 68 00:02:20,305 --> 00:02:21,808 - You got it, boss. 69 00:02:21,907 --> 00:02:23,876 [rock music playing] - ♪ Tae kwon do ♪ 70 00:02:23,974 --> 00:02:26,078 - There's no such thing as tae kwon do music. 71 00:02:26,177 --> 00:02:28,448 - Hey, I'm gonna tae kwon do the heck outta you. 72 00:02:28,547 --> 00:02:29,649 - All right, come on. He's way too big. 73 00:02:29,747 --> 00:02:31,217 Let me fight Dakota instead. 74 00:02:31,316 --> 00:02:32,452 - It's gonna be a no. Sorry. 75 00:02:32,551 --> 00:02:33,986 - I'm not fighting a drunk janitor. 76 00:02:34,085 --> 00:02:35,822 - Tom, stop making excuses. - Is this happening? 77 00:02:35,920 --> 00:02:37,424 - You afraid of me? - Of course I'm afraid. 78 00:02:37,523 --> 00:02:38,791 I'm a ten-year-old kid. Come on. 79 00:02:38,890 --> 00:02:40,593 Stop it. Someone call the principal. 80 00:02:40,692 --> 00:02:42,028 - In the real world, there are no principals. 81 00:02:42,126 --> 00:02:43,896 Just grown men slapping you with a salami. 82 00:02:43,995 --> 00:02:47,066 - [grunting] Gotcha! You been tae kwon do'd! 83 00:02:47,164 --> 00:02:49,369 - You don't use a mop in tae kwon do. 84 00:02:49,468 --> 00:02:51,037 There's no mop in tae kwon do. 85 00:02:53,672 --> 00:02:55,503 I did not come across looking good, did I? 86 00:02:55,607 --> 00:02:56,909 - Everybody think you weak now, Tom. 87 00:02:57,008 --> 00:02:58,506 - I'm not in that guy's weight class. 88 00:02:58,605 --> 00:03:00,112 I shouldn't be fighting grown janitors. 89 00:03:00,211 --> 00:03:01,648 It's not fair. - The world's not fair. 90 00:03:01,746 --> 00:03:02,882 You know what you gotta do? 91 00:03:02,981 --> 00:03:04,317 You gotta tap into your inner rage. 92 00:03:04,416 --> 00:03:06,185 - Inner rage? I don't have any inner rage. 93 00:03:06,283 --> 00:03:08,688 - Everybody got inner rage. You just gotta manifest it. 94 00:03:08,781 --> 00:03:11,190 What would you do if somebody stole your backpack? 95 00:03:11,289 --> 00:03:12,859 - Stole my backpack? I'd kick their ass. 96 00:03:12,957 --> 00:03:14,294 - That's what I'm talking about right there. 97 00:03:14,393 --> 00:03:16,028 What would you do if somebody stole your mom? 98 00:03:16,127 --> 00:03:17,330 - Do people do things like that? 99 00:03:17,429 --> 00:03:18,331 - Yeah. - I feel angry 100 00:03:18,430 --> 00:03:19,766 just thinking about it. 101 00:03:19,864 --> 00:03:21,100 - That's the rage I wanna see right there. 102 00:03:21,199 --> 00:03:22,469 - All right, if it ever happens again, 103 00:03:22,567 --> 00:03:23,870 at least now I know. - Ooh. 104 00:03:23,969 --> 00:03:25,772 Yummy, string cheese. 105 00:03:25,871 --> 00:03:27,173 Don't mind if I do. 106 00:03:27,272 --> 00:03:28,975 - Always attack any asshole. Tae kwon do! 107 00:03:29,075 --> 00:03:30,042 - Ahh! 108 00:03:30,141 --> 00:03:31,578 - I have nothing to do with this. 109 00:03:31,676 --> 00:03:34,281 - What the hell? - [groaning] 110 00:03:34,378 --> 00:03:36,616 - Why's everyone looking at me? I'm doing what I was taught. 111 00:03:36,714 --> 00:03:38,585 - Tom, that was for self-defense, 112 00:03:38,683 --> 00:03:41,888 not a kid nibbling on a string cheese. 113 00:03:41,986 --> 00:03:43,223 God. - Come on. He attacked me. 114 00:03:43,322 --> 00:03:44,991 He attacked the cheese. both: What? 115 00:03:45,090 --> 00:03:46,659 - He assaulted my string cheese. 116 00:03:46,758 --> 00:03:49,296 - No, Randy said, "Yummy, string cheese," 117 00:03:49,394 --> 00:03:50,930 and you kick him in the face? - [groaning] 118 00:03:51,028 --> 00:03:52,299 - Did he say, "Yummy, string cheese"? 119 00:03:52,397 --> 00:03:55,268 - He said, "Yummy, string cheese," Tom. 120 00:03:55,367 --> 00:03:57,203 - [groaning] - Huh. 121 00:03:57,302 --> 00:03:59,038 - "Huh" is right. 122 00:03:59,132 --> 00:04:00,940 [dramatic music] 123 00:04:04,242 --> 00:04:05,712 - I can explain. It was self-defense. 124 00:04:05,810 --> 00:04:06,713 - Tom... - Yeah? 125 00:04:06,811 --> 00:04:08,014 - I just don't know how 126 00:04:08,113 --> 00:04:09,577 to get it through to some of you kids, 127 00:04:09,681 --> 00:04:11,017 and I know this is highly frowned upon, 128 00:04:11,117 --> 00:04:13,119 but I thought it through, Tom, 129 00:04:13,217 --> 00:04:15,622 and I'm going to do a closed-door spanking. 130 00:04:15,721 --> 00:04:17,324 - No, no, plea-- oh, is that what this is? 131 00:04:17,422 --> 00:04:19,459 - Yes. I'm gonna spank the violence out of you. 132 00:04:19,558 --> 00:04:21,861 - Oh, for your sake, don't. It's--it's a career-ender. 133 00:04:21,960 --> 00:04:23,363 - That's why I'm asking you to sign this release 134 00:04:23,462 --> 00:04:25,164 that says you're okay with some mild spanking. 135 00:04:25,262 --> 00:04:27,133 - I'm not signing that. - Lay down on my desk, 136 00:04:27,231 --> 00:04:28,801 and let's get this over with. - Oh, my God. 137 00:04:28,900 --> 00:04:30,303 - Tom, come here. - No. I'm not doing it. 138 00:04:30,401 --> 00:04:31,938 - Tom, stop walking. You're not going anywhere. 139 00:04:32,036 --> 00:04:33,506 - Get away. - Tom, come here. 140 00:04:33,605 --> 00:04:34,974 - Get off. Oh, my God. - It's gonna make it worse. 141 00:04:35,072 --> 00:04:36,175 Have you ever seen those cop things? 142 00:04:36,275 --> 00:04:37,477 - Principal, Randy's-- - Tom! 143 00:04:37,576 --> 00:04:39,546 - Oh, my God, stop! 144 00:04:39,644 --> 00:04:41,113 What is happening in this school? 145 00:04:41,213 --> 00:04:43,583 - Okay, it's not what it looks like. 146 00:04:43,681 --> 00:04:45,017 - Okay, 'cause it looks like 147 00:04:45,116 --> 00:04:47,920 you're spanking a student behind closed doors. 148 00:04:48,019 --> 00:04:49,322 - Yeah, I think it is what it looks like. 149 00:04:49,421 --> 00:04:51,591 There's not a lot of ways to interpret this. 150 00:04:51,690 --> 00:04:53,621 [mic feedback screeching] - Hi, everybody. 151 00:04:53,725 --> 00:04:56,028 Due to recent events where I... 152 00:04:56,127 --> 00:04:58,531 uh, "spanked the shit out of Tom," 153 00:04:58,630 --> 00:05:00,833 I'm now being told that we need 154 00:05:00,932 --> 00:05:03,970 more female leadership, so here's the nurse. 155 00:05:04,069 --> 00:05:05,305 She's gonna say a few words. 156 00:05:05,404 --> 00:05:07,340 There we go. That'll fix everything. 157 00:05:07,439 --> 00:05:08,708 - Thank you, freak. 158 00:05:08,806 --> 00:05:11,844 Jacob, can I get some gentle music, please? 159 00:05:11,943 --> 00:05:13,480 [soft music playing] Listen, kids. 160 00:05:13,579 --> 00:05:15,282 We all get angry...[chuckles] 161 00:05:15,380 --> 00:05:17,250 But what if every time you got mad, 162 00:05:17,349 --> 00:05:19,647 you channeled that energy into a hug? 163 00:05:19,751 --> 00:05:22,422 The world might be a better place. 164 00:05:22,521 --> 00:05:23,856 all: Aww. 165 00:05:23,956 --> 00:05:24,924 - Let's try it. 166 00:05:25,023 --> 00:05:26,526 Everyone stand up--come on-- 167 00:05:26,619 --> 00:05:28,961 and hug the person to your left. 168 00:05:29,061 --> 00:05:30,363 - Aww, that was nice. 169 00:05:30,462 --> 00:05:31,659 - That's beautiful. 170 00:05:31,763 --> 00:05:34,601 Now hug the person to your right. 171 00:05:34,699 --> 00:05:36,703 Oh, amazing, everyone. 172 00:05:36,803 --> 00:05:38,037 - What the hell? 173 00:05:38,136 --> 00:05:39,071 - What--what's wrong? What happened? 174 00:05:39,171 --> 00:05:40,473 - Tom just shoved his face 175 00:05:40,572 --> 00:05:41,808 between my boobs. 176 00:05:41,907 --> 00:05:42,942 - Boobs? No, we were hugging. 177 00:05:43,041 --> 00:05:44,210 - You motorboated me. 178 00:05:44,309 --> 00:05:45,545 - Motorboat? What does that mean? 179 00:05:45,644 --> 00:05:47,347 - Tom, did you or did you not 180 00:05:47,445 --> 00:05:48,781 motorboat the lunch lady? 181 00:05:48,880 --> 00:05:50,317 - I don't know what the expression means. 182 00:05:50,415 --> 00:05:51,818 - I'm taking the rest of the day off, 183 00:05:51,917 --> 00:05:53,820 because this is-- this is too much. 184 00:05:53,919 --> 00:05:55,322 - If a little kid hugs a grown-up, 185 00:05:55,420 --> 00:05:57,724 you're gonna touch some part of someone's boob. 186 00:05:59,490 --> 00:06:01,761 - Tom, you really packed a lot into one day at school. 187 00:06:01,859 --> 00:06:03,029 - Once you fight a janitor, 188 00:06:03,127 --> 00:06:04,331 the whole day can get away from you. 189 00:06:04,430 --> 00:06:06,466 - Hey, Tom, how's it hanging, my bro? 190 00:06:06,565 --> 00:06:08,000 - How's it hanging? Not great. 191 00:06:08,099 --> 00:06:09,402 I keep getting in trouble. - We know. 192 00:06:09,501 --> 00:06:11,338 We're so impressed. - Oh, it's a good thing. 193 00:06:11,436 --> 00:06:13,039 - Yeah, yeah, yeah. We were thinking, um, 194 00:06:13,137 --> 00:06:14,874 why don't you come sit in the back of the bus? 195 00:06:14,973 --> 00:06:16,276 - You think I'm cool enough for the back of the bus? 196 00:06:16,374 --> 00:06:18,706 - Tom, you motorboated the lunch lady. 197 00:06:18,810 --> 00:06:20,647 If that's not the pinnacle of cool, 198 00:06:20,740 --> 00:06:22,081 then frankly, I don't know what is. 199 00:06:22,180 --> 00:06:23,950 - All right, let's take it for a spin. 200 00:06:24,048 --> 00:06:25,452 Nelson, let's do it. We're gonna move to the back. 201 00:06:25,551 --> 00:06:26,853 - Listen, buddy. 202 00:06:26,952 --> 00:06:28,855 We gotta pump the brakes on the Nelson of it all. 203 00:06:28,953 --> 00:06:30,323 - There ain't no pumpin' no brakes on me. 204 00:06:30,422 --> 00:06:32,191 Just to be clear, I'm the cool one in this duo. 205 00:06:32,291 --> 00:06:33,960 - Yeah, he is. - By a wide margin. 206 00:06:34,058 --> 00:06:35,395 You know what a margin is? - Are you? 207 00:06:35,493 --> 00:06:37,797 I--you wear a monogrammed belt buckle, 208 00:06:37,896 --> 00:06:39,766 and I heard your burner phone is actually 209 00:06:39,864 --> 00:06:41,100 part of your mom's cell phone plan. 210 00:06:41,199 --> 00:06:42,535 - You been lying to me this whole time? 211 00:06:42,634 --> 00:06:44,604 - That's a lie. Don't listen to them, Tom. 212 00:06:44,697 --> 00:06:45,872 - Oh, man, this is a tough decision. 213 00:06:45,971 --> 00:06:47,173 - You actually gonna leave me? 214 00:06:47,273 --> 00:06:48,808 - Well, I think I'm gonna do this. 215 00:06:48,907 --> 00:06:50,277 It's a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. 216 00:06:50,375 --> 00:06:51,944 - I don't know how to feel about this. 217 00:06:52,043 --> 00:06:53,012 - There's no rules back there, Tom. 218 00:06:53,111 --> 00:06:54,447 It's every man for himself. 219 00:06:54,546 --> 00:06:56,015 - It sounds exciting. Whole new adventure. 220 00:06:56,113 --> 00:06:57,250 All right, Nelson, I'll call you later. 221 00:06:57,349 --> 00:06:58,851 We'll play wiffle ball. - Tom! 222 00:06:58,950 --> 00:07:00,287 Don't talk to people in the front of the bus. 223 00:07:00,385 --> 00:07:02,555 It defeats the whole purpose. - All right. 224 00:07:02,654 --> 00:07:04,090 - Wow, Bus Driver, 225 00:07:04,188 --> 00:07:06,058 what are we gonna talk about now that Tom's gone? 226 00:07:06,157 --> 00:07:08,561 - Well, Nelson, it's time for some hard truths. 227 00:07:08,660 --> 00:07:11,759 Without Tom, you and I have nothing to talk about. 228 00:07:13,331 --> 00:07:14,734 - This is fun. What do we do? 229 00:07:14,833 --> 00:07:16,202 Just hang out behind T.J. Maxx all day? 230 00:07:16,302 --> 00:07:18,305 - Uh, nah, we mostly do crazy shit 231 00:07:18,403 --> 00:07:19,972 and post it to our YouTube channel. 232 00:07:20,071 --> 00:07:21,341 - Why don't we shoot one right now? 233 00:07:21,439 --> 00:07:22,942 Mike, bear hug Tom until he passes out. 234 00:07:23,041 --> 00:07:24,577 - What? No. - And we are rolling. 235 00:07:24,676 --> 00:07:25,845 - Oh, can't--can't breathe! 236 00:07:25,944 --> 00:07:27,179 - Tom, look right at the camera. 237 00:07:27,279 --> 00:07:28,481 - I can't see! - Yeah, because your eyes 238 00:07:28,575 --> 00:07:29,482 are rolling back in your head. 239 00:07:29,581 --> 00:07:30,683 Focus up, dude. 240 00:07:30,782 --> 00:07:31,751 - He's out. - Oh, he's out! 241 00:07:31,849 --> 00:07:33,052 - [laughing] He's out, dude. 242 00:07:33,151 --> 00:07:34,421 - This one's called "Idiot in Dryer," 243 00:07:34,519 --> 00:07:35,988 and just have fun with it. - All right. 244 00:07:36,087 --> 00:07:37,624 I'm not getting in the dryer, though, 245 00:07:37,722 --> 00:07:39,158 so how are we gonna shoot this? - Tom, you're getting 246 00:07:39,258 --> 00:07:40,360 in the dryer, dude. - Oh, no. Stop. 247 00:07:40,453 --> 00:07:42,194 Stop. Hey, hey, hey! Ahh! 248 00:07:42,293 --> 00:07:43,596 I think we got what we need. We got what we need, guys. 249 00:07:43,690 --> 00:07:45,232 Cut it. - You know what's funny? 250 00:07:45,329 --> 00:07:47,166 When he's in there, he looks like a bunch of wet socks. 251 00:07:47,264 --> 00:07:48,501 - A bunch of wet socks. - That hurts. 252 00:07:48,600 --> 00:07:50,937 - People are going nuts for your videos. 253 00:07:51,035 --> 00:07:52,239 - Really? - They're loving it. 254 00:07:52,338 --> 00:07:54,006 - But we do have one note. - Okay. 255 00:07:54,105 --> 00:07:55,408 - You gotta get crazier. - Crazier? 256 00:07:55,507 --> 00:07:56,976 - We want to shoot a video called, 257 00:07:57,075 --> 00:07:59,045 "Imbecile Humps Mannequin Then Gets Tased." 258 00:07:59,144 --> 00:08:00,380 - What would happen exactly? 259 00:08:00,479 --> 00:08:02,014 - Hump a mannequin, then get tased. 260 00:08:02,113 --> 00:08:03,550 I feel like these are pretty self-explanatory. 261 00:08:03,649 --> 00:08:04,784 - Like this? Is this humping? 262 00:08:04,883 --> 00:08:06,486 - [chuckling] Oh, my God. - Whoa! 263 00:08:06,584 --> 00:08:07,987 Not on my watch, pal! 264 00:08:08,086 --> 00:08:09,356 - No! - Tase! 265 00:08:09,455 --> 00:08:10,723 - Ahh! - Taser! 266 00:08:10,822 --> 00:08:12,091 - [grunting] - Tom, I don't know 267 00:08:12,189 --> 00:08:15,027 how to say this, but you're doing too good. 268 00:08:16,028 --> 00:08:17,230 [knocking on door] 269 00:08:17,329 --> 00:08:18,765 - Thomas... - Oh, this can't be good. 270 00:08:18,858 --> 00:08:20,300 - We need to talk. - Something wrong? 271 00:08:20,399 --> 00:08:22,769 - I was online trolling Tina the Masseuse, 272 00:08:22,867 --> 00:08:24,936 and I came across some vids. 273 00:08:25,036 --> 00:08:26,906 - Oh. - "Moron Puts Head in Toilet." 274 00:08:27,005 --> 00:08:28,207 - Don't look at those. 275 00:08:28,306 --> 00:08:30,243 - "Dipshit Puts Squirrel Down Pants." 276 00:08:30,342 --> 00:08:32,479 - Oh, no. Am I in trouble? - Trouble? No. 277 00:08:32,577 --> 00:08:34,681 I was trying to have, like, a stern tone to trick you. 278 00:08:34,779 --> 00:08:36,015 You're famous, Tom! 279 00:08:36,115 --> 00:08:37,317 - Oh. Oh, this is a good thing? 280 00:08:37,416 --> 00:08:39,252 - Yes, boy, this is a great thing. 281 00:08:39,351 --> 00:08:40,787 How much money are you guys making? 282 00:08:40,880 --> 00:08:42,389 - How much money? That's Phil's department. 283 00:08:42,487 --> 00:08:44,657 But I think it's, like, upwards of five Gs a month. 284 00:08:44,756 --> 00:08:46,659 - Tom, you know that's more than I make, right? 285 00:08:46,758 --> 00:08:48,328 - It seems like you don't make a lot, yeah. 286 00:08:48,427 --> 00:08:50,329 - Tell me if this is hasty, but um... 287 00:08:50,429 --> 00:08:52,232 I'm thinking what if you drop out of school 288 00:08:52,331 --> 00:08:54,333 and start pursuing this full-time? 289 00:08:54,431 --> 00:08:56,135 - I don't think they let you drop out when you're ten. 290 00:08:56,235 --> 00:08:57,936 - This could be very lucrative. 291 00:08:58,037 --> 00:08:59,439 If you do more asinine stuff, 292 00:08:59,538 --> 00:09:01,207 add a little danger into the mix, 293 00:09:01,305 --> 00:09:03,576 Tom, you could be retired by the time you're 11. 294 00:09:03,670 --> 00:09:05,144 - All right. Been a crazy day. 295 00:09:05,242 --> 00:09:06,579 One minute, you're sticking your head in a toilet, 296 00:09:06,678 --> 00:09:09,315 the next, you're done with your education. 297 00:09:10,247 --> 00:09:12,585 - You're dropping out? - That's right, baby. 298 00:09:12,684 --> 00:09:14,320 - That is beyond cool. 299 00:09:14,419 --> 00:09:15,882 - My mom was really upset, and I said, 300 00:09:15,987 --> 00:09:17,424 "Hey, old lady, I'm dropping out." 301 00:09:17,522 --> 00:09:21,027 - Damn, dude, I love talking back to my parents. 302 00:09:21,127 --> 00:09:22,494 Or parent. - Listen. 303 00:09:22,594 --> 00:09:24,531 You need to do something epic on your last day. 304 00:09:24,629 --> 00:09:26,533 Phil, you thinking what I'm thinking? 305 00:09:26,631 --> 00:09:30,101 both: "Nimrod Farts in Bus Driver's Face." 306 00:09:30,201 --> 00:09:32,171 - Didn't see that coming, but hey, I like it. 307 00:09:32,270 --> 00:09:33,606 - Yeah, I mean, me and Tom still cool, you know. 308 00:09:33,705 --> 00:09:35,242 He haven't been to wiffle ball in a while. 309 00:09:35,339 --> 00:09:37,409 He don't answer my calls, but--oh, what's up, Tom? 310 00:09:37,509 --> 00:09:39,011 You back, baby, I-- - Shh. 311 00:09:39,110 --> 00:09:40,580 - Did you just shush me? - Nelson, we're filming. 312 00:09:40,678 --> 00:09:42,315 Can you close your mouth? - Wow. Tom, you've changed. 313 00:09:42,414 --> 00:09:43,949 - Nelson, you gotta stop talking. 314 00:09:44,043 --> 00:09:45,452 We're trying to get the establishing shot. 315 00:09:45,551 --> 00:09:47,254 - Been a while since you've been up front, huh? 316 00:09:47,352 --> 00:09:49,256 Wait, what the heck is going-- - Just drive the bus. 317 00:09:49,354 --> 00:09:51,157 - Hey, you're trying to fart in my face, aren't you? 318 00:09:51,256 --> 00:09:52,492 - Toot at him, Tom. - Blow him away! 319 00:09:52,585 --> 00:09:53,560 Show him what you got! 320 00:09:53,658 --> 00:09:54,761 - I can't fart on command, guys. 321 00:09:54,859 --> 00:09:56,429 It's too much pressure. 322 00:09:56,527 --> 00:09:58,231 - This is too dangerous, Tom! Not while I drive the bus! 323 00:09:58,330 --> 00:09:59,999 - Tom, stop! - Oh, my God. 324 00:10:00,098 --> 00:10:02,001 We're all gonna die. - We're gonna crash! 325 00:10:02,100 --> 00:10:04,537 [all screaming] 326 00:10:04,636 --> 00:10:06,639 [crashing] 327 00:10:06,738 --> 00:10:08,475 Oh, great. Now I farted. 328 00:10:08,573 --> 00:10:10,443 [siren wailing] - Hi, Tom. 329 00:10:10,542 --> 00:10:12,812 Hey, just wanna let you know we got ahold of your mom, 330 00:10:12,910 --> 00:10:15,748 and she is on her way down just as soon as she can 331 00:10:15,847 --> 00:10:20,152 "upload the fart video to all social platforms." 332 00:10:20,251 --> 00:10:21,554 - Oh, okay. Yeah, I know what that means. 333 00:10:21,653 --> 00:10:23,122 - You feel good about that information? 334 00:10:23,220 --> 00:10:24,690 'Cause it didn't make any sense to us. 335 00:10:24,789 --> 00:10:26,525 - That does make sense, yeah. - Good, good, good. 336 00:10:26,625 --> 00:10:27,927 Well, you won't be lonely, though. 337 00:10:28,027 --> 00:10:29,229 You have some visitors. 338 00:10:29,328 --> 00:10:30,563 Looks like all your friends are here. 339 00:10:30,662 --> 00:10:32,432 Come on in, guys. - What's up, playboy? 340 00:10:32,531 --> 00:10:34,801 - Hi, Tom. - Hello, Thomas. 341 00:10:34,899 --> 00:10:36,002 - That's a weird group. 342 00:10:36,100 --> 00:10:37,237 - Tom, this ain't a friendly visit. 343 00:10:37,336 --> 00:10:38,305 It's a intervention. - Oh, why? 344 00:10:38,403 --> 00:10:39,506 'Cause we crashed the bus? 345 00:10:39,604 --> 00:10:40,967 I'm sorry I farted in your face. 346 00:10:41,072 --> 00:10:43,042 - Yeah, the bus got crashed, Tom. 347 00:10:43,142 --> 00:10:44,377 We're concerned about you. 348 00:10:44,476 --> 00:10:45,712 - No, sounds like you guys are jealous. 349 00:10:45,810 --> 00:10:47,146 The videos are doing great. 350 00:10:47,245 --> 00:10:48,615 I'm the coolest kid in school these days. 351 00:10:48,713 --> 00:10:50,250 - Well, yeah, that's exactly the problem. 352 00:10:50,348 --> 00:10:51,583 You're too damn cool. 353 00:10:51,683 --> 00:10:53,520 When we were your age, we were cool too. 354 00:10:53,618 --> 00:10:56,055 - But cool kids grow up to be losers. 355 00:10:56,154 --> 00:10:57,424 You know what I'm saying? - No, come on. 356 00:10:57,522 --> 00:10:58,958 You're not losers. You guys are killing it. 357 00:10:59,057 --> 00:11:01,027 - Tom, I'm an unlicensed bus driver. 358 00:11:01,126 --> 00:11:02,194 - You don't have a license? - No. 359 00:11:02,294 --> 00:11:03,730 Glenn works at a pretzel place. 360 00:11:03,828 --> 00:11:05,365 - And I'm not even allowed to touch the pretzels. 361 00:11:05,464 --> 00:11:06,899 You know what I'm saying? They keep me in the back 362 00:11:06,998 --> 00:11:08,268 like some kind of freak. - They do? 363 00:11:08,367 --> 00:11:09,936 - Yep. They call me Pretzel Freak. 364 00:11:10,036 --> 00:11:11,371 - Pretzel Freak? 365 00:11:11,470 --> 00:11:13,540 This is a really depressing conversation. 366 00:11:13,639 --> 00:11:16,003 - Point is, these guys, they peaked in grade school, 367 00:11:16,107 --> 00:11:17,277 and we don't want that to happen to you. 368 00:11:17,375 --> 00:11:18,711 - You know what? You guys might be right. 369 00:11:18,811 --> 00:11:20,046 So what do I do? 370 00:11:20,144 --> 00:11:22,349 - You gotta do a positive video, Tom. 371 00:11:22,441 --> 00:11:24,817 - So what, just make videos about listening to your parents 372 00:11:24,916 --> 00:11:26,619 and cleaning up? - Yeah. 373 00:11:26,717 --> 00:11:30,323 Like you feeding a squirrel or teaching a bird how to fly. 374 00:11:30,422 --> 00:11:32,190 - That's a great idea. Those are all wack ideas. 375 00:11:32,289 --> 00:11:33,860 - All right, great. Thanks for swinging by. 376 00:11:33,958 --> 00:11:36,363 Why don't you just bring it in, give me a hug, and... 377 00:11:36,461 --> 00:11:39,131 - No, I heard some weird things about your hugs. 378 00:11:39,230 --> 00:11:42,101 So that's gonna be a hard pass for me. 379 00:11:42,201 --> 00:11:43,436 [school bell rings] 380 00:11:43,535 --> 00:11:45,137 - Oh, guys, thanks again for doing this. 381 00:11:45,236 --> 00:11:46,873 - You're looking good. Skin glowing. 382 00:11:46,966 --> 00:11:48,174 You ready to do this? - Yeah. 383 00:11:48,274 --> 00:11:49,509 This is the real Tom. Let's do it. 384 00:11:49,608 --> 00:11:50,976 - Hell yeah. 385 00:11:51,077 --> 00:11:52,412 [soft music playing] 386 00:11:52,511 --> 00:11:54,647 - All right, we're rolling. Action. 387 00:11:54,746 --> 00:11:56,616 - Hi, there. This is Tom. 388 00:11:56,714 --> 00:11:59,652 You may know me from such classic videos as 389 00:11:59,751 --> 00:12:04,524 "Imbecile Slaps Himself Silly" or "Moron Eats Garbage," 390 00:12:04,623 --> 00:12:06,693 but I'm here to tell you there's another way to be cool. 391 00:12:06,792 --> 00:12:09,229 That's why I'm here cleaning up litter at my school. 392 00:12:09,328 --> 00:12:10,997 - Whoa, cut the camera. 393 00:12:11,095 --> 00:12:12,365 - I'm sorry. Hey, we're filming here. 394 00:12:12,464 --> 00:12:14,467 - What the eff are you doing? 395 00:12:14,566 --> 00:12:16,002 - Just trying to make a difference. 396 00:12:16,095 --> 00:12:17,203 Cleaning up this filthy schoolyard. 397 00:12:17,303 --> 00:12:18,805 - That garbage belongs to me. 398 00:12:18,903 --> 00:12:21,068 Put it back, or I'm gonna tae kwon do you again. 399 00:12:21,172 --> 00:12:22,574 [grunts] - I'm not fighting you. 400 00:12:22,674 --> 00:12:25,378 I'm making a video about being a good citizen. 401 00:12:25,476 --> 00:12:26,679 - Hiyah! [grunting] - Wait. 402 00:12:26,778 --> 00:12:28,515 What the hell is going on outside? 403 00:12:28,613 --> 00:12:30,350 - [grunting] - All right. Hate to do this. 404 00:12:30,449 --> 00:12:31,784 Here it comes. Tae kwon do! [grunts] 405 00:12:31,883 --> 00:12:34,153 - [groaning] - Oh, that doesn't look good. 406 00:12:34,253 --> 00:12:35,855 I gotta get out of here. See you later. 407 00:12:35,954 --> 00:12:38,791 - Did Tom just throw garbage all over the school, 408 00:12:38,890 --> 00:12:41,360 then kick the janitor in the balls? 409 00:12:41,460 --> 00:12:42,429 - I mean, the guy's a legend. 410 00:12:42,528 --> 00:12:44,231 - Greatest of all time. 411 00:12:44,329 --> 00:12:45,898 [rock music] 412 00:12:45,998 --> 00:12:47,534 - ♪ Tae kwon do ♪ 413 00:12:47,627 --> 00:12:50,403 ♪ ♪ 414 00:12:50,502 --> 00:12:53,606 [soft orchestral music playing] 415 00:12:53,706 --> 00:13:00,713 ♪ ♪ 416 00:13:01,713 --> 00:13:04,083 - Hey, Mr. B? - Oh, dear God. 417 00:13:04,182 --> 00:13:05,918 - Sorry to interrupt. I got great news. 418 00:13:06,018 --> 00:13:07,253 I did some soul searching, 419 00:13:07,352 --> 00:13:08,655 and I realized how much I miss you guys. 420 00:13:08,754 --> 00:13:10,757 Tom's back on bassoon, baby. Let's play. 421 00:13:10,855 --> 00:13:13,760 [playing funky music] 422 00:13:13,859 --> 00:13:14,793 ♪ ♪ 423 00:13:14,894 --> 00:13:16,162 - Yay? 424 00:13:16,260 --> 00:13:17,564 What's the appropriate response here? 425 00:13:17,657 --> 00:13:18,765 - How ironic. 426 00:13:18,864 --> 00:13:22,235 Tom has come groveling back like a worm. 427 00:13:22,334 --> 00:13:23,703 - Like a worm? I thought 428 00:13:23,801 --> 00:13:25,538 this would be a much more emotional reunion. 429 00:13:25,637 --> 00:13:27,607 - Let me ask you a question, Tom. 430 00:13:27,706 --> 00:13:28,574 - Oh, God. Yeah? 431 00:13:28,673 --> 00:13:30,476 - Does the world really need 432 00:13:30,575 --> 00:13:32,878 another subpar bassoonist? 433 00:13:32,977 --> 00:13:36,015 - I mean, based on your tone, I'm guessing no, we don't. 434 00:13:36,115 --> 00:13:38,050 - If you wish to rejoin band, 435 00:13:38,149 --> 00:13:41,288 it'll have to be on a less desirable instrument, 436 00:13:41,387 --> 00:13:45,292 like the triangle or maracas. 437 00:13:45,390 --> 00:13:46,993 - A lot of maracas in Stravinsky songs? 438 00:13:47,092 --> 00:13:49,362 - Not a lot, Tom, no. 439 00:13:50,828 --> 00:13:51,931 - Oh, Nelson, I've got a dilemma. 440 00:13:52,031 --> 00:13:53,099 - What's going on? 441 00:13:53,198 --> 00:13:54,400 - I need to pick a new instrument, 442 00:13:54,500 --> 00:13:56,101 and I think I'm gonna go with triangle. 443 00:13:56,201 --> 00:13:57,604 - Tom, if you play triangle, 444 00:13:57,703 --> 00:13:59,306 you will never date a girl as long as you live. 445 00:13:59,404 --> 00:14:01,040 - Why not? - Have you ever seen a movie 446 00:14:01,139 --> 00:14:03,810 where a girl says, "That triangle player is so hot"? 447 00:14:03,908 --> 00:14:05,612 - Doesn't sound like great dialogue. 448 00:14:05,710 --> 00:14:07,947 - And can you imagine, "Mom, I'm having a baby." 449 00:14:08,046 --> 00:14:10,583 "Who's the father?" "The triangle player." No. 450 00:14:10,682 --> 00:14:12,083 - No, let's get another opinion here. 451 00:14:12,177 --> 00:14:13,320 Dakota, can I ask you a question? 452 00:14:13,418 --> 00:14:14,721 - Yeah. Hit me. 453 00:14:14,814 --> 00:14:16,155 - If we were older, 454 00:14:16,254 --> 00:14:17,524 do you think you'd be attracted to me 455 00:14:17,622 --> 00:14:19,186 if I was a triangle player? 456 00:14:19,291 --> 00:14:20,860 - Uh, no. 457 00:14:20,959 --> 00:14:22,094 - Just no? - Mm-mm. 458 00:14:22,193 --> 00:14:23,230 - Because of me or the triangle? 459 00:14:23,328 --> 00:14:24,631 - I think it's the combo. 460 00:14:24,729 --> 00:14:26,533 - Yasmine, you wanna weigh in? - Um... 461 00:14:26,631 --> 00:14:28,534 - You don't wanna hear what she has to say about this. 462 00:14:28,634 --> 00:14:30,270 - All right, you know, this is not a conclusive poll. 463 00:14:30,368 --> 00:14:31,871 This is really very unscientific. 464 00:14:31,970 --> 00:14:33,873 - Okay, you need to aim higher, Tom. 465 00:14:33,972 --> 00:14:35,574 - Well, I'm being told I stink, so... 466 00:14:35,673 --> 00:14:37,244 - Who's filling your head with that junk? 467 00:14:37,342 --> 00:14:38,545 - Oh, you know, Mr. B. 468 00:14:38,644 --> 00:14:40,079 He just said I'm the worst musician 469 00:14:40,178 --> 00:14:41,208 in the tristate area. 470 00:14:41,313 --> 00:14:42,815 - Don't listen to Mr. B. 471 00:14:42,914 --> 00:14:45,284 Mr. B can suck a D. - Mr. B can suck a what? 472 00:14:45,383 --> 00:14:47,520 - I have a friend who teaches piano. 473 00:14:47,619 --> 00:14:49,322 He will hook you up, Tom. 474 00:14:50,288 --> 00:14:52,592 - Tickling with Troy? What's that supposed to mean? 475 00:14:52,691 --> 00:14:55,061 - It's a play on "tickling the ivories." 476 00:14:55,159 --> 00:14:57,764 He's not literally gonna tickle you during the lessons, Tom. 477 00:14:57,863 --> 00:14:59,065 Come on. 478 00:14:59,163 --> 00:15:01,400 - He must--I mean, a grown man printing flyers, 479 00:15:01,500 --> 00:15:02,935 he must know what he's doing. 480 00:15:03,035 --> 00:15:04,537 [piano chords playing] 481 00:15:04,636 --> 00:15:06,234 - Ooh, that's wonderful. - That's good? 482 00:15:06,338 --> 00:15:07,740 - Beethoven's got nothing on this guy. 483 00:15:07,839 --> 00:15:09,909 [piano chords playing] - How's that? 484 00:15:10,007 --> 00:15:11,644 - You're making Strauss look like an idiot. 485 00:15:11,742 --> 00:15:13,346 You're a natural. - Oh, my God. 486 00:15:13,440 --> 00:15:14,814 I'm not used to this much positive reinforcement. 487 00:15:14,912 --> 00:15:16,182 - Well, Tom, you're doing great. 488 00:15:16,282 --> 00:15:17,617 And you know what that means. 489 00:15:17,717 --> 00:15:18,717 - What? 490 00:15:19,184 --> 00:15:20,287 What is this? 491 00:15:20,385 --> 00:15:21,688 What are you doing? - What? 492 00:15:21,787 --> 00:15:23,251 What do you mean? - Why are you tickling me? 493 00:15:23,355 --> 00:15:25,558 - Uh, it's called positive reinforcement. 494 00:15:25,657 --> 00:15:26,993 - I was promised there'd be no tickling. 495 00:15:27,092 --> 00:15:28,027 - Wow. 496 00:15:28,127 --> 00:15:29,396 What kind of maniac 497 00:15:29,494 --> 00:15:31,464 would show up to Tickling with Troy 498 00:15:31,563 --> 00:15:34,534 and then get weird when there's frickin' tickling? 499 00:15:34,632 --> 00:15:36,369 - I thought it was a play 500 00:15:36,468 --> 00:15:38,003 on the phrase "tickling the ivories." 501 00:15:38,102 --> 00:15:41,007 - I've never heard that expression in my entire life. 502 00:15:41,101 --> 00:15:42,708 - You've never heard it? - Never. 503 00:15:42,807 --> 00:15:44,344 - Let's just do it. Let's just get back into it. 504 00:15:44,443 --> 00:15:46,078 Let's not tickle. Let's not giggle. 505 00:15:46,177 --> 00:15:48,648 I got a big audition tomorrow, and I only know three chords. 506 00:15:48,747 --> 00:15:50,683 [piano chords playing] - I'll tell you what, Tom. 507 00:15:50,782 --> 00:15:54,354 How about you walk your ass out of my studio? 508 00:15:54,453 --> 00:15:56,523 - Oh, no. - I've devoted my entire life 509 00:15:56,622 --> 00:15:58,257 to teaching kids... - Oh, my God. 510 00:15:58,357 --> 00:16:00,560 - Through dedication and tickling. 511 00:16:00,659 --> 00:16:03,061 I ought to tickle you to death! 512 00:16:03,162 --> 00:16:04,731 [door slams] 513 00:16:04,829 --> 00:16:06,499 - Just for the record, he's literally gonna tickle you. 514 00:16:06,598 --> 00:16:08,435 Just be aware of that. - Yeah, they know. 515 00:16:08,533 --> 00:16:10,470 You don't have to tell them. 516 00:16:10,568 --> 00:16:13,473 [dramatic music] 517 00:16:13,572 --> 00:16:16,376 [doorbell ringing] 518 00:16:16,475 --> 00:16:17,844 - Tom. What are you doing here? 519 00:16:17,943 --> 00:16:19,378 - Listen, it's a bit of an emergency. 520 00:16:19,478 --> 00:16:20,680 You're my only friend with a piano. 521 00:16:20,779 --> 00:16:22,282 I just need to come in and practice 522 00:16:22,381 --> 00:16:23,850 for a couple hours. - Uh, we're kinda 523 00:16:23,948 --> 00:16:25,351 in the middle of dinner. - No, it really kind of needs 524 00:16:25,451 --> 00:16:26,653 to happen--I'm coming in. - I'm sorry. No. 525 00:16:26,752 --> 00:16:27,920 - I'm coming in. - I love you, but no. 526 00:16:28,019 --> 00:16:29,389 - I'm coming in. - You can't come in. 527 00:16:29,487 --> 00:16:30,657 - I'm gonna let myself in. - Tom! 528 00:16:30,755 --> 00:16:32,391 - Come on. - What are you doing? 529 00:16:32,490 --> 00:16:34,092 - You're gonna love it; it'll be pleasant background music. 530 00:16:34,193 --> 00:16:35,795 - You're out of control, Tom. 531 00:16:35,894 --> 00:16:37,664 - If you have any requests, I know the chords C, G, and E. 532 00:16:37,762 --> 00:16:40,867 [piano music playing] 533 00:16:40,966 --> 00:16:43,503 - If I blew my head off right now, 534 00:16:43,602 --> 00:16:44,771 I wouldn't be sad. 535 00:16:44,869 --> 00:16:47,039 Brad, you have to say something. 536 00:16:47,139 --> 00:16:48,575 - Just let the kid play. 537 00:16:48,673 --> 00:16:50,076 - Are you scared of a little kid? 538 00:16:50,174 --> 00:16:53,012 - No, I'm not afraid of a little--I'm a man. 539 00:16:53,111 --> 00:16:54,981 - [laughing] You're a big man now. 540 00:16:55,080 --> 00:16:56,344 A big man. 541 00:16:56,448 --> 00:16:58,618 - I have hair down there. - Oh, my God. 542 00:16:58,716 --> 00:17:00,320 - Stop being such a wuss, 543 00:17:00,418 --> 00:17:01,954 and tell him to stop! 544 00:17:02,054 --> 00:17:03,055 - Fine. 545 00:17:03,855 --> 00:17:06,526 The combination of his music and your voice 546 00:17:06,624 --> 00:17:08,328 is an assault on my ears. 547 00:17:08,426 --> 00:17:10,430 A wuss wouldn't say that. [laughs] 548 00:17:10,529 --> 00:17:12,265 - As a family, we really need to work 549 00:17:12,364 --> 00:17:13,333 on our dinner conversation. 550 00:17:13,431 --> 00:17:14,701 - I know, and you know what? 551 00:17:14,799 --> 00:17:17,304 Tonight, I'm gonna ask God to help us. 552 00:17:17,402 --> 00:17:19,005 ♪ ♪ 553 00:17:19,103 --> 00:17:21,274 - Hey, Tom, what are you working on? 554 00:17:21,373 --> 00:17:22,609 - Uh, I got my audition tomorrow, 555 00:17:22,708 --> 00:17:23,910 and I only know three chords. 556 00:17:24,008 --> 00:17:25,578 - That's all you need. - What? 557 00:17:25,677 --> 00:17:28,648 - A lot of great songs only use three chords. 558 00:17:28,747 --> 00:17:31,484 Like my song "My Wife Just Doesn't Get It." 559 00:17:31,583 --> 00:17:33,420 [playing piano] A, C, G. 560 00:17:33,519 --> 00:17:35,355 - You serious? - "Why Does My Wife Insist 561 00:17:35,453 --> 00:17:38,386 On Belittling Me In Public"? E, C, D. 562 00:17:38,490 --> 00:17:39,792 - Oh, I know three chords. 563 00:17:39,891 --> 00:17:41,389 All right. I guess I'm all set. Thanks. 564 00:17:41,488 --> 00:17:44,464 - But if you really want to impress your teacher, 565 00:17:44,562 --> 00:17:46,233 you need to write originals. 566 00:17:46,332 --> 00:17:47,534 - No, I'm not creative. 567 00:17:47,633 --> 00:17:49,569 - Tom, in the world of creativity, 568 00:17:49,668 --> 00:17:52,071 everyone just borrows and steals. 569 00:17:52,170 --> 00:17:53,706 - What do you mean, I can just steal someone's song? 570 00:17:53,805 --> 00:17:55,074 - How do you think Michael Jackson 571 00:17:55,173 --> 00:17:56,443 became Michael Jackson 572 00:17:56,541 --> 00:17:58,845 or Juice Newton became Juice Newton? 573 00:17:58,944 --> 00:18:00,613 - Juice Newton was just stealing songs? 574 00:18:00,712 --> 00:18:02,682 - Just make a few tweaks 575 00:18:02,781 --> 00:18:04,684 and call it "inspiration." 576 00:18:04,783 --> 00:18:06,152 - I love it. That sounds easy. 577 00:18:06,252 --> 00:18:07,720 - Here. Here's my old keyboard 578 00:18:07,819 --> 00:18:10,457 and a free CD of my wife songs. 579 00:18:10,556 --> 00:18:11,858 - "Dakota's Dad Loathes His Wife." 580 00:18:11,957 --> 00:18:13,826 That's a weird title for an album. 581 00:18:13,925 --> 00:18:16,263 Oh, wow, you really have, like, thousands of them, don't you? 582 00:18:16,360 --> 00:18:20,032 - Let's just say I greatly overestimated the demand. 583 00:18:20,132 --> 00:18:21,368 ♪ ♪ 584 00:18:21,467 --> 00:18:24,771 - ♪ Hey, look at that squirrel ♪ 585 00:18:24,869 --> 00:18:26,739 ♪ Reminds me of my Uncle Bill ♪ 586 00:18:26,838 --> 00:18:28,808 ♪ He's so chubby ♪ 587 00:18:28,906 --> 00:18:30,910 - Hey, there, Tom. - Oh, hey there, Big Rick. 588 00:18:31,009 --> 00:18:32,379 - What's going on? No more bassoon? 589 00:18:32,478 --> 00:18:33,513 - Oh, no, I'm playing piano now. 590 00:18:33,612 --> 00:18:34,981 I'm banging out original songs. 591 00:18:35,079 --> 00:18:37,445 - Whoa, whoa, wait, wait. You wrote original songs? 592 00:18:37,548 --> 00:18:39,386 - I wrote a whole album, yeah. It's called "The Tom Album." 593 00:18:39,485 --> 00:18:40,620 - Like what? What do you got? 594 00:18:40,719 --> 00:18:42,188 - I got "I'm Sittin' on the Bus." 595 00:18:42,282 --> 00:18:43,390 - Uh-huh. - I got one called 596 00:18:43,488 --> 00:18:44,624 "I Need to Pee." - Mm-hmm. 597 00:18:44,723 --> 00:18:45,725 - I got "Autumn With My Bassoon." 598 00:18:45,823 --> 00:18:47,193 - So there's some bassoon-- 599 00:18:47,291 --> 00:18:48,861 you're still doing some of the bassoon stuff? 600 00:18:48,960 --> 00:18:51,030 - Yeah, singing about bassoons on the piano. 601 00:18:51,129 --> 00:18:52,365 - This doesn't feel like an album's worth of stuff, 602 00:18:52,464 --> 00:18:53,700 to be honest, right now. 603 00:18:53,798 --> 00:18:54,834 - I got a song called "I Love Cookies." 604 00:18:54,933 --> 00:18:55,935 - Wait, what? What's it called? 605 00:18:56,035 --> 00:18:57,537 - Wanna hear "I Love Cookies"? 606 00:18:57,636 --> 00:18:58,905 - Yes, I do wanna hear that. - All right. 607 00:18:59,003 --> 00:19:00,468 It goes a little something like, uh... 608 00:19:00,572 --> 00:19:03,209 ♪ I don't like tucking in my shirt ♪ 609 00:19:03,308 --> 00:19:06,979 ♪ And I don't like cleaning my bassoon ♪ 610 00:19:07,078 --> 00:19:09,782 ♪ There's only one thing I love ♪ 611 00:19:09,881 --> 00:19:11,818 ♪ I love cookies ♪ 612 00:19:11,916 --> 00:19:13,953 - Tom, that is very impressive. 613 00:19:14,051 --> 00:19:15,955 - You like the cookie one? - Like? I love it. 614 00:19:16,054 --> 00:19:18,258 My agency is doing a Super Bowl commercial 615 00:19:18,356 --> 00:19:19,692 for Pepperidge Farm... 616 00:19:19,791 --> 00:19:22,362 - Stop. - And we need a catchy song. 617 00:19:22,460 --> 00:19:25,865 Would you like to license me the rights to "I Love Cookies"? 618 00:19:25,964 --> 00:19:27,467 - You would actually use my song? 619 00:19:27,566 --> 00:19:30,303 - Absolutely. Not only that, it's a great backstory. 620 00:19:30,402 --> 00:19:31,971 The human interest. 621 00:19:32,069 --> 00:19:34,040 "Pepperidge Farm bought a song from a little tiny kid." 622 00:19:34,134 --> 00:19:35,141 - This is exciting. 623 00:19:35,241 --> 00:19:36,343 I can't wait to tell my bandmates. 624 00:19:36,441 --> 00:19:37,610 - Tom. - Yeah? 625 00:19:37,709 --> 00:19:38,978 - You're in the big leagues now. 626 00:19:39,076 --> 00:19:40,547 It's time to leave those losers behind. 627 00:19:40,645 --> 00:19:42,214 - Leave the losers behind? Why? 628 00:19:42,314 --> 00:19:43,750 - You're Super Bowl Tom. 629 00:19:43,848 --> 00:19:46,319 Start acting like it. 630 00:19:46,418 --> 00:19:48,321 [hip-hop music] 631 00:19:48,420 --> 00:19:50,257 - ♪ Super Bowl Tom ♪ 632 00:19:50,355 --> 00:19:53,393 ♪ ♪ 633 00:19:53,491 --> 00:19:55,362 ♪ Super Bowl Tom ♪ 634 00:19:55,460 --> 00:19:57,464 ♪ ♪ 635 00:19:57,562 --> 00:19:59,732 - Dakota, watch your fingering. 636 00:19:59,832 --> 00:20:01,033 - Hey, Mr. B. 637 00:20:01,132 --> 00:20:02,602 Do you mind hitting pause on whatever 638 00:20:02,700 --> 00:20:03,970 silly nonsense you got going on there? 639 00:20:04,068 --> 00:20:07,006 - Uh, yes, Tom, I do mind hitting pause. 640 00:20:07,106 --> 00:20:08,074 You can wait, 641 00:20:08,172 --> 00:20:10,743 and your audition can wait with you. 642 00:20:10,842 --> 00:20:11,811 - Listen, I'm not here to audition. 643 00:20:11,910 --> 00:20:13,145 I'm here to actually quit. 644 00:20:13,244 --> 00:20:14,947 - I'm not sure you're aware of this, 645 00:20:15,046 --> 00:20:19,151 but you can't quit something that you don't belong to. 646 00:20:19,250 --> 00:20:21,254 - Oh, yeah? Watch me. I'm just gonna say it. 647 00:20:21,352 --> 00:20:24,123 In the words of a, uh, very wise bus driver, 648 00:20:24,217 --> 00:20:25,892 "Mr. B can suck a D." 649 00:20:25,992 --> 00:20:27,494 - [gasps] - Oh! Tom! 650 00:20:27,593 --> 00:20:29,028 - What? Does D mean something bad? 651 00:20:29,126 --> 00:20:30,797 - You can't say that to an adult. 652 00:20:30,895 --> 00:20:32,465 - Super Bowl Tom can say whatever he wants. 653 00:20:32,564 --> 00:20:33,800 Now, if you'll excuse me, 654 00:20:33,898 --> 00:20:35,968 I'm gonna moonwalk my way outta here. 655 00:20:37,669 --> 00:20:38,671 - Wow. 656 00:20:38,770 --> 00:20:40,773 God, that was a good moonwalk. 657 00:20:40,872 --> 00:20:43,042 [electronic dance music] 658 00:20:43,140 --> 00:20:44,877 - Okay, guys, I'm making my grand entrance. 659 00:20:44,976 --> 00:20:46,574 Get it up there. High fives all around. 660 00:20:46,678 --> 00:20:48,047 - Yeah! - Tommy! 661 00:20:48,145 --> 00:20:50,517 Who knew he had it in him? - Whoo-hoo! 662 00:20:50,615 --> 00:20:51,684 - Way to go, Tom. 663 00:20:51,783 --> 00:20:53,953 - How cool is this guy? Tommy! 664 00:20:54,053 --> 00:20:55,722 - Hey, I'm proud of you, Tom. 665 00:20:55,820 --> 00:20:57,224 - Whoa, Tom, man, you guys 666 00:20:57,322 --> 00:20:58,958 really went all out for this Super Bowl party. 667 00:20:59,057 --> 00:21:00,727 - Hey, you know what Super Bowl Tom says, right? 668 00:21:00,827 --> 00:21:01,828 Go big or go home. 669 00:21:01,927 --> 00:21:03,396 - Proud of you, Tom. 670 00:21:03,495 --> 00:21:06,333 You're finally not an embarrassment to the family. 671 00:21:06,430 --> 00:21:08,067 - That's a weird compliment, but thanks, Grandma. 672 00:21:08,167 --> 00:21:09,836 - Okay, hey, everyone shut up. 673 00:21:09,934 --> 00:21:12,539 Close your dumb mouths right now. 674 00:21:12,637 --> 00:21:15,007 Tom's Pepperidge Farm commercial 675 00:21:15,106 --> 00:21:17,377 is coming on right after kickoff. 676 00:21:17,475 --> 00:21:19,111 Tom, honey, say a few words. 677 00:21:19,210 --> 00:21:21,481 - I just wanna say thank you to all the little people 678 00:21:21,574 --> 00:21:23,250 who helped me achieve my dreams. 679 00:21:23,348 --> 00:21:25,084 Rick, Dakota's dad, 680 00:21:25,178 --> 00:21:26,286 the bus driver, 681 00:21:26,385 --> 00:21:27,287 the Lord, 682 00:21:27,386 --> 00:21:28,355 the band The Donkey Dick 683 00:21:28,454 --> 00:21:29,556 who rerecorded my song. 684 00:21:29,655 --> 00:21:30,690 Great job, guys. 685 00:21:30,789 --> 00:21:31,758 - Thanks a lot, Super Bowl Tom. 686 00:21:31,858 --> 00:21:33,059 We appreciate you. 687 00:21:33,158 --> 00:21:34,527 - I couldn't have done it without you all. 688 00:21:34,626 --> 00:21:36,696 All right. Sit back and enjoy. 689 00:21:36,789 --> 00:21:38,865 - And what a start to the Super Bowl! 690 00:21:38,964 --> 00:21:41,100 We'll be right back after this break. 691 00:21:41,199 --> 00:21:43,770 - ♪ I don't like tucking in my shirt ♪ 692 00:21:43,868 --> 00:21:47,039 ♪ I don't like cleaning my bassoon ♪ 693 00:21:47,138 --> 00:21:49,542 ♪ There's only one thing I love ♪ 694 00:21:49,641 --> 00:21:51,378 ♪ I love cookies ♪ 695 00:21:51,475 --> 00:21:54,347 - Tom, this is the best commercial I've ever seen. 696 00:21:54,446 --> 00:21:55,948 I'm so proud of you. 697 00:21:56,047 --> 00:21:57,317 - ♪ Pepperidge Farm cookies ♪ 698 00:21:57,416 --> 00:21:58,485 - Oh, my God. 699 00:21:58,583 --> 00:21:59,619 [all groaning] - What the hell? 700 00:21:59,718 --> 00:22:00,987 - That little shit stole my song! 701 00:22:01,086 --> 00:22:02,422 - Little shit--what's this? 702 00:22:02,521 --> 00:22:04,691 - That was the title track for my wife CD. 703 00:22:04,790 --> 00:22:06,192 - You told me it's okay to borrow. 704 00:22:06,292 --> 00:22:08,495 - Borrow? You copied it note for note. 705 00:22:08,593 --> 00:22:10,062 There were no tweaks! 706 00:22:10,161 --> 00:22:13,032 ♪ I love hanging out with my bros ♪ 707 00:22:13,131 --> 00:22:15,768 ♪ I love strumming on my guitar ♪ 708 00:22:15,862 --> 00:22:18,137 ♪ There's only one thing I loathe ♪ 709 00:22:18,237 --> 00:22:21,040 ♪ I loathe my wife ♪ 710 00:22:21,138 --> 00:22:24,210 - Damn, Tom, you really did copy it note for note. 711 00:22:24,308 --> 00:22:26,045 - There are similarities. I'm not gonna deny that. 712 00:22:26,143 --> 00:22:28,248 - You mean how it's the same damn song 713 00:22:28,347 --> 00:22:29,649 except for one word? 714 00:22:29,748 --> 00:22:32,385 - Oh, come on, I changed "wife" to "cookies" and... 715 00:22:32,484 --> 00:22:33,453 both: "Loathe" to "love." 716 00:22:33,552 --> 00:22:34,587 - Now it's my song, right? 717 00:22:34,686 --> 00:22:36,188 - The hell it is your song. 718 00:22:36,287 --> 00:22:38,024 - I mean, I heard the music business was shady, 719 00:22:38,123 --> 00:22:40,059 but this is--this is low. 720 00:22:40,159 --> 00:22:41,461 - Damn right, it's low. 721 00:22:41,560 --> 00:22:43,129 I'm gonna tell everyone in town 722 00:22:43,229 --> 00:22:45,465 just what kind of rat you are, Tom. 723 00:22:45,564 --> 00:22:46,933 - Come on. Have some guacamole. 724 00:22:47,031 --> 00:22:49,168 - Take your guacamole and shove it up your ass! 725 00:22:49,268 --> 00:22:50,803 [door slams] - Oh, God. 726 00:22:50,902 --> 00:22:52,171 - I've never hosted a party before. 727 00:22:52,271 --> 00:22:54,607 Are they always this depressing? 728 00:22:54,706 --> 00:22:55,942 - Careful, honey. 729 00:22:56,040 --> 00:22:57,510 If he stole a song from Dakota's dad, 730 00:22:57,609 --> 00:22:59,946 he might try to steal our baby. 731 00:23:00,046 --> 00:23:01,147 - Keep walking, sinner. 732 00:23:01,247 --> 00:23:02,815 We don't need your kind here. 733 00:23:02,915 --> 00:23:04,216 [somber music] 734 00:23:04,316 --> 00:23:06,185 - Thanks for ruining cookies, Tom. 735 00:23:06,285 --> 00:23:09,356 I'll never eat Pepperidge Farm again. 736 00:23:09,454 --> 00:23:10,790 - Feels like a bit much. 737 00:23:10,890 --> 00:23:12,720 ♪ ♪ 738 00:23:12,824 --> 00:23:14,261 [horn honking] - Hey, little man. 739 00:23:14,360 --> 00:23:15,328 - Not a good time. 740 00:23:15,427 --> 00:23:17,530 - You look abnormally depressed. 741 00:23:17,629 --> 00:23:18,798 - I messed up big time. 742 00:23:18,897 --> 00:23:20,300 My life is over. - What happened? 743 00:23:20,399 --> 00:23:22,702 Pubes not coming in in a timely fashion? 744 00:23:22,800 --> 00:23:24,371 - Nothing to do with pubes. 745 00:23:24,468 --> 00:23:26,606 I stole someone's song and sold it to Pepperidge Farm. 746 00:23:26,699 --> 00:23:28,641 - Hmm. - I insulted my bandmates. 747 00:23:28,735 --> 00:23:30,577 - Uh-huh. - I told Mr. B to suck a D. 748 00:23:30,675 --> 00:23:33,045 It turns out D means penis. No one told me that. 749 00:23:33,144 --> 00:23:35,682 - It does. D means peen. - Oh, it's a disaster. 750 00:23:35,780 --> 00:23:37,216 - You know what? Go easy on yourself. 751 00:23:37,315 --> 00:23:39,085 We all do messed-up things. - What do you mean? 752 00:23:39,184 --> 00:23:41,554 You've done stuff like that? - Yes. 753 00:23:41,653 --> 00:23:43,022 I shortchange kids all the time 754 00:23:43,120 --> 00:23:44,391 if I think they can't count. - That's awful. 755 00:23:44,490 --> 00:23:46,226 - I abandoned by fiancée at the altar. 756 00:23:46,325 --> 00:23:47,994 - I remember that. - Oh, yeah. 757 00:23:48,092 --> 00:23:49,862 And I've nailed about half the moms on this block. 758 00:23:49,961 --> 00:23:51,664 - You've nailed half the moms? - Yeah. 759 00:23:51,758 --> 00:23:53,233 That doesn't make me a bad person. 760 00:23:53,330 --> 00:23:55,368 - Kind of. A little bit. - Not if you say you're sorry. 761 00:23:55,467 --> 00:23:56,869 - That's it? You just say sorry? 762 00:23:56,969 --> 00:23:58,204 - Mm-hmm. Magic words. 763 00:23:58,303 --> 00:23:59,706 - Just say sorry. That's amazing. 764 00:23:59,805 --> 00:24:01,107 You know, thank you, ice cream man. 765 00:24:01,206 --> 00:24:02,509 You're a--you're actually a pretty good guy. 766 00:24:02,608 --> 00:24:04,377 - I'm really not, but I'm glad I could help. 767 00:24:04,476 --> 00:24:06,145 - Wait, have you been shortchanging me? 768 00:24:06,243 --> 00:24:07,480 I have a bad feeling you've been shortchanging me. 769 00:24:07,579 --> 00:24:09,148 - Never. I would never do that. - Never. 770 00:24:09,247 --> 00:24:11,651 - Nor would I nail your mom. 771 00:24:11,749 --> 00:24:14,354 [dramatic music] 772 00:24:14,453 --> 00:24:15,688 ♪ ♪ 773 00:24:15,787 --> 00:24:18,024 - Hey, Tom, what's up, man? What you doing here? 774 00:24:18,123 --> 00:24:19,426 I thought you was banned from the band. 775 00:24:19,524 --> 00:24:21,261 - I am. Listen. I'm gonna storm the stage 776 00:24:21,360 --> 00:24:23,263 and do a Kanye-style mic grab. - Now? 777 00:24:23,362 --> 00:24:25,064 - Yeah. I need to say sorry to everyone. 778 00:24:25,163 --> 00:24:26,999 - Okay, okay, that's great. What are you gonna say? 779 00:24:27,098 --> 00:24:29,035 - "Sorry, everyone." - What? That's it? 780 00:24:29,133 --> 00:24:30,770 You gonna storm the stage, say sorry to everyone, 781 00:24:30,869 --> 00:24:32,138 and then sit back down? 782 00:24:32,236 --> 00:24:33,640 - I didn't really think it through. Yeah. 783 00:24:33,739 --> 00:24:35,207 - Tom, you need to run this stuff by me first. 784 00:24:35,307 --> 00:24:36,843 Public apologies are a art form these days. 785 00:24:36,936 --> 00:24:38,044 - Oh, well, let's write something quickly. 786 00:24:38,143 --> 00:24:39,446 I gotta go up in three minutes. 787 00:24:39,544 --> 00:24:41,080 - Here we go. "Heartfelt apologies." 788 00:24:41,180 --> 00:24:42,949 3 million results. - Oh, wow. 789 00:24:43,048 --> 00:24:44,884 That does sound better than just saying sorry. 790 00:24:44,983 --> 00:24:46,118 - You're welcome. - What are you doing here, 791 00:24:46,218 --> 00:24:47,254 by the way? - Oh. 792 00:24:47,352 --> 00:24:48,788 Man, I bootleg the performances 793 00:24:48,887 --> 00:24:50,790 and sell 'em back to the parents for $9. 794 00:24:50,888 --> 00:24:52,259 - Not your best side hustle. 795 00:24:52,356 --> 00:24:54,327 - I know, I know, Tom, but I gotta keep busy. 796 00:24:54,426 --> 00:24:57,196 - You know, when I asked your children 797 00:24:57,295 --> 00:25:01,568 what they wanted to play, they all said, and in unison, 798 00:25:01,667 --> 00:25:03,470 "Igor Stravinsky." 799 00:25:03,569 --> 00:25:05,104 Now--oh. - Mr. B, listen. 800 00:25:05,203 --> 00:25:06,973 I'm gonna let you finish. I just want to say a few words. 801 00:25:07,071 --> 00:25:09,141 - Dear Lord. This can't be happening. 802 00:25:09,241 --> 00:25:11,010 - I'd like to issue a formal apology. 803 00:25:11,110 --> 00:25:12,512 Dakota, new bassoon kid, 804 00:25:12,611 --> 00:25:14,647 can you give me something gentle to talk over? 805 00:25:14,746 --> 00:25:16,082 [soft music playing] 806 00:25:16,182 --> 00:25:17,584 That's nice. Thank you. 807 00:25:17,682 --> 00:25:20,753 Friends, teachers, janitor, 808 00:25:20,852 --> 00:25:23,956 I'll spend the rest of my life trying to earn back trust 809 00:25:24,056 --> 00:25:25,592 and apologize to people. 810 00:25:25,690 --> 00:25:27,327 I'm definitely embarrassed. 811 00:25:27,424 --> 00:25:30,463 Listen, that was the last time I won the Tour de France-- 812 00:25:30,562 --> 00:25:34,033 - Wait, are you reading Lance Armstrong's apology? 813 00:25:34,132 --> 00:25:35,568 - No, I don't believe so. 814 00:25:35,667 --> 00:25:38,104 - Then why are you talking about the Tour de France? 815 00:25:38,202 --> 00:25:39,539 - Oh, you know what? That was the wrong one. 816 00:25:39,638 --> 00:25:41,341 All right, here we go. Here's what I wrote. 817 00:25:41,439 --> 00:25:44,977 I wish I had the chance to live those few moments again, 818 00:25:45,076 --> 00:25:46,846 but I have told Rihanna countless times-- 819 00:25:46,945 --> 00:25:49,081 - No, that's Chris Brown's apology. 820 00:25:49,180 --> 00:25:51,251 - Chris who? What? - That's not yours. 821 00:25:51,350 --> 00:25:53,320 Why are you apologizing to Rihanna? 822 00:25:53,418 --> 00:25:55,255 - I don't know. That's what's on the phone. 823 00:25:55,353 --> 00:25:57,957 - Oh, now you're just ripping off apology speeches? 824 00:25:58,056 --> 00:25:59,559 The nerve of this kid! [crowd booing] 825 00:25:59,658 --> 00:26:01,228 - No, no, don't boo. - Get off the stage! 826 00:26:01,326 --> 00:26:03,796 - Band, let us play Tom off 827 00:26:03,895 --> 00:26:07,400 with "Don Juan's Descent Into Hell." 828 00:26:07,499 --> 00:26:09,436 - No, let's keep it snappy. Let's keep it upbeat. 829 00:26:09,534 --> 00:26:11,070 All right, Nelson, stop filming. 830 00:26:11,169 --> 00:26:13,072 No one wants to see this. - This gon' be good. 831 00:26:13,171 --> 00:26:15,375 I might have to charge $12 for this one. 832 00:26:15,474 --> 00:26:17,209 - ♪ Remember there's more road ♪ 833 00:26:17,309 --> 00:26:19,279 ♪ And places to go ♪ 834 00:26:19,378 --> 00:26:21,381 ♪ Patterns to contemplate ♪ 835 00:26:21,480 --> 00:26:23,350 ♪ More people to fornicate ♪ 836 00:26:23,448 --> 00:26:26,353 ♪ And remember there's a lot of good omens ♪ 837 00:26:26,452 --> 00:26:28,187 ♪ Supplying the proof ♪ 838 00:26:28,286 --> 00:26:31,724 ♪ That our life is the best joke ever told ♪ 839 00:26:31,823 --> 00:26:35,695 ♪ Remember it's a joke and leave it alone ♪ 840 00:26:35,793 --> 00:26:39,866 ♪ Let go and try to be always abiding ♪ 841 00:26:39,964 --> 00:26:44,136 ♪ Remember if there's one good reason for dying ♪ 842 00:26:44,236 --> 00:26:46,072 ♪ The sweet silver lining ♪ 843 00:26:46,171 --> 00:26:48,375 ♪ Through you she lives on ♪ 844 00:26:48,467 --> 00:26:52,279 ♪ And therein lies a truth we can sip when we want ♪ 845 00:26:52,376 --> 00:26:56,516 ♪ Disciples of the flow, we can float anywhere ♪ 846 00:26:56,614 --> 00:26:58,184 ♪ If ever there's a drought ♪ 847 00:26:58,283 --> 00:27:00,353 ♪ I've listed the puddles ♪