Job in a pub? It's like you're trying to kill me.
Bloody hell, what's happened to you?
What do you mean? The glasses, the earring.
I'm just trying something different, that's all.
What, a full breakdown?
Oh, I'm winding you up.
No, I think it's great, what this new girl's managed to do.
Changed in five weeks what others couldn't in 50 years.
Well... You must really like her.
Are they even prescription? Yeah, of course they are.
Look, I'm sorry.
I know you and I were going to go for a drink, weren't we?
Oh, yeah. Don't you worry about me.
I'm benefiting from this new woman.
There's loads more naan breads left at curry night
now you're not down The White Horse every Friday night.
Right. She's not really a down-the-pub sort of girl.
And who in their right mind would want one of them, Wicky?
So, erm... What happened here?
Oh, actually, it's pretty gruesome.
Young bloke died in a fight.
It started off as a brawl, but then a knife got pulled.
Bar manager's around, though. I'll let him fill you in on the details.
MAN: Oi!
I'm not the bar manager.
He was. Bloody hell, have you been there the whole time?
Yeah. You're better at sneaking up than you look.
You don't look like a sneaker. No offence.
HE GROWLS
Wish me luck. Good luck, Wicky.
MAN: It was here.
Whereabouts?
Kidding.
He had a fight, now he's dead.
I'm sorry. Sorry for your loss.
The loss of your... Oh.
The loss of your boss. MAN GROWLS
Jacko. Oh, was that his name?
His real name was Michael, but everyone called him Jacko.
Don't ask me why. I won't.
Hee-hee!
What was that? It was inappropriate.
I make jokes when I'm frightened.
Do you know? It's funny. I, er...
I'm trying to give up the booze at the moment,
and I thought it'd be hard being in a pub, but I feel all right.
He was only 28.
He bled to death. Yeah.
That is... That is sad. Not sad for him.
He's gone.
Sad for her.
I need to work. Yeah.
I'll be back here... Yeah, OK. ..setting up.
Setting up? Setting up for what?
Match day.
What, you're actually opening? MAN GROWLS
OK. Well, I probably need about six hours for this.
It's a business. We open in five.
All right. Well, I'll try and do it in five. We open in five!
Yeah, that's fine, all right.
Cheeky bastard.
Here we go.
Hello, you beauty.
Oh, lovely action.
MUSIC: Bring Your Daughter To The Slaughter by Iron Maiden
# Bring your daughter Bring your daughter
# To the slaughter
# Let her go Let her go
# Let her go
# Bring your daughter Bring your daughter
# To the slaughter
# Let her go Let her go... #
Good morning.
Oh, er...
No, no, no. It won't go off!
Off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off! Argh!
MUSIC STOPS Having a nice time?
Sorry. I'm from Lausen Cleaners. I'm here to...
Have a good time instead of working, it seems.
Oh, that? Oh, no, that started playing on its own.
I think the place is haunted.
Not by him. He won't be a ghost yet. Probably by a...
..pirate? Sorry, who are you?
Lisa Smith.
Like on the board above the door.
Oh! Sorry, I just presumed the big fellow was...
Yeah, why would a lady run the gaff?
We're too delicate.
Sorry. I'm Wicky. I'm...
I'm here to, erm...
The cleaner. Yeah, I gathered.
Getting ready for the match, Lisa.
Good, Cuddle. Thank you for that.
Double bourbon, please.
Cuddle? Yeah.
Got a problem with that? No.
I just think it's a bit of a funny name for someone who I felt,
and I hope this doesn't seem crass,
might, with the slightest provocation,
pull my whole skeleton out of my bum hole.
You're very quick to judge, aren't you, cleaner man?
You'll fit in well here.
Do you want a beer?
I-I'm at work. Yeah.
I'm about to do my accounts.
No. No, I can't. I promised my new girlfriend.
Things we do for love, eh?
He had to go and act like a big shot.
Now I've lost my bar manager.
Yeah. And he...
..weirdly lost both ears.
I also lost my lover. What?
Er, he was only 28, though. That's too young for you...
I mean, for him to die.
Not for anything else. I'm sure he was...
What was he, nice to kiss? Of course he was.
What are you on about? Come on!
I mean, he lost both ears.
Lose one ear, call me careless. Lose both ears,
maybe I don't want ears.
Oh, my God.
You ready for that pint? Yes, please.
Mmm. Mmm.
Oh, God.
Any chance you're going to do any cleaning in the near future,
cleaner man? Make your mind up.
I know what you're thinking.
"What did a 28-year-old want with that old boot?"
I was not thinking that.
Come on. You can't be more than...
What? Si...Si...
Fifty...f...two?
Thirty...
Thir...Thirty...fi...
..five? Can you?
Oh, come on, be honest.
Lies stink the bar out.
All right, maybe I was wondering it a bit. Not that it matters.
Love is love. My uncle's girlfriend, he...
Actually, that is a bad example. He was arrested, but...
So, what do you think he wanted with me, cleaner man?
Relaxed company, someone to chill with.
Kickbacks. Quid pro quo.
Why else would a man that age be with me?
What? Every relationship is a deal.
And the sooner you realise that, the better.
Do you think this new girl who's stopping you drinking
is in it for your good looks, Robert Redford?
She's got a name. Her name's Jules.
And I've got no money, so that's your theory buggered.
Not every transaction is financial.
Do you know what, Cuddle?
You don't really need to hold it, it's not that high.
He's just trying to avoid another tragedy.
Cuddle, check the pork scratchings, there's a love.
So, how did you meet him, old, er...? Jacko.
When I was visiting my dad in prison.
He was in the next-door cell, doing a two-year stretch.
Next thing I know, he's on my doorstep, says he's got out
and he wants to tell me in person that my old man was dead.
Oh. Oh, well, sorry.
Don't be. He was a horrible father. Brilliant fraudster, though.
They called him The Raisin. Oh?
Could dry you out completely.
So, would The Vampire not have been better?
None of this matters. Go on.
This is Jacko.
What a hunk! See what I mean? I fancy him myself.
Hard to resist.
Scam artist or not. What makes you think he's a scam artist?
What, turning up at a pub owned by a knackered old woman
and seducing her?
Oh. Anyway, it worked out well in the end.
I got my bit of eye candy, someone to run the bar for me.
He knew he'd get the business in the end.
It's just that the poor bugger went and snuffed it first.
Yeah. What? I don't know.
It just feels a bit cold.
Pfft. Maybe I'm an old romantic, you know, but...
Hey, it's none of my business. I better get on.
All I'm saying is, I think it's a bit odd
that you've never considered love might be involved.
Are you in love, then, Wicky?
I'd like to be.
I don't know how she feels, but...
..it's what I want, yeah. Oh.
Love's just another transaction. It's give and take, innit?
Yeah, and everyone tries to take more than they give.
Have you never just loved someone for the sake of it?
Nah.
Everything's easier when love isn't involved.
Sex included.
I don't want us to have sex.
I wasn't offering. Oh, thank God.
Lisa. Right on cue.
What is it? Erm, well...
Well...
I...
I need to get some stuff from the van.
So, erm, I'm not very good at this. Erm...
Jacko really did like you.
He wanted to book a trip to the Bahamas.
It was going to be a surprise.
He showed me this brochure.
"We need to take you on the honeymoon you never got to have",
he said. "The one you deserved." Just thought you should know.
And, Lisa, I-I just wanted to say that, erm...
..all the glasses are nearly cleaned
and there's plenty of bottles of IPA.
Thanks, Cuddle.
Weren't joking, were they, Raisin Face?
God in heaven.
500 quid for a simple coffin.
£6,450 for a silk-lined mahogany casket.
Who are they trying to kid?
A coffin's just a people bin.
Well, probably just want to give someone a nice send-off.
Where to? Get one that's made out of chipboard.
Bit of veneer, lovely bit of velvet. Huh.
PHONE RINGS
Well, if it isn't the most beautiful girl in the whole world.
What's she doing talking to me?
Yeah, no, no, I'm looking forward to it.
Oh.
No, no.
That's fine.
Listen, if it can't be avoided, it can't be avoided.
Yeah. I'll give you a ring.
You'll give me a ring.
All right, then. B...
Problems? No, she's just busy.
Oh, dear. The power of blossoming love not quite enough, was it?
She's just remembered a thing she's got on, that's all.
Yeah, I bet. What do you mean by that?
What, she just remembered a thing she had on
with a bigger bank balance?
I wonder what the thing's name is.
I wonder what kind of car the thing drives.
My God, it must be exhausting being you.
Look, just face it.
She's never going to end up with a cleaner.
I am a crime scene cleaner!
Hey. Hey.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Hey, hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
No!
THUD
Now what are they going to drink?
Yes, I do apologise, Cuddle.
Argh! Do you think you could take
just a little bit of your weight off my head?
Keep him down there, Cuddle.
Oh, but there's something down here. He's just trying to get out of this.
I'm not trying to get out of this, I love this.
Honestly, you're going to want to take a look.
WICKY GRUNTS
Oh, yeah.
Someone must have lost it. Lost it?
It was stashed under a pool table.
Maybe they hid it there when the fight started.
No knowing now, is there? Yeah. Well, we'd better report it.
LISA AND CUDDLE LAUGH
It's not right. Who hides money under a pool table?
Well, it doesn't matter now, does it?
Maybe it's the reason the fight broke out in the first place. Ah!
Maybe Jacko was mixed up in something dodgy.
Not the first time that sentence has been bandied about.
Shamon!
Well, anyway, there's no way of knowing now.
Nice little windfall, though.
You... You can't keep it, we've got to go to the police.
Oh, what, so they can have an extra piss-up at the station?
I don't think so. None of the coppers I know are bent.
No, because you live in a Richard Curtis film,
don't you, Babyface? No, I do not.
Not that there's anything wrong with that.
Notting Hill? Top five films for me.
Just a girl standing in front of a boy asking to be loved.
Count me in, Roberts, you sausage-lipped prozzie.
I like documentaries.
Oh, each to his own, Cuddle.
CUDDLE GROWLS
You can't keep it!
It's none of my business, I suppose. No, you suppose right. Right.
Well, I'm pretty much finished. I'll, er...
I'll get going. Oh, no, you won't.
Ah!
WICKY GROANS
Hard work doesn't suit you.
Yeah, well, I'd like to remind you, this isn't my work.
You should have kept quiet about the money when you seen it.
Gone back later and nicked it for yourself.
I bet you'd be getting ready for that date now if you had all this.
Nah. She's just not into me.
You need a plan.
Got to make a grand gesture.
Been there, done that. What did you do?
I wrote her a song.
Well, I sang a song.
I mimed along to someone else's song. And filmed it.
Yeah? What was the song?
Died In Your Arms Tonight, Cutting Crew. Good song, difficult key.
How did she react to this gesture?
Banged it on a USB, sent it over, she texted back,
"Wow, looks like someone had a good night." Laughing emoji. So...
..pretty sure she liked it.
Kidnap her. Hey?
So, you put her in a limousine.
Big one. Drive her to the airport.
Surprise her with a couple of tickets. Go on, get in there.
And then you fly her somewhere really nice.
Like the Bahamas.
Lisbon. Eh? If anywhere, it'd be Lisbon.
She's always wanted to go there.
Right, then, Lisbon. Bring up those crates.
And then you check into a fancy hotel.
Five stars. You show her you're not a loser.
I'm not a loser.
I told you. I'm a crime scene cleaner.
Yeah, not a heart surgeon.
See, that's why you've got to offer her something
she can impress her friends with. You've got to invest in her.
You know, flights, hotels, boat trips.
I don't know, helicopter.
A helicopter? Who mentioned a bloody helicopter?
Well, sightseeing tours over Lisbon.
Oh.
That does sound nice, actually.
Put it down there.
And shift it, you two. It's match day, isn't it?
You said we'd be ready on time.
You two actually make a pretty good team, you know?
Do you know what I'd do if we went to Lisbon?
I'd find a nice little private beach,
and I'd get a table and some chairs,
and I'd put some candles on it, maybe some flowers.
And then I'd get oysters.
No, not oysters. They're disgusting, people pretend to like them.
Crisp white wine, two glasses.
And then we'd just sit.
Watch the sun go down and chat.
Hmm. Sounds perfect.
Cost you about five grand, though.
Right, well, if she wants me for all that luxury crap,
she can have her surgeon.
Why did you stop drinking and start wearing that stupid earring?
Hey, Wicky? Those are deposits, you're selling yourself.
Paul Wickstead is not for sale.
Tell you what. 200 quid...
..if you carry on cleaning naked.
Oh, good God, stop!
Put your clothes back on. You just made my point for me.
You should have put that money in your pocket when you found it.
I've got principles. It's dirty money.
Oh. Tell you what.
I'll give you 50 quid
if you sing I Just Died In Your Arms Tonight for me.
# I... LISA SNORTS
Oh, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You think you've got it all worked out, don't you?
I can smell a bullshitter at 50 feet.
Do you want the truth? I know the truth.
No, you're supposed to say you want the truth, and then I can shout,
"You can't handle the tru..." It doesn't matter.
All right, I tell you what.
15 quid.
Wait.
£17...
..says that I can tell you something about your love life
that you haven't worked out for yourself. All right.
20 quid.
Give it to me. Right.
I actually think you're rather wonderful
to be in a relationship with. Ha! Yeah, you're stubborn,
and, certainly, you can be mean,
but... you're charming and you're funny.
And there's an inner strength to you.
You don't let anything drag you down.
Which is why I'm surprised Jacko wanted to leave you.
What?
At first, I thought it was a drug dealer that had put it under there.
That doesn't make sense.
They've got their own hiding spots, haven't they?
But, then, someone panicking,
hiding it under there during the fight?
No, that doesn't make sense either.
Who's going to stash money under a table
in a place that they know is about to be crawling with coppers?
No, it doesn't add up.
And that's why I think Jacko put it there.
He could never have smuggled that much money from under my nose.
No, not all at once.
But 50 here, a hundred there, fudge the books.
Just waiting until he had enough to leave.
Well, then you'd have found more, wouldn't you? No.
As soon as he had a certain amount, he'd pop down the bank.
Cash it all in.
Too risky having all that money on him at work.
Which is why he stashed it under the pool table.
The Bahamas.
Cuddle showed me a brochure.
Oh, yeah. He wanted to go to the Bahamas, all right.
Just not with you.
He thought you'd live to be a hundred
and he'd never get his greedy little hands on this place.
No, it wasn't like that.
Well, I call that a win. Might not be able to take her to Lisbon,
but I can buy her a curry, eh? What?
Hmm? I made it all up, didn't I? To win the bet.
Yeah, the woman who thinks she's sorted out romance.
Think she understands it all. She's offered another alternative
and she gobbles it up. Yum-yum.
No, you're right.
No. I was wondering why we weren't making more money.
Place is always full. No!
I made it up to win the bet. There you have it.
Just another transaction.
Here, Cuddle, you take this.
I don't want it. No, I want you to have it.
You've been so loyal. Go on, please.
Now, I'm going to patch up my face while you finish up here.
I want this place ready for the match.
I've got people relying on me.
Do you know what, Cuddle? I thought I'd feel better than this,
winning the bet.
That's me finished.
Is that what you're going to spend your five grand on?
No, I'll probably go Blackpool. Blackpool?
I've always wanted to see the Pleasure Beach.
Right. They've got The Krankies' signature in the pavement.
I think maybe the Bahamas might top that, mate.
It's too hot for me. I only got this for her.
I thought... I thought Jacko got that for her.
You really like her, don't you?
Of course. Well, why don't you tell her?
Things aren't the same since our honeymoon.
Your hon...?
Are you two married?
Used to be.
When Jacko came along, I-I couldn't stand in their way.
Ah. Just...
..I like being near her.
Stick this in your computer and have a watch.
Sometimes you've got to make a grand gesture
to win a woman's heart.
COMPUTER CHIMES
MUSIC: (I Just) Died In Your Arms by Cutting Crew
HE LIP-SYNCS: # I...I just died in your arms tonight
# It must have been something you said
# I just died in your arms tonight
# I...I just died in your arms tonight
# It must have been something you said
# I just died in your arms tonight
# Oh, whoa
# I...I just died in your arms tonight
# It must have been some kind of kiss
# I should have walked away
# Is there any just cause for feeling like this?
# On the surface I'm a name on a list
# I try to be discreet
# But then blow it again
# I've lost and found It's my final mistake
# She's loving by proxy No give and all take
# Because I've been thrilled to fantasy... #