1 00:00:40,643 --> 00:00:43,083 Job in a pub? It's like you're trying to kill me. 2 00:00:43,083 --> 00:00:44,843 Bloody hell, what's happened to you? 3 00:00:44,843 --> 00:00:48,043 What do you mean? The glasses, the earring. 4 00:00:48,043 --> 00:00:50,603 I'm just trying something different, that's all. 5 00:00:50,603 --> 00:00:52,803 What, a full breakdown? 6 00:00:52,803 --> 00:00:54,523 Oh, I'm winding you up. 7 00:00:54,523 --> 00:00:57,443 No, I think it's great, what this new girl's managed to do. 8 00:00:57,443 --> 00:01:00,403 Changed in five weeks what others couldn't in 50 years. 9 00:01:00,403 --> 00:01:03,563 Well... You must really like her. 10 00:01:03,563 --> 00:01:05,763 Are they even prescription? Yeah, of course they are. 11 00:01:07,803 --> 00:01:10,203 Look, I'm sorry. 12 00:01:10,203 --> 00:01:13,043 I know you and I were going to go for a drink, weren't we? 13 00:01:13,043 --> 00:01:15,723 Oh, yeah. Don't you worry about me. 14 00:01:15,723 --> 00:01:17,883 I'm benefiting from this new woman. 15 00:01:17,883 --> 00:01:20,043 There's loads more naan breads left at curry night 16 00:01:20,043 --> 00:01:23,243 now you're not down The White Horse every Friday night. 17 00:01:23,243 --> 00:01:25,803 Right. She's not really a down-the-pub sort of girl. 18 00:01:25,803 --> 00:01:29,083 And who in their right mind would want one of them, Wicky? 19 00:01:31,643 --> 00:01:34,203 So, erm... What happened here? 20 00:01:34,203 --> 00:01:36,723 Oh, actually, it's pretty gruesome. 21 00:01:36,723 --> 00:01:38,883 Young bloke died in a fight. 22 00:01:38,883 --> 00:01:41,403 It started off as a brawl, but then a knife got pulled. 23 00:01:41,403 --> 00:01:44,763 Bar manager's around, though. I'll let him fill you in on the details. 24 00:01:44,763 --> 00:01:46,523 MAN: Oi! 25 00:01:46,523 --> 00:01:48,923 I'm not the bar manager. 26 00:01:49,923 --> 00:01:53,163 He was. Bloody hell, have you been there the whole time? 27 00:01:53,163 --> 00:01:55,603 Yeah. You're better at sneaking up than you look. 28 00:01:55,603 --> 00:01:57,963 You don't look like a sneaker. No offence. 29 00:01:57,963 --> 00:02:00,003 HE GROWLS 30 00:02:01,763 --> 00:02:04,403 Wish me luck. Good luck, Wicky. 31 00:02:21,483 --> 00:02:23,883 MAN: It was here. 32 00:02:23,883 --> 00:02:25,923 Whereabouts? 33 00:02:25,923 --> 00:02:27,563 Kidding. 34 00:02:29,123 --> 00:02:31,843 He had a fight, now he's dead. 35 00:02:31,843 --> 00:02:33,883 I'm sorry. Sorry for your loss. 36 00:02:33,883 --> 00:02:36,683 The loss of your... Oh. 37 00:02:36,683 --> 00:02:39,403 The loss of your boss. MAN GROWLS 38 00:02:39,403 --> 00:02:42,163 Jacko. Oh, was that his name? 39 00:02:42,163 --> 00:02:46,083 His real name was Michael, but everyone called him Jacko. 40 00:02:46,083 --> 00:02:48,683 Don't ask me why. I won't. 41 00:02:48,683 --> 00:02:50,923 Hee-hee! 42 00:02:50,923 --> 00:02:53,643 What was that? It was inappropriate. 43 00:02:53,643 --> 00:02:55,683 I make jokes when I'm frightened. 44 00:02:57,203 --> 00:02:59,363 Do you know? It's funny. I, er... 45 00:02:59,363 --> 00:03:01,483 I'm trying to give up the booze at the moment, 46 00:03:01,483 --> 00:03:04,443 and I thought it'd be hard being in a pub, but I feel all right. 47 00:03:04,443 --> 00:03:06,123 He was only 28. 48 00:03:06,123 --> 00:03:08,163 He bled to death. Yeah. 49 00:03:09,483 --> 00:03:12,883 That is... That is sad. Not sad for him. 50 00:03:12,883 --> 00:03:14,923 He's gone. 51 00:03:14,923 --> 00:03:16,963 Sad for her. 52 00:03:18,043 --> 00:03:20,083 I need to work. Yeah. 53 00:03:20,083 --> 00:03:23,243 I'll be back here... Yeah, OK. ..setting up. 54 00:03:24,403 --> 00:03:26,763 Setting up? Setting up for what? 55 00:03:26,763 --> 00:03:28,843 Match day. 56 00:03:28,843 --> 00:03:31,603 What, you're actually opening? MAN GROWLS 57 00:03:31,603 --> 00:03:34,563 OK. Well, I probably need about six hours for this. 58 00:03:34,563 --> 00:03:37,563 It's a business. We open in five. 59 00:03:37,563 --> 00:03:40,363 All right. Well, I'll try and do it in five. We open in five! 60 00:03:40,363 --> 00:03:42,003 Yeah, that's fine, all right. 61 00:03:47,203 --> 00:03:49,483 Cheeky bastard. 62 00:03:57,323 --> 00:03:59,363 Here we go. 63 00:04:08,163 --> 00:04:09,883 Hello, you beauty. 64 00:04:18,683 --> 00:04:21,043 Oh, lovely action. 65 00:04:21,043 --> 00:04:24,563 MUSIC: Bring Your Daughter To The Slaughter by Iron Maiden 66 00:04:27,283 --> 00:04:30,403 # Bring your daughter Bring your daughter 67 00:04:30,403 --> 00:04:33,603 # To the slaughter 68 00:04:33,603 --> 00:04:36,803 # Let her go Let her go 69 00:04:36,803 --> 00:04:38,443 # Let her go 70 00:04:39,923 --> 00:04:43,163 # Bring your daughter Bring your daughter 71 00:04:43,163 --> 00:04:46,363 # To the slaughter 72 00:04:46,363 --> 00:04:50,043 # Let her go Let her go... # 73 00:04:50,043 --> 00:04:51,683 Good morning. 74 00:04:52,683 --> 00:04:54,723 Oh, er... 75 00:04:54,723 --> 00:04:57,843 No, no, no. It won't go off! 76 00:04:57,843 --> 00:05:00,443 Off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off! Argh! 77 00:05:00,443 --> 00:05:03,363 MUSIC STOPS Having a nice time? 78 00:05:03,363 --> 00:05:06,483 Sorry. I'm from Lausen Cleaners. I'm here to... 79 00:05:06,483 --> 00:05:08,683 Have a good time instead of working, it seems. 80 00:05:08,683 --> 00:05:11,723 Oh, that? Oh, no, that started playing on its own. 81 00:05:11,723 --> 00:05:14,083 I think the place is haunted. 82 00:05:14,083 --> 00:05:16,763 Not by him. He won't be a ghost yet. Probably by a... 83 00:05:17,923 --> 00:05:20,243 ..pirate? Sorry, who are you? 84 00:05:20,243 --> 00:05:22,083 Lisa Smith. 85 00:05:22,083 --> 00:05:24,843 Like on the board above the door. 86 00:05:24,843 --> 00:05:28,363 Oh! Sorry, I just presumed the big fellow was... 87 00:05:28,363 --> 00:05:30,483 Yeah, why would a lady run the gaff? 88 00:05:30,483 --> 00:05:32,403 We're too delicate. 89 00:05:32,403 --> 00:05:34,683 Sorry. I'm Wicky. I'm... 90 00:05:35,763 --> 00:05:38,643 I'm here to, erm... 91 00:05:38,643 --> 00:05:41,603 The cleaner. Yeah, I gathered. 92 00:05:41,603 --> 00:05:43,723 Getting ready for the match, Lisa. 93 00:05:43,723 --> 00:05:46,283 Good, Cuddle. Thank you for that. 94 00:05:46,283 --> 00:05:48,483 Double bourbon, please. 95 00:05:51,283 --> 00:05:52,963 Cuddle? Yeah. 96 00:05:52,963 --> 00:05:54,843 Got a problem with that? No. 97 00:05:54,843 --> 00:05:57,803 I just think it's a bit of a funny name for someone who I felt, 98 00:05:57,803 --> 00:05:59,483 and I hope this doesn't seem crass, 99 00:05:59,483 --> 00:06:01,323 might, with the slightest provocation, 100 00:06:01,323 --> 00:06:03,363 pull my whole skeleton out of my bum hole. 101 00:06:04,483 --> 00:06:07,923 You're very quick to judge, aren't you, cleaner man? 102 00:06:07,923 --> 00:06:10,403 You'll fit in well here. 103 00:06:10,403 --> 00:06:12,443 Do you want a beer? 104 00:06:13,363 --> 00:06:15,763 I-I'm at work. Yeah. 105 00:06:15,763 --> 00:06:17,843 I'm about to do my accounts. 106 00:06:19,403 --> 00:06:23,403 No. No, I can't. I promised my new girlfriend. 107 00:06:23,403 --> 00:06:25,483 Things we do for love, eh? 108 00:06:27,803 --> 00:06:30,203 He had to go and act like a big shot. 109 00:06:30,203 --> 00:06:32,803 Now I've lost my bar manager. 110 00:06:32,803 --> 00:06:34,643 Yeah. And he... 111 00:06:36,523 --> 00:06:39,163 ..weirdly lost both ears. 112 00:06:39,163 --> 00:06:42,403 I also lost my lover. What? 113 00:06:42,403 --> 00:06:45,523 Er, he was only 28, though. That's too young for you... 114 00:06:45,523 --> 00:06:47,803 I mean, for him to die. 115 00:06:47,803 --> 00:06:50,203 Not for anything else. I'm sure he was... 116 00:06:50,203 --> 00:06:52,523 What was he, nice to kiss? Of course he was. 117 00:06:52,523 --> 00:06:54,803 What are you on about? Come on! 118 00:06:54,803 --> 00:06:57,203 I mean, he lost both ears. 119 00:06:57,203 --> 00:07:00,043 Lose one ear, call me careless. Lose both ears, 120 00:07:00,043 --> 00:07:02,403 maybe I don't want ears. 121 00:07:04,803 --> 00:07:06,843 Oh, my God. 122 00:07:12,003 --> 00:07:14,043 You ready for that pint? Yes, please. 123 00:07:17,683 --> 00:07:19,763 Mmm. Mmm. 124 00:07:19,763 --> 00:07:21,443 Oh, God. 125 00:07:21,443 --> 00:07:24,283 Any chance you're going to do any cleaning in the near future, 126 00:07:24,283 --> 00:07:26,323 cleaner man? Make your mind up. 127 00:07:47,203 --> 00:07:49,843 I know what you're thinking. 128 00:07:49,843 --> 00:07:53,203 "What did a 28-year-old want with that old boot?" 129 00:07:53,203 --> 00:07:56,203 I was not thinking that. 130 00:07:56,203 --> 00:07:59,483 Come on. You can't be more than... 131 00:07:59,483 --> 00:08:02,963 What? Si...Si... 132 00:08:02,963 --> 00:08:06,843 Fifty...f...two? 133 00:08:06,843 --> 00:08:09,123 Thirty... 134 00:08:09,123 --> 00:08:12,603 Thir...Thirty...fi... 135 00:08:12,603 --> 00:08:14,683 ..five? Can you? 136 00:08:14,683 --> 00:08:16,483 Oh, come on, be honest. 137 00:08:16,483 --> 00:08:18,763 Lies stink the bar out. 138 00:08:18,763 --> 00:08:22,043 All right, maybe I was wondering it a bit. Not that it matters. 139 00:08:22,043 --> 00:08:25,203 Love is love. My uncle's girlfriend, he... 140 00:08:26,843 --> 00:08:29,243 Actually, that is a bad example. He was arrested, but... 141 00:08:31,203 --> 00:08:34,323 So, what do you think he wanted with me, cleaner man? 142 00:08:34,323 --> 00:08:36,403 Relaxed company, someone to chill with. 143 00:08:36,403 --> 00:08:38,683 Kickbacks. Quid pro quo. 144 00:08:38,683 --> 00:08:41,363 Why else would a man that age be with me? 145 00:08:41,363 --> 00:08:44,523 What? Every relationship is a deal. 146 00:08:44,523 --> 00:08:46,843 And the sooner you realise that, the better. 147 00:08:46,843 --> 00:08:49,603 Do you think this new girl who's stopping you drinking 148 00:08:49,603 --> 00:08:53,483 is in it for your good looks, Robert Redford? 149 00:08:53,483 --> 00:08:56,403 She's got a name. Her name's Jules. 150 00:08:56,403 --> 00:08:59,483 And I've got no money, so that's your theory buggered. 151 00:08:59,483 --> 00:09:01,963 Not every transaction is financial. 152 00:09:19,203 --> 00:09:20,843 Do you know what, Cuddle? 153 00:09:20,843 --> 00:09:23,003 You don't really need to hold it, it's not that high. 154 00:09:23,003 --> 00:09:25,683 He's just trying to avoid another tragedy. 155 00:09:25,683 --> 00:09:28,403 Cuddle, check the pork scratchings, there's a love. 156 00:09:31,083 --> 00:09:34,363 So, how did you meet him, old, er...? Jacko. 157 00:09:34,363 --> 00:09:36,723 When I was visiting my dad in prison. 158 00:09:36,723 --> 00:09:39,563 He was in the next-door cell, doing a two-year stretch. 159 00:09:39,563 --> 00:09:41,963 Next thing I know, he's on my doorstep, says he's got out 160 00:09:41,963 --> 00:09:44,803 and he wants to tell me in person that my old man was dead. 161 00:09:44,803 --> 00:09:47,603 Oh. Oh, well, sorry. 162 00:09:47,603 --> 00:09:51,203 Don't be. He was a horrible father. Brilliant fraudster, though. 163 00:09:51,203 --> 00:09:53,523 They called him The Raisin. Oh? 164 00:09:53,523 --> 00:09:55,563 Could dry you out completely. 165 00:09:57,603 --> 00:09:59,963 So, would The Vampire not have been better? 166 00:09:59,963 --> 00:10:01,923 None of this matters. Go on. 167 00:10:01,923 --> 00:10:05,203 This is Jacko. 168 00:10:05,203 --> 00:10:07,963 What a hunk! See what I mean? I fancy him myself. 169 00:10:07,963 --> 00:10:09,483 Hard to resist. 170 00:10:09,483 --> 00:10:12,363 Scam artist or not. What makes you think he's a scam artist? 171 00:10:12,363 --> 00:10:14,963 What, turning up at a pub owned by a knackered old woman 172 00:10:14,963 --> 00:10:16,643 and seducing her? 173 00:10:16,643 --> 00:10:19,683 Oh. Anyway, it worked out well in the end. 174 00:10:19,683 --> 00:10:23,883 I got my bit of eye candy, someone to run the bar for me. 175 00:10:23,883 --> 00:10:26,043 He knew he'd get the business in the end. 176 00:10:26,043 --> 00:10:29,123 It's just that the poor bugger went and snuffed it first. 177 00:10:29,123 --> 00:10:31,923 Yeah. What? I don't know. 178 00:10:31,923 --> 00:10:34,203 It just feels a bit cold. 179 00:10:34,203 --> 00:10:36,363 Pfft. Maybe I'm an old romantic, you know, but... 180 00:10:38,483 --> 00:10:41,643 Hey, it's none of my business. I better get on. 181 00:10:43,723 --> 00:10:45,883 All I'm saying is, I think it's a bit odd 182 00:10:45,883 --> 00:10:48,523 that you've never considered love might be involved. 183 00:10:48,523 --> 00:10:50,563 Are you in love, then, Wicky? 184 00:10:51,963 --> 00:10:54,123 I'd like to be. 185 00:10:54,123 --> 00:10:56,163 I don't know how she feels, but... 186 00:10:56,163 --> 00:10:58,283 ..it's what I want, yeah. Oh. 187 00:10:58,283 --> 00:11:01,483 Love's just another transaction. It's give and take, innit? 188 00:11:01,483 --> 00:11:04,123 Yeah, and everyone tries to take more than they give. 189 00:11:07,323 --> 00:11:10,763 Have you never just loved someone for the sake of it? 190 00:11:10,763 --> 00:11:12,203 Nah. 191 00:11:12,203 --> 00:11:14,323 Everything's easier when love isn't involved. 192 00:11:16,003 --> 00:11:18,043 Sex included. 193 00:11:24,603 --> 00:11:27,403 I don't want us to have sex. 194 00:11:27,403 --> 00:11:29,283 I wasn't offering. Oh, thank God. 195 00:11:29,283 --> 00:11:31,683 Lisa. Right on cue. 196 00:11:31,683 --> 00:11:35,723 What is it? Erm, well... 197 00:11:35,723 --> 00:11:37,363 Well... 198 00:11:39,003 --> 00:11:40,723 I... 199 00:11:40,723 --> 00:11:42,803 I need to get some stuff from the van. 200 00:11:48,123 --> 00:11:50,523 So, erm, I'm not very good at this. Erm... 201 00:11:58,843 --> 00:12:01,643 Jacko really did like you. 202 00:12:03,283 --> 00:12:06,723 He wanted to book a trip to the Bahamas. 203 00:12:06,723 --> 00:12:09,043 It was going to be a surprise. 204 00:12:09,043 --> 00:12:11,203 He showed me this brochure. 205 00:12:12,643 --> 00:12:16,243 "We need to take you on the honeymoon you never got to have", 206 00:12:16,243 --> 00:12:20,843 he said. "The one you deserved." Just thought you should know. 207 00:12:22,883 --> 00:12:26,123 And, Lisa, I-I just wanted to say that, erm... 208 00:12:30,803 --> 00:12:32,843 ..all the glasses are nearly cleaned 209 00:12:32,843 --> 00:12:35,883 and there's plenty of bottles of IPA. 210 00:12:35,883 --> 00:12:37,723 Thanks, Cuddle. 211 00:12:49,083 --> 00:12:51,883 Weren't joking, were they, Raisin Face? 212 00:12:51,883 --> 00:12:53,763 God in heaven. 213 00:12:54,843 --> 00:12:57,283 500 quid for a simple coffin. 214 00:12:57,283 --> 00:13:04,003 £6,450 for a silk-lined mahogany casket. 215 00:13:04,003 --> 00:13:05,843 Who are they trying to kid? 216 00:13:05,843 --> 00:13:08,043 A coffin's just a people bin. 217 00:13:08,043 --> 00:13:10,683 Well, probably just want to give someone a nice send-off. 218 00:13:10,683 --> 00:13:13,443 Where to? Get one that's made out of chipboard. 219 00:13:13,443 --> 00:13:16,563 Bit of veneer, lovely bit of velvet. Huh. 220 00:13:16,563 --> 00:13:18,603 PHONE RINGS 221 00:13:22,043 --> 00:13:26,683 Well, if it isn't the most beautiful girl in the whole world. 222 00:13:26,683 --> 00:13:30,203 What's she doing talking to me? 223 00:13:30,203 --> 00:13:32,243 Yeah, no, no, I'm looking forward to it. 224 00:13:33,723 --> 00:13:35,563 Oh. 225 00:13:35,563 --> 00:13:37,043 No, no. 226 00:13:37,043 --> 00:13:38,483 That's fine. 227 00:13:38,483 --> 00:13:41,003 Listen, if it can't be avoided, it can't be avoided. 228 00:13:41,003 --> 00:13:42,923 Yeah. I'll give you a ring. 229 00:13:44,723 --> 00:13:47,003 You'll give me a ring. 230 00:13:47,003 --> 00:13:48,643 All right, then. B... 231 00:14:04,963 --> 00:14:07,603 Problems? No, she's just busy. 232 00:14:07,603 --> 00:14:11,243 Oh, dear. The power of blossoming love not quite enough, was it? 233 00:14:11,243 --> 00:14:13,523 She's just remembered a thing she's got on, that's all. 234 00:14:16,203 --> 00:14:18,563 Yeah, I bet. What do you mean by that? 235 00:14:18,563 --> 00:14:20,483 What, she just remembered a thing she had on 236 00:14:20,483 --> 00:14:23,123 with a bigger bank balance? 237 00:14:23,123 --> 00:14:25,643 I wonder what the thing's name is. 238 00:14:25,643 --> 00:14:28,083 I wonder what kind of car the thing drives. 239 00:14:28,083 --> 00:14:30,403 My God, it must be exhausting being you. 240 00:14:30,403 --> 00:14:32,083 Look, just face it. 241 00:14:32,083 --> 00:14:34,323 She's never going to end up with a cleaner. 242 00:14:34,323 --> 00:14:37,723 I am a crime scene cleaner! 243 00:14:58,443 --> 00:15:00,363 Hey. Hey. 244 00:15:01,403 --> 00:15:03,603 Hey, hey, hey, hey. 245 00:15:03,603 --> 00:15:05,843 Hey, hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! 246 00:15:08,443 --> 00:15:10,083 No! 247 00:15:11,483 --> 00:15:13,523 THUD 248 00:15:14,563 --> 00:15:16,883 Now what are they going to drink? 249 00:15:16,883 --> 00:15:19,243 Yes, I do apologise, Cuddle. 250 00:15:19,243 --> 00:15:20,843 Argh! Do you think you could take 251 00:15:20,843 --> 00:15:23,283 just a little bit of your weight off my head? 252 00:15:23,283 --> 00:15:24,963 Keep him down there, Cuddle. 253 00:15:24,963 --> 00:15:28,843 Oh, but there's something down here. He's just trying to get out of this. 254 00:15:28,843 --> 00:15:32,443 I'm not trying to get out of this, I love this. 255 00:15:32,443 --> 00:15:34,643 Honestly, you're going to want to take a look. 256 00:15:35,803 --> 00:15:38,043 WICKY GRUNTS 257 00:15:38,043 --> 00:15:39,683 Oh, yeah. 258 00:15:44,083 --> 00:15:46,723 Someone must have lost it. Lost it? 259 00:15:46,723 --> 00:15:48,883 It was stashed under a pool table. 260 00:15:48,883 --> 00:15:50,923 Maybe they hid it there when the fight started. 261 00:15:50,923 --> 00:15:54,523 No knowing now, is there? Yeah. Well, we'd better report it. 262 00:15:54,523 --> 00:15:56,563 LISA AND CUDDLE LAUGH 263 00:16:04,083 --> 00:16:07,683 It's not right. Who hides money under a pool table? 264 00:16:07,683 --> 00:16:09,523 Well, it doesn't matter now, does it? 265 00:16:09,523 --> 00:16:12,723 Maybe it's the reason the fight broke out in the first place. Ah! 266 00:16:12,723 --> 00:16:15,323 Maybe Jacko was mixed up in something dodgy. 267 00:16:15,323 --> 00:16:17,723 Not the first time that sentence has been bandied about. 268 00:16:17,723 --> 00:16:19,603 Shamon! 269 00:16:21,763 --> 00:16:24,163 Well, anyway, there's no way of knowing now. 270 00:16:24,163 --> 00:16:26,203 Nice little windfall, though. 271 00:16:26,203 --> 00:16:29,403 You... You can't keep it, we've got to go to the police. 272 00:16:29,403 --> 00:16:32,043 Oh, what, so they can have an extra piss-up at the station? 273 00:16:32,043 --> 00:16:34,643 I don't think so. None of the coppers I know are bent. 274 00:16:34,643 --> 00:16:37,243 No, because you live in a Richard Curtis film, 275 00:16:37,243 --> 00:16:39,603 don't you, Babyface? No, I do not. 276 00:16:39,603 --> 00:16:41,443 Not that there's anything wrong with that. 277 00:16:41,443 --> 00:16:43,443 Notting Hill? Top five films for me. 278 00:16:43,443 --> 00:16:46,123 Just a girl standing in front of a boy asking to be loved. 279 00:16:46,123 --> 00:16:48,883 Count me in, Roberts, you sausage-lipped prozzie. 280 00:16:50,123 --> 00:16:53,083 I like documentaries. 281 00:16:53,083 --> 00:16:55,363 Oh, each to his own, Cuddle. 282 00:16:55,363 --> 00:16:58,283 CUDDLE GROWLS 283 00:16:58,283 --> 00:17:00,323 You can't keep it! 284 00:17:03,683 --> 00:17:07,363 It's none of my business, I suppose. No, you suppose right. Right. 285 00:17:07,363 --> 00:17:10,003 Well, I'm pretty much finished. I'll, er... 286 00:17:11,083 --> 00:17:13,123 I'll get going. Oh, no, you won't. 287 00:17:16,163 --> 00:17:17,803 Ah! 288 00:17:37,643 --> 00:17:39,683 WICKY GROANS 289 00:17:39,683 --> 00:17:41,403 Hard work doesn't suit you. 290 00:17:41,403 --> 00:17:43,603 Yeah, well, I'd like to remind you, this isn't my work. 291 00:17:43,603 --> 00:17:46,043 You should have kept quiet about the money when you seen it. 292 00:17:46,043 --> 00:17:47,883 Gone back later and nicked it for yourself. 293 00:17:47,883 --> 00:17:51,123 I bet you'd be getting ready for that date now if you had all this. 294 00:17:51,123 --> 00:17:53,803 Nah. She's just not into me. 295 00:17:53,803 --> 00:17:55,603 You need a plan. 296 00:18:02,683 --> 00:18:05,243 Got to make a grand gesture. 297 00:18:05,243 --> 00:18:07,603 Been there, done that. What did you do? 298 00:18:07,603 --> 00:18:09,643 I wrote her a song. 299 00:18:09,643 --> 00:18:11,683 Well, I sang a song. 300 00:18:12,883 --> 00:18:15,083 I mimed along to someone else's song. And filmed it. 301 00:18:15,083 --> 00:18:16,563 Yeah? What was the song? 302 00:18:16,563 --> 00:18:21,083 Died In Your Arms Tonight, Cutting Crew. Good song, difficult key. 303 00:18:21,083 --> 00:18:23,403 How did she react to this gesture? 304 00:18:23,403 --> 00:18:26,563 Banged it on a USB, sent it over, she texted back, 305 00:18:26,563 --> 00:18:30,843 "Wow, looks like someone had a good night." Laughing emoji. So... 306 00:18:32,123 --> 00:18:34,163 ..pretty sure she liked it. 307 00:18:38,803 --> 00:18:41,043 Kidnap her. Hey? 308 00:18:42,803 --> 00:18:45,683 So, you put her in a limousine. 309 00:18:45,683 --> 00:18:48,523 Big one. Drive her to the airport. 310 00:18:48,523 --> 00:18:51,483 Surprise her with a couple of tickets. Go on, get in there. 311 00:18:51,483 --> 00:18:54,523 And then you fly her somewhere really nice. 312 00:18:56,003 --> 00:18:57,643 Like the Bahamas. 313 00:18:57,643 --> 00:19:00,043 Lisbon. Eh? If anywhere, it'd be Lisbon. 314 00:19:00,043 --> 00:19:01,843 She's always wanted to go there. 315 00:19:01,843 --> 00:19:05,163 Right, then, Lisbon. Bring up those crates. 316 00:19:05,163 --> 00:19:08,003 And then you check into a fancy hotel. 317 00:19:08,003 --> 00:19:10,843 Five stars. You show her you're not a loser. 318 00:19:12,763 --> 00:19:14,803 I'm not a loser. 319 00:19:17,363 --> 00:19:21,123 I told you. I'm a crime scene cleaner. 320 00:19:21,123 --> 00:19:23,563 Yeah, not a heart surgeon. 321 00:19:23,563 --> 00:19:25,603 See, that's why you've got to offer her something 322 00:19:25,603 --> 00:19:29,283 she can impress her friends with. You've got to invest in her. 323 00:19:29,283 --> 00:19:32,483 You know, flights, hotels, boat trips. 324 00:19:32,483 --> 00:19:34,523 I don't know, helicopter. 325 00:19:34,523 --> 00:19:37,203 A helicopter? Who mentioned a bloody helicopter? 326 00:19:37,203 --> 00:19:40,083 Well, sightseeing tours over Lisbon. 327 00:19:41,363 --> 00:19:43,123 Oh. 328 00:19:43,123 --> 00:19:45,163 That does sound nice, actually. 329 00:19:47,163 --> 00:19:48,803 Put it down there. 330 00:19:49,963 --> 00:19:52,363 And shift it, you two. It's match day, isn't it? 331 00:19:52,363 --> 00:19:54,403 You said we'd be ready on time. 332 00:19:54,403 --> 00:19:56,723 You two actually make a pretty good team, you know? 333 00:20:07,283 --> 00:20:09,563 Do you know what I'd do if we went to Lisbon? 334 00:20:09,563 --> 00:20:12,523 I'd find a nice little private beach, 335 00:20:12,523 --> 00:20:16,123 and I'd get a table and some chairs, 336 00:20:16,123 --> 00:20:19,003 and I'd put some candles on it, maybe some flowers. 337 00:20:19,003 --> 00:20:21,243 And then I'd get oysters. 338 00:20:21,243 --> 00:20:24,963 No, not oysters. They're disgusting, people pretend to like them. 339 00:20:24,963 --> 00:20:28,243 Crisp white wine, two glasses. 340 00:20:28,243 --> 00:20:30,283 And then we'd just sit. 341 00:20:30,283 --> 00:20:32,963 Watch the sun go down and chat. 342 00:20:32,963 --> 00:20:35,123 Hmm. Sounds perfect. 343 00:20:36,363 --> 00:20:38,763 Cost you about five grand, though. 344 00:20:38,763 --> 00:20:41,683 Right, well, if she wants me for all that luxury crap, 345 00:20:41,683 --> 00:20:43,123 she can have her surgeon. 346 00:20:43,123 --> 00:20:46,723 Why did you stop drinking and start wearing that stupid earring? 347 00:20:46,723 --> 00:20:50,763 Hey, Wicky? Those are deposits, you're selling yourself. 348 00:20:50,763 --> 00:20:54,043 Paul Wickstead is not for sale. 349 00:20:54,043 --> 00:20:56,243 Tell you what. 200 quid... 350 00:20:57,363 --> 00:20:59,403 ..if you carry on cleaning naked. 351 00:21:02,763 --> 00:21:05,243 Oh, good God, stop! 352 00:21:05,243 --> 00:21:08,363 Put your clothes back on. You just made my point for me. 353 00:21:08,363 --> 00:21:10,963 You should have put that money in your pocket when you found it. 354 00:21:10,963 --> 00:21:13,563 I've got principles. It's dirty money. 355 00:21:13,563 --> 00:21:15,483 Oh. Tell you what. 356 00:21:16,603 --> 00:21:17,963 I'll give you 50 quid 357 00:21:17,963 --> 00:21:22,443 if you sing I Just Died In Your Arms Tonight for me. 358 00:21:30,563 --> 00:21:32,603 # I... LISA SNORTS 359 00:21:32,603 --> 00:21:34,403 Oh, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 360 00:21:34,403 --> 00:21:37,243 You think you've got it all worked out, don't you? 361 00:21:37,243 --> 00:21:39,043 I can smell a bullshitter at 50 feet. 362 00:21:39,043 --> 00:21:41,163 Do you want the truth? I know the truth. 363 00:21:41,163 --> 00:21:44,043 No, you're supposed to say you want the truth, and then I can shout, 364 00:21:44,043 --> 00:21:47,323 "You can't handle the tru..." It doesn't matter. 365 00:21:47,323 --> 00:21:49,403 All right, I tell you what. 366 00:21:51,003 --> 00:21:52,723 15 quid. 367 00:21:53,963 --> 00:21:55,683 Wait. 368 00:21:55,683 --> 00:21:57,963 £17... 369 00:21:57,963 --> 00:22:00,683 ..says that I can tell you something about your love life 370 00:22:00,683 --> 00:22:03,643 that you haven't worked out for yourself. All right. 371 00:22:04,803 --> 00:22:07,203 20 quid. 372 00:22:07,203 --> 00:22:09,003 Give it to me. Right. 373 00:22:10,323 --> 00:22:12,083 I actually think you're rather wonderful 374 00:22:12,083 --> 00:22:16,163 to be in a relationship with. Ha! Yeah, you're stubborn, 375 00:22:16,163 --> 00:22:18,403 and, certainly, you can be mean, 376 00:22:18,403 --> 00:22:21,843 but... you're charming and you're funny. 377 00:22:23,243 --> 00:22:25,483 And there's an inner strength to you. 378 00:22:25,483 --> 00:22:27,643 You don't let anything drag you down. 379 00:22:29,643 --> 00:22:32,003 Which is why I'm surprised Jacko wanted to leave you. 380 00:22:34,643 --> 00:22:36,283 What? 381 00:22:46,243 --> 00:22:49,283 At first, I thought it was a drug dealer that had put it under there. 382 00:22:49,283 --> 00:22:50,883 That doesn't make sense. 383 00:22:50,883 --> 00:22:53,363 They've got their own hiding spots, haven't they? 384 00:22:53,363 --> 00:22:55,923 But, then, someone panicking, 385 00:22:55,923 --> 00:22:58,243 hiding it under there during the fight? 386 00:22:58,243 --> 00:23:01,163 No, that doesn't make sense either. 387 00:23:01,163 --> 00:23:03,403 Who's going to stash money under a table 388 00:23:03,403 --> 00:23:07,003 in a place that they know is about to be crawling with coppers? 389 00:23:07,003 --> 00:23:09,883 No, it doesn't add up. 390 00:23:09,883 --> 00:23:13,683 And that's why I think Jacko put it there. 391 00:23:13,683 --> 00:23:16,763 He could never have smuggled that much money from under my nose. 392 00:23:16,763 --> 00:23:18,763 No, not all at once. 393 00:23:18,763 --> 00:23:22,363 But 50 here, a hundred there, fudge the books. 394 00:23:22,363 --> 00:23:25,603 Just waiting until he had enough to leave. 395 00:23:25,603 --> 00:23:28,123 Well, then you'd have found more, wouldn't you? No. 396 00:23:28,123 --> 00:23:31,283 As soon as he had a certain amount, he'd pop down the bank. 397 00:23:31,283 --> 00:23:33,123 Cash it all in. 398 00:23:33,123 --> 00:23:35,843 Too risky having all that money on him at work. 399 00:23:35,843 --> 00:23:38,723 Which is why he stashed it under the pool table. 400 00:23:41,043 --> 00:23:42,923 The Bahamas. 401 00:23:42,923 --> 00:23:45,203 Cuddle showed me a brochure. 402 00:23:45,203 --> 00:23:48,523 Oh, yeah. He wanted to go to the Bahamas, all right. 403 00:23:48,523 --> 00:23:51,523 Just not with you. 404 00:23:51,523 --> 00:23:53,563 He thought you'd live to be a hundred 405 00:23:53,563 --> 00:23:55,923 and he'd never get his greedy little hands on this place. 406 00:23:55,923 --> 00:23:57,963 No, it wasn't like that. 407 00:24:02,323 --> 00:24:05,443 Well, I call that a win. Might not be able to take her to Lisbon, 408 00:24:05,443 --> 00:24:08,163 but I can buy her a curry, eh? What? 409 00:24:08,163 --> 00:24:12,643 Hmm? I made it all up, didn't I? To win the bet. 410 00:24:12,643 --> 00:24:15,083 Yeah, the woman who thinks she's sorted out romance. 411 00:24:15,083 --> 00:24:18,123 Think she understands it all. She's offered another alternative 412 00:24:18,123 --> 00:24:20,603 and she gobbles it up. Yum-yum. 413 00:24:21,883 --> 00:24:24,403 No, you're right. 414 00:24:24,403 --> 00:24:27,883 No. I was wondering why we weren't making more money. 415 00:24:27,883 --> 00:24:30,083 Place is always full. No! 416 00:24:30,083 --> 00:24:33,043 I made it up to win the bet. There you have it. 417 00:24:35,483 --> 00:24:37,763 Just another transaction. 418 00:24:39,883 --> 00:24:41,923 Here, Cuddle, you take this. 419 00:24:41,923 --> 00:24:44,683 I don't want it. No, I want you to have it. 420 00:24:44,683 --> 00:24:47,363 You've been so loyal. Go on, please. 421 00:24:49,043 --> 00:24:52,323 Now, I'm going to patch up my face while you finish up here. 422 00:24:52,323 --> 00:24:54,683 I want this place ready for the match. 423 00:24:54,683 --> 00:24:56,723 I've got people relying on me. 424 00:25:00,403 --> 00:25:02,963 Do you know what, Cuddle? I thought I'd feel better than this, 425 00:25:02,963 --> 00:25:04,763 winning the bet. 426 00:25:18,483 --> 00:25:20,123 That's me finished. 427 00:25:21,403 --> 00:25:23,723 Is that what you're going to spend your five grand on? 428 00:25:23,723 --> 00:25:28,083 No, I'll probably go Blackpool. Blackpool? 429 00:25:28,083 --> 00:25:31,043 I've always wanted to see the Pleasure Beach. 430 00:25:31,043 --> 00:25:35,243 Right. They've got The Krankies' signature in the pavement. 431 00:25:35,243 --> 00:25:37,923 I think maybe the Bahamas might top that, mate. 432 00:25:37,923 --> 00:25:41,563 It's too hot for me. I only got this for her. 433 00:25:43,043 --> 00:25:45,803 I thought... I thought Jacko got that for her. 434 00:25:49,683 --> 00:25:51,763 You really like her, don't you? 435 00:25:51,763 --> 00:25:54,363 Of course. Well, why don't you tell her? 436 00:25:56,203 --> 00:25:59,243 Things aren't the same since our honeymoon. 437 00:25:59,243 --> 00:26:00,723 Your hon...? 438 00:26:01,963 --> 00:26:04,003 Are you two married? 439 00:26:05,163 --> 00:26:06,923 Used to be. 440 00:26:08,003 --> 00:26:12,043 When Jacko came along, I-I couldn't stand in their way. 441 00:26:12,043 --> 00:26:14,083 Ah. Just... 442 00:26:15,843 --> 00:26:17,883 ..I like being near her. 443 00:26:25,603 --> 00:26:27,883 Stick this in your computer and have a watch. 444 00:26:30,243 --> 00:26:32,323 Sometimes you've got to make a grand gesture 445 00:26:32,323 --> 00:26:34,363 to win a woman's heart. 446 00:27:18,243 --> 00:27:20,283 COMPUTER CHIMES 447 00:27:23,043 --> 00:27:25,083 MUSIC: (I Just) Died In Your Arms by Cutting Crew 448 00:27:38,323 --> 00:27:43,003 HE LIP-SYNCS: # I...I just died in your arms tonight 449 00:27:44,203 --> 00:27:47,323 # It must have been something you said 450 00:27:47,323 --> 00:27:52,283 # I just died in your arms tonight 451 00:27:53,963 --> 00:27:58,243 # I...I just died in your arms tonight 452 00:27:59,723 --> 00:28:02,843 # It must have been something you said 453 00:28:02,843 --> 00:28:06,323 # I just died in your arms tonight 454 00:28:07,723 --> 00:28:09,483 # Oh, whoa 455 00:28:09,483 --> 00:28:13,763 # I...I just died in your arms tonight 456 00:28:15,003 --> 00:28:18,683 # It must have been some kind of kiss 457 00:28:18,683 --> 00:28:22,083 # I should have walked away 458 00:28:23,243 --> 00:28:25,403 # I should have walked away 459 00:28:36,283 --> 00:28:40,803 # Is there any just cause for feeling like this? 460 00:28:40,803 --> 00:28:43,523 # On the surface I'm a name on a list 461 00:28:43,523 --> 00:28:47,563 # I try to be discreet 462 00:28:47,563 --> 00:28:49,323 # But then blow it again 463 00:28:51,283 --> 00:28:55,283 # I've lost and found It's my final mistake 464 00:28:55,283 --> 00:28:59,123 # She's loving by proxy No give and all take 465 00:28:59,123 --> 00:29:02,603 # Because I've been thrilled to fantasy... #