1
00:00:40,600 --> 00:00:43,039
Job in a pub? It's like
you're trying to kill me.

2
00:00:43,040 --> 00:00:44,799
Bloody hell, what's happened to you?

3
00:00:44,800 --> 00:00:47,999
What do you mean?
The glasses, the earring.

4
00:00:48,000 --> 00:00:50,559
I'm just trying something different,
that's all.

5
00:00:50,560 --> 00:00:52,759
What, a full breakdown?

6
00:00:52,760 --> 00:00:54,479
Oh, I'm winding you up.

7
00:00:54,480 --> 00:00:57,399
No, I think it's great, what this
new girl's managed to do.

8
00:00:57,400 --> 00:01:00,359
Changed in five weeks what others
couldn't in 50 years.

9
00:01:00,360 --> 00:01:03,519
Well... You must really like her.

10
00:01:03,520 --> 00:01:05,720
Are they even prescription?
Yeah, of course they are.

11
00:01:07,760 --> 00:01:10,159
Look, I'm sorry.

12
00:01:10,160 --> 00:01:12,999
I know you and I were going to go
for a drink, weren't we?

13
00:01:13,000 --> 00:01:15,679
Oh, yeah. Don't you worry about me.

14
00:01:15,680 --> 00:01:17,839
I'm benefiting from this new woman.

15
00:01:17,840 --> 00:01:19,999
There's loads more naan breads
left at curry night

16
00:01:20,000 --> 00:01:23,199
now you're not down The White Horse
every Friday night.

17
00:01:23,200 --> 00:01:25,759
Right. She's not really
a down-the-pub sort of girl.

18
00:01:25,760 --> 00:01:29,040
And who in their right mind
would want one of them, Wicky?

19
00:01:31,600 --> 00:01:34,159
So, erm... What happened here?

20
00:01:34,160 --> 00:01:36,679
Oh, actually, it's pretty gruesome.

21
00:01:36,680 --> 00:01:38,839
Young bloke died in a fight.

22
00:01:38,840 --> 00:01:41,359
It started off as a brawl,
but then a knife got pulled.

23
00:01:41,360 --> 00:01:44,719
Bar manager's around, though. I'll
let him fill you in on the details.

24
00:01:44,720 --> 00:01:46,479
MAN: Oi!

25
00:01:46,480 --> 00:01:48,880
I'm not the bar manager.

26
00:01:49,880 --> 00:01:53,119
He was. Bloody hell, have you been
there the whole time?

27
00:01:53,120 --> 00:01:55,559
Yeah. You're better at sneaking up
than you look.

28
00:01:55,560 --> 00:01:57,919
You don't look like a sneaker.
No offence.

29
00:01:57,920 --> 00:01:59,960
HE GROWLS

30
00:02:01,720 --> 00:02:04,360
Wish me luck. Good luck, Wicky.

31
00:02:21,440 --> 00:02:23,839
MAN: It was here.

32
00:02:23,840 --> 00:02:25,879
Whereabouts?

33
00:02:25,880 --> 00:02:27,520
Kidding.

34
00:02:29,080 --> 00:02:31,799
He had a fight, now he's dead.

35
00:02:31,800 --> 00:02:33,839
I'm sorry. Sorry for your loss.

36
00:02:33,840 --> 00:02:36,639
The loss of your... Oh.

37
00:02:36,640 --> 00:02:39,359
The loss of your boss.
MAN GROWLS

38
00:02:39,360 --> 00:02:42,119
Jacko. Oh, was that his name?

39
00:02:42,120 --> 00:02:46,039
His real name was Michael,
but everyone called him Jacko.

40
00:02:46,040 --> 00:02:48,639
Don't ask me why. I won't.

41
00:02:48,640 --> 00:02:50,879
Hee-hee!

42
00:02:50,880 --> 00:02:53,599
What was that? It was inappropriate.

43
00:02:53,600 --> 00:02:55,640
I make jokes when I'm frightened.

44
00:02:57,160 --> 00:02:59,319
Do you know? It's funny. I, er...

45
00:02:59,320 --> 00:03:01,439
I'm trying to give up the booze
at the moment,

46
00:03:01,440 --> 00:03:04,399
and I thought it'd be hard being
in a pub, but I feel all right.

47
00:03:04,400 --> 00:03:06,079
He was only 28.

48
00:03:06,080 --> 00:03:08,120
He bled to death. Yeah.

49
00:03:09,440 --> 00:03:12,839
That is... That is sad.
Not sad for him.

50
00:03:12,840 --> 00:03:14,879
He's gone.

51
00:03:14,880 --> 00:03:16,920
Sad for her.

52
00:03:18,000 --> 00:03:20,039
I need to work. Yeah.

53
00:03:20,040 --> 00:03:23,200
I'll be back here... Yeah, OK.
..setting up.

54
00:03:24,360 --> 00:03:26,719
Setting up? Setting up for what?

55
00:03:26,720 --> 00:03:28,799
Match day.

56
00:03:28,800 --> 00:03:31,559
What, you're actually opening?
MAN GROWLS

57
00:03:31,560 --> 00:03:34,519
OK. Well, I probably need about
six hours for this.

58
00:03:34,520 --> 00:03:37,519
It's a business. We open in five.

59
00:03:37,520 --> 00:03:40,319
All right. Well, I'll try and do it
in five. We open in five!

60
00:03:40,320 --> 00:03:41,960
Yeah, that's fine, all right.

61
00:03:47,160 --> 00:03:49,440
Cheeky bastard.

62
00:03:57,280 --> 00:03:59,320
Here we go.

63
00:04:08,120 --> 00:04:09,840
Hello, you beauty.

64
00:04:18,640 --> 00:04:20,999
Oh, lovely action.

65
00:04:21,000 --> 00:04:24,520
MUSIC: Bring Your Daughter To
The Slaughter by Iron Maiden

66
00:04:27,240 --> 00:04:30,359
# Bring your daughter
Bring your daughter

67
00:04:30,360 --> 00:04:33,559
# To the slaughter

68
00:04:33,560 --> 00:04:36,759
# Let her go
Let her go

69
00:04:36,760 --> 00:04:38,400
# Let her go

70
00:04:39,880 --> 00:04:43,119
# Bring your daughter
Bring your daughter

71
00:04:43,120 --> 00:04:46,319
# To the slaughter

72
00:04:46,320 --> 00:04:49,999
# Let her go
Let her go... #

73
00:04:50,000 --> 00:04:51,640
Good morning.

74
00:04:52,640 --> 00:04:54,679
Oh, er...

75
00:04:54,680 --> 00:04:57,799
No, no, no. It won't go off!

76
00:04:57,800 --> 00:05:00,399
Off, off, off, off, off, off,
off, off! Argh!

77
00:05:00,400 --> 00:05:03,319
MUSIC STOPS
Having a nice time?

78
00:05:03,320 --> 00:05:06,439
Sorry. I'm from Lausen Cleaners.
I'm here to...

79
00:05:06,440 --> 00:05:08,639
Have a good time instead of
working, it seems.

80
00:05:08,640 --> 00:05:11,679
Oh, that? Oh, no, that started
playing on its own.

81
00:05:11,680 --> 00:05:14,039
I think the place is haunted.

82
00:05:14,040 --> 00:05:16,720
Not by him. He won't be a ghost
yet. Probably by a...

83
00:05:17,880 --> 00:05:20,199
..pirate? Sorry, who are you?

84
00:05:20,200 --> 00:05:22,039
Lisa Smith.

85
00:05:22,040 --> 00:05:24,799
Like on the board above the door.

86
00:05:24,800 --> 00:05:28,319
Oh! Sorry, I just presumed
the big fellow was...

87
00:05:28,320 --> 00:05:30,439
Yeah, why would a lady run the gaff?

88
00:05:30,440 --> 00:05:32,359
We're too delicate.

89
00:05:32,360 --> 00:05:34,640
Sorry. I'm Wicky. I'm...

90
00:05:35,720 --> 00:05:38,599
I'm here to, erm...

91
00:05:38,600 --> 00:05:41,559
The cleaner. Yeah, I gathered.

92
00:05:41,560 --> 00:05:43,679
Getting ready for the match, Lisa.

93
00:05:43,680 --> 00:05:46,239
Good, Cuddle. Thank you for that.

94
00:05:46,240 --> 00:05:48,440
Double bourbon, please.

95
00:05:51,240 --> 00:05:52,919
Cuddle? Yeah.

96
00:05:52,920 --> 00:05:54,799
Got a problem with that? No.

97
00:05:54,800 --> 00:05:57,759
I just think it's a bit of a funny
name for someone who I felt,

98
00:05:57,760 --> 00:05:59,439
and I hope this doesn't seem crass,

99
00:05:59,440 --> 00:06:01,279
might, with the slightest
provocation,

100
00:06:01,280 --> 00:06:03,320
pull my whole skeleton
out of my bum hole.

101
00:06:04,440 --> 00:06:07,879
You're very quick to judge,
aren't you, cleaner man?

102
00:06:07,880 --> 00:06:10,359
You'll fit in well here.

103
00:06:10,360 --> 00:06:12,400
Do you want a beer?

104
00:06:13,320 --> 00:06:15,719
I-I'm at work. Yeah.

105
00:06:15,720 --> 00:06:17,800
I'm about to do my accounts.

106
00:06:19,360 --> 00:06:23,359
No. No, I can't. I promised my new
girlfriend.

107
00:06:23,360 --> 00:06:25,440
Things we do for love, eh?

108
00:06:27,760 --> 00:06:30,159
He had to go and act like a
big shot.

109
00:06:30,160 --> 00:06:32,759
Now I've lost my bar manager.

110
00:06:32,760 --> 00:06:34,600
Yeah. And he...

111
00:06:36,480 --> 00:06:39,119
..weirdly lost both ears.

112
00:06:39,120 --> 00:06:42,359
I also lost my lover. What?

113
00:06:42,360 --> 00:06:45,479
Er, he was only 28, though.
That's too young for you...

114
00:06:45,480 --> 00:06:47,759
I mean, for him to die.

115
00:06:47,760 --> 00:06:50,159
Not for anything else.
I'm sure he was...

116
00:06:50,160 --> 00:06:52,479
What was he, nice to kiss?
Of course he was.

117
00:06:52,480 --> 00:06:54,759
What are you on about? Come on!

118
00:06:54,760 --> 00:06:57,159
I mean, he lost both ears.

119
00:06:57,160 --> 00:06:59,999
Lose one ear, call me careless.
Lose both ears,

120
00:07:00,000 --> 00:07:02,360
maybe I don't want ears.

121
00:07:04,760 --> 00:07:06,800
Oh, my God.

122
00:07:11,960 --> 00:07:14,000
You ready for that pint?
Yes, please.

123
00:07:17,640 --> 00:07:19,719
Mmm. Mmm.

124
00:07:19,720 --> 00:07:21,399
Oh, God.

125
00:07:21,400 --> 00:07:24,239
Any chance you're going to do any
cleaning in the near future,

126
00:07:24,240 --> 00:07:26,280
cleaner man? Make your mind up.

127
00:07:47,160 --> 00:07:49,799
I know what you're thinking.

128
00:07:49,800 --> 00:07:53,159
"What did a 28-year-old want
with that old boot?"

129
00:07:53,160 --> 00:07:56,159
I was not thinking that.

130
00:07:56,160 --> 00:07:59,439
Come on. You can't be more than...

131
00:07:59,440 --> 00:08:02,919
What? Si...Si...

132
00:08:02,920 --> 00:08:06,799
Fifty...f...two?

133
00:08:06,800 --> 00:08:09,079
Thirty...

134
00:08:09,080 --> 00:08:12,559
Thir...Thirty...fi...

135
00:08:12,560 --> 00:08:14,639
..five? Can you?

136
00:08:14,640 --> 00:08:16,439
Oh, come on, be honest.

137
00:08:16,440 --> 00:08:18,719
Lies stink the bar out.

138
00:08:18,720 --> 00:08:21,999
All right, maybe I was wondering it
a bit. Not that it matters.

139
00:08:22,000 --> 00:08:25,160
Love is love. My uncle's girlfriend,
he...

140
00:08:26,800 --> 00:08:29,200
Actually, that is a bad example.
He was arrested, but...

141
00:08:31,160 --> 00:08:34,279
So, what do you think he wanted
with me, cleaner man?

142
00:08:34,280 --> 00:08:36,359
Relaxed company, someone to
chill with.

143
00:08:36,360 --> 00:08:38,639
Kickbacks. Quid pro quo.

144
00:08:38,640 --> 00:08:41,319
Why else would a man that age
be with me?

145
00:08:41,320 --> 00:08:44,479
What? Every relationship is a deal.

146
00:08:44,480 --> 00:08:46,799
And the sooner you realise that,
the better.

147
00:08:46,800 --> 00:08:49,559
Do you think this new girl
who's stopping you drinking

148
00:08:49,560 --> 00:08:53,439
is in it for your good looks,
Robert Redford?

149
00:08:53,440 --> 00:08:56,359
She's got a name. Her name's Jules.

150
00:08:56,360 --> 00:08:59,439
And I've got no money,
so that's your theory buggered.

151
00:08:59,440 --> 00:09:01,920
Not every transaction is financial.

152
00:09:19,160 --> 00:09:20,799
Do you know what, Cuddle?

153
00:09:20,800 --> 00:09:22,959
You don't really need to hold it,
it's not that high.

154
00:09:22,960 --> 00:09:25,639
He's just trying to avoid another
tragedy.

155
00:09:25,640 --> 00:09:28,360
Cuddle, check the pork scratchings,
there's a love.

156
00:09:31,040 --> 00:09:34,319
So, how did you meet him,
old, er...? Jacko.

157
00:09:34,320 --> 00:09:36,679
When I was visiting my dad
in prison.

158
00:09:36,680 --> 00:09:39,519
He was in the next-door cell,
doing a two-year stretch.

159
00:09:39,520 --> 00:09:41,919
Next thing I know, he's on my
doorstep, says he's got out

160
00:09:41,920 --> 00:09:44,759
and he wants to tell me in person
that my old man was dead.

161
00:09:44,760 --> 00:09:47,559
Oh. Oh, well, sorry.

162
00:09:47,560 --> 00:09:51,159
Don't be. He was a horrible father.
Brilliant fraudster, though.

163
00:09:51,160 --> 00:09:53,479
They called him The Raisin. Oh?

164
00:09:53,480 --> 00:09:55,520
Could dry you out completely.

165
00:09:57,560 --> 00:09:59,919
So, would The Vampire not have been
better?

166
00:09:59,920 --> 00:10:01,879
None of this matters. Go on.

167
00:10:01,880 --> 00:10:05,159
This is Jacko.

168
00:10:05,160 --> 00:10:07,919
What a hunk! See what I mean?
I fancy him myself.

169
00:10:07,920 --> 00:10:09,439
Hard to resist.

170
00:10:09,440 --> 00:10:12,319
Scam artist or not. What makes you
think he's a scam artist?

171
00:10:12,320 --> 00:10:14,919
What, turning up at a pub
owned by a knackered old woman

172
00:10:14,920 --> 00:10:16,599
and seducing her?

173
00:10:16,600 --> 00:10:19,639
Oh. Anyway, it worked out well
in the end.

174
00:10:19,640 --> 00:10:23,839
I got my bit of eye candy,
someone to run the bar for me.

175
00:10:23,840 --> 00:10:25,999
He knew he'd get the business
in the end.

176
00:10:26,000 --> 00:10:29,079
It's just that the poor bugger went
and snuffed it first.

177
00:10:29,080 --> 00:10:31,879
Yeah. What? I don't know.

178
00:10:31,880 --> 00:10:34,159
It just feels a bit cold.

179
00:10:34,160 --> 00:10:36,320
Pfft. Maybe I'm an old romantic,
you know, but...

180
00:10:38,440 --> 00:10:41,600
Hey, it's none of my business.
I better get on.

181
00:10:43,680 --> 00:10:45,839
All I'm saying is, I think it's
a bit odd

182
00:10:45,840 --> 00:10:48,479
that you've never considered
love might be involved.

183
00:10:48,480 --> 00:10:50,520
Are you in love, then, Wicky?

184
00:10:51,920 --> 00:10:54,079
I'd like to be.

185
00:10:54,080 --> 00:10:56,119
I don't know how she feels, but...

186
00:10:56,120 --> 00:10:58,239
..it's what I want, yeah. Oh.

187
00:10:58,240 --> 00:11:01,439
Love's just another transaction.
It's give and take, innit?

188
00:11:01,440 --> 00:11:04,080
Yeah, and everyone tries to take
more than they give.

189
00:11:07,280 --> 00:11:10,719
Have you never just loved someone
for the sake of it?

190
00:11:10,720 --> 00:11:12,159
Nah.

191
00:11:12,160 --> 00:11:14,280
Everything's easier when love
isn't involved.

192
00:11:15,960 --> 00:11:18,000
Sex included.

193
00:11:24,560 --> 00:11:27,359
I don't want us to have sex.

194
00:11:27,360 --> 00:11:29,239
I wasn't offering. Oh, thank God.

195
00:11:29,240 --> 00:11:31,639
Lisa. Right on cue.

196
00:11:31,640 --> 00:11:35,679
What is it? Erm, well...

197
00:11:35,680 --> 00:11:37,320
Well...

198
00:11:38,960 --> 00:11:40,679
I...

199
00:11:40,680 --> 00:11:42,760
I need to get some stuff from
the van.

200
00:11:48,080 --> 00:11:50,480
So, erm, I'm not very good at this.
Erm...

201
00:11:58,800 --> 00:12:01,600
Jacko really did like you.

202
00:12:03,240 --> 00:12:06,679
He wanted to book a trip to the
Bahamas.

203
00:12:06,680 --> 00:12:08,999
It was going to be a surprise.

204
00:12:09,000 --> 00:12:11,160
He showed me this brochure.

205
00:12:12,600 --> 00:12:16,199
"We need to take you on the
honeymoon you never got to have",

206
00:12:16,200 --> 00:12:20,800
he said. "The one you deserved."
Just thought you should know.

207
00:12:22,840 --> 00:12:26,080
And, Lisa, I-I just wanted to say
that, erm...

208
00:12:30,760 --> 00:12:32,799
..all the glasses are nearly cleaned

209
00:12:32,800 --> 00:12:35,839
and there's plenty of bottles of
IPA.

210
00:12:35,840 --> 00:12:37,680
Thanks, Cuddle.

211
00:12:49,040 --> 00:12:51,839
Weren't joking, were they,
Raisin Face?

212
00:12:51,840 --> 00:12:53,720
God in heaven.

213
00:12:54,800 --> 00:12:57,239
500 quid for a simple coffin.

214
00:12:57,240 --> 00:13:03,959
£6,450 for a silk-lined mahogany
casket.

215
00:13:03,960 --> 00:13:05,799
Who are they trying to kid?

216
00:13:05,800 --> 00:13:07,999
A coffin's just a people bin.

217
00:13:08,000 --> 00:13:10,639
Well, probably just want to give
someone a nice send-off.

218
00:13:10,640 --> 00:13:13,399
Where to? Get one that's made out
of chipboard.

219
00:13:13,400 --> 00:13:16,519
Bit of veneer, lovely bit of velvet.
Huh.

220
00:13:16,520 --> 00:13:18,560
PHONE RINGS

221
00:13:22,000 --> 00:13:26,639
Well, if it isn't the most beautiful
girl in the whole world.

222
00:13:26,640 --> 00:13:30,159
What's she doing talking to me?

223
00:13:30,160 --> 00:13:32,200
Yeah, no, no, I'm looking forward
to it.

224
00:13:33,680 --> 00:13:35,519
Oh.

225
00:13:35,520 --> 00:13:36,999
No, no.

226
00:13:37,000 --> 00:13:38,439
That's fine.

227
00:13:38,440 --> 00:13:40,959
Listen, if it can't be avoided,
it can't be avoided.

228
00:13:40,960 --> 00:13:42,880
Yeah. I'll give you a ring.

229
00:13:44,680 --> 00:13:46,959
You'll give me a ring.

230
00:13:46,960 --> 00:13:48,600
All right, then. B...

231
00:14:04,920 --> 00:14:07,559
Problems? No, she's just busy.

232
00:14:07,560 --> 00:14:11,199
Oh, dear. The power of blossoming
love not quite enough, was it?

233
00:14:11,200 --> 00:14:13,480
She's just remembered a thing
she's got on, that's all.

234
00:14:16,160 --> 00:14:18,519
Yeah, I bet. What do you mean
by that?

235
00:14:18,520 --> 00:14:20,439
What, she just remembered a thing
she had on

236
00:14:20,440 --> 00:14:23,079
with a bigger bank balance?

237
00:14:23,080 --> 00:14:25,599
I wonder what the thing's name is.

238
00:14:25,600 --> 00:14:28,039
I wonder what kind of car
the thing drives.

239
00:14:28,040 --> 00:14:30,359
My God, it must be exhausting
being you.

240
00:14:30,360 --> 00:14:32,039
Look, just face it.

241
00:14:32,040 --> 00:14:34,279
She's never going to end up with
a cleaner.

242
00:14:34,280 --> 00:14:37,680
I am a crime scene cleaner!

243
00:14:58,400 --> 00:15:00,320
Hey. Hey.

244
00:15:01,360 --> 00:15:03,559
Hey, hey, hey, hey.

245
00:15:03,560 --> 00:15:05,800
Hey, hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

246
00:15:08,400 --> 00:15:10,040
No!

247
00:15:11,440 --> 00:15:13,480
THUD

248
00:15:14,520 --> 00:15:16,839
Now what are they going to drink?

249
00:15:16,840 --> 00:15:19,199
Yes, I do apologise, Cuddle.

250
00:15:19,200 --> 00:15:20,799
Argh! Do you think you could take

251
00:15:20,800 --> 00:15:23,239
just a little bit of your weight
off my head?

252
00:15:23,240 --> 00:15:24,919
Keep him down there, Cuddle.

253
00:15:24,920 --> 00:15:28,799
Oh, but there's something down here.
He's just trying to get out of this.

254
00:15:28,800 --> 00:15:32,399
I'm not trying to get out of this,
I love this.

255
00:15:32,400 --> 00:15:34,600
Honestly, you're going to want to
take a look.

256
00:15:35,760 --> 00:15:37,999
WICKY GRUNTS

257
00:15:38,000 --> 00:15:39,640
Oh, yeah.

258
00:15:44,040 --> 00:15:46,679
Someone must have lost it. Lost it?

259
00:15:46,680 --> 00:15:48,839
It was stashed under a pool table.

260
00:15:48,840 --> 00:15:50,879
Maybe they hid it there when
the fight started.

261
00:15:50,880 --> 00:15:54,479
No knowing now, is there? Yeah.
Well, we'd better report it.

262
00:15:54,480 --> 00:15:56,520
LISA AND CUDDLE LAUGH

263
00:16:04,040 --> 00:16:07,639
It's not right. Who hides money
under a pool table?

264
00:16:07,640 --> 00:16:09,479
Well, it doesn't matter now,
does it?

265
00:16:09,480 --> 00:16:12,679
Maybe it's the reason the fight
broke out in the first place. Ah!

266
00:16:12,680 --> 00:16:15,279
Maybe Jacko was mixed up
in something dodgy.

267
00:16:15,280 --> 00:16:17,679
Not the first time that sentence
has been bandied about.

268
00:16:17,680 --> 00:16:19,560
Shamon!

269
00:16:21,720 --> 00:16:24,119
Well, anyway, there's no way of
knowing now.

270
00:16:24,120 --> 00:16:26,159
Nice little windfall, though.

271
00:16:26,160 --> 00:16:29,359
You... You can't keep it, we've got
to go to the police.

272
00:16:29,360 --> 00:16:31,999
Oh, what, so they can have an extra
piss-up at the station?

273
00:16:32,000 --> 00:16:34,599
I don't think so. None of
the coppers I know are bent.

274
00:16:34,600 --> 00:16:37,199
No, because you live
in a Richard Curtis film,

275
00:16:37,200 --> 00:16:39,559
don't you, Babyface? No, I do not.

276
00:16:39,560 --> 00:16:41,399
Not that there's anything wrong
with that.

277
00:16:41,400 --> 00:16:43,399
Notting Hill? Top five films for me.

278
00:16:43,400 --> 00:16:46,079
Just a girl standing in front of
a boy asking to be loved.

279
00:16:46,080 --> 00:16:48,840
Count me in, Roberts,
you sausage-lipped prozzie.

280
00:16:50,080 --> 00:16:53,039
I like documentaries.

281
00:16:53,040 --> 00:16:55,319
Oh, each to his own, Cuddle.

282
00:16:55,320 --> 00:16:58,239
CUDDLE GROWLS

283
00:16:58,240 --> 00:17:00,280
You can't keep it!

284
00:17:03,640 --> 00:17:07,319
It's none of my business, I suppose.
No, you suppose right. Right.

285
00:17:07,320 --> 00:17:09,960
Well, I'm pretty much finished.
I'll, er...

286
00:17:11,040 --> 00:17:13,080
I'll get going. Oh, no, you won't.

287
00:17:16,120 --> 00:17:17,760
Ah!

288
00:17:37,600 --> 00:17:39,639
WICKY GROANS

289
00:17:39,640 --> 00:17:41,359
Hard work doesn't suit you.

290
00:17:41,360 --> 00:17:43,559
Yeah, well, I'd like to remind you,
this isn't my work.

291
00:17:43,560 --> 00:17:45,999
You should have kept quiet about
the money when you seen it.

292
00:17:46,000 --> 00:17:47,839
Gone back later and nicked it
for yourself.

293
00:17:47,840 --> 00:17:51,079
I bet you'd be getting ready for
that date now if you had all this.

294
00:17:51,080 --> 00:17:53,759
Nah. She's just not into me.

295
00:17:53,760 --> 00:17:55,560
You need a plan.

296
00:18:02,640 --> 00:18:05,199
Got to make a grand gesture.

297
00:18:05,200 --> 00:18:07,559
Been there, done that.
What did you do?

298
00:18:07,560 --> 00:18:09,599
I wrote her a song.

299
00:18:09,600 --> 00:18:11,640
Well, I sang a song.

300
00:18:12,840 --> 00:18:15,039
I mimed along to someone else's
song. And filmed it.

301
00:18:15,040 --> 00:18:16,519
Yeah? What was the song?

302
00:18:16,520 --> 00:18:21,039
Died In Your Arms Tonight, Cutting
Crew. Good song, difficult key.

303
00:18:21,040 --> 00:18:23,359
How did she react to this gesture?

304
00:18:23,360 --> 00:18:26,519
Banged it on a USB, sent it over,
she texted back,

305
00:18:26,520 --> 00:18:30,800
"Wow, looks like someone had a good
night." Laughing emoji. So...

306
00:18:32,080 --> 00:18:34,120
..pretty sure she liked it.

307
00:18:38,760 --> 00:18:41,000
Kidnap her. Hey?

308
00:18:42,760 --> 00:18:45,639
So, you put her in a limousine.

309
00:18:45,640 --> 00:18:48,479
Big one. Drive her to the airport.

310
00:18:48,480 --> 00:18:51,439
Surprise her with a couple of
tickets. Go on, get in there.

311
00:18:51,440 --> 00:18:54,480
And then you fly her somewhere
really nice.

312
00:18:55,960 --> 00:18:57,599
Like the Bahamas.

313
00:18:57,600 --> 00:18:59,999
Lisbon. Eh?
If anywhere, it'd be Lisbon.

314
00:19:00,000 --> 00:19:01,799
She's always wanted to go there.

315
00:19:01,800 --> 00:19:05,119
Right, then, Lisbon.
Bring up those crates.

316
00:19:05,120 --> 00:19:07,959
And then you check
into a fancy hotel.

317
00:19:07,960 --> 00:19:10,800
Five stars. You show her
you're not a loser.

318
00:19:12,720 --> 00:19:14,760
I'm not a loser.

319
00:19:17,320 --> 00:19:21,079
I told you.
I'm a crime scene cleaner.

320
00:19:21,080 --> 00:19:23,519
Yeah, not a heart surgeon.

321
00:19:23,520 --> 00:19:25,559
See, that's why you've got to offer
her something

322
00:19:25,560 --> 00:19:29,239
she can impress her friends with.
You've got to invest in her.

323
00:19:29,240 --> 00:19:32,439
You know, flights, hotels,
boat trips.

324
00:19:32,440 --> 00:19:34,479
I don't know, helicopter.

325
00:19:34,480 --> 00:19:37,159
A helicopter? Who mentioned
a bloody helicopter?

326
00:19:37,160 --> 00:19:40,040
Well, sightseeing tours over Lisbon.

327
00:19:41,320 --> 00:19:43,079
Oh.

328
00:19:43,080 --> 00:19:45,120
That does sound nice, actually.

329
00:19:47,120 --> 00:19:48,760
Put it down there.

330
00:19:49,920 --> 00:19:52,319
And shift it, you two.
It's match day, isn't it?

331
00:19:52,320 --> 00:19:54,359
You said we'd be ready on time.

332
00:19:54,360 --> 00:19:56,680
You two actually make a
pretty good team, you know?

333
00:20:07,240 --> 00:20:09,519
Do you know what I'd do if we went
to Lisbon?

334
00:20:09,520 --> 00:20:12,479
I'd find a nice little private
beach,

335
00:20:12,480 --> 00:20:16,079
and I'd get a table and some chairs,

336
00:20:16,080 --> 00:20:18,959
and I'd put some candles on it,
maybe some flowers.

337
00:20:18,960 --> 00:20:21,199
And then I'd get oysters.

338
00:20:21,200 --> 00:20:24,919
No, not oysters. They're disgusting,
people pretend to like them.

339
00:20:24,920 --> 00:20:28,199
Crisp white wine, two glasses.

340
00:20:28,200 --> 00:20:30,239
And then we'd just sit.

341
00:20:30,240 --> 00:20:32,919
Watch the sun go down and chat.

342
00:20:32,920 --> 00:20:35,080
Hmm. Sounds perfect.

343
00:20:36,320 --> 00:20:38,719
Cost you about five grand, though.

344
00:20:38,720 --> 00:20:41,639
Right, well, if she wants me
for all that luxury crap,

345
00:20:41,640 --> 00:20:43,079
she can have her surgeon.

346
00:20:43,080 --> 00:20:46,679
Why did you stop drinking and start
wearing that stupid earring?

347
00:20:46,680 --> 00:20:50,719
Hey, Wicky? Those are deposits,
you're selling yourself.

348
00:20:50,720 --> 00:20:53,999
Paul Wickstead is not for sale.

349
00:20:54,000 --> 00:20:56,200
Tell you what. 200 quid...

350
00:20:57,320 --> 00:20:59,360
..if you carry on cleaning naked.

351
00:21:02,720 --> 00:21:05,199
Oh, good God, stop!

352
00:21:05,200 --> 00:21:08,319
Put your clothes back on.
You just made my point for me.

353
00:21:08,320 --> 00:21:10,919
You should have put that money in
your pocket when you found it.

354
00:21:10,920 --> 00:21:13,519
I've got principles.
It's dirty money.

355
00:21:13,520 --> 00:21:15,440
Oh. Tell you what.

356
00:21:16,560 --> 00:21:17,919
I'll give you 50 quid

357
00:21:17,920 --> 00:21:22,400
if you sing I Just Died In Your Arms
Tonight for me.

358
00:21:30,520 --> 00:21:32,559
# I...
LISA SNORTS

359
00:21:32,560 --> 00:21:34,359
Oh, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

360
00:21:34,360 --> 00:21:37,199
You think you've got it
all worked out, don't you?

361
00:21:37,200 --> 00:21:38,999
I can smell a bullshitter
at 50 feet.

362
00:21:39,000 --> 00:21:41,119
Do you want the truth?
I know the truth.

363
00:21:41,120 --> 00:21:43,999
No, you're supposed to say you want
the truth, and then I can shout,

364
00:21:44,000 --> 00:21:47,279
"You can't handle the tru..."
It doesn't matter.

365
00:21:47,280 --> 00:21:49,360
All right, I tell you what.

366
00:21:50,960 --> 00:21:52,680
15 quid.

367
00:21:53,920 --> 00:21:55,639
Wait.

368
00:21:55,640 --> 00:21:57,919
£17...

369
00:21:57,920 --> 00:22:00,639
..says that I can tell you something
about your love life

370
00:22:00,640 --> 00:22:03,600
that you haven't worked out
for yourself. All right.

371
00:22:04,760 --> 00:22:07,159
20 quid.

372
00:22:07,160 --> 00:22:08,960
Give it to me. Right.

373
00:22:10,280 --> 00:22:12,039
I actually think you're rather
wonderful

374
00:22:12,040 --> 00:22:16,119
to be in a relationship with.
Ha! Yeah, you're stubborn,

375
00:22:16,120 --> 00:22:18,359
and, certainly, you can be mean,

376
00:22:18,360 --> 00:22:21,800
but... you're charming and
you're funny.

377
00:22:23,200 --> 00:22:25,439
And there's an inner strength
to you.

378
00:22:25,440 --> 00:22:27,600
You don't let anything drag you
down.

379
00:22:29,600 --> 00:22:31,960
Which is why I'm surprised
Jacko wanted to leave you.

380
00:22:34,600 --> 00:22:36,240
What?

381
00:22:46,200 --> 00:22:49,239
At first, I thought it was a drug
dealer that had put it under there.

382
00:22:49,240 --> 00:22:50,839
That doesn't make sense.

383
00:22:50,840 --> 00:22:53,319
They've got their own
hiding spots, haven't they?

384
00:22:53,320 --> 00:22:55,879
But, then, someone panicking,

385
00:22:55,880 --> 00:22:58,199
hiding it under there during
the fight?

386
00:22:58,200 --> 00:23:01,119
No, that doesn't make sense either.

387
00:23:01,120 --> 00:23:03,359
Who's going to stash money under
a table

388
00:23:03,360 --> 00:23:06,959
in a place that they know is about
to be crawling with coppers?

389
00:23:06,960 --> 00:23:09,839
No, it doesn't add up.

390
00:23:09,840 --> 00:23:13,639
And that's why I think
Jacko put it there.

391
00:23:13,640 --> 00:23:16,719
He could never have smuggled that
much money from under my nose.

392
00:23:16,720 --> 00:23:18,719
No, not all at once.

393
00:23:18,720 --> 00:23:22,319
But 50 here, a hundred there,
fudge the books.

394
00:23:22,320 --> 00:23:25,559
Just waiting until he had enough
to leave.

395
00:23:25,560 --> 00:23:28,079
Well, then you'd have found more,
wouldn't you? No.

396
00:23:28,080 --> 00:23:31,239
As soon as he had a certain amount,
he'd pop down the bank.

397
00:23:31,240 --> 00:23:33,079
Cash it all in.

398
00:23:33,080 --> 00:23:35,799
Too risky having all that money
on him at work.

399
00:23:35,800 --> 00:23:38,680
Which is why he stashed it
under the pool table.

400
00:23:41,000 --> 00:23:42,879
The Bahamas.

401
00:23:42,880 --> 00:23:45,159
Cuddle showed me a brochure.

402
00:23:45,160 --> 00:23:48,479
Oh, yeah. He wanted to go
to the Bahamas, all right.

403
00:23:48,480 --> 00:23:51,479
Just not with you.

404
00:23:51,480 --> 00:23:53,519
He thought you'd live to be
a hundred

405
00:23:53,520 --> 00:23:55,879
and he'd never get his
greedy little hands on this place.

406
00:23:55,880 --> 00:23:57,920
No, it wasn't like that.

407
00:24:02,280 --> 00:24:05,399
Well, I call that a win. Might not
be able to take her to Lisbon,

408
00:24:05,400 --> 00:24:08,119
but I can buy her a curry, eh? What?

409
00:24:08,120 --> 00:24:12,599
Hmm? I made it all up, didn't I?
To win the bet.

410
00:24:12,600 --> 00:24:15,039
Yeah, the woman who thinks she's
sorted out romance.

411
00:24:15,040 --> 00:24:18,079
Think she understands it all.
She's offered another alternative

412
00:24:18,080 --> 00:24:20,560
and she gobbles it up. Yum-yum.

413
00:24:21,840 --> 00:24:24,359
No, you're right.

414
00:24:24,360 --> 00:24:27,839
No. I was wondering why we weren't
making more money.

415
00:24:27,840 --> 00:24:30,039
Place is always full. No!

416
00:24:30,040 --> 00:24:33,000
I made it up to win the bet.
There you have it.

417
00:24:35,440 --> 00:24:37,720
Just another transaction.

418
00:24:39,840 --> 00:24:41,879
Here, Cuddle, you take this.

419
00:24:41,880 --> 00:24:44,639
I don't want it.
No, I want you to have it.

420
00:24:44,640 --> 00:24:47,320
You've been so loyal. Go on, please.

421
00:24:49,000 --> 00:24:52,279
Now, I'm going to patch up my face
while you finish up here.

422
00:24:52,280 --> 00:24:54,639
I want this place ready for
the match.

423
00:24:54,640 --> 00:24:56,680
I've got people relying on me.

424
00:25:00,360 --> 00:25:02,919
Do you know what, Cuddle?
I thought I'd feel better than this,

425
00:25:02,920 --> 00:25:04,720
winning the bet.

426
00:25:18,440 --> 00:25:20,080
That's me finished.

427
00:25:21,360 --> 00:25:23,679
Is that what you're going to spend
your five grand on?

428
00:25:23,680 --> 00:25:28,039
No, I'll probably go Blackpool.
Blackpool?

429
00:25:28,040 --> 00:25:30,999
I've always wanted to see
the Pleasure Beach.

430
00:25:31,000 --> 00:25:35,199
Right. They've got The Krankies'
signature in the pavement.

431
00:25:35,200 --> 00:25:37,879
I think maybe the Bahamas might
top that, mate.

432
00:25:37,880 --> 00:25:41,520
It's too hot for me. I only got
this for her.

433
00:25:43,000 --> 00:25:45,760
I thought... I thought Jacko
got that for her.

434
00:25:49,640 --> 00:25:51,719
You really like her, don't you?

435
00:25:51,720 --> 00:25:54,320
Of course. Well, why don't you
tell her?

436
00:25:56,160 --> 00:25:59,199
Things aren't the same since
our honeymoon.

437
00:25:59,200 --> 00:26:00,680
Your hon...?

438
00:26:01,920 --> 00:26:03,960
Are you two married?

439
00:26:05,120 --> 00:26:06,880
Used to be.

440
00:26:07,960 --> 00:26:11,999
When Jacko came along, I-I couldn't
stand in their way.

441
00:26:12,000 --> 00:26:14,040
Ah. Just...

442
00:26:15,800 --> 00:26:17,840
..I like being near her.

443
00:26:25,560 --> 00:26:27,840
Stick this in your computer
and have a watch.

444
00:26:30,200 --> 00:26:32,279
Sometimes you've got to make
a grand gesture

445
00:26:32,280 --> 00:26:34,320
to win a woman's heart.

446
00:27:18,200 --> 00:27:20,240
COMPUTER CHIMES

447
00:27:23,000 --> 00:27:25,040
MUSIC: (I Just) Died In Your Arms
by Cutting Crew

448
00:27:38,280 --> 00:27:42,960
HE LIP-SYNCS: # I...I just died
in your arms tonight

449
00:27:44,160 --> 00:27:47,279
# It must have been something
you said

450
00:27:47,280 --> 00:27:52,240
# I just died in your arms tonight

451
00:27:53,920 --> 00:27:58,200
# I...I just died in your arms
tonight

452
00:27:59,680 --> 00:28:02,799
# It must have been something
you said

453
00:28:02,800 --> 00:28:06,280
# I just died in your arms tonight

454
00:28:07,680 --> 00:28:09,439
# Oh, whoa

455
00:28:09,440 --> 00:28:13,720
# I...I just died in your arms
tonight

456
00:28:14,960 --> 00:28:18,639
# It must have been some kind of
kiss

457
00:28:18,640 --> 00:28:22,040
# I should have walked away

458
00:28:23,200 --> 00:28:25,360
# I should have walked away

459
00:28:36,240 --> 00:28:40,759
# Is there any just cause
for feeling like this?

460
00:28:40,760 --> 00:28:43,479
# On the surface
I'm a name on a list

461
00:28:43,480 --> 00:28:47,519
# I try to be discreet

462
00:28:47,520 --> 00:28:49,280
# But then blow it again

463
00:28:51,240 --> 00:28:55,239
# I've lost and found
It's my final mistake

464
00:28:55,240 --> 00:28:59,079
# She's loving by proxy
No give and all take

465
00:28:59,080 --> 00:29:02,560
# Because I've been thrilled
to fantasy... #