[mysterious music playing]
Agent Steel. So good to see you!
Becker, you old bastard.
Come in! Come in.
-Whiskey? -Eh… Y…
Yes, that is exactly what I want. Whiskey. Perfect.
[clears throat]
-Cheers! -Cheers!
[hoarsely] Good stuff. Real quenching.
It was good to hear from you.
-It must be what, 15 years? -Twenty.
What? Time flies. What are you up to this time?
Well, I'm on a mission. An off-the-books kind of mission.
So secret, I'm only one who knows about it.
Oh!
That is very secret. Come with me.
I've got some new toys for you to play with.
[goats bleating]
[mechanical whirring]
So I got your list.
I think I have everything you requested… and more.
Well, good. I didn't manage to bring any equipment,
so I'm really counting on you here, Becker.
First I have this for you.
Forget the old typewriter.
With this beauty, everything is powered with electricity.
Only 16 pounds, built-in speaker, adjustable volume.
Uh… Adjustable?
So you're not stuck on real loud or real low? Uh, good.
And you want to make a call without the hassle of finding a phone booth?
Well, watch carefully.
Practical. Also eliminates the need for pocket change.
Exactly. Pretty neat.
Now, do pay attention please.
Want to know what this little baby can do?
Takes photos. It's a camera.
Not bad, Steel. How about this pen?
-Seems regular to you. Right? -Sure does.
Would you say it looks like an everyday pen?
Yeah, pretty much, yeah.
-Laser! -Oh.
Ask me to point at something. Anything in here. Take your pick.
-Uh… The floor. -There! Look at it go!
Pretty neat, eh?
Yeah. Very, actually. Very neat.
Now, over to the fun stuff.
-[beeps] -[whirs]
Here's everything you'll ever need for your mission.
[clock ticking]
Pick and choose.
Ah, Becker, I was countin' on you here. I didn't bring anything on this mission.
I don't even have my iPhone. Jesus Christ, and that suit.
I'm going to look like Sherlock Holmes. How old are you now, Becker?
Fifteen, but I'll be 16 next month, and on my sweet 16,
I'm going to try and steal a kiss from Miss Adelaide Simpson.
Oh, if her mother doesn't object.
[frantic string music playing]
Finally, a cruise to look forward to.
Yeah, time to blow off some steam.
And by steam, I mean semen.
-Oh yeah? -Yeah.
I'm going to spray sperm into female passengers,
or into the condom that's inside the females.
-[Liza] Mm. -And touch breasts and fingerbang.
And maybe lick a little, you know?
It's going to be great. A real fornication festival, eh?
-It will, right? -Yeah, always is.
I got so much meat last year in such a short amount of time,
I had to triple the dose of Plan B pills.
Really fucked up my digestion.
The last couple of days last year,
my penis was all numb and swollen,
but I just kept going and going, never giving in.
Pushing it to the max.
Wow, that's so cool. So cool.
Okay, let's get to it.
Hey, hey, hey. Hold it, hold it, señorita. Are you on the right cruise?
Pretty sure I am.
No, no, no, no. That can't be right.
Why on earth would a beautiful girl like you be single? Come on.
Hold on, sir.
Are you on the right cruise?
Oui. I am.
No, that can't be right. Why on earth would a gorgeous guy like you be single?
Are you sure you're on the right cruise?
Enjoy your beverages, ladies!
Günther! There you are.
Hallo, Captain. Can I get you anything? I can recommend the Tequila Slammer.
Oh, uh… I would… No, thanks. I wondered if you had time
to set up a candlelight dinner for me tonight?
Oh, absolutely, sir. I will fix that, no worries.
Oh, yes! Great.
Uh… I want kind of a Lady and the Tramp vibe to it, if that rings a bell?
Mm, of course, I love that movie. Very romantic. Nice choice.
Oh, great. Yeah. [chuckles]
I was in love with, uh, Lady for quite a few years there.
Never understood what she saw in the Tramp.
Anyway, may I ask you a personal question, sir?
[Jonathan] Sure. Shoot.
[clears throat] Are you a man who likes humor?
Do you like to laugh, ha-ha-ha?
Oh, of course. I love to laugh, ha-ha-ha.
-Who doesn't? -Oh, great!
Because Hans actually has a very great stand-up routine
I've been meaning to tell you about.
He could perform it while you have your romantic dinner.
Oh…
Yeah, well, um… [tuts]
I think I just wanna make this a more intimate thing.
Oh, absolutely understood. Yes, of course.
[clears throat] Eh… Uh… But humor can actually, you know,
tie people closer together in a romantic way
because you release endorphins that… uh… relax you.
Yes, uh… for sure. I… Hmm.
You know, let… let… let's just try to find, uh, another night for that, okay?
[clears throat] Of course. You are the captain.
[chuckles] Yes.
Okay, thanks, Günther.
Captain? Captain? Eh, it's just that, well, you haven't heard his material,
so it's only natural that you are reluctant,
and I understand that 100%.
-Good! [chuckles] -[Günther] Um…
But you… But you know when you see a great movie,
and you tell people that they should go see it maybe,
and they're like, "Yeah, perhaps at a later time…"
Yes.
And when they do eventually see it, they are like,
"Oh, I wish I would have listened to the person recommending it
and seen it right away because it was a great movie that I thoroughly enjoyed."
This is a situation just like that.
-It's identical. -Okay.
But, um, can we just talk about this later? [chuckles]
I… I really wanna make this date perfect.
Sure. Yes, let's just circle back to that later and come up with a plan
for an event here in the restaurant or something.
Yeah, sure.
P… Perfect. Thank you so much, sir.
Ja!
[chatter]
Uh, this is the key to what we call the "fuckabin"
because we put the two words "fuck" and "cabin" together.
-It's like a joke. -Yeah, she gets it. Thanks, Nico.
-Wow, thank you. -And bring your beautiful friend as well.
We'll be there. [laughs]
Nico, you don't have to explain the joke. It takes the coolness out of it.
Just say "fuckabin" like it is the most natural word in the world.
-And say it with confidence. -Oh. Oh yeah, sure. Yeah. Totally.
Sorry. So… That makes total sense.
See you there, boys.
Make sure to drink some egg whites, eh? Hydrate beforehand. Bring your A-game.
Okay. Yes. Sure. Can't wait.
Uh, can I have everyone's attention please?
Hello. My name is Jonathan Fall, and I am the captain of this ship,
and I would like to welcome you all to the Singles Cruise!
-[cheering and applause] -Wh… What is that I'm feeling in the air?
Can you… Can you guys feel that?
What is that? It's so weird.
It's a romance! [chuckles]
It's romance… is in the air, what I'm feeling.
And, you know, it's not every day we get to watch Cupid in action,
so that sure is exciting.
But can I have Miss Liza Barell join me onstage, please?
-No, I… I… -Liza Barell?
-I would love to be on top of you. -[chuckles]
Liza? Oh, there you are, Liza.
-Lick you up and down. -[Jonathan] Liza?
-Wh… What? -[Jonathan] Come on up here, sweetheart.
[cheering and applause]
I am just so happy Miss Barell and I don't have to run around
trying to find a soulmate because we've already found ours.
[dance-pop music playing]
[wolf-whistles]
Good luck, singles! Have fun.
[chuckles] Thanks, guys.
Yep. Sorry, she's off the market. [chuckles] Taken.
So hands off. [chuckles]
Okay.
-Wow, Captain. That was so romantic. -Oh, thanks.
I'm just hoping that one day I will experience the intense love
you guys have going.
I'm so envious of you two.
Well, don't give up, my amigo.
That special someone is out there somewhere.
I sure hope so.
And Pedro, when you lose your virginity,
just make sure that it's with the right girl.
Wait until you find the one.
Thanks, amigo.
That's some good advice there. Definitely.
-I will make a note of that in my journal. -Great. [chuckles]
And Liza, uh, I have another surprise in store for you.
Okay?
Are you ready for an experience out of the ordinary?
I was. Very much. Yeah.
Oh, great. Come with me.
[softly] Guys? What the fuck?
[Nico whistles]
[smooth jazz playing]
-Captain, your beverage. -Oh, thanks, Günther.
Looks delicious.
[slurps] Mm! Ah. Ooh. That's great.
You know, nothin' beats that sparkling feeling
you get from a quality soda.
And this is real Cola.
So no cheap imitation Cola here. No, sir.
-[sighs] Good. -Mm. It is, right?
So I'm kind of on duty. I really have to get back to work.
Oh, well, one of the perks of dating the captain,
I can decide to give you a night off.
-And that I have done. -Oh.
Isn't it great to just get away from the meat market downstairs
and just cultivate each other instead?
I bet Pedro and them are… [chuckles] …pretty envious of us now.
[sighs] Yeah, I am sure they are.
Yeah, because, you know, when you think about it,
this is exactly what they're looking for.
You know? What we… have here. [chuckles softly]
[dance music playing]
[phone buzzes]
[Jonathan slurps] Mm!
Holy mama, that was a great can of Сola.
Even better than I expected. Hoo!
Mm-hmm.
Ooh. [chuckles]
-Miss Popular. [chuckles] -What?
Uh… N… Uh, no, it's just a work thing.
Oh, well, you know, you can forget all about work now
because I have made conversation cards,
so that we, in a natural way, can learn everything there is
to know about each other without it feeling forced.
Okay, I'm here.
All right. So what's your poison?
Uh… Weather? Prices of things, before and now?
Uh… Cat person or dog person?
Oh, here's a great one.
Soft drinks. [laughs]
[gulls squawking]
[tense music playing]
We meet again, my white whale.
Tonight, we dance.
[Liza sighs]
-Hey. -Hey. Good date?
No! That little cuntblocker blocked cunt all night and beyond, really.
-I'm a marked woman on this cruise, boys. -I'm sorry to hear.
Yeah, that sucks because yesterday was wild.
We were tapping asses for like five hours straight.
-What? -Yeah.
-[Liza sighs] -[Pedro] Mm-hmm.
Classic tag teaming with one of us going at it
while the other was hydrating and encouraging.
It was awesome,
but it was way more exhausting than I thought it would be, to be honest.
When you reach hour four and five, you're just running on fumes.
You're hitting that poontang on pure will.
-Are you going back at it tonight? -No, no, no.
Not a chance. Too sore.
Ah, me too. All swollen.
-[Liza] Ugh. -Ah. [inhales sharply]
My dick skin has these crazy burns.
It couldn't handle all those hours of friction.
Greetings, Al Jamain.
Hello. Habibti Liza, my beautiful.
I wanted to make sure everything is in place for the delivery.
Yes, sir. Have we ever let you down?
No. I can thank you for so many of my wives.
I know.
Okay, I have looked at all the photos.
They are all so beautiful.
It's going to be very hard to make a choice.
Just follow your heart
or sense of aesthetics.
There's no right or wrong when it comes to collecting a harem.
Ah, Liza, are you sure I can't tempt you to join my harem?
You'd be one of my top-ten wives, definitely.
Sorry, Al Jamain. It's… It is very tempting, but, um…
you know, my heart is in human trafficking, so…
[laughs] Very well.
I will see you tonight with a broken heart.
[dramatic music playing]
[water gurgles]
[camera clicks, whirs]
[camera clicking, whirring]
[blows]
[sighs] So time-consuming.
[keypad beeps]
I don't even understand why you would think
it is okay to fart in a little room that is being used by multiple people.
I am sorry, but there isn't a fart fan in there.
[Liza] There is no such thing as a fart fan, Günther.
Leave the room and fart like a normal person.
Ja, I am actually on Liza's side on this one.
I can only apologize, but I know it doesn't make things right.
I let you down, but more importantly,
I let myself down.
[beeps]
[sniffs]
[Steel] Bingo.
The head of the snake.
It is my great honor to welcome you
to the Caribbean Queen's mandatory foam party!
[dance music playing]
Have fun in the foam! I know I will.
[cheering]
[music stops]
Her, her, her,
and… her.
[ominous music playing]
[Al Jamain] Ah, Liza!
Mwah, mwah!
This is so exciting.
I… I can't believe that my future wife is lying among them.
Feel my heart. It's racing with love! [laughs]
Yes, I can tell you're all giddy. So these are your top five.
Huh.
Uh, the devil is in the details.
Beautiful teeth.
Probably wore braces.
-A few fillings. -You can never be too anal.
Liza, I don't want them too skinny, huh?
Wow. Ah.
This one is a keeper, huh? Look at those hips. [chuckles]
She will give me many sons. Hmm.
Yeah, this is the one. [chuckles]
I never believed in love at first sight, but, uh…
[tearfully] I have found my wife!
-[cheering, ululating] -[gunshots]
[Nico] Woman overboard.
Another tragic suicide on the Singles Cruise.
Classic story of unbearable heartbreak. Happens every year.
[laughing]
You say that because it's not true, huh? [chuckles]
You sell women to me and let the families think
they have committed suicide or ran away, and they are devastated.
[chortles]
[chuckles] Yeah, yeah. That was the intent of the joke,
but when you say it like that, it doesn't sound that funny.
I'm still laughing. [laughs]
[camera clicks, whirs]
[whirring continues]
[tense music playing]
[music fades]
Shark. Shark! This is Iron. Can you hear me?
-[at high volume] This is Becker! -[radio beeps]
[quieter] What can I do for you, Agent Steel from the Special Unit?
Sh!
[softly] I'm Iron. We're using code names.
-Roger that, Agent Steel! -Iron!
[softly] Iron. Iron. Listen to me. I am playing with fire here,
and I might not make it out alive.
Got it, Agent Steel… Iron… Steel.
What? What? If anything should happen to me,
I want you to know that this sneaky Goody Two-shoes is running this.
His name is Captain Fall. Take that down.
It's okay. I'll memorize it.
No! No. No.
Write it down, for the love of God.
-Captain Fall. -No, no, no. I don't have to.
That name is easy to remember, you see?
Just grab a pen and paper real quick. Real quick!
Just write it down. Captain Fall. Please.
No, no, no, no.
You can lose a piece of paper just like that.
-I'll put that in my vault. -No vault.
My head is my hard disk.
No, please! This is just too important. Captain Fall.
He needs to go behind bars. Are you writing this down?
[Becker] Is that you, Miss Adelaide Simpson?
-Mm! -[Steel] What the Jesus Christ?
Becker, it's Agent Steel.
-I love what you've done to your hair. -Hello? Shark?
-Have you lost weight, you little minx? -Becker?
You know, if it wasn't for social media and Tinder and all that,
I wouldn't have to go through all this hassle.
-No? -Ah…
Dating is like a full-time job these days.
I just don't have that time to swipe and slide into DMs and all that.
Mm. I see your point.
Well, your new wife is sound asleep right now,
but should wake up in an hour or so. Enjoy!
Oh, and Liza, extend my gratitude to Captain Fall, huh? Shukran, habibti.
[whirring]
[sighs] Hmm.
-She might end up really happy, you know. -Yeah, absolutely.
Sparks could go flying when she wakes up in that submarine with him, and… you know,
they could get a connection or something,
and that can evolve into true love.
I would say probably. Yeah.
Well, I'll just head down with the diamonds.
You guys get this party started again.
[dance music playing]
[groaning softly]
[whooping, cheering]
I'm gonna take a little breather. This foam is making me dizzy.
What?
I said I'm going to take a breather. This foam is making me dizzy.
You just keep doing your music thing. This is great!
What?
[thunder rumbles]
[Jonathan] Hey, hey, hey. What the hemp?
Don't dive at night, sir. That's not safe.
Oh, there you are, Captain Fall.
[Jonathan] Well, yes.
Rarely have I encountered such pure evil.
I must admit, I do respect such a formidable and cunning adversary,
but it's game over for you. See you in court, Captain.
What? Are you going to sue me
because you couldn't find that special someone on this cruise?
What the hell are you talking about?
I've enough evidence here to put you away for life.
To… To jail? W… Why would you do that?
Don't play coy with me. You run this whole damn operation,
and I've seen the horrible things going down in your hull.
How can you live with yourself, Fall?
[beeping]
We have a Code Red. I repeat, Code Red.
There's an intruder on board. Aft on third deck.
I repeat, aft on third deck.
Okay, I am not really with you here, sir.
I'm just a faithful captain transporting people from A to B
while trying to give them the best time of their lives.
[mockingly] "I'm just a faithful captain." No, you're not!
You are a horrible person, you do horrible things,
and you deserve everything that's comin' to you.
Wow, that is crazy talk.
I have never hurt anyone. Not even emotionally.
You're doomed, Captain Fall, and I will personally see to that.
I am? Seriously?
-[thunder crashes] -But I don't even know who you are.
Who I am? Well,
I'm Agent Steel,
and I am your worst nightmare.
[thunder crashes]
You are?
[suspenseful music builds]
[music fades]
[elevator music playing]