1 00:00:04,879 --> 00:00:05,839 [birds squawking] 2 00:00:05,922 --> 00:00:08,717 - Okay, kids, as you know, 3 00:00:08,800 --> 00:00:13,012 our spelling bee team is heading on to regionals! 4 00:00:13,096 --> 00:00:17,267 So let's bring them out to show our support. 5 00:00:17,350 --> 00:00:22,439 First up is... Dakota. 6 00:00:22,522 --> 00:00:24,232 And Nelson. 7 00:00:24,315 --> 00:00:26,276 - Is Mr. B. okay? He seems very worked up. 8 00:00:26,359 --> 00:00:31,072 - Give it up for Hector. And Suzie! 9 00:00:31,156 --> 00:00:33,950 And our team captain... 10 00:00:34,033 --> 00:00:38,329 Rahul! He ain't no tool! 11 00:00:38,413 --> 00:00:40,165 - Rahul's in the house! 12 00:00:40,248 --> 00:00:41,708 - This is for the spelling bee team? 13 00:00:41,791 --> 00:00:43,084 - Biggest brain on the block, 14 00:00:43,168 --> 00:00:44,627 pre-med out the womb. - Okay, Rahul. 15 00:00:44,711 --> 00:00:46,838 Quiet down, I have something I wanna say. 16 00:00:46,921 --> 00:00:48,757 Now, listen, as proud as I am of you guys, 17 00:00:48,840 --> 00:00:51,593 this year we wanna just have a little bit more diversity 18 00:00:51,676 --> 00:00:54,387 on the team. - You can't be serious. 19 00:00:54,471 --> 00:00:57,432 The team couldn't be more diverse. 20 00:00:57,515 --> 00:00:58,975 - Okay, that is true. 21 00:00:59,058 --> 00:01:01,060 But I'm talking about intellectual diversity. 22 00:01:01,144 --> 00:01:03,521 I just don't think events like these should be reserved 23 00:01:03,605 --> 00:01:05,857 just wealthy and smart families. 24 00:01:05,940 --> 00:01:09,486 - So you want dumb kids on the spelling bee team? 25 00:01:09,569 --> 00:01:11,362 - No, not like, super dumb. 26 00:01:11,446 --> 00:01:13,031 Just, like, you know, average dumb. 27 00:01:13,114 --> 00:01:16,159 Like a little sprinkle of dumbness on a regular kid. 28 00:01:16,242 --> 00:01:18,286 Like Tom dumb. - "Tom dumb"? 29 00:01:18,369 --> 00:01:20,455 Oh no, leave me out of this. - Tom, Tom, the path 30 00:01:20,538 --> 00:01:22,540 to all Ivy Leagues schools starts here. 31 00:01:22,624 --> 00:01:24,417 - I can't imagine I'm gonna go to college. 32 00:01:24,501 --> 00:01:26,878 - Your school needs you. They're chanting your name. 33 00:01:26,961 --> 00:01:28,379 - Are they? No one's chanting at all. 34 00:01:28,463 --> 00:01:30,840 - We want Tom. - Oh, don't chant, come on. 35 00:01:30,924 --> 00:01:32,801 - We want Tom, we want Tom. 36 00:01:32,884 --> 00:01:36,137 both: We want Tom. We want Tom. 37 00:01:36,221 --> 00:01:37,597 - Yay! 38 00:01:37,680 --> 00:01:39,599 - Literally the worst chant I've ever heard. 39 00:01:39,682 --> 00:01:43,770 - ♪ Now as our poor young lungs deflate ♪ 40 00:01:43,853 --> 00:01:47,732 ♪ I'll admit I've gotten older ♪ 41 00:01:47,816 --> 00:01:53,488 ♪ Mellowed out, chatting up those I used to hate ♪ 42 00:01:53,571 --> 00:01:56,032 ♪ ♪ 43 00:01:56,115 --> 00:02:00,370 ♪ The feeling that we're lost will always fade ♪ 44 00:02:00,453 --> 00:02:04,541 ♪ I present no explanation ♪ 45 00:02:04,624 --> 00:02:08,127 ♪ Can't expect our tired patience ♪ 46 00:02:08,211 --> 00:02:12,423 ♪ To satiate for long ♪ 47 00:02:12,507 --> 00:02:16,261 ♪ Therein lies a truth we can sip when we want ♪ 48 00:02:16,344 --> 00:02:20,139 ♪ Disciples of the flow, we can float anywhere ♪ 49 00:02:20,223 --> 00:02:22,642 [polite applause] 50 00:02:22,725 --> 00:02:26,729 - Welcome to the New Jersey State Regional Spelling Bee. 51 00:02:26,813 --> 00:02:28,815 - Spelling bee... time to spell. 52 00:02:28,898 --> 00:02:30,275 There's a time to spell and there's a time 53 00:02:30,358 --> 00:02:32,861 to--to get up there and spell things. 54 00:02:32,944 --> 00:02:34,237 - Tom. - Hey, hey, Dakota. 55 00:02:34,320 --> 00:02:35,822 - We got you a gift. - A gift? 56 00:02:35,905 --> 00:02:37,532 - It's from the whole team. - That's incredible. 57 00:02:37,615 --> 00:02:39,033 What is it, a weird little pin? 58 00:02:39,117 --> 00:02:40,493 - It's got the image of a lion 59 00:02:40,577 --> 00:02:41,911 ripping the heart out of a griffin. 60 00:02:41,995 --> 00:02:44,747 And it says "Death before Dishonor: 61 00:02:44,831 --> 00:02:47,167 I will die for my team" in Latin. 62 00:02:47,250 --> 00:02:48,626 - That's a little intense, no? 63 00:02:48,710 --> 00:02:50,253 - Relax, man, don't take it too literally. 64 00:02:50,336 --> 00:02:52,171 - You want me to relax? - Yeah, we won't punch you 65 00:02:52,255 --> 00:02:53,756 straight in the mouth if you spell 66 00:02:53,840 --> 00:02:55,508 a word wrong or anything. - Punch me in the mouth? 67 00:02:55,592 --> 00:02:57,051 Why are you even talking about stuff like that? 68 00:02:57,135 --> 00:02:58,720 - No, if we lose because of you, 69 00:02:58,803 --> 00:03:00,763 we're not gonna... murder you. 70 00:03:00,847 --> 00:03:02,599 - Why'd you say it like that? - [laughs] 71 00:03:02,682 --> 00:03:04,475 Of course, we're not gonna take Tom out back 72 00:03:04,559 --> 00:03:06,436 and beat him with a rusty hoe. 73 00:03:06,519 --> 00:03:08,438 [laughs] Where would we get a hoe? 74 00:03:08,521 --> 00:03:10,481 - I mean who does that? Murder somebody 75 00:03:10,565 --> 00:03:13,192 because they misspelled a word. 76 00:03:13,276 --> 00:03:14,611 [starting bells ringing] - And they're off. 77 00:03:14,694 --> 00:03:16,154 - Lou, look at you! 78 00:03:16,237 --> 00:03:17,739 You are looking good today. 79 00:03:17,822 --> 00:03:19,198 - Not as good as your mom 80 00:03:19,282 --> 00:03:21,618 with her mouth wrapped around my hey. 81 00:03:21,701 --> 00:03:23,453 - I told you last time I'm not crazy about those jokes, 82 00:03:23,536 --> 00:03:24,871 but I'm doing good. Listen. 83 00:03:24,954 --> 00:03:26,831 Give me $100 on the Knicks taking points. 84 00:03:26,915 --> 00:03:29,000 And give me $250 on the Yanks just straight up. 85 00:03:29,083 --> 00:03:31,169 - You got it. - Hey, I have... 86 00:03:31,252 --> 00:03:32,670 Okay, is it between me and you? 87 00:03:32,754 --> 00:03:34,213 - You want to join in with me and your mom? 88 00:03:34,297 --> 00:03:37,133 - [laughs] All right, do you guys 89 00:03:37,216 --> 00:03:40,303 do, like, grade school spelling bee bets 90 00:03:40,386 --> 00:03:43,431 and shit like that? - Of course I do spelling bees. 91 00:03:43,514 --> 00:03:45,058 I mean, those parents are maniacs. 92 00:03:45,141 --> 00:03:46,476 We get tons of action on that stuff. 93 00:03:46,559 --> 00:03:48,269 - Oh, I love it! Give me ten grand 94 00:03:48,353 --> 00:03:50,438 on Shady Oaks Elementary to lose. 95 00:03:50,521 --> 00:03:53,191 - Ten grand to lose? That's your school. 96 00:03:53,274 --> 00:03:55,234 - I'm not proud of it, but there's a ton of duds 97 00:03:55,318 --> 00:03:56,694 this year. Just big duds. 98 00:03:56,778 --> 00:03:58,571 - Yeah, that's what your mom said--ooh! 99 00:03:58,655 --> 00:04:00,114 - Does anyone love when you do that? 100 00:04:00,198 --> 00:04:02,200 What's the best way I should react to that? 101 00:04:02,283 --> 00:04:03,868 - All right! 102 00:04:03,952 --> 00:04:06,996 Who's ready to see some little kids spell some shit? 103 00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:10,375 Let's see some I before E except after C, that shit. 104 00:04:10,458 --> 00:04:11,793 Let's go! - All right, Tom, 105 00:04:11,876 --> 00:04:12,919 don't get nervous. 106 00:04:13,002 --> 00:04:14,003 Don't urinate in your pants. 107 00:04:14,087 --> 00:04:15,421 - Tom. - What's that? 108 00:04:15,505 --> 00:04:17,006 Whose hand is that? - Look straight ahead. 109 00:04:17,090 --> 00:04:19,509 Don't make eye contact. Don't turn around. 110 00:04:19,592 --> 00:04:21,135 - Mr. B? 111 00:04:21,219 --> 00:04:23,346 - I'm gonna discreetly stuff an envelope in your pocket. 112 00:04:23,429 --> 00:04:25,765 I'm not saying it contains the answers, 113 00:04:25,848 --> 00:04:27,850 but I'm not saying it doesn't. 114 00:04:27,934 --> 00:04:29,477 - What's happening? I don't wanna cheat, Mr. B. 115 00:04:29,560 --> 00:04:32,021 - Tom, you have a moral obligation to cheat. 116 00:04:32,105 --> 00:04:34,983 These other kids have worked hard all year for this. 117 00:04:35,066 --> 00:04:37,902 Rahul's family flew in from Chennai for this- 118 00:04:37,986 --> 00:04:39,654 - Just for this? Are they doing 119 00:04:39,737 --> 00:04:41,614 other things while they're here or is that the whole trip? 120 00:04:41,698 --> 00:04:43,366 - I don't know, Tom, I didn't ask. 121 00:04:43,449 --> 00:04:45,702 - It's just a long flight. - For God's sake, son! 122 00:04:45,785 --> 00:04:49,205 This is the regionals. Nothing is more important. 123 00:04:49,288 --> 00:04:52,875 These kids study until they vomit. 124 00:04:52,959 --> 00:04:55,920 Now, get out there and make me proud. 125 00:04:57,046 --> 00:04:58,339 - Do you think it's possible you take this 126 00:04:58,423 --> 00:04:59,590 a little too seriously? 127 00:04:59,674 --> 00:05:02,468 - Your first word is...aardvark. 128 00:05:02,552 --> 00:05:04,137 - Aardvark. Easy. 129 00:05:04,220 --> 00:05:06,431 A to the A to the R to the D to the V to the A 130 00:05:06,514 --> 00:05:09,726 to the R to the K. Aardvark, bitches. 131 00:05:09,809 --> 00:05:13,438 - Okay, that whole thing was very inappropriate. 132 00:05:13,521 --> 00:05:16,774 - I agree, that was too much. What was that voice I did? 133 00:05:16,858 --> 00:05:20,486 - Okay, our next competitor is Tom. 134 00:05:20,570 --> 00:05:21,904 - All right, thanks for having me, everyone. 135 00:05:21,988 --> 00:05:24,323 I'm ready to spell it up. Throw one at me. 136 00:05:24,407 --> 00:05:28,244 - Tom, your first word is...armoire. 137 00:05:28,327 --> 00:05:32,081 - Armoire? - Oh, come on, 138 00:05:32,165 --> 00:05:33,833 not all kids have "armoires." 139 00:05:33,916 --> 00:05:35,668 - Excuse me. - We have closets 140 00:05:35,752 --> 00:05:37,211 like normal people. - Ma'am. 141 00:05:37,295 --> 00:05:39,005 - Tom, just spell closet. - That is not the word. 142 00:05:39,088 --> 00:05:40,256 - Mom, I've got this. - Yes, 143 00:05:40,339 --> 00:05:43,301 Tom is one of our best spellers. 144 00:05:44,385 --> 00:05:45,595 - What are you doing? 145 00:05:45,678 --> 00:05:47,513 - Oh, sorry. - Is your eye okay? 146 00:05:47,597 --> 00:05:49,348 - I was winking. I'm not a great winker. 147 00:05:49,432 --> 00:05:52,101 - I think it is time for you to spell the word. 148 00:05:52,185 --> 00:05:54,395 - Oh, God. - [groans] 149 00:05:54,479 --> 00:05:58,107 - A-R-M-O-I-R-E. Armoire. 150 00:05:58,191 --> 00:06:01,027 - That is correct! - Wait, how did he... 151 00:06:01,110 --> 00:06:02,403 - As much as it pains me, 152 00:06:02,487 --> 00:06:04,238 Shady Oaks will advance to the finals. 153 00:06:04,322 --> 00:06:06,616 - All right, Tom! - Yes! That was fantastic! 154 00:06:06,699 --> 00:06:10,369 - That's my baby son who knows how to spell armoire! 155 00:06:11,746 --> 00:06:13,081 - There's my principal. 156 00:06:13,164 --> 00:06:15,958 I did it, what a victory. What a... 157 00:06:16,042 --> 00:06:17,835 - Tom, get in here. Close the door, please. 158 00:06:17,919 --> 00:06:19,170 And shove a towel under the bottom-- 159 00:06:19,253 --> 00:06:20,630 really shove it in there good. 160 00:06:20,713 --> 00:06:21,839 And cover your mouth-- 161 00:06:21,923 --> 00:06:23,299 - It's not exactly a high-five- 162 00:06:23,382 --> 00:06:24,884 - Cover your mouth when you talk, please. 163 00:06:24,967 --> 00:06:25,968 - What's going on. Are you okay? 164 00:06:26,052 --> 00:06:27,887 - Tom, I know you cheated. 165 00:06:27,970 --> 00:06:29,806 - Oh, I'm sorry. 166 00:06:29,889 --> 00:06:31,682 You know, I just didn't want to let everyone down. 167 00:06:31,766 --> 00:06:33,267 But hey, we won, right? 168 00:06:33,351 --> 00:06:35,853 - No, Tom, that's the problem. I gamble on these games. 169 00:06:35,937 --> 00:06:37,355 - Wait, you gamble, what? - Yes. 170 00:06:37,438 --> 00:06:38,648 And I gambled that we'd lose. 171 00:06:38,731 --> 00:06:40,358 That's why I placed you on the team. 172 00:06:40,441 --> 00:06:41,818 - I'm not following. Why? 173 00:06:41,901 --> 00:06:43,361 - Our school budget, it's a mess. 174 00:06:43,444 --> 00:06:44,654 - Okay. - So I figured out 175 00:06:44,737 --> 00:06:46,447 I'd add a deadbeat kid like you 176 00:06:46,531 --> 00:06:47,782 to the team... - Deadbeat? 177 00:06:47,865 --> 00:06:48,991 - And then I'd bet against us, 178 00:06:49,075 --> 00:06:50,493 and then I would win-- - Okay. 179 00:06:50,576 --> 00:06:52,120 - Listen, up. Then I would take the money 180 00:06:52,203 --> 00:06:54,330 and funnel the winnings back into the budget. 181 00:06:54,413 --> 00:06:57,250 - Is this the kind of stuff you do in here all day? 182 00:06:57,333 --> 00:06:59,418 - Tom, I need you to throw the next match. 183 00:06:59,502 --> 00:07:01,295 - Nah, I think, you know, that's where I draw the line. 184 00:07:01,379 --> 00:07:02,839 That feels kind of sleazy. 185 00:07:02,922 --> 00:07:04,382 - Tom, you're already cheating! 186 00:07:04,465 --> 00:07:06,425 All I'm asking you to do is not cheat! 187 00:07:06,509 --> 00:07:08,052 - Well, if you look at it that way, yeah. 188 00:07:08,136 --> 00:07:09,929 - Yes, that's the way I want you to look at it. 189 00:07:10,012 --> 00:07:12,056 - So it's either a scheme or a hoax, is the basic choice. 190 00:07:12,140 --> 00:07:13,891 - Oh, my God, you could twist and turn 191 00:07:13,975 --> 00:07:15,434 and make anything look wrong. 192 00:07:15,518 --> 00:07:17,520 - This is exhausting. Talking to you, 193 00:07:17,603 --> 00:07:18,771 it's always exhausting. 194 00:07:18,855 --> 00:07:20,565 - I know, I'm literally exhausted. 195 00:07:20,648 --> 00:07:22,024 I'm in a bad mood now. 196 00:07:22,108 --> 00:07:24,110 [grill sizzling] - Oh, this is nice. 197 00:07:24,193 --> 00:07:25,862 Wow, you didn't have to throw me a barbecue, Mom. 198 00:07:25,945 --> 00:07:27,572 - I did have to throw you a barbecue, 199 00:07:27,655 --> 00:07:29,407 because I'm so proud of you, Tom. 200 00:07:29,490 --> 00:07:32,368 My boy is going to the state spelling bee. 201 00:07:32,451 --> 00:07:34,328 - Glad you're proud, Ma, glad you're proud. 202 00:07:34,412 --> 00:07:37,874 - What the...Uncle Bill! - [laughs] 203 00:07:37,957 --> 00:07:40,543 - I cannot believe you drove down from Boston! 204 00:07:40,626 --> 00:07:42,670 - I wouldn't miss this for the world, 'ey? 205 00:07:42,753 --> 00:07:44,463 Yeah! - Whoa, whoa, whoa, easy. 206 00:07:44,547 --> 00:07:46,465 - Oh, okay. - Come here, hug your uncle, 207 00:07:46,549 --> 00:07:48,176 you goofy, ugly sonofabitch. Come here! 208 00:07:48,259 --> 00:07:49,552 Come here! - That's a bit much. 209 00:07:49,635 --> 00:07:51,137 it's a bit much. - Why are you fighting? 210 00:07:51,220 --> 00:07:52,555 - That's a bit--it's a bit mu-- - Listen, hey. 211 00:07:52,638 --> 00:07:53,806 Do me a favor, Tommy. - All right. 212 00:07:53,890 --> 00:07:55,349 - Spell hot dog. 213 00:07:55,433 --> 00:07:56,559 - Uh-oh, tests! 214 00:07:56,642 --> 00:07:58,394 Okay, okay, let's get into it. 215 00:07:58,477 --> 00:07:59,854 - H-O-T-D-O-G. 216 00:07:59,937 --> 00:08:01,522 - Kid's a friggin' genius. - There it is. 217 00:08:01,606 --> 00:08:03,649 - Look at you with the big head, with the words. 218 00:08:03,733 --> 00:08:04,859 All right, now spell bun. 219 00:08:04,942 --> 00:08:06,110 - B-U-N-N. - Great, right. 220 00:08:06,194 --> 00:08:07,653 - Yes. - Now spell eat, eat. 221 00:08:07,737 --> 00:08:10,364 - E-A-T. These are pretty easy words, 222 00:08:10,448 --> 00:08:11,782 Uncle Bill. - Listen, I gotta ask you-- 223 00:08:11,866 --> 00:08:13,534 what's the bathroom situation here? 224 00:08:13,618 --> 00:08:15,453 I mean, do I go to the bathroom indoors 225 00:08:15,536 --> 00:08:17,455 or is it anything goes? 226 00:08:17,538 --> 00:08:21,042 - No, no, Uncle Bill, it is not an anything goes thing. 227 00:08:21,125 --> 00:08:23,669 So we're gonna want you to go indoors. 228 00:08:23,753 --> 00:08:26,923 - All right, you might wanna check your driveway. 229 00:08:29,717 --> 00:08:31,886 Tommy, I'm so proud of you. 230 00:08:31,969 --> 00:08:33,262 - Thank you. 231 00:08:33,346 --> 00:08:35,348 - As the two biggest duds in this family, 232 00:08:35,431 --> 00:08:37,183 we gotta stick together. You know what I'm saying? 233 00:08:37,266 --> 00:08:38,809 - Well, I don't know if people lump us together like that. 234 00:08:38,893 --> 00:08:40,394 - Oh, they do, no, they do. - Yeah, well. 235 00:08:40,478 --> 00:08:41,979 - Listen-- [gulping] 236 00:08:42,063 --> 00:08:44,440 if you ever need help, I'm here for you, okay? 237 00:08:44,524 --> 00:08:46,984 - I've actually got a pretty big dilemma on my hands. 238 00:08:47,068 --> 00:08:48,277 Can I share it with you? 239 00:08:48,361 --> 00:08:49,445 - I don't know what dilemma means. 240 00:08:49,528 --> 00:08:50,738 - I just got a problem. 241 00:08:50,821 --> 00:08:52,198 This whole spelling thing is a lie. 242 00:08:52,281 --> 00:08:54,450 My coach is making me cheat, but my principal 243 00:08:54,533 --> 00:08:56,285 wants me to not cheat and throw the match. 244 00:08:56,369 --> 00:08:57,620 - I'm not known for my advice... 245 00:08:57,703 --> 00:08:59,622 - Okay. - But here it goes: 246 00:08:59,705 --> 00:09:01,123 play by the rules. 247 00:09:01,207 --> 00:09:03,793 If you're honest, you can hold your head up high 248 00:09:03,876 --> 00:09:06,170 whether you win or you lose. - That's great advice, 249 00:09:06,254 --> 00:09:09,131 but I'm not a good speller. I'm going to lose. 250 00:09:09,215 --> 00:09:11,133 - I-I'll--I'll help, okay? We'll study all weekend. 251 00:09:11,217 --> 00:09:13,135 I'm here, we'll study. We'll do flashcards, 252 00:09:13,219 --> 00:09:14,637 we'll do spelling books... - Really? 253 00:09:14,720 --> 00:09:16,138 - Hey, hey, hey, hey! 254 00:09:16,222 --> 00:09:17,682 We'll learn Latin. - Learn Latin? 255 00:09:17,765 --> 00:09:19,350 That's great! We should probably start, 256 00:09:19,433 --> 00:09:21,477 like, right away, right? - Well, let's dive in tomorrow. 257 00:09:21,560 --> 00:09:24,438 Right now I'm going to butt chug a beer. 258 00:09:24,522 --> 00:09:27,984 - The word is psittaceous-- 259 00:09:28,067 --> 00:09:30,945 of or relating to parrots. 260 00:09:31,028 --> 00:09:34,824 - Hey, judge, are you ready for Rahul to rock your world? 261 00:09:34,907 --> 00:09:38,202 - I don't have any other choice but to say yes. 262 00:09:38,286 --> 00:09:39,704 Please spell the word. 263 00:09:39,787 --> 00:09:41,038 - Then peep game. 264 00:09:41,122 --> 00:09:43,874 P-S-I-T-T-A-C-E-O-U-S. 265 00:09:43,958 --> 00:09:47,128 Psittaceous. S-U-C-K-I-T. 266 00:09:47,211 --> 00:09:50,006 - Excuse me? - J-U-D-G-E. 267 00:09:50,089 --> 00:09:51,591 Suck it, judge. [mic thuds] 268 00:09:51,674 --> 00:09:53,676 I am so sorry. I just get worked up. 269 00:09:53,759 --> 00:09:54,969 I get worked up. 270 00:09:55,052 --> 00:09:59,849 - P-H-A-L-A-E-A-E-N-O-S-I- 271 00:09:59,932 --> 00:10:01,309 - Tom, you're almost up. 272 00:10:01,392 --> 00:10:03,185 Have you reviewed your secret envelope? 273 00:10:03,269 --> 00:10:04,603 - I don't need to cheat anymore. 274 00:10:04,687 --> 00:10:05,938 I can win this fair and square. 275 00:10:06,022 --> 00:10:07,523 - No, Tom, you can't. - I can. 276 00:10:07,606 --> 00:10:11,152 - Your brain is like a small squirrel's or a ferret's. 277 00:10:11,235 --> 00:10:13,571 - Listen, I've been practicing. I learned Latin. 278 00:10:13,654 --> 00:10:15,531 - Tom--with whom? - Just Uncle Bill. 279 00:10:15,615 --> 00:10:17,033 That's all you need to know. 280 00:10:17,116 --> 00:10:19,368 - And what are your uncle's qualifications? 281 00:10:19,452 --> 00:10:21,287 - I'm not saying he's an intelligent man, but-- 282 00:10:21,370 --> 00:10:22,913 - And what has Uncle Bill taught you, Tom? 283 00:10:22,997 --> 00:10:25,249 - Listen, Mr. B, I'm sorry; you steered me wrong. 284 00:10:25,333 --> 00:10:26,876 I'm gonna do this the honest way. 285 00:10:26,959 --> 00:10:28,294 - Tom! Oh, my God. 286 00:10:28,377 --> 00:10:30,212 - And when I get to the Ivy Leagues, 287 00:10:30,296 --> 00:10:31,422 I'm gonna give you a call 288 00:10:31,505 --> 00:10:35,634 from my dorm room at H-A-V-E-R-D. 289 00:10:35,718 --> 00:10:40,056 - Would that be the university known as Harvard? 290 00:10:40,139 --> 00:10:42,391 - Different one, diff--I was talking about a different one. 291 00:10:42,475 --> 00:10:44,894 I spelled it right, trust me. - Okay, next up, 292 00:10:44,977 --> 00:10:48,689 representing Shady Oaks Elementary, is Tom. 293 00:10:48,773 --> 00:10:50,483 [polite applause] 294 00:10:50,566 --> 00:10:52,401 - Tommy! Show 'em what you learned, baby! 295 00:10:52,485 --> 00:10:54,820 - Come on, Tom! You can do it, baby, come on! 296 00:10:54,904 --> 00:10:58,824 - Yeah, bend this judge over and show him who's boss! 297 00:11:00,493 --> 00:11:01,911 I agree, that was too much. 298 00:11:01,994 --> 00:11:03,329 There's a line and I crossed it. 299 00:11:03,412 --> 00:11:05,081 - Welcome, Tom. I just want to say, 300 00:11:05,164 --> 00:11:07,500 we took your mother's words to heart last time, 301 00:11:07,583 --> 00:11:11,462 so we're now including simpler words that all kids would know, 302 00:11:11,545 --> 00:11:13,923 regardless of income or social status. 303 00:11:14,006 --> 00:11:17,593 So in the spirit of inclusion, let's begin. 304 00:11:17,676 --> 00:11:21,055 Your word is... Tom. 305 00:11:21,138 --> 00:11:23,099 - Tom? That's a crazy coincidence. 306 00:11:23,182 --> 00:11:25,309 That's almost too easy, no? Tom like me? 307 00:11:25,393 --> 00:11:28,229 - Tom as in "the male of a species, 308 00:11:28,312 --> 00:11:32,983 colloquially used to describe turkeys or domestic cats." 309 00:11:33,067 --> 00:11:35,736 - Wow, I think I've got it. T-O- 310 00:11:35,820 --> 00:11:38,197 - Tom, shut up! - What--what's happening? 311 00:11:38,280 --> 00:11:40,199 - It's a trick question, Tommy. - Trick? What? 312 00:11:40,282 --> 00:11:42,701 - Reach down inside you and pull out your Latin. 313 00:11:42,785 --> 00:11:48,457 - My Latin? My Latin... 314 00:11:48,541 --> 00:11:50,251 - The derivative suffixes... 315 00:11:50,334 --> 00:11:52,962 Carpe diem...Pro bono...In absentia...Spell bibliophile! 316 00:11:53,045 --> 00:11:55,214 - Bibliophile, B-L-I-B-L-I-P-I-H-I-L. 317 00:11:55,297 --> 00:11:58,634 - Spell heliotrope! - Heliotrope, H-E-L-I-O-P-R-N-. 318 00:11:58,717 --> 00:12:00,803 - And Latin! - Latin, L-A-T-I-N. 319 00:12:00,886 --> 00:12:03,305 - Again! - Again, A-G-A-I-N. 320 00:12:03,389 --> 00:12:04,974 - You did it! You did it! That's great! 321 00:12:05,057 --> 00:12:08,894 - I think I know how to spell! What's happening here? 322 00:12:08,978 --> 00:12:12,773 The correct spelling of the turkey version of Tom 323 00:12:12,857 --> 00:12:15,234 is...T... 324 00:12:15,317 --> 00:12:18,571 O... 325 00:12:20,865 --> 00:12:23,993 H-M. [buzzer blares] 326 00:12:24,076 --> 00:12:26,412 - We were looking for T-O-M. 327 00:12:26,495 --> 00:12:28,747 - Oh, man. - Oh, my God. 328 00:12:28,831 --> 00:12:30,082 - Is someone challenging the spelling? 329 00:12:30,166 --> 00:12:32,543 T-O-H-M. Latin base, Latin roots. 330 00:12:32,626 --> 00:12:34,336 - Tom, your team is eliminated, 331 00:12:34,420 --> 00:12:37,631 and you owe us $300 for the microphone. 332 00:12:37,715 --> 00:12:40,968 Thank you, everyone, goodnight. 333 00:12:42,636 --> 00:12:44,555 - Well, that was embarrassing. - That was bad. 334 00:12:44,638 --> 00:12:46,015 - I'm so sorry, Priya Auntie. 335 00:12:46,098 --> 00:12:48,517 - I can't believe we flew 20 hours for this. 336 00:12:48,601 --> 00:12:50,269 - Hey, everybody, guess what? 337 00:12:50,352 --> 00:12:52,771 I bought pizzas and enough for everybody to have their own. 338 00:12:52,855 --> 00:12:55,065 - We lost, miserably. Why are we here? 339 00:12:55,149 --> 00:12:56,400 - We got annihilated. 340 00:12:56,484 --> 00:12:58,486 Look how disappointed my family is. 341 00:12:58,569 --> 00:13:00,696 - Look, life's not always about winning. 342 00:13:00,779 --> 00:13:04,325 And I know that sounds crazy, but sometimes losing, 343 00:13:04,408 --> 00:13:07,369 it literally builds more character. 344 00:13:07,453 --> 00:13:09,246 And I just, I want to thank you, Tom. 345 00:13:09,330 --> 00:13:12,166 Thank you for showing these kids what it's like to lose, 346 00:13:12,249 --> 00:13:15,294 and also what it's like to just be a loser. 347 00:13:15,377 --> 00:13:17,129 - Okay. - To hold your head up high, 348 00:13:17,213 --> 00:13:19,423 even though you know people call you 349 00:13:19,507 --> 00:13:21,634 a loser behind your back. Even the adults. 350 00:13:21,717 --> 00:13:23,594 - I don't know if they do that. - It's commendable. 351 00:13:23,677 --> 00:13:26,847 You push forward with the stench of failure upon you, 352 00:13:26,931 --> 00:13:28,390 and I just respect it. 353 00:13:28,474 --> 00:13:29,767 - All right, you know what, let's wrap this up. 354 00:13:29,850 --> 00:13:31,602 - Everybody, here's to Tom. 355 00:13:31,685 --> 00:13:33,229 all: To Tom! 356 00:13:33,312 --> 00:13:34,897 - And here's to losing. - Let's just do--just "to Tom." 357 00:13:34,980 --> 00:13:36,941 all: To losing! 358 00:13:37,024 --> 00:13:39,276 - Being a loser. 359 00:13:39,360 --> 00:13:41,570 - Hey, what's the bathroom situation here? 360 00:13:41,654 --> 00:13:43,489 - You're not literally peeing right now, are you? 361 00:13:43,572 --> 00:13:45,741 - I thought it was okay. 362 00:13:48,285 --> 00:13:50,329 [car door closes] 363 00:13:50,996 --> 00:13:52,081 - Hey Tom. We all miss you in band. 364 00:13:52,164 --> 00:13:53,832 - You miss me? - Yeah. 365 00:13:53,916 --> 00:13:55,876 - That's literally the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me. 366 00:13:55,960 --> 00:13:57,962 - That's the nicest? - It's top three. 367 00:13:58,045 --> 00:14:00,089 - That's so sad--you know what? - Well... 368 00:14:00,172 --> 00:14:02,091 - You should come to my birthday party this weekend. 369 00:14:02,174 --> 00:14:03,842 - Great, yeah, count me in. Thank you for the invite. 370 00:14:03,926 --> 00:14:05,427 - Technically, I'm not allowed to invite you, 371 00:14:05,511 --> 00:14:07,137 but you should come. - What does that mean? 372 00:14:07,221 --> 00:14:09,640 - 'Cause, you know, you're more of a secret friend. 373 00:14:09,723 --> 00:14:12,101 - Whoa, that's confusing. - Secret friend? Why secret? 374 00:14:12,184 --> 00:14:14,937 - My mom said I'm not allowed to interact with "your kind." 375 00:14:15,020 --> 00:14:16,355 It's not a big deal. 376 00:14:16,438 --> 00:14:18,399 - Sounds like a big deal. - Here's my solution. 377 00:14:18,482 --> 00:14:20,609 Tell my mom that you're the caterer's son. 378 00:14:20,693 --> 00:14:22,027 - Caterer's son? - Yeah. 379 00:14:22,111 --> 00:14:23,779 - I'm confused. I am invited, or I'm not? 380 00:14:23,862 --> 00:14:26,782 - No, you're definitely not invited, but I want you there. 381 00:14:26,865 --> 00:14:28,492 - What's the dress code? Just casual? 382 00:14:28,576 --> 00:14:32,121 - I'd say whatever you think a caterer's son would wear. 383 00:14:33,289 --> 00:14:36,667 - All right, here goes nothing. Whoa, nice party. 384 00:14:36,750 --> 00:14:38,127 - Wait, wait. - Woah, what's happening? 385 00:14:38,210 --> 00:14:40,212 - Tom? Did we invite you? 386 00:14:40,296 --> 00:14:42,798 - Oh, no, I'm not part of the party. 387 00:14:42,881 --> 00:14:43,966 My dad is the caterer. 388 00:14:44,049 --> 00:14:45,843 - Kevork is your father? 389 00:14:45,926 --> 00:14:48,137 - Kevork is my primary father. 390 00:14:48,220 --> 00:14:49,471 - I thought I heard a rumor 391 00:14:49,555 --> 00:14:51,098 that your dad was in Myrtle Beach. 392 00:14:51,181 --> 00:14:52,516 - He was. He's back. 393 00:14:52,600 --> 00:14:55,519 And he started a Lebanese catering company. 394 00:14:55,603 --> 00:14:57,521 - Are you all Lebanese? - We're not. 395 00:14:57,605 --> 00:15:00,441 He just thought it was a fun theme, a fun motif. 396 00:15:00,524 --> 00:15:01,692 Anyway, I'm gonna let myself in. 397 00:15:01,775 --> 00:15:03,360 All right. Hey, what up, Dad? 398 00:15:03,444 --> 00:15:04,528 - Oh, my God. 399 00:15:04,612 --> 00:15:07,823 [kids cheering] - Wow. 400 00:15:07,906 --> 00:15:11,160 I had no idea that this guy was so much fun! 401 00:15:11,243 --> 00:15:12,703 - Yeah, his name's Tom. 402 00:15:12,786 --> 00:15:14,747 We're in band together. We were, I mean. 403 00:15:14,830 --> 00:15:15,956 - Hey, you guys wanna see a backflip? 404 00:15:16,040 --> 00:15:17,291 - Yeah, Tom! Do it! 405 00:15:17,374 --> 00:15:18,667 - You wanna see a backflip, Dakota? 406 00:15:18,751 --> 00:15:20,169 - I mean, not as much as she does. 407 00:15:20,252 --> 00:15:21,503 - Do it, do it right now. Do it. 408 00:15:21,587 --> 00:15:24,298 - Do it, Tom! Show us a backflip! 409 00:15:24,381 --> 00:15:26,800 - All right, here-- - Oh, my God. 410 00:15:26,884 --> 00:15:28,761 - [groaning] What's happening? 411 00:15:28,844 --> 00:15:30,679 - Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. 412 00:15:30,763 --> 00:15:32,139 - Who is this guy? 413 00:15:32,222 --> 00:15:34,350 - What's up? - We have a problem, Tom. 414 00:15:34,433 --> 00:15:36,060 - Problem? - Some jewelry 415 00:15:36,143 --> 00:15:37,227 has gone missing, and your father 416 00:15:37,311 --> 00:15:39,021 is the one who took it. 417 00:15:39,104 --> 00:15:41,774 - My father? Kevork? - He stole. 418 00:15:41,857 --> 00:15:43,484 And now we'd like you to confront him. 419 00:15:43,567 --> 00:15:45,194 So we don't have to make a scene here. 420 00:15:45,277 --> 00:15:46,820 - Oh, no, he doesn't like to be bothered in the kitchen. 421 00:15:46,904 --> 00:15:48,405 - Thomas, when adults talk to you, 422 00:15:48,489 --> 00:15:51,533 you need to be respectful. - Bradley, shut up. 423 00:15:51,617 --> 00:15:53,035 We're gonna listen from the hall, 424 00:15:53,118 --> 00:15:55,704 and if he gets defensive, we'll come in. 425 00:15:55,788 --> 00:15:58,123 - Oh, no. - The safe word 426 00:15:58,207 --> 00:16:01,335 is bouillabaisse. - Bouillabaisse? 427 00:16:01,418 --> 00:16:03,587 How about something easier like cookie or ham? 428 00:16:03,671 --> 00:16:05,964 - No, we spent a lot on this party, for Christ's sake. 429 00:16:06,048 --> 00:16:09,051 I wanna have a very classy safe word. 430 00:16:10,511 --> 00:16:12,054 Now, don't screw it up. - Oh. 431 00:16:12,137 --> 00:16:15,224 - [muttering] - Okay, Pops, we need to talk. 432 00:16:15,307 --> 00:16:17,559 - Who are you, and why are you calling me Pops? 433 00:16:17,643 --> 00:16:18,936 - I'm the son. - Whose son? 434 00:16:19,019 --> 00:16:20,771 - It's your son, Tom. - No, no, no, no. 435 00:16:20,854 --> 00:16:22,064 I don't have Tom. 436 00:16:22,147 --> 00:16:24,066 - That's no way to talk to your main boy. 437 00:16:24,149 --> 00:16:26,527 - Main boy? I don't even know you. 438 00:16:26,610 --> 00:16:29,029 - He won't even acknowledge him as his own son. 439 00:16:29,113 --> 00:16:30,531 - It is not right. 440 00:16:30,614 --> 00:16:32,533 - That's what I just said if you had been listening. 441 00:16:32,616 --> 00:16:35,369 - Listen, if you stole something, just put it back. 442 00:16:35,452 --> 00:16:37,413 - Wait, wait. You accusing me of stealing? 443 00:16:37,496 --> 00:16:39,248 - Listen, as a family member, I'm trying to help. 444 00:16:39,331 --> 00:16:41,208 - You know how you can help? You can go over there 445 00:16:41,291 --> 00:16:44,253 to that corner over there and pull your little pants down 446 00:16:44,336 --> 00:16:46,255 and smack your little tush with a spatula. 447 00:16:46,338 --> 00:16:47,881 - [yelping] Bouillabaisse! 448 00:16:47,965 --> 00:16:49,758 Ham! Bouillabaisse, ham! 449 00:16:49,842 --> 00:16:52,219 - This job is beneath me! You kids are obnoxious. 450 00:16:52,302 --> 00:16:54,263 You know, why don't you cook your own food, all right? 451 00:16:54,346 --> 00:16:55,931 Your BLT or whatever you Americans do, your-- 452 00:16:56,014 --> 00:16:57,099 - Pops... 453 00:16:57,182 --> 00:16:58,976 - Organic soybeans and oat milk. 454 00:16:59,059 --> 00:17:00,769 - Dad, so you're not returning the watch? 455 00:17:00,853 --> 00:17:03,272 - I have not taken a watch! - Wow. 456 00:17:03,355 --> 00:17:04,815 This is not good at all. 457 00:17:04,898 --> 00:17:08,569 - Thanks for nothing, folks. Keep your filthy money. 458 00:17:08,652 --> 00:17:10,946 - Tom, aren't you leaving with your father? 459 00:17:11,029 --> 00:17:12,740 - Oh that's right. Oh, wait, wait up, Pops! 460 00:17:12,823 --> 00:17:14,241 - Suck a donkey's ding dong, kid. 461 00:17:14,324 --> 00:17:15,325 - Donkey's ding dong what? 462 00:17:15,409 --> 00:17:16,827 - What a monster! 463 00:17:16,910 --> 00:17:19,079 - All right, I'll see you at home. 464 00:17:19,163 --> 00:17:21,623 - Did your father just leave without you? 465 00:17:21,707 --> 00:17:23,459 - I think he did. That's upsetting. 466 00:17:23,542 --> 00:17:25,461 - Tom, come here. I just feel terrible 467 00:17:25,544 --> 00:17:26,754 for misjudging you all of these years. 468 00:17:26,837 --> 00:17:28,005 - Thank you. 469 00:17:28,088 --> 00:17:29,798 - I thought you were a little strange, 470 00:17:29,882 --> 00:17:32,426 but it's not your fault at all. Because you know what? 471 00:17:32,509 --> 00:17:34,595 You have an abusive situation at your home. 472 00:17:34,678 --> 00:17:36,054 - It explains a lot. 473 00:17:36,138 --> 00:17:38,057 - You just need a male role model in your life 474 00:17:38,140 --> 00:17:40,142 because you don't really have one. 475 00:17:40,225 --> 00:17:42,561 - No one supports me. I'm a good guy. 476 00:17:42,644 --> 00:17:45,063 - Oh! Tom should go on Dad's fishing trip with him! 477 00:17:45,147 --> 00:17:46,482 - Oh, no, no, no, no. 478 00:17:46,565 --> 00:17:48,484 - Oh, my God, that's a great idea, Brad. 479 00:17:48,567 --> 00:17:51,153 - No, it's a terrible idea. - It's a great idea. 480 00:17:51,236 --> 00:17:53,447 - He wouldn't even like that. What kids like fishing? 481 00:17:53,530 --> 00:17:54,990 - Honestly, it sounds like the trip of a lifetime. 482 00:17:55,073 --> 00:17:56,366 - You need to bring him along. 483 00:17:56,450 --> 00:17:58,285 - If he gets hurt, then we're liable. 484 00:17:58,368 --> 00:18:00,996 If--if he kills someone, we're liable-- 485 00:18:01,079 --> 00:18:02,289 - Great, it's decided. 486 00:18:02,372 --> 00:18:04,124 I'm gonna clear it with Tom's mom. 487 00:18:04,208 --> 00:18:06,585 Plus, Brad, your friends all teach at his school. 488 00:18:06,668 --> 00:18:08,754 - Can I just say one thing? - No. 489 00:18:08,837 --> 00:18:10,297 - One thing, I just want to-- - Brad, 490 00:18:10,380 --> 00:18:13,050 I don't wanna hear it. - [grumbles] 491 00:18:13,133 --> 00:18:14,927 - Hey, Tom. Tom's mom. 492 00:18:15,010 --> 00:18:16,345 - Hi, Dakota's dad. 493 00:18:16,428 --> 00:18:17,930 Thanks so much for including Tom! 494 00:18:18,013 --> 00:18:19,932 He's excited. - It was my wife's idea. 495 00:18:20,015 --> 00:18:22,893 You know, he doesn't have to go even. 496 00:18:22,976 --> 00:18:24,269 - Oh no, I'm looking forward to it. 497 00:18:24,353 --> 00:18:25,896 Can't wait. - Do you have 498 00:18:25,979 --> 00:18:29,525 any questions or concerns? I mean, there's gonna be 499 00:18:29,608 --> 00:18:32,277 a lot of drinking-- hard alcohol and whatnot. 500 00:18:32,361 --> 00:18:33,821 - No. - He'll be exposed to 501 00:18:33,904 --> 00:18:36,698 rough language and open sewage and... 502 00:18:36,782 --> 00:18:39,034 - Zero--is there a number I can reach you at? 503 00:18:39,117 --> 00:18:42,704 - Ooh, unfortunately, there's no cell service up there. 504 00:18:42,788 --> 00:18:44,498 We'll be completely off the grid. 505 00:18:44,581 --> 00:18:45,749 - Mm, well... 506 00:18:45,833 --> 00:18:47,125 sometimes you gotta let your kid 507 00:18:47,209 --> 00:18:48,418 off the grid, right, Tom? 508 00:18:48,502 --> 00:18:49,711 - What? - I don't get the house 509 00:18:49,795 --> 00:18:51,839 to myself a ton, so I'm excited. 510 00:18:51,922 --> 00:18:53,549 - All right, it's your child's funeral. 511 00:18:53,632 --> 00:18:54,716 Tom, just get in the car, then, 512 00:18:54,800 --> 00:18:56,927 if you're so hellbent on going. 513 00:18:57,010 --> 00:18:58,679 We're running late, so... 514 00:18:58,762 --> 00:19:02,558 - ♪ Give yourself another chance, my darling ♪ 515 00:19:02,641 --> 00:19:05,894 ♪ Don't be satisfied with second best ♪ 516 00:19:07,980 --> 00:19:10,274 - Tom's in the house. - Ah, what the shit. 517 00:19:10,357 --> 00:19:12,860 - Sorry, guys, Tom's joining us this year. 518 00:19:12,943 --> 00:19:15,028 - Doesn't this ruin the whole trip? 519 00:19:15,112 --> 00:19:16,738 - Not the warmest welcome. - It sucks. 520 00:19:16,822 --> 00:19:18,365 I tried to stop it. 521 00:19:18,448 --> 00:19:19,908 - Anyway, let's get started here. 522 00:19:19,992 --> 00:19:21,785 I need to just borrow some fishing equipment, 523 00:19:21,869 --> 00:19:23,787 and boots, and a hat, and a pole. 524 00:19:23,871 --> 00:19:25,998 - Tom, no one's doing any fishing. 525 00:19:26,081 --> 00:19:28,667 I mean, this is mostly about booze and grab-ass. 526 00:19:28,750 --> 00:19:30,210 - Brad, please! 527 00:19:30,294 --> 00:19:31,753 - Your wife didn't mention any of that. 528 00:19:31,837 --> 00:19:33,630 - Yeah, well, she's on a need-to-know basis. 529 00:19:33,714 --> 00:19:36,758 And Tom, on this trip you can call me "Double D." 530 00:19:36,842 --> 00:19:38,176 - Oh, for "Dakota's Dad"? - Sure. 531 00:19:38,260 --> 00:19:40,470 It's not because I like big boobs. 532 00:19:40,554 --> 00:19:42,556 - Big boobs, what does that have to do with Double D? 533 00:19:42,639 --> 00:19:45,392 - Tom, what you are about to witness this weekend 534 00:19:45,475 --> 00:19:48,395 stays in the group, never to be discussed 535 00:19:48,478 --> 00:19:51,940 outside of this inner sanctum of masculinity. 536 00:19:52,024 --> 00:19:53,734 - I feel like the trip's taking a weird turn. 537 00:19:53,817 --> 00:19:57,529 - It's called Bro Code, because guys don't rat on guys. 538 00:19:57,613 --> 00:20:00,657 Now let's make a pact by urinating in a circle. 539 00:20:00,741 --> 00:20:01,950 - What? - Oh, no. 540 00:20:02,034 --> 00:20:03,368 - Come on, man. - No. 541 00:20:03,452 --> 00:20:05,329 - Whip 'em out, guys. 542 00:20:05,412 --> 00:20:07,497 Who's in the mood for some tunes? 543 00:20:07,581 --> 00:20:09,458 - Yeah, I guess. - I guess so. 544 00:20:09,541 --> 00:20:10,876 - This is a little song I wrote 545 00:20:10,959 --> 00:20:13,378 called "My Wife Just Doesn't Get It." 546 00:20:13,462 --> 00:20:16,006 - Here we go. - ♪ My wife ♪ 547 00:20:16,089 --> 00:20:17,966 ♪ Just doesn't get it ♪ 548 00:20:18,050 --> 00:20:20,510 ♪ A pain inside my butt, yeah ♪ 549 00:20:20,594 --> 00:20:22,554 ♪ Her mouth will never shut, no, no ♪ 550 00:20:22,638 --> 00:20:24,264 - Weird subject matter, but-- 551 00:20:24,348 --> 00:20:26,808 - He's got nine other songs about his wife; it's crazy. 552 00:20:26,892 --> 00:20:30,228 - Hey, Tom, I don't want you to let how you see me here 553 00:20:30,312 --> 00:20:32,773 affect the way you view me as a principal. 554 00:20:32,856 --> 00:20:34,942 - Oh, no, it's Bro Code. This all stays here. 555 00:20:35,025 --> 00:20:38,236 - And, look, he's the one doing all the nasty stuff. 556 00:20:38,320 --> 00:20:41,240 We just come here to relax and have a few beers. 557 00:20:41,323 --> 00:20:43,116 - Yeah, he seems like he's working through some issues. 558 00:20:43,200 --> 00:20:45,661 - Come on, T, sing along! - All right, Brad, please stop. 559 00:20:45,744 --> 00:20:46,995 You're giving me a headache. 560 00:20:47,079 --> 00:20:49,164 - Oh, whatever. Eff this thing. 561 00:20:49,247 --> 00:20:51,333 No one appreciates my music anyway. 562 00:20:51,416 --> 00:20:52,793 [grunts] - Wow. 563 00:20:52,876 --> 00:20:54,836 - All right, come on, calm down, it's not the-- 564 00:20:54,920 --> 00:20:57,297 - We need to take this party up a notch, huh? 565 00:20:57,381 --> 00:21:02,177 I refuse to let a certain someone ruin my big weekend. 566 00:21:02,260 --> 00:21:03,595 - He's talking about me or his wife? 567 00:21:03,679 --> 00:21:05,097 - Tom, do me a favor, bro. 568 00:21:05,180 --> 00:21:08,392 I need your little feet to run up there. 569 00:21:08,475 --> 00:21:10,394 Grab me some booze, 570 00:21:10,477 --> 00:21:13,897 Cool Ranch Doritos, and a couple rubbers. 571 00:21:13,981 --> 00:21:15,565 - Brad, come on. - He's a big kid. 572 00:21:15,649 --> 00:21:17,317 He knows what's what, right, T?- 573 00:21:17,401 --> 00:21:19,319 - What are they? What am I looking for? 574 00:21:19,403 --> 00:21:22,030 - They're like, um, they're like sweaters for your penis. 575 00:21:22,114 --> 00:21:24,199 It does--it really does get chilly up here. 576 00:21:24,282 --> 00:21:27,369 - All right, let me go grab 'em. 577 00:21:27,452 --> 00:21:30,205 - Hey, while we wait, can one of you idiots 578 00:21:30,288 --> 00:21:31,999 jump in the lake and get my guitar? 579 00:21:32,082 --> 00:21:34,167 I need to go drop a deuce. 580 00:21:35,293 --> 00:21:37,462 - Why are we still friends with him? 581 00:21:37,546 --> 00:21:39,673 - I don't--you know what, I think that all the time. 582 00:21:39,756 --> 00:21:41,508 I don't know why. 583 00:21:41,591 --> 00:21:43,802 - Booze, Doritos, penis sweaters. 584 00:21:43,885 --> 00:21:45,053 All right, good to go. 585 00:21:45,137 --> 00:21:46,930 - Um, hello? Am I in the right place? 586 00:21:47,014 --> 00:21:48,307 I'm looking for DD. - Oh! 587 00:21:48,390 --> 00:21:50,642 Oh, Dakota's Dad. He's down by the lake 588 00:21:50,726 --> 00:21:51,810 singing a song about his wife. 589 00:21:51,893 --> 00:21:53,603 - Ugh, figures. 590 00:21:53,687 --> 00:21:56,440 - What are you doing? Can you stand? 591 00:21:56,523 --> 00:21:57,983 - You're adorable. 592 00:21:58,066 --> 00:22:00,152 - I gotta get back with the booze, but--oh, no-- 593 00:22:00,235 --> 00:22:01,737 Oh, no, don't lay down. What are you doing? 594 00:22:01,820 --> 00:22:03,697 - I'm just exhausted. It's just a factory. 595 00:22:03,780 --> 00:22:06,116 It's always, Rhonda, blow this, Rhonda, yank that. 596 00:22:06,199 --> 00:22:07,701 - Okay, off the couch. I have to go; I'm busy. 597 00:22:07,784 --> 00:22:10,454 - Twelve dongs a day, that's too many dongs! 598 00:22:10,537 --> 00:22:11,913 - It sounds like a very rough job, 599 00:22:11,997 --> 00:22:13,582 but I don't have time to chat. 600 00:22:13,665 --> 00:22:15,584 - Should be three dongs a day. - Please stop saying dong. 601 00:22:15,667 --> 00:22:17,794 This trip is much filthier than I was expecting. 602 00:22:17,878 --> 00:22:19,296 - Hey, hey, hey, hey, look at me. 603 00:22:19,379 --> 00:22:21,256 - Yeah? - Let's do something wholesome. 604 00:22:21,339 --> 00:22:23,467 - Sounds weird, but what do you want to do? 605 00:22:23,550 --> 00:22:25,218 - Let's make s'mores. 606 00:22:25,302 --> 00:22:27,387 - That's the first good idea I've heard. 607 00:22:27,471 --> 00:22:28,513 That sounds great. 608 00:22:28,597 --> 00:22:30,515 - I know! Let's divvy up the work. 609 00:22:30,599 --> 00:22:33,393 You make the s'mores and get the fire going. 610 00:22:33,477 --> 00:22:35,604 I'm just gonna crash on the couch. 611 00:22:35,687 --> 00:22:38,565 - That's divvying up, or that's me doing it all? 612 00:22:38,648 --> 00:22:40,984 - [snoring] 613 00:22:41,068 --> 00:22:42,819 - This one is called 614 00:22:42,903 --> 00:22:46,490 "Why Does My Wife Insist on Belittling Me in Public?" 615 00:22:46,573 --> 00:22:49,159 - You need to work on a couple of these song titles. 616 00:22:49,242 --> 00:22:51,286 - ♪ Why ♪ 617 00:22:51,369 --> 00:22:54,039 ♪ Does my wife ♪ 618 00:22:54,122 --> 00:22:57,417 ♪ Insist on belittling me ♪ 619 00:22:57,501 --> 00:22:59,628 ♪ In front of our friends ♪ 620 00:22:59,711 --> 00:23:02,756 - How many times are you gonna say "wife" in a song? 621 00:23:02,839 --> 00:23:05,300 - She's not singing songs about him, I guarantee it. 622 00:23:05,384 --> 00:23:08,136 - ♪ In a public place, I'm a big disgrace ♪ 623 00:23:08,220 --> 00:23:10,263 [indistinct chatter on television] 624 00:23:10,347 --> 00:23:12,140 - Rhonda, the fire's not starting. 625 00:23:12,224 --> 00:23:13,558 Rhonda, can you wake up? 626 00:23:13,642 --> 00:23:15,143 The lighter fluid says keep away from children. 627 00:23:15,227 --> 00:23:16,478 Can you just give it a quick squirt? 628 00:23:16,561 --> 00:23:18,063 - [snoring] 629 00:23:18,146 --> 00:23:20,816 - I have to do everything on this trip. 630 00:23:20,899 --> 00:23:22,150 Oh, no! Oh, no. 631 00:23:22,234 --> 00:23:24,152 Rhonda, please. Flames. 632 00:23:24,236 --> 00:23:27,155 Come on, for God's sake. How tired can you possibly be? 633 00:23:28,323 --> 00:23:30,075 Don't panic, Tom. How do you work this thing? 634 00:23:30,158 --> 00:23:31,451 [line trilling] 635 00:23:31,535 --> 00:23:33,120 - Brad? - Oh, 911? 636 00:23:33,203 --> 00:23:35,622 - I thought cell phones didn't work up there. 637 00:23:35,705 --> 00:23:37,165 - Dakota's mom? - Tom? 638 00:23:37,249 --> 00:23:38,917 - The cabin's kind of on fire. 639 00:23:39,000 --> 00:23:40,293 - Thomas, what are you talking about? 640 00:23:40,377 --> 00:23:41,920 - The lady friend's purse is on fire. 641 00:23:42,003 --> 00:23:43,672 - Oh, my God, Thomas, slow down. 642 00:23:43,755 --> 00:23:45,382 Where are you? - I can't tell you where I am. 643 00:23:45,465 --> 00:23:46,842 - Where's my husband? 644 00:23:46,925 --> 00:23:48,343 - Unfortunately, I can't divulge that. 645 00:23:48,426 --> 00:23:50,178 - What does that even mean? - It's a code. 646 00:23:50,262 --> 00:23:51,888 We pissed in a circle. - What? 647 00:23:51,972 --> 00:23:53,056 - Oh, my God, we're going to burn down. 648 00:23:53,140 --> 00:23:54,683 I've already said too much. 649 00:23:54,766 --> 00:23:57,018 - I'm getting in the car. I'll be there in 40 minutes. 650 00:23:57,102 --> 00:23:58,645 - Don't come. - Oh, my God, 651 00:23:58,728 --> 00:24:00,939 I can't find my car keys. - Goodbye. 652 00:24:01,022 --> 00:24:02,899 Rhonda, no job is that exhausting. 653 00:24:02,983 --> 00:24:06,111 [siren whoops] - Okay, folks, fire's out. 654 00:24:06,194 --> 00:24:07,696 Looks like it started in the fireplace, 655 00:24:07,779 --> 00:24:09,823 then some pervert for some reason had a shitload 656 00:24:09,906 --> 00:24:12,159 of rubbers in the pantry. Those lit up like tinder. 657 00:24:12,242 --> 00:24:14,161 You know, those are good for fucking, bad for fires. 658 00:24:14,244 --> 00:24:15,871 Just a little fire tip there for you. 659 00:24:15,954 --> 00:24:17,622 Okay, you folks be safe now. 660 00:24:17,706 --> 00:24:19,166 - All right, I want the truth. 661 00:24:19,249 --> 00:24:21,293 What exactly happened here? 662 00:24:21,376 --> 00:24:23,795 - You know, just hanging out. Fishing. 663 00:24:23,879 --> 00:24:25,672 - Yeah, I caught a bass. 664 00:24:25,755 --> 00:24:28,049 - Oh, my God, you guys are useless. 665 00:24:28,133 --> 00:24:30,802 Tom. - Me? 666 00:24:30,886 --> 00:24:33,054 - I need to know what exactly happened. 667 00:24:33,138 --> 00:24:34,723 - Uh, well, from what I know... 668 00:24:34,806 --> 00:24:38,018 the guys were fishing and singing some fun songs. 669 00:24:38,101 --> 00:24:39,936 - Yeah? - And Rhonda took a nap-- 670 00:24:40,020 --> 00:24:41,271 - Who the hell is Rhonda? 671 00:24:41,354 --> 00:24:43,648 - She's with my dad's catering company. 672 00:24:43,732 --> 00:24:45,775 - What's up? - She's in charge of the meat. 673 00:24:45,859 --> 00:24:47,402 Is that a job at a catering company? 674 00:24:47,485 --> 00:24:49,112 - You know what? I'm tired of this. 675 00:24:49,196 --> 00:24:50,906 Tom, you're back on my list. 676 00:24:50,989 --> 00:24:52,449 - Back on the list? No. 677 00:24:52,532 --> 00:24:56,411 - And, Bradley, you're driving yourself home. 678 00:24:57,787 --> 00:25:01,958 [pop music on radio] 679 00:25:02,042 --> 00:25:04,920 - Hey, I'm proud of you, Tom. - Thank you, Double D. 680 00:25:05,003 --> 00:25:08,298 - Being a man isn't about fishing or camaraderie. 681 00:25:08,381 --> 00:25:11,426 It's about lying. And you seem like a natural. 682 00:25:11,509 --> 00:25:13,803 - Thank you, Double D. - When you're old enough, 683 00:25:13,887 --> 00:25:15,472 you should join us on the trip. 684 00:25:15,555 --> 00:25:17,140 - I think I got my fill. - I'm with Tom. 685 00:25:17,224 --> 00:25:18,767 I'll just go ahead and pass too. 686 00:25:18,850 --> 00:25:20,602 You can count me out. - Yeah, we've been meaning 687 00:25:20,685 --> 00:25:22,520 to say something for, like, ten years now. 688 00:25:22,604 --> 00:25:25,273 We--we really don't like you, Brad. 689 00:25:25,357 --> 00:25:28,068 - Wow. That's a lot to take in. 690 00:25:28,151 --> 00:25:30,528 Reminds me of a song I've been working on actually. 691 00:25:30,612 --> 00:25:32,155 - Oh, sh-- - [groans] 692 00:25:32,239 --> 00:25:35,033 - ♪ My friends, they all are pussies ♪ 693 00:25:35,116 --> 00:25:36,826 ♪ And they don't know how to party ♪ 694 00:25:36,910 --> 00:25:38,578 ♪ Yeah, they don't know ♪ - This is the worst one yet. 695 00:25:38,662 --> 00:25:39,955 I don't want to be in one of his songs. 696 00:25:40,038 --> 00:25:41,456 - At least his wife ain't in it. 697 00:25:41,539 --> 00:25:43,208 - ♪ My friends, they all are pussies ♪ 698 00:25:43,291 --> 00:25:45,043 ♪ No, they can't keep up with me ♪ 699 00:25:45,126 --> 00:25:46,836 ♪ No, they can't keep up with me ♪ 700 00:25:46,920 --> 00:25:48,338 ♪ Such a damn tragedy ♪ 701 00:25:48,421 --> 00:25:51,216 - I should really go home or check-in or something. 702 00:25:51,299 --> 00:25:53,635 This is really pushing the limits. 703 00:25:53,718 --> 00:25:55,053 ♪ ♪ 704 00:25:55,136 --> 00:25:56,972 - ♪ Remember there's more road ♪ 705 00:25:57,055 --> 00:25:58,974 ♪ And places to go ♪ 706 00:25:59,057 --> 00:26:01,142 ♪ Patterns to contemplate ♪ 707 00:26:01,226 --> 00:26:02,978 ♪ More people to fornicate ♪ 708 00:26:03,061 --> 00:26:06,147 ♪ And remember there's a lot of good omens ♪ 709 00:26:06,231 --> 00:26:07,774 ♪ Supplying the proof ♪ 710 00:26:07,857 --> 00:26:11,444 ♪ That our life is the best joke ever told ♪ 711 00:26:11,528 --> 00:26:15,156 ♪ Remember it's a joke and leave it alone ♪ 712 00:26:15,240 --> 00:26:19,577 ♪ Let go and try to be always abiding ♪ 713 00:26:19,661 --> 00:26:23,832 ♪ Remember if there's one good reason for dying ♪ 714 00:26:23,915 --> 00:26:25,709 ♪ The sweet silver lining ♪ 715 00:26:25,792 --> 00:26:27,961 ♪ Through you she lives on ♪ 716 00:26:28,044 --> 00:26:31,881 ♪ And therein lies a truth we can sip when we want ♪ 717 00:26:31,965 --> 00:26:35,510 ♪ Disciples of the flow, we can float anywhere ♪