[Harriet] With Ole Golly gone, I thought I'd be a basket case.
But weirdly, I was feeling great.
You know when you first get into a new car,
- and you smell that new car smell? - [inhales deeply]
It kinda felt like my whole life had that smell.
To give myself a final test,
I decided to open the door to Ole Golly's old bedroom.
If I didn't start weeping and pulling my hair out,
that would mean I was ready to begin the age of Harriet.
Thank you very much.
[chomps] Mmm.
Good morning, Harriet.
[slurps] Top of the morning to ya, Harriet.
How's my favorite daughter this fine morning?
[Harriet] You can always tell how worried your parents are about you...
[chuckles] Don't worry about your famous tomato sandwich.
[Harriet] ...by how weirdly chipper they are.
Super Mom is on the case.
Actually, Super Mom, I like it on the diagonal.
[stammers] Of course. Of course. [chuckles]
How could I forget? [chuckles] Just-- Mmm.
Practice makes perfect. [laughs, sighs]
Mom, it was a great 5,027 sandwich ride with Ole Golly,
but now it's time to move on and try something new.
- Like hot lunch. [chomps] - [sighs]
That is a great idea.
[chews] I've got a million of them.
Gotta go.
Mmm, can't beat that new life smell.
♪ I just wanna be You just wanna be ♪
♪ We just wanna be ♪
♪ I am gonna be who I wanna be ♪
♪ My autonomy ♪
♪ No, I won't cut my hair ♪
♪ And I'll wear whatever ♪
♪ I like it when I get to be myself ♪
♪ I don't wanna be You don't wanna be ♪
♪ We don't wanna be told what to do ♪
[Harriet] I decided I needed a theme song to launch the age of Harriet.
[radio interference]
Kaboom.
["I Got You" plays]
[horn sounds]
[song continues]
[dog barks]
[barking continues]
[coughing]
- [bell rings] - [Harriet humming]
[humming continues]
Are you okay?
Never better.
"Never better," never better?
Or never better, "I miss Ole Golly,
and I'ma start crying and screaming like a loon?"
- [babbles] - What are you doing?
Trying to touch my nose with my tongue.
Never done it before.
Good morning, my brave young thespians.
Cool! I did it.
Class has begun, Harriet.
Sorry, Ms. Elson.
As you all know, Fall Harvest Day is almost here.
Time for us to celebrate with our annual class play.
Now, who has an idea?
Pfft.
[Harriet] Why bother?
Every year, Ms. Elson asked for suggestions,
and every year she always picked one of Marion's crummy ideas.
Everyone had a theory for why Ms. Elson couldn't say no
to Marion.
- Two words. Mind-- - Control.
I heard that Marion bribes her... [whispers] ...with Tater Tots.
Why are you asking me? I-I don't know.
[stammers] Why would you think I would know?
[whispers] Actually, I heard that--
[Marion] Ahem.
Hi, Marion.
I was just keeping the seat warm for ya. [chuckles]
I think we're done now.
Let's do something with pirates. Or bears.
Oh, how about Madam Curie and her husband discovering radium
and true love?
Or pirates and bears.
Since the holiday celebrates the coming of winter,
why don't we do something about keeping warm?
Yeah, we could do a salute to mittens.
Or when you stand above a subway grate when the train goes by,
and that warm wind blows up your pants.
That's what I was gonna say.
- Same-- - Wavelength.
Hmm. Anyone else?
[Harriet] What can I say? There's a first for everything.
Yes, Harriet.
Since we always have a big roast chicken for dinner on Fall Harvest Day
and we're studying the Trojan War in history,
what if we make a big Trojan chicken that the Greeks gift to the Trojans?
And just when they're ready to chow down,
- they all get sneak attacked. - [chicken squawks]
Hmm.
[Harriet] I could see it now. My play would be a hit at school,
then go to Broadway,
then Montreal where Ole Golly would see it.
Marion, stop keeping us in suspense. [laughs]
I suggest we honor the holiday by being all the things we eat
at the Fall Harvest feast.
It's topical, original, and... [sighs] ...besides,
I already wrote the whole play.
[Harriet] Clearly, Ms. Elson had not heard the news
that this was the age of Harriet.
Brava, Marion.
[Ms. Elson] I'm guessing you'd like to play the roasted chicken.
Perfect.
Rachel and Beth Ellen, I see you two as the drumsticks.
Mr. Matthews and Pinky, you can be the yams.
Carrie, I see you as a brussels sprout.
Janie and Sport would make wonderful Tater Tots.
Harriet, what would you say about being the onion?
I would say, "No, no, no, no, no, no, and no. PS. No."
Oh, oh, no, no, no. Harriet, that's ridiculous.
Onions are beautiful.
They're stinky, and they make people cry.
There's a lot more than meets the eye.
[groans]
- [thuds] - Ow.
Wha-- [sighs] What are you trying to do?
Ah, Ms. Elson told me that to truly be an onion,
you have to learn to fall in a rolling way like an onion does.
Who-- Ow.
Oh, is this for the Fall Harvest play?
No, I'm being an onion just for the heck of it.
[scoffs] I was just asking.
Whoa, what's going on here?
[sighs] She's being an onion.
A good director would say that to be an onion,
you have to feel like an onion.
Do you feel like an onion?
[sighs] Not in the least.
Honey, you need to feel like an onion.
I don't want to be an onion.
And it's a good thing.
How many parts are written for onions these days?
[chuckles] You're so smart.
Let's see you fall in a rolling way like an onion.
Don't mind if I do.
[grunting]
Ow.
[Harriet and Mrs. Welsch laughing]
- Are you feeling like an onion? - [phone beeping]
I'm trying to, but closest I can get is a scallion.
[laughs] Sorry.
If you think it's so funny, why don't you give it a try?
Maybe I will.
[Harriet] Now that I've been an onion,
I wonder what it would be like to be a table.
- Or a bathtub. Or another person. - [Mr. and Mrs. Welsch chattering]
- [thud] - [Mr. and Mrs. Welsch shout]
Ow.
[laughs]
[Harriet] I wonder what Ole Golly would say to that.
Ole Golly kinda looked like a bird with teeth,
but I think I really look a little like an onion.
After that disaster, I decided that to fully onionize myself,
I needed to do more research.
Because I have a higher sulfur content,
the yellow onion is known for having a more complex flavor.
Because I have a low sulfur content,
the Bermuda onion is famous for having a much sweeter taste.
Don't listen to those doofuses.
If you want a sweeter taste and a more complex flavor,
you got one choice. The--
- The Bermuda onion. - No, the--
Yellow onion. In your face.
[both laugh]
No, the Vidalia.
[Harriet] Then, I got some books out at the library
and learned all kinds of fascinating stuff.
Did you know that New York City used to be called the Big Onion?
Because it was a place where you could peel off
layer after layer without ever reaching its core.
Or that the ancient Egyptians worshipped the onion.
And believed its spherical shape
and concentric circles symbolized eternity.
The more I read,
the more I began to understand one of Ole Golly's famous quotes.
Dostoyevsky said,
"If you love everything,
you will perceive the divine mystery in all things."
[Harriet] The next day when we got our costumes,
I wondered what Dostoyevsky would have said
if he had seen me in my ridiculous onion costume.
At least it had a secret pocket to hide my notebook.
- And it didn't make me itch like a maniac. - [grunting, panting]
Or Carrie Andrews' brussels sprout costume,
which seemed okay except for one bizarre detail.
[sniffing] Ugh.
Why does this thing smell like brussels sprouts?
[Harriet] Pinky and Purple Socks arrived in their matching yam costumes.
You look "yam-tastic." [laughs]
You look "yam-tabulous." [laughs]
[Harriet] Rachel and Beth Ellen came as drumsticks.
I'm gonna fall. Catch me. [shouts]
- Right. Sorry, Beth Ellen. No arms. - [sighs]
[Harriet] As you might expect,
Marion's chicken roast costume was by far the most fabulous.
What? Doesn't everyone have a great aunt who makes costumes for Broadway plays?
Oh! [chuckles]
First of all, let me say, you all look good enough to eat.
[laughs] Good enough to eat.
[Rachel] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wh--
[grunting]
[sighs] You gonna help me up, or do I have to put you on the list?
[Harriet] Rachel had a long list of all the people
she was going to eventually get revenge on.
[Rachel] Mr. Horatio.
Thanks, Mr. Horatio.
You're welcome.
[strains] Yeah. Okay, I got you. I got you.
There we go, Rachel. No harm done.
[whimpers] Help.
For our first rehearsal, let's begin by asking ourselves,
"What's the first step in learning to become our characters?"
For me, it's really about digging deep and getting to know my character.
My, Harriet, aren't you just the master thespian?
Actually, I think that's good advice, Harriet.
Let's all spend a little time getting to know our characters.
Sorry, Beth Ellen, didn't see you there.
[sighs]
[Ms. Elson laughs]
Oh, oh, oh, careful now.
The chicken needs her drumsticks.
- [struggling] Whoa. Whoa. - [Beth Ellen screams]
[groans] Get off of me.
[Harriet] By the end of our first week of rehearsals,
I became the unofficial leader of the side dishes.
I know we're only side dishes.
But if we stick together, we can make a difference.
[both] Deal with it!
Uh, Ms. Elson, Harriet is writing new lines for my play.
It's a great script, Marion.
I just think that the side dishes can have more of a voice.
May I have a look?
I see where you're going, Harriet.
The roasted chicken is the star.
But without the side dishes, there'd be no Fall Harvest feast.
Exactly.
Do you mind if I use that line in the speech I'm writing?
It's kinda brilliant.
[gasp] Oh, oh! Well, it's yours.
Well played, Harriet M. Welsch.
Well played.
[Harriet] Fixing Marion's script was a lot harder than I thought.
Hello, Harriet.
Ole Golly. [inhales deeply]
How was Montreal?
I learned some French.
[speaking French]
That means, "How's the writing going?"
[sighs]
I'm nervous.
I've never shown my writing to anybody else before.
What if it stinks?
The author Samuel Beckett said this about life, but it applies to writing too.
[Ole Golly] "I can't go on. I'll go on."
So, stick with it.
No, don't go.
I need you to pull off my blanket every night
and tell me it's time to go to sleep.
My parents never do that. Plus, I miss you.
Au revoir, Harriet. Au revoir.
[Ole Golly] That's French for...
Goodbye. [sighs]
[Harriet] I knew I was way too old to be doing this.
But it was an emergency,
and the only cure was pretending I was five years old again.
[snoring, mumbling]
Ah.
[grunts, snores]
[groans, snoring]
[smacks lips]
[Harriet] Ole Golly wasn't going to save me,
and neither was being five years old again.
[Harriet] The training wheels were off for good.
The only person who was going to save me was Harriet M. Welsch.
"Friends, Romans, and vegetables, lend me your ears."
[sighs] Dumb.
"Why be side dishes when we can be front dishes?"
[Harriet] Front dishes?
[groans]
[Harriet] ♪ Well, we started as "potaters" ♪
♪ On the train to tasty town ♪
♪ We danced with graceful graters And were fried till golden brown ♪
♪ When it comes to crisp confections We wear the golden crown ♪
[Harriet] I didn't know where that song came from,
but I definitely wanted to see where it was going.
♪ Let us show you the way to tasty town ♪
Ms. Elson, while I kindly agreed to let Harriet write a few lines,
I did not agree to letting her turn my play
into a musical.
Marion, I understand why you're upset.
And it is time to do something about it.
The emotions you're feeling right now, anger, resentment, jealousy.
Try to climb aboard one of those feelings and see where it takes you.
But, Ms. Elson--
Acting is a journey, Marion. Don't be afraid now.
Now, Harriet. Let's take it from the top.
I want all the side dishes to come in at the chorus.
[chuckles] And a one, and a two, and a three.
[piano playing]
[Harriet] I must have done something right because the next day,
all the side dishes were working on their characters.
I yam what I yam.
Would you boys stop yammering, please?
You want Tater Tots?
♪ Well, we started as "potaters" On the train to tasty town ♪
♪ We danced with graceful graters ♪
- ♪ And were fried till golden brown ♪ - You're holding up the line.
♪ When it comes to crisp confections We wear the golden crown ♪
♪ Let us show you the way to tasty town ♪
[Carrie] I am a brussels sprout.
I am a brussels sprout.
- [toilet flushes] - I am a brussels sprout.
Ew. Gross.
How could you want to be something that smells like rotten eggs?
The rotten egg smell associated with brussels sprouts comes
from improperly overcooking the vegetable.
When prepared properly by gently steaming,
brussels sprouts have a sweet, nutty flavor and a crisp texture.
I am a brussels sprout. I am a brussels sprout.
When is this going to stop?
Acting is a journey, Marion. Don't be afraid.
Harriet. Oh. [strains]
Just-- Oh, you are pathetic.
Ms. Elson, Harriet is trying to take over my--
Marion, you're here. Perfect.
You're just in time
to rehearse a new scene that Harriet wrote.
[gasps]
"Pee-yew, brussels sprout. You smell like rotten eggs."
"The rotten egg smell associated with brussels sprouts--"
This has gone too far.
I am not the villain. I am the main course.
You are not getting away with this.
[grunts]
Marion.
[gulps]
Okay, everybody.
I've asked you here for a top-secret, Marion-free rehearsal of a new song
- for the end of the play. - [Marion] Oh, nice try, Harriet.
Ugh. Look who's here.
Just wanted you all to know we are quitting the play
unless we go back to the original script.
Oh, maybe the play will be better without Marion.
[sighs]
[Harriet] I knew Janie was right. Without a roast chicken,
our Fall Harvest Day play would be a dead duck.
Marion, you know we can't do it without you.
You should have thought of that before you decided to hijack my play.
You may all think that Harriet M. Welsch just wants
to make the play better.
But the truth is, she just wants to get revenge on me.
That's not true.
Oh, really? So, you're not still furious at me for not being your friend anymore?
That was a long time ago.
You know, I wanna say, "Liar, liar, pants on fire."
But you're not wearing any pants.
So, I'll just go with, "Liar, liar, lame onion costume on fire."
You're the liar.
Said the liar.
- I am not a liar! - [Marion grunts]
[gasps] Oh, uh, sorry. It-It was an accident. Are you okay?
You all saw it. She attacked me.
Do something!
- Well, what do you-- Wha-- - Just go.
Run, Harriet!
[panting]
[pants] What are we supposed to do when we catch her?
I have no idea. I thought you knew.
[Beth Ellen] Where did she go?
[Rachel] Split up!
[sighs]
[grunts] Whoa. Ah!
[straining]
[panting]
[Harriet gasps]
[Harriet] It-- It couldn't be, could it?
[sighs]
[Harriet] You know that new life smell I was talking about?
But Marion had my notebook.
The only thing I could smell was fear.
Well, since you claim you're not a liar,
everything you wrote about us in your little notebook must be true.
[breathing heavily]
No one reads my notebook but me!
[shouting]
[gasps]
Oh, here's something about me.
[Harriet] Just like that, the age of Harriet officially bit the biscuit.
♪ I just wanna be You just wanna be ♪
♪ We just wanna be ♪
♪ I don't wanna be You don't wanna be ♪
♪ We don't wanna be told what to do ♪
♪ And I try my best to do good In the neighborhood ♪
♪ I smile real nice ♪
♪ And I strive to tell the truth ♪
♪ I just wanna be You just wanna be ♪
♪ We just wanna be ♪
♪ I don't wanna be You don't wanna be ♪
♪ We don't wanna be told what to do ♪
♪ I am gonna be who I wanna be ♪
♪ My autonomy ♪
♪ I just wanna be You just wanna be ♪
♪ We just wanna be ♪
♪ No, I won't cut my hair ♪
♪ And I'll wear whatever ♪
♪ I like it when I get to be myself ♪
♪ I don't wanna be You don't wanna be ♪
♪ We don't wanna be told what to do ♪