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- [Narrator] Womb Envy is filmed

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in front of a live
studio audience,

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and broadcast in
black and white.

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- Honey, I'm home.

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(audience cheering)

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- Well, it's about
time, Daddy-o.

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(audience laughing)

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- Is that beef
stroganoff, I smell?

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Must be Tuesday.

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- Some beef for my beef cake.

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- [Audience] Ooh.

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(baby crying)

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- [Max] What's that noise?

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- Your baby, remember?

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- [Max] My baby?

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- Don't you play that
game with me, Mr.

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My shift is over.

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(audience laughing)

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- But Maggie, I just got home.

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- Home is where the
heart is and the diapers.

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(audience laughing)

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(baby crying)

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- How do I make it stop?

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- You can't just
turn it on and off.

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- But I don't know
anything about babies!

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- But you act like
one all the time.

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(audience cheering)

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- Where did we put
the sucky thing?

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You know, the thing
that keeps him quiet?

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- [Maggie] The pacifier's
in the blanket.

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- Which blanket?

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- [Maggie] Hurry up.

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- There's so many blankets!

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(audience laughing)

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- My mother will
be here any minute.

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(baby crying)

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- Mother knows best.

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(audience applauding)

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- Hello, Mother Dear?

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- Dorothy, you
forgot your Bible.

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- Father Patrick, thank you.

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But, however did you see it?

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You're blind.

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(audience laughing)

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- God sees all.

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(baby crying)

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And God definitely heard that
and said, "No, thank you."

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(audience laughing)

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- Poor thing, he's distressed.

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Max, help your son.

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- I don't know how.

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- [Audience] Aww.

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- Well, you don't know
how to wear a suit either

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but, never stopped
you from trying.

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(audience laughing)

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(audience applauding)

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- Night mail delivery.

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- [Maggie] Kyle,
the night mail man.

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- Who wants the tea?

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- You brought us tea?

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- Tea coupons, half off.

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- Where am I?

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What, what's going on?

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- This is your show.

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(baby crying)

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(knock thudding)

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Who on Earth could that be?

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(audience laughing)

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(audience cheering)

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Jesse?

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- Afternoon, everyone.

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- What a suit.

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- Looking sharp, cool cat.

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- Wow, you look, just
kidding, I'm blind.

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(everyone chuckling)

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- What brings you by, Jesse?

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- Well, Dorothy called me

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and I happened to be in
the neighborhood, reading

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to the deaf, and I
thought, "Why not pop by

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and visit with my
favorite family?"

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- What a saint.

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- Well, thanks for the visit.

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We'll cherish the memories
forever, safe travels.

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You should visit
the Grand Canyon.

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Go right up to the
edge for the best view.

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- Oh, Max, don't be
rude to our guest.

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(baby crying)

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- That is one
unhappy ankle biter.

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- Mmm, even I can see that.

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(audience laughing)

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- Max, please try to
quiet that child down.

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- I'm trying!

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Shh, little guy, stop crying.

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Please stop crying.

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- You know, I volunteer
at an orphanage

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in between helping
elderly cross the street

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at 11:00 AM, and my
capybara re-homing project

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at 4:00 PM, (chuckles), I could
try to calm the kiddo down.

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- Yes, let Jesse try.

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- That is of course, if
Maggie is all right with it.

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- At this point, I'd
let an elephant try.

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(audience laughing)

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- Let me hold him.

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Oh, shh, shh, shh,
shh, shh, shh, shh.

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(baby laughing)

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- A miracle-worker.

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- Gosh, golly, you're a natural.

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- Wow, I'm impressed.

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- Gee, thanks, I just love kids.

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(audience cheering)

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- Would you look
at that, Maggie?

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He'd make an excellent father.

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- But the kid already
has a father and it's me.

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So give him back.

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- Whoa, cover your
ears everyone.

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(audience laughing)
(baby crying)

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- Why?

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- [Narrator] Womb
Envy will return

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after this short
commercial break brought

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to you by Divine Vodka.

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Divine Vodka, for your
rapidly splintering queer ego.

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- What are you
doing here, Jesse?

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- [Audience] Oh!

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- Well, Dorothy called
me and I happened to be

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in the neighborhood,
sewing teddy bears

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for children with
webbed feet, so.

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- You don't belong here.

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(audience gasping)

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- He's the guest star, Max.

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- I don't want him on my show.

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(audience shrieking)

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- That's not the line!

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- Maggie, do you want him here?

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- I, I want what's
best for the show.

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(alarm ringing)
(Max grunting)

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- Max, sweetie, honey, baby,
great work today, really great.

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You're a star, you're a
goddamn shooting star!

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Don't touch the
suit, it'll crease.

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- Oh, thanks.

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- Here's the thing though, kid.

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Jesse's scoring huge
with the 25 to 40 demo.

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He's also big with
teens and seniors.

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Children with webbed
feet love him.

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- That's everyone.
- Exactly.

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- So what, he's just gonna
become a recurring character?

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- Actually, the studio wants
to replace you with Jesse.

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Audiences didn't
find your performance

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as the father to be believable.

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They don't relate to you.

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They relate to Jesse.

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New pages, people.

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Read your new script.

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- But that's not even him.

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He's not a good guy.

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He should be quoting
Borat, he's pretending.

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- Yeah, that's the point, babe.

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"Whoa, whoa, whoa,
it's very nice."

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- You can't do this.

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- You've wanted out of
this contract for months.

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Now go on vacation.

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I hear Florida's no
longer a swamp, try there.

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You're free.

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And we're back in one,
remember your lines, people.

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Places, people, places!

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(bell ringing)

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- I've got great news,

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Father Patrick is
leaving on a mission

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to help struggling communities

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and Max is going with him.

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- Um, is that true?

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- Uh, I don't know, I
haven't learned the lines.

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- That's great, hope
to see you on my route.

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- Oh no, they're
going far, far away

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from here, (chuckles),
maybe Florida.

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- Well, there goes my chance
for a crossover episode.

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(audience laughing)

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- But now, we need a
new man of the house.

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Of course, Jesse, why
don't you move in?

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- Me?

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Oh, shucks, I'd be honored,

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and I'll raise the boy
like he was my very own.

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- It's settled then,
welcome to the family, son.

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(audience cheering)

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Now though, we have to get
this baby into better hands.

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(audience laughing)

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- [Baby] Jesse.

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- He likes me.

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- Jesse really is
the better father.

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- Are you still here?

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(audience laughing)

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Bon voyage, watch
out for alligators.

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(audience laughing)

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- I'd say, "See you later,

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but I can't see
anything," really?

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- Okay, well goodbye, everybody.

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- [Group] Goodbye.
(audience applauding)

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- It's okay, we
could leave, Max.

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We could just leave.

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- Um, I guess this is goodbye.

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- I guess it is.

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Are you sure you wanna leave?

202
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- No, but I think I have to.

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- I'll miss you.

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- I'll, miss you too.

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I was just starting

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to feel like this is
where I'm supposed to be,

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but there isn't
room for me anymore.

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- Wrap it up.

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(audience laughing)

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- Just give me a second.

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You're gonna be an
incredible mother.

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Every moment is gonna
be for that kid.

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But please, do it
on your own terms.

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I'm sorry I won't be there.

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- Thank you for
everything you did for me.

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There's so much love in
that little heart of yours.

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It'll overflow if
you just let it.

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- What am I gonna do

219
00:09:19,959 --> 00:09:21,361
without you, now that
I found you again?

220
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- Watch reruns.

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(audience cheering)

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Oh, we're hugging.

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- [Narrator] Welcome
back to the new

224
00:09:38,845 --> 00:09:43,817
and improved Womb
Envy, starring Jesse.

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- Honey, I'm home.

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00:09:46,886 --> 00:09:49,889
(audience cheering)

227
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- Well, it's about
time, Daddy-O.

228
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- Is that beef
stroganoff, I smell?

229
00:10:02,068 --> 00:10:04,103
Must be Tuesday.

230
00:10:04,103 --> 00:10:05,705
- Some beef for my beef cake.

231
00:10:05,705 --> 00:10:08,708
(audience cheering)

232
00:10:09,709 --> 00:10:10,677
(baby crying)

233
00:10:10,677 --> 00:10:11,544
- [Jesse] What's that noise?

234
00:10:13,213 --> 00:10:17,584
- Your baby, remember?
(audience laughing)

235
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- Well, uh, make it stop.

236
00:10:21,855 --> 00:10:23,723
- [Maggie] You can't
just turn it on and off.

237
00:10:23,723 --> 00:10:25,725
(baby crying)

238
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- I said make it stop.

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- [Maggie] Oh, um, okay.

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- (chuckles) And uh,
grab me a beer, woman.

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00:10:37,203 --> 00:10:40,573
(audience laughing)

242
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(Jesse groaning)

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Switch on the TV.

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00:10:45,712 --> 00:10:46,546
(audience laughing)

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- You've got legs.

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- Yeah, and they're resting.

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- My mother will
be here any minute.

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- Mother knows best.

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00:10:57,924 --> 00:11:00,827
(audience cheering)

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- Hey, where's that
beer I ordered?

251
00:11:03,730 --> 00:11:05,732
Less yapping and
more beer-gettin'.

252
00:11:05,732 --> 00:11:09,235
(audience laughing)

253
00:11:09,235 --> 00:11:10,436
Come to think of
it, while you're

254
00:11:10,436 --> 00:11:12,839
in there, why don't you
whip me up a sandwich?

255
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Nice tush.
(Maggie gasping)

256
00:11:17,610 --> 00:11:20,179
One of them uh, nice
hotdog and jello ones.

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- You heard the man,
Maggie, father knows best.

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Well, second best.

259
00:11:28,621 --> 00:11:30,156
- Yeah, that's right.
(audience laughing)

260
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Father knows second best.

261
00:11:34,627 --> 00:11:35,929
Chop-chop, toots.

262
00:11:37,096 --> 00:11:39,198
(mellow music)
(Jesse chuckling)

263
00:11:39,198 --> 00:11:40,099
(alarm ringing)

264
00:11:40,099 --> 00:11:40,934
Oh.

265
00:11:42,468 --> 00:11:43,303
- Cut, cut.

266
00:11:45,204 --> 00:11:47,006
- Are we on break?

267
00:11:47,006 --> 00:11:48,541
- Can I have a mocktail

268
00:11:48,541 --> 00:11:51,477
and tell craft services I
want a tangerine peeled,

269
00:11:51,477 --> 00:11:52,879
but only three-quarters
of the way.

270
00:11:52,879 --> 00:11:54,681
- Does anyone else smell shit?

271
00:11:55,982 --> 00:11:58,051
Oh, my God, I think
the baby took a dump.

272
00:11:58,051 --> 00:12:00,286
I mean, is this baby even union?

273
00:12:00,286 --> 00:12:01,788
I wanna speak to its agent.

274
00:12:01,788 --> 00:12:03,289
- What's wrong?

275
00:12:03,289 --> 00:12:05,458
You just gotta walk out
the door into the sunset.

276
00:12:05,458 --> 00:12:06,726
Easy, roll credits.

277
00:12:06,726 --> 00:12:09,295
- No, I can't
ditch Maggie again.

278
00:12:09,295 --> 00:12:11,364
I can't leave her behind
like I did before.

279
00:12:11,364 --> 00:12:12,498
I want my part back.

280
00:12:12,498 --> 00:12:13,499
- You leave with Patrick.

281
00:12:13,499 --> 00:12:14,667
Jesse stays with Maggie.

282
00:12:14,667 --> 00:12:15,568
That's what happens.

283
00:12:15,568 --> 00:12:16,836
That's what's in the script.

284
00:12:16,836 --> 00:12:18,304
- Then the script
needs rewrites.

285
00:12:18,304 --> 00:12:20,206
I'm not gonna leave her
with only them for support.

286
00:12:20,206 --> 00:12:21,674
- We can't bring in
new writers, now.

287
00:12:21,674 --> 00:12:24,510
There's already seven
story editors on this show.

288
00:12:24,510 --> 00:12:26,679
Change the set for
the next scene!

289
00:12:26,679 --> 00:12:28,881
- You can't change the set!

290
00:12:28,881 --> 00:12:30,149
This is my home!

291
00:12:31,351 --> 00:12:34,220
- Just another actor
having a meltdown

292
00:12:34,220 --> 00:12:36,990
because things
didn't go his way.

293
00:12:36,990 --> 00:12:39,192
You need a better agent.

294
00:12:39,192 --> 00:12:40,693
- Just because it's
your show doesn't mean

295
00:12:40,693 --> 00:12:42,228
you can be a diva about it.

296
00:12:43,830 --> 00:12:44,764
- This isn't my show.

297
00:12:44,764 --> 00:12:45,598
- What?

298
00:12:47,367 --> 00:12:48,701
- This isn't my show.

299
00:12:51,337 --> 00:12:54,707
Patrick, I cast you as a priest

300
00:12:54,707 --> 00:12:56,376
because to me, you're so kind

301
00:12:56,376 --> 00:12:59,345
and caring, almost untouchable.

302
00:13:00,747 --> 00:13:03,549
But that's putting you in
a box and it isn't fair.

303
00:13:05,585 --> 00:13:07,053
Also, what was up

304
00:13:07,053 --> 00:13:08,721
with all those blind jokes,
super ableist, right?

305
00:13:10,056 --> 00:13:10,890
I'm learning.

306
00:13:13,726 --> 00:13:17,397
Kyle, you're a mailman

307
00:13:17,397 --> 00:13:19,232
because I never treated
you as anything more

308
00:13:19,232 --> 00:13:22,568
than just a convenient friend
for when I needed something.

309
00:13:22,568 --> 00:13:24,904
I was never there for
you, but I'm gonna be.

310
00:13:26,572 --> 00:13:28,941
And sorry about this outfit.

311
00:13:28,941 --> 00:13:32,578
- No, honestly, I
kinda worked it.

312
00:13:36,716 --> 00:13:40,253
- Jesse, all I know

313
00:13:40,253 --> 00:13:44,090
about you is the pain you
gave me as a teenager.

314
00:13:44,090 --> 00:13:46,492
I hope you've changed, a lot.

315
00:13:47,660 --> 00:13:49,262
And if Maggie chose
you for a night

316
00:13:49,262 --> 00:13:53,232
and it led to this, then,
maybe there's something there.

317
00:13:55,234 --> 00:13:57,336
Also, I hope you've stopped
using South Park quotes

318
00:13:57,336 --> 00:13:58,471
in every conversation.

319
00:13:58,471 --> 00:14:01,941
Eh, please just stop.

320
00:14:06,946 --> 00:14:07,780
- Dorothy,

321
00:14:11,117 --> 00:14:11,984
I don't like you

322
00:14:12,952 --> 00:14:14,153
and you don't like me,

323
00:14:15,621 --> 00:14:17,990
but we both love Maggie
and that should be enough.

324
00:14:19,459 --> 00:14:22,161
So we gotta find a way to
exist in the same space.

325
00:14:26,365 --> 00:14:30,303
Maggie, my favorite co-star.

326
00:14:31,337 --> 00:14:32,171
- Co-star?

327
00:14:33,372 --> 00:14:36,542
I thought we were all
secondary characters.

328
00:14:36,542 --> 00:14:37,810
- This isn't my show.

329
00:14:38,811 --> 00:14:39,812
It's our show.

330
00:14:41,647 --> 00:14:43,549
And I wanna share
top billing with you.

331
00:14:47,820 --> 00:14:50,523
I want a second
season and a third,

332
00:14:51,891 --> 00:14:52,725
and a fourth.

333
00:14:55,328 --> 00:14:58,698
Through cast changes
and bad plot lines,

334
00:15:00,833 --> 00:15:02,068
I wanna be the show

335
00:15:02,068 --> 00:15:05,037
that people are like,
"How is it still on?"

336
00:15:07,340 --> 00:15:10,843
I wanna be the Grey's
Anatomy of relationships.

337
00:15:15,715 --> 00:15:18,384
- Well, I'm gonna
need my own trailer,

338
00:15:18,384 --> 00:15:20,386
and I have a very
extensive writer.

339
00:15:21,654 --> 00:15:25,525
I want a producer
credit and a 50% backend

340
00:15:25,525 --> 00:15:29,195
and I want total creative
control over my character.

341
00:15:30,429 --> 00:15:31,264
- [Max] I accept.

342
00:15:34,534 --> 00:15:35,368
- Then deal.

343
00:15:39,772 --> 00:15:41,207
- But this isn't a TV show.

344
00:15:44,710 --> 00:15:45,545
It's real.

345
00:15:46,546 --> 00:15:49,949
(alarm beeping)

346
00:15:49,949 --> 00:15:50,883
- This is real.

347
00:15:51,851 --> 00:15:54,353
(baby crying)

348
00:15:59,692 --> 00:16:01,194
- [Duo] Here we go.

349
00:16:04,730 --> 00:16:07,366
(mellow music)

350
00:16:08,734 --> 00:16:09,902
- [Narrator] Womb
Envy is created

351
00:16:09,902 --> 00:16:12,305
by Champagna, written
by Mark Keller

352
00:16:12,305 --> 00:16:15,241
produced by Charlie David,
directed by Jake Horowitz

353
00:16:15,241 --> 00:16:17,577
with cinematography
by Paul Maxwell.

354
00:16:17,577 --> 00:16:19,378
Womb Envy is produced
and distributed

355
00:16:19,378 --> 00:16:20,947
by Border2Border Entertainment

356
00:16:20,947 --> 00:16:24,417
in association with
AMI and OUT TV.

357
00:16:24,417 --> 00:16:25,918
Integrated described video

358
00:16:25,918 --> 00:16:29,922
by AMI, featuring Daniel
Fernandez, Storm Steenson,

359
00:16:29,922 --> 00:16:32,658
Jeffrey Haase, Helen
Holtham, Champagna

360
00:16:32,658 --> 00:16:33,960
and Luke Avoledo.

361
00:16:33,960 --> 00:16:36,562
(upbeat music)

362
00:16:51,944 --> 00:16:55,014
Copyright 2023
Border2Border Entertainment.

363
00:16:55,014 --> 00:16:57,850
(water splashing)