(button clicks)
- [Voice Over] The night before Maggie arrived.
- [Kyle] Okay. Hey, hey.
Hey, when the bouncer's kicking us out,
don't say "Choke me, daddy."
- But then, why did daddy choke?
(Kyle chuckles)
- Because we are banned next time.
Oh. Nope. Nope, nope.
- Okay.
(Max gasps) Kyle. Kyle.
Kyle.
I'm falling.
- No. No. Hey.
Okay. - No.
- Don't fall. Don't. We're almost at your apartment.
(Max groans)
- I can't make it.
(Max moans)
(Max groans)
- Every single time.
- No. No.
- And you wonder why the bathroom stall graffiti
says "Messy Max", with your phone number.
- I put the phone number there.
(keys jingle)
- [Kyle] Home sweet home
(Max grunts)
- Shoes-ies off-sies, please.
Thanks.
- I'm gonna make you a coffee.
(Max scoffs)
- [Max] You don't know how to make coffee.
- You're right.
(car horn honks)
(pour, stir)
(beer lid crack)
(chugs beer)
- Crushed it, bro.
- Coffee is ready.
Ah!
That can almost hit me.
Where did that beer come from?
- Floor beer.
- Okay.
(Max chuckles)
Oh, where did your clothes go?
- Mm, floor clothes.
- And,
only a little bit of whiskey
to this delicious coffee.
- Is this beer, or did I pee myself?
(Kyle chuckles)
- Okay. I am gonna go.
- Where are you going?
- Home. It is 3AM.
(Max groans)
(Kyle chuckles)
(smooch sound)
- I knew you'd to come back for me.
- Sleep well, my darling.
You're a mess, but,
you're my mess.
Oh, no.
Goldie Prom, the goldfish, died.
- What?
- We will have a funeral when you sober up.
- Stay...
- Okay. What?
So I can watch you throw up that last PBR.
No, thank you.
(Kyle sighs)
Don't miss work tomorrow.
It'll be the fifth time.
I love you.
And don't throw up in the bathroom again.
(blows kiss)
- Throw up?
I don't have to... (retches)
(chuckles) I don't have... (retches)
(breathes deeply) I have to throw up.
(Max groans)
- [Voice Over] Womb Envy.
(Max throws up)
Present day.
- God, I could really use a drink.
- Max. You already have a drink.
- Not coffee,
like a drink, drink.
- Oh, right.
Sorry.
It's been a while.
- Since...?
- Since I've had a drink, drink.
- What do you mean?
- I don't drink,
alcohol.
- Because of your disability.
Of course?
- No, I'm an alcoholic.
- Oh, you're...
Well, that's a good reason not to drink.
- Yeah, I'd agree.
- Actually, just started on the sober path.
- Wow, that's great.
How long?
- About 24...
Hours, Patrick.
(Patrick laughs)
- [Patrick] Congratulations.
- Thank you. Thank you.
It's been a long road, but I'm here.
(both chuckle)
I'm just trying it out for a bit.
Also, noticed a bit of a beer belly situation going on.
- What started this?
- [Max] Oh, I usually start with white wine spritzers
and then vodka sodas 'cause I'm basic,
and then a few PBRs.
- No, I meant the break from booze.
- [Max] Oh, Maggie's idea.
She thought I was partying too much.
- And you got a baby coming.
- Yeah, the baby.
My baby.
With its little webbed feet.
- So how did you and Maggie meet?
- We...
We've been friends forever, since high school.
We've always had this kind of immediate bond, like family.
- [Patrick] And now you're about to start one of your own.
- Yeah, we separated for a long time.
And she was just kind of part of my past.
And then we reconnected,
and bam, Baby.
- Amazing.
- Yeah, baby with my high school bestie.
What a gay cliche?
- A what?
- Aah...
You know, happy, cliche.
- [Patrick] Yeah.
- Grandpa Hermann really influenced the way I speak.
What about you?
Are you going steady with anyone?
- No, but one day I'd like to have a family of my own.
- So, go find a girl and do it.
I'm sure the ladies are all over you.
- Yeah, but too bad they're barking up the wrong tree.
- Why? What kind of tree are you?
- A gay tree.
- What? You?
Ah, a willow if you will? Low.
Ah, you struck me as more of an, oak.
- Well, shock me, shock me, shock me
with that deviant behavior.
- Stop.
Empire Records is my all time favorite nineties movie.
- [Patrick] I actually celebrate...
- Rex Manning Day.
- [Patrick] Yes!
- [Together] Oh, Rexy. You're so sexy.
- The thing about Maggie and I... (retches)
The thing about Maggie and I... (retches)
- [Patrick] Max, are you okay?
- Um. It's another earthquake.
Really shakes up my bladder.
I need to pee, again.
(Max throws up)
(spits)
(twinkling sound)
(Max heaves)
- God, you throw up more than the exorcist being exercised.
- [Max] Ugh, I'm not getting rid of you, am I?
- Are you talking to me or that baby bump you've got going.
(The Divine laughs)
- [Max] Oh, shut up.
- I mean, you've gotta wonder why you're in here
praying to the porcelain gods, instead of out there
with that hunka, hunka burning love.
- [Max] I really like him,
and he's gaaay (heaves)
Oh. What is happening to me?
(twinkling sound)
- [The Divine] Let's take stock, shall we?
You've lost your slender physique,
you're throwing up your morning croissants.
You're emotionally all over the place.
Why else would I be here?
Girl,
I'd say you are with child.
- In case you haven't noticed, I'm a man.
- Okay. Firstly, we need to talk about your POV on gender.
That's embarrassing.
Secondly, haven't you heard of Couvade syndrome?
God, educate your damn self sometimes.
- I failed science class.
- (mocking tone) Don't you mean Biology?
- No, just science.
- [The Divine] Let's check the Google, okay?
Couvade syndrome, also known as sympathetic pregnancy,
is a condition in which a partner
experiences the same symptoms and behaviors
as an expectant mother,
including, but not limited to,
minor weight gain,
altered hormone levels, and...
Nausea.
- No, this is...
- It is.
- I'm not?
- You are.
- I can?
- You can.
(The Divine laughs)
- Mazel Tov.
- Mother... (retches)
(Max throws up)
(The Divine laughs)
- You're nasty.
- Max?
- Goodbye abs.
Goodbye Twunk-ish body. (burps)
Goodbye seeing you every day, medium Max.
- Medium?
(jaunty music)
- Hi. I think this jacket belongs to my friend.
- Oh.
(water runs)
(faucet closes)
Why was I throwing up in the bathroom?
Yeah, that sounded gross.
Just a little morning sickness.
And you know how it is?
Yeah, no. I don't know how it is, freak.
Oh, and I am gay and in love with you.
You're gay!?
Wanna hit this?
No.
- Oh, excuse me.
Hello.
(mug rattles) - Oh, God!
I'm so clumsy.
Sorry.
(slaps face) - Snap out of it!
(percussion music)
- Yeah. Oh.
Yeah, that's good.
Rub that out right there.
Good. You're really good at this.
- What the...
- Oh, thanks. Chivalry really is dead.
- Is that?
- Kyle on his knees?
- [Max] With Patrick?
- [The Divine] Whipping him up?
- [Together] In a coffee shop?
- Kyle!
- Max.
- Hold me back.
(thuds to the floor)
She didn't hold me back?
- Max, what are you doing?
- I spilled coffee on him.
- Ah.
- [Together] How do you guys know each other?
- What are you doing here?
- [Kyle] Oh, you didn't respond to my text
for like two days, so I checked Find My Friends.
If you remember we downloaded it,
after you got lost at Hyde Park.
Couldn't let that capybara out of its enclosure.
- Oh, so you're stalking me?
- So I'm worried about my best friend.
So sorry.
- Hi, I'm Patrick.
- This is Kyle.
He's an old buddy, from the club.
- Old?
Okay. (Kyle chuckles)
Wait, "buddy"?
- Please leave, Kyle.
- [Kyle] Really?
So, these are your greetings and salutations to me
after literally shoving me out of your apartment last night.
Who was that hoe, anyway?
- That was Maggie.
You know Maggie?
- I think I would know if you had another friend.
But you,
you'd be very hard to forget.
Who the hell are you?
- [Patrick] I'm Max's lam...
- Ah-mazing instructor.
Life coach and stuff.
Kyle, I don't want you here.
- Are you feeling threatened?
'Cause don't worry, I'm not gonna...
- [Max] Please, Kyle. Leave.
Kyle, leave.
(both chuckle)
- You know?
I thought it was just hangover remorse
when you started wondering what the point of it all was.
But, if this is some conversion to the light,
and I'm not included, don't be surprised
when that little blue bubble doesn't appear
when you text me at 2AM because you lost your keys, again.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have some insanely fabulous plans to get to
that clearly don't involve you.
It was lovely to meet you, Trade.
You got fat.
- [Patrick] Ah...
Do you wanna get outta here?
- [Max] Yeah, I really do.
(church bells ring)
I'm so sorry.
For some reason I thought Kyle was...
I don't know what I thought.
- You don't need to explain, Max.
I know who that was.
- You do?
- I do.
- I wasn't trying to to lie.
- He's your enabler.
- Oh.
Right. Yeah, I guess so.
So enabling.
I appreciate the help with the Lamaze class and Maggie,
but, I don't have a problem.
- No?
I heard you throwing up in the bathroom.
- Are your senses heightened,
(whispers) because of the blindness?
- Firstly, not blind.
Secondly, yes.
But also, the whole cafe heard.
Withdrawal can be a bitch.
- Ah. Withdrawal explains a lot.
- Listen, I totally get it.
I used to get into fights,
and I had a bottle thrown at me one time,
and a piece of glass went in my working eye.
I was totally blind for nine months,
and I needed all the strength I had
to get through the surgeries.
And that's when I decided to get help.
Don't wait until you have no other choice.
- I'm not. It, I'm...
- If you're not gonna do it for yourself,
then think about Maggie,
and that awesome little person you're about to meet.
- Why are you trying to help me?
- I have an offer for you.
- An offer?
- Will you come to AA with me?
- Oh.
- I promise it's not gonna be as scary as you might think.
- Will there be donuts?
There's always donuts on TV, and I am craving a donut.
- Well, there's a meeting about to start right now.
- Right now?
As in the right now, that's right now?
- Take a deep breath in through the nose.
(breathes out) Exhale through the mouth.
Need that hand.
♪ Kind of love - Help me, Jesus.
♪ A different kind of love
- [Voice Over] Womb Envy is created by Champagna,
written by Mark Keller, produced by Charlie David,
directed by Jake Horowitz,
with cinematography by Paul Maxwell.
Womb Envy is produced and distributed
by Border2Border Entertainment,
in association with AMI and OUTtv.
Integrated described video by AMI.
Featuring Daniel Fernandes, Storm Steenson
Jeffrey Haase, Helen Holtham, Champagna,
and Luke Avoledo.
(fun music)
Copyright 2023, Border2Border Entertainment.
(water splashes)