[water splashing]
-[distant piano music playing] -[distant applause]
-[piano plays clearly] -[indistinct chatter]
[light chuckling]
[captain] Hmm.
[suspenseful note drones]
Our target is wearing a captain's uniform. I repeat, a person in a captain's uniform.
-[playing jolly tune] -[jovial chatter]
[suspenseful note drones]
[onlookers cheer and laugh]
-Thank you. -Bravo!
Come with me, Captain.
Let's go find our table. The show's about to start.
Goddamn! That is bright. I can't see anything in there.
[grunts] Yeah. It's like looking straight into the sun.
What the hell is he up to in there? I bet something nuclear.
Remove your night-vision goggles. I repeat, remove the night-vision goggles.
This better work, Mr. Know-It-All Vision Expert.
Okay, fine.
-Set your tasers for max electrocution. -[device chirps]
Let's take this asshole down hard.
["Tequila" playing]
[laughter]
Hold on a sec. Wait, wait! There are multiple captains in there.
[chief on radio] Decoys.
Ugh, so devious.
Go, go, go!
[gasping]
-[explosion] -[screaming]
Pacify the captains! Our target could be any one of them.
No! No! Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
[chief] Son of a bitch!
But they're just kids!
This is no time to categorize or pigeonhole people, Agent Steel.
Tase them all.
[agent] That's what you get for being a decoy.
[kid warbles]
[commotion]
-[agent 2] Do not move! Do not move! -[screams]
Well, well, well. [chuckles]
What have we got here?
[captain] Agh!
I am Captain Tucker, and I am in charge of this vessel.
What on earth are you doing here?
-I demand answers! -Oh…
-[groans] -You'll get your answers all right.
You'll get your answers
in a jail cell.
[agents] Mm.
Well, uh, actually, we should probably read him his rights
and inform him of the charges against him.
And all that.
Oh, nice, Steel. That was a cool-ass line. Way to ruin the moment.
You wanna do that cool line again, Chief?
Nope, nope, nope. The moment is gone.
Steel took that away from us.
Everyone, just… Let's just leave. Let's go.
[whimpering, sobbing]
[children crying]
Hello, sir. They got him.
It's on again.
[Captain Tucker] This is scandalous! Agh!
[frantic string music playing]
[reporter] It was just after midnight
police raided the Pacific Pearl and arrested Captain Herman Tucker
on multiple charges of drug smuggling,
trafficking, possession of illegal firearms,
and slaughter of endangered animals.
-[student] Watch out. Pee incoming. -Ugh!
[laughter]
That's a good one.
Yeah, looks like I peed my pants pretty massively.
Whatever, Fall.
[sighs] Yep, just emptied my bladder in my pants.
That's me. No, that's… It's good stuff.
See you at the next, uh… Yeah. [clears throat]
The prosecution is getting ready for the trial of the century.
But first, Captain Tucker is going to be isolated in prison,
where should he for some reason pass away,
the district attorney would lose her only witness.
Oh, it looks like I peed myself, but, um…
I'm just the butt of a great prank. Don't worry.
-Oh… kay. -Yeah, it's not urine.
Um… [sucks]
-Mm. -Oh, it's actually…
It's actually Fanta.
Whatever, Fall. Exam results are in. You should check 'em out.
They're here? Should I be excited or--
[sarcastically] Oh yeah. This is it.
This is the exam that decides your career, and you really stand out.
Really? Oh! [panting]
Okay. Here we go.
Fall, Fall. Duh-duh-duh…
Duh… No…
Oh.
Ah, darn it.
[dramatic string music playing]
[music builds]
[strings screech]
[music fades]
[agent] Right…
Guys. Wow, I am just so proud right now.
We have helped rid the world of evil.
-Let's have some cake. -Fuck, yeah! Cake tastes good.
[cheering]
Yeah, I just have this weird hunch. Am I the only one who thinks
there could be more to this Captain Tucker case?
Say what, Steel?
I just mean that… does everyone really believe
that one man single-handedly did all those horrible things by himself
without anyone else on that ship knowing?
Wow.
Right?
[chuckles] Just wow.
Could be a criminal organization running that ship.
Captain Tucker could actually just be the tip of the iceberg.
Some kind of pawn. A patsy, a fall guy.
Hmm.
-You know what I think, Steel? -No.
I think it's actually time for you to shut your big yapper.
-Right on! -Can't you just enjoy this glorious win?
Washington has been this close to shutting us down,
and now you come here with this… this nonsense.
Yeah, what an asshole!
Fuck you, Steel! Fuck you to hell!
To be completely honest with you, Steel, no one likes a snoopy agent.
Really?
All that sneaking around, gathering evidence,
retrieving lost documents, and finding witnesses
that could shed new light on a case?
Ugh. People hate that.
Uh…
-But that's kind of our job though. -Our job was to crack this case.
-And now it's cracked. -[phone vibrating]
[phone rings]
Yes?
Mm. Unfortunate? [chuckles]
Roger that.
[clears throat]
Listen up, team.
Captain Tucker just killed himself in jail.
Suicide, Epstein-style.
What?
It's probably because he was torn apart by guilt.
So the train has left the station. Case closed forever.
-Huh? -[laughs]
In your face, Steel.
[chief] Oh! Yes. Oh. Let's go!
-[disco music playing] -Eh!
♪ Let's do it, let's do it, let's do it ♪
Yeah!
Hey, what are you doing with, uh, that evidence?
You heard the chief. Case is closed. We're burning everything.
Oh?
Yeah, just dumping it into the evidence destroyer downstairs.
Hey, uh…
Let me take that down for you.
I'm actually heading down to the evidence destroyer right now.
Great. Thanks. Uh, just don't take it home.
-That's a federal offense, you know. -Ha-ha!
I know. I would never do that because that is not what I am going to do.
-Far from it. -Great. Good to hear.
This will not be that one case I couldn't let go of
and eventually get totally Carrie Mathison-obsessed with.
Perfect.
No way, no, sir. Ain't happening. Not this guy.
Too grounded for that stuff.
[cloth squeaks]
Hi.
[radio DJ] Well, you're listening to 102.6 The Hawk,
and up next, we have a great tune from one of my favorites.
How can I help you, young man?
Oh, hi. Jonathan Fall. I… I called. Um…
Oh yes. Mr. Fall. Please come in.
Oh, I was just looking at my family on the wall out there.
Hoo!
Fall family has been roaming the seas for generations,
so… they expect nothing less from me.
Mm-hmm.
Let's see here. Jonathan Fall.
Ouch.
Okay, well, I know when you look at my grades,
it… it doesn't look that great,
but the ocean is in my blood. It's in my genes, I think, so…
Okay.
Yeah, my… my… my family was practically responsible
for the Allies winning World War II,
so not too… shabby. [chuckles]
The thing is, you had the worst exams in the history of the Naval Academy.
Oh. Oh.
Right now, the closest you'll ever get to commanding a ship
is turning tricks at the docks.
Hmm. [sucks teeth]
Oh, I don't know, I mean…
If there were guarantees that I would eventually command a ship…
Just as a starting gig, maybe I--
I am obviously joking, Fall.
Yeah. Of course. [chuckles]
Me, a hooker? No, I… I would never. That's, um…
I was just joking too. Just, uh…
two people in an office just crackin' jokes.
Anyway, you were saying?
What I can offer you is an extensive personality test,
where you can show potential employers what you're really made of.
Maybe you have some hidden talents
hidden deep, deep down there. Somewhere.
There. Done. [chuckles] I'm pretty sure I nailed it.
Mm, there is nothing to nail. It's a personality test.
Hold on. I'll get the results in two secs.
Ooh, wow, there are some great ships here.
Could you send my test results to the Emperor of the Seas maybe?
Is that crazy?
-[computer beeps] -Oh. Oh Lord.
-That good? -No.
But I owe it to your family name to get you something.
Oh! Ah, this could be an opportunity for you to work on that personality
and get some job experience.
And who knows what could happen down the line, Fall.
Wow, that is awesome.
Thank you. Tha… Thank you so much, ma'am.
That is just a dream come true. Thank you for believing in me.
-[heartfelt music playing] -[waves splashing]
-[foghorn blares] -[man over PA] Thar she blows!
[eerie music playing]
[rat squeaks]
[engine revs]
[mysterious music playing]
[chatter]
[tires screech]
-[bodies thud] -[woman groans]
That's on you, Mrs. Gilroy.
-That beautiful saggy ass distracted me. -[laughs]
Oh, never mind. Those things happen.
-Hey, Tanner! -[Mrs. Gilroy chuckles]
-Whoo! -Oh. [chuckles]
Can't hear me.
Jonathan, darling.
Hey, Mom.
I didn't know we were having a party. What's the occasion?
-Oh, it's your brother's big day. -Big day?
Yes, we're celebrating Tanner's 33 and a half birthday.
Oh. Cool.
I'll… I'll… I'll just get changed, and then I'll join in.
Yeah, about that. You know what?
How about you just climb up in your treehouse,
and we'll bring you some food up there.
Your father and I thought that would be a great idea.
I totally agree. It's… It's just that I would really like
to, uh, join the party.
Of course, but I think it might be better for you to just skip it.
-So let's go ahead and do that. -Roger that.
Oh, Angela, you made it!
[distant jazz playing]
[distant chatter, laughter]
Hi, Dad.
Here you go. Chow down.
Ooh, thank you. So hungry. Good party?
Oh yeah. So great. So much fun.
Skrillex is DJing later,
and your brother is sparkling like a star down there.
Oh. I bet.
May… Maybe I can come down and join in for a little while?
Just say hello to Uncle Herman and them maybe,
just to get a little taste of the fun.
Well, in an ideal world, it's exactly what you would have done,
but we don't want to risk you ruining your brother's big day
with your presence.
What? Well, I wouldn't ruin anything.
I'll stay low, have a little friendly chat here and there. Yes?
Nope, not gonna happen.
Oh… Okay.
Oh. Oh. You're taking the ladder?
Oh, it's just a security measure.
Mostly to protect you from people climbing up and disturbing you.
-Oh. -Yeah, you know.
Don't want an old uncle to come up there
and have his way with you or anything like that.
What?
I'm not saying it will happen,
but statistically, every family has a molester in their ranks.
Ooh.
Yikes, okay. Um, well, thank you, I guess.
I'll put it back in the morning, I almost promise.
Oh, that would be great. Okay. Good night, Dad.
Good night… you. [chuckles]
[dance music playing]
["I'm Too Sexy" playing]
[Tanner, slurring] ♪ Know what I mean And do the little… on the catwalk ♪
♪ I'm on the catwalk, yeah I'm on a catwalk! ♪
[chuckles] Tanner. So talented.
♪ Too sexy for my pants Too sexy for my… ♪
[partygoer] You're the best, Tanner!
[alarm clock beeping]
[birds singing]
[sighs] That's unfortunate.
[tense music playing]
Of course, Mr. Tyrant.
-Was that him? -Yeah.
He wants us to take a different approach this time.
Instead of finding a captain with certain credentials,
he wants us to find a captain with… none.
Like a wet piece of clay with a license to command a ship.
Yeah, I guess.
Let's get to it.
Muy bien. Vamos.
[Tanner] Yah. Coming through. I know the, uh, captain.
He's the kids' uncle, so move it.
-Hey, say hello to your uncle, kids. -Uncle?
Just messing with you.
I'm trying to bang their mother, and she made me take them to the park.
-Can you believe that? -What?
What, what? If you don't wanna know the truth,
stop listening in on other people's conversations.
I think he… Honestly, I think this one's slow.
Here. Why don't you go on the ride? Thank you.
Insane birthday party, huh?
I had, like, six beers. I'm hungover like a mofo.
Okay.
Yeah, it got totally outta hand.
Fucked three chicks, or hens, or whatever.
I thought there were mostly senior citizens there last night.
What can I say?
I like the taste of raisins just as good as grapes.
Okay.
Anyway, I can't believe I'm finally 33 and a half.
Wow, time flies when you're doing great and having tons of fun at the same time,
both at work and in private.
Sure… Sure. Yes, I get it.
Hey, what's wrong with this ride? Can't it go any faster?
Well, this is as fast as I am allowed to take this… old lady.
Come on, Tiny J.
You know I'm a real captain, right? I could order you if I wanted to.
Ah, I… [chuckling] I don't think you could do that.
Oh. Oh, you wanna test me? Do you?
-No. -Do you seriously wanna test me?
-I really don't-- -I hereby commandeer this ship.
[Jonathan] No!
[kid] Yay-hey! Whoo!
[yelling]
[Jonathan] Oh! Oh!
[screaming]
God, Jonathan! That was so dangerous!
[metal creaking]
[screaming]
[woman] Where's my baby?
[man over PA] Thar she blows!
Oh…
Okay. Well, okay. And now my clothes are wet.
Jonathan Fall, you have shown a lack of responsibility,
and I have no choice but to remove you of your stripe.
-Please, sir. You can't do this. -[grunts]
-Well, I just did! -[distant sirens wailing]
Ah! [inhales sharply]
Darn, that hurts.
[pensive music playing]
[knocking on door]
Mom?
Dad?
Anyone home?
Mom? Dad?
Hello?
Anyone in here? No. Where are you guys?
-Hel… Oh! -[rhythmic clicking]
-[grunting] -[bed squeaking]
[squelching]
-[gasps] What the hell, Jonathan? -Hi.
You know very well what that metronome means.
It's lovemaking at a BPM that makes us come
at the exact same second.
Yes, I know. Sorry, I… I know.
[Blake sighs]
Well? What?
[sighs] It's just that I was, uh, demoted at work,
and, um… I was just wondering
if you could speak to Tanner
about me maybe getting some work experience on his ship.
-He… He won't listen to me. -On Tanner's ship?
Is that how you wanna live your life, taking handouts to get what you want?
Not working for it? I don't think so.
-That's not how the Fall family works. -[lube squelches]
No way.
Jonathan, darling.
Yes, Mom?
Why don't you get out of the room so that your father and I can finish?
No offense, but your presence is a huge, huge turnoff.
Yes! Now, get the hell out!
-[metronome clicking] -Jesus. There we go. [grunts softly]
Oh, you're s… Okay, yes. That's… That's my cue. [chuckles]
[Blake grunts and splutters]
Okay. We're here.
Oh, and Liza, try not to attract any attention please.
-Just quick in and out, hmm? -Sure thing, Pedro.
You know me. I'll be discreet.
Muy bien.
So what can I do for you?
My employer is looking for a captain for a high-end cruise ship.
Perfect. We have some of the best candidates in the country.
Great. We are an unconventional cruise line,
and we are all about giving everyone a chance.
-Sounds good. -Yes.
So I was hoping we could start at the bottom of your deck
and work our way up from there.
So you want the worst candidate?
Mm… Maybe.
[keys tapping]
Well, the very worst candidate is a man by the name of Jonathan Fall.
He was at the bottom of his class,
and he has all the qualities that you're not looking for in a leader,
as you can see here.
Hmm. Gullibility through the roof,
extremely low on natural authority, alphaness, suspiciousness. Uh!
-This seems like a great fit. -Really?
Wow, this is so great to hear.
I'm gonna make a huge deal about this and tell everyone.
Hey. Please, please, Mrs. Porter.
Discretion is of immense importance to my employer.
Are you kidding? I'm already making an Instagram post.
We have over 900,000 followers, so the reach is pretty spectacular.
This is bound to go viral,
and you and your employer will have your faces all over it.
You know, I'm so sorry, but we can't have that.
[gasps]
-Ah! -Sorry.
Sorry. Uh, sorry. Sorry.
["Why Don't You Do It? playing on radio]
Shit.
Yeah, so, uh…
Sorry.
-[toilet flushes] -[sighs]
Merde.
And… sorry.
♪ When I woke up you had gone… ♪
[sighs]
[song continues on radio]
♪ And I was here on my own ♪
♪ You left a note on the bedroom door ♪
♪ It said that you would be back ♪
["Liberty" playing]
♪ I know you wanna get up next to me… ♪
Smooth, Liza. Very smooth.
[tires screech]
[doorbell rings]
Well, I'll be cocked.
[Alexis] Jonathan!
Darling!
Breakfast is ready!
-For me? -Yes, for you, my little scoundrel.
Johnny, good God, we've missed you so much.
-Since yesterday? -Yes, since yesterday. Did you sleep okay?
Oh… Okay. What? What is going on?
Please, Mom, this is disgusting. Ya… Revolting!
What? I am not allowed to tell my favorite son
that I love him and miss him?
What?! Love and miss Jonathan?
I'm… I'm the favorite son. Dad, tell her.
Sorry, Tanner. We don't favor any of our children.
But if I was to choose, which I won't, right now it would be Jonathan.
[Alexis] Me too.
If I had to. If I was pushed into a corner.
Okay. What kind of bizarre charade is this?
You guys always say that you dread the day he was born,
and that he's a loser, and that you hoped for so long
that there was a mix-up at the hospital, and you'd get your real child back.
You always say that.
That's enough, Tanner. Shoo! Shoo!
You received this today from the Caribbean Queen.
You have received a formal job offer
to be a captain!
[Jonathan gasps]
-Wow. -What?
What? We're kidding. We're joking, right? [laughs]
Are we kidding? No? What are… You'll be the worst captain on earth!
I don't get it!
[footsteps recede]
[triumphant music playing]
It… It fits pretty great, doesn't it?
My beautiful boy, I'm so proud of you.
-[car horn toots] -Oh!
Your car is here. Good luck… son.
-[triumphant music continues] -Put that silly hand away.
Get in here. Oh yeah.
[gasps] It's happening.
Oh, damn. That's a warm and loving hug.
-Your turn, Alexis. -Huh. Oh…
-Go on. You can do this. -Yes, I know how to hug.
I… Uh… Huh.
-There it is. -[Alexis groans]
-Ha-ha. -[Alexis strains]
-So much love in the room. -[Alexis] Mm.
So much.
Okay, yeah.
Morning, Captain. Let me take that for you.
Oh, thank you very much. That's, uh, me, Captain. [chuckles]
-[Blake] Bye-bye, son! -[Alexis] Bye…
-[Blake] Great hug. -[Alexis] …you!
-Bye, Mom. Bye, Dad. -Bye!
-Bye-bye. -Bye, Consuela. Oh, bye, Tanner.
[proud fanfare playing]
Huh.
[sighs]
Wow.
[triumphant orchestral music continues]
[British man] Very well.
Very well indeed.
-You see that, Bon Jovi? -[cat meows]
That is my new captain.
The future of our enterprise.
-[British man chortles] -[crows caw]
[chortling continues]
[climactic choral music playing]
[music fades]