[bird squawks]
[inspirational music playing]
[rumbling]
[people straining]
[frantic string music playing]
[chime plays over PA]
Thank you.
Oh.
Uh…
-Hi. I'm Jonathan Fall. -Oh, uh…
Captain Fall, yes, nice to meet you.
I'm Günther. Nice button.
Oh, this stupid thing? Yeah.
The stewardess put it on me.
Said it was because I seemed so insecure and asked so many questions
and was so very needy or something? I… [chuckles]
It's classic flight humor.
Cool. Let's go.
Oh.
[boat engine revving]
Oh, wow.
No, no, no, no, Captain.
No manual labor for you. I'll bring your bags to your quarters.
Oh, thanks, great. Um…
-Then I'll just go inside? -Yeah.
Okay, and just start captaining or…
Eh, just walk up there. Yeah, that's all I know.
Thanks.
Hello?
Is anyone here?
Oh, hello, miss.
I… Oh.
Uh…
Is anyone here?
-[confetti cannon pops] -[crew] Surprise!
[Jonathan] Oh! Whoa. [laughs nervously]
-[cheering and whistling] -Ah.
Whoo! [laughs]
[crew member] The new captain! Whoo!
It is a great honor for me to welcome a man
that I sincerely hope will become one of my best friends and confidants.
He is a man we will all depend on to guide us safely across the seas,
and he alone will have the sole responsibility
for any cargo this ship carries.
Please, let's give a big round of applause
for the one, the only, Captain Jonathan Fall.
-[cheering and applause] -Come up here, brother. Come on.
Oh, up on the stage? Yeah. Okay.
Please, accept the key to the ship.
Ooh-hoo-hoo! Look at that!
-Welcome to the family, Capitán. -Thank you.
Hey, guys.
I… I just wanted to use this opportunity to let everyone know
that I am also new here on the ship.
Uh, my name is Nico, and I worked for three wonderful years
at the abandoned warehouse facility in Hamburg,
and I must have impressed someone in the organization
because, before I knew it, I was promoted and transferred here.
But what this is really about, our new captain,
and first up is the ritual signing of documents.
Just a bit of fun.
[chuckles] Of course.
There you go!
My first autograph. [chuckles]
And initials on every page, please.
[chuckles, sighs]
This is great guys. What a welcome.
Yeah. Thank you, my friend.
[cheering and applause]
It's done.
Okay, roger that. Yes. Okay, people, the documents are signed.
It's go time.
-Hi, Captain. -Oh, hi.
So cool they threw this party for us newcomers.
Yes. What an amazing welcome.
Yeah. I've heard all kinds of great things about you.
Lots of details, and I've seen pictures, and I've already read your file, and…
Yeah, I know pretty much everything about you.
There's a file on me?
File? No.
But you said something about a file on me that you already read?
Yeah, or… or I heard it.
People are just saying all this positive stuff about you.
And where I come from, we call that a file.
An oral file.
Okay.
-What were they saying, then? -Um… T… Pos…
Positive things.
-Superlatives. -I would love for you to be specific.
[chuckles] I'm not that used to positive feedback, you see,
so it would be fun to know what the… what the buzz is out there.
Uh… Well, uh… [exhales] you know…
The blond hair.
Not too tall.
Shoes.
-Things like that. -[laughs enthusiastically]
Nico.
So, Captain Fall, are you ready to settle in?
Yeah, sure. I didn't quite catch your name there?
It's Liza. Liza Barell.
I'm the activity manager. Come with me. I'll show you to your quarters.
[whistles] Wrap it up! Let's go! Vámonos.
[glasses clink]
[ladder scrapes floor]
So, Captain, excited to be here?
Oh, very. Very.
-And a little nervous, uh, to be honest. -No, you shouldn't be.
On this ship, everyone takes care of one another.
Wow. Well, that sounds great.
Lookin' forward to that.
-Yeah, we are like a family. -Oh.
Bummer.
Oh, this whole area here is off limits because of electrical stuff.
-You don't need to worry about that. -Well… Oh. I love electrical stuff.
Wires and switches and fuses and… and those things. They're so cool.
Wait, why is that off-limits to the captain?
-You know what attracts me? -Uh… No.
Guys who don't enter restricted areas
and who don't ask all kinds of questions about it.
That really gets my genital juices flowing.
What?
Yeah, not to get too personal or anything, but just don't go in here.
You have more important things to do.
So this is the captain's quarters.
Ho-ho!
Wow! This is amazing.
Oh, and this… this is my fish tank?
Mm-hmm, yes.
Ha! Hi, guys.
So why don't you just get some rest?
We'll see you tomorrow morning, and you'll be ready to start your work.
How does that sound, Captain?
That sounds amazing. Yes, let's do that. I will rest and see you tomorrow.
Dismissed. [chuckles]
No. But dismissed.
[inhales sharply]
[yawns]
[mystical music playing]
[birds squawk]
Good morning, Captain!
Please, join me and let me show you everything Rio has to offer.
Oh! That would be great,
but I'm gonna get to know every part of the ship
before the guests board.
Wanna be prepared, you know?
Well, uh, it is a tradition to board every port you are in as a captain.
Yeah, but I was in Rio yesterday.
Yeah, but you weren't the Captain yesterday.
You hadn't boarded.
-Okay, that… that is a valid point. -Come on. You'll have a great time.
You will come back to the ship a lot happier
and with fresh, fond memories.
Okay then. I would love to have fond memories.
[rumbling]
[sinister music playing]
[shouting]
[samba music playing]
Wow, that's a big helicopter.
It is.
Ah, it's like a giant bumblebee. [chuckles]
-Except that it's made of metal. -Sure.
-Very good observation, Captain. -Yeah.
And… And some oil-based materials also.
Like, uh, plastic and… the works. [sighs]
Uh-huh.
[whistles] Hey, hey. My friend, my friend, my friend. Hey.
You don't have no watch, eh?
Oh. That is true.
My parents always told me my wrists were too slim for me to wear a timepiece.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Your wrists are… They are great. Eh…
They are… [chuckles]
…almost not hideous, eh? [chuckles]
Hey, try this on, eh?
-[Jonathan] Oh. -Ah?
Cá ver? Like a glove. [chuckles]
Wow. So beautiful. I…
I always dreamt of owning a genuine, authentic Rolex.
It is a real Rolex, right?
I've heard they actually make fake watches.
Mm-mm. No fakey, okay? I'm real deal.
Okay, sorry, I had to ask.
Just a precaution. You can never be too careful. How much?
Dois mil. Two thousand, eh? In stores, at least double the price.
-Oh, really? -Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Special deal for you, my skinny friend. [chuckles]
[chuckles] Oh, wow, so friendly.
Um… [sighs]
I… I'll take it.
[chuckles] I'll just have to empty my savings account,
but I… I… I look at this as an investment.
And a hundred dollars extra to you for excellent service, my friend.
Hey-hey! Hey!
Que Deus te abençoe. God bless you.
Thank you, my feeble fella. Ha!
-Oh. -I'll see you later!
Wow. That was lucky. We made it just before he closed for the day.
Yes, lucky.
Obviously in a rush to get home. Probably a family man.
Ah, look at that.
Hey, give it, unmuscular man.
Oh!
[gasps]
[grunts]
Here, you can have this.
Money! Passa grana, poha.
For your information, that was a $2,000 watch,
and it's actually worth much more.
It's a fake. Five dollars max.
Actually, that… that's where you're wrong, sir.
It came with an oral guarantee.
Cash. Now!
Or I'll slice your cock in four.
Oh no! No, no, no, no. No thank you, no.
Then you'll get four separate mangled penises.
-None of them working properly. -I don't want that.
Aqui. Isso é tudo que eu tenho.
[suspenseful music playing]
[groaning]
Ah! Whoa!
-[robber grunts, screams] -[Jonathan] Oh!
-Ah! -[robber babbles]
[robber groans]
[tires screech, horn blares]
-[men grunt] -[Jonathan whimpers]
[knife squelches]
[Jonathan panting]
-[Jonathan whimpers] -[distant sirens wailing]
[knife clatters]
Eh…
Just so you know,
what just happened back there is totally normal.
I mean, it's almost boring. It happens all the time.
A normal occurrence, uh… just so you know.
Fun fact. Rio has more than 8,000 homicides every week.
They say it's not even a punishable offense here anymore.
Can you believe that?
So that's kind of fun.
Huh? A fun thing to think about?
Huh? Yes?
Captain, is there anything I can do to make you feel better?
Uh, get you a soft drink, an ice cream?
Oh, no, no, no thank you, Pedro. You've done enough.
You're probably tired anyway after killing those three people.
Well, you know, one of them was killed by a bus,
so you can subtract that one from the equation.
Yeah. I… I just think I need some time to process everything that's happened.
-I hope that's okay? -Sure.
Oh, and don't forget you have your first announcement later.
-It's going to be swell. -Oh. Yeah.
[elevator music playing]
[music continues in distance]
[dial tone buzzes]
[key bleeps]
[monotone playing]
[Nico] Operator. How may I help you?
Hi. I would like to talk to the Brazilian 911, please?
[Nico] Of course, hold on.
[Liza] Rio Police. How may I help you?
Hi, um, my name is Jonathan Fall,
and I have been involved in a terrible incident.
-[Liza] Go on. -Yes. A, um…
A triple homicide, um, to be specific.
I will look into it.
But I've got to be honest with you, you know,
triple homicides aren't really something we prioritize since they are so common.
In many cases, the victims, they asked for it.
They asked to be killed?
Sí, yeah, by trying to, you know, rob someone or something like that.
In those cases, they had it coming.
Was that the case in the homicide you want to report, sir?
They… They did try to rob me, yes.
Mm. See? Well, there you have it.
But you did the right thing by calling us, eh?
And now the case is closed, and we can all move on with our lives.
Okay, so tha… tha… that's how it works here?
Sí, sir. That is exactly how it works here.
That is Rio's judicial system in a nutshell.
Um…
Well, uh… understood.
-Thank you… -Mm-hmm.
…ma'am, I guess.
Bye-bye now!
-[line beeps] -Uh…
[sighs]
Well, great job showing our new captain the sweet life in Rio.
What a welcome.
I'm sorry about that. It got a little out of hand, I know,
but my reflexes and instincts took over. What can I say?
Give him an hour or two,
and I'm pretty sure he'll be perfectly fine.
Do you really think so?
Yeah, I'm already over it, so shouldn't be a problem for him.
[lively music playing]
-Hey, Capitán! -Jesus Christ almighty. Oh, you scared me.
-Sorry, my friend. -Oh!
But it's time for you to introduce yourself
and make a destination announcement.
Yes. Okay. Um…
Hi, I am Captain Fall, and we're heading--
In the mic, Captain.
Oh, of course, yeah. Or else no one hears it.
-[chuckles] -Exactly.
Okay. Okay.
[clears throat]
-[feedback whines] -[Jonathan] Hello, cruise p… passengers.
Uh… Hi. I'm… Jonathan Fall. I'm your… I'm Captain Fall.
Uh… I am 29--
We are leaving Rio for an Atlantic Ocean cruise
with Cape Town as our next destination.
Enjoy your yourselves, get comfortable, and have fun.
-[trembles] -You should get some rest, Captain.
-[exhales] -And we'll try this again tomorrow.
Yeah, yeah. Uh… Some rest would be good.
Definitely.
[Liza] Fuck me.
-He's a wreck. -Pff!
Talk about living in the past. Time to move on, no?
I didn't think he would be this fragile.
Maybe it's we who are desensitized after all this violence for so many years.
Maybe his is just a normal human reaction
after witnessing a super brutal triple murder up close.
[computer plays tune]
Shit. It's him.
[Liza] Mr. Tyrant, hello. To what do we owe this honor?
Liza! Pedro! Nico!
Just who I wanted to talk to.
Hello, Señor Tyrant.
It's an honor, sir. And thanks for the promotion, by the way.
Can I put you down as a reference in my CV?
It would be so helpful, like, it's a stepping stone--
Word is that our new captain isn't feeling too well?
-Who told you that? -Rumors travel fast, my dear.
Oh, he'll be fine. You have my word, sir.
Good! Good to know.
Because I can't afford another failed captain.
Of course.
If he doesn't work out, there will be changes to the crew.
Someone will have to be terminated.
That won't be necessary, sir. I wouldn't even bother with…
-[line cuts out] -Mm…
Hello?
Well, cock me.
Yeah. Cock me too, right in the face!
And stomach.
-What? -Well, we all know whose fault this is.
Pedro's or…
Yeah, but let's hope I can bail you out, okay?
I really hoped I wouldn't have to play this card so soon.
[jazzy spy music playing]
Oh! Hi, Ms. Barell.
Hi, Captain. I brought you a brand-new uniform.
Oh, thanks.
I understand you had a kind of unpleasant experience in Rio.
Yeah, it was actually very unpleasant.
Horrible. Uh… Like a nightmare.
Hmm. You know, in this profession you have to respect cultural differences.
-Everyone is not exactly like us. -Mm-hmm. I… I guess.
So what you witnessed is not better or worse than what we're used to.
It's just, mm, different.
Triple homicide is different, for sure.
Oh. [chuckles] What… What… What are you doin'?
We have to get you out of that uniform. There are still some bloodstains on it.
Oh. Oh, oh yeah.
Oh.
Sorry about the, uh… stiffness. I… [clears throat] I don't know.
It's probably just a physical reaction to the, uh, circumstances or, um…
Argh. [chuckles]
I don't usually get, uh…
erections when women undress me. My apologies.
Oh, that's totally fine.
-Let me help you get your fresh pants on. -Okay. Uh…
Ah, oh.
[moans]
[Jonathan] Ah. Oh…
Mm.
I think, uh, my penis just ejaculated.
Um… Wow. I am so sorry, ma'am.
Oh. No, no, no, no, no. No worries.
Those things happen.
Maybe you're just a little attracted to me?
Are you?
I… I have to admit there is some physical attraction there.
Uh, definitely. Yes.
Oh yeah? Mm… Just some?
It's a… very strong attraction, I would say.
Well, maybe the feeling is mutual.
-Who knows? -Really?
Mm-hmm. If you man up a little, maybe you will find out.
Man up?
Yeah. Get yourself together.
Put your new uniform on and be the captain on this ship
we all need you to be.
Y… Oh, sure, I can do that. Definitely.
You watch. You want a… You want a captain?
Here… Here one… is.
Good.
I'll see you around, Captain.
Yes! Yes and I will see you around, Ms. Barell.
Wow!
[snoring]
[in Guarani] You're our only hope, Pengo.
Save yourself and tell the world about us.
Expose these monsters.
I hate to leave this giant iron fish without my people.
You have to.
Just remember that you are quick as a weasel but lack strength.
If they catch you, it's over. Then you can just give up.
They will never catch me.
Good. Get to one of the smaller iron fish that we saw.
Lower it into the ocean and get away.
Thanks for trusting me with this honor. I will not let you down.
Good luck. The future of our people rests in your hands.
[solemn music playing]
[groans]
[dramatic music playing]
Ah!
-[server] Ah. -[Pengo] Wah!
[screams] Ah!
[elevator music playing]
[Jonathan] Top of the morning to you! And you.
[chuckles]
[dramatic music resumes]
[strains]
-Ah! -Whoa-ho-ho. Hey there, little fella.
You can't leave the ship. Your parents would miss you, you know?
[in Guarani] Let go of me, you freak!
[in English] Is the cruise so boring to you? [chuckles]
Let us see if we can find your parents somewhere.
[sneeze echoes, distorts]
And then we say, "God bless you," but you're too young to understand.
I won't hold that against you, you little rascal!
Hey, Captain! There you are. Uh… That is an escaped--
Child? Yes, I know what a child looks like, Pedro.
I was a child at some point.
If you can believe it. [chuckles]
I've never seen a child with so many tattoos before.
-Huh! It's adorable. -Yes, yes, very adorable.
But his parents are worried sick, so let me return him to them.
Well, now, hold it right there, Pedro.
-What? -Not so fast.
-He's not going anywhere. -Okay.
That's too bad.
Not without a photo! [chuckles]
Oh, it's every boy's dream to have their photo taken
with a captain of a ship.
Yeah. I wanna preserve all the important moments on my journey.
Come over here!
Cheese!
Okay. You're supposed to say "cheese." That's all right.
-Make sure the boy gets that photo. -Of course.
Wow, that is a great shot.
[Pedro] Yeah. It sure is, Captain.
[Jonathan] Yeah. I mean, he coulda stepped it up a bit, but look at me.
I look like a real… captain man. [chuckles]
[Pengo groans]
I'll deal with you later.
[elevator music playing]