1 00:00:00,434 --> 00:00:01,935 - Oh. 2 00:00:01,935 --> 00:00:03,770 - [Recording] Max, I would appreciate a reply to this, 3 00:00:03,770 --> 00:00:06,607 my 43rd attempt at reaching you. 4 00:00:06,607 --> 00:00:08,275 I have been praying for reconciliation. 5 00:00:08,275 --> 00:00:12,246 Do not make my angels or God or whoever answers prayers 6 00:00:12,246 --> 00:00:14,014 work harder than they need to. 7 00:00:14,014 --> 00:00:15,482 - [Voicemail] Next message. 8 00:00:15,482 --> 00:00:17,618 - [Recording] Hey Max, it's Kyle. 9 00:00:17,618 --> 00:00:19,653 Can't believe I'm leaving a voicemail 10 00:00:19,653 --> 00:00:21,655 so I still think you're a jerk, but no one's seen you 11 00:00:21,655 --> 00:00:24,358 in a while and I guess I still care if you're alive. 12 00:00:24,358 --> 00:00:25,993 So call a bitch. 13 00:00:25,993 --> 00:00:28,795 I'm worried about you and I need my douche back. 14 00:00:28,795 --> 00:00:30,497 Okay, thanks, bye. 15 00:00:30,497 --> 00:00:31,865 - [Voicemail] Next message. 16 00:00:31,865 --> 00:00:34,868 - [Recording] Hey, it's Patrick calling again 17 00:00:34,868 --> 00:00:37,204 and I'll keep calling until I hear back. 18 00:00:37,204 --> 00:00:38,672 I hope you're okay. 19 00:00:38,672 --> 00:00:42,276 If, if you're, whatever state you're in, 20 00:00:42,276 --> 00:00:43,844 I'll find help for you. 21 00:00:43,844 --> 00:00:45,145 Reach out. 22 00:00:45,145 --> 00:00:46,713 - [Voicemail] End of new messages. 23 00:00:56,723 --> 00:00:59,726 - I never thought I'd say this, but you need Maggie. 24 00:00:59,726 --> 00:01:04,665 Mary, look at you full term pregnant and a God damn mess. 25 00:01:05,799 --> 00:01:06,967 We haven't seen the floor in weeks. 26 00:01:06,967 --> 00:01:08,502 Smells like the inside of a pickle jar 27 00:01:08,502 --> 00:01:11,305 and I'm pretty sure something's alive 28 00:01:11,305 --> 00:01:13,874 under one of those pizza boxes. 29 00:01:13,874 --> 00:01:15,709 Heck, I need Maggie. 30 00:01:15,709 --> 00:01:17,077 Look at me. 31 00:01:17,077 --> 00:01:20,147 Look at me! 32 00:01:20,147 --> 00:01:24,351 Ugh, I'm just as preggers as you, this is a real pickle. 33 00:01:24,351 --> 00:01:25,752 - So are this. 34 00:01:27,354 --> 00:01:31,425 She left me, mm-hm. 35 00:01:31,425 --> 00:01:33,760 It's her loss, I don't even care. 36 00:01:33,760 --> 00:01:35,195 Doesn't affect me at all. 37 00:01:35,195 --> 00:01:37,998 - So I guess we're still in this denial phase. 38 00:01:37,998 --> 00:01:42,369 - The only thing I'm denying is saying anything wrong. 39 00:01:43,870 --> 00:01:48,742 I merely just told her how I felt and she was all dramatic. 40 00:01:50,210 --> 00:01:51,044 - Are you sure you weren't the one being dramatic? 41 00:01:51,044 --> 00:01:54,948 - I am never dramatic. 42 00:01:56,216 --> 00:01:59,720 - Dramatic times call for dramatic measures. 43 00:01:59,720 --> 00:02:02,089 I didn't wanna do this, but this has gone on too long. 44 00:02:02,089 --> 00:02:03,256 - Do what? 45 00:02:03,256 --> 00:02:06,426 - Fasten your seatbelt, kid. 46 00:02:06,426 --> 00:02:07,761 - It probably won't fit. 47 00:02:09,463 --> 00:02:11,365 Wait, what seatbelt? 48 00:02:11,365 --> 00:02:14,201 - It's the Christmas Carol episode. 49 00:02:14,201 --> 00:02:15,302 (Divine farts) 50 00:02:15,302 --> 00:02:17,270 That was the chair. 51 00:02:17,270 --> 00:02:20,640 - No! 52 00:02:20,640 --> 00:02:25,545 - [Narrator] "Womb Envy." 53 00:02:25,545 --> 00:02:28,081 - So what do you think of the costume? 54 00:02:28,081 --> 00:02:29,583 I got it at the cutest- 55 00:02:29,583 --> 00:02:31,251 - What are we doing here? 56 00:02:31,251 --> 00:02:33,587 - I'm the ghost of Christmas past, obvi. 57 00:02:33,587 --> 00:02:34,421 - So? 58 00:02:34,421 --> 00:02:36,957 - So, this is the past. 59 00:02:36,957 --> 00:02:38,992 Wow, I see why you failed history twice. 60 00:02:38,992 --> 00:02:41,795 - Okay, but what are we doing in Tune Town? 61 00:02:41,795 --> 00:02:45,165 - Lessons, learning from your past, all of that. 62 00:02:45,165 --> 00:02:48,435 Oh, I need a xanny, time travel really takes it out of me. 63 00:02:48,435 --> 00:02:49,836 - Why, you're imaginary. 64 00:02:49,836 --> 00:02:51,071 - And you're rude. 65 00:02:51,071 --> 00:02:52,672 - Christmas Carol episodes have been done 66 00:02:52,672 --> 00:02:54,441 to death and it's not even December. 67 00:02:54,441 --> 00:02:56,810 - Well, like you said, this is your imagination 68 00:02:56,810 --> 00:03:00,347 and Christmas is the gayest holiday. 69 00:03:00,347 --> 00:03:03,917 Other than Groundhog Day, obviously. 70 00:03:03,917 --> 00:03:06,286 Hold my purse, I'll take care of this. 71 00:03:07,487 --> 00:03:08,955 - Promise I'll pay you back. 72 00:03:08,955 --> 00:03:10,624 You guys aren't allowed back here. 73 00:03:11,658 --> 00:03:12,459 Yo, bro. 74 00:03:12,459 --> 00:03:13,427 Why'd you push me? 75 00:03:13,427 --> 00:03:14,361 - I didn't push you, bro. 76 00:03:14,361 --> 00:03:15,595 - Yes you did, bro. 77 00:03:15,595 --> 00:03:16,963 You just- - I was standing right there. 78 00:03:16,963 --> 00:03:17,798 - Bro, bro, bro, bro. 79 00:03:17,798 --> 00:03:19,199 Chill. 80 00:03:19,199 --> 00:03:20,801 - Hug it out. - That was you? 81 00:03:20,801 --> 00:03:22,803 - Girl, I've been looking out for your ass 82 00:03:22,803 --> 00:03:24,671 ever since you picked up your first Barbie 83 00:03:24,671 --> 00:03:26,940 and chose a sensible heel for her instead 84 00:03:26,940 --> 00:03:30,177 of staring at her anatomically incorrect boobs. 85 00:03:30,177 --> 00:03:32,612 - And he has a bigger dick than all of you 86 00:03:32,612 --> 00:03:34,114 pencil pricks combined. 87 00:03:34,981 --> 00:03:36,983 - Yeah, come here babe. 88 00:03:36,983 --> 00:03:39,986 - But I could only do so much. 89 00:03:39,986 --> 00:03:41,988 Maggie was protecting you every day. 90 00:03:41,988 --> 00:03:45,826 - Let me get up all on those slippy lippies. 91 00:03:49,229 --> 00:03:51,231 - Who needs you? 92 00:03:51,231 --> 00:03:53,500 I got a Krazor flip phone. 93 00:03:53,500 --> 00:03:56,203 I can play snake, in color. 94 00:03:58,305 --> 00:04:01,074 (phone dial plays) 95 00:04:02,242 --> 00:04:05,412 - Wow, every kiss went downhill from there. 96 00:04:05,412 --> 00:04:06,880 - She really liked Jesse, even though 97 00:04:06,880 --> 00:04:09,182 he was a complete asshole. 98 00:04:09,182 --> 00:04:11,184 She gave up a lot for me. 99 00:04:11,184 --> 00:04:13,220 - Time for a movie recommendation. 100 00:04:17,023 --> 00:04:18,692 - Did you see that? 101 00:04:19,860 --> 00:04:20,927 - What's the bootleg? 102 00:04:22,028 --> 00:04:24,531 - It's a documentary, Gray Gardens. 103 00:04:25,832 --> 00:04:27,868 Meet big and little Edie Beal. 104 00:04:27,868 --> 00:04:28,702 - What can I say? 105 00:04:28,702 --> 00:04:29,836 I'm a cinephile. 106 00:04:31,004 --> 00:04:34,207 - You're so young and excited for the future. 107 00:04:34,207 --> 00:04:35,509 - Now look what's become of us. 108 00:04:35,509 --> 00:04:36,676 - I'm fine. 109 00:04:36,676 --> 00:04:37,711 - Oh, you're fine, really? 110 00:04:37,711 --> 00:04:38,545 You're fine? 111 00:04:40,013 --> 00:04:42,883 Last night you used a slice of pizza to scratch your ass. 112 00:04:42,883 --> 00:04:45,185 - It was stale and it worked. 113 00:04:45,185 --> 00:04:47,921 And it's this Cruella Deville syndrome. 114 00:04:47,921 --> 00:04:49,389 It's gonna go away. 115 00:04:49,389 --> 00:04:50,624 - Don't you think it would've gone away by now 116 00:04:50,624 --> 00:04:53,360 if you didn't care about Maggie anymore? 117 00:04:53,360 --> 00:04:58,231 Only when you make peace with her and the child within, 118 00:04:58,231 --> 00:04:59,900 will you be cured. 119 00:05:01,101 --> 00:05:03,703 - Everything was great before she showed up. 120 00:05:03,703 --> 00:05:05,238 - Was it? 121 00:05:05,238 --> 00:05:07,641 I didn't become a pill popping, booze dependent 122 00:05:07,641 --> 00:05:10,277 imaginary friend on my own. 123 00:05:10,277 --> 00:05:14,748 I had dreams you know, I wanted to be an ophthalmologist. 124 00:05:14,748 --> 00:05:16,283 You did this to me. 125 00:05:16,283 --> 00:05:18,785 You did this to yourself. 126 00:05:18,785 --> 00:05:23,223 Hmm, I think it's time we see the future 127 00:05:23,223 --> 00:05:26,493 these kids we're so excited about. 128 00:05:26,493 --> 00:05:27,627 - So the present? 129 00:05:27,627 --> 00:05:29,095 - Exactly. 130 00:05:29,095 --> 00:05:31,598 I think, costume change. 131 00:05:33,266 --> 00:05:36,269 Ta-da, ghost of Christmas present. 132 00:05:36,269 --> 00:05:37,504 And before you say anything, 133 00:05:37,504 --> 00:05:38,972 I know this is my regular outfit. 134 00:05:38,972 --> 00:05:41,441 I can only manifest so many costumes. 135 00:05:41,441 --> 00:05:44,177 - Why are Maggie and Dorothy in my apartment 136 00:05:44,177 --> 00:05:45,679 if this is the present. 137 00:05:45,679 --> 00:05:47,447 - This is supposed to be Maggie's apartment 138 00:05:47,447 --> 00:05:49,349 but you don't know what it looks like 139 00:05:49,349 --> 00:05:52,285 because you never visited her. 140 00:05:52,285 --> 00:05:55,121 Do you even know what she does for work? 141 00:05:55,121 --> 00:06:00,126 - I, um, she pregnancy. 142 00:06:01,127 --> 00:06:02,662 - Ugh, that's what I thought. 143 00:06:02,662 --> 00:06:05,365 Just watch. 144 00:06:05,365 --> 00:06:07,300 - [Dorothy] So did you talk to the doctor 145 00:06:07,300 --> 00:06:08,468 about the stool softeners? 146 00:06:08,468 --> 00:06:09,302 - Mom! 147 00:06:11,104 --> 00:06:12,706 - You haven't gone in three days. 148 00:06:12,706 --> 00:06:14,541 That's four short of my record. 149 00:06:14,541 --> 00:06:16,643 - It's the prenatals. 150 00:06:16,643 --> 00:06:19,813 Look, I don't need someone recording my bowel movements 151 00:06:19,813 --> 00:06:22,382 or you telling me about yours. 152 00:06:22,382 --> 00:06:26,386 - Without Max, I have to be mother and fiance. 153 00:06:26,386 --> 00:06:29,789 - Please do not call yourself my fiance 154 00:06:30,890 --> 00:06:33,493 and I don't need anyone recording my poops. 155 00:06:33,493 --> 00:06:34,728 I'm fine. 156 00:06:34,728 --> 00:06:37,297 - I'd be lying if I said I didn't see it coming. 157 00:06:37,297 --> 00:06:39,199 He didn't even touch a daddy to be book. 158 00:06:39,199 --> 00:06:40,800 - Yes, as you remind me on the daily. 159 00:06:40,800 --> 00:06:43,536 And as I always tell you, Max did his best. 160 00:06:43,536 --> 00:06:45,305 - Still protecting you. 161 00:06:46,706 --> 00:06:48,642 - Maggie, pumpkin. 162 00:06:48,642 --> 00:06:51,244 Last night I had a revelation. 163 00:06:51,244 --> 00:06:55,215 God wants us to raise the baby with his guidance. 164 00:06:56,182 --> 00:06:57,884 - [Maggie] Mom, I don't want to- 165 00:06:57,884 --> 00:07:00,553 - It's already being born out of wedlock. 166 00:07:00,553 --> 00:07:02,355 - So was I. 167 00:07:02,355 --> 00:07:04,357 - I wasn't on the right path when I was blessed with you. 168 00:07:04,357 --> 00:07:05,659 - Didn't I turn out okay? 169 00:07:05,659 --> 00:07:07,360 - Of course you did. 170 00:07:07,360 --> 00:07:10,397 Maggie, my sweet girl, you're amazing. 171 00:07:10,397 --> 00:07:12,565 I just don't want to see you repeat any more 172 00:07:12,565 --> 00:07:14,034 of my mistakes. 173 00:07:14,034 --> 00:07:17,337 Now, if I don't get to a meeting, 174 00:07:17,337 --> 00:07:19,673 I'll be making a mistake of my own. 175 00:07:19,673 --> 00:07:22,442 That's how much this conversation is upsetting me. 176 00:07:24,044 --> 00:07:24,878 - Jesus. 177 00:07:24,878 --> 00:07:26,513 - You said it. 178 00:07:26,513 --> 00:07:29,382 - Is this actually happening or am I imagining it? 179 00:07:29,382 --> 00:07:31,584 - I think you know either of those could be true. 180 00:07:32,686 --> 00:07:35,422 - Another strawberry, Patrick, baby? 181 00:07:35,422 --> 00:07:37,057 - [Patrick] Thank you very much. 182 00:07:39,592 --> 00:07:40,960 - Isn't it delicious? 183 00:07:42,228 --> 00:07:43,463 - Mm. 184 00:07:43,463 --> 00:07:45,632 Not as delicious as you, Kyle baby. 185 00:07:45,632 --> 00:07:47,467 - Hey, hey, hey, wait a minute. 186 00:07:47,467 --> 00:07:48,768 This is not happening. 187 00:07:48,768 --> 00:07:49,736 - How would you know that? 188 00:07:49,736 --> 00:07:51,104 - This is my imagination. 189 00:07:51,104 --> 00:07:54,307 This is my depression creating messed up scenarios. 190 00:07:54,307 --> 00:07:55,141 It's not real. 191 00:07:55,141 --> 00:07:56,609 - How would you know? 192 00:07:56,609 --> 00:07:59,079 You've completely shut them out this last month. 193 00:07:59,079 --> 00:08:03,983 Maybe they bumped into each other, bumped butts. 194 00:08:03,983 --> 00:08:08,421 Maybe Kyle spilled something on Patrick again, semen. 195 00:08:09,556 --> 00:08:10,557 Who knows? 196 00:08:11,758 --> 00:08:13,393 - I'm so in love with you. 197 00:08:13,393 --> 00:08:15,595 - I know, I've never been happier. 198 00:08:15,595 --> 00:08:18,431 - Okay, this is a bit much. 199 00:08:18,431 --> 00:08:21,267 - You're so much better for me than that ableist Max. 200 00:08:21,267 --> 00:08:23,103 - Max who? 201 00:08:23,103 --> 00:08:24,337 (couple laughs) 202 00:08:24,337 --> 00:08:26,906 - Okay, I'm working on the ableism. 203 00:08:26,906 --> 00:08:29,909 - Let's go have some hot bareback cream pie sex. 204 00:08:29,909 --> 00:08:33,780 - Yeah, I love having hot bareback cream pie sex with you. 205 00:08:34,948 --> 00:08:36,182 - Okay, why are they talking like that? 206 00:08:36,182 --> 00:08:37,851 - Because you watch too much porn hub. 207 00:08:40,153 --> 00:08:40,987 - Right. 208 00:08:43,022 --> 00:08:45,425 - It's time you were visited by the final ghost. 209 00:08:45,425 --> 00:08:46,626 - Christmas future, right? 210 00:08:46,626 --> 00:08:48,595 - Just wait until you see the outfit. 211 00:08:48,595 --> 00:08:50,263 There's this designer who does a lot of outfits 212 00:08:50,263 --> 00:08:51,865 for all the other imaginary drag queens. 213 00:08:51,865 --> 00:08:54,467 Costs a fortune, may not arrive, but time 214 00:08:54,467 --> 00:08:57,103 and money are a construct and it's almost Groundhog Day. 215 00:08:57,103 --> 00:08:58,605 So who cares? 216 00:08:59,472 --> 00:09:01,374 - Oh God, I'm scared to look. 217 00:09:01,374 --> 00:09:03,610 Please just show me the horrors 218 00:09:03,610 --> 00:09:05,278 of my future and be done with it. 219 00:09:08,948 --> 00:09:11,885 Wait, why are we still in my apartment? 220 00:09:11,885 --> 00:09:16,156 - Look. 221 00:09:16,156 --> 00:09:17,290 Look. 222 00:09:17,290 --> 00:09:20,160 - Oh God, I'm old. 223 00:09:20,160 --> 00:09:21,528 Old. 224 00:09:21,528 --> 00:09:23,963 - Yeah, gays aren't immune to aging despite 225 00:09:23,963 --> 00:09:28,968 what you all tell yourselves, but I look fabulous. 226 00:09:29,836 --> 00:09:31,504 - And I don't even look like me. 227 00:09:31,504 --> 00:09:33,039 That's a whole other person. 228 00:09:33,039 --> 00:09:35,508 Did you spend your entire budget on this outfit? 229 00:09:35,508 --> 00:09:36,342 - Yes. 230 00:09:37,710 --> 00:09:40,246 Thanks for coming, Wayne, appreciate the favor. 231 00:09:40,246 --> 00:09:44,250 So what do you think of this look? 232 00:09:44,250 --> 00:09:47,687 I am the grim reaper and I came to sleep. 233 00:09:49,055 --> 00:09:51,357 - But we're still in my bedroom. 234 00:09:51,357 --> 00:09:52,892 I thought this was Christmas future. 235 00:09:52,892 --> 00:09:55,261 - In the future, you still live here. 236 00:09:55,261 --> 00:09:57,163 You still work at the antique store. 237 00:09:57,163 --> 00:09:58,865 You're still pregnant. 238 00:09:58,865 --> 00:10:01,935 You didn't resolve anything with Maggie, nothing's changed. 239 00:10:01,935 --> 00:10:02,869 You don't even have any cats. 240 00:10:02,869 --> 00:10:04,504 You can't even hermit properly. 241 00:10:04,504 --> 00:10:07,440 I mean, the stuffed raccoons are a nice nod to Gray Gardens 242 00:10:07,440 --> 00:10:09,442 but at least big and little Edie had each other. 243 00:10:09,442 --> 00:10:11,878 That was the whole point. 244 00:10:11,878 --> 00:10:13,713 You have no one. 245 00:10:13,713 --> 00:10:15,014 - No one? 246 00:10:15,014 --> 00:10:16,749 - Not unless you do something about it. 247 00:10:16,749 --> 00:10:18,251 - Enough, enough. 248 00:10:18,251 --> 00:10:20,954 I just, please take me home. 249 00:10:20,954 --> 00:10:23,723 - All right but this trash panda's is coming with me. 250 00:10:25,024 --> 00:10:25,859 - Oh. 251 00:10:28,294 --> 00:10:30,730 - Okay, I'm about to get real after school special 252 00:10:30,730 --> 00:10:31,965 on your ass. 253 00:10:31,965 --> 00:10:34,067 - The Christmas Carol episode wasn't enough? 254 00:10:34,067 --> 00:10:37,637 - You and Maggie, this whole thing is bigger 255 00:10:37,637 --> 00:10:39,239 than the both of you. 256 00:10:39,239 --> 00:10:41,074 I showed up and tried to convince you 257 00:10:41,074 --> 00:10:43,243 to run screaming the other way. 258 00:10:43,243 --> 00:10:44,744 You stuck with her. 259 00:10:44,744 --> 00:10:48,581 You started this now you need to stick it out. 260 00:10:48,581 --> 00:10:50,817 - Aren't you supposed to tell me to snort an eight ball 261 00:10:50,817 --> 00:10:53,086 and find the closest leather daddy orgy? 262 00:10:53,086 --> 00:10:56,089 - No one will invite you looking like that. 263 00:10:58,591 --> 00:11:02,228 Here's some exclusive advice from me to you. 264 00:11:03,930 --> 00:11:04,898 Call Maggie. 265 00:11:04,898 --> 00:11:05,732 - I can't. 266 00:11:06,599 --> 00:11:07,767 - Of course you can't. 267 00:11:07,767 --> 00:11:09,002 You're too busy playing the victim. 268 00:11:09,936 --> 00:11:10,770 - That's harsh. 269 00:11:10,770 --> 00:11:12,338 - Am I wrong? 270 00:11:12,338 --> 00:11:15,341 Did I just max out my costume changes and call 271 00:11:15,341 --> 00:11:18,778 on the cosmic goddess to bend space and time for nothing? 272 00:11:18,778 --> 00:11:21,080 - What if she doesn't need me anymore? 273 00:11:21,080 --> 00:11:25,485 - The truth will set you free, both of you. 274 00:11:27,654 --> 00:11:32,592 - But my phone is over there. 275 00:11:34,827 --> 00:11:35,662 Oh. 276 00:11:39,165 --> 00:11:44,170 I'll just have a quick slice of Hawaiian pizza for energy. 277 00:11:47,140 --> 00:11:49,442 Pineapple is a fruit so it's healthy. 278 00:11:50,977 --> 00:11:51,811 Oh. 279 00:11:51,811 --> 00:11:52,779 - Call her. 280 00:11:52,779 --> 00:11:55,982 - Okay, Naomi, fine. 281 00:11:55,982 --> 00:11:57,650 Just stop being so aggressive. 282 00:11:57,650 --> 00:11:59,619 I'm very emotional right now. 283 00:11:59,619 --> 00:12:01,554 - I'm sorry, I'm moody too. 284 00:12:03,823 --> 00:12:08,127 I just really miss cocaine. 285 00:12:09,562 --> 00:12:12,198 - It's okay, I'm gonna call her right now, okay. 286 00:12:12,198 --> 00:12:13,032 - Okay. 287 00:12:15,034 --> 00:12:15,868 - Maggie. 288 00:12:17,670 --> 00:12:19,539 That slut hung up on me. 289 00:12:23,977 --> 00:12:25,511 - [Narrator] Womb Envy is created by Champagna, 290 00:12:25,511 --> 00:12:27,880 written by Mark Keller, produced by Charlie David, 291 00:12:27,880 --> 00:12:29,349 directed by Jake Horowitz. 292 00:12:29,349 --> 00:12:31,351 Cinematography by Paul Maxwell. 293 00:12:31,351 --> 00:12:32,919 Womb Envy is produced and distributed 294 00:12:32,919 --> 00:12:35,722 by Border 2 Border Entertainment in association with AMI 295 00:12:35,722 --> 00:12:36,923 and OUT TV. 296 00:12:36,923 --> 00:12:39,525 Integrated described video by AMI featuring, 297 00:12:39,525 --> 00:12:41,861 Daniel Fernandes, Storm Steenson, 298 00:12:41,861 --> 00:12:45,732 Jeffrey Haase, Helen Holtham, Champagna and Luke Avoledo. 299 00:12:47,200 --> 00:12:49,836 (gentle music) 300 00:12:57,710 --> 00:13:01,047 (gentle music continues) 301 00:13:07,020 --> 00:13:09,956 Copyright 2023 Border 2 Border Entertainment.