Ease up to about six degrees on your starboard engine.
[radio] Roger that.
Looking good. Two-hundred forty-four over the ground here.
Muy bien.
-[loud crash] -[all screaming]
Go ahead and shut down engines and prepare to dock.
Good work, guys. Over and out.
-[sighs] -Great job, Captain.
Yeah. Startin' to get the hang of it.
[chuckles] Not to toot my own horn or anything.
I'll get the crew working on the repainting and repairs.
It'll be fixed in no time. Three days max.
Great! What a team we are. [chuckles]
A well-oiled machinery.
[frantic string music playing]
[sniffs]
Hey, have a great vacation!
[whistling badly]
[blows raspberry]
Hey, Captain!
Wild guess. You are a flower girl, right?
[chuckles] Yeah…
Flowers look good.
You have some colors there and everything. So pretty. [chuckles]
I just knew it. [sighs]
-So are you ready? -Yeah.
It's cool that you were so eager to come along and meet my family.
I… A bit surprising, to be honest.
I guess I just wanted to go on a small adventure with you.
And I have a tiny personal thing to attend to in Monaco on the way,
so I guess it's a "two birds with one stone" kind of thing.
Great, that's just great.
Uh, Monaco is not really on the way though.
Oh, it's not much of a detour, and it won't take long,
but it has to be our little secret that we're going back there. Okay?
You can keep a secret now, can't you, sweetie?
[chuckles childishly] Yes. Yes, of course. My lips are sealed.
[mellow music playing]
[sighs]
What a view.
-[gulls cawing] -[Jonathan] Wow. Views are cool.
[Liza] Mmm.
I'm just going to change into something more comfortable.
Ooh, that sounds perfect. Me too.
Oh! Oh, oh.
I just have to run a little errand.
Ya… Uh, well, I'll come with you, of course.
Oh. No, it's… it's personal.
Oh, perfect. I really wanna do personal stuff with you. [chuckles]
Okay, look, Jonathan.
[sighs] If this is going to work, we can't smother each other. Okay?
It's so important that we give each other space.
Yes. Yes. Giving each other space in a relationship is so healthy.
And I've… I've read that. It's a rookie mistake. I'm… I'm sorry.
No. Great. I'll be right back. See you.
Okay. Yeah. See ya. Cool. Very cool.
[door closes]
[ominous music playing]
-[gasps] -[silenced gunshots]
[news jingle playing]
[newsreader] A high-profile Russian oligarch…
-Liza. Liza! -Mmm.
Guess who's on the news. It's that oligarch. Someone killed him!
-Really? -Yeah.
Looks pretty horrible.
Someone forced a very dangerous radioactive thing up his rectum.
So no more party invites there, I guess.
Probably not.
Why would anyone do something like that?
[yawns] I wouldn't know, Jonathan.
Maybe he ratted someone out. Snitches get stitches, you know.
No, I did not know that.
Oh. That is probably us.
Yeah. Yeah. You're probably right.
-[sighs] -[repeatedly locking and unlocking]
Is anything wrong? You seem a little stressed.
Oh, I just don't really know what to expect when we get there.
My parents seem real proud of me now,
but… but you never… you never really know with them.
-No? -No.
There have just been so many mind games growing up, though,
so you can never know what to expect. They always keep you guessing.
[chuckles] Keep you on your toes,
so, uh… so that… that's good.
Oh. Okay.
[exhales, chuckles]
Look. Guess it's just a sign of the normal fright you have
before meeting up with your closest family.
Yeah, that doesn't seem very normal.
Ah, well, it is. It's just the way that, uh… nature plays out.
I don't follow you here, Jonathan.
You know, in… in the chicken coop, there is always one chick
that the other chickens gang up on and just peck on constantly,
and it may be because it's the smallest or weakest or just bad luck or whatever,
but, uh, in my family, uh, or coop, that has always been me.
That sounds horrible.
No. Well, the pecking has only been verbal,
So it hasn't hurt me on the outside,
so the outside is perfectly fine, so, uh… that is good.
-Is it? -Yeah. Yeah, it is.
It's all good. Yeah…
[doorbell chimes]
Oh, I have strict orders of always ringing the doorbell.
"Only bums barge into a house."
-[chuckles] -Even your own house?
Oh yeah, especially your own house, Mom and Dad always say.
Jonathan, my dear. How nice to see you!
Oh! How are you, Consuela? I've missed you so much.
Oh, and I have missed you, Johnny.
And who is this lovely lady?
I'm Liza. Jonathan's colleague and girlfriend.
Oh! You two look so sweet together.
Oh. Thank you. [chuckles]
Are… Are my parents in?
Yes, yes. Please, come in. They are in the garden.
Mr. and Mrs. Fall, Jonathan is home!
Jonathan, my baby boy.
So glad to have you home in that uniform.
-Oh, we have started to hug, right? -Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Come here and hug your mother.
A real warm, normal hug.
-Wow, that feels good. -Enough of that. Come here, you.
Ah, feels… feels good. Yeah. So natural.
Well, well, well. If it isn't Mr. Backstabber
who won't help his only brother get a job.
-What? -Why have to shove the uniform in my face?
You know how fragile I am after they let me go.
Well, I'm sorry you lost your job,
but I mean no disrespect by wearing a uniform.
Yeah, right! Oh, that hurts, man. You hurt me with your actions.
No shame. No class. It's always "me, me, me, me--"
-Shut it, Tanner! -Yeah, zip it!
And who is this? Can we help you? Are you lost, miss?
Oh. Uh, this is Liza.
My, uh… girlfriend.
Mm. Um…
Oh! Nice to meet you, uh, Liza.
-Nice to meet you guys too. -But what do you really mean?
You… You said "girlfriend," but that is probably very, very wrong.
No, no, Liza is my good colleague and girlfriend. [chuckles]
Oh, so she is a friend from work.
-I get it. -[Blake] Ah, yes.
A female friend.
Well, yes, you could say that, but we are also dating.
Come on. That is a horrendous lie, and you know it.
She, dare I say, is a bombshell.
So fuckable.
She would never be dating you nor let you touch her,
not in a million, bazillion years.
He's not lying, Tanner.
Jonathan is just confused by the term "girlfriend"
because he's never been close to having one before.
Isn't that right, Jonathan?
You are mixing up "female friend" with "girlfriend."
Ha, yes, that's it, isn't it, Jonathan?
No shame in that. People mix up words all the time.
-Of course. -He's an idiot.
[Tanner] Hmm.
Okay, so, back up. Let me get this straight.
This is a Pretty Woman thing, right?
-You're an escort? -No.
Dog garn it, Tanner. I'm sorry for swearing. I'm sorry.
I… I told you guys a hundred times now. Liza is my girlfriend.
Why is that so hard to process?
-Of course, sweetie. We understand. -Yeah.
-We get it. -We get it.
We are hip.
We know the dating scene is completely different
from when we were young.
Yes. Now it's all about apps, and sending penis pics,
and trading phone cards for sex behind the mall and all that.
-Mm, not really, I think. -It is.
God knows your father has gone through a phase
just like you're experiencing right now.
Oh! Remember that time you were "saving" that prostitute, Blake?
-Oh, remember that? Ha! -Yeah.
That was priceless.
Yeah. Cost me a fortune, and in the end, she preferred her old life.
She's actually still turning tricks under the freeway.
-Oh. -Yeah.
I drive by her from time to time and wonder what could've been.
But when I look back at it,
what we had was doomed from the beginning.
My first mistake was trusting her pimp.
Ah, so mischievous. Of course they were in love.
I tried like hell to get back into her good graces,
but it was a beautiful love story that was ruined.
I was gutted by the whole goddamn thing, and I'm still pretty pissed off about it.
-For Christ's sake. It's heartbreaking. -Now you're rambling, Blake.
But the point stands. Like father, like son.
Okay, guys, I am going to stop you right there.
I am not a prostitute that Jonathan is trying to save.
-No, of course! No offense, Liza. -No.
I'm just looking out for my son! But once bitten, twice shy, you know?
I am an officer on the Caribbean Queen,
and I am very much in love with your son.
He is the sweetest person I've ever met.
AI. It's AI, right? Mm? It has to be.
You are not a real person. You're like an advanced RealDoll
because, honestly… Can I say it?
Jonathan is unlovable, and everyone knows that.
Stop it, Tanner! Not everyone knows that. Shoo now!
-Go to your hut! Away! -[Blake] Tanner! Go!
-Now go on! Get! -Shoo! Go!
Listen to your mother! Get!
[soft piano jazz playing]
Thank you, Consuela. It looks fantastically refreshing.
Cheers!
Your father and I are so proud of you.
Mm.
Actually, we are so proud
that we want to take you for lunch at the Captain's Club.
Really? But we just had lunch.
Don't get too caught up in the details, Jonathan.
Okay! That sounds great. You up for that, Liza?
I think I'll just unpack and relax here, and you guys, you go have a great time.
Oh, um…
I… I don't need that, uh… space you were talking about or… or anything.
-Quite the opposite. -[Liza chuckles]
-No, no. You just go ahead. -[bell rings]
Please show Jonathan's lovely female friend to the guest room.
Okay, maybe I'll just freshen up and get changed.
-No, no, no. -No.
Wear that uniform. Do you have an ID with you?
Uh… Yes.
Great! Great. Be sure to bring that as well.
And if you have a stamped labor contract, be sure to bring that along too.
Good call, sweetheart.
Wow, this is so nice. A real family trip. That's a… a first.
Don't be foolish, Jonathan, baby.
We've been on tons of family trips.
Oh, Grand Canyon, Aspen, Hawaii, Costa Rica,
India, Thailand. Well, all over.
Yeah, with Tanner. I never went. It was the three of you.
Oh, but don't you remember?
We didn't have room for both of you in the car with luggage and everything.
But… But you… You flew to all those places.
Yes, but have you ever heard of families walking to the airport, son?
No, no. But this is my first family trip. That… That was my point.
-And that's not really a point. -[Blake] Not a point.
Because you were always with us in spirit.
-Mm-hmm. -And that is what's important.
It is the thought that counts.
Yeah.
Oh. [exhales]
You scared me. Can I help you?
Maybe. Maybe.
God. You are such a classic beauty.
With your looks, you could easily be in a porn mag.
Okay.
Mmm… Private magazine probably. You could be a Private girl.
Thank you, I guess, um, but what do you want?
Well, I couldn't stay away. You're like a magnet for my trunk.
-Your trunk? -Mm-hmm.
I call my penis "the trunk" because elephants have trunks,
so it's an analogy or a metaphor.
Oh. Oh, okay. So your cock has the shape of an elephant's trunk?
You can clutch branches and pick up peanuts with it?
Well, good for you.
No, no, no. I can't do that. I'm referring to the size.
Mm, doesn't look like it. I don't see a six-foot penis under there.
Oh, wouldn't you like to find out?
[chuckles] You… shouldn't be up here.
I know, but I'll give you the straight talk
because you look like a chick that can handle it.
-Okay. -Don't take this the wrong way.
Jonathan is a nice guy and all that, and I want the best for him. I really do.
But?
But you should ditch him right away, and we should hook up immediately.
Just rip off the Band-Aid and kick him to the curb.
-And why is that? -Just look at me, babe.
I hate that I have to say this myself, but I'm hot as fuck!
And I have so much more to offer you than he has.
So much more.
Really? Like what, Tanner?
Okay, uh, well, for starters, um… a cock that's on the north end of average.
It's above average?
Yeah, probably, with the right measuring technique,
and it's real smooth and beautiful too.
Oh-ho, it's… it's handsome. He's a handsome devil.
-You're gonna love him. -Okay.
And what I would like to do before Jonathan comes home
is give you a sample of…
-[cracking] -Whoa!
[loud thud]
-[Tanner groans] -[duct tape rips]
[continues groaning]
[Tanner groaning]
Good. You're awake.
I just wanted to let you know that I just got a text from Jonathan,
and he'll be back in approximately two hours.
[screams]
I think that gives me enough time to have you parted, wrapped up,
and get all your limbs into this suitcase,
and still have enough time for a shower. Hey?
[screams]
Do you know that with this bit,
I can drill through your eye socket and into the parietal lobe?
[screams]
All the way in the top back of your brain.
-[continues screaming] -[whirring]
[Liza] Mmm.
But since you may have some value to Jonathan,
I'll give you a choice.
There may be a way out of this for you, Tanner.
[Tanner whimpers]
[ethereal orchestral music playing]
[no audible dialogue]
Ooh, I hate to ask,
but, um, did you bring me there just to get that membership back?
Don't be ridiculous! Oh!
We would never use you as a ticket to memberships and status.
-No? -That membership doesn't mean anything.
Besides, doesn't it feel good to finally be of use to your family?
After all these years?
I… I… I guess.
Mm. Good boy.
Jonathan!
Oops! Hey there, Tanner.
Oh, good to see you, Jonathan. You guys have a good time or what?
Yeah, we sure did.
Pretty stiff crowd. Never liked it much, but so cool that you're back.
Hey, you know what I think we should do? Hang out in the garden.
Just spend some quality bro time together.
Maybe sling the old frisbee around or somethin'.
-Have you taken drugs again, Tanner? -No.
-Then where is the assholery? -Oh! [chuckles]
That was just an act. I was just playin' a part, silly.
For all those years? Wow. I call that dedication.
Yep. Let's split from the dinosaurs. I'll race you to the garden.
We can use my Nerf guns. They are state of the art.
Or we could do whatever you wanna do, Jonathan.
-Sure! -Tag, you're it!
-Okay! -[both giggling]
[Jonathan] You're so fast!
[both giggling]
Oh, I see you're making yourself at home.
I see there are no pictures of Jonathan here. Why is that?
Mm. That is because he is our treasured secret.
-Really? -Uh…
It actually has a natural explanation.
This is a little hard for me, but Jonathan was actually premature.
-Born way too early. -Oh?
Yes, the doctor said all my smoking and drinking caused it, but I don't know.
It looked like a super old shell-less turtle had lived in my uterus
and finally came out to see daylight for the first time.
-He was hideous. -Oh, hideous.
Like a baby Yoda minus the cuteness.
Oh my God.
-Well, I am so glad that he survived. -Phew.
How premature, if you don't mind me asking?
Almost two weeks. Eight days to be precise.
Yep.
I don't think that qualifies as being premature.
Oh yes, it does. It was a real scare for us.
So, in case he didn't make it, we decided not to get too attached to Jonathan.
We had to save ourselves from potential grief.
We had "Conthuela" breastfeed him and everything,
to weaken the bond between mother and son.
Wow, that is horrible.
Yes, indeed.
Yup. It was tough. Anyway, to make a long story short,
we put all our eggs into one basket and went all in with Tanner.
-We invested all our emotions in him. -[Blake] Mm-hmm.
-[Alexis] Didn't we, darling? -[Blake] We did.
[Alexis] Yes, we did.
-[Jonathan] Tanner, are you ready? -[Tanner] Mmm!
-Wow! Wow. -[chuckles]
That was the best "the nail" I've ever seen.
There wa… There was hardly even a splash at all!
Oh, thanks! I… worked on it quite a bit up through the years.
-I could tell. -[Liza] Jonathan.
-[Tanner gasps] -Are you coming to bed soon?
Um… Sure. Just a few more jumps, if that's okay?
-Sure, yeah. I'll see you upstairs. -Yes!
Hold on! You gotta watch Jonathan's "the nail."
It's epic, honestly.
It… It is actually pretty great.
-Okay. -Okay, here we go.
[Tanner chuckles]
[whimpers] Ah!
[sighs] Did you see it? Oh, that was great.
Yeah, great nail.
Oh, Tanner, you are so thirsty tonight. [chuckles]
[Jonathan chuckles softly]
-I really connected with Tanner today. -Hmm.
He proved people can change in a heartbeat
from being a bully in the morning, and all his life, really,
to the greatest guy in the afternoon.
Yeah, that was pretty amazing to see.
Not to say anything negative about your family or anything,
but your parents are pretty horrible people.
Maybe. Maybe a… a little bit, but… but they mean so well.
No, they don't. They mean harm.
They are arseholes to the core. You deserve so much better, Jonathan.
You know, even though we haven't known each other for real long,
I feel like you and Pedro and Nico and… and the others,
that's my real family, in a way.
That's… That's how a family should be.
Yeah. That is so, so true.
No secrets, no lies, and total respect.
I… I trust you guys a hundred percent, you know?
-That is good to hear. -[phone buzzes]
Oh, uh… Two secs.
Hello? Liza, you guys need to return.
Tyrant decided to cut vacations short for everyone. I'm sorry.
[Liza] God, you're breaking up. Let me get outside.
Maybe the reception is better.
[gulping]
[sighs]
Ah!
[gasps, groans]
Pedro. Pedro. You were saying?
[Pedro, distorted] Time to get back. Sorry.
Sorry, sorry. What was that? I'm having trouble hearing you.
[Pedro, distorted] I was saying that you guys should return.
[sighs] I'll put you on loudspeaker, okay?
Get the phone closer to the satellites, maybe that'll help.
Hello? Okay, try now.
-Can you hear me now, Liza? -Ah, yes. Crystal clear.
Good. How are things with our pawn captain?
[sighs] Good. Yeah. All good.
I can't stop thinking that it is incredible that we,
as a criminal cartel, can get away with so much just because of him.
-[chuckles] Tell me about it. -I will, actually.
-I have to get this off my chest. -What, now?
Yes. Now. I'll take it from the start.
The mission after he boarded the ship in Brazil still haunts me.
When Jonathan and I were walking through that alley…
[ominous music playing]
And that is how I feel about the whole criminal operation we're part of.
-And you can quote me on that. -Okay.
But not to Mr. Tyrant,
the evil mastermind behind all this.
Anyway, what I needed to say is that you and Fall have to come here
as soon as possible.
Roger that.
Oh, hi!
Who… Who was that calling so late?
Uh, no one. Just a prank call.
You… You talked for, like, 20 minutes with a prank caller?
Mm, yeah. Yeah, sure did.
Okay. [chuckles] Prank calls are the worst.
Such unnecessary use of telecommunications.
It… It is not what Alexander Graham Bell would've wanted.
That is not why he worked so hard.
No, no, probably not.
But anyway…
-Um… -Oh.
I wanted to say something before going to sleep.
Okay?
[chuckles] I… I just wanted to say thank you for today,
for being a real friend
and… and girlfriend and all of that.
It… It really means a lot to me.
Oh.
Jonathan, you are a great guy.
I hope you know that.
And no matter what happens in the future,
I… I hope you know that I really like you.
But we have to leave.
-Oh, now? -Yeah.
I can't stand being in this household a second longer.
Come on. Let's get you back to your real family.
[ominous music builds]
[snores]
[shatters]
[music fades]
[easy-listening music playing]