(video tape rewinding)
- [Narrator] 10 years earlier.
(upbeat music)
- Can't believe Flo Rida's CD sold out three weeks in a row.
That's reason enough to get out of this town.
- What if we just
took all the money in this register and ran?
- Okay, but are we doing it "True Romance"
or "Thelma and Louise" style?
- Oh, I'm okay with not driving off a cliff
but I do like a scarf and sunglasses moment.
- Cliff it is then.
- I combined our paychecks and added $300
to our ticket out of this cesspool of inbred hicks.
- Ew, oh my God.
This town is crappy, but there's no inbreeding going on.
- I don't know.
Did you see Samantha's baby?
It basically has hoofs.
- I don't think we're talking about inbreeding anymore.
- If only that horse could talk or neigh.
(Maggie laughs)
(door opens and bell rings)
Oh, speaking of God's mistakes.
Here comes the hockey team.
(door closes and bell rings)
(books thud)
Um, who's gonna pick that up?
- Um, who's gonna pick that up?
See, I can do it too.
No, yeah, that's fine.
Destruction of property is totally cool.
- Hey, Jesse.
- S'up Maggie?
(Maggie exhales)
- You know.
- Yeah
- [Maggie] Yeah.
- Hi.
- I'm sorry to break up this scintillating conversation
but are you guys gonna buy anything?
- Shouldn't you be at a Britney concert?
- I don't even like Britney, bro.
- Yo, let us borrow a few bucks from the register.
- Yeah, promise to pay you back.
- You can't come back here.
(DVD's clatter on floor)
- Bro, why'd you push me?
- I didn't push you, bro.
- Bros, bros.
Chill, all right?
Hug it out.
- Hug it out.
- It was at that moment
they realized their love for one another.
- Hey, hey.
- Get back.
(Maggie laughs)
- Now kiss.
- Let's get that faggot.
- Hey, he's not even gay you guys.
- [Jesse] How would you know?
- Because Maggie is my girlfriend.
- Oh, yeah.
- [Max] She is.
- Huh?
- Yeah.
Uh, we, uh, jerk each other off all the time
and I am all up in those lips.
- Stop it.
- Is that true?
- Tell 'em babe.
Babe.
- Yeah, yeah.
And he has a bigger dick than all of you
pencil pricks combined.
- Yeah, come here babe.
Let me get up all on those slippy lippies.
Ooh.
(kissing)
- Who needs you?
I got a Razor flip phone.
I can play snake in color.
(phone hits counter)
(disconnect phone signal)
(door opens and bell rings)
- Oh great, yeah, just trash the place.
(upbeat music)
- [Narrator] "Womb Envy".
(phone clicks into receiver)
(gentle music)
- Thanks.
- Anytime, also, never say slippy lippies ever again.
(both laugh)
- I gotta get outta here.
- You can cut out early if you want
- Out of this town.
You don't actually like Jesse, do you?
He looks like the second runner up
of a John Mayer lookalike contest.
(both laugh)
- He's the captain of the hockey team.
- Ew, you do like him.
You wanna handle his stick.
You want his puck inside your net.
(Max scoffs)
- You're jealous
- Of Jesse?
The guy who makes the cast of The Hills
look like a Mensa club.
Puh-lease.
- Well, it doesn't matter anyways,
since I'm already spoken for.
I can still taste you on my lips.
Thank you for that sensual kiss.
- Shut up.
I had to convince them.
(Maggie laughs)
- So lover, what are we doing tonight?
Jerking each other off again.
I think maybe it's time we try-
- Stop it.
- I want a baby.
- Stop.
(Maggie laughs)
(DVD falls on floor)
Did you see that?
- The ghost of Tune Town.
- Avenging the death of VHS.
(Maggie laughs)
- What's the bootleg say?
- It's a documentary, "Gray Gardens".
Meet big and little Edie Beale, high society dropouts
and reclusive cousins of Jackie Onassis.
- Oh.
- They thrive together amid the decay
and disorder of their East Hampton home.
- Ugh, relatable.
Sounds like we have our night planned out.
- Sounds like we have our life planned out.
- [Maggie] Just me and you.
- Forever.
(both laugh)
(video tape fast forwarding)
- [Narrator] Present day.
- Welcome everybody.
Welcome, welcome.
Come on in.
Let's get Maggie a mat, a soft pillow.
Dorothy, you could pick one for yourself right beside them,
there's lots of room.
(upbeat music)
- What does a stork have to do
to get a mat and a soft pillow?
- Now some would say my class has low attendance.
I would say it's intimate.
- Well, we'll make sure to spread the word then,
right, babe?
- I'll spread anything he wants me to.
[Divine grunts]
- Yeah, babe.
- Well, let's take your partners
and get settled onto your mats.
- I choose my daughter.
- Oh, Mom, this isn't gym class.
- And yet I was still picked last.
- Uh, usually the spouse is the partner.
- I plan to be here every step of the way.
The spouse can be your partner next time.
- This is more for you than for me, isn't it?
- Oh, sh, you're delirious with pregnancy.
- Well, guess I'm gonna have a live model today.
Max, will you be my partner?
- Uh, this is all moving so fast.
I thought we'd go for dinner first.
- Max, honey, stop being such a little jokester.
- Leave the comedy to me kid.
- He's just nervous.
Like Patrick said, first time can be scary.
(Divine laughs)
- That's far from his first time.
- Max, if you just sit in between my legs here
to demonstrate for the ladies.
- Give me a G A Y,
I hope you took your prep today.
That gay.
- You want to keep your partners calm.
Try soothing actions like massage on the shoulders.
Use your four fingers in our rotating motion
right above the collarbone, like this.
- Oh.
(Patrick breathes in)
- Take a deep breath in.
(Maggie breathes in)
- Relax into your partner's touch.
Make a deep connection.
- Oh, deeper.
(Max breathes in and out)
Oh yeah.
- Yeah.
I like that.
(Max breathes in and out)
- Take another.
(Max breathes out)
- [Patrick] Relax.
(Max breathes out)
- Push.
It feels good, doesn't it?
Come on.
(Max breathes out)
Breathe.
(Max breathes out)
Keep going.
Almost there.
(Max breathes out)
(Max breathes heavily)
- Did you just?
(Divine laughs)
- Uh, I, uh, I fell asleep.
Was that an earthquake?
Does, does Toronto get earthquakes?
Oh my God.
The street car.
I must assist the commuters.
I need to pee.
(dramatic music)
(door opens)
- This'll not end well.
- That did not end well.
Everyone's left.
Dorothy's worried about earthquakes now,
she wants to go shopping for survival supplies.
(door opens)
- Hurry Maggie.
Who knows When the grace of God
will split the simple city in two.
- See you back home, babe.
- Yeah, babe.
(door opens)
- You three have a very interesting dynamic.
- Tell me about it.
- Over coffee?
- Sorry?
- We can talk about over coffee.
You seem kind of stressed.
(Max laughs)
- What?
- Are you really gonna ask a partially sighted guy
to draw you a diagram.
I'm just offering a knowledgeable ear.
If your fiance doesn't mind?
- Oh, by would she mind,
like why would that be a thing to mind,
coffee?
With you?
Like, totally cool.
- Seems totally cool.
There's an awesome place across the street.
- Yeah, I, I'm down.
- I'll get dressed and I'll lead the way.
- Damn.
(upbeat music)
- [Divine] We're going on a date?
- It's not a date.
And you're not invited.
- What?
- Um, I am nearsighted.
So we have something in common.
- Do we?
(upbeat music)
- We're going on a date.
(pom poms shaking)
(Divine laughs)
(upbeat music)
♪ I swore to myself I wouldn't be honest this time ♪
- [Narrator] "Womb Envy" is created by Champagna,
written by Mark Keller, produced by Charlie David,
directed by Jake Horowitz,
cinematography by Paul Maxwell.
"Womb Envy" is produced and distributed
by Border 2 Border Entertainment
in association with AMI and Out TV.
Integrated described video
by AMI featuring Daniel Fernandez, Storm Steenson,
Jeffrey Hasse, Helen Holtham, Champagna, and Luke Avoledo.
♪ You caught me with my inhibitions down ♪
♪ And now you're hearing all my secrets from my dirty mouth ♪
♪ I'm gonna need you to come wash it out ♪
♪ And kiss me
♪ Cause I don't know how to shut my dirty mouth ♪
Copyright 2023 Border 2 Border Entertainment.
(water splashes)