Who's hungry?
We made this.
- You can have one if you want. - No food.
Best Man, can I interest you in a Dutch baby?
Not the first time I've been asked that.
Different context. Carbs?
- Tons. - No.
Okay.
Our intrepid investigator.
What is all this?
Funcle Ulysses made his famous Dutch babies, and they are to die for.
That's not-- You know what I mean.
Well, they do smell really good.
That's because, instead of buttermilk, I used a little bit of koumiss.
- Okay. Not on the babies. - No.
I can still taste it.
Zoë. Can I talk to you for a minute?
- Oh, no. What is it? - It's--
We need to interview your uncle.
- What? - And possibly your mom.
And, you know, maybe your dad.
Why? That is a huge waste of time.
Because, Zoë, I can't fuck the arsonist.
What does that mean?
It's a very long, very graphic story. But essenti--
Okay, I don't need to know.
But I do know that Sebastian's almost done doing whatever the hell he's been doing.
The police are gonna get here,
and you're gonna be questioning my uncle who barely knew Edgar?
- Tell me how that makes any sense. - We're not accusing him,
but, you know, maybe he knows something. Same with your parents.
None of them killed Edgar, okay?
And if you think that they did, then--
You know what? I don't wanna talk about this with you anymore.
- ...just is conforming to my scoliosis... - No, don't worry. It sets the liver--
- ...and just gets the muscles-- - Hey.
- Hey, everything okay? - Yeah.
If Danner and Aniq ask you to talk, you don't have to, okay?
- Great. We agree. - What's that?
We've already decided we don't want to participate in the investigation.
But, well, here's a question:
Why wouldn't you wanna talk to them?
I mean, I know it's a total waste of time, but it just makes you look kinda guilty.
I'm being accused because I saved some flowers.
- Right. - It's gone too far.
Oh, yeah. We're on the same page.
I'm gonna guess I'm here because Sebastian told you about the glass
that I was doing something to.
I can explain. The glass was--
Actually, we'd like to hear your whole story.
My whole story?
That may take some time. I have lived many lives,
and I have many tales to tell.
Well, you know, actually, maybe let's just start
from the beginning of the wedding.
- 'Cause we're kinda short on time. Okay. - I'm a searcher, a wanderer.
As the Sami of Scandinavia call it...
hjertevandrer.
Did you learn that from your world travels or from Wikipedia?
After hearing my story, you be the judge.
It's an epic tale. It's a story of love, betrayal, tragedy and redemption.
It begins long ago...
in the harsh, unforgiving desert of the Middle East.
The Butcher of Baghdad, Saddam Hussein
had invaded his peace-loving neighbor Kuwait.
And the good old US of A wasn't gonna stand for it.
- You were in the army? - No.
So, what kind of dancing y'all do?
I was with the army.
The real question is, "What don't we do?" Tap, jazz, hip-hop.
Can you do the robot?
I was a dancer in the USO,
on the "Rootin' Tootin' Salute to America" tour.
Hot damn! There it is right there!
Man, can you teach me how to do that?
My cousin would shit bricks if I could do that--
Take cover!
Oh, shoot.
Pull back!
Medic!
Terry.
God.
Find his foot!
Somebody find his fucking foot!
Why?
He's never gonna jitterbug again.
The tour was canceled.
I left the USO and went back to civilian life.
But I was lost.
- I had nothing to come home to. - Find his foot.
Find his fucking foot.
The only real family I had was my half-brother, Feng, and his family.
He was from my mother's previous marriage,
but Feng always treated me with the warmth of a full brother.
So, what do you plan on doing now that you're back?
I tried tap dancing to see if I still had it in me, but...
every shuffle heel-toe, it felt like machine-gun fire.
I'm a "buncle." Bad uncle.
- No, you're not. You're just-- Look. - Oh, God.
I took the liberty of--
"Competitive ballroom dance"?
But I've never competed. And who'd be my partner?
We were thinking... Vivian.
She was a competitive ballroom dancer in college,
and she came in third at Nationals.
- It was 30th. - Still pretty good. Yeah?
- I never knew. - We're your family, brother.
We wanna help you get back on your feet.
I don't want your pity.
- You'll never get it. - Good.
Show me the frame.
I'd never known Vivian as anything more than a wife and mother.
Shoulders down. Chin up. Stiff like a board.
She was an exacting teacher.
- Again! - How about the hips?
- No, no hips. Frame up! - How about the hips?
You have talent, but you need the restraint.
- Stiff! Like, strong-- - Okay. I'm sorry. I just--
It's not gonna work, okay?
I can teach you discipline...
but you need to dance...
from there.
There's nothing in here but pain, okay?
Then let it out.
Dance with the pain.
Again.
She was bringing me back to life.
Much better. Very good.
We started competing,
and it took us on a jet-set adventure to exotic locales.
Sea air. I needed this.
I think we should do the around-the-world lift.
What?
No, I can't. I'm not ready.
We've practiced it.
- Never full-out. What if I drop you? - No, you won't.
Look. We won't win if we play it safe.
Vivian, I can't!
I'm too broken, okay?
I believe in you.
We're gonna dance here.
Here? On the beach? Like the seagulls do?
Now I'm gonna run to you, and you are gonna catch me.
- Wow. - Yeah. Big wow. So many wows.
So many wows, in fact, that I don't believe it. You know, it's not possible.
A shocking turn in my tale, I know, but it's true.
Well, this only proves that you danced together.
Well, this is a tasteful boudoir.
- Nope, I don't need to see that. - I'll take a look.
Damn, Vivian. Okay.
So, you ended it?
How could I?
Vivian had brought me back to life.
We lived double lives.
On the road, we continued to dance, both vertically and horizontally.
But at home...
Special dinner for our special winners.
- La-di-da. Dig in, dig in. - Thank you, brother.
- All right. Thank you. - I can't believe you won.
What was it like?
Heaven on earth.
Of course, it was only regionals, but...
Brother, you're too modest. This is just the start.
I'm not a betting man, but if I was,
I'll bet you two will go all the way
to the World Championships in Paris this November.
Can you imagine the two of you dancing in the City of Lights?
Now, I could help. Dude, pass me a toothpick.
You guys are so in sync, that really tickles me.
It's really jammed up in there, guys. Just, you know-- Thank you.
That's the stuff. Nothing like a good toothpick.
- Oh, yeah. - You know what? I'm so sorry,
but I realized I've got tickets for Wilson Phillips at the Cow Palace.
I gotta go. Thank you so much.
Wait. I have a surprise for Vivian and I want you to be here for it.
- Surprise? What-- - Yes!
I know it's early,
but happy anniversary.
Trickster, you're always giving me presents when I'm not expecting.
That's the only way it's a true surprise. Open it.
You're gonna look like you're at the Oscars. May I?
Okay.
Damn.
These fingers are so chapped from cooking and cleaning for our only child.
Brother, do you mind?
Yeah.
Wow! That looks awesome.
The guilt was ripping us apart. I knew a storm was coming...
but I didn't wanna face it.
I was thinking maybe we should spice up the cha-cha for Cedar Rapids, huh?
- I can't dance with you anymore. - You know, instead of step, bump, step,
- maybe we should step, bump, bump, step. - Ulysses.
Don't.
The only joy I have in the morning is knowing that I'm gonna see you that day.
The only peace that I have at night is the promise of sharing tomorrow.
I can't dance alone.
It literally takes two to tango.
And you will find another tango partner.
I believe in you.
The hotel is booked! It's non-refundable!
It was like another land mine went off.
But this time, my friend's foot
was my heart.
Vivian! No, God!
But I found solace in my role as funcle.
That means fun uncle.
- We know. - We know.
Being a part of my brother's family brought me real joy.
- Hey, meet Grace, your new niece. - Hey.
But my love for Vivian was always on my mind and in my heart.
Pass me that toothpick, will ya? Oh, yeah.
I'm gonna go to surgery today.
He's like, "You gotta get that abscess out!"
Gotta get the abscess out?
Like, what are you, huh? Anyway, white people, am I right?
All right, Zoë, you're on.
- One, two, three, four. - For six long years,
I lived near Vivian but couldn't be with her.
And I convinced myself I was happy.
Mom!
Zoë stepped on my foot!
- No, I didn't! - Okay, enough dancing.
Go upstairs and do some math drills. Now, move.
I can't keep doing this.
Why not? We're happy. It's working.
I'm in love with you.
That's why I have to go.
Don't be ridiculous.
Do you realize how painful it is to be this close to you
and to not have you?
Of course, you wouldn't know.
If that's what you think,
Ulysses, you're a fool.
Where will you go?
As far as I have to.
Until the memory of your face
ceases to echo in my heart.
- Feng, I-- - I treated you like my full brother.
And this is the thanks I get?
Get out.
Feng.
- Hey. - If I ever see you again...
I'll kill you.
So, I used my Delta miles and set out to travel the world again.
Hoping to forget dance.
Forget her.
But everywhere I went, dance followed me.
And so did she.
No matter how far I traveled.
No matter how remote.
I couldn't escape her.
You're thinking of her, aren't you? I know how to make you forget.
Leave me, Juliett.
It took me years on end. But finally, I found peace.
Welcome to the new day.
Look outside!
There's an iron bird coming from the sky!
Use the English I taught you.
In the field, there is a helicopter.
Are you the one they call Ulysses?
Are you some middle manager here to rape this fertile, virgin land
to service corporate greed?
Whatever you're buying or selling, I'm not interested.
I'm here on behalf of your niece, Grace.
I'm marrying her in three weeks,
and I know she would love to have her funcle there.
Funcle.
I haven't heard that name in a long time.
She still speaks very fondly of you.
I'm sorry. I love Grace, but I can't go.
Her father and I had a falling out many years ago.
- An affair. - How'd you know?
Statistically, most family fights are about money or affairs,
and since you clearly don't value money,
I deduced it was an affair.
You get it. You've seen your clothes.
So, I told him everything I've told you.
But much slower, so little Armando could follow along.
And it rained as she broke up with me.
But I danced.
But finally, I found purpose in serving my fellow man.
That's a tragic tale.
Dramatically told.
Thank you.
- But you must come. - No.
Yes. It will provoke your brother, Feng.
But it will make Grace incredibly happy.
Do you know how far I've gone to escape the past? Do you?
I can't go back!
I leave you to your misery then.
Do you ever think you might be Grace's father?
I assume you've run the numbers. I know I did, the second I heard.
I hadn't run the numbers, but my heart leapt at the idea.
Could it be? Could I actually have a daughter with Vivian?
If there is one solitary chance that you're Grace's father...
she deserves to have you at that wedding.
That is heavy.
- That is heavy. - I gotta walk this off.
And Zoë doesn't know about this?
I shouldn't know this. Why do I know this?
You asked, friend.
Yeah, obviously, this is the secret Edgar was talking to Vivian about.
Well, that's one mystery solved.
- Make that two. - What?
This is why Edgar had a pin in Patagonia on the map.
But you're not actually Grace's...
Oh, God. Okay.
This is fine. It's fine. You're gonna be fine.
- I appreciate that. - I wasn't talking to you.
You!
- It's Hannah. - No, I know who you are.
- I was being emphatic. - I don't know what that means, but...
Look.
I know you have feelings for Grace, okay?
So just admit that you killed your brother so we can all go home.
But I wouldn't go home. I would go to jail.
Which would be your new home.
No, 'cause I didn't kill my brother.
God. Whatever!
Everyone can say that
because there's no proof of what actually happened this weekend.
It's true. It's too bad the videographer left.
What?
The videographer that your father hired.
What's his name again? Kyle?
No. It was more annoying than that.
- Kyrie. - No. It was less annoying than that.
Kyler? Ky-- Oh, my God, Kyler!
I'm not sure.
He was filming all weekend. That is actual evidence.
- Yeah. - Video evidence.
Hey.
- Oh, my God. Do you need help? - I'm fine.
Were you spying on us in the bushes?
Don't change the subject.
This Kyler and this footage could be the key to all of this.
Hey, maybe your father can call him.
No. He doesn't wanna help.
Well, that's kinda suspicious.
It isn't.
- Where are you going? - She's getting away.
- Mounties always get their man. - What?
The wedding weekend arrived.
But the thought of seeing Vivian after all those years-- I was a wreck.
So I climbed a big rock to center myself.
What the hell am I doing here?
Easy.
Easy, friend.
Easy.
I mean you no harm.
You're lost, aren't you?
Let's get found.
Ladies and gentlemen, Grace's uncle, Ulysses.
Funcle Ulysses!
A toast, yes?
I had to be carefree funcle for the girls,
but inside, I was a raging torrent of emotions.
Who else will try the traditional koumiss?
I'll do it.
I may not be family, but I belong here, goddamn it.
I love your niece.
I love her with every ounce of my being.
And that is why it makes perfect sense
that I should be the one to drink from your horn.
Okay.
I don't remember it being that flowery, but
- can we just please skip this next part? - Nope.
That's nasty.
You've got some chunks in your hair.
Meet me by the weeping willow at midnight.
Vivian.
Why did you tell Edgar about us?
He put it together on his own.
He put something else together.
I might be Grace's father.
Is she mine?
No.
I did a paternity test when she was born.
Of course you did.
Why can't the past stay in the past?
- Because it's not just about the past. - What are you doing with my wife?
I'm here for Grace.
Hey.
Grace is my daughter, and don't you dare tell her any different.
I would never, but Edgar might.
I'll handle Edgar.
I won't let him ruin my family.
Brother, I miss you.
Can you ever forgive me?
Not even on your deathbed.
- Aniq? Is that you? - Hello.
Brought you this charger.
I had come halfway across the world,
only to find my brother still hated me
and the hope Grace was my daughter, dashed.
I went through the motions.
Just get through the day and I could disappear again.
Forever this time.
But to my surprise, Grace needed more from me.
Spare a dance for an old soul?
Funcle.
Don't worry, I got you. Okay?
Are you ready?
She was a natural.
No matter what I threw at her, she matched me step-for-step.
I started to question if Vivian really did a paternity test
all those years ago.
She had every reason to lie,
to put the past where she thought it belonged: in the past.
I needed to know the truth.
But how?
A glass.
Of course.
If I could just get the glass Grace was drinking from,
I could conduct a paternity test of my own.
It's now 10:00 p.m.,
so it's that special hour where guests become trespassers. Please leave.
But I needed more time.
For those of you staying on premises...
after-party in the library!
I just needed to get Grace's glass without her knowing.
That feels violating.
And also, how does that even work?
Easy. You just swab the glass and collect the DNA.
The police do it all the time.
And so do side chicks.
Thank you.
As the Apache say,
"Now you will feel no rain, for each of you will be a shelter to the other."
Hope that's true.
Let me refill your glass.
What you doing, kemosabe?
Bartending.
- And I prefer giimoozaabi. - I don't care.
Now be a good chap and sling me that bottle of Shackleton, would you?
I will.
Been a rather good night for me.
Time to get squiffy.
Indeed.
Brother.
After tomorrow, I'll be gone forever.
Have a final drink with me.
Not interested.
To Grace.
To a better future.
And burying the past.
I haven't tried your famed bing.
- Maybe tonight's the night. - No.
It's for Edgar only.
There's the man of the hour.
I'm sending this off to the lab on Monday.
I know there's a good chance I'm not Grace's father.
I do not want to disrupt the family.
Look, we are here to solve a murder.
But one more thing. Did Edgar ever eat the bing?
I don't know. It was a private conversation.
If he ate the bing, then the timing works out.
If you're gonna be discussing my brother, I'd like to step out.
Okay. Look, I know how this looks.
But do you really think that keeping the affair a secret is enough motive
for Feng to murder Edgar?
No, but I think paternity is.
Zoë's gonna freak out. How am I supposed to tell her about any of this?
"Hey, babe, you know your funcle may actually be your sister's fad,
f-dad. Father."
You don't tell her.
It's not your secret to tell. It's Vivian's.
So am I supposed to keep this huge secret to myself and never tell Zoë?
Tell Zoë what?
Hey!
Just how charming your uncle is.
You know, so worldly and wise.
Well, I told you talking to him was a waste of time.
But do you know what is not a waste of time? Hard evidence.
Do you remember that kid filming my dad all weekend?
- I found his Instagram. - Well, I found his Instagram, actually.
We can get in touch with him and get all of his videos.
Who needs mind movies when you can get the real movies?
Okay. So we got us a scrawny Scorsese. This is good.
Yeah. And then you'll see my parents have nothing to hide.
Yeah, okay. I doubt that. They refuse to be interviewed.
- Travis. - No, it's great.
He was filming all weekend, so all the secrets are coming out.