1
00:00:04,396 --> 00:00:06,605
Governor Cuomo
ordering barbershops,

2
00:00:06,688 --> 00:00:08,730
bowling alleys, and hundreds
of other businesses

3
00:00:08,813 --> 00:00:11,939
across the state
to close by Saturday night.

4
00:00:32,939 --> 00:00:35,605
I love stand-up
and I love stand-ups.

5
00:00:35,688 --> 00:00:38,438
And this COVID
shut us down good.

6
00:00:38,521 --> 00:00:40,605
You thought you got rid of us,
didn't you?

7
00:00:40,688 --> 00:00:42,230
Well, surprise!

8
00:00:42,313 --> 00:00:43,605
I went to HBO Max

9
00:00:43,688 --> 00:00:45,271
'cause I wanted to do a thing
about comedians

10
00:00:45,355 --> 00:00:49,021
based around a live show
and all the preshow stuff,

11
00:00:49,104 --> 00:00:51,313
because people never get to see
the inside world

12
00:00:51,396 --> 00:00:53,313
of the process of comedians,

13
00:00:53,396 --> 00:00:55,980
unless they've listened to any
podcasts in the last 10 years.

14
00:00:56,063 --> 00:00:59,188
My dad and his friends probably
threw bodies off these rocks.

15
00:00:59,271 --> 00:01:00,939
Hold on.
There's waves crashing.

16
00:01:01,021 --> 00:01:02,313
It's throwing me off.

17
00:01:02,396 --> 00:01:04,521
My friend Rich Vos
is my choice to host.

18
00:01:04,605 --> 00:01:05,980
It was a no-brainer.

19
00:01:06,063 --> 00:01:07,688
And so is he, coincidentally.

20
00:01:07,772 --> 00:01:09,313
Before you go on,
you feel like shit.

21
00:01:09,396 --> 00:01:11,480
Afterwards, you're high
for like a half hour.

22
00:01:11,563 --> 00:01:14,146
I'm gonna get the first
parking lot standing 0.

23
00:01:14,230 --> 00:01:15,688
What are you gonna do,
tell 'em you had a stroke?

24
00:01:15,772 --> 00:01:17,855
They gonna get out the car
and stand.

25
00:01:17,939 --> 00:01:19,605
And I know
there's bigger problems

26
00:01:19,688 --> 00:01:21,647
than a bunch of comedians
can't perform,

27
00:01:21,730 --> 00:01:22,855
but so what?

28
00:01:22,939 --> 00:01:24,438
You aren't an essential worker,
either,

29
00:01:24,521 --> 00:01:26,521
- so shut it.
- No more shows.

30
00:01:26,605 --> 00:01:28,104
- You're like, "Fuck!"
- Yeah.

31
00:01:28,188 --> 00:01:29,855
Same with me. Same
with you and same with you.

32
00:01:29,939 --> 00:01:31,605
And we need
to talk to strangers

33
00:01:31,688 --> 00:01:33,271
just like you need to breathe.

34
00:01:33,355 --> 00:01:36,396
Even this voiceover I'm doing
right now is giving me pleasure.

35
00:01:36,480 --> 00:01:38,772
It's a sickness, I know,
but that's the way it is.

36
00:01:38,855 --> 00:01:40,897
Hey, am I going long?
That's the other comedian move.

37
00:01:40,980 --> 00:01:42,146
You're so used to working, like,

38
00:01:42,230 --> 00:01:43,521
if I take a week off,
I get rusty.

39
00:01:43,605 --> 00:01:45,104
I don't know why
I said yes to this,

40
00:01:45,188 --> 00:01:47,313
'cause I've been
doing good in life.

41
00:01:56,355 --> 00:01:58,230
Since March, it's like
I don't even know

42
00:01:58,313 --> 00:02:00,605
what I can say at all anymore.

43
00:02:00,688 --> 00:02:03,897
Tonight, we're gonna have
nine comedians

44
00:02:03,980 --> 00:02:06,563
and one host
performing for 40 cars.

45
00:02:06,647 --> 00:02:07,855
Now, the host...

46
00:02:20,313 --> 00:02:22,271
Is it gonna be safe?
Yes.

47
00:02:22,355 --> 00:02:23,772
Can I ask
one serious question?

48
00:02:23,855 --> 00:02:25,605
I know you're a doctor,
corona's very serious.

49
00:02:25,688 --> 00:02:27,146
Out of all of us
right now,

50
00:02:27,230 --> 00:02:28,939
who would you most hope
gets it?

51
00:02:29,021 --> 00:02:30,438
Is it gonna be good?

52
00:02:30,521 --> 00:02:32,104
Depends on
your definition of good.

53
00:02:32,188 --> 00:02:34,438
Is the name of the special
"Colin Quinn: Abusive Friend"?

54
00:02:34,521 --> 00:02:37,939
Did you pitch a prank show
to HBO Max, or...?

55
00:02:47,605 --> 00:02:49,438
So you want some highs
and some lows.

56
00:02:49,521 --> 00:02:51,605
Can you see them well enough
to make eye contact

57
00:02:51,688 --> 00:02:54,396
with them and stuff?

58
00:02:54,480 --> 00:02:56,939
Oh, okay, so they'll be,
like, smiling and...

59
00:02:57,021 --> 00:02:58,313
Hello.

60
00:02:58,396 --> 00:02:59,647
I want to get
iced coffee.

61
00:02:59,730 --> 00:03:00,939
I'd take a coffee.
No iced coffee?

62
00:03:01,021 --> 00:03:02,313
What? Come on.
The fuck is this?

63
00:03:02,396 --> 00:03:04,104
I'm directing.
I don't have time for that.

64
00:03:04,188 --> 00:03:05,355
Say "directing" one more time.

65
00:03:05,438 --> 00:03:06,688
Say it one more time.

66
00:03:06,772 --> 00:03:08,063
You don't mind
my directing debut?

67
00:03:08,146 --> 00:03:09,605
Well, you keep saying
"directing."

68
00:03:09,688 --> 00:03:11,480
You do say it like you're trying
to convince yourself.

69
00:03:12,730 --> 00:03:15,104
"I am a director,
I am!"

70
00:03:15,188 --> 00:03:17,146
When you see this special,
you're gonna say, "Oh, my God."

71
00:03:17,230 --> 00:03:19,271
Earlier today, he was
doing the turnaround in the mirror.

72
00:03:19,355 --> 00:03:21,271
He goes, "Hi. Director.
Colin... Fuck!"

73
00:03:21,355 --> 00:03:22,688
Let me
ask you guys this...

74
00:03:22,772 --> 00:03:25,355
When's the last time
everybody was onstage

75
00:03:25,438 --> 00:03:26,897
on a regular basis?

76
00:03:26,980 --> 00:03:27,939
Since March.

77
00:03:28,021 --> 00:03:29,355
- March.
- March.

78
00:03:29,438 --> 00:03:30,980
We've been going up
sporadically.

79
00:03:31,063 --> 00:03:33,563
But, you know, we've been
performing on patios.

80
00:03:35,146 --> 00:03:37,813
You've never done a show
with all these cars, right?

81
00:03:37,897 --> 00:03:39,563
- Right.
- Not really. No.

82
00:03:39,647 --> 00:03:41,647
I'm just wondering
how it's gonna work.

83
00:03:41,730 --> 00:03:44,021
Oh, yeah, Vos, we got to talk
about the instructions.

84
00:03:44,104 --> 00:03:45,813
So, when you come out,

85
00:03:45,897 --> 00:03:47,730
the guy's gonna
change the microphone.

86
00:03:47,813 --> 00:03:49,313
He might be changing it

87
00:03:49,396 --> 00:03:50,980
while you're onstage
between the acts.

88
00:03:51,063 --> 00:03:53,063
What the fuck
are you talking about?

89
00:03:53,146 --> 00:03:54,563
The guy's gonna be onstage
with the...

90
00:03:54,647 --> 00:03:56,647
Not as I'm...
As I'm talking?!

91
00:03:56,730 --> 00:03:58,813
Safety first, they say,
with this COVID.

92
00:03:58,897 --> 00:04:00,271
Thank you for cleaning this off.

93
00:04:00,355 --> 00:04:01,980
Listen,
you're a big name.

94
00:04:02,063 --> 00:04:03,813
And after this,
believe me,

95
00:04:03,897 --> 00:04:05,980
you're gonna be able
to do rooftops,

96
00:04:06,063 --> 00:04:08,980
you're gonna be able to do
fucking driveways.

97
00:04:09,063 --> 00:04:11,396
Do you know how many...
Parking garages.

98
00:04:11,480 --> 00:04:13,188
It's not gonna end
for you.

99
00:04:13,271 --> 00:04:15,021
We got a big tree house show
coming up.

100
00:04:15,104 --> 00:04:16,438
Yes.

101
00:04:16,521 --> 00:04:18,521
You guys been
to a drive-in before?

102
00:04:18,605 --> 00:04:21,396
I haven't. I have, years
and years and years ago,

103
00:04:21,480 --> 00:04:23,021
but definitely not
a comedy show.

104
00:04:23,104 --> 00:04:25,104
Let me ask you guys this...
Who do you think...

105
00:04:25,188 --> 00:04:26,772
'Cause somebody's gonna
bomb tonight.

106
00:04:26,855 --> 00:04:28,813
Could be a lot of us,
with these cars.

107
00:04:28,897 --> 00:04:31,063
- Let's bet 20 apiece.
- Yeah.

108
00:04:31,146 --> 00:04:33,271
Alright.
Who's gonna bomb?

109
00:04:33,355 --> 00:04:35,730
- Rich Vos. Out of the gate.
- Oh, Vos?

110
00:04:35,813 --> 00:04:38,396
Vos off the jump's a good bet. Yeah.

111
00:04:38,480 --> 00:04:40,021
Now,
most of the money

112
00:04:40,104 --> 00:04:41,897
was on Rich Vos bombing,
I'm sorry to say.

113
00:04:41,980 --> 00:04:43,688
- Why me?!
- I only bet on you bombing

114
00:04:43,772 --> 00:04:45,480
'cause you hosting,
so you first.

115
00:04:45,563 --> 00:04:46,605
What?! I...

116
00:04:46,688 --> 00:04:48,146
- I bet on him...
- 'Cause he stinks.

117
00:04:48,230 --> 00:04:49,521
I'll ruin the show!

118
00:04:49,605 --> 00:04:51,063
Vos is gonna bomb!

119
00:04:51,146 --> 00:04:54,563
Vos is gonna bomb!
Vos is gonna bomb!

120
00:04:54,647 --> 00:04:56,271
Vos is gonna bomb!

121
00:05:01,647 --> 00:05:04,855
Please welcome
our host for the evening.

122
00:05:04,939 --> 00:05:06,480
We're lucky to have him...

123
00:05:06,563 --> 00:05:08,563
Rich Vos!

124
00:05:08,647 --> 00:05:12,897
Welcome to Colin Quinn's
last hurrah.

125
00:05:12,980 --> 00:05:16,980
It's good to be here.
Look at all these nice cars.

126
00:05:17,063 --> 00:05:18,688
Where you cars from,
Detroit?

127
00:05:20,230 --> 00:05:21,855
Detroit?

128
00:05:21,939 --> 00:05:24,772
Oh, listen,
listen, listen.

129
00:05:24,855 --> 00:05:27,813
Oh, he's used to this
scatter of applause.

130
00:05:27,897 --> 00:05:29,355
Uh, here's the thing.

131
00:05:29,438 --> 00:05:31,897
You ever love something
so much in life,

132
00:05:31,980 --> 00:05:33,772
something that you think
about all day,

133
00:05:33,855 --> 00:05:36,730
something you obsess about,
you dream about,

134
00:05:36,813 --> 00:05:38,647
you talk about it with friends?

135
00:05:38,730 --> 00:05:41,939
It pretty much defines
who you are.

136
00:05:42,021 --> 00:05:44,521
And it could be anything...
Something so dear

137
00:05:44,605 --> 00:05:46,271
and close to your heart.

138
00:05:46,355 --> 00:05:49,396
And then you come
to the realization, I'm too old,

139
00:05:49,480 --> 00:05:53,897
I can't physically
or mentally do this anymore.

140
00:05:53,980 --> 00:05:55,480
That's the feeling I got

141
00:05:55,563 --> 00:05:57,355
as I was walking up here
tonight.

142
00:05:57,438 --> 00:06:00,271
His voice annoys me
so much.

143
00:06:01,688 --> 00:06:03,230
I do realize
you couldn't have asked me

144
00:06:03,313 --> 00:06:05,772
without asking him, so...

145
00:06:05,855 --> 00:06:09,855
I know that I come
with a lot of baggage.

146
00:06:09,939 --> 00:06:11,855
This is how old I am.

147
00:06:11,939 --> 00:06:13,772
Hold on.
There's waves crashing.

148
00:06:13,855 --> 00:06:15,897
It's throwing me off.

149
00:06:16,021 --> 00:06:17,438
This is how old I am.

150
00:06:17,521 --> 00:06:19,605
He just said...

151
00:06:19,688 --> 00:06:22,313
He just went, "Hold on.
Those waves crashing."

152
00:06:22,396 --> 00:06:25,021
There's real waves.

153
00:06:25,104 --> 00:06:27,104
We got waves fucking up
our timing.

154
00:06:27,188 --> 00:06:29,063
Can you turn
your car down, please?

155
00:06:29,146 --> 00:06:32,146
It's throwing everybody off.

156
00:06:32,230 --> 00:06:33,772
Any married folks here?

157
00:06:33,855 --> 00:06:35,980
Good.

158
00:06:36,063 --> 00:06:37,688
Oh, thank you for clapping
out the window.

159
00:06:37,772 --> 00:06:39,647
And listen, if anybody
gets out of hand,

160
00:06:39,730 --> 00:06:41,855
we do have a security team here.

161
00:06:41,939 --> 00:06:43,855
Well, we have tow trucks.

162
00:06:46,230 --> 00:06:50,146
This is the best I've ever done
in front of cars.

163
00:06:50,230 --> 00:06:52,188
And that's all I do,
our car shows.

164
00:06:52,271 --> 00:06:55,313
Next week, I'm doing, uh,
my cousin's driveway.

165
00:06:55,396 --> 00:06:58,230
Anyhow, I'll be your host.

166
00:06:58,313 --> 00:07:00,772
Are you guys ready
to get started?

167
00:07:00,855 --> 00:07:03,021
Alright.

168
00:07:03,104 --> 00:07:06,396
It's my pleasure
to bring up our next act.

169
00:07:06,480 --> 00:07:09,438
Man is all over TV, YouTube.

170
00:07:09,521 --> 00:07:10,480
You're gonna love him.

171
00:07:10,563 --> 00:07:13,230
A big hand for Chris Distefano.

172
00:07:23,271 --> 00:07:25,230
Give it up
for Rich Vos, everybody.

173
00:07:25,313 --> 00:07:27,438
He almost fell down the stairs.

174
00:07:27,521 --> 00:07:30,521
COVID toes.
What can you do?

175
00:07:30,605 --> 00:07:32,605
Listen, it's what it is
right now, right?

176
00:07:32,688 --> 00:07:34,772
Look, the waves.
It's what it is.

177
00:07:34,855 --> 00:07:37,021
I mean, for the cars.
I've been onstage

178
00:07:37,104 --> 00:07:40,772
three times in six months
because of this, God damn it.

179
00:07:40,855 --> 00:07:42,855
I mean, the Chinese
are gonna pay.

180
00:07:42,939 --> 00:07:44,396
They're gonna pay big for this.

181
00:07:44,480 --> 00:07:46,021
Okay, some people are upset.
I'm kidding.

182
00:07:46,104 --> 00:07:48,688
Just, I'm fucking kidding.
That's the thing now.

183
00:07:48,772 --> 00:07:50,271
Now, since March,

184
00:07:50,355 --> 00:07:53,271
it's like I don't even know
what I can say at all anymore.

185
00:07:53,355 --> 00:07:55,730
You're just gonna
get destroyed no matter what.

186
00:07:55,813 --> 00:07:58,396
I don't know why
comedy's even gonna exist.

187
00:07:58,480 --> 00:08:00,104
But it has highlighted,
though...

188
00:08:00,188 --> 00:08:02,146
What I do like about this
pandemic... it's highlighted

189
00:08:02,230 --> 00:08:05,980
that we really didn't have
any real problems in 2019.

190
00:08:06,063 --> 00:08:07,396
We were making shit up.

191
00:08:07,480 --> 00:08:09,980
Because now things
have actually hit the fan

192
00:08:10,063 --> 00:08:13,230
and now people are dying
and the streets are on fire.

193
00:08:13,313 --> 00:08:15,855
And now, you know,
fucking what straw you use

194
00:08:15,939 --> 00:08:18,438
isn't such a big deal
anymore, is it?

195
00:08:18,521 --> 00:08:21,021
That was all the... that was
the big thing last year.

196
00:08:21,104 --> 00:08:23,939
This straw is plastic or paper!

197
00:08:24,021 --> 00:08:26,605
Shut the fuck up.
We got real issues now.

198
00:08:28,438 --> 00:08:30,521
But now, every time I walk outside,
if there's more than five people,

199
00:08:30,605 --> 00:08:32,396
I just think I'm in a protest.
I don't know.

200
00:08:32,480 --> 00:08:34,355
I'm just, I'm like,
"Whatever we're marching for,

201
00:08:34,438 --> 00:08:35,772
I just don't want
to get beat up.

202
00:08:35,855 --> 00:08:37,438
Please just don't put this
on the news.

203
00:08:37,521 --> 00:08:39,647
I'm going to get oat milk 'cause
my kid's lactose intolerant."

204
00:08:39,730 --> 00:08:41,772
So, just do it.

205
00:08:41,855 --> 00:08:43,521
One lady laughing.

206
00:08:43,605 --> 00:08:45,521
What can you do?
Some people are asleep.

207
00:08:45,605 --> 00:08:46,772
I mean, you know.

208
00:08:46,855 --> 00:08:48,605
This car has a car seat,
you piece of shit.

209
00:08:48,688 --> 00:08:49,855
Where's your kid?

210
00:08:49,939 --> 00:08:51,480
Fucking scumbags.

211
00:08:51,563 --> 00:08:55,021
If I'm young, spry, and athletic
and I got my hand in my pocket,

212
00:08:55,104 --> 00:08:57,104
that's a bad sign.
Nobody's performed

213
00:08:57,188 --> 00:08:58,939
for a long time,
and everybody's nervous

214
00:08:59,021 --> 00:09:00,438
because we're rusty.

215
00:09:00,521 --> 00:09:02,063
Nervous,
but never scared.

216
00:09:02,146 --> 00:09:04,480
Okay,
I want to place a new bet.

217
00:09:04,563 --> 00:09:06,355
We are all bombing.

218
00:09:06,438 --> 00:09:08,063
You have to have
that part of you

219
00:09:08,146 --> 00:09:09,813
that when the audience
doesn't like you,

220
00:09:09,897 --> 00:09:11,313
you can't take it personally,

221
00:09:11,396 --> 00:09:13,772
even though it's the most
personal thing in the world.

222
00:09:13,855 --> 00:09:15,980
When I do bad,
I walk offstage

223
00:09:16,063 --> 00:09:17,772
with the same energy
as a baseball player

224
00:09:17,855 --> 00:09:20,605
when he strikes out... like you
can't believe it happened

225
00:09:20,688 --> 00:09:21,813
and you want to throw the bat.

226
00:09:21,897 --> 00:09:23,146
We can't tell
how we're doing.

227
00:09:23,230 --> 00:09:25,021
Nobody can really tell
with the cars.

228
00:09:25,104 --> 00:09:27,647
- I'm hearing laughs.
- I'm hearing laughs, too.

229
00:09:27,730 --> 00:09:29,230
Not when Vos was on,
but...

230
00:09:29,313 --> 00:09:31,647
No, but, well, you know,
you didn't expect that anyway.

231
00:09:34,897 --> 00:09:37,146
My father's from Brooklyn,
right over here.

232
00:09:37,230 --> 00:09:38,855
I love how this is, like,
where there's, like,

233
00:09:38,939 --> 00:09:40,313
a fucking trendy
comedy show now.

234
00:09:40,396 --> 00:09:41,521
My dad and his friends

235
00:09:41,605 --> 00:09:43,605
probably threw bodies
off these rocks.

236
00:09:43,688 --> 00:09:46,605
And now you're like, "Yeah,
this is a COVID-free zone.

237
00:09:46,688 --> 00:09:48,855
We're taking temperatures.
We're fucking woke."

238
00:09:48,939 --> 00:09:50,480
It's like there's...
I guarantee you,

239
00:09:50,563 --> 00:09:55,021
there's bones of fucking rats
right in that water.

240
00:09:55,104 --> 00:09:56,813
My dad's got antibodies,
he told me.

241
00:09:56,897 --> 00:09:59,355
Not himself... he said
he's selling them for $750.

242
00:09:59,438 --> 00:10:00,855
He's got a sheet.
I swear to God.

243
00:10:00,939 --> 00:10:02,438
He's like, "Yeah, Chris,
I got the antibodies.

244
00:10:02,521 --> 00:10:04,188
You need it for this
little HBO thing you're doing?"

245
00:10:04,271 --> 00:10:06,897
"If you need antibodies,
call me."

246
00:10:06,980 --> 00:10:09,230
Bobby Bodies.

247
00:10:09,313 --> 00:10:11,021
$750.
You're fucking nice.

248
00:10:11,104 --> 00:10:13,188
You're trying to laugh,
but you don't want to cough.

249
00:10:13,271 --> 00:10:14,980
That's what it is.
'Cause if you cough,

250
00:10:15,063 --> 00:10:18,021
you know a frickin' sniper will
come and shoot you in the head.

251
00:10:18,104 --> 00:10:19,688
You can't cough.

252
00:10:19,772 --> 00:10:21,438
You can't be sick.

253
00:10:21,521 --> 00:10:22,897
And you can't say...
I mean, forget it.

254
00:10:22,980 --> 00:10:24,939
I'm telling you,
I don't know why...

255
00:10:25,021 --> 00:10:29,355
I don't know why anybody
would want to do comedy anymore.

256
00:10:29,438 --> 00:10:32,063
It just feels like
now that's over.

257
00:10:34,021 --> 00:10:35,772
Really? What can you do?

258
00:10:35,855 --> 00:10:38,104
I hear one lady laughing.
Good for me.

259
00:10:38,188 --> 00:10:39,355
Alright. Have a nice night.

260
00:10:39,438 --> 00:10:40,813
Thank you very much.
Enjoy yourselves.

261
00:10:40,897 --> 00:10:42,605
Give up for Rich Vos,
everybody, huh?

262
00:10:42,688 --> 00:10:45,396
Rich Vos.

263
00:10:45,480 --> 00:10:47,230
Chris Distefano!

264
00:10:48,813 --> 00:10:52,146
Flash your lights.
Come alive. Come on.

265
00:10:52,230 --> 00:10:54,021
There you go.
That's what we want to see.

266
00:10:54,104 --> 00:10:55,813
Get
these fucking lights flashing.

267
00:10:55,897 --> 00:10:57,897
What the fuck? You know you're in trouble

268
00:10:57,980 --> 00:11:00,688
when Vos is giving
a pep talk to the crowd.

269
00:11:00,772 --> 00:11:03,730
- So, Chris...
- Ugh. Oh, brutal. Bomb.

270
00:11:03,813 --> 00:11:07,063
We're doing a big thing
at the end, everybody.

271
00:11:07,146 --> 00:11:08,396
Yeah, I fucking ate it.

272
00:11:08,480 --> 00:11:09,730
Well, we know.
We were watching.

273
00:11:09,813 --> 00:11:11,188
Flashing lights.
Let's wake up.

274
00:11:11,271 --> 00:11:12,688
Let's get this
fucking thing moving.

275
00:11:12,772 --> 00:11:16,438
This is Colin Quinn.
This is a parking lot.

276
00:11:18,188 --> 00:11:20,647
This is exactly where
I thought it would end.

277
00:11:22,897 --> 00:11:25,772
Thank you!
Thanks for coming out.

278
00:11:25,855 --> 00:11:26,980
This is, um...

279
00:11:27,063 --> 00:11:28,355
This is interesting.

280
00:11:28,438 --> 00:11:30,271
That's all I'm gonna say.

281
00:11:30,355 --> 00:11:32,980
I'm a mask wearer.
I'm one of those people.

282
00:11:33,063 --> 00:11:36,188
I yell at people
for not wearing masks, okay?

283
00:11:36,271 --> 00:11:37,939
I am that person.

284
00:11:38,021 --> 00:11:40,730
And I had a guy
get upset with me.

285
00:11:40,813 --> 00:11:42,772
Well, he was like,
"I can't hear you.

286
00:11:42,855 --> 00:11:44,438
You need to take off your mask."

287
00:11:44,521 --> 00:11:46,230
You know,
it was really annoying.

288
00:11:46,313 --> 00:11:48,939
It wasn't that he couldn't
hear me through the mask.

289
00:11:49,021 --> 00:11:51,104
It was because
he doesn't hear women.

290
00:11:52,813 --> 00:11:54,772
Thank you, two ladies.

291
00:11:54,855 --> 00:11:56,813
And I heard a...
Thank you. One.

292
00:11:56,897 --> 00:11:58,688
Thank you. Okay, alright.

293
00:11:58,772 --> 00:11:59,855
Good enough!

294
00:11:59,939 --> 00:12:02,230
Good enough for that
new joke, huh?

295
00:12:02,313 --> 00:12:04,355
But yeah, mask wearing
is important.

296
00:12:04,438 --> 00:12:06,146
Like, I thought we were all
on the same page.

297
00:12:06,230 --> 00:12:09,855
I live in Harlem and I
walked outside my door

298
00:12:09,939 --> 00:12:12,438
and it was a, you know,
a sister.

299
00:12:12,521 --> 00:12:15,188
Well, she was from England
or... or New Zealand.

300
00:12:15,271 --> 00:12:17,605
One of those.
One of those places.

301
00:12:17,688 --> 00:12:20,313
And I was like, "Oh, excuse me,
you're not wearing a mask."

302
00:12:20,396 --> 00:12:21,688
Excuse me."
And she was like,

303
00:12:21,772 --> 00:12:25,772
"You do what you need
to do for yourself."

304
00:12:25,855 --> 00:12:27,480
I mean, I know that's not
the accent,

305
00:12:27,563 --> 00:12:30,021
but she was a bitch,
so who cares?

306
00:12:30,104 --> 00:12:32,855
Right? Who cares, really?
So I just...

307
00:12:32,939 --> 00:12:35,021
And I am a bit of a Karen,
by the way.

308
00:12:35,104 --> 00:12:37,939
I know you didn't know this,
but Karen has no color.

309
00:12:38,021 --> 00:12:40,939
White women
don't own complaining.

310
00:12:41,021 --> 00:12:43,438
Okay? I complain a lot.

311
00:12:44,939 --> 00:12:47,647
So, um, I'm trying
to remember my act, too.

312
00:12:47,730 --> 00:12:50,355
Colin wanted us to do new jokes,
which is really

313
00:12:50,438 --> 00:12:52,897
kind of an asshole thing to do

314
00:12:52,980 --> 00:12:54,146
at this time, during...

315
00:12:54,230 --> 00:12:55,563
Thank you for that flash.

316
00:12:55,647 --> 00:12:57,188
...during a pandemic, you know.

317
00:12:57,271 --> 00:12:58,855
'Cause I've been smoking
so much pot, like,

318
00:12:58,939 --> 00:13:00,521
it's Vietnam,
you know what I'm saying?

319
00:13:00,605 --> 00:13:03,730
So I can't remember my shit.

320
00:13:03,813 --> 00:13:05,939
But I believe in
wearing a mask also

321
00:13:06,021 --> 00:13:08,855
because I have
a preexisting condition, okay?

322
00:13:08,939 --> 00:13:11,396
And by the way, I look at some
people who don't think

323
00:13:11,480 --> 00:13:13,271
they have a pre...
I'm like, "Motherfucker,

324
00:13:13,355 --> 00:13:15,271
you have a preexisting
condition, okay?

325
00:13:15,355 --> 00:13:17,772
You may not know it,
but you do."

326
00:13:17,855 --> 00:13:20,063
So, last year,
I was actually diagnosed

327
00:13:20,146 --> 00:13:21,897
with breast cancer,
but I'm surviving.

328
00:13:21,980 --> 00:13:24,730
You can flash your lights for that,
okay.

329
00:13:24,813 --> 00:13:26,313
I'm surviving. Yes, I am.

330
00:13:26,396 --> 00:13:28,772
She just did five minutes.
Oh, boy.

331
00:13:28,855 --> 00:13:30,563
People are fucking jumping
off this stage.

332
00:13:30,647 --> 00:13:33,396
- Whoo!
- People are running offstage.

333
00:13:33,480 --> 00:13:36,396
Thank you. And you got to really
advocate for yourself.

334
00:13:36,480 --> 00:13:39,230
It's really important.
I have a great doctor now.

335
00:13:39,313 --> 00:13:41,438
He's gay, which they
told me ahead of time.

336
00:13:41,521 --> 00:13:42,813
I don't know why.

337
00:13:42,897 --> 00:13:44,605
I apologize.
We jumped the gun.

338
00:13:44,688 --> 00:13:46,688
We have no faith in Marina.
That was an applause break.

339
00:13:46,772 --> 00:13:49,480
Ohh! She got a little applause
break in the cars, the lights went...

340
00:13:49,563 --> 00:13:51,939
We just have no faith in the show...
we thought she was exiting the stage.

341
00:13:52,021 --> 00:13:53,521
No, no.
She told them to do that.

342
00:13:53,605 --> 00:13:54,688
- Oh!
- I was listening.

343
00:13:54,772 --> 00:13:55,855
Why do you got
to cockblock it?

344
00:13:55,939 --> 00:13:57,021
Damn, that's fucked up.

345
00:13:57,104 --> 00:13:58,271
That was some bitch ass shit.

346
00:13:58,355 --> 00:14:00,396
Because I wish
I would've did it.

347
00:14:00,480 --> 00:14:02,605
That's bitterness,
where he's like, "No, no, no.

348
00:14:02,688 --> 00:14:04,271
That's not real laughter.
She actually paid them."

349
00:14:04,355 --> 00:14:05,772
It was the right thing
to do, though.

350
00:14:05,855 --> 00:14:07,355
- Fuck her.
- It was...

351
00:14:08,396 --> 00:14:12,438
And I'm like, "Yas, bitch. Yas!"

352
00:14:12,521 --> 00:14:15,647
I don't know why,
when in front of a gay man,

353
00:14:15,730 --> 00:14:18,605
I become a gay man.

354
00:14:18,688 --> 00:14:21,271
It's contagious. But they're
also doing Black women,

355
00:14:21,355 --> 00:14:23,605
so I become me.

356
00:14:23,688 --> 00:14:25,772
But here's the thing
that really happened for me

357
00:14:25,855 --> 00:14:28,605
is, like, getting older,
you realize something...

358
00:14:28,688 --> 00:14:32,396
Is that you end up saying
the wrong things all the time.

359
00:14:32,480 --> 00:14:34,438
Like, I don't say
the right things at all.

360
00:14:34,521 --> 00:14:37,480
And it's just, it's embarrassing
when it happens.

361
00:14:37,563 --> 00:14:39,063
Like, I've been messing up.

362
00:14:39,146 --> 00:14:41,897
I met someone
who is not a guy or a girl.

363
00:14:41,980 --> 00:14:45,730
They were a they, which is how
they want to be referred to.

364
00:14:45,813 --> 00:14:48,480
That's important.
I care about that.

365
00:14:48,563 --> 00:14:51,355
It's just, it's new to me.

366
00:14:51,438 --> 00:14:53,480
But in a sentence,

367
00:14:53,563 --> 00:14:56,897
structurally...

368
00:14:56,980 --> 00:14:59,939
It makes me sound
like a runaway slave.

369
00:15:03,730 --> 00:15:07,230
Like, "Where they at?

370
00:15:07,313 --> 00:15:10,313
They's comin'?

371
00:15:10,396 --> 00:15:13,313
They down by the river?"

372
00:15:13,396 --> 00:15:15,188
But let me ask you guys
something. Yeah, please.

373
00:15:15,271 --> 00:15:18,188
Isn't this right now,
and being onstage,

374
00:15:18,271 --> 00:15:20,480
the only times
you're not depressed?

375
00:15:20,563 --> 00:15:23,438
- Those two.
- Well, yes.

376
00:15:23,521 --> 00:15:25,355
- Mm, yeah.
- Yes.

377
00:15:25,438 --> 00:15:27,897
But I have... I like...
I like being with my family.

378
00:15:27,980 --> 00:15:30,521
What the hell?!

379
00:15:30,605 --> 00:15:32,772
- Oh, shit!
- Oh, man!

380
00:15:32,855 --> 00:15:35,313
- Oh, wow.
- That... She just killed.

381
00:15:38,146 --> 00:15:40,980
Marina, do you have any new
corona jokes we should know about?

382
00:15:41,063 --> 00:15:44,188
I don't think they were strong,
but I got away with it.

383
00:15:44,271 --> 00:15:45,772
"Got away with it."

384
00:15:45,855 --> 00:15:47,897
I don't like this new humility
when she just crushed.

385
00:15:47,980 --> 00:15:50,647
This isn't even, like,
the weirdest gig that I've done.

386
00:15:50,730 --> 00:15:52,897
I... I just made
eye contact with, like,

387
00:15:52,980 --> 00:15:54,355
I think it was
the Chrysler Building.

388
00:15:54,438 --> 00:15:56,897
I don't know what the hell
is going on.

389
00:15:56,980 --> 00:16:00,104
But I just winked
at the Chrysler Building.

390
00:16:00,188 --> 00:16:01,605
It's all over.

391
00:16:01,688 --> 00:16:03,897
But I'm actually, I'm married
to an essential worker.

392
00:16:03,980 --> 00:16:05,563
He's a fireman.

393
00:16:05,647 --> 00:16:07,021
- Whoo!
- Thank you.

394
00:16:07,104 --> 00:16:10,230
I mean, he's kind of
a dick, but...

395
00:16:10,313 --> 00:16:12,563
The hardest thing about
being married to a fireman

396
00:16:12,647 --> 00:16:14,480
is that the men at the firehouse
have access

397
00:16:14,563 --> 00:16:17,271
to my husband's brain
for like half the week.

398
00:16:17,355 --> 00:16:20,438
Like, he'll come home
with conspiracy theories.

399
00:16:20,521 --> 00:16:23,730
He'll be like, "Vinny said they
legit never went to the moon."

400
00:16:23,813 --> 00:16:26,313
I'm like, "Don't believe
anything Vinny says."

401
00:16:26,396 --> 00:16:28,730
That's what I'm competing with,
conspiracy theories

402
00:16:28,813 --> 00:16:31,480
that use the word "legit."

403
00:16:31,563 --> 00:16:34,355
And it's strange 'cause, like,
we had a hard time in quarantine

404
00:16:34,438 --> 00:16:36,521
and he's a...
He's a good man and...

405
00:16:36,605 --> 00:16:38,855
But, like, we would argue
a lot 'cause, like,

406
00:16:38,939 --> 00:16:40,855
I don't like activities,
you know.

407
00:16:40,939 --> 00:16:43,521
I just like to sort of lay
in a dim room and snack.

408
00:16:43,605 --> 00:16:45,271
He likes to do activities.

409
00:16:45,355 --> 00:16:46,772
On night two of quarantine,

410
00:16:46,855 --> 00:16:49,230
he was like, "We should do,
like, a puzzle night

411
00:16:49,313 --> 00:16:51,813
where we both start a puzzle
at the same time

412
00:16:51,897 --> 00:16:53,605
and see who can finish first."

413
00:16:53,688 --> 00:16:56,396
I'm like, "I would rather
have a hysterectomy"

414
00:16:56,480 --> 00:16:59,021
than do a puzzle-off."

415
00:16:59,104 --> 00:17:01,605
Tell people what's the problem
with going first.

416
00:17:01,688 --> 00:17:03,563
First is good 'cause you get the
first material, but...

417
00:17:03,647 --> 00:17:05,271
First is good
because you want

418
00:17:05,355 --> 00:17:08,355
to just get it out of the way.
But... But I didn't.

419
00:17:08,438 --> 00:17:11,480
I wanted to enjoy the moment.
The crowd's not warm.

420
00:17:11,563 --> 00:17:13,438
They don't know what the hell is
going on. That's the emcee's fault.

421
00:17:13,521 --> 00:17:15,605
Chris, I thought
you were doing amazing.

422
00:17:15,688 --> 00:17:17,021
- Ooh, she did it again.
- Marina.

423
00:17:17,104 --> 00:17:18,521
You really warmed them up
for me!

424
00:17:18,605 --> 00:17:20,021
- Oh, my God!
- Mean girl shit.

425
00:17:20,104 --> 00:17:21,396
I don't need
this shit right now.

426
00:17:21,480 --> 00:17:23,897
Marina's
end zone dancing now.

427
00:17:23,980 --> 00:17:26,188
Yes, like everybody.
That's a comedian thing.

428
00:17:26,271 --> 00:17:27,980
Before you go on,
you feel like shit.

429
00:17:28,063 --> 00:17:30,688
Afterwards, if you kill,
you're high for like a half hour.

430
00:17:30,772 --> 00:17:32,271
The whole car ride home now,
I'll just be like,

431
00:17:32,355 --> 00:17:33,855
"If I would've went fourth,
I would've crushed."

432
00:17:33,939 --> 00:17:35,396
Well, Vos also mentioned

433
00:17:35,480 --> 00:17:37,313
that they could flash
their lights<i> after.</i>

434
00:17:37,396 --> 00:17:39,897
Ohh. See, that's
another problem with going first.

435
00:17:39,980 --> 00:17:43,188
Vos explained the rules
after he watched me die,

436
00:17:43,271 --> 00:17:45,480
then he explains the rules
for everybody else.

437
00:17:45,563 --> 00:17:47,021
Yeah.
Sounds very Vos.

438
00:17:47,104 --> 00:17:49,563
My parents are, like,
aggressively liberal.

439
00:17:49,647 --> 00:17:51,146
They would have preferred
if I'd married

440
00:17:51,230 --> 00:17:54,230
a Nigerian lesbian, I think.

441
00:17:54,313 --> 00:17:56,355
My mom loves complaining
about Trump.

442
00:17:56,438 --> 00:17:57,980
She does like a shoulder dance

443
00:17:58,063 --> 00:18:00,647
when she's ready
to start talkin' Trump.

444
00:18:00,730 --> 00:18:03,063
And she uses the weirdest
language. She'll be like,

445
00:18:03,146 --> 00:18:06,939
"Well, the sleuth is up to
his tricks this morn."

446
00:18:07,021 --> 00:18:10,021
"You can only slay a dragon
with his own wings."

447
00:18:10,104 --> 00:18:14,188
I'm like, I think that's just
a quote from "Game of Thrones."

448
00:18:14,271 --> 00:18:16,688
She goes, "The way
he's ignoring this coronavirus!"

449
00:18:16,772 --> 00:18:20,605
She goes, "I did an anti-Trump
collage in quarantine

450
00:18:20,688 --> 00:18:22,897
and I found it
very restorative."

451
00:18:22,980 --> 00:18:24,521
I'm like, "I don't think
that's healthy.

452
00:18:24,605 --> 00:18:27,355
You're not really supposed
to collage against someone."

453
00:18:27,438 --> 00:18:29,480
She goes, "Well,
it's pretty controversial."

454
00:18:29,563 --> 00:18:31,104
I'm like, "I'm pretty sure
whatever happens

455
00:18:31,188 --> 00:18:34,939
in your art room in Bethesda
is not controversial."

456
00:18:35,021 --> 00:18:36,730
If Trump's not listening
to Congress,

457
00:18:36,813 --> 00:18:39,355
I don't think it's gonna
be Karen Feinstein's decoupage

458
00:18:39,438 --> 00:18:42,480
that's gonna make him
start questioning his choices.

459
00:18:42,563 --> 00:18:45,021
Yeah, fuck the CDC,
but Karen Feinstein,

460
00:18:45,104 --> 00:18:47,563
well, she has some fine points.

461
00:18:47,647 --> 00:18:49,855
Thank you guys so much.
That's it for me.

462
00:18:51,647 --> 00:18:53,230
I hope I made sense.

463
00:18:53,313 --> 00:18:55,063
Aw, thank you.

464
00:18:57,813 --> 00:18:59,897
Rachel, give us a rating
on your set.

465
00:18:59,980 --> 00:19:01,855
On my set? Here's what
I think of Rachel's set,

466
00:19:01,939 --> 00:19:03,730
is the fact that... here, it
says everything about the set.

467
00:19:03,813 --> 00:19:06,647
I go, "Give us a rating."
She goes, "Marina killed it."

468
00:19:06,730 --> 00:19:08,271
Well, here's what I think,
honestly.

469
00:19:08,355 --> 00:19:11,396
I think that they were very nice
because Marina killed,

470
00:19:11,480 --> 00:19:13,688
so then afterwards,
that opened them up

471
00:19:13,772 --> 00:19:15,521
and everybody was like...

472
00:19:15,605 --> 00:19:17,855
some people were by the side
laughing and stuff.

473
00:19:17,939 --> 00:19:21,521
But I myself screwed up a few
intros and feel like a fraud.

474
00:19:21,605 --> 00:19:23,521
Yeah, 'cause we're not...
We haven't been on in so much.

475
00:19:23,605 --> 00:19:24,980
Yeah, but they were...
We're used to working...

476
00:19:25,063 --> 00:19:27,146
Because Marina crushed
and then she opened it up.

477
00:19:27,230 --> 00:19:28,730
You know,
you're so used to working.

478
00:19:28,813 --> 00:19:30,563
Like, if I take a week off,
I get rusty.

479
00:19:30,647 --> 00:19:33,772
It's nice to be here
in Lot 47.

480
00:19:33,855 --> 00:19:36,688
I've always wanted to bomb
next to the East River,

481
00:19:36,772 --> 00:19:38,146
so this is cool.

482
00:19:38,230 --> 00:19:41,647
Next to that big watery grave
known as the East River.

483
00:19:41,730 --> 00:19:44,313
It's just nice to be out of
the house without a mask on.

484
00:19:44,396 --> 00:19:46,438
This feels pretty good.

485
00:19:46,521 --> 00:19:50,104
Is anyone sneezed in their mask
during COVID?

486
00:19:50,188 --> 00:19:53,271
Yeah, that's the "shit in your
pants" of this whole thing.

487
00:19:53,355 --> 00:19:55,063
Just in person,
you're like, gah!

488
00:19:55,146 --> 00:19:57,688
Okay, that's all over
my own face.

489
00:19:57,772 --> 00:20:01,271
I'm just gonna walk around with
fucking snot all over my mouth.

490
00:20:01,355 --> 00:20:03,355
It's pretty awesome.
Wear a mask.

491
00:20:03,438 --> 00:20:05,438
I don't understand people
that don't want to wear a mask.

492
00:20:05,521 --> 00:20:07,438
Just do it.
It's fucking easy.

493
00:20:07,521 --> 00:20:09,855
And you're gonna look
way better in history.

494
00:20:09,939 --> 00:20:11,855
Just put on the mask,
and then you can lie

495
00:20:11,939 --> 00:20:13,688
to your grandkids all you want.

496
00:20:13,772 --> 00:20:15,730
They see a picture with you
in a mask and they're like,

497
00:20:15,813 --> 00:20:17,271
"Grandpa, you did
the right thing."

498
00:20:17,355 --> 00:20:19,063
You're like,
"I tore down a statue."

499
00:20:19,146 --> 00:20:20,313
You don't have to.

500
00:20:20,396 --> 00:20:22,188
You can lie
to your grandkids about it.

501
00:20:22,271 --> 00:20:24,063
That's all it is.
You do a small thing

502
00:20:24,146 --> 00:20:25,480
and you lie throughout history.

503
00:20:25,563 --> 00:20:27,146
Most of our grandparents
didn't want to fight

504
00:20:27,230 --> 00:20:28,480
in World War II.

505
00:20:28,563 --> 00:20:30,230
Sucks to say that,
but it's true.

506
00:20:30,313 --> 00:20:33,188
Most of our grandpas were like,
"I don't even know any Jews!"

507
00:20:34,480 --> 00:20:35,855
And then now,
all these years later,

508
00:20:35,939 --> 00:20:38,730
they can be like,
"I fought tyranny!"

509
00:20:38,813 --> 00:20:40,688
It's like, no, you didn't,
you anti-Semite.

510
00:20:40,772 --> 00:20:42,813
I read your letters to Nana.

511
00:20:42,897 --> 00:20:46,146
You were on some Walt Disney
shit, you fucking liar.

512
00:20:47,563 --> 00:20:50,146
By the way,
for the past like two decades,

513
00:20:50,230 --> 00:20:51,939
comedians have been
sucking our own dicks,

514
00:20:52,063 --> 00:20:53,480
being like, "We're artists."

515
00:20:53,563 --> 00:20:55,396
This is clear that we're just
mentally ill people

516
00:20:55,480 --> 00:20:57,438
shouting at cars.

517
00:20:57,521 --> 00:20:59,647
This is the most accurate
portrayal of comedy,

518
00:20:59,730 --> 00:21:02,647
where it's just a person
being like, "Go away, car!

519
00:21:02,730 --> 00:21:06,355
Stay away from me, car!"

520
00:21:06,438 --> 00:21:09,021
I'm missing my nana.
I think we're all feeling it.

521
00:21:09,104 --> 00:21:11,104
You know, no one can visit
their grandparents during this,

522
00:21:11,188 --> 00:21:13,188
'cause you're gonna
knock 'em out if you got it,

523
00:21:13,271 --> 00:21:14,688
if you got the 'VID.

524
00:21:14,772 --> 00:21:16,313
It's hard to hang out
with old people.

525
00:21:16,396 --> 00:21:18,313
Last time I hung out
with my grandma was December

526
00:21:18,396 --> 00:21:20,730
before COVID,
and that was hard.

527
00:21:20,813 --> 00:21:22,438
She's 93.
And no one tells you

528
00:21:22,521 --> 00:21:25,146
when you hang out
with anyone over 85,

529
00:21:25,230 --> 00:21:28,605
you get very nervous
when they sleep in.

530
00:21:29,980 --> 00:21:32,021
Three days in a row,
she's up at nine o'clock,

531
00:21:32,104 --> 00:21:33,897
and then one day at 9:30
on a Wednesday,

532
00:21:33,980 --> 00:21:36,146
you're like, "Come on, Nana!"

533
00:21:36,230 --> 00:21:38,188
"Get up!"

534
00:21:38,271 --> 00:21:40,480
10 o'clock, you're, like...
I'm pacing around the kitchen

535
00:21:40,563 --> 00:21:42,730
like, "I'm gonna walk in there,
I'm gonna touch your cheek.

536
00:21:42,813 --> 00:21:46,396
If it's cold,
I'm gonna change my flight."

537
00:21:46,480 --> 00:21:48,563
My grandma got up at 11 a.m.
I promise you,

538
00:21:48,647 --> 00:21:51,480
she's never woken up
to a reception like that, ever.

539
00:21:51,563 --> 00:21:54,897
She was like, "Dan, I'm awake!"
I was like, "Yeaaah!"

540
00:21:54,980 --> 00:21:57,230
She came down the stairs
like a president off a plane.

541
00:21:57,313 --> 00:21:59,897
She was like,
"I did it! I did it!

542
00:21:59,980 --> 00:22:02,688
I saw the light
and I turned around."

543
00:22:04,271 --> 00:22:06,396
What's more of a bummer
than hanging out with my grandma

544
00:22:06,480 --> 00:22:09,730
is she has a 13-year-old
shih tzu named Buddy

545
00:22:09,813 --> 00:22:13,271
who is both blind and deaf.

546
00:22:13,355 --> 00:22:14,730
That's a rough hang.

547
00:22:14,813 --> 00:22:16,563
That's a rougher hang
than the 93-year-old,

548
00:22:16,647 --> 00:22:20,104
watching a dog smell-navigate
for an entire week.

549
00:22:20,188 --> 00:22:21,647
Just walking around
the apartment like...

550
00:22:21,730 --> 00:22:23,521
Just fucking banging into shit.

551
00:22:23,605 --> 00:22:27,271
It looked like watching a broken
Roomba with a wig on it.

552
00:22:27,355 --> 00:22:29,271
I told my grandma, I'm like,
"You have to kill this thing.

553
00:22:29,355 --> 00:22:30,980
This thing shouldn't live."

554
00:22:31,063 --> 00:22:32,772
She's like,
"I don't want to play God."

555
00:22:32,855 --> 00:22:34,939
I'm like, "That's...
That's what you're doing."

556
00:22:35,021 --> 00:22:36,271
If this thing lived outside,

557
00:22:36,355 --> 00:22:39,104
it would've been hawk food
a year ago.

558
00:22:39,188 --> 00:22:40,813
This dog is deaf and blind.

559
00:22:40,897 --> 00:22:43,605
That's an inhumane way
to let anything live.

560
00:22:43,688 --> 00:22:48,188
This dog's entire life
is Metallica's "One" song.

561
00:22:48,271 --> 00:22:49,897
The dog's whole life
is just like,

562
00:22:49,980 --> 00:22:51,939
♪ Darkness imprisoning me ♪

563
00:22:52,021 --> 00:22:54,438
♪ All that I see,
absolute horror ♪

564
00:22:54,521 --> 00:22:56,271
I put that song on
when my grandma leaves.

565
00:22:56,355 --> 00:22:58,647
I'm like, "Buddy,
it's your jam!"

566
00:22:58,730 --> 00:23:01,813
I put it on the ground so he can
feel it through his paws.

567
00:23:01,897 --> 00:23:04,396
He takes in the music
like Beethoven.

568
00:23:04,480 --> 00:23:07,855
The composer,
not the adorable Saint Bernard.

569
00:23:07,939 --> 00:23:09,480
I gotta... I gotta...

570
00:23:09,563 --> 00:23:12,271
Alright! The little
Beethoven history gets a honk.

571
00:23:13,647 --> 00:23:15,230
Alright, you guys been
a fun parking lot.

572
00:23:15,313 --> 00:23:17,396
Thank you very much.
Have a good night.

573
00:23:17,480 --> 00:23:19,813
Holy shit.

574
00:23:19,897 --> 00:23:21,980
Now, wait a minute.
Can I ask a question?

575
00:23:22,063 --> 00:23:24,897
So, you know you bombed now
'cause it's been set.

576
00:23:24,980 --> 00:23:26,813
That is doing...
They liked you.

577
00:23:26,897 --> 00:23:28,813
So at the end, you get...
Bup!

578
00:23:28,897 --> 00:23:31,146
One little "bep, bep"...
You suck.

579
00:23:31,230 --> 00:23:32,313
Yeah.

580
00:23:37,396 --> 00:23:39,730
Thank you, handsome.

581
00:23:39,813 --> 00:23:42,021
It's the only time
I'll ever say that to him.

582
00:23:42,104 --> 00:23:43,271
Oh, please, Bonnie,
do good,

583
00:23:43,355 --> 00:23:44,813
or it's gonna be
a long ride home.

584
00:23:44,897 --> 00:23:46,104
Please, God.

585
00:23:46,188 --> 00:23:47,271
Please, God,
do well.

586
00:23:47,355 --> 00:23:48,688
I like the honking,
by the way.

587
00:23:48,772 --> 00:23:50,605
I love it. I, uh...

588
00:23:50,688 --> 00:23:51,939
Now.

589
00:23:55,188 --> 00:23:57,897
Later, I'll talk about
how sexist it was

590
00:23:57,980 --> 00:24:00,855
in a BuzzFeed article,
but for now, very cool.

591
00:24:02,396 --> 00:24:04,521
I kid. But this is big.
This is a big deal.

592
00:24:04,605 --> 00:24:07,772
I put on pants for this.

593
00:24:07,855 --> 00:24:10,772
I've been getting invited
to a lot of Zoom parties,

594
00:24:10,855 --> 00:24:12,605
which...

595
00:24:12,688 --> 00:24:14,939
Fool me once!

596
00:24:15,021 --> 00:24:18,104
"Party," in this context,
is incredibly misleading,

597
00:24:18,188 --> 00:24:20,480
although "uncomfortable
Zoom chore"

598
00:24:20,563 --> 00:24:25,396
probably wouldn't bring
the people in.

599
00:24:25,480 --> 00:24:28,939
Have the courage
to drink alone!

600
00:24:29,021 --> 00:24:31,063
Be a hero.

601
00:24:31,146 --> 00:24:33,563
Yes, heroes are...

602
00:24:33,647 --> 00:24:37,521
It's an important time
for heroes, front-line workers.

603
00:24:37,605 --> 00:24:40,897
Whenever I'm going
through self-checkout

604
00:24:40,980 --> 00:24:42,563
at the grocery store,

605
00:24:42,647 --> 00:24:45,647
I say to myself,
"You're a hero."

606
00:24:45,730 --> 00:24:49,230
I let me know
how I feel about me.

607
00:24:50,980 --> 00:24:54,230
So, I've been in quarantine
with my husband for, you know,

608
00:24:54,313 --> 00:24:55,939
however long this
has been going on.

609
00:24:56,021 --> 00:24:57,897
And I've learned a few things.

610
00:24:57,980 --> 00:25:01,688
One thing I've learned
is that I will not kill him,

611
00:25:01,772 --> 00:25:04,396
because I would have
done it by now.

612
00:25:04,480 --> 00:25:07,313
He has reached peak annoyance,

613
00:25:07,396 --> 00:25:09,063
mostly with chewing.

614
00:25:09,146 --> 00:25:11,313
What a great time, though, if
you wanted to kill your husband.

615
00:25:11,396 --> 00:25:13,438
You should do it, 'cause
people aren't gonna find out

616
00:25:13,521 --> 00:25:17,188
for a while,
and perfect digging weather.

617
00:25:17,271 --> 00:25:18,563
But what... But instead,

618
00:25:18,647 --> 00:25:20,730
I, like, when I get
really upset,

619
00:25:20,813 --> 00:25:24,605
I lay in bed at night
and then I just, I go over...

620
00:25:24,688 --> 00:25:26,730
In my head,
I go over his eulogy,

621
00:25:26,813 --> 00:25:29,021
and that just
brings me peace somehow.

622
00:25:29,104 --> 00:25:30,939
It's getting so good.

623
00:25:32,355 --> 00:25:34,730
No, it's... I say really nice
things about him.

624
00:25:34,813 --> 00:25:37,313
I'm really... I mean,
I'm gonna say some, you know...

625
00:25:37,396 --> 00:25:39,104
I'm gonna talk about
his flaws a little bit

626
00:25:39,188 --> 00:25:41,271
just to humanize him, you know.

627
00:25:41,355 --> 00:25:45,021
But if he...

628
00:25:45,104 --> 00:25:47,980
<i>When</i> he dies,

629
00:25:48,063 --> 00:25:49,647
I will be ready.

630
00:25:52,146 --> 00:25:54,897
The end of the world
is here, almost.

631
00:25:54,980 --> 00:25:56,855
And, uh...

632
00:25:56,939 --> 00:25:59,855
And the floods
haven't even started yet.

633
00:25:59,939 --> 00:26:03,480
This guy was like,
"The floods are coming.

634
00:26:03,563 --> 00:26:05,730
You know, the Earth is ending.

635
00:26:05,813 --> 00:26:08,188
Uh... we're gonna be
underwater soon.

636
00:26:08,271 --> 00:26:12,021
Why are you women still
so hung up on feminism?"

637
00:26:12,104 --> 00:26:13,980
You know?
He was like, "Hey, maybe

638
00:26:14,063 --> 00:26:16,480
you don't want to... you know,
you don't want to lose that

639
00:26:16,563 --> 00:26:19,563
'women and children first' card
just yet."

640
00:26:20,980 --> 00:26:25,021
I was like,
"Is this asshole right?"

641
00:26:25,104 --> 00:26:27,855
I don't want to get
my hair wet, you know?

642
00:26:27,939 --> 00:26:29,521
But then I started thinking
about it, I was like,

643
00:26:29,605 --> 00:26:32,104
Wait a second, there is no
'women and children first' card.

644
00:26:32,188 --> 00:26:33,855
It's just children first,
and then somebody

645
00:26:33,939 --> 00:26:35,688
has to take care
of the children,

646
00:26:35,772 --> 00:26:37,521
and men would rather drown.

647
00:26:37,605 --> 00:26:40,521
So I think that was your choice.

648
00:26:40,605 --> 00:26:42,230
Listen, this has been
kind of fun.

649
00:26:42,313 --> 00:26:45,897
Thank you so much. I have
no idea if I did well or not.

650
00:26:48,271 --> 00:26:49,605
Thank you.

651
00:26:49,688 --> 00:26:51,021
I'm gonna say this...

652
00:26:51,104 --> 00:26:53,688
I'm gonna get the first
parking lot standing 0.

653
00:26:53,772 --> 00:26:55,855
They'll be standing up.

654
00:26:55,939 --> 00:26:58,063
- I guarantee it.
- If you flip their hoods.

655
00:26:59,313 --> 00:27:01,146
Come on.
Do a little more than that.

656
00:27:01,230 --> 00:27:02,813
Come on.
I need more than that.

657
00:27:02,897 --> 00:27:06,063
Okay.

658
00:27:06,146 --> 00:27:07,438
That bothers me.

659
00:27:07,521 --> 00:27:09,021
That's them honking
telling him to get offstage.

660
00:27:09,104 --> 00:27:10,438
Sam Jay's getting
that energy.

661
00:27:10,521 --> 00:27:12,188
The energy of
right before you go on.

662
00:27:12,271 --> 00:27:14,355
I had to walk away from you
guys. I didn't want to be around.

663
00:27:14,438 --> 00:27:16,271
Yeah, I know. I saw that.
I noticed that.

664
00:27:16,355 --> 00:27:18,104
Oh, don't think I'm
fucking not getting out of this chair.

665
00:27:18,188 --> 00:27:19,897
- See?
- I walked far away from it.

666
00:27:19,980 --> 00:27:21,772
Where the black cars at?

667
00:27:25,813 --> 00:27:27,647
Just checking. Just checking.

668
00:27:27,730 --> 00:27:31,313
Alright, man, I'm telling you
right now, I'm feeling good.

669
00:27:31,396 --> 00:27:33,063
You know,
I'm not sad at all, man.

670
00:27:33,146 --> 00:27:37,230
People sad at things, you know,
maybe like a little fucked up,

671
00:27:37,313 --> 00:27:39,897
but I'm happy,
you know what I mean?

672
00:27:39,980 --> 00:27:41,939
I'm happy about a lot of shit.

673
00:27:42,021 --> 00:27:44,021
I'm jealous about shit, too,
like the looting.

674
00:27:44,104 --> 00:27:46,563
I'm jealous of the looting.
I'm not mad about the looting.

675
00:27:46,647 --> 00:27:48,230
I'm jealous.

676
00:27:48,313 --> 00:27:51,104
Because shit
is light as hell now

677
00:27:51,188 --> 00:27:54,772
and you can carry a lot of shit,
you know what I mean?

678
00:27:54,855 --> 00:27:56,939
I seen an 8-year-old
running down the street

679
00:27:57,021 --> 00:27:58,605
with a 65-inch TV.

680
00:27:58,688 --> 00:28:02,021
8 years old, just running.

681
00:28:02,104 --> 00:28:04,939
I'm like, "What the fuck?"
Now, 'cause I'm old.

682
00:28:05,021 --> 00:28:08,438
What I was his age,
it took like 45 motherfuckers

683
00:28:08,521 --> 00:28:10,772
to carry one floor-model TV out.

684
00:28:15,230 --> 00:28:18,688
45. Heavy as shit. God damn!

685
00:28:18,772 --> 00:28:21,063
Only thing you could
run out with then

686
00:28:21,146 --> 00:28:23,605
is like a RCA antenna.

687
00:28:23,688 --> 00:28:25,271
What's he saying?

688
00:28:25,355 --> 00:28:26,855
Uh-oh.

689
00:28:26,939 --> 00:28:29,271
No TV, just an antenna.
That's it.

690
00:28:29,355 --> 00:28:30,730
What the fuck?

691
00:28:33,396 --> 00:28:36,480
Ah, he just repeated the joke.
He's bombing.

692
00:28:36,563 --> 00:28:38,563
You know, you got,
you know, Donald Trump,

693
00:28:38,647 --> 00:28:40,813
and everybody like,
"What don't you like about Don?"

694
00:28:40,897 --> 00:28:42,438
A lot of people don't like him.

695
00:28:42,521 --> 00:28:45,813
And it's just so many people
who don't like Donald Trump,

696
00:28:45,897 --> 00:28:48,146
I had to think about
what I like about him.

697
00:28:48,230 --> 00:28:50,813
I was like, "What do I fucking
like about Donald Trump?"

698
00:28:50,897 --> 00:28:52,438
And I thought about it,
and I got it.

699
00:28:52,521 --> 00:28:55,438
I like the fact that
he lets his friends out of jail.

700
00:28:55,521 --> 00:28:58,355
I like that shit.

701
00:28:58,438 --> 00:28:59,980
'Cause if I was the president,

702
00:29:00,063 --> 00:29:01,772
that's the first thing
I would do.

703
00:29:01,855 --> 00:29:04,188
"Yo, yo, yo!

704
00:29:04,271 --> 00:29:06,939
You free!

705
00:29:07,021 --> 00:29:09,021
How many people
you got around you?

706
00:29:09,104 --> 00:29:11,396
Tell 'em they free, too.
Fuck it."

707
00:29:14,855 --> 00:29:16,146
I got an applause break.

708
00:29:16,230 --> 00:29:17,855
That's what
I'm fucking talking about.

709
00:29:17,939 --> 00:29:20,021
Y'all must be the black car.

710
00:29:21,897 --> 00:29:23,521
But Donald Trump,
you got to admit,

711
00:29:23,605 --> 00:29:25,104
even if you love Donald Trump,

712
00:29:25,188 --> 00:29:29,021
you got to know he's doing
too much presidentin'.

713
00:29:29,104 --> 00:29:33,188
Every day, you got to hear
from this motherfucker.

714
00:29:33,271 --> 00:29:36,897
And he does shit that nobody
has ever done before.

715
00:29:36,980 --> 00:29:39,396
Like, he tried to rob a country.

716
00:29:39,480 --> 00:29:41,730
A whole country...
Tried to rob them.

717
00:29:41,813 --> 00:29:44,521
Donald Trump is test-driving
this country

718
00:29:44,605 --> 00:29:47,271
like it's a rental car.

719
00:29:47,355 --> 00:29:49,521
And we all are passengers
in the back.

720
00:29:49,605 --> 00:29:52,897
"Wait a minute, don't do that!
Don't do that!"

721
00:29:52,980 --> 00:29:55,647
"Watch me make this minivan
do a wheelie."

722
00:29:55,730 --> 00:29:57,521
What the fuck?!

723
00:29:59,021 --> 00:30:01,897
Oh, shit. Oh, my God!

724
00:30:03,480 --> 00:30:06,396
That's a horn break.
I just got a horn break.

725
00:30:06,480 --> 00:30:09,063
Listen to Keith.
He's killing.

726
00:30:09,146 --> 00:30:11,188
- Keith's not gonna get off.
- Keith's doing good.

727
00:30:11,271 --> 00:30:13,480
I hope he doesn't get off.
I hope he does 45.

728
00:30:13,563 --> 00:30:15,939
- Who's next? Sam Jay?
- Sam Jay.

729
00:30:16,021 --> 00:30:19,230
Let's talk about
some other shit, man.

730
00:30:19,313 --> 00:30:21,438
You know the cops.
I don't mind the police.

731
00:30:21,521 --> 00:30:23,521
Police... I think
we all know this...

732
00:30:23,605 --> 00:30:25,063
All police aren't bad.

733
00:30:25,146 --> 00:30:26,897
We can say that...
All police aren't bad.

734
00:30:26,980 --> 00:30:28,230
We get that.

735
00:30:28,313 --> 00:30:29,730
They are all complicit,

736
00:30:29,813 --> 00:30:31,396
but they're not all bad.

737
00:30:31,480 --> 00:30:36,104
You know what I mean?

738
00:30:36,188 --> 00:30:40,563
You never see the cops ever say,
"I overreacted."

739
00:30:40,647 --> 00:30:42,897
But it's like, you got to
realize this, though.

740
00:30:42,980 --> 00:30:44,605
Everybody goes to do a job.

741
00:30:44,688 --> 00:30:47,063
Don't mean they're gonna do
a good job.

742
00:30:47,146 --> 00:30:49,772
Every police officer is
not there to serve and protect.

743
00:30:49,855 --> 00:30:52,939
Some people just like the job
because you get the money in.

744
00:30:53,021 --> 00:30:56,104
That's it. Like, for instance,
I joined the Navy, right?

745
00:30:56,188 --> 00:30:57,980
And this is no bullshit.
I joined the Navy.

746
00:30:58,063 --> 00:31:00,813
But I ain't join the Navy
'cause I felt patriotic.

747
00:31:00,897 --> 00:31:03,355
I ain't give a fuck.

748
00:31:03,438 --> 00:31:06,438
I joined the Navy
'cause my SATs told me,

749
00:31:06,521 --> 00:31:09,396
"This is all you got left, man."

750
00:31:09,480 --> 00:31:11,271
"You are one dumb
son of a bitch.

751
00:31:11,355 --> 00:31:13,271
This is it."

752
00:31:13,355 --> 00:31:15,188
Alright, that's one horn.
That's good enough.

753
00:31:15,271 --> 00:31:18,772
A horn is a horn, God damn it.

754
00:31:18,855 --> 00:31:20,480
Alright. Fuck it.
That's it.

755
00:31:20,563 --> 00:31:22,230
Good night.
Thanks a lot, man.

756
00:31:25,438 --> 00:31:28,355
Now, you guys
in the middle of your careers,

757
00:31:28,438 --> 00:31:31,271
all going well,
and this has to happen.

758
00:31:31,355 --> 00:31:33,813
Are you at all worried
that this is where it all stops,

759
00:31:33,897 --> 00:31:36,647
it plateaus?
What if this is the new normal?

760
00:31:36,730 --> 00:31:39,688
I finally started selling
tickets in January.

761
00:31:39,772 --> 00:31:41,396
- You did?
- I was half sold.

762
00:31:41,480 --> 00:31:43,104
And then January,
the HBO special came out

763
00:31:43,188 --> 00:31:44,521
and I finally started
selling tickets,

764
00:31:44,605 --> 00:31:46,355
and they're like,
"No more shows."

765
00:31:46,438 --> 00:31:48,271
- You're like, "Fuck!"
- Same with me.

766
00:31:48,355 --> 00:31:50,396
Same with you and same
with you? I had all the tickets sold.

767
00:31:50,480 --> 00:31:52,438
I don't even know if I could sell
tickets. The special just came out.

768
00:31:52,521 --> 00:31:56,521
Yeah, so like, the metric of how
you know if it's good for real,

769
00:31:56,605 --> 00:31:57,939
I can't...
I don't even have.

770
00:31:58,021 --> 00:32:00,230
Yeah. I was like, "It's working!
Everything's broke."

771
00:32:00,313 --> 00:32:01,647
Yeah.
Comedy's changed now.

772
00:32:01,730 --> 00:32:03,480
It's like now,
because you have to just have

773
00:32:03,563 --> 00:32:05,438
an online presence
or a digital presence.

774
00:32:05,521 --> 00:32:06,855
But you had to anyway,
yeah.

775
00:32:06,939 --> 00:32:08,521
No, but now it's, like,
reinforced that,

776
00:32:08,605 --> 00:32:09,980
that like, now
you really need it.

777
00:32:10,063 --> 00:32:11,688
You know, unless you're, like,
grandfathered in.

778
00:32:11,772 --> 00:32:14,188
But it's like, if there's
no podcast or YouTube

779
00:32:14,271 --> 00:32:17,021
or something where people
can find you on the Internet,

780
00:32:17,104 --> 00:32:18,688
you know... But I
mean, it will come back.

781
00:32:18,772 --> 00:32:20,230
It will. So I don't think you<i> have</i> to.

782
00:32:20,313 --> 00:32:21,813
No, but I'm saying,
to stay afloat now,

783
00:32:21,897 --> 00:32:23,063
for the next couple years.

784
00:32:23,146 --> 00:32:24,897
I'm not gonna get
an Internet presence.

785
00:32:24,980 --> 00:32:27,521
I'm nervous we're never
gonna get back. This feels like...

786
00:32:27,605 --> 00:32:28,855
Oh, you're nervous
about...

787
00:32:28,939 --> 00:32:30,480
I'm nervous
about Chris.

788
00:32:30,563 --> 00:32:33,521
Chris is upset because Vos
didn't announce honking horns

789
00:32:33,605 --> 00:32:35,605
and giving the response
till after his set.

790
00:32:35,688 --> 00:32:37,813
No, Vos... literally,
the magic of the show

791
00:32:37,897 --> 00:32:39,521
happened
after my set was over.

792
00:32:39,605 --> 00:32:42,146
Like, the fucking... look at how
beautiful the night sky is.

793
00:32:42,230 --> 00:32:44,230
I was there,
it was sunny out still.

794
00:32:44,313 --> 00:32:45,897
It was pure daylight
when I did my set.

795
00:32:45,980 --> 00:32:47,355
Wait, did he not
tell 'em to honk?

796
00:32:47,438 --> 00:32:49,063
Yeah, and the sun
wasn't down yet.

797
00:32:49,146 --> 00:32:50,313
You know, it's beautiful
night sky now.

798
00:32:50,396 --> 00:32:51,897
I mean, you took
a real bullet.

799
00:32:51,980 --> 00:32:53,563
You should feel good about
that. I got fucking nothing.

800
00:32:53,647 --> 00:32:55,146
- You took a bullet.
- I took a bullet for the show.

801
00:32:55,230 --> 00:32:57,647
You did. And by the way,
you can definitely hear

802
00:32:57,730 --> 00:32:59,396
the water crashing
into the rocks.

803
00:32:59,480 --> 00:33:00,688
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.

804
00:33:00,772 --> 00:33:01,980
Any down moment in your set. Yeah.

805
00:33:02,063 --> 00:33:03,605
That's what's
so nerve-racking.

806
00:33:03,688 --> 00:33:05,521
Boats might be the only place
we can perform after this.

807
00:33:05,605 --> 00:33:08,647
Yeah. COVID testing, and
then they just send us out.

808
00:33:08,730 --> 00:33:10,021
Test the audience.
Yeah.

809
00:33:10,104 --> 00:33:12,521
Outdoor cruise ships,
where they're docked,

810
00:33:12,605 --> 00:33:14,396
- that don't go anywhere.
- Well, I think, certainly,

811
00:33:14,480 --> 00:33:16,855
at least for a little bit,
performing for cars

812
00:33:16,939 --> 00:33:19,021
or in settings that are not
comedy clubs is just gonna be

813
00:33:19,104 --> 00:33:20,480
what you're gonna have to do
if you want to work.

814
00:33:20,563 --> 00:33:21,855
Yeah, I agree
with that.

815
00:33:21,939 --> 00:33:23,521
It might move down south,
because like,

816
00:33:23,605 --> 00:33:26,313
the best baseball players come
from Dominican Republic

817
00:33:26,396 --> 00:33:27,897
'cause they play
year-round...

818
00:33:27,980 --> 00:33:29,605
Comedy might move down south
'cause it's all outdoors.

819
00:33:29,688 --> 00:33:30,897
Are you saying
Cuban comics?

820
00:33:30,980 --> 00:33:32,188
'Cause you could be
outside all the time,

821
00:33:32,271 --> 00:33:34,104
who the whole shit
might shift

822
00:33:34,188 --> 00:33:35,688
and New York
might be dead.

823
00:33:35,772 --> 00:33:37,104
I don't know
why I said yes to this,

824
00:33:37,188 --> 00:33:38,355
'cause I've been...

825
00:33:38,438 --> 00:33:40,063
doing good in life.

826
00:33:41,855 --> 00:33:43,688
I don't know, man.
I mean...

827
00:33:43,772 --> 00:33:45,772
I was in D.R. for a week.

828
00:33:45,855 --> 00:33:48,438
I just went, just went
to D.R. for a week.

829
00:33:48,521 --> 00:33:50,813
I feel really good about it
'cause I feel

830
00:33:50,897 --> 00:33:52,396
like a gross white man.

831
00:33:52,480 --> 00:33:54,480
Like, I feel like
an evil white dude,

832
00:33:54,563 --> 00:33:56,104
like I'm doing,
like, super villain shit,

833
00:33:56,188 --> 00:33:58,480
like going to a, like,
third-world country

834
00:33:58,563 --> 00:34:01,480
in a pandemic,
sitting on a resort,

835
00:34:01,563 --> 00:34:05,271
having people bring me drinks,
like a real piece of shit.

836
00:34:05,355 --> 00:34:08,688
Not wearing a mask... just doing
like filthy white man shit.

837
00:34:08,772 --> 00:34:12,480
And I got to say, it feels good.
It feels real fucking good.

838
00:34:12,563 --> 00:34:16,230
I get why they do it so much.
It's nice.

839
00:34:16,313 --> 00:34:18,939
I was smoking cigars.

840
00:34:19,021 --> 00:34:21,104
I don't even smoke
fucking cigars.

841
00:34:21,188 --> 00:34:23,730
But it just made me
feel more evil.

842
00:34:27,897 --> 00:34:30,605
Cool. Thanks.

843
00:34:30,688 --> 00:34:33,188
I been watching white people
get punched in the face a lot

844
00:34:33,271 --> 00:34:35,146
during the pandemic.

845
00:34:35,230 --> 00:34:37,146
I watch videos...

846
00:34:37,230 --> 00:34:41,146
I watch videos of white people
getting beat up

847
00:34:41,230 --> 00:34:43,688
for saying racist things
to Black people.

848
00:34:43,772 --> 00:34:45,772
It's fun. There's, like,
a whole bunch of 'em.

849
00:34:45,855 --> 00:34:48,355
And what's great about it is
at no point do they ever,

850
00:34:48,438 --> 00:34:51,104
like, think
they're gonna get hit.

851
00:34:51,188 --> 00:34:53,605
And that blows my mind.
Like, they say very crazy things

852
00:34:53,688 --> 00:34:57,188
to a person in their face,
and then the person hits them

853
00:34:57,271 --> 00:35:00,355
and they always look surprised
that they got hit.

854
00:35:00,438 --> 00:35:02,021
And I just don't know
anyone who...

855
00:35:02,104 --> 00:35:03,688
Like, I didn't grow up
like that.

856
00:35:03,772 --> 00:35:05,647
I didn't grow up,
like, not knowing

857
00:35:05,730 --> 00:35:07,855
if you said wild shit,
you could get hit.

858
00:35:07,939 --> 00:35:09,855
But like, white people
really think you're not allowed

859
00:35:09,939 --> 00:35:11,688
to hit them for words.

860
00:35:11,772 --> 00:35:15,313
Like, somebody somewhere
told them this goofy shit

861
00:35:15,396 --> 00:35:17,688
that, like, people can't hit you
over words,

862
00:35:17,772 --> 00:35:20,772
and they really running
the world believing that shit.

863
00:35:20,855 --> 00:35:24,521
Whereas I grew up getting hit
over words all the fucking time.

864
00:35:24,605 --> 00:35:26,688
So I know
it's fucking possible.

865
00:35:26,772 --> 00:35:30,563
It's weird, like, how the rules
is just applied different.

866
00:35:30,647 --> 00:35:32,521
Like, right before
the world shut down,

867
00:35:32,605 --> 00:35:34,563
I was at a Marshalls, right?

868
00:35:34,647 --> 00:35:36,396
I'm inside this Marshalls,
chilling,

869
00:35:36,480 --> 00:35:37,980
and this white lady
was in the Marshalls.

870
00:35:38,063 --> 00:35:40,563
And we was in, like, the rich
section of Marshall's.

871
00:35:40,647 --> 00:35:41,730
You know.

872
00:35:41,813 --> 00:35:43,063
Like, you know, where the, like,

873
00:35:43,146 --> 00:35:45,480
the rich nigga shit is
at Marshall's.

874
00:35:45,563 --> 00:35:47,438
So we was over there
on the rich nigga side,

875
00:35:47,521 --> 00:35:48,897
you know what I mean?

876
00:35:48,980 --> 00:35:51,730
And she had a Gucci purse.
And then this Black girl,

877
00:35:51,813 --> 00:35:53,897
she walked in,
walked up to the white lady,

878
00:35:53,980 --> 00:35:56,021
and she was like,
"Give me your purse, bitch."

879
00:35:57,313 --> 00:35:58,688
And then the white lady

880
00:35:58,772 --> 00:36:02,230
gave her the purse,
and the Black girl left.

881
00:36:02,313 --> 00:36:04,146
And then the white lady yelled,

882
00:36:04,230 --> 00:36:05,813
"I've been robbed!"

883
00:36:05,897 --> 00:36:08,897
And I was like,
"No, you wasn't.

884
00:36:09,021 --> 00:36:11,772
You just gave that bitch
your bag."

885
00:36:11,855 --> 00:36:14,980
A robbery requires
some type of resistance.

886
00:36:15,063 --> 00:36:16,772
You got to clutch the shit
or something.

887
00:36:16,855 --> 00:36:19,772
You just handed that shit over.
You weren't robbed, bitch.

888
00:36:19,855 --> 00:36:21,438
You got chumped.
That's what we call it.

889
00:36:21,521 --> 00:36:23,104
You got chumped.

890
00:36:23,188 --> 00:36:25,271
And people don't go to jail
for chumping niggas.

891
00:36:25,355 --> 00:36:27,146
You just got to take that I.

892
00:36:27,230 --> 00:36:29,396
Go home, walk that shit off.

893
00:36:29,480 --> 00:36:32,939
Ask yourself why you let that
bitch take your bag like that.

894
00:36:36,605 --> 00:36:38,730
That's really it.
Alright, bye, y'all.

895
00:36:41,355 --> 00:36:44,104
Now, Bobby, show it
to the camera for a second.

896
00:36:44,188 --> 00:36:45,939
I'm not turning.
Alright.

897
00:36:46,021 --> 00:36:47,647
Tell him to move.

898
00:36:47,730 --> 00:36:49,104
I'm not fucking turning.

899
00:36:49,188 --> 00:36:50,772
I love comedians,

900
00:36:50,855 --> 00:36:53,521
and I think that they are never
funnier than before the show.

901
00:36:53,605 --> 00:36:55,980
They're getting into
that mindset to perform,

902
00:36:56,063 --> 00:36:57,480
the adrenaline starts flowing,

903
00:36:57,563 --> 00:36:59,813
and when everybody sees
each other, it's like a reunion.

904
00:36:59,897 --> 00:37:02,605
It's really some blond lady
who's the director. Alright.

905
00:37:02,688 --> 00:37:04,021
Where's the real director?

906
00:37:04,104 --> 00:37:05,647
Oh, Jesus,
I broke the fucking...

907
00:37:05,730 --> 00:37:07,772
We just start
trashing each other

908
00:37:07,855 --> 00:37:10,355
like a bunch of dogs jumping on
each other in a dog park.

909
00:37:10,438 --> 00:37:12,146
It's fun.
It's how we like to do it.

910
00:37:12,230 --> 00:37:14,313
- Get regular chairs!
- You want to sit in this chair?

911
00:37:14,396 --> 00:37:16,438
No, I'll break that one, too.
Go ahead. What were you saying?

912
00:37:16,521 --> 00:37:19,855
Tell people what the problem is
with going last.

913
00:37:19,939 --> 00:37:22,355
People that don't know comedy.
What are the challenges

914
00:37:22,438 --> 00:37:24,313
with going last?
Especially at a show like this.

915
00:37:24,396 --> 00:37:25,855
Everyone's done
corona stuff.

916
00:37:25,939 --> 00:37:28,813
It's... everybody's already
done everything. Right.

917
00:37:28,897 --> 00:37:30,438
And they're fucking tired.
Right.

918
00:37:30,521 --> 00:37:32,438
They've been sitting
in their cars, comfortable.

919
00:37:32,521 --> 00:37:34,230
- They have air conditioning.
- Yeah, that's what...

920
00:37:34,313 --> 00:37:35,688
You don't want that at a show.

921
00:37:35,772 --> 00:37:38,021
You want chairs up tight,
face straight.

922
00:37:38,104 --> 00:37:39,688
Not, you know...
No nothing.

923
00:37:39,772 --> 00:37:42,021
And they're in their fucking
car, fiddling, they're texting.

924
00:37:42,104 --> 00:37:43,897
They got fucking things
in front of them,

925
00:37:43,980 --> 00:37:45,521
probably getting hand jobs.

926
00:37:45,605 --> 00:37:47,605
And then I got to go up
at the end and fucking sweep up

927
00:37:47,688 --> 00:37:50,480
this horse shit
in a fucking parking lot.

928
00:37:50,563 --> 00:37:53,271
Like I need to feel worse.
I got no money. I'm in corona.

929
00:37:53,355 --> 00:37:55,480
I haven't worked
since fucking February.

930
00:37:55,563 --> 00:37:58,438
Alright? I was about to buy
a Rolex and get a new house.

931
00:37:58,521 --> 00:38:00,188
Now I'm...
A Rolex?

932
00:38:00,271 --> 00:38:03,021
Yeah! I got nothing. Okay?
I got nothing.

933
00:38:03,104 --> 00:38:04,772
You have a house. Now
I'm closing this fucking...

934
00:38:04,855 --> 00:38:06,647
I got a house,
but it's a small house.

935
00:38:06,730 --> 00:38:08,021
How we doing?

936
00:38:08,104 --> 00:38:09,438
Oh, you can really hear
the water.

937
00:38:09,521 --> 00:38:11,563
This is fucking weird.

938
00:38:11,647 --> 00:38:13,355
Is this weird?

939
00:38:13,438 --> 00:38:15,271
- Do you like it or not?
- Yeah!

940
00:38:15,355 --> 00:38:16,730
Yeah. Yeah.

941
00:38:16,813 --> 00:38:18,521
Yeah, you got no fucking choice.

942
00:38:18,605 --> 00:38:22,355
It's either this or stay home
and watch Netflix again.

943
00:38:22,438 --> 00:38:24,897
Watch some fat guy on a river.

944
00:38:26,980 --> 00:38:28,688
I don't mind...
COVID sucks.

945
00:38:28,772 --> 00:38:30,688
This sucks, but good things
came out of it,

946
00:38:30,772 --> 00:38:32,063
if you look at it.

947
00:38:32,146 --> 00:38:33,730
You know, weddings...

948
00:38:33,813 --> 00:38:35,647
I didn't have to go to any
shit weddings this year.

949
00:38:35,730 --> 00:38:37,563
That's awesome, right?

950
00:38:38,980 --> 00:38:41,688
Oh, that makes me...
Oh, weddings suck ass.

951
00:38:41,772 --> 00:38:43,063
Oh, it made me so happy

952
00:38:43,146 --> 00:38:46,146
they had to do it in a yard
by themselves.

953
00:38:46,230 --> 00:38:48,396
Oh, weddings are the worst,
'cause they're just, you know...

954
00:38:48,480 --> 00:38:50,730
They're just entitled assholes

955
00:38:50,813 --> 00:38:53,563
trying to be prince
and princesses for the day.

956
00:38:53,647 --> 00:38:55,230
And you're not.
You're getting mar...

957
00:38:55,313 --> 00:38:57,563
Look, marriage, I'm fine...
A wedding, you're an asshole.

958
00:38:57,647 --> 00:38:59,688
If you have a wedding
and you're not royalty,

959
00:38:59,772 --> 00:39:01,730
you are a phony
piece of shit to me.

960
00:39:01,813 --> 00:39:03,939
Okay? You're working...
You're a barista.

961
00:39:04,021 --> 00:39:05,772
You don't get a wedding.
You live in Jersey.

962
00:39:05,855 --> 00:39:07,855
It doesn't happen.
I'm sorry, honey.

963
00:39:07,939 --> 00:39:10,104
Poor father was two years away
from retiring.

964
00:39:10,188 --> 00:39:13,271
Now has to wave at people
at Walmart every other Sunday

965
00:39:13,355 --> 00:39:16,230
'cause you wanted a horse-drawn
carriage for two blocks.

966
00:39:16,313 --> 00:39:17,813
Fuck you.

967
00:39:22,146 --> 00:39:24,980
Oh, it's the worst.
It's a Ponzi scheme.

968
00:39:25,063 --> 00:39:26,939
You know, they send you
the save-the-date

969
00:39:27,021 --> 00:39:29,438
to try to make you feel
special... "We picked you."

970
00:39:29,521 --> 00:39:32,271
Fuck off. I don't want to go.
I'm not going.

971
00:39:32,355 --> 00:39:34,688
Did you get the save-the-date?
I did. It's in the garbage.

972
00:39:34,772 --> 00:39:37,188
I saw your face,
threw it in the trash.

973
00:39:37,271 --> 00:39:39,021
They get mad.
"That was a magnet!

974
00:39:39,104 --> 00:39:40,230
It goes on your fridge!"

975
00:39:40,313 --> 00:39:41,730
Not on my fridge.
I got a Samsung.

976
00:39:41,813 --> 00:39:43,813
Are you out of your mind?
That has crushed ice

977
00:39:43,897 --> 00:39:46,647
and a SodaStream built in.
Get the fuck out of here.

978
00:39:46,730 --> 00:39:49,563
I don't put my kids' homework
on that masterpiece,

979
00:39:49,647 --> 00:39:51,813
never mind your dumb faces
in black and white

980
00:39:51,897 --> 00:39:53,313
in front of hay, just...

981
00:39:53,396 --> 00:39:54,647
You live in Jersey City.

982
00:39:54,730 --> 00:39:56,980
Where'd you get hay?
You did a photo shoot?

983
00:39:57,063 --> 00:40:00,813
She's a barista!
You don't have the money!

984
00:40:00,897 --> 00:40:04,480
I love just his shirt blowing
in the wind the whole time.

985
00:40:04,563 --> 00:40:06,730
Yeah, it looks like Kingpin
addressing the...

986
00:40:06,813 --> 00:40:09,146
His shirt's like this. It's
like the back of a do-rag.

987
00:40:09,230 --> 00:40:10,647
It's just like, pssh!

988
00:40:10,730 --> 00:40:14,188
Bobby looks like Kingpin
trying to find Spider-Man.

989
00:40:14,271 --> 00:40:16,355
They always say the same thing.
"Ours is gonna be fun."

990
00:40:16,438 --> 00:40:17,980
"Ours is gonna be
the funnest wedding.

991
00:40:18,063 --> 00:40:19,647
It's gonna be the funnest
wedding you've ever been to."

992
00:40:19,730 --> 00:40:21,438
Is it at my house on Saturday?

993
00:40:21,521 --> 00:40:24,897
Am I naked in my recliner
with every remote I ever lost

994
00:40:24,980 --> 00:40:26,688
on my stomach?

995
00:40:26,772 --> 00:40:28,021
And I look in the driveway

996
00:40:28,104 --> 00:40:29,855
and my wife's car is
nowhere to be found?

997
00:40:29,939 --> 00:40:32,521
That's a fucking fun
Saturday to me.

998
00:40:32,605 --> 00:40:34,730
Not in a suit that doesn't fit
with a belt buckle

999
00:40:34,813 --> 00:40:38,063
trying to murder me for
an hour and a half in a church.

1000
00:40:39,772 --> 00:40:41,563
We got any Jews? Jews?

1001
00:40:42,897 --> 00:40:44,480
What's up? Mazel tov.

1002
00:40:44,563 --> 00:40:46,605
You can tell by the Lexus.

1003
00:40:50,188 --> 00:40:52,521
We got any Catholics?
Where's the Catholics?

1004
00:40:52,605 --> 00:40:54,647
Way in the back.

1005
00:40:54,730 --> 00:40:57,021
That's fucking racist.

1006
00:40:57,104 --> 00:40:58,355
Atheists, where you at?

1007
00:40:58,438 --> 00:41:00,021
You're probably all over
the place. Yeah, yeah.

1008
00:41:00,104 --> 00:41:03,772
Look at all those fucking
hybrid Toyotas blinking.

1009
00:41:06,063 --> 00:41:07,813
Alright!

1010
00:41:07,897 --> 00:41:10,855
Can I get a fucking
windshield wiper? Ba-pow!

1011
00:41:10,939 --> 00:41:13,438
Let me get a hazard.
Suck it!

1012
00:41:15,021 --> 00:41:16,897
You guys, thank you so much.
I'm Robert Kelly.

1013
00:41:16,980 --> 00:41:18,647
Have a great night. Take care.

1014
00:41:22,855 --> 00:41:25,438
I bombed at the De Niro birthday
many years ago.

1015
00:41:25,521 --> 00:41:28,063
Was it like a real hard bomb,
like true?

1016
00:41:28,146 --> 00:41:29,772
It was stunning.

1017
00:41:31,230 --> 00:41:33,563
No, I mean,
I've bombed a lot.

1018
00:41:33,647 --> 00:41:35,438
But what was specific
about the De Niro one?

1019
00:41:35,521 --> 00:41:37,563
This was in my top three
of all time.

1020
00:41:37,647 --> 00:41:40,521
- All time?
- And I've bombed 100 times.

1021
00:41:40,605 --> 00:41:44,438
At what point
did you feel the bomb?

1022
00:41:44,521 --> 00:41:45,772
No, I mean,
I couldn't even admit it

1023
00:41:45,855 --> 00:41:47,271
to myself
till like six minutes in,

1024
00:41:47,355 --> 00:41:49,355
but it was...
It was started very early.

1025
00:41:49,438 --> 00:41:50,772
Was De Niro just
looking at you?

1026
00:41:50,855 --> 00:41:51,980
All bombs start early,
right?

1027
00:41:52,063 --> 00:41:53,605
Bombs start in the first
30 seconds.

1028
00:41:53,688 --> 00:41:55,355
Yeah, you miss
and then you can never rebound.

1029
00:41:55,438 --> 00:41:57,647
And then it's you... and then
it's you treading water.

1030
00:41:57,730 --> 00:42:00,063
Either you can tread the water
or you drowned.

1031
00:42:00,146 --> 00:42:03,563
Yeah, folks. I mean, what can I
really say at this point?

1032
00:42:03,647 --> 00:42:05,521
You know, I, uh...

1033
00:42:05,605 --> 00:42:08,104
I, you know, corona...

1034
00:42:08,188 --> 00:42:10,146
what... you know,

1035
00:42:10,230 --> 00:42:11,647
it all started March.

1036
00:42:11,730 --> 00:42:14,271
It's never gonna end.
This is the end of society.

1037
00:42:14,355 --> 00:42:15,897
This is the end of the world.

1038
00:42:15,980 --> 00:42:17,605
You're gonna be living
in those cars

1039
00:42:17,688 --> 00:42:19,688
for the next 25 years.

1040
00:42:19,772 --> 00:42:22,688
And, started in March.

1041
00:42:22,772 --> 00:42:26,647
Don't touch your eyes.
Don't rub your face.

1042
00:42:26,730 --> 00:42:28,772
Don't... You have to wash
your hands constantly.

1043
00:42:28,855 --> 00:42:30,480
Who's head of the CDC?

1044
00:42:30,563 --> 00:42:32,146
Everybody's mother?

1045
00:42:33,939 --> 00:42:35,688
You know, folks,
not everything's edgy.

1046
00:42:35,772 --> 00:42:38,480
Sometimes a guy like me,

1047
00:42:38,563 --> 00:42:41,146
in his later years,
he likes to hit, like, a joke...

1048
00:42:41,230 --> 00:42:43,521
That joke would've worked
on Merv Griffin

1049
00:42:43,605 --> 00:42:45,188
if they had coronavirus
back then.

1050
00:42:45,271 --> 00:42:48,480
I'm not denying it wasn't
the wildest joke you ever heard,

1051
00:42:48,563 --> 00:42:50,271
but, you know,
I like to open soft

1052
00:42:50,355 --> 00:42:52,772
and work my way up.
I, um...

1053
00:42:52,855 --> 00:42:55,188
Thank you.

1054
00:42:57,563 --> 00:42:58,813
My thing is this...

1055
00:42:58,897 --> 00:43:01,772
I blame the coronavirus
on nerds.

1056
00:43:01,855 --> 00:43:04,980
Because before computers,

1057
00:43:05,063 --> 00:43:07,980
all nerds did
was work on medical things.

1058
00:43:08,063 --> 00:43:12,188
Their whole life was looking
through microscopes at slides.

1059
00:43:12,271 --> 00:43:14,855
And then computers came along,
and suddenly,

1060
00:43:14,939 --> 00:43:18,188
nerds became popular
and they didn't go into medical.

1061
00:43:18,271 --> 00:43:22,063
Medical is like the third rung
of intelligent people.

1062
00:43:22,146 --> 00:43:25,480
And nerd culture was only
supposed to work in hospitals,

1063
00:43:25,563 --> 00:43:27,230
in medical situations.

1064
00:43:27,313 --> 00:43:28,855
They're supposed to
cure diseases.

1065
00:43:28,939 --> 00:43:33,688
There's not supposed to be
bands with glasses.

1066
00:43:33,772 --> 00:43:36,480
Mick Jagger didn't wear glasses.

1067
00:43:36,563 --> 00:43:41,104
Bruce Springsteen didn't have
a fucking pocket protector.

1068
00:43:41,188 --> 00:43:44,688
Buddy Holly was the only guy
in a band that wore glasses,

1069
00:43:44,772 --> 00:43:47,355
and God killed him pretty early
because...

1070
00:43:50,647 --> 00:43:53,605
Big Bopper fan.
Anyway, um...

1071
00:43:55,647 --> 00:43:58,730
And, uh...

1072
00:43:58,813 --> 00:44:01,146
I'll tell you who's back
being essential...

1073
00:44:01,230 --> 00:44:02,939
Lab rats. Lab rats.

1074
00:44:03,021 --> 00:44:04,480
You didn't hear
about them a lot,

1075
00:44:04,563 --> 00:44:06,230
'cause a lot of them
got laid off

1076
00:44:06,313 --> 00:44:11,063
'cause of the makeup scandals
back in the early '90s.

1077
00:44:11,146 --> 00:44:13,021
And now they're like,
"Yeah, I got called in."

1078
00:44:13,104 --> 00:44:15,230
I don't know, I was there.

1079
00:44:15,313 --> 00:44:16,772
Yeah.
I mean, I was sitting home,

1080
00:44:16,855 --> 00:44:19,063
and you know, I've been off
for the past three months

1081
00:44:19,146 --> 00:44:22,188
'cause I had a bad reaction
to some kind of antidepressant.

1082
00:44:22,271 --> 00:44:24,730
But they called me in 'cause
some asshole ate a fucking bat

1083
00:44:24,813 --> 00:44:26,897
"in China, I don't know."

1084
00:44:28,313 --> 00:44:30,605
Well, I didn't say
my lab rat impression

1085
00:44:30,688 --> 00:44:32,480
was the stuff of great...

1086
00:44:33,855 --> 00:44:36,605
Wasn't a Richard Pryor
character, you know.

1087
00:44:36,688 --> 00:44:39,563
It's a fucking lab rat.
What do you want out of me?

1088
00:44:39,647 --> 00:44:42,855
Haven't been onstage
in six months.

1089
00:44:43,980 --> 00:44:46,980
At least corona gives us
an excuse.

1090
00:44:47,063 --> 00:44:49,188
If the apocalypse...
If we die...

1091
00:44:49,271 --> 00:44:51,647
I was so... It would be
so humiliating

1092
00:44:51,730 --> 00:44:53,772
to die in the apocalypse

1093
00:44:53,855 --> 00:44:55,855
and then we go to heaven and
people are like, "What the fuck?"

1094
00:44:55,939 --> 00:44:58,271
And we're like, "Yeah, we just
started arguing on social media"

1095
00:44:58,355 --> 00:45:01,271
and shit get out of control."
At least this way, we can go,

1096
00:45:01,355 --> 00:45:06,104
"No, fucking God decided
to ground us for some reason,

1097
00:45:06,188 --> 00:45:08,605
and he put this corona,
and that just set us off."

1098
00:45:08,688 --> 00:45:10,438
At least we have
an external reason,

1099
00:45:10,521 --> 00:45:13,980
instead of just people fighting
all the time on social media.

1100
00:45:14,063 --> 00:45:16,480
Because here's what I realized
about social media.

1101
00:45:16,563 --> 00:45:20,104
Why it destroyed this country
is 'cause we're not meant

1102
00:45:20,188 --> 00:45:22,897
to be having these political,
intelligent discussions.

1103
00:45:22,980 --> 00:45:24,647
We're not
the intelligent country.

1104
00:45:24,730 --> 00:45:28,813
We're, like, the enthusiastic,
outdoorsy kind of country.

1105
00:45:28,897 --> 00:45:30,313
Like England, France...

1106
00:45:30,396 --> 00:45:32,146
They were, like,
intellectual, political.

1107
00:45:32,230 --> 00:45:34,813
We're not meant to be getting
into these deep thoughts,

1108
00:45:34,897 --> 00:45:37,772
you know what I mean?
We're like salesmen and farmers.

1109
00:45:37,855 --> 00:45:39,355
That's what we're good at.

1110
00:45:39,438 --> 00:45:42,104
And we... you know, now look
at us, you know what I mean?

1111
00:45:42,188 --> 00:45:46,813
I feel like, in this world,
either we end apocalyptic

1112
00:45:46,897 --> 00:45:48,980
or we get invaded by aliens,

1113
00:45:49,063 --> 00:45:50,438
which everyone's always
worried about that

1114
00:45:50,521 --> 00:45:52,438
because they're like,
aliens will come down

1115
00:45:52,521 --> 00:45:56,021
and they'll be this superior,
these genius people,

1116
00:45:56,104 --> 00:45:59,313
and they'll take us over
and make us their slaves.

1117
00:45:59,396 --> 00:46:01,438
Yeah, just as scary...

1118
00:46:01,521 --> 00:46:03,104
What if they come

1119
00:46:03,188 --> 00:46:04,813
and they're dumb?

1120
00:46:04,897 --> 00:46:06,730
What if aliens show up

1121
00:46:06,813 --> 00:46:10,355
and they just...
They're fans of ours,

1122
00:46:10,438 --> 00:46:11,980
and they just came down here

1123
00:46:12,063 --> 00:46:15,355
'cause it was on their
bucket list to visit Earth,

1124
00:46:15,438 --> 00:46:17,521
and they've been watching us
on YouTube.

1125
00:46:17,605 --> 00:46:19,355
And they're like
eight years behind,

1126
00:46:19,438 --> 00:46:21,230
and they're saying, like,
"amaze balls"

1127
00:46:21,313 --> 00:46:23,104
and "awesome sauce."

1128
00:46:23,188 --> 00:46:25,855
Like, "Hey, do shots!
Do duck lips!"

1129
00:46:25,939 --> 00:46:27,855
And we're like...

1130
00:46:29,480 --> 00:46:31,104
So, I get...

1131
00:46:31,188 --> 00:46:32,813
Thank you.

1132
00:46:35,146 --> 00:46:36,396
Alright, you guys.

1133
00:46:36,480 --> 00:46:38,688
Thank you very much
for coming out tonight.

1134
00:46:38,772 --> 00:46:41,063
Thank you for staying
through the show.

1135
00:46:42,230 --> 00:46:45,063
Thank you! Thank you!

1136
00:46:47,480 --> 00:46:50,563
Thank you, guys. Ah!

1137
00:46:50,647 --> 00:46:53,688
Let's bring out everybody
who was on the show.

1138
00:46:53,772 --> 00:46:55,188
Come on out.

1139
00:46:55,271 --> 00:46:58,188
We can do this show,
but it's not sustainable,

1140
00:46:58,271 --> 00:46:59,563
because we need the audience

1141
00:46:59,647 --> 00:47:01,730
more than any other
performing art.

1142
00:47:01,813 --> 00:47:03,021
Because if you are rambling

1143
00:47:03,104 --> 00:47:04,897
and not getting to
the humorous part,

1144
00:47:04,980 --> 00:47:07,021
you feel the boredom
and impatience.

1145
00:47:07,104 --> 00:47:08,730
So it helps you
rewrite and edit,

1146
00:47:08,813 --> 00:47:10,939
which is part of joke writing.

1147
00:47:11,021 --> 00:47:13,813
Also, the tension of the silence
between laughs

1148
00:47:13,897 --> 00:47:15,813
is a necessary part of comedy.

1149
00:47:15,897 --> 00:47:18,563
It's got to have a build,
or there's no release.

1150
00:47:18,647 --> 00:47:20,104
Without the joke,
it's like listening

1151
00:47:20,188 --> 00:47:21,813
to what I'm saying right now...

1152
00:47:21,897 --> 00:47:23,230
Boring.

1153
00:47:23,313 --> 00:47:26,271
So cars cannot be
the new comedy club for long,

1154
00:47:26,355 --> 00:47:28,313
because it'll get old fast.

1155
00:47:28,396 --> 00:47:30,939
Redneck jokes
if you're in a pickup,

1156
00:47:31,021 --> 00:47:32,730
douche jokes
if you're in a Range Rover,

1157
00:47:32,813 --> 00:47:35,146
dentist jokes for BMW.

1158
00:47:35,230 --> 00:47:37,063
F-250 with a high lift
will be like

1159
00:47:37,146 --> 00:47:39,271
the guy in the audience
who's a troublemaker.

1160
00:47:39,355 --> 00:47:42,939
I just want to say
that I went on in the daylight

1161
00:47:43,021 --> 00:47:45,688
and a lot of the things,
the honking and all that

1162
00:47:45,772 --> 00:47:47,271
that you guys were doing,
wasn't for my set,

1163
00:47:47,355 --> 00:47:49,021
so if you see it on TV.
I didn't bomb.

1164
00:47:49,104 --> 00:47:52,313
It's just the show didn't really
start until the second comic.

1165
00:47:52,396 --> 00:47:54,772
So if this ends up
being my last hurrah,

1166
00:47:54,855 --> 00:47:57,939
as Rich Vos so rudely
pointed out is a possibility,

1167
00:47:58,063 --> 00:48:00,730
at least I left
with my friends...

1168
00:48:00,813 --> 00:48:02,605
Ungrateful, self-centered,

1169
00:48:02,688 --> 00:48:04,480
irritable, know-it-all bastards.

1170
00:48:04,563 --> 00:48:06,772
Guys, thank you. I can't promise
you're gonna make the cut,

1171
00:48:06,855 --> 00:48:08,146
- but thank you all.
- What?!

1172
00:48:08,230 --> 00:48:10,230
Get all of this.
This is gonna be...

1173
00:48:10,313 --> 00:48:12,897
You know what this is gonna be?

1174
00:48:12,980 --> 00:48:14,730
This is gonna be
over the credits.

1175
00:48:14,813 --> 00:48:16,521
When people are watching
a masterpiece...

1176
00:48:16,605 --> 00:48:18,355
They've been watching it
and it keeps stopping

1177
00:48:18,438 --> 00:48:19,897
because their Internet
isn't working.

1178
00:48:19,980 --> 00:48:23,396
I want to know if there's a way
we can film...

1179
00:48:23,480 --> 00:48:25,230
Without him knowing...
Vos' conversation

1180
00:48:25,313 --> 00:48:27,021
on the way home, telling Bonnie,
"I mean, I killed.

1181
00:48:27,104 --> 00:48:28,480
You did good, too,

1182
00:48:28,563 --> 00:48:30,230
but I kind of killed
the whole show."

1183
00:48:30,313 --> 00:48:32,146
You know you'll be bragging.

1184
00:48:32,230 --> 00:48:34,980
No, I'm gonna e...
I'm gonna email her that.