1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:03,812 - ♪ Now as our poor young lungs deflate ♪ 2 00:00:03,911 --> 00:00:07,782 ♪ I'll admit I've gotten older ♪ 3 00:00:07,876 --> 00:00:13,588 ♪ Mellowed out, chatting up those I used to hate ♪ 4 00:00:13,687 --> 00:00:15,790 ♪ ♪ 5 00:00:15,889 --> 00:00:20,562 ♪ The feeling that we're lost will always fade ♪ 6 00:00:20,660 --> 00:00:24,599 ♪ I present no explanations ♪ 7 00:00:24,698 --> 00:00:28,337 ♪ Can't expect our tired patience ♪ 8 00:00:28,436 --> 00:00:32,374 ♪ To satiate for long ♪ 9 00:00:32,472 --> 00:00:36,378 ♪ And therein lies a truth we can sip when we want ♪ 10 00:00:36,476 --> 00:00:41,049 ♪ Disciples of the flow, we can float anywhere ♪ 11 00:00:42,882 --> 00:00:45,387 - Okay, Tom, what's left on our list? 12 00:00:45,485 --> 00:00:47,322 - Uh, Doritos, candy, 13 00:00:47,421 --> 00:00:49,491 Pop-Tarts, Chips Ahoy! 14 00:00:49,589 --> 00:00:50,825 And then it says, "Grab some salad 15 00:00:50,924 --> 00:00:52,394 so you don't look like a bad mom." 16 00:00:52,493 --> 00:00:53,862 - Okay, you sit tight right here. 17 00:00:53,960 --> 00:00:55,364 I'm just gonna go grab a few pieces of lettuce. 18 00:00:55,462 --> 00:00:57,165 - All right, just grab a-- 19 00:00:57,264 --> 00:00:58,567 grab a slice of lettuce. 20 00:00:58,666 --> 00:01:00,134 - Hey, there, big boy. - "Big boy"? 21 00:01:00,233 --> 00:01:01,936 You talking to me? - Yeah, you're a little big 22 00:01:02,035 --> 00:01:03,872 to be riding in that cart, don't you think? 23 00:01:03,970 --> 00:01:05,940 - Big? Nah, standard kid size. 24 00:01:06,039 --> 00:01:07,376 - Listen, I'm just trying to help, 25 00:01:07,475 --> 00:01:09,344 but you look like an absolute idiot 26 00:01:09,443 --> 00:01:10,545 sucking on that juice box. 27 00:01:10,644 --> 00:01:12,080 - I don't know how that helps me 28 00:01:12,178 --> 00:01:14,082 in my day-to-day life. - Listen, life moves fast. 29 00:01:14,180 --> 00:01:15,717 One minute, you're playing little league. 30 00:01:15,816 --> 00:01:17,886 Next, you're smoke weed, you're nailing chicks. 31 00:01:17,985 --> 00:01:19,688 - I'm not nailing anyone. I'm ten years old. 32 00:01:19,787 --> 00:01:21,923 - I'm just saying, I want you to hop out of the cart 33 00:01:22,023 --> 00:01:23,425 and just push it. 34 00:01:23,523 --> 00:01:25,294 - No, my mom told me you have to have a license for that. 35 00:01:25,391 --> 00:01:27,829 - Well, people have been lying to you your entire life 36 00:01:27,928 --> 00:01:29,431 if that's what they told you. [thud] 37 00:01:29,530 --> 00:01:30,899 - So I've got permission to push the cart? 38 00:01:30,993 --> 00:01:32,867 - Absolutely. 39 00:01:32,966 --> 00:01:34,703 - This is shockingly easy. - Yeah. 40 00:01:34,796 --> 00:01:36,571 - Yeah, I could've started doing this when I was five. 41 00:01:36,670 --> 00:01:39,408 - Absolutely. Get out there and be somebody. 42 00:01:39,506 --> 00:01:41,009 - Manager, check this out. No hands. 43 00:01:41,108 --> 00:01:44,012 - Hell, yeah, break out of the handcuffs of youth 44 00:01:44,106 --> 00:01:45,246 and push that cart. 45 00:01:45,346 --> 00:01:46,381 - Whoo! 46 00:01:46,480 --> 00:01:48,383 Oh, no! - [screams] 47 00:01:48,482 --> 00:01:49,751 - Oh, that's not good. 48 00:01:49,850 --> 00:01:54,088 - [moaning dramatically] 49 00:01:54,188 --> 00:01:57,225 Oh, why? 50 00:01:57,323 --> 00:01:59,894 - Is it just me, or is he overdramatizing this? 51 00:01:59,993 --> 00:02:02,397 Hey, there, Nelson. What's the word? 52 00:02:02,491 --> 00:02:04,032 - Listen, whatever's about to go down, 53 00:02:04,131 --> 00:02:05,934 don't let it affect our friendship. 54 00:02:06,033 --> 00:02:07,602 - "Go down"? What does that even mean? 55 00:02:07,701 --> 00:02:09,137 - Tom! - Ah. Nelson's dad? 56 00:02:09,235 --> 00:02:11,072 Why are you on the bus? - You have been served. 57 00:02:11,170 --> 00:02:12,874 - Oh, no. - I'm representing Hector. 58 00:02:12,973 --> 00:02:14,709 We're suing the supermarket. - No. 59 00:02:14,808 --> 00:02:16,044 - We're suing the manager. - Please. 60 00:02:16,143 --> 00:02:17,779 - We're suing the watermelon industry. 61 00:02:17,877 --> 00:02:19,180 - No, you can't sue watermelons. 62 00:02:19,279 --> 00:02:20,510 - And we're suing you. 63 00:02:20,614 --> 00:02:21,783 See you at your deposition, son. 64 00:02:21,882 --> 00:02:22,917 - Nelson, you got to stop this. 65 00:02:23,016 --> 00:02:24,118 I literally did nothing wrong. 66 00:02:24,213 --> 00:02:25,119 - Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa. 67 00:02:25,219 --> 00:02:26,254 I can't discuss it, Tom. 68 00:02:26,348 --> 00:02:27,517 - What's that supposed to mean? 69 00:02:27,621 --> 00:02:28,518 - There's a conflict of interest. 70 00:02:28,622 --> 00:02:29,519 I could get disbarred. 71 00:02:29,623 --> 00:02:30,520 - Disbarred from what? 72 00:02:30,624 --> 00:02:31,793 You're not a lawyer. 73 00:02:31,891 --> 00:02:32,861 - Why don't I move one seat back 74 00:02:32,959 --> 00:02:33,895 until this case is settled? 75 00:02:33,994 --> 00:02:35,163 - Nelson, please, come on. 76 00:02:35,262 --> 00:02:36,365 - Hey, what are we talking about? 77 00:02:36,463 --> 00:02:37,766 - Oh, my God. 78 00:02:37,865 --> 00:02:39,033 - Oh, you got a little pin for your bag. 79 00:02:39,132 --> 00:02:41,035 Oh, that's cool. What is that, a ladybug? 80 00:02:41,835 --> 00:02:43,872 Oh, no. Oh, watermelons. Cart. 81 00:02:43,972 --> 00:02:45,774 Cart. Hector, no. Wait. 82 00:02:45,872 --> 00:02:47,409 Depositions! - Tom! 83 00:02:47,502 --> 00:02:48,810 - Nelson's dad! Please! Oh, no! 84 00:02:48,909 --> 00:02:50,579 Oh, no, a watermelon! - Tom! 85 00:02:50,677 --> 00:02:52,046 - Oh, hey, Ma. - You okay? 86 00:02:52,145 --> 00:02:53,648 - Oh, man, I was having a nightmare. 87 00:02:53,747 --> 00:02:55,517 - Is this about the lawsuit? - It is. 88 00:02:55,616 --> 00:02:58,086 - Look, I don't want you to have any stress around this. 89 00:02:58,184 --> 00:02:59,754 No one can sue us. - What do you mean? 90 00:02:59,853 --> 00:03:01,490 They--they can come after all of our stuff. 91 00:03:01,588 --> 00:03:03,292 - Tom, everything we own is terrible, 92 00:03:03,391 --> 00:03:04,493 and it's worth nothing. 93 00:03:04,591 --> 00:03:05,555 - It is pretty disgusting. 94 00:03:05,659 --> 00:03:06,895 - We're un-suable. 95 00:03:06,993 --> 00:03:08,558 It's one of the perks of being poor. 96 00:03:08,662 --> 00:03:09,631 - Oh, this is great news. 97 00:03:09,729 --> 00:03:10,665 - I invite them 98 00:03:10,764 --> 00:03:11,966 to get aggressive with us. 99 00:03:12,065 --> 00:03:13,502 Have it, dummy. None of it's good. 100 00:03:13,600 --> 00:03:14,836 - Have it, dummy. - Mm-hmm. 101 00:03:14,935 --> 00:03:16,538 - You can have my disgusting backpack 102 00:03:16,636 --> 00:03:18,473 and my mom's nasty clothes. 103 00:03:18,572 --> 00:03:19,874 - Have all my nasty clothes. 104 00:03:19,974 --> 00:03:21,510 Take my culottes, bitch. 105 00:03:21,603 --> 00:03:22,844 - This is great. We don't have anything. 106 00:03:22,943 --> 00:03:24,413 - Take my tank top, honey. 107 00:03:24,510 --> 00:03:26,748 I got five of 'em for a buck. - I feel great now. 108 00:03:26,846 --> 00:03:28,617 I got to say, I'm gonna sleep well tonight. 109 00:03:28,716 --> 00:03:30,118 - Aw. Night-night, kid. 110 00:03:30,217 --> 00:03:32,421 [door closes] 111 00:03:32,519 --> 00:03:33,855 [knock on window] 112 00:03:33,954 --> 00:03:35,156 - Tom, wake up. - What? 113 00:03:35,255 --> 00:03:36,658 - It's the manager from Food Mart. 114 00:03:36,757 --> 00:03:37,992 - What? Get out of my room. 115 00:03:38,091 --> 00:03:39,728 - We got to talk about the lawsuit. 116 00:03:39,821 --> 00:03:41,663 - Oh, no, I'm fine. I'm un-suable, so I'm good. 117 00:03:41,762 --> 00:03:43,332 - You might be good. I'm not good. 118 00:03:43,429 --> 00:03:45,500 If they find out I pressured you to push the cart, 119 00:03:45,599 --> 00:03:46,835 I could be found liable. 120 00:03:46,934 --> 00:03:48,270 And we're friends, so... 121 00:03:48,368 --> 00:03:49,804 - We're not friends. Hey, no. [clattering] 122 00:03:49,903 --> 00:03:51,005 Please don't come in. Don't come in. 123 00:03:51,104 --> 00:03:52,541 Stop. - Look, I'm in your room. 124 00:03:52,634 --> 00:03:53,875 - Stop. - I'm in your room already. 125 00:03:53,974 --> 00:03:55,243 So now we're friends. - Oh, my God. 126 00:03:55,342 --> 00:03:57,045 - I have a small favor to ask. - Okay. 127 00:03:57,143 --> 00:03:58,813 - I need you to change out of your pajamas... 128 00:03:58,912 --> 00:04:00,048 - Stop. - Ride your bike 129 00:04:00,146 --> 00:04:01,950 to the supermarket... - Stop. 130 00:04:02,049 --> 00:04:04,319 - Steal the security tapes, and destroy them in the river. 131 00:04:04,417 --> 00:04:07,121 - Are you okay? - I am not okay, all right? 132 00:04:07,220 --> 00:04:08,857 They won't let me near the security booth. 133 00:04:08,956 --> 00:04:10,191 - Oh, you got to check 134 00:04:10,291 --> 00:04:12,160 into some kind of clinic or something. 135 00:04:12,258 --> 00:04:14,763 - Come on, I'll give your mom free groceries for life. 136 00:04:14,861 --> 00:04:16,626 - That's tempting. It just feels wrong. 137 00:04:16,730 --> 00:04:18,066 - Free mayo-- does that feel wrong? 138 00:04:18,164 --> 00:04:19,868 - You brought them with you? - Canned peaches? 139 00:04:19,967 --> 00:04:21,436 - Oh, my God, canned peaches for free? 140 00:04:21,535 --> 00:04:23,037 - Unlimited deli meats? 141 00:04:23,136 --> 00:04:24,873 - I just can't sneak out of the house. 142 00:04:24,971 --> 00:04:26,875 I can't picture doing it. - Man up, Tom. 143 00:04:26,973 --> 00:04:28,443 If you're old enough to push a cart, 144 00:04:28,542 --> 00:04:31,413 you're old enough to steal some security tapes. 145 00:04:31,512 --> 00:04:32,814 - Thanks for doing this, Randy. 146 00:04:32,913 --> 00:04:34,248 I can't believe you actually agreed. 147 00:04:34,347 --> 00:04:36,050 - Hey, if you need me, I'm here for you, buddy. 148 00:04:36,149 --> 00:04:37,686 - Yeah, I usually go to Nelson for these kind of things, 149 00:04:37,779 --> 00:04:39,253 but he's got a conflict of interest, so... 150 00:04:39,353 --> 00:04:40,589 - Pfft, Nelson? 151 00:04:40,688 --> 00:04:42,357 Nelson is a poor man's Randy. 152 00:04:42,456 --> 00:04:43,725 - You do have a confident demeanor. 153 00:04:43,823 --> 00:04:45,026 So how are we gonna do this? 154 00:04:45,125 --> 00:04:46,127 We got to get in and get the tapes. 155 00:04:46,227 --> 00:04:47,796 Do you have any kind of plan? 156 00:04:47,894 --> 00:04:49,364 - Okay, first, I'm gonna cause a distraction 157 00:04:49,463 --> 00:04:50,565 by going on a racist rant. 158 00:04:50,664 --> 00:04:52,000 - Seems kind of weird. 159 00:04:52,099 --> 00:04:53,635 - And then you enter the security booth, 160 00:04:53,734 --> 00:04:56,137 and you ransack the place to make it look like a robbery. 161 00:04:56,237 --> 00:04:57,806 - What purpose does that serve? 162 00:04:57,904 --> 00:04:59,608 - And if anyone asks where your parents are, 163 00:04:59,701 --> 00:05:01,242 you just say, "No comment, asshole." 164 00:05:01,341 --> 00:05:03,378 - I'm not allowed to swear. Can I say-- 165 00:05:03,477 --> 00:05:04,979 - "No comment, butthole." 166 00:05:05,078 --> 00:05:06,415 - I kind of regret calling you, 167 00:05:06,513 --> 00:05:08,817 but let's just-- let's just hope for the best. 168 00:05:08,917 --> 00:05:11,019 - Uh, excuse me? 169 00:05:11,118 --> 00:05:13,855 Why is this store carrying sauerkraut? 170 00:05:13,954 --> 00:05:16,658 You know who else liked sauerkraut? 171 00:05:16,756 --> 00:05:18,393 A man by the name of Hitler! 172 00:05:18,492 --> 00:05:20,562 - Oh, my God. What is this kid doing? 173 00:05:20,661 --> 00:05:21,930 - Black beans? 174 00:05:22,028 --> 00:05:24,666 Where I come from, they're just beans. 175 00:05:24,765 --> 00:05:27,068 - All right, here we go--tapes, tapes, where are the tapes? 176 00:05:27,167 --> 00:05:28,803 Where are the tapes? Where are the tapes? 177 00:05:28,902 --> 00:05:30,439 Cloud? What the hell's a cloud? 178 00:05:30,536 --> 00:05:33,107 Cloud? No. What's happening? This--this makes no sense. 179 00:05:33,206 --> 00:05:34,943 - Kid, where are your parents anyway? 180 00:05:35,041 --> 00:05:36,411 - My parents? - Yeah, where are they? 181 00:05:36,510 --> 00:05:38,012 - You want to know where my parents are? 182 00:05:38,111 --> 00:05:39,709 Why? 'Cause you want to fuck them? 183 00:05:39,813 --> 00:05:41,182 - What does that even mean? 184 00:05:41,282 --> 00:05:43,318 - All right. Think, Tom. Think, think. 185 00:05:43,416 --> 00:05:45,019 All right, you know what? Let's just destroy it. 186 00:05:45,119 --> 00:05:46,716 Destroy the machine. 187 00:05:49,451 --> 00:05:50,959 That didn't seem to work. 188 00:05:51,058 --> 00:05:52,361 [static whirs] Attention, shoppers. 189 00:05:52,460 --> 00:05:55,997 Will Randy please go to the parking lot? 190 00:05:56,096 --> 00:05:57,566 - Okay. I'm gonna get out of here. 191 00:05:57,665 --> 00:05:58,867 Forget what I said. I-- 192 00:05:58,966 --> 00:06:00,034 You don't want to fuck my parents. 193 00:06:00,134 --> 00:06:01,670 I don't even know why I said that. 194 00:06:01,768 --> 00:06:04,339 That's a crazy thing to say. 195 00:06:04,438 --> 00:06:05,807 - Oh, what a disaster. 196 00:06:05,906 --> 00:06:07,842 - Yeah. Thanks to you, we blew it. 197 00:06:07,936 --> 00:06:09,739 - Oh, you're not smart. You're just not smart. 198 00:06:09,843 --> 00:06:10,979 - I am smart. You're dumb. 199 00:06:11,077 --> 00:06:12,381 - That's your comeback? - [sighs] 200 00:06:12,480 --> 00:06:13,982 Let's just settle up and get out of here. 201 00:06:14,080 --> 00:06:15,745 - "Settle up"? What--what do you mean? 202 00:06:15,849 --> 00:06:17,919 - Pay me. - Oh, this isn't a paid job. 203 00:06:18,017 --> 00:06:19,220 I just called you late at night and said, 204 00:06:19,320 --> 00:06:20,689 "Meet me at the supermarket." 205 00:06:20,788 --> 00:06:22,491 - Oh, so it was a booty call? 206 00:06:22,589 --> 00:06:25,026 - Just childhood high jinks, just fun stuff. 207 00:06:25,125 --> 00:06:27,329 - You think I'm volunteering my time here? 208 00:06:27,428 --> 00:06:28,663 - Oh, yeah, Nelson does this kind of stuff 209 00:06:28,762 --> 00:06:29,664 for free all the time. 210 00:06:29,763 --> 00:06:31,065 - You guys are friends. 211 00:06:31,164 --> 00:06:33,368 I barely know your last name. Pay me. 212 00:06:33,467 --> 00:06:34,936 - All right, fine. Here's the money. 213 00:06:35,034 --> 00:06:36,671 - What is this? Canned peaches? 214 00:06:36,770 --> 00:06:38,540 - All right, you know what? This is not the time to haggle. 215 00:06:38,633 --> 00:06:40,842 Let's get out of here. Go. Run. 216 00:06:40,941 --> 00:06:42,844 [musical scales playing] 217 00:06:42,943 --> 00:06:44,846 ♪ ♪ 218 00:06:44,946 --> 00:06:46,214 - Oh, I'm so stupid. 219 00:06:46,312 --> 00:06:47,916 Why did I break into the supermarket? 220 00:06:48,014 --> 00:06:50,819 - Thomas, might I have the temerity to ask 221 00:06:50,912 --> 00:06:54,188 why you're sweating and mumbling to yourself? 222 00:06:54,287 --> 00:06:56,458 - All right, not today, Mr. B. I'm not in the mood. 223 00:06:56,557 --> 00:06:57,826 I-I've got a lot going on. 224 00:06:57,924 --> 00:07:00,695 - What do you have "going on"? 225 00:07:00,794 --> 00:07:02,264 - I didn't get a lot of sleep. 226 00:07:02,361 --> 00:07:03,932 I'm just not in the mood for the whole Mr. B. schtick. 227 00:07:04,032 --> 00:07:05,300 - "Schtick"? 228 00:07:05,399 --> 00:07:07,902 Young man, I will see you after class. 229 00:07:08,002 --> 00:07:09,338 - I'm sorry. - Wow. 230 00:07:09,431 --> 00:07:10,439 Tom. - What? 231 00:07:10,537 --> 00:07:12,240 - Excuse me? - What do you need? 232 00:07:12,339 --> 00:07:13,775 - Tom, are you feeling all right? 233 00:07:13,874 --> 00:07:15,344 You seem out of character. 234 00:07:15,441 --> 00:07:16,945 - Honestly, Dakota, I know you're trying to help. 235 00:07:17,044 --> 00:07:18,747 Can you just shut up and play your flute? 236 00:07:18,846 --> 00:07:20,515 - I'm gonna give you a pass, Tom, 237 00:07:20,613 --> 00:07:22,751 but that's the last time you're ever gonna tell me to shut up. 238 00:07:22,849 --> 00:07:24,118 Okay? - I apologize for that. 239 00:07:24,217 --> 00:07:26,388 - Yeah, that's a one-and-done on that. 240 00:07:26,487 --> 00:07:28,457 - Excuse me-- quick interruption, 241 00:07:28,555 --> 00:07:31,092 but I need to see Tom in my office now. 242 00:07:31,191 --> 00:07:33,362 - Are you kidding me? 243 00:07:33,460 --> 00:07:34,824 All right, someone put away my bassoon. 244 00:07:34,928 --> 00:07:36,565 I-I can't deal with this right now. 245 00:07:36,662 --> 00:07:39,334 Oh, the last thing I need today is more principal bullshit. 246 00:07:39,433 --> 00:07:40,502 What do you want? 247 00:07:40,600 --> 00:07:42,571 - Close the door and get in here right now. 248 00:07:42,669 --> 00:07:43,772 - Who are you? 249 00:07:43,871 --> 00:07:45,206 What's happening? Are you a cop? 250 00:07:45,305 --> 00:07:46,708 - I'm the one asking the questions, okay? 251 00:07:46,807 --> 00:07:48,543 So sit down and shut up. And, you, get me a coffee. 252 00:07:48,637 --> 00:07:50,011 - Can I see some credentials? 253 00:07:50,109 --> 00:07:51,780 You just came in here, and you put your feet up. 254 00:07:51,879 --> 00:07:53,114 - My credentials? 255 00:07:53,213 --> 00:07:55,350 Here are my credentials right here. 256 00:07:55,449 --> 00:07:57,151 - You pointing at your gun or your badge? 257 00:07:57,250 --> 00:08:00,054 - I'm grabbing my penis, okay? I'm grabbing my penis. 258 00:08:00,153 --> 00:08:01,656 - You're in a grade school, you realize? 259 00:08:01,755 --> 00:08:03,692 - Now, look, we can go back and forth all day, 260 00:08:03,790 --> 00:08:04,759 but I don't have time for this. 261 00:08:04,858 --> 00:08:06,060 I came in here for answers, 262 00:08:06,159 --> 00:08:07,128 and I'm gonna leave with answers. 263 00:08:07,227 --> 00:08:08,229 - Listen, I'm a little kid. 264 00:08:08,329 --> 00:08:09,731 I was pushing a shopping cart. 265 00:08:09,830 --> 00:08:10,732 That's not a crime. 266 00:08:10,831 --> 00:08:12,033 - [laughs] 267 00:08:12,132 --> 00:08:13,402 You want to know what is a crime, Tom? 268 00:08:13,500 --> 00:08:15,537 - Okay? - Defacing security equipment 269 00:08:15,636 --> 00:08:18,206 with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. 270 00:08:18,305 --> 00:08:19,274 Bam! 271 00:08:19,373 --> 00:08:21,009 - I actually don't think it is, but-- 272 00:08:21,109 --> 00:08:22,611 - No, I don't think so either. 273 00:08:22,710 --> 00:08:24,446 - Here's what we're gonna do. I'm gonna be in touch. 274 00:08:24,544 --> 00:08:26,014 But until I do, 275 00:08:26,107 --> 00:08:30,184 do not step foot out of the state of New Jersey. 276 00:08:30,284 --> 00:08:31,453 Capisce? 277 00:08:31,551 --> 00:08:33,922 - I don't speak Italian, so... - I don't either. 278 00:08:34,021 --> 00:08:36,124 I think it means, "Do you understand?" 279 00:08:36,223 --> 00:08:37,392 - Wait, you're not strapping me 280 00:08:37,491 --> 00:08:38,860 to the front of the bus, are you? 281 00:08:38,958 --> 00:08:40,329 - Hector, I'm a licensed bus driver. 282 00:08:40,427 --> 00:08:42,063 I know what I'm doing, man. - No, no, no, no. 283 00:08:42,162 --> 00:08:43,665 No, stop it. This is not safe. 284 00:08:43,765 --> 00:08:44,799 - It's fine. 285 00:08:44,899 --> 00:08:46,200 - Tom, great news. 286 00:08:46,299 --> 00:08:47,636 - I thought we can't talk. What's happening? 287 00:08:47,734 --> 00:08:49,504 - Turns out that the attorney-client privileges 288 00:08:49,603 --> 00:08:51,873 don't even apply to the son of an attorney. 289 00:08:51,972 --> 00:08:53,241 - I didn't think that made sense. 290 00:08:53,340 --> 00:08:54,276 - Lean in. I got something to tell you. 291 00:08:54,375 --> 00:08:55,544 Here. - What's up? 292 00:08:55,642 --> 00:08:57,045 - I really got reason to believe 293 00:08:57,144 --> 00:08:58,513 that Hector is not really injured. 294 00:08:58,612 --> 00:09:00,282 - Wait, what? - My dad took his deposition. 295 00:09:00,380 --> 00:09:02,517 And he was bouncing on a trampoline, 296 00:09:02,616 --> 00:09:04,018 saying, "I'm rich." 297 00:09:04,112 --> 00:09:05,186 - For no reason, he was bouncing on a trampoline? 298 00:09:05,286 --> 00:09:06,855 - Yep, rapping that "I'm rich." 299 00:09:06,953 --> 00:09:08,623 - Rapping? - Rapping "I'm rich." 300 00:09:08,722 --> 00:09:10,292 - That's crazy! That's insurance fraud! 301 00:09:10,391 --> 00:09:11,893 - Look, if you can get him on tape 302 00:09:11,992 --> 00:09:15,096 admitting insurance fraud, this whole case goes away. 303 00:09:15,195 --> 00:09:16,265 - All right, let's do this. 304 00:09:16,363 --> 00:09:17,766 Make arrangements to meet the cop. 305 00:09:17,865 --> 00:09:20,502 Just get all the equipment and the scheduling, 306 00:09:20,595 --> 00:09:22,036 and I'll just show up. 307 00:09:22,135 --> 00:09:24,038 - Tom, you really need to start paying me for these things. 308 00:09:24,137 --> 00:09:25,407 - I'm not sure what Randy told you, 309 00:09:25,505 --> 00:09:27,809 but I literally paid him in canned peaches. 310 00:09:27,909 --> 00:09:29,177 - All right, here we go. 311 00:09:29,275 --> 00:09:30,679 I'm glad you decided to cooperate, kid. 312 00:09:30,777 --> 00:09:32,547 If Hector's lying, this whole case goes away. 313 00:09:32,646 --> 00:09:34,683 - So what do we have to do? We have to record his voice? 314 00:09:34,776 --> 00:09:36,250 - I'm gonna hardwire you, okay? 315 00:09:36,350 --> 00:09:37,719 It's gonna go under your shirt. 316 00:09:37,818 --> 00:09:39,688 It's gonna run along your side 317 00:09:39,787 --> 00:09:41,255 and down the leg of your pant. 318 00:09:41,355 --> 00:09:42,924 - Why? - Okay, I'm sorry. 319 00:09:43,022 --> 00:09:44,125 Who is this guy? - He's Nelson. 320 00:09:44,224 --> 00:09:45,794 He's my friend/fixer. 321 00:09:45,893 --> 00:09:47,261 - It's like a unpaid position. 322 00:09:47,360 --> 00:09:48,897 - Okay, well, here's what I need you to do. 323 00:09:48,995 --> 00:09:51,065 I need you to pipe down because what I'm talking about 324 00:09:51,165 --> 00:09:52,534 is very complex stuff, okay? 325 00:09:52,632 --> 00:09:54,369 - Is it? That's, like, a lot of wire. 326 00:09:54,468 --> 00:09:56,004 Why don't we just use my burner phone? 327 00:09:56,103 --> 00:09:57,506 - Tom, who's in charge here, okay? 328 00:09:57,605 --> 00:09:59,708 Is it this Nelson kid, or is it me? 329 00:09:59,806 --> 00:10:02,477 - I want to say you, but I don't feel like you are. 330 00:10:02,576 --> 00:10:04,212 I think let's go with Nelson's idea. 331 00:10:04,311 --> 00:10:05,347 - No disrespect. - Yeah. 332 00:10:05,446 --> 00:10:06,648 Let's go with the burner phone. 333 00:10:06,747 --> 00:10:07,977 It's just smarter on multiple levels. 334 00:10:08,082 --> 00:10:09,017 All right, let's do it. 335 00:10:09,116 --> 00:10:10,980 - ♪ I'm rich, I'm rich ♪ 336 00:10:11,084 --> 00:10:12,982 ♪ And watermelons are my bitch ♪ 337 00:10:13,087 --> 00:10:14,823 ♪ Hector, Hector ♪ 338 00:10:14,921 --> 00:10:16,124 ♪ Motherfucking Hector ♪ 339 00:10:16,223 --> 00:10:17,726 - Hector, I hear you rapping in there. 340 00:10:17,824 --> 00:10:19,428 Come on, open up. It's me. 341 00:10:19,525 --> 00:10:21,830 Hey, Hector. Hey, I'm glad to see you're doing better. 342 00:10:21,928 --> 00:10:24,399 - I'm not doing better. I might have brain damage. 343 00:10:24,498 --> 00:10:26,134 - Brain damage from watermelons? 344 00:10:26,227 --> 00:10:28,202 - Those are heavy, and they're filled with water. 345 00:10:28,301 --> 00:10:30,372 - You're not really hurt. Come on, you could tell Tom. 346 00:10:30,471 --> 00:10:32,106 - Why are you get-- what are you doing? 347 00:10:32,200 --> 00:10:35,477 - You can say, "I've been faking my injuries." 348 00:10:35,576 --> 00:10:37,379 - What are you talk-- why are you close to me? 349 00:10:37,477 --> 00:10:39,581 - What do you mean why? I'm close to you as a friend. 350 00:10:39,679 --> 00:10:41,082 - Are you recording me right now? 351 00:10:41,181 --> 00:10:42,317 - What are you doing? Don't frisk. 352 00:10:42,416 --> 00:10:43,685 Don't frisk me. - No, no, no. 353 00:10:43,783 --> 00:10:45,487 You got something. - Stop frisking me. Hey. 354 00:10:45,585 --> 00:10:46,921 - Ha. Wow. 355 00:10:47,020 --> 00:10:48,423 Tom, I hate to break it to you, 356 00:10:48,522 --> 00:10:50,859 but you're not the guy who records me. 357 00:10:50,957 --> 00:10:53,428 I'm the guy who records you. 358 00:10:53,527 --> 00:10:55,063 - What does that even mean? 359 00:10:55,156 --> 00:10:57,332 - Nelson's dad planted a wire in your backpack 360 00:10:57,431 --> 00:10:59,067 the other day, so we know it all. 361 00:10:59,166 --> 00:11:00,535 - Oh, no. - The collusion, 362 00:11:00,634 --> 00:11:02,837 the bribes, the cop pointing to his penis-- 363 00:11:02,936 --> 00:11:04,773 we know all that stuff. - All right, you know what? 364 00:11:04,872 --> 00:11:06,375 I got to go. This conversation never happened. 365 00:11:06,474 --> 00:11:08,410 - Oh, no, it did, and we recorded it. 366 00:11:08,508 --> 00:11:09,978 - I'll deny it. I'll deny everything. 367 00:11:10,077 --> 00:11:11,145 - We recorded that, too. 368 00:11:11,245 --> 00:11:13,214 Ah, you don't understand anything. 369 00:11:13,314 --> 00:11:16,184 - All right, I got to go. - Bye. 370 00:11:16,284 --> 00:11:17,686 - [bangs on van] 371 00:11:17,784 --> 00:11:20,221 - Yo, Tom, how did it go? - Not good, Nelson. 372 00:11:20,319 --> 00:11:22,524 Your dad planted a bug on my backpack? 373 00:11:22,622 --> 00:11:24,192 - You know what? Now that I think about it, 374 00:11:24,290 --> 00:11:26,055 this feel like a conflict of interest after all. 375 00:11:26,160 --> 00:11:28,162 Why don't I recuse myself? 376 00:11:28,261 --> 00:11:30,465 - He's riding away. - This is not good. 377 00:11:30,564 --> 00:11:33,902 Get in the van, Tom. [engine turning over] 378 00:11:34,001 --> 00:11:35,604 This is a nightmare! 379 00:11:35,703 --> 00:11:37,572 They've been recording you? - All right, slow down. 380 00:11:37,671 --> 00:11:39,007 Why do you care? You're a cop. 381 00:11:39,105 --> 00:11:40,942 - I'm not a cop, Tom. - What? 382 00:11:41,041 --> 00:11:45,680 - I am a junior insurance claim adjuster's assistant for GEICO. 383 00:11:45,779 --> 00:11:48,417 - Oh, my God, you came into my school with a gun 384 00:11:48,515 --> 00:11:49,684 and pointing at your penis. 385 00:11:49,783 --> 00:11:51,152 - My job is boring, okay? 386 00:11:51,251 --> 00:11:52,521 I like to try to spice it up 387 00:11:52,619 --> 00:11:54,323 with some little stuff here and there. 388 00:11:54,421 --> 00:11:56,425 - We got to call GEICO. - Tom, you don't call GEICO. 389 00:11:56,523 --> 00:11:57,992 If they were to find out I was doing stakeouts 390 00:11:58,091 --> 00:12:01,630 and grilling kids at grade schools, I'm done, Tom. 391 00:12:01,729 --> 00:12:04,065 - We got to call the principal, my mom, or GEICO. 392 00:12:04,165 --> 00:12:05,467 - No. - We got to call someone. 393 00:12:05,566 --> 00:12:07,001 - We have one option and one option only. 394 00:12:07,101 --> 00:12:08,403 We flee the state. 395 00:12:08,502 --> 00:12:10,038 We live in the van until the heat dies down. 396 00:12:10,137 --> 00:12:11,373 - I'm not living in a van with you. 397 00:12:11,472 --> 00:12:12,807 - Fine. I'm gonna let you off here. 398 00:12:12,906 --> 00:12:14,476 Just do one of those drop-and-roll things. 399 00:12:14,574 --> 00:12:16,177 I can't have the license plate caught on camera. 400 00:12:16,276 --> 00:12:17,546 - You want me to jump out of a moving van? 401 00:12:17,645 --> 00:12:19,481 - I'm not gonna stop the van. 402 00:12:19,580 --> 00:12:21,249 - No, you got to slow it down. - I'm not. 403 00:12:21,349 --> 00:12:22,884 - I'm gonna kill myself. I'm gonna die. 404 00:12:22,983 --> 00:12:25,354 - I'm not gonna stop, Tom. - You got a lot of problems. 405 00:12:25,452 --> 00:12:27,188 You got a lot of issues to sort through. 406 00:12:27,288 --> 00:12:29,891 - I'm not gonna dispute that, Tom. 407 00:12:29,991 --> 00:12:31,726 [body thuds] 408 00:12:31,826 --> 00:12:33,161 [door chimes] 409 00:12:33,254 --> 00:12:35,364 Oh, we got problems. We got problems, Manager. 410 00:12:35,462 --> 00:12:37,126 They know it all-- the collusion, the bribes. 411 00:12:37,231 --> 00:12:38,533 We got to run. - Tom. 412 00:12:38,632 --> 00:12:40,068 - We got to get out of here. - Calm down. 413 00:12:40,161 --> 00:12:41,870 - We got to skip town. - Tom, relax. 414 00:12:41,968 --> 00:12:43,738 They settled the case, Tom. 415 00:12:43,837 --> 00:12:46,040 - Settled the case? What does that mean? 416 00:12:46,139 --> 00:12:47,409 - Corporate just called and said, 417 00:12:47,508 --> 00:12:48,710 "We couldn't care less about the 40K. 418 00:12:48,809 --> 00:12:50,345 Just pay the kid and be done with it." 419 00:12:50,444 --> 00:12:51,913 - That's amazing. - Got a bottle of champagne 420 00:12:52,011 --> 00:12:54,583 to celebrate right here. - Oh, I obviously can't drink. 421 00:12:54,682 --> 00:12:56,145 - What? In some cultures, 422 00:12:56,250 --> 00:12:57,486 you're old enough to get married. 423 00:12:57,584 --> 00:12:59,388 - Very few, very few cultures. 424 00:12:59,487 --> 00:13:00,855 - Tom, if you're enough to push a cart, 425 00:13:00,954 --> 00:13:02,324 you're old enough to party. - All right. 426 00:13:02,422 --> 00:13:03,592 As long as you're signing off on it. 427 00:13:03,690 --> 00:13:05,894 [grunts] Oh, wow, this is not easy. 428 00:13:05,993 --> 00:13:07,156 [grunting] 429 00:13:07,261 --> 00:13:08,663 Here, hold me. Hold my shoulders. 430 00:13:08,762 --> 00:13:10,732 - All right. I'll put one foot on your back. 431 00:13:10,831 --> 00:13:13,101 - Come on, get out. Go, go. 432 00:13:13,200 --> 00:13:15,103 [cork pops, thuds] - My eye! 433 00:13:15,202 --> 00:13:16,905 - Oh, no! - Aah! 434 00:13:17,004 --> 00:13:20,442 I came to pick up my check, and now I'm blind. 435 00:13:20,541 --> 00:13:23,778 Who did this? Is anybody gonna help me? 436 00:13:23,872 --> 00:13:25,347 - Oh, God, this is bad. 437 00:13:25,439 --> 00:13:28,116 Negligence, underage drinking. - All right, listen. 438 00:13:28,215 --> 00:13:29,178 I won't tell anyone you encouraged 439 00:13:29,283 --> 00:13:30,552 the underage drinking. 440 00:13:30,650 --> 00:13:31,686 Just keep that mayo and canned peaches 441 00:13:31,785 --> 00:13:33,087 coming our way. - Deal. 442 00:13:33,187 --> 00:13:34,289 Now get the hell out of here. 443 00:13:34,388 --> 00:13:36,358 [door chimes] 444 00:13:36,456 --> 00:13:38,427 - Too--too many crimes, Tom, too many crimes. 445 00:13:38,525 --> 00:13:40,895 - Does he know that we're recording all of this? 446 00:13:40,994 --> 00:13:43,432 - He's just not good at this stuff the way I am, Dad. 447 00:13:43,531 --> 00:13:44,999 - I never should have lied to the cop. 448 00:13:45,098 --> 00:13:46,435 Once he pointed to his penis, 449 00:13:46,533 --> 00:13:48,303 I should have gotten out of there. 450 00:13:48,402 --> 00:13:51,306 [rock music] 451 00:13:51,405 --> 00:13:54,543 [distant siren wailing] 452 00:13:54,641 --> 00:13:57,779 - Hey, Dakota's Dad, thanks again for doing my taxes. 453 00:13:57,879 --> 00:13:58,713 - No problem. 454 00:13:58,812 --> 00:14:00,315 My wife dislikes you intensely, 455 00:14:00,414 --> 00:14:02,584 so this is like a small victory for me. 456 00:14:02,683 --> 00:14:04,213 - Dislikes me or my--or my mom? 457 00:14:04,317 --> 00:14:06,888 - Eh, a little from column A, a little from column B. 458 00:14:06,986 --> 00:14:11,760 Let me ask you, how comfortable are you with some mild lying? 459 00:14:11,858 --> 00:14:14,028 - I would describe my comfort level 460 00:14:14,128 --> 00:14:16,398 as high to extremely high. 461 00:14:16,496 --> 00:14:17,866 - Mom. - Good. 462 00:14:17,964 --> 00:14:20,502 Because I'd like to claim Tom's backpack 463 00:14:20,600 --> 00:14:22,371 as a business expense. 464 00:14:22,469 --> 00:14:23,638 - What did it cost? - Nothing. 465 00:14:23,737 --> 00:14:24,973 It was a gift from my grandma. 466 00:14:25,072 --> 00:14:26,608 - Just put down 1,000 bucks. 467 00:14:26,707 --> 00:14:28,142 - 1,000? No, Mom, please. 468 00:14:28,241 --> 00:14:29,678 What are you writing down? Don't write that down. 469 00:14:29,777 --> 00:14:32,213 - And the ice-cream truck Tom sank, 470 00:14:32,313 --> 00:14:35,083 that sounds like a capital-gains loss. 471 00:14:35,181 --> 00:14:37,852 - True that. Put her down. - Well, that you can't say, 472 00:14:37,951 --> 00:14:39,388 'cause we literally never owned it. 473 00:14:39,486 --> 00:14:41,155 - I have a question-- if my husband 474 00:14:41,249 --> 00:14:42,757 is nailing a masseuse in Myrtle Beach, 475 00:14:42,856 --> 00:14:45,193 can I claim her as a dependent? - Oh, my God. 476 00:14:45,292 --> 00:14:46,528 - Why not? - What? 477 00:14:46,627 --> 00:14:47,696 - If she's sucking your dad's wiener, 478 00:14:47,795 --> 00:14:49,498 she's draining your finances. 479 00:14:49,597 --> 00:14:51,433 - Why are we even saying the word "wiener" in this room? 480 00:14:51,532 --> 00:14:53,201 - Tom, it's a repeating expense. 481 00:14:53,300 --> 00:14:54,603 We got to claim it. 482 00:14:54,702 --> 00:14:55,904 - I got to put my foot down. You got to stop. 483 00:14:56,003 --> 00:14:57,306 Unplug the computer. Do something. 484 00:14:57,405 --> 00:14:58,840 [rattling] Ouch. 485 00:14:58,938 --> 00:15:00,542 - Tom, who's the accountant here? 486 00:15:00,641 --> 00:15:02,110 Me or you? - I guess you. 487 00:15:02,204 --> 00:15:04,579 - Exactly. Now, take my laptop 488 00:15:04,678 --> 00:15:08,550 and go watching "Finding Dory" or some other kid shit. 489 00:15:08,649 --> 00:15:09,884 - I knew this would be awkward. 490 00:15:09,983 --> 00:15:11,953 This is just taking it to another level. 491 00:15:13,687 --> 00:15:15,657 Okay, "Finding Dory." 492 00:15:15,756 --> 00:15:17,392 Which folder am I looking in? 493 00:15:17,491 --> 00:15:19,694 "Personal," "Travel," 494 00:15:19,793 --> 00:15:22,631 "Church Bullshit," "Wife Nonsense"... 495 00:15:22,730 --> 00:15:25,295 Oh, "Dakota's Dad's Movies." All right, there we go. 496 00:15:25,398 --> 00:15:28,870 - Oh, hello, sexy stepson. - Hello, sexy stepmom. 497 00:15:28,969 --> 00:15:30,805 - That's weird. I thought it was animated. 498 00:15:30,904 --> 00:15:32,474 - May I come in? - Yes. 499 00:15:32,572 --> 00:15:33,942 - Where are all the fish? What's going on here? 500 00:15:34,041 --> 00:15:36,545 - I love your Eastern European boobs. 501 00:15:36,643 --> 00:15:37,946 - I will shake them for you. 502 00:15:38,044 --> 00:15:39,381 - Why is this guy taking off his pants? 503 00:15:39,480 --> 00:15:40,849 - Ooh, so forbidden. 504 00:15:40,947 --> 00:15:43,051 - Oh, this is so wrong but so right. 505 00:15:43,149 --> 00:15:45,754 - Boobs? Wait! Oh, no! Oh, don't look! Forbidden! 506 00:15:45,853 --> 00:15:48,490 Where's the volume? Stop! - Sexy stepmother! Yes! 507 00:15:48,589 --> 00:15:50,492 - Yes, my son by marriage! [line trilling] 508 00:15:50,590 --> 00:15:52,494 Yes! - Hey, oh, Nelson here. 509 00:15:52,593 --> 00:15:54,062 - Nelson, I got a problem. - "Problem"? 510 00:15:54,160 --> 00:15:55,664 Man, you got to call my burner phone for problems. 511 00:15:55,762 --> 00:15:57,131 - It can't wait. I borrowed a laptop. 512 00:15:57,231 --> 00:15:58,467 I think I opened a dirty movie. 513 00:15:58,565 --> 00:15:59,901 - You think? - I'm seeing boobs. 514 00:16:00,000 --> 00:16:01,836 I'm seeing rear ends. - All right, Tom. 515 00:16:01,935 --> 00:16:03,805 All right, I need you to empty the browser cache. 516 00:16:03,904 --> 00:16:06,174 - What's a browser? - Clear the history. 517 00:16:06,268 --> 00:16:07,476 - Nelson, I'm not a computer guy. 518 00:16:07,575 --> 00:16:08,677 You know that. - Okay, Tom, look-- 519 00:16:08,775 --> 00:16:10,211 - Why do you sound so relaxed? 520 00:16:10,311 --> 00:16:11,580 Are you on a hammock right now? 521 00:16:11,678 --> 00:16:13,081 - I am on a hammock, but look-- 522 00:16:13,180 --> 00:16:14,516 - Get off the hammock. - All right. All right. 523 00:16:14,615 --> 00:16:15,917 All right. I'm off the hammock now. 524 00:16:16,016 --> 00:16:17,519 - No, you're not. You're useless. 525 00:16:17,618 --> 00:16:19,020 I'm hanging up. - Take a screenshot! 526 00:16:19,119 --> 00:16:22,190 - [groaning] - Stop playing filthy things! 527 00:16:22,289 --> 00:16:23,458 [laptop whirs] 528 00:16:23,557 --> 00:16:25,259 That sounded good. 529 00:16:25,359 --> 00:16:26,861 The movie went away. 530 00:16:26,960 --> 00:16:29,931 - Inheritance tax is a tricky area, 531 00:16:30,030 --> 00:16:33,067 but I'm gonna put down 1,000 bucks. 532 00:16:33,167 --> 00:16:34,336 - Great. [computer chimes] 533 00:16:34,434 --> 00:16:36,638 - No, no, no, no, no, no. 534 00:16:36,737 --> 00:16:37,739 I'll be right back. 535 00:16:37,838 --> 00:16:38,840 [running footsteps departing] 536 00:16:38,939 --> 00:16:40,309 [door opens] - Oh, boy. 537 00:16:40,407 --> 00:16:41,576 - [whistles] - Tom. 538 00:16:41,675 --> 00:16:43,345 - Hey, Double D. - An email was sent 539 00:16:43,444 --> 00:16:45,414 from my laptop with a link to a movie 540 00:16:45,513 --> 00:16:47,682 called "Eastern European MILFs." 541 00:16:47,781 --> 00:16:49,083 - What's a MILF? Where's Eastern Europe? 542 00:16:49,182 --> 00:16:50,380 I don't even know what you're talking about. 543 00:16:50,484 --> 00:16:51,720 - Oh, don't play dumb. 544 00:16:51,819 --> 00:16:53,288 You emailed it to my Bible study group. 545 00:16:53,387 --> 00:16:54,623 Now you need to take the blame. 546 00:16:54,721 --> 00:16:56,057 - What? - You're the fall guy. 547 00:16:56,156 --> 00:16:57,859 - I didn't see the movie! I literally saw one boob 548 00:16:57,957 --> 00:16:59,594 for, like, three seconds. - Come on, Tom. 549 00:16:59,693 --> 00:17:00,695 - Where are we going? - Don't worry 550 00:17:00,794 --> 00:17:02,364 about where we're going. 551 00:17:02,463 --> 00:17:04,132 - Should I call my mom? 552 00:17:04,231 --> 00:17:05,434 - Don't call your mom. 553 00:17:05,532 --> 00:17:07,135 What are you, a little baby boy? 554 00:17:07,234 --> 00:17:09,203 - What are we even doing? - You are going to make 555 00:17:09,298 --> 00:17:11,506 a shameful apology video. - Oh, no. 556 00:17:11,605 --> 00:17:13,141 - Read these cards, word for word. 557 00:17:13,241 --> 00:17:14,609 - "Hi. My name is Filthy Tom"? 558 00:17:14,708 --> 00:17:16,611 I'm not reading that. - Word for word, Tom. 559 00:17:16,710 --> 00:17:18,580 Or your mom's refund goes bye-bye. 560 00:17:18,678 --> 00:17:20,682 - No refund if I don't read it? - Zip. 561 00:17:20,781 --> 00:17:22,784 And I'm telling everyone that you looked at boobies. 562 00:17:22,882 --> 00:17:24,052 - All right. Last time we ask you 563 00:17:24,150 --> 00:17:25,754 to do our taxes, I'll say that much. 564 00:17:25,852 --> 00:17:27,389 [camcorder beeps] - Action. 565 00:17:27,488 --> 00:17:30,258 - Hi, there. My name is Filthy Tom. 566 00:17:30,358 --> 00:17:32,794 And I've been a bad, bad boy? 567 00:17:32,893 --> 00:17:36,465 I recently hacked into Dakota's dad's laptop 568 00:17:36,563 --> 00:17:39,634 and blasted out a filthy email saying, 569 00:17:39,733 --> 00:17:42,904 "Hey, check out these Eastern European MILFs." 570 00:17:43,003 --> 00:17:44,806 Why did I do this? - Say it. 571 00:17:44,905 --> 00:17:47,008 - Because I'm filthy and disgusting 572 00:17:47,106 --> 00:17:49,311 and Dakota's dad-- I can't say this. 573 00:17:49,409 --> 00:17:50,612 - Word for word, Tom. 574 00:17:50,711 --> 00:17:52,681 - Dakota's dad is a wholesome man 575 00:17:52,779 --> 00:17:54,916 with a great physique for a man of his age. 576 00:17:55,014 --> 00:17:57,151 Thank you. - Hey, that was great. 577 00:17:57,250 --> 00:17:59,321 - That was great? - I-I'm proud of you, Tom. 578 00:17:59,414 --> 00:18:01,690 You're like the son I never had. 579 00:18:01,789 --> 00:18:03,792 - You have a 12-year-old son. He's on my baseball team. 580 00:18:03,890 --> 00:18:05,794 - Oh, right, that guy. 581 00:18:05,892 --> 00:18:08,129 - I'm so disgusted with you, Tom. 582 00:18:08,223 --> 00:18:09,764 - I'm disgusted with myself. 583 00:18:09,863 --> 00:18:11,900 - You coined your own nickname? - It got away from me. 584 00:18:11,999 --> 00:18:13,635 - Why would you make up a nickname like that? 585 00:18:13,734 --> 00:18:15,036 - I don't know. I thought it was catchy. 586 00:18:15,134 --> 00:18:16,738 But in retrospect, I shouldn't have. 587 00:18:16,837 --> 00:18:18,468 - Well, you ruined your reputation, 588 00:18:18,572 --> 00:18:19,974 and we're gonna fix it fast. 589 00:18:20,073 --> 00:18:22,511 I want you to go ask the priest for a baptism. 590 00:18:22,609 --> 00:18:24,313 - Just demand a baptism? - Yes. 591 00:18:24,406 --> 00:18:26,781 Don't even ask. Demand a baptism. 592 00:18:26,880 --> 00:18:28,750 - Hey. Are you the boss here? 593 00:18:28,849 --> 00:18:30,619 - The boss? I mean, I'm the priest. 594 00:18:30,716 --> 00:18:33,655 - I was hoping you could bang out a quick baptism real quick. 595 00:18:33,754 --> 00:18:35,457 - Just slam one out? - If you could. 596 00:18:35,554 --> 00:18:37,726 If it's not too much trouble. - You know, I'm looking at you. 597 00:18:37,825 --> 00:18:39,994 Aren't you--you're the kid who sent the email, right? 598 00:18:40,093 --> 00:18:41,730 I believe they call you Filthy Tom. 599 00:18:41,829 --> 00:18:43,432 - No, that nickname's not really catching on. 600 00:18:43,530 --> 00:18:45,700 - Made its way to me, so I guess it did catch on. 601 00:18:45,799 --> 00:18:47,402 Let's work our way up to a baptism, all right? 602 00:18:47,500 --> 00:18:49,338 - Work our way up to it? - If you want to get involved, 603 00:18:49,436 --> 00:18:50,972 why not start out as an altar boy? 604 00:18:51,072 --> 00:18:51,906 - Oh, no. 605 00:18:52,006 --> 00:18:53,408 No, I wouldn't-- - Yes. 606 00:18:53,502 --> 00:18:54,909 Yes. - That's a whole other world. 607 00:18:55,008 --> 00:18:56,378 That's a whole other subculture 608 00:18:56,471 --> 00:18:57,746 I don't want to get involved in. 609 00:18:57,845 --> 00:18:59,548 - That sounds great. - No, no, no. 610 00:18:59,646 --> 00:19:01,015 I-I got a full schedule. 611 00:19:01,114 --> 00:19:02,917 I got wiffleball, I got-- - He'll take the job. 612 00:19:03,016 --> 00:19:04,886 He'll quit wiffleball, and he'll take the job. 613 00:19:04,985 --> 00:19:07,188 - No. What does--what does an altar boy do exactly? 614 00:19:07,282 --> 00:19:08,823 - A lot of lighting candles, 615 00:19:08,922 --> 00:19:10,892 ringing bells, wearing robes. 616 00:19:10,991 --> 00:19:12,522 - I don't know. I'm not a big robe guy. 617 00:19:12,626 --> 00:19:14,996 - You don't have to really love robes to wear a robe. 618 00:19:15,096 --> 00:19:16,526 - Hey, Tom. - Oh, hey. 619 00:19:16,630 --> 00:19:18,867 Randy, you're an altar boy. - Yeah. 620 00:19:18,965 --> 00:19:20,502 How do I look? - Kind of weird. 621 00:19:20,601 --> 00:19:23,104 - What? - What does the job pay? 622 00:19:23,204 --> 00:19:25,307 - Um, we get paid in God's glory. 623 00:19:25,405 --> 00:19:27,276 - Are you joking? - Uh, no. 624 00:19:27,373 --> 00:19:29,539 - Let me get this straight. You wake up on a Sunday. 625 00:19:29,643 --> 00:19:31,313 - Mm-hmm. - You light candles, 626 00:19:31,412 --> 00:19:32,747 ring bells... - No, we-- 627 00:19:32,846 --> 00:19:35,417 - Wear an ill-fitting robe... - I mean-- 628 00:19:35,516 --> 00:19:36,885 - And you don't get any money? 629 00:19:36,983 --> 00:19:38,820 - Just let this go, all right, man? 630 00:19:38,919 --> 00:19:40,755 Okay, folks, before we start, 631 00:19:40,854 --> 00:19:43,825 I want to introduce our newest altar boy, Tom. 632 00:19:43,923 --> 00:19:45,159 - Thank you, everyone. 633 00:19:45,258 --> 00:19:46,828 People are calling me Religious Tom. 634 00:19:46,927 --> 00:19:48,663 It's just a nickname. Thank you, though. 635 00:19:48,762 --> 00:19:50,365 - All right, Tom. I was just introducing you. 636 00:19:50,463 --> 00:19:52,734 You don't need--there's no, like, speech you need to make. 637 00:19:52,834 --> 00:19:54,168 - Filthy Tom? 638 00:19:54,267 --> 00:19:56,371 I guess they're just letting anyone in now. 639 00:19:56,470 --> 00:19:57,639 - Just anybody. 640 00:19:57,738 --> 00:19:59,674 - That's my religious son up there. 641 00:19:59,773 --> 00:20:02,043 He doesn't look at Eastern European porn. 642 00:20:02,142 --> 00:20:04,346 What? He reads the Bible. 643 00:20:04,445 --> 00:20:05,680 - Our altar boys are going 644 00:20:05,779 --> 00:20:07,148 to pass the collection plate around. 645 00:20:07,246 --> 00:20:09,183 Well, while they do that, let's open our hymnals 646 00:20:09,283 --> 00:20:11,853 to page 423. 647 00:20:11,952 --> 00:20:13,322 - Tom? - Yeah? 648 00:20:13,420 --> 00:20:14,889 - You got me thinking. 649 00:20:14,988 --> 00:20:19,561 Why in the mother-effing hell are we not getting paid? 650 00:20:19,660 --> 00:20:21,262 - Don't say "mother-effing hell." What are you doing? 651 00:20:21,362 --> 00:20:22,997 - We work our asses off every Sunday 652 00:20:23,097 --> 00:20:25,267 to get paid in God's glory? 653 00:20:25,365 --> 00:20:28,202 Eh, news flash--that is not a type of currency. 654 00:20:28,302 --> 00:20:29,599 - Forget I said anything. Forget I-- 655 00:20:29,703 --> 00:20:31,039 - Tom. - You got to shut up. 656 00:20:31,138 --> 00:20:33,174 You got to shut up. - It's the weekend. 657 00:20:33,273 --> 00:20:36,044 And we're indoors wearing goddamn robes. 658 00:20:36,142 --> 00:20:38,246 - Even in a non-church setting, it's too much cursing. 659 00:20:38,344 --> 00:20:40,515 - I mean, look at me. I'm ringing a bell? 660 00:20:40,614 --> 00:20:42,484 [bell rings] Who does that? 661 00:20:42,582 --> 00:20:44,653 [bell ringing] Is this fun? 662 00:20:44,751 --> 00:20:46,120 - Randy, stop. 663 00:20:46,219 --> 00:20:48,122 - We should be at Nelson's pool party right now. 664 00:20:48,221 --> 00:20:49,924 - Honestly, I don't think you were invited. 665 00:20:50,023 --> 00:20:52,894 - But if I was, I should be doing things like that. 666 00:20:52,994 --> 00:20:54,663 - You're not well-liked. 667 00:20:54,762 --> 00:20:56,765 - Because I'm hanging out at this flophouse. 668 00:20:56,863 --> 00:20:59,734 Meet me backstage, okay? Let's talk. 669 00:20:59,833 --> 00:21:02,437 All right. All right. All right. Okay. 670 00:21:02,536 --> 00:21:03,738 Everybody, huddle up. 671 00:21:03,837 --> 00:21:07,976 Tom here has a great idea... - No. 672 00:21:08,074 --> 00:21:10,679 - That's gonna take us from being altar boys 673 00:21:10,772 --> 00:21:12,547 to altar men. - No, leave me out of this. 674 00:21:12,646 --> 00:21:14,416 - I agree with Tom that God wants us 675 00:21:14,514 --> 00:21:16,418 to be paid a fair wage. - I never said that. 676 00:21:16,516 --> 00:21:18,487 - Starting today, we're gonna skim 10% off the top. 677 00:21:18,585 --> 00:21:20,522 Just like they did in "Casino." - Oh, yeah. 678 00:21:20,621 --> 00:21:22,156 - No, we're not. - Then we're gonna 679 00:21:22,255 --> 00:21:23,625 tape the money to Tom's body... - That's a great idea. 680 00:21:23,724 --> 00:21:24,926 - Like in "Wolf of Wall Street." 681 00:21:25,025 --> 00:21:26,495 - Please, no. - And then Tom 682 00:21:26,593 --> 00:21:28,563 will sneak it out of the building little by little 683 00:21:28,657 --> 00:21:30,031 like in "Shawshank." - I've never seen 684 00:21:30,130 --> 00:21:31,433 any of these movies. I don't even-- 685 00:21:31,532 --> 00:21:32,867 - You can just read the plot summaries. 686 00:21:32,966 --> 00:21:35,036 We stash the money at your house... 687 00:21:35,135 --> 00:21:36,505 - Oh, my God. - Till we're 18. 688 00:21:36,603 --> 00:21:38,006 And then we move to Mexico 689 00:21:38,105 --> 00:21:39,808 or whatever happened at the end of "Shawshank." 690 00:21:39,906 --> 00:21:40,942 I haven't seen it either. 691 00:21:41,041 --> 00:21:42,277 - I just can't get in trouble. 692 00:21:42,376 --> 00:21:44,045 - [scoffs] There's no risk. - Yeah. 693 00:21:44,144 --> 00:21:46,147 - All the scrutiny is on the priests these days, 694 00:21:46,246 --> 00:21:49,584 so altar boys can get away with literally anything. 695 00:21:49,683 --> 00:21:52,086 They want us to. "Payback"! 696 00:21:52,185 --> 00:21:54,088 Have you seen that Mel Gibson movie, "Payback"? 697 00:21:54,187 --> 00:21:55,957 - You know I haven't seen it. - Here's the plan. 698 00:21:56,056 --> 00:21:58,960 I'll put away the candles. Ryan, fold up the robes. 699 00:21:59,059 --> 00:22:01,630 And the rest of you, tape the money to Tom's body 700 00:22:01,728 --> 00:22:02,664 so we can smuggle it out. 701 00:22:02,764 --> 00:22:03,965 Amen. 702 00:22:04,064 --> 00:22:05,334 - Why do I have to smuggle it out? 703 00:22:05,432 --> 00:22:08,537 - Oh, sorry. I-I already said "amen." 704 00:22:08,635 --> 00:22:09,971 - What does that mean? 705 00:22:10,070 --> 00:22:12,407 - Once I say "amen," there's no going back. 706 00:22:12,506 --> 00:22:15,810 [lively music playing] - Turn up the jams, dudes. 707 00:22:15,909 --> 00:22:17,078 Let's get this party started. 708 00:22:17,177 --> 00:22:20,014 - Oh, Tommy Tom. - It's about time. 709 00:22:20,113 --> 00:22:22,150 I only can make so much small talk with Dakota. 710 00:22:22,248 --> 00:22:24,018 - Yeah, we have very little in common. 711 00:22:24,118 --> 00:22:25,354 - Well, let's have fun now. 712 00:22:25,452 --> 00:22:27,188 Ahh, all right. - Whoa, whoa, whoa. 713 00:22:27,286 --> 00:22:28,990 Get up, man. We're about to play volleyball. 714 00:22:29,088 --> 00:22:31,860 - Oh, no, it's Sunday. Can't play sports on Sunday. 715 00:22:31,959 --> 00:22:33,295 - But you just said-- 716 00:22:33,393 --> 00:22:35,264 - I'm a churchgoing guy. I just want to relax. 717 00:22:35,362 --> 00:22:37,466 You guys have fun. I'm gonna take a nap and read the Bible. 718 00:22:37,564 --> 00:22:39,301 - Read the Bible? What? 719 00:22:39,399 --> 00:22:41,703 - I don't want to get in a pool with a bunch of sinners! 720 00:22:41,802 --> 00:22:43,938 - Did you just call us sinners? 721 00:22:44,032 --> 00:22:46,736 - What are you trying to tempt me into the pool for? 722 00:22:46,840 --> 00:22:48,076 - Tom, shut up and get in the pool! 723 00:22:48,175 --> 00:22:50,011 - This is blasphemy. It really is. 724 00:22:50,111 --> 00:22:51,245 - Take it off, man. Come on. 725 00:22:51,345 --> 00:22:52,647 - Get up. Get him. - Stop. Hey. 726 00:22:52,746 --> 00:22:53,743 Hey, please. Hey. - Take it off. 727 00:22:53,847 --> 00:22:55,116 - Don't. No, please. 728 00:22:55,216 --> 00:22:58,320 - Whoa. - Oh, what the hell? 729 00:22:58,418 --> 00:23:01,356 - What's wrong? My physique or the money? 730 00:23:01,450 --> 00:23:02,791 - What's going on, Tom? 731 00:23:02,890 --> 00:23:05,827 You got, like, $40 taped to your chest. 732 00:23:05,926 --> 00:23:07,195 - This is the way I carry my money. 733 00:23:07,294 --> 00:23:08,697 My mom doesn't trust banks. 734 00:23:08,796 --> 00:23:10,499 - Tom, Tom, I don't know what kind 735 00:23:10,597 --> 00:23:12,934 of "Wolf of Wall Street" stuff you caught up in, 736 00:23:13,033 --> 00:23:14,369 but, I mean, we need to talk. 737 00:23:14,468 --> 00:23:16,938 - How did everybody see this movie except me? 738 00:23:17,037 --> 00:23:18,440 All right, let's not make a big thing of this. 739 00:23:18,539 --> 00:23:19,974 Let's just go back to the pool party. 740 00:23:20,073 --> 00:23:22,043 - Tom, you're in a crisis mode, man. 741 00:23:22,141 --> 00:23:24,479 Focus here! - Okay, that's a bit much. 742 00:23:24,578 --> 00:23:27,649 - Thomas, in general terms, what you've gotten into? 743 00:23:27,748 --> 00:23:29,183 - In general terms, I mean, 744 00:23:29,282 --> 00:23:33,087 it's just a large organization smuggling funds... 745 00:23:33,186 --> 00:23:36,224 - Oh, my God. - And I'm the mule, I suppose. 746 00:23:36,323 --> 00:23:38,092 - Wha-- - I mean, is that even a crime? 747 00:23:38,191 --> 00:23:39,828 - That's the definition of a crime! 748 00:23:39,926 --> 00:23:41,095 - Is it? Being a mule is a crime? 749 00:23:41,194 --> 00:23:43,064 - Dakota, kill the music! - What? 750 00:23:43,163 --> 00:23:45,367 - Oh, don't kill the mus--no. - Destroy your phones. 751 00:23:45,465 --> 00:23:47,168 Yellow tape around the pool right now. 752 00:23:47,268 --> 00:23:48,603 - Okay! - Everybody, leave. 753 00:23:48,702 --> 00:23:50,004 - Running! Aah! 754 00:23:50,104 --> 00:23:51,273 - The party's not relaxing. 755 00:23:51,371 --> 00:23:53,608 - Your only play is to be a rat, Tom. 756 00:23:53,707 --> 00:23:56,110 - A rat? I'll get in trouble. I'm doing the crime. 757 00:23:56,209 --> 00:23:58,246 - No, no, the first to talk always gets 758 00:23:58,346 --> 00:23:59,914 a slap on the wrist. - Oh, really? 759 00:24:00,013 --> 00:24:01,450 - Now, grab one of Nelson's suits 760 00:24:01,549 --> 00:24:03,985 and get yourself down to the IRS. 761 00:24:04,078 --> 00:24:07,817 - IRS? This is the worst pool party I've ever been to. 762 00:24:10,123 --> 00:24:11,760 - Tom, buddy, I got to tell you, 763 00:24:11,859 --> 00:24:13,295 I'm proud of you for doing this. 764 00:24:13,393 --> 00:24:15,264 - "Proud"? I was a mule in an embezzling scheme 765 00:24:15,363 --> 00:24:16,826 against the church. - Yeah. 766 00:24:16,930 --> 00:24:18,600 But you're ratting on the altar boys. 767 00:24:18,699 --> 00:24:21,270 You're incorruptible-- purest of the pure right here. 768 00:24:21,368 --> 00:24:22,971 Little rat mule. - That's true. 769 00:24:23,069 --> 00:24:24,673 All right. Well, wish me luck. 770 00:24:24,772 --> 00:24:26,675 - While you're in there, see if they have my refund check. 771 00:24:26,775 --> 00:24:27,909 - I'm on it. 772 00:24:28,007 --> 00:24:29,311 [door closes] - Okay, son. 773 00:24:29,410 --> 00:24:30,812 It's a really brave thing you're doing here. 774 00:24:30,912 --> 00:24:32,381 Just state your name 775 00:24:32,478 --> 00:24:35,083 and tell me everything right into the camera here. 776 00:24:35,181 --> 00:24:37,085 - [distorted voice] All right, name is Tom, 777 00:24:37,184 --> 00:24:40,121 and I have come here to blow the whistle 778 00:24:40,220 --> 00:24:42,824 about a scandal unfolding at the church. 779 00:24:42,923 --> 00:24:45,126 - Nope. Yeah, got to stop you there, buddy. 780 00:24:45,225 --> 00:24:46,661 - [normal voice] What's wrong? 781 00:24:46,760 --> 00:24:48,397 - Don't really care about all that church stuff? 782 00:24:48,495 --> 00:24:50,198 - What's this? - They're tax-exempt, 783 00:24:50,297 --> 00:24:52,000 so we really don't have any jurisdiction over them. 784 00:24:52,099 --> 00:24:53,302 - No, the altar boys are stealing money. 785 00:24:53,401 --> 00:24:54,864 They're gonna move to Mexico. 786 00:24:54,968 --> 00:24:56,471 - Doesn't matter. - Are you getting this? 787 00:24:56,570 --> 00:24:58,206 - The church, they do whatever they want. 788 00:24:58,306 --> 00:24:59,641 - Tell the guy to hit record at least. 789 00:24:59,740 --> 00:25:02,076 - You know what? Bob, go ahead and hit record. 790 00:25:02,176 --> 00:25:04,779 I do have a few questions for you. 791 00:25:04,878 --> 00:25:07,148 - Okay. - As a standard action, 792 00:25:07,247 --> 00:25:10,118 we did pull your mother's tax return. 793 00:25:10,217 --> 00:25:11,853 - Oh, I'm not here for that. 794 00:25:11,952 --> 00:25:13,922 - And we've got some questions for you. 795 00:25:14,020 --> 00:25:15,424 - [distorted voice] No comment. 796 00:25:15,523 --> 00:25:17,692 - $1,000 for a backpack? - I don't have a backpack. 797 00:25:17,791 --> 00:25:20,829 - Capital-gains loss on an ice-cream truck? 798 00:25:20,928 --> 00:25:22,364 - I plead the fifth. 799 00:25:22,462 --> 00:25:25,400 - Claiming a masseuse named Tina as a dependent? 800 00:25:25,498 --> 00:25:28,570 - As I understand it, if she's sucking my dad's dong, 801 00:25:28,663 --> 00:25:30,104 she's draining our finances. 802 00:25:30,203 --> 00:25:32,674 - Whoa, yes. Well, we got it on tape. 803 00:25:32,773 --> 00:25:34,776 - [normal voice] What? - You're a brave kid, Tom. 804 00:25:34,875 --> 00:25:37,546 Not a lot of kids are willing to rat on their own mom 805 00:25:37,645 --> 00:25:39,414 like you just did. 806 00:25:39,512 --> 00:25:41,283 - ♪ Money, money, money all the time ♪ 807 00:25:41,381 --> 00:25:42,884 ♪ What I'm thinkin' 'bout ♪ [knock on window] 808 00:25:42,983 --> 00:25:44,719 ♪ Bitches on my mind all the time... ♪ 809 00:25:44,819 --> 00:25:45,887 - Hi, ma'am. 810 00:25:45,985 --> 00:25:47,389 Can we have a quick word with you? 811 00:25:47,488 --> 00:25:49,157 - Oh, is this about my tax refund? 812 00:25:49,255 --> 00:25:51,092 - You think I'd come tap on your window about a refund? 813 00:25:51,191 --> 00:25:52,694 No, it's about tax evasion. 814 00:25:52,792 --> 00:25:54,796 Your son just ratted on you. 815 00:25:54,894 --> 00:25:57,031 - Um, I don't have a son. 816 00:25:57,130 --> 00:25:58,400 I don't know what you're talking about. 817 00:25:58,498 --> 00:26:00,535 Bye. [engine turning over] 818 00:26:00,634 --> 00:26:02,737 - ♪ Remember there's more road ♪ 819 00:26:02,836 --> 00:26:04,873 ♪ And places to go ♪ 820 00:26:04,971 --> 00:26:06,808 ♪ Patterns to contemplate ♪ 821 00:26:06,907 --> 00:26:08,510 ♪ More people to fornicate ♪ 822 00:26:08,608 --> 00:26:11,780 ♪ And remember there's a lot of good omens ♪ 823 00:26:11,879 --> 00:26:13,415 ♪ Supplying the proof ♪ 824 00:26:13,513 --> 00:26:16,851 ♪ That our life is the best joke ever told ♪ 825 00:26:16,950 --> 00:26:21,255 ♪ Remember it's a joke and leave it alone ♪ 826 00:26:21,354 --> 00:26:25,093 ♪ Let go and try to be always abiding ♪ 827 00:26:25,191 --> 00:26:29,364 ♪ Remember if there's one good reason for dying ♪ 828 00:26:29,463 --> 00:26:31,400 ♪ The sweet silver lining ♪ 829 00:26:31,498 --> 00:26:33,568 ♪ Through you she lives on ♪ 830 00:26:33,666 --> 00:26:37,639 ♪ And therein lies a truth we can sip when we want ♪ 831 00:26:37,738 --> 00:26:41,576 ♪ Disciples of the flow, we can float anywhere ♪