[soft electronic music]
[wolf howls]
[thunder cracking]
- Is it finished, master?
- Not yet, Igor.
There's just one more thing I need to do.
Now, flip the switch.
- [laughs]
[electrical crackling]
You did it.
Your creation--it's alive!
It's alive!
- Shh. Keep your voice down.
This thing is temperamental.
- [Igor voice] But, master, I was just--
- Get out of here. You're gonna ruin it.
- [muttering] Bossy.
[bell rings]
[soft electronic music]
♪ ♪
- Soufflé, sweetie, stay with me.
[chiptune playing]
- Zuri, you're gonna delete my code.
- It ain't my fault your code is weak.
Be happy I exposed it. - [sighs]
If I exposed all the weaknesses in your baby brain code,
we'd be here for months.
- Hey, what about the code of cousins?
Thou shalt never call your cousin a baby,
henceforth, too.
- Sorry.
Can't understand you.
I don't speak baby.
- I am not a baby.
- If the diaper fits. - Whoa.
Hey, guys, what's happening here?
- Amir won't let me play on the computer.
- Neither of you should be playing on my computer.
I got things you shouldn't see on there.
You know, like my beats.
I keep my beats very private.
- Quiet. My soufflé is in the oven.
She's sensitive.
- Sorry. - Ah, my bad, baby.
- Unc, I was just trying to finish
the beta version of my video game before school.
- I didn't know you made video games.
That's cool.
- Yeah, I don't want to over-hype it,
but this legend, ChenChen210,
said it could be the next big PvE RPG.
- Halfway through that, did you start
speaking another language?
[chiptune playing]
- [crying]
- Shh. Zuri, Stop crying.
- But that wasn't me.
- That's Zur-Baby, a gnome
who can help unlock all the doors in "Hustle Quest,"
when she's not busy crying.
- Do you really want this smoke?
- Let's get going, guys.
Amir's gonna walk you to school, Zuri.
I got to tackle some work.
- Amir is about to get this work.
- Okay, let's get to the do and to-do.
Bathe Rocky.
Check.
Cook up some fire beats.
Only thing I know how to cook.
Check.
[egg timer rings]
[magical harp arpeggio]
[smooth hip-hop instrumental playing]
♪ ♪
- Stephen!
- Hey, Ma. Bad news.
The soufflé you asked for decided to deflate.
Twice.
- Ang, don't worry about it.
- Last week, you had me hand-wax the car.
Before that, I was repainting a fence.
What's really going on, Ms. Miyagi?
- Funny. Now I got something
that'll pick that sad soufflé right up.
- Well, if you're thinking about pumping it up
full of air with a bike pump, that won't work.
- I wouldn't be dumb enough to try that.
- [laughs] Me neither.
I saw someone else do it online.
- I learned about this miracle water
that can fix anything,
even fixed my eyesight.
- Ma, this is hand sanitizer.
- Look, here it is.
"Ruminate, can fix everything and change"--
- And change your life.
- It's magic.
- Oh, you mean it's a scam.
- You know, they said to beware of people that call it that.
It's more like a-- - Pyramid scheme?
Or sorry, a Ponzi multi-level marketing scheme.
I mean, first, it was makeup,
then Tupperware and juices.
I'm still scarred from that adult toy scam.
Ugh. So many shapes and colors.
- This is different. Watch.
- Great, now me and the soufflé are bloated.
What's the catch, Ma? - The only catch
is me catching private flights
around the world.
- [laughs] Oh, man.
These people saw you coming
from a mile away.
- It was only a $750 initiation fee,
which is really chump change.
I'm on the fast track for 20 grand a month.
- Uh-huh. You're on the fast track
to giving away your retirement.
You'll just end up buying more product than you sell,
and we'll end up renting storage space
just for you to have a place to put it all.
- That's not gonna happen.
It comes with keys to a storage space downtown.
I got the plus pack. - Uh-huh.
Nope. Nope. Nope.
Get your purse. We're getting your money back.
My mom will not be played by Holy Ghost water twice.
[splutters] What are you doing?
- Just wanted to see if Ruminate
can fix bad attitudes.
I guess it can't do everything.
- Uh, why is my face all tingly?
- Legally, they not allowed to say.
- Anyone want some flaming Hots?
- Flaming hot, Ma.
- Yo, check out my mans Lucas.
His glasses so thick, he can see the future.
[laughter]
- Twan is just like a man: the opposite of funny.
He's unfunny.
- No, it's funny, 'cause he said "mans" with an S
when it's clearly only one man. And he's a boy.
- Thank you, BJ, but I don't think that was a math joke.
- Yeah, well, Twan, you're a donkey butt toilet face.
- [laughs] Treat it.
Now that's funny.
- I don't get it.
- Seriously?
Donkey butt toilet.
So many layers.
[dramatic music] [laughing]
- I don't know why you're laughing.
Your teeth are so gapped,
I might kick a football through it for three points.
[laughter]
Uh, what's wrong, Z?
Gap got your tongue?
- Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will--
[all booing]
- Wow. Seriously?
- Who takes the high road, man?
That's wack.
- Okay, let's just play back what I have so far.
[smooth hip-hop instrumentals playing]
♪ ♪
[computer static]
[chiptune playing]
♪ ♪
Hmm.
Well, you have fun with that, Amir.
- That's right. Walk away!
"Hustle Quest" is for hustlers, bro.
- Hmm. Maybe just one game.
♪ ♪
- Fight.
- [laughs] Cool.
[serene music playing]
♪ ♪
- I feel so inspired. - Stop.
Now, who'd you give your money to?
- Peace, love, and Ruminate.
Glad you could make it to our intake event.
- Uh, no, thank you.
We're actually here to get
my mom's money back
for this water you scammed her with.
- Super.
I'll connect you to an ocean,
after our aspirational presentation.
- Oh, I love a good presentation.
Can we stay, Angie? Please, please, please?
- You better have my mama's check ready
when this wraps, okay? - No problem.
Just take any open seat and get ready to Ruminate.
[laughs]
♪ ♪
- [sighs]
♪ ♪
- And now, presenting tonight's keynote speaker,
Jessica Mitchell.
[cheers and applause]
- Mm, mm-hmm. Hello, everyone.
Are you ready to make it rain and shmoney?
[cheering]
Only a few years ago, I was just like you,
drowning in debt.
At 28, I had just survived cancer,
was working a dead-end job at a salon,
and living in my parents' basement
with no purpose.
- Sound familiar? - No.
I live upstairs. - Hmph.
- But just when I thought my well was dry,
I found Ruminate.
I'm here to flood your life with possibilities.
At Ruminate, we aren't just hydrating the world
with a revolutionary water
that can cure illnesses and stains.
It also provides multiple streams of income.
All it takes is confidence and a checkbook,
and your fears will evaporate.
Ruminate is excited to announce the new run off program,
which includes an all-inclusive trip to Paris...
- Did she say Paris?
I found my list. My list list.
Welcome to Paris.
Oui, oui, mademoiselle, monsieur.
- That's right, for all sea-level members
that can recruit new puddles
and help make them become moneymaking lakes.
- I'm a river, which is below sea,
but right above lake.
- Okay, then we need to make you a sea
so I can be your lake.
- Who's ready for their tides to turn?
[crowd cheering]
- Oh, we're going-- - Paris!
[cheers and applause]
[chiptune playing]
[baby crying]
[negative beeps]
- Come on.
Maybe $47?
- Dad, my life is over.
I was flambéd, pre-seasoned, and sauteed.
- Are you bleeding?
- Emotionally.
- Oh, that's nice, sweetie. I gotta restart this level.
- Twan made fun of my missing tooth,
and for some reason, everyone laughed at me.
- So he bullied you?
- No, worse.
He flamed me like a Hot Cheeto.
I tried to talk about his--
- Game over.
You lose. - No, Avatar Stephen.
Get up, man. Agh!
Zuri, no one is safe from getting flamed.
No one.
Once, when I was your age, my teacher said
my forehead was bigger than my future.
- [laughs]
- Okay, you finished?
- Why can I not unsee that?
Okay, okay. I'm sorry.
- So I told him, sticks and stones might break my bones--
- Oh, my God.
It's in the genes. Oh, well.
I'll start looking into new schools.
- You're nervous.
- No, I'm not.
- You got this. I'll lead them to the river.
All you gotta do is make them drink.
Although, actually, they are very, very clear
in saying that people should not drink the water.
For legal reasons.
- Okay, okay.
Here she comes.
Act natural.
- Have we made up our minds today?
- Mm-mm. She's on to us. Abort. Abort.
- I think we're good for now, Disparitia.
But the question is, are you?
Those second-rate orthopedic shoes?
Oh, they must be killing your feet.
- My corns have corns. How'd you know?
- I waited tables, too, when I was younger.
I was so broke, I had to save up
to afford free samples.
- Tell me about it.
I'm saving up for grad school,
so I'm pretty broke myself.
- Well, it's good we met,
because I think we can help you out.
Have you heard of Ruminate?
[chiptune playing]
♪ ♪
- You need to google more, Stephen.
You need to google more, Stephen.
Lil Ankh will determine if the beats are rad!
- Game over. You lose.
- [screams]
- You need to google more, Stephen.
[doorbell]
- Now, let's get to the real Paris.
Hey, y'all.
- Now that is a nice briefcase.
Oh, is that real alligator?
- Yep, real gator,
from the swamps of... where gators are.
Hey, what can I say? Ruminate pays.
- Ooh. - Ooh.
- Oh, yeah. - Really?
- I think they're ready to learn.
- This water has dihydrogen monoxide,
an inorganic compound
that's really good for the skin,
body, mind, and natural hair.
[chiptune playing]
♪ ♪
- Hey, Dad.
- Please don't hang me.
I'm almost on level nine.
- Um, your dad's addicted.
- Boom! In your face, Zur-Baby.
In your face.
Oh. - [sighs] Yup.
- What are you doing with that big, dusty book?
Are you casting a spell? - It's an...
[unfamiliarly] Encyclopedia?
Our ancestors used it when their Wi-Fi was down.
I'm learning how to file a cease-and-desist
on Twan for roasting me.
Legal action.
He about to get this work.
- Who taught you how to bag? - My dad's DNA.
- That's right. You don't want none of this,
you sorry excuse for a monster-head face!
- Yeah. Y'all both trash.
But you gotta use your head.
It's big enough.
It's so big, the rest of us use it for shade.
- Hey. I'ma tell.
- You can tell on me.
But then you'll never learn proper bagging technique.
- Oh, fine.
Teach me.
- The training begins now.
Let's go, Zuri.
Run faster.
Jump higher.
Keep going.
No breaks.
Go, go, go!
Again. Again.
Again!
Drag that tire further.
- I don't understand
how this is gonna help me with bagging.
[easygoing music]
- Welcome back, ladies.
- Bonjour, mon ami.
We hit our target sales for the Paris vacation.
Oui, oui, oui.
- A French accent?
How cute.
But you sound like a drunk brat...
from France.
- We came ready with luggage,
passports, and Lactaid.
- Ladies, your trip is so exclusive,
you won't need passports.
See?
- What the flip?
Your mother-flipping butt. - "The flip?" is right.
- Technically, we never said Paris, France, at any point.
- Technically, I shall whip your--
- Tell us where Jessica is,
'cause we need to talk to her.
- Actually, Jessica's in Paris, France.
Whoa.
That's a great way to get downgraded
to fjord status, ladies.
- Oh, "ladies"? - We'll be back.
And next time, we won't be so nice.
- Ah--ah! You get back--
- I tried to tell you it was a scam, Ma.
- How could I be so stupid and so greedy and--
to think I dragged you into this.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
- No, what's sorry is Chicago's broken education system.
You know, I just Googled "dihydrogen monoxide."
That's the chemical compound for H2O, AKA water.
How did I not know that? And I got a degree.
- I thought I was finally teaching you something again,
but you were right.
It was just a scam.
- Oh, Ma.
I mean, it has been fun scamming people together.
- It really was.
But scamming's a dark road.
You start having fun and making a little money.
Before you know it, you've lost your morals,
and you're going on the run
'cause you sold DeShaun Johnson Sr.
a bogus watch for his kids' birthday.
- You did what now? - Nothing.
- Okay, anyway...
you did teach me something.
You taught me how to believe in myself again.
- Well, it's good to have you back.
You used to know exactly where you were going
before you even got there.
I miss that Angela.
- Well, she's back.
Now round up the squad.
We're taking Ruminate down.
- And get our $750 back.
- You talk about my kicks?
I can always get a new pair.
But you can't get a new daddy.
[laughter]
[dramatic Western music]
♪ ♪
[hawk cries]
♪ ♪
[dove coos]
♪ ♪
Well, well, well.
Look what the cat dragged in. Ha.
You back for more?
- The last time I saw something like you,
I flushed it down the toilet.
- [groans]
[laughter]
- But I know your mama told you something like that,
because when you were born, the doctor said,
"It's ug-uh-ly."
[laughter]
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
And tip your lunch ladies, please.
- Zuri, you know it's inappropriate
to bully other kids by telling your-mother jokes at school.
- I'm so sorry. I couldn't hear you.
That shirt is screaming at me.
- Oh. - [laughs]
Well, it's not bullying, Dr. Barry.
She flamed me 'cause I asked for it.
- Academic studies suggest
80% of children who bag on other kids
end up spiraling out of control,
undermining authority figures, forgoing college,
and becoming leeches on society
or, as some people call them, comedians.
Now unless you want to end up slinging jokes for pennies,
knock it off and get back to class.
- You know, we make a good team.
Yo, we should be charging people.
- Yeah, people will pay
a lot of money
to see a head as big as yours.
- [laughs]
[harp scale]
- Rhonda, is my shirt ugly?
- Do you want me to lie to you?
[chiptune playing]
- That's all you got?
♪ ♪
[humming]
- [growls]
- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
[shouting]
- Final level.
- It is I, the big boss,
King Hustler, shaka boom, yeah.
- Show yourself so I can fight you.
- You win.
- Oh, my God. I did it.
I'm the king.
Can't nobody defeat me.
Yeah. Can't nobody defeat me.
Hey, where is everybody?
And what day is it?
[tires squealing]
[upbeat funk music]
[helicopter whirring]
♪ ♪
- We're here to expose you for the fraud that you are
and take this company down, suckers.
- Yeah, get ready to be Ruminated, jive turkeys.
- 30 minutes in the car, and that's the best
you could come up with?
[martial arts whooshes]
- [fighting grunts]
- You don't know who you're playing with.
♪ ♪
- They can exploit our naivete,
but they cannot take our freedom.
Power to the people.
Scammers, with me.
[yells]
♪ ♪
[audible slap]
[projector whirring]
- And somehow,
we secured the bag
and barely made it out before the whole building blew up.
- We were kind of gangster. - I don't buy it.
Black folks storming the suburbs,
and it wasn't on the news?
What really happened?
- Let me guess, y'all asked for your money back,
and you broke even?
- No, Stephen.
They kept half. We ain't even.
- Done. Come on, Amir.
- You beat the whole game? - Child's play.
Get your bars up.
- I've been playing it two whole days.
That's impossible.
Now this right here is a scam.
- No, a scam is when you sign an agreement
say you're gonna pay the rent on time,
then you don't.
- Ooh, Grandpa roasted you, Dad.
- Flawless victory.
Finish him.
Russell wins.
[soft music]
♪ ♪