- Oh.
- [Recording] Max, I would appreciate a reply to this,
my 43rd attempt at reaching you.
I have been praying for reconciliation.
Do not make my angels or God or whoever answers prayers
work harder than they need to.
- [Voicemail] Next message.
- [Recording] Hey Max, it's Kyle.
Can't believe I'm leaving a voicemail
so I still think you're a jerk, but no one's seen you
in a while and I guess I still care if you're alive.
So call a bitch.
I'm worried about you and I need my douche back.
Okay, thanks, bye.
- [Voicemail] Next message.
- [Recording] Hey, it's Patrick calling again
and I'll keep calling until I hear back.
I hope you're okay.
If, if you're, whatever state you're in,
I'll find help for you.
Reach out.
- [Voicemail] End of new messages.
- I never thought I'd say this, but you need Maggie.
Mary, look at you full term pregnant and a God damn mess.
We haven't seen the floor in weeks.
Smells like the inside of a pickle jar
and I'm pretty sure something's alive
under one of those pizza boxes.
Heck, I need Maggie.
Look at me.
Look at me!
Ugh, I'm just as preggers as you, this is a real pickle.
- So are this.
She left me, mm-hm.
It's her loss, I don't even care.
Doesn't affect me at all.
- So I guess we're still in this denial phase.
- The only thing I'm denying is saying anything wrong.
I merely just told her how I felt and she was all dramatic.
- Are you sure you weren't the one being dramatic?
- I am never dramatic.
- Dramatic times call for dramatic measures.
I didn't wanna do this, but this has gone on too long.
- Do what?
- Fasten your seatbelt, kid.
- It probably won't fit.
Wait, what seatbelt?
- It's the Christmas Carol episode.
(Divine farts)
That was the chair.
- No!
- [Narrator] "Womb Envy."
- So what do you think of the costume?
I got it at the cutest-
- What are we doing here?
- I'm the ghost of Christmas past, obvi.
- So?
- So, this is the past.
Wow, I see why you failed history twice.
- Okay, but what are we doing in Tune Town?
- Lessons, learning from your past, all of that.
Oh, I need a xanny, time travel really takes it out of me.
- Why, you're imaginary.
- And you're rude.
- Christmas Carol episodes have been done
to death and it's not even December.
- Well, like you said, this is your imagination
and Christmas is the gayest holiday.
Other than Groundhog Day, obviously.
Hold my purse, I'll take care of this.
- Promise I'll pay you back.
You guys aren't allowed back here.
Yo, bro.
Why'd you push me?
- I didn't push you, bro.
- Yes you did, bro.
You just- - I was standing right there.
- Bro, bro, bro, bro.
Chill.
- Hug it out. - That was you?
- Girl, I've been looking out for your ass
ever since you picked up your first Barbie
and chose a sensible heel for her instead
of staring at her anatomically incorrect boobs.
- And he has a bigger dick than all of you
pencil pricks combined.
- Yeah, come here babe.
- But I could only do so much.
Maggie was protecting you every day.
- Let me get up all on those slippy lippies.
- Who needs you?
I got a Krazor flip phone.
I can play snake, in color.
(phone dial plays)
- Wow, every kiss went downhill from there.
- She really liked Jesse, even though
he was a complete asshole.
She gave up a lot for me.
- Time for a movie recommendation.
- Did you see that?
- What's the bootleg?
- It's a documentary, Gray Gardens.
Meet big and little Edie Beal.
- What can I say?
I'm a cinephile.
- You're so young and excited for the future.
- Now look what's become of us.
- I'm fine.
- Oh, you're fine, really?
You're fine?
Last night you used a slice of pizza to scratch your ass.
- It was stale and it worked.
And it's this Cruella Deville syndrome.
It's gonna go away.
- Don't you think it would've gone away by now
if you didn't care about Maggie anymore?
Only when you make peace with her and the child within,
will you be cured.
- Everything was great before she showed up.
- Was it?
I didn't become a pill popping, booze dependent
imaginary friend on my own.
I had dreams you know, I wanted to be an ophthalmologist.
You did this to me.
You did this to yourself.
Hmm, I think it's time we see the future
these kids we're so excited about.
- So the present?
- Exactly.
I think, costume change.
Ta-da, ghost of Christmas present.
And before you say anything,
I know this is my regular outfit.
I can only manifest so many costumes.
- Why are Maggie and Dorothy in my apartment
if this is the present.
- This is supposed to be Maggie's apartment
but you don't know what it looks like
because you never visited her.
Do you even know what she does for work?
- I, um, she pregnancy.
- Ugh, that's what I thought.
Just watch.
- [Dorothy] So did you talk to the doctor
about the stool softeners?
- Mom!
- You haven't gone in three days.
That's four short of my record.
- It's the prenatals.
Look, I don't need someone recording my bowel movements
or you telling me about yours.
- Without Max, I have to be mother and fiance.
- Please do not call yourself my fiance
and I don't need anyone recording my poops.
I'm fine.
- I'd be lying if I said I didn't see it coming.
He didn't even touch a daddy to be book.
- Yes, as you remind me on the daily.
And as I always tell you, Max did his best.
- Still protecting you.
- Maggie, pumpkin.
Last night I had a revelation.
God wants us to raise the baby with his guidance.
- [Maggie] Mom, I don't want to-
- It's already being born out of wedlock.
- So was I.
- I wasn't on the right path when I was blessed with you.
- Didn't I turn out okay?
- Of course you did.
Maggie, my sweet girl, you're amazing.
I just don't want to see you repeat any more
of my mistakes.
Now, if I don't get to a meeting,
I'll be making a mistake of my own.
That's how much this conversation is upsetting me.
- Jesus.
- You said it.
- Is this actually happening or am I imagining it?
- I think you know either of those could be true.
- Another strawberry, Patrick, baby?
- [Patrick] Thank you very much.
- Isn't it delicious?
- Mm.
Not as delicious as you, Kyle baby.
- Hey, hey, hey, wait a minute.
This is not happening.
- How would you know that?
- This is my imagination.
This is my depression creating messed up scenarios.
It's not real.
- How would you know?
You've completely shut them out this last month.
Maybe they bumped into each other, bumped butts.
Maybe Kyle spilled something on Patrick again, semen.
Who knows?
- I'm so in love with you.
- I know, I've never been happier.
- Okay, this is a bit much.
- You're so much better for me than that ableist Max.
- Max who?
(couple laughs)
- Okay, I'm working on the ableism.
- Let's go have some hot bareback cream pie sex.
- Yeah, I love having hot bareback cream pie sex with you.
- Okay, why are they talking like that?
- Because you watch too much porn hub.
- Right.
- It's time you were visited by the final ghost.
- Christmas future, right?
- Just wait until you see the outfit.
There's this designer who does a lot of outfits
for all the other imaginary drag queens.
Costs a fortune, may not arrive, but time
and money are a construct and it's almost Groundhog Day.
So who cares?
- Oh God, I'm scared to look.
Please just show me the horrors
of my future and be done with it.
Wait, why are we still in my apartment?
- Look.
Look.
- Oh God, I'm old.
Old.
- Yeah, gays aren't immune to aging despite
what you all tell yourselves, but I look fabulous.
- And I don't even look like me.
That's a whole other person.
Did you spend your entire budget on this outfit?
- Yes.
Thanks for coming, Wayne, appreciate the favor.
So what do you think of this look?
I am the grim reaper and I came to sleep.
- But we're still in my bedroom.
I thought this was Christmas future.
- In the future, you still live here.
You still work at the antique store.
You're still pregnant.
You didn't resolve anything with Maggie, nothing's changed.
You don't even have any cats.
You can't even hermit properly.
I mean, the stuffed raccoons are a nice nod to Gray Gardens
but at least big and little Edie had each other.
That was the whole point.
You have no one.
- No one?
- Not unless you do something about it.
- Enough, enough.
I just, please take me home.
- All right but this trash panda's is coming with me.
- Oh.
- Okay, I'm about to get real after school special
on your ass.
- The Christmas Carol episode wasn't enough?
- You and Maggie, this whole thing is bigger
than the both of you.
I showed up and tried to convince you
to run screaming the other way.
You stuck with her.
You started this now you need to stick it out.
- Aren't you supposed to tell me to snort an eight ball
and find the closest leather daddy orgy?
- No one will invite you looking like that.
Here's some exclusive advice from me to you.
Call Maggie.
- I can't.
- Of course you can't.
You're too busy playing the victim.
- That's harsh.
- Am I wrong?
Did I just max out my costume changes and call
on the cosmic goddess to bend space and time for nothing?
- What if she doesn't need me anymore?
- The truth will set you free, both of you.
- But my phone is over there.
Oh.
I'll just have a quick slice of Hawaiian pizza for energy.
Pineapple is a fruit so it's healthy.
Oh.
- Call her.
- Okay, Naomi, fine.
Just stop being so aggressive.
I'm very emotional right now.
- I'm sorry, I'm moody too.
I just really miss cocaine.
- It's okay, I'm gonna call her right now, okay.
- Okay.
- Maggie.
That slut hung up on me.
- [Narrator] Womb Envy is created by Champagna,
written by Mark Keller, produced by Charlie David,
directed by Jake Horowitz.
Cinematography by Paul Maxwell.
Womb Envy is produced and distributed
by Border 2 Border Entertainment in association with AMI
and OUT TV.
Integrated described video by AMI featuring,
Daniel Fernandes, Storm Steenson,
Jeffrey Haase, Helen Holtham, Champagna and Luke Avoledo.
(gentle music)
(gentle music continues)
Copyright 2023 Border 2 Border Entertainment.