- [Narrator] Womb Envy is filmed
in front of a live studio audience,
and broadcast in black and white.
- Honey, I'm home.
(audience cheering)
- Well, it's about time, Daddy-o.
(audience laughing)
- Is that beef stroganoff, I smell?
Must be Tuesday.
- Some beef for my beef cake.
- [Audience] Ooh.
(baby crying)
- [Max] What's that noise?
- Your baby, remember?
- [Max] My baby?
- Don't you play that game with me, Mr.
My shift is over.
(audience laughing)
- But Maggie, I just got home.
- Home is where the heart is and the diapers.
(audience laughing)
(baby crying)
- How do I make it stop?
- You can't just turn it on and off.
- But I don't know anything about babies!
- But you act like one all the time.
(audience cheering)
- Where did we put the sucky thing?
You know, the thing that keeps him quiet?
- [Maggie] The pacifier's in the blanket.
- Which blanket?
- [Maggie] Hurry up.
- There's so many blankets!
(audience laughing)
- My mother will be here any minute.
(baby crying)
- Mother knows best.
(audience applauding)
- Hello, Mother Dear?
- Dorothy, you forgot your Bible.
- Father Patrick, thank you.
But, however did you see it?
You're blind.
(audience laughing)
- God sees all.
(baby crying)
And God definitely heard that and said, "No, thank you."
(audience laughing)
- Poor thing, he's distressed.
Max, help your son.
- I don't know how.
- [Audience] Aww.
- Well, you don't know how to wear a suit either
but, never stopped you from trying.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
- Night mail delivery.
- [Maggie] Kyle, the night mail man.
- Who wants the tea?
- You brought us tea?
- Tea coupons, half off.
- Where am I?
What, what's going on?
- This is your show.
(baby crying)
(knock thudding)
Who on Earth could that be?
(audience laughing)
(audience cheering)
Jesse?
- Afternoon, everyone.
- What a suit.
- Looking sharp, cool cat.
- Wow, you look, just kidding, I'm blind.
(everyone chuckling)
- What brings you by, Jesse?
- Well, Dorothy called me
and I happened to be in the neighborhood, reading
to the deaf, and I thought, "Why not pop by
and visit with my favorite family?"
- What a saint.
- Well, thanks for the visit.
We'll cherish the memories forever, safe travels.
You should visit the Grand Canyon.
Go right up to the edge for the best view.
- Oh, Max, don't be rude to our guest.
(baby crying)
- That is one unhappy ankle biter.
- Mmm, even I can see that.
(audience laughing)
- Max, please try to quiet that child down.
- I'm trying!
Shh, little guy, stop crying.
Please stop crying.
- You know, I volunteer at an orphanage
in between helping elderly cross the street
at 11:00 AM, and my capybara re-homing project
at 4:00 PM, (chuckles), I could try to calm the kiddo down.
- Yes, let Jesse try.
- That is of course, if Maggie is all right with it.
- At this point, I'd let an elephant try.
(audience laughing)
- Let me hold him.
Oh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
(baby laughing)
- A miracle-worker.
- Gosh, golly, you're a natural.
- Wow, I'm impressed.
- Gee, thanks, I just love kids.
(audience cheering)
- Would you look at that, Maggie?
He'd make an excellent father.
- But the kid already has a father and it's me.
So give him back.
- Whoa, cover your ears everyone.
(audience laughing) (baby crying)
- Why?
- [Narrator] Womb Envy will return
after this short commercial break brought
to you by Divine Vodka.
Divine Vodka, for your rapidly splintering queer ego.
- What are you doing here, Jesse?
- [Audience] Oh!
- Well, Dorothy called me and I happened to be
in the neighborhood, sewing teddy bears
for children with webbed feet, so.
- You don't belong here.
(audience gasping)
- He's the guest star, Max.
- I don't want him on my show.
(audience shrieking)
- That's not the line!
- Maggie, do you want him here?
- I, I want what's best for the show.
(alarm ringing) (Max grunting)
- Max, sweetie, honey, baby, great work today, really great.
You're a star, you're a goddamn shooting star!
Don't touch the suit, it'll crease.
- Oh, thanks.
- Here's the thing though, kid.
Jesse's scoring huge with the 25 to 40 demo.
He's also big with teens and seniors.
Children with webbed feet love him.
- That's everyone. - Exactly.
- So what, he's just gonna become a recurring character?
- Actually, the studio wants to replace you with Jesse.
Audiences didn't find your performance
as the father to be believable.
They don't relate to you.
They relate to Jesse.
New pages, people.
Read your new script.
- But that's not even him.
He's not a good guy.
He should be quoting Borat, he's pretending.
- Yeah, that's the point, babe.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, it's very nice."
- You can't do this.
- You've wanted out of this contract for months.
Now go on vacation.
I hear Florida's no longer a swamp, try there.
You're free.
And we're back in one, remember your lines, people.
Places, people, places!
(bell ringing)
- I've got great news,
Father Patrick is leaving on a mission
to help struggling communities
and Max is going with him.
- Um, is that true?
- Uh, I don't know, I haven't learned the lines.
- That's great, hope to see you on my route.
- Oh no, they're going far, far away
from here, (chuckles), maybe Florida.
- Well, there goes my chance for a crossover episode.
(audience laughing)
- But now, we need a new man of the house.
Of course, Jesse, why don't you move in?
- Me?
Oh, shucks, I'd be honored,
and I'll raise the boy like he was my very own.
- It's settled then, welcome to the family, son.
(audience cheering)
Now though, we have to get this baby into better hands.
(audience laughing)
- [Baby] Jesse.
- He likes me.
- Jesse really is the better father.
- Are you still here?
(audience laughing)
Bon voyage, watch out for alligators.
(audience laughing)
- I'd say, "See you later,
but I can't see anything," really?
- Okay, well goodbye, everybody.
- [Group] Goodbye. (audience applauding)
- It's okay, we could leave, Max.
We could just leave.
- Um, I guess this is goodbye.
- I guess it is.
Are you sure you wanna leave?
- No, but I think I have to.
- I'll miss you.
- I'll, miss you too.
I was just starting
to feel like this is where I'm supposed to be,
but there isn't room for me anymore.
- Wrap it up.
(audience laughing)
- Just give me a second.
You're gonna be an incredible mother.
Every moment is gonna be for that kid.
But please, do it on your own terms.
I'm sorry I won't be there.
- Thank you for everything you did for me.
There's so much love in that little heart of yours.
It'll overflow if you just let it.
- What am I gonna do
without you, now that I found you again?
- Watch reruns.
(audience cheering)
Oh, we're hugging.
- [Narrator] Welcome back to the new
and improved Womb Envy, starring Jesse.
- Honey, I'm home.
(audience cheering)
- Well, it's about time, Daddy-O.
- Is that beef stroganoff, I smell?
Must be Tuesday.
- Some beef for my beef cake.
(audience cheering)
(baby crying)
- [Jesse] What's that noise?
- Your baby, remember? (audience laughing)
- Well, uh, make it stop.
- [Maggie] You can't just turn it on and off.
(baby crying)
- I said make it stop.
- [Maggie] Oh, um, okay.
- (chuckles) And uh, grab me a beer, woman.
(audience laughing)
(Jesse groaning)
Switch on the TV.
(audience laughing)
- You've got legs.
- Yeah, and they're resting.
- My mother will be here any minute.
- Mother knows best.
(audience cheering)
- Hey, where's that beer I ordered?
Less yapping and more beer-gettin'.
(audience laughing)
Come to think of it, while you're
in there, why don't you whip me up a sandwich?
Nice tush. (Maggie gasping)
One of them uh, nice hotdog and jello ones.
- You heard the man, Maggie, father knows best.
Well, second best.
- Yeah, that's right. (audience laughing)
Father knows second best.
Chop-chop, toots.
(mellow music) (Jesse chuckling)
(alarm ringing)
Oh.
- Cut, cut.
- Are we on break?
- Can I have a mocktail
and tell craft services I want a tangerine peeled,
but only three-quarters of the way.
- Does anyone else smell shit?
Oh, my God, I think the baby took a dump.
I mean, is this baby even union?
I wanna speak to its agent.
- What's wrong?
You just gotta walk out the door into the sunset.
Easy, roll credits.
- No, I can't ditch Maggie again.
I can't leave her behind like I did before.
I want my part back.
- You leave with Patrick.
Jesse stays with Maggie.
That's what happens.
That's what's in the script.
- Then the script needs rewrites.
I'm not gonna leave her with only them for support.
- We can't bring in new writers, now.
There's already seven story editors on this show.
Change the set for the next scene!
- You can't change the set!
This is my home!
- Just another actor having a meltdown
because things didn't go his way.
You need a better agent.
- Just because it's your show doesn't mean
you can be a diva about it.
- This isn't my show.
- What?
- This isn't my show.
Patrick, I cast you as a priest
because to me, you're so kind
and caring, almost untouchable.
But that's putting you in a box and it isn't fair.
Also, what was up
with all those blind jokes, super ableist, right?
I'm learning.
Kyle, you're a mailman
because I never treated you as anything more
than just a convenient friend for when I needed something.
I was never there for you, but I'm gonna be.
And sorry about this outfit.
- No, honestly, I kinda worked it.
- Jesse, all I know
about you is the pain you gave me as a teenager.
I hope you've changed, a lot.
And if Maggie chose you for a night
and it led to this, then, maybe there's something there.
Also, I hope you've stopped using South Park quotes
in every conversation.
Eh, please just stop.
- Dorothy,
I don't like you
and you don't like me,
but we both love Maggie and that should be enough.
So we gotta find a way to exist in the same space.
Maggie, my favorite co-star.
- Co-star?
I thought we were all secondary characters.
- This isn't my show.
It's our show.
And I wanna share top billing with you.
I want a second season and a third,
and a fourth.
Through cast changes and bad plot lines,
I wanna be the show
that people are like, "How is it still on?"
I wanna be the Grey's Anatomy of relationships.
- Well, I'm gonna need my own trailer,
and I have a very extensive writer.
I want a producer credit and a 50% backend
and I want total creative control over my character.
- [Max] I accept.
- Then deal.
- But this isn't a TV show.
It's real.
(alarm beeping)
- This is real.
(baby crying)
- [Duo] Here we go.
(mellow music)
- [Narrator] Womb Envy is created
by Champagna, written by Mark Keller
produced by Charlie David, directed by Jake Horowitz
with cinematography by Paul Maxwell.
Womb Envy is produced and distributed
by Border2Border Entertainment
in association with AMI and OUT TV.
Integrated described video
by AMI, featuring Daniel Fernandez, Storm Steenson,
Jeffrey Haase, Helen Holtham, Champagna
and Luke Avoledo.
(upbeat music)
Copyright 2023 Border2Border Entertainment.
(water splashing)