- Dear Lord, deliver this baby into the world
clean of any priors did inflicted upon its soul.
- Mom, this is not helping.
- Breathe out your sins and breathe in his glory.
- Enough with the Bible bullshit.
- Keep pushing, Maggie.
The doctor's on his way.
(Maggie grunts)
- Keep pushing, Max.
I don't know what you're pushing, but push.
- Just give me a knife and I'll cut it out myself.
- Remember your breathing, just in through your nose,
out through your mouth.
Good.
Remember your breathing.
Good, good.
- Shit!
(phone rings)
(Max vomits)
- [Narrator] Three months earlier.
(phone rings)
- What?
Yeah, I...
(Max sighs)
Kyle, I know.
It's 8:00 p.m.
Oh God.
Yeah, that's the fifth time.
Work is gonna fire my ass.
(Max sighs)
Uh-huh.
Beer night.
I've got a date.
I can't.
What's the point?
Gotta figure out my life.
I gotta figure out where my pants are.
Hold on.
Yeah.
All right.
Give me 20.
Bring Tylenol and vodka.
Vodka takes priority.
(Max scoffs)
(Max vomits)
(uplifting music)
- [Narrator] "Womb Envy."
(chair clanks)
- God, I need to clean.
Ugh!
Goldie Pro, my most beautiful goldfish,
when did you die?
(Max knocks)
But the wig still looks fabulous.
(Maggie knocks)
Uh, he's fast.
(Max moans)
(Maggie knocks)
(soft jazz music)
Kyle, I said, "Give me 20."
(Maggie knocks) (gentle jazz music)
(Max sighs)
- Max.
Oh my God, Max.
- [Max] Uh, Maggie.
- Oh, it's been like, what?
10 years.
I didn't even know if I'd recognize you.
Do you always answer the door in your underwear?
- Oh my God, I forgot my clothes at the orgy again.
Uh, sorry, come in.
Make yourself at home.
- Thanks.
- Um!
- Wow, it looks like a Lady Gaga video in here,
just a little gayer,
which I didn't know was possible. (chuckles)
- Um!
- Uh, sorry to stop by unexpected.
I got your address and I thought I'd come by
and say hi to my old best friend.
- Uh, yeah, let me, you know, find a dry pair of pants.
- Oh.
No need for your Sunday best.
I've seen it all before.
- [Max] Why are you in town now?
- Just reasons.
Oh, I forgot how tall the CN Tower is,
like really tall.
Can you see it from anywhere in the city?
I feel like you could see it from anywhere in the city.
- [Max] Um, how long did you say it's been?
- Oh, since you abandoned me in Elliot Lake, about 10 years.
- I did not abandon you.
We both planned on moving to Toronto.
- And you did without me.
Just like when you saw "The Butterfly Effect" without me
and look what's happened since.
But we really should have kept in better touch.
- What was I gonna do?
FaceTime you?
- (chuckles) Nothing worse than a surprise FaceTime.
Yeah.
I watch all your stories on Instagram though.
Lots of fun parties.
- (chuckles) I delete most in the morning.
- It's been a while
since you've given me a like on Facebook.
(Max laughs)
(Maggie chuckles)
- Oh, you're serious.
You still use Facebook.
Um.
(jaunty music)
- We were really good friends.
- [Max] We were.
- Your twenties looked busy.
- Ah, as the, um, great poet Theodor Seuss once said,
"Oh, the places you'll go."
(Maggie laughs)
- It's very difficult to keep the line
between the past and the present.
- "Grey Gardens."
Oh my God!
We used to love that movie.
- [Both] Mother wanted me to come out in a kimono.
We had quite a fight.
(both laughing)
- You really do look like shit though.
- Oh, the shade!
- Am I not in the light?
Can you see me?
- I see you haven't been keeping up
with your gay references.
- I know what shade is, stupid slut.
Elliot Lake is very progressive now.
We had the world's first lesbian beaver wedding.
- Pam and Beaver Lee finally got married.
- But yeah, I only get my references from "Drag Race" now.
- I don't remember you being into cars.
Stupid slut.
(joyful music)
Uh, you look-
- The same.
I know.
Elliot Lake is a bit of a time capsule.
Uh, so where's this gorgeous hunk of a man
you always talked about dating?
- Oh, I um...
Yeah.
That hasn't really worked out yet.
- Oh, but look at you,
gorgeous and still so charming
and someone's been going to the gym.
- Uh, it's just to look good for the steam room.
Oh, uh, can I take your coat?
- Uh, no.
No, thank you.
(Maggie clears her throat)
Um, do you have anything to eat though?
I'm starving. (laughs)
- Uh, yeah, there's um nothing in the fridge.
Um...
Oh, I've got some leftover Chinese food.
I didn't put it in the fridge, but it's all yours.
- Okay.
I'm gonna throw up.
- Uh, it looks fine to me.
- I'm gonna throw up.
(Max gags)
- No, please don't.
If you throw up, then I'll throw up.
I'm, I'm very hungover.
- It's 8:00 p.m.
- Oh, I know.
(Max exhales) (Maggie groans)
- Max, I'm pregnant and I'm gonna barf right now.
Garbage can now! - Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Uh!
Uh here.
(both gagging)
(Maggie vomits)
Oh!
Yeah.
(Maggie vomits)
(Maggie sighs)
Well, you've got that, what, eight month glow?
- I am only six.
Don't rush this.
- I'm sorry.
Please stop crying.
- I started thinking about you and us
and how you got out
and (sobs) I can't go back there, Max.
I can't (sobs) always be a small town Canadian girl
with a small town Canadian husband
and a small town Canadian baby.
Oh God.
My baby's gonna like Nickelback.
Nickelback, Max!
- Ugh!
- [Maggie] I know.
- Uh!
(Kyle knocks) (Maggie sobs)
Um, that's my friend Kyle.
Um, I'll get rid of him.
- Um, no, Max, I need to tell you something.
- Don't worry.
We'll have all night to talk
just you and me, I promise.
Okay?
- Uh, but Max, wait, Max.
(Kyle knocks)
(Dorothy chuckles)
- Dorothy. - Praise the Lord.
Maxwell, the father of my grandson.
Oh, come here.
Come here.
- Mom, who said it was a boy.
- Oh!
(Max groans)
It was always God's divine plan
that you two should end up back together.
(Max groans)
- Get her off me.
- Max, you remember my mother.
- Of course.
Was the drive long?
- Oh, not too terrible.
Some of the drivers on the road,
once we got in the city,
not to stereotype, but atheists really can't drive.
- Oh!
(vibrator buzzes)
- Oh goodness.
It sounds like a (indistinct) in here.
- No.
Do you need to go to the bathroom?
- Oh yes, desperately.
Where?
Where's?
- [Max] Um, right here.
- Oh!
(Maggie laughs)
- Really?
Who keeps a vibrator in their living room?
- Explain.
- Watch what you point that thing.
I told her you're the father and we're engaged.
I've gotta clean this place up.
- Oh, oh, okay, I'm glad it's for a totally logical reason.
- Yeah.
Well, I just need you to play a Christian couple
for a little while
while I sort things out with her.
Okay?
- When did she become a televangelist?
- I don't know.
She's born again.
Uh, ew.
Um, a used condom.
Okay, we need to give your apartment a hetero makeover.
Um.
Trade this gorgeous framed photo of Bea Arthur
for this portrait of the big man
I found at Dollarama.
- [Max] Oh!
- This dildo definitely has to go.
How does this even turn off?
Is it twist off, button, switch.
Voice, is it?
Dildo turn off.
- Where are you taking Dorothy?
- You named your sex toy after my mother.
- Bea Arthur, the frame you took.
What is he happening right now?
- You owe me.
- By going back into the closet.
This is not some bad sitcom.
This is my life.
- I'm calling in my debt.
I played girlfriend too for years in high school.
That was prime time for my tits.
It's your turn now.
- Well, your tits still look amazing.
- Thank you.
(Max grunts)
I need help.
It's your call.
(Dorothy clears her throat)
- (chuckles) I don't mean to come into your home
and start nitpicking,
but that bathroom is a mess, Max.
It smells like something died in there.
- I'm sorry, Dorothy.
Um...
She has been asking me to clean it for ages,
but you know how we heterosexual males are.
(everyone laughs)
- You always were a jokester, weren't you?
A great trait to have in a husband.
- Thank you.
- For now.
- Oh, what a gorgeous painting.
Where did you get this?
It's as if the artist's hands were guided by God himself.
- Yes.
He thrust himself unto me in aisle five,
right by the scented candles.
(Dorothy chuckles)
- Funny, it's exactly the same as the one my pastor has.
- Oh, what a coincidence.
- [Kyle] Come on, Parkdale.
Let's get up in this gig,
girl - Kyle.
Uh, Kyle.
Um...
- Uh. (clears throat)
Okay.
(record scratches)
- Whoa! (chuckles)
Come on, white party.
It's calling for a snowstorm.
(record scratches)
Come on, sex dungeon swing.
Let's get prolapsed.
(record scratches)
Would I entrust you in some bath salts?
(Kyle knocks)
- What the!
- What was that?
- Night mailman?
- Night mailman.
- City thing.
- Oh.
We must get started on the wedding reception plans.
Maggie told me you're so busy at work.
That's why you haven't visited
or made any attempt to see me.
So leave it in our hands.
- Goodbye porn.
- [Dorothy] I've got great ideas.
- Goodbye pride flag.
Goodbye autographed copy of Celine Dion's Eurovision single.
(Max gasps)
Goodbye Thor.
I think I'll miss you most of all.
(bells chiming)
- Goodbye grinder.
Uh, goodbye scruff.
Goodbye Starbucks, glory hole.
- [Max] Oh, what!
- I didn't know you felt so strongly about hydrangeas.
Lilies it is.
- Lilies, a funeral Flower.
How fitting for the death of your gay life.
Besides, I absolutely love hydrangeas.
- [Max] Who are you?
- Oh, you finally noticed me.
Hmm, typical self-obsessed gay.
(clears throat) Who am I?
Yeah, just your average drag queen manifestation
caused by your rapidly splintering queer ego,
better known as an imaginary friend.
Room for one more. (laughs)
(upbeat music)
- [Narrator] "Womb Envy" is created by Champagna,
written by Mark Keller
produced by Charlie David, directed by Jake Horowitz.
Cinematography by Paul Maxwell.
"Womb Envy" is produced and distributed
by Border2Border Entertainment
in association with AMI and LTV.
Integrated described video by AMI.
Featuring Daniel Fernandes, Storm Steenson
Jeffrey Haase, Helen Holtham, Champagna, and Luke Avoledo.
(upbeat music)
♪ Bitch I ain't the one
♪ He don't want love
♪ He just wanna fuck
♪ Ow, little vacation
♪ Check it 'til we naked
♪ Talking with our tongues
♪ We just having, we just having fun ♪
- [Narrator] Copyright 2023 Border2Border Entertainment.
(water splashes)