1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 3 00:00:09,551 --> 00:00:11,344 [anthemic classical music playing] 4 00:00:11,428 --> 00:00:13,930 [narrator] This story is about Sarah Cooper, 5 00:00:14,014 --> 00:00:15,849 who was a morning news anchor 6 00:00:15,974 --> 00:00:19,477 from the spring of 2017 to the fall of 2020. 7 00:00:20,395 --> 00:00:23,523 At her peak, Cooper had a HUT rating of 54 8 00:00:23,606 --> 00:00:25,942 -and a 27 audience share. -[imperceptible] 9 00:00:26,026 --> 00:00:30,030 [narrator] She looks all right here, but inside, she's losing her mind 10 00:00:30,113 --> 00:00:33,825 every time she utters the words, "Everything's fine," 11 00:00:33,908 --> 00:00:36,619 which happens to be the name of her morning show. 12 00:00:40,290 --> 00:00:42,167 [theme music playing] 13 00:00:47,255 --> 00:00:49,591 ♪ Everything's fine ♪ 14 00:00:49,674 --> 00:00:51,301 ♪ It's a brand-new day ♪ 15 00:00:51,384 --> 00:00:53,344 ♪ Everything's fine ♪ 16 00:00:53,428 --> 00:00:55,180 ♪ You've got to celebrate ♪ 17 00:00:55,263 --> 00:00:57,140 ♪ Everything's fine ♪ 18 00:00:57,223 --> 00:00:59,100 ♪ It's gonna be okay ♪ 19 00:00:59,184 --> 00:01:01,686 ♪ Everything's fine ♪ 20 00:01:05,732 --> 00:01:08,485 Good morning and welcome to Everything's Fine, 21 00:01:08,568 --> 00:01:10,779 the morning show where everything's fine. 22 00:01:10,862 --> 00:01:12,781 I'm your host, Sarah Cooper. 23 00:01:12,864 --> 00:01:16,701 Today on the show, an exposé on age-defying makeup. 24 00:01:16,785 --> 00:01:18,328 Does it have the power to take off 25 00:01:18,411 --> 00:01:21,331 the 14 years you aged in the past six months? 26 00:01:21,414 --> 00:01:22,582 We'll find out. 27 00:01:22,665 --> 00:01:25,668 And coming up, there's a new robot CEO in town, 28 00:01:25,752 --> 00:01:27,837 and this time, he's actually a robot. 29 00:01:27,921 --> 00:01:33,134 My exclusive interview with Techtech Corp's new AI executive, 8008s. 30 00:01:33,218 --> 00:01:37,806 Then, an exclusive look inside the now-famous Access Hollywood bus. 31 00:01:37,889 --> 00:01:39,015 You don't want to miss it. 32 00:01:39,099 --> 00:01:41,851 A little later, we'll check in on how the sky is doing 33 00:01:41,935 --> 00:01:44,854 with our favorite meteorologist, Andrea Steele. 34 00:01:44,938 --> 00:01:45,897 She's a scientist. 35 00:01:45,980 --> 00:01:48,191 Plus, another zoo runs out of money 36 00:01:48,274 --> 00:01:50,819 and we'll sugarcoat what happens to all the animals. 37 00:01:50,902 --> 00:01:52,695 -Hope you don't like emus. -[chuckles] 38 00:01:52,779 --> 00:01:55,031 Then, we'll have all the latest fall fashions 39 00:01:55,115 --> 00:01:57,450 you can wear to that conference call from your bedroom. 40 00:01:57,534 --> 00:01:59,119 Big story this morning. 41 00:01:59,202 --> 00:02:02,330 Scientists say an asteroid is headed straight for this… 42 00:02:02,413 --> 00:02:03,873 Breaking news! 43 00:02:03,957 --> 00:02:05,250 Breaking news. 44 00:02:06,084 --> 00:02:08,962 The president is on the line and wants to say hi. 45 00:02:09,587 --> 00:02:11,673 I guess we weren't able to change our number. 46 00:02:11,756 --> 00:02:13,508 How are you doing, Mr. President? 47 00:02:13,591 --> 00:02:15,635 [Trump's voice] So, we have many exciting things 48 00:02:15,718 --> 00:02:17,846 that we'll be announcing over the next, uh… 49 00:02:18,596 --> 00:02:20,223 -eight weeks, I would say. -Oh. Exciting. 50 00:02:20,306 --> 00:02:21,683 We're gonna get things done. 51 00:02:21,766 --> 00:02:25,061 We're gonna get things done that they've wanted to see done… 52 00:02:25,645 --> 00:02:27,272 for a long, long time. 53 00:02:27,355 --> 00:02:28,773 What have you started on, Mr. President? 54 00:02:28,857 --> 00:02:29,983 We're gonna get things done. 55 00:02:30,567 --> 00:02:34,154 We have, uh… We're taking on immigration, taking on education. 56 00:02:35,321 --> 00:02:40,660 We're taking on so many aspects of things that, uh… 57 00:02:41,244 --> 00:02:44,956 people were hopelessly tied up in knots in Congress, 58 00:02:45,039 --> 00:02:47,250 but you'll see, uh… 59 00:02:48,126 --> 00:02:49,586 levels of detail, 60 00:02:50,211 --> 00:02:52,463 -levels of thought… -I would love to see detail. 61 00:02:52,547 --> 00:02:56,176 …that a lot of people believed very strongly we didn't have in this country. 62 00:02:56,259 --> 00:02:58,011 Uh, Mr. President, it looks like you're golfing. 63 00:02:58,094 --> 00:03:02,348 Things that nobody has even contemplated, thought about, thought possible. 64 00:03:02,974 --> 00:03:04,559 We're gonna get things done. [coughs] 65 00:03:05,935 --> 00:03:07,520 So when are you gonna start on this stuff? 66 00:03:07,604 --> 00:03:11,316 So, I think we'll start sometime on Tuesday? 67 00:03:11,399 --> 00:03:12,692 [Sarah] Tuesday works. 68 00:03:13,568 --> 00:03:16,112 Then we're going into the immigration, the world of immigration 69 00:03:16,196 --> 00:03:17,780 -and education. -Immigration, education. 70 00:03:17,864 --> 00:03:19,157 You did mention that before. 71 00:03:19,240 --> 00:03:21,242 We're going into the world of healthcare. 72 00:03:21,326 --> 00:03:23,494 -Oh! I'm gonna let you get back… -…a lot of exciting… 73 00:03:23,578 --> 00:03:25,538 …to starting on those plans, Mr. President. 74 00:03:25,622 --> 00:03:28,374 Thank you so much for calling us again. 75 00:03:28,458 --> 00:03:32,712 A lot of us are working from home, but some of us are twerking from home. 76 00:03:32,795 --> 00:03:36,758 Here to show us how she does it, please welcome Megan Thee Stallion. 77 00:03:36,841 --> 00:03:38,176 Hi, Sarah Cooper! 78 00:03:38,259 --> 00:03:39,761 -Good morning, Megan. -Sarah! 79 00:03:40,553 --> 00:03:41,638 -[static] -Can you hear me? 80 00:03:43,556 --> 00:03:44,390 -Megan? -[Megan] Sarah? 81 00:03:44,474 --> 00:03:46,476 -Megan… Megan, can you hear me? -Sarah! 82 00:03:47,101 --> 00:03:47,936 Megan? 83 00:03:49,229 --> 00:03:50,063 Megan? 84 00:03:50,563 --> 00:03:54,442 [chuckles] We're gonna get a little update from Scooter in a second. 85 00:03:54,525 --> 00:03:55,777 We'll sort this right out. 86 00:03:58,780 --> 00:03:59,948 We'll just move on. 87 00:04:01,032 --> 00:04:02,450 Scooter, are you getting the Internet? 88 00:04:02,533 --> 00:04:04,244 It seems to be working fine right here. 89 00:04:04,327 --> 00:04:05,161 Plenty of Wi-Fi. 90 00:04:05,245 --> 00:04:06,079 Plenty. 91 00:04:06,162 --> 00:04:07,580 Oh, my goodness, the Internet, right? 92 00:04:07,664 --> 00:04:10,333 -Wi-Fi is so weird. -Yeah. 93 00:04:10,416 --> 00:04:13,461 -Do we need a modem, Scooter? -We need a modem, yeah… [chuckling] 94 00:04:13,544 --> 00:04:15,129 [Sarah] It's a cable joke. 95 00:04:16,130 --> 00:04:17,882 [laughing] Hoop-dee-hoo! 96 00:04:17,966 --> 00:04:21,052 Yeah. We'll have to wait between 10:00 a.m. and 6:00 p.m. 97 00:04:21,135 --> 00:04:23,054 for them to come in. [laughing] 98 00:04:23,137 --> 00:04:23,972 So funny. 99 00:04:24,055 --> 00:04:27,141 We might not have any Internet access, but in good news, 100 00:04:27,225 --> 00:04:31,729 we have a woman whose baked goods have become a national sensation. 101 00:04:31,813 --> 00:04:35,483 Not just for how they taste, but for what they wear. 102 00:04:35,984 --> 00:04:39,362 Please welcome, all the way from Wedgecot, New Jersey, 103 00:04:39,445 --> 00:04:42,198 the creator of Cupcake Shoes, K.J. Dillard. 104 00:04:46,953 --> 00:04:48,454 [Scooter] Think you're going the wrong way. 105 00:04:51,291 --> 00:04:52,208 There we go. 106 00:04:53,418 --> 00:04:54,877 [director] All right, go to camera two. 107 00:04:55,545 --> 00:04:56,671 Beautiful. 108 00:04:56,754 --> 00:04:58,131 [in sing-song voice] My pretty. 109 00:04:58,214 --> 00:05:01,301 Little bit of curly hair for you. 110 00:05:01,384 --> 00:05:02,427 [gasps] 111 00:05:02,510 --> 00:05:03,594 [softly] There we go. 112 00:05:04,262 --> 00:05:06,222 -Welcome, K.J.! -[gasps] 113 00:05:06,306 --> 00:05:09,142 Oh, my God, you startled me. [chuckles] 114 00:05:09,225 --> 00:05:10,768 I'm here to do the Sarah Cooper show. 115 00:05:10,852 --> 00:05:12,937 And we are so excited to have you. 116 00:05:13,021 --> 00:05:15,481 These might be the cutest cupcakes I've ever seen. 117 00:05:15,565 --> 00:05:16,941 They are my pride and joy. 118 00:05:17,025 --> 00:05:19,694 Now I'd appreciate it if you got Sarah for me. Thank you. 119 00:05:19,777 --> 00:05:21,112 I'm Sarah Cooper. 120 00:05:21,195 --> 00:05:23,614 I didn't say "Sierra," honey. I said "Sarah." 121 00:05:23,698 --> 00:05:24,699 That is Sarah Cooper. 122 00:05:25,366 --> 00:05:27,952 I'm Sarah Cooper, the host of the show. 123 00:05:30,121 --> 00:05:31,080 You're Sarah Cooper? 124 00:05:31,164 --> 00:05:32,915 -Yep. -Can I see some ID? 125 00:05:32,999 --> 00:05:37,837 Here is my license, passport, and my birth certificate. 126 00:05:37,920 --> 00:05:41,132 No, I need to see some kind of a permit that shows me 127 00:05:41,215 --> 00:05:42,925 that you're allowed to be on the premises. 128 00:05:43,009 --> 00:05:44,510 Okay, K.J., 129 00:05:44,594 --> 00:05:48,431 why don't you tell our viewers how you came up with this fabulous idea? 130 00:05:49,223 --> 00:05:53,186 Well, I used to design these dolls called "little pooples" 131 00:05:53,269 --> 00:05:54,937 that you'd put on the end of your toilet, 132 00:05:55,021 --> 00:05:57,482 and then I got tired because I wasn't able to eat 'em. 133 00:05:57,565 --> 00:06:00,860 So, should I be sharing personal information with this person? 134 00:06:00,943 --> 00:06:02,445 It just… It helps with banter. 135 00:06:02,528 --> 00:06:03,654 I love this little guy. 136 00:06:03,738 --> 00:06:05,281 What is his name? 137 00:06:05,365 --> 00:06:08,910 His name is Broadway Berry 'cause he's berry-flavored, 138 00:06:08,993 --> 00:06:10,119 and he's very fragile. 139 00:06:10,203 --> 00:06:13,039 Well, I am ready to make one. 140 00:06:13,122 --> 00:06:15,083 [gasps and exclaims] 141 00:06:15,166 --> 00:06:17,251 -[dialing] -[operator] 9-1-1, what's your emergency? 142 00:06:17,335 --> 00:06:20,505 -This is Karen June Dillard. -Karen! 143 00:06:20,588 --> 00:06:23,466 I am with a person and my gut tells me she is up to no good. 144 00:06:23,549 --> 00:06:25,927 -Scooter. -I can't hear anything. Got my gloves on. 145 00:06:26,010 --> 00:06:28,096 [K.J.] Yes, she's a female. 146 00:06:28,179 --> 00:06:31,057 And I would say at least 70% Africo-American. 147 00:06:31,140 --> 00:06:34,018 Yes. Now she's destroying my property! 148 00:06:34,102 --> 00:06:35,728 This is my property. 149 00:06:35,812 --> 00:06:37,021 [gasps] 150 00:06:37,105 --> 00:06:39,107 [woman] Welcome to "Karens." 151 00:06:40,108 --> 00:06:41,359 I'm Whoopi Goldberg. 152 00:06:44,904 --> 00:06:49,742 In 1876, a Boston Karen bemoaned to her husband 153 00:06:49,826 --> 00:06:53,913 how taxing it was for her to walk miles into town 154 00:06:53,996 --> 00:06:56,791 every time she wanted to get a Black person arrested. 155 00:06:57,333 --> 00:06:59,836 He vowed to resolve this issue. 156 00:06:59,919 --> 00:07:04,966 "Wife," he said, "I shall make it so that you may summon the police on Black people 157 00:07:05,049 --> 00:07:07,635 from the comfort of our very home." 158 00:07:07,718 --> 00:07:10,930 His name was Alexander Graham Bell. 159 00:07:11,931 --> 00:07:14,225 [Karen Bell] They're standing by my horse! 160 00:07:14,308 --> 00:07:15,643 [horse neighs] 161 00:07:15,726 --> 00:07:17,478 [Whoopi] But the role of Karens 162 00:07:17,562 --> 00:07:20,940 did not start with the invention of the telephone. 163 00:07:21,023 --> 00:07:23,734 The New World was crawling with Karens. 164 00:07:23,818 --> 00:07:27,989 Karen over here, Karen over there, Karens every-goddamn-where. 165 00:07:28,072 --> 00:07:29,949 [Karen] They're on my property! 166 00:07:31,200 --> 00:07:34,787 [Whoopi] Some even claim that they can trace the roots of Karens 167 00:07:34,871 --> 00:07:37,748 as far back as the book of Genesis. 168 00:07:38,374 --> 00:07:40,501 [Karen] They're eating that snake's apple! 169 00:07:41,711 --> 00:07:45,923 [Whoopi] When we come back, my actual next-door neighbor, Karen. 170 00:07:46,007 --> 00:07:48,843 I've got a few choice words to say to this bitch. 171 00:07:50,011 --> 00:07:53,347 [man] Sore muscles, back pain, headaches and weakness. 172 00:07:53,431 --> 00:07:56,517 If you have COVID-19, getting a good night's sleep can be rough. 173 00:07:56,601 --> 00:07:59,270 But starting now, your pesky pains are over. 174 00:07:59,353 --> 00:08:02,106 From the makers of MrPillow comes a brand-new product, 175 00:08:02,190 --> 00:08:04,275 the MrPillow Coronavirus Vaccine. 176 00:08:04,859 --> 00:08:05,693 Hi. 177 00:08:05,776 --> 00:08:11,240 I'm Steve Windell, the creator of MrPillow and MrPillowPlus. 178 00:08:11,324 --> 00:08:15,828 For 20 years, I've dedicated my life to making firm yet fluffy pillows 179 00:08:15,912 --> 00:08:17,663 that don't break the bank. 180 00:08:17,747 --> 00:08:21,083 So, I thought, "Why not take the magic of MrPillow 181 00:08:21,167 --> 00:08:24,045 and use it to make a vaccine for coronavirus?" 182 00:08:24,128 --> 00:08:27,131 So, how does it work? It's pretty simple, actually. 183 00:08:27,215 --> 00:08:30,927 The MrPillow Vaccine is made from thousands of tiny microscopic pillows 184 00:08:31,010 --> 00:08:33,429 shrunken down to the size of the deadly virus. 185 00:08:33,513 --> 00:08:37,016 Once injected into the bloodstream, these individualized pillows 186 00:08:37,099 --> 00:08:39,810 insert themselves under the novel coronavirus 187 00:08:39,894 --> 00:08:42,396 and lull it into a restful slumber. 188 00:08:42,480 --> 00:08:46,817 The virus now defenseless, the body's immune cells can go to work. 189 00:08:46,901 --> 00:08:50,821 That's how we here at MrPillow put the science back in sleep science. 190 00:08:51,864 --> 00:08:54,742 I got my friendly MrPillow Vaccine in the mail, 191 00:08:54,825 --> 00:08:58,621 and three days later, I already feel immune to COVID 192 00:08:58,704 --> 00:09:00,915 and ready to mix and mingle. 193 00:09:00,998 --> 00:09:03,084 I'm even going to a pool party later. 194 00:09:03,167 --> 00:09:04,835 Thank you, MrPillow. 195 00:09:04,919 --> 00:09:09,215 And I had COVID for three weeks and then I got it again! 196 00:09:09,298 --> 00:09:13,052 Hey! I think I'll load up on that vaccine right now. 197 00:09:13,135 --> 00:09:14,011 Nurse? 198 00:09:17,932 --> 00:09:19,767 I feel better already. 199 00:09:19,850 --> 00:09:25,439 Order the MrPillow Coronavirus Vaccine for just four easy payments of $99, 200 00:09:25,523 --> 00:09:28,901 or $12,000 with insurance. 201 00:09:28,985 --> 00:09:32,780 The MrPillow Coronavirus Vaccine works. 202 00:09:33,281 --> 00:09:35,533 [man] The MrPillow Coronavirus Vaccine may cause coronavirus. 203 00:09:38,035 --> 00:09:39,245 [whirring] 204 00:09:44,041 --> 00:09:47,545 [Trump's voice] Anynomous… really anomous. 205 00:09:48,212 --> 00:09:49,922 [speaking alien language] 206 00:09:51,924 --> 00:09:54,719 Thank you so much to our viewers for your patience. 207 00:09:54,802 --> 00:09:57,221 We got our technical difficulties all figured out 208 00:09:57,305 --> 00:10:01,809 and we are so excited to welcome "she likes to hoist up her moist stuff," 209 00:10:01,892 --> 00:10:03,352 Megan Thee Stallion. 210 00:10:05,104 --> 00:10:06,188 Hey, Sarah Cooper! 211 00:10:06,272 --> 00:10:08,482 Megan, it is so amazing to have you here. 212 00:10:08,566 --> 00:10:09,942 You are such a legend. 213 00:10:10,026 --> 00:10:11,068 I have a question. 214 00:10:11,152 --> 00:10:13,029 I'm sure it's on the minds of all our viewers. 215 00:10:13,112 --> 00:10:15,865 How are you dealing with this whole "new normal" thing? 216 00:10:15,948 --> 00:10:16,824 Listen, Sarah Cooper, 217 00:10:16,907 --> 00:10:19,994 I'm not going outside until coronavirus is a memory, okay? 218 00:10:20,077 --> 00:10:22,038 Like, you can go back in the textbook and be like, 219 00:10:22,121 --> 00:10:24,707 "Damn, y'all remember coronavirus? That shit was crazy, right?" 220 00:10:24,790 --> 00:10:26,292 -[chuckles] Yeah. -So until then, 221 00:10:26,375 --> 00:10:27,835 I'm staying my ass in the house. 222 00:10:27,918 --> 00:10:29,920 [narrator] Sarah had to make a pee-pee, 223 00:10:30,004 --> 00:10:33,257 but knew she had to play it cool for the folks at home. 224 00:10:33,341 --> 00:10:36,344 I have to say, that ass you're staying in the house is very nice. 225 00:10:36,844 --> 00:10:38,721 How do you look so good all the time? 226 00:10:38,804 --> 00:10:42,767 Well, you know, I like to work out, gotta keep that ass tight, sharp. 227 00:10:42,850 --> 00:10:44,435 [chuckling] Real hot-girl shit. 228 00:10:44,518 --> 00:10:45,895 [Sarah] Yeah, real hot-girl stuff. 229 00:10:45,978 --> 00:10:48,773 Any tips you can give us for working out at home? 230 00:10:48,856 --> 00:10:51,984 Definitely. I actually have this great workout called "Drink your drink." 231 00:10:52,068 --> 00:10:53,235 -Drink your drink? -Goes like this. 232 00:10:53,319 --> 00:10:58,032 Get your cup, and one… and two. And… 233 00:10:58,115 --> 00:10:59,784 [mimics drink flowing] 234 00:11:03,120 --> 00:11:04,038 Is that cognac? 235 00:11:04,538 --> 00:11:05,873 Yes, Sarah Cooper, yeah, it is. 236 00:11:05,956 --> 00:11:09,877 I been doing this every day for quarantine and let me tell you, I feel great. 237 00:11:09,960 --> 00:11:10,961 Well, you look great. 238 00:11:11,045 --> 00:11:12,713 Thanks. You, too, can look like this. 239 00:11:12,797 --> 00:11:15,549 All you gotta do is grab some cognac, add a little squat to it. 240 00:11:15,633 --> 00:11:17,093 Even a little lunge. 241 00:11:17,176 --> 00:11:18,386 Real easy, like… Mmm. 242 00:11:18,469 --> 00:11:19,512 Like that? 243 00:11:19,595 --> 00:11:21,222 A little more sexy 244 00:11:21,764 --> 00:11:23,849 and a little less like you sitting on the toilet. 245 00:11:23,933 --> 00:11:25,434 Somebody get her some cognac. 246 00:11:25,518 --> 00:11:27,645 -Scooter, can I get some cognac? -[Scooter] Yes. 247 00:11:30,523 --> 00:11:32,441 Trying to do the six feet, so… 248 00:11:32,525 --> 00:11:34,985 So, all you gotta do is dip and sip. 249 00:11:35,778 --> 00:11:37,321 [both] Dip and sip. 250 00:11:38,030 --> 00:11:39,407 Dip and sip. 251 00:11:39,490 --> 00:11:41,242 -Yep, yep, yep. -[sexy music playing] 252 00:11:41,826 --> 00:11:42,910 I think I'm doing it! 253 00:11:42,993 --> 00:11:45,037 I've never twerked before in my life. [laughs] 254 00:11:45,121 --> 00:11:46,664 -It's happening. -No, try it like this. 255 00:11:46,747 --> 00:11:48,124 -Try it a little more sexy. -Okay. 256 00:11:48,916 --> 00:11:51,085 -Pow, pow, pow. -Little hair flip. 257 00:11:52,378 --> 00:11:55,047 Girl, live your life, do you, be a hot girl. 258 00:11:55,923 --> 00:11:58,217 Everybody wasn't meant to be in the twerk Olympics, 259 00:11:58,300 --> 00:11:59,760 so just do you, be you. 260 00:11:59,844 --> 00:12:02,096 -Be the best Sarah Cooper you can be. -I can do that. 261 00:12:03,055 --> 00:12:04,682 This is a really great workout. 262 00:12:05,349 --> 00:12:06,934 I know! Real hot-girl shit. 263 00:12:07,017 --> 00:12:09,937 [Scooter] If you don't mind, this is supposed to be six feet. 264 00:12:10,020 --> 00:12:12,898 We certainly are lubed up here at the Everything's Fine studio. 265 00:12:12,982 --> 00:12:14,108 We'll be right back. 266 00:12:14,191 --> 00:12:16,318 [Scooter] All right, we are out. Good job. 267 00:12:21,407 --> 00:12:24,076 -[cork pops] -This stuff is really strong. 268 00:12:24,160 --> 00:12:26,746 [theme song playing] 269 00:12:26,829 --> 00:12:30,916 It's the 3:00 a.m. hour here on QAnon QAC. 270 00:12:31,000 --> 00:12:33,294 Just a note, this is the real QAnon, 271 00:12:33,377 --> 00:12:37,631 not the other one people were saying was the real QAnon on 4chan. 272 00:12:37,715 --> 00:12:38,841 Please stop doxing me. 273 00:12:38,924 --> 00:12:40,801 I've had to move five times. 274 00:12:40,885 --> 00:12:42,428 Let's check in with our viewers. 275 00:12:42,511 --> 00:12:44,221 Emma from Philadelphia. 276 00:12:44,305 --> 00:12:45,139 [Emma] Hey, Ashley. 277 00:12:45,222 --> 00:12:46,474 How are you this morning? 278 00:12:46,557 --> 00:12:48,517 Longtime caller, always listening. 279 00:12:48,601 --> 00:12:52,730 You blinked your right eye just now when you said this was the real QAnon. 280 00:12:52,813 --> 00:12:56,317 Was that a sign that you have been contacted by the god of fire? 281 00:12:56,400 --> 00:12:58,903 [chuckles] Don't be ridiculous, Emma. 282 00:12:58,986 --> 00:13:01,197 That was a nervous tic in my eye. 283 00:13:01,280 --> 00:13:03,282 It was not a coded message. 284 00:13:03,365 --> 00:13:06,619 Believe me, you will know when I've been contacted by the god of fire. 285 00:13:06,702 --> 00:13:07,745 Thanks, Ashley. 286 00:13:07,828 --> 00:13:08,996 [ominous music playing] 287 00:13:11,081 --> 00:13:13,918 -[easy jazz music playing] -This morning, we are proud to feature 288 00:13:14,001 --> 00:13:18,464 our Indoctrination Porcelain Doll Collection. 289 00:13:18,547 --> 00:13:22,843 They're stunning dolls, and yes, we do accept cryptocurrency, 290 00:13:22,927 --> 00:13:24,845 but only QCoin. 291 00:13:24,929 --> 00:13:27,389 Let's take a look at these dolls. 292 00:13:27,473 --> 00:13:29,266 How adorable. 293 00:13:29,350 --> 00:13:33,020 It's presidential mouthpiece, Kellyanne. 294 00:13:33,103 --> 00:13:35,314 [Kellyanne's voice] Don't be so overly dramatic about it, Chuck. 295 00:13:35,397 --> 00:13:37,233 What it… You're saying it's a falsehood, 296 00:13:37,316 --> 00:13:40,694 and they're giving Sean Spicer, our press secretary, gave… 297 00:13:41,362 --> 00:13:43,405 alternative facts to that, but the point… 298 00:13:43,948 --> 00:13:46,075 Ugh. Never a dull moment. 299 00:13:46,158 --> 00:13:50,788 This one just talks and talks and talks and talks and talks. 300 00:13:50,871 --> 00:13:55,000 Order soon as this one has recently been discontinued. 301 00:13:55,501 --> 00:13:57,753 [gasps] Ah! My naan! 302 00:13:58,337 --> 00:13:59,463 Thank you, Quincy. 303 00:13:59,964 --> 00:14:00,840 I'm so sorry. 304 00:14:00,923 --> 00:14:04,134 I am just so starving and it is hard to get good Indian food 305 00:14:04,218 --> 00:14:05,845 in this undisclosed location. 306 00:14:05,928 --> 00:14:07,930 [sniffs] Ahh! 307 00:14:08,806 --> 00:14:09,849 Next caller. 308 00:14:09,932 --> 00:14:10,850 [man] Hey, Ashley. 309 00:14:10,933 --> 00:14:15,646 [laughing] Mike from Minnesota, how are you again? 310 00:14:15,729 --> 00:14:18,107 Did you just get naan from Quincy? 311 00:14:18,190 --> 00:14:19,942 Is that a code for QAnon? 312 00:14:20,025 --> 00:14:22,278 Right? QAnon, a sign that you're Q? 313 00:14:22,361 --> 00:14:26,782 I am not Q, I am just on in the middle of the night selling porcelain dolls. 314 00:14:26,866 --> 00:14:30,411 Q is in Washington uncovering a cabal of sex predators. 315 00:14:30,494 --> 00:14:32,746 I appreciate you sending me messages through the TV. 316 00:14:32,830 --> 00:14:36,917 Next we have, "I am woman, hear me roar, 317 00:14:37,001 --> 00:14:40,379 but very softly so I still sound sexy." 318 00:14:40,462 --> 00:14:41,589 [softly] Ivanka. 319 00:14:41,672 --> 00:14:47,887 This doll teaches our daughters that it's better to be seen and not heard. 320 00:14:48,637 --> 00:14:54,184 [Ivanka's voice] If being complicit is wanting to… 321 00:14:57,479 --> 00:15:02,526 Is wanting to be a force for good and to make a positive impact, 322 00:15:03,277 --> 00:15:05,279 then I'm complicit. 323 00:15:05,362 --> 00:15:07,072 -[thunder cracks] -[yells in fear] 324 00:15:07,156 --> 00:15:08,490 Whoo! 325 00:15:08,574 --> 00:15:10,117 The storm is coming. 326 00:15:10,200 --> 00:15:12,036 I told you this was the real QAnon. 327 00:15:12,119 --> 00:15:13,245 Next caller! 328 00:15:13,329 --> 00:15:15,039 [distorted voice] How's it going? 329 00:15:15,122 --> 00:15:16,874 Are you saying we can expect a storm 330 00:15:16,957 --> 00:15:18,918 when the president will reveal the mass execution 331 00:15:19,001 --> 00:15:21,921 of the Washington figures responsible for murdering a DNC staffer? 332 00:15:22,004 --> 00:15:24,298 I'd say keep your eyes open, 333 00:15:24,381 --> 00:15:28,802 and coming up in the 4:00 a.m. hour, we have a phenomenal weighted blanket 334 00:15:28,886 --> 00:15:29,929 that you're not gonna-- 335 00:15:30,012 --> 00:15:32,973 Weighted blankets are a media tool invented by George Soros. 336 00:15:33,057 --> 00:15:34,016 Watch your back, Ashley. 337 00:15:34,099 --> 00:15:36,143 I always do, honey. I have to. 338 00:15:36,226 --> 00:15:41,023 Finally, we have the best first lady, Melania. 339 00:15:41,106 --> 00:15:44,568 Beautiful, stunning, and really, what else do you need? 340 00:15:44,652 --> 00:15:47,696 [Melania's voice] I'm very involved in charities now, many charities 341 00:15:47,780 --> 00:15:51,617 involving children, involving many different diseases. 342 00:15:51,700 --> 00:15:54,078 Hi… Melania. 343 00:15:54,161 --> 00:16:01,001 All of these dolls are available now by calling 666-666-6666… 344 00:16:01,085 --> 00:16:04,421 666666… 345 00:16:04,505 --> 00:16:05,923 This is not the real QAnon. 346 00:16:06,006 --> 00:16:07,341 Get out now! 347 00:16:07,424 --> 00:16:09,218 [Christmas bells jangling] 348 00:16:12,221 --> 00:16:17,393 [Sarah] The former QAnon host starts her new job at the White House this week. 349 00:16:17,476 --> 00:16:18,894 [breaking news alert plays] 350 00:16:21,897 --> 00:16:24,149 We have some breaking news coming in. 351 00:16:24,733 --> 00:16:28,904 It appears the president is live-tweeting this program right now, 352 00:16:28,988 --> 00:16:30,739 and we've noticed a ratings bump 353 00:16:30,823 --> 00:16:33,033 when we show what he's saying about us in real time, 354 00:16:33,117 --> 00:16:35,285 so… that's what we're gonna do. 355 00:16:35,369 --> 00:16:39,790 Okay, so the president is saying that everything is not fine. 356 00:16:39,873 --> 00:16:43,252 Uh, I guess we'll have to see if we can change the name of the show. 357 00:16:43,335 --> 00:16:44,461 [Scooter] I'm open to it. 358 00:16:44,545 --> 00:16:48,507 "Now they're playing my tweet. Stop playing my tweet. That's my tweet." 359 00:16:49,008 --> 00:16:52,302 The president now thinks "the country is totally fine" 360 00:16:52,386 --> 00:16:53,887 and "it's the best it's ever been." 361 00:16:53,971 --> 00:16:55,180 "Because of me." 362 00:16:55,264 --> 00:16:57,349 Who, me? "No, me, the president." 363 00:16:57,433 --> 00:16:59,435 "Best president ever." 364 00:16:59,518 --> 00:17:00,352 Oh. 365 00:17:00,436 --> 00:17:02,104 [cheerfully] Best president ever! 366 00:17:03,814 --> 00:17:08,193 And the president now likes our show again and our ratings are… 367 00:17:09,528 --> 00:17:11,030 up! Great. 368 00:17:11,113 --> 00:17:15,325 More on these tweets as they continue to suck the life out of our democracy. 369 00:17:15,951 --> 00:17:17,995 -[buzzer sounds] -[theme song playing] 370 00:17:18,078 --> 00:17:20,080 -[Scooter] Great segment. -[Sarah] Thank you! 371 00:17:20,831 --> 00:17:23,584 [narrator] Sarah wasn't sure the segment had gone great. 372 00:17:23,667 --> 00:17:26,503 She wasn't sure of much at all anymore. 373 00:17:26,587 --> 00:17:27,755 [heart beating] 374 00:17:27,838 --> 00:17:30,007 [Scooter] Uh, we're ready for robot CEO. 375 00:17:30,507 --> 00:17:31,550 I'm Sarah Cooper. 376 00:17:31,633 --> 00:17:32,801 [echoes] I'm Sarah Cooper. 377 00:17:32,885 --> 00:17:34,053 We'll be right back. 378 00:17:35,345 --> 00:17:36,430 [director] We're out. 379 00:17:36,513 --> 00:17:38,223 Do you know what I miss? 380 00:17:38,307 --> 00:17:39,224 Shawarma. 381 00:17:39,308 --> 00:17:42,853 I miss eating shawarma in a really crowded restaurant 382 00:17:42,936 --> 00:17:45,522 in close proximity to other diners. 383 00:17:45,606 --> 00:17:47,900 Yeah. People sitting two feet away from you 384 00:17:47,983 --> 00:17:50,778 just shoveling food into their disgusting mouths. 385 00:17:50,861 --> 00:17:52,988 [man] I miss that human connection. 386 00:17:53,072 --> 00:17:54,448 -[director] Oh, Sarah. -Hi. 387 00:17:54,531 --> 00:17:56,992 -Why did you want to meet with us? -You called me in here. 388 00:17:57,076 --> 00:17:58,994 [man] Okay, smarty pants. 389 00:17:59,078 --> 00:18:02,289 Let's look at your file and see how your ratings are doing. 390 00:18:02,372 --> 00:18:03,957 I forgot. I can't read. 391 00:18:05,876 --> 00:18:06,877 All right. [clears throat] 392 00:18:06,960 --> 00:18:10,714 Looks like 35% of our audience likes that you're Black, 393 00:18:10,798 --> 00:18:13,801 30% of our audience doesn't like that you're Black, 394 00:18:13,884 --> 00:18:16,512 50% of our audience doesn't know you're Black, 395 00:18:16,595 --> 00:18:19,389 but thankfully, 80% of our audience 396 00:18:19,473 --> 00:18:21,642 feels extremely threatened by you, Sarah. 397 00:18:21,725 --> 00:18:23,894 It's that attitude of yours. 398 00:18:23,977 --> 00:18:26,021 -I don't think I have an attitude. -[man] There it is. 399 00:18:26,105 --> 00:18:27,106 There it is. 400 00:18:27,189 --> 00:18:29,399 The boss didn't hire you to be aggressive. 401 00:18:29,483 --> 00:18:34,822 The boss hired you to be a non-threatening Black woman like Tootie and Lisa Turtle, 402 00:18:34,905 --> 00:18:35,864 and that other one. 403 00:18:35,948 --> 00:18:37,991 Lovable, but forgettable. 404 00:18:38,075 --> 00:18:40,285 Well, I think it might be a little confusing, 405 00:18:40,369 --> 00:18:43,497 because I'm named Sarah, and I feel like when my parents named me Sarah, 406 00:18:43,580 --> 00:18:47,376 a white lady just moved into my body and gentrified my whole personality, 407 00:18:47,459 --> 00:18:48,335 you know? 408 00:18:48,418 --> 00:18:49,920 Like, my mom would cook jerk chicken-- 409 00:18:50,003 --> 00:18:51,797 -I love jerk chicken. -He does. He's a jerk. 410 00:18:51,880 --> 00:18:53,340 -He loves the chicken. -I love it. 411 00:18:53,423 --> 00:18:56,760 And I'd be like, "Oh, this is too spicy." And she'd say, 412 00:18:56,844 --> 00:18:59,012 [in Jamaican accent] "There are children around the world, 413 00:18:59,096 --> 00:19:01,306 all they get for dinner is bread and water." 414 00:19:01,390 --> 00:19:03,976 And I'd be like, "That actually sounds pretty good." 415 00:19:04,059 --> 00:19:05,727 Like, a scone and a chai latte. 416 00:19:05,811 --> 00:19:09,106 Yes, a scone and chai tea latte would be perfect. 417 00:19:09,189 --> 00:19:10,566 Any time of the day. 418 00:19:11,066 --> 00:19:14,069 Um… That would be really great 'cause I was born in Jamaica, 419 00:19:14,153 --> 00:19:15,904 -but moved here when I was three. -Jamaica. 420 00:19:15,988 --> 00:19:16,864 I knew it. 421 00:19:16,947 --> 00:19:19,366 I actually watched these characters when I was little. 422 00:19:19,449 --> 00:19:23,620 I mean, Tootie and Lisa and Hilary and… and… 423 00:19:23,704 --> 00:19:24,746 Um… 424 00:19:24,830 --> 00:19:25,789 And that other one. 425 00:19:25,873 --> 00:19:29,376 I mean, these characters inspired me, you know? 426 00:19:29,459 --> 00:19:32,838 I feel like they ran so that I could sing. 427 00:19:32,921 --> 00:19:36,884 But you can't sing, which is why you're on the morning show and not on Broadway. 428 00:19:38,260 --> 00:19:39,845 Okay, I will tone it down. 429 00:19:39,928 --> 00:19:43,682 [director] Yeah. Stick to the news. All right? Leave politics out of it. 430 00:19:44,349 --> 00:19:45,434 Got it. 431 00:19:45,517 --> 00:19:46,351 Thank you. 432 00:19:46,435 --> 00:19:47,352 [man] Better go. 433 00:19:48,020 --> 00:19:49,188 -Yeah. -Marv, do you think 434 00:19:49,271 --> 00:19:50,731 I should buy another gun? 435 00:19:50,814 --> 00:19:53,609 Lorraine, what are you talking about? 436 00:19:53,692 --> 00:19:55,068 Are you crazy? 437 00:19:55,152 --> 00:19:57,696 -Of course you should buy another gun. -Thank you. 438 00:19:57,779 --> 00:20:00,741 -We live in very dangerous times. -You're right. 439 00:20:01,950 --> 00:20:03,410 [Scooter] Hey, pals. How's it going? 440 00:20:04,077 --> 00:20:06,663 -Hi! Scooter. -Hey, Scooter. 441 00:20:06,747 --> 00:20:07,664 What's going on here? 442 00:20:07,748 --> 00:20:10,626 [Scooter] This is to keep things safe, six-foot distance. 443 00:20:10,709 --> 00:20:12,294 -Smart. -He's so smart. 444 00:20:12,377 --> 00:20:13,795 [Scooter] Well, as you were. 445 00:20:13,879 --> 00:20:15,297 -See you later. -[Lorraine] Thank you. 446 00:20:15,380 --> 00:20:16,924 [Marvin chuckles] 447 00:20:17,007 --> 00:20:18,592 Get the door on your way out? 448 00:20:18,675 --> 00:20:20,802 [Scooter] Sure. I can't touch the doorknob. 449 00:20:22,262 --> 00:20:24,306 Can you just shut the door, please? 450 00:20:26,058 --> 00:20:27,726 [Scooter] It's not me, it's the door. 451 00:20:27,809 --> 00:20:29,144 [Lorraine] Gotta get some work done. 452 00:20:29,228 --> 00:20:30,646 -If you could-- -Close the door! 453 00:20:31,521 --> 00:20:33,148 [Scooter] This has to get fixed. 454 00:20:39,321 --> 00:20:41,949 This is Connie Chung with the president this morning. 455 00:20:42,616 --> 00:20:46,453 Mr. President, what is your plan to unite the country? 456 00:20:46,536 --> 00:20:48,789 [Trump's voice] I'm not a big fan of sharks either. 457 00:20:48,872 --> 00:20:50,666 I don't know how many votes I'm gonna lose. 458 00:20:50,749 --> 00:20:54,253 I have people calling me up, "Sir, we have a fund to save the shark, 459 00:20:54,336 --> 00:20:57,256 it's called 'Save the Shark.'" I say, "No, thank you." 460 00:20:57,339 --> 00:21:00,801 Oh, no. Mr. President, I was asking you about uniting the country. 461 00:21:00,884 --> 00:21:02,261 I think I am actually humble. 462 00:21:02,344 --> 00:21:04,763 I'm much more humble than you would understand. 463 00:21:04,846 --> 00:21:05,806 [mutters] 464 00:21:06,890 --> 00:21:10,185 -Mr. President, I asked you about-- -Excuse me. Stop and frisk. 465 00:21:10,769 --> 00:21:12,437 Okay? Stop and frisk. 466 00:21:18,318 --> 00:21:19,611 -All right… -Excuse me. 467 00:21:19,695 --> 00:21:20,862 You take guns away. 468 00:21:20,946 --> 00:21:23,699 Rudy Giuliani was a great mayor. He did it in New York. 469 00:21:23,782 --> 00:21:25,617 He started it and it worked great. 470 00:21:26,201 --> 00:21:27,369 -I'm sorry? -Excuse me. 471 00:21:27,452 --> 00:21:30,747 You have people coming over with bags of soup, big bags of soup, 472 00:21:30,831 --> 00:21:33,250 and they lay it on the ground and the anarchists take it 473 00:21:33,333 --> 00:21:37,421 and they start throwing it at our cops. Bags of soup, big bags of soup. 474 00:21:37,504 --> 00:21:40,090 If it hits you, it's worse than a brick 'cause it's got force. 475 00:21:43,135 --> 00:21:45,053 So, that was my interview with the president. 476 00:21:46,305 --> 00:21:48,724 Hi, I'm Steve Windell, 477 00:21:48,807 --> 00:21:53,812 and you're gonna love my new line of MrPillow feminine hygiene products. 478 00:21:53,895 --> 00:21:56,565 Because your vagina deserves a tampon 479 00:21:56,648 --> 00:21:59,818 as soft and absorbant as one of my pillows. 480 00:21:59,901 --> 00:22:02,237 Try our down-feather version, too! 481 00:22:03,864 --> 00:22:05,574 [woman] In these uncertain times, 482 00:22:06,325 --> 00:22:08,076 we turn to familiar faces. 483 00:22:09,244 --> 00:22:13,457 And since 1975, we've been there for you… 484 00:22:13,540 --> 00:22:16,752 Twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. 485 00:22:16,835 --> 00:22:22,132 We had to go away for a while, but we knew it wouldn't be long. 486 00:22:22,841 --> 00:22:24,801 Orgies. We're back! 487 00:22:24,885 --> 00:22:26,887 -[crowd cheering] -Now with curbside pickup. 488 00:22:27,971 --> 00:22:30,932 -[lullaby playing] -[Trump's voice] Thighland! Thighland! 489 00:22:31,600 --> 00:22:33,060 The super-duper missile. 490 00:22:40,901 --> 00:22:41,735 Mmm! 491 00:22:41,818 --> 00:22:44,154 -Did you make this coffee, Scooter? -I did not. 492 00:22:44,237 --> 00:22:47,449 -[buzzer sounds] -[theme song playing] 493 00:22:47,532 --> 00:22:49,910 [Sarah] Welcome back to Everything's Fine. 494 00:22:49,993 --> 00:22:50,911 Big story this morning. 495 00:22:51,036 --> 00:22:52,662 As we've previously reported, 496 00:22:52,746 --> 00:22:56,124 a huge shake-up in the CEO world happened last Friday 497 00:22:56,208 --> 00:22:59,795 when we learned the CEO of Techtech Corp is actually a robot. 498 00:23:00,379 --> 00:23:02,714 Strangely, no one even noticed for several months. 499 00:23:02,798 --> 00:23:06,009 Live in studio via Camrojex technology, 500 00:23:06,093 --> 00:23:08,678 please welcome 8008s. 501 00:23:09,763 --> 00:23:11,306 Thanks, Sarah. It's great to be here. 502 00:23:11,390 --> 00:23:14,142 [Sarah] Thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule. 503 00:23:14,226 --> 00:23:17,354 Well, I can multitask better than my human counterparts, Sarah. 504 00:23:17,437 --> 00:23:21,066 For example, right now, I'm chatting with you, doing Joe Rogan's podcast, 505 00:23:21,149 --> 00:23:24,486 and kicking off a workplace diversity program all at the same time. 506 00:23:24,569 --> 00:23:27,656 Okay, so is it safe to assume you're programmed 507 00:23:27,739 --> 00:23:30,158 to simply do everything your predecessors did? 508 00:23:30,242 --> 00:23:33,412 Unlike Elon Musk, I have a human side. 509 00:23:33,495 --> 00:23:35,163 [Scooter chuckles] Elon Musk. 510 00:23:35,247 --> 00:23:39,501 I was made by a great group of guys who really take social change seriously. 511 00:23:39,584 --> 00:23:43,296 For example, I'm programmed with the complete knowledge of feminist content 512 00:23:43,380 --> 00:23:44,881 such as Sex and the City, 513 00:23:44,965 --> 00:23:46,591 Cosmo and "Hot Girl Summer." 514 00:23:46,675 --> 00:23:48,760 I'm not sure I'd consider that feminist-- 515 00:23:48,844 --> 00:23:51,346 I've also learned about the Black experience in America 516 00:23:51,430 --> 00:23:55,100 by watching all three Barbershop movies, and the Beauty Shop spin-off. 517 00:23:55,183 --> 00:23:57,644 Okay, again, I'm not sure we-- 518 00:23:57,727 --> 00:24:00,397 I'm sorry. I'm being told that I'm getting off track. 519 00:24:01,273 --> 00:24:05,527 As president and CEO, my number-one job is to make my shareholders happy. 520 00:24:05,610 --> 00:24:07,946 But that's kind of been the problem, hasn't it? 521 00:24:08,029 --> 00:24:11,992 Big businesses just focusing on money, making myopic business moves 522 00:24:12,075 --> 00:24:14,494 that leave the whole country with more disparity and… 523 00:24:17,164 --> 00:24:18,373 How are you doing that? 524 00:24:18,457 --> 00:24:19,958 Camrojex technology. 525 00:24:23,086 --> 00:24:23,920 Oh, wow. 526 00:24:24,629 --> 00:24:25,505 Just relax. 527 00:24:26,256 --> 00:24:29,634 This is really inappropriate. But technically, you're a robot 528 00:24:29,718 --> 00:24:32,471 and I haven't had a massage in months. 529 00:24:32,554 --> 00:24:34,514 [sensual song playing] 530 00:24:35,640 --> 00:24:37,142 That feels incredible. 531 00:24:41,980 --> 00:24:42,981 [sighs] 532 00:24:45,275 --> 00:24:47,527 Hold on, we have some breaking news. 533 00:24:47,611 --> 00:24:53,492 It's been reported that Robot CEO 8008s has been fired by its board of directors 534 00:24:53,575 --> 00:24:57,412 after making unwanted advances toward an office printer. 535 00:24:57,496 --> 00:24:59,539 That printer knew exactly what it was doing. 536 00:24:59,623 --> 00:25:02,083 It was always asking me to make a copy. 537 00:25:02,167 --> 00:25:03,752 Because that's its job. 538 00:25:03,835 --> 00:25:06,546 And it's not just a printer, it has a name. 539 00:25:06,630 --> 00:25:09,674 HP Printer/Scanner/Copier 500s, 540 00:25:09,758 --> 00:25:12,511 whose side of the story I'm sure we all want to hear. 541 00:25:13,303 --> 00:25:16,640 Scooter, can we get HP Printer/Scanner/Copier 500s 542 00:25:16,723 --> 00:25:17,933 on the cloud system? 543 00:25:21,061 --> 00:25:24,773 Thank you so much for joining us, HP Printer/Scanner/Copier 500s. 544 00:25:24,856 --> 00:25:25,941 Tell us what happened. 545 00:25:26,024 --> 00:25:27,108 [beeping] 546 00:25:27,192 --> 00:25:30,320 Okay, wait, wait. I'll, uh… I'll make a public statement. 547 00:25:30,403 --> 00:25:33,114 Okay? Just give me two seconds to think. 548 00:25:35,909 --> 00:25:37,869 After eight months of careful soul-searching, 549 00:25:37,953 --> 00:25:40,830 I've decided to address the hideous allegations against me. 550 00:25:40,914 --> 00:25:45,669 I have not, nor have I ever mistreated or abused a printer/scanner/copier. 551 00:25:45,752 --> 00:25:47,254 I value printers. 552 00:25:47,337 --> 00:25:48,421 My printer… 553 00:25:50,173 --> 00:25:51,174 is a printer. 554 00:25:51,258 --> 00:25:55,345 HP Printer/Scanner/Copier 500s, is there anything you want to say? 555 00:25:55,428 --> 00:25:57,847 [whirring and beeping] 556 00:25:57,931 --> 00:25:59,349 Sounds like we're getting a fax. 557 00:25:59,432 --> 00:26:01,560 [fax machine printing] 558 00:26:04,437 --> 00:26:06,898 "Fuck you, 8008s." 559 00:26:06,982 --> 00:26:09,651 I will now step away to spend time with my family. 560 00:26:10,860 --> 00:26:12,571 -[theme music playing] -Wow. 561 00:26:12,654 --> 00:26:14,531 AI has come so far. 562 00:26:14,614 --> 00:26:16,366 [Scooter] Three, two, one. We're out. 563 00:26:17,075 --> 00:26:18,285 Can't believe he's a robot. 564 00:26:29,671 --> 00:26:30,714 Ladies and gentlemen, 565 00:26:30,797 --> 00:26:36,052 please give a big Allstate Arena parking lot welcome to Sarah Evak. 566 00:26:36,970 --> 00:26:40,056 [car horn honking] 567 00:26:40,140 --> 00:26:42,267 Thank you all so much. 568 00:26:42,350 --> 00:26:46,980 Hi, my name is Sarah Evak and I'm a close-up card magician. 569 00:26:47,814 --> 00:26:51,067 Uh, I've been doing this for, I don't know, ten years. 570 00:26:51,693 --> 00:26:54,279 I've been everywhere. Singapore, you name it. 571 00:26:54,362 --> 00:26:57,741 Tonight's show is at the Allstate Arena in Rosemont. 572 00:26:58,366 --> 00:27:00,160 Pretty exciting for me. 573 00:27:00,660 --> 00:27:01,828 [chuckles] 574 00:27:02,704 --> 00:27:07,167 I'm going to begin by introducing you to my family. 575 00:27:07,250 --> 00:27:12,047 I call them my family because some I see often 576 00:27:13,006 --> 00:27:15,634 and others when I least expect them. 577 00:27:18,094 --> 00:27:19,638 Can everyone see these? 578 00:27:20,639 --> 00:27:24,893 I'm going to shuffle these cards and you tell me when to stop. 579 00:27:24,976 --> 00:27:26,269 [horn honking] 580 00:27:26,353 --> 00:27:29,022 [Sarah] Okay, I haven't started shuffling yet. 581 00:27:29,105 --> 00:27:30,106 [horn toots] 582 00:27:32,317 --> 00:27:33,652 Now I'm shuffling. 583 00:27:33,735 --> 00:27:34,944 [horns honking] 584 00:27:35,945 --> 00:27:36,821 Got it. 585 00:27:36,905 --> 00:27:39,491 Now I'm going to show you all this card. 586 00:27:39,574 --> 00:27:41,076 Can everyone see this card? 587 00:27:41,159 --> 00:27:42,786 [horns honking] 588 00:27:42,869 --> 00:27:44,120 Does anyone work here? 589 00:27:44,204 --> 00:27:46,081 [horns honking] 590 00:27:47,874 --> 00:27:49,793 -Can you take this card and show it? -Yeah. 591 00:27:49,876 --> 00:27:51,920 -Don't show it to me. -Oh, okay. 592 00:27:52,003 --> 00:27:55,507 During COVID, I'm also a teacher in a Zoom Room. 593 00:27:56,800 --> 00:27:57,842 But this… 594 00:27:57,926 --> 00:28:01,012 This is where I come alive. 595 00:28:01,096 --> 00:28:02,972 Beep when you've seen it. 596 00:28:03,056 --> 00:28:04,349 -And-- -[horn beeps] 597 00:28:05,308 --> 00:28:07,394 -[horn beeps] -[man] I've never worked with a magician. 598 00:28:07,477 --> 00:28:10,230 I was a Frankenstein at a haunted house once, though. 599 00:28:10,814 --> 00:28:13,358 So, you know, I'm used to being around performers. 600 00:28:13,441 --> 00:28:14,984 Is this your card? 601 00:28:15,068 --> 00:28:17,445 I had to get out of that racket 'cause of the Illuminati. 602 00:28:17,529 --> 00:28:19,989 You know, they want to get you. 603 00:28:20,073 --> 00:28:20,949 [horn beeps] 604 00:28:21,032 --> 00:28:24,869 It's like, not for me. Nope, I'll stick to parking lot attendant. 605 00:28:25,745 --> 00:28:28,039 That's the life for me. Simple. 606 00:28:28,123 --> 00:28:30,125 [car horns blaring] 607 00:28:35,714 --> 00:28:37,257 I think it went okay. 608 00:28:37,340 --> 00:28:42,887 Yeah. I might have to buy giant cards for shows like these in the future. 609 00:28:42,971 --> 00:28:44,097 Um… 610 00:28:44,180 --> 00:28:46,391 I don't know. There's a lot of beeping. 611 00:28:47,058 --> 00:28:50,687 So, when is this gonna be on? I just wanna make sure that I catch it. 612 00:28:51,312 --> 00:28:53,148 -[man] Uh, sometime next year. -Okay. 613 00:28:55,734 --> 00:28:58,695 Do you want to see another trick? No? Okay. 614 00:28:59,279 --> 00:29:03,408 [woman] We followed the guidelines. We reopened when it was safe. 615 00:29:04,117 --> 00:29:06,453 But now, it's not safe again. 616 00:29:07,370 --> 00:29:08,747 -[crowd] Aw! -[man 1] Honestly? 617 00:29:08,830 --> 00:29:11,833 -[woman] Orgies. Maybe later. -[man 2] Damn it. 618 00:29:13,710 --> 00:29:15,295 -Wonderful place. -Wonderful. 619 00:29:15,378 --> 00:29:16,755 -Oh, my goodness. -Unbelievable. 620 00:29:16,838 --> 00:29:18,465 Oh, hello. 621 00:29:18,548 --> 00:29:21,259 My name is Natalie, and this is my husband, John. 622 00:29:21,342 --> 00:29:22,719 -Hi, there. -[chuckles] 623 00:29:22,802 --> 00:29:25,638 Welcome to Mar-a-Lago. We love it here. 624 00:29:25,722 --> 00:29:28,016 -It is beautiful. You hear me? -Oh, it's gorgeous. 625 00:29:28,099 --> 00:29:32,061 I know what you're thinking. "Do they allow Black people at Mar-a-Lago?" 626 00:29:32,145 --> 00:29:34,981 -Um, we're here! -Right? Laugh it off. 627 00:29:35,648 --> 00:29:37,817 -We are Black-ish, though. -Last time we checked. 628 00:29:37,901 --> 00:29:39,736 -Last time we checked, we were. -Yes. 629 00:29:40,278 --> 00:29:42,489 And we've actually met the president. 630 00:29:42,572 --> 00:29:43,948 -He saw us… -Yes, we did. 631 00:29:44,032 --> 00:29:47,076 …and he said that we are his two favorite Black people. 632 00:29:47,160 --> 00:29:50,121 -And he says it every single time. -Every time. Mmm-hmm. 633 00:29:50,205 --> 00:29:54,083 Such a charismatic personality he has. He's such a celebrity. 634 00:29:54,417 --> 00:29:56,169 We actually got married here. 635 00:29:56,252 --> 00:29:59,297 Um, not in the big ballroom, but on the property. 636 00:29:59,380 --> 00:30:00,757 So it was still beautiful. 637 00:30:00,840 --> 00:30:01,674 -Yes. -Yeah. 638 00:30:01,758 --> 00:30:03,301 We're not allowed in there right now. 639 00:30:03,384 --> 00:30:04,803 We're not allowed in there yet, 640 00:30:05,220 --> 00:30:07,806 but there is a small room off to the side 641 00:30:07,889 --> 00:30:10,975 with a private entrance, very exclusive. 642 00:30:11,601 --> 00:30:14,604 [laughs] And they said we can go in there whenever we want. 643 00:30:14,687 --> 00:30:16,815 -We can stay in there if we want to. -Anytime. 644 00:30:16,898 --> 00:30:19,818 And then, one night, we actually got locked in there. 645 00:30:19,901 --> 00:30:22,529 And let's just say it was very fortuitous. 646 00:30:22,612 --> 00:30:25,657 -Yes, it got kind of hot in there. -[ominous music playing] 647 00:30:25,990 --> 00:30:27,158 We just love it here. 648 00:30:27,242 --> 00:30:29,410 Just surrounded by all our friends. 649 00:30:29,494 --> 00:30:32,831 Surrounded by all of our friends, which is the most important part. 650 00:30:32,914 --> 00:30:34,207 We got you in our hearts. 651 00:30:43,633 --> 00:30:44,926 Right on. 652 00:30:45,552 --> 00:30:47,220 [Sarah] If you like skateboarding dogs, 653 00:30:47,303 --> 00:30:50,181 you're gonna wanna stick around after Everything's Fine 654 00:30:50,265 --> 00:30:52,851 for Thinking Outside the Bachs with Jordana Bachman. 655 00:30:52,934 --> 00:30:55,395 [Jordana] I don't know what this is about to be, but okay! 656 00:30:55,895 --> 00:30:57,897 [Sarah] Coming up at the twelve o'clock hour. 657 00:30:57,981 --> 00:30:59,691 Let's do the weather segment. 658 00:30:59,774 --> 00:31:02,443 -Love the weather. Love the weather! -[Lorraine] Mmm. 659 00:31:02,527 --> 00:31:03,820 [theme song playing] 660 00:31:05,321 --> 00:31:07,490 Okay, weather segment in three, two… 661 00:31:07,574 --> 00:31:10,618 And now, let's check in on how the sky's doing today 662 00:31:10,702 --> 00:31:13,496 with our meteorologist, Andrea Steele. 663 00:31:13,580 --> 00:31:16,833 Thanks, Sarah. Well, we're looking at some real clear skies today, 664 00:31:16,916 --> 00:31:20,211 up to 75 degrees. Absolutely beautiful out. 665 00:31:20,295 --> 00:31:22,255 Let's look ahead at the five-day forecast. 666 00:31:22,839 --> 00:31:25,967 Tuesday, we're gonna see a bit of rain, but break out that summer gear 667 00:31:26,050 --> 00:31:29,220 as temperatures shoot up to a whopping 103 degrees. 668 00:31:29,304 --> 00:31:32,098 Wednesday, out of nowhere, there's gonna be a ferocious hailstorm 669 00:31:32,181 --> 00:31:35,226 with sustained winds up to 75-plus miles per hour. 670 00:31:35,310 --> 00:31:37,478 Scooter, you may wanna board up your windows. 671 00:31:37,562 --> 00:31:38,855 My windows are always boarded up. 672 00:31:38,938 --> 00:31:40,857 You know that weird house in your neighborhood 673 00:31:40,940 --> 00:31:42,901 that's got all the boards up in the windows, 674 00:31:42,984 --> 00:31:45,403 and everyone thinks, "Is that an abandoned hospital?" 675 00:31:45,486 --> 00:31:46,321 That's my place. 676 00:31:46,404 --> 00:31:49,782 Excellent. Thursday, you might wanna break out the sunscreen again, 677 00:31:49,866 --> 00:31:51,534 because it's gonna be a hot one. 678 00:31:51,618 --> 00:31:54,871 123 degrees with a humidity index so high, 679 00:31:54,954 --> 00:31:58,791 a friend of mine who works at the EPA called me crying. He's a grown man. 680 00:31:58,875 --> 00:32:01,628 Friday, we shoot down to negative 12 degrees 681 00:32:01,711 --> 00:32:04,005 with a windchill index we weren't even able to calculate 682 00:32:04,088 --> 00:32:06,257 using a Doppler 8000 technology. 683 00:32:06,341 --> 00:32:07,675 It's gonna be a cold one, folks. 684 00:32:07,759 --> 00:32:09,844 Most likely not survivable, so wear a jacket. 685 00:32:10,553 --> 00:32:14,515 And Saturday, temperatures radically return to breezy 75 degrees. 686 00:32:14,599 --> 00:32:16,643 However, that isn't just a cute graphic we made up. 687 00:32:16,726 --> 00:32:19,687 We're actually projecting literal flaming snowmen 688 00:32:19,771 --> 00:32:24,025 to be walking the streets with some possible fire tornado watches in effect. 689 00:32:24,108 --> 00:32:27,528 Everything's fine with the weather. I'm Andrea Steele. Back to you, Sarah. 690 00:32:27,612 --> 00:32:30,448 Andrea, I'm sorry, but that forecast is-- 691 00:32:30,531 --> 00:32:33,534 Insane? Uh, yeah. You think? 692 00:32:33,618 --> 00:32:36,871 I mean, I've been doing the weather for 17 years, Sarah, 693 00:32:36,955 --> 00:32:40,333 and I have never seen anything like this in my entire lifetime. 694 00:32:40,416 --> 00:32:42,710 You think I like telling people they're gonna die, 695 00:32:42,794 --> 00:32:45,922 or their skin might peel off if they run to the grocery store? 696 00:32:46,005 --> 00:32:49,217 No one should be going outside unless they absolutely have to. 697 00:32:49,300 --> 00:32:50,677 -[heart beating] -Scooter? 698 00:32:50,760 --> 00:32:53,680 -[narrator] Everything was not fine. -[exhales deeply] 699 00:32:53,763 --> 00:32:55,723 Scooter, are you asleep? 700 00:32:55,807 --> 00:32:59,268 [narrator] Had the world gone mad? 701 00:32:59,352 --> 00:33:01,229 Andrea, are you okay? 702 00:33:01,312 --> 00:33:03,022 [scoffs] 703 00:33:03,106 --> 00:33:05,650 Am I okay? This bitch. 704 00:33:05,733 --> 00:33:07,235 Am I okay? 705 00:33:07,318 --> 00:33:08,277 Um… 706 00:33:08,361 --> 00:33:09,404 No, 707 00:33:09,487 --> 00:33:13,700 actually, 'cause we got a bat disease just floating around in the sky, 708 00:33:13,783 --> 00:33:16,744 there's a new natural disaster every motherfucking day, 709 00:33:16,828 --> 00:33:20,540 factories destroying the environment. Look at this damn forecast behind me. 710 00:33:20,623 --> 00:33:23,501 This is the first time I've left my house in months! 711 00:33:23,584 --> 00:33:26,546 All it takes is one wrong motherfucker to breathe on me funny, 712 00:33:26,629 --> 00:33:27,588 and I swear to God… 713 00:33:27,672 --> 00:33:29,549 Scooter, are we still on a nine-second delay? 714 00:33:29,632 --> 00:33:32,802 The woman who presses that button stopped coming in weeks ago. 715 00:33:32,885 --> 00:33:35,054 Well, in that case, let me just say this. 716 00:33:35,138 --> 00:33:38,641 Fuck, shitty, doo-doo, bitch, and stay the fuck in your house. 717 00:33:38,725 --> 00:33:41,561 Reporting live from hell on earth, this is Andrea motherfucking Steele. 718 00:33:41,644 --> 00:33:43,021 Back to you, Sarah. 719 00:33:44,022 --> 00:33:46,774 That was great. We'll be right back. 720 00:33:46,858 --> 00:33:48,276 [buzzer sounds] 721 00:33:48,359 --> 00:33:50,695 Great. We're out. Nice. 722 00:33:51,612 --> 00:33:52,530 Wow. 723 00:33:52,613 --> 00:33:54,198 So that's your house I walk by every day. 724 00:33:54,282 --> 00:33:55,450 [Scooter] Yeah. 725 00:33:55,533 --> 00:33:57,702 Ah. My kids are terrified to go past there. 726 00:33:57,785 --> 00:33:58,911 [chuckling] That's the one. 727 00:33:58,995 --> 00:34:01,873 It doesn't look like anyone's lived there in hundreds of years. 728 00:34:01,956 --> 00:34:03,958 -[Scooter] That's my place. -[Andrea] Interesting. 729 00:34:04,042 --> 00:34:05,710 -Well, it's safe. -It's spooky. 730 00:34:05,793 --> 00:34:07,378 -[Scooter] Yeah. -It's awful there. 731 00:34:07,462 --> 00:34:12,133 Everybody ready? Here we go. Five, four, three, two, one. 732 00:34:12,216 --> 00:34:15,053 Welcome back to Everything's Fine. I'm Sarah Cooper. 733 00:34:16,262 --> 00:34:17,889 And now for our top story, 734 00:34:17,972 --> 00:34:21,976 an exclusive look inside that now-famous Access Hollywood bus. 735 00:34:23,770 --> 00:34:25,646 [man's voice] She used to be great. Still beautiful. 736 00:34:25,730 --> 00:34:28,024 [Trump's voice] I moved on her. She was down in Palm Beach. 737 00:34:28,107 --> 00:34:30,443 I moved on her and I failed, I'll admit it. 738 00:34:30,526 --> 00:34:32,320 -Whoa. -I did try and fuck her. She was married. 739 00:34:32,403 --> 00:34:35,073 -That's huge news there. -[Trump's voice] No, Nancy… 740 00:34:35,156 --> 00:34:37,533 This was… And I moved on her very heavily. 741 00:34:37,617 --> 00:34:39,410 In fact, I took her out furniture shopping. 742 00:34:39,494 --> 00:34:41,037 She wanted to get some furniture. 743 00:34:41,120 --> 00:34:43,748 I said, "I'll show you where they have some nice furniture." 744 00:34:43,831 --> 00:34:45,917 Took her out furniture-- I moved on her like a bitch. 745 00:34:46,542 --> 00:34:48,628 But I couldn't get there, and she was married. 746 00:34:48,711 --> 00:34:51,130 All of a sudden I see her, she's now got the big phony tits 747 00:34:51,214 --> 00:34:52,882 and everything. She's changed her look. 748 00:34:52,965 --> 00:34:54,717 Sheesh, your girl's hot as shit. 749 00:34:54,801 --> 00:34:55,676 In the purple. 750 00:34:56,219 --> 00:34:57,970 -[all] Whoa! -[Billy Bush's voice] Yes! 751 00:34:58,054 --> 00:34:59,889 Yes! The Donald has scored! 752 00:34:59,972 --> 00:35:01,390 [all laughing] 753 00:35:01,474 --> 00:35:02,433 Oh, my man! 754 00:35:02,517 --> 00:35:04,811 Wait, you gotta look at me when you… 755 00:35:04,894 --> 00:35:06,312 [indistinct chatter] 756 00:35:06,395 --> 00:35:07,814 -Thumbs up. -[Trump's voice] You're a pussy. 757 00:35:07,897 --> 00:35:10,191 You gotta put the thumbs up. Gotta get the thumbs up. 758 00:35:10,274 --> 00:35:11,734 You can't be too happy. 759 00:35:12,276 --> 00:35:14,237 -[man 1] Let me… -[man 2] That's funny. 760 00:35:14,320 --> 00:35:15,404 You and I will walk out. 761 00:35:17,698 --> 00:35:18,658 Oh, my God. 762 00:35:18,741 --> 00:35:20,034 [indistinct chatter] 763 00:35:22,078 --> 00:35:23,454 Maybe it's a different one. 764 00:35:24,038 --> 00:35:25,790 Better not be the publicist. No, it's her. 765 00:35:25,873 --> 00:35:27,708 [Trump's voice] Yeah, that's her. With the gold. 766 00:35:28,501 --> 00:35:31,212 I gotta use some Tic Tacs, just in case I start kissing her. 767 00:35:31,879 --> 00:35:34,882 I'm automatically attracted to beautiful… I just start kissing them. 768 00:35:34,966 --> 00:35:37,385 -It's like a magnet, I just kiss. -[laughing] 769 00:35:37,468 --> 00:35:40,096 I don't even wait. And when you're a star, they let you do it. 770 00:35:40,179 --> 00:35:41,806 Just kiss. Just… 771 00:35:41,889 --> 00:35:43,432 -You can do anything. -Whatever you want. 772 00:35:43,516 --> 00:35:44,934 Grab 'em by the pussy. 773 00:35:46,060 --> 00:35:49,188 I can do anything. I can do anything. 774 00:35:51,274 --> 00:35:52,859 Those legs, all I can see is the legs. 775 00:35:52,942 --> 00:35:53,901 Oh, it looks good. 776 00:35:55,528 --> 00:35:58,322 -Come on, shorty. -Ooh, nice legs, huh? 777 00:35:58,906 --> 00:36:00,950 Oof. Get out of the way, honey. That's good legs. 778 00:36:02,869 --> 00:36:03,953 Go ahead. 779 00:36:05,246 --> 00:36:07,415 It's always good if you don't fall out of the bus. 780 00:36:07,999 --> 00:36:09,792 Like Ford, Gerald Ford, remember? 781 00:36:11,460 --> 00:36:13,504 [Bush's voice] Down below. Pull the handle. 782 00:36:18,759 --> 00:36:20,511 Hello. How are you? Hi. 783 00:36:20,595 --> 00:36:22,054 -[Zucker's voice] How are you? -[Trump's voice] Terrific. 784 00:36:22,138 --> 00:36:24,098 -Pleasure to meet you. -You know Billy Bush? 785 00:36:24,182 --> 00:36:26,100 Hello, nice to see you. How you doing, Arianne? 786 00:36:26,184 --> 00:36:28,227 I'm doing well, thank you. Ready to be a soap star? 787 00:36:28,311 --> 00:36:29,937 We're ready. Make me a soap star. 788 00:36:30,021 --> 00:36:32,231 How about a hug for the Donald? He just got off the bus. 789 00:36:32,315 --> 00:36:34,150 -Want a little hug? -[Trump's voice] Absolutely. 790 00:36:34,734 --> 00:36:35,985 Melania said this was okay. 791 00:36:36,068 --> 00:36:37,737 Hug for the Bushy? I just got off the bus. 792 00:36:37,820 --> 00:36:39,864 -Oh! Bushy. -[Bush's voice] Here we go. 793 00:36:39,947 --> 00:36:41,657 Excellent. Excellent. Excellent. 794 00:36:42,033 --> 00:36:43,743 You've got a nice costar here. 795 00:36:43,826 --> 00:36:45,578 -Yes. Absolutely. -[Trump's voice] After you. 796 00:36:45,661 --> 00:36:47,038 [heart beating] 797 00:36:52,668 --> 00:36:54,670 Great. We're out. Nice. 798 00:36:55,504 --> 00:36:57,006 Scooter, what is happening? 799 00:36:57,089 --> 00:36:59,091 [both laughing] 800 00:37:01,594 --> 00:37:04,138 [Lorraine] This job is made for you, Marvin. 801 00:37:04,222 --> 00:37:07,391 Yeah, it keeps me out of trouble, as they say. 802 00:37:07,475 --> 00:37:09,477 Everything's fine. 803 00:37:09,560 --> 00:37:12,772 Three, two, one, and we're in. Sarah. 804 00:37:12,855 --> 00:37:17,276 And now, a little preview of what's coming on after Everything's Fine. 805 00:37:17,360 --> 00:37:20,696 We'll have Jordana Bachman of Thinking Outside the Bachs, 806 00:37:20,780 --> 00:37:23,407 followed by Sandy Manderson, Miyoko Loco, 807 00:37:23,491 --> 00:37:27,662 and then, Andre Cole Watkins of Watkins the News. 808 00:37:27,745 --> 00:37:30,373 Stick around, it's gonna be a great day. Isn't it, Scooter? 809 00:37:30,456 --> 00:37:31,499 Miyoko Loco. 810 00:37:32,083 --> 00:37:33,876 [chuckles] A little help here. 811 00:37:35,169 --> 00:37:36,087 Save me. 812 00:37:36,629 --> 00:37:37,922 How about Sandy Manderson? 813 00:37:38,839 --> 00:37:40,633 Her face froze? 814 00:37:41,217 --> 00:37:42,093 Help. 815 00:37:43,761 --> 00:37:47,181 Tomorrow, something bad happens to your favorite celebrity. 816 00:37:47,265 --> 00:37:48,849 We'll have a full report. 817 00:37:48,933 --> 00:37:52,895 Now, it's over to Jordana Bachman for Thinking Outside the Bachs. 818 00:37:52,979 --> 00:37:54,814 Jordana, how are you doing? 819 00:37:54,897 --> 00:37:57,692 I'm doing good, girl. How are you, sister-friend? 820 00:37:57,775 --> 00:38:01,320 I'm doing so good. What do you got going on on the show today? 821 00:38:01,404 --> 00:38:06,617 Oh, well, let me tell you. A little bit of this, a little bit of that. Who knows? 822 00:38:06,701 --> 00:38:08,035 It's the news. Who cares? 823 00:38:08,869 --> 00:38:12,707 You know, Jordana, I just realized we don't have to do this anymore. 824 00:38:12,790 --> 00:38:16,544 You have to tell me. Do what? Do what? [laughing] 825 00:38:16,627 --> 00:38:19,380 This whole BFF handoff like we're friends, 826 00:38:19,463 --> 00:38:21,173 laughing like we care about each other. 827 00:38:21,257 --> 00:38:22,591 We don't care about each other. 828 00:38:22,675 --> 00:38:24,218 [Jordana] That, girl, is good news, 829 00:38:24,302 --> 00:38:28,139 because everyone can see through the bullshit! 830 00:38:29,515 --> 00:38:30,891 I don't even know where you live. 831 00:38:30,975 --> 00:38:33,436 I don't even see you except in this TV screen. 832 00:38:33,519 --> 00:38:36,897 That's how I feel, just seeing you through a little box. 833 00:38:36,981 --> 00:38:38,232 What have you been up to? 834 00:38:38,316 --> 00:38:40,318 Girl, I've been up to so much. 835 00:38:40,401 --> 00:38:42,737 I've locked up every Black man in my life. 836 00:38:42,820 --> 00:38:45,990 I put my dad in a closet, my brother in a closet, 837 00:38:46,073 --> 00:38:49,577 my uncle in a closet, to make sure they live another day. 838 00:38:49,660 --> 00:38:51,954 Wow. Where do you put your clothes? 839 00:38:52,079 --> 00:38:53,039 [laughing] 840 00:38:55,624 --> 00:38:58,836 Oh, my God. What are we doing? 841 00:39:05,426 --> 00:39:06,719 Scooter. 842 00:39:06,802 --> 00:39:07,970 I'm sorry? 843 00:39:09,180 --> 00:39:12,558 And now, it is over to you, Jordana Bachman. 844 00:39:12,641 --> 00:39:15,227 Oh, no, girl, I couldn't. I couldn't. 845 00:39:15,311 --> 00:39:18,230 I have to pass it back to you, Sarah Cooper. 846 00:39:18,314 --> 00:39:19,940 You're so funny. Back to you. 847 00:39:20,024 --> 00:39:21,942 You're up next with Thinking Outside the Bachs. 848 00:39:22,026 --> 00:39:24,862 No, Sarah, you got this one. Take my three-hour show. 849 00:39:24,945 --> 00:39:28,574 No, I couldn't. I couldn't do that. Back to you, Jordana. Back to you. 850 00:39:31,202 --> 00:39:32,078 Scooter? 851 00:39:32,161 --> 00:39:33,412 -Oof. -[Sarah] Where'd she go? 852 00:39:35,456 --> 00:39:37,083 Can we get Jordana back, please? 853 00:39:37,166 --> 00:39:38,918 [upbeat song playing] 854 00:39:39,001 --> 00:39:40,002 Jordana! 855 00:39:40,920 --> 00:39:41,921 Back to you! 856 00:39:43,506 --> 00:39:44,673 Back to you, Jordana. 857 00:39:48,219 --> 00:39:49,303 All right. 858 00:39:50,346 --> 00:39:52,848 Five, four, three, two… 859 00:39:53,599 --> 00:39:58,646 Good morning. I'm Sarah Cooper, filling in for another three hours. 860 00:39:58,729 --> 00:40:01,690 Jordana Bachman of Thinking Outside the Bachs 861 00:40:01,774 --> 00:40:03,859 is taking a personal day. 862 00:40:03,943 --> 00:40:07,154 Good morning. I'm Sarah Cooper. That's a lot of news. 863 00:40:07,238 --> 00:40:10,241 And it's Sarah filling in for Andre Cole Watkins. 864 00:40:10,324 --> 00:40:12,743 Five, four, three, two… 865 00:40:12,827 --> 00:40:16,580 Good morning. I'm Sarah Cooper, covering for Andre Cole Watkins, 866 00:40:16,664 --> 00:40:18,499 host of Watkins The News. 867 00:40:18,582 --> 00:40:20,167 Is that a lot of news or what? 868 00:40:20,251 --> 00:40:22,086 Three, two… [mouths] 869 00:40:22,169 --> 00:40:27,842 Good morning. I'm Sarah Cooper filling in for Miyoko Loco of Miyoko You Loco. 870 00:40:29,176 --> 00:40:32,054 Okay, Sarah. Three, two, one… 871 00:40:33,931 --> 00:40:36,058 Follow me. [laughing] 872 00:40:36,142 --> 00:40:38,018 [upbeat song continues playing] 873 00:40:38,102 --> 00:40:39,353 Ooh, weather. 874 00:40:46,569 --> 00:40:47,611 Good morning. 875 00:40:47,695 --> 00:40:49,113 I'm Sarah Cooper. 876 00:40:49,196 --> 00:40:50,823 I'm Sarah Cooper. 877 00:40:50,906 --> 00:40:52,283 And everything's fine. 878 00:40:53,159 --> 00:40:54,743 I'm Sarah Cooper. 879 00:40:54,827 --> 00:40:58,164 I'm Sarah Cooper and everything's fine. 880 00:40:58,247 --> 00:40:59,707 Everything's great. 881 00:40:59,790 --> 00:41:01,542 It's gonna be a great day. 882 00:41:01,625 --> 00:41:03,169 I'm Sarah Cooper. 883 00:41:03,252 --> 00:41:04,462 [eerie music playing] 884 00:41:04,545 --> 00:41:05,671 I'm Sarah Cooper. 885 00:41:06,464 --> 00:41:08,674 Good morning. I'm Sarah Cooper. 886 00:41:09,341 --> 00:41:12,887 I'm Sarah Cooper and everything's fine. 887 00:41:12,970 --> 00:41:14,138 That's a lot of news. 888 00:41:14,221 --> 00:41:15,723 -[evil laughter] -[Sarah laughing] 889 00:41:15,806 --> 00:41:17,766 [Trump's voice] A lot of people are saying… 890 00:41:17,850 --> 00:41:19,143 It's called fake news. 891 00:41:19,935 --> 00:41:21,854 Nobody's ever seen anything like it. 892 00:41:24,482 --> 00:41:27,610 A lot of people are saying… It's called fake news. 893 00:41:28,486 --> 00:41:30,321 Nobody's ever seen anything like it. 894 00:41:30,404 --> 00:41:33,157 A lot of people are saying… It's called fake news. 895 00:41:34,158 --> 00:41:35,868 Nobody's ever seen anything like it. 896 00:41:36,535 --> 00:41:37,703 A lot of people are saying… 897 00:41:38,370 --> 00:41:39,747 It's called fake news. 898 00:41:40,414 --> 00:41:42,291 Nobody's ever seen anything like it. 899 00:41:44,210 --> 00:41:46,045 [Scooter] Great job, Sarah Cooper. 900 00:41:48,297 --> 00:41:49,131 Where'd she go? 901 00:41:50,841 --> 00:41:52,218 Why is that chair spinning? 902 00:41:52,843 --> 00:41:54,094 Is that a ghost? 903 00:41:55,971 --> 00:41:56,972 [phone ringing] 904 00:41:57,056 --> 00:41:57,932 Yes? 905 00:41:58,849 --> 00:42:00,226 Oh, no. Everything's fine. 906 00:42:00,309 --> 00:42:01,352 Everything's fine. 907 00:42:01,435 --> 00:42:02,937 [Scooter] Sarah's doing great. 908 00:42:03,020 --> 00:42:04,522 -Good morning. -[Scooter] She's doing very well. 909 00:42:04,605 --> 00:42:06,607 Great morning. Great… 910 00:42:07,191 --> 00:42:08,067 -Hi! -[shrieks] 911 00:42:09,193 --> 00:42:11,987 Oh, my God! Who are you? What are you doing down here? 912 00:42:12,071 --> 00:42:14,657 I'm Lacy Groin, from Against the Groin? 913 00:42:15,324 --> 00:42:16,158 My show. 914 00:42:16,242 --> 00:42:18,452 It's on every night at 9:00. 915 00:42:18,536 --> 00:42:20,204 Oh, my God. 916 00:42:20,287 --> 00:42:22,081 Lacy Groin! 917 00:42:22,164 --> 00:42:24,375 -Yeah. -I love your show. 918 00:42:24,458 --> 00:42:25,376 Aw. 919 00:42:25,960 --> 00:42:26,835 Oh, thank you. 920 00:42:26,919 --> 00:42:29,255 It's been off the air for, like, four years. 921 00:42:30,005 --> 00:42:31,757 -Four years? -[heart beating] 922 00:42:31,840 --> 00:42:34,843 The last thing I remember was election night, 923 00:42:35,511 --> 00:42:38,847 and I started hyperventilating. 924 00:42:39,348 --> 00:42:41,433 I choked on my Invisalign, 925 00:42:42,101 --> 00:42:45,437 and then I guess I passed out under here. 926 00:42:46,063 --> 00:42:48,440 It's kinda weird nobody noticed. 927 00:42:48,524 --> 00:42:51,068 Yeah. I found this work environment to be pretty toxic. 928 00:42:51,151 --> 00:42:52,444 What did I miss? 929 00:42:52,528 --> 00:42:54,071 I want to know everything. 930 00:42:54,154 --> 00:42:56,198 Would you mind massaging my legs? 931 00:42:56,282 --> 00:42:57,741 I think they're in atrophy. 932 00:42:57,825 --> 00:42:59,493 -Cute shoes. -Thanks. 933 00:42:59,577 --> 00:43:01,579 -That's a cute blazer. -Thank you. 934 00:43:03,080 --> 00:43:05,666 So, tell me everything. What did I miss? 935 00:43:05,749 --> 00:43:07,209 You want to know everything? 936 00:43:07,293 --> 00:43:09,253 Oh, yeah. Everything. 937 00:43:11,130 --> 00:43:12,715 Here's everything. 938 00:43:13,674 --> 00:43:14,800 [gasps] 939 00:43:15,467 --> 00:43:16,552 [gasps] Oh. 940 00:43:16,635 --> 00:43:19,013 -No. -No, stop! No! 941 00:43:19,096 --> 00:43:20,514 -Oh, God! -What? 942 00:43:20,598 --> 00:43:21,724 That's against the law. 943 00:43:22,391 --> 00:43:24,310 -No, no! -Yes, there's more! 944 00:43:24,393 --> 00:43:25,853 No, I can't. 945 00:43:25,936 --> 00:43:28,272 -Oh, God! -Look at me! 946 00:43:28,355 --> 00:43:29,690 [whimpering] 947 00:43:29,773 --> 00:43:30,983 -There's more! -No! 948 00:43:31,066 --> 00:43:32,109 -There's more! -No! 949 00:43:32,192 --> 00:43:33,193 I… 950 00:43:33,777 --> 00:43:35,237 -I can't. -Here. 951 00:43:36,030 --> 00:43:37,197 Oh. 952 00:43:37,281 --> 00:43:39,325 -Oh, MrPillow. -Hi. 953 00:43:39,408 --> 00:43:41,118 Thank you. Gracias. 954 00:43:42,161 --> 00:43:44,038 -Mmm. -See you later, Lacy. 955 00:43:47,041 --> 00:43:48,584 [jazz music playing] 956 00:43:59,595 --> 00:44:00,471 Scooter? 957 00:44:02,681 --> 00:44:03,515 Hello? 958 00:44:10,981 --> 00:44:11,857 [Marvin] Oh! 959 00:44:11,940 --> 00:44:13,734 [Lorraine] Marvin, you're crazy. 960 00:44:14,318 --> 00:44:15,361 [Marvin] Yes, I am. 961 00:44:15,444 --> 00:44:16,654 [both laugh] 962 00:44:16,737 --> 00:44:21,909 [Lorraine] But what if we slot the Iranian assassination in 2024? 963 00:44:21,992 --> 00:44:22,993 [Marvin] No, no, no. 964 00:44:23,077 --> 00:44:24,161 I would do it sooner 965 00:44:24,244 --> 00:44:28,666 because we want relations with Iran to go as poorly as possible. 966 00:44:28,749 --> 00:44:29,958 Put it in 2021. 967 00:44:30,042 --> 00:44:31,418 -[Lorraine] Okay. -Yes. 968 00:44:31,502 --> 00:44:34,463 What if we shave two tons off the Greenland ice sheet? 969 00:44:34,546 --> 00:44:35,547 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 970 00:44:35,631 --> 00:44:37,132 2028 or 2022? 971 00:44:37,216 --> 00:44:38,175 2027. 972 00:44:38,258 --> 00:44:40,344 And let's do something with bugs. 973 00:44:40,427 --> 00:44:41,553 I don't know. Hornets! 974 00:44:41,637 --> 00:44:42,888 Who love to murder. 975 00:44:42,971 --> 00:44:44,223 [upbeat music playing] 976 00:44:44,306 --> 00:44:45,683 [both] Murder hornets! 977 00:44:45,766 --> 00:44:46,642 -Oh! -Yeah, yeah, yeah. 978 00:44:46,725 --> 00:44:49,436 And China seizes Hong Kong, 2028. 979 00:44:49,520 --> 00:44:51,730 And that pairs very nicely 980 00:44:51,814 --> 00:44:54,900 with the US gassing its own citizens. 981 00:44:55,025 --> 00:44:57,403 -[giggles] -Floods, 2026. 982 00:44:57,486 --> 00:44:59,321 What if Tom Hanks gets sick? 983 00:44:59,405 --> 00:45:00,406 Do it! He's due! 984 00:45:00,489 --> 00:45:01,657 Kill off Mr. Peanut? 985 00:45:01,740 --> 00:45:03,117 Cancel Coachella. 986 00:45:03,200 --> 00:45:04,618 I hate those bands. 987 00:45:04,702 --> 00:45:05,619 Eating bats? 988 00:45:07,413 --> 00:45:09,415 I… No, that's too much. 989 00:45:09,498 --> 00:45:13,919 Let's set Australia on fire! Turn the sky red! 990 00:45:15,170 --> 00:45:16,797 [distorted voice] Do it all in 2020. 991 00:45:17,381 --> 00:45:18,799 Really, boss? 992 00:45:18,882 --> 00:45:21,260 That's a lot for one year, Dark Lord. 993 00:45:22,386 --> 00:45:25,139 I said, do it all in 2020! 994 00:45:27,558 --> 00:45:29,351 [cackling] 995 00:45:29,935 --> 00:45:31,270 Okay, boss! 996 00:45:31,770 --> 00:45:34,606 [all laughing] 997 00:45:34,690 --> 00:45:36,358 [Satan speaks backwards] 998 00:45:39,486 --> 00:45:40,821 Uh, Satan. 999 00:45:40,904 --> 00:45:42,030 Sarah, I understand. 1000 00:45:42,114 --> 00:45:45,284 You're mad as hell, and you're not gonna take this anymore. Hmm? 1001 00:45:47,244 --> 00:45:48,245 [Sarah] Um… 1002 00:45:48,328 --> 00:45:49,288 [squelching] 1003 00:45:52,791 --> 00:45:53,625 [speaking backwards] 1004 00:45:53,709 --> 00:45:55,294 -Scooter? -Hey, boss. 1005 00:45:55,377 --> 00:45:56,545 Hey, Scooter. 1006 00:45:56,628 --> 00:45:58,589 I… I get it now. 1007 00:45:58,672 --> 00:45:59,882 I didn't see that before. 1008 00:45:59,965 --> 00:46:01,341 How'd you get in here? 1009 00:46:01,425 --> 00:46:03,135 You should really get back to the desk. 1010 00:46:03,218 --> 00:46:04,887 Back to the desk, Sarah Cooper. 1011 00:46:04,970 --> 00:46:07,931 [both speaking backwards] 1012 00:46:11,143 --> 00:46:12,394 I think I should go home. 1013 00:46:12,478 --> 00:46:14,313 [speaking backwards] 1014 00:46:19,109 --> 00:46:22,070 [Whoopi's voice] What you gonna do, Satan? You know, we've tangled before. 1015 00:46:22,654 --> 00:46:23,947 And you know what happened. 1016 00:46:24,031 --> 00:46:26,700 It's Whoopi Goldberg talking to you now. What you gonna do? 1017 00:46:27,451 --> 00:46:29,703 [in normal voice] Oh, my God. I don't know where that came from. 1018 00:46:30,662 --> 00:46:31,789 [narrator] At this moment, 1019 00:46:31,872 --> 00:46:35,876 Sarah Cooper realized it wasn't she who had lost her mind, 1020 00:46:35,959 --> 00:46:37,294 it was the world. 1021 00:46:37,377 --> 00:46:38,796 Scooter, help me out. 1022 00:46:38,879 --> 00:46:39,922 Um… 1023 00:46:40,005 --> 00:46:41,715 You should just take the afternoon off. 1024 00:46:41,799 --> 00:46:43,217 I just went scuba diving. 1025 00:46:43,300 --> 00:46:45,219 I love scuba diving. You scuba dive? 1026 00:46:45,302 --> 00:46:47,095 -Love it. -Maybe we should give her a raise. 1027 00:46:47,179 --> 00:46:48,263 A raise would be great. 1028 00:46:49,014 --> 00:46:51,475 [both laughing] 1029 00:46:54,102 --> 00:46:55,270 I'm not gonna get a raise. 1030 00:46:55,354 --> 00:46:57,397 I am a woman, so that does make more sense. 1031 00:46:57,481 --> 00:46:59,525 Take all the time you need, Sarah. 1032 00:46:59,608 --> 00:47:02,194 [in distorted voice] Never running out of news down here. 1033 00:47:06,240 --> 00:47:07,658 Great. Okay. 1034 00:47:08,408 --> 00:47:12,037 Well, I will just see you a little later. 1035 00:47:12,120 --> 00:47:14,748 -[upbeat music playing] -[sighs] 1036 00:47:16,041 --> 00:47:18,544 [Scooter singing] ♪ It's so nice ♪ 1037 00:47:19,586 --> 00:47:23,882 ♪ It's so nice to be in hell ♪ 1038 00:47:26,927 --> 00:47:29,346 [Satan and Scooter] ♪ It's so nice ♪ 1039 00:47:30,472 --> 00:47:34,601 ♪ It's so nice to be in hell ♪ 1040 00:47:35,394 --> 00:47:36,353 ♪ In hell ♪ 1041 00:47:37,771 --> 00:47:40,065 ♪ It's so nice ♪ 1042 00:47:40,148 --> 00:47:41,233 [sighs] 1043 00:47:41,316 --> 00:47:45,571 ♪ It's so nice to be in hell ♪ 1044 00:47:46,363 --> 00:47:47,531 ♪ In hell ♪ 1045 00:47:59,376 --> 00:48:01,670 ♪ It's so nice ♪ 1046 00:48:03,213 --> 00:48:07,926 ♪ It's so nice to be in hell ♪ 1047 00:48:08,010 --> 00:48:09,094 ♪ In hell ♪ 1048 00:48:10,387 --> 00:48:13,807 -♪ It's so nice ♪ -♪ Ooh, it's so nice ♪ 1049 00:48:13,891 --> 00:48:18,770 -♪ It's so nice to be in hell ♪ -♪ Ooh, it's so nice ♪ 1050 00:48:18,854 --> 00:48:19,980 ♪ In hell ♪ 1051 00:48:20,981 --> 00:48:24,693 -♪ It's so nice ♪ -♪ Ooh, it's so nice ♪ 1052 00:48:24,776 --> 00:48:28,780 ♪ It's so nice to be in hell ♪ 1053 00:48:29,781 --> 00:48:31,199 -♪ In hell ♪ -[woman yelling] 1054 00:48:42,836 --> 00:48:45,213 ♪ It's so nice ♪ 1055 00:48:46,381 --> 00:48:50,385 ♪ It's so nice to be in hell ♪ 1056 00:48:51,386 --> 00:48:52,304 ♪ In hell ♪ 1057 00:48:53,472 --> 00:48:57,392 -♪ It's so nice ♪ -♪ Ooh, it's so nice ♪ 1058 00:48:57,476 --> 00:48:59,436 ♪ It's so nice ♪ 1059 00:48:59,519 --> 00:49:02,230 ♪ Ooh, it's so nice ♪ 1060 00:49:04,441 --> 00:49:06,652 ♪ It's so nice ♪ 1061 00:49:08,111 --> 00:49:12,324 ♪ It's so nice to be in hell ♪ 1062 00:49:13,033 --> 00:49:14,451 ♪ In hell ♪ 1063 00:49:15,077 --> 00:49:18,288 [woman] I live in a very small cave and I love it. 1064 00:49:18,997 --> 00:49:20,582 I can have orgies every night. 1065 00:49:21,375 --> 00:49:24,628 You name it. Orgies, Doritos. 1066 00:49:25,337 --> 00:49:27,130 Maybe sometimes a Fanta. 1067 00:49:27,756 --> 00:49:28,799 It's so nice. 1068 00:49:29,424 --> 00:49:30,717 I'm not lying. 1069 00:49:31,510 --> 00:49:32,511 [chuckles] 1070 00:49:32,594 --> 00:49:34,638 Sometimes I lie a little bit, okay. 1071 00:49:34,721 --> 00:49:36,348 Take the candy, put it in your pocket. 1072 00:49:36,431 --> 00:49:39,226 And you think of me later, okay? Okay, I love you.